#embalm me with your...*redacted*

[ilovemesomevincentprice]

Vincent Price and Peter Lorre

The Comedy of Terrors (1964) dir. Jacques Tourneur

[cainhood]

lilac  mornings  idle  on  a  clouding  limbo.     sweet-stuck  at  the  bottom  of  a  glass,   like  cocktail  residue  baked  under  a  light  sun.     a  can  of  cola  discarded  upon  a  window-pane  by  equally  tacky  child-hands.     you  don’t  remember  these  hands.     too  fickle  to  let  memory  brew  into  something  nice.     your  hands  deaden  after  the  nursing  gulps  of  whiskey,   and  its  wedge  of  lemon.     sour  tongue,   sharp  heart.     (   glory’s  in  the  guts  when  you  reach  deep  enough.   )     a  fully-written  page  rips,   and  your  eyes  blink  again.     the  amber  drink  warms  his  liquid-smooth  veins.     reddened  like  an  off-shore  haze  of  the  waking  sun,   like  a  heart  cracking  a  thick  skin  of  embalming  fluid.     day  break:   you  awake.     cute  rhyme  for  a  boy-carcass.     and  still,   his  gaze  darkens  as  the  sun  rises.     watch  the  blank  page  fill,   again,   with  a  past  you  might  remember.     each  time  is  different.     it  could  write  something  old,   long  forgotten  beside  a  cactus  like  a  desert-hung  carcass.     redacted  to  your  liking,   to  your  mother’s  liking.     whoever  deserves  the  re-write  today.     no  memory  remembers  itself  perfectly.     today  it  spews  something  new.     something  newly  old.     a  moony  little  assistant,   sidling  up  to  him  with  kitten-round  eyes.     a  half-sigh  thrown  with  a  burgeoning  smile.     played  reluctantly,   like  he’s  not  enjoying  this.     ‘   well,   your  best  pal  can’t  just  let   any  old  sally   in  here  now,   can  he?   ’     a  simple  rounded  look   –   wears  her  curt  rule  in  that  raised,   plucked  brow   –   and  he  bridges  the  gap  for  the  receptionist.     his  own  brows  raise,   and  she  cedes  the  ball  to  his  court.     his  game  now,   that  aster  whitlock  can’t  play.     they  should  learn  what  a  proper  morning  greeting  looks  like.     right?     ‘   an’  i’d  hate  to  reprimand  someone  for  doing  their  job   ( … )   y’telling  me  she   really   doesn’t  recognise  you  yet?   ’

WHO: Aster Whitlock & Jack Horne (@cainhood) WHERE: Ichibangase /Eisher Corporation, front lobby

Though Aster had been working as the Ichibangase/Eisher Corporation's COO's assistant for a couple of months now, they still found the job to be stressful and overwhelming. Every day they woke up and expected to be fired, and though it hadn't happened yet, they still braced for that familiar speech. It was practically a given at this point--- they knew they'd forever be seen as the pathetic younger sibling, and though they hoped this job would help turn that image around, they still held their breath as they wandered into work.

Well--- tried to wander into work. They had overslept this morning and hadn't realized they left their employee ID badge in their apartment until they got to the lobby. They had hoped the receptionist, a face they greet every morning and at the end of every shift, would recognize them and let them into the building, but they found themself being denied entry instead.

❝Dude, I'm telling you--- I'm an employee. I'm Millicent Eisher's personal assistant. You can look me up on LinkedIn or something to prove it.❞ They had been having the same back and forth for ten minutes, but the receptionist remained skeptical.  ❝What kind of burglar wears business casual, anyway? And why would I walk through the front door and check in if I wanted to rob this place?❞  

They were about to give up and admit their blunder to their boss, but the sight of JACK HORNE changed their mind. If they could get him to vouch for them, then maybe the receptionist would give in and let them enter the building. They shuffled over to him, hands awkwardly hanging at their back as they hummed,  ❝Jack... my old buddy... my best pal.❞ They swung on their heels a bit, trying to avoid direct eye contact as they continued,  ❝Could you go and tell the receptionist that I work here? She seems to think I'm trying to rob the place or something.❞ 

[mediocreskills]

OK SO I had all the Underwood codes decrypted in chronological order on a notepad doc, but my computer updated and I lost the document. I’ve gone and decoded them all again, and im putting them here in this post so I dont lose them again. 

