#either way it angers me because i feel like i can't really choose my future at all.

[seaslugs-arerllycool]

it's already like the second week of school and i want to drop out. i'd rather be a fast food worker, because it'll probably be equally as tiring, but at least i get paid. it's not like my life is really going anywhere, anyway? so.

[ellapurnellmybeloved]

fluff alphabet |clarisse la rue

author's note: Hi lovelies, please send me requests! I don't know what gave me the confidence to think I can write, probably delusion. Also, this is according to my personal views of Clarisse so don't be mad if it's different from what you've imagined. Leave a comment, I love interacting with people, xx.

warnings: I tried my best to keep it gender/race/cabin neutral for the most part but there are still some feminine coded things here and there. English is not my first language so excuse any grammar mistakes.

A ctivities - What do they like to do with their s/o? How do they spend their free time with them?

Starting off strong because with Clarisse sparring is a must. Although she doesn't like to think there will ever come a time in which she won't be there to protect you, it's still an essential part of life as a half-blood. And who better to train you than the daughter of war herself? And in case the apprentice becomes the master and you happen to beat her or pin her to the ground or even hold your dagger to her neck? Oh boy, she's done for. Actual heart eyes.

B eauty - What do they admire about their s/o? What do they think is beautiful about them?

She pretty much loves everything about you, she can't really just choose one aspect. Though, if she had to, she'd probably say she loves you for being supportive, understanding, and patient with her. You understand her better than anyone. That's what made her know you were the one for her. You can control her anger issues and calm her down when she's on the verge of exploding and she thinks that's beautiful.

C omfort - How would they help their s/o when they feel down/have a panic attack etc?

The art of intimacy or comfort never came easy to Clarisse. Her relationship with her mother isn't the best and hasn't been for a while now and her father is a grade A asshole. Her first instinct when you're feeling down is to fix it, to ask you who or what happened and give them a physical piece of her mind, but that's not always how it works. She'll pull you to her lap and hold you through the night or for as long as you need, wiping your tears and kissing your cheeks. She'll let you vent your heart out. You can tell her anything. Or nothing, if you prefer. She's not the best with words but her actions speak much louder.

D reams - How do they picture their future with their s/o?

She's never thought that much ahead if she's being honest. Never allowed herself to daydream too much into the future, choosing to live off the present for now. Sometimes, however, she pictures what could be only described as an utopia; to go on such a fantastical quest that the gods can't help but grant the both of you immortality, that way you'd bask in the glory of your love forever and ever.

E qual - Are they the dominant one in the relationship, or rather passive?

On the outside looking in it would seem Clarisse is the dominant one for sure. And in some ways she is; she likes that you can rely on her, she wants to provide for you, yearns to prove herself capable of such. Still, you're the one in charge. Clarisse is completely devoted to you, and your relationship means more to her than anything she's ever felt before. She cherishes it like no other, always at your beck and call.

F ight - Would they be easy to forgive their s/o? How are they fighting?

Clarisse is intense, that much we know. Her anger runs deep and her passion burns red. She's not perfect, and doesn't try to hide it either. She's hot-tempered, arrogant, she's got a short fuse and she holds grudges. Her fatal flaw is pride, which sometimes gets in the way of her good senses, so you'll most likely be the one apologizing first. Despite all that, she can't bear the thought of you being mad at her and absolutely hates fighting with you. It's like it's tearing her apart, especially if you're sad over something she said or did in the heat of the moment. Truth is, she is a fighter at heart so when all is said and done she'll try and make it up to you in some way, somehow.

G ratitude - How grateful are they in general? Are they aware of what their s/o is doing for them?

She is so appreciative of everything you do and are. As previously stated, Clarisse didn't get much love growing up so any semblance of that is something she clings hard to. She notices everything, every little thing you do for her and the underlying of your words. How you treat her and others is always stored in the back of her mind and she loves to be loved by you.

H onesty - Do they have secrets they hide from their s/o? Or do they share everything?

Clarisse is a very closed off person in general, she doesn't like feeling exposed and being possibly seen as weak. She'll tell you things but there's still some matters you have to pick up on your own and know how to approach them, especially regarding her feelings and personal struggles. She's very honest though, she feels like she owns you that much and appreciates you if you do the same for her. The more your relationship progresses you'll notice being able to read her like an open book because although she does her very best to hide it there's an underlying vulnerability to her behavior in certain moments you'll take proper notice of the more you know her.

I nspiration - Did their s/o change them somehow, or the other way around? Like trying out new things or helped them overcome personal problems?

Clarisse has definitely become more gentle since you. It still doesn't extend to your friends and family but more so how she behaves around you and knowing she doesn't have to put up that though front all the time. Her sense of self worth has improved as well, especially when you reassure her through her insecurities and doubts (never being the son her father wanted etc.)

J ealousy - Do they get jealous easily? How do they deal with it?

Oh, boy. Clarisse’s jealousy is very fuelled by… Well, anything really. She doesn't necessarily need a motive to go toe to toe with someone, just staring at you for a second longer than she deems them worthy of and she's ready for a fight. It's hard for anyone to get close enough to flirt with you because she's always there, by your side, kind of like a guard dog. But only because she knows how amazing you are and her insecurities do blurry some lines on what's acceptable. She's working on it though.

K iss - Are they a good kisser? What was the first kiss like?

Clarisse is definitely a good kisser. She doesn't have much experience, if any, but she's a natural. It sounds cheesy but the first time she kisses you was like butterflies and church bells dancing loudly in the wind. The way she cups your face so uncharacteristically soft and how she breaks off the kiss with a series of small pecks only to smile one of her beautiful smiles so close to each other's faces… Magical. It could be at the fireworks on the fourth of July or it could be in your favorite spot in the woods, soaked in lake water during a midnight swim or after a heated argument. No matter how many times Clarisse kisses you, she'll never not feel electricity similar to her spear’s sharp edge digging into her body and soul.

L ove Confession - How would they confess to their s/o?

Clarisse does not have a clue what she's doing. I feel like she'd say something in the heat of the moment; either confessing her true feelings or masking them by saying something hurtful she doesn't actually mean. In the latter scenario she'd storm off and berate herself over it but her pride and fear that you'd never look at her again made her put off her apology for some time and let it all sink in to talk to you when she's ready. That is until you start properly ignoring her and she nearly goes crazy with longing, just missing your overall presence and having her stomach turn to knots at the way things were left between you two. That's one of the few times Clarisse sucks it up and reaches for you. The apology is awkward but overwhelmingly honest and she tells you she's an idiot but you're content in forgiving her and giving her a second (actual first) chance.

M arriage - Do they want to get married? How do they propose? What would the marriage be like?

Again, Clarisse never thought she'd live to see the day she'd actually have a marriage prospect. Her life just doesn't seem complete without you anymore and the moment she realizes that she's done for. It would probably be while you're laying in bed together, your head on her chest while you play with her fingers. Your eyes are heavy with sleep but hers are wide open, thinking. “Will you marry me?” said while staring into the distance and you probably think she's joking except Clarisse is not one to joke about that sort of thing. “Not now. But eventually.” and whether you ask if she's serious or just accept it right away, she'd look at you seriously for a beat and then tackle you into a bear hug, crushing you underneath her. She doesn't see the point in a big wedding, but if that's what you're into, she won't mind.

N icknames - What do they call their s/o?

She is not immune to babe or baby but would still like to keep some variety. Things like sunshine, gorgeous, angel or others (I'm looking at you, person who created the “mama/s” HC). She does like your name very much, or probably a shortened version of it. Don't expect her to not tease you if any of these make you flustered.

O n Cloud Nine - What are they like when they are in love? Is it obvious for others? How do they express their feelings?

Clarisse likes to think she's good at hiding it when she's absolutely not. As Taylor Swift once said, you can hear it in the silence. Just the way her eyes soften when she's looking at you speaks millions, but people also get whiplash at how fast her mean attitude changes whenever you're around. Her love giving languages are probably acts of service and physical touch. She loves to do things for you, feeling all big and mighty whenever she can make your life just a little easier. Touching is also a must but we'll get to that in a second.

P DA - Are they upfront about their relationship? Do they brag with their s/o in front of others? Or are they rather shy to kiss etc. when others are watching?

