#esp since it’s not a first draft i’m more focused on making it good than just making it

[kiki-is-writing]

obviously i gave up on nano. what else would i be doing.

[incorrect-ikevamp-quotes]

Hi again! I come to you today with a question that may simply be a continuity error, but I'm still interested in your thoughts! In the main story, le Comte *knows* it was MC that came through the door behind him. Yet in Comte's "One Night, Beneath the Crescent Moon" POV story, he said he "...had no idea of what would happen next... That she would end up using the same door and end up stuck on the other side." What's your take on it? Thanks in advance! 💛

Hiya! First off I wanna apologize for how long it took to reply oTL I had originally drafted a response and then lost it when I accidentally closed the tab, and whenever that happens I always have to like sufficiently mourn the words I lost 😂😂😂

But to answer your question! If I’m entirely honest, I can’t remember what it was Comte said exactly in the Main Story in regards to her entering the door. There could be a lot of explanations for him saying he “knew”: continuity error, him wanting to put her at ease by seeming “in control” of the situation (while he’s screaming internally), or maybe even him wanting to cast some doubt as to whether or not he’s a person that can be trusted (aka the whole like “MC nooooooo don’t trust me I’m a vampire very bad very scary run away” kind of like Leonardo). 

All that being said, given the evidence we have and the stories I’ve read from his POV--esp that Crescent Moon one you referenced--I’m most inclined to believe that he had no idea she would follow him that day at the Louvre. If anything I really don’t think he ever anticipated any human person could follow him through the door? Because remember Sebastian (and the suitors for that matter) only manage because Comte is their escort. Sure their will to live on was strong enough that he could hear them, but they had no capacity to approach or find a door on their own as far as we currently know. The door was closed when MC found it; this suggests that Comte fully closed off that avenue to make sure nobody wayward stepped in by accident. He did the responsible thing and he left long before he could ascertain her safe journey through time, but she still managed to make it across somehow.

That’s why I think MC’s mere existence is earth-shattering to Comte. I mean we have all the good basics: a lovely lady, sweet and hard-working, means well and does her best. And these attributes all do matter, for sure. But the door is perhaps a greater catalyst in their romance than we might have first anticipated.

There will be some semi-hefty JPN rt spoilers below the cut for Dazai and Comte, so I’m just going to keep it under wraps just in case there are people who want to remained 100% unspoiled:

TW: Mentions of suicide in Dazai’s rt

The reason I say this is twofold, based on information provided by Dazai and Comte’s Main Story route. In Dazai’s route, remember that the focal point of the story is that Dazai wants to go back in time to kill himself as a baby so that he can never grow up to write his books or cause anyone pain in the near future--essentially, suicidal ideation to a frightening extreme. One of the main reasons that he fails (though MC plays a significant role in stopping him, too) is that Dazai’s will to kill himself is too weak. In simpler terms, this means that--no matter how much he insisted he wanted to die, the truth of his heart was revealed in his constant hesitating and difficulty going through with it. This is very often a reaction from people who need sizable psychological assistance to overcome trauma; they don’t usually want to die, it’s more that the pain of surviving their experiences is outweighing any possible joy they can find in living. 

But back to the most important part in bold. When Dazai asks about being able to use the door to travel through time, Charles confirms that it’s possible to travel without a pureblood escort. HOWEVER. This type of travel is very, very difficult unless you have an intense sense of willpower. I imagine the implication here is that you have to have an overwhelming desire and firmly believe it’s where you want to be in order for the travel attempt to succeed at all. (I don’t think the tethering point necessarily matters, but there is a suggestion that strong bonds between people--whether platonic or romantic--can serve as powerful guideposts when the door is distorted.) In other words, the reason Dazai relies on Charles’ moral bankruptcy is because Dazai knows he doesn’t feel strongly enough to go through with the suicide. He needs someone else who has the sheer determination and unbending will to see it through when the door opens. 

This is why Dazai is forced to ask Charles to accompany him, even though Charles doesn’t necessarily want to kill him. For Charles, this is less about a desperation to kill Dazai and more about his intense obsession-love for MC, and his willingness to do anything to receive her love/attention in return. In Charles’ view, since MC is ostensibly in love with Dazai, removing Dazai from the picture permanently is ideal. While Charles’ judgement is clouded and a little horrific, he is nonetheless rock steady in comparison to Dazai’s nonstop wavering. Dazai knows that he’s fickle on a personal level; one moment he wants to die, another he’s too afraid to let go of what he does care about or upset anyone. He’s at a point where he doesn’t know what’s right or true anymore and he’s floundering, which is honestly fairly common among those who share his lamentable condition. (Most people don’t have a death wish--it’s more a combination of circumstantial problems and healing that has remained in stasis that constitutes the extremity of that behavior.)

Moving right along, Comte’s route also features a similar testament to willpower, believe it or not. This happens in the last few chapters of the main story. Basically, Shakespeare dumps MC on Vlad’s doorstep and she’s more or less suffering the latter’s monologuing for a good while. Not long after that Comte appears and nearly shoots Vlad in the head, the bullet just grazing his cheek. Comte demands that he let MC go, and Vlad--in a classic sadistic act of compliance--wrenches open the door and just tosses MC into the freefall of distorted spacetime.

Now this is dangerous to MC’s life in and of itself, but there’s a key element there: distorted spacetime. In this main story the door never returns to its normal state after that first month period. Rather, the expanse of the door is too dangerous to be traveled even by a pureblood, let alone a human being. The chances MC will ever be able to escape in order to survive are closer to zero than any other number. Remember that Comte is immortal. If he gets stuck on his own, he can’t die and the damage to his body is always more than able to heal when he’s back to safety. (He even warns Leonardo in Leo’s MS that the danger of getting stuck in some kind of pocket in spacetime is still too significant to be ignored, though I can’t be sure if that’s due to Leonardo’s inexperience with time travel/requirement for an escort, or just an inevitable risk you juggle anytime you travel through the door.)

Of course Comte leaps in after her to try to save her, but presumably their entry point is long gone now (Vlad shut the door), so they’re just kind of floating in amorphous time. They do and don’t exist. Comte is understandably distraught because MC’s life hangs in the balance; if they don’t find a way out, she is almost certainly going to die. Comte admits that--while he hates the fact that his very existence is a danger to her, he still doesn’t regret finding her by any extension. MC protests, naturally, that there’s nothing to regret. Circumstances be what they may, she loves him. 

Now, here is the key. While Comte is trying to think of a way out, MC is thinking hard about wanting to return to the mansion. Her mind reflects an acute, intense desire to return home to the place where they both belong. And wouldn’t you know it? They both suddenly tumble out of the door in the mansion and onto the carpeted floor, whole and alive, sputtering in disbelief. Comte is baffled at first but it can only give way to immense relief that she’s safe, and he just immediately breaks down.

The only reason the two make it out unscathed is because of--I can only assume--MC’s overwhelming will to live on with Comte and return to the mansion. While it would have been natural for her to be overcome by fear to the point where she could make no productive decision, or even humor the concept of focusing on their home, she does it all the same with immediate success. That’s also part of why I think Comte just 100% caves into both of their feelings in the next chapter. He saw firsthand that, not only does MC keep a level head under duress, but she also has the overpowering will necessary to survive amongst vampires. And it was perhaps this unshakeable will in the first place that landed her in the late 19th century all those weeks ago.

It’s interesting because, honestly? Her entry through the door is more or less a hinge point for their romance. While it obviously isn’t the only reason he cares about her, it definitely is one of the bigger reasons he even feels safe enough to court her in earnest in the aftermath. It is literally only after this event that he confesses everything. Why he created the mansion and the men. How he’s really felt about her and himself all this time. What Vlad showed her and the implications of Vlad’s existence. And finally the truth about what he wants. He wants a relationship with her, but he keeps being held back by the fear that he’s too much. That the demand of being by his side will outweigh any happiness she might find choosing him. (Granted MC and I find that preposterous given how attentive and considerate he is, but you know). But after seeing her pull off surviving Vlad and traveling through the door by her own willpower again? I think it sufficiently lessens his doubts as to whether she could handle a future with him. It gives him the courage to just ask her: Do you want a future with me? Can you handle the demands of a vampire that cannot accept a mere human lifetime to be in love? 

