#esp stupid bc i heard them talk abt not wanting to be in a relationship w their last gf for like. the entire time 🤣🤣🤣

[kucherovv]

thinking abt dating a nonbinary person is weird because what am i supposed to call them. im not abt to be 19 calling the person im dating my "partner" like

[arsonkoobi]

"hybe uses jikook to cover up the real ship which is taekook"

"hybe forces jk to do fanservice with jm to hide taekook"

"hybe promotes and releases jikook content on purpose to make more money"

these are all widely believed theories among taekookers.

and i think..its absolute garbage.

i was talking to an acquaintance the other day and while on the topic of bts and ships (she's an army+tkkr) she started talking abt how im "kinda dumb for being a jikooker", i asked why, she said "jikook is only used to cover up tkk's real relationship" and proceeded to carry on abt why she thinks so, and i sat and listened while suppressing my laugh bc it was so fucking funny how she wasnt able to provide a single concrete piece of evidence but continued to talk shit. knowing it would never end i got up and left. now im writing this here bc i can never think of a good response immediately lol.

"hybe uses jikook to cover up the real ship which is taekook"

suppose, you possess two gvns, one in your pocket and another at your home. but gvns are illegal w/o a license and you dont have one, the police are chasing you , so you run back home. you need to hide your gvn, you see the other gvn lying around and get a mindblowing idea.

"Let's hide this gvn behind that gvn, they'd never know!"

ofc they got to know. they found it immediately and you got your sentence.

now that you're reading this, you might think thats beyond stupid and no one would do that.

tkkrs existing: ....

bc how the fuck are you supposed to hide a gay ship with another gay ship? the backlash will be the same. the homophobia will be the same. the criticism will be the same. esp when the two ships have a common member. i have nothing else to say other than this is the most nonsensical theory ive heard.

"hybe forces jk to do fanservice with jm to hide taekook"

you guys are making out jungkook to be hybe's little puppet who cant say no to anything the company says. like are you talking about the jungkook who doesnt give a shit abt the company's orders? who will rebel when he feels like it? who will do whatever he wants, whenever he wants? the exact copy of jin? and we all know jin doesnt give a flying fuck abt the company rules lol. and neither do the other members. bts make their own rules. i thought we all established that ages ago? and what would hybe even do if they break rules? fire them? lmao, bts=hybe. hybe couldnt do anything even if they wanted to. besides yall are acting like hybe doesnt have anything better to worry about rather than getting fanservice scripts ready for jikook to follow.🙄

not to mention how yall are absolute shit at reading expressions and body language+actions.

jungkook :

*makes finger hearts and saying i love you to jimin and has done it multiple times before.*

*goes on a trip with ONLY jimin to tokyo, pays for all the expenses and makes a whole gcf abt it with "there for you" as the bgm*

*does an almost 2 hour live completely dedicated to jimin and fanboying over him*

*sucking jimins ear in front of thousands of fans to confort him*

*never forgets to reassure jimin, comfort jimin or give reassuring touches like massages and caresses*

*jungkook going all the way up to the mountain to bring snow for jimin bc he knows jimin loves snow"

*jimin travelling halfway across the world just to make it home just for jungkooks birthday* (and so much more)

yall: ITS FANSERVICE JK AND JM WERE FORCED.

like be fr rn🙄 yall only have a problem when its jikook istg.

this speaks for itself.

"hybe promotes and releases jikook content on purpose to make more money."

this is overwhelmingly stupid. okay so obviously a company would want to make more money, i mean its basically the whole purpose. and a company would choose the most efficient way to make money.

if we bring capitalising on ships into the equation, jikook is not the ship that would make them the most money. why? bc most of the shippers in this fandom are tkkrs. but in recent years, jikook has become the 2nd most popular ship in bangtan. but even so, its still the second best option, if hybe really wanted to take advantage of a ship, then they wouldve promoted taekook as a ship more than jikook bc then more fans would buy official content, there would be more engagements and more attention in general.

clearly these mfs decided to prioritize their ship over bangtan. if there were more taekook moments these mfs would've flocked to stores. also "why couldnt hobi get carried?" . bro. jungkook has literally kissed hobi on the neck/cheek and so has hobi. jungkook said "i never thought id fall for a man" while talking abt hobi in CNS. jungkook and hobi engage in lots of skinship. but i dont see yall calling that fanservice?? simply bc yall dont find koobi a threat to your ship and your fantasies lmao.