Clarisse is not very comfortable with public displays of affection, because she is afraid of being judged or mocked by others for being weak or soft. She prefers to keep her relationship with you private and intimate, but doesn't mind the little things. She does gloat about being with you as well as showing you off, so that everyone on camp knows you're hers. She brags about you all the time and I mean, seriously, all the time. She's not a big hand holder but she almost over compensates by grabbing at your hips and thighs, throwing an arm over your shoulder or hiding her face in your neck. She especially loves bonfires when you sit on her lap and she can hold firmly onto your waist while she's talking to her siblings or just press her forehead against yours when her social battery is low.

Q uirk - Some random ability they have that’s beneficial in a relationship.

She's very perceptive. She may not know what has changed right away but she's also persistent so she'll figure it out in an instant. If it's the way you did your hair or something that happened along your day, even if you change your usual greeting. She notices and she'll definitely ask you about it.

R omance - How romantic are they? What would they do to make their s/o happy? Cliché or rather creative?

Clarisse wants to be loved, that's all she’s ever wanted, and she has so much love to give, therefore I believe she'll do just about anything to make you happy. That includes being an absolute sap. She honestly doesn't mind how cliche it is, if it works on you, you bet she's using it. If anyone cares to say anything remotely negative about you or your relationship she will promptly glare them into oblivion or give them something to really worry about.

S upport - Are they helping their s/o achieve their goals? Do they believe in them?

She is your absolute biggest supporter. Especially if you don't believe in yourself, then she's trying even harder for you to see just how well you can do something if you put your mind to it. With something like sword training she is more than willing to help you, rewarding you with kisses and cursing you for distracting her with your pretty face.

T hrill - Do they need to try out new things to spice out your relationship? Or do they prefer a certain routine?

Clarisse doesn't mind change, she rolls with it. If you have a certain way of doing things, a routine you like to follow, that's fine by her. If you're unpredictable, even better. She just loves to see what comes next in terms of your relationship, not necessarily needing anything to amplify her love for you. It's already hardwired into her.

U nderstanding - How good do they know their partner? Are they empathetic?

She knows you like the back of her hand. Even the slightest furrow of your eyebrows or tilt of your head and she'll be there in a second asking what's wrong. She does learn to be more empathetic towards your own struggles, which was hard at first because she wasn't sure how to see things from someone else's point of view. Though road but you make it work.

V alue - How important is the relationship to them? What is it’s worth in comparison to other things in their life?

She doesn't have much to look forward to so Clarisse values her relationship with you very highly, as you are one of the few people who can see past her tough and aggressive exterior and appreciate her softer and more vulnerable side. She is fiercely loyal and protective of you, and would do anything to keep you safe and happy.

W ild Card - A random Fluff Headcanon.

I actually read this one on a Wattpad story a while ago so credit to the original creator but, Clarisse has a teddy bear named Mr. Muscles she's had since she was like, nine and she cherishes it like it's her most prized possession. When she introduced this piece of information to you, you just found her so incredibly adorable you couldn't contain the giggles and she gets so hot in the face she pushes you off her bed and it's honestly one of the most memorable moments in your relationship.

X OXO - Are they very affectionate? Do they love to kiss and cuddle?

I headcanon Clarisse as your personal furnace as well as a koala bear so kisses and cuddles are a must, especially if it's cold outside. She loves to take naps with you, it gets to the point where she has trouble sleeping without you (so you give her a vial of your perfume to spray on Mr. Muscles for when you're away).

Y earning - How will they cope when they’re missing their partner?

Clarisse with you: 🥰

Clarisse without you: 😡

She gets snappier than usual and easily annoyed but she'll also get really sad because she's never had to deal with being away from you. Her siblings try to cheer her up by shoving some kid's head into the toilet but she's so disinterested in anything that does not involve you she just goes about her days training until she can see you again and show off her muscles.

Z eal - Are they willing to go to great lenghts for the relationship? If so, what kind of?

The answer is yes, one hundred percent. “Touch her and you die” trope goes so hard. Not only that but she would willingly sacrifice the world and herself for you and your relationship. She would go out of her way to make sure you are okay, that you are fed and hydrated and well rested, even messing up her own sleeping schedule in order to take better care of you.

[zmediaoutlet]

spn20rewatch, 1.10: "Do we need to talk about this?"

Possession is the bread-and-butter of Supernatural. Whether it's demons or ghosts or just real bad vibes, seems like there's always something willing to creep into a host like rot and start in on cracking foundations. A favorite line is that demons, in particular, always lie unless they're telling the truth, and really it seems to be that the possessions in general trend toward: what would hurt most? What if it's a truth that could be excused as a lie, but at a deep level there's a truth there that can't ever be told because it would break everything apart?

Asylum is part of a critical episode run in season 1 that reveals tons of details about the Winchester family -- how they operate, the roles they have and what's expected of them, etc., but more importantly how they'll operate into the future. Sam and Dean are brothers and they love each other, but even with their immediate return to a kind of young bro-bantz partnership in the early episode of s1, they aren't truly partners yet in a way that will actually be functional through to the future. There are some old resentments here that haven't been exorcised; more importantly, there's some testing of the relationship that hasn't been done. It's one thing to settle back into your old patterns of boys yoked together and working for your dad -- it's another when that yoke is shattered, and you have to choose what to do about that. Bugs to Home to Asylum to Scarecrow to Faith will really test Sam and Dean and make them into the hunting partners they'll need to be in order to survive what'll come.

Unfortunately, Asylum is the nadir of that testing. Ellicot's insidious work inflates anger and makes people violent and turns things as dark as can be -- but, actually, we don't get any real indication that he makes people feel or say things they don't actually mean. They're just things that have been put away or smoothed over, because saying them would be too awful. Later, soulless!Sam will operate in a similar way to how "Asylum"!Sam operates now -- the filters over the worst hardest truths are just gone, and everyone in his path gets to take them at full force. Dean gets the brunt of it here, first with rock salt to the chest and then with much, much more painful words to follow. He's under no illusions that Sam doesn't mean what he's saying, as we can tell from how flatly he takes Sam's non-apology at the end of the episode. He knows Sam doesn't respect him for being "daddy's good little soldier," and we see from other examples (notably in s3) that Dean doesn't even respect himself for that -- why would Sam feel any differently. It hurts either way, though, especially when we think of a line of dialogue from much, much later -- I thought you'd tell me to get lost, or get dead.

SAM: That's the difference between you and me. I have a mind of my own. I'm not pathetic, like you. DEAN: So what are you gonna do, huh? Are you gonna kill me? [...] SAM pulls the trigger.

Always a delight to have your worst fears be realized. But it's the kind of thing that's needed, structurally, so that when a break happens the bone can be reset cleanly and heal up strong -- which they'll get, eventually. It's just not very much fun, in the meantime.

[sinfulslytherin]

Eat pt.2

Summary: Your Boyfriend doesn't let you eat properly in order to punish you. Draco tries to get your attention...

Trigger warning: mature content

_______________________________________

"You still didn't eat the Crumpet."

This boy...

I mentally face palm.

"Because I don't want to. Stop talking to me,Malfoy." I say in an annoyed voice.

"Caddel,seriously. We hate each other. Fine. But eat that fucking thing."

The moment Draco agrees that we hate each other it somehow makes my heart sting.

I ignore the uncomfortable feeling.

"Why are you so determined to make me eat? Fuck off."

Draco suddenly puts down his pen and turns his face to look at me.

Our eyes meet and his seem to be full of rage.

"What did you say?" Is all he says.

I don't know why but I somehow feel a wave of confidence wash over me. This is an opportunity to just let out all the anger that's bottled up inside of me.

"I said 'Fuck off'. Stop with that fucking behaviour. Stop acting as if you have the upper hand!" My voice raises as I speak.

Draco suddenly grabs my throat harshly and a light moan slips from my lips.

I mentally slap myself because of my bodys reaction.

"That wasn't the reaction I expected. Looks like I do have the upper hand." Draco says as he squeezes my throat a bit harder.

I groan as I feel him teasing me again. This man messes with my head.

I see his hand wandering over to the Crumpet as he grabs it.

"You can either eat this" he says as he holds up the Crumpet "or I'll shove something else into your mouth but I don't think Graham would like that very much."

My eyes widen at his bold words.

I grab the Crumpet from his hand, kinda dissapointed that I didn't choose the other option-

Stop Amara.

He's trouble.

