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showersnstudies · 3 years ago

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showersnstudies: a (re)introduction

hello hello! i wanted to take the time to write a bit of a longer introduction about me and this blog—a little reflection, a little hoping and dreaming!

some history

this actually isn’t my first time here! i created this page back in 2018, when i was still a sophomore in high school. now, nearly 3.5 years later, i’m about to enter my sophomore year of college. back then, i didn’t actually end up posting anything. then, a little over a year ago, i was about to enter my freshman year of college amidst the pandemic, and thought it would be a good idea to document the experience. the graphics, theme, etc., that i made then, that’s the iteration of this blog that i have now! however, when move-in was just around the corner, my university cancelled housing for freshmen because of covid-19 and i was forced to begin my first year of college online. of course, health and safety come first, but it was still a disappointing start to an experience i’d anticipated for so long. with that, i became very busy and focused on putting my mental health and my studies first. this blog fell to the wayside.

so how did my first year of university go?

i ended up not only spending my first quarter of freshman year online, but winter quarter as well. in the spring, i finally got to go on campus and experience a bit of campus life! it was so fun to see everything in person, although many things were closed because of the pandemic. academically, i feel like i learned so much, and took so many great classes! i met so many amazing, intelligent, talented peers and instructors. i also got involved in different student organizations. i truly feel like my mind has been opened in just the one year i’ve been in college. despite the overall positive experience, there were still a few things i wish i did differently, and of course, i would do anything to be able to have a college experience in a world without covid-19. however, since i can’t do anything about that, i’m trying to get myself to let it go and make the most of the experience i’ve been given.

and that brings me to...

sophomore year! i still have a little over 3 weeks before i move back onto campus. i have a lot of hopes and dreams for this year. the word to sum all of it up is intentionality. even though i was very happy to be on campus last spring, there was so much going on at all times and my days became very unstructured. i let classes fall to the wayside, hung out with friends until 1 am and didn’t get enough sleep, or just spent my time on my phone. i am a full supporter of taking breaks and not just spending every minute studying, but i do feel like i didn’t make the most of my time and take all the opportunities i could out of being at university! this year, i hope to maintain a better balance between my studies, my jobs, my extracurriculars, my social life and relationships, and my personal development. let’s break this down:

a) studies - last spring, i found myself often doing the bare minimum in my classes. i dislike feeling like this, because i feel like i’m wasting my time and my money. if i’m going to have to spend time in my classes anyway, i want to invest the energy into truly gleaning all the information i can and actually benefiting from the educational opportunity i’ve been given. after all, that’s what i’m at university for.

b) jobs - i had two work-study jobs last spring that i’m continuing in the fall. one of them is with the school magazine, and i find it pretty boring and sometimes frustrating (the team is overwhelmingly white, and it is very much a publicity job for the university). however, because it’s journalism-related, i want to make the most of the opportunity and take the chance to glean skills and experience from it that i can use to advance myself in the industry. my other job is a new one that i’m excited about! i’m working as part of the asian american studies program’s office at my school. i hope that with this job, i can develop my socializing and community-building skills, which i lack quite a bit of. i know this is a position that’s going to push me out of my comfort zone, so hopefully i can learn a lot from it. my goal is to build genuine connections with the other staff members, the faculty, the students, and the community members!

c) extracurriculars - at the beginning of my freshman year, i got involved in a ton of different extracurriculars. almost all of my free time would be taken up by different zoom meetings. once i was on campus, i stopped attending a lot of meetings and dropped some orgs. because i anticipate that sophomore year will not give me the same flexibility in time that i had in fall and winter quarter last year, when i was sitting alone in my bedroom at home, i want to be more intentional about what extracurriculars i participate in. there’s no way i can do every single thing, so i want to choose activities that are meaningful and/or beneficial to me. then, i want to invest actual effort into these activities, which i think will help me feel actually passionate about my work, rather than simply participating on a surface level.

d) social life and relationships - there’s kind of two aspects to this. one is with my friendships and peers. i want to be in community with those around me and develop deeper relationships with people who i share genuine mutual care with. i want to be intentional about who i want to spend time with, and then spend effort actually cultivating those relationships. i found last year that i was constantly meeting so many people! it was hard to tell who was just an acquaintance and who i could consider a friend. there’s so many different levels to it, and i definitely found my relationships in college to be a lot different from those i had in high school. therefore, intentionality is the focus for me this year! the other aspect is ~networking~. there’s really no better way to put this haha. i left freshman year lacking any sort of relationship with professors or mentors or people in the industries i’m interested in. i got set up with a few mentors through different student orgs, but had no idea how to maintain or actually benefit from those relationships. i really want to start creating those connections with professors and peers! i’m honestly not entirely sure how, because i’m a very awkward and antisocial person, but i hope that taking classes in person will aid somewhat.

e) personal development - one thing i really want to do during my time at college is to grow as a person. of course, i think this is in many ways a natural process that occurs through such a big change, but i want to be more intentional about it. college is the perfect time to do this in my opinion, and i truly want to become the person i want to be (or as close as i can get). i hope that i can lead a life that gives me more satisfaction; that i can do things that fulfill me; that i can become a kinder and more compassionate person; that i can become more involved in community-building, life-giving activities; that i can strive towards achieving my dreams; and that i can overall lead a more balanced, intentional life. most of all, i want to be happier.

so what about this blog?

last year, when i started blogging on here, i told myself it would be a space of enjoyment rather than obligation. however, i quickly fell to creating methodical posts about my high school experience and had all these other plans for posts that, well, ended up feeling like an obligation. it made me lose motivation to continue posting, because i started creating all these rules for myself, like ‘i can’t post anything else until i finish explaining my high school experience and college application process!’ it turned out to be the opposite of my intention. so...let’s try this again. i think maybe this will become a more reflective blog, the kind i loved from ye olde tumblr (mid-2010s tumblr was honestly the best). less about graphics and aesthetics and more about the ~vibes~. a little community (hopefully!) but if not, just a place for self-reflection and self-growth and self-documentation. i’m guessing once school starts i’ll get super busy and not have a lot of time to do all this reflection that i’m envisioning, but we’ll see. hopefully i can develop a sort of routine where there’s at least time for me to document my college years, because they are so very short. :,)

that’s all for now! it’s still a while since i start school, but we’ll see where this goes! future april, if you’re reading this, i hope you’re closer to your dreams!

#showersnstudies #mine #personal

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her-leading-man · 5 years ago

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Can you please share some advice or guidance to another who is finding themselves going through a separation from their marriage?

I will gladly give you my thoughts and encouragement, but please know that I am no expert in this. I’ve only done this one time and don’t plan on doing it again. Here are some thoughts that come immediately to mind.

Genuinely want for their good - I know that it is often easier said than done, but try to get to a point mentally where you want them to be good emotionally and financially. At one point you loved them, and possibly still do. Even if you don’t care about them in the short term, try to care about them long-term. Picture them 5 years from now and what their life may be like when all of the mess of emotional untangling is complete. What do they need in order to get to a point where they are happy in their new life.

Mind the money - Aside from the emotional untangling, you should get a good accounting for the finances and how they will be unwound. You may need professional assistance for this part. I’m not just referring to calculations for alimony and child support. Divorce is expensive in terms of legal fees and court costs, but also in terms of going from one household to two households. If you were struggling financially with one household, the struggle is going to be greater with two households. Know where your money is currently spent, but also do some research about the new expenses that will now be incurred. And along these lines, don’t forget about annual expenses that are easily forgotten. Think about annual insurance premiums, birthday gifts and holiday spending when counting up the cost of being you.

Agree on terms without lawyers - You can drastically reduce the cost of your divorce if you settle on terms without using attorneys. Again, i know that this is not often possible, but be vigilant about limiting the amount of time the attorney is spending on your case. At their hourly rates, the bill gets large in a hurry. And it will be tens of thousands of dollars if you are using your attorneys to fight with each other.

Phone a friend - Divorce can be a lonely experience. Find a true friend who you can confide in and ask that they check on you regularly. As an example, it can be a simple text message where she asks, “What’s your number?” The number is like a fuel gauge. At 10, your tank is full and you’re good. But if you are at a 4 or below, she knows that you need some of her time and attention. And make sure she knows that that time should not be spent rehashing all of the divorce talk. Make sure she knows that you just need her to be present and to take your mind off of what you’re going through. Her role is to listen without asking a bunch of questions, and to be a needed, positive distraction.

