#esp with troy/abed posts/analyses

[motherfuckingbrad]

thinking about high school troy today.

thinking about a little boy who loved football because it brought him closer to his favorite uncle, and when he found out he was good at it everyone started paying attention to him and loving him. but then as the years went on and he got better and better, football became less about the love of the game and more about the pressure to win. and at some point troy started realizing his “friends” didn’t like him for him, they liked him because he was the star quarterback who would bring the school win after win and he was the most popular person they could surround themselves with. and he started noticing they didn’t care what he said or thought so long as nothing was too out of line, so long as he pushed down his emotions and continued to perform well for them.

thinking about how after his uncle died, troy noticed that football didn’t seem to have a point anymore, that it didn’t make him happy and it hadn’t for a while. but he had a duty, a responsibility to his teammates and his school and his family to keep his mouth shut and keep winning, because if he wasnt good at football what was he good for at all? and the imposter syndrome probably became so strong after that, because troy barely recognized himself anymore, he was just a robot quarterback giving the people what they wanted, and whenever he didn’t he felt isolated and guilty, as if he was carrying the whole school on his shoulders. and each loss became harder and harder to stomach because he was troy, he wasnt supposed to lose, he was supposed to win, that was his one job and he couldn’t even get it right.

and the pressure just became too much, and troy knew he didn’t want to do this in college, didn’t want to force himself into another four years of pleasing people with his athletic skills and feeling like an empty shell. but he also knew he couldn’t tell anyone this because how would they react, when their star player decides to quit right before the big game and let everyone down? when his parents’ son decides he’d rather “feel like himself” than get a scholarship and put himself through college?

so instead of telling, he hurts himself.

he goes to the hospital, and he finally feels the pressure lift a little because there is no more expectation, no more responsibility to give all of himself away. but then he feels the imposter syndrome come rushing back all at once because now without football he still isn’t troy, hes what could’ve been. and now, without the spotlight on him anymore, troy begins to realize his “friends” are barely deserving of that title even with quotes, and even when they do make an effort to hang out with him, he hates himself for even craving their approval and attention, because thats not him. and it doesnt even hit him completely until the day hes sitting in the mall and throwing paper balls at a nerdy stranger, and he finds that their laughs do more than make him feel empty, they make him angry. because how could they think something like that is anything but cruel? and how could they think thats him? troy isn’t cruel, but he realizes in that moment hes on track to become just that if he keeps looking for approval from these “friends”.

and he suddenly realizes football was never even his biggest problem—it was him. hes fake, and suddenly he wants to throw up because hes so unbelievably fake and he cant stand being this fake person for another second, but how can he get out? and the pressure to do better, to be better, is so strong that for a second he cant breathe— but then he sees a flyer for Greendale Community College and a plan forms in his mind, about a no pressure, low stress environment. about somewhere he could start over, where no one will even know who he was.

and this plan seems great, until his first day of spanish 101 when he sees annie edison sitting front row and realizes he’ll never really be able to get away from who he was. and it makes him recede back into that protective personality, the over-masculine asshole he doesnt want to be, until someone who looks a lot like that nerd from the mall asks him to be in a study group. and even though its hard, and it takes a long time, troy finds himself happier and happier with every second that passes at Greendale; and no matter what his parents or old classmates or air-conditioning-repair-school-dean says, he’s finally found somewhere he belongs.