#episode: reading is fundimental

[17yearslatewithlattes]

After watching Fresh Blood, I made this post reading Dean being the one to kill the newly turned vampire as a deliberate choice to stain (in his eyes) his doomed soul with the act so that Sam wouldn't have to.

I also considered a darker read. There was something about how the moment played out that reminded me of the unspoken assumption in Wendigo that if one of them was going to play bait, it would be Dean. It made me wonder if this moment was less an expression of Dean's particular dispair in light of the demon deal, and more a long-established pattern—one more way he regularly disposes of himself to protect Sam. A pattern so ingrained that Sam never thinks to question it.

The nagging thought solidified into a theory in Malleus Maleficarum, when Sam admits that he is intentionally hardening himself, becoming more callous so he can survive without Dean. And, crucially, that he sees hardening himself as becoming 'like Dean'.

It struck me as an odd mix of growth and ongoing blindness to who Dean is. Not to refrence Bugs of all episodes, but at the time I'd argued that Sam's idealism had survived that long through Dean's protection, and that Sam didn't recognize this. Sam saying now that he'd need to become callous to survive without Dean is a tacit acknowledgement that there are soft parts of himself that have only survived through Dean's protection. But saying that doing this makes him like Dean suggests that he has mistaken Dean's protection for callousness.

I would contend that to some degree, Dean sees himself as a sort of 'sin eater' for Sam. He takes the dark neccessary actions so Sam doesn't have to. So Sam can stay 'clean'. And look, I find the whole 'sin eater' idea pretty abhorrent; it seems to me that when applied to human actions (ie when its not referencing a mythical creature), it is used primarily as a justifiction for henious acts of the 'ends justify the means' variety. So I think it's worth pointing out that insofar as Dean sees himself as taking on the sin eater role, its via being the one of the two to take an action they were going to take regardless, rather than using it to justify heneious acts. In fact, in Jus in Bello and Time is on my Side, Dean shows that at least at this stage, he less inclined to let ends justify means than Sam is.

Which is to say: I would argue that Sam is looking at certain actions of Dean's that are motivated by love, and seeing cruelty. It's a little heartbreaking for Sam to misunderstand Dean so fundimentally, even now. And it worries me—motive doesn't change harm done to the victim, but it may make a difference to the aggressor. And if Sam tries to make himself more like Dean by cultivating cruelty instead of love—it may not bode well for him.

[lavenderprose]

On a related note, and not to beat a dead horse, but I'm not entirely sure why vast portions of this fandom refuse to understand that Izzy and Ed have spent the last however many years actively feeding each other's darkness to the point where for a long time, neither of them could see their way out of it. Ed has obviously spent a great deal of at least their recent history visibly unhappy, having what are pretty clearly (to me at least; I can understand others may have a different read on this) cyclical manic and depressive episodes. Izzy has clearly spent a great deal of at least their recent history just trying to keep both of their heads above water. From Izzy's point of view, Stede is another momentary obsession that Ed will have to come down hard on the other side of, and he's probably pretty tired of watching that cycle. Stede is also dangerous for a whole other reason in Izzy's mind--that being that Stede threatens the standing Izzy, himself, has in Ed's life. If Ed is well and truly done with being Blackbeard, and Izzy can't pull him back from that edge for the nth time, then Izzy doesn't know who or what he is. Blackbeard is Izzy's ENTIRE life. Blackbeard is what he and Ed created together. It's Ed's face, sure, but it's both of them. Without Blackbeard, who are they? Stede can help Ed figure it out from his end, but Izzy will just be becalmed. Completely adrift. That's where he's coming from.

Izzy tries to restrain Ed into the Blackbeard label for the same reason that Ed strains against it. Ed cannot stand his existence as Blackbeard and Izzy cannot stand his own existence without Blackbeard. But, crucially, and until Stede arrives on the scene, Ed doesn't know how to get away from Blackbeard. They're in a big, codependent mess with each other and Stede is, unfortunately, what breaks the equilibrium. Even though that equilibrium NEEDED to be broken, it doesn't make the breaking any less catastrophic.

