#enbycrush saga

[wildweirdly]

Long ramble about going to the fair

Yesterday I went to the fair with my crush and I kinda feel guilty about how things went cause I spent most of it being overwhelmed and full of dread about the situation between me and my girlfriend. They offered me weed and I ended up getting pretty blasted (which helped at first) but then it started making things difficult to navigate so I kinda regret smoking. On top of that, I kept tossing affection at them because I do love them and it had been a while since I'd seen them, which unfortunately just wasn't great for them since they were already feeling overwhelmed by the sheer number of people there. By the end of it I was such a ball of nerves that I nearly cried on the bus. And like not being able to enjoy myself fully felt bad cause I had been looking forward to going to the fair with them for a while... I just wish I had a better grip on my anxiety but things keep happening that have been triggering and stressful

[wildweirdly]

Listen, I love my crush a lot and I think they're a good person but when it comes to getting back to me about planning things they are kind of the worst

[wildweirdly]

Long, under the cut, ect.

The contrast between the way my crushes interact with me is stark.

On one hand you have "Emma" (girl crush) who's been talking to me every day since we last saw each other and has been actively planning on meeting again next week

Then you have "Text" (enby crush) who I haven't seen in at least a month and hasn't talked to me again since I poured my heart out yesterday.

And in my heart I know I just have to be patient and I'll hear from them again but it's a fight not to take the silence personally (despite knowing better).

It just sucks to have to sit with the quiet like this, yanno? Makes me feel like shit...I've worked so hard on trying to be better than this but it feels like I haven't gotten anywhere

[wildweirdly]

This is gonna be a long one so I'm putting it under the cut. Also I'll be referring to the person in question under the pseudonym "Text" for anonymity purposes.

Text is a poet/author I met through a friend that I met through my first ex. As far as I know they're unpublished but to be honest it's been a while since we've talked about their writing. Anyway, I've known Text for maybe a year or so now and what I learned fairly early is that they're somewhat reclusive and it takes them a very long time to respond. Knowing myself, this didn't bode well (it still doesn't, in a way). I have major anxiety issues that don't play well with lack of responses. I've gotten better over time, but I still struggle.

Anyway, I knew almost right away that I really liked them and so I eventually ended up meeting them in person. One thing lead to another and eventually I developed a love for them. (This I usually refer to as a "crush" even though it's much deeper.) We aren't partners but we've both said "I love you" before (multiple times) and we've spent some time together (not as much as I'd like, but still)

Recently I met my other crush (I'll call her "Emma") and after developing feelings for her as well I took a step back and decided to really think about my situation. Before too long I had entered a "situationship" with her as well, one that left me equally if not even more confused.

Overall I spend a lot of my time feeling lonely and I've tried fixing that issue in all sorts of ways, none of them working quite as well as getting to be around people I love. However, the thing about the situations with my crushes is I often don't know exactly where I stand, leaving me feeling unwanted and unimportant. Eventually this coupled with my loneliness culminated in my mini breakdown yesterday where I felt like I was going to die of misery. (Note: hyperbole)

I approached both Emma and Text about my situation, and at first Text was responding. Things took a bit of a turn and I went deeper into what was bothering me and after that they stopped responding. Since then I haven't heard anything from them.

Lack of responses and dealing with Text are a packaged deal as far as I can tell, so I've been working hard to not let it bother me but the recent situation has gotten itself lodged into my psyche. I try to not take things personally but it's extremely painful to be in a void of uncertainty, especially about matters of the heart. I think very highly of Text and that's not subject to change but I also feel like I need to do something for myself so I stop feeling so destroyed...I haven't figured out what yet, unfortunately.

Overall I think Text would be very upset if they saw this so I feel bad writing it up but I don't want to have to sit here with all this in my brain anymore

[wildweirdly]

I ended up telling my crushes how I was feeling about everything last night. One actually talked to me about things and the other hasn't responded at all yet. I'd like to assume that they're busy or they don't know how to respond but it's hard not to assume they're just gonna leave me on read as per usual.

I don't like talking about them on here because I don't think they'd be thrilled to know I'm speaking about them at all, even if it was in a positive manner, but I feel like I need to get the whole situation off my chest so I can breathe again

[wildweirdly]

The difference between me and my crush when it comes to intelligence is always funny to me

For example, tonight they're reading another philosophical type text and I'm over here thinking about Bob the Builder and shit

[wildweirdly]

EPIC WIN: got called "based" by my crush for meowing at work

[wildweirdly]

I currently have two crushes (not counting my partner). I was supposed to see one of them tonight but they had to cancel, and my other crush happened to be in town so I got to see her for a bit instead. We ended playing Katamari and cuddling, it was really really nice