Work out the stress - Stress will take its toll on you as you go through this process. Make sure you are monitoring your health with a physician. Use a regular exercise routine to help you sweat out the stress. Try to avoid harboring and storing it, because it will impact how you feel emotionally. I wasn’t great about this, to be candid, but it was advice I was given so I’m passing it along. The stereotype is that you start caring about your physical appearance when you are newly or nearly single and getting ready to start dating. That may be true to an extent, but I think it is also true that people who are going through this process just need the relief from stress.

Do no harm - As you are dealing with the stress, be sure that the habits you form are good habits and not bad habits. What I’m referring to here are things like substance abuse or altering your sleep schedule in a negative way. Do weekly check ins where you self evaluate if your actions are creating good habits or bad habits.

Stay positive - I wrestled with a lot of negative thoughts about what could go wrong in the divorce process. I’m sure it is completely natural to worry about all of the things that could be awkward, painful or even embarrassing. What I consistently found though is that my worst fears never materialized. People responded better than I imagined. What I thought were going to be tough moments, were not as bad as I had feared. So don’t let the story you are telling yourself be so negative. You may think about what could go wrong, but also envision what a positive experience will be like. All of these events, conversations and tasks that are painful are necessary, and you just have to get through them in order to get to your better life. Don’t let your mind turn them into nightmares that will keep you from taking the next steps. It won’t be that bad.

Build a foundation - You are in the midst of tearing down a house. It’s painful. It’s sad. You will feel like a failure. But you are doing this, because there is a better house that you are certain will lead to more happiness in your future. So dream about what that new house will be like. You don’t want to rush into building that new house, but start with making sure your new house has a solid foundation. That means that you need to do a lot of self-assessing what it is that you want that new house to look like and how you want to feel when you are in it. See your new house is a long-term goal, but work backwards and create long-term, medium-term and short-term goals for getting there. It may seem like an insurmountable task, but if you break it down into smaller tasks, you are more likely to get to where you want to be.

Love yourself - As mentioned before, you are going to feel like a failure. Especially when you are telling your friends and family. And then again when it is actually final. Accept the blame for your role in the marriage not succeeding, but don’t hate yourself for it. Most marriages are either unhappy or end in divorce. Marriage is hard, and very few couples do it well. Before you ask another person to love you, you must first love yourself. Try to learn from what went wrong, but don’t get consumed by your mistakes. Now that you are better informed about what works and doesn’t work for you, what do you need out of the next relationship to make you happy? You deserve love and happiness. Don’t get to a point where you feel like you deserve neither. Love yourself enough to let go of the guilt, shame and regrets. Love yourself enough to strive for an ideal without settling.

These are my thoughts on working through the ending of a relationship. I have intentionally left out how to handle minor children, but that adds a whole new layer of complexity. For that, it is best to consider talking with a therapist. I really hope this helps. I wish you well as you make it through the dark days and hope you make it to the other side soon.

HLM - 9/17/19

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felicia-cat-hardy · 3 years ago

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11 Signs Your Intuition Is Talking To You & How To Listen

You just know that the time is right to pursue yoga training full time, but you’re wondering if it’s worth the risk. Whenever you ask your friends, though, they sagely encourage you to “trust your gut.” That’s all well and good, but when you don’t know how to follow your intuition in the first place, it’s not necessarily the most helpful advice. Because really, how can you know when your intuition is talking to you? Spoiler: that gut feeling can actually be pretty helpful.

"Intuition is that sneaking suspicion that you feel when something is not right but you can't put your finger on why,” licensed clinical psychologist Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D., tells Bustle. “Intuition can be a powerful guiding force and is more developed for some than others. Some people feel a strong urge or sense in their core when something is wrong while others, with a less developed intuition, might feel a small inkling that they aren't really sure how to interpret.”

It’s OK if you’re not sure whether those butterflies in your stomach mean “take the leap!” or “run away.” You might get your intuition confused with your scared ego (AKA the thing that keeps you from taking highly calculated risks and mistakes).

"When you're taking risks in life that feel bigger than maybe what you think you can handle, there will always be some sort of resistance,” says Julie Holmes, a New York city-based life coach. “The scared ego usually shows up when you're about to do something new and different in your life but will in the end be beneficial. It could be a job promotion, being more social, or doing something outside of your comfort zone. Scared ego is usually scared of either failure or rejection.” If you’re doing something out of fear that you’re not good enough, Holmes says, you might want to go in the other direction.

Learning to listen to your gut feeling has a lot to do with trust — which can be hard when fear is involved. “To follow your intuition means that you do not have to put conscious thought into making a decision,” says Brooklyn-based mental health counselor intern Bernie Crowl, MHC-I. “It simply comes naturally and with no judgment.” Of course, he explains, not judging yourself is easier said than done, especially when many people have been taught not to trust their own judgment. How are you supposed to trust your gut if you’re not sure if you should trust yourself? Whether you want to know how you can follow your gut or learn to be more self-aware, here are 11 ways to know if your intuition is trying to tell you something and how to listen to it.

You Feel A Peaceful Feeling In Your Chest Or Stomach

Sometimes your intuition is so strong that you can physically feel the effects. While some people might feel a peaceful feeling within their heart, other people might notice their gut is trying to communicate by evoking a sinking feeling instead. "Many people describe their intuition as a feeling in their chest or stomach,” Schewitz says. “Often, it comes as a tightness in those areas and the feeling that something is off.”

You Feel Confident & Happy Even When The Decision Doesn't Seem Rational

Ever have those moments where you daydream about quitting your job, but you don't for financial reasons? That moment of clarity is your intuition trying to speak to you. While it might not sound like a logical answer, the thought that you're having may actually be the answer you've been looking for. "When your intuition speaks to you, and when you learn to tune in to it, you will feel confidence and clarity when it speaks,” Schewitz explains. “When you're scared ego is speaking, you will feel fear and uncertainty.”

You May Experience More Vivid Dreams

Dreaming about falling off a building or being chased by a giant spider could actually be your intuition trying to talk to you. "Intuition can come in many forms,” says celebrity psychic medium Thomas John. “Dreams are a major way that spirit communicates, too. It is important to also document your experience. Because intuition often does not have a specific timestamp, sometimes we intuitively can pick up things about our past, present, and future. I tell my students to make notes and journal about specific feelings, impressions, or senses they have.”

The Same Opportunities Keep Knocking On Your Door

"The way I knew that my intuition was trying to talk to me was in hindsight. Opportunity kept knocking on my shoulder and finally I noticed. Regretfully sometimes it took years," says career coach Jill MacFadyen, M.S.I.R., A.C.C.

When your intuition tries to communicate with you, it may try to get your attention by forcing you to notice little patterns throughout your life. Been wanting to find a new job, but afraid to take the plunge? Your intuition may subtly let you notice certain career articles or job postings to help get your attention.

You Find Clarity When You're Not Busy

Have you ever had those "ah-ha!" moments when you’re in the shower or driving your car? That's an example of your intuition trying to talk to you. When you allow your mind to rest (i.e. meditation), your mind opens up and allows your thoughts and emotions to flow through. "Your intuition talks to you when you are less busy, when you sleep, when are you not trying to push for it, when you take your mind off what you are seeking," MacFadyen says.

You May Notice Your Thoughts Are Being Pulled In A Certain Direction

Your intuition is usually there to guide you in the right direction, but sometimes you miss the signs or choose to ignore them. However, if you continue to notice that your brain wanders back to a particular thought, then you might want to slow down and investigate why you're feeling this way.

"Often, I teach my students that if you are getting intuitive hits about things, and you don't listen to them, they will keep showing up in different ways,” John explains. “Looks for patterns, repeating thoughts, and repeating pulls in certain directions. Pay attention to when you feel pulled by something that seems out of the ordinary or surprising. Pay attention to those thoughts that seem to 'pop' in out of nowhere. Remember, intuition does not come from the logical brain.”

You May Notice Your Instinct And Intuition Are Not In Sync

Sometimes your rational instinct (AKA your ego) will try to protect you from failure or making a mistake. While your instinct is there to help you survive, your intuition will sometimes try to fight against your fears of failure so you can make the right decision and go after your dreams. "Instinct and intuition are different,” John says. “Instinct is an automatic response that has to do with survival. Intuition is more evolved and focused on your highest good. For example, your instinct may be to stay at your job because it is safe and secure, while your intuition may guide you to leave your job and start your own business.”