Edit: Current as of episode 20

Edit 2: credit to @cinnamon-syrup​ for finding the one in the [redacted]!

Further edits: switched around the order of the backwards codes, credits to @absolxguardian​ for keeping up with the missing letters

MAJOR spoilers under the readmore

(the quote marks are where the tag begins and ends)

Underwood codes

ASCII HEX

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/188829363937/you-all-seem-awfully-invested-in-this-foundation

“Not yet, at least”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/188892488892/news-from-the-library

(release date)

“Are you still listening?”

“How can you, we haven’t even properly started…”

(reblog)

“Don’t forget…”

MORSE

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190223635362/und-00-season-1-trailer-the-underwood

(trailer)

“I HOPE YOU WILL STAY AWILE[sic]”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190486379242/tuccastlist

(short bios)

This one I lost with the document, but I think it went “THAT’S ODD, HE WASN’T THERE BEFORE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190486408277/colleagues-and-students

(episode 1 release date)

“ARE YOU STILL LISTENING”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190498595732/und-01-prima-donna-the-underwood-collection

(episode 1 link)

“QUITE A FIERY PERFORMANCE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190627591407/happy-monday-everyone-episode-2-of-the-underwood

(episode 2 link & transcript)

“SHORT AND SO VERY SWEET”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190755248027/happy-monday-dear-scholars-your-new-file-can-be

(episode 3)

“OF COURSE WE KNOW THEIR NAMES”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190778770637/apologies-for-any-confusion-from-the-past-hour-or

(accidental reblogs)

“MARS FUCKED UP”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190877403857/good-monday-morning-dearest-scholars-your-latest

(episode 4)

“A FAMILIAR SENSATION”

“I WONDER IF THE OLD MAN FELT IT TOO”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190902452482/regarding-recent-events

(leak)

“WE HOPE THAT IS THE ONLY THING MISPLACED”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190486379242/tuccastlist

(short bios updated)

“IT IS LIKELY THERE WILL BE A PERMANENT CHANG[sic]”

“SOON”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/190950622837/good-day-scholars-the-follow-up-files-to

(mid-season special)

“THE OBELISK PIERCES THE SACRED SKY”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/191002477647/its-monday-once-again-scholars-todays-file-is

(episode 5)

“THEY SAY THERES SOMEONE WHO CAN FIX THAT”

“AND SHES USUALLY WILLING TO BO[sic] IT”

“FOR FREE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/611505625291243520/good-afternoon-scholars-you-may-have-noticed-the

(episode 6)

“ANTS ARE QUITE ADEPT AT INVADING HIVES”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/612135524148396032/apologies-for-the-late-upload-once-again-we

(episode 7)

“EMBALMING IS TO KEEP THE FLESH ALIVE”

“AND TO SPITE THE END”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/612758897181278208/good-morning-scholars-you-may-have-noticed-we

(episode 8)

“SO THEY HAVE BECOME MEALS”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/613134392527896576/hello-scholars-we-have-a-special-mid-season-bonus

(episode 8.5)

“ENJOY THIS WHILE YOU CAN”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/613410702820016128/its-monday-once-again-scholars-your-new-file-is

(episode 9)

“IT IS WHEN THE CANARY STOPS SINGING”

“THAT YOU SHOULD BE TRULY AFRAID”

“OF THE DEPTHS”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/614043566045642752/afternoon-scholars-our-final-statement-before

(episode 10)

“DO YOU THINK THEYVE NOTICED YET”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/616568470082093056/hi-everyone-quick-out-of-character-update-today

(q&a)

audible morse code is all 

“OOPS” “NO” “REDCTED”

credit to @cinnamon-syrup​, @lunaisooon​, and @absolxguardian​ for putting the q&a codes together

Message hidden in the html code!!! (lina found this one!)