Then Ed comes back without Stede and all Izzy can think is I TOLD YOU SO but also, y'know, let's get this show back on the road. He'll say anything to get Ed back into that Blackbeard headspace so that everything can be okay, or at least normal, again. He doesn't understand that Ed has broken in ways that can no longer be bandaged and wiped clean. He doesn't understand that he, himself, has changed fundimentally. They both REFUSE to talk to each other! They're in their own, separate spirals. I'm not entirely convinced that what Izzy says to Ed in this moment of spiral is worse than what Ed DOES to him in response. They take it out on each other.

Is it toxic and unhealthy? Oh absolutely. Is it something that they can recover from within the context of their relationship to each other? I mean, perhaps with a lot of Ye Olde Therapy and keeping in mind that OFMD is a comedy and operates on some level of cartoon logic, I'm going to say yes. They still clearly have a lot of care for each other. Izzy could and should have absolutely had a more detailed and well-rounded redemption arc, but so should Ed, honestly. There's a lot of stuff that they have to work through. They did a lot to each other.

[superwholockednico]

ew i am not liking the new weird Meg x Cas thing going on.

[borntofishforcedtowork]

monthly holy fuck why am i so pathetic wall of text rant

everyday i realize more and more how much of an absolute pathetic little worm i am. i have maybe 1 irl friend? it's weird. i havent hung out with anyone outside school since 2019 (and not because of covid i just have 0 people who want to do anything) ive been spending years spending all my free time in my basement consuming media trying and failing to learn things and trying and failing to make things. then i see people from my school and everyone actually like. having fun and doing things. and yeah ok what you see isnt whats real but i dont care if they arent having as much fun as it looks, i just want to talk to someone and have someone i know i can call a friend irl. my standards are low i dont need to find my soulmate i just want someone who i can listen to and they will listen to me in return and maybe we would take walks and eat together sometimes. the only people who i think actually enjoy my presence are people who are obligated to be nice/tolerate me (family/teachers) so i don't know if they're just tolerating me or whatever the hell. i think the reason i like war movies about comradery so much is because i like the history first of all but most importantly the COMRADERIE!! that i lack. i just found out that these four guys all of which i know from somewhere (one i was acquaintances with in 9th grade, another on the bus with me who used to chat with me a lot but a lot less now its mostly just good morning good night, another who was in my computer science class this year, another who is a friend of the 1 person who is my sort of irl friend) and also my neighbour showed up in one of the episodes?? shes nice and all. i wish i could be like that tbh, i dont really know how to interact with other peole and i try to be nice but the only way i really know to get people to like me is to do homework for them or make things for them, and when i try to talk to them i'm the most awkward autistic motherfucker youve ever seen, i think being in online school for like a year and 3/4ths messed me up lol, even before that i wasnt great at socializing but now im like. wooo. im kind of tired of being the idiot loser who spends every lunch period in the stairwell reading library books and only has people talk to me in class, when they can use me for my notes and homework. and yknow what? in a way i like it. i like having 0 social capital. i can say outlandish shit in class and argue and whatever and i lose nothing because there was nothing to lose before. two days ago i was arguing with this cryptobro in my tech class and was i worried about fucking any relationships up? no, i have none! i am so free. i can walk whatever direction i want and go wherever without worrying about what another person wants. but still, i feel like im missing out on something so fundimental with how im alone so much. at home, at school, most of the time i'm completely by myself. and right now i'm kind of tired of being lonely. i like being alone, don't get me wrong. i just wish that maybe once every week or two i had someone to have food with and talk about nothing and maybe just share facts or tidbits about things we like. i don't know man. i know very well none of this is going to change, everyone at my school already has friend groups they're in and honestly the people in my town, most of them are just not really my kind of people, no similar interests and we just don't really jive; not in a we hate each other way, just a we belong in different social groups way. i can;t wait to look back on my teenage years and remember spending every lunch in the stairs reading by myself and going home to do more shit by myself with absolutely nobody to remember funny stories with or reminisce. nothin. and even in adulthood it'll be the same. i've heard people talk about how hard it is to make friends as an adult and tbh if i've already had issues socializing for my whole life i'm just destined to die alone.

anyway gn sleep well