Draco nods satisfied as his hand leaves my throat.

I take small bites of the Crumpet and pray that Graham won't notice that I broke his rules.

"I hate you." Leaves my lips in a silent voice.

"I hate you more, Caddel." Says Draco while working at his essay without sparing me a single glance. Something in his voice gives me comfort eventhough these words should bring me the opposite.

He seriously messes with my head. He's such an asshole but he somehow always ends up saving me.

"So you were going to try out for our Quidditch team?" Asks Draco with a slight sound of mockery in his voice.

"No." I answer dryly.

"But in the great hall you sai-" Draco starts but can't finish his sentence.

"It was a dumb idea I had. It was just for fun and I don't really want to make it on the team. Now let me finish this essay." I say in an annoyed voice.

It's a lie.

Of course it is.

I want to play Quidditch.

But now it is in the past.

It was a dumb idea.

From a dumb girl.

I know that I won't regret the lost past.

I will always regret the future that I lost to Graham. I already regret the things that would never be.

Draco wants to open his mouth as suddenly Umbridge storms into the classroom.

"All Students must come together in the great hall immediately."

She looks stressed and out of breath as I look at her. Did she ran here?

We don't question her and make our way to the great hall in a fast pace.

I throw away half of the Crumpet and the napkin on my way out.

As we reach our destination, we see that a big amount of students has already come together in the great hall.

The first thing I notice is that all the tables and chairs vanished from the giant room.

We stand at the very back as we suddenly hear Dumbledores voice.

"All Students of Hogwarts are not allowed to go back to their dorms. The younger students already have been evacuated. The rest of you will be spending this night in the great hall."

Everyone starts to get nervous. The air grows thicker with every passing second.

"The reason for that is that a dangerous wizard has been roaming the halls of hogwarts. Don't panic. You will be spending the night here in safety."

I turn to look at Malfoy only to find him smirking at me.

_________________________________________

A/N: Short chapter but the next one will be suuuuper spicyyyy~

I know that many of you all are here for the spice ;)

Read the full chapter here!

[kiwibongos]

im writing Something for a little fic and i was putting stuff in my notes for later on and it really just made me realize like how fucked up hajime is after all the Horrors. like, emotionally. him rediscovering emotions entirely. (maybe someone has talked abt this before, i just wanna store this here)

because when he's less of a hollow shell, all there is is grief and guilt in his brain. but then as time goes on, he slowly rediscovers what it means to be human, and learns these feelings again one by one. and it has to be such an agonizing process too ? and when they do happen, theyre all extremely overwhelming, out of the blue, and most likely even caused by really small things. my dude will eat a stale piece of bread or even smell expired dairy products, suddenly relearn disgust and feel ABSOLUTELY nauseous and just hurl over lmaoo

but for as for more serious topics, like properly feeling anger again, it'd be ticked off by little shit, bc he doesn't wanna lose control like that cause the frustration doubles. it'd get bad when he makes a mistake too. he'd freak the hell out, because izuru was the embodiment of perfection, of every talent cultivated into one single brain, so he *cant* mess up, but its too much for him to handle cause he's so used to being under that obligation and expectation, but now that he's losing his stability over all that, when he messes up just *slightly*, he feels ashamed and tries to fix it as fast as possible, whether or not its a big deal. itd definitely be really hard to get out of the mindset that, even though hes not izuru anymore, he has to be perfect. to him, he has to stay that way. cause if he fails at all, then he can't protect his friends anymore. does that make sense. the pressure would be literally crushing

also shock/surprise/excitement. everything was predictable and boring to him as izuru, so obviously all of that is still a huge issue that still lingers within him after the simulation, so he'd probably overcome that first and be caught off guard a lot bc, well, he's learning to be hajime again, he's not *exactly* the op superhuman genius anymore (in my head at least. cause when two minds practically mash together weirdly it creates a horrible hit-or-miss concoction lol) so even basic things become brand new to him, and hes fascinated and curious by everyone and everything. not like hes never seen it before, but its like hes experiencing it for the first time, even if its just mundane tasks in life, new methods and alternatives to things, etc. he's generally a very observant guy, and would also pick up on little traits and habits from all his friends. i have the feeling people would rub off on him extremely easily

love, serenity and happiness itself would be extremely hard to tackle and learn, or even notice? i think of so many scenarios of how this could happen. cause like sure he can feel joy, he can be glad, proud, relieved, and smile because his friends are there. but he's still yet to experience what happiness truly is, what it means to him, and it's not something he can do alone. so it just takes a while for that big boom to happen. perhaps its up to interpretation how it happens, go for it idc i have alot of scenarios stirring up in my brain, but overall, i think him actually bursting with happiness and feeling genuine peace within himself, and realize hes grateful for the life he has, and the future he got to choose, would probably be caused in the process of moving to jabberwock island. just seeing all his friends on the boat and knowing they've made it this far, and theyre going to be starting a new life on this island, and that theyre safe, would be enough to just like hit him. like Ough. and thats when he actually consciously realizes that he's happy, when every other waking moment, there's been some kind of empty pit in his stomach eating at him for so long

on top of all of this, he cant really control his emotions very well, either. thats also another massive con to all of it, and a downside of relearning these things because of how strongly they came swinging back. its alot to handle. even if theres so much knowledge packed in his brain, one little thing like that could be enough to make him bluescreen. so he ends up just going on autopilot or stuffing all of it away, just to make the bad stuff stop. (it becomes a very unhealthy habit that bites him in the ass later. everyone is mad at him for not taking care of himself. hajime is then swaddled into a blanket with a kiss on the forehead)

anyway theres probably more to add and id get into the nitty gritty of specific shit but i had to impulsively dump this here so might as well put up the basics. makes me so excited to work on this fic more, even if its in a more somber, different context, i just love to think about hajime and how he works through his emotions and picking up his old traits. yknow, being himself. but at the same time he isn't doing it alone. let my boy be happy. let him find himself again and move on from izuru

[anamericangirl]

Where was God when I was raped. Hmm? Where the fuck was he? Why didn't god stop him? Why did my church tell me it was my fault? Hmm? Well?

First, I want to say how sorry I am for the abuse you experienced. That is one of the worst things a person can do to another and my heart breaks for you and I hope you have been able to find healing and will keep you in my prayers.

And if your church told you that it was your fault then you need to find a different church. That is completely unbiblical and is antithetical to everything God teaches and they are not following Christ by saying such things. Churches are not immune from sin and wrong doing and it's important to recognize when a church is going against God.

It's very easy to use your pain and the negative treatment you received from a place that was supposed to help with the healing process as a foundation for judging and being critical and hostile to the concept of God and Christianity, because you were wounded in a very personal way not just by your abuser, but by your church as well. And you are completely justified by feeling anger and resentment towards your church and their handling of the situation, but I would urge you to please not let that dictate your idea of what Christianity and the church is because what your church did is in no way representative of anything God teaches.

When we get hurt in such horrific ways by other people or go through any sort of suffering, it is hard not to feel unseen, forgotten or even abandoned by God. And it's ok to feel that way. It's ok to bring your anger and frustration to God. In 1 Peter 5 we are even told "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you."

But it is important to know and remember that even though at times we may feel unseen and abandoned by God we are not. God promises multiple times throughout scripture that he will never leave us or forsake us.

It's common to think that if God really cares about us he will never allow anything bad to happen. That he will intervene and stop all evil. But if he were to do that then it would contradict everything He has said and would kind of erase the need for him to come down to Earth to die for us.

When God created us, he gave us the gift of choice. And that is a good thing. We have freedom to make our own decisions and God has promised that he won't stop us from doing things, even if they disrespect him. We can choose how to live our lives and what path we want to follow. And, like I said, the gift of freedom and choice is a good thing.

If God were to stop all evil then that would erase choice and free will from the equation. And we can either have the ability to make our own choices or we can have no bad things. And God chose to give us freedom through choice.

And with the gift of choice comes the harsh reality that some people will choose to do evil things. And when people choose to do evil things then other people get hurt. It is a hard truth to grasp, especially when you are the one being hurt. And it is not even a comforting truth when you are experiencing abuse but to understand why God doesn't intervene and stop all evil then you have to understand how having free will works and that God has given us the gift of choice and stopping people from choosing evil would render that gift meaningless.

