#emotionally working really hard after they've finished the story

[hollyethecurious]

CS WIP Wednesday Challenge - Week 2

Week 2

👵 Your oldest posted WIP (can you even remember what year it was when that one first went up?)

So, when I read this week's challenge... I cringed.

Why, you may ask?

Because my oldest posted WIP is one I've pretty much given up on. In fact, I have two unfinished WIPS that, at the moment, I have pretty much written off and have resigned myself to the probability of never finishing. I completely lost steam on them and have zero intentions of trying to muster up any inspiration for them when I have other stories I am actively passionate about.

You have no idea how much it pains me to say that, but that's the truth of the matter and I'm really sorry to disappoint any of you who were hoping I might get back to them during this challenge.

That said... I do have one unfinished, posted fic that I am actively working on and that I focused my efforts towards updating this past week.

Pan Says...

I am thrilled to report that the next chapter is finished and is currently being looked over by my betas. As soon as they've gone over it, I will share it with all of you.

I also wanted to share that in addition to Pan Says... I've been hard at work on my CS Grimm AU for the @cssns, and added roughly 11k words on it this week! I can't wait to share it with y'all!

I want to thank @captainswanwipwednesdays once again for putting this challenge together, and appreciate all the love, support, and patience y'all have shown us struggling authors.

Enjoy this snippet from Part Nine of Pan Says... and be on the look out for the full chapter, which will be posting soon!

“I don’t know who you are, or what sort of game you’re playing at, but this isn’t funny!” Emma glanced at the monitor overhead, the timer quickly counting down the minutes she had left to try and convince David that she was really Emma, that she was alive, and in need of his help. “David Robert Nolan, shut the fuck up and listen to me!” she yelled over the receiver. “What did you just call me?” “I called you by your full government name,” she said. “David Robert, after your father, Nolan. Or would you prefer I call you Charming like Mary Margaret does?” “How do you know--” “Because it’s me, David! It’s Emma! I’m alive and I need your help!” “Emma?” he questioned over the line, the hope she knew he wasn’t sure he should dare to feel leaking into his tone. “Is it really you? How? Where are you? Where have you been? Who did they pull out of the--” “Just listen, okay?” she interrupted as the time rapidly dwindled. “I don’t know who that woman was or how he faked my death, but I was abducted three weeks ago by someone who calls himself Pan. I was taken from outside the police station after dropping off a skip. I was tasered. I’m here with a man named Captain Killian Jones. He has a brother named Liam, who also was led to believe that Killian was missing for reasons other than kidnapping. I need you to find him. He’ll be trying to get a hold of you, because Killian just called him, too, and let him know what’s been going on.” She flicked her gaze to Killian, still looking shell-shocked from the emotionally charged conversation he’d had with his brother. He’d wanted to stay by her side whilst she made her call, but she’d told him to go sit and take a moment. They’d be there for one another later. It was why they’d chosen to wait and make these calls before turning in for the night. So they could just lay in bed and hold each other in the aftermath. “What has been going on?” David demanded, bringing Emma’s focus back to her brother. “Why would this Pan person take you? What has he… are you alright? Has he hurt you? Did you escape, is that why you’re calling now? Do I need to come get--” “No, we haven’t escaped. We… we sort of… earned a reward. Look. It’s too much to explain right now. I’m going to give you some specs of the place we’re being held in. Write them down so you can give them to the police.” Emma waited as David searched for a pen and paper, her heart thudding wildly in her chest as the timer continued to draw closer to zero.

My ao3 | ff.net | buy me a coffee | add to tag list | Curious? Come Ask Me!

[k--havok]

sorry ive been dead for the past week+ a LOT has happened again so complaining under the cut i suppose.

2024 keeps giving me whiplash and it's like I cannot get a break. I finished my TMS therapy finally and like. I have no idea if I am doing better or not but at least its over with. I'm dreaming again which is nice. And I finally got my sleeping pills back but I've been off them for so long that I now have to readjust to them and its been kinda difficult. Pair that with all the sleep debt I've accumulated and it's been a bit rough. At the very least this is the first weekend I've had in over a month where I have not been taking 3 hour long naps every day so that's good.

What's not good is the fact my estranged aunt on my dad's side of the family died in what looks to be an OD. Horrible way to go. I was not close to her at all as my dad's side of the family is certifiably nuts and I want nothing to do with them, but now there's an issue with inheritance regarding my aunt. Her older sister, and my other aunt, is supposed to contact me regarding said inheritance as its supposed to be 50/50 but she has not yet. Which is no surprise really as she is a very greedy person and will try and cut me out of whatever I am owed. So I may have to get a lawyer or something. Idk. My mom is going to help me out with this but this is just another headache I will have to deal with. Luckily, due to the TMS therapy, my anxiety is managed so I'm not panicking about this yet but. Still. I just want this to be over with.

My patients at work have also been difficult. Not personality wise but they've just been so complicated. They come to us half-dead on their last legs and it's heartbreaking but with all the comorbidities I can only do so much to help them. I ain't jesus and I cannot perform miracles. I get home from work and just pass out in bed since I'm so emotionally and mentally drained. It doesn't help that I've found out that some of my previous patients have died not long after seeing them and I really do not need to know that. I do not need existential dread at 2:00 AM while staring at brain waves.

Aaand I've just. Been trying to rest I think. I've been so stressed out these past few months that the little brain power I have left over has been going to video games, cooking, and managing my kitten. Writing has been pushed out of the way which is sad as I do have ideas and think about my blorbos often. But I cannot seem to put any of that mental energy into like. Actually fleshing out their stories. Instead I think about stupid shit or smut which is lovely but unhelpful.

Hopefully I'll come back from this mini hiatus soon. Sometimes an epiphany will hit me like a train and I'll jump in feet-first back into writing and interacting here. But it may take a while, as I am an extreme introvert and it's hard for me to interact with more than one or two people at a time.

I'll just. Continue to work on it through therapy and hopefully that will help me along.

[triviareads]

ARC Review of You Should Be So Lucky by Cat Sebastian

Rating: 4/5 Heat Level: 3/5 Publication Date: May 7th

Premise:

A queer midcentury romance set in the 1960s; Mark Bailey is assigned to do a series of interviews with Eddie O'Leary, once a rising star in baseball and now contending with an infamous batting slump.

My review:

Cat Sebastian wrote yet another beautifully tender love story where all these little moments add up in a way that never fails to tug at my heartstrings. And I don't say that lightly.

Mark is a prickly reporter for the Arts and Culture section of the Chronicle who somehow gets assigned to do a profile on Eddie O'Leary, Midwestern transplant, once-wunderkind, now in the middle of a months-long batting slump. Eddie is brash and charming and often acts before thinking, but he's so endearing that you can't help but root for him, just like all of New York City, and eventually Mark too.

So, a lot of the book is about Eddie's batting slump, but it isn't the main plot, per say. Cat Sebastian draws these intricate portraits of a handful of characters that give you the sense that these people are a work in progress even when the book is finished— just like people in real life. You really feel the full extent of Mark's loneliness after his partner passed away the year prior, his conflicting feelings about being treated like a dirty secret even as they loved one another, and his inability to mourn openly— Mark's shock when an old mentor at the Chronicle likens Mark's grief to his own when his wife passed is palpable, and that hit me hard.

What I like about Eddie is that he may be quick to jump into a fight or trash talk a team, and he has an almost ridiculous sense of optimism, but he's never portrayed as naive, despite his age (twenty-two!!) and whatever his teammates and even Mark initially assume. He knows his own mind and actually ends up pushing for his and Mark's relationship when Mark is unsure about his own heart, and worried for Eddie's career prospects.

Emotionally, this book feels like a slow-burn because Mark isn't willing to go all-in the way you get the sense Eddie is ready to much sooner. But this is one of those cases where actions speak louder than words and you see it in these little moments of domesticity like when Eddie buys Mark breakfast and they walk the dog together, and how Eddie delights in Mark's fussy perfectionism and Mark is reluctantly charmed by Eddie's sense of hope; basically, they're inevitable even when they don't think so.

