#enjoy socialising or eye contact lol. and who cares!

[cliveguy]

i think the thing about anxiety is that people said they had it as teenagers because they got anxious sometimes and now that they've 'outgrown it' they see anyone who struggles socially / has visible anxiety symptoms as immature for not being able to do the same

[maximuswolf]

Finally diagnosed and medicated. If you’re browsing this sub, wondering if you have it, then please read. via /r/ADHD

Finally diagnosed and medicated. If you’re browsing this sub, wondering if you have it, then please read.

WARNING: post got long. TLDR, doing something about the way I’ve felt for all my life has been the best decision I’ve ever made. Even if you have the slightest inkling you have ADHD, go see someone. It’s never too late in your life.

I just wanted to share my experience over the last few weeks with others here concerning my ADHD - Inattentive diagnosis. I have had such a good week that on several occasions I’ve almost cried out of happiness. Something I thought was dumb and could never comprehend before this week.

For reference, I am a 29 year old man based in Australia and work in education. I have always been incredibly disorganised, supremely forgetful, walk away from conversations wondering wtf we just talked about and make many stupid and obvious mistakes throughout the day. Something Ive always felt super weird about was my lack of any sort of memories from primary school (years 1-7) and even early high school. Turns out it is common amongst those with ADHD. My house is a mess, driving my poor fiancé crazy. She’s a beautiful person who is overworked and has had to deal with my BS for the past seven and a half years.

Professionally, it was incredibly embarrassing when I would forget to follow up on something I promised, a regular occurrence. Similarly, not having convictions when speaking with or in front of people for fear of forgetting my talking points made me feel weak and dumb. But the the thing that affected me most, that really affected me to my core, was the brain fog. Come 11am, I was cognitively a zombie. My students wouldn’t get the help they deserved. Anything I was told would be acknowledged, but gone the instant the conversation stopped. I did everything I could, including cutting as many corners as possible without drawing attention to myself to leave at the earliest possible time. I thought at the time, “I work my friggin arse off here, I deserve to leave on time”. In hindsight, I wanted to get home to play video games, and usually just ended up on the couch doing nothing. Compared to my peers, I didn’t do that much. To be succinct, I knew I wasn’t reaching my potential, I wanted to reach my potential, but couldn’t bring myself to change my behaviours.

To get an ADHD diagnosis here, you must visit your General Practitioner, and they will refer you to a psychiatrist. Miraculously, on a whim I made myself make an appointment. I think it had something to do with my dad’s Myeloma diagnosis. The day I went with him to his bone marrow biopsy, he looked my in the eye and said “look after your teeth better, shave your neck more often. You’re nearly 30, get your shit together (lol)”.

So, I booked myself in. My GP is incredible, noted everything I said, and agreed that this points towards ADHD, presenting as inattentive. She listed 4 psychs who specialise in ADHD. I booked in with one, and was met with a 9 week wait list. It sucked, but I said I’d deal. I’ve gone the last 7 years in this profession, I can last another 9 weeks. I received a call 2 weeks later as there was a cancellation, and I was in the next day.

I met with the psychiatrist. He was a straight down the line doctor, listened to what I had to say, accepted it all and had me take a few tests. He didn’t necessarily focus on building a relationship, but clearly wanted to build a picture of what my life has been like. I sort of appreciated the way the emotion was left out of the conversation. He showed me some videos and had me take a few tests. We discussed treatment, and he said Dexamfetamine Sulfate would be the most affective for my symptoms. He asked me to come back in a week, told me to go pee in a cup and slapped me with a $445 bill (but $210 back, cheers socialised health care!), but I felt great after. The wheels were finally in motion.

I went down to pee in the cup. Waited 45 minutes and couldn’t pee. The old dear in the corner of the room sort of put me off a bit. I tried my best but couldn’t make it happen. I apologised and said I’d be back tomorrow to try again. I scurried out of the room, not making eye-contact with the staff out of embarrassment. The next day, I stopped peeing at 12pm. I sipped water all afternoon and headed to the lab at about 3. The whole drive I was shifting in my seat, my bladder about to explode. I made it, peed in a cup (she made me wait while she filled out the paperwork slower than a 5 year old) and that was that!

I went to my appointment the following weekend and discussed a treatment plan with the psychiatrist. He put me on a plan to ramp up my dosage. I would be taking 30mg a day eventually, with freedom to take up to 40 if needed. The first day was a Sunday. I took one 5mg tablet at 7am. By 12 o’clock that day, my house was clean, I had my weekly planner done for work, and had walked my dog. I couldn’t believe it, I actually enjoyed finishing my house work and schoolwork. This has to be a placebo effect, right? My fiancé couldn’t believe her eyes. I am sure she appreciated it though!

The next day at work, I took 5mg again at 7am and 5mg again at 12.30pm. I got to work, and I was filled with something I hadn’t felt in a long, long time. A complete and total sense of calm. I knew what I was doing that day. And I did it. I got asked questions by my bosses. I answered them and had some friendly banter. I wrote 10 emails to parents of children who needed a meeting. And I freaking loved every second of it.

This continued throughout the week as I built my dosage up. I have never worked as hard as I have this week. And I have never enjoyed my job this much. I just can’t wait to tick things off my mental list. I have a complete sense of calm where there was only anxiety before. My students are achieving way more than they were before. I’ve had colleagues and friends come to me and say they are so happy that I am walking around whistling and conversing with everyone. I love talking to people and feel like I can hold my own. And I have ideas now! It’s crazy, I’m coming up with ways I can improve my practice and trying to implement them. I have said to myself multiple times now “holy shit, is this how normal people feel?”.