But, it is important to know and remember that even though a person made the evil choice to hurt you, God did not abandon or turn his back on you. God does not want you to be hurt and he does not give you things to cause pain and is not the cause of pain and suffering. "For I know the plans I have for you," declares the Lord "plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future." - Jeremiah 29:11. This act of evil you endured was not part of God's plan for you. But it can't stop God's plan for you from being realized. There are countless examples of people making evil choices and hurting others, even through sexual assault, where God took that evil act that was intended to hurt someone and used it for good. Not to mean that the abuse became a good thing, but the result of that abuse was not what the abuser intended and instead God empowered and gave strength to the victim. And you are not an exception to that.

God is there for you when you are abused and your abuser is not going to get away with what they did. God has already overcome the world and set his plan into motion. There will be justice, but from our earthly perspective this justice is not immediate. But your abuser is going to face God and be judged by him, as we all will be.

In the meantime, God is not just turning a blind eye to you and your suffering. He is there for you to turn to, cast your anxieties on, and for you to accept his gift of healing. He can't stop evil without revoking our gift of choice, but he can take your pain away.

I know this answer doesn't take away the hostility and hurt you feel and it may not even satisfy you and that's ok. But I do hope you can at least understand it and know that God loves you and doesn't want you to be hurt and is there for you to go to get healing at any time. And I hope that you at least consider what I have said and that it provides at least a little bit of understanding.

[mithliya]

https://www.tumblr.com/sickofeverythingmale2/732367831916822528/not-an-argument-against-what-i-said-but-okay

What's your opinion on this? I personally understand sickofeverythingmale's anger, but imo she misses the point this time, as do other antinatalists, from what I've seen. The point IS that women who'd receive those money don't use it for themselves, they use it for the baby. 🤡 Yeah, a single woman would be able to afford much more with that because she's s i n g l e. Childless, if you will. Saying that someone who doesn't afford a child, should just not have any is such a rich people take or/and is so far removed from actual tangible reality. Reality where there is still pressure to have kids, where poor women are at a greater risk of this etc etc. Giving women incentive to continue higher education is not antithetical with trying to solve this very real issue of lack of support for mothers, lmao. As if saying "Simple, just don't have kids!" is effective on your normie woman and not at all a chronically online take. The only people I've seen using the child support (who isn't even enough in our country) as incentive to have more kids are the poor people, because it correlates with lack of education, not because poor people are inherently evil or smth. So the problem is really not the existence of such a support, it's the lack of education that's an issue.

At least these are my two cents.

tbh im conflicted on this topic. i do not think conservatives support giving mothers money bc conservatives do not support women in general, but i think this can benefit them in some ways. i recall hearing of some governments considering such a thing moreso to increase the birthrate, basically knowing full well that incentivising it via financial compensation will encourage some women to reproduce. i fear that creating a financial incentive for child birth will ultimately hurt women and make it so many poor women will reproduce not bc they even want kids, but just so they can survive. i fear the damage that would do for women and for their kids, and thus the future generations. but also its complicated bc child rearing is so taxing and time-consuming and expensive that it should be compensated. i feel like surely there can be a way to implement this without basically incentivising childbirth but i can't think of such a way of doing so.

that said, "if you cant afford babies then don't have them!!" sounds quite conservative to me too. i feel like conservatives have said exactly that, word for word, at some point. like, some women don't really get to choose? and some women do not want to seek out abortions when they realise theyre pregnant, some do not want to give up their baby for adoption either, so like. i do think we need to think of a way to help women in such situations but also ensure this isn't basically making poor women reproduce just so they can have money to survive on.

[muthaz-rapapa]

[TW: trauma, mental illness, suicide; additional warnings: criticism of the author] There were some things that greatly unsettled me after reading chapter 70 so I'm going to put them all here in hopes that I can sort out my feelings and move on.

I won't deny that the recent development added to the growing disappointment I've been having about this arc for...god, probably close to a year now.

But I did give myself 3 weeks to clear my head before addressing the issues I have with this chapter in particular. When my mental state is at its lowest, of course anything I think of would be at its worst too. At least I'm a bit calmer now than I was at the beginning of the month...

..still, the writing and the impressions that it left, even though I'm well aware that they're not permanent and probably weren't intentional...

It hit too close to me personally and I just can't stomach it anymore.

And I'm not ashamed of what I'm going to talk about (which is why this isn't set to private) because I didn't pull these thoughts out of my ass. So if you're sensitive and unable to read through topics like that or are very biased towards CLAMP or some combination of both then I implore you exit this page right now. I'm not looking to push this opinion on or cater to some cause. That's not the purpose of this post. I want to leave my anger somewhere and be able to get over it. I owe it to myself, my own well-being, to be honest on my own space when I need to be.

The warnings are there at the top. I've mentioned them twice already.

I will not engage in discussion with anyone about this after I'm done either so please, please just heed those cautions if you choose to continue reading beyond this point.

There were two things I was deathly afraid of possibly occurring in this climax. I tried really hard not to think about it too much but to my dismay, they happened anyway.

One was Akiho being left behind by someone she loves again.

When the chapter finally sunk in, I can't even begin to describe the despair I felt over what CLAMP made Kaito do. What they didn't let him realize before he went ahead and completed his plan of extracting that book planted within Akiho.

And that was repeating the mistake that Akiho's parents made.

True, we were told that they sacrificed themselves to protect her from some sort of incident. Maybe it was unavoidable, even with Lilie's ability to see the future. Maybe that was one of two or more possible tragedies that could've happened to Akiho (the other being the threat of the artifact that would destroy her soul) so they chose to accept the harsher, more difficult route that would happen sooner to ensure that their daughter would survive.

Frankly, there has never been a doubt in my mind that Akiho was truly loved by her parents and this act of sacrifice is ultimate proof of that.

But even so, even if they really loved Akiho more than anything to die so she could live, they still left her alone in the hands of monsters that Lilie definitely knew would hurt her own daughter.

And that brings up several questions about what kind of person Lilie really was when she was still alive.

We've only ever seen her through flashbacks and the memories of other people (Kaito, Momo, Nadeshiko), after all. And it's important to note that through the lens of those perspectives, Lilie is always shown in a very positive light because they remember her with fondness.

A kind, bright and compassionate woman.

It does not mean she was perfect, though. It does not mean she thought everything through. It does not mean she fully considered the gravity of her decisions, of how much it will hurt Akiho to be left alone, before she chose to die to protect her daughter.

Was that really the best way to go? Did she really not believe there were other options? Or was it because she was a dream seer, who like many other dream seers before her, that she could only see one future and be trapped by that notion of how difficult it would be to change it?

So she thought she could only chose to let the rest play out as she saw it in her dreams? In a way, dumping that huge responsibility of taking care of Akiho on the person who would come get her (Kaito), despite that person still being a child himself at the time?

...I honestly don't know.

Because Lilie is someone who is primarily meant to support Akiho and Kaito's story but hasn't been fleshed out into a well-rounded character. She is mostly defined by her relations and significance to others so she doesn't have a purpose beyond that and that's why we can only leave it to interpretation (and the remaining chapters if her ghost does show up) on what her real self is like.

I also don't know if Akiho's parents ever tried to assign nannies to her or find people they could actually trust to take care of Akiho after they were gone...or if it would've proved useless anyway because Akiho still fell under the custody of her clan after their deaths so maybe those caretakers would've been replaced or fired by her kin and the effort would've amounted to nothing...

But again, even so. Even with Lilie knowing with certainty that Kaito will appear before Akiho to take her away from those magicians, the time Akiho had to spend waiting before then... repeatedly getting abused before his arrival...

There's no way I can't hold her accountable for that either.

The belief or knowledge that "it will be alright" in the end doesn't justify the pain and suffering Akiho had to endure before she was rescued from that hell.

Lilie surely did love Akiho. She's her mother after all and she probably even set up some safeguard magic in place beforehand that would help bring Kaito back to Akiho later on...yes, I still believe that in spite of my doubts about the choices she made.

But simply loving isn't enough. Simply loving someone a lot isn't enough to shield them from the worst that can hurt them. You need to try at least harder than that.

And that's what Lilie's mistake was. That she let Akiho get hurt despite the good intentions she had of wanting her daughter to meet the person who will love her more than anything else.

That was the one thing Kaito should've learned to avoid before he sacrificed himself to save Akiho.

