#emotionally distraught sam winchester

[highfunctioningflailgirl]

Damage Control - 2x09 Croatoan

(Please read the tags and trigger warnings for this one!)

Dean’s heard the cheesy saying that the night is always darkest before the dawn, and although he doesn’t believe either Sam or he will actually see the next day, he’s inclined to believe whoever said it was right. Even with the sudden disappearance of the infected roaming around the clinic, the darkness seems to be pressing in on the squat building. The sky is pitch black, void of stars. Dean feels like he can barely breathe.

He’s keeping watch. While… and …are  patrolling the entrance, ready for the infected to return, Dean is inside, pacing in front of a locked exam room where Sam is sitting. Sitting and waiting. Through the glass part of the door, Dean sees him fidget, perched on the exam table, knee bouncing anxiously. Around his thumb, the cast on his right hand is fraying, as much as he’s picking at it. Shoulders slumped, jaw pushed forward, he looks every bit as tense as Dean feels. At least, as far as Dean can tell from where he’s pacing, there are no black veins running up Sam’s neck yet, and, so far, his little brother hasn’t tried to attack him either.

Dean feels the cold metal of his gun against the small of his back, where it’s tucked into his jeans. He’s refused to give it to Sam, no matter how many times he’s asked now, wanting to end his own life before the Croatoan virus turns him into a raging monster. Almost four hours have passed since he’s been infected, and Dean’s spent most of them arguing with Sam and telling him that, no matter what happens, he’s not going to put him down like a rabid dog.

“What are you gonna do then, when I turn?” Sam had asked him, yelling. “What?!”

“I don’t know yet,” Dean had answered, just as angrily. “We’ll cross that bridge when we get there, okay? If we get there.”

“I’m going to turn, Dean,” Sam had urged him. “And I’ll attack you! If you don’t stop me I’m gonna kill everyone in this building, including you. Do you want to let that happen?!”

Maybe he does.

Dean had needed to step out of the room then, get some air. 

Maybe he wants to let it happen.

The admission comes unbidden, but it’s the truth. Dean had said it earlier - he is tired. That weight on his shoulders has become too heavy, and Sam doesn’t even know the half of it. Doesn’t know that Dad warned him of something exactly like this, exactly right here - that, if Dean couldn’t save Sammy, he’d have to kill him.

But Dad was wrong. There’s another way out: Dean can just stand down and let it happen. When - if - Sam turns, he’s going to infect him as well, and it’ll be all over soon. They won’t even be aware of the end when it’s coming. They will no longer be themselves, lost in monstrous thirst, oblivious to what's happening. 

It scares Dean that he’s even considering this. His father taught him to always keep fighting, to put one foot in front of the other, no matter what was coming at him. And he’s done that, after Mom’s death, after Sam leaving for college, after Dad’s death, after he found out about Dad’s demon deal. But the last couple of weeks have worn him thin and he sees no way out of this one. 

He turns his back on the exam room door and on Sam, just for a minute. Rubs his hands down his face, feels his exhaustion battle with the adrenaline that fear keeps pumping through his body.

He has kept fighting, but, in truth, not for himself, but for Sam. It’s always been for Sam. Since his father told Dean to watch out for Sammy, and then to save him (from what, Dad, from what?!), it’s been his job. Dean should have been dead a while ago. He’s been walking around with a borrowed life ever since some other young guy’s heart gave out so his own could keep beating. Definitely since his father traded his life for Dean’s after the car crash. 

It seems fate (and his dad) kept him around for one purpose only - to protect Sam. And now that he’s failed at that, too, now that Sam is dying, there’s no reason for him to be here anymore. 

A knock on the door behind him startles Dean out of his thoughts. He swivels around to look directly into Sam’s anxious face.

“What?!” he almost snaps, his eyes quickly running down his brother’s face and neck through the glass partition, expecting to see dark black lines appear. But Sam’s skin looks clean.

Sam points at his watch. “The doctor wanted to test my blood every two hours,” he says loudly through the glass. “It’s time again.”

The fear loosens its claws a little around Dean’s heart. For now, Sam still seems normal. For now, he’s still his little brother, alive and breathing.

Impatiently, Sam raps against the door again. “Will you let me out? I’m not going to bite you, I swear.” An unconvincing smirk tugs at his mouth.

Dean rolls his eyes and unlocks the door. Sam steps into the hallway, bringing with him the same smell of sweat and anxiety that Dean can smell on himself. 

“It’s been four hours now,” Sam says cautiously. “Do you think… maybe I got lucky? Maybe I’m not infected after all?”

Hope. Dean sees it shimmer in Sammy’s eyes, and it almost kills him. 

“How- how do you feel?” he brings out. 

“Fine. Nervous. I can’t sit still.” He chuckles nervously and runs his good hand through his hair. Dean sees that his fingernails are once more bitten to the quick. “But I feel fine. The others turned quickly. I don’t know, but maybe…?” 

Dean claps one hand on Sam’s shoulder and draws up an encouraging smile although, inside him, a terrible collision of hope and despair batters against his ribcage. 

“Let’s get you checked out then,” he says. “Doc’s in there.”

He steers his brother to the small lab room where the doctor is poring over slides and bloodwork of the previously infected. She looks up, a bit startled when they enter, and her questioning eyes flick from Sam to Dean.

“He’s still okay,” Dean says quickly. “Here for his bloodwork.”

The doctor relaxes and gives them a well-practiced smile. “Sit down then.” She points at a chair by the table. “Roll up your sleeve.”

Dean stays right next to Sam as she draws his blood, takes his pulse and blood pressure and checks his skin. So far, he’s clean, and Dean feels hope flutter–

No. 

He pushes the feeling back down. He won’t allow it. He can’t afford it. If Sam turns after all, it’ll crush him. He needs to be there for his baby brother, needs to see him through to the end, no matter how bad it’s going to get. And then he’s going to follow him. He won’t leave Sammy alone in the darkness. He won’t leave him. He won’t. It’s his job.

The Damage Control Series - Masterlist

Read the whole series on AO3 here:

[icefire149]

Certain parts of season 14 and 15 just rub me the wrong way. Everything about the shift when Mary dies again to set up conflict between Dean and Cas just doesn’t hit right. So here’s a new way I’d do it:

Jack still accidentally murders Mary, but after zipping around the Earth in a panic, he goes to Castiel. He has no fear that he’ll lose Cas over this. It’s Sam and Dean that he’s worried about. Especially Dean since he was horrible when he was born. Dean only more recently seemed like he really cared about him. He can’t mess this up. Jack brings Cas back to the house and explains what happened. 

We know Cas is a strategist and his mind would be in overdrive, because of course the Winchesters weren’t going to be okay with any of this. Hell, he’s barely keeping it together. Mary was his friend. But, Jack is his child and responsibility. And he loves him too much to let him suffer. So he devises a plan: Nick was trying to summon Lucifer from the Empty. He was succeeding. Jack and Mary were trying to stop him and Lucifer obliterated Mary. Jack wasn’t quick enough but he was able to send Lucifer back into the Empty and in a rage killed Nick. Now Jack is panicking because it’s still his fault, but not his fault. It’s Nick and Lucifer’s. And Jack while being mostly soulless is still a bit hesitant to weave such a lie to their family, but he agrees. Cas reassures him that the Winchesters will be devastated, but they’ll understand better this way. As a family, all of them will be able to grieve and move on eventually. Because: Nick shouldn’t have done what he did. It was high tension and everyone was upset, and it was inevitable an accident happened. It was just a terrible accident. 

Distraught, Jack asks if there’s anything they can do to fix things? If they can bring Mary back? If they had a body....maybe. This leads Jack to want to see Rowena to see if she could just bring Mary back. They decide to try, but stick to the story. Cas gets zapped back to his truck and Jack goes to Rowena. So we have the similar situation where Jack in a panic tries to force Rowena to fix things and she tries, but also still tips off the Winchesters. Still the magic doesn’t work and Jack is scared. Sam and Dean get to the house and are a mess trying to make heads or tails of the mess. Automatically the blame is on Jack. They’ve been worried about his soul. He must have gone completely dark side. And we’ll note that Dean is the one crawling out of his skin pacing and ranting. Sam is more withdrawn. Jack flies into Cas’ truck when he’s almost there. Cas goes into the house first. He tells Jack to wait in the truck. Cas bars the doorway with his body while he tries to explain the ‘tale’ Jack told him in the car and how devastated he is over Mary and terrified of what they, Sam & Dean, will do next. 

Dean believes Cas. It’s Cas. His anger rolls into grief & tears. His mom died. How did he get here where he has to bury her again. Cas comforts Dean with soft touch and words. He’s sorry. He’s so sorry. Cas gives into his own grief a bit. It’s Sam that continues to stand there in quiet rage. It’s like his whole lifetime of trauma is torn open again. And now there’s this new angry wound that’s only festered since Amara brought Mary back. Yes, he should be grateful that he’s gotten to know her at all, but.....it was never right. She never stayed long enough to really know him. Emotionally her bond with Dean was always stronger. He was always just a fly on the wall. She was his mom too. And now...even Cas is crying more than him. When the hell was she ever anything to him? Sam’s anger spirals, but he’s trying to keep it down. He keeps going over the house there. Something about everything isn’t sitting right with him. There’s something off. He knows it. 

So with the funeral and going home to the bunker, things feel flipped. Jack and Cas were most worried about Dean, but it’s Sam they should be worried about. Dean is angry and upset, but he’s not blaming Jack. He’s actually trying to be there for Jack. This development has Cas over the moon, because this is all he ever wanted. For them to be a family. While Dean fell into the cycle of his father’s anger when Cas died s12/13....this time he’s being what he/John should have been. And Sam is the one sinking into John’s cycle of anger. Sam’s the one drinking a bit more. He’s quiet, but there’s an anger that’s clearly there. He’s distancing himself from Jack and Cas. Eventually he blows up and admits that he blames Jack and his soullessness. For all they know he hurt her / let her get hurt purposely. Which gets Cas angry and Sam flat out admits that he doesn’t trust Cas’ word. Something feels off to him, and this isn’t the first time Cas has tried to go behind their backs. He has quite the history of it. 

This causes Sam, Dean, and Cas to go at it yelling. Jack overhears some and blames himself for ruining everything again. He’s been nothing but trouble for their family. Maybe it would be better if he just left. So he does. This ties us back to Jack being manipulated by Heaven. Dean and Cas are out trying to find him. All ties back in to Jack goes home and finds Sam alone in the bunker. And it’s easy to fall back into the trust Jack has always had with Sam. He’s always had Jack’s back. And he manipulates Jack, telling him that they’ve worked out a spell to bring Mary back. They altered the malak box spell work to harness and focus Jack’s powers. It should be enough. Dean and Cas will be back any minute with Rowena. Jack eagerly believes him and does as he’s told. Jack gets in the box and he stares up at Sam nervous. Sam tells him that there’s nothing to worry about anymore. Cas told them everything. They can fix things now. And Jack looks at him confused, everything? Sam presses that yes, Cas explained how it was an accident. Jack breathes a sigh of relief and then crumbles into tears, how he didn’t mean to. He asked her to stop, but she wouldn’t give him a moment to breathe and then..it was an accident. He didn’t mean to hurt her. And cold as ice Sam goes, I know, and closes the lid. Locking the box. 

It’s a while before Dean and Cas make it back. Jack has enough time to completely unravel in his grief, and anger, and realization that Sam lied and tricked him. Everyone keeps manipulating him and lying. Dean and Cas get back and start arguing with Sam. Just like in the show, Jack breaks out and leaves. Sam still goes into it explaining the truth he got from Jack. Cas LIED. He covered up Mary’s death. He’s known the truth all along. Dean refuses to believe Sam. He’s mistaken. 

Things roll into Moriah and Jack makes it so no one can lie. And because of that the truth finally comes out of Cas’ mouth. And Dean breaks. He tells Cas that he’s dead to him. Cas leaves to look for Jack on his own. Dean’s fury goes in on Jack. He never should have gotten attached. Jack was always a monster. All of this rolls into Chuck’s return and manipulation. He pushes Dean to kill Jack. And the puzzle pieces click into place for Sam. He realizes how much this is all a game to Chuck. Chuck pulled the strings to make every bad thing that’s happened in his life happen just for his own entertainment: Mom, their childhood, dad’s shitty parenting, Jess, demon deals, demon blood, Dean going to Hell, Ruby, the apocalypse, visions, unanswered prayers, EVERYTHING..... Chuck’s newest episode of entertainment was causing Jack to accidentally kill Mary and have to live with the consequences of losing his only family over it. Sam’s anger goes directly into Chuck. 

He needs to get to Dean. Meanwhile Dean finds Cas and Jack in the cemetery. Cas gets between them and tries to talk Dean down. Dean is shaking with fury. He’s never been this mad before. He hated Jack for being born and getting Cas killed, and then he grew to love the kid as family, and he hates him for making him feel this much. He killed his mom, and lied about it. Cas tries to explain that he was trying to protect all of them. He was trying to maintain their family. Dean coldly goes, there’s no family here to maintain. I’m a hunter. Saving people and hunting monsters is the family business, and....I see two monsters in front of me. And he holds the equalizer up, shakily. Jack sends Cas flying so he can approach Dean. He understands what Dean has to do. He accepts it and he’s sorry. Jack gets on his knees and waits. Dean can’t quite do it. He’s trying.

Sam and Chuck get there. Sam starts yelling how Chuck set this whole thing up. Chuck is trying to make Dean do this...for his own entertainment. And everything rolls back into what the actual show did. Dean can’t kill Jack and Sam shoots Chuck. Everything continues to roll similarly as s15 did, but the divorce arc is leaning heavily on Dean is angry about Cas betraying him. 

[chipper9906]

Bound To You - Chapter 11: Always Happy To Bleed For The Winchesters

< - - - Previous Chapter

WARNING: SPOILERS FOR SEASON 15

NOTE: Pairings and Ratings Will Change As Story Is Updated

Pairings: Castiel/Dean Winchester, Eileen Leahy/Sam Winchester

Rating: General Audiences

Chapter Word Count: 7,338

Overall Word Count: 84,673

Status: Multi Chapter Fic - In Progress (11/?)

Chapter Preview:

The smug, knowing look that crossed Claire’s face was not one Dean was expecting at his stuttered answer (if it can even be called an answer), the young woman turning to Kaia with a roll of her eyes and a good-natured slap to the arm. “See, what did I tell you? Knew he’d do it eventually…”

“Uh… do what?” Dean asks.

“Oh, not much,” Claire says with a grin much too sly for Dean’s liking. “Me and Kaia just had a bet going on which one of you would confess to the other first. I bet Cas would do it first. Kaia bet you’d do it first, but I said you were way too emotionally constipated to manage something like that.”

“You just cost me ten bucks…” Kaia mumbled in Dean’s direction.

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Character Key For Telepathic Conversations

'Italic Text' - Castiel

'Bold Text' - Dean

  The second time Dean rides as a passenger in the Impala since��� the incident… is different from the first time. That car ride home was nothing less than awkward, of stale silences and anxious side glances from his brother.

This time? Dean has a smile on his face. The mood is light, the silence replaced with soft rock blasting from the cassette player, of airy laughs from Eileen whenever he taps her shoulder from the backseat and tries to sign the lyrics to a song he’s taken a particular liking to, and Sam’s grunts of telling him to knock it off and stop distracting him; even when he’s got a smile on his face, too.

To put it simply… the hope is palpable. They’re celebrating like they’ve already got Cas back. Like they’ve already won.

Dean tries his best not to let his nerves at that show.

“You really should have let me call Jody ahead and let her know,” Sam throws at Dean over his shoulder as the sign for ‘Sioux Falls’ flashes by them.

“You telling me you’re not looking forward to seeing the look on their faces when they see me like this? And find out that Cas is chilling up here with me?” Dean retorts.

“But did you have to knock my phone out of my hands?” Sam complains, turning the Impala towards the exit ramp of the highway. “Concrete floors aren’t great for fragile glass screens, you know.”

“Your nerdy ass loves any chance to tinker with toys. I gave you a reason to replace your screen. You’re welcome.”

‘Considering you two live off of scammed credit cards, you’re very care-free with your expensive electronics.’

‘Thanks to Charlie, we don’t have to worry about that kind of stuff anymore. Nothing better than scamming credit card companies, Cas. Bastards do all they can to bleed people dry.’

‘If you say so. Perhaps you’d see it differently if you were actually earning a wage.’

‘Oh God, I forgot you didn’t properly get to ‘meet’ the us from the other world… They got paid to hunt monsters, and you know what? I’d rather live off credit card fraud and be myself than be… whatever the hell they were… assholes had their own damn plane…’

‘Are you saying you wouldn’t want your own plane?’

‘Don’t like flying Cas. Prefer to keep my feet on the ground, thank you very much.’

‘You don’t like flying?’

‘Hell no. Trapped in a stuffy metal tube with hundreds of other people, babies crying throughout the whole damn flight, eating overpriced and stale snacks? Oh, and the fact that I’m not in control of the plane whatsoever? And even if I was - if something were to go wrong? Not much you can do but hope you go quick.’

‘Oh. I suppose it’s different for me. I love… um, I loved flying. Plus there’s the fact that we as angels were designed for flying whereas you… were not.’

‘Yeah… and you have a few billion years’ experience over me with flying. Probably as natural to you as walking.’

‘Hmm… I suppose that’s where angels and humans are different. Our ability of flight… it’s part of who we are. A major part of what makes up our true form is our wings. The ability to travel the entire globe, even to anywhere within the Universe if we so pleased – in the span of a second? I’ll admit, it was something I took for granted.’

‘You still miss your wings, huh? I mean, I know you still have them, but…’

‘But they’re broken. It’s okay Dean, you can say it. And, yes, I still miss them. I always will. But it gets easier. You adapt to these things. You learn… there’s more important things.’

‘Yeah… that’s… that’s some words to live by, Cas. Kind of wish I could have seen your wings. I mean, I know you did the whole shadow puppet thing when we first met to show off – and don’t deny that wasn’t what you were doing; I got that smug face of yours seared into my brain. Hell, not even just your wings. I wish I could have been one of those ‘special people’ who get to see your true form.’

‘You… you do?’

‘Course I do, Cas. Sure, I think of you and I see Jimmy’s face, and… well, Jimmy’s face and his body are you now, in a way, but… I don’t know, you’ve seen both my physical form and my soul, and then… I’ve never been able to see the real face of the angel I’ve fallen for.’