And so this is why I have unceasing Comte brainworms ladies and gentlethem. I need to go lie down before I start crying again, I love him oTL

[meandmyechoes]

A collection of diaries.

[Jun 12th, 2020 9:09:49pm]

idk, really feeling like getting away from the Earth for awhile.

The Artemis Fowl movie is coming out. actually, has come out by now. and I’m having a good time rereading the books but I’m still too early in the series to decide whether I should scrap the rest and jump straight to the movie. I probably shouldn’t - in the sense that I should brush up the first book (since I just finished 2 this afternoon and sped past half of 3 just now), watch the movie, then have the rest of the series to fall back on. I remember the excellent plots in 456 and would love for a bit more time to savour them. 7 and 8 is important for Artemis’s character so eventually I should arrive there as part of a thorough re-read, just not sure how all that’s gonna fit into my simultaneous tumblr schedule.

It was never a question that I’m gonna make gifset(s) for the AF movie. Not sure if anyone out there would be focused on afedits but it wouldn’t be surprising if one or two random passer-by post a gifset or two to commemorate the event. Again with edits, time is of the essence, especially when I intend to promote the movie via trailer sets. But I do fear I end up having more prompts than expected like with TCW which now span 8 pages. I mean, even 10 AF gifsets would’ve been quite the workload. and when I do have that much inspiration, I would’ve to delegate to littleafthings, or afparty for a wider audience for stuff like single character/scene sets as not to clog up the main Clone Wars programming. and I do slightly want to get in touch with the old AF fandom (who happens to cross paths again in TCW! what a chance!) to see like how much people are still around. :/

ah with Clone Wars.

well, I have THREE stock gifsets ready in the drafts so it’s not like I’m pressured to publish anything. But I do want to keep making new gifsets (esp. for Echo and Fives) so I can publish these stock ones! especially meta fuel like my padawan! I don’t really have a solid take on it, because it’s not like a big naming thing. and I’ll be reviewing name dynamic anyway along with translation series. which led me to want to finish the movie for name dynamic first. i only have 2.5 now and i planned on 5? for the movie. there probably won’t be that much notes in regard to the movie but idk, i NEED to finish that business.

another thing i’ll  be interested in working on is the biology metas, since the old lekku post flared up again. right now there’s actually 3 going on. i’ll be polishing stress/stripes first, because the main argument checks out, i just need some more backup knowledge of hormone system and adolescence growth of humans and see i could streamline and merge human and togurtan system. I also need some visual aids to help popularize it i guess, :/ but i wasn’t intending it to be a full-blown rebelsoka model analysis/comparison because that was more or less a given, i don’t even have an artist’s eye for it :/ and i kinda only did the first lekku post because the visual aid was already available for me to steal :/ I mean, I could do it :/ but it’s also more work :/

before the lekku post re-flare, I was gearing up to make the Kiros ecology post because I became interested in categorizing montral arch shapes (for women at least) that was just a beginning idea and i meant to take my time to do that. but with the flare it feels like i should publish something quick in response first so i guess i’ll dust off that draft again.

I discussed sth about Force inheritance with little bro last night, it wasn’t an exactly enlightening conversation but we did think alike so often so much, he just understands the way I think, and we raised some more interesting questions. mostly regarding if a person’s midichlorian count stays constant through out their life - does it go down with severed limbs? or go up with embryos? which led to when exactly do midicholrians enter a person’s ‘life’? Thus, what happen to midichlorians after its host’s death? Would most rejoin the Cosmic Force? and the Force ghost appearance mechanism? what happen to their midicholrians? Since MC are defined as a ‘conduit’ of the Force, is it the necessary medium for a consciousness ‘one with the Force’ to manifest in the physical plane? If so, are those their midichlorians or midichlorians from the surroundings (because the Force is ‘an energy field created by all living things’?

you can see I have some predisposition about my own questions but a lot of them remain unanswered.

What category of symbiosis does “midicholorian-life” falls into?

Midichlorians live inside the body so endosymbiosis.

Both species benefits so mutualism.

But is it obligatory (both dies) or facultative (one survives)?

This definition is essential to answer the interchange of midichlorians in the Cosmic Force and the physical plane (i.e. its human host and the Living Force). From there, one could tackle on the equillibrium - balance of the Force in an energy/numerical sense.

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[Jun 22nd, 2020 4:41:07pm]

another tumblr draft therapy session. this is going to be ALL over the place.

I just want to - sing? I’m sleepy and don’t want to do anything. but I have like, duties. and things/wip left from last week and over the weekend to attend to.

A main reason of things piling up is not (just) because of me procrastinating, but I’ve also been reacting a lot. that’s actually causing me to lose focus in my own compass. not to say regarding the blog that grand, but (selfishly) on a personal level like I want to get (those) things done.

It’s a bit of pressure from both the follower pressure* that i feel a little“monitored” in my actions, and a personal drive to fulfillment. I’ll come on and dash, mostly just out of habit and it’s not like everything is mind-blowing every day. But I got inspired by the fandom’s creativity a lot, even though that’s winding down. Besides the couple of stories I want to work on seeing other people’s art (that I have a small part in requesting), I’ve been getting tagged in’s and messages. it’s just me to react to people liking my stuff. I’m still surprised and thankful for every reaction i get, even though the tumblr population and thus the culture -  gifset format and their habits in like/reblog ratios has changed drastically since 2016.

I always feel like I open my tumblr drafts - and then don’t want to do anything. Right now it’s probably more related to my physical fatigue, after a week of going out every day under the 30°+ glaring sun. I’ve been setting daily goals and never getting around to finish them - then dragging on to only sleep at 4am. Not healthy. This pattern has even lasted a whole week already! (if not a month!)

and it’s just - a weighing ton of workload - that while I’m happy to work on/through - in the same time became a bit intimidating. I know that I’ll feel more satisfied when I’m finished with them, and I honestly find joy in doing work like this - creating for my favourite story & fandom. but everything from every aspect piling on me at once left me a little bit sour. (*╯︿╰)

and I really feel like screaming from the bottom of that pit.

you see i’ve been keeping a queue since the amazing stuff from a month ago was so blooming while my post frequency and number has went down. it feels like a lot has left (temporarily) again now the hype is over. and i surely don’t and can’t blame them for not living on the internet 24-7. but i sure do feel a bit maladjusted in the finale aftermath. like i’m locked in this hell hole and everybody else has moved on for recovery shows and new hobbies. I can’t even find interest in a prolonged activity. I do have a lot of backup interests/hobbies to fall back on, but I seem to have no attention span to stay anywhere but tumblr. :(

I’m always so uptight into checking the activity page it’s almost pathological. I’m always refreshing it looking for sth to react, while my sanity demands otherwise. It’s only if nobody on tumblr is looking for me at my posts that I feel safe enough to retreat to a soundproof cave or I’m ignoring people. and it’s conflicted because I do like interacting with other people who are as passionate as I am about my favourite people. however the truth is I’m not good at making/keeping friendships* so it could be a strain on my lazy ass :(

Reasonably, I know I should set a particular time to check activity only, or just close the site/log off for the while. I should work harder at keeping limits like that just to coach myself into shape. ��

Also I should mention this weird adjust to U.S. time that left my work day to start circa 22:35...

#sometimes i forget coffee fix everything #i just need to aggressively karaoke

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[Jun 24th, 2020 3:52:51pm]

everyone is so fuckin’ talented on this site...

i’ve always wanted a sewing machine, even clothes-making is a very very low-ranked hobby of mine, and i’m no way skilled at that...

and i’m finally buying it for my 23rd birthday, in trade for new book space in the house....

everyone artist in the tcw fandom is so goddamn talented....

everyone who draws tcw characters in alternative fashion... i blame you all for my latest shopping spree on a new sewing machine and sixty brands of fabric...