But he didn't. At least not yet. Not until he is "revived"/brought back or his perceived "death" on screen is prevented through another rewind or whatever.

The point is, Kaito being gone will inevitably hurt Akiho as well when it shouldn't have to be that way.

Because not only will she eventually realize that she's not Sakura's twin sister, that she's not really a member of the Kinomoto family and that the reality she's been placed in is essentially a falsehood. That her real place to belong is with the people (Kaito, Momo) who truly know and accept her for who she is, sad past and all...

But also because the loss of Kaito will hit her so much harder, be so much more painful, than the loss of her parents.

Because unlike her parents, whom she loves but never knew, she does know Kaito. They have been together almost her entire life and she's grown to love him more than anybody else, think of him as her most important person above everybody else.

His absence and her learning about the truth, about everything he did just to save her...that's going to scar her so deeply. It's something that should've been totally avoidable through the handling of the writing.

Even if you try to argue that Kaito did better than Lilie by actually leaving Akiho with people who would definitely not mistreat her or that this will give Akiho the drive she needs to find a way to get him back (and thereby, fulfill the promise CLAMP has made in one of their twitter spaces) in the next five chapters, it doesn't change the fact that this is an another blow of suffering that Akiho didn't need to go through.

Dragging this torment out on her, adding and prolonging her turmoil for the angst and suspense and to really hammer home that idea of "earn you happy ending"...that's bullshit, alright?

Yea, kids will have to fight their own fights and some harder than others because life isn't fair to everyone. And this is a manga and so on so I shouldn't think too hard on it...

...but the way this story has been set up for Akiho and Kaito when it could've written so much better is very disheartening.

I'm tired of narratives that conveniently take advantage of the absence or subdued presence of adult figures so that the child main characters have no choice but to take on the brunt of the conflict themselves.

It's fucking 2023 already. Storytelling has evolved better than this.

Rather than focusing so much on the saving, there should be more emphasis on the correct way to protect someone. So that nobody has to feel so backed into a corner that they can only act under the stress of desperation.

Which brings me to the second issue. Kaito's "death".

Granted, we don't know for sure if he was really killed off or was just sealed somewhere (the book?) but it's pretty obvious this is only temporary as Akiho will remember him through the pocket watch he left behind which will then kickstart the goal of getting him back.

But again, things shouldn't have gone to the extent that... he actually left the scene believing it was best for everyone that he disappeared.

You're not supposed to let a suicidal person rationalize and validate their own depressive thoughts like that. Especially not in a story where it's a given that he is meant to be saved from such a tragic end.

There were so many instances before this chapter that suggested someone (namely Akiho or Momo) would make it in time to stop him before he threw himself off the edge. But not only did that not happen, the authors also ensured he would "die" by revealing new information about the sealing spell attached to his title of "D."

So regardless, they wanted to "kill" him off at least once.

For what? hm? Shock value? Tears? Sadistic pleasure?

Fuck you.

No amount of themes or logic CLAMP wants to put in this story can excuse how badly they handled this topic.

Suicide isn't something that you can just casually toss around under the guise of self-sacrifice. Not in a time where mental health is considered more important than ever.

This ripped me apart so much because I was in a similar situation when I was in high school. And while I fortunately never got so bad that I ended up putting a knife to my wrist, I can tell you the pain I felt was very much real. Because I'm still feeling the effects of having those suicidal thoughts today, even when I stopped thinking I wanted to die a long time ago.

That's how I know for sure that Kaito is a teenager. Because teenagers don't really have a long-term grasp of the consequences of their actions so they tend to do things on impulse, which is not always good.

And for a lot of their intense emotions, particularly the negative ones, the brain is capable of numbing them to an extent as a way of protecting them. So that they're not overwhelmed by the severity of those feelings all at once.

But even the brain can only do so much to stop you when you're constantly telling yourself "I want to die, there's no point to me being alive". If you can't persuade yourself out of that mindset, you need help from outside, too.

That's what saved me, the words from a friend who told me what I needed to hear to get me off that self-destructive path.

"I'd be very sad if you were gone."

Even now, I'm so grateful for those words and that was what I wanted the most for Kaito, for the message he's supposed to represent for every mentally ill person struggling with low-esteem and self-worth, out there.

And it didn't happen.

And it won't happen until after he's revived/brought back in some miracle magical manner but if that was the plan all along, then it still would've been better to stop him the first time.

Not the second.

Because there are no second chances if you end your life. When you're dead, you're dead.

I've read so many headlines about people committing suicide over the years since my high school days and it has never gotten any easier to hear those stories for a reason. Because if I were to get used to it and think nothing of it, it won't increase the desire to stop suicides or help the efforts to prevent tragedies like that from happening.

That's why I'm so disappointed.

That the hope that was to be delivered to Kaito, who needed it more than anything else, was side-tracked and delayed to drag this ending fatigue out even further. For the angst, for more magical girl gimmicks, for Ohkawa's Alice fetish, for any other related explanation except for the things which should be considered more important.

......

Sometimes I ask myself if I'm overreacting to this. I make it habit to remind myself that while fiction does affect reality, it doesn't do so in a 1:1 ratio way so I shouldn't treat this too personally. And the authors aren't responsible for the trauma I went through and everything.

I know that.

I also know that I've read many other stories before this one, harsher and darker and heavier with their portrayals of abuse and trauma than this, and I never took a development I didn't like this badly as I did for Akiho and Kaito.

But I think these two are the special exception among all those cases in that they enabled me to finally face my personal demons after setting them aside for so long. The more I watched them and analyzed their characters, the more I related with their anguish that seemed so similar to mine. So naturally, whatever I have been blessed with to help me survive till this day, I wanted that for them as well.

But I kept getting let down by many things I continued to learn over the course of following this series, a majority of those grievances which won't be discussed here but in a future separate post because those need time to sort out too and I'm already reaching my limit with this one.

...still, I can't help but wonder if CLAMP really hadn't thought about the damage they could potentially cause with they way ch 70 was written, regardless of it being fixable cuz it's a fantasy.

I wonder, since they've been working in this industry for so long and how senior they are, if they still hold onto these old-fashioned notions over the "nobleness" of self-sacrifice, a theme they had visited many times over and over again in their previous works. And that in spite of all their criticisms against it, they're actually quite obsessed with the idea because to them, that "nobleness" probably looks so beautiful to imagine and portray on paper.

I remember when I was attending a course for Japanese literature that my Japanese professor said "Japanese people like to appreciate the beauty of sadness and tragedy" and I wonder if CLAMP falls into that category of people who like to romanticize such things.

...again, I can't stomach that. Not anymore.

I mean, even though I've seen this theme touched upon in other works made by different authors, I felt like some of them (arguably) handled the seriousness surrounding this subject in a much better way than what I read in CC. With the proper respect and attention it deserves instead of coating "noble self-sacrifice" over how terrible and ugly it really is when mental illness wrecks our minds and affects how we act.

And I admit that I've also changed and grown since the time I was reading manga when I was 10 years old. Hell, even a year ago, my perspective was quite different than what is now so that's also a factor in the way I think at this moment. In how I'm able to recognize what I can tolerate or not. What I want and do not want in what I consume.

...I think that's fine as well. To be upset as I am because at the end of the day, I know CLAMP is nowhere near perfect. They're just regular people like anybody else and therefore, susceptible to being called out like anybody else and it's okay to drop them just like anybody else for that same reason.

I don't know if I've come closer to obtaining the peace of mind I wanted after ranting so much but at least, I think I've reached a conclusion on what to do from here on on out. And that's to let go of things, even people, that I know I no longer need.

I will still follow the story of CC to the end out of my deepest love for Akiho and Kaito and my wish for the satisfactory happy ending that they deserve...but I'm not going to make myself pretend the rest of it matters anymore.

I lost faith and stopped believing in this author...and I'm going to be okay with that.