‘I don’t think you’d truly want to see me… an angel's true form is… ‘unsettling’, to say the least.’

‘Cas, I don’t care if you’re really ‘the size of the Chrysler building’ and have multiple animal heads like Zacharia did. You’re Cas. You could be in Jimmy’s body, in some random dude's body, your true form, whatever. It doesn’t matter to me. So long as I know it’s you in there? I’ll love whatever is staring back at me.’

‘…what if I was possessing Sam?’

‘Not only did you ruin the moment, but you made it super weird. I’m kinda impressed.’

“What are you two gossiping about now?” Sam’s amused voice brought Dean back into the present, realizing with a startle that they were already pulling into Jody’s driveway.

“Eh, nothing much. Cas just wanted to know If I’d still bone him while he was possessing you.”

“What?!” Sam spluttered, slamming on the brakes a little harder than he intended.

‘That’s not what I meant!’

“That’s messed up, Cas!” Sam turned wide-eyed to face Dean, his startled and disgusted look boring straight through to Cas. “I hope you told him no, Dean!”

‘Technically, you haven’t said no-.’

‘NO, Cas! I would still love you, but that is a line I am not willing to cross.’

“What the hell is happening?” Eileen had her arms braced against Baby’s dash, not at all expecting the rather sudden stop.

“You don’t want to know,” Sam signed towards Eileen, giving Dean one last offended look before switching off the Impala’s engine.

Sam and Eileen had only just transferred Dean from the Impala into his wheelchair when the front door to the Mill’s home swung open, an already welcoming smile plastered on Jody’s face as she took in the sight of Sam and Eileen.

“I thought I heard the Impala’s obnoxiously loud engine,” Jody joked, leaving the front door open a crack as she steps out into the driveway. “Where’s-,”

Jody’s face dropped as Sam shifted to the side, catching sight of an oddly cheerful-looking Dean Winchester sat within a wheelchair. She hadn’t meant for her mouth to drop open the way that it did, or for her mind to fully expect for Dean to jump straight out of the wheelchair and all three of them to burst into laughter at her reaction in what would be some sick prank. But he doesn’t. Instead, he wheels closer to her, the cheerful smile on his face wavering as the seconds tick by.

“Okay Sammy, maybe you were right… Probably should have warned her…”

“What is…” Is all Jody can get out at first, clearing her throat and shaking her head at the ridiculousness of the situation. “What happened?”

“Now that is one hell of a story…” Dean says with a half-hearted laugh. “And it ties into the reason we’re here.”

“I did want to tell you first, but Dean decided he wanted to be an asshole about it,” Sam offers, giving Jody an awkward wave. “Oh, and… this is Eileen.’

“Hello…” Eileen greeted the sheriff with a wave that was somehow even more awkward than Sam’s.

“Right… well, um… you should probably come in…” Jody says, glancing back to the front door. “I’m guessing you’re not just here to catch up?”

“Afraid not. We, uh… we actually need to speak to Claire, too.” Sam said.

Jody frowned at that, crossing her arms across her chest as she stared them down. Typically, when the Winchesters needed to speak to you, it was either because you were in trouble, or they were about to get you into trouble. “…What for?”

“It’s probably best Claire joins us first. Just so we can get the whole story out in one go.” Sam tells her.

“You’re telling me that the reason Dean is… you know… ties into you needing Claire?”

“Sounds weird, but yeah,” Dean says.

Jody can only sigh at that, uncrossing her arms and waving at them to follow as she turns back towards the Mill’s family home.

“You boys do like to test me…”

 * * *

Dean had never felt so out of place. Sam and Eileen were sat comfortably on the couch in the living room whilst he was sort of just… off to the side in his wheelchair. Yeah, he could have sat on the couch if he wanted to, but a) he’d rather not be squashed up against Sam and Eileen, and b) …he’s too lazy to move back and forth from the wheelchair.

Plus, even though he feels bad for how distraught Jody looked at the sight of him, he still kinda wanted to see Claire’s reaction.

Sam’s right, he is an asshole…

Speak of the devil, those bounding ‘taking two steps at a time’ footsteps stomping down the stairs could only be those of teenage angst, two other pairs of footfalls following just behind, though much calmer than the ones of the blonde-haired girl that appears in the doorframe leading to the living room.

“Sup dorks-,”

It seemed that Claire is taking after Jody more and more every time that Dean sees her, considering the fact that her expression is pretty much identical to Jody’s, her eyes drawn to Dean sticking out like a sore thumb in the room.

“I know,” Dean says as seriously as he can. “I just get more handsome the older I get, don’t I?”

Claire was so frozen in place that Kaia, who had been following just behind, nearly ran into the back of her. Kaia’s eyes widened upon seeing them, partly hidden by Claire with a hand hanging onto Claire’s sleeve as what could ever be a comforting gesture for Claire, or an attempt to ground herself.

“Oh my God…”

“Nope, we took care of him,” Dean joked.

“Jack took care of him,” Sam corrected him. “We got our asses handed to us.”

“Whatever.”

“Come on then,” Jody’s voice booms from the bottom of the staircases, striding into the living room and brushing past Claire and Kaia as she went. “Apparently, we’ve got a story to hear.”

Claire finally snapped herself out of her frozen trance, taking a few timid steps into the living room with Kaia following close behind as usual. “How bad is it?” She asked Dean, unable to tear her eyes from his limp legs.

“I can’t walk so, you know, not great. Still got my arms and the use of little Dean though, so-,”

“Let’s not get too detailed,” Jody cuts him off, holding out a hand to stop him with a grimace. “Did you… did you break your back?”

“More like shattered. But, uh… probably best we go from the beginning, like Sam said.”

“Wait…” Claire stopped Dean before he could start, her eyes darting between all three of them. “Where’s Castiel? And no offense, but uh… who’s this chick?”

“Claire!” Jody scolded her surrogate daughter. “It's not a crime to remember manners every once in a while, you know.”

“I’m Eileen,” Eileen answered, the off-rhythm tone of her voice getting Claire to raise her eyebrows in recognition.

“Oh! Are you, um… hard of hearing?”

“Lost all my hearing as a baby to a banshee,” Eileen answers. “I can read lips, though.”

“A banshee? Does that mean you’re a hunter, too?” Kaia piped up, starting to shift away from her hiding space behind Claire.

“Born and raised, pretty much,” Eileen answers.

“We met Eileen a few years go on a banshee hunt – the same banshee, actually,” Sam adds. “She, uh…”

“I was killed by a Hellhound set on me by the British Men of Letters,” Eileen finishes the sentence Sam struggled to say.

“Oh…” Claire is just about able to get out, staring bug-eyed at the female hunter in front of her. “And now you’re…?”

“Don’t worry, she’s alive. And human,” Dean reassured them. “Sam went all witch-mode and brought her back.”

“You… Sam, you did what?” Jody spluttered in her mom voice.

The power of ‘the mom voice’ had Sam instinctively cowering in submission. “The spell was mostly completed already…”

“Okay…” Claire butt in before Jody could scold Sam for dabbling in witchcraft. “So… where’s Jack and Cas? Could they not make it…?”

“Technically… they’re both here, in a way,” Dean says with a grin.

Sam sends yet another classic bitch face his way. “Dean-,”

“Alright, alright, I’ll stop being cryptic,” Dean mutters in defeat. “So… you remember when Jack got sick? After he died… Cas found him in Heaven. Along with the Empty… Cas decided to be a dumbass and make a deal without telling us. Jack came back and… Cas’s life was exchanged for it.”

The grief-stricken look that passed across Claire’s face had Dean scrambling to continue. “He’s not dead! Not right now, anyway. He, uh… he sacrificed himself for me. Death was coming for us – and I’m talking the literal Death here – and Cas used his deal with the Empty against her.”

“Wait, I’m confused-,” Jody interrupted Dean’s story. “What exactly was the deal Castiel made?”

 “He took Jack’s place in the Empty. Except, the Empty decided it wanted to be a dick about it. It would only take Cas once he ‘experienced a moment of true happiness’, so…”

“So… Cas forced himself to experience a moment of true happiness to… save you?” Claire asked. “How does that work?”

“The Empty… kinda had a grudge against Death. When Cas summoned the Empty to us, the Empty took Death along with Cas.”

“Oh… and, um… the moment of true happiness? What was that?”

Dean’s words froze in his throat, reluctant to leave his lips. There was something about the fact that he was saying it to Claire… the daughter of the guy his angel wears… he could only hope she didn’t find it too weird…

“Well… uh… he…”

The smug, knowing look that crossed Claire’s face was not one Dean was expecting at his stuttered answer (if it can even be called an answer), the young woman turning to Kaia with a roll of her eyes and a good-natured slap to the arm. “See, what did I tell you? Knew he’d do it eventually…”

“Uh… do what?” Dean asks.

“Oh, not much,” Claire says with a grin much too sly for Dean’s liking. “Me and Kaia just had a bet going on which one of you would confess to the other first. I bet Cas would do it first. Kaia bet you’d do it first, but I said you were way too emotionally constipated to manage something like that.”

“You just cost me ten bucks…” Kaia mumbled in Dean’s direction.

“Excuse me-,”

“The only way I could see you making the first move would be to kiss Cas at some random ass time, panic that you did it, and then run away,” Claire told him, counting the events on her fingers.

“I…” Damn, she was probably right… “Uh… you knew?”

Claire scoffed at that, feeling comfortable enough to walk further into the room and drop down into the armchair opposite, leaning back against the cushioned pillow with her arms crossed. “Please. I don’t have many memories of my dad, but I remember the way he would look at my mom. Cas has the same damn look when he looks at you.”

‘Well… it IS his face…’

‘Yeah, and that probably freaks her out a little so… maybe not mention that?’

“Hey, me and Eileen had a bet going too!” Sam says jovially, the amused smile on his face slipping away as he caught sight of Dean’s fiery glare. “Sorry…”

“Alright, alright, everyone knew me and Cas had a thing for each other before either of us did. We got it…” Dean grumbles, copying the moody teenager opposite by crossing his arms, glaring at the concealed smiles of the others in the room.

Claire perks up as she picks out something Dean had just said. “Uh… did you just say we?”

‘Time to shine, Cas…’

Jody, Claire, and Kaia startle at the piercing blue light that overtakes Dean’s eyes, unsettled by the unnaturally blank and tense posture that comes over Dean. Three pairs of frantic eyes shift over to Sam and Eileen, only relaxing marginally when they see the two aren’t phased by what was happening.

The blue slowly fades away as Dean slumps back into his chair, shaking his head and blinking sluggishly as the disorientation of possession switching clings to him. He raises his eyes up, settling on Claire with a light smile that was oddly familiar to the teenager, yet looked so foreign on Dean…

“Hello, Claire.”

She didn’t know how, but she knew straight away. Perhaps it was the strained, constipated sounding way he spoke, or his voice dropping deeper (which she thought was impossible already), or the way Dean’s eyes had lost that playful and joking edge they usually held with her, replaced with a much softer and more… more fatherlike look.

“Castiel? Is that… is that you?”

“It is for now, yes,” Castiel answers. “Dean and I… we are currently sharing possession of his body. To repeat Dean’s earlier words, Dean decided to ‘be a dumbass’-,”

‘How dare you-,’

“-during a hunt and got himself injured.”

“Like… ‘shattering your spine’ injured?”

“More than that,” Sam says darkly, gritting his teeth against the harsh memory of that night. “It was a pack of Vamps that had been around for a while. And when I say a while, I mean our Dad once tried hunting them. One of them managed to get ahold of Dean and it… it shoved Dean into a rebar.”

“The rebar pierced through his back and into his chest,” Cas embellished, the others grimacing at the image. “It punctured his heart, along with a lung. And, as you can imagine, it did some devastating damage to his spine. Fortunately… Dean made the decision to pray to me. Dean saved me from the Empty, and in return, I saved his life. But… my grace is running low. I used a majority of it healing Dean’s wounds, but it wasn’t enough-,”

“I thought your grace recharged itself?” Claire asks.

“It does, usually. I’m not entirely sure the reason for it, though I believe it may be connected to Heaven’s weakened power… Either way, it’s still not replenishing itself. In fact… it’s doing the opposite.”

“You’re running out of your grace?” Claire leans forward as she says this, her brow pinched in worry. “What does that mean for you? Will you…”

“I could die. Or I may live in Dean’s body, forcing him out and killing him.”

“Oh… And, um… what happened to… to my dad’s body?”

Castiel frowned at the way Claire’s voice seemed to shrink on itself as she asks him this, for a moment seeing the frightened little girl that stood in the doorframe, asking for her daddy as an alien being takes him away from her forever.

“That’s the reason we’re here, Claire,” Castiel tells her. “I know I’ve taken so much from you already. And now… I have to ask more of you again.”

Claire shuffled uncomfortably under Castiel’s intense and sorrowful gaze. Kaia is by her side within seconds, hovering near the armchair as she senses Claire’s clear discomfort. “Is this going to be dangerous?” Kaia asks on Claire’s behalf.

“No, it shouldn’t be,” Cas answered, unable to see Sam looking uneasily at him in a quick side-glance. “I am asking you… for your permission; your permission to use your father’s body once more as my own. We believe it might be the only way to keep me alive, as transferring me to another vessel may just use up the last of my grace, but seeing as I already had your father’s permission…”

“Right…” Claire mutters, clearing her throat and dragging her line of sight back up to face Dea- no, Castiel. “I’m not going to lie to you Castiel, it’ll always be kind of weird for me. But… I know Dad’s up there with mom, and that they’re happy, and… asides from my actual dad, you’re the closest thing I have to one, so… If this means I don’t have to lose you too, then yeah. You have my permission.”

Claire stubbornly fights back the burning tears in her eyes at the watery smile Castiel gives her, always taken aback to see the once stoic and hard-ass angel showing such raw emotion.

“Thank you, Claire. There’s… one more thing I need to ask of you.”

“Actually-,” Sam interrupts, much to Cas’ surprise. “There might be two things…”

Both Eileen and Cas frown up at him, racking their brains to try and remember the extra ingredient that they apparently needed from Claire.

“We found a spell that might be able to re-create your dad’s body without needing his soul,” Sam begins to explain to Claire, ignoring Eileen and Cas’s inquisitive stares. “One of the ingredients requires a vial of blood from a relative of the vessel. And… you’re the only surviving relative that we know of.”

“That… seems easy…” Claire says, suspicious at how simple this was all sounding.

“That one should be no problem, but uh…” Sam sighs, switching his gaze over to Castiel. “Listen Cas, I didn’t want to bring this up back at the bunker because I kind of had a feeling you’d shoot it down before I could even ask Claire.”

“…Sam…. What are you talking about?” Castiel asked, already dreading the answer.

Sam sighs deeply once again, tearing his gaze away from Cas and back to Claire. “Thing is, we need to use Cas’ grace for the spell. Problem with that is that there’s not much for us to use, and… we don’t really know what could happen if we don’t use enough. The last time this spell was used, the spell caster used pretty much all of the angel’s grace. I’m guessing we need all the grace we can get, and um… I was thinking about it, and… you see, the thing about possession is that the angel typically leaves a piece of their grace behind inside the previous vessel. And, if I remember right… Cas once possessed you.”

“No,” Castiel said sternly, the harshness in his tone making everyone in the room startle at the reminder of the powerful angel in their presence. Castiel knew what Sam was getting at. He knew what this was leading to.

“It’s worth a shot, Cas,” Sam argued, not backing down from Castiel’s ticked off glare. He holds Castiel’s gaze for a few moments before breaking it, turning back to Claire as he continues. “There was a time when I was possessed myself by an angel. We were able to use a, uh… kind of like a big needle to extract the grace from me-,”

“And it nearly killed you!” Castiel spat out. “We might not even need that much of my grace for the spell. Sam, it is not worth the risk-,”

“We don’t know that. And we won’t go all the way, Cas,” Sam assured him before turning desperate eyes back to Claire. “We won’t, Claire. I promise we won't. We managed to extract some grace from me without killing me. It won't extract all of Cas’s grace, but… that extra bit of grace from you could be the difference between this experiment failing, or saving Cas’s life. It’s all up to you, okay? If you don’t want to do this, we won’t force you into it.”

Nearly everyone in the room looked uneasy at Sam’s plan. Hell, even Sam didn’t look like he liked his own suggestion, but mostly… it was a look of desperation, of understanding, patiently waiting when you’re on the edge of your seat waiting for the answer. Claire got to take this all in, along with Dean’s – or Cas’s, she supposed – conflicted grimace, unable to meet her eyes.

“What about this makes it dangerous?” Jody’s voice broke the tension. “You mentioned a needle?”

Sam nodded his head, reaching down to the duffel bag by his feet and unzipping it. All eyes in the room focused on him as he rummaged through the bag, their faces paling at the imposing metal syringe Sam held in his hands.

“The Grace has to be extracted from the neck…” Sam tells them, his own face twisting into a grimace at the reminder of his own experience. “That’s what made it dangerous. To get all the grace… you need to push the needle in further and further. But we’re not going to do that, okay?”

Sam placed the syringe to the side, picking up on how Claire was unable to tear her gaze away from the menacing instrument. “Cas can monitor you the whole time, right Cas? We’ll keep to a safe level, extracting what we can.”

Claire nodded her head, just barely noticeable, her eyes drifting across the room as she sits, lost in thought. “And… doing this… it’ll help you?” Claire directed the question at Castiel, her eyes briefly flickering up to meet Dean’s.

“I… I suppose so, yes,” Castiel begrudgingly admitted. “Every piece of my grace would help, but Claire-,”

“Then I’ll do it.”

Castiel’s mouth swung shut at her answer, taken aback by the assured confidence in her voice.

Kaia looked to Claire, torn between wanting to say what was on her mind, but also wanting to respect her decision. “Are you sure?”

“I’m sure,” Claire insisted with a soft smile at the girl behind her. “I’ll be fine, I promise. Cas is looking out for me.”

‘Huh… you know, you and Claire have the same smile. I mean, I know it’s Jimmy’s smile, but… you smile at me like that, too.’

“I can’t say I’m feeling all that jazzed about this decision,” Jody says. “But… I also know it’s not mine to make. Just… be careful. Please.”

“I’ll intervene before even the slightest bit of harm could be inflicted,” Castiel assured Jody in that sincere grovel of his that the Winchesters know mean he’s ready to sacrifice himself if it comes to it. “I give you my word.”