Anyways.

so why would hybe force out jikook content to make more money when they can make so much more money out of taekook content? the answer is they dont.

in conclusion, all ships have a lil bit of fanservice in them, be it jikook or taekook. but you cannot call an entire bond fanservice in order to fit your delusions. hiding a gay ship with another gay ship is plain stupidity and you know it. yet you will continue to make yourself believe it bc you dont wanna get your perfect little bubble popped. hybe doesnt control bts. bts are not hybe's puppets, they make their own goddamn rules.

i hope this was helpful in breaking down your delusions, have a good day now👋

edit: i cant believe im having to clarify this but this is not a post dismissing taekook's bond😭😭 i love taekook themselves, i just despise the ones who use the above narratives to "prove" their ship. im a jikooker and this is a jikook centric account, ofc im gonna mention mainly jikook moments here😭 please dont come into my asks fighting me on which ship is real PLEASE. yall only see the members for their ships god.

[theflyestwhiteboyofthemall]

idk i mean i'm pretty sure she's not continuing uni at least not atm n i do not want to know the details. i do not want to be in that place everyone loves to put me in where i hv what they want n i always hv to feel all my friends are jealous? n lowkey hate me for my 'academic success' n like mhmm idk i'd rather be in ur position than crying on the bus and having breakdowns at uni etc etc. n myb i'm just overthinking it n tht's not the case but i feel like idk jealousy also she has explicitly n others hv same or implicitly felt like i thought i was better than them bc of my 'academic competence' to the point where like if u ask me for help with work i'd gladly offer heck i even give homework freely etc but otherwise i avoid the topic of school even tho like our relationships literally existed at school bc of school thru school alfjlakdsjf like grades studying etc etc nope do not mention it. i hate tht too many of my friends always think they're too "stupid" for me n i dont like them bc of it. like the first time i avoided her (affectionate) bc of the fact her friend was like alfkjdla;k straight up bullying me to the point i cldnt take it anymore she asked if i was avoiding her bc she wsnt studious enough or smth like tht n it's like hi hi hello you're literally witness of ur friend's abuse to me how did tht nvr occur to u as being an option b4 grades did cri. idk it makes me super self conscious n feel bad it's like ok myb i dont struggle as much as you all bc i still get passing grades but i do struggle a lot in the school system esp bc of socializing n all tht n it's like tiring after so many years to always feel like my complaints cant be heard or validated bc at the end of the day i'll do well so it seems like i'm lying aladjfld yh idk. also realizing my complete turn off abt discussing school thing even like homework etc is a major hindrance to connecting with my classmates now at uni bc like b4 class n stuff tht's what ppl talk abt but like nope sorry topic is completely off limits for me idk sorry i was bullied and singled out as a child for being 'smart' and sorry my friends always think i hate them bc i'm 'smart' n sorry i struggle socially n otherwise n only know how to hide or escape or make up for it by being 'studious' myb it's the trauma or smth ahahahha. but like yh it's also just i grew up in an environment tht put a lot of emphasis on learning n the importance of education bc of their own background n i recognize my privileges just the mere fact tht i've been steered on tht path bc a lot of kids arent n i always hv tried to help others when i can friends peers even volunteer tutoring but it's like while i will help n support ur academic pursuits if tht's not what u choose it doesnt change how i view u but it often changes how u view me n i'm tired of tht always hving to like be aware of my oh so grand privileges.

why am i talking to them? bc i asked them for a huge favour and they helped me? i cld've left it at that but then i sent a vn apologizing n explaining in the end their help tho appreciated was actually not necessary. i really cld've left it at that tho n we wld not be communicating rn hmmm. also well they clearly had me removed from their contacts or smth bc now they've clearly added me back which is weird? n i'm just like weary of it all. i dont want this n i mean the only time they want it is imo when they're bored aldfjla;dj tht's not fully or partially correct but like they definitely dont need this they never did never do n never will so whenever they want this it's a bit of a hmm eye raiser there's smth going on or myb i'm just always suspicious ahahahhaha. like how have i been reacting to it emotionally? pretty stable still i mean it's confusing but i also know it nvr lasts it isnt supposed to n i dont want it to so while i will be polite n put in a bit of effort i always have learnt very how to remain detached n distant n end the convo quickly.