[again, this post was done to help me get things off my chest so please don't leave any comments, I will not respond to any of them, thank you]

[the-anonymous-vent-blog]

Idk man. I just need to scream to something or someone. I'm good at art. That's what I've been told. That's what i believe. That's what I spend most of my time doing. So tell me why the hell does everything I draw look like shit? I've tried dozens of times on a simple face and can't get anywhere. I know it sounds stupid, but if I'm not good at anything I do, I have no purpose. Every time I pick up a pencil I am filled with the urge to just rip chunks of skin off. But I can't do that, sadly. I'm trying to be clean but it's fucking hard when everything I do looks like shit. Everything I do I mess up in one way or another. I can't keep a job, I can't keep friends, I make everyone annoyed at me cause I'm fucking annoying, I can't commit to anything, I make my parents wishing I was different, I can't starve myself without caving, I cant purge, and I can't even hurt myself right. I kid you not, the only reason I haven't committed yet is that IM A FUCKING COWARD. IM SCARED TO. I'm stuck as me. Stupid little me that can't do shit and I can't escape. I just need to destroy something to get the anger out or something.

Sorry for throwing this all at you, btw lol

Hey man, it may seem hopeless to try and change, but I promise you can.

I'll address everything in the order you brought it up, so just bear with me here.

First of all, realise that everything looks like shit. Like, genuinely. You can pick and prod at the imperfections in all of the world's greatest artworks and find something wrong or something you think could have been done better. Try it! Everything is an ugly mess of colors and features melting together to create a hopefully intelligible scene. Beauty is genuinely in the eye of the beholder.

Also, get comfortable with failure. Revel in it. Do it on purpose.

Secondly, when it comes to keeping a job, I can't say I've got experience in that either, so don't feel too bad about it. Everyone's suffering in the current job market, so the faults not all yours.

Third, when it comes to keeping friends, I'll always give this one piece of advice: Get comfortable being alone. I've got a grand record of three friendships lasting longer than 2 years. One of them I'm not as close to them as I was at the beginning of our friendship. Of course, reach out to others. But when it's inevitable, choose to be alone.

Fourth, being annoying really isn't that bad. You're probably less annoying than you believe you are, and even then people love annoying. Like class clowns who are always surrounded by people laughing, or youtubers taking in millions by being obnoxious. They're annoying yet people love them anyways. Maybe because they're annoying. You just got to be confident in it. You will find people who love you anyways.

Fifth, it's most definitely a good thing you can't commit to self harm. That fear is a healthy thing, and a good thing too if it keeps you alive. I was too cowardly to die a long time ago, the same as you.

If you want to change, you must do so as a coward. You need to know who you want to be, something new you want to try, or habits you want to develop. Start easy, with something that requires the least amount of preparation or can be done on a whim, and throw yourself in the deep end. Make a decision and do it scared. Do it crying if you must. Sink or swim, and I cannot tell enough you will fail again and again.

You've just gotta remember there's a future where you're happy.

Lean on the people and things that can help you. You've gotta prioritize that happy future. Try to hang on to the small good things you have, because it will take forever to change. It takes years to see the smallest change, but it will happen.

Lastly, destroying something is a good idea. Expand on that. Can personally attest to wrecking things being an effective form of stress relief and anger management. Go hit trees and tear apart plants. Get a punching bag or just play videogames where you get to shoot stuff. Seriously, its good.

[toragotchi]

january 2023 mediapost

everything i watched, read, and listened to this month

watched

the lego movie (2014)

first watch of the new year! from what i've seen, most media being catered to children is just stupid, so it's always such a pleasant surprise to see something that's actually good. like something i wouldn't mind my children watching, if i had any. not that stupid movies are bad, but you know.

pineapple express (2008)

this movie was not at all what i was expecting. i put this on just to have something to zone out to. overall, it served its purpose and had some really funny moments.

drunk history (2013)

i watched the first two episodes of this, thinking maybe i'd learn something i didn't know before, or maybe at least have a laugh, but i think this show might be too dumb for me to get into. i think the concept is great, but i wish it were more like.. historically accurate stories told in a funny way, rather than like 'woah that guy is really hammered.' i doubt i'll continue to watch this.

you people (2023)

absolutely plastered watching this one and i could still tell it was the worst movie i've seen in awhile.

read

as i lay dying by william faulkner (1930)

first read of the new year! i really enjoy faulkner's writing and the concept of this story was so awesome, but for some reason it took me forever to get through this book. some parts of it i had to reread too many times for my liking. i will have to check out some more stuff by him in the future.

indignation by philip roth (2008)

i am usually turned off by the young angsty main character trope (i really hated the new me by halle butler for this reason), but for whatever reason i really loved it this time. i think his anger at the world was more funny and relatable than pretentious and annoying. a story about how ironic life can be, how confusing social rules can be, and the way the universe favors some of the stupidest people, told through the eyes of someone who freaks out about these things in the same way that i do. it was really great.

lizard by banana yoshimoto (1993)

(a collection of short stories)

- newlywed: i don't really care for stories about men fantasizing about some hot cool mysterious woman who comes and rescues them from their wives that they hate like stfu lol.

- title story: i enjoyed the female character more than anything, and the concept of her being burdened with her magic healing powers as a result of her past. she was really cool but i wish the story were told from her perspective.

- helix: this story was really sweet and i love the concept of people in love being able to read each other's minds.

- dreaming of kimchee: wasn't a fan of this one either. i just can't get into stories about people who seem to completely lack self-awareness lol.

- blood and water: this one was kind of beautiful. a story about changing as a person / finding your place in the world, finding love and fulfillment, being accepted.

this collection explores timing and healing and fate as they relate to spirituality and the supernatural. can't explain it but this book is so 90s lol. this is the second book i've read by this author and i just love her style and how real and relatable her stories are. i feel like she has something for everyone.

listened to

the glow, pt. 2 by the microphones (2001) (relisten)

first album of the new year! one of my few no-skip albums. it has such a wintery feel to me, but maybe that's just because it's a little depressing lol. enjoyed it on a long drive. hard for me to choose my favorites but here i go.

favorites: i want wind to blow, the moon, (something) - 1, the gleam, pt. 2, map, you'll be in the air, i felt your shape

planet her by doja cat (2021)

i'd heard most of the songs from this album before, but never gave it a straight-through listen until now. a lot of really good songs with only a few i had to skip. doja just kinda rules imo.

favorites: get into it (yuh), need to know, love to dream, been like this, ain't shit

sos by sza (2022)

a pretty even mix of good songs, bad songs, and in-between. i gotta say ghost in the machine might be the worst song i’ve heard in awhile. phoebe bridgers' voice does not belong on here, it just totally threw me off. this album was decent, but definitely didn't come close to ctrl for me.

favorites: low, notice me, smoking on my ex pack, nobody gets me, special, shirt

like..? by ice spice (2023)

i love ice spice and this album was decent. i can't wait to see what else she does, she's such a genius.

favorites: all of them??

memoryland by cfcf (2021) (relisten)

listened to this while working on applications. good ambience for me. i love electronic music and this is one of my favorite albums of that genre.

favorites: life is perfecto, suburbilude, night/day/work/home, gravure idol, self service 1999

nightlife by yuragi (2016) (relisten)

a short one. listened for working ambience.

favorites: soon, night is young

for granted by yaeji (2023) (single)

this is sooo so good and i can't wait for the album. love this artist.

everybody else is doing it, so why can't we? by the cranberries (1993)

not going to say anything that hasn't already been said. it’s so dreamy and sad and perfect. i just love this album and this group.

favorites: dreams, sunday, linger, i will always, put me down

heaven or las vegas by cocteau twins (1990)

listened to this in preparation for goth prom. another group that i just love and i hadn't yet listened to this from start to finish. apparently was heavily front-loaded for me. i’m looking forward to listening to more of their albums.

favorites: cherry-colored funk, pitch the baby, iceblink luck, heaven or las vegas

tomorrow is nearly yesterday and everyday is stupid by crywank (2015)

as individual songs i really liked them, and the titles are amusing. this is the type of music i listen to a lot. but listening to this start to finish as an album.. it kinda got boring and repetitive after a bit.

favorites: memento mori, song for a guilty sadist, if i were you i'd be throwing up, notches, only everyone can judge me, deep down i'm american werewolf

visions by grimes (2012)

closed out my january with this one by my favorite artist of all time. listened to celebrate its 11th anniversary!!

favorites: genesis, oblivion, be a body, symphonia ix (my wait is u), nightmusic, skin, know the way

︻╦╤─ ҉ -¨ * ♫‧₊˚*♡ * ☆ ♪*” ♡.

my media consumption has been kind of lacking this month due to working ft, applying to grad schools, life stuff, etc. hopefully february will be packed full of even more great stuff. thanks for reading!