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[Jun 25th, 2020 12:21:13am]

haha let's try to write something. It's 23:05, Wendnesday, Jun 24th. Ah, last year today I was already in Osaka, sound asleep onboard the bus to Tokyo. Right now, I binged three episodes of Clone Wars after a good glass of Choc-Milk Tea and two of Mom's sweet soup.

My eyes are wide awake and in my chest it's like butterflies fluttering. I'm so excited by things and so deflated at the same time. I fucked up my own sleep schedule now I'm perm stuck at a 4am/4pm/4 hours rotation and it sucks. Because I can never seem to gather enough energy in the day time to work on anything important. I'd have ideas in my brain but no outlet. and when I'm more adjusted to waking up after cooking and eating a meal, my body goes into digestive fatigue and demands a nap again. so in the end I get no fucking thing done while the clock hits eleven.

I guess I'm suppose to write, at the wee of night. But it also doesn't feel that right, as an excuse. If I must say, I do prefer working/writing in the afternoon, for I feel more energized to do it then. Now it's the night and my whole indoctrination tells me I should sleep. Maybe I should do it now so I can wake up some time early tomorrow, yeah let's do that.

Another thing I want to rant at least once (more) is how much I fucking miss Japan. like I really miss the sunny days and windy nights and the foreign land. Forcing myself to speak another language and being miles and miles away from chores and people. Getting Financial freedom. Arguably I've been buying and cooking the past few days too, generally putting two meals in my body every day, and that fulfills me to a degree, but I do want a more purposeful task. To say the least, I guess I'm ready to look for a job now, just that my uni/degree is very very messy and while i'm reluctant, i'm sure i can work that out avoid the problem in a few moves.

Haha, I also need to apply for that government grant so I can pay for bills and a good time next month. There's $10,000 and I think it's gonna evaporate by the end of the year, realistically. I suppose my mom will need some of it, when she asks. I'll be spending $1000 on dining, that's for sure. While I do want a good machine, $1000+ for a seldom hobby and a high-risk-to-be-thrown-around-during-mum's-tantrum item is still too much. Hopefully, I can score a second-hand at around $500. I also objectively needs a new phone. I've been using this second-hand one for two and a half years now, while the model is a product of 2015. It can't charge or read memory cards proper anymore. While I do prefer older models like this for its durability upon fall and removal of battery, I do need a new phone so I don't have to listen to the same six songs over and over again. But I hate picking out new phones - generally comparing products and prices at all for the tedious work, and honestly I had solutions around that, so I'm not all that out for buying a new one. idk, maybe I'll hold out for another six months longer before I absolutely have to get a new one.

I've been doing more art lately (by art she means sketching and lately she means the past three days). I just want to. I'm really glad scuttlebuttin find me interesting enough to chat with, and I'm overwhelmed by all these amazing artists on the website. Which makes me want to draw things too, but I have no skills :( I have years of practice ahead of me just to draw a profile. I thought I could design some clothing, but alas, that's not something you force upon. It's definitely there, down the line, but right now the inspiration is not responding.

And what I should really do, is write. Articles, metas, fics otherwise. I have this long list of debt in my wip drafts that I owe these projects themselves to get onto. and it would honestly be something I'd love to get on. I remember one or two months ago when I'd be fiercely typing on the keyboard and it felt good. So I want to be writing that stuff. Instead/On the contrary, I'm writing about myself, which in itself it's not a bad thing, it's still meaningful - but I could use that time to write something that's also meaningful to somebody else.

Overall, I just want to bring more positivity into the fandom, create more buzz and discussion around it. I'm incredulous that artists do draw my "request" because I (don't want to) feel like cheating them by asking for their effort without repaying them in some way. Which is why I do try to create a story/scenario to go with the thing, in a very minute way of giving thanks. (but I sucks at speed)

and I HAVE TO, have to talk about the influx of followers. Looking back now, I remember I had bare 400 followers when i first came back in March (398 to be exact), and most of that are dead/porn blogs. Now I have an active following of at least 200 people, 10 or so that interact daily, and fandom talents that I hold to the highest regard as mutuals. Just... what an incredible honour. That, in a way definitely brings a kind of pressure I didn't had, say back in 2013-6 while tumblr is a window into lives across the globe, but my blog was a tiny and safe haven to express all my doubts and frustration, pride and mania. I didn't have to worry about my text posts being seen. The follower count is a large part of why I feel I need to be more responsible for my speech along with my years added. So more often I find myself therapeutically typing into the tumblr draft just to clear my train of thoughts. I understand this is still very much my space and I shouldn't be too paranoid about people fixating on me, a fellow random internet stranger. but... it's not that I want to be... more private, but I kinda also wish I could publish stuff without thinking someone else would go through it. and most rant it's not even like, it'd be upsetting (to the reader) if it was actually seen (because it's mostly just very me-specific self-doubt). You know, my heart skips a beat when I rant something personal and it gets a like - like, I don't even know what you mean! and I don't want to second guess! but the knowledge that someone read this very me-specific thought - and took the effort to leave a heart - gives me even more self-doubt.

More tumblr stuff. Now that every one has moved on (to other shows or back to work), I'm feeling lonely (because the dash and my favourite people are not as active anymore) and cramped (because I'm interacting with new people and my posts got way more popular way easier than during the run, with less competition and algorithm). and the sad, sad truth is I understand the whole working mechanism behind the whole thing. Our age group are adults and have working jobs and it only makes sense if they queue during weekdays or not come online daily - because real-life responsibilities are important that way, but i really, really miss the buzz of May even the migration is a huge sign for me to move on myself as well, one that I want to believe in. It's been difficult to adjust, which is why it took me two whole months to, and I'm only beginning to think of more real-life responsibilities/non-tumblr activities now. So I want to isolate myself from this site a little, find a day job and set up an actual rhythm to my life, then I can return to tumblr/gifing/clone wars as an escapist hobby instead of having it taken over my life completely.

I also feel kind of left out because I'm not in the active clone sub-fandom. They've been denying canon and inventing fanon for years. With or without the Clone Wars resurrgence, they'd've still done the the same. And with the general disinterest in the Jedi Order and the tragedy of clones, nothing has changed in the status quo for them. They simply went back to creating happy AUs and clone OCs which is why they bounce back much faster than Ahsoka (Anakin) stans like us. On the other hand, Kenobi stans, a new discovery for sure since my departure are "destined for infinite sadness", so it's not like the pain of the finale is anything new to them, and with Obi-wan departed three weeks ago, they  theoretically had more time to recover. So I guess I'm still lonely in my woe.

If you ask for my personal closure with The Clone Wars, it's half-baked - or coming undone. I still haven't written a definitively eulogy (poem) for them - it, and I haven't published every meta I have on just the final scene. Nor had I mad much progress with the big cinematography analysis I desperately want to do. It just... invoke such a sadness and immobility in the solemness of that scene I hardly know what to do. These are some healthy hobbies/vents that could really benefit from a proper rhythm of the day. I mean - I'm ready to catch a break - a tiny tiny bit of aesthetic fatigue from canon!Ahsoka even - and I still stand by when I said the Bendu knighting her gave me the closure I need. I would've been perfectly content if I didn't know she came back from Malachor as Ahsoka the White. but now I do? I desperately need her to interact with Luke/Leia and REUNITE WITH ANAKIN'S FORCE GHOST. I dare not to think too much if she's immortal. and I really don't want the mess regarding her live-action rumours. I hardly know if anything's true and I don't want to think things that I have a backup plan for when I don't like it. I don't even want to mention Ahsoka. I just... take me back to the start.