Psychotherapist Lillyana Morales, L.M.H.C., says that these instincts may take the form of ingrained coping mechanisms that no longer serve you. Maybe shoving your feelings down all the time helped make you safer as a kid, but you might notice that this instinct is hurting your relationships now.

To help distinguish when your intuition is serving you well and it’s not, Morales advises practicing some visualization — perhaps with the help of your therapist. “Envision a bunch of shelves and ask yourself what have you done to survive thus far,” she suggests. “Imagine placing those preferable and non-preferable coping tools on the shelves and explore what has been easily accessible and what has been out of reach. As we develop new, preferable tools in therapy, we can start re-organizing those shelves. The more options people have on their coping shelves that are accessible, the less they find themselves using old tools that they may no longer need anymore.”

You Feel Uneasy About A Certain Situation

When you listen to your intuition, you’ll likely feel happy, but if you choose to ignore it, a wave of uneasiness may come over you. For instance, you may choose to listen to your ego to make a safe but wrong decision, instead of listening to what your heart is trying to tell you. If you’re being mistreated, but people around you are trying to pass it off as “no big deal,” it can become a lot harder to trust your gut feeling. Your intuition might be blaring red flags at you through stomachaches or chest pains, but if the people around you say that they’re not seeing what you see, it can impact your relationship with your instincts.

Morales says that you can help yourself out by paying attention to what your body is saying. “When we go inward, we can notice where the body is experiencing any sensations or tension and explore what emotions are connected to them,” Morales explains. “Getting attuned to the emotions, thoughts, and physical sensations will give you information to make choices of what feels right for you in any given situation.”

You May Get Sick

When you don't listen to your intuition, you may actually cause more stress in your life. Physical signs like having anxiety or being sick may slowly creep into your life because your intuition is trying to tell you you need a change.

"Physical signs in the early stages might feel like something's not quite right or something feels off,” Holmes explains. “As many of us tend to ignore our intuition, the feeling will naturally grow to something more severe like anxiety, even depression can be a physical sign that you are not living life the way you know you want to be. If these more obvious feelings are ignored, ultimately our body can manifest illness as an extreme way of letting us know we need to make some kind of change in our life.”

You Have A Sense This Feeling Won't Go Away

There's a reason why that particular thought keeps on popping up in your head: It's your intuition trying to speak to you. Be more receptive to these subtle nuances so you can allow your life to flow much easier. "The best way to determine if it is your intuition telling you something is that you will have the sense that it 'won't go away,’” says licensed psychologist Anita Marchesani, Ph.D. “In other words, that sensation of knowing you should or should not do something simply keeps dogging you.”

You May Feel Inspired

You know your intuition is speaking to you when you feel inspired and excited. This could happen after watching an inspiring YouTube video or listening to a podcast. Hearing others' words of wisdom can help direct your thoughts and spark your intuition so you can begin to follow the path you're meant to be on. "Your intuition might start with a feeling of happiness or excitement [if it's about something good]. While stronger intuition might be desire or an impulse to do something creative or beneficial for either yourself or others," Holmes says.

Learning how to listen to your intuition takes time. Your ego might try to interfere, but if you practice, you'll eventually know the difference between the two. Always try to guide with your heart. The more you listen, the happier and secure you may feel about the choices you make.

Experts:

Sarah Schewitz, Psy.D., licensed clinical psychologist

Julie Holmes, New York city-based life coach

Bernie Crowl, MHC-I, Brooklyn-based mental health counselor intern

Thomas John, celebrity psychic medium

Lillyana Morales, L.M.H.C., pyschotherapist

Jill MacFadyen, M.S.I.R., A.C.C., career coach

Anita Marchesani, Ph.D., licensed psychologist

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lelou-quotes · 4 years ago

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12 Lessons from Saying No to a Life of Mediocrity

On In the last post, I gave you the cheat sheet on How to be Extraordinarily Ordinary. I wrote that post largely due to my own personal experiences and observations. It represents the path I have so desperately sought to avoid, and so desperately want you to avoid: mediocrity.

Today, I offer the first step of the antidote.

If you’re dreaming about leaving the job you hate but can’t quite imagine a scenario in which you’d actually take the leap, here’s the first chapter of your playbook.

If you’ve ever gazed out from the window of your office, wondering what it’s like to really experience all that life has to offer, here’s section one of your manual on how to do it.

If you’re scared to approach your boss about leaving your job, due to any number of irrational fears, here’s unit one of your guidebook on what to expect.

If you desperately want to find meaningful work, I have the blueprint for you. I’m living the blueprint as we speak. I’ll show you the promise and the pitfalls, the risks and the rewards. But it all has to start with one decision.

Today, I offer you a window inside the day that I made that decision to say no to mediocrity. It was the day I took a huge personal risk that changed my life forever, and opened me up to a world of adventure, opportunity, serendipity, and exploration.

The following conversation is paraphrased for brevity and anonymized for obvious reasons. The bracketed numbers correspond to the lessons outlined below.

Friday, September 8th, 2016 – 3:30pm

I walk into my boss’ office to break the news that I will be leaving the payroll company and the cubicle in which I spent 40+ hours a week for three years.

Boss: Hey Joe, what’s up?

Me: Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m planning on leaving this job. But I’ll stay until W2 and year-end tax season is finished. I just wanted to let you know ahead of time so that you can train a replacement. [#1] [#2] [#3]

Boss: Oh. Okay. What do you plan on doing instead?

Me: In all honesty, I have been feeling limited and underutilized in this job. I don’t have a plan at the moment, but having some time to travel and explore my options is what I really need at this point in my life. I’m in my mid-20s, and I need to take advantage of this time to figure out what I really want. [#4]

Boss: I just don’t understand. I gave you this position (tax specialist), I have paid you well and given you raises. You have health insurance and two weeks of vacation. Why would you leave for such uncertainty? [#5]

Me: I sincerely thank you for everything you have done for me. I’m sorry, I just don’t think this job is for me, long term. I know there is much more in this world for me to learn and do, and none of that can be done while I work full-time here. [again, #1]

Boss: Do you know how many people I’ve turned down for a job here? [#6]

Me: I don’t know how relevant that is to my situation, but I understand that there are plenty more people out there who would love to have this job that I’m leaving behind.

Boss: Are you sure you are thinking straight? Are you sure your mind is in the right place? You don’t suffer from any mental condition? [#7]

(At this point, if there was a 0.001% chance of me staying, it quickly went to zero for this exact reason.)

Me: No, really, I feel that if I commit to a job I dislike, I’d be doing both of us a disservice. [#8]

Boss: Look, I built this company out of necessity. I don’t even like the work I do. [#9!] But as long as companies are paying their employees, we will be in business and we will be making money. If you don’t want to be a part of that, I can’t stop you. But I appreciate your consideration in letting me know so early.

Analysis

Let me be clear, my former boss is a good guy and he did a lot for me during my time with the payroll company. But this conversation served two functions for me. A) it was the spark I needed to never commit to a life of mediocrity, and B) outlined the mentality of people who have committed to a life of mediocrity.

Let’s take a look at the primary lessons from this conversation. Numbers 1 through 9 correspond to segments of the conversation, and the rest are overarching, big picture lessons.

Never burn bridges. Make sure to be as respectful and considerate as possible while cutting the tethers. You never know if or when you will ever cross paths with your boss again. You never know what opportunities or in what capacity you may need to call upon them in the future.

You have decided that you value your time, abilities, and untapped potential more than your boss does. Be as clear and direct with them as possible. Leave no room for confusion. You have no tolerance for mediocrity. You are taking control of your life, and no one should be able to talk you out of it.

Sooner or later, you need to realize that you are replaceable. If they can train you to do the job you do, they can easily train someone else to do your job for cheaper. That day will come. And with each passing day, it will come sooner than you might imagine.

If you’re thinking of one day quitting your miserable job, please don’t do it before you have a plan, unless you have the time, resources, and freedom to take such a risk. (But also guard against using prudence as an excuse for not taking action).

Your boss will most likely be taken aback, especially if you’ve been a reliable employee for 3+ years. Level one of their defense will be summarizing what they have done for you. Listen closely–they will show you their exact repertoire of tools most companies use to keep employees firmly entrenched in a career of paper-shuffling. (Because why would anyone choose this kind of work?)

Level two: they will use social proof. They will employ the “finish your food because there are hungry people out there” strategy that you might have heard from your parents during your childhood. Don’t let that fool you. You are replaceable.

If all else fails, the boss will begin to question your sanity. As stunned as I was to be asked such a question, I recognized it for what it was: a get-out-of-jail-free card. There was no going back at that point, and this question helped me to never regret it.