[domjaehyun]

Omg hiii! I spoke to you like a year ago and you are SO LOVELY! I wanted to ask your advice about something…I feel like most women enjoy giving bjs to men…but I just don’t like it and don’t want to do it. I haven’t remotely have had sex with any men because of this. When spoken to “friends” around me they tend to shame me or call me a “prude” simply because I don’t want to engage on this. I’m really scared to be in a relationship with a man who wants me to do things in bed that I don’t want to do. What would you recommend? I feel out of touch sometimes 🥲 And I genuinely think men probably think I’m a prude or good girl BC in my almost 22 years of life NO man has approached me or even asked me on a date 🤦🏻‍♀️ I feel left out and at moments ugly, I’m working on how I feel, but sometimes it just gets to me yk? I’m an adult btw😅 Thank you❤️

okay im on a roll rn so . gonna answer this too hehe hi lovely 💖 THANK YOU FOR SAYING IM LOVELY OMG DFHJKGSLK and yes *cracks knuckles* lemme see what i can do (...you guessed it...under the cut...i am talkative rn sorry y'all)

quite frankly? do not do anything you don't want to do. however, i would be remiss if i didn't add any nuance to this so. here i go.

when it comes to your sexual pleasure, i would say that it is very important to communicate your needs and feelings. also, like, we do be livin in a society n shii so . there are a lot of dynamics always at play esp with cis men (specification necessary bc. some men are not cis and do not have dicks. and also bc the types of dynamics i am about to mention are pretty damn specific to women in sexual situations with CIS men, so when i think of non-men with dicks, i don't believe the same dynamics are at play, yknow?)

> society is disgustingly and selfishly centered around male pleasure. so blowjobs are like . fucking expected ? for some stupid reason ? yet these same men that are pushing your head down for you to suck them off tend to be the same fucking pansy ass bitches that don't eat pussy bc "it's gross" as if the vagina doesn't have a naturally self-cleaning procedure*...which the penis doesn't... and as if men don't literally have smegma.

*note: i don't think i should have to say this bc we are all grown but. no matter what the vagina itself does to regulate itself pH wise or self-cleaning wise...please, for the love of god, wash yourself properly. do as much research as you need, ask your doctor, whatever you need to do...but you need to clean yourself for your safety. okay psa over, moving on.

> but yeah, in the societal sense, it's way more normalized for people sleeping with cis men to ... give blowjobs and center the man's pleasure...often at the expense of their own. this is incredibly fucking stupid and i hate it and if i could go back in time and kill everyone who made this "normalized" i would do it with glee. and excessive violence. 💖

> that said? if you don't want to give a blowjob, say that. establish that boundary as soon as it feels necessary. we are going to hope that the man on the receiving end of the boundary is not an asshole or anything and that he takes it well. however...men do be trash, so there is a chance he might push or try and coerce you. while maintaining your safety as much as possible, do not fucking budge. if this man pushes and crosses the boundary and you let him, that sets the precedent for him to continue to cross your boundaries in the future. if you don't want to suck his dick, do not suck his dick.

> what i just mentioned tends to apply to more casual relationships i think but like . again, ideally, whatever man you end up with as a romantic long-term partner has heard your boundary loud and clear and respects your boundary. like, personally? i don't like blowjobs! it's pretty fucking rare for me to ever look at a man and be like "god, i wanna suck his dick." (haechan if you are reading this...you're the exception bc i do think this abt you sometimes... but not THAT often. don't get it twisted.) and, like, that is okay. that is fully okay for both of us. there's literally a term for it–pillow princess !! p sure the term originated in sapphic spaces, but . it's a lil more mainstream now i think and i also didn't seem to find a term that applies to like. women in general, not just sapphic women.