I liked that this was a queer romance that wasn't centered around a gay awakening, or the homophobia and bigotry queer people experience. Mark and Eddie are both comfortable with their sexuality, and they never let their worries about being out (or as out as someone could safely be in the sixties) turn inwards into self-loathing. Outside of Mark's queer friends, the vast majority of secondary characters inhibit this middle-ground where some of them know to an extent what's going on between Mark and Eddie, or it's a gamble to come out to them so Mark and Eddie take risks where it matters, but otherwise don't.

There is something of a third-act break-up, but it's kind of half-hearted because Mark does a hilariously shitty job of the breaking-up part, and Eddie is unwilling to let go. And that's heartening in a way because nothing can separate these two.

The sex:

Super romantic, super tender and the payoff after all their tip-toeing around their feelings is worth it. There's also an element of exploration that I thought really worked, because while they've both had sex before, Eddie especially is still trying to figure out what he likes, and there's an openness between them that you get the sense wasn't possible for Eddie before.

I will say, while there are multiple open-door sex scenes, the language gets a little more vague when they're having sex, and the writing focuses more on what they're saying and feeling, as opposed to exactly what they're doing. That doesn't mean it's less hot, it's just a little less explicit. There are also a couple instances where there are breaks in the writing between foreplay and post-coital.

Overall:

This is such a soft love story set in a period I don't see often in historical romances, and I adored both Eddie and Mark. I'd absolutely recommend this book to every romance reader out there, and for any reader in particular looking for a romance that slowly but surely packs an emotional punch.

Thank you to Avon Books and NetGalley for an advanced copy of this book in exchange for my honest review.

[blocksruinedme]

After I got a comment today and spontaneously thanked the commentor aloud by name, I think I'm going to do that going forward! I believe what we say aloud has a real effect on us, positive or negative, and I could use anything to help me get out of the (at least now medium/low level) depression I've been in since January. (I'm going to try meditating too.)

I always read my daily kudos emails, and I read every name and check to see if they kudos's more than one work that day (and if it's familiar name I give an extra smile, and sometimes I search my email to see if they've kudosed before. If you kudos, it always touches my life a little! Kudos, and especially comments, really do a lot for me when I'm down, letting me know I've done some small good in the world. So thank you to everyone who has left something - and everyone who will. If you've read or listened to something more than once, PLEASE TELL ME, I have zero way to know, all I know if I have more hits that didn't turn into more kudos.

I can barely believe how many kudos and comments I've gotten over here, I've been in fandom for a long time, only writing for the yuletide exchange once a year (and i stopped years ago), and I didn't think I'd ever write regularly, let alone have multiple stories with more than 100 kudos. I'm so lucky!!!

Seriously it's amazing that I've touched anyone, and I hope I can continue to. It's been very very hard emotionally to not be able to get anything finished and published for almost two months, but I've got a long weekend and I'm really hoping I can change that and get back on track! It's absurd how many stories I have at 70-90% done.

So, again, thank you to everyone who has ever given me some dopamine from kudos and comments. an emoji or a key smash or a "aaaaaaaaaa" is a beloved comment. Unless you are negative about my story, or complain about updating, or say something negative about another story, I will be pleased!

Something I found on Twitter that really puts things in perspective as a creator.

[not-poignant]

pia I just finished the ice plague how are you so good at writing satisfying endings???????????????

I'm so glad you enjoyed the ending! :D :D

Re: Satisfying endings, I don't really know. But I know for myself, I just think:

As someone who loves fandom and fandom fix-its, I like to write the kind of endings where someone doesn't think at the end 'shit I have to fix this in fanfiction.' I mean I don't mind if people do that, but I mostly want people to feel happy or very very hopeful. I guess I like to write 'fanfiction style' happy endings, which are more transparently happy, and more.../thinks/ I guess overt? There's been some exceptions which I'd say are more hopeful (like Stuck on the Puzzle), but I think I still write more obviously happy endings than many actually published fantasy stories etc. of similar length.

I write long happy endings. It's either a few increasingly happy chapters in a row (Into Shadows We Fall, Falling Falling Stars) or one really long chapter (The Ice Plague). No skimping on the happiness! I strongly feel that if I put people through that much pain and angst and whump, why should I skimp on the fluff and cheese and happiness? So I really try not to do that.

I try and leave the characters in psychologically healthier places than where we found them, which I think (ideally) gives most readers the sense that even when problems come up in the future, characters will be able to solve what's happening far more healthily than they did in the past. Which I think feels more satisfying than if a couple is arguing right up to the last chapter and we have no real belief that they can healthily get through any situation at all. Romance stories that do this feel really weird to me. I've read romances where like, a couple is toxic, toxic, toxic and then in the last chapter they get married and I'm like oh no babes, you're getting a divorce in five seconds dsalkfjsa - so even though my characters often still have Stuff (TM) to deal with, ideally, readers feel like these characters have got more support, and learned more communication tools to deal with their issues. :)

And I think that's how I manage it!

I love the word satisfying, that's really what I'm going for. And it makes me so so happy that this came across in The Ice Plague, especially because chapter 39 is absolutely horrendous in what it does to all of the characters. I think that's the biggest risk I've ever taken right at the end of a story - to put some of the worst things in right at the end. Normally I have a slower wind-down, because I'd prefer an anticlimatic denouement that feels gentle and satisfying, than something like huge and bombastic where you doubt everyone's doing okay after that trauma lol.

But I think it worked with The Ice Plague because I could skip so much time in the epilogue and because I could make that such a long chapter that people could really settle into it like they might a novella.

Tbh it goes against some of the writing techniques I was taught in university to write this way. To like, never give readers exactly what they want (and I definitely can't give everyone what they want), and to kind of...always be subtle or hint at things or give glimpses into happiness or whatever. This idea that happiness is sparse and angst is huge but not overwrought etc. idk... I don't really vibe with a lot of that kind of literature. Learning that I could write like...'literature' made me realise that personally I prefer enjoying fanfiction and tropes and big emotions, and that I enjoy writing them too.

So while my writing isn't very 'university level' - I like to think it's a bit more emotionally satisfying, even if it doesn't make you think or philosophise as much, lol. <3333

[marshmallowprotection]

hi kait!! i have a question: did you ever feel awkward when you first started writing fics about lila and saeran?

I've been sharing content with my CMC and Saeran since 2018, so you could say that I'm comfortable with it by now! I've always been someone who writes OC x Canon stories since I was really young, so it's really not that odd or weird for me to hit post on something with that content. Some of the most compelling stories I've come across have been OC x Canon, but sparsely few are popular.

It has a lot to do with the fact that those stories are emotionally tailored to be something that is very personal and close to the heart of the writer. I think it's important to be writing things that make you happy instead of trying to please everybody else. That's just the way that I look at things and if you like to share what you put down to make yourself happy, you might find that other people are capable of being just as invested. But, that only happens if you put your heart out there for others to see.

That can be risky because you never know how people are going to take something that you write for yourself. It can be scary to share OC x Canon stories out there. Throughout the years, I can definitely remember receiving flames or hate comments because God forbid people have fun writing something for free where they’re loved and cherished in a way that they may not be getting in real life.

It’s true for younger writers, especially those who start sharing these stories and run into the fear of people ripping apart their hard work to shreds because it “seems like Mary Sue writing” or whatever else you know people say when they come across it.

I definitely don't care for people who waste their time writing hate comments like that on works that are by people just having fun.

There was a time when I was younger when I would be wary of sharing things I wrote just because I knew that there was always a chance of receiving hate because of doing something that I had fun with. But, eventually, I set that fear to the side because I just wanted an outlet to share my thoughts and feelings about Saeran. As scary as it is to know that there are people out there that are mean for no reason, it's just as nice to know that posting something could change your life.

When I started writing for Mystic Messenger, would you believe me if I said that I never finished a story before then? Or that I never wrote anything longer than 2000 words? I'm sure that might come as a surprise because if you've been around here long enough, you know that in the past 2 years I’ve gone on to write stories that range in length from 75,000 to 200,000 words. I never once imagined that I would be able to do that when I was younger.

But, thanks to my starting to engage with the story that I started writing for Lila, I found an outlet to write something worthwhile to me.

