#else you wont survive the winter [ threat ]

[espectres]

peachy thinks more ppl shld write ritsu and be as obsessed with him as she's with shou

[thechildofstark]

Fuck John Walker (and also some other stuff): A Response To Episode Four

WARNING: some bad language, death mentions, violence mentions, blood mentions, racism, spoilers for for ep 4 of tfatws 

DISCLAMER: I have some Opinions about various characters. These do not extend to the actors, who I’m sure are lovely and should be treated with the dignity, privacy and respect that they deserve. 

“Fuck John Walker” was originally meant to be the subtitle. I decided on it when he screwed up the op for Sam. It got ungraded during the final scene, because nothing else could possibly compare as a necessary title to this post. 

Essentially, some (out of order) thoughts on episode 4:

~*Sam and Bucky, working together*~ (pretend this is a musical jingle)

The contrasting ways that they interacted with the displaced

While the incredibly valid argument can be made that Sam is the least privileged of the group (I’ve made it) it is obvious that he has had the most structured civilian life: approaching the people he comes across openly. Yes, he is polite and calm, but the closest thing to this he has personally come across in the past (that we know of) would be the war vets he worked with and the critical difference is that they wanted to be there. From what I remember of Sam’s groups they didn’t seem to be a sort of mandatory requirement: you came because you chose to. Or at least, you came prepared for the situation. Here, Sam is an outsider and an unwelcome threat. These people are not going to open up to him. 

Bucky is quieter, but still quite straight forward in the way he presents himself. I think he may show a little more care for the environment he is in than Sam but that isn’t saying much. Yes, he has experienced much worse things than Sam but we still see his unfamiliarity with this sort of situation paired with some less than stellar social skills really not working in his favor. 

Look, I love both these 2 to death. But this is not what they know. 

Zemo on the other hand quite likely lived in a place similar to this after his family was murdered. He shows an understanding of how this sort of situation would work, going to children who:

a) wont necessarily peg him as an outsider

b) are bribable

also I think he was genuinely super glad to give those kids that candy and money. He would have been such a good dad. now I have Zemo feels. somebody help me.

The inclusion of the Dora Milaje was incredibly awesome, and not just because I simp for powerful women. Narratively, this was the perfect place for them to join the party and assert their right to apprehend Zemo. 

Bucky speaking Xhosa (i think it was?) is very cool

 I would like to take this moment to formally state that Caption John Walker is a motherfucking asshole. 

It was also really nice to see Sam’s therapist skills, that worked against him earlier really help him here. 

I liked seeing that more human side of Karli, and having her interact with the “enemy” and have serious conversation about what everyone is doing.

Until Captain Insecurity has to destroy the op because he doesn’t trust the people he chose to work with, no one has comms or anything I guess?

Also Walker deferring to Bucky for team decisions over Sam, talking over Sam and acting like he knows better than Sam?

I smell racism in this Chili’s tonight

It was also really interesting to get a more in-depth look at how Zemo views supersoldiers. Nearly all the ones that he has either heard of or interacted with (destroyed) had either volunteered for the serum or were so brainwashed that it didn’t make a difference. These people are a dangerous enemy to be eliminated, alongside people like Dr. Nagel. His entire worldview is focused on their destruction that the idea that one of them could be a normal person is impossible to him. The only exceptions acknowledged are Steve (paragon of saintly virtue) and Bucky. 

And the fact that after his family died and his country devastated he would most likely have fixated on both the Avengers and the “concept” of a superhuman being as something to blame for his loss. His refusal to concede his position to Sam isn’t just arrogance, although that seems to be a part of it, but the fact that he has spent so much time and energy in destroying both the Winter Soldier program and most likely other similar operations, along with the Avengers that this hatred and belief in the danger has most likely become one of his core beliefs. To change this would be to question his vendetta against the Avengers, to question his actions against the Winter Soldier program which he knows was a horrible thing, and to question why he has spent the past seven years in maximum security prison. This isn’t something he is ready to do yet.  

The fact that Bucky is a noted exception is something that stands out to me. Zemo knows that Bucky is a good person, regardless of the serum. 

Bucky is also the only main character (that I can think of) that was injected with the serum against his will. The fact that he didn’t seek it out could quite likely be part of the reason that Zemo doesn’t look down on him for it - it is framed that the sort of person that seeks out that sort of strength/power would be a “supremacist”, someone who would use their abilities to harm and subjugate others.

And while we are at the apartment may I say how funny it is to see Zemo just. Literally being Sam and Bucky’s sugar daddy. He transports them and houses them and makes them fancy tea. It’s possible he’s providing them with clothes. Either way, love it. Cannot wait for the boys to work it out.

Sam and Lemar’s responses to being offered the serum are an interesting juxtaposition to how they view the concept of supersoldiers. They have both experienced hardship and survived war but Sam is the one that has gone up against Gods and monsters and he wants none of that, thank you. 

And Lemar is so comfortable with saying yes because it isn’t actually being offered to him. Walker expresses some hesitation in their discussion because for him, it isn’t hypothetical. This is something real that can and will effect him for the rest of his life and he wants to make the “right decision”.

The return of Erskine’s belief that the serum not only effect the physical but the mental, emotional and (possibly?) spiritual. This isn’t something that’s really been touched on outside of The First Avenger and I liked that it turned up here. But the fact that it was the reason Walker felt comfortable taking the serum? Eww

The Dora Milaje kicking names and taking ass is super awesome. They are so incredibly skilled and have such amazing teamwork and are also super beautiful I love them 

Sam and Bucky just. Watching. Enjoying the show. Absolute kings. 

Zemo being the sneaky little sneak that he is :)

One one hand, Bucky losing his arm in the fight was very awesome. One the other hand, he has a long history of complicated bodily autonomy in relation to that arm so........  Neutral opinion it is then 

Karli, honey, I really want to like you but can you please keep the mans family out of it. Okay?

And another thing that this show made me think about: kids left to fend for themselves after the Blip (uuuurrrggh it hate calling it that. stupid canonical name). I think it’s good that at least some people took it on themselves to take these children in, to give them good lives and families.

The way that Sam has incorporated his wings into his combat style is very cool

Okie dokie can’t avoid it forever lets get this over with. 

LEMAR MY BEAUTIFUL SON NOOOO

those fuckers (the writers i mean)

Side note: did they really have to make the first main character death of the series a Black “sidekick” character? No. No they did not. 

Side side note: I understand that this is a perfectly valid way (ew) to “advance the plot” but I can and will be annoyed about it

And now we really get into the shit. But...........................

As much as I absolutely unequivocally hate John Walker I actually like the thematic parallels of how they did this. All throughout The First Avenger Steve is adamant on how he doesn’t want to hurt anyone, he just wants to stand up to the bullies. It’s only after Bucky dies that he says he wants to kill all the Nazis and really get into the horror of it all. The fact that John, who has absolutely been on the edge for the entire episode if not longer, only loses it after Lemar dies?

Because Lemar is arguably meant to be that stand-in for Bucky in the eyes of the public, and they are obviously close friends..........

Just - 

I feel I may have accidentally been slightly nicer than I planned to Walker in this post. I’m not sure how I feel about that. 

But C****** J*** W****** is NOT Captain America. Up until now I’ve been calling him “Fake Cap” in my head and to my family, but he doesn’t even deserve that honor. 

And the blood on the Shield. Dear god that was horrible. 

And the fact that, as it was pointed out in this very episode, this man fully represents everything that is Captain America, to the world. He isn’t only tarnishing his own legacy, he is also destroying Steve’s. And to some extent, Bucky’s. The whole reason that Bucky Barnes is considered a “Superhero” is because, at least in America he is known as “Cap’s Best Friend”. He was marketed that way for over half a century, and after the whole “Winter Solder” thing, goodwill or no, brainwashing or no, this could end very ugly for him. Not to mention that Steve Rogers is most likely to be forgotten to history in favor of this freak. 

And on that note, where the fuck is Steve? This is set only 6 months after Endgame, if he had died we would know. So what the hell is he doing? Because I know he got perpetual brainrot going back in time to be str8 and boring but dear god if the show tries to tell me that he’s just chilling in some senior’s center in Alaska I will actually call bullshit. Steve Rogers would never. Okay this is a whole separate post on my thought on Steve. Watch this space I guess. 

And while we’re all here, Bucky Barnes needs a goddamn boyfriend. I’ve done some thinking, and here is a compiled shortlist: 

Sam

Zemo

De-aged Steve (he would be higher but I’m still mad at him for the whole “vanishing without a word to relive Jim Crow and the Lavender Scare. :/ )

IN THAT ORDER. 