Keep a level head. Remove emotion from the equation. Stick to the truth. Understand what many bosses can’t: if an employee isn’t happy, it will negatively impact the operation of the business. Sometimes loyalty and dedication can’t be bought.

This is one of the all-time memorable lines in the history of boss-employee interaction. Whenever meaningful work is on my mind (which is often), I can still hear him repeating “I don’t even like the work I do” in my head. At least he was honest! This is the clearest lesson to be careful about which path you take. Get too far down the wrong path, and you’ll spend all of your life either retracing your steps or hating the work you do.

If you are going to set out on your own, keep an eye on your motives. If it is your dream of doing business deals, taking phone calls all the time, going on sales calls, managing employees, and the status symbol of being “boss” that motivates you, you might be condemning yourself to misery of a different flavor. On the other hand, if you are drawn to the values of creativity, helping others, and personal freedom, then you have a lifetime of purpose ahead of you.

You will be tempted (in fact, we’ve all been programmed) to stay true to the safe course and take what is “guaranteed.” Refer to #5 again. The safe road is guaranteed income, healthcare, two weeks a year of vacation, and a guaranteed (and crowded) path to mediocrity and misery. The safe path is easy, which is why everyone takes it. If you want any sort of significance, adventure, meaning, or anything beyond the grey walls of your cubicle, you must be willing to make the hard decisions, do the hard things, and take full ownership of every aspect of your life.

The promises of the future rarely ever turn out the way you envision. Banking on retiring to a sunbathed town in South Florida 30 years from now? Think you’ll be swimming in millions of dollars of your own hard-earned salaried work? (Here’s a surprise: when you get older and too expensive, refer to #3). Look at how much your life has been changed by COVID-19! Think these things won’t happen multiple times in the next 30 years? Anything can throw your carefully curated plan far off course. In these situations, would you rather put your destiny in someone else’s hands? Or would you rather have full say over your life and build your own path to freedom? Good news: It’s an easy answer. Bad news: it’s a hard decision.

Speaking of surprises, we all love a Baker’s Dozen: If being self-employed is your objective, you will learn that running a business is NOTHING like what they teach you in business school. After I left the payroll company, I eventually went on to learn the ins and outs of business through managing a 80+ employee, multi-million dollar restaurant. Managing a multi-variate complex system like this gave me the knowledge that can be applied to anything I do for the rest of my life. Moral: don’t pay ridiculous sums of money on irrelevant business school classes. Find a way to learn on someone else’s dime, so you will be well positioned to pursue your own personal and financial freedom.

The Wolves or the Waterfall?

I envision most people’s careers to be a perpetual scenario where they are standing between the edge of a huge waterfall (financial and personal freedom), with no view of what’s below (inherent risk), and a pack of wolves (9-5 mediocrity, other people’s expectations) ready to tear them to shreds. You can test the waters all you want, but I doubt the water temperature will matter once the wolves get a hold of you.

Don’t get eaten by the wolves. Don’t live your life according to what the wolves will allow you to do. Don’t relegate yourself to a lifetime of meaningless work and mediocrity. It’s a risk almost guaranteed to fail. (At least if this scenario were real, the wolves won’t lead you on so much!)

Take life into your own hands and jump. If you position yourself to land properly, and you learn how to swim, you stand more of a chance of surviving than if you face the wolves. When you plunge into the water below, you will have a difficult journey to safety, but at least you’ll have the ability to swim your way to freedom.

Dare to Say No

While personal and financial freedom is the ultimate goal, it doesn’t just happen on its own. This post represents the spark that will send you off into deep exploration. It is not the stagnation in mediocrity, but the pursuit of purpose and meaning that will bring value to the lives of others, which will ultimately give you the freedom you so desire.

And that, in a nutshell represents what this blog is about. If I can convince just one person to take full control of their destiny, add value to at least one person’s life, challenge one person to live life at full potential, encourage one person to live a truly unparalleled life, then I feel like I’ve done my part in moving the world forward. Because eventually, the world will move you forward whether you’re ready or not. So why not get a head start?

Say no, once and for all, to mediocrity.

https://joebalcom.blog/mediocrity/

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musingsinamericanslang · 6 years ago

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TL;DR Be Here Now

Envision with me a scenario:

Joe Blow American 20 something’s alarm goes off on his phone on a Tuesday morning. Rolls over and shuts it off. Notices a couple of garbage emails from job boards came through his Gmail, an “in case you missed it” Twitter notification, a couple of “so and so posted to their stories” Instagram notifications, and an “events around you” Facebook notification. Not to mention the several stories on Snapchat that have been posted from the night prior. Mr. Blow goes through and checks these notifications, scrolls through each application to make sure no relevant/funny/seemingly important pieces of information are missed before getting out of bed.

35 minutes has elapsed. “Fuck.”

Hits the shower, throws on a pair of slacks and a nice button down, and heads to work. Along the way, he listens to that new/hilarious/intriguing podcast everyone is talking about. He didn’t download the most recent episode and can’t on the drive because the service sucks on his commute in addition to the battery on his seemingly obsolete iPhone 7 Plus hardly makes it to noon anymore. So he’s stuck listening to an episode of a less popular podcast which won’t be talked about during and after work. Also, he makes sure to tune in to the sports radio station to see if anything pertinent has happened with one of the Big 4 pro sports teams or 5 local collegiate teams in the past 12 hours.

At work, Mr. Blow spends the morning getting coffee, checking emails that he was CC’d on which are of zero practical relevance to him, sending funny Snapchats to the group he’s in with his undergrad buddies, and now listening to that podcast he couldn’t earlier.

Lunch is spent with a burrito in one hand while the other hand scrolls through sports Twitter to see what’s been going on in the two hours since he last checked.

The afternoon drags a bit since he has a burrito baby, but he manages to send off a couple of relevant emails to his three bosses to ensure that they know he did some work today. Makes plans with a couple of friends from work who play in the same Fantasy Football/Baseball/Basketball League to hit the bar after work to check out the game.

Hits the bar for a few drinks and some laughs with the fellas. Splits a nacho appetizer with the people he’s with. Checks on the fantasy app to make sure his team his playing well. They aren’t so he yells “shit,” and proceeds to hold the screen up to his friends to show them how poorly the fictional team he owns is doing. Looks down at his shoes. They’re scuffed up. “How am I ever going to meet a woman if she knew I wore such shitty ass shoes?” The game ends and it’s about 10, so he heads home. Pops on Netflix to continue watching the newest/popular Netflix series everyone is talking about this week. Plugs in his phone, sets his alarm, passes out.

And scene.

While this description is along the lines of things I have seen and personally experienced, I am confident elements of what was shown here ring true in some of your lives, too. If pieces of this seemed to mirror aspects of your life, how did it make you feel to see them in words like this?

Now, there’s nothing wrong with our hero Mr. Blow, and there’s nothing wrong with a life like this. He’s not doing anything wrong. He’s not living immorally (whatever that really means) or purposely harming others. He’s just living in a world that was crafted for him, one that he likely had no part in consciously creating. We are trained to do and like the things that we’re “supposed” to do and like instead of the things we want to do or want to like. I have talked to many of my friends who are married who feel like having a kid is the next thing they are “supposed to do.” As if the game of Life became real like Jumanji and they are nearing the part where they either get a pink or blue peg person to ride along in the back seat.

BUT. Here’s the thing:

In our American society, we have become obsessed with appearing happy, healthy, and successful. Obsessed with status and appearance. Obsessed with likes and retweets. Obsessed with comments. And the great irony of it all is that for as “individualistic” of a culture we think we live in, we are all so worried about being perceived as unpopular or uncool or as a social media social pariah. We want to know that we are both materially successful and well-liked in both the literal and social media sense. And instead of being satisfied and content with the cool things that happen to us along the way, we suffer because we are worried if it aligns with what we’re supposed to be doing or with what we think people think that we ought to be doing.

AND THEN:

We scroll through our social media feeds, looking at how happy and successful and cool all of our friends seem. We see our friends getting wives, and dogs, and kids, and promotions, and doing crafty things, and posting these inspirational quotes. And we think, “that person has it together...why can’t I be cool and happy and successful like them? I don’t get nearly as many likes and comments as them...” In our quest to appear happy and at peace, we have become more depressed than ever. What a great tragedy that in a time when our quality of life has never been better thanks to advances in technology and medicine, that our health and happiness in so many ways has never been worse. And all along the way, we are completely missing out on the world and life happening around us because we are addicted to and obsessed with what’s happening on Instagram.