02/04/23

[kinnspocketporsche]

Dialogue callbacks as audience insight

There were multiple callbacks to previous episodes in episode 13. I may say more on it if people are interested, but this particular piece is so interesting to me. I find Pete to be the most challenging character to read, and this helped guide me a bit.

(Well,) I don't like it. - Pete Ep 11, 13

I wrote a whole thing about this and double meanings for episode 11 - how this line can be read as Pete telling Vegas that he's not choosing to be treated badly, that he (and Vegas) haven't chosen the abuse they've endured. They didn't choose to be treated as less than human. I think "I don't like it" has a similarly profound meaning in episode 13 - except now we're on the other side of it. Pete chose to stay. But... did he choose abuse? (The answer is no. Of course not. If anyone's asking or unsure. The answer is always no.)

Then why didn't I say no? - Pete, Ep 13

This line. This line I find particularly devastating because we see Pete chained up and alone again. Preceding it we get flashes of Vegas's anger at his father and he's being loud about it. It makes me wonder if Pete knew what was coming, he knew that anger was about to be directed at him. If his father was at all like Vegas, Pete has seen the way these things cycle firsthand. To me this line feels like an "I should've known better."

Let's look at episode 12:

But you like it, don't you? When I am like this. How do you like it? - Vegas, Ep 12

I wonder if these are the questions Pete's answering when he says "I don't like it" in episode 13. Because when Vegas asked this, it was in the context of him acting very, very human. It was in the context of Vegas treating Pete as a human. And even then, Pete didn't respond until Vegas gave him explicit permission to choose. But in hindsight - it's possible that Pete looks back on these questions and thinks Vegas was asking him whether he liked the abuse.

Vegas is both an abuser and a victim of abuse. The question is, can he and will he change like Pete did, or will he keep letting anger control him like both of their fathers?

What are you looking at? Eat! - Vegas, Ep 13 What the heck are you looking at? Why didn't you eat? - Vegas, Ep 11

Humans don't grow without setbacks, and the process of change often looks a lot like falling back into old habits. If not for outside forces of the plot convincing me that Vegas will change, I would have very little hope in him. Especially with his track record of deception, which Pete is also aware of. Even if I trust that Vegas is on a path towards growth, I also trust that, unless Vegas can make this change immediately, it would be largely at the expense of Pete's wellbeing.

Anyhow, you're just my pet. - Vegas, Ep 13 A good pet listens to his owner. - Vegas, Ep 11

We have Pete who has survived and escaped an abuse cycle (this show has deliberately framed abuse as a cycle in a way that I think is quite clever), now scared as hell that he's going to choose that for himself in the future. He's caught between the care he has for Vegas and his own self-respect, and he knows he can't really be okay without either of them.

I got nothing left. Not even my humanity. Need me? For emotional projection, like a pet with no feelings? - Pete, Ep 13

It all comes together nicely for me in this episode. I love the way Vegas's demeanor shifts when Pete says even his humanity is gone, when it finally clicks. I love Pete holding Vegas accountable, I love him saying, essentially, that he's not pretending to be weak, it's not about weak or strong - he's getting worn down because he's human.

I'm a human, Vegas. - Pete, Ep 13

People are affected by the way they're treated. Vegas became a monster in response to his dad treating him like one. Pete refuses that for himself when he leaves - even if it's arguably the most difficult thing he's ever done. I'll wrap this up with one final thought.

Give yourself up to the main family. Mr. Korn is not cruel. It's up to you, Vegas. It's your choice. - Pete, Ep 13

Pete has been offering Vegas a third option since episode 11 (more on this in my VP Communication Follow-up post). In fighting, there's winning and there's losing, success and failure. Two options only. The framework both of their fathers laid out for them.

This is it, this is the third option that Pete offers and has been pushing for multiple episodes: not fighting at all. Giving up.

I give up, Pete. - Vegas, Ep 13

——————————————————————

As always, my inbox and DMs are very much open for further conversation/questions/etc. and feel free to check out my Master Post for more of my meta! :)

[hanniejji]

Angst time💪 🙄 I had a similar dream like this so anyway.

This is au where their parents are alive and clan is still up. So Kazuha is the oldest so he would probably have to take his father's duties, and he doesn't need a lover...but Maple....well. Clan wasn't in a best condition let's say, so their parents had to make a deal with other known clan in inazuma. The caln had a kid similar age to Maple, so they decided that it would be good for both clans to have them together. ( maple is older here btw) Maple didn't really like that idea, neither Kazuha but their father told kazuha not to worry and to stay out of it. Maple had a lot of fights with their father, their mom didn't like the idea either, but thats all they can do to try to save the clan at the moment. Maple hated this, and would cry in their room because 1st they hate fighting with father, 2nd they hated that idea and 3rd they couldn't really do anything about it. Not only that, but Maple and that other person (the one Maple have to marry) hated each other.

One day their parents had a news for Kazuha and Maple, especially for Maple. They said that Maple will marry that person. Well.... things got a little complicated (bc why not 🥱). Let's say that Kazuha wasn't having it ( and maple too). Kazuha couldn't just stand there and watch his beloved sibling that he promised to protect suffer. (Nu-uh Kazuha is a badass 💪) They started an argument.

Kazubadass: "Father you can't just do that whitout talking to Maple first!"

Father👎:"Kazuha, i understand that you are upset but stay out if this, this is with me and (Name)-"

K: "Don't you see that 'Name' (when he uses Maple's real name yk something is bad💔) doesn't want this?! They hate it and you can see it but you choose to ignore it like always!"

Mom( we love mama kazuha): "L-lets calm down everyone, I'm sure we can talk about it in a more... calm way."

They were still arguing till they heard door shut with loud noise. Maple run to their room.

Father: * sigh* " 'Name' get back here-"

Kazuha: "Leave them alone, i believe you are the last person they want to see." Kazuha said angrily, and left to follow Maple.

Yeah dunno if i should continue, its pretty long anyways(?). Ya forgive me for grammar mistakes english isn't my first language 🧍‍♀️ Love yall

-🍑

clan head kazuha is kinda giving me tingles ehehe just imagining things yes don't mind me :D

these types of troupes are so frustrating too! maple knows that what their father is doing is going to benefit the clan, but can you really blame them for getting mad? a big part of their life in the future is being taken from them, it's only normal that they feel anger, right?

and if maple gets upset, so does kazuha.

he understands that this is important for the clan, but he also understands that this is important for maple. and for his father to tell him to "stay out of it"? oh no, he's going to do everything but that. he's going to do everything in his whole fucking body to show that he is against this.

papa kaedehara better stop being stupid or else he'll get the kazuha glare forever >:(

yet it's frustrating because at the end of the day, kazuha's not yet the head of the clan and he can't have the final voice in it. he can only express his anger towards hi father and that unworthy person he chose for maple. he knows that maple and this person don't get well together, so he makes sure that he's always ready to intervene and let this person know that if they ever lay a hand on a single piece of hair on maple, that he'll be met with the speed of a thousand winds that will surely throw him off a cliff. or maybe he wants to meet the sword itching to be unsheated from kazuha's scabbard?

surely it won't be murder if he disguised it with the weather, right?...

but what kazuha focus mostly is maple themselves. he makes sure to be there for them after every meetings with the clan or after they spent a hellish time with their betrothed. he listens to their rants, buys them their comfort food, just anything only the best big brother would do for his only sibling 🥺

[ratcandy]

Subcon Forest Analysis

Hi everyone I'm here to spill my aggressive overflowing thoughts on Subcon Forest and what it represents because it's been driving me insane since I finished the Sleepy Subcon time rift. Okay let's go. Obvious spoilers for AHIT ahead so proceed with caution.

This is also very, very long.

Disclaimer/warning: I will be discussing abusive/unhealthy relationships in this analysis. I mean. Vanessa. Come on. Also, there is a section on the nooses, and that delves, of course, into mentions of suicide. It will be sectioned off and easily skipped, but if you'd rather be safe and skip the entire post, that's completely understandable! Please stay safe. <3

Alright. Main point to be had here:

Subcon Forest is a giant extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character.

You all get to now listen to me spout nonsense about metaphors and symbolism because I'm a sucker for analysis and I'm given an opportunity to go ham. So perish.