“Okay, let’s just…” Claire tried not to shudder at the thought of what that needle would feel like in her neck… “Let’s get this over with…”

* * *

Claire was able to hold back a wince as the marginally smaller needle slid out from the crook of her elbow, barely even able to get a glimpse of the puncture wound it left behind before Jody was swabbing at it with the gauze from the first aid kit.

She did get a glimpse of the small glass vial filled with a dark crimson liquid that was once running through her veins, now held in Sam’s hands. He carefully screwed the lid back on the top, avoiding spilling any of what was – technically – a precious ingredient to them now.

“Never liked getting blood tests taken…” Claire mumbled, rolling her eyes at the brightly colored care-bears band-aid that Kaia stuck over her arm.

“Better than having to slice your palm open a few thousand times for spells,” Sam said, handing the vial over to Eileen for safe storage. “Makes handling weapons a pain for a few weeks…”

“Maybe you guys should just keep bags of your blood around or something for that,” Claire joked from the couch. “With how often you guys get injured, it would probably be useful.”

‘Doubt a bag of blood would have fixed my heart, but it’s the thought that counts.’

The joking smile on Claire’s face disappeared the second the ridiculously big syringe was back in Sam’s hands, the sight of that long and sharp needle sending chills up her spine.

A small smile of sympathy hitched at Sam’s lips at the clear apprehension on Claire’s face. He takes the few steps over to the couch where Claire was sat, followed closely behind by Cas as he wheels himself next to Claire.

“You might want to lie down for this,” Castiel tells her. “The procedure is… unpleasant.”

Claire swallowed nervously at his warning, shifting around on the couch until her head was resting against the mountain of pillows that Jody had quickly built for her, placing trembling hands across her stomach as she waits for something that’s going to be – well, ‘unpleasant.’

Her eyelids flutter shut at the comforting touch of Castiel’s hand on her forehead, able to feel the gentle hum of Castiel’s grace just beyond the skin of his hand. It was weird to think that it was searching through her body, taking account of her pulse, her rate of breathing, the smallest sign that something was amiss.

“Are you ready?” Sam’s voice filters through her thoughts. Keeping her eyes firmly shut, she nods her head. She didn’t want to see the needle again. She especially didn’t want to see it going in her neck…

‘Unpleasant’ was not the right word, she very quickly decided. In fact, ‘unpleasant’ was pretty damn far from the word she would use to describe the burning pain that takes over every other sensation in her body. ‘Unpleasant’ was a word used for heartburn, or when you scrape your knee falling off your bike as a kid.

She finds her hands digging into the couch underneath her, gripping onto the soft material in a vice-like grip. She has no doubt that Jody isn’t going to appreciate the gouge marks she makes in the expensive leather with her nails, but that’s a problem for future Claire. Right now, present Claire has to focus on remembering how to breathe, on keeping the scream that wants to burst out from her lungs settled in place, on easing pressure in her jaw as she clenches her teeth in case she ends up biting her tongue.

The needle slides in further and, somehow, the pain gets worse. She didn’t think it could, but oh boy, was she wrong. It’s a damn miracle she’s able to bite back the scream, but even her tightly clenched eyelids were unable to stop the few tears that squeezed their way out. There’s a hand brushing through her hair – likely Jody’s – and another hand gripping onto hers almost as tightly as the other is burrowing into the couch – one she knows for sure is Kaia’s. She almost can’t feel them, but… they’re distractions. They take away from the pain in just the slightest, but quite frankly, she’ll take as much as she can get.

“That’s enough.”

Dean’s voice had never been so relieving to hear, even if it was in that freaky deep voice that sounded like Dean trying – and failing- to mimic Castiel’s. You wouldn’t think the feeling of a needle slipping out of your throat would feel good, but anything was better than the agonizing pain she had just been going through.

“There. It’s over.” Sam’s relieved voice finally gets her to pry her eyes open. The sight of the wispy, cloud-like blue gas shifting around within the syringe is almost mesmerizing to see. That grace was inside her – still inside her, in fact – and she had no idea. She can never feel it, it’s just… there.

Seeing five heads peering down at her was rather jarring, even if she knew they were doing it out of worry for her. “Jeez, could you guys back up a bit? I promise I’m not dying…”

“Technically, she’s telling the truth,” Castiel said, his hand slipping away from her head. “I can’t sense any permanent damage done. You might feel somewhat weak for a few hours, possibly a day, but you should recover fairly quickly.”

“How are you feeling?” Jody asks, the worry in her eyes remaining despite Castiel’s diagnosis. She offers a hand to Claire, who gladly takes it, allowing herself to be pulled up into a sitting position.

“About as well as you can after having a needle in your neck…”

‘I think she takes after me more than you, Cas.’

‘You passing on your sarcastic deflections is not something to be proud of, Dean…’

‘Hell yeah it is. Being honest is for losers.’

‘Huh…. For so long, I worried that Jack was going to take after Lucifer… I should have been more worried he’d take after you.’

‘Damn. Don’t get me wrong, that was a great burn, but also… screw you.’

‘Actually, I was waiting for you to do that.’

‘Ha, that’s… Wait, wha-,’

“This spell of yours better work after all that…” Claire tells Sam, getting one last look at the vial of Castiel’s grace before it joins the other vial of her blood that’s tucked away inside Sam’s duffel.

“Thanks to you, it just might,” Sam responds with a grateful smile.

A flash of blue pulls Claire’s gaze away from Sam, glancing over to see the last second of Castiel before being greeted by eyes she knows belongs to Dean Winchester. She can only grunt in surprise when Dean’s arms are wrapping around her back, yanking her towards in a rather clumsy and awkward hug.

“That’s from both of us,” Dean says quietly in her ear, his arms tightening around her side.

Claire chuckled at the unusual softness Dean was displaying, along with the fact that Dean was very nearly dragging her off the couch with his hug. “You went back into the bad place to get Kaia back, so… only fair I did what I could to get Cas back to you.”

Another laugh bubbled out as she felt the heartfelt hug turn into more of a tense hold, patting Dean’s arm in sympathy at what she knew was going to be an awkward question from Dean once he pulled away from the hug.

“Uh, actually, about that… Me and Cas were kinda wondering…”

“Just try and reduce the number of times you two suck faces around me once you get Cas back,” Claire tells him, much to Dean’s – and Cas’s �� horror. “It’s gonna take me a while to not see it as you kissing my dad…”

“I’m not too sure what I just walked into, but it sounds like a juicy topic.”

The new voice in the room gets everyone to jump, those with weapons tucked away pulling them out in a smooth practiced motion, training them on the unexpected newcomer. Sam’s eyes widen over his pistol’s iron sight, lowering the gun instinctively once his brain registers that the woman smirking over at them was someone he knew.

“Rowena?” Sam splutters in surprise, gesturing for Jody to lower her own gun – which she did somewhat reluctantly. “How did you-,”

“Just a heads up deary, your devil's trap has been damaged. Think you might have some little micey’s nibbling away at your floorboard.” Rowena tells Jody with a sweet smile and an equally sweet-sounding voice.

“Who the hell are you?” Jody asks, pistol still held firmly in hand.

“Rowena. As Samuel over there just stated.”

Jody’s eyes narrow at the stranger in her living room. Sam’s judgment was the only reason she had her gun pointed to the floor, and not at this fiery woman. “Okay, I’ll be more specific; what are you?”

“Centuries-old witch. Freshly created damned soul. Demon. The Queen of Hell.” Rowena’s impressively fake friendly smile only widens at the discomfort that washes over Jody with every new title she provides. “Take your pick.”

“Sam...” Jody takes a step back from Rowena, instinctively moving closer to where Claire and Kaia were – nearly bumping into Castiel in the process.

“What are you doing here, Rowena?” Sam asks her, sensing the need to defuse the situation before Jody starts shooting.

“What I said I would do,” Rowena answers, sauntering over the armchair Claire was occupying not long ago and dropping into it like it was her own home. “Imagine my surprise when my demons pick up on an angel's grace on Earth that’s not occupying a vessel. I sent some of my men to investigate and… what do you know, they report back to me that the Winchester’s are involved. I could only assume this is a part of your little plan to save the angel?”

“I have a name,” Castiel grumbles from his spot by the couch, mostly blocking Claire and Kaia from view.

“Oh! I suppose that means Dean’s been placed in the timeout corner for the time being?”

‘…the timeout corner…?’

“If you’re asking me if Dean is currently the one not in possession, then yes.”

“Uh, I’m sorry, you guys are friends with a witch?” Claire leans away from Castiel to try and get a better look at the witch that was currently sitting in her favorite chair.

“Ah, well, you know the saying,” Rowena mused out loud, leaning back against the comfortable pillows of the armchair. “Keep your friends close…”

“Yeah… and I’m guessing you’re a powerful enemy to have?” Claire asks.

“Good instincts, that one,” Rowena notes to Jody.

“You still haven’t explained why you’re here,” Eileen interrupts, bringing Rowena’s attention over to her. “You were able to sense Castiel’s grace and… then what?”

“As I said, I can only assume this is a part of your plan to bring back Castiel here. I did say I’d help, didn’t I?”

“You? Are willing to help them?” Jody asks incredulously.

“Aye. It’s only fair I help them after they got me killed.”

“Um… you say that like you wanted to be killed?” Kaia asks.

“Oh no, not in the moment, heaven’s no. But it turned out that dying was the best thing that ever happened to me. No mother should outlive her child, but… it’s only right that I should take over my son’s throne, isn’t it?”

“Your son? Your son was the former king of-,” Jody stops as her brain makes the connection, looking between Rowena and Sam in disbelief. “Crowley? Crowley was your son?”

“You’re acquainted, I presume?”

Jody huffs out a laugh at that. “If you call trying to kill me on the first date ‘acquainted’, then yeah.”

“Ah, that sounds like my son… Both the ‘killing’ part and the ‘trying’… poor boy had so many ambitions, just always failed to reach them…”

“Are you saying your son ‘trying to kill me’ is an ambition-?!”

“Alright, alright, let's -,” Sam quickly jumped between the two ladies to defuse the tension, sensing an argument that could only end poorly. “Yes, we found something. One of the Men of Letter’s – our grandfather, actually – managed to create a spell with the help of a witch back then, uh… Anikka Whitmore?”

“Ah, Anikka…” Rowena drawls out the witch’s name, shaking her head in what Sam could only assume was fake pity. “Shame what happened to the poor girl… She just needed to help people… had a soft spot, you see… Every witch worth her money knows that helping the needy just attracts unwanted attention. She found that out far too late, I’m afraid…”

“Yeah, we… we found the pictures…” Sam says with a wince. “Actually, I have the spell on me right now…”

Sam hurriedly searched through his jacket pockets, pulling out the little folded square of delicate paper and rushing over to Rowena to hand it over. Rowena took the paper with careful hands, long nails unfolding the old paper before taking in the written spell.

“Hmm… Ah, that makes sense… perhaps a bit risky using angel's grace, but… the human blood should help to temper the grace’s volatile power…”

“Does it… does it seem like it will work?” Eileen asks, unable to stop herself from worrying over the fragile paper crumbling away in the witch’s hands.

“I don’t see why not, considering it says here that the experiment was ‘technically’ a success… just not in the way this poor lad was expecting…” Rowena tells them, handing the spell back over to Sam – much to Eileen’s relief. “Except…”

‘Ah, dammit. Of course there’s an ‘except’. Another ‘but’, or ‘however’. Always something… ’

“I don’t want to be the bearer of bad news, boys. But I have to say it. The amount of grace is… it’s a problem. The grace is essentially the power of this spell. It’s… it’s almost like the glue that puts the body back together. Creates new atoms, replicating DNA from the blood, then binds it all together. And since you said Castiel doesn’t have much of his grace left…”

Rowena’s sentence drifts off at the sight of Dean’s eyes flaring blue, watching as Castiel fades away behind green eyes. Those blank, unoccupied eyes quickly shift to ones of worry, of impending doom as Dean Winchester once again takes control of his body. “It’s not going to work…?”

“I’m not saying that,” Rowena said gently, keeping her gaze focused on Dean alone despite the four other pairs of eyes staring at her. “It’s hard to know for sure when I have never performed the spell myself – as well as it only being done once. There’s every chance this could work with the grace you have, but…”

“Don’t sugar coat it for me,” Dean insisted, his voice coming out weaker than he intended. “We need to know the risks.”

“If it’s not enough… the spell will break apart mid-way through. The body will begin to disintegrate back to nothing as the grace burns away, and once it's empty? That will be it. Castiel will be gone.”

“Is there anything you can do?” Dean asks. Though, ‘pleads’ would probably be a more apt word… “Something that can boost the spell?”

“There’s nothing I can do myself, no. The spell is simple enough, able to be cast by whoever. I’m afraid it won’t matter who casts it, as the power of the spell all comes down to one ingredient: the grace.”

“What about using another angel's grace, or-?”

Rowena stops Dean's blabbers with a shake of her head. “It has to be the grace of the angel that possessed the vessel. Unless another angel possessed the vessel?”

“Uh… that would be Lucifer…” Sam mumbled uncomfortably.

“Ah. Probably best not to go down that route…”

“So… how likely is it that… that this isn’t going to work?” Dean asks Rowena. “What’s the chance that…”

‘That I’m going to lose him,’ Dean thinks the words his mouth can’t voice.

“There's a chance,” Rowena's answer doesn’t make him feel any better. “But you want my honest opinion? Make sure you say all you need to before the spell. Don’t leave regrets.”

Rowena stood up from the armchair, feeling an unusual pang of sympathy in her chest at the crushed look on the elder Winchester’s face. “If you do make it back to the land of the living, Castiel? I expect an invitation to the wedding.”

And with that, Rowena was gone as quickly as she had come, leaving behind a room of uneasy stillness. Perhaps, in another world, Dean would roll his eyes at Rowena’s parting comment. He'd brush off whatever snarky comment Sam would add, perhaps even make a joke of his own, pretending he wasn’t picturing what that would be like; a private wedding, most likely, small and familiar, just the people he cares about most.

He doesn’t want to picture that in this world, though. Maybe even just a few hours ago, he’d let himself delve into such dangerous indulgences, of things he never thought he'd have. Hell, things he didn’t even know he wanted.

Now, though… what was the use of imagining such things, when in a few weeks he might just be falling asleep clutching the trench coat of who was once the husband in those dreams?

Next Chapter - - - >

[wakanda-flocka-flame-blog]

The 15x08 episode Preview is the Reason I’m Drunk.

Firstly, I must mention that the episode that airs tonight was written by Bucklemming and directed by Speight, so... get ready for pain and cheap jokes. :)

Alright here’s where we’re starting out. The kitchen.

This scene being shot in the kitchen is so important. This kitchen is regarded as the emotional hub of the Winchester family. It’s been a common place of gathering for the boys and their closest of kin. It served as Castiel’s happy place when he was being used by Lucifer in season 11 episode 18 “Hell’s Angel”. This kitchen was where they mourned the passing of their son, celebrated his return, and fought about how to handle his downfall -- which led to the “break up” between Dean and Castiel. 

Even though the kitchen is just one of many rooms in the bunker, the conversations that happen in this room are usually about the boys’ relationship with each other, the people they love, and the struggles they have with their emotional bonds. From Sam telling Dean he would have let him die if Dean had been the one to undergo the Trials in season 9 episode 13 “The Purge” to Jack asking Castiel why he can’t tell Dean and Sam about Cas’s Empty deal in season 14 episode 8 “Byzantium”. Unlike the strategy-bound plot points they tackle in their war room, the sickeningly violent threats in their dungeon, and the deafeningly long silences in their respective bedrooms, the kitchen is for family. 

The kitchen is the room in the bunker in which Castiel feels the most comfortable. In there, he is pictured seated lethargically or leaning on a table or wall whereas in any other room in the SPN!verse, he stands or sits stiffly at attention for the most part. I

It is also the place where Dean feeds his family. Dean is known to see food as a type of love language; he cooks and eats emotionally. He has been known to consistently prepare meals for and feed Cas who has slowly stopped reminding Dean that angels don’t eat. Like at the end of “Byzantium” when Dean, Sam, Jack, and Cas all shared a burger and a beer after Jack’s rebirth. 

Now, that that’s out of the way, let’s jump into the meat and potatoes of this meta study on the 15x08 midseason finale preview scene.

We open with Castiel sitting on his usual side of the kitchen table brooding, pensive, and alone. Immediately after, Dean appears by the door, peeking in before walking tentatively into the kitchen.

Something intense just happened between Castiel and Michael!Adam.

Cas glances up and they lock eyes for a second. The only time they give each other eye contact for the duration of the scene. Dean immediately heads to the fridge for a beer and opens it. He grabs this beer for show. He doesn’t seem to take a sip from it.

Note: This scene has running for 14 seconds in complete silence. Not even music. Just footsteps and breathing and Dean opening the fridge and popping a beer, so clearly that’s what the show is trying to get us to focus on. ITS QUIET. It’s tense. It’s strange. It sticks out to you as uncomfortable. This is on purpose.

Dean leans in the frame as though he’s standing at the table where he usually sits. The angle is staged in a way where they are both in the shot, but cannot be in focus at the same time.

For most of s15 a table has been between them whenever they were in a scene alone. There is intentional space here. They’re usually standing so close, a Bible couldn’t get through them. Dean has openly told Castiel to back up. This is weird for them, and it speaks volumes. They’re not as close as they used to be.

Dean says the first line, “Maybe you went too far.”

We can safely assume Dean is talking about what just happened with Cas and Michael!Adam, but there’s another strong layer to consider here.

Cas broke it off five episodes ago in season 15 episode 3 “The Rupture”. After that episode, Cas hopped in his car, stopped answering calls, and basically disappeared. He made himself unreachable. 

Hmm. Speaking of going too far...

If anyone has “gone too far” in Dean’s mind, it’s Cas. Remember, y’all, Dean is the type of man to blow up Cas’s phone if he can’t find him. And, if he’s missing Castiel so much so often that he’s doing that, anywhere that isn’t right beside him is too damn far away. I don’t know what went on in the scene with Michael!Adam yet because this is just the preview scene we were given. 

This episode airs tonight. 

Cas does not look at him and eventually grumbles out, “………maybe.”