That’s all folks. 

Feel free to send me asks if you want clarification or extra details on anything. 

And finally - 

the thing we all came to see:

FUCK

JOHN 

WALKER

fin

[semi-imaginary-place]

In which I play maddening classic with only Byleth and Dimitri and liveblog on discord 1/15/20 - 2/2/20

because if I’ve got to see a character die repeatedly, countless times, it might as well be dimitri.  

So I'm on maddening and classic with only dimitri and I’m going to kill off every other character. I heard if they reach 0 hp in part 1 they stick around the monastery and you can talk to them they just aren’t a part of your class anymore. Give me your blessings.

I died on the prologue! ... i dont have a healer... Death count:2

I am definitely new game+ cheating this for professor level and skills. I was thinking magic focused but she can't be too squishy... Gremory would help that. Also why do all the magic classes have bad growths. Give me a moving fortress of magic!

Ashe went down, 7 to go. Ch3 turned into a survival horror... but i made it out

Ch 6 is hell. Any idea for how to kill every last one of them in 25 turns with only byleth? Or alternately get to and take down the death knight. Only byleth and dimitri run. And no dimitri this chapter, Byleth's a thief

My main problem in crowd control. If i had infinite turns then i could agro them 1 by one... Maybe I've built byleth wrong and just don't have the stats. Is the warp route faster? Haven't tried that yet. In hindsight this was a bad idea for my first maddening run. I'm so used to not using byleth much that this is very different. Damn archers...  Got done in by chip damage the first time...

I I dont know what happened... but I beat the death knight.... I was expecting to die becausr i accidentally opened the door so i skipped what actually happened.... Next thing I know game is telling me i got a dark seal What  Did I crit? With a silver sword? Im in shock I DONT EVRN I dont even know if it was a crit! But byleth is thief so lethality is out of the question Maybe I should go give a sacrifice to rng god

so I was in shock but yeah I used the warp route and avoided fighting most of the enemies.

So i'm now at the winter ball chapter and felix is still alive (i've decided to off one character every chapter so Miklan downed sylvain. oh and first time through ch5 i accidentally stepped into range of one of the center archers so every unit rushed me and i died) and i tried felix's paralogue and wowo its impossible. Rodrigue dies in 2 attacks, outruns my healing and likes to charge headfirst into the enemy. My record so far is 3 turns before he dies. Might give up since this is optional.

(i eventually finished the paralogue but gave up saving anyone else so i didn’t even get anything good out of it)

The ally A.I. is sooo bad. Jeralt. Dad. Please stop getting yourself killed

Almightly Father in Heaven preserve me. I'm making dimitri learn reason.  maybe his rationale will start making sense no more moon logic for you boy

Hey. Why wont the game let me make dimitri a dark bishop

I need dark mage certification first? Or is the internet lying to me

Well dimitri is at c+ reason but I'm tired of grinding.  

got dimitri from c+ to b+ in a battle. But the boredom makes me want to cry.  Also might have miscalculated.... Fighting an assassin in a forest.... i have 35% hit and no other weapon. They have like 18% hit....  When will i be free...

I made dimitri into a dark bishop and he beat lysithea in the magic tournament.  Also just the thought of dimitri in slithers is funny to me

wrath is how i survived the sothis paralogue. crit everything

chasing the empire around in the hold tomb with 2 units was actually kinda fun

I cant believe that worked... Final battle of part 1. I charge down the middle. And it works 4 turns for infanty to cross the field... and it worked ... Welp i somehow made it to part 2 intact. Endless waves of reinforcement here i come

(Oh yeah and rng is punishing me right now by giving terrible level ups)

For the bridge is it best to go straight for the commander?

bridge wasn’t too bad but I was convinced to spare dedue so i had to fend enemies off him like ants to a dropped ice cream cone. if dedue reaches 0 hp or you don’t do his paralogue he dies in fhirdiad and I’m trying to get everyone off my party but not dead, soooo he’s along for the ride

I'm stuck on am ch 14 ... how do I defend 4 spaces when I have 2 units... Those pegasus knights keep dodging too... Damn pegasus knights.... without them i could just hold a choke point with 1 unit. I have 4 gambit uses maximum... Another thought I had is to out fly their flyers so I can shift byleth over quickly. if I take out randolf in delusional prince the map doesn't end. It just stops reinforcements right? 

Soo I tried to kill randolf but my movement is too low. It takes 3 turns to reach him...

Yup this is possible. But because I can't do things the quick way. I'll have to do the long way of waiting out the right side and then heading for randolf with byleth all the while holding out with dimitri in the center and hoping rng favors me for lije 20 turns

ALRIGHT WhIcH oF yOuSe a LIAR Sooo .... killing randolph does not stop reinforcements nor does it get you a victory, the fire attack is the only way. Time to go guard another npc with a death wish. Also Gilbert is unkillable in AM

FEAR ME The only way to beat a pegasus knight to to out pegasus knight the pegasus knight Falcon knight bae-by! I am unstoppable I. Am absolute (I am never doing this again)

Finally got past that defend 4 spaces with 2 units and endless reinforcements

I've figured out how to level grind since same level enemies are giving like 7exp each

Alright. Taking suggestions, on how to keep hilda and judith alive in golden deers plea.  Alternately, how to kill arundel in 2 thurns without archers destroying me.  With only byleth and dimitrti.  Right now I'm thibking retribution-> byleth and gunning it. Suggestions for abilities/battalions? My current thought is vantage, alert stance+, renewal, wrath, pavaise, and evasion ring and bridgid hunters

Well i can get to arundel before hilda dies but not judith. I'm starting a campaign to save judith. Please pledge your support on the indiegogo page below

whew judith and hilda and both alive! Stride was a good idea. just make a run for arundel. Kinda sad i didn’t get the aurora shield but eh I got the stat increases at least. I also tried propping up judith with byleth healing them but tanking doesn’t exist in maddening so that didn’t work.

I've been skipping cutscenes because there’s no one else there but gilbert

Things I have learned this playthrough: how to grind skills, how to grind levels, how to save scum level ups. 

I’m actually getting a lot of dialogue I missed before just because Byleth and Dimitri are taking down every single enemy unit

At fort merceus, and i want the black pearl.  And i'd like to avoid lindhardt and caspar.  I'm thinking 1: fly over nab the pearl and kill death knight.  2: wait it out and eliminate every last unit ob the map.  What turn does death knight start running? Or is when you get to a specific part of the map?  Or am i thinking of an entirely different map...

New plan. Forget everything else and kill death knight

I have beaten the death knight. I have beaten the impregnable fortress. 44% crit rate.  But I didn't get the black pearl in the treasure chest and i want my item so... i might redo the battle

Got my pearl. for an idea what the battle is like each turn each of the 2 units needs to be on one specific tile for the best chance of survival, if they die i usually had to restart the battle or change something to get a reroll. and you do this for like 5 turns learning the combinations with a mix of guesswork and trial and error. you also need to move quickly because if 4 units surround you, you’ll be stuck until you’ve defeated every single enemy unit on the map or more likely you die.

Ok story time.  So I'm on ch 21 of AM now and aux battle no longer give me exp so my only way of leveling is healing (the exp curve is brutal). Even with the double use of bishop, i'm running down to the wire getting 1 level up/battle (plus the next battle where they gain stats for its more like 1 level/2 battles). I ran out of healing with like 500exp left to go so i restarted but by the end of the 20 heals and 10 recovers I had a different number and now I’m confused Reddit is telling me turn count? Affects exp gain?

Anyways I'm in enbarr.  One of the many wonderful things about playing with only dimitri and byleth is that you can't change their starting positions in battles

Wow i did that on my first try. O.o  Huh that actually worked... Good thing hubert is squishy. spared dorothea and petra too. huh.

I just had a realization... on the last map of AM. If I apply retribution to everyone... could I kill edelgard with that without having to cross the room? Hmmmm must try it out

Nope cant counter attack. Good thing enemy units on this map are acting defensively and only attack when you go into range.  If they swarmed me I'd be dead (again)

Once you reach a certain tile they do swam... i lasted like 4 turns... need to clear the room to stop reinforcements...

(its impossible to stop reinforcements with 2 units on maddening. once you get to the throne room a new wave comes each turn. but clearing the rooms before hand buys you time before you are overwhelmed). To give an idea of what’s going on aux battles are aprox 10 levels below my units. regular enemies are about the same level (so each is a threat and my 2 units can die on any turn) and bosses are usually a couple levels higher.