(which, if i wanted to get on my high horse about it for a sec, is so "funny" to me because the concept of a woman only wanting to receive pleasure and not give it is... only conceptualized in spaces that don't... involve... men... interesting... surely that doesn't mean anything in regards to our society and how it refuses to "normalize" or even shed light on women wanting to center their own pleasure–much like men are encouraged to do all the fucking time–when having sex with cis men... i also find it very... "funny" that the term, as well as the less popular term "starfish," tends to be used... in a derogatory/offensive manner... as if pillow princesses are inherently selfish people... even though the chances are high that they communicated beforehand that they didn't want to reciprocate and their partner might have continued on anyway with the intent to attempt to coerce said pillow princess into giving them pleasure anyway... as if that's not borderline predatory and manipulative behavior... that we let men get away with all the fucking time... interesting. surely that couldn't mean anything deeper at all. moving on bc i think i've planted enough seeds and you get what i'm hinting at.)

> anyway: there is no fucking shame in being a pillow princess, a starfish, or whatever term you'd like to use for yourself. y'know what it means when there's a term for something? it's a common enough occurrence that people started being like "we need a name for this thing." so you're not alone !! and i don't think there is a single thing wrong with being a pillow princess bc guess what !! just like there are people like us that prefer to receive, there are people that prefer to give!! there are actually quite a few terms for this (again... interesting... that being more inclined to give than receive is fine and cool and dandy... but the alternative, when it comes to women, is not... surely this article doesn't make several valid points...) like stone butch (a more typically masc presenting lesbian who prefers not to be touched during sex), pleasure dom (a person who plays a dominant role in a D/S dynamic who derives sexual pleasure directly from giving their partner sexual pleasure), service top (someone who, even though they're the one doing the penetrating or filling the typically more "dominant" role in the dynamic, derives pleasure from pleasing their partner; this is typically used in LGBT+ spaces but i think it can def apply to het relationships if the terms are used correctly), and i'm sure the list goes on!! there are people that are very sexually compatible with pillow princesses and it's just a matter of solid communication to find the right person/people!!

> that said, i feel the need to let you know that, like, you're not alone in the slightest! and honestly? fuck your friends for judging you or teasing you or antagonizing you about it. it's frankly none of their damn business what you like in bed bc like . you're not fucking them... anyway. i digress. but like, honestly? i consider myself a pillow princess !! while blowjobs aren't, like, physically uncomfy for me or anything, i just . don't like them dfjkgsk like if i slept with someone with a dick, the thought to suck their dick would not be stemming from the desire but probably a sense of like . obligation . it does nothing for me !

> honestly, whenever dicks come out in the porn i watch, i lose interest immediately and either go back to an earlier point in the video where the dicks weren't present, or i'll just leave the video entirely kjdsfgkd and again !! this is valid !! it's not like you're misleading people by saying "omg yeah i love giving head" and then when the time comes you're like "nvm i don't like doing it actually" (which, i feel the need to note, is a very diff situation than revoking consent. revoking consent is acceptable at any point at all. i am talking specifically about deliberately misleading people just to fuck with them. think of a guy being like "yeah i love going down on girls" and then you two hook up and he encourages you to go down on him bc he'll "return the favor" and then when you're finished giving him head, he won't reciprocate and never had any intent to)

> i do also feel the need to say, though, that sometimes i personally do want to reciprocate !! whether it's by giving a bj or eating someone out, sometimes i DO want to give pleasure !! (tbh i am infinitely more likely to want to eat someone out than suck a dick......... we won't unpack that rn) however, my occasionally wanting to give pleasure doesn't revoke my pillow princess status, nor would i say it's expected of pillow princesses to have the same feelings i do !!

so. yes . i hope this helped at least a lil bit fdjksgk i hope if and when you do start entering the dating/sexual/relationship scene that you have safe and positive encounters !!! communicate w ppl and be as upfront as possible !!!!