Cas noticed how loaded Dean’s opening line was. It had a double meaning for them. The only reason they are in the bunker together is because of Michael!Adam, Sam’s wound, and… well, because the plot demands it. They’re refusing to talk about why they’re so upset with each other, and that communication issue is manifesting through one long, continuous, never-ending fight. In past seasons, things get icy when Dean and Cas fight. They’re known to ignore each other, stare coldly in silence, bicker about how hurt they are, talk to each other through their family (Sam and Jack), and throw in a diss whenever they can slide it smoothly into the conversation. All that stuff your Grandma and Grandpa do at the Thanksgiving table after their 60 year anniversary. So, Cas clearly knows what Dean was getting at when he suggests Cas went too far. Because they’re fighting. And they’ve fought off and on for eleven years. Dean stabbed him the second he met him, this behavior is nothing new.  

So, when Dean accuses Castiel, the angel answers, “Maybe.” instead of “you’re right”, which means there’s a fundamental disagreement here. They disagree when it comes to the episode’s textual issue of dealing with Michael!Adam and the subtextual issue of these two refusing to confess something to each other.

All in all, Castiel doesn’t think that he went too far in either situation, especially when it comes to Dean. Dean treated Castiel like a verbal punching bag, so he left and he did some stuff that Dean didn’t like, yeah, but he didn’t go too far. Not from Cas’s perspective. And, so Castiel’s answer to both questions is a passive aggressive “maybe”. Oof.

Dean speaks again, refusing to meet Cas’s eye, “I mean he’s been on lock down for quite a while, you know? Maybe you just, uh…………….. went too fast.”

Being locked in Chuck’s narrative has been like a trap for Dean. This narrative is something he can’t seem to get out of, much like a prison. Not knowing what’s scripted and what isn’t is getting to him. Freedom and free will is the paramount of Dean’s moral compass. But, in this situation, he doesn’t know how to be free, so he’s going through an existential crisis. And when he lashed out, it came from that locked up mentality being forced to do whatever someone else wants for the rest of his life, confined into a box, fighting the same fight over and over again. Dean can’t even trust his own friends, because they’re in this trap too and may be used to hurt him, which they have been before. 

(i.e. Castiel being used by Heaven to hurt/betray him in s4, Castiel being used by Crowley to hurt/betray him in s6, Castiel being used by the Leviathan to hurt/betray him in s7, Castiel being used by Naomi to hurt/betray him in s8, Castiel being used by Metatron to hurt/betray him in s9, Castiel being used by Rowena to hurt/betray him in s10, Castiel being used by Lucifer to hurt/betray him in s11, Castiel being used by fetus!Jack to hurt/betray him in s12...... they need the best counseling money can buy.)

So, when Dean says that he’s been locked up for a while and Castiel went too fast, he means he needed Castiel to stay --  to put up with his attitude for just a little while longer, but Cas...

He went.

Too fast.

After hitting Cas with cruel words in the face of what seemed to be endless, brutal rounds of family tragedy after family tragedy, Cas peaced out. He’s done being treated this way. He wanted to leave, so he left. And when he left….

He left before Dean could figure out the right words to say to make him stay. He left before Dean could take it all back. He left before Dean could fix it.

He went.

Too fast.

That being said, what makes Castiel "Cas” is that he confidently writes his own stories. Dean was who he decided to follow while he lived this chapter of his own angelic life, but if Cas wants to stop following Dean, he can and he will. With barely a moment’s notice. Just like he did with Heaven. Castiel is his own singular being. He is self-sufficient, independent, and strong as a ox. Castiel is a creature of the sky, he can fly far away and it will feel natural to him. But because he is his own man, he will do so when he chooses. Chuck’s involvement in their lives bothers Cas, but not in a way that prohibits him from living his life and being himself.

That is not the case for Dean.

There is another long pause. Cas is waiting for Dean to keep talking. Castiel’s silence is loud, but not striking. Dean looks down at himself like he said too much. In a way he did. He starts again, “What’s he doing now?”

“No idea. He was very distraught.” Cas answers with curt and measured statements, hands folded on the table, hair... flawless.

Cas knows what it means to be imprisoned and trapped. He knows what it means to feel pain. But what he doesn’t understand is why Dean internalizes his pain, lets it boil into toxic emotions of self-hatred, and uses it as an excuse to hurt others -- even as an excuse to hurt Cas. Why Dean would do that… Cas has “no idea.” 

He knows how he wants to be treated by Dean and he now refuses to accept any less. Thing is... Cas hasn’t told Dean how he wants to be treated. He just takes it and frowns. That doesn’t in any way mean he deserves to put up with Dean’s sourpuss attitude, but he is also expecting Dean to read his mind. They’re both at fault for the rift between them.

Dean presses the task at hand, wanting to cut through their fighting and solve the problem, “Yeah, but what exactly did he say?”

Cas, not getting the memo (which is very on brand for him), replies with words Dean has said to him unapologetically, “Leave. Get out. I want you dead.”

Cas looks like he’s about to cry.

There’s a long pause where Dean takes in his answer, knowing Cas is shoving his words back in his face. Dean nods and looks even further away from Castiel. 

Somehow, this can also translate to the dramatic scene that will soon happen between Michael!Adam and Castiel. 

It is important to note that Michael!Adam was the archangel who ran Heaven alongside Chuck for most of existence. He was every angel’s boss, including Castiel’s. There is no doubt that everything in Castiel’s life happened because Michael gave an order, and “Cas of the past” did it without question. Fast forward to 2008, Michael gives the order to rescue his true vessel and Cas fucking falls in love with it. Then, Cas rejects Heaven, teams up with his true vessel to fight him, and tricks him into The Cage for a very. long. time. Mind you, this happened after millions of years of basically being the most powerful being in creation with no enemies that could possibly be a threat. 

I bet Michael hates Cas, and if those two were in a room together, he’d see Cas as a traitor against his own kind -- against him. Without Castiel, he wouldn’t have been locked away. Whatever words Michael!Adam had for Cas couldn’t have been kind. And when Cas said this, he was telling Dean that nothing Michael!Adam said to him cut worse than what Dean had said to him over the last few weeks.

Then, Castiel adds, “We didn’t bond.”

When Cas said the word “bond”, Dean Broke Down. It’s all over his face, his eyes go glassy, he looks up with an emotional blush. He’s clutching that beer like a lifeline. The words hanging here are:

               We [Michael!Adam and I] didn’t bond. But, Dean, you and I did.

The thing about Michael and Adam is that they’re both Dean mirrors. They’re both final results of the two paths that Chuck’s script offered Dean, and they’re both not AT ALL who he is.

In every known universe, Michael is shown as this war hungry, super strong, ultimately immortal sociopath with unfettered power and no regard for humankind or monsters. If the supernatural world and Chuck had gotten their way, Dean would have literally become Michael. A villian. Dean does not consider himself a villian. 

Adam on the other hand is a Dean mirror in a universe where John has little to no influence on his life. Adam is “pure!Dean without John and Sam”, raised by Mary as Mary wanted to be (not a hunter, living an apple pie life). Untouched by the supernatural, Adam’s happiest memories are of his prom and playing at the park with his mom. He liked sports, he dated girls, he planned for college and a career in his future. His life is what Dean missed out on when he was raised by John. Yet, what happened to Adam at the end of his life would have happened to Dean if he wasn’t trained and ready to fight the supernatural (which happened when he was raised by John). If the mortal world and Chuck had gotten another variation of his way, he would have ended up killed and possessed without the proper tools to defend himself from a tragic fate. A victim. Dean does not consider himself a victim.

Neither Michael nor Adam are versions of Dean that Cas could have bonded with, and these are the versions of Dean that Chuck kept pressing into his narrative throughout his life. 

So when Cas said “We [Michael!Adam and I] didn’t bond” he was telling Dean that he always came back to him because he likes Dean for who he is, not for the narrative Chuck forces on his life. He doesn’t follow Dean because he’s the Righteous Man or because he’s Mary Winchester’s son. He follows Dean because they bonded. They have a connection, they’ve fought for each other, they know each other, they have history, they’ve coparented, and it is unlikely anything can break that bond between them.

He doesn’t understand Dean’s self hatred and cruel words which is why he left. Cas has come to a point where he knows Dean is a lil butthead sometimes, but because Dean and Cas are who they are, that connection between them is still there. Their bond hasn’t been severed, and it likely never will be. And a bond like that means that they love each other and will make it through this. But, Dean better not get it TWISTED. Their bond may not be broken, but it’s been beat down and slapped around. He needs to say sorry. Give a hug. Talk it out. Be a grown up.

Dean felt that pain Castiel felt when he heard his words repeated back to him. 

He knows he hasn’t apologized. And everyone (Cas, Sam, Eileen, even the viewers) are waiting for an apology and Dean’s not doing it.

Why is Dean not apologizing?

Why won’t Dean say sorry for the things he said to Cas? Why can’t he find the words? Why is this so hard for him? What is he afraid he’ll accidentally say?

Dean doesn’t respond, so Cas sighs and asks where Sam is.

Relieved to have a break from being confronted with his previous actions, Dean struggles out his next line, but his voice wavers like he’s trying to sound casual even though he’s definitely about to cry. Sam has always been an easy topic for Dean to talk about, and while Cas isn’t done fighting, he still wants to be able talk to Dean while they’re together.

Dean says, “Eileen hit a snag on a case. So… he won’t be gone long.”

LET’S TALK ABOUT KITCHENS TWICE MORE AND WE’RE DONE I PROMISE LOL

Kitchen Point #1: Eileen and Sam are quickly becoming a package deal. Just last episode, they were cooking and flirting and smiling after a long night of having fun together. And, here, we see Dean and Castiel having the complete opposite of a good time in the exact same space. There is a notable mirror between the scenes of “Eileen and Sam in the kitchen” while Dean goes off to let them build up their bond, and “Dean and Cas in the kitchen” while Sam let's them repair their bond.

Kitchen Point #2: The kitchen shakes in a way reminiscent of when their son Jack escaped from the Malak box in season 14 episode 19 “Jack in The Box”. Then the first time kitchen shook, it was the final catalyst to break their family. Mary had just recently been killed, Jack was soulless, Dean and Sam went behind Castiel’s back to lock Jack in the Malak box, and Jack was soon to run away and get murdered. The end result of the previous shaken kitchen was Jack’s murder, Chuck’s reveal, and Dean and Castiel’s split.

Now the kitchen shakes again.

Cas looks at Dean for a second time as the scene closes and gets up pointing out the culprit as he says Michael’s name.

We don’t know if Dean looks back.

We get a harrowing shot of Michael!Adam.

The screen fades to black.

I can’t believe there was so much to read from that one small lil tiny preview scene. Safe to say I’m strapped in for the episode. Bring it on.

Just gotta say, I’ve loved all y’all work for a while :) I wanna be a meta-writer too and finally got to do one :) I will be doing more throughout the final season :) your meta work gives me life :) so glad you are writing too :) 

@amwritingmeta @drsilverfish @naruhearts @mittensmorgul @bluestar86 @tinkdw @legendary-destiel @elizabethrobertajones @dotthings @dimples-of-discontent​

[darkshrimpemotions]

The thing that gets me is certain people still insisting Dean and Cas had a "brotherly" and "platonic" love, that there was no romance there on either side and therefore the ending isn't homophobic and the show wasn't queerbaiting.

Okay, so then explain to me why Castiel wasn't on that bridge.

If Cas is the most important person to Dean besides Sam. If he's the third brother. If "family don't end with blood" and "you (Cas), me (Dean), and Sam, we're just better together."

Then why wasn't Cas on that bridge? Why was someone repeatedly established as that important not part of Dean's peace-when-you-are-done?

What non-homophobic, non sloppy-writing reason can you give me for failing to include the angel alongside the Extra Heterosexual Apparently brothers?

You can't. Because there isn't one. Either Dean and Cas were 100% clearly and obviously platonic therefore Cas being there was in no way muddying that interpretation, or there was more to it and the writers were SO hellbent on avoiding giving queer fans and Destiel shippers a few final crumbs that they undercut their own damn story.

There isn't one reason for that shit that doesn't come back to the showrunners and/or network not wanting to validate Cas's importance to the story, to fans, and yes, to Dean fucking Winchester. There isn't one reason that isn't a giant fucking immature "no homo."

If you think it was about COVID restrictions, fuck that excuse. I've seen half a dozen workarounds for that in the last 24 hours, written by sleep-deprived emotionally distraught fans on tumblr dot com. They could have done it with a tweak in the dialogue between Dean and Bobby, or Dean and Sam. They could have used an archived recording of Misha saying "Hello Dean." Jesus fuck, they could have gotten Misha to record a new one and send it to them, if they somehow didn't have a single old recording handy.

They could have taken three minutes or TWO SECONDS out of all the stupid fucking montages in that episode and given it over to paying off ten years of thematic and character development, but they didn't. And there was no reason that doesn't boil down to basic shittiness.

And frankly fuck y'all very much for saying "but we don't know that it was really queerbaiting" EVEN NOW, when we absolutely fucking do know that it was.

[larkiwrites]

“Redemption” Chapter 14

AU: Supernatural Title: Redemption Chapter: Fourteen Characters: Dean Winchester, Sam Winchester, Reader Word Count:  2,278 Pairing: Getting There…. Warnings: Mentions of being restrained, being undressed/re-clothed while unconscious. Violence and swearing. A/N: This chapter flips between (Y/N)’s POV and more of Dean’s POV. Feel free to provide feedback / comments / suggestions / etc. Thanks for sticking around.

Chapter 13  |  Chapter 15  |  Masterlist

The muscles in your arms and upper back screamed at you in pain as you hung from the metal shackles still binding your wrists. The man you had stumbled into had drug you by the restraints back to the cavern’s entrance, allowing the rocks and branches on the forest floor to scrape at the underside of your legs and back. You had tried to escape but he was larger and stronger than you and had effortlessly knocked you off of your feet. Several other men came to assist him when he arrived at the cave with you in tow. He barked orders at the group and they scurried to follow them, taking you from the man and carrying you, kicking and screaming, to a nearby river. A large tree stood at its bank, a sturdy branch extending over the coursing waters. It was from this branch that you now hung; your shackles having been connected to a chain that acted as a pulley. At first you tried to hold tightly to the chain, to keep pressure off of your skin and wrists, but before long you had lost all stamina and now hung limply.

The darkness in the forest had begun to retreat as the twilight just before dawn arrived. You were fucked, and you knew it. There was no escape at this point and while a small portion of you was afraid of dying, the majority just wanted to be done. You were tired. Your life was an utter shit-show from the moment you awoke in that hospital room however many months ago. Hell, as far as you know, it was a shit-show before then, too. At least you could say you tried to get away. You fought every inch of the way, clear up until there was no fight left to give. You could be proud of yourself with that knowledge and hopefully when your body gave out you could move on to whatever comes after this life.

“(Y/N), (Y/N), (Y/N),” the man that had caught you earlier tutted, shaking his head. You raised your head ever so slightly, just enough to meet his eyes. You returned his stare as confidently as you could. You weren’t afraid of him and even if you didn’t look forward to whatever he had planned, you weren’t going to show him any weakness if you could help it.

“Giving up so soon?” He asked, as if reading your earlier thoughts, “as a companion of the Winchesters, I thought you would be stronger than you are.”

You cocked an eyebrow questioningly before retorting hoarsely, “Yeah, well, I thought you would be taller.”

The man chuckled as he leaned against the tree. He blinked once as you stared him down. A gasp escaped you, before you could try to stop it, when he opened his eyes once more. Fear rushed over you as you found that they had been encompassed in an inky pitch-black color, devoid of any human qualities.

“What, you don’t know what I am?” his voice was icy cold and sent a chill down your spine. You couldn’t respond, still in shock at what stood before you. “How is that possible, hmm? (Y/N), your cohorts are the Winchesters, are they not?”

Your eyes flitted back and forth between his. You still did not answer, not trusting your voice and not wanting to show him just how much the change had affected you. Instead you forced yourself to roll your eyes and look back down to the water beneath you. You wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he finally did instill fear in you.

“How odd,” he mused, folding his arms over his chest as he continued, “The Winchesters certainly know of my kind. They would recognize me instantly, in fact. It is peculiar that you travel with them yet have no knowledge of us.”

“Yeah, yeah,” you lifted your head to meet his gaze once more, “Save it, princess. Go tell your story to someone that gives a shit.”

“Oh, but you do, (Y/N). You see,” he began as he edged ever closer to you, until the river’s current lapped at the toes of his boots, “It was a dear friend of mine that had borrowed you. It was the lovely Winchesters that forced my friend to give you up, and then like salt to a wound- they forced her back to hell, (Y/N). As you can guess, I’m not the biggest fan of the Winchester brothers, and frankly, if my friend can’t occupy you, then we may as well make your meatsuit worth something, shan’t we?”

“Listen, coocoo-for-crazy-puffs, I think perhaps you should take your daily medication and leave me the hell out of it,” Your mind raced at his words. His friend had ‘borrowed’ you and ‘occupied’ you? What the fuck did that even mean?

“Do you really not remember the wonderful times we have had together, (Y/N)? You and I have travelled this country twice over, at least,” he paused to take in your expression. Satisfied with the perplexed look you held, he went on “It started over a year ago, my dear girl. You were waiting for the subway in Chicago.”

Images flooded your mind at the name of the city. Immense buildings, harsh weather, gritty neighborhoods, seas of strangers continually boarding and disembarking the underground rail system. Your eyes widened as he continued.

“You were in tears, you poor thing. I think, if I recall, your significant other had just broken things off with you. This was ideal for my friend, you see. Being emotionally distraught leaves you wide open for possession my dear,” he chuckled as he watched the emotions that crossed your face; confusion, fear, anger. “Do you remember now, (Y/N)?”

It was as if a floodgate had opened. An onslaught of memories came pouring out, threatening to drown you. They weren’t all in order, nor were they coherent, but you remembered the black-eyed man that stood before you. You remembered him standing before you in that subway station so long ago, it seemed like another lifetime. He had acted afraid, had claimed his friend was injured and he needed your help. You had rushed with him to the side of an immobilized human lying on the platform opposite of you. Blood spilled from them freely and you were certain they would die, you weren’t a nurse or a doctor, you had no knowledge on saving someone in their situation. As you had stripped from your jacket, hoping to somehow use it to stop the bleeding, the person had smiled. The smile was unnerving, just as the man before you had smiled when he caught you running in the woods. He hadn’t even tried to help you with his so-called friend, he had stood back and watched, waiting patiently. Within moments black smoke exited the broken body in front of you and before you could put words to what you were seeing, it entered you. You were pushed down and locked away in your own psyche as it took over.

“Fuck you,” you hissed.

“Been there, done that,” he sniggered at you.