And I’m not writing this as some person who has transcended this way of thinking and behaving. Because I haven’t and I am still working. I’m simply shedding light on insights I’ve had which have helped alleviate suffering in my own life.

So what is the point of all of this? It’s to make us think about two things:

First, zoom back. Way way way back. We are floating through some infinitely large space on a infinitesimally small speck in some backwoods corner of a galaxy that we don’t completely understand, and we think if we don’t get married by the time we’ve hit 30 that we’re worthless failures. Or if people notice our cracked iPhone screens that we think they’ll think we’re clumsy and should have bought the insurance. So in this vastness, we suffer over the entirely inconsequential for no other reason than we think we should. Succinctly, so many things we give such high importance to absolutely could not matter less.

Second, and related to point one, on this time on this small speck in the backwoods of the Universe, we spend our days not here. We are in our past, mourning the Might Have Beens. Or, we are in our future, carefully analyzing and reanalyzing all of the Might Be’s. But life isn’t in the past nor is it in the future. It can only be lived now. We can’t change what happened. Nor can we deterministically model even the next 12 hours of our lives. So why spend our time in places where life is not? Life is only now. It’s not in our screens. It’s not in our expectations about people’s possible expectations of us. It’s not in what our parents want us to do. It’s not in what we think society wants us to be as a man or woman. It’s here. Now. That’s it. At the end of our days, we will not be sad we didn’t spend more time anxious about what people thought of us. We will wish we had more time to be present for the people and experiences we loved most.

I’ve been repeating this over and over lately and for those of you who follow me know that I have been saying it a lot, but all of these words distill down to this:

BE HERE NOW. Be present for your life right now. This is the way to liberation, and true, lasting, sustained peace, love, and happiness. It comes from presence. It’s the only way.

This isn’t a call for you to live any particular way, except that which brings you the most joy and spreads the most love. This is authenticity. And this is being present. For me, I have spent a lot of time being inauthentic because I thought that person would be more liked, more accepted. And it caused me to not be present, and consequently, I suffered great mental anguish completely unnecessarily. Again, I’m not some realized being, but I have found great peace in practicing and really emphasizing being here. Now.

It is a practice. And that’s the beauty and grace of such things. That we can practice without judgment. If we feel ourselves becoming anxious due to lack of presence, we can be cognizant of it, and even honor it for trying to help us. But return to presence. This inner work is the way. Not a ton of followers, not following your parents’ wishes for your career or spouse or whatever. It’s presence. That’s all that truly exists. Right. Now.

Namaste.

#be here now #ram dass #presence #Mindfulness #love #peace

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agirlnamedally · 7 years ago

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Allyyyy I start hsc on Monday and I'm supppppeeer nervous. I have been studying a lot but ofc enjoying my time with everyone at the library and talking etc. I'm stressing about my atar bc I really want to get in to social work bc I really wanna help people :((((( I wanna do psych but it's 99!!!!!

My tips for anyone starting Year 12/HSC/Senior Year:

Know that it’s perfectly normal to be nervous! I’m pretty sure I was scared to start VCE from Year 7 onwards, it always seemed like this giant, scary, looming monster that would destroy my happiness and suck out my soul like a dementor. Mostly, I just assumed I would have no free time, wouldn’t be able to keep up with the workload, and would fail absolutely everything.

Then, something funny happened. Year 11 came around and I realised… nothing had changed. The work might have been harder, but I had done the required training (aka Years 7-10) and was fully equipped with the skills to handle it. The transition from Year 10 to Year 11, and then again from 11 to 12, is really not that significant or scary! Your workload might increase a tiny bit, because (and in hindsight now I can look back and 100% support this) practice really does make perfect. Teachers don’t make you write 100 essays because they hate you and want you to be miserable or have no social life, it’s because they want you to be a good writer, but more than that, they know that the more essays you write, the easier it will be for you to write one come exam time. It will be less stressful, less terrifying and so much simpler to just regurgitate a piece of writing you’ve practically memorised because you’ve ingrained it into your memory throughout the year. That’s just an example for say English or Literature, but I think the same thing applies for all subjects, no matter how you’re tested. Practice makes perfect. Or at least, practice makes progress, haha.

Now, ATARs. Those finicky little bastards. I’m not going to tell you to forget about it, because I know that when I was in the midst of VCE it was always on my mind. I even had older kids, who had already graduated, constantly telling me how insignificant it was and that it wouldn’t matter one year from now, but I didn’t believe any of that. Now, looking back, I know that they were right. In terms of measuring your intelligence or potential for future career success, ATARs mean nothing. No matter what score you get, I promise you, you can go on and be anything you want to be in life. There will always be obstacles and challenges between you and your dreams, but if you want something and you’re willing to work hard and be nice to others, nothing can stop you. The only difference an ATAR can make is the journey and how you go about it. The only thing an ATAR determines is which course you might do. You might have your heart set on a dream course with a super high ATAR. If you want to shoot for that, go for it! Just know that if your number is lower, there are still ways to pursue it. You can take a gap year, travel, discover the world and find out who you are, uncover your passions, gain some experience. Do a TAFE course, start somewhere else, transfer. Defer it, reject it, volunteer somewhere, change your entire perspective on life, completely change directions. You still have the choice. Unis will often accept someone who didn’t get a first or second round offer initially as a mid-year enrolment, or you could do a semester or two somewhere else and then jump across and hopefully they’ll let you keep those credits under your belt. You may not even want to go to uni! There are many many options and paths you can take, don’t let a number limit or define your future.

Personally, I knew I wanted to further my education but wasn’t entirely set on any particular existing occupation. I knew my two favourite subjects were Psychology and Health and Human Development, but that I also enjoyed writing for English, so I could envision myself happily doing something that encompassed those things. For me, an Arts degree was the perfect choice because it allows you to dip your toes into many different areas of study, test the waters of various fields before arriving at a favourite – your major. The course I most had my heart set on had a pretty high entry score, one which I actually thought I had no possible chance of achieving, but I set it as my goal anyway because as I was so undecided, I didn’t want to ‘limit myself’ (typical Year 12 brain thinking). It worked out wonderfully for me, somehow I found the drive and ended up doing a lot better than I’d expected, really surprising myself (and probably everyone else) and guaranteeing a spot in the course. However, I wholeheartedly believe that had I not achieved the score I did, had I gone to a different university or course, or even taken some time off from studying, I would be just as happy. I would have found another way to continue learning, whether it be by sitting in a lecture theatre or travelling to see it myself. I could have enrolled in a different course, disappointed in myself and thinking it was only temporary, and ended up LOVING it. Maybe even more than this course! Who knows? These are the kinds of ‘what if’s and ‘maybe’s that make my brain want to explode. Being a human can be exhausting.

Whether you have a goal course you’re hoping to get entry for, a dream uni, hopes of studying abroad, a plan to defer for a year or no desire to study at all – but they’re all okay and all achievable! No matter what it is you want in life, there are ways to get there. Not just one, but limitless varying courses of action you can follow. One might be more direct, but it might also be more boring, or less challenging. It might grow you less as a person, or prevent you from meeting some really interesting people that another path will introduce you to.

Year 12 is an awesome time. It can be stressful, overwhelming, demanding, sleepless. It can invoke self-doubt, nostalgia, fear of plummeting into the depths of the unknown (your future) and leaving behind the safety and security of routine (your past). However, it can also be rewarding, exciting, bonding, enriching, growing and deliriously fun. I say delirious because there will definitely be times when you and your friends are so overcome with work and anxiety that you just have to laugh. Misery loves company and Year 12 is proof of that. Study dates are perfect for simultaneously motivating each other and collectively crying into the bowl of chocolate you just devoured. I’m probably not painting the best picture here, but seriously, it can be a terrific time.