I started to push myself to think harder about the way that I wanted to be able to tell a story. I thought about ways that I could change what I was reading and how to make it make sense to me but also make it feel compelling to others. In the middle of learning ways to do that, I wound up making my blog and spending my time practicing my character skills for strangers and fans alike.

At first, it was because I wanted to get some practice with all of the characters so that I could have a better means of knowing how to write all of them so that I could apply that character study to my story. I didn’t just want to understand Saeran, I wanted to know them all.

Because those characters were my family at that point. They were guiding me and with me at the worst and hardest times of my life.

2016 was a hard year for me, I got sick that year in the spring and I felt so lost and afraid, but I met the RFA in August and everything changed after that. These characters mean the world to me because they've seen me through the darkest days. If I can properly show the way that they are in my writing, it feels like I'm able to be closer to them. It feels like I’m with my found family and having Lila be with them connects a part of myself to them in a close way.

Since I've been doing it for so long, the characters have definitely grown with me and there are things that have changed over time because I've had so much experience with writing new perspectives and ideas that the way that I present my CMC now isn’t how I did years ago. She's grown as a character just as much as I have grown as a person so I have this cool time capsule into seeing how we both changed. 

Lila is a part of myself. She holds many of my mannerisms and passions in life.

Just like I can say that Saeran’s character journey has allowed me a chance to heal and see the person I want to be, I can say that Lila growing alongside him helped just as much. It's my passion to make sure that she believes in Happy Endings and that she's able to get them even if she struggles. That reminds me that I can have the same thing. If I can write a facet of myself exploring insecurities and other fears and overcoming them, that means that I can eventually get to a point where I can do the same.

I think that's why it's so important to have OCs and to be friends with your favorite characters if that helps you in any way. You don't just grow from seeing your favorite characters go through their story and reach the end. You grow just as much by creating a part of that story that's a piece of you to go through it. I never felt weird about sharing Lila's story over the years, sure, maybe a little insecure at the start because I wasn't sure if my writing was worth sharing... but never afraid.

I can say that at this point if nothing else, you guys don't know what can happen if you make a small choice as simple as sharing a story with somebody. I wouldn’t change anything if I had to go back to that time when I hit the post button because I know it leads me here. I know that creating Lila and her story led me to this place in my life.

It leads me to this blog and all the people that I have met over the years that have made me smile and laugh in ways that I never thought I would. I've interacted with all kinds of people who have touched my life in ways that I will always be grateful for. Whether I still speak to the people that have come here over the years or not, everybody's had an impact on me.

The person I was when I started playing the game to the person that I am today… I really don't know who I would be without this game and the experiences it’s given me. It's not the game itself that has helped me, it's all of the people that I have met since the start. I never would have had that if I didn't choose to share my story with my MC.

I was able to escape bad experiences because people liked talking to me about Mystic Messenger or any silly thing because we all loved the same game. I was able to realize what I really wanted out of life and I was able to save myself because people showed me kindness. A fandom is a great place if you need a home that feels like home. I'm grateful for my spot here in this fandom because I don't think I'll ever be able to truly say how thankful I am to this place.

So, I think at the end of the day, if you're ever afraid to share a story that you're writing that's personal to you, don't be. You don't know where you will be in life later on because of that decision that you made. You should never hesitate on something if you think that it's going to give you an opportunity of some kind. Even if you're scared of what might happen, take the chance. It might be silly to think about but… take it from me. Writing about Saeran and Lila led me to the love of my life, and good friends, and gave me a strong sense of self-worth that I never would have known if I didn’t hit post. 

You never know!

I love writing content for Lila and Saeran. I don't think that'll ever stop writing about them. There are always ideas in my head that I want to work on and things that I would love to explore with them. If you're itching to write about your CMC and a character, go for it! I'd love to see the start of someone's story written here... because I know that out there, no matter the fandom, someone's life is changing because they took a chance on a story for themselves.

[beggingwolf]

hi so I've just eaten too much ice cream, feel vaguely ill, and I'm here to tell you All About How I Failed At Outlining for SGKF this year!

that's partially just a fun tagline, but it's also a bit true. I told my friends I'd be trying to use several different outlining methods to try and knock out a plotty piece for the fest, and things did not go to plan!

important to begin with: I am what is referred to as a "pantser." I tend to just start writing. this is strangely contradictory to my personality, which deeply loves plans. unfortunately, what often happens is plans and outlines ruin my excitement and drive while working on a project (it tricks me into thinking I've done all the work and resolved the plot), leading me to abandon it.

and though I can throw together pretty words and made a decent fic, my fics never turned out as good as they could have been. I kept telling myself that if I planned in advanced and worked out what I was doing BEFORE I did it, I'd be able to craft a fic with such care and attention as to make it really SHINE.

so, uh, kinkfest rolls around, and since I was a mod I could see all the prompts before they even got released to the public, so I basically had a WHOLE EXTRA two-ish weeks to start planning and writing.

did I? NO.

so, despite the fact that I collect writing advice like a magpie , I'm not the greatest at implementing it. if you go into my SGKF google folder, you'll find a few instances of me TRYING to implement writing advice like metawriting:

(and you'll see some fics that didn't get finished/make it into the fest!)

my issue was (and still is) that I think I value every little word too much. this is a bad thing: I'm an overwriter by nature. when I get words down, I want to keep them because I feel like I worked hard for them, even if they're not great or don't actually serve the story in the way they should. that's not to say all my metawriting was bad; it wasn't. I tried it out for A Drowning in California as well [which will henceforth just be referred to as "California").

I had a whole subfolder for California. what kind of amazed me is how different my initial notes for the prompt are from what the story actually ended up being. here, take a look:

literally almost none of this is in california. the WWE and UFC stuff made it in, and so did sid wrestling with horny, but that was it. I was going to start this fic in the locker room, with sid wrestling someone, and it was seriously going to be a story about sex—about sid wanting to hold geno down in bed. that was the premise.

and instead, we got a really emotional story about familial rejection and the isolation it can make people feel. SO! something happened along the way, right?

when I started getting into the plot that would support this supposed sexfest, this is where I went at first:

geno wants the relationship to get serious, sid is like mentally still a 12 year old who just wants to wrestle people and doesn't want to talk about his emotions, and prefers to use physicality to communicate. this doesn't work for geno, who wants ... more

we can start to see the actual emotions come through, the things I was interested in: sid using touch to talk, and geno desperately wanting more

what did the most good for me, in the end, was "doing" the metawriting by talking with my friends.

I told them what i thought this story was about ("I'm thinking about making this a story about relationship-defining, maybe? and the communication needed for a lasting adult relationship? I think I'm going to set it in california/LA, where Sid has invited Geno along for the first time for his California Summer Fun/Training/Escape, whatever, and Geno's going to be emotionally preoccupied with Defining The Relationship—maybe they've been on-again-off-again? maybe they're just new to this, like almost a year deep, and they're not getting younger—and thinking this trip is about that [or hoping this trip is about that, and realizing it isn't, and being disappointed].") and they told me what jumped out at them.

Jes told me what would ramp up the tension would be a deadline of some sort; "Geno’s going to break up with Sid or make some decision or something, or there’s something approaching where they have to make a will they or won’t they decision of some kind related to the core ‘defining the relationship’ issue. Geno’s going back to russia and in previous summers they’ve always slept with other people while apart? or Sid has a wedding coming up and he’s offhandedly mentioned taking someone else as his plus one?"

I liked her thoughts. it made sense to add an external pressure to all this, and that wedding idea stuck out to me the most.

Lis said I should add a jealousy angle, so you can largely credit her for the club scene: "one thing i like to sort of headcanon/imply about sid's california trips is he uses them to hook up anonymously. so you could have, like, sid and geno seeing sid's friends, but also accidentally running into some of sid's friends. and geno's like oh, great, so here i am doing this horrible summertime training that i hate because i don't need to train in the offseason actually, and i'm learning what exactly sid gets up to when we're apart."

My magical solution these days is GOING FOR WALKS. do it if you're able. it clears out your brain. so on my walks I ended up deciding that I wanted a taylor crosby wedding. I like taylor as a character, and as a person with sisters I just like writing her in. best of all, she and sid are close and I like writing "I'd do anything for my family" sid.

and then I was like. oh. what if it's not that sid is afraid/nervous to bring geno, it's that he can't.