Screams erupted from near the cave, drawing the man’s attention away from you. He was gone in an instant and you were left hanging, alone with your thoughts. Whatever had caused an alarm was behind you and you couldn’t turn to see it. Instead you hung limply, remembering the distorted images from the subway. The human died before your eyes as something else inhabited you, took charge of your limbs and forced you to turn and walk away from the scene. Your feet led you, and the black-eyed man from before, to your parent’s home on the outskirts of Chicago. Your hands stole the life out of your mother while your father was at work. Your body was used to attack and kill him next, when he returned home that evening. You and the black-eyed man dragged their lifeless bodies to the basement and just left them there to rot. Tears streamed down your face as your mind recalled the details.

“(Y/N)!” a deep voice called your name as you cried. You couldn’t bring yourself to look, you didn’t care who it was now. It could be the black-eyed man or any of his cronies and it wouldn’t matter. You just wanted them to put you out of your misery, you wanted to be done.

You felt your body being lowered toward the water. So, it will be by drowning, you thought to yourself. I deserve it after what I did, what I’ve done. Your thoughts trailed off as your bare feet entered the frigid river. You hadn’t expected it to be quite so cold, but you supposed it made sense with autumn well under way. You closed your eyes and took a deep breath, trying to steady yourself as the cold water rose to your knees.

Someone worked at the chains holding you. You wondered why they wouldn’t simply lower you into the river further? Maybe they were going to tie you to something heavy…something that would drag you down beneath the surface. That would make sense.

“Fuck, (Y/N), sweetheart, I need you to work with me here.”

Your eyes flew open at the sound of the familiar voice. You were seeing things, you must be. There was no way he could have found you, how would he have known where to even begin looking? Fresh tears rolled down your cheeks as your feet sought the rocky bed of the river, seeking out some sort of leverage. You found a rock and were able to tip-toe onto it, using it to push the shackles and chains upward.

“Yes, perfect, almost,” he spoke as the oversized hook that clung to the chains between your wrists was pulled away, letting your arms fall. You fell with them, no longer having the strength to hold yourself up. The man caught you before you could hit the water, easily lifting you in his arms. He climbed from the river and sat you on the soft mossy bank, his left arm still under your neck as his right arm inspected the gouge in your side.

“Dean?” you whimpered; not sure you could believe your eyes. His green orbs came back to yours quickly, his expression full of concern.

“Yeah, sweetheart, it’s me. I’ve got you.”

“S-sam?” you stuttered, a chill running through you. Between the skimpy clothing and the icy water you had been in, you had begun to freeze.

“He’s not far, we’ve got you, you’re ok,” Dean swiftly shed his leather coat from his torso and instead wrapped it about you. “I’m going to pick you up now, ok?”

You nodded in response, trying to hold his coat tightly about you with what little strength you had left in your fingers. The smell of the leather overwhelmed your senses, bringing with it a sudden and immense feeling of comfort and relief. Within moments you succumbed to darkness.

---

*Dean’s POV

Dean held you tightly to him as he stood. Exhaustion had taken you and you now rested unconsciously in his arms. Fire lit up the forest near the cave and screams could be heard in the distance, most of the townspeople having fled the moment the spark had been lit. Dean adjusted you in his grip and began down the riverbank, moving as quickly and steadily as he could.

You were already hanging above the water by the time he and Sam had found you. Anger had rushed over him at the site of your bruised and torn body. With limited options, he had handed his car keys and his lighter to his brother and urged the younger Winchester to go. Sam had snuck up to the hill above the cave’s entrance and had begun setting small fires as quickly as he could. The plan was for him to light up the hillside and then get the hell out of here, back to the motel and the car. He was to pack up whatever he could and bring the car up to the edge of the cornfield, ready and waiting for Dean and (Y/N).

The older hunter silently watched and listened as the demon trudged up your memories, unable to intervene. He couldn’t take a demon on his own and, as much as he wanted to kill that son of a bitch, you and your safety were more important. All hell broke loose, no pun intended, as soon as the flames were spotted by guards near the cave. The demon took off toward the fire and Dean swooped in.

The adrenaline that coursed through Dean’s veins caused the trek down through the woods and cornfield to pass in the blink of an eye. As quickly and gently as he could, he slid you and himself into the back of the Impala, imploring Sam to drive. Sam’s long legs had no problem flooring the pedal and they took off, putting the horrendous town in the rearview mirror as quickly as they could.

“Does she need a hospital?” the younger Winchester asked, glancing back at his brother.

“I’m not sure, Sammy. Her pulse is strong, but she is freezing and seems to have bled quite a bit…” he trailed off as he moved his coat away from (Y/N)’s figure and inspected her wounds. Sam slipped out of his jacket as he drove and handed it over the seat to his brother. Dean took it and wrapped it around (Y/N)’s bare legs, hoping that would be enough for now.

“Bobby’s?” Sam asked as he navigated the car on the open road.

“Yeah, Bobby’s…”

----

-Next Chapter-

[sam-winchester-admiration-league]

Something incredibly special is required to keep a show on the air 14 seasons. Usually, it's that one element that takes a show from average and elevates it to greatness. In the case of Supernatural, the creators, producers, and writers of Supernatural tapped into the secret that other CW shows are wisely following. That secret is to make the sibling bond the core of your show and cast actors/actresses that share that great familial bond on-screen and off. Since its very first episode Supernatural has had two perfectly cast leads in Jared Padalecki and Jensen Ackles who are each half of the beating heart that keeps Supernatural alive. The brotherhood, friendship, and teamwork between Sam and Dean Winchester has consistently been considered one of the best acting teams on television, and the show has mined its richest stories from testing that bond. Prophet and Loss (14x12), found the brothers on one of their least cool road trips. To permanently disable the evil archangel Michael locked away inside his mind, Dean plans to have Sam bury him alive at sea, imprisoned for eternity inside a coffin. Having failed so far to change his brother's mind, Sam must find some dissuade him or lose the person he loves most forever to a horrific fate. Jared Padalecki gives a beautiful and heartrending performance that left Supernatural fans in tears and teeming with praise. For his performance, Jared Padalecki was overwhelmingly selected as SpoilerTV Readers' Choice Performer of the Month for January. 

In the first scene of the episode, Padalecki brings big brotherly energy to Sam. He hears Dean screaming out for his younger brother in his sleep, but Sam plays it cool when he checks in. The tone of his voice stays casual, yet, behind Dean's back, his face is tightly perturbed. His words are low, measured carefully because he is being careful to not spook Dean. Whether you've been watching the Winchester brothers a few months or a few years, you know that Dean is determined to condemn himself to this awful fate. To protect Sam, he's capable of leaving him behind. Sam knows it too, but that doesn't stop him from pointing out the drawbacks. Padalecki has to have this restrained conversation with his costar, keeping his tone and pitch even, because Sam is being very cautious in how he expresses doubts. Simultaneously, he has to show the audience how Sam really feels, how each moderated statement is followed by a facial expression that is strained yet hopeful. Padalecki shows that not only is Sam trying to save Dean, but also Sam's own heart is breaking in the process. The work he does in the first scene establishes the emotional foundation for following Winchester brother scenes. On the road to carry out his desperate plan, Dean asks Sam if he's still on board with the plan, as their conversation the night before did rattle him a little. Padalecki delivers Sam's response in a matter-of-fact way. Of course, he is going to keep his word to Dean. But there's a tiny indication that he panicked slightly when Dean asked him. He interrupts his regular blinking rhythm, holding his eyes open a millisecond longer than normal as if he very briefly held his breath. He also maintains this neutral level of disapproval in his voice. Sam continues to walk an emotional tightrope. The minute Dean is out of sight, Sam makes a call to their friend Cass (Misha Collins) to find out if he has found another way to stop Michael. Even in that quick conversation, there are several ways that Sam's fear is conveyed. His voice almost catches when he says he's never seen Dean like this before. It's the first crack in Sam's facade.

A trip down memory lane sets up the ending of the episode. Dean wonders if Sam ever thinks about their childhood. He expresses regret about not being a better brother. You see a little confusion cross Sam's face, and he firmly replies that Dean was always there for him. He gets this analytical look as if he's trying to piece together where this comment Dean made is coming from. Dean starts spilling out these regrets about how thinks he could have treated his younger brother better. Jensen Ackles weaves this brokenhearted longing into his voice that gives the scene this sharp agony. Sam's face, despite the tears in his eyes, tells a different story. He's actively listening, pondering everything that Dean is saying, noting these fears that his older brother is disclosing. The fact he is paying such close attention makes it surprising that he frostily shuts the conversation down. Those same tears, briefly visible again before he turns looks away, indicate how much Sam was impacted by the moment. Shortly afterward, he finds a case for them to check out. While acting almost nonchalant about it, he casually brings the case up to Dean, but they both know what he is doing, using a case as a delaying tactic to prevent his brother from carrying out his suicide mission. However, his tactic backfires on him somewhat when Dean agrees to go investigate calling it "one last mission" for the Winchester brothers. Hearing his brother describe the case that was is not what Sam was expecting and the devastation and realization that hits him are etched in his features as he fights to maintain control. There is a murder to solve, and the first stop is visiting one victim's twin brother. Neither Winchester brother has an easy time listening to the young man talk about how he never imagined it could feel this bad to lose his sibling. However, Sam avoids acknowledging the glances that Dean keeps sending his way. Padalecki makes sure you are aware that Sam is deliberately choosing to hold his emotions in check, in order to create a vacuum that Dean has no choice but to fill with his own feelings. Sam is refusing to let his older brother play the strong one, hoping that Dean will choose on his own to take a different path. The situation is taking a toll on Sam though. When they catch up to the delusional murderer, Sam shuts him down very aggressively, close to losing control. And he's visibly distraught when they lose the man who thought he was hearing divine voices ordering him to kill his victims. This senseless loss of life hits close to home for Sam, and viewers are reminded he's running out of time to save Dean.

To prevent any more murders, the brothers realize they must take their friend, the prophet Donatello, off life-support. The doctor reassures them that letting go is the right choice, and Dean gives Sam a clear I-told-you-so look. The case has reinforced Dean's decision that he needs to sacrifice himself to restore order to the world. Cass joins them at the hospital and makes a strong plea for Dean to reconsider, but it's clear that the older Winchester is slipping away, disconnecting emotionally from his brother, his friend, and life itself. They then make an unexpected discovery. There is a chance to save Donatello. Dean and Sam sit down to wait, while Cass treats Donatello. Noticing that his younger brother is lost in thought, Dean asks him if he's alright. Sam admits that he's thinking about what it would be like--to be trapped inside your own body with nowhere to go, unable to do anything. Dean brushes the thought away with a cold smirk, and for just a second you see Sam's face filled with hopeless despair. It is a brief interlude, but Padalecki uses every inch of it to show Sam losing his grip on hope. Despite being clear how he felt about his brother's decision these are the first moments Padalecki has Sam truly let down all his guards and show Dean just how truly devastating an impact this decision is having on his brother. Padalecki. It's a masterful moment as Padalecki expresses all those emotions with few words, letting his face and his eyes do most of his talking.

Cass saves Donatello, and Sam slips away afterward. Dean goes looking for him, and He finds his brother leaning against their car, their faithful friend through hundreds of adventures, with beers waiting. Sam's demeanor has changed. He keeps his sentences short and sarcastic. A brief, bitter chuckle in response to Dean apologizing for joking about leaving. Padalecki gives one of the most heartbreaking speeches in the show's history, as Sam asks just how sorry Dean is and why. He struggles to briskly pour out his words, trying to keep them angry but unable to keep the huskiness out of his voice. When Sam says that Dean wants him to throw away faith and throw away family, his chest begins to rise and fall faster than normal, as if he's going to heave. He steps up to Dean and hits him in the chest. Padalecki makes this sneer that disappears almost as soon as it starts as if Sam is fighting to hold onto his rage. He begins to plead with Dean, telling him he's quitting and giving up too soon on finding another way. He beats his hands against Dean's chest. It's as if time turns back and Padalecki becomes the little boy that Sam once was. The one beseeching his big brother to not leave him behind. He points at himself and tells Dean he believes in them. Dean looks away, down towards the ground. And the anger flares up, as Sam winds up and throws a punch right into his brother's face. Dean reels in surprise, but Sam is already winding up for a second one. Padalecki lets you see how determined Sam is to do whatever it takes. Sam repeats that he believes in them, even as Dean grabs his arms to block the next swing. But instead of struggling. Sam drops his shoulders and fiercely wraps his arms around his big brother. Gripping Dean's jacket, he chokes out a heartbreaking question through gritted teeth, asking Dean why he doesn't believe in them too. The fury evaporates, as he rests his cheek against his brother's neck, and he just holds on to his brother. Dean says he will go home with Sam. And Sam steps back, unsure if he can believe this, with his jaw still rigid and his eyes still wet. Dean says he does believe in them but asks Sam to promise him that if they don't find another way his younger brother will do then what he can't now. This time it's Sam who looks down. He sniffles and trembles, but he looks up to meet Dean's gaze squarely in the eye. He makes the promise, and a tear as big as his heart runs down each of his cheeks. Before getting in the car, Sam tucks his lip in and composes himself, relief and determination on his face. The fight to save Dean isn't over yet, but Sam's heartfelt plea has bought them some time. Padalecki's weary posture and hesitation before getting in the car show that Sam knows he may have won this battle but that the war goes on.

For over 13 years and through 300 episodes, Supernatural has prospered, and fans credit that to the superb work of the cast. Jared Padalecki gave one of his finest performances to date in this episode. He gave Sam courage and vulnerability, made you feel every bit of the fight to save Dean. The episode wouldn't have the dramatic stakes or the heart-twisting agony without his work. You've seen Sam is difficult predicaments before. You've seen him grieve. You've seen him protect his brother. However, Padalecki shows you a Sam you haven't seen, gives a new dimension both to his character and to the bond between the Winchester brothers. He keeps the viewer with Sam for every breath, every tear, every tense second. The ending wouldn't be as emotionally satisfying if you weren't feeling every quiver of his broad shoulders. When Dean hugs Sam in the end, finally yielding to his brother's love, he hugs the audience too. For all these reasons and many more, Jared Padalecki was voted January Performer of the Month by our Readers. 

Article here.

[19mrs-barnes17]

Plane Music

Summary: Its been years since first meeting the Winchesters, but something in Sioux Falls seems to draw them back to the small town.

Part: 2/?

Pairing: Dean Winchester x reader

Warnings: kinda dark, death, may be emotionally triggering

Word count: 2,932

A/N: Part two is finally here after a year! This one I got a little carried away with... lol. Anyway, enjoy!

~

Life after meeting the Winchesters, yes they make quite an impact, can only be described as fulfilling. Their sense of purpose and pride is absolutely infectious, so much so that Y/N found herself become bolder and more deadly. She had begun to wonder if the transaction had even truly occured when she got the first of many calls to come. 

Dean Winchester calling, her phone had said, and she nearly fell out her chair at the sudden sound. Calls came every now and then, she always accepted the invitation. Once the texts began, well, they never seemed to end. Her mornings began with a check of her texts and a smile upon her face when she saw the little number one on the message bubble. 

Years went by but nothing truly changed in their relationship, he was always traveling and she was almost always in her apartment. Y/N only left Sioux Falls for the occasional case, she had to keep up the appearance of a job to her mother. In reality, she paid her bills thanks to an agreement between her and Bobby Singer. He wasn’t the town drunk everyone cracked him up to be, and he had agreed to help her scam the money so it couldn’t be traced to her. She told her mother that Bobby had hired her to help him with cleaning his house and assist with car repairs. 

The ringing of her phone had Y/N shutting her book, a small smile slipping onto her face as she turned the device over in her hand. However, the caller ID threw her for a loop. Why was her mom calling? She was always working at this hour or doing rounds, Y/N’s heart dropped.

“Mom? What’s wrong?” Her mom’s voice so small on the other line spoke news that nearly ended with her phone on the floor. “That’s impossible, mom he died we went to his funeral pete’s sake. I stayed with you while they piled dirt on his coffin.” 

“Honey, I know. I know I sound crazy, but it's true! Here I’ll have him say something.” Y/N could hear her mother call for someone who she knew couldn’t be there, but when a little voice came over the line her world cracked and crumbled.

Her drive to her childhood home was erratic and warranted several tickets yet, there was no patrol car in sight. Y/N was too distraught to question such a thing, her mind was an absolute madhouse. Thoughts raced through as she began to question everything, a million inquiries and all she knew was that he was alive. 

The moment he raced into her arms everything slipped from her mind, she seemed to forget the questions that her hunter instincts were adamant on answering. All experience in questioning the supernatural completely clouded over by her baby brother’s reappearance.  He was alive! Alive and sitting on her lap as they watched cartoons, just like they used to. Somehow it felt as though she had been launched back in time, a time when life was easier. 

“Hey buddy.” She knocked softly on his door the next morning, a soft smile on her lips as she stared down at his slumbery form. “Mom’s at work, you want some donuts from the diner?”

“Secret donuts?” A nod from her had him smiling mischievously, a sight that had her heart feeling warm and full once more. It had been a long time since she had been this happy.

Sitting upon the stool, she beamed brightly and relayed her order to the server. He was quick to put in her order and she was soon exiting the diner with a bag in hand. However, the moment her eyes landed on him she froze in place and her smile faltered a little. 

“Y/N?” She made a speedy recovery, a cautious smile dancing onto her lips. She raised a brow at the Winchester brothers and placed a hand on her hip. Sam waves but continues muttering into his phone exasperatedly while Dean utters a hello.

“Don’t tell me this lil’ ol’ town has you boys interested. On a case are we?” Dean nods, a strange look in his eyes and a ghost of a smile on his lips. “What drew you in?”

“A Mr. Wells claims to have seen a dead man kill.” Sam answers as he ends his call, shrugging at the claim. 

“Digger? You here about his ravings on the Benny Sutton murder? Hate to say that may be a lost cause. Benny had a lot of enemies here.” She hated lying to them, but at least it was more of a white lie. Benny was widely hated but, between her brother coming back and Digger’s hollering about a dead man, she knew there was definitely a case here. 

“Really?” Y/N nodded and made an apologetic face, but the boys both had a look on their face like they weren’t quite buying it. 

“Afraid so. But he’s right inside if you want to ask him yourself, always good to check. Anyway, happy hunting. I’ll see you guys around.” She waved them goodbye and hopped in her car before they could question her further. 

Owen was jumping up and down by the time she got back, his eyes wide as he glanced down at the paper bag in his big sister’s hand. She had to hold it high before he yanked it from her grip, setting it on the counter. She chuckled at his excited face and placed a donut on a napkin before him. It wasn’t there for long.