[flyingcookierambles]

so i finished reading the northern caves

hey its a book ramble! after uuhhhhhh.. a year. anyways the northern caves! (https://archiveofourown.org/works/3659997/chapters/8088522)

i binged it in a whole day. and i have feelings. i think?

so ppl hyped it as a lovecraft-ish/otherworldly horror story and i think i got a bit sucked into that and let down a bit because to me the horror story wasn’t the implied dark magic connections the author had with uh. the Mundum. it was the unreliable narration and betrayal of friends. spoilers below!

so, if you’ve read the northern caves, you know what the Mundum is. it was just kinda introduced as some mystical thing in the universe that the author believed in. whether or not it was real was kinda left open ended i think.

if you for some reason haven’t read the northern caves (which will just be either the caves or tnc for typing speed’s sake), it’s about a group of online friends in a 2004 internet forum dedicated to a children’s book series called Chesscourt by Leonard Selby. the author died before he could publish his final book, The Northern Caves. thankfully, one of the ppl in the forums, metamarsh, is actually distantly related to the author, and in the event of leonard selby’s death and then marsh’s aunt’s death (i think she was selby’s sister or something), marsh’s family got all the belongings of leonard selby. all his journals, notes, and unpublished works left behind. TNC was one of them. marsh (or his aunt or some other relative) scanned the pages and released it online ig sometime before the story. and so the events of Spelunk 04! starts, in which the friend group of this forum plans an irl meet up at marsh’s house so they can go over the author’s belongings and try to make sense of tnc. tnc is, to put simply, a mess. there’s lucid parts and non-lucid parts, by which i mean that there’s entire pages of nonsense and also it’s mentioned that there are 3 entire pages that are just the letter “a.” this can easily be dismissed as the writings of a senile old man, until the revelation of the Mundum (mentioned above) comes up. 

then things so super wrong. 

so, the entire story is a “report” by a man on the forums named Paul. his handle is GlassWave. he is a person who went to Spelunk 04! and is part of the reason why the meeting went so wrong. around the part where the journals abt the Mundum come up, he totally gets into it. the narration around this part gets uh. kinda creepy. it also definitely doesnt help that there were drugs involved - adderall.

so uh. basically. paul and another guy, Arron/Errent Knight, get the Mundum. they dont understand why their friends dont understand it. the solution according to paul? put adderall into the coffee and stay up for 60 hours straight reading tnc in a group circle.

yeahhhhh.

so i personally wasnt super scared abt the entire lovecraft-ish/other worldly implications of mundum being real or not. it was the paul’s state of mind when he spiked the coffee with drugs. it was the entire betrayal thing. 

i personally haven’t really had the entire internet friends experience bc im p shy irl and online. i dont usually go talk to strangers in chatrooms/discord or anything. also stranger danger lol.

but i hear a bunch of stories abt that kind of stuff, the early 2000′s internet experience before ppl had more awareness of internet stranger danger. also i’ve been watching and reading abt a lot of internet drama thru commentary channels i watch nowadays (therightopinion is p good), and uh the whole parasocial relationship thing (so ive seen it be described as) is on my mind a lot now. since we view ppl as relatable and feel like we know them. now, of course, there’s a difference in the personal experience one can have between a youtuber or internet celeb and a person on an interactive forum/social media platform. i would think that more interactive platforms like forums or discourd would feel more personal to some than a celebrity but still. 

the entire narration of paul’s during the spiking the coffee scene was so rational-seeming to him. and then the betrayal that his friends, the ones at Spelunk 04! and online felt hit me. like, i’ve never personally experienced that kind of betrayal since i dont have internet/stranger friends, but still i think it’s really relevant now. on the 26th chapter (2nd to last), the forum comments of JimWind and Sally’s Lil Sis hit especially hard. 

JimWind:

Wow. Wowwowow. I just finished reading the whole thing through the latest bit GW's posted. I had heard things about Spelunk 04 having something to do with restaurant workers dying, but I just figured that was a baseless rumor because it seemed so hard to understand how that could have happened. But what really shocks me here isn't even that, it's the fact that GlassWave dosed his/our friends with hard drugs. (Adderall is just prescription amphetamine, AKA speed! WTF!!!) "GlassHole" indeed! TBH it really makes me uncomfortable with GW and getting this whole story from him. Of course when I first read this

“maybe not even the other forum members, not even the best among them, not even Jim, say”