I... wasn't as conflicted as I thought I'd be about writing sid's parents as homophobic. I prefer to write them as supportive; I think troy crosby's been eviscerated more than he should have been in older fanworks, and though I respect their right to make fictional!troy whatever they want, I've been a little skeptical of outlandish takes on him ("he doesn't say I love you to his son because a camera caught them mid-interaction once!") ever since I read how the media has found him a convenient narrative villain while he tried to keep his underage son safe from the media as a child and while they needed to cook up Spicy Stories about squeaky-clean sid.

uh, tangent aside, I always thought I'd never write a "parents are the villains" story, but I did here. it felt right. it was easier, too, because they're not PRESENT in the story. I didn't have to write trina actually being horrible to her son. I just had to skirt the edges of the wound.

which works well on two fronts: I don't have to actively write the crosbys being horrible to sid, and I also leave more to the imagination of the reader, and that almost never fails to make the work better. whatever the reader imagines them saying to sid, it's going to be 10x more hurtful than anything I'd write.

I dug really deep on some personal emotions and fears I experience as a gay person for a lot of sid's arc here. sid is deeply imperfect in this story, and he's internalizing his pain and the horrible thing that's happened to him, which is making him pull away from his partner, and sid is not responding how geno wants, nor is he responding well, period, though he's trying in his own wounded, stilted way.

and beloved geno, whose tender heart is so hidden away for fear of someone hurting it. I really like writing geno; he's huffy and emotional and sometimes bitchy and feels things SO deeply.

once I had more of an idea, I was already working on a more detailed outline. this is where I seriously took Jes's advice and WROTE EVERYTHING OUT! it made it so much less daunting, because I didn't have to be figuring out my next steps AND crafting sentences at the same time. also this is where I tell you that the title of this post is mostly a lie, it was metawriting I failed at.

This outline also meant I avoided writing large swaths of things that should've been cut. Another beta told me I should delete three scenes and condense a bunch of emotions into the club scene, and she was SO right. Cutting events out of an outline is WAY easier than cutting out pages of text.

Ironically my outline kind of deteriorated after the club scene, but that's alright: after I wrote the club scene, I actually had a clear vision of what I wanted the end to be. I just had to trust myself. I CAN do this, I CAN still just write intuitively sometimes!

I think California did what I wanted it to do. I'd love to try something out that's longer and has more story arcs in it (jes has a post for that too!) but I think that's best saved for another, longer project, though 18k isn't short.

next up is maggie stief's writing seminar that I bought a month back. I'm going to start working on that this month and see how I like it. I have a few halloween fic ideas, plus spookfest, so these next two months we should be cooking in the kitchen!

[pesteringchum]

the reddit story for reference:

ID under the cut:

I know this sounds really weird, but here it is:

My BF and I have been together for three years. We met and started dating when we were both in graduate school, but I dropped out to go back to college to pursue a different career. We are both finished now, and live together making a fairly nice combined income.

Our income is relevant because we could afford to eat somewhere nice when we're out and about, but he always wants breakfast food. When he was a child his dad couldn't stand eating breakfast-type food in the afternoon or evenings, so his mom would make him waffles/pancakes, eggs, and bacon in the evening whenever his dad was busy or out of town. It's a wonderful and safe memory for him, and when he goes to his "happy place," he says that's where he always goes. My BF is an incredibly nice and caring person. He's emotionally tuned in to everyone and recognizes arising issues a long time before they occur. He loves animals, and is kind and gentle with every bug, bird, and pet that he comes across. He's almost always willing to turn the other cheek in social situations where somebody tries to insult him or get aggressive towards him, and usually winds up defusing the situation and having a productive discussion about whatever the issue was. Except at Waffle House.

Anytime we're out he wants to go to the same goddamn Waffle House and get breakfast food. I'm not a big eater, so I used to not really care. I would just drink coffee and read my book while he enjoyed his food. But that became impossible once he and this one cook started chirping at each other every time we went there. BF complained about his eggs one time, because he likes them a little runny and they were served hard. The cook responded by giving him scrambled eggs. When he brought it up again the cook served him two hardboiled eggs. I think it was just part of the cook's schtick, and it was kind of funny tbh, but my BF wasn't able to laugh it off. When we left he was in kind of a bad mood. but we didn't really talk about it.

The next week we were out getting some shopping done, and he wanted to go to Waffle House again. I suggested that we try out a different place, or at least a different Waffle House location, but he only wanted the same Waffle House. We went in and sat down, and once again the same cook served his eggs wrong. My BF sort of snapped at him that he wasn't interested in messing around, and just wanted the correct eggs. The cook then served him a piece of toast with a hole cut out in the middle with a fried egg in it. My BF got really mad and threw the egg toast at the cook, which made the cook come around from behind the bar and throw it back at him. They ended up sort of wrestling/fighting until my BF was like "this is bullshit" and walked out. Nobody got hurt, but the few other people in there were watching and laughing a bit.

This is the crazy part: my BF keeps going back and ordering eggs and getting into fistfights with the same cook. It's almost a ritual at this point. My BF orders runny eggs, the cook serves him some other version of eggs, and then they beat the shit out of each other. I quit going with him after the second fight, but he kept going by himself. They're like Peter and the giant chicken from Family Guy, it's the weirdest thing. They've physically fought like 6 or 7 times over this. I've tried to talk to him about it a few times, but he keeps saying it's a matter of principle. I've told him to talk to the manager or something like that, but he just waves me off. Apparently that cook hasn't yet made him the correct runny eggs, but it's like he spends the week learning new ways of preparing eggs to piss my boyfriend off. The thing is, we're getting married this summer. He's accepted a job in a new city and it'll be easy for me to find work after the wedding, so we'll be moving away from his sworn enemy waffle house guy. He hasn't really been out since quarantine started, but it wouldn't surprise me if that's the first place he goes when restaurants open back up for sitting customers. But my main worry is this strange vindictive side of him I've never seen before that leads him to fight the same guy every week. The violence itself is an issue for me, but the obsession over it almost bothers me more.

Should I be worried that this side of him will come up later in our marriage? How do I get him to open up about this? Is this type of obsession a choice, or is it indicative of something deeper?

i went on a huge long rant about davekat in my head just now and i will not subject you guys to it but i just wanted to say that davekat is at its best not when theyre dating but when they have a weird gay thing going on.

what kind of weird gay thing?

you know that post abt a redditor’s boyfriend who kept going to like waffle house to order his eggs a certain way only for the cook to purposefully cook them wrong and then they would fist fight each other but the bf still kept going there to order eggs?

something like that.

[doorbloggr]

Friday 28/5/21: Media Recommendations #4

Its Friday again, so that means I gotta nerd out about things I've had on my mind lately and recommend other people go enjoy them too.

Today's topics of interest will be:

Manga/Anime: Fullmetal Alchemist

Videogame: Monster Hunter Rise

Music: Kiss from a Rose; Seal

In past weeks, I have picked my recommendations based on shows/music etc that are not as mainstream as I think should be, hence I am recommending them with the intention of increasing the audience. But this week, I am sure these three pieces of media are very widely known already. And its not wrong to like popular things, they got popular for a reason. So this week I'm gonna gush about why I like these popular things.

Fullmetal Alchemist (Fullmetal Alchemist)

In the vaguely European-esque country of Amestris, those gifted by natural or acquired powers can reshape the world around them using the power of Alchemy. In this world, magic users, called Alchemists, are publicly known and acknowledged. The government even employs many State Alchemists, who receive funding for their specific alchemic research, in exchange for their cooperation during military conflicts.

Fullmetal Alchemist has one of the most well put together and interesting fantasy settings in all of fiction (in my opinion). It is both medieval fantasy but also late 1800s europe, and this helps create a world where magic has very strict metaphysical and political rules.

The story within this world focuses on the brothers Edward and Alphonse Elric, who become the youngest known State Alchemists as part of their quest to restore Edward's limbs and Alphonse's entire body which were lost to a tragic alchemic experiment gone wrong. Ed has classic napoleon complex, and detests anyone looking down on him, but he often has more than enough bite to back up his bark. Al is much more calm and collected, but despite his soul inhabiting an imposing suit of armour, he is the younger brother and often emotionally immature. The two have an interesting dynamic, where the older brother is small and snappy, but still feels responsible and protective over his towering, intimidating younger brother who speaks with a very child-like voice, but could easily knock you out.