“Woah buddy, you gotta slow down. Can’t inhale your food remember?” He smiles sheepishly as she takes a bite of her donut. “See. Nice and slow.”

“Can I have another?” He began begging insistently, something she had somehow missed him doing in their time apart. 

“You remember our rule bud?” 

“Three donuts, one for each and we split the last one.” She nodded, her hands already reaching into the bag and tearing the donut in half. “Left hand.”

Y/N handed her brother the piece and ate hers while tossing the bag in the trash, her phone ringing in the process. She motioned for Owen to answer it and cleaned up their places as he spoke to their mother.

“What’d she say big guy?” 

“She said I should eat an apple. I don’t want an apple.” Y/N chuckled before grabbing an apple from the basket and slicing it half.

It was late when her mother came home from work and she seemed exhausted. Y/N suggested take out and her mom couldn’t say no, far too tired to cook. They spent the evening watching movies and making up for lost time together. Her mother and her were cleaning dishes in the kitchen when Y/N heard Bobby’s name come up in her mother’s talk about her day.

“Singer?” Her mother nodded and went off about how he was helping two fake FBI agents parade around asking questions about the dead rising in Sioux Falls. Y/N’s heart dropped, Sam and Dean had been caught. “What happened with them?”

“Oh, I let em go. Gave them a stern warning” Nodding her head and dropping the subject, Y/N couldn’t help but feel relieved that her mother had turned her cheek. She was simply glad her mother didn’t bring up her disapproval of her daughter working for the Bobby, again.

Y/N went home to her apartment that night, promising her little brother she’d be back the next day to take him to a movie and out to lunch. When she returned, however, there was a certain tall hunter peering in the side window shaking his head. Shit. Sam turned and froze in place as she exited the car looking guilty as hell.

“I can explain.” He nodded, a disapproving gaze set on her as she spoke. “I didn’t tell you because I didn’t want to be involved. When I saw you two here I was panicked, but I think in the back of my head I was relieved.”

“Because then it fell on us, and you wouldn’t have to deal with it. Your hands would be clean and you could go on living with him back.” She shook her head as tears threatened to spill over, Sam’s face softened a bit.

“No, I was relieved because it meant there was someone else to pull the trigger. Someone who could be stronger than me, who could get the job done.” A tear slid down her cheeks she cast her gaze to the side, breathing deeply to try and pull herself together. “I knew the job had to be done, but every time I look at his sweet little face… I wasn’t sure if I could do it. And I couldn’t take out the rest and leave him behind. It wouldn’t be fair.”

Sam pulled her into an embrace and she sobbed into his shoulder, because she knew that this meant her time with Owen was dwindling down to its last few hours. Her heart shattered at the thought of losing him again.

“I know, I couldn’t do it if it was Dean. So I get it. We’ll be back when he starts to turn, you shoot a text when it starts okay?” All she could do was nod as she tried to compose herself.

“You better get out of here before my mom sees you. She’ll go ballistic.” Sam chuckles at the image in his head before waving and heading to the car.

It was a perfect way to go out, smiles and laughter from the pair all day. Y/N had forgotten for a little while that this was not forever. Owen was beginning to feel unwell after running around the park and she was jolted back into reality, brow furrowed as she drove him back home. Lying that he was going to be okay broke her heart to pieces, she hated preaching false hope when she knew what was to come. She dropped him off and sent Sam the dreaded text, ‘His temperature is rising’.

With her car parked in the street, all she could do was wait and it was excruciatingly painful to do. She felt as though her chest were under a car being lowered to the ground, the pressure increasing the longer she sits there until eventually it becomes too much. She burst through the front door and found her mother standing in front of a blood trail. Rushing to her side, Y/N grabbed her mother’s shoulder and pulled her back. Her father’s lifeless body on the floor nearly froze her in place, but she pushed through the tears and horror. 

“Mom. We have to go! It’s not Owen anymore! Please, he’ll eat us too.” Tears were pouring down her cheeks as she did her best to pull her mother from the room. When Sam charged in she begged for his help in ushering her mom out the door, and as he began reasoning with her a dreaded thought entered Y/N’s head. It has to be me. 

While Sam was distracted talking to her mom, Y/N grabbed her pistol from the glove compartment and slowly made her way toward the door. Sam put a hand on her shoulder, concern evident in his eyes.

“You don’t have to do this Y/N. I told you I would do it for you, it’s okay. You don’t have to see it.” But Y/N shook her head, because she couldn’t bear to hear someone shoot her brother. She needed to do it, she needed to be with him in his last moments like she wished she was when he had died. She never got to hold his hand as he went, to say goodbye. It may not make sense to any other, but in her mind this was her chance to say it to him.This time she would have to burn his body, there would be no funeral and no other opportunity.

“I’ll make sure he doesn’t feel it mom. He’ll go quick and peaceful like he should have.” Her mom nodded through the tears, an understanding in her eyes. “You two make sure the town’s safe.” 

Her heart felt heavy as she entered her home for the last time, she would never be able to look at these walls the same. Owen cocked his head to the side as he looked at his sister with emptiness in his eyes.

“I love you so much Owen. Goodbye, little buddy.” Y/N aimed the pistol and with a shaky hand,  fired a single shot. Immediately after she dropped the weapon and ran to her brother’s side. She released everything, tears streaming down her face as she rocked back and forth with his lifeless body in her arms. Y/N cried out, her voice hoarse and pained as she held him close and grabbed her father’s hand. Her thoughts were filled with memories of the two of them dancing around the living room in their pjs and singing at the top of their lungs. When her father had surprised her with a car on her 17th birthday, because he was proud of the person she’d become and couldn’t wait to see what she would do. And of all the times the four had had together in this home.

Time passed slowly, she was unaware of how long it had been since she had last seen her mother or Sam. The only thing on her mind was the pain in her head and heart, the pain that would become a reminder and painful memory. Gradually she placed Owen back on the floor and used the couch to stand, her eyes scanning for the closet. Soon she had both her father and brother cover and then wrapped in multiple sheets, tying the ends with rope she found and cut in the garage. Both bodies lay away from the pools of blood, side by side, as she began to clean the floor. She couldn’t quite grasp why she was doing all this, but it kept her busy and gave her less time to think. Any minor distraction she welcomed.

She didn’t turn to face whoever opened the door, doing her best to ignore the creaking of the floorboards. Until suddenly, a hand grabs hold of the mop and an arm is wrapped around her protectively. Her eyes met Dean’s and, though she had thought all her tears had been cried, she once more fell apart in his arms. There was a comforting feeling enveloping her as he gently rubbed her back, saying no words because he knew that none would help. Y/N held onto him tightly, knowing he would be there to help take care of things. A friend, and someone to lean on.

Dean held onto her as they watched the pyre burn, her mother sent a look that had Dean recoiling his arm with an awkward chuckle. Y/N grabbed his hand instead, eyes remaining on the burning fire before her with a melancholy that she would never quite be free of. 

“Walk with me?” She spoke loud enough that only Dean could hear, eyes searching his for a sign. He glances over at her mother for a moment before nodding, following as she leads him through the gravestones. She’s silent for a while, and she can feel his eyes on her but that only makes it harder to speak.

“What's on your mind?” She chuckled at the broadness of the question, and he muttered a ‘you know what I mean’. But in truth, she wasn’t sure what exactly was the drive to be alone with him and away from her mother’s gaze.

“I know this timing is weird, but right now I could use some clarity.” He nodded for her to continue, and after a deep breath she collected her thoughts. This is a lot harder than the movies make it seem. “Listen, I’m just going straight to the point. What are we?”

She pauses and drops his hand when they’ve put a sufficient distance between them and the pyre that would haunt her memories. Refusing to move her gaze from his Y/N furrowed her brow and scoured his expression for some kind of sign. His eyes grew soft as they gazed in hers, his hand reached for hers and held it firmly. 

“Something, I hope.” She gazed at him quizzically, likely with the same question in her head that had bugged his for the past couple of years. “Something more than just a friendship. A shoulder to cry on, someone to help carry the load that is this life and to help forget its trauma for a little while.”

Dean held onto her hand as if letting go meant rejection, meant saying goodbye. There was a sorrow that hid within his eyes, one she would come to recognize in her own. Her hand moved to caress his cheek and he held it there against his skin, almost like he had been without a loving touch for too long. She wasn’t sure whether it was the way he held her or the look in his eyes, or even the long drawn out phone calls during her drives to join a case. Whatever it was, it made her bold. Not enough to go the mile, but enough to meet halfway. And it felt like she had found a new home in his touch and his embrace, but most importantly, in his heart.

~

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[beatlejuice64]

Destiel Season 12: A catalog of Supernatural episodes

A catalog of each episode in Supernatural that features scenes related to Destiel. This includes scenes between Dean and Castiel, scenes with other characters that address their relationship with each other, and scenes that allude to Dean’s bisexuality.

Season 12 Summary Analysis

Cas is ecstatic that Dean survived the confrontation with Amara. Cas, Dean, Sam, and Crowley work together to find Lucifer, and they successfully exorcise him from the President. When Dean and Sam get captured, Cas blames himself and feels lost without them. After Cas kills Billie to save Mary, he and Dean bicker and fight like an old married couple. During a near-death experience while fighting Ramiel, Cas professes his love for the Winchesters. After losing Kelly a second time, Cas leaves to find her and seeks help from the angels, avoiding Dean out of shame for failing him multiple times. Dean calls Cas out for disappearing, but is quick to forgive him and expresses his feelings that they are “better together.” Cas cannot bring himself to kill Kelly, and he ends up channeling the nephilim’s power to defeat Dagon. Cas latches onto his belief that the nephilim can be good for the world and leaves the Winchesters yet again. When Cas is killed by Lucifer, Dean is absolutely devastated.

My interpretation: Cas and Dean’s improved communication with each other early in the season indicates a higher lever of closeness and familiarity than before, as shown through their ability to communicate with looks and through Castiel’s increased ability to pick up on Dean’s sarcasm. Cas shows genuine concern for Mary because he knows how much she means to Dean and knows how much she cares for Dean and Sam. Despite the apparent “cosmic consequences,” Cas kills Billie to save Mary because he cares for her and because he can’t bear to see Dean suffer her loss a second time. Castiel’s confrontation with Ishim reminds him of how much he has changed for the better as a result of Dean’s (and Sam’s) influence, but he still has some lingering self-loathing issues carried over from season 11. Cas repeatedly places the well-being of the Winchesters over his own, and feels unworthy of Dean’s affection. Cas avoids Dean because he cannot bear to disappoint him, and he grows more emotionally distant over the course of the season. Dean understands and accepts Castiel’s behavior and forgives him multiple times for his failures and disappearances, exhibiting truly unconditional love toward him.

12.01 Keep Calm and Carry On

As soon as Cas sees Dean is alive, he gives him a big hug.

When Dean introduces Cas to his Mom, Cas acts slightly awkward.

Cas recognizes Mary’s discomfort with being alive again and tries to make her feel better: “This must be difficult for you. I remember my first moments on Earth. It was jarring.” “One word for it. I grew up with hunters. I’ve heard of people coming back from the dead before. But to actually do it, after 30 years? A lot’s changed. A lot.”

12.02 Mamma Mia

Dean confides in Cas that he feels weird about his mom being back. Cas listens and then gives him advice: “Don’t make things needlessly complicated, as you humans tend to do. I’ll call you.” Dean is annoyed at Castiel’s words: “That’s helpful. Thanks.”

When Cas finds the building where Sam is located, he recognizes Dean’s frustration with his communication style: “Did you have a look inside?” “No. No, it’s powerfully warded.” “Powerfully warded? Okay, see, buddy, that was your headline right there.” “Are we still discussing the same thing?”

When Mary tries to go with Dean, Dean gives Cas a look. Cas understands and comes up with an excuse to persuade Mary to stay with him.

12.03 The Foundry

Castiel admits to Mary that he’s still not sure where he belongs, but he tries to make her feel better, showing genuine concern for her: “Castiel, after you left heaven, when did it start to feel like you fit, like you belonged here?” “Well, I’m still not sure I do.” “Yeah...” “Mary, you DO belong here.”

Cas leaves to find Lucifer without Sam and Dean and calls them out for not taking care of Mary: “If it is him, I will call you. In the meantime, I think you’re needed here.”

Cas fixes his appearance in the mirror before approaching someone’s door (a learned behavior from Dean).

Cas is sarcastic with Crowley (another learned behavior from Dean): “You’re just mad because you’re only my second choice for a Lucifer hunt team-up.” “No, actually, I think it’s sweet. I thought your motivation was ambition and revenge, but now I know you just want to save your mother.”

12.04 American Nightmare

Dean is weirded out by Cas working with Crowley: “Yes, Cas, that’s weird! It’s really, REALLY weird.”

12.05 The One You’ve Been Waiting For

Sam calls Dean out for suppressing his confused feelings about their Mom: “...you sure you don’t wanna talk about...” “No.” “Dean, it’s called sublimation.” “Yeah. Yeah, it’s kinda my thing.”

12.07 Rock Never Dies

Dean exhibits homophobic behavior when he makes fun of Sam’s fondness for hair rock: “Don’t judge a book by its cover.” “Yeah, or a dude by his, uh, rainbow wig and leopard prints.” “Rainbow wig? What? You know what, I’m done apologizing. Lucifer is possessing Vince Vincente. This is Vince Vincente’s music, so listening to it is research.”

Dean teases Cas for his clothes and Cas throws shade right back at him: “You consider switchin’ up your duds there? Bit stiff for this town.” “He could be an agent or something.” “Yeah, maybe a third tier agent.” “At least I don’t look like a lumberjack.” 

Sam blows off Cas and Dean’s bickering like it’s a regular occurrence.

12.08 LOTUS

When Cas gets overwhelmed by angel radio, Dean jumps to his side and holds his arm, worried about his well-being.

12.09 First Blood

Cas feels terrible after losing Kelly and finding out Dean and Sam have been captured, which is exacerbated when Mary blames him for what happened.

Cas goes to Crowley for help finding Dean and Sam, despite how much he loathes him.

Mary meets up with Cas to apologize for blaming him, but he still feels responsible. Mary tries to reassure Cas because he looks so distraught, and he explains that he feels completely lost without them: “I saw it on the news, and I thought, ‘That’s the sort of thing Sam and Dean would investigate.’ They would roll into town, save the day, kill the monsters. But with them gone... I tried to work the case. I tried, but I don’t know what I did wrong. I asked questions, but maybe they were the wrong people or the wrong questions, and I just... I never found it. Never found the monster. Never even got close. And three more women died before I left town, before I ran away.” “So we go back, you and me.” “No. No, I’d only get in your way.”

As soon as Dean and Sam escape from prison, Dean calls Cas for help.

Dean hugs Cas when they’re reunited.

When the car stops and Sam says, “It’s time,” Cas gives Dean a stern look, and Dean looks away in guilt.

Cas is unwilling to let Mary sacrifice herself and kills Billie. Dean is angry at him for taking that risk: “Cas, what’ve you done?” “What had to be done. You know, this world, this sad, doomed little world, it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get, and I will not let you die. I won’t let ANY of you die. And I won’t let you sacrifice yourselves. You mean too much to me, to everything. Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal, and I broke it. You’re welcome.”

12.10 Lily Sunder Has Some Regrets

Sam is annoyed at Dean for being angry at Cas and treating him with petty resentment: “You talk to Cas yet?” “No.” “So what, you’re just gonna keep walk-in’ past each other in the kitchen, not saying a word?” “Maybe.” “Look, yes, Cas killed Billie, but he saved us. He saved Mom. How long are you gonna stay pissed?” “I’m not pissed that he cares about us, you know, I’m grateful. But Billie said there would be ‘cosmic consequences’ if that deal got broken. You have any idea what that means?” “No.” “Neither do I, but I’m pretty sure it ain’t jelly beans and g-strings.” “My point is, Cas thought he was doing the right thing.”

When Cas says he has a friend in danger, Dean is willing to help, but continues to bicker with Cas: “Sure. Yeah, we could help. Gotta make sure you don’t do anything else stupid.” Cas rolls his eyes.

Sam calls Dean and Cas out for their childish behavior toward each other in the car: “Alright. Guys, you know what? This silent treatment thing, it’s silly. It’s not gonna work.”

Cas glares at Dean when he makes a jab at him. They continue to bicker like an old married couple: “Wow, this Benjamin seems like he’s pretty cool, ya know? Like he wouldn’t make any half-cocked, knee-jerk choices.” “Yeah, you know, what I like about him is that he’s sarcastic, but he’s thoughtful and appreciative, too.” “Now what is that supposed to mean?”

Cas continues to throw sarcasm back at Dean: “If I plan to do anything else stupid, I’ll let you know.” Dean doesn’t get why Cas is so upset, and Sam gives him an exasperated look.

While Cas is speaking with Ishim and Mirabel, Dean barges in uninvited and squeezes into the booth. Cas is clearly irritated, but he still calls Sam and Dean his friends: “These are my friends. My friends who don’t listen very well.”

Dean doesn’t like the way that Ishim spoke to Cas: “Why do you let him talk to you like that?”

Ishim comments on Castiel’s relationship with Dean and Sam, and Cas defends his choice to be friends with them: “The way you let those simians talk to you... Castiel, when did you get so gooey? You know why we’re meant to stay away from humans? Hmm? It’s not because we’re a danger to them. They’re a danger to us. Case in point.” “Well, my friendship with Sam and Dean has made me stronger.” “You can’t really believe that.”

Dean demonstrates his protectiveness of Cas when he and Sam confront Lily: “See, Cas is our family, so we can’t let you hurt him.”

When Dean returns to Cas and Ishim, he checks that Cas is okay, then confronts Ishim, who fails to persuade Cas to believe him: “Who are you gonna believe? Your brother, or some filthy ape who’s always talkin’ down to you, always mocking you.” “You know Cas and I might not always agree all the time, but at least he knows who his real friends are.” “Why do his words bother you so much, Ishim?” “Who is he to question my choices? Who is he to question yours?” “Well, it seems that some of my choices may need to be questioned.”

Ishim shows disdain for Castiel’s fondness for Dean as he threatens Dean’s life: “You survived hell. You were chosen by God. But now look at you. You’re just sad and pathetically weak. So now, I’m gonna help you. I’m gonna cure you of your human weakness same way I cured my own—by cutting it out.”

Dean draws an anti-angel sigil, but doesn’t use it because he’s not willing to risk harming Cas.