Hehehehe I am so powerful I have beaten maddening with only byleth and dimitri (Dedue came along for the ride too but was never deployed to battle)

The final AM wasn't as hard as some of the others (defending garreg mach) but boy is it long.  I think my final turn count was in the 50s.  Also the credit screen character battle  count maxes out at 999

I think I got dimitri and byleth up to like 70 base crit last playthrough. Plus wrath and defiant crit almost garunteed each hit was a crit.

nope it was more like base 120 crit

In the end for both dimitri and byleth I used rng based builts around avoid and critical hits (after i figured out what the hell i was mid way through part 1). dimitri went through the brawler line and then split time between war master and great lord. Byleth went up the thief line to assassin and then falcon knight. for both of them i also got most of the class skills.

considering this was my first maddening or classic run, I looked at 0 strategy guides (like an idiot) and had no idea what i was doing in the beginning, I’d say I did pretty well for myself.

oh and I was mistaken about something, if a unit reaches 0 hp in part one they die off screen during the timeskip (except gilbert to my despair) so there was no real point to sparing dedue. I really do hate gilbert, it seems no matter what you do you are stuck with him all of AM. there is no salvation. and this is why i skipped all the cutscenes this time around.

Dedue didn’t have much if any influence on the playthrough. Dedue was never deployed in any of the chapter battles but he did tag along as an adjunct (no weapon equipped) in aux battle sometimes because I felt bad for leaving him out all the time (that and dedue pops up later in battle on the map in part 2 and if he was still a level 1 commoner i would have 0 chance of beating the map since enemies rush him). so him leveling up was to negate the consequences of keeping him alive. If i had gotten him killed i wouldn’t have to worry about keeping him alive later. By the time I got to part 2 the skill gain from tutoring was negligible compared to the amount gained from grinding in battles, also both units were starting to max out on skills (S+) so choosing to explore the monastery gave little benefit. Interestingly, you can’t do a lot of the monastery activities if you only have 1 student (choir, dining, etc). So even after Dimitri stops loafing around, having dedue there for eating meals and stuff wouldn’t have helped and I’d choose battle anyways.

I now know more about how the game works than I ever wanted to... For example the calculations for any probability check (hit/miss, crit, level ups, pass/fail) are long done by the time you see them. so to reroll the dice so to speak you have to go back a certain amount of time (varies for each thing. Level up stats are determined before you enter the battle field so you have to reload a save on or before the preparations screen. Whether you pass/fail a certification is already determined by the time you reach as given calendar date, so you have to reload to before that day. If you divine pulse a 95% hit rate that your unit missed to right before any action is taken with that unit, they will still miss. With only 2 units you will probably have to rewind to the previous turn, but with a full party you need to go back at least a few units but I don’t know the exact number. More or less forcing the game to run at least one different probability calculation than your target will reset whatever result was determined for your target.

When you have an infinite number of iterations, even the most unlikely outcomes eventually come to pass.

This run was  60% luck, 35% perseverance,  4% "grinding", 1% skill, 100% pain

edit: 5/1/2020: looking back, i was a stubborn idiot (as usual) for refusing to look up strategies or other solo maddening runs that people had already done. i can definitively say omegarevolution dealt with the defend map far better than i did. i never even considered +20hit to deal with falcon knights

oh yeah and i don’t have dlc or the nintendo online subscription so i couldn’t use any of that.

[knightsdeath]

‘ i would travel across the world to be by your side, because as long as you are with me, anywhere is a perfect place to me. ’ ——— @gasbardian

peace settles uncertainly.

to call it peace is a BOLD FALSEHOOD in his opinion but ———— he is a man born and molded and crafted for war / to hold a blade in his hand and to fight with it until his last dying breath / and the fact that he lives STILL is nothing short of the miracle of his own skill / with no blessings here ———— the fighting, as it stands, is over in all official capacities. the war is won, and so on and so forth, and they had won it ; or something like that.

yet for all of the celebration and the weeping and the shouts of joy in that the war that has ravaged this land for five years is FINALLY, FINALLY COMPLETE / it settles over them all like snow falling too fast ; building up too thick ; the threat of suffocation.

or : that’s simply him. WARLIKE AS HE IS / CHOMPING AT THE BIT TO FIGHT AND FIGHT AND FIGHT AND : PROVE HIMSELF as if there’s anything left to prove. there’s something left to prove ———— there has to be / there has to be / there has to be / WHAT WORTH IS LEFT TO HIM OTHERWISE?

time has settled him into his skin somewhat and it’s no longer too loose in some places and too tight in others and there are ghosts that follow and shadows under his eyes but he is no longer HALF OF HIMSELF or less : he is himself and that proves to be ( … ) enough. or, close to that, besides. it’s strange, to know that you lived a partial existence for so long within the realm of your own body / but for all that he’s settled and for all that he’s realized and for all that he’s learned there is still the intrinsic heart of him : that beats for the thrill of a fight.

( funny, how he shirks knighthood and ideals of chivalry yet / this part they instilled in him to live to fight and to live to die / lives on within him : eternally. )

peace settles ———— hesitantly.

walking the halls of his alma mater had been strange upon their first arrival back and it’s become strange again to walk along these stone halls and consider, WITH A MEASURE OF CERTAINTY, THIS TIME : that he will never return with any sense of permanence / with any intent to live here once more. garreg mach had been something of a home during his time here and there’s no denying that ( he is not quite so dramatic nor paltry so as to think that it hadn’t served its purpose and taught him something ) and there are ties to this place that are, in a relative sense, impossible to untangle himself from.

and one of them appears : as if called or bidden or expecting him / at the end of this hall that he walks and his steps echo and their eyes meet and there is a smile on ashe’s face that curves at his mouth and brightens his eyes with something like : AFFECTION. how unthinkable, indeed.

they meet / and continue / their elbows brushing as they take a turn and then another and then they’re outside beneath the yearning light of the moon and all the stars that shift above them in their ETHEREAL DANCE and there are the stars / and there are the freckles on ashe’s face ; there is the moon / and there is the quiet that envelops them so softly.

there lies within him a ———— tenderness / like a bruise / like the brush of lips against his cheek / like a bleeding wound that smarts with the slightest of touches / a door thrown wide open into the UNFORGIVING DOWNPOUR OF A BLIZZARD and he, wintertide, stands within the storm / and he’s buried and buried and buried ———— until he’s not. until there are hands reaching for him and brushing the snow from him and pulling him from the depths and he struggles and struggles and which way is he struggling? towards? away from? both, at once? a foolish endeavor. a stupid endeavor. is he goes neither way then he is stagnant and simply allowing those warm calloused hands : to pull him from the earth.

and it’s a tenderness ———— caused by him? a blow to the chest? / for him? a self given wound in the name of something like LOVE?

the word doesn’t smart anymore. something like : growth of the self.

yet, he’s not quite so masochistic as all that, is he?

there is a comfort in their mutual silence and the understanding that they hold for each other at this point in time but there remains within him ———— not quite an anxiety inasmuch as it is simply a burgeoning thought that threatens to grow larger and larger and larger until it’s great enough to CONSUME HIM WHOLE and between peace and living still there is the natural question of : WHAT COMES NEXT? there are obvious answers, of course. and less obvious ones, over all.

their elbows brush / their shoulders brush / and perhaps that tenderness is in the shape of yearning. ❝ have you found a knight who will take you as a squire? ❞ there is, always, that faint note of derision when speaking of the KNIGHTHOOD / but it holds no heat behind it here beneath these stars and this moon and with this man as their hands brush and don’t catch.

there is a pause before ashe speaks, a strange inflection in his voice that inherently raises suspicion in him, ❝ not yet, ❞ his gaze slants and ashe appears fixated with the STARS ABOVE THEM and : yes, suspicion.

❝ surely one will take you. ❞

❝ well, that’s not really the problem… ❞

❝ stop skirting around what you’re trying to say, ❞ rather DEMANDING / and perhaps unfairly so / but at the very least it causes ashe to look at him and their eyes to meet once more and they pause in their stroll / and the sounds of celebration filter distantly to them, the unwitting third party to their entire courtship, if it can even be referred to as such.

moments pass, in a slow crawl as the stars above them shift and turn to bear witness and the moon yawns, as if uncaring. ❝ i wanted ———— to squire for you, ❞ there is a light trepidation in his voice as he states, plainly, what it is that he WANTS and it’s less that it takes him him to register the request and far more that it SURPRISES HIM in such a way that ashe ———— doesn’t, anymore. not since he had, in a tizzy, kissed him so fully and then : RAN AWAY FROM HIM.