I was flattered, especially cause GW's always seemed like one of the sharpest and nicest posters around these parts (until now!!). But now it kinda makes me sick to my stomach. I don't want this guy to think I'm one of the "best" Cafe people. And I'm holding back judgment on all this Spelunk nonsense until I hear about it from someone WHO ISN'T GLASSWAVE. (Plus, this is stupid, but there's something that makes it even worse about the fact that the diner has my name :P) No matter how you slice it, it's a sad day for the Cafe. D:

Sally:

Yeah me too JimWind. I'm literally crying rn. First Spelunk went wrong, then we have to wait to hear about what happened, then we finally get the report but it's from this jerk! I'm really sad bc this forum has meant a lot to me over the last year (its been a really tough year for me) and now I'm worried that everyone here might be some sort of drug-pushing creep :( :( :(

before this, everyone felt connected in some way w/ chesscourt and safe. and paul/glasswave was a decent person in the community! he talked to other ppl. ppl trusted him enough to invite him to this thing and meet up irl. and then he just. spikes coffee with adderall.

idk, maybe its just me since i was too young to be on fandom spaces in 2004 and be on chatrooms and stuff, but i feel like when the internet first came out everyone felt safe on it to some degree and the internet and real life were seperate spaces. now, esp with social media like facebook, real life and the internet are super connected. 

the fact that paul caused harm to his friends by spiking their drinks without consent is horrible. but like i feel like to ppl from 2004 who might not have experienced this kind of closely tied internet/real life drama before and also might not have the same sense of internet stranger danger that ppl have today, the idea of a person from the internet harming you in real life could be terrifying. today, i think that horror stories of ppl meeting online and then things going wrong is so common and in the news that we don’t bat an eye to it. but i guess maybe to 2004 ppl, this is like the ultimate nightmare.

when i finished the book, i felt a bit let down by the ending and stuff. it felt a bit anti-climatic. but after thinking about this from (what i think is) a 2004 person’s perspective, this is p awful. and the whole unreliable narration thing was very good.

i thought of midsommar a bit when i was thinking abt the ending. like, sure a bunch of horrible gory stuff happened and ppl died. but the real horror sets in afterwards when you realize that the movie is abt a vulnerable lonely woman in a neglectful relationship being indoctrinated into a cult thru drugs, isolation, and love bombing, and it was kinda shown as a “good thing” bc the protag finally found a place she belonged. when really, she was being further trapped in life, this time in a cult.

idk, but i guess that’s my ramble on the northern caves.

tl;dr - i read an original story from AO3 that was kinda hyped up for a lovecraft-ish horror, but i ended up interpreting the horror aspect differently and didn’t really get the mundum/lovecraft-ish part i think?

[enchantechante]

22012017 0509

its 330a and i woke up crying.

im still drunk, so i feel like i can be honest now.

i have been trying to ask myself what hurts. everything. everything hurts. and i dont know if im having a depressive episode in the middle of the night or if im just mourning bc my family is back home watching my gma die.

idk if i just have so much unforgiveness in my heart that it just wakes me up out my sleep.

all the demons i need to feed.

i cant remember the last time i spent time with someone who wasnt in their phone. and its becoming hard to distinguish if its a nervous habit or if people rly just rather be in their phone than be fully present w me.

speaking of things that make me feel non essential, i think certain people need people around like a fidget toy. to deflect their nervous energy or something.

esp me.

spending time w me is rly nice for some people bc i can easily have a full conversation abt someone else and be engaged. bc i love ppl. very specifically and devoutly. and ppl can feel that. and i think for people who neglect themselves, my genuine attention quenches something deeper for them.

like an itch they cant seem to scratch on their own.

and for a while ive felt like im a good stepping stone for certain people until they get ahold of themselves, heal and are able to give that genuine attn to someone else.

which is natural i guess. to finally acknowledge i was never all too memorable (to them).

but thats when you can feel good abt something like never speaking to your best friend again.

when you remember how disposable they made you feel.

you’re finally free to find someone who can treat you how you treat them.

even if that person is just you.

and they finally get it and agree to let the friendship die and its like watching everything, all of it, the pain and the pleasure, float off into outter space.

and the terror of when are they gonna hurt you again isnt lingering over your head. you can breathe a little deeper knowing theres one less person whos going to try and tear you down mentally again.