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[Jun 26th, 2020 4:23:02pm]

you subscribe to patreon for quality work but if you follow me on tumblr dot com you only get exclusive untagged shitposts

ah the bless of tumblr’s late night + my time zone’s afternoon.

to put tags on a meme kind of defeat the purpose of a meme

not cosplaying ahsoka is a sane decision I’ll never attempt in my life, but i’ll never stop postulate what texture would lekku feel like. 6′aSZ..;p

my biggest complain against live-action ahsoka whatsoever is NO material will make lekku look organic enough. look at my icon.

one thing led another i sketched some tcw(clones)-themed sailor fuku and there’s no explanation rex’s’s model has to have abs.

i’m feeling really fluttering on (in?) the inside. Every day I learn something new from the Star Wars universe and I already feel obsessed enough. There’s so much to learn!

every day tumblr user scuttlebuttin post new artwork at 5am-ish in my time and I wake up to its majesty every day from then on i’m a non-funcitoning human popsicle melting in the 30°C weather the whole day i-

every day i come on tumblr dot com, reblog my friend’s stuff, then crawl back under my own rock

i don’t know why this week the last two days has been like this - i’m tired all the time, sleepy all the time, i have no motivation to initiate anything ever. I have stuff floating in my head, I feel my whole being locked in thought and I’m overwhelmed by... time. the passage of time. laughing at me in the face. (I’m probably getting emo again before period)

i kinda want to do gifs but maybe nothing i ever do will top that vader-soka post ever

and the monthly ‘get fancy’ urge flared up again. and i’m still sitting on my lazy ass, torn between ‘working/writing’ and ‘get the fuck out and exercise’.

i think i would’ve displayed enough conceitedness by now for people on the internet to decide i’m obnoxious

this post has dragged on from the afternoon to now 3:36am in the morning. it’s a collection of scattered shitposts across the last few days. and as evident, i can’t even get a proper diary written.

no i have nothing else to vomit

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new diary. [27/6/2020. 3:40am to 4:16am.]  parenting.

I talked with little bro last night. Yes, we haven’t seen each other again for another week. Yesterday was Dragon Boat Festival so we all met up at Gramp’s for dinner. On our ride back, he started talking about psychology and existentialism - not that he know the term - and a little bit conspiracy theories. I’m really glad he finally starts questioning his life. and I’m even surprised at myself being calm about his development on track with mine, two years behind.

Being/living away from him is beneficial to both of us, to an unforeseen extent. I’m relieved of the constant dread to raise him while being irresponsible myself. I can barely hold myself together while I pile on more unnecessary burden - roles that I don’t even qualify. Everything you do is magnified in her eyes.

Then since last year, our society and more importantly the micro-society that is our family... underwent some fundamental changes, to say the least. He is able to see behind the curtains to ugly truths and learnt to rely on himself, while being a good communicator on his own. I know how important it is for a teenager to have a listener, and that’s the role I’m trying to fill in. He also understands our similarities and differences between us, and the four of us, better than any one. He’s also more athletic, outgoing and sociable than I could ever be. So the new direction I will steer him in is diverse but accurate language to coach him in acknowledging and expressing his emotions over impulses. I felt like he is already capable in the empathy department (and he will be more sincere than I’ll ever be, because he doesn’t have ASD. Even with his one-sided experience with people on the spectrum, he understands the evil in the state media’s portrayal of the condition, among other disabilities)

The Summer is a political awakening, and his personal awakening slowly gains momentum since then even though his school’s Liberal Education curriculum doesn’t sow that seed. Unlike my school, his curriculum skipped over Personal Growth and Interpersonal Relationships in like two months while we had a year to talk about everything. The lessons on actualization, gender stereotypes, idol worshiping, generation gap, to romance theory, parenting styles and family function during my twelfth year really helped with my inquisitive puberty self. Since the second term, they’ve been on Hong Kong’s economy and sociopolitical participation - which undoubtedly has to be toned down after self-censorship and the bottom licker of a bureau head. From the fact they are a Band III school, the materials are already ‘dumbed down’ compared to my school but they honestly talked about too much things too shallow (I can attest because I was there at his online lessons.) I’m not even gonna complain about spoon-feeding info - model answers of an interpretation instead of the method, because that’s the general style of teaching in Hong Kong for the past two decades, and you have to start somewhere, BUT. During these precious formative teenage years, it’s important to teach the 13/14-year-olds HOW TO THINK, more importantly, how to think others would think, and recgonize validity: respect where it’s due.

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[Jun 7th, 2020 7:21:49pm]

there they go again. #autism rant

TVB is back with another autistic (asperger) character. (who is basically a ripoff of Shaun Murphy as my preliminary search unearths)

I’m-- slightly fuming at it. While a firm believer of seeing the whole picture, I couldn’t help frowning because it most certainly sounds like they are glorifying autism by painting it ‘savant’ and ‘cute quirks’, just playing right into the stereotype and making as if autism is something you want in your kids by IT HELPS YOU RAISE A DOCTOR. Especially under such a pressurized education system like Hong Kong’s where people feed ‘smart drugs’ to kids.

I mean, every once a few years they run dry and will write another autistic character. Usually the more common ‘typical’ autistic men still in the care of a single mother played for ridicules and tear-jerking. you know, your usual type of disability played for chicken soup for the sound. I’m rolling my eyes so hard at this hegemony for playing ALL kinds of discriminatory stereotypes that I honestly didn’t bother to speak out. Like the whole city knows their talents run dry and credibility low, so I just hadn’t bother.

Anyway, I’ve always been interested in a character study for autistic portrayal on the small screen from the TV station that DOMINATES and profits. (RTHK out there doing the lord’s work by actually casting actors with corresponding conditions in much more accurate portrayals and passionate stories, but they have a viewership share of barely 1%) and it was sparked by one very heartfelt performance in the 2015 drama, Smooth Talker. To my surprise, autism is no longer introduced as one of the two extreme; neither a genius or an idiot. It isn’t a form of intellectual disability or ‘lesser’, just ‘different’, and she is a girl.

So I was very, very invested in the character’s journey even though she only has a secondary role. They still played tropes like ‘beautiful face, weird brain’, but the Asperger character is also very well-informed in her condition, has personal goals, and manage to foster positive male friendships and grow from those around her. All in all, that was the staple of positive, and accurate autism portrayal in my eyes. I still love that drama and her particularly to this day.

:/ All in all, a copycat but stereotypical Shaun is a regress no less, but what do we expect from a state media now. just fucking sad people are fed more and more disinformation from news to entertainment, and the ignorant mass that feeds on TVB? are the exact mob of short-sighted selfishness the society needs to eradicate.

P.S. I just looked at his featured trailer. It’s playing RIGHT into the trope I hate most - that autistic pepole have no self-control. Yes, our brain tells us to do things at inappropriate times, but the whole purpose of socialization, and extra training because we are autistic, is to familiarize us with a reasoning mechanism to process emotions that could be foreign to us. Like people have impulses in their brains all the time and I bet we only act on 1% of them. Or that as an asperger autist myself, I would be extra mindful of my behaviour in my public, or around people I love (when I care), because I’m intelligent enough to know that society perceive differently than me. The fact that he initiated physical contact and wrap himself around his crush/colleague pushed my brows together in a tight lock.

The next scene has the said crush/colleague reciting back to him his autistic traits. hmmm. He started the trailer by saying he has a ‘normal’ IQ and stated the same difficulties? and that his medical training should’ve made him knowledgeable even if his condition was left untreated as a kid? which it isn’t? I fuckin’ hate this kind of senseless exposition. the only part they got closer to reality is maybe his banging head on the wall or preference for ambient noises. so yeah they got the ‘problems’ right.

also autistic people definitely do not talk like monotonous robot.

Follow Up: 27/6/2020 6am 

The drama has been on a while (3 weeks) now. *breathes* Their relationship obviously doesn’t work. The insistence of using the exact words ‘ASD’ instead of the laymen is hypocritical. The set-up of mother-in-law/new wife rivalry is cliched and exhaustive. Inclusion of typical “autistic” patients in cameo roles as representation to the variety of the spectrum and exploration of the caretaker’s stress is... shallow and stereotypical.

I’m all for two imperfect people growing and learning with each other but they are pushed into marriage because the girl is dying?? and he simply stayed physically next to her the whole time?? woah, where’s the attraction? passion, intimacy, commitment - understanding? They don’t know what they’re getting into in a rush and they’re not ready.

okay, the actor is not bad. but would i say he’s good? original? No. He’s borderline accurate at glance, but I wouldn’t say he’s charming.