FMA is not a very complicated story, but it has depth. Its rich world, with a variety of interesting and endearing characters, make for a very engaging time. It is a story of growth, trust, bonds, and rebuilding what was once lost, while maintaining what you are still working on.

There are 3 ways to experience this story. I have gone back and read the original Manga, and if you prefer Manga as your story form, it is a very fun read. There are two anime adaptations, one that was in production and finished before the manga was complete, and another that came a few years later. The former has a different ending to the latter, and I can only recommend the latter, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, seeing as I never watched the original series. But I have heard on good authority that both are worth the watch, so it is up to you. I can't really decide on a definitive favourite anime, but Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood is easily always top 3.

Videogame: Monster Hunter Rise

Sometimes, the rich lore and story are what makes or breaks consumable media, but sometimes, all you need is pure stupid fun. Monster Hunter is a series built on a simple premise that does not need much fluffing to be enjoyed. You are a hunter: a very skilled and powerful warrior who weilds, often oversized, powerful weapons of many types, and it is your duty to go out and hunt monsters: powerful creatures who can co-exist with the world but on a case by case basis, put the people and wildlife around them in harm's way.

Monster Hunter Rise is the newest game in the series, and is on the Nintendo Switch. Many players I've talked to have said that this is the easiest game to get into, but that does not make MHR an simple, boring game, and top-level play is definitely a grind. The draw of Monster Hunter is that every "level" is a boss battle, and that battle takes place over a huge map. In this game, the hunter is tasked with finding the monster, and then using their own gear, plus the help of nature around them, to incapacitate the target monster.

This game has fourteen weapons to choose from, and using each is like playing a completely different action game. They can be grouped as Heavy, Light, and Technical Weapons, but the truth is, all weapons are unique, and depending on which specific model of a weapon you use, they can be even more unique within that weapon. Monster Hunter games are RPGs, but rather than gaining EXP, and stat changes indicating growth, Hunters use bits of the monsters they've hunted to make themselves stronger.

Both new weapons and armour require monster parts, and you're never guaranteed to get all the parts you need from one hunt. So the game encourages you fight the same monsters multiple times, learning patterns, honing your skills. When you have made your ideal weapons and armour, you have gotten significantly better at hunting those monsters. Monster Hunter Rise introduces Wire Bugs, a resource with a variety of uses ranged from spiderman-ing up and across mountains, to lending themselves as super moves for your weapons. Breath of the Wild held a place in my heart for ages because of how good it feels to traverse, but honestly, Monster Hunter Rise's wall-running and grapple-hooking blow BotW out of the water. Its just fun to move! If you enjoy action games and boss fights, Monster Hunter Rise is 100% a game you should check out.

Music: Kiss From a Rose; Seal

In my very deep Spotify library, there's a lot of music I will just sometimes skip. Not because I don't like it, but because I need to be in the right mood. But there's also a select handful of songs where I will never skip because I will always be in the mood to shout those lyrics, no matter when or where. Seal's Kiss from a Rose is one of those songs.

The song was originally part of the soundtrack for Batman Forever, but it is not a song explicitly about that movie. I didn't even know this myself until a while after I was obsessed with this song. Kiss from a Rose is an emotional, almost melancholy song with a very hard to place meaning. Seal has said it could've been about a difficult relationship, but I feel it is up to the listener how they interpret it.

The instrumentals are subtle yet powerful, soothing yet exhilarating. It is just a very engaging song and the lyrics are just hard to not sing along to. If you've heard it, you know. If you haven't, take a listen and meet your favourite song this week.

[etlunainmorte]

“May I have the honor of this dance, my lady?”

"I long to see such things as those you have probably seen. I want to experience everything and I wish to see them with my own eyes. See for myself what these poems of mine describe. But, the idea of doing those things alone,… do not please me, at all.”

“Would I be selfish if I ask you to accompany me, little wanderer?”

“Those scars,… symbolize the true enjoyment and will that you felt doing that special something you adore. Those feet, my Lady,… I would kiss,… over,… and over again,… if I could,… ”

“What matters is that you still have precious people around you, my Lady. You must focus on not losing them, as well.”

“Those feelings you have for me, I’m afraid we do not share them mutually.” 

"I do feel obliged to tell you that I’ am not the person you seem to know. I’ am neither a good person, nor a hero you consider. In fact, I’ am the villain of your story. And I, may I add, only helped you because you seem so,… useless. Why would you even take up this massive commission in the first place? You are not as half as strong as the weakest Devil Hunter here to begin with. You are just a weak human who relies on others for survival."

“I choose,… POWER!”

"ENOUGH!"

You woke up to the sound of his frightening voice that seemed to rattle the whole place. Your eyes adjusted to the darkness inside your room as you hysterically felt for the things around you. And when your cold and trembling hands reached what felt like the soft and smooth bed covers you haven't used for what seemed like ages, your heart felt like it would shatter. You know he was there, just outside your dark and suffocating room, and you knew full well that if you get up, walk to that door, and open it, you will see him.

But, at the same time, you knew you can't.

How you've wanted so much to go to him, to throw yourself at him, to embrace him, and tell him that you love him very much but, you know you can't.

"I choose,... POWER!"

Those were the words that he told you after you bore your whole, fragile heart to him. It,... hurt you, and you knew you would be lying if you said it didn't. It hurts, and you could never deny that fact.

Then, darkness. You couldn't remember anything else after that. What happened after that? And how long ago was that? A week? A month? A year?

You tried to move an inch, however, an unbelievable sensation of pain hit your mid - section, your arms, and your legs. You covered your mouth, trying to stifle the scream of horrified pain that tried to escape from it as you heard some more, incomprehensible noises outside. It seemed that he was not alone. There were others,...

... but you didn't have any idea who they were,...

... only that they sounded familiar.

With a huge amount of effort, you carefully sat up as you propped up on your elbows, still feeling the excruciating pain in your body. You carefully swung your right leg off the edge of the bed first, followed by your left one. When you felt the coldness of the floor through your toes, you slowly put your feet down, then tried to stand,...

... only for you to collapse and scramble on the floor. You swiftly covered your mouth once more and closed your eyes as you stopped yourself from screaming and crying.

Everything hurts. Everything.

You remained on the floor curled up like this as your tears fell silently from your face. Your arms on your stomach and your legs folded, you stayed there, embracing the coldness and loneliness and waiting for those ear - shattering sounds to subside. And when they finally did, you took a deep breath and tried to stand once more. It became awfully quiet but, you couldn't care less. At least, they were gone. He was gone.

And that was entirely better compared to him pushing you away and physically and emotionally hurting you yet again.

With a slight limp, you made your way towards the door, and,...

All of a sudden, you heard it - a knock. On your front door.

Your hand abruptly left the doorknob as the knock became more and more impatient. You were about to go back to your own bed, cover yourself with those heavy bed sheets, and pretend that you didn't hear anything, when you heard a familiar voice.

"Hey, V! You forgot something at the shop!"

What,... ?

Despite the pain in your stomach and limbs, you flung open the door and sped towards the front door, ignoring the mess in the living room and even failing to notice your precious antique record on the table. You grabbed the brass doorknob, flung open the door, and,...

"Whoa, Babe! You don't look so good - "

The man was startled when you threw yourself into his arms, and when he felt your body trembling as you let out those tears of agony, he couldn't help but feel even more protective towards you.

You looking so sad and broken and vulnerable,...

... it simply tore his heart apart.

He,... could not bear it!

"I'm sorry, Dante!" He heard your muffled sob. You were making his jacket wet with tears but, he didn't care.

He didn't care.

Because he only cared about you.

"I'm so sorry,..."

Wrapping his arms around your fragile frame, he said, "Why are you saying that?! You did nothing wrong, (Y/N)! You - "

"I'm sorry - !"

The man grabbed your shoulders and looked straight into your red and puffy eyes.