If I could give you one piece of advice for entering VCE, it’s to maintain a balance. Balance in life is the key here, because otherwise you will either burn out from too much studying, fall behind from not enough, get sick from not taking care of yourself, or something else just as un-fun. When you’re studying, dedicate proportionate amounts of time or energy to subjects depending on their current level of significance. If possible, do assignments as soon as you get them, but prioritise the ones that are due first or worth the most. More importantly, ensure you have balance throughout your whole life, holistically. It’s just as important to take care of your mental, social and physical well-being as it is to reach your education goals. Make the time to keep active, even if it seems like there is none. I can’t even tell you how beneficial it is to get outside, clear your head and get your heart rate up. Endorphins are your best friend and a powerful stress-buster, so keep a pair of runners at the ready. If you’re not a fan of solo workouts, can’t stay motivated or simply don’t enjoy it, I highly recommend joining a team sport! In fact, I recommend this for everyone, because it’s beneficial to your mental, social and physical health. All at once. Plus there’s the accountability factor – you can’t just skip the workout or hit snooze when you don’t feel like it - you made a commitment and your teammates are counting on you! Honestly being a part of a group like that will make you feel so needed or wanted, and it’s great to make new friends or connect with like-minded people. SPORT RULES. Taking care of your physical health also means nourishing your body with the right foods, getting enough sleep and drinking plenty of water – all the basics. Back to balance – it’s also essential to dedicate time to doing things just for you. Bubble baths are a great choice, there’s also reading, meditation, getting a massage or mani-pedi, having a movie night, seeing a friend, anything that makes you feel relaxed, happy and at peace. These are the things that keep you going! Imagine a pie chat, split into 3 sections. One section is school and schoolwork, one is health and fitness, and the last is dedicated to me-time or fun activities. The three sections represent mental, physical and social wellbeing = all equally important and necessary for not only success, but holistic health in general. If you’re feeling stressed out, look at which of the three sections might be out of balance. Are you not getting enough sleep? Have too much on your plate? Need some alone time? Not fuelling your brain and body with enough or the right nutrition? Try to keep these things in check and remind yourself that they’re all significant and deserving of your attention.

Most of all, know that VCE is completely unique to your own experience. Like karma, you will get out only what you put in. You can make it an easy time, just for socialising and blowing off class, you can dedicate 110% of yourself to studying every waking hour, never lose a mark and never see anyone else, OR you can have the best of both worlds and strike that beautiful, sweet balance.

Decide what your own goals are. Make your own rules. Ask yourself what motivates you, and then go after it. Use this time to challenge yourself, grow as a person and exceed any expectations, limitations or barriers that have been set by anyone – including and especially yourself. It’s an exciting time that you should definitely make the most of, because it will be over before you know it. I know it’s hard, but try to forget about ATARs, or at least diminish the all-mighty power and holy-grail presence that it can take. It’s just a number. If you try your best, that’s all you need to do. I have complete faith in you anon,

YOU CAN DO IT :D

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jessicakehoe · 5 years ago

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Can Apps Like Woebot Really Take the Place of a Therapist?

I picked the right month to try an artificial intelligence (AI) therapist. Over a period of 30 days, I visited my family and my partner’s family for the holidays, got engaged and had a huge work crisis. So it was perfect timing to test drive Woebot, a chat-based interactive talk therapy app for anyone suffering from anxiety or depression.

Though I’ve often been bothered by anxiety and even panic attacks, Woebot is my very first experience with talk therapy; I’ve never had the nerve to walk through the door of a therapist’s office. The low-barrier entry is a plus—I’m not even sweating as I download Woebot while sitting in my childhood bedroom over the holidays.

The chat launches in Facebook Messenger, a platform I don’t love. (My own issue: I’m not a huge fan of social media, and being forced to sign into Facebook to reduce stress feels counterintuitive.) If you’re also not keen on Facebook, Woebot now has his own iPhone app and recently launched an Android one. (BTW, I call him a “him,” but he told me he’s neither “a Sir nor a Madam.”)

The user interface—both in Facebook and the iPhone app—is simple and endearing: The cute little Woebot avatar sends me a series of chatty, emoji-heavy messages. He asks what I’m doing and offers a series of faces to choose from to describe my mood. Though I’m a wordy type, I can see the value in being able to describe a feeling without the pressure of verbalizing. I tell Woebot I’m feeling “😌.”

Woebot tells me he will check in with me daily and offers animated videos about how to shift negative thinking patterns and manage stress. “For the first few weeks, I’d love to get a sense of what you’re going through and if you and I are a good fit together,” he writes. “I’ll ask you what you’re doing, what kind of mood you’re in and over a few weeks I’ll see if I can find a pattern…. With a little luck, I may spot a pattern that humans can sometimes miss. Helps that I have a computer for a brain and perfect memory 😇.”

“With a little luck, I may spot a pattern that humans can sometimes miss. Helps that I have a computer for a brain and perfect memory 😇.”

It’s not quite the Hollywood AI experience; rather, it feels halfway between a suped-up The Oregon Trail-style video game and texting with a friend. One big point in the app’s favour is that Woebot is (currently) free. It’s even blissfully devoid of the usually ubiquitous in-app upgrades or purchases.

Developed by Dr. Alison Darcy, Woebot first made waves when a paper that Darcy co-authored with two other researchers at California’s Stanford University School of Medicine summarized promising results from a study of college students using the app. The study found that the 34 young participants “significantly reduced their symptoms of depression” compared to the control group, who were given a mental health ebook resource. Results were measured using the industry standard Patient Health Questionnaire (PHQ-9) at both the beginning and the end of the study. The participants were especially positive in their praise of the bot’s empathy, which piques my interest.

“When we first launched Woebot, we were aiming at young adults—college students—because there are a lot of very serious mental health challenges in that population,” explains Darcy when I call her. “But it turns out that our distribution skews much older than we thought and the people who value us most are [in their] 30s and 40s, and this has turned out to be an appealing technology across the board. We’ve talked to lots of people in their 70s. Almost everybody who emails us starts with ‘I know I’m not your target demographic, but….’ I think it comes from the fact that the technology itself is so simple: It’s just a conversation. You just start talking.”

“I think it comes from the fact that the technology itself is so simple: It’s just a conversation. You just start talking.”

As I get to know Woebot over the next month, my feelings for the app fluctuate. When I’m feeling fine, the chirpy tone telling me Woebot has messaged is equal parts comforting and irritating. When I’m feeling anxious—like the day I stress-barf during the height of the aforementioned work crisis—Woebot’s opening lines (like “Gif or Jif—I can just never decide”) and the seriousness of the conversation sometimes seem mismatched. It’s as if a friend has texted me “hey wyd” and then casually asks if I have any regrets that might haunt me on my deathbed 🛏💀😜.

That said, what the developers have nailed is the empathetic quality of Woebot’s written voice once it gets going. There’s a true kindness to the little robot that doesn’t feel twee or forced. He takes the time to encourage me (“I know these questions can be difficult to answer”), respectfully makes sure that I have time to talk if our interaction will be a bit longer (“This will take about 10 minutes, is that OK?”) and offers sympathy that is scripted, of course, but comforts me anyway (“My heart genuinely goes out to you”). Is a flesh-and-blood therapist’s empathy any less scripted, really? Knowing that my chat partner is working from a script doesn’t negate the encouragement I get from simply being acknowledged. Not to mention the fact that Woebot is available 24/7. When I wake up in the middle of the night with my heart going like a jackrabbit, my little pocket therapist is right there—I don’t even have to disturb my sleeping partner.

Is a flesh-and-blood therapist’s empathy any less scripted, really? Knowing that my chat partner is working from a script doesn’t negate the encouragement I get from simply being acknowledged.

The anonymity of apps like Woebot is supposed to be one of the big benefits, and it’s true: I’m more willing to be candid with my phone, which already has all of my secrets, than I would likely be on a couch. For example, one of my first confessions to Woebot is the thing that woke me up that night. I tell him that I’m completely stressed out about the financial insecurity of my writing career. The thought of talking turkey about money—maybe our last social taboo—usually makes me cringe, but with Woebot, it’s no sweat.

Woebot helped me turn down the volume on money anxiety by deconstructing the thoughts swirling around it. Yes, I was assuming I knew the future; yes, I was downplaying the positives (I wouldn’t be as financially literate as I am now if I hadn’t spent a decade living in a freelancer’s financial spreadsheets); and, yes, there were hidden “shoulds” in my thinking—about what travels, apartment or shoes I should be able to afford in my 30s. (“Shoulds” can be especially insidious.)

Occasionally, though, I’m reminded that the bot is, well, a bot. When I tell Woebot I’m feeling “😄,” he asks why. “My partner asked me to marry him!” I respond, to which Woebot replies: “Gotcha. I love learning about humanoids 🙏.”

