#enjoy some stupid domestic boys and their dogs in the meantime

[clumsyclifford]

pls can i ask for “I don’t know how to respond to that” if it moves you? with you know WHO my boys my guys 🥰 love you!!!!

here you are meg some lashton for you 🙂 just kidding can you imagine anyway here are your boys your guys their dogs etc

read here on ao3

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Petunia is whining when Calum gets home. Luke is handling it, honestly, but as soon as the door makes a noise she’s off like a rocket, bounding towards Calum as he enters the house. Luke watches the two of them fondly for a moment. Duke materialises from nowhere and joins the greeting party.

“Hey,” Luke says. “If dogs had the ability to talk, would you want them to be able to? Or do you think that’d just make things harder for us?”

Calum looks up at him. “English?”

“Sorry?”

“Would they speak English?”

Luke blinks. “I don’t know how to respond to that.”

“A lot of dogs are native to non-English-speaking countries,” Calum says, and peers into Duke’s face. “Isn’t that right, Prince Duke? Isn’t it? Aren’t you a good boy? Are you? Are you an excellent little man?”

“Yes, English,” Luke says. “I mean if we could communicate with them.”

“We can communicate with them.” A kiss to Petunia’s head. She almost knocks Calum out of his crouch in her scramble for affection.

“Talk to them,” Luke says, rising from the couch. “In English. And if they could talk back.”

“What if they could only communicate via typewriter? Like Snoopy?”

“Or Dog With A Blog?”

“The fuck is that?”

“Some TV show?” Which is about as much as Luke knows about it. “I dunno, I’ve just heard of it. I assume it’s a dog that has a blog.”

“How do you know the dog can’t talk?”

“If the dog can talk, what’s it need a blog for?”

Luke stares. “Well humans can talk, but we make blogs.”

Calum nods slowly at him. “Connect the dots, Luke, you’re so close.”

Luke rolls his eyes. “How was work?”

Finally Calum gets up. Duke continues to trip at his heel, but as soon as he’s not in petting mode Petunia loses interest. She traipses back to the couch, where Luke gives her an unimpressed look. “What, now you want my attention again? After you just whored yourself out to Calum?”

Calum laughs. “Work was okay,” he says. “I had a lot of meetings, though. Getting pretty tired of meetings. Feels like we just sit around talking about all the things that need to get done and wasting all the time we could be using to do those things. I swear half the meetings I sit through could just as easily have been emails.”

“That sounds excruciating,” Luke says, like he’d know. “Though, to be fair, emails are also excruciating.”

“Yeah, but they’re over so much faster,” Calum mutters. “And if I’m really not feeling it, I can just ignore them.”

Luke nods. “Good points, good points. Anyway, I think in the long run it would only make life harder if dogs could speak English.”

“It’d certainly make life harder for all the non-English speakers,” Calum agrees, shuffling over the carpet to Luke. He draws Luke into a kiss. “By the way, how was your day?”

“Oh, you know,” Luke says, smiling the way he can never help but do when Calum kisses him. Years of conditioning have made it a reflex: Calum kisses him, Luke smiles. They could be lost at sea and on the brink of death, but if Calum kissed him goodbye Luke would die with a smile, and that’s a strangely reassuring thing to know.

“I don’t know,” Calum says, smiling back. “That’s why I asked.”

“I took the kids to the dog park,” Luke says, gesturing to indicate Petunia and Duke. “You know, I think Duke has a crush on this other dog who’s always there when we are. His name is Cliff.”

“Duke doesn’t have crushes,” Calum says dismissively. “He’s an old man. He’s past his prime.”

“I don’t think he knows that. I’m telling you, he’s sweet on Cliff.”

“Cliff,” Calum repeats. “Well, is he cute?”

Luke laughs. “Yes, he’s adorable.”

“I want to meet him.”

“Who, Cliff?”

“Yeah, I never get to go to the dog park with you guys,” Calum says, frowning. “I’m always at work.”

“That’s what you get for having an office job,” Luke says sympathetically. He pats Calum’s shoulder and smiles when Calum’s frown grows dramatically deeper. “Hey, I’d love for you to come to the dog park with us. Maybe we can go on Saturday. I’m not sure Cliff will be there but I’m sure the kids would love it.”

