#erm anyways i am dropping ice cream fool shirts. i need to think of a name for then

[wigglygoblin]

having to do marketing (as a new thing i want to do on purpose) for the shirts i made is HARD. what do you mean i have to put thought into this

[early-sxnsets]

Guess I’m Clueless

Archive Link: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18320510

Word Count: 1906

Summary: Baz wakes up in the most horrendously terrifying world imaginable--one where he's somehow straight. Or, at least, that's what Penny and Simon try to convince him.

Note: happy april fools everyone!!! thank you to everyone who did my survey, and i hope you enjoy this silly lil fic!

“Good morning, sweet pea.”

My first thought as I wake up is “Why is it so cold in here?”, followed by “Wait, is that Bunce's voice?”, with a close third of “Why the ever living fuck is Bunce calling me sweet pea?!” This, of course, lasts the course of a few seconds before my eyes flick open to see none other than Penelope Bunce lounging in bed beside me. She's in full pajamas, and so am I, but I don't recall a slumber party.

“Where's Snow?” I demand, borderline pouting.

“Why would Simon be in our bed, silly?”

Automatically, I snort in her face. “Okay. Really funny, truly is. I'm in hysterics. Now, tell me where'd he go?”

She looks exaggeratedly stunned, jaw falling open as her hair falls into her face. “Baz… are you okay?” Her hand falls onto my cheek, and it takes all the impulse control in my body to not smack it off. Instead, I wrap my index and thumb around her wrist and pluck it away from my skin, watching it drop back onto the bed.

“He must think he's a goddamn trickster,” I grumble, throwing off the sheets and standing myself up. Replacing his picture frames of us is various pictures of Bunce. Well, all but the one of me at graduation. That one's still in its frame, sat up on the dresser.

Bunce doesn't follow me as I stalk into the hall, partially half asleep but still not in the mood for whatever this prank is. To my relief, Simon's stood up against the stove, shoveling spoonfuls of half-soggy frosted corn flakes into his mouth. He barely acknowledges me, just jutting his chin up to my general direction.

“Okay, fine. Haha. It's hilarious, dear. Now drop the act.”

He turns to me, eyebrows narrowed as he frowns. “What the fuck are you going on about?”

“Bunce? In the bed?”

He blinks at me slowly, and I swear I could slap the bowl out of his hands, then kiss his smug look goodbye. “You mean, you and Penny in your shared bed?”

Reeling at the possibility of me being heterosexual, I look back at the hallway then at him. “You can't be serious, Snow. Really? It isn't even clever.”

He does that I'm-Mocking-Your-Eyebrow-Lift-But-I-Can't-Do-It-Right-So-It-Looks-Like-I'm-Having-A-Stroke thing before lifting the milk to his lips, sipping it away. “Look, mate, I don't know what's going on in your relationship, and I support Penny or whatever, but leave me out of it.”

At this point, I don't even know what's a joke or not. Did I hit my head and imagine my entire life? Or wake up in a different dimension?

Or, better yet, is this the absolute worst nightmare possible--one where I'm straight?

I'm too stunned to move, even when Bunce walks into the kitchen and runs her hand over my forearm. “Shouldn't you be getting ready?” She hums cheerfully. Where the fuck is Micah?! “You have classes in half an hour, babe.”

I swear to Merlin, if this is how Bunce genuinely is in relationships, then I give my condolences to the American. “I… yes. I do.” This is fucking weird.

They both stare at me, looking a bit crosseyed in confusion as I must look equally as so, shaking my head and stomping back to the bedroom--Simon's bedroom.

Searching through the drawers, I see that my clothes are where I left them, but all of Snow's wears are replaced by Bunce's. Whatever I'm missing here is absolutely bloody baffling.

As I'm buttoning up my shirt, I take closer notice to my surroundings. Perfume bottles next to my cologne. An actual hairbrush (Snow likes to say that his fingers work just fine, “Thank you very much”). The bedside that Snow usually sleeps on is occupied by an actual book now, instead of the usual gag coffee table flip through.

Dare I say it's neater too. I'll need to give Snow a mouthful of how easy it would be to pick up after himself--wait what the ever living fuck is going on?

I still look the same in the mirror, and everyone else seems visually equal to how I last saw them. Even Snow's wings are to their usual state, as well as the tail that brushes the floor.

When I'm back in the hallway, messenger bag over my shoulder, I take a second to look around the flat. It's all the same, except Snow's belongings are strewn about what was Bunce's room haphazardly. It's not unexpected to see them so jumbled, yet still a tad excessive.

They're both sitting in the living room as I step in, glancing up at me together as I squint at them. “Okay…” I say slowly, testing their reactions. “Bye… love?”

Bunce smiles at me, her eyes closing as she sing-speaks back. “See you for lunch, darling.” I want to gag.

I look at Snow one last time, squinting more aggressively and waving a hand slightly. He doesn't react--like I'm barely there. I sigh exasperatedly before heading off, walking to class with my earbuds in. This… is awful.

On the walk, I try to think of the catalyst to this. It was a typical evening last night. End of March, but relatively nice. Actually, so nice that Snow and I went on a walk, and stopped for ice cream on the way back. We shared a strawberry scoop.