"Alright, babe." He told you straight in the face without so much as a hesitation. "You're coming with me."

***

I See My Future Before Me - Alternate Endings

***

***

To Dante, staying low and quiet for almost three months felt agonizing enough. He could only take small Demon hunting jobs for a while so as not to raise any suspicion. Hell, he even took a different name and went as far as Gaoltown ( where there was little to no demonic activity ) past Swan Lane where no one would recognize him. Not to mention putting Morrison in charge of Devil May Cry during his absence ( he just couldn't trust anyone, even Trish or Lady, for this ). 

Well, despite this meager choice of a lifestyle, Dante still miraculously pulled through. He often volunteered for farm work when he has no Demon hunting commissions, helping with the harvest ( people were kind enough to let him take home some fruits and vegetables after a hard day's work ) or taking care of the cattle ( the sheep were all nice to him, so were the cows but, all of the goats seemed to share the same interest of kicking him in the butt for some reason ). His new neighbors, a cute old couple ( who honestly looked like an old couple from a fairy tale ), although a bit suspicious of him at first, came to really like him, often giving him meals so he would not go out of town to procure some. The simple rural days felt so calm and peaceful, and the quiet nights felt so serene and cool, unlike the always busy and chaotic atmosphere of Red Grave.

Over time, the humble rural life of Gaoltown has grown on Dante, and soon enough, he has learned to accept his new life as a simple man with simple pleasures.

And the girl who was living with him? The people came to love her, as well, just like how they've grown to love him.

"You will take long?" You asked as you watched Dante prepare for another Demon hunting commission ( this time, a pair of Hell Judecas bothering the Gaoltown mayor's family ), confused as to the sudden change in his demeanor. Normally, his missions only lasted for a few hours, four to five, tops.

But, now, he said that the mission would take an entire day to do.

And for only a couple of Hell Judeca's? That sounded so suspicious,...

The Legendary Devil Hunter, whose skin has become tan due to many hours outside helping the neighbors with farm work, looked up and gave you that charming boyish smile. "You sound like a worried wife."

You sighed as you shook your head. "I' am worried. There are only two Demons. It shouldn't take you an hour or so." You placed the kitchen towel impatiently on top of the wooden table and stepped closer towards him. "Tell me, why do you need a whole day to do this?"

The man stood up and gently laid his callous hands on your cheeks. "And now, you sound like a jealous wife."

"Stop that, please,..." You uttered as you shook Dante's hands off and turned away from him. You went towards the window and stared at the peaceful scenery, unable to explain the sudden heaviness in your heart upon hearing those words from Dante.

A worried wife? A jealous, worried wife?

Impossible!

"Impossible,..." You whispered.

"What is?" Dante, who had preternatural hearing, being a half - Demon, and all, asked, walking towards you and placing a gentle hand on your shoulder.

"Nothing." You said, facing him and looking straight into his eyes. "You'll be late. Go now."

To this, Dante only scratched his head in confusion. "Alright, then. I'll see you later."

"Yeah." You answered, getting your stitch work from the sofa and picking up where you left off. "Take care."

Dante's words were still ringing quite clear into your head as the hot and lazy day passed. As usual, the grandma from next door visited you once more to bring you lunch but, this time, she also gave you some linens you might find useful later on. That little boy from the farm where Dante often helped came and read books with you again. He even gave you flowers, the adorable little thing. Said he wanted to marry you when he grew old. You even managed to finish the laundry and the rest of your chores a few minutes before twilight.

For three months, your quiet life went like this. At first, you felt uncomfortable with it, being a person who was so used to traveling and doing lots of activities. But now, the silent life felt like a blessing to your tired body and battered mind. You have learned to be content with the things you currently have, you have learned to appreciate nature even more,...

... and most importantly,...

... you now see Dante in a different light. He,... changed. And not for worse. Your three months of stay in Gaoltown has taught the both of you a lot of things, simplicity, hard work, appreciation,...

... your isolation from the rest of the people you knew has taught you how to appreciate Dante even more.

Well, not that the man has been unkind to you, no. Somehow, it felt like you haven't acknowledged the man enough for all of his hard work. He even chose this kind of life for your own well - being despite knowing all of the consequences. He even did his best in fulfilling his promise to you that no one would ever find out that you're here, hence, all that secrecy and staying low away from everyone.

And honestly? He did all that wonderfully and without a hint of the slightest hesitation.

Just for you.

Of course, the pain was still there. After all, it was evident with the scars on your body and the changes you've recently been going through. You don't want Dante to know about this but, you were feeling as though you were getting weaker and weaker as the days passed, like a battery that was getting closer to its limit. Waking up every morning and getting up from bed felt like a huge struggle, and doing simple chores took most of your strength. Hell, even your hair looked different. Most of its strands were still (H/C) but, should one make the effort of taking a closer look at it, one would surely notice the strands of silver - grey here and there.

And just now, just this morning, you felt,... different. Calmer. More at peace,...

You knew you're time was coming. And Dante being gone for a full day? It felt really frightening.

You were so scared to go without Dante by your side.

Did you learn how to love him just like how he loved you? No. Of course, you were still in love with that man, and Dante knew that. He respected that, even though it hurt him too much deep inside. It broke him.

And still, despite knowing all that, he persevered for you. He may not say it to you outright but, he knew what was going on with you. He noticed your difficulty in getting up each morning. He observed how the simplest of chores would take the most out of you. And most importantly, he knew all about your granny hair problem.

Dante knew but, he never spoke up about it.

And now, as the clock struck six in the evening, you sat in front of your door, waiting for Dante to arrive,...

... only for someone else to come.

You looked up, stood, and took a few steps back. And in shock and fright, you turned away and tried to close the door, only for the visitor to take hold of your arm.

"Hon, talk to me, please!"

"Nico, leave me alone,..."

The Artisan only tightened her grip on your arm as she forced you to look her in the eyes.

"Girl, listen to me." Nico pleaded as quietly as she could so no one would notice the two of you in such a situation. "V has been lookin' all over for ya! But, for some reason, he can't see ya! He is worried sick about ya!"

That name,...

"I - i d - don't know who you're talking about,..." You stuttered as you felt your heart being crushed all over again.

The man,... actually looking for you?

Impossible!

Impossible,...

"What?! Aww, come on! I know Dante has been hidin' ya! Morrison is way too suspicious. And I'm right! Ye're here all along!"

"Nico, can you please leave me alone?" You pleaded for the second time, avoiding her eyes so she won't see you crying. But, it was no use. Nico just wouldn't be budged.

"No! V has changed! He loves ya! He still does! And he wants the two of you to start all over again! He,... wants to make it up to ya! Right every mistake he has done,..." And as if in an effort to throw all of her trump cards at the table for her to win this battle, she desperately added, "V,... can't live without you!"

For a moment, you stopped struggling against her. You took a deep breath, and exhaled, dragging the air out of your lungs as long as possible. You wanted to calm down, you do.

Yes, you love him. You still do.

But,...

... it was too late.

"Where is he?" You asked, making your voice softer.

*

"Babe, I'm home!" Dante greeted you a few hours later as he entered the house.

"Dante, I'm right here!" You called. The man followed your voice and found you sitting on the sofa in the dark living room.

"Eh, it's too dark in here! Why don't we - ?"

"No!" You cut him off as he was about to turn on the lights. "Please."

Dante only raised his eyebrow in confusion. "O - kay?" Shrugging your strange behavior off, he brought what he was carrying to the middle of the room and placed it on the floor near the windows. "I think it's time we liven things up in here! It's getting a bit boring!"

In the darkness of the room with only the moonlight as your guide, you observed how Dante arranged and connected some wires to the thing he just brought, and a few moments later, the thing lit up, brightening the whole room.

It was a television, and connected with it was a decent dvd player that must've cost Dante a huge sum of money.

"Had to go back to Red Grave to purchase these." Dante smugly confessed. "Hey, I'm sorry I wasn't able to buy Titanic and Dracula for you. They're sold out!"

"What did you get?"

"This."

"Here's Charles Muntz piloting his famous,... "

Your eyes widened at the wonderfully colorful sight before you. 

" ... is there nothing he cannot do?! Yes! As Muntz himself says,... "

"ADVENTURE IS OUT THERE! Look out, Mount Rushmore!"