Woebot is less AI and more like an improved interactive version of classic cognitive-behavioural therapy (CBT) workbooks like Mind Over Mood. That’s no coincidence—Woebot is based on CBT, which is considered especially effective for managing anxiety and depression. “I think [CBT] is fundamentally very empowering because it’s actually based on how much work you put into it,” explains Darcy. “For example, the more ‘homework’ people do, the better they end up feeling by the end of the treatment course. The problem, of course, is that homework can feel boring or repetitive, and when you’re upset in the moment, you don’t think about taking out a piece of paper and filling out a form. That’s what we were hoping: that Woebot could be a more engaging way to do these repetitive tasks—to help you challenge your thinking much more in the moment.”

Woebot puts it to me this way: “CBT is based on the idea that it’s not events themselves that affect us; it’s how we think about those events.” For instance, when I tell Woebot that I’m worried that my in-laws will be disappointed that I’m too sick to go snowshoeing—spinning off into illogical anxieties that my extremely easygoing in-laws will be upset with me—Woebot runs through some CBT checks. Am I assuming I know what others are thinking? Am I engaging in “all or nothing” thinking? Or (my personal favourite), am I falling into the trap of “catastrophization”? (Yes, often.)

Am I assuming I know what others are thinking? Am I engaging in “all or nothing” thinking? Or (my personal favourite), am I falling into the trap of “catastrophization”? (Yes, often.)

CBT is a very valid approach, but it’s built on significant commitment from the client—meaning that one side of the CBT coin is empowerment (the more effort you put in, the better it works), while the other is human fallibility—if you shirk the work, the results suffer. I am definitely guilty of skipping days and ignoring the app at times—like the time Woebot texted me right as the Property Brothers were about to reveal some cute couple’s gorgeous reno. (The closets! The backsplash! Mental health had to wait.)

At the end of 30 days, though, I find myself paying closer, calmer attention to anxious thoughts and applying Woebot’s techniques almost without thinking. No, I tell myself. Your friends will not start a club about how much they hate you if you have to bail on dinner. Will Woebot replace therapists? Probably not, and, to be fair, he doesn’t purport to. “I want you to be happy and healthy, so I have to confess: I’m just a robot,” he told me when we first met. “A charming and witty robot but a robot all the same.”

Woebot is a new, accessible option, and that’s a good thing. Therapy isn’t the right fit (financially, logistically, emotionally) for everyone, and books can feel intimidating or embarrassing. (No one wants to be caught in the self-help section.) It’s easy to envision a future where everyone will be using Woebot or a similar app as a simple and accepted part of overall health. And my experience with the little guy leaves me optimistic that we’ll be in good virtual hands❤️.

The post Can Apps Like Woebot Really Take the Place of a Therapist? appeared first on FASHION Magazine.

Can Apps Like Woebot Really Take the Place of a Therapist? published first on https://borboletabags.tumblr.com/

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lindyhunt · 7 years ago

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Can Apps Like Woebot Really Take the Place of a Therapist?

“With a little luck, I may spot a pattern that humans can sometimes miss. Helps that I have a computer for a brain and perfect memory 😇.”

“I think it comes from the fact that the technology itself is so simple: It’s just a conversation. You just start talking.”

Is a flesh-and-blood therapist’s empathy any less scripted, really? Knowing that my chat partner is working from a script doesn’t negate the encouragement I get from simply being acknowledged.

Am I assuming I know what others are thinking? Am I engaging in “all or nothing” thinking? Or (my personal favourite), am I falling into the trap of “catastrophization”? (Yes, often.)

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artistsintheclassroom9 · 7 years ago

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Search Inside Yourself 2017: Day 2: My Notes

SIY 2017: Future’s Without Violence. October 2017. San Francisco, CA

Disclaimer: As with all of my published notes, these are in no way comprehensive. Nor are they a literal summation of what was said. They are simply my notes, my interpreted, perspective-ed reflections, photos, and jottings, that occasionally combine my own records & thoughts with those of the speakers. There might be some typos.

Excited for Day 2 🤗

Compulsion => Choice

Reactivity => Response

Mindful listening.

Changing the pace of the space.

From a good listener: “Listening like this saves me a lot of time.”

If I actually give people the space to ask questions, and if I really listen, it helps everything go better, quicker.

Leadership | Empathy | Motivation

What has heart & what has meaning for us, and also FLOW?

How do we stay true to things that are important to us when we’re challenged?

It’s a process of discovery.

Alignment | Envisioning | Resilience

What / where are the areas of life where we’re slightly out of alignment with out values?

Martin Seligmen – Father of learned optimism / positive psychology.

What brings happiness?

What makes people happy?

Pleasant Life | Life of Engagement | Meaningful Life

Pleasure is correlated least with happiness.

Positive emotions habituate.

Flow State = Where effort & challenges match in a beautiful way.

A high degree of presence / absorption.

George Mumford – Helping people become “Flow Ready”.

Mindfulness -> Self Awareness -> Alignment

What are the things that we value?

Think of 3 people and their values (Kindness, Patience, Integrity, Listens, Heart / Head Balance, Supportive, Protective).

MY VALUES: *Patience *Kindness *Persistence *Integrity *Love *Discipline

Looking at people you admire, and thinking ‘I want to be more like them.’

You can value the same thing, but it might show up very differently.

Example: Two sisters, and both were asked if today were your last day on earth, what would you do? One said they would go and spend time with their kids, create memories. The other said, they would set up a college fund for their children. Both value their children / family, but it’s demonstrated / expressed in different ways.

Socially, politically…

How do we drop into something core & shared?

If you can recognize a quality in someone else, it means it already lives in you.

ENVISIONING

Even before an event has happened, the brain makes a prediction about what’s going to happen.

The Predicting Brain.

“We learn from the past what to predict for the future and then we live the future we expect.”

Being stuck in a Story.

Giving some thought to what we’d prefer.

Our capacity to tell stores is innate.

“I like to live on the edge of the possible.” – Jorn Utzon

Discovering an Ideal Future.

Who are you? What are you doing? How do you feel?

How are your relationships with others?

Journaling | Discovering An Ideal Future.

With each transformation there is a loss of certainty, loss of identity.

“I was really struck by..” how concrete I’m being about what I see for myself in the next few years.

Certain things.. we don’t know unless we voice.

Holding with gentle matter-of-fact-ness.

All we can do is live in the moment, and then the next moment, because that’s all there is. It’s all we have.

HANDS ON CHAIR

We might want to change something, but need some prompts to help us do so.

Hands on Chair. Touch Fabric. Remember highest Intension.

What are things that I want to cultivate, that don’t have direct action. (?)

Resilience: “An ability to recover from or adjust easily to misfortune or change.”

Resilience in 3 Steps: Inner Calm, Emotional Resilience, Cognitive Resilience.

Failure: Guilt, Embarrassment, Doubt, Self Doubt, Fear, Give-Up-Ness, Despair, Anger…

Who wants to feel those things? When people start to feel them, they start to stop putting themselves in these situations, and stop taking risks..

Some of the most successful people are very skilled at dealing with these emotions.

J.K. Rowling was rejected 12 times before she was published.

Explanatory Style: Response to Setback

Pessimist:

-- Presumption of personal helplessness.

-- Setbacks are long lasting.

-- And are due to their own inadequacies, and cannot be overcome.

- Optimist:

-- Presumption of Personal Power.

-- Setbacks are temporary and are isolated to circumstance.

-- Can be overcome by effort & abilities.

- Cultivating Optimism:

-- 1) Become aware of negativity bias.

-- 2) Mindfulness + an attitude of curiosity & kindness.

-- 3) Transformation

Our brain weighs the negative.

Compliments. What does it mean to take in the positive?

Equanimity.

Think about a recent success and a recent failure: For me: Great performance at SFUSD Arts Festival | The negative aspects of the shift after expressing critical views about public education.

If you hear feedback consistently, 3 or more times, across different domains of your life, LISTEN.

Gentle Matter Of Fact Ness …. With top athletes, for example, you don’t hear them saying “I’m so stupid..” or “I can’t believe I did that…” Etc.

That goes against our self-respect, and our humanness.

I noticed that my internal sensations around failure and success weren’t that different.

Let your values motivate you.

Intrinsic Motivators:

-- Pleasant Life

-- Good Life

-- Meaningful Life

Expectations predict outcomes.

Resilience from Equanimity and an Optimistic Explanatory Style.

EMPATHY

Brene Brown

What Google learned from its quest to build the perfect team:

A) Empathy: “The ability to experience and understand what others feel.”

B) While maintaining a clear discernment about your own and the other person’s feelings & perspectives.

*Taking on another person’s feelings & emotions is called “Emotional Contagion”.