I grab my wallet from my bag, pulling out the receipt and there it is--strawberry ice cream. Which would be strange, given Bunce loathes strawberry ice cream.

Or maybe she doesn't in this alternate universe? Oh Crowley, I'm giving myself a headache. I hope ibuprofen still exists in this world.

What else happened? We got home, then we went to bed. That's all. That is all. Nothing that would warrant a life change--no sacrificial ceremony (neither of us are virgins now, anyway), no killing our headmaster. Just us sharing a bed.

Strange.

Nothing seems out of the ordinary when I get to class either. It's the usual lecture, and I'm out by 11. I suppose it's time to get lunch with Bunce, now. In fact, I don't even have to check my mobile, as she's standing outside the building waiting for me beside a seemingly unamused Snow. Whatever act this is, it proves neither of them should try out for the theatre.

Bunce wraps her arm around mine, and I impulsively jerk away. She frowns until I feel too guilty to not let her, keeping a good distance while she holds. “How was class, sweetheart?”

Fucking hell. “Erm… okay…” I say slowly, trying to get a good eyeful of Snow. He's face-forward, locked ahead as we stroll towards the usual sandwich shop. “As it is everyday, I suppose.”

Bunce's other hand rests on my arm as well, making my face go sour. Dear Merlin, I'm sorry for what I've done to deserve this hell on Earth.

She thankfully breaks away at the shop, leaving enough room for me to slide in next to Snow. He gives me an odd once over, then straightens his shoulders and looks back ahead. That bastard.

After we order and sit, an awkward silence washes over us. I sort of stare down at my meal, hand resting casually over my face.

“Afternoon plans for you two?” Snow asks gruffly, picking at his chips. Maybe I'll fuck with him.

Oh, I’ll definitely fuck with him. “Perhaps I'll get a tramp stamp in the shape of Sweden,” I shrug. “Or maybe I'll just go drain the Queen.”

He doesn't bat an eye, which sends me pouting.

Bunce shrugs her shoulders. “Whatever Bazzy wants, I want too.”

“Oh for Merlin's sake!” I snap, hands flying up as I gawk forward at the empty space in front of me.

They both turn to me, Bunce frowning and Snow looking a tad amused before he wipes it off with an almost confusion.

“What's gotten into you, mate?” He asks.

“Are you okay, love?” Bunce adds.

For a full few seconds, I just stare forward, blinking blankly as I wear a distressed-bordering shock on my face. “Aleister Crowley, what the fuck is going on,” I mumble, exhaling slowly. I don't even pay attention to them, closing my eyes as I breathe.

I swear I hear snickering, but as my eyes flutter back open, they're silent.

I pick at my food, then wrap it back up in the bag I got it in. That's it. Not hungry anymore. “I'm going to class,” I mumble, picking up and going without another word. This day is a nightmare come alive.

I get there about 20 minutes early, sitting in my seat and staring blankly at the wall. I just want someone to tell me I don't have to snog Bunce.

Okay, I want that and to have my boyfriend back, but the former is at the forefront of my mind.

I space out for most of class, and the walk back isn't much better. I plug back into my music and check my phone for what feels like the first time today.

Actually, I think it is the first time today, given I'm just seeing the date now. “Oh those little pricks,” I say aloud, sliding my mobile back into my pocket and taking the walk at twice my usual speed.

After climbing the stairs two at a time, I practically slam the front door open, making Snow jump in his spot on the couch. “You little…”

He looks innocent, a tiny smile creeping onto his cheeks. “Morgana, what's got you in a huff?” He says, raising his hands up. I take off my bag, tossing it onto the armchair as I cross my arms.

“Really? April fucking fools?”

He starts grinning, then laughing, staring up at me as I fume.

“Oh fuck you, you spineless little bastard. Wasn't even funny.”

“You should've seen yourself today!” He wheezes, face in full smile as he scoots over to let me beside him. “Fucking hell, your face at lunch!”

“That was awful,” I grumble, aggressively flopping down beside him while immediately latching onto him, circling his waist with my arms as I tug him close. I just need a proper hug.

“In our defense,” he add, starting to come down from his amusement, “we thought you'd see the date much earlier. When you didn't say anything this morning, Penn and I figured we'd let it go on for as long as we could.”

My face buries into his shoulder, nose scrunching as I feel his arms loop around me, holding me closer. I should be pissed, and deep down I am, but Crowley, I don't want to let go. “You're a little prick and I hope you know that.” I inhale slowly, squeezing my eyes shut. “You really are awful, and I hate you with every fiber of my being.”

“Oh yeah?” He teases, smiling. “Prove it.”

I pull back carefully, wrinkling my nose at him before quickly pressing a kiss to his lips. His hands slide down, holding my hips even as I pull back.

“You're the worst human I've ever met,” I continue. He leans back in for a kiss. I let him, pouting against his lips and speaking once we break again. “Absolute travesty that I have to put up with you.”

“Oh yeah, baby, talk dirty to me,” he teases, smirking as I grab his face and go to snog him breathless.