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[Jun 4th, 2020 7:41:31pm]

*sigh* I don’t know what to do again, so I’m going to therapeutically type into the tumblr draft and not publish anything again.

hmm the typing does feel right. but I don’t even have anything I want to say, per se. I do wanna go take a walk though,

-

I’m depressed and I don’t want to do any thing (until the next sun’s up and then go back to sleep) It’s not like when I’m restless when I would be fluttering looking for work to do. I opened the WIP list and lost interest in every. single. project. I love them and want to get them done all the same but I just looked at it then turn my head away annoyingly. I wanna sing my heart out. But I feel like I have a lot of thoughts locked up inside my head and it’d take either a very long type or some quickly frustrating handwriting to get out. :/ it could also be the period talking

*breathes* I try to remind myself to breathe

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[May 31st, 2020 10:30:03pm]

idk man idk what i want to do right now so i’m going to threaupetically type into the tumblr draft and not publish a thing :)

well i’ve been doing a LOT late actually. writing and giffing and buffing up the WIP list again. and i do like writing, but i guess for different reasons in different media. like on mobile, i’m more encouraged to start and list stuff out. but i have to come back to a desktop keyboard organize everything. hmm any way i love writing and i’m DESPERATE to get back to proper skysnips meta and or fic *air kiss*

*sigh* i have like so many things i wanna do~! right now, from all my heart, I actually wanna rewtach the wrong jedi arc. i miss them together and i miss them so much and i need that nostalgic pain. i just miss them so much!!!! okay!!!!!

~let’s go read some fanfic now :p

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[28/5/2020 14:30-15:00]

#personal #dark thoughts in the day of an afternoon

the disillusion of the justice system should serve as foreshadowing and thus, a warning to the people who still have faith in 'one country, two systems' which ultimately is merely a caricature of a constitution.

I used to believe in the justice system, not just the concept of justice served, but an actual system I can rely on. With every new court ruling, or lack there of of a prosecution, I believe less and less people could still hold the same faith in it. But if they still cling on to the mirage of 'a whole country', that we could somehow be the precious snowflake under a tyranny -

The phenomenon actually has only boiled over since the Anti-Extradition Law movement. But it has been simmering and boiling us alive since 2016, when the law was abused to disqualify democratically elected councillors, when they remove the force of change that once tried to play their game.

My mom questioned me that a lot, why wouldn't we work our way up to position of power and change from within. I stumbled once, I stopped explaining twice, and I barely manged an eyeroll the third time. That has been her philosophy imposed on me all my life. and to have that motto ripped apart, to have reality forces me to confront it - is a... destructive experience. (deconstructive would give a clearer meaning but it certainly destroyed (a part of) my old self and honestly caused some emotional damage)

I'm not saying sorry though. I'm not repairing that. I know all the right way to hurt people ok. and sometimes I like it. I don't understand people who don't understand that people can be sadistc. like, you can hurt people for fun. but most times it's not a very strong motivation, sometimes you just hurt people because you want to see them hurt, and that in turns feeds back to the Fun.

and honestly I don't hate myself for it. and I confirmed that I wouldn't woo for it in the future. and honestly I don't care if anyone die alone in despair. but this begs the question of, if you don't care, why would you rather choose this path? yeah i don't care, so i don't for this question as well. I am power-hungry!

I'm listening to lam chik's interview from rthk. He talked about letting go and holding on. he talked about reflecting on why we say the meanest things to the people we love most. I realize that when I was 16 ok. not trying to judge him or anything, just the philosophy discussed in the show. He was pleaing, a point in his life, wishing the pain would 'go away'.

I was thinking, how are you so confident that it wouldn't? that you could hold on to what you like? what you choose to believe/remember? what gave you the arrogance to defeat age and your own brain's decay?

It's

[au-tumn-al]

TTGC has been out for 2 weeks now and since it’s been enough time for me to stop crying and actually do the post-game stuff, I want to get all my thoughts out about it. It’ll be under a cut because it’ll be long, and I’m not sure how many of my followers are actually interested in what I have to say. Which is ofc fine, I just like talking about it and I’ve been sitting on some of this for a while.

To start off, I loved Torna ~ The Golden Country. It’s the best expansion DLC we’ll be seeing from Nintendo, and probably from most other games in general, for a while. 

I like its core cast of main characters than base XC2, and I think I like it a little more than XC1’s as well. I didn’t actually like any of the characters more than my favorites from base XC2, but as a whole, they were all really likable and never felt like they were falling behind in the background. I never felt like “yeah, I like them I guess” to any of the cast members like Sharla was for me from XC1, and a pretty decent chunk of the protagonists in XC2. ...Because XC2′s cast was way too huge with too much focus on the antagonists and somehow not enough at the same time, but that’s neither here. Technically Team Hugo isn’t really as important to the story as Lora, Jin, Addam, and Mythra, but the sidequests very easily fixed that for me. All the characters were very present in the side-content so I never forgot about them. I regularly did sidequests when they popped up so it felt like a natural part of the story.

I would say that it delivered in everything that I was hoping for from a story standpoint but it really, really didn’t. One of the things I was looking forward to the most was seeing more of Amalthus and Malos’s dynamic before Malos left to start his rampage. Their relationship is only told through subtext in the core game and what we saw was interesting. Even in some of chapter 8 and 9, it almost felt like they were trying one-up the other on how much destruction they could cause. Malos’s “Amalthus, you never disappoint” line delivery even makes it sound like he was looking forward to what his driver would be throwing at Alrest.

The only thing we got from Torna about how they were initially with each other was

Malos shows up and Amalthus’s knee-jerk reaction is a deadpan “oh god, it’s this asshole” look. I enjoyed it probably more than I was meant to, but I wish we got to see more. Maybe it was a little unrealistic to expect it, but considering how much of the story depends on their relationship with each other, was it really?

Another thing I was hoping for was more backstory for Minoth. I wanted to know if he knew Malos (which was actually answered though, so that was nice) since they shared a driver, and I really wanted to know how he ended up becoming a flesh eater. Judicium was already destroyed by the time TTGC rolled around and we barely went into what a flesh eater even was, so that was lame. That said though, the game did go into his relationship with Amalthus and it told us all that was really important, on top of giving us some other stuff I wasn’t expecting (a North American wild west motif, Spanish, a weapon deadass called “gunknife”, and Elma’s specials except more stylized) so you certainly won’t hear me complaining. I loved what we got with Minoth even if it wasn’t exactly what I wanted, and I think he’s great. 

Another thing that I was expecting was for Malos to have more screentime. He was heavily advertised so I think I’m justified in expecting this. There wasn’t necessarily anything about Malos I wanted expanded upon, I just wanted to see him more since he makes everything about a billion times more entertaining just by being there. He completely stole the show in every cutscene he was in and I loved every second of it. He was kicking everyone’s asses in his first boss fight and even won, but I was loving his script, animation, and voice acting far too much to care. 

there was a nice little detail to his animation too

After he punches the ground for the Monado Cyclone(?), you can see him shaking his hand off because like damn, that probably hurt. ,,,I just liked it. Don’t ask me why. 

He’s probably the main reason I only play in English to be honest. His voice actor sells the script and character so perfectly. I seriously don’t know if I’d like Malos as much as I do if he was played by someone else. He might be the only Xenoblade character other than maybe Shulk and Lin that I can say this about. 

OH

and his monologue to the party right after his first boss fight where he says “they see the divine flame of life and piss all over it” while sauntering away was actually the best scene in the game. We didn’t see as much of Malos as I would have wanted, but every scene we did get was the best so like with Minoth, I can’t complain. I love this man. He’s the most entertaining sack of shit I’ve ever had the pleasure of enjoying.

My ruined expectations and Malos aside, what the game actually gave us was so good, I can’t even complain about the things I wanted to see because they gave us plenty of stuff I didn’t know I wanted. The two biggest ones, for me anyway, are Mythra and Addam.