[ID] “Hello... You Shouldn’t Be Looking Here. Send Jonah My Regards. -AB.”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/618472592182067200/hellooo-lovely-lovely-scholars-welcome-back-to

(season two trailer)

“SHE IS ONTO US. WE MUST CHANGE AGAIN.”

“.SU EVIGROF”

MORSE AND BACKWARDS TEXT

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/619099825997316096/scholars-its-a-new-day-and-with-it-a-new-file

(episode 11)

“AS ARACHNE PLAYS HER STRINGS”

“SLAUGHTER AND END BEGIN TO SING”

“UPON THE HILL THE WEDDING BELL SOUNDS”

“INDISTINGUISHABLE FROM FUNERAL ROUNDS”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/619566954885300224/welcome-to-the-underwood-collection-wont-you

(teaser trailer video thing)

“Y'RE CLOSE, BUT THEY CAN'T GET CAUGHT. “

“THEY CAN’T”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/619735478403530752/hello-scholars-we-hope-youre-practicing-good

(episode 12)

“HER SERVICES ARE STILL FREE”

“BUT SHE CAN’T MAKE YOU UNKNOWN”

“NOT THE WAY I DO”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/620379328802357248/good-afternoon-scholars-hope-youre-ready-weve

(episode 13)

“FOR EVERYONE ELSE.”

“TO BE A STRANGER”

“YOU MUST BE ONE TOO”

“WHAT IS YOUR MONSTER?”

“AND WHO ARE YOU A MONSTER TO?”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/621001132645515264/today-we-get-a-bit-personal-you-can-listen-to

(episode 14)

“THE CORRUPTION LOVES”

“TO DRAG OTHERS INTO ITS MESSES”

“DOESN’T IT. MADAME DIRECTOR?”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/621643481125896192/good-day-scholars-we-have-your-file-all-ready-for

(episode 15)

“REMEMBER: WHATEVER YOU DO”

“A MIRROR CAN ONLY SHOW WHAT IS TRUE”

“WHETHER WARPED OR SHATTERED”

“TARNISHED OR BLACK”

“IT SHOWS WHAT IT SEES”

“AND ALWAYS LOOKS BACK”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/622638230737682433/you-didnt-think-wed-just-leave-you-with-radio

(episode 15.5)

“AN APPALLING THIEF THEY MAKE. NO?”

“AND OUR POOR ARCHIVIST”

“TO CATALOGUE EVERY THOUGHT”

“LEST THEY SLIP AWAY”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/623549746907365376/this-week-this-week-how-different-things

(episode 16)

“SOME PITY FOR HER SWEET LOST LENORE”

“SHE LOOKS WITHIN AND THUSLY SEES”

“DARKNESS THERE AND NOTHING MORE”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/624194605170196480/good-afternoon-scholars-so-glad-youve-taken-the

(episode 17)

“SHIFTING HUES AND MADE UP FACES”

“MEANINGLESS COLORS AND CONFRONTATIONS”

“ANSWERS IN QUESTIONS”

“THAT MAKE YOUR HEAD SPIN”

“AND YOU KNOW DEEP DOWN THAT YOU CANNOT WIN”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/624811317513142272/good-morning-scholars-todays-file-should-warm

(episode 18)

“THE WARMTH OF LOVE IS A HEALING FLAME”

“BUT BROKEN HEARTS LEAVE SMOULDERING BLAME”

“PAIN NEVER TO HEAL AND NEVER TO FLEE”

“PS. THE NOTE? IT WASNT ME”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/625172073815457792/a-little-treat-for-you-scholars-something-sweet

(episode 18.5)

“WE KNOW OBSESSION”

“YOU CAN LET IT CONSUME YOU”

“BUT SHES HERE FOR YOU”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/625440970729832448/might-be-nice-to-do-some-redecorating-today-while

(episode 19)

“OH COME NOW FOR A JUBILEE”