( the memory is as exasperating as it is amusing to recall, really. )

❝ i’m no knight, ❞ and his tone is harsher than it should be when speaking to ashe but there is a tenderness in him and IT’S TENDER LIKE A BRUISE / as if a blow to the chest had been delivered by this hands that he knows so well / and ashe’s face shifts in immediate reaction to the scowl that begins to take its place on his face : ugly.

❝ i know !! ❞ there is a certain level of patience that must be had when dealing with a man like FELIX and it’s rather ridiculous when put that way, isn’t it? incredibly so. ashe, whether through exposure or simply because he is who he is ( both are likely answers ), sounds neither placating nor chastising and simply sounds firm / as if he’s settled into his skin, too / and the moon casts its light over him as if in want to be with him. ❝ but i could learn under you as well as any knight. ❞

❝ i won’t be anywhere near gaspard, ❞ it had been a half consideration dwelling in the back of his mind : that GASPARD and FRALDARIUS were on opposite sides of faerghus / near as far as they could be from each other while remaining in the boarders of this damn country. not that he was certain on any level that ashe wished to return there but ———— he had considered it. vaguely. distantly. not quite directly.

❝ that doesn’t matter to me. ❞

❝ why? ❞ twenty-three summers and still he’s diminished to demanding why in such a juvenile manner. impressive, truly.

❝ because ———— because i would travel across the world to be by your side, ❞ the words come out like a torrential downpour that threatens to melt away the eternal snow that dwells within felix’s chest and again and again and AGAIN he finds himself taken aback by this man and his gall and his guilelessness. ❝ because ———— as long as you’re with me, anywhere is a perfect place to be. because i want to be with you !! ❞

ashe’s face is red. felix thinks that his face is turning red as it’s wont to do and they stare at each other for several long moments before his gaze cuts away and he finds himself : OVERWHELMED BY THIS MAN. it’s quiet / and the sounds of merriment still echo their way to them / and he can feel his heart : racing.

there lies within him a ———— tenderness that took root in the eternal winter that descended upon him so flawlessly and it hurt / it hurt / it hurts : the stretching of it and the growing of it and the blossoming of it and against all odds and all probability THE SURVIVING AND FLOURISHING OF IT / he carries it within him. always. in spite of how he tried to bury it / how he tried to uproot it / how he tried to rid himself of it : it persisted. how cruel. how cruel. how cruel, indeed.

❝ felix ———— ❞

❝ i’m yours, ❞ he speaks FORCEFULLY, eyes turning back and up and up and the fact that ashe is taller than him, now, is both an irritant ( or it was one when he first realized ) and something else for all that there are mere inches that separate them and he’s : consumed. by this tenderness / for this man. ❝ in any way you want me. ❞ it’s ( … ) far more embarrassing than he would like to admit but the words are as honest as can be for all that they are yanked from the gently bleeding core of him / alongside that need to fight and that need to battle and that need to LIVE TO DIE / but perhaps that, too, can be unlearned.

perhaps he has already begun to unlearn it : gradually.

those green, green eyes go wide and soft and they’ve both turned red in this moonlight and it’s SO FUCKING STUPID that felix almost wants to take it back for all that he knows he can’t and doesn’t wish to do that whatsoever and the smile that splits across ashe’s face is like the coming dawn / the stars shining down on them / the first gust of AUTUMNAL WIND after a long and slogging summer.

this is a PAINFUL TENDERNESS and a YEARNING DEVOTION and, perhaps above all else, A TOILING LOVE THAT THEY HAVE NURTURED SO VERY CAREFULLY and it hurts / it hurts / it hurts : looking at him, and wanting. ashe’s moves as if to speak and felix reaches for him / knots his hand into his tunic / and pulls him close : slotting their mouths together with far more care and gentility than a great deal of unknowing souls would think him capable of.

it’s a closed mouth kiss so sweet that it coats his tongue / as ashe’s hands frame his face so very gently / and his head tips back as the clench of his fingers release the fabric and slide to his waist / and his mouth parts.

and the moon : sighs, gently / and the stars : yearn, quietly.

( it sounds like : i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you, i love you. )

[darkangeldesignstudio]

Mother’s Day

Sorry this chapter was posted a bit late today, but its been crazy around here and I feel like crap today lol. But, I promised a chapter every other day and here it is. Chapter 4 is here. Only one left to go. Love yall and thanks for all of the love and support I’ve been receiving since I started posting this story.

Negan x Reader

Honestly, writing this story was hard. The angst was real and the PTSD was not fun to deal with, but I feel like sharing this story with you all has made me stronger in the long run and I hope you all enjoy it. Remember, if you are ever going through something like this or know someone who is, talk about it, ask for help and know in your heart that, no matter what happens. YOU ARE STRONG!!

Summary: When the world ended, you used it to escape a living hell. Later, found yourself a place to call home in Alexandria. You  and your two children were welcomed into the community and you soon found a friend in the reformed soul of a prisoner named, Negan. Your relationship grows steadily over time and he becomes an irreplaceable part of your family, but when a nightmare from the past rears its ugly head, will your love be enough to keep you alive?

Warnings: Negan’s foul language (as usual), implied smut, talks of mental and physical abuse towards children and women, threats of sexual assault, violence, and death.

Chapter 4

By the time winter came and left, you were all thankful for what the community fair had brought in the fall. Winter had been extremely hard that year. Snow covered the ground on multiple occasions, knocking out power and forcing everyone to gather in the only three houses that had fireplaces. The kids kept up high spirits, having fun despite the cramped space and grumpy adults. Snowball fights were abundant on sunnier days and by the time spring appeared, you all had gotten used to the close quarters. Even Negan came out of the ordeal with a few friends.

With spring, came another special day organized by the communities. Mother's Day was just around the corner and the council had decided to make a spectacle of the date. It was almost impossible to be sure of the exact date for Mother's Day, but everyone was excited to celebrate anyway.

All of the kids would be participating in crafts, making gifts for their mothers and grandmothers and even their sisters and friends. It would be a great day for the women of the communities. Love was abound and everyone was happy.

When the day came, your ex was the farthest thing from your mind and even if he hadn't been, there was no reason to suspect that he would come anywhere near Alexandria. Unfortunately, he showed his face about halfway through the festivities. He was with a woman that you didn't know, chatting with her as if he didn't even care that you were there, but that thought went right out of your head when he turned to you and gave a menacing grin. You immediately knew something was off.

Hurrying back towards the crowd, you spied Negan and the children huddled together and, by the way they were whispering, there was no doubt that they were planning your gift. Determined not to ruin their fun, you went in search of someone working as security for the festival.

As you skirted the crowd, nobody was the wiser when the gun was pressed to the small of your back. “[Y/N], its so nice to see you again.”

You fought the urge to shiver in disgust as his breath caressed your ear. “What do you want, Bryan?”

His chuckle sent fear shooting up your spine. “I just wanted to see my best girl and my boys. I was devastated when I couldn't find you. Followed your family all the way to Virginia before I realized you weren't with them.”

His hand slid up your forearm in a lovers caress before clamping down hard on your elbow. “Start walking, don't fight me or I'll take the boys back to Hilltop with me.”

Anger coursed your body, but you only nodded, feigning submission. He forced you to lead the way into a secluded area away from the rest of the crowd, stopping when you were seemingly far enough to be unseen by the guards around the wall.

He released your arm and you turned to face him, backing away a few paces. He lowered his gun, but didn't holster it and you knew you would only get one chance to escape with your life. You had to keep him talking, distract him until Negan or the guards came to find you.

Taking a steadying breath you lifted your chin, channeling your inner bad ass “What the fuck do you want? You never, really, gave a damn about me or the boys. This is just a new form of entertainment for your fucked up mind, isn't it?”

Honestly, it was probably a bad idea to curse the way you did, but Negan's brash ways had rubbed off on you and the angrier you got, the more confident you felt in the face of the danger this man posed. There was a risk that angering him would put you in more danger, but if Bryan was the same man you remembered him to be, your defiance would just encourage him to talk more. He would try to break your spirit down before hurting you physically.

Your gamble paid off. He laughed in your face and his face grew darker, more menacing. “Oh, the little whore wants to get some balls now? Guess its been too long since someone put you in your place.”

You didn't back down, you couldn't. Any weakness you showed would mean death for your family. “Like you used to? With your hateful words and your threats? You think, after everything I survived, everything I've been through, that I would be scared of a fucked up piece of shit like you?!”

His face was growing darker with every word you spoke, but you ignored the anger in his stare and stepped closer to him pointing at him as if you held your own gun. “I survived walker hoards, bands of villains that were bigger than you, smarter than you, I survived them all and I came through it stronger! I will NEVER fear you or anyone else! I found a home here and people that love me and MY children and I will be DAMNED if I will let you ruin this for me! So, Bryan, the best thing you can do right now is to take that little gun of yours, shove it up your cowardly ass and go fuck yourself!”