Dean shows forgiveness toward Cas by bringing him a beer, and he demonstrates his support and appreciation of Cas: “You earned it.” “Well, this will do very little for me, but I appreciate the gesture.” “What Ishim said... you’re not weak, Cas. You know that, right? ... And you have been with us every step of this long, crazy thrill ride. And no matter how crazy it got, you never backed down.”

Dean explains that he’s worried about Cas: “I’m not mad, I’m worried. Because things like ‘cosmic consequences’ have a habit of bitin’ us in the ass.” “I know they do, but I don’t regret what I did, even if it costs me my life.”

Cas demonstrates his value of human life when Sam asks him if he could kill Kelly’s child: “There was a time when I wouldn’t have hesitated. But now, I don’t know.”

12.12 Stuck in the Middle (With You)

Dean is highly amused when a waitress hits on Cas, and he tries to give Cas advice about hooking up with her.

When Cas says he thinks he’s dying, Dean refuses to believe it.

Cas knows he’s dying and still puts the Winchesters’ safety above his own: “Look, thank you. Thank you. Knowing you, it’s been the best part of my life. And the things we’ve shared together, they have changed me. You’re my family. I love you. I love all of you. Just please don’t make my last moments be spent watching you die. Just run. Save yourselves. And I will hold Ramiel off as long as I can.” Cas is looking straight at Dean when he says the line “they have changed me,” and even Mary recognizes how significant that is for Cas.

Dean refuses to leave Castiel’s side: “Like you said, we’re family. And we don’t leave family behind.”

Dean is at a loss for how to save Cas and is relieved when Crowley saves him.

12.15 Somewhere Between Heaven and Hell

As Cas is getting ready to return to heaven, Dean recognizes that something is off with him: “He sound weird to you?”

12.17 The British Invasion

Dean is starting to worry about Cas because he hasn’t heard from him: “Hey, you, uh, you hear anything from Cas yet?” “No. Still MIA.” “You think he’s alright?” “I don’t know.”

12.18 The Memory Remains

Dean is frustrated that he can’t reach Cas: “Cas, it’s me. I’ve been tryin’ to get a hold of you for days. I don’t know what’s goin’ on, but we got a line on Dagon, and we got our asses handed to us, even with the Colt. So... could really use the backup. Just call me back.”

Sam tries to reassure Dean that Cas is okay: “GPS on his phone is turned off, and there’s nothin’ in the system about some weird guy in a trench coat gettin’ arrested, or turning up dead.” “Dean, it’s Cas. I mean, this isn’t the first time he’s dropped off the map, ya know? And whatever’s happening, he’ll be fine. He always is.”

12.19 The Future

When Cas finally shows up, Sam is happy to see him, but Dean is angry that Cas has been ignoring them, even after Cas explains that he’s been in heaven: “No, I’m sorry, okay? ‘Cause while you were strikin’ out in heaven, we had a shot at Dagon, and we lost.” “I know. I received your messages.” “Oh, you DID receive the messages. Okay, that’s good. So not only were you ditching us, but you were also ignoring us. That’s great. ‘Cause we really could’ve used the backup. But, uh, you were too busy with, um... what was it? Nothing? What the hell’s wrong with you, man? You know, whatever. That’s... yeah. Welcome back.” Cas is visibly distraught at how much he has upset Dean.

Cas goes to Dean’s room to apologize and tries to return a mixtape that Dean had given him, but Dean gives it back: “It’s a gift. You keep those.” “Oh.”

Dean explains that Cas ghosting on them is not acceptable, and Cas explains that he has felt guilty for repeatedly failing him: “Cas, you can’t... with everything that’s goin’ on, you can’t just go dark like that. We didn’t know what happened to you. We were worried. That’s not ok.” “Well, I didn’t mean to add to your distress. I... Dean, I just keep failing. Again, and again. When you were taken, I searched for months and I couldn’t find you. And then Kelly escaped on my watch, and I couldn’t find her. And I just wanted... I NEEDED to come back here with a win for you, for myself.” “You think you’re the only one rollin’ snake eyes here? Me and Sam, we had her. We had Kelly, and we lost her.”

Dean forgives Cas and tells him they’re better together: “If you run out of time, could either of you kill an innocent?” “We will find a better way.” “You mean WE?” “Yes, dumbass. We. You, me, and Sam, we’re just better together. So now that you’re back, let’s ‘Go Team Free Will.’ Let’s get it done.” “I’d like that.” “Great. And I’d like a beer.”

Cas knows Dean well enough to look for the Colt under his pillow.

While helping the angels in their mission to kill the nephilim, an angel commends Cas for choosing heaven over the Winchesters, but Cas rejects this idea: “You’re doin’ the right thing, ya know. Committing to Joshua’s plan, putting angelkind above the Winchesters. I mean your reputation in heaven is...” “This has nothing to do with my reputation. I am doing this FOR the Winchesters. I stole the Colt to keep them out of this mission, and to keep them safe from Dagon. And I... I will kill this girl so that Sam and Dean don’t have to.”

When Dean and Sam catch up to Cas, Dean pins him to the wall in anger for deceiving them. Cas explains that he was trying to protect them: “I wanted to keep you out of this. I was trying to keep you safe.” “You’re not our babysitter, Cas, okay? That is not your job. And when in our whole lives have we ever been safe?”

Dean convinces Cas to come back to the bunker with them to talk and figure things out (but Kelly hijacks the car and drives off).

Sam is confused about why Cas keeps ditching them and deceiving them, but Dean understands his perspective: “What’s wrong with Cas?” “Well, he hasn’t exactly had a banner year. I mean, think about it. Between Lucifer, killing Billie, Ramiel, everything’s been blowin’ up in his face. And he’s so desperate for a win right now, he can’t even see straight.”

When Cas sees that Dean is hurt, he immediately heals him.

Dean is concerned about Castiel after his display of channeled nephilim power: “Are you ok?” “I am. I’ve been so lost. I’m not lost anymore. And I know now that this child must be born with all of his power.” ... “Whatever that thing did to you, we’re not just gonna let you walk away.”

Cas puts Dean and Sam to sleep so they can’t follow him and Kelly.

12.20 Twigs & Twine & Naomi Banes

Dean is concerned about what happened with Cas and the nephilim: “...up until now, if Cas messed up, if he did something wrong but he thought it was for the right reasons, I got it. Right? But last night, when I looked at him, I did not recognize the guy staring back at me.”

Dean calls his mom for emotional support over what’s happening with Cas: “Even if you can’t swing by, can you call me back? Just some stuff going down that’s kinda got me spun out. Be good to talk to you.”

12.22 Who We Are

Dean laments how things were when Cas was still around: “You know it wasn’t long ago, I thought we had it made. We saved the world. We got Cas back. We had Mom back. I mean, it wasn’t perfect, but still, we had ‘em. And now...”

12.23 All Along the Watchtower

Dean is still mad at Cas for leaving them, but he sets it aside to take care of business: “You know, Cas has faith in this kid. I hope he’s right. But me? I have faith in US. You, me, Mom, Cas. And Crowley, sometimes.”

When Cas is killed by Lucifer, Dean yells out and falls to his knees. Sam runs inside to check on the nephilim, but Dean does not move from Castiel’s side.

[nellie-elizabeth]

Supernatural: Byzantium (14x08)

Oh boy. Cas... you're such a Winchester, man.

Cons:

There were some moments, especially early on in the episode, where the pacing and the framing of events felt off. It's a bit hard to describe, but the best example I have is when Sam leaves the bunker, and Dean and Cas rush after him and find him sitting on the ground, leaning against the impala. Dean rushes out and demands to know if Sam made a deal, but Sam says no, he was just trying to build a pyre. These few minutes of screen-time hit a bunch of emotional beats right in a row, and it's pretty confusing. Sam leaves the bunker looking determined and distraught. Dean is frantic with worry that Sam may have made a deal. Sam is crushed that he couldn't even build a pyre for Jack. But why? We see him struggling to fell a tree, and then he just gives up? The whole sequence of shots gave me whiplash, and it felt like a poor way of setting up a really important fact, that being that Sam and Dean are not willing to repeat old mistakes to save Jack, no matter how much they might miss him.

Is Heaven really just people being stuck in old happy memories, a timeless loop where they don't even realize they're dead? I know we've seen and heard versions of this before, but it doesn't feel like an appropriate reward for our heroes. If Sam and Dean die at the end of this show, and go to Heaven, that will feel very strange to me, given the setup we've seen.

Dean calls Mary and leaves a voicemail to tell her the bad news that Jack has died, and apparently this is the first time any of them tried to call her and let her know what was going on. I get that everything happened quickly, but shouldn't someone have at least called Mary while they were waiting by Jack's deathbed? They didn't know how long he had. They might have given Mary a chance to rush back and say goodbye. And what about all the hunters from Apocalypse World? I thought they were all one big happy family, Jack included. Where were they for this episode? This was the first time all season that I felt their absence from the story proper was not adequately explained.

Pros:

Everyone's reactions to Jack dying were so heartbreaking. We get so many moments affirming how much Team Free Will care for Jack. They all affirm that he is their son, which warms my heart. Dean is angry and yet after Jack is gone, he's practical. Cas is trying to be emotionally supportive while drowning in his own sorrows, and Sam despairs, and then goes into denial, trying to find a way to fix things. Even though I thought the pacing was off, I did like seeing Sam break down, and then go straight into fix-it mode. That feels very true to his character.

The drinking scene between the three guys was great. We never see things like that. They get wasted, talk about Jack, laugh at good memories, toast to their fallen friend and son. We honestly need more moments like this in the show, where we see these people just spending time with each other, existing in each other's lives. Cas really feels like he belongs in the bunker, with his family. We get a scene at the end, when Jack has been resurrected, where the four of them have dinner and toast to Jack's health. It's a nice parallel, showing the family, now whole once more, when before they were missing their newest member.

I'll admit I didn't remember Lily Sunder at first, but ultimately I think it was a really cool idea to bring her back. She just wants to be reunited with her daughter in Heaven, but after all the harm she's done, the balance of her deeds is not in her favor. In the end, though, she does something incredibly selfless to help Jack, and this pushes her over the edge. What a nice resolution to her character. It was fun to bring someone back and give them a proper redemption like this.

Speaking of parents reuniting with their children, how sweet was it to see Kelly and Jack get to spend time together at last? I loved all the love and hugs going around. Jack and Kelly embrace, and when Cas shows up, he embraces them both, so thrilled to see them. It was enormously sweet. Kelly is such a kind, good soul, and it's nice to know that she's been at peace.

I like the idea that the Empty and Heaven would both feel they had a claim on Jack. He's half human, half angel, after all. The Empty is an interesting concept that has actually held up pretty well since it was first introduced. The idea of nothingness isn't really frightening if you're asleep for eternity, but we know from Cas, and now Lucifer, that things don't always go as planned.

Oh, Cas. I know I'm not the only one to think immediately about Buffy the Vampire Slayer when I heard the Empty's threat to Cas. Cas agrees to give himself up to the Empty if Jack is free to return to life. The Empty says that they won't take Cas right away - they will wait until he lets himself be perfectly happy, and then swoop in and take him away. This is just like Angel losing his soul if he experiences true happiness! Like, this is what that is! Totally! I've long since stopped pretending, even to myself, that Destiel is going to happen for real, but this scenario is just ripe for the fandom's taking. If Cas is truly happy, he instantly dies? Please. The angst is unreal. Even more interesting, Jack knows what Cas did for him, but Sam and Dean don't. Jack will agree to keep that promise, but I'm betting things are going to get pretty intense once the truth comes out. I am emotional.

Next week is the mid-season finale, which usually means something very intense. In this case, Michael's return. I love that Cas is still around in the story. I don't know if he's in more episodes this season overall, but he's been in six of the first eight, and his presence has definitely been felt more. I'm scared for Dean of course, and I hope they get closer to their goal of stopping Michael!

8/10

[angeldesaray]

Paralyzed (Dean x Reader)

AN: I got this idea listening to Paralyzed by NF (Hence the title) and admittedly, from some personal experience, (and I admit personal experience because I am an odd one that can be very open about things others would be uncomfortable with sharing.  Plus I thought it might be a little therapeutic to write some of it out).

Characters: Dean Winchester, Reader (Fem Reader, btw), Sam Winchester (Briefly mentioned), Castiel (Briefly Mentioned)

Trigger warning: Thoughts of self harm, talk of suicidal thoughts, depression, some anxiety.  I do spend some time delving into/explaining the current state of mind before getting to the comfort/fluff.

One Shot/Drabble, Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, Light Swearing

Word Count: 1721

When did I become so numb? When did I lose myself? All the words that leave my tongue; feel like they came from someone else.

When did I become so cold? When did I become ashamed? Where's the person that I know? They must have left--They must have left, with all my faith...

I'm paralyzed: I'm scared to live but I'm scared to die. And if life is pain then I buried mine a long time ago but it's still alive. And it's taking over me, where am I? I wanna feel something, I'm numb inside--but I feel nothing, I wonder why? And on the race of life time passes by--look! I sit back and I watch it, hands in my pockets. Waves come crashing over me but I just watch 'em--I just watch 'em. I'm under water but I feel like I'm on top of it, I'm at the bottom and I don’t know what the problem is. I'm in a box, but I’m the one who locked me in--suffocating and I'm running out of oxygen.

I'm paralyzed; where are my feelings? I no longer feel things I know I should. I'm paralyzed--where is the real me? I’m lost and it kills me inside...I’m paralyzed.

The lights were off in your room, possibly the whole bunker.  Under the blankets somehow managed to feel too hot and too cold at the same time.  Curled up in the fetal position on your side, one arm under and one arm on top of the pillow, your hands white knuckled the soft pillow so tight that despite the padding your nails were still digging into your palms.  Your face was turned into the pillow, your body shaking from the effort to keep it inside, even now in the solitude of your room.  You were afraid of the noise--that even though you were alone, in the silence of the bunker you feared if you made so much as a squeak you would be heard, and one of the Winchester brothers would know you were not okay.

They couldn’t know--not because they reacted badly or anything like that, but because it was so deeply engrained into you that you had to be fine, and as close to perfect as possible, and no one could know if something was wrong with you or you’d done something wrong.  Not to mention, unexplained feelings like what you were experiencing now seemed to pail miserably in comparison to what the Winchesters went through--you weren’t going to bring up that you felt how you did for no reason visible to you.

The pain--unexplained sorrow, or perhaps pain that had been repressed far too long that popped the lid on the entire bottle for all of it to overflow at once in a confusing flood with no coherency to it to make it explainable--caused you to curl further into yourself, clutching that feeble pillow tighter while your mouth opened in a silent scream of pain as you fought the sound, shaking from the effort it took to be silent and the immense sadness that was consuming you at this very moment.  The pillow was wet--not damp, but not yet soaked--with your tears, and every now and then some fragment of a sob would make it out of your throat before you choked it back down or buried your face in the pillow to make it suffocate before it could grow into something louder.

And there was no true reason to your current state.  Nothing you could pinpoint, anyway.  The past week, maybe longer, you’d just slowly...slipped into a darker and darker place.  It wasn’t the first time this had happened, but it was particularly bad right now.  Usually, you could put on the smile, the act--say ‘I’m fine’ or at least that you would be okay, that you were just feeling a little down and would be better soon.

Maybe it was all the repressed emotions you’d bottled up for as long as you remembered that had been there so long you didn’t even still have the memories the feelings were tied to, or could even make sense of all the feelings they were.  They were just bottled up because you were the good girl, the strong girl, the one that never did anything wrong or had anything wrong with her--things that were engrained into your psyche at a heart-wrenching young age.  You were always getting onto Dean when he repressed things too long because you saw what it did to him...or maybe because you knew what it did to you.

Maybe something had triggered it, maybe there was some small event you’d forgotten about already that had started this subtle-at-first slide into the breakdown you were currently having.

Maybe there was no reason.  Maybe it just happened.

But you didn’t care about what started it, not right now.  Right now it was just the pain, the overwhelming pain and the need to be silent in your pain so the other two occupants in the bunker wouldn’t know you were suffering.

Thank God Castiel wasn’t around right now.  He’d surely be able to pick up on the agony of soul you were in right now if he had been nearby.

You didn’t think you could curl up any more--you might break yourself in two if you did, though you might not even notice, where you were right now emotionally.

The brief thought crossed your mind that there were plenty of knives in the bunker, and the image danced briefly across your mind, fleetingly tantalizing before you clamped down on the thought.

Right...the dark, temporary relief.  The distraction from the emotional pain.  The only thing that kept you from that road was evidence--you couldn’t risk leaving any evidence to break your don’t let them know rule.  That was the only thing that kept you from inflicting physical pain upon yourself to distract from the emotional--a sheer desire not to leave evidence for others to see how messed up you were.

But you weren’t always messed up.  There were plenty of times when you really were okay, when you were happy, even if it was fleeting--most of those moments were with Sam, Dean, and Cas, Dean especially.

Other days...other days you found yourself thinking--even if it was only a brief image in your head before you caught it and shoved it deep, deep down--of the easy way out, or a thought that would eventually lead you to that conclusion.

You were holding yourself together with scotch tape, and even that was being generous--and as far as you knew, no one was aware.  And even though you had three wonderful people in your life, it took a loneliness you’d battled all your life and made it into an inescapable monster on nights like these.

Your eyes squeezed tightly shut as you fought to keep in the emotions spilling over all at once, you didn’t notice the door quietly open.

Someone had noticed--honestly, everyone had, but he had grown so worried, he couldn’t sleep and had to come and check on you even though it was the middle of the night.

Because that was Dean.  And for all your effort to be silent, thank God he’d come.

You were still shaking in bed, face slick with tears and trying to muffle your pain with the pillow that couldn’t even keep your fingernails from digging into your palms, when you suddenly felt a warm, calloused hand envelop the one clenched on top of the pillow.  You jumped, startled, breath catching in your throat and feeling sheer panic at the realization someone had found you in the middle of your breakdown.  Dean instantly moved to reassure you, while your tears slowed dramatically from the well-ingrained instinct not to let others see you cry if you could help it.

“It’s okay, it’s me,” Dean said softly as you turned enough to peer in his direction through the darkness of your room.  He was close enough you could make out just enough to see his heart break some to see you so distraught and vulnerable, and it broke your heart more to see it, immediately feeling like an unnecessary burden.