I had no idea that TTGC would flesh her out the way they did, and I am not disappointed. Mythra was amazing in TTGC, and really made me appreciate her and her character arc in the base game a lot more. I loved how generally unbearable and unlikable they made her. She’s completely self-absorbed and full of herself, and just overall extremely similar to Malos. The way the game handles her attitude was really well done too. Because the other characters are constantly calling her out for her bad behavior (esp. Jin and Brighid. Lora chips in too sometimes) and lack of awareness on top of being the verbal punching bag and the butt of a lot of the jokes in the game, she’s not obnoxious to the player. She could have been really annoying, but she wasn’t. On the topic of the jokes though, I laughed at more of TTGC’s comedy. They relied less on anime tropes and were more character focused, which are usually the jokes I like more. The game felt a lot more like XC1 in that aspect, and that was really great.

Moving on, I loved Addam. He was my favorite character in the game. Making him act like Mythra’s dad was something I wasn’t expecting and I loved it. I have a pretty big post in my drafts where I talk about him extensively so that should go up at some point. It’s mostly about how he’s a really good foil to Rex and how he failed as a driver rather than about his pretty fabulous dynamic with Mythra (even if he ended up rejecting her as his blade, he did accept her as person for him to take care of, and he did everything he could in that area) though. Oh, and because there’s no way to shoehorn this in that Addam post, I want to bring something up. I don’t know if there’s any good footage of this (if there is, please send it to me so I can edit it in), but there’s a post battle conversation between Mythra and Lora that goes kind of like this:

Mythra: “Hey, Lora, what do you do when the going gets tough?”

Lora: “Just think about the people I care about.”

Mythra: “Think of loved ones, huh?”

Lora: “Yeah. If I do that, I’m usually grinning like an idiot.”

Now, let’s look at Mythra when she’s at one of her lowest. She’s scared and feels alone. Malos is attacking her with everything he’s got, and she’s is looking for anything to hold on to. ...You see where I’m going with this.

She flashes to memories of her friends, and thinks of both Addam and Milton specifically. The thing is though, for all she knows, Milton could be dead from Malos’s initial attack, and Addam is doing everything he can to hold her back from fully transforming into Pneuma because of his distrust and fear of her. Mythra trying to think of all her loved ones wasn’t enough, and then all she got was a confusing vision of a person she’d never met before. She’s completely alone, confused, and hurt, and she doesn’t have anything there to ground her. That’s when she breaks down in tears, and then starts sinking Torna in a daze because she can’t control her power. 

...on a more positive note, two of the visions she gets of Rex is of him accepting her in chapter 7. 

So that was finding comfort in a loved one, but it was just too soon. Like Jin told her, her true driver and real time to come as her own as a person wasn’t in Torna. It certainly didn’t help at the time, though.

At that point in chapter 7, she was in a similarly low state as she was in TTGC, except she had Rex that time, and then was fully able to achieve her full power as an Aegis. It should be noted Mythra’s “I just...want...to save...” line was apparently horribly translated, and the original was more along the lines of her begging for someone to save her. That’s what I hear anyway and I can believe it. It makes more sense that way. 

Good God, was this a great expansion. It was already pretty fantastic with just its setting and premise alone, but it does an even better job in making me appreciate a lot of the scenes in XC2. Even the already-amazing scene in chapter 7. sPEAKING OF ALREADY AMAZING SCENES MADE BETTER BY TTGC

Rex: “I don’t even know what I’m doing here anymore... Did...did I go wrong somewhere...?”

This is one of my favorite Mythra scenes in the entire game, TTGC included. It’s so small but it’s so good. I don’t think I even need to explain why this is made better by TTGC. 

XC2 is very loud, and unabashedly anime, but it has quiet scenes like this and dammit, are they the best parts of the game. I think they’re even made better by the fact XC2′s tone is generally so upbeat and anime.

I said this before, but TTGC didn’t tell us anything new. We already knew pretty much all of the events of the game before it came out. Maybe we were missing a few details, but in the end, we knew how things were going to go down. Mythra becoming a much more interesting character because of the expansion pass just by being able to see her growth just shows how important the “show, don’t tell” rule is. 

I love Haze a lot. I hate how she’s a third wheel in Team Lora, I hate how Addam and Jin are the only people who really pay any attention to her, and I hate even more that no one hugs her when she’s crying at the end of the game.

oh yeah, Lora and Jin were the main characters. They weren’t very interesting to me (Lora barely had an arc and all of Jin’s intricacies mostly come from the base game) so I don’t have a lot to say about them other than I really liked them. The ending would have completely broke me if the game forced me to watch Lora die so I don’t even care that it was left out. 

People consider the lyrics of “A Moment of Eternity” a message from Lora to Jin but I like to pretend that it’s Addam to Mythra because it’s less depressing that way. The singer is encouraging their loved one to find someone to help them move on and if it was to Jin, that meant that Lora’s last wish for him never happened. He met Malos and then

R

E

G

R

E

S

S

E

D

but seriously though, it could be both. The song ties in pretty well to “One Last You”, and that was very obviously from Pneuma about Rex. It was probably supposed to be up to interpretation anyway. ...a little off-topic, but there’s a line in the song that goes “time flowed differently for us/not to say it was all bad” and then there’s a scene where Addam talks about how he doesn’t have enough time to adapt to Mythra so...idk, maybe that’s something? I mean, Lora got 17 years with Jin, so she didn’t exactly have the short one year Addam had with Mythra.

i’m done now. 

Half of this was me gushing about Mythra. I don’t even care because I loved her. Please forgive any of the obvious signs that I didn’t spend very long proofreading this thanks--

[penitentprodigy]

16, 18, 10, 22, 24, 26 for the writing meme

writing asks! | @dancersofdestiny

10. Pick a writer to co-write a book with and tell us what you’d write about.

as i’ve said for 80 years i’ve read like 4 whole books in my entire lifetime and i really hate reading lsifohg by that i mean the process of starting it. i do love to read but it’s so hard for me to start reading. bc of that i really don’t know many authors but i’ll have to choose n.eil g.aiman. i absolutely love his writing style. he doesn’t use overly flowery language and he actually writes fairly simply but he’s able to convey so much. he can paint such a clear image in your head and i deeply admire that. being able to write a book with him would be a huge honor.

16. Where do you take your motivation from?

i think my motivation mainly comes from music! if i’m stuck on a reply or don’t know what scenario to write i’ll tend to zone out and listen to some music. sometimes i’ll lie down while i do it and i’ll pick a certain playlist. like if i’m wanting to write something sad i’ll listen to my playlist full of somber music or if i’m wanting to write something tense i’ll listen to my playlist of unsettling music and so on. overall listening to music and daydreaming about the scenario in my head will give me motivation to write.

18. What’s your revision or rewriting process like?

i don’t think i can really answer this bc i don’t write my own personal stories and i also just don’t revise a lot in general. even if i don’t write a full reply to something in one sitting i’ll chip away at it in multiple sessions so there isn’t too much rewriting involved since i take my time. but i guess whenever i do rewrite i’d say i maybe do it once or twice??

22. How many drafts do you need until you’re satisfied and a project is ultimately done for you?

again i don’t think i can really answer for the same reason. i also stopped writing fics a few years ago so i haven’t had a “project” in a hot minute. i do write drabbles occasionally though! drabbles tend to take me a little while since i really try to go all out and get so immersed when i write them. i don’t tend to have drafts for them either i just kind of go for it omg i think my “version” of drafts is playing out scenarios in my head beforehand. i’ll imagine certain scenes and when i feel like i have a good idea for the scenario that i’m excited for then i’ll start writing.

24. Poetry or prose, and why?

i really do love poetry but personally speaking i would say prose. it’s what i write and even though i get a little flowery with my writing sometimes i still want to keep it simple. i don’t want every sentence i write to be romanticized or feel like i’m trying too hard to make everything sound elegant. i don’t want to over-complicate my writing either like i don’t want to take 3 whole sentences to describe haruka picking up his tea cup or something lioshfs

26. Standalone or series, and why?

OOF this is rough bc i really enjoy both. but also this question has me thinking in terms of television/movies rather than writing since i’m as much into watching things as i am into writing things. for example i think three seasons of a tv show is a good length. but in other cases i feel that some shows should only be one season. it really all depends.

when it comes down to it though i think i have to say standalone. if only for the fact that so often when something continues on for too long it ends up becoming bad. sometimes not bad but it loses the charm that it had. it just isn’t as good as it was when it started and even though nobody wants something to end sometimes it really is for the best esp so that it doesn’t get ruined by dragging on for too long.