“I like that you call them the kids,” Calum says with a laugh. “Do you say that to real people, too? Do you explain that you’re talking about dogs?”

“Oh, no, I just wait for them to figure it out,” Luke says. “It was actually really funny, today at the dog park — today! — I was chatting with this lady I had never seen there before and she was saying, you know, ‘It’s such a beautiful day,’ and I said, ‘Yeah, I come here a lot with the kids,’ and she was like, ‘Oh really, how many do you have?’ and, you know, ‘My girls are ten and twelve,’ and all this stuff.”

Calum laughs. He unlaces his shoes and throws them askew by the door, then heads for the bedroom, presumably to change out of his work suit and into civilian clothes. In Luke's eyes, Calum is living a double life. Luke is just a regular old civilian, while Calum is a superhero known as Man With Nine To Five Job whose civilian alter ego is being Luke's husband. It's like reverse moonlighting; he’s Man With Job during the day, and civilian Calum at nights. It makes Luke's life significantly more exciting to think this way.

“Did she ever figure out that you were talking about the dogs?”

“Honestly, I don’t think so,” Luke says, trailing into the bedroom after Calum. Duke follows behind him and curls up by the foot of the bed. “She got a phone call and that was the end of the conversation.”

Calum turns around, loose tie hanging over his unbuttoned shirt. “So there’s some random lady out there who thinks you have kids,” he says, bemused. “That’s great.”

“I like to sow as many seeds of disharmony as I can,” Luke says seriously. “Spread as many conflicting rumours about my life as possible.”

“I should start doing that at the office,” Calum muses. “They know I’m married, but I don’t think I’ve ever mentioned having dogs. Or children, for that matter.”

“If you did have children, don’t you think you would have mentioned it by now?”

“Maybe not.” Calum says with a vague shrug. “Maybe they’re new. Or maybe I’m just a private guy.”

“Are you?”

Calum shrugs again. “Yeah, probably not. But whatever. Might try it anyway just to see what people say.”

“I’m all for that,” Luke says. “I love conducting social experiments on people without their consent.”

Calum laughs and pulls a t-shirt over his head. He swaps out his slacks for a pair of jeans and exhales. "This is the best. I love this. This is my favourite part of every day.”

“Putting on civilian clothes?”

“I get home and I’m immediately greeted by the canine welcoming committee,” Calum says, indicating Duke with a wave of the hand. “And then I get to see you, and you tell me about your day, and you ask me if I think dogs should be able to speak English, and I get to change out of my work clothes and be comfortable and be home.” He strolls over to Luke with a smile, taking both of Luke’s hands in his own. “Yeah, I don’t know. It’s just nice to come home to all of this. I love you.”

A feeling of serenity washes over Luke, like waves lapping at the shore. “I love you too.”

He’s smiling even before Calum kisses him this time.

“For what it’s worth, this is my favourite part of the day, too,” he adds softly when Calum pulls away. “You think I want to be talking to strangers in the dog park about my fake children that I don’t have? I miss you.”

Calum tugs at a curl that’s fallen over Luke’s face. “Yeah, well, do you think I want to be in a thousand meetings a day? I miss you too.”

“At least you’ve got people to talk to.”

Calum hums. “I mean, I can’t argue with that. I do have people to talk to.”

Luke steps away, out of the bedroom. As he’s moving down the hallway, Calum close behind, he turns around and adds, “See, if the dogs could speak English…”

“I thought you were against dogs speaking English!”

“I’d be against it if you worked from home.”

Calum laughs. “Better get the kids on Duolingo then.” He’s giggling as he stumbles past Luke to get to the kitchen and almost trips over Petunia in his haste. “Fuck!”

“See,” Luke says, grinning, “if they could speak English that never would’ve happened.”

Calum rolls his eyes affectionately. “I think you need an office job.”

“Yeah, right,” Luke says, sliding into Calum’s space. He presses a kiss to Calum’s lips. “Dream on.”

A smile stretches over Calum’s face like it always does after Luke kisses him, and Luke thinks he could live and die like this and never want for anything.