The last words you spoke were punctuated with your finger poking Bryan's chest until you finally shoved him bodily away from you. His surprise was so great, he stumbled a bit before regaining his balance. He was looking towards the ground as if he couldn't face you, then you heard it.

Bryan's laugh started quietly, his shoulders were the only thing to betray him as it grew to a higher volume. It was wicked, maniacal, like nothing you had ever heard before and you knew you had pushed him too far.

He took a deep breath before looking up at your fear filled eyes. “FUCKING BITCH!! I'LL KILL YOU!!”

His fist was flying before you even got the chance to move away. The butt of his pistol connected with your arm, blocking him just in time to avoid hitting your face. The blow was still hard enough to send you sprawling on the ground, a scream was pulled from your throat as the skin on your legs tore open on the ground.

You looked up just in time for him to grab the collar of your shirt and pull you up. His next blow connected with your gut, knocking the wind out of you as he laughed and taunted you. “Nobody's coming to help you bitch.”

Another blow connected with your right shoulder, separating it from the socket. Your scream was cut short by his hand over your mouth. “After I'm done with you, I'll go take my anger out on those two little weakling brats and then I'll have my way with that pretty little thing that follows them around.”

Anger and disgust churned in your gut, his depravity knew no bounds. Nobody was safe if this prick was allowed to live. You bit down on his palm and saw red at the first taste of his blood. His scream filled you with glee as you spit his blood onto the ground.

Unfortunately, you knew that you wouldn't be worth much in a fight with your dominant arm separated from its socket and tried to think of a way to get out of this mess safely.

Fortunately, Bryan must have assumed the same and holstered his gun. He always found more joy in using his fists than a weapon and this time it would be his downfall.

You got into a fighting stance, hoping and praying that your plan would work until your screams brought someone to you. But, just to make sure, you screamed once more, the fiercest battle cry you could muster, before charging Bryan's direction.

He was bigger than you, stronger than you, but you were faster and he didn't have training like you did. You were able to dodge and evade most of his blows. The few that connected were blocked or only grazed you. His power did him no good if he couldn't connect with you fully.

It felt like hours, the pain in your arm was draining what little bit of energy you had left. You were slowing down. So, when you heard the footsteps, you were relieved. Someone was coming, you just hoped it wasn't Negan, but fate was a cruel mistress that day.

Negan's voice caused you to stiffen in fear for a whole other reason. “[Y/N], what the fuck's going on!”

You turned to face him, wincing at the pain in your shoulder. You had no idea how bad you looked, but you could guess from the look of pure rage that filled his face. Walking slowly towards him, trying hard not to cry out at the pain in your body, you collapsed in his arms.

Negan's voice was filled with fear, fear for you. “Baby, why is he here? Why didn't you come get me?”

Mustering the last bit of strength you had, you straightened your spine, balancing on your own two feet again. “He had a gun, threatened the boys and Judith if I didn't cooperate.”

Those words were enough, Negan helped you to sit on the curb, never taking his eyes off of Bryan. His voice was hard, brokering no argument when he spoke. “Sit here, this wont take long.”

Looking up at him, you felt the most fear you had ever felt. “Please, Negan, be careful. He has a gun.”

Negan's smile was cocky as he looked towards his opponent. “Don't worry doll, this fucker couldn't kill me if he had twenty guns.”

Rolling your eyes heavenward, you caught the small smirk cross Negan's features and smiled back. If there was ever a time not to joke, it was definitely in that moment, but that never seemed to matter to this man and that made you love him all the more.

As Negan walked nonchalantly towards your ex you smiled wickedly. “Hey Negan?”

He looked over his shoulder at you, brow cocked in inquiry.

“Kick his fucking ass so we can go home.”

Negan laughed as he walked on, it seemed he was going to test his wit before he started talking with his fists. “Bloodthirsty little thing, isn't she? Why the hell would you ever let that go, man?”

Bryan only sneered. “Bitch needs to know her place.”

Negan's voice was an octave lower when he stopped, only feet away from Bryan. “She has a place, beside me as the confident and bad ass woman that she is. By the looks of it, she gave you a run for your money, just like I taught her.”

Taking offense, you yelled at Negan's smug smile. “Michonne taught me most of that, you ass. I only used you for practice.”

His shoulders shook as he laughed, whether it was at your reply or Bryan's angry face you didn't know. “Told you she was feisty”

Bryan, turning his attention back to Negan, didn't notice as Michonne and the other leaders joined you. Michonne gestured for you to keep quiet. Apparently there was a plan in place that you weren't privy to. Bryan's voice pulled you back to the problem at hand. “I don't know who the hell you are to that whore and I don't give a shit, she was keeping me from seeing my children.”

Negan stepped a fraction closer to Bryan, forcing him to focus on only him and their conversation. “You mean the kids you beat and tortured every damn day of their lives? The way I see it, they are better off thinking you are dead. You get one chance to walk away before I decide to make that thought into a fucking reality. Then, they will finally be able to live in peace.”

Bryan laughed, throwing his head back and covering his eyes as if he couldn't bear to look at Negan's face. Taking the opportunity, Negan stepped a bit closer and tried to get him talking again. “I don't see anything funny about this fucked up situation. Are you really that sick in the head?”

When Bryan looked back at Negan, you could see the madness in his eyes. “I get it, your that little bitch's dad or something. What was her name, Judith? I'll make you a deal, give me the bitch and those two brat sons of mine and I wont hurt your sweet girl. [Y/N] is a small price to pay to keep your kids safe right? What do ya say?”

You saw the minute shift in Negan's posture just before his fist flew into Bryan's face. “I think I'll just save us all some trouble and fucking KILL YOU!!”

The volume at which Negan yelled was enough to get Michonne and the others to come out of hiding. You all watched as Bryan was driven to the ground again and again. His screams of agony as bones broke was like a symphony as he finally got what he deserved a million times over. You never thought of yourself as someone who liked violence, but this was one of the best things you ever could have witnessed.

Only, it was over much too soon. Bryan lay collapsed on the ground as Negan stood over him. He wasn't dead, you could tell he was breathing and you didn't know whether to feel relieved or angry that Negan hadn't bashed the jackass's skull in.

Turning back to you and the small crowd of leaders at your back, Negan wiped the blood from his hands and walked back towards you all slowly. The look on Michonne's face spoke volumes, she was just as mad as you and Negan. The threat to her daughter had, apparently reached her ears along with everyone else's. All of their faces were hard, ready for another confrontation that, from the looks of your ex's broken form, wasn't coming soon.

Moving slowly away from the group, you met Negan halfway. He touched you softly, trying not to jostle your injured shoulder. “Told you I'd win.”

Rolling your eyes at the cocky grin, firmly plastered to his face at this point, you barely caught the movement from Bryan as he raised his gun, aiming at Negan's back.

Moving with a speed you didn't know you possessed, you pulled Negan's gun from his waistband. Shooting left handed was not something you did often, but at this point you were running on instinct. You snaked your way around Negan's back, shielding him with your body as you took aim and pulled the trigger.

Pain shot through your left hand and the gun fell to the ground. Landing on your knees, you screamed in agony when your right arm flopped limply at your side, but you had hit your mark. Bryan lay dead on the ground, the bullet finding a new home in his head. He never got a shot off.

“[Y/N], what the fuck!?”

Looking up at Negan as he crouched in front of you, you winced at the pain as you shook your right hand at him, smiling the whole time. “What the hell did you put in that gun? Fucking buckshot?”

Negan looked as if he wanted to yell at you, but appeared to think better of it with the sorry state you were in. Anyway, who could really complain when their woman just saved their ass. So, he took a page out of your book and rolled his eyes, sighing in exasperation. “Should have fucking done that begin with.”

Taking a breath suddenly became hard as darkness began to overtake your vision. “Yeah, you really...should...have.”

The last thing you saw was Negan's face as he jumped to catch you, calling your name as you passed out.

[unstable-reality]

And What if I Should Live

Hello @couriersixs -- I’m your Secret Santa, and this is your fic! :) :) I hope you like it!

The prompt was: “i love hurt/comfort with one of them taking care of the other.”

Winter has blown in with a vengeance here, so I’ve been thinking snow-thoughts, and that made me decide to go with Hoth-related hurt. Jyn’s tending to Cassian, and fretting over the notion of survival -- but in the end...who’s really comforting whom? ;)

[AO3]

The hatch popped open, puffs of steam rolling along its bottom edge. Snow slid over it and plopped to the ground. The drifts here were high; they rose over the tops of Jyn’s boots, climbed up her legs, clawed at her, sucked her toward the ground. She pushed against them. The heat from the ship rushed outwards and struck her like a wall. Beside her, beneath her arm, Cassian gasped and gulped and, for a moment, slumped more heavily against her. She tightened her grip on him.