Upon seeing the state you were in up close, Dean carefully shifted to lie down on the bed beside you, expression one of pure concern, especially when you didn’t immediately turn to face him, but remained curled up with your back to him.  He did what he could while only facing your back, tenderly pulling the hair from your face and tucking it behind your ear, his hand dropping to gently rub your shoulder once he’d finished.

“Talk to me?  Tell me what’s wrong?” he asked softly after several long moments of silence of him staring at your shaking shoulders and you trying to regain some composure.

And failing miserably at your task.

The sound of his voice was a natural balm--Dean himself was--but at the same time, you didn’t want to talk right now, you didn’t want words that would only seem empty with the state you were currently in.

You turned over to lie on your back, looking up at him and finding his open, wholehearted concern bringing the flood of emotions right back to the surface.  You swallowed, offering no explanation as you turned all the way around, once more on your side, but now with your arms wrapping around Dean, fingers clenching into his shirt and face buried in his warm chest, curling up to him instead of yourself as the tears resumed spilling down your cheeks.  It didn’t take long for his shirt to get damp, heading quickly for soaked as he Dean, slightly startled and still unsure of where all of this had come from, wrapped you in his arms in turn, pulling you close and tucking her head comfortably under his chin, one hand rubbing your back to encourage you to let it out--whatever it was that had you in so much pain.

“It’s okay...It’s okay...I’m here...” he murmured, but you shook your head jerkily at his words, still mindful enough not to head-butt him in the chin.

It wasn’t okay.

“Please...don’t talk.  Not right now,” you murmured haltingly, hands clenching tighter as you pulled him closer, as you wormed your way closer to him.  “Don’t talk...I just need...need this--need you.  Not words...just you,” you finished in a whisper.

Clearly listening to what you said, Dean didn’t say anything, but in response he did hold you tighter, closer, perhaps even protectively, like he was going to protect you from what was hurting you even if he didn’t know what it was.  In the silence, you let yourself be held, let the warmth fight the cold and numb that encroached inside you, let his presence and embrace show you that you weren’t alone.  He didn’t speak, not one word, and he didn’t once complain about the tears ruining his shirt or the sounds of pain that mirrored a wounded animal that escaped you here and there--he didn’t complain about not being told what was wrong.  He simply held you, a little tighter or more securely when some wave of pain pulled some sort of vocalization out of you, until you grew so exhausted you simply passed out, falling asleep with tears still wet on your face in his embrace.

And when you woke, he was still there, holding you just as securely, even when he was asleep himself.

[coffeeandcas]

The Greatest Thing You'll Ever Learn (3/?)

Takes place after the events of 12x12 “Stuck in the Middle With You”.

Castiel has been in love with Dean ever since he first laid a hand on him in Hell all those years ago. But finally, painfully, he realises Dean will never return his feelings and forces himself to move on. Dean misses the presence and attention of his angel, and comes to some realisations of his own.

http://archiveofourown.org/works/9841280

***

Chapter 3/?

“Have you seen Cas?”

Sam wanders into the library some time later to find Dean apparently so immersed in a book that he doesn’t hear his brother’s footsteps or his question. It doesn’t escape Sam’s notice that hiding behind the hide edition of ‘Demonic Posession Vol II’ is a copy of Busty Asian Beauties, or that Dean seems a little drunk - if his red-rimmed eyes and the half-empty bottle of Jack are anything to go by. Sam sits down opposite Dean and fixes his brother with a stare, one which Dean stubbornly ignores in favour of turning a page.

“He’s in his room. He still feels like crap - I told him to go lie down.”

It’s a blatant lie, and Sam knows it. He had seen Cas disappear down the corridor with tears in his eyes and had heard his bedroom door slam. He had debated going to speak to the angel, try and console him again, but he knew nothing he had to say would do any good. The only person who can fix the situation is Dean - if he’s even able to.

“You really didn’t know?” Sam asks quietly, testing the waters with no idea how Dean will respond. Dean heaves out a sigh and takes another sip from his beer, stalling. Then he shakes his head, avoiding his brother’s gaze.

“No, Sam. I didn’t. I had no idea.”

“But…how? How is that even possible? I know you’re emotionally dense half the time, Dean - don’t look at me like that - but it’s so blindingly obvious. The way he looks at you…it’s like you’re his whole world. How did you not see that?”

“I don’t know, Sam, I mean it’s Cas. He’s…he’s Cas, you know? He’s weird, he’s clingy, he has no concept of personal space or communication or…anything, man. I just thought it was normal for him.”

“Normal?” Sam scoffs, incredulous. “Come on, Dean. He may have been all those things but that was a long time ago. You can’t honestly tell me that he acts the same way towards me as he does you? I know observation isn’t always one of your strong points, but-”

“Sam, where is this going?” Dean cuts his brother off mid-sentence with a glower. This isn’t a conversation he wants to have.

He’s spent the entire morning going over and over what Cas had said, both earlier in the day and the evening before, and trying to push down the creeping feelings of guilt. He had lied to Sam immediately as soon as the conversation was struck: he knows exactly how Cas feels, of course he does. He’s known for years. But acknowledging Castiel’s feelings for him? Now that in itself was complex: it meant delving into his own feelings for the angel, something he really couldn’t face doing. Dean didn’t do serious relationships, he didn’t do commitment, and he certainly didn’t do…well, Cas is just off-limits and that’s all there is to it. He shies away from tugging at that thread, because he knows he’s being irrational but he just can’t help it. Dean likes women. He dates women, he sleeps with women, he prefers women. He’s never so much as looked at another guy before, or played tonsil tennis in a game of spin the bottle. Sam had done it, back when they were teenagers drunk on too much cheap cider and the bottle had landed on him and another skinny, floppy haired dude and they had gone through with it. But never Dean. He had taken his masculinity far too seriously for that, and Sam had laughed when Dean ribbed him about it, calling him repressed and old-fashioned.

Castiel may have no preference when it comes to gender or sexuality, but that doesn’t mean Dean finds it that easy to shed his inhibitions. It’s all irrelevant anyway, because Dean does not have feelings for the angel. But just say he did, it would never work or be possible to have anything beyond friendship. Castiel may have been in a female vessel at some point but he is very definitely a man - and a handsome one at that - and any feelings Dean has for his angelic best friend are overshadowed by his own internal battles focusing on that one particular fact. Castiel is a man, and Dean isn’t gay. Cas might be attractive, kind, sweet, attentive; all the things Dean would look for in a partner, but he just can’t let himself go there no matter how much he might want to. Cas is his best friend, and Cas is a man. Cas is off-limits.

“I just can’t understand you, not that it’s any surprise!” Anguished, Sam runs his hands through his hair again, making Dean jolt with shock at the intensity in his voice. “Cas is devoted to you, and it must have taken everything he had to tell you he loved you, and you’ve just…brushed it off! How can you do that?”

“Fuck off, Sammy, that isn’t what I’m doing.” Dean finally throws the book down in exasperation, and it falls open to an explicit page that Sam cringes at. Dean shuts it with a derisive snort. “And for fuck’s sake: ‘devoted’. He is not. I can’t help it if I don’t share his feelings, what am I meant to do? Lie?”

“Well, Dean, we all know how good you are at that because where Cas is concerned you’ve been lying to yourself for years, but no, lying isn’t what you should do right now. Perhaps the truth would be a good place to start this time. Perhaps taking a look at yourself and realising what we all know to be true is-”

“And what’s that, since you’re such an expert?” Dean’s tone is low now, dangerous, and he’s downed another shot of whiskey, but Sam ignores it all. He’s dealt with many a Dean-style temper tantrum over the years and this is no different. Except that this time, everything is different because his brother is so far entrenched in his denial that it’s hurting the one close friend they’ve ever had. And Sam just can’t let that stand. They’ve all been there, they’ve all lied to each other and hurt each other, but this is on a much more intimate level and without a good hard shove Dean is unlikely to deal with the situation well at all. But hell, Sam has dealt with worse: he and Cas broke Dean down when he was a demon because they both knew what was best for him, no matter how much agony it caused at the time. Sam did it then, he could do it again. So what if Dean has to hurt a little before this is all resolved? If Dean can just let go of his own pig-headed, frankly bigoted nonsense then he could end up getting everything he ever wanted.

Sam thinks he knows what’s going through his brother’s mind: Castiel isn’t a woman, and therefore in Dean’s warped brain he’s probably not even on the radar for a romantic relationship. But if Dean could just get over that and realise how idiotic his own hang-ups are, realise that Castiel could make him happier than he ever imagined…

“We both know how expert you are in sabotaging your own happiness,” Sam is starting to lose his temper now, infuriated by his brother’s own stubbornness and blatant denial. “But this time it isn’t just yourself you’re hurting. You’re hurting Cas, our best friend, and I can’t believe you’d let that happen after everything you’ve been through together.”

“Cas will be fine. He’s been through worse than this and bounced right back. It’s probably just a crush, anyway,” Dean shrugs, trying to diffuse the mounting tension. He’s so done with all this. “I’m devilishly handsome, after all.”

His joke falls flat into the silence between them. Sam appraises his brother for a long time, taking in the dishevelled hair, the eyes red from alcohol and shoulders tight with tension, the firm line to his mouth: every signal that Dean has shut down and won’t discuss this further.

“Whatever, man. I’m going to go and talk to him. He’s been through hell the last couple of days, and he could use a friend.” Sam waits a beat, to see if Dean is going to volunteer to go and find Cas himself, but when that offer doesn’t come the younger Winchester rolls his eyes, scoots his chair back with an audible screech, and vanishes down the corridor. Dean listens to him clatter through the bunker, deliberately making as much noise as possible, and slides further down in his chair. He does feel like crap; Cas doesn’t deserve this. But equally he can’t bring himself to go and talk to the pained angel. It’s too risky. The words and feelings the angel might draw out of him…he can’t do it. He isn’t ready to tackle those feelings and as far as he’s concerned he never will be. Castiel will…Castiel will just have to deal with it. Dean’s been dealing with it for a while now, he’s sure his angel can do the same.

The angel. Not his angel, Dean admonishes himself. Thoughts like that just don’t help matters at all. It will all be fine; Cas probably just feels worse because of the whole Lance of Michael ordeal. When he’s back to his usual stoic self, the awkward conversation between them will be nothing more than an awkward memory, one they will work around and carry on from. Because that’s what they do: they carry on.

“Dean?”

“What, Sam?” Dean throws his magazine on the table in irritation, glowering menacingly at his brother as he approaches, looking hassled. He just wants to be left alone.

“Cas…all his things…” Sam runs his hands through his hair, the distraught expression on his face causing Dean to sit up and really pay attention. “Dean, Cas is gone.”

[ao3feed-castiel]

The Road to Hell

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

by HollyDB

Faith sacrificed herself to save the girl she thinks of like a sister, but Chuck had other ideas and sends her barreling back to earth...in the back of an Impala. As Faith navigates being alive again, she begins a friends-with-benefits hookup with Dean Winchester that quickly becomes something neither of them expected. Meanwhile, a new demon bar in Lebanon has a previously dormant Hellmouth acting up again. Lucifer tricks an emotionally distraught Willow into opening it, and the only thing that can close it is Slayer blood. Buffy's a vampire now, so surely her blood won't work, and Spike's determined to make sure she doesn't have reason to think otherwise. 

In terms of Buffy fandom, this is a continuation of an extremely unofficial sequel to Harbingers of Beatrice. Includes OCs from that story.  

Continuity with previous installments is something we strive for but do not guarantee

Words: 22545, Chapters: 7/?, Language: English

Series: Part 5 of The Disco Chronicles

Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Supernatural, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Saved By the Bell (TV), The West Wing, Angel: the Series

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, Gen

Characters: Faith Lehane, Dean Winchester, Vampire Buffy Summers, Spike (BtVS), Sam Winchester, Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles, Mary Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Zack Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Lucifer (Supernatural), Crowley (Supernatural), Willow Rosenberg, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, Donna Moss, Toby Ziegler, Xander Harris, Anya Jenkins, Original Winchester Character(s), Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s)

Relationships: Faith Lehane/Dean Winchester, Spike/Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers/Sam Winchester, Rupert Giles/Mary Winchester, Kelly Kapowski/Zack Morris, Sam Seaborn/Willow Rosenberg, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce/Original Female Character(s), Cordelia Chase/Original Male Character(s)

Additional Tags: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack Relationships, Crack and Angst, Crack Crossover, Drama & Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Non-Explicit Sex, Psychological Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apocalypse, Established Relationship

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

[ao3feed-crowley]

The Road to Hell

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

by HollyDB

Faith sacrificed herself to save the girl she thinks of like a sister, but Chuck had other ideas and sends her barreling back to earth...in the back of an Impala. As Faith navigates being alive again, she begins a friends-with-benefits hookup with Dean Winchester that quickly becomes something neither of them expected. Meanwhile, a new demon bar in Lebanon has a previously dormant Hellmouth acting up again. Lucifer tricks an emotionally distraught Willow into opening it, and the only thing that can close it is Slayer blood. Buffy's a vampire now, so surely her blood won't work, and Spike's determined to make sure she doesn't have reason to think otherwise. 

In terms of Buffy fandom, this is a continuation of an extremely unofficial sequel to Harbingers of Beatrice. Includes OCs from that story.  

Continuity with previous installments is something we strive for but do not guarantee

Words: 14621, Chapters: 5/?, Language: English

Series: Part 5 of The Disco Chronicles

Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Supernatural, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Saved By the Bell (TV), The West Wing, Angel: the Series

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, Gen

Characters: Faith Lehane, Dean Winchester, Vampire Buffy Summers, Spike (BtVS), Sam Winchester, Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles, Mary Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Zack Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Lucifer (Supernatural), Crowley (Supernatural), Willow Rosenberg, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, Donna Moss, Toby Ziegler, Xander Harris, Anya Jenkins, Original Winchester Character(s), Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s)

Relationships: Faith Lehane/Dean Winchester, Spike/Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers/Sam Winchester, Rupert Giles/Mary Winchester, Kelly Kapowski/Zack Morris, Sam Seaborn/Willow Rosenberg, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce/Original Female Character(s), Cordelia Chase/Original Male Character(s)

Additional Tags: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack Relationships, Crack and Angst, Crack Crossover, Drama & Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Non-Explicit Sex, Psychological Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apocalypse, Established Relationship

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

[ao3feed-btvs]

The Road to Hell

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

by HollyDB

Faith sacrificed herself to save the girl she thinks of like a sister, but Chuck had other ideas and sends her barreling back to earth...in the back of an Impala. As Faith navigates being alive again, she begins a friends-with-benefits hookup with Dean Winchester that quickly becomes something neither of them expected. Meanwhile, a new demon bar in Lebanon has a previously dormant Hellmouth acting up again. Lucifer tricks an emotionally distraught Willow into opening it, and the only thing that can close it is Slayer blood. Buffy's a vampire now, so surely her blood won't work, and Spike's determined to make sure she doesn't have reason to think otherwise. 

In terms of Buffy fandom, this is a continuation of an extremely unofficial sequel to Harbingers of Beatrice. Includes OCs from that story.  

Continuity with previous installments is something we strive for but do not guarantee

Words: 14621, Chapters: 5/?, Language: English

Series: Part 5 of The Disco Chronicles

Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Supernatural, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Saved By the Bell (TV), The West Wing, Angel: the Series

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, Gen

Characters: Faith Lehane, Dean Winchester, Vampire Buffy Summers, Spike (BtVS), Sam Winchester, Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles, Mary Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Zack Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Lucifer (Supernatural), Crowley (Supernatural), Willow Rosenberg, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, Donna Moss, Toby Ziegler, Xander Harris, Anya Jenkins, Original Winchester Character(s), Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s)

Relationships: Faith Lehane/Dean Winchester, Spike/Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers/Sam Winchester, Rupert Giles/Mary Winchester, Kelly Kapowski/Zack Morris, Sam Seaborn/Willow Rosenberg, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce/Original Female Character(s), Cordelia Chase/Original Male Character(s)

Additional Tags: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack Relationships, Crack and Angst, Crack Crossover, Drama & Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Non-Explicit Sex, Psychological Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apocalypse, Established Relationship

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

[ao3feed-castiel]

The Road to Hell

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4

by HollyDB

Faith sacrificed herself to save the girl she thinks of like a sister, but Chuck had other ideas and sends her barreling back to earth...in the back of an Impala. As Faith navigates being alive again, she begins a friends-with-benefits hookup with Dean Winchester that quickly becomes something neither of them expected. Meanwhile, a new demon bar in Lebanon has a previously dormant Hellmouth acting up again. Lucifer tricks an emotionally distraught Willow into opening it, and the only thing that can close it is Slayer blood. Buffy's a vampire now, so surely her blood won't work, and Spike's determined to make sure she doesn't have reason to think otherwise. 

In terms of Buffy fandom, this is a continuation of an extremely unofficial sequel to Harbingers of Beatrice. Includes OCs from that story.  

Continuity with previous installments is something we strive for but do not guarantee

Words: 8657, Chapters: 3/?, Language: English

Series: Part 5 of The Disco Chronicles

Fandoms: Buffy the Vampire Slayer (TV), Supernatural, Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling, Saved By the Bell (TV), The West Wing, Angel: the Series

Rating: Explicit

Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence

Categories: F/M, Gen

Characters: Faith Lehane, Dean Winchester, Vampire Buffy Summers, Spike (BtVS), Sam Winchester, Dawn Summers, Rupert Giles, Mary Winchester, Castiel (Supernatural), Zack Morris, Kelly Kapowski, Harry Potter, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Lucifer (Supernatural), Crowley (Supernatural), Willow Rosenberg, Sam Seaborn, Josh Lyman, Donna Moss, Toby Ziegler, Xander Harris, Anya Jenkins, Original Winchester Character(s), Original Female Character(s), Original Male Character(s)

Relationships: Faith Lehane/Dean Winchester, Spike/Buffy Summers, Dawn Summers/Sam Winchester, Rupert Giles/Mary Winchester, Kelly Kapowski/Zack Morris, Sam Seaborn/Willow Rosenberg, Josh Lyman/Donna Moss, Xander Harris/Anya Jenkins, Harry Potter/Ginny Weasley, Hermione Granger/Ron Weasley, Wesley Wyndam-Pryce/Original Female Character(s), Cordelia Chase/Original Male Character(s)

Additional Tags: Crack, Crack Treated Seriously, Crack Relationships, Crack and Angst, Crack Crossover, Drama & Romance, Explicit Sexual Content, Explicit Language, Non-Explicit Sex, Psychological Torture, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Apocalypse, Established Relationship

read it on the AO3 at https://ift.tt/30vlvw4