It’s been a week, and I expect things to normalise eventually. But it has shown me what I am capable of. I can do my job well. I can hold my own in my profession. I get started on tasks immediately now. I mean, I sat down and typed this post! Two weeks ago I would have started it and deleted it all at the half way point. This feeling is just pure elation. I feel like I have meaning in my mundane tasks now, and finishing them gives me more satisfaction than I could have ever imagined.

If any of what I have said resonates with you, follow up on it. You owe it to yourself to reach your potential. See whoever you need to see to make it happen. It’s worth any cost, and it’s never too late in your life.

Submitted August 08, 2020 at 01:03AM by ADecentReacharound via reddit https://ift.tt/30EaLPd

[falconemuses]

One Last Original Content(TM) Post Before I Migrate To The “Diary-Only” Blog

in case the title is misleading, i ought to clarify that i’m still keeping this blog open, just that it’ll only be for reblogs, while all personal text stuff will be in Falcone Chronicles. (it’s still empty at the moment.) easier to find shit that way. anyway, i thought i should probably give an update on my current life situation, since the last time i wrote at length i think was pre-moving, and stuff was all dicey back then so i’m afraid i might have inadvertently caused people to worry because of the (relative) radio silence. i mean, i do reblog stuff so clearly you know i’m still alive, but probably you might be wondering about everything else i said i was doing/going to do. a bit egoistic of me to assume that the affairs of my life are cause for interest to anyone else, but, well, on more than one occasion i’ve found out that my existence apparently meant more to someone else than i thought it did, and it was really awkward and everything but anyway, the point is, i guess i’ll just be on the safe side and give an update so nobody worries. probably better to be perceived as narcissistic than to accidentally freak somebody out making them wonder indefinitely what the fuck happened to me.

in summary, 3 things happened: a) i graduated from university b) i got a job c) i moved out of my parents’ house technically i start work in august, but i list it in that order because i got the job offer before i moved out, so to my mind that comes first chronologically. so....that’s why i haven’t been writing very consistently in july. there was a lot of stuff going on, pre-work health checkup, two graduations - two (2)!!! i didn’t want to go for either of them, but you know how asian parents get with their kids’ achievements. i figured since i’m already being an unfilial child and moving out of their house and paying some random landlord rent instead of giving them the rent money (i’m still giving them money, just not as much as i could have if i wasn’t also paying rent), i might as well just give them this one pleasure. there’s free food at the ceremonies, anyway, so i saved on two days of food. they’re going to both of my brother’s graduations as well. and yes, that apostrophe is in the correct place. i have one brother. he has two (2) degrees as well. we are overachieving siblings. i pity my sister. maybe by the time she’s old enough for university she’ll be pressured into taking 3.

so.....that’s what i’ve been doing for the past month! enjoying independent life. everything’s.....pretty good so far. i didn’t get as much done as i’d envisioned i would before the move, but that’s fine, i guess. i wrongly assumed i’d have the entire july to draw and write and compose but uhhhh nope there was graduation(s) and there was pre-work health checkup and there was graduation photoshoot and there was me being an idiot and signing up for a career focus group even though i already have a job secured. i did get $20 for participating, so LOL. for a while i attempted to SocialiseTM by joining this “art journaling” club in which you meet every monday night and draw stuff according to a theme the group leader will suggest, and then after you draw you share about the stuff, but uhhh.........nope. HAHA. the point was really to try and become more......i don’t want to say “neurotypical”, because that makes it sound like i’m not - uhhhhh, i don’t know how to explain this - i wanted to be “perfect”. like connor the android from dbh. “my appearance and voice were specifically designed to enhance my integration with humans”/ “i can be whatever you want me to be, lieutenant. your partner, your buddy to drink with, or just a machine, accomplishing a task.” i wanted to be the Model Citizen, “always accomplish(ing) my mission”. and like, i have my academics, i have my music, i have my art - but my social skills.......are shit, to put it bluntly. and like that’s been the biggest problem in my life. that’s why i gave up law to go into scientific research. the workload doesn’t faze me, it’s the social aspect of the law industry that scares me. like, my friends who are working now, they have to go to their bosses’ CNY parties?!?!?! i will just die, okay??! in the lab, i don’t have to worry about the appropriate amount of eye contact to make. i don’t have to make small talk. i don’t have to worry about body language because i’ll just be hunched over my microscope and my specimens all day long. my boss and colleagues won’t care if i can’t understand their jokes over drinks nights. and.....i’m really, really happy to have this job, don’t get me wrong, it is like, 90-95% of the way to an ideal situation already (the ideal situation would be a microbiology or genomic lab, not radiobiology, but what even are the odds of getting exactly what you want? this is already as close to perfect as possible, and i’m really glad for it.) but sometimes i feel like a failure, giving up on a lucrative career because i didn’t want to put the effort into improving my social skills. but then again, i moved out because i didn’t wanna act for my parents, so why the hell should i have to act for strangers? so i decided, fuck it, i’m gonna just - be me, i guess. i’m gonna do whatever the fuck weird things i wanna do so long as they don’t hurt anybody. if i wanna eat the same fucking thing every day imma do it. if i wanna sit at my computer and rewatch a 3-second clip of a cat saying “nooooo” for hours on end i’mma do it. if i don’t wanna hang out i shan’t hang out. i’m done trying to please everyone. i earned my freedom (well, technically still paying for it, i have SO MUCH STUDENT LOANS :O) and i’m gonna spend it damn well how i please. it ain’t illegal nor morally wrong to sit at home and stare at fish all day.

that.....turned into a bit of a weird rant there, but it’s not too overly emotional or depressing so i guess i’ll leave it up, lol. anyway, there you go, that’s what i’ve been up to. see you in the other blog, if you wanna read about my personal life. if not, well - see you in this one, in which i just reblog stuff? lmao. BAI.