It felt like before, in so many ways, despite the scenery, despite the weather. It had been hot and balmy, back then. Her ankle and knee and shoulder and, hell, every muscle in her body had been screaming, as she’d propped him up, as he’d faltered. As she’d held him for the first time, and felt quite certain it would be the last. Water and dust and resignation.

After, when they’d been picked up and flown away, there had come a terrible panic. What if he doesn’t make it? What if it’s this, all over? Finding someone, surviving him.

Alone. Again.

They hobbled aboard the ship. It was different now, for a host of reasons, least of all that they’d built a fair amount of shared history. She dragged him to a bench, not far from the ship’s rear, and he collapsed onto it, his head knocking against the wall. He was shivering violently.

K-2’s head curled around the edge of his chair. There was nothing remarkable about his expression; there couldn’t be. But his eyes moved more than usual, back and forth, back and forth. “Have you stabilized his temperature?”

She gritted her teeth. “We only just got here.”

“If he’s not stabilized immediately, then his odds of survival are…”

“K.” What an awful word, survival. What an awful, hateful, crushing word. “Just...fly us back to base. Please.”

He hesitated. His eyes moved again. They focused on Cassian, telescoped. “Listen to her, K.” The words slurred and ran together.

The engine hummed. The ship lifted, lurched. Jyn tore off her gloves, her coat. She hadn’t gotten caught in the snowslide, but her outer layers were still damp, and she’d be no help to either of them if she kept them on. She watched him reach up to the side of his parka. The tremors in his hands made them useless; his fingers slid over the clasps, gripped, released, bounced away. She felt a pang of fear.

“Let me.”

His arms dropped. Her hands were shaking, too -- she was surprised by how much -- but she slid the parka down and off of him, tossed it aside; knelt before him, tugged off his boots. Did they have blankets? She thought back, rifled through their inventory: yes. Yes, of course they did. And there were heat packs in the medkit. Would it be too early to use them? Maybe not, if she arranged them over the blankets. A barrier, between them and him.

She pulled his shirts from his trousers. His skin was cold and pale, underneath. His breaths were shallow. The fear swelled.

“I want to make it clear that I ordinarily do not approve of you doing this while I’m present,” K-2 called, “but you should remove his clothing.”

Jyn squeezed her eyes shut, opened them again. “Already on it.”

There was a pause. “Just so we’re clear.”

“Yes.” It had only happened once. They were discreet, otherwise. “We are.”

He’s worried, she told herself. He had cause to be.

It had caught them off guard. The day was clear, and their recon had been going fine, uneventful, and then the ground had rumbled. She’d been up ahead of him, by only a handful of meters, but that had been enough -- enough for him to be bowled over, and for her to have to watch, helpless. His name had been torn from her throat, harsh and hoarse. She’d fallen flat on her face, trying to get to him.

This is why.

It had taken her months to act, post-Scarif, because they were at war, and it was a war that had already nearly claimed him, and she didn’t want that pain again. Force, if she had to have it now…

The blankets were in her arms. There was a thermos in her fist, its heating coils activated, and a medkit hanging from her thumb. He was down to his under shorts. Curled in on himself. He met her gaze. His lips curved upwards. “We did it.” He sounded so tired. “Didn’t we, Jyn? The message…”

It was hard to breathe. Her legs felt weak. That was almost three years ago, she didn’t say. She piled the blankets on top of him, folded them around him. Placed the thermos on a ledge behind him. Bent and shook the heat packs. Her thoughts drifted. Her memories collided with the present.

She’d held him, still, as they’d fled the Death Star’s destruction. Held him so that he wouldn’t be jolted by the jump to lightspeed. Held him because he was shaking and gasping. Accepted something from someone and pressed it to his lips and told him to drink (it’s sugary. It’ll restore the blood). Touched his face, when he’d touched hers, and stayed with him, her heart so heavy she’d felt it in her legs. When he’d been taken from her, when they’d been separated by the simple fact of them having different medical needs, it had felt like the dissolution of purpose.

She’d spent time trying to figure out what had happened to the plans, because why wouldn’t she, and she’d spent time being angry that no one would tell her. And every second she hadn’t spent doing either of those things had been spent trying to convince someone to let her see him.

Her shirts were dry, but her pants were not, so she discarded them. She straddled the bench and nudged him into changing his position. The bench was in an alcove, and she leaned back against the partial wall that formed its end, wrapping her arms around him, pulling him close. One of the heat packs slipped; she caught it and moved it back up, settling it against his chest, with the others. He was so cold.

There had been so much snow. It had taken her so long. She should have been faster. It wouldn’t have been so bad, if she had been faster.

All over again.

She brought her hands to his arms, under the blankets, and pressed her fingers into his flesh, starting at his biceps, working her way down. Moving back up again. Pausing, before she did so, to check his pulse. Low, lower than it should have been, but not in dangerous territory, not yet. His head was nestled between her shoulder and neck. He pressed it against her. She could smell his hair, through the blanket she’d draped over his head. The scent was a cross between ice and shampoo.

It was a wonder he hadn’t broken something. Then again, maybe he had, and she’d missed it, and the shock had kept him from noticing.

She reached for the thermos. She tested the water; it wasn’t hot, not yet, but it was warm, a decent handful of degrees above tepid. It would do. She deactivated the coil and shifted again, cupping his chin with one hand, profferring the drink with the other. He sputtered. Her hand grabbed at a blanket, lifted, dabbed.

She thought of Chirrut. Chest heaving, breaths labored. Back to the ship’s wall. Baze hovering. It had been him, hadn’t it? He’d been the one to pass the drink.

“I am one with the Force…”

Cassian, Cassian.

He gulped, and opened his mouth, wide. Breathed erratically. Tilted his head forward and gulped again. She clutched at him, holding him fast while he drank. Purpose, purpose. Her mind raced -- half-realized ideas, memories; the image and concept of an anchor. Her nose struck the top of his head.

“Do you remember Aquilae?” she asked.

They had gone there a year after the Battle of Yavin, after the irony of having to go on the run; and only five months after they’d had a conversation, crackling with tension, in a side chamber, on the bright sterile expanse of Home One. After she’d gotten reckless, as she was wont to do, and kissed him. It had still felt new, between them. Breathless. “Your contact was held up, and we stayed at that inn in Gordon, in the packing district.” Nondescript, out of the way. Dirt cheap.

Silence, apart from the ambient. She worried, for a moment, that he didn’t remember, that it had all been blacked out by the hypothermic confusion. That it was worse than she thought. But then, he breathed in, and released an amused sigh. “I do.” There was still a slur to his voice. “Sand came in through the cracks in the wall, every time the wind blew.”

“Our blasters were clogged to hell.”

“Mm.” He took another gulp, and then another. He knew, about his state. There wasn’t any way he wouldn’t, even if all else had vanished. “And that man, in the room next to ours…”

She almost smiled. “Should’ve complained.”

“Would’ve drawn attention.” He shook his head. The movement was jerky. “What was it he was doing, again?”

“Never found out.” Probably for the best that they hadn’t.

Cassian shifted, and she shifted with him. Her leg was pushed to the edge of the bench. She let it drop, pressing the ball of her foot into the floor, its texture palpable even through her thermal sock. “There was…” The words got stuck on the way up. The two of them had spent an entire day, and then some, waiting and finding ways to pass the time. “For a little while, it felt like…” Like they were normal. Like there was no Empire; like they were there, together, for its own sake. Not as operatives, or as soldiers, or as rebels, beholden to cause and lost to war, but as something more akin to proper lovers. They had talked, laughed; pulled the sheets high, to ward against the sand, and wrapped themselves around one another, digging in to each other’s skin. For a handful of hours, she had almost forgotten the looming threat of survivorship.

He touched her bare thigh. His hand was cold, jittery. “Jyn.”

“Yeah?”

“Why are we talking about this?”

She wasn’t entirely sure, if she was being honest. It had just popped in there. “Eh, you know. Thought it might help.”

“Which one of us?”

She sighed. “Of course you’d go and say that.” Seeing right through her, even now. Catching on to her own shit, heartbeats before she did herself. Her chest ached. Her voice dropped, and into his hair, she breathed, “both of us.”