BONUS!!! bc i said i was in the mood to offer writing advice so here we go lmao but one of the things i struggled with for the longest time when i first started writing in general was run-on sentences. that includes cramming dialogue together and it’s so so important to remember to make new paragraphs for every line of dialogue! i’ll give an example!

“Haruka-sama, are you ready to leave?” Hikojuuro asks, his rough voice lacking any sense of urgency. “Yes. I just need one more moment.” Haruka replies, his gaze focused intently on the document laid out in front him.

that’s how i used to write dialogue/character interactions in my fics and from everything i’ve seen it’s incorrect. it honestly looks really messy too and it easily makes it confusing to tell who is speaking. the correct way to write it would be like this:

“Haruka-sama, are you ready to leave?” Hikojuuro asks, his rough voice lacking any sense of urgency.

“Yes. I just need one more moment.” Haruka replies, his gaze focused intently on the document laid out in front him.

to be fair i think this is a common mistake that most often happens with younger writers which was my case. i wrote that way when i was 14-15 and when i really didn’t have writing experience so i simply didn’t know. separating the lines of dialogue whenever it’s multiple people speaking was one of the first things that i learned and i think it’s always really important to know! esp for young writers who are just starting out!

[deitiesofduat]

DEITIES Updates 5/7/17

Heyyyy everyone~ It's been a while since one of these update, hasn't it... oTL

I've been meaning to write a proper update for the DEITIES blog this month, and while I had mentioned some of what I've been up to in this last ask reply, I'll try to expand on the more relevant topics here!

Most information will be under the cut, but TL;DR this update will cover the (almost) end of my semi-hiatus; progress with the main and prelude stories of DEITIES; plans for Worldbuilding June 2017; the upcoming Patreon for DEITIES and my other artwork; and other updates and plans for DEITIES Project and the blog.

END OF SEMI-HIATUS (N-not yet, but soon…)

As the post regarding the semi-hiatus had mentioned, I hadn't planned to end it any earlier than the end of May / beginning of June. And with all that's been happening the past few months, I think it'll be best for me to stick to that initial estimate. Once I finish the bulk of my obligations this month it'll be a little easier to breath and return focus to my artwork and DEITIES progress, and with keeping the blog a bit more active.

Having said that, I'll admit that taking this hiatus was probably a good call. I've missed updating the blog, but it helped that I took time away from it without fretting over staying active. I was able to revisit other personal artwork and interests, had time to handle some personal struggles, and have been making some necessary (but positive??) adjustments to different areas of my life, both online and offline.

While I'm still figuring things out, I'm feeling more at ease and I'm in a better place than I had been 3 months ago. And I thank everyone for being patient and bearing with my MIA-ness during this time.

As for DEITIES, my motivation to continue working on it hasn't diminished; in fact I'm feeling more energized to work on sharing updates with it soon. But I have been using time to reflect on how to keep everyone updated and engaged with the project, while simultaneously focusing on creating the comic for the main story -- both of which I enjoy, but also each take a lot of time and attention as an independent creator. Which bring me to the following updates:

MAIN STORY + PRELUDE PROGRESS

Even tho I hadn't had much art to share on the blog during the semi-hiatus, I did keep to my goal of making significant progress on  drafting the story for DEITIES, albeit not in the way I expected. Before the hiatus, I was at about the halfway point with the main story, and when I went back to revisit it, I realized I needed to adjust my approach. So I spent some time re-formatting my longer synopses into more digestible outlines -- something that seems more intuitive in hindsight, but that I had never really learned or practiced, before.

While doing so, I was able to make a few changes to the storyline and even figured out how to fix a few roadblocks / potential plot holes I was stumped on -- at least, so far. I even managed to draft out the ending chapters of the story -- which would be SUPER EXCITING if I still didn't need to work my way thru the remainder of the middle so the plot makes sense o)----< But at this point, I can say that the story's draft is about… 3/4th done?? And if I can keep up my momentum I can hopefully finish it this summer, if not sooner.

As for the prelude -- for those just tuning in, DEITIES has a prelude comic in the works -- a way for me to practice the process of creating a shorter comic before diving into the larger one. Unlike the main story, the prelude's first draft IS more or less completed, but it needs heavy revision, esp with the changes I've made to the main story. It'll get worked on soon tho, and hopefully I can start moving to thumb-nailing, and then page-making, soon!

WORLDBUILDING JUNE 2017

Yep, it's nearly that time of again~ My run from last year's Worldbuilding June was one of my more productive months in 2016 for sharing written and drawn worldbuilding notes for DEITIES verse. I'm hoping I can do it again this year, not only to complete some long-overdue notes, but to also update older notes and complete some missing/placeholder artwork -- even redraw a few of them if I find the drive and time!

For now, I want to complete at least two new sets of written notes -- “Divine Regalia and Weapons,” and “The Was Scepter” --  and all artwork that comes with it, but if I can get to more notes and artwork in that time, I'll do so! It'll depend on how much free time I can afford while I work on another large project in June -- one that I’ve considered for quite some time, but that I've finally decided was worth starting...

UPCOMING PATREON (~JUNE 2017)

Guess I might as well share this too haha >> The idea of starting a Patreon to help support my work on DEITIES has been on my mind for a while, but I wanted to wait until I had the project well established first, and had gathered enough interest. I also wanted to be sure I had the means and time to offer decent incentives to those willing to become a patron, as a thank you for the extra support.

During my hiatus, I had time to revisit the idea, as well as observe other creators launch their campaigns and watch how they managed their patreons. I eventually realized it would be more ideal to start my own patreon campaign sooner rather than later, so I'd have the time to practice and learn the interface. And by supplementing my art with a bit monetary support, I'd be able to more easily prioritize time to work on my general art and DEITIES Project.

For anyone who's concerned about missing out on things because you’re unable to make a pledge at this time, please don't fret! I've never obligated anyone to make donations to DEITIES Project, nor will I require donations to view artwork that I already share. Patreon will simply be a way to allow supporters to enjoy a few extra perks, including but not limited to: early access to viewing my art (and eventually, comic pages from DEITIES); WIPS and progress shots of said artwork; and some visual and written notes for the story that I normally don't post online! There will also be some milestone I'll set that will not only unlock more rewards and tiers, but also allow me to provide more art and content online, for everyone to enjoy!

This pitch is very simplified from the one I'm working on for patreon, but I'll save the details for later this month / beginning of June -- which will be more than likely when the patreon will "soft launch" for the first few months as I restore activity to the blog during Worldbuilding June (meaning, patrons will get to see artwork and notes early as I work on them o)9). Once it goes live, I hope you'll all consider pledging early to help support me and the project, and with spreading the word, which will be greatly appreciated!

OTHER UPDATES 

It's been a while since I've mentioned it on the blog, but the DEITIES Spotify has had some playlists updated with new songs -- though you may have to look thru the tracklists to see which ones they are >> Off the top of my head, Set's Masterlist and the Set & Sobek Masterlist have been updated with some notable tracks, with the other playlists adding new tracks here and there.

I also still have about 3 other playlist in the work, I've just lacked time to makes decent covers for them. That, and one… well actually maybe 2 of the upcoming playlists also veers into nsfw-ish territory (lyrics-wise, not the cover lmaosdjflksdf), so I'll be sure to mark it and mention it as a heads up. But as a comparison, if you can comfortably listen to the two aforementioned playlists above, these next ones should be fine~ Just use headphones--

Meanwhile, updates on the DEITIES Instagram have slowed a bit, as I work on drafting the story and the patreon, but they will resume once I kick myself to draw more pencil sketches in general. Chances are some pencil sketches will be shared on IG after I share the finished artwork on patreon and the blog, but they’ll still remain available for all followers to view.

