#ejay art 2023

[salnyangoz]

Old hag yuri

[ejaydoeshisbest]

The day before Christmas Eve. I just want to be useful. I want to give back. It isn’t about me anymore.

This happened on December 23, 2023, but only had the time (and strength) to write what happened now, January 03, 2024. This is because I felt that I was too emotional and lonely to write something so emotionally charged and depressing. What happened was I video-called my aunties as they were being festive and preparing for Christmas Eve. I was alone in the house with only my grandmother for company and combined with the feelings of anxiety, stress about the past and future, the struggle to breathe, and the isolation I felt with all my family abroad, having fun this Christmas and New Year, while all I wanted was to desperately cross the ocean to be with them, it all got to me.

I was in no-shame tears as I video-called them, my breaths hitching, my voice quaking. At the time, I cried about being a useless leech who wasted his prime years to be a couch potato, and now that I am feeling physical symptoms that make life more challenging, I regret it. If I had known that this would happen to me, I would have worked harder, summoned more patience at work, and saved more than enough money. I told them how I hated myself, and how I was disgusted with myself as the eldest son and an eldest sibling. I should be out there facing the world and its harms (like getting a job, firstly) so that I can not only be a financial burden but also be a source of financial assistance when needed. I just want to be useful. I want to give back. It isn’t about me anymore. The lies, too, got to me. I was deaf to rational but listened to the negativity in my head. (Note to self: DO NOT LISTEN TO BRAIN WHEN IT BECOMES A BULLY). I felt like a child again, asking for directions, and seeking help from older people. My aunties, of course, comforted me. They listened to me as tears flowed down my face. They shushed me when I became incoherent. They soothed me, as always. They told me that being a stay-at-home carer was a good thing. That without my help, my parents would have had a harder time situating themselves in a new place. It is a comforting, thought, but I wasn’t sure. I guess, the thing that worries me is the recurring thought of, AM I USEFUL? I know one of the solutions now: it is to avoid what I have been doing these past years. The 20s that disappeared. I wasted it all by being a lazy bastard, a depressed loner, an anxious leech. It’s time to force myself into a different mindset. I’m not sure if I can handle life, but I’ve got to believe that I’m doing good by contributing somewhat to the family. I guess it also helps to remember my dreams and daydreams and goals in the middle of all the nastiness of my surroundings. To fight for it, even if it looks bleak. The point is that it keeps me hopeful, and it keeps me happy. To not conform to society, but still participate in whatever goodness it offers. Words: Ejay Diwas Art: taken from TORRANCE on Pinterest https://www.pinterest.ph/pin/1125968650656703/

[judebautista]

Dazzling RAMAHARI

Foreground from left: Ejay Arisola (Rama), Katrene San Miguel (Sita), (Partially covered) Renzen Arboleda (King Sagreeva), Monica Gana (Towns people) and Erl Sorilla (Lakshmana). ARDP’s RAMAHARI at the SAMSUNG Performing Arts Theater, AYALA MALLS CIRCUIT, September 22, 2023. Photo by Jude Bautista Written and Photographed By Jude Bautista The modern design and interiors of the SAMSUNG Performing…

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old man yuri

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girlfriends in my funger

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Ending D

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Jay remembers he has tumblr once in 40 years.

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Exist

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Dttscr referenced from a vintage cigarette painting

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Journal Page

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Zındık efendi

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Anything for you

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Wicked

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two tavs