He took another gulp and emptied the thermos. It slipped from Jyn’s fingers, clattered against the durasteel. She wrapped her arms around him again -- over the blankets, this time. Some of the cold from his body had leached into her thighs, and she shivered, and clutched him more tightly to her. Her mind walked back through the day, through the event. Through the moment, right before, when her flesh had vibrated. When her brow had furrowed and her mind had grappled for an explanation.

She should have been faster.

It was always this way. There were always things that she could have, should have done. Loss was a constant, and there was a reason for that. He had given her an excuse to think differently. So many times, over the years. But here he was, now, bundled up against her, in dire straits. Again.

Force, she couldn’t take it. She was fairly certain she’d shatter, if he was gone.

“K,” she called. “How long until we’re on base?”

“We’ll arrive in approximately nine minutes.”

Not so long.

“Would you like to know the seconds?” he said.

“That won’t be necessary.”

A beat. “Cassian would want to know.”

Cassian’s body shook. He turned his head. “No, I wouldn’t.”

A much longer beat. Jyn thought she heard something, like servos rotating, or metal fingers tapping.

“Well, pardon me for valuing precision.”

Cassian pushed himself up. The side of his head connected with her cheek, and he sagged, and exhaled. Through the blankets, he grabbed her wrist. His body’s tremors flowed upward and outward and passed into her arm.

He said her name again.

“Hmm?”

“It’s going to be alright. You know that, don’t you?” He squeezed her wrist. “It’s going to be alright.”

The engine’s hum was a long, low note. The ship banked, and the Gs were light, compared to what they could be, but they tugged at her, nonetheless. There were no windows nearby; she couldn’t see outside. But she could picture it. Endless plains of ice and snow, broken by the occasional ridge or range, the sort of unforgiving, sky-reaching range that could take a bright, burning locus of hope and bury it in pounds of powder. It was a world bursting with strategic potential. She had learned, over the course of her life, that strategic potential was double-edged.

It was fewer than those nine minutes, now. It was possible to believe him. It was impossible not to hope.

She dipped her head and pressed her lips to his temple. “I know,” she said, choosing, over every screaming voice, to trust him.

[lightoftheveilfire]

Happy holidays @wardenkader from your Secret Santa! I had so much fun writing this for @santa-age‘s Secret Santa exchange. I hope I did Annais Hawke justice, and portrayed her relationship with Sebastian well!

Sera stood outside of the War Room and kicked a small stone that had come loose from the wall. She was feeling left out, it had been her intel after all. Why was she excluded but Varric was invited with open arms? Had she been imagining everything? Was Inky pulling her leg? Getting ready to leave her?

The door swung open and Little Lady Prissypants stuck her stupid smiley face through the door. Was this it, were they going to tell her they didn't need her? That her information was worthless? This was it, she was getting kicked out of the Inquisition.

"Sera, would you mind joining us for a moment?" She asked motioning inside. Inky was standing with her arms folded, so serious, always so serious in here. General Uptight looked angry as per usual.

"I'm sorry Varric but we just can't spare the man power right now, it's out of the question." He said.

Varric disregarded Cullen and turned toward Inky, her beautiful Inky who hadn't smiled once since she walked into the room. Something was wrong.

"Common Inquisitor, we can't just abandon her! She's to important!" 

"To important to the cause or to important to you?" Cullen responded sharply. That was harsh, even by Sera's standards.

"Enough." Inky said, finally turning to look at Sera "I need to know how confident you are in this information."

"Look I told you what I know. Some guy in Kirkwall overheard something and that's it. Dunno what more you want."

Inky groaned as Cullen shot her an incredulous look, he wasn't a fan it seemed. "My ravens wont be able to get through in time Inquisitor, we have to think of something else." Leliana cut in.

"Varric..." Inky said giving the dwarf a pained look.

Before she could respond he cut her off, "Look Inquistor she risked so much to help us and now we're just going to turn our backs on her? I thought the Inquisition was better than that."

"That's not fair! We don't have the resources to spare. You know how dangerous the red lyrium is and we just found the biggest source around. We can't wait." She responded sharply.

"Wait? Is the problem the storm? I can get to Kirkwall and back in a jiff if you need." Sera said, finally understanding why her Inky seemed upset. A winter storm was going to be rolling in from the south and heading north any time now. They were about to try and take Emprise du Lion and so they wouldn't be able to sacrifice any people, and Leliana's ravens would not survive the storm. Unless someone quick with connections left immediately Viscount Annais Hawke wouldn't get word of the plot on her life in time to stop it. 

"Are you sure?" Inky asked softly, "I can't ask you to put yourself in danger like that."

"You don't have to dumb dumb, I know what I'm doing." She was worried, Inky was worried about her Sera.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sera couldn't help but groan as she thought back to that conversation in the War Room. Had she really known what she was doing? In Hindsight, crossing the Waking Sea in the middle of a winter storm seemed like a huge mistake. She had been just trying to impress Inky, show her that she can do something right. Instead she was just going to freeze to death on this damned boat.

That was until land was sighted. It had been three days with the wind whipping around her, the salt-water cutting through her clothing. The captain kept saying that they would make it but Sera was certain she would die there and never see Inky again.

She bounced down the plank on to land practically jumping for joy when she hit the snow-covered ground. She didn't care about the dirty looks she was getting as she threw herself down to make a snow angel. 

The winter storm that Commander Uptight had been so so worried about for his men had clearly caught up to her, and look, she was still alive. Clearly more talented than his dumb tin cans.

Varric had told her how to find the Viscount's keep so she decided it would be faster to find Hawke and warn her than it would be to find to the Red Jenny in Kirkwall, so off she went to Hightown, hopefully it would be half as fun as in Varric's dumb books. ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- "What do you mean I'm not allowed in you giant ass?" She said, about to attack the guard at the gate who was preventing her from entering the Viscounts keep.

"As I said, they are preparing for the Satinalia festival so no one is allowed in. He responded, not budging for the angry woman.

"I am with the Inquisition and I have an important -" She said.

He just shook his head holding in a laugh, "look I'm sure if the Inquisition had anything of importance to say, they would have sent someone... else."

"Why you arrogant shite!" She said reaching for her bow, ready to make him regret the moment he decided to underestimate her.

" 'Scuse me Ser," a voice with a weird accent said behind her, "What is it exactly do you needed to do?" 

She rounded on him, her hands falling from her bow. Hopefully he would see reason, "I have a message for Viscount Hawke from the Inquisition, and I need to tell her now yeah!"

He looked at past her at the guard "Let her go, I'll handle it."

"Oh you'll handle this alright arsehole." She growled as she followed him inside sticking her tongue out at the guard for good measure.

He pulled her back into an empty office before standing behind a large desk and gesturing for her to sit in the chair. Sera wasn't sure who this twat thought he was but she wouldn't sit if he wasn't. 

When it became evident that they would both be standing, each with one keeping a hand near their bow, he spoke "So, what is this important message."

She studied him closely, dark hair pushed back behind his ears, average height, nice clothes, probably some noble arse who thought he could speak for Hawke. Well she wasn't fooled.

"Look, as I told tin can out there, I will only give my message to Hawke."

He studied her just as closely as she studied him, and as his eyes narrowed she noticed just how blue they were.  He was dressed smart but was doing the Viscount's grunt work, an over eager aid maybe? A page?

"Unfortunately the Viscount is busy at the moment, as you can see Hightown is in a bit of an uproar over the party tonight."

"Look you stuffy, smooth talking, dick I don't care if you want to make yourself seem bigger by going around Hawke but I know her and I wont talk to anyone else." She said starting to get frustrated.

"I appreciate your tenacity but I think you may have misread this situation."

"Yeah? Misread this you -" She said as she started to lift her hand to flip him off.

"I am her husband and have been tasked by her personally to deal with these sort of things while she handles the nobles for the night."

Oh, her husband? Wait, didn't Varric say something about that? Some Chantry brother, and oh that would make sense of his nice clothing. 

"Yer what now?"

"I am Sebastian Vael, husband of Annais Hawke, the Champion and Viscount of Kirkwall. If you have something to say, you can say it me. I am in no way trying to 'undermine' her as you said and I would really like to see anyone try such a thing with her."

Sera stiffed at that, suddenly matching the man in front of her with Varric's description, "Alright Buttercup you've met Hawke but the other person you should look out for is the Choir Boy, tall-ish you know for you I suppose but shorter than she is by a lot. Blue eyes, a depiction of Andraste in a very noticeable place. You wont be able to miss him."

"Alright... Choir Boy... Say you are her Husband tell me -"

"Varric sent you right? Tell him he still owes me ten gold for that last game of Wicked Grace and I expect him to deliver it in person." He said giving her a small smile.