Annnnnnnnd I think I’ve covered the bulk of things? From now until the end of my hiatus, I’ll continue building the patreon, drafting more of the story, and prepping for Worldbuilding June, as well as making a few tweaks to the blog here and there. As usual, the DEITIES Askbox is still open for any general questions or comments about the blog, characters, or story.

Until then, thanks again to everyone for your interest in this project and your patience with my absence (and with skimming this update haha) -- I can’t wait to return with more progress on DEITIES Project soon!

[aroberuka]

Evens for writers ask meme?

2. Where is yourfavourite place to write?

Either the kitchen table, which is the perfect height for my laptop & the only place in the house that gets sunlight in the morning, or my bed tbh.

4. Do you have anywriting habits/rituals?

Not writing habits so to speak but I do have a getting ready to write ritual that mostly consists of dragging myself out of bed and going for a walk.

6. Favourite characteryou’ve written?

Mouse!Surana, hands down. I kinda just made her on the spot for that one oneshot and as a result she ended up radically different from my usual OCs (they’re not usually this… driven xD), which made her such a blast to write.

8. Do you have anywriting buddies or critique partners?

@coppercaravan​ has been both for a little bit over a year and they’re such a pleasure to work with tbh.

10. Pick an author (orwriting friend) to co-write a book with

1) @coppercaravan we should stick our OCs together and see what happens, y/y?

2) That being said it’s super easy to get me to write with you literally all you have to do is drop into my inbox like “hey we should write a thing” and be very patient with my spoonie ass.

12. Which story ofyours do you like best? why?

Honestly it’s the quasiplatonic solavellan fic. I love Tathas, I put a lot of work and also a lot of me into it, I have a lot of thoughts about what’s coming next and I really wish I could finish it already esp since it wouldn’t be that long (like. 8-10 chapters tops, not counting a potential Trespasser sequel) but I haven’t been able to get in a DAI mood for forever x_x

14. What does it takefor you to be ready to write a book? (i.e. do you research? outline? make a playlist or pinterest board? wing it?)

Ideally I’d need the stars to align perfectly on a week with two Mondays, but more realistically what I need is:

-a playlist, or at least a couple artists that’ll put me in the right mood

-character sheets with some basic info + relationship charts + their stake in the plot

-a rough chapter by chapter plan that will inevitably fly out the window by the time I finish chapter 1.

16. Cover love/dreamcovers?

Not really, no.

18. Tell us about thatone book you’ll never let anyone read

So back in January there was that self-insert month thing, and I figured why the hell not, but b/c I’m apparently unable to write self-indulgent fluff and also I was in a Mood it turned into a writing as therapy thing and now I don’t know what to do with it b/c on the one hand I do want to write it & I think it would help me deal with some stuff but on the other idk that I would ever be able to let anyone read it, let alone post it online.

20. Any advice foryoung writers/advice you wish someone would have given you early on?

Length is overrated, short chapters are fine and the only good piece of writing advice is that there is no such thing as universal writing advice.

22. Tell us about thebooks on your “to write” list

… I’m not gonna give you a full list b/c it would be ridiculous but the ones that are on my brain atm are:

-- Présages aka The Novel aka that one story about ghosts that turned into a story about the importance of healthy communication & a good support system.

-- A novella about an aromantic protag that was supposed to be a subplot of the previous but is now its own thing so I can give it the attention it deserves.

-- A fantasy novel that started with me listening to too much critical role and is basically a thinly disguised metaphor for fighting against depression.

(All of them are depression books tbh and I’m not even a little bit sorry.)

And then there’s the fics:

-- A post Akuze longshot feat. Leo, grief and politics.

-- A Leverage/HP crossover feat. pre-canon Eliot, wizards and poor attempts at dragon smuggling.

-- A CCS/Naruto crossover that I’ll probably never write tbh b/c the sheer size of it is terrifying to me, but I like to dust it off every other month anyway b/c I put a lot of thought into it.

24. Do you remember themoment you decided to become a writer/author?

I don’t remember the moment I started to write – that was a long long time ago – but the moment I decided to become a writer I’m pretty sure was when I read The Princess Bride, b/c I very distinctly remember closing the book and going “I wish I’d written that”.

26. What’s the mostresearch you’ve ever put into a book?

It’s kinda hard to tell tbh b/c my research, like everything else, tends to be scattered in short bursts over months/years, but my most recent research-heavy project has been the Leverage/HP crossover, which has led me to a lot of reading on poaching/smuggling as I tried to figure out how one would go about smuggling a dragon.

Turns out there’s no actual book on dragon smuggling but I ended up learning a lot about butterfly smuggling, which as it turns out is

1)a thing

2)very serious business.

28. How do you stayfocused on your own work and how do you deal with comparison?

I don’t. I don’t stay focused on anything, ever. I also deal very poorly with comparison even tho the only one doing the comparing is my own self.

30. Do you like to readbooks similar to your project while you’re drafting or do you stick to non-fiction/un-similar works?

I do! I find it very helpful esp. when I’m writing in a genre/style I’m not used to. I try to avoid it with fanfiction tho so as to avoid accidentally absorbing other people’s headcanons into my own work.

32. On average how muchdo you write in a day? do you have trouble staying focused/gettingthe word count in?

Tbh I usually count in ‘pages’ (quote/unquote b/c I’m using my own format which is considerably shorter than what you probably think of when you hear ‘page’), and I’m trying to get myself to two pages a day for The Novel but I’m considerably slower when I’m not writing in French b/c language is hard.

34. Unpopular writingthoughts/opinions?

-- Character death is overrated.

-- The idea that conflict is necessary to tell a good story is highly subjective and even if it wasn’t a good conflict shouldn’t just boil down to ‘characters being horrible (or downright abusive) to each other’/‘characters being forced to commit or witness atrocities’ over and over again.

-- Romance is boring and so is smut.

-- Young/aspiring writers need positive feedback way, way more than criticism, constructive or not; constructive criticism overall is overrated (which isn’t to say that it’s never useful but like it’s not The One True Way For A Writer To Improve that a lot of ppl try to sell it as).

36. Post a snippet

She’s always been lucky is the thing.

Lucky to find the Reds when she needed them, lucky to lose them when she no longer did, lucky to get caught by the right people at the right time, lucky to be offered military service instead of prison, lucky that Anderson had seen something in her no-one else ever had.

Lucky to survive doesn’t feel so special.

38. How do you nailvoice in your books?

Honestly that is one thing that comes p much naturally to me? Like whenever I write in a character’s voice I can usually ‘hear’ what I’m writing so to speak, which makes things considerably easier tbh.

40. Do you look up toany of your writer buddies?

What kind of question is that I look up to all of y'all??? I’m not even kidding here y’all are amazing and talented and I’m so thrilled I got to meet all of you?

42. How many drafts doyou usually write before you feel satisfied?

I’d say 2-3 though it’s kinda hard to tell b/c I don’t strictly speaking work in full drafts, I tend to go back and forth between paragraphs instead.

44. Why (and when) didyou decide to become a writer?

I must have been like 16 or something. Hell if I remember why except I love stories and it seemed like a good idea at the time?

46. Past or presenttense?

I actually prefer past tense despite my current inability to write it (idk why all my fic end up being present tense but I suspect English).

48. Do you prefer towrite skimpy drafts and flesh them out later, or write too much and cut it back?

I mean most of my fics are already under 500 words long can you imagine if I actually cut stuff from them? :p

50. Do you share yourrough drafts or do you wait until everything is all polished?

I tend to wait until everything is polished but also, again, it’s super easy to get me to share rough drafts or even outlines with you b/c I am weak and crave validation.

52. Who do you writefor?

Me. Always.

Like listen the fact is actually talking openly & honestly about personal stuff even to people who have been there for me in the past is literally the hardest thing for me to do and I got so damn good at avoiding it I don’t even have to think before I do it anymore, and sometimes it feels like writing is the only way I can actually properly communicate anymore. So yeah I’d be lying if I said I didn’t care about ppl loving what I write but it will always be first and foremost something I do for myself.

54. Favourite firstline/opening you’ve written?

already answered here