"I, ah, hope you like Pixar." Dante asked as he sat on the floor next to your form.

"It's great." He heard your simple answer. "Pixar is great."

With Dante's head on your lap, the two of you watched as the two characters interacted, how they met, and what started their romance.

"I saw where your balloon went. Come on! Let's go get it. My name is Ellie."

"I thought that's a boy!"

"Dante, it's clearly a girl."

"What? I don't get it!"

"Just watch!"

"There it is! Well, go ahead."

"Ah, I wouldn't do that if I were you, kid."

"Agh, Dante, just - !"

"Okay, okay,..."

"Go on! 

"AAAGGGHHH!"

"Told ya,..."

"Oh, poor kid,..."

"HEY, KID!"

"AHH! Ouch!"

"Thought you might need a little cheering up! I have something to show ya!"

...

"I' am about to let you see something I have never shown to another human being. EVER! In my life! You'll have to swear you will NOT tell ANYONE! Cross your heart! DO IT!"

"Aww, that's so cute."

"Really? That seems creepy to me."

"You know what's even creepier, Dante?"

"What?"

"Lady and Trish taking over your shop."

"Oh, right,..."

"MY ADVENTURE BOOK! You know him: Charles Muntz, explorer! When I get big, I'm going where he's going: South America! It's like America but, it's South!"

Dante felt a gentle hand caressing his hair, and he fought the urge to take it and kiss it.

But, somehow,...

... it felt weaker.

And you,...

... you sounded different.

"You know, you don't talk much. I LIKE YOU!"

"(Y/N),..."

"Please,..."

Dante felt his breath hitch when you prevented him from seeing your face.

What,... exactly is going on?!

"Babe, you okay?"

"Yes! As fine as I'll ever be."

"(Y/N), tell me the truth, please."

"I'm fine. Don't worry. And, Dante?"

"Hmm?"

"Thank you. For the television. But, really. You should've told me earlier you're gonna be late because of it."

"Ahh, you sound like a jealous wife again."

"Hmm,... maybe?"

"(Y/N)," Dante began, trying his very best to see your face but, you just wouldn't let him.

Not now.

"Babe, please, tell me what's wrong. Are you hurt? Did something happen? Did - ?"

"Dante, listen to me very carefully." With those words, the man felt your caress once more as you tried to calm him down, all the while preventing him from seeing your face. And your voice,... it sounded so,... "Thank you,... for this house."

"(Y/N),...?"

"Thank you,... for this quiet and humble life. Thank you for taking care of me. For your hard work. For accepting me into your life. For,... accepting me as I' am, flaws, quirks, everything. Thank you,... for your unconditional love."

And to those words you just uttered, Dante felt his whole world collapse before him.

He knew what you meant.

He knew.

Ah,...

"T - the screen," Dante stuttered, his voice failing him as he felt that burning sensation in his eyes once more. And he hated it. " ... it's getting blurry! I should have it changed first thing in the morning - "

"STAY." You almost yelled, your cracking voice giving you away. "Please."

And Dante couldn't do anything.

"I - i'm sorry." The man cried. "I,... f - failed you! I'm sorry, (Y/N). I'm so sorry,..."

"No! You didn't! You did,... wonderfully. And you sound like I'm gonna leave you. That hurts."

"Aren't you?"

"Who told you?"

"Well,..."

You hummed as you bent and wrapped the man in your arms. "I'm not gonna leave you, Dante. I,... might be,... going somewhere,... but, my spirit will stay with you. I will continue to watch over you. I will stay with you,... for as long as it takes. I will never,... leave your side."

"Promise?"

"I promise."

The man felt your soft lips ghost the top of his head, and this only made him hold onto the fragile arms wrapped around him even tighter. He would cherish this moment, this very moment, for as long as he lived.

For as long as he breathed.

"Let's watch, Dante Sparda."

"Alright, (Y/N) (L/N)."

***

❤ @la-vita and @clevermentalitybeliever . ❤

***

A few hours earlier,...

"Where is he?" You asked, making your voice softer.

"Somewhere!" Nico answered. "He could see us right now. He could hear us."

You smiled. "If he could hear me, then,..." You cleared your throat and made your voice a bit louder despite your failing lungs. "Listen very carefully, V.

"I,... love you. I still do. And I missed you so much. So much it hurts. I still love you,… despite everything. I tried to get you out of my mind, to forget that I've known you. To forget that I have fallen deeply in love with you for the very short time we've been together. And it hurts,... so much,... to know that I will not be able to see you again, that I will not be able to talk to you again. That I will never hear your voice again as you read to me your favorite poems.

"If I could only go back in time, I would prevent all the pain and suffering from happening. I will tell you to run as far away as you can from that place. I don’t care what happens to Red Grave! I will,... save the both of us from that huge blunder. Maybe then, we could start all over again, to get to know each other again. Maybe we could take another shot at it.

"But, it is too late. I'm,... dying, V. Very soon, I will leave this world, and you will be left devastated. However, you have a wonderful life ahead of you. So,... go. Do everything that I told you: travel the whole world, watch all kinds of movies, eat popcorn and lots of junk food, go fishing and catch a boot, win the stuff tiger. See the world that your poems describe. Go,... and do all of those with the person you will love and cherish,... until the end.

"And I? I will stay with the person who gave me unconditional love. I will stay with the person who didn't give up on me despite everything. I will stay with him,... until my last breath.

"I will stay with Dante, until tonight when I close my eyes and enter eternal slumber.

"I love you, V. Now go,... and live a life you'll be proud of."

***

❤❤❤

***

[thehoneyedhufflepuff]

2019 Top Five

Rules: It’s time to love yourselves! Choose your 5 favorite works you created in the past year (fics, art, edits, etc.) and link them below to reflect on the amazing things you brought into the world in 2019. Tag as many writers/artists/etc as you want (fan or original) so we can spread the love and link each other to awesome works!

thank you for tagging me @ninemagicks @sourcherrymagiks @f-ing-ruthless-baz @sharkmartini 💜

2019 was the year I found Carry On & this lovely fandom. It was the year I started writing & drawing again after many years of being creatively stagnant (& I wrote a LOT; over 310k published on AO3 & who knows how much is currently sitting unpublished in my Google Drive). It’s been a bit of a bumpy ride—lots of self-doubt & uncomfortable feelings about my own work—but this book ultimately gave me my creativity back, & some wonderful friends, & self-growth, day by day. I’ve been in a bit of a funk since the end of the countdown, & especially these last few weeks, so I think this will be a good opportunity for me to reflect on the things I’m proud of & try to say some nice things about my own work. Let’s get the party started.

1. Between the Lines

Y’all probably aren’t surprised, right? I feel like BTL has really helped me grow as a writer while telling a story that’s very personal & important to me. When I first started this fic, it was meant to be just a little bookshop AU. I’m very proud of what it’s become, & the reception it’s had has blown me away. I appreciate everyone who’s read it/reading it/yet to read it so very, very much. I never would’ve guessed that I’d still be working on this fic, let alone how long it would be. I think it’s probably my best work stylistically & in terms of the story, even if sometimes I cringe when I reread the beginning. (I either cringe or really like my work when I reread it, there’s no in-between.) (I mostly really like this one when I need to go back & study it.)

IDK, I’ve talked about BTL a LOT the last eight months. I’m not sure what else I can say about it right this moment, but I’m sure I’ll think of something eventually, & hopefully y’all aren’t sick of hearing about it because I don’t think I can help it.

🦖💛💙🦖

2. A Pair of Splendid Morons

This fic is still near & dear to my heart. I like to say it was the first fic I finished in the fandom, but it was actually my second (I don’t...like to talk about Merry Gentlemen. At all. I think I’ve been scarred since I got a scathing anon review in the comments [which is why I no longer allow anon comments on AO3, RIP].) (I made some...choices with that fic. ANYWAY.)

So Splendid Morons was the second fic I finished in the fandom (it’ll be a year old on Valentine’s Day; can you believe?!). It’s my second-longest (after BTL, of course, lmao) & I wrote it in just six weeks, which is lightning-fast by my standards. (This set me up to think I was a fast writer. I was sorely disappointed when I discovered that’s not the case.) It’s also my most-read fic, though BTL is super close to taking the crown.