"Oh yeah and Buttercup, I owe him some money too so if he asks you to pay up, don't." It was him, he could help! They could do it! They could save Hawke and Inky will be proud of her!

Over the next twenty minutes the words poured out of Sera's mouth telling him everything, from the way Inky looked as they said goodbye, to how Varric was doing, to all the information she had learned about the plot.

"And so we think it'll happen tonight, I mean yeah that makes the most sense. You have a bunch of stuffy people in masks she wont see it coming." Sera finally finished.

Sebastian was nodding along, clearly deep in thought, "Yes that does make the most sense. She has upset a lot of the nobility here given her rather... lenient view on the mage rebellion."

"So she'll stay back right? And we're good and I can go home yeah?"

He just laughed at that, "You clearly do not know my wife very well. She would not stay back from anything. If you want to leave you can, but I could use your help keeping an eye out for her at the party tonight. There are only two guards we can trust that won’t for sure have been paid off, so in total there will be four people we can trust. We'll have to be positioned strategically..." He said before drifting off and pulling out a map of the keep and looking over it thoughtfully.

"Wait, she's still going? You wont even ask her to say home?"

He just laughed again before responding, "Oh I shall ask, I shall plead with her in fact. But if I know Annais she will go anyway, her rule has been threated and so have the mages of Kirkwall. She will not stand idly by and let the guards deal with this. She is a strong and powerful woman and we would discredit her by doubting her."

Sera shook her head understanding; she would never be able to talk Inky out of something like that too. "Well Andraste's tits, I better find something to wear." ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------- Sera once again stood outside of the Viscount Keep, this time in a clean yellow shirt with an official invitation in her right hand. Just one of those stupid nobs try and stop her now.

A different guard let her in this time, giving her a dirty look before throwing open the door. As soon as she was inside she was swept up and taken into the ballroom by a very eager servant. The entrance to the Keep had changed dramatically since the morning.  Every candle was lit, and there were wreathes and holly wrapped around the banister on the stairs that led to the ballroom. There were large red flowers placed in most corners and everything seemed to shine. They seemed to really be going all out for this party; nothing like this had ever been done at Skyhold.

Once in the Ballroom she was able to get a good view of things. It looked almost to small for the crowd, and the decorations seemed to have been hastily put up, as if it was done at the last minute. In comparison to the Foyer this room looked tacky.

Sera realized why she had been given a bad look from the guard, most of the guests seemed to be decked out in their absolute frilliest clothing and masks, everyone except the Viscount herself. 

She noticed her the second she walked into the ballroom. She had seen her in Skyhold once, but here in Kirkwall she seemed even more imposing. Tall, so tall, with short blonde hair that was starting to turn white in a few places. She seemed so serious, maybe it was because Sebastian had decided to tell her everything, or maybe she was just that sort of person. She was dressed in all black except for the white gloves on her hands, and she had also forgone a mask. No frills, Sera liked her already.

A hand grabbed her elbow, startling her. She swung around ready to pummel whatever stupid noble thought she was a servant. A hand wrapped around her fist and before she struck anything important as she came face to face with Sebastian.

"Oy, don't go sneaking up on people like that or you'll lose that pretty face of yours Choir Boy!"

He just laughed, "You would have to be a lot faster to do any damage don't worry."

She growled but before she was able to respond he continued, "I filled her in on everything. Her friend Aveline the Guard Captain, and her husband Donnic are keeping the masses away from her so whoever it is wont be able to strike up close. She has a taste tester up there so she wont be poisoned. That means that it will have to be a ranged attack, probably will come when everyone is distracted by her welcome speech so it is up to us to recognize whomever it is before they shoot."

"Got it, you take the left side of the room I'll take the right. And Choir Boy, don't hesitate."

He shook his head and before disappearing into the crowd said, "You underestimate me." 

Sera laughed before moving over to the food table. Sucker had let her take the half of the room with the wine and sweets. The table was decorated much like everything else, lots of sparkly lights, holly, and red flowers. The sweets were all in the shape of stars and the wine glasses had beautiful designs etched into them. They really had gone all out for this shindig.

Annais stood and started to try and quiet the crowd, Sera knew she would have to start paying attention but she wanted to grab a bite to eat first. 

A young elven boy was refilling some sort of meat pie looking things before whispering, "Red Jenny prefers the honey cakes."

Her head shot up at that, "What?"

"Yes, over there. He prefers the honey cakes." He responded motioning at a noble in the center of the room whose hand was shoved deep in his pocket. She nodded at him before trying to wade through the crowd.

"Thank you all for coming out in the middle of this horrible winter storm. As tradition dictates, for Satinalia we shall choose a fool to be ruler of Kirkwall for the night!"

She had started her speech. Sera locked eyes with Sebastian from across the room and motioned towards the gentleman who was now pulling throwing knives from his pocket, clearly waiting for the right moment.

Sera started to panic, the crowd was too dense and the room to small to move. Neither of them was going to make it in time.

"And so it is my great pleasure to introduce you all to this years town fool as voted on by the people of Kirkwall from all walks of life."

As she continued he started to push his way to the front of the crowd, he was close. Sera hoped Annais had quick reflexes, because that was their only hope.

"Bador Kelly! Frequent patron of the Hanged Man and occasional shop keeper!"

His hand slid into position, here it was. Annais better be ready to dive. 

Before Sera could yell, or warn her at least an arrow shot through the crowd, making a sickening thumping sound when it made contact with the back of the mans neck. Screaming erupted in the room, and the party devolving into complete chaos. Sebastian was standing in front of the only door, a bow in hand. He had shot him to protect his wife. Sera had no idea where he had gotten a bow from, but now she knew what he had meant when he had told her not to underestimate him.

A crack rang through the room, silencing the screaming. Annais had slammed her staff on the floor sending a calming feeling throughout the room. When she spoke her voice was steady and measured, no more of the fake excitement that she had shown when announcing the fool.

"Guards, will you please remove the body. My guests, if you will please join me in the Great Hall we can continue the remainder of the party there." She gestured for the guests to follow her towards the door, black skirts sweeping around her feet. 

Sera jumped and tried to run over to Sebastian, but unfortunately the whole party was now trying to make it towards the door. She watched as the tall woman at the center of everything made it to her husband before they all disappeared off into the rest of the castle. 

By the time Sera finally made it out of the murder room (as she was now going to forever call it) the party was back into full swing in the Foyer and the Great Hall. Both rooms had been decorated with such care and seemed to be much more fitting for the party. She realized that they had planned to catch him in the Ballroom and then move everyone elsewhere. 

She found the couple talking softly at the head of the largest table in the Great Hall.

"Oh and here she is, the Inquisition agent I was telling you about." Sebastian said, ending whatever conversation they had been having until she had walked up.

"I seem to owe you a lot, thank you Sera." She was even more imposing up close and the small smile that graced her lips made her knees go weak. She was so much taller than any other woman she had ever seen. Her blue eyes seemed to cut right through Sera's skin deep into her soul stripping her bare. No wonder Inky had liked her so much when she had visited. She was the only woman who would probably be able to go toe to toe with her in a fight.

"You should really be thanking the servants of Kirkwall, yeah. Keep treating your people right and they'll have your back." She responded as the band started up behind them.

"Please sit, enjoy yourself while you're here." Annais said before whispering into Sebastian’s ear again.

Sera dug into the feast in front of her, excited for stuffed hog in the middle of the table.

"If you'll excuse us," Sebastian said standing and reaching a hand out for Annais, "I think after a long night it is time for a dance." 

Sera watched as Hawke smiled and let him lead her to the floor. The two slid easily into each other’s arms, clearly experienced at dancing together. Annais was quite a bit taller than Sebastian but he still managed to sweep her off of her feet as they twirled gently across the dance floor. They didn't take their eyes off of each other as they spun, totally lost in the feeling of being together after a long hard day.

Sera felt a growing knot of jealousy building up in her stomach, dreaming back to the Winter Palace a month earlier where she and Inky had done the same thing. Not a care in the world of who was watching, or the chaos that had just been quelled. Just feeling safe in the arms of her lover. She could tell that was how Annais and Sebastian felt as they danced the night away, sharing soft kisses every now and then, and ignoring the rest of the party. 

Sera decided in that moment that she didn't care how important it was, she would never leave her Inky's side ever again. As soon as she got home she would not waste one more moment before telling her how she felt. They would never miss another dance together ever again. She would end up just as happy and Hawke and Sebastian no matter what.

As she leapt up from the table and ran out of the room the couple yelled after her, "Wait where are you going?"

She looked back at them and grinned, "Going back to Skyhold to do something I should have done a long time ago."