“THE THINGS THAT CALL YOU HOME SHALL SING”

“HURRAH HURRAH”

“DECAY AND FILTH FORM HUNGERS HEART”

“ITS THE LOYALTY OF YOUR NOBLEST PARTS”

“AND WE ALL FALL DOWN TO THE GROUND”

“TO RETURN TO THE DUST”

https://pitchlibrary.tumblr.com/post/626079190993731584/from-the-personal-files-of-uc-bamba-featuring

(episode 20)

“I MISS HIM SO.”

missing letters so far: HEDA and THE/OU credit to @absolxguardian​ for finding the missing letters

[stardewfm]

𝚆𝙴𝙻𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝙳𝙴𝚆, ADDIE & TOMMY ! we’re excited to have you around, did you hear that the movie theater is showing halloween-themed movies all month long ? make sure to check in at town hall within then next seven hours before you head over ! mitra yosri & david dobrik are now taken.

* ☆ — ( MITRA YOSRI, DEMIGIRL, SHE/HER ) good to see you again, ADDIE JAHANI! have you been busy prepping for this season’s festivities? isn’t your favorite season SPRING? hey, remind me, aren’t you TWENTY FOUR years old? that’s right… well, we’ve been so lucky to have a BRIGHT TATTOO ARTIST like you around stardew for TWENTY FOUR YEARS, even if you can be RECALCITRANT too. hopefully, nobody finds out about REDACTED, huh? i’ll see you later! ( m, 21+, aest )

* ☆ — ( DAVID DOBRIK, CIS MALE, HE/HIM ) good to see you again, TOMAS “TOMMY” HORVATH! have you been busy prepping for this season’s festivities? isn’t your favorite season WINTER? hey, remind me, aren’t you TWENTY FOUR years old? that’s right… well, we’ve been so lucky to have a CHARMING EMBALMER like you around stardew for TWENTY FOUR YEARS, even if you can be SELFISH too. hopefully, nobody finds out about REDACTED, huh? i’ll see you later! ( s, 20, cst )

[stardewfm]

𝚆𝙴𝙻𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙴 𝚃𝙾 𝚂𝚃𝙰𝚁𝙳𝙴𝚆, HADLEIGH, GENESIS, & ORION ! we’re excited to have you around, did you hear that the movie theater is showing halloween-themed movies all month long ? make sure to check in at town hall within then next seven hours before you head over ! stassiebaby, lydiakim.doc, lee taeyong now taken.

* ☆ — ( STASSIEBABY, CISFEMALE, SHE/HER ) good to see you again, HADLEIGH PRICE! have you been busy prepping for this season’s festivities? isn’t your favorite season SUMMER? hey, remind me, aren’t you TWENTY TWO years old? that’s right… well, we’ve been so lucky to have a LOVING WAITRESS AT THE LOUNGE like you around stardew for SIX MONTHS, even if you can be DRAMATIC too. hopefully, nobody finds out about REDACTED, huh? i’ll see you later! ( p, 21, pst )

* ☆ — ( LEE TAEYONG, CISMALE, HE/HIM ) good to see you again, ORION KANG! have you been busy prepping for this season’s festivities? isn’t your favorite season WINTER? hey, remind me, aren’t you TWENTY THREE years old? that’s right… well, we’ve been so lucky to have a PASSIONATE MUSICIAN like you around stardew for TWO YEARS, even if you can be STUBBORN too. hopefully, nobody finds out about REDACTED, huh? i’ll see you later! ( peach, 23, est )

* ☆ — ( LYDIAKIM.DOC, CIS FEMALE, SHE/HER ) good to see you again, GENESIS LEE! have you been busy prepping for this season’s festivities? isn’t your favorite season AUTUMN? hey, remind me, aren’t you TWENTY TWO years old? that’s right… well, we’ve been so lucky to have a EASY GOING EMBALMER like you around stardew for TEN YEARS, even if you can be JUDGMENTAL too. hopefully, nobody finds out about REDACTED, huh? i’ll see you later! ( z, 22, cst )