even tho it “wasnt always like that”.

tell me, how many times does someone need to tell you they used to try and make you feel stupid on purpose for you to day dream abt how to get free from that? (not them, as a person but THAT. whatever that thing is that lets “loved ones” go to sleep hurting so our egos can thrive)

if its possible to “bring the abuser out” in a person, i guess i do.

or for him i did.

call me old fashioned but i cant refriend ppl i know need professional psychological assistance and have not yet received it.

but thats nothing new.

i feel free now tho. & that is new.

sad but mostly free.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

since christmas ive started struggling w suicidal ideology again and i see why my therapist made a huge deal abt self care.

bc once you learn to take care of yourself, there is always undoubtedly one person who can back you when you need it. who can love you as you need it.

who you will never be too clingy to. or easily ignored w someones dash/feed/phone/txt.

me loving myself came out of necessity.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i smoke. i drink.

but watching my family suffer, watching them die as she dies, hurts so deep ive stopped enjoying it.

there is nothing chemical or otherwise that can take this away.

i still do it.

but in the way ppl who hate their jobs drink coffee. bc its the only not-so-shitty part. it could be freshly ground & columbian imported.

its just another thing to make the empty feeling inside feel a little less empty.

except my shitty job is living rn.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i dont give people the opportunity to call me “clingy” twice. after the first time i enjoyed your presence and you felt mine was excessive im gon get the fuck on. its becoming hard to distinguish if he just wants to be around bc he’s used to me being around but when we’re actually out, if im beside him clingy.

it makes functions my boyfriends gonna be at w me feel like im going out by myself.

bc who gives someone the opportunity to call them clingy twice...

not in a relationship.

(or anywhere rly).

the race to be at a friends house as soon as i get home. or in another room. the constant desire to be entertained, we cant just sit and actually, you know, just be w each other.

things i enjoy bc i actually like my bf as a person.

theres are ways to be here and gone.

for me to tell you “i miss you” and youre sitting right across from me, in a room where no one else is talking. and im not soft spoken its just one of those here-and-gone things.

i asked him if he heard me tonight and he said he didnt.

i said it wasnt important.

cause it doesnt feel like it is anymore. - - - - - - - - - - - - -

my friend and i are talking again.

and thats the only plus i could give today. the only thing that didnt have a fucked up underside.

i think its hard when youve accidentally hurt someone you care abt and you want to rebuild the friendship you gotta consider why ita such an uphill battle.

but its worth it bc of who he is.

he had so much to mourn. and be angry abt. so much to try and make sense of. and bc he matters to me, i did my very best to understand at any given moment since i hurt him i could be encountering him at any stage of grief.

some of how he feels isnt so much personal to me as it is also apart of unpacking what every thing thats transpired meant to him.

and bc i love him, im patient.

and i will apologize for the rest of my life if i need to. hes too important to not understand how important he is to me.

it means a lot we got to talk today.

- - - - - - - - - - -

also got great advice from bestables. whos subtle love keeps me from feeling like im falling apart from too long. bestables could txt once a week.

bc she gave me love that grew. and we both tend it often and regularly.

bc what she built by design is self-sustaining (sured up w love, trust, understanding, consistency, pure intentions, grace and forgiveness - all that good best friend stuff) she can leave and come back.

she knows how to say or do just a few things here and there, bc she knows me, that keep my heart full.

she is my living example of how to use love to keep a person strong rather than leave them weak (which i think is an over romanticized state to be in bc of “love”).

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

i deleted a young woman i used to talk to.

and she reached out this evening and we had a v nice talk. she & i have only had a few nice talks, and flirted a bit. but she got some rly dark news.

and she stopped talking to me. which im fine w but it was hard seeing her pop up on fb talking and flirting w all of her other friends.

so i just tried to make a graceful exit and im surprised she noticed.

im kind of at the point in my life tho where if someones gonna be my friend i need them to come on w it.

mentally i dont think i have the energy for one-sided friendships rn.

also: this isolating myself shit? its clutch af.

why? bc ppl rly suck rn. & im so v fragile.

ppl still be like, “how are you?” and if im bein honest i just say “not good.” i feel sick but like its in my heart/mind.