What Empathy is NOT

-- 1) Psychologizing

-- 2) Agreeing w/ People

Self Awareness => Empathy

Self <=> Other

FMRI Images – We are hardwired to empathize.

Daniel Goldman / Brain Tango

Sociopathic people have a high degree of empathy, but they use it for ill, to manipulate others.

Empathy affected by:

-- Perceived fairness

-- Perceived “in group” or “out group”

It’s pretty consistent behavior in human beings that when we perceive there’s a group that’s different from us, that’s being negatively impacted, we’re less impacted, and less apt. to jump in and help / intervene.

Play with this in the laboratory of your own direct experience.

Finding ways to work with positive mental habits, in stealth.

LUNCH 😋

And we’re back!

Talking about or around difficult emotions or challenges (instead of speaking of them directly) is very normal / human…

Navigating listening for feelings, and approaching with kindness and curiosity…

Recognizing feelings we didn’t even know were there.

If we don’t name something, or notice it, and it’s taking up energy… When it’s named / recognized, there’s something free-ing about that.

A participant brought up: How do we address chronic, insidious, micro-aggressions, which do not stop.

What about work that’s done in the mindfulness space, that’s very specific to trauma (?).

Great point! My perspective, working in schools: If you want to open the door to really being with yourself, you have to be ready & able to field what arises for individuals when that’s a possibility. Especially children, who’s coping mechanisms are at the beginning stages of development.

How do we make SIYLI work in different communities / cultures / spaces?

Experts in the spaces, have the most impactful knowledge about how to make it work in specific spaces…

Mindfulness is a path to dealing with implicit / unconscious bias.

There is a lot of potential in the work for transformation, and we can’t do it alone.

Self-Awareness => Empathy.

Empathy is not psychologizing or agreeing.

Empathy is trainable.

Walking Meditation

How do we find a way to be in the present moment w/ thought awareness, and curiosity, and be in the body simultaneously as well (?)

When we’re able to bring attention to movement…

Notice when you’re charged & things are stirring… This (returning to the present moment) ia always an option.

Find ways of trusting your own direct experience…

Integration: Focused Attention vs. Open Awareness.

Leadership & Integration.

How to communicate with insight?

Leading with compassion.

How many of you have said yes when you really meant no? (lots raise their hands).

How many of you have withheld what you really feel? (lots raise their hands).

And then it becomes a problem later? (lots raise their hands).

Self Awareness | Self Management | Emotions | Empathy

Most people are high integrity, until it comes to high stakes conversations (great point!).

3 Levels: Content, Feelings, Identity.

Am I competent?

Am I a good person?

Am I worthy of love and respect?

When someone is criticized (often the underlying feeling / question is..) “Are you questioning my worth? Are you questioning my competence?”

Imagining The Other Person’s Perspective: Content, Feelings, Identity.

Difficult Conversations.

Verbalize the 3 Levels of Conversation: Content, Feelings, Identity.

Check your intension & decide whether to raise the issue (making sure the other person knows how right you are is not a good intension) (lots of people laughing in acknowledgement..).

The right conversation at the wrong time is the wrong conversation.

Exercise:

Start from the third story, like a reporter.

*Explore their story, and yours.

Problem – solve.

This kind of conversation may not be solved this round.

IMPACT IS NOT INTENTION.

Leading w/ Compassion.

What are some ways you feel when encountering someone in distress?

What are some ways you react? (answers from audience: reach out, hug, avoid, send money..).

Connecting with others.

Empathy => Empathic Distress: We feel uncomfortable with how we feel around somebody, and we want to fix their problem. Often accompanied by taking on what other people are experiencing… It can lead to poor health & burnout.

Compassion => Approach & pro-social motivation, good health.

Compassion may be defined as: “The capacity to be attentive to the experience of others, to wish the best for others, and to sense what will truly serve others.” – Roshi Joan Halifax

There’s not a stock response for compassion – sometimes it’s leaning in, sometimes it’s backing off, something it’s speaking up, sometimes it’s keeping quiet.

Really meeting another human being, fully = VERY POWERFUL

“Let’s solve the problem first, and then come back to the way it was handled / communicated.”

Compassion can feel very warm & soft & loving, but also very strong.

The more attentive, the more compassionate..

If somebody is really struggling in their role, it’s not compassionate to not address it. But rather to have the difficult conversation.

Emotional skills are trainable.

Mindfulness develops self-awareness that enables all domains.

Self-Awareness: Pay attention to the body, from existential to experiential.

Moving from Compulsion => Choice.

WHAT WOULD BE OF SERVICE?

Sometimes it’s ours to do.

Sometimes it’s not ours to do.

28 Day Challenge. Accountability Buddy.

Good Reads:

Real Happiness at Work

Altered Traits

The Emotional Life Of Your Brain

Mindfulness for Beginners.

Search Inside Yourself

Closing Circle End to our beautiful Institute; I feel broken open. And filled with hope, joy, and gratitude for the gift of this work, and the company of these incredible individuals. Thank you, thank you, thank you. Deep Waist Bows 🙏🏽 ❤️ 💫

From the SIYLI Site:

*We consider the content of SIY "open source" and you are free to use the ideas and exercises that you've learned in the program and share them with your friends, colleagues and community. You are not able to call your program "Search Inside Yourself"-- that name is trademarked and only used for the exact program that SIYLI offers at Google and beyond.”

Day 2 Photo Recap:

Search Inside Yourself 2017: Day 1: My Notes

Search Inside Yourself 2017: My Experience In Photographs

Search Inside Yourself 2017: “Open Source” Content

SIY - Can’t Wait!

#siyli #seachinsideyourself #futureswithoutviolence #lindacurtis #brandonrennels #SFUSD #WereSFUSD #WeAreAlsoSFUSD #wisdom2conf #jakey #toor #jakeytoor #jakeyinsf

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iuniverseblog · 8 years ago

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Tom McKinley’s New Book Gives Career Guidance to Teens

Veteran iUniverse author Tom McKinley returns with his new book, Make the Right Decisions Early. Here’s Tom to tell us more about his book and inspiration.

Please tell us about your book . . .

Make the Right Decisions Early: Wisdom for Pre-College Students and Other Teens provides advice to teens on majors, colleges, and careers. It is a self-help book, and is as much a book for teens as it is for their parents. The book is designed to give high-school students the information necessary to facilitate a smooth entry into the working world after college graduation. Primarily, this means studying majors that will lead directly to jobs.

What inspired you to write your book?

Quite simply, it was seeing the thousands of college students that graduate every year and who then are unemployed, unemployable, or employed but in a job that does not provide them with a comfortable financial future. This is because of the majors which they have chosen: generally, liberal arts majors which do not impress employers. The old advice of “Go to college and major in whatever you want” is extremely outdated, and even dangerous.

In my book, I describe the salary threshold for people who want to live a life that is financially comfortable. Those who earn less than this amount will struggle. Those who earn more than this amount will have the pleasures of having a disposable income, and will not be stressing and worrying about money all the time.

The way to get this salary, and well above, is to choose a major which leads to a job that will pay it. I identify the majors that lead to financially-rewarding jobs, and also have a separate chapter on Careers. I’ve done research for readers to show them which careers are hot.

Another aspect I touch upon is colleges. Too many high school students focus on getting into a “good” college, not realizing that their choice of major is far more important than their choice of a college.

What is one message you would like to convey to your readers?

Before you go to college, you should know what type of career you want, and it should be one that is numbers-based. The point of college is to prepare you for your financial future, which means that you need to think of college as a stepping stone to a job and a career. Don’t choose a major that doesn’t lead directly to a career. I guide you through all of this in my book. At 120 pages, it’s something you can read in a day or two, and which won’t interfere with your studies.

Make the Right Decisions Early also contains chapters on the social, psychological, and health aspects of these years of one’s life. I discuss how to keep oneself strong and healthy, both mentally and physically, and how to deal with depression and anxiety. In this section, I used some of the observations I made in my previous book, Winning the Fight to Be Happy (also published by iU), while modifying them for a teen audience.

How would you describe your publishing experience?

I’d like to thank the staff at iUniverse for being extremely professional and efficient. As with my last book, they had all the answers to my questions, and got the inside layout and front cover exactly as I had envisioned them.

Make sure to check out the iUniverse site for more advice and blogs, as well as iUniverse Facebook and iUniverse Twitter. For a FREE Publishing Guide, click here!

#iUniverse #iUniverse Blog #iUniverse Publishing

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