My writing’s improved a lot since I first posted APOSM, I think, but I also think it holds up pretty well! (I do worry sometimes that I wrote Simon too soft, & there are a few mistakes I made by not properly researching [ahem, looking at you, Suitgate].) (One thing I found slightly amusing was the influx of readers this one got after Wayward Son, lmao. This fic is not in the vein of WS at ALL.) (Okay, that might be sort of false? I do mention trauma etc. in the fic, but I guess the main difference is that Simon & Baz really try to face these things together instead of apart. And also they communicate, albeit somewhat awkwardly. It’s a dream come true.)

For anyone who hasn’t read it, it’s a Carry On-era canon first time fic, & it spawned my post-Carry On series that is now an AU. I still have stories to tell on that timeline, but it’s sort of hard to forget Wayward Son completely, you know? When I first started writing this, it was technically still possible. Now it’s only possible as an AU, which is fine. (I’m not really sure where I’m going with this...I just have weird feelings, lol.) OH, also this was the first time I ever wrote a sex scene. I think it’s actually pretty good for a first time (mine & theirs, lmao).

3. Housewarming

Sort of cannot believe I’m picking the smuttiest thing I’ve ever written as one of my top fics of the year, but also??? I’m proud of this fic. It’s super hard to write smut—no euphemism—& I reread this one recently & thought I did a pretty good job. (I was actually slightly ashamed after I posted it, but I got over that once I got some nice comments. Nice comments are always very helpful.) I’ll share one here, which I think is fine since AO3 comments are public anyway:

Your writing just has so much LOVE in it and you write their companionship and connection so beautifully. You know, I wasn't going to read First Bite because that's not my kind of thing and usually grosses me out, but I've loved your other stuff so I gave it a shot. Turns out, it's just that stories like that tend to focus on the kink and grit, but you focus on everything that's good between them instead. And then you show how those good things lead to the perhaps more-than-vanilla coupling.

This fic, too, is grimy and steamy, but it's also sweet because you include the right details... This is not a smut fic of the rough kinky variety. It's a smut fic about two people reveling in a sacred space/act they've created together. Props to you because the difference is palpable. (I have never in my life written so much about sex on a fic review so sorry about this ramble lmao)

Y’all...this comment meant so much to me. This is what it’s really about, you know? I’m trying to show them expressing love, & this just made me so happy. Numbers-wise, stories with a focus on sex seem to get fewer kudos/comments, & I think part of that is the anonymity factor (which I totally understand), but I just want to say that something like this means A TON to those of us who write stuff like this. Many thanks to @sappho-said-i-could ; this comment single-handedly made me much less self-conscious about this particular work. 💜

4. Crashing Through

This is one of my favorite ficlets from the countdown, & also my most popular countdown fic on Tumblr in terms of notes (not that that’s a deciding factor, but it DOES make me happy). It’s a little alternate ending to WS (just a what if? for the beach scene at the end of the book.)

Like many, Wayward Son hit me really hard. I love Wayward Son a lot, but I spent days feeling so emotionally drained, & then weeks just unable to write. This was one of the first things I wrote that even had anything to do with Wayward Son, & fun fact! I wrote it all by hand in the car on a day trip. While it’s obviously not a canon-possible scene at this point, I still really like it. (I reblogged it yesterday as part of my Fandom Anniversary Reblog Thingy that I’m doing, & I read it & thought, Huh. Sometimes I’m decent at this whole writing thing.)

I actually felt stuck when I went to write Be With Me after this, because I didn’t think I could top the way they said I love you in this one (I still...sort of prefer this to the scene in Be With Me but oh well, what’re you gonna do).

5. “Love”

Can y’all tell I don’t normally name my art pieces? I don’t normally name them. I’m super proud of this one; it was the last piece of art I made in 2019, & I think it’s one of my best. It’s one of my least “popular” pieces in terms of notes, but I still really like it a lot & I did a side-by-side comparison of this next to my first fanart last year & it was super encouraging to see my progress. Sharing art has been scarier for me than sharing writing, but seeing how far I’ve come since June was very helpful.

ANYWAY! BTL is super close to my heart, as y’all know, & I had a moment where I just really wanted to draw them in this moment where they’re finally getting some time to just be together & enjoy the newness of their relationship. This was done in copic marker for the most part, though I also used colored pencil for their blushes (my brand 😏) & Baz’s sweater. (At one point I thought I’d completely ruined the whole piece because of how Baz’s sweater was looking, but then @knitbelove gave me some sweater advice & I went back to work & held my breath & everything turned out okay in the end.) This is also the last traditional piece of art I’ve done, & I should probably change that soon. (Please give the original post some love if you’re so compelled. 💜💜💜)

I think I’m a few days late in terms of doing this, so I’m not sure who all has gone yet! I’ll tag @warriorbeeofthesea @krisrix @pipsqueakparker @icarus-n-flames @vkelleyart @singerofsimplesongs @fight-surrender @knitbelove @annabellelux @pitchpatronus @subpar-selkie @neck-mole @cynopoe @gibbarts & anyone else who sees this & wants to do it! Seriously, that means you! 😉

[plutonium-ooc]

BRRRRRRT YESYESYES

if this turns into a giant summary of most of my lore forgive me

they technically have 4 bloodtypes outside of offcolours! green, red, mutant/yellow and full invert (as seen in zephyr and breath, my polycephalic mess of a pair who's condition both inverted their blood colours and caused them to fledge in very early hatchhood instead of needing to kill eachother)

ovc, the first two are already sort of explained- but only in very basic terms, so i'll go a little more in depth with them ^-^

greenbloods are pretty skittish when young. calliope's feelings of wanting to remain as one whole being without killing the other cherubs in-body are very common (but not universal), which often leads to lower amounts of greenbloods predominating. when they do, however, that all changes. they're not as social, but their allies stay with them for almost their whole lifespan when they find them. instead of the physically close groups other types make, greenbloods form distant but incredibly emotionally strong 'nets' of territories, which aid in fighting off redbloods and other threats, which i'll elaborate on soon.

redbloods on the other hand are confident and very cocky, not just in their youth but throughout their whole lives. before they predominate, they pour most of their energy into tormenting their green sibling to 'train' for their predomnition battle, typically by destroying a lot of the things they dearly care about. they really aren't afraid to play dirty, and those in mutant trios often harm their mutant sibling just to taunt the other. post-predomnition, redbloods don't seek out territory to claim, but rather search for other reds to form or join a coalition. coalitions can range in size from 3-15 cherubs, all of which stick together as a means of protection. these groups won't split up until they've claimed enough territory to devide between their members, or grow so weak they have no choice. though coalitions aren't exclusive to redbloods- aside from yellowbloods settling down to rest with them between deliveries, there's been records of particularly strong trolls joining up with these groups after being exhiled from the empire.

yellowbloods are VERY skittish before they predominate. they're always fearing mortal danger, and even if they've never seen their siblings or left their dream-moon, they'd be correct to assume they are. they aren't very physically capable before they get their wings, and are especially prone to sunsickness when awake, making them an easy target for larger cherubs to take out or other things to snatch a meal. if they somehow manage to predominate, however, they'll be rewarded handsomely; built for long flights, hard work and to fight off multiple other cherubs at once from the very start, they're typically the strongest and largest of the bloodtypes. they're incredibly social to boot, and will immediately find a group of other cherubs to stay with before heading out for duty. they're almost never bored- how could you be with so much work to do? outside of mail, these cherubs also seek out young fledgelings to bring to their appropriate social groups, maintain territory maps, train younger yellowbloods and report on approaching threats, alongside a bunch of other odd jobs. despite their strength, they're easily the most docile; they have no interest in snatching up territory, and the stories of what happens if you do manage to piss one off is more than enough to keep redbloods from trying.

not much is actually known about inverts- the breeze twins are the only recorded case, and even then they're so hard to track nobody can really study them- so that'll be a subject for another day.

(srry for the sudden cutoff lol, it's 1am now as i'm finishing this and i'm eepy)

hm . whomst here has. cherub headcanons they'd like 2 share:)