The Ice

Let's start with the most obvious and most glaring thing in Subcon. The ice. It's everywhere. Not just outside Vanessa's manor, either; no, it's throughout the village, too. Shows up in the well and in random locations sprinkled about. When it comes to literal plot, we know that ice is just what lingers after Vanessa's wintery curse on Subcon. But going deeper and analyzing the meaning behind it?

Well, let's look at this from the perspective I've suggested. Subcon Forest being an extended metaphor for Snatcher's mind and character. A symbol for Vanessa then litters his mind, enough where it's certainly noticeable at first but blends in more easily once more of Subcon is unlocked to Hat Kid. This is clearly meant to be his lingering trauma, whether or not he wants to acknowledge it. Which he doesn't, as he never mentions it directly in his forest (that I can recall). Her influence plagues him, as to be expected with the traumatic experiences he went through with her. Breaking the ice is something Hat Kid must do in order to fulfill the wishes of the Fire Spirits (another subject I'll get into shortly), which, if self-indulgently playing with the found family idea, could mean that Hat Kid is helping him heal; if indirectly. Even if fulfilling the Fire Spirits' wish to die is... counterproductive, in that measure, which I'm now getting ahead of myself so hold on a sec!!

Vanessa. Ice. Everywhere. Traces of it all over his forest. That's the effects of an abusive relationship! Especially in a worst-case scenario where... yknow! One party in the relationship dies! So of course ice would be everywhere.

In and of itself, ice is a common symbol in literature and other forms of media. In this case, it's presented as an antagonistic force; emphasis is placed upon freezing and the harm that comes with it. The cold is unwelcoming, threatening, merciless. Snow can act as an insulating force, at least, but ice cannot. It can only make things colder.

A slight stretch: Seeing as this game deals a lot with time shenaniganry, I'm not sure if it'd be too out of left field to connect "freezing" with the theme of time. Yknow. Frozen in time. Both parties here, Snatcher and Vanessa, would be in this frozen state. One largely repressing it and never fully moving on, and the other doomed to her isolation ever since the event in question. They never moved past that moment after the Prince and florist's interaction.

The Fire Spirits (& the Portraits)

I'll put a slight warning here for suicidal ideation, if only because... it's the Fire Spirits we're talking about. It's not as grossly in-detail as the noose discussion will be, though, so make of that what you will.

To me, the Fire Spirits are a very interesting case. After all, they're fire. They're a direct contrast to the ice, thus being the only thing we're shown that could potentially melt it. The Fire Spirits, in my opinion, represent hope or a strength to continue. A strength to move on after troubles of the past.

...And that hope wants to die.

The Fire Spirits wish to burn out, to leave this mortal coil and abandon the forest to the cold. They make no effort to melt the ice, they simply dance, blissfully ignorant towards their surroundings. This being a metaphor for Snatcher's own hope for moving on is made all the more obvious by the fact he wants them gone. The first contract is to kill the Fire Spirits, to kill the hope. Perhaps he believes that sort of thing to be fruitless or naïve, so it only clutters his mind or has him foolishly optimistic at points. So, get rid of it. And the hope is happy to oblige.

(That, or their willingness to leave the forest to its own suffering and not aid in the ice's thaw angers him. Besides the whole "bark bark growl I can't get to parts of my forest because of them!!" which... also could represent a naïve hope clouding his judgement, not allowing him to see a bigger picture. But hope can't all be lost if one wants to move forward...)

A little side-tangent now on the portraits! And it's another slight stretch but the idea is in my head and I can't let it go. Portraits are another common symbol, usually being a physical representation of a memory or idea. For our purposes, let's say they're memories. I know in canon they appear to just hold souls captive or something but for now we're just Ignoring That(tm). The Fire Spirits have to burn the portraits to disappear. See where I'm going with this, maybe?

Instead of handling bad memories (or perhaps memories of the past in general) in any healthy manner, Snatcher chooses to forget/repress them, which just allows his hope to progressively die out.

I'm really hoping this is making sense because it makes a lot of sense to me but I might be insane rn

The Fact that this is a Forest

Forest symbolism breakdown! What's a forest usually mean in literature? "Traditionally, the forest has come to represent being lost, exploration and potential danger as well as mystery and 'other worldliness'." Okay. Yeah. Fair enough. That certainly works with the whole aesthetic we've got going on. Wood usually is life, growth and strength. But the trees of subcon are all dead. So what about that? It stands for death, big whoop, very spooky, we know Snatcher's dead and so are the children, yadda yadda wowie wowie. But. :) The trees in Subcon look a lot like trees that were scorched in a forest fire. Don't believe me?

(You could also argue they're just regular marsh/swamp trees bUT SSHHSUUHSH HANG ON HEAR ME OUT LOOK LOOK,)

What I believe to have happened was a controlled fire to rid the forest of the majority of its ice and snow. Likely done by Snatcher. It leaves behind a very desolate, depressing, barren scene... but. What else do dead/burnt trees symbolize? Rebirth. After all, controlled fires happen to make way for new trees to take the place of old ones. Some trees only drop seeds in fires/hot temperatures, so new ones take root and begin anew. Weird. It's almost like... I dunno. Snatcher was given some sorta second chance, given he's not just a corpse in Vanessa's cellar. So were the subconites. Another life given then by Snatcher. All connected I tell ya!!

Generally, aside from that, forests have many connotations. Mystery, isolation, claustrophobia; a place to dwell on regrets, or the past; to worry over one's future; to seek escape from or escape inside of... hmgmrnmm!

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

The Nooses

The t/w is given at the top and another cut-off point will follow the bottom of this, for those that would like to skip. This will delve into talk of suicide and abusive tactics used by abusers. Please don't read if it will upset you or make you feel unsafe!!!

Personally, I cannot stand the nooses, but that's just due to my own triggers. Were there a way to hide those from the game or replace the damned talking ones with anything else. I would take it. In a heartbeat. But I can still appreciate the potential analysis to be had with them. So now i'm gonna talk about it despite how uncomfortable it will make me to do so. yEa

So, what about 'em? There are three types of nooses seen in Subcon. At least that I remember but I didn't really go looking for them. Empty ones, ones containing empty subconites, and the talking ones.

Nooses in general obviously can hint towards suicidal thoughts or behaviors of the characters that interact with them. If saying Subcon is Snatcher's mind, it could suggest that he suffered from some sort of suicidal thoughts in life (or currently, if second death is possible... or if he never truly died... or maybe he's trying to figure that out...which has given me... a separate idea...uh oh). But. And hear me out. Different perspective.

A talking noose. I hate them with a fiery passion that is unmatched. But think of the packed symbolism of a noose that talks. And think more about what it says. "I wouldn't mind being strapped around a cute neck like yours." "Be careful now, I don't want to see you meet a miserable end anywhere, but with me." Oddly, a lot of what the noose says seems almost... endearing? One could argue it's a way of luring someone to put it around their necks, which in and of itself is a whole lot to unpack when it comes to suicidal thoughts beckoning one forward; painting itself as something romantic, almost. But. Here's a wild idea, now. What if the nooses, at least the talking ones, are another symbol for Vanessa?

They're tinted blue, after all. While Vanessa's scheme is more red, one could argue two things: One, ice. Blue. Ice. yeah. Or two, the fact that Snatcher's scheme is more purple. Blue and red... make... purple. So, for all we know, Snatcher's current state was a compound effort between suicidal thoughts and Vanessa's treatment of him. Perhaps he even found a way to put himself out of his misery before freezing/starving to death. (I know he has dialogue that argues against that, but... are we certain Snatcher would be the kind to admit suicide over freezing to death?... I don't think so.)

At any rate, a common threat by those in "control" of an abusive relationship is that of killing themselves should the other person not do as they desire. It's a cruel form of emotional manipulation to get their way, worse off if the other party is an empathetic individual. As a person who has been the empathetic individual in relationships like this... I would know. I've been here, unfortunately So, it's not completely out of the question to say Vanessa could've used some tactic like that, even before the whole... cellar ordeal. Did she? I dunno. I'm tossing ideas around. But if she did, the threats of such would sit around in the Prince's mind easily. Even if she has a reputation of not going through with it. It doesn't matter. That shit sticks with you forever, that scare, the potential of it ever being true, is horrifying and it ruins you. I'm projecting, Squirtle.

Still. A noose cannot hang itself. It has to have a victim.

...yea.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=- T / W PASSED -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

Misc. Ideas

- The spiders: Aside from the usual things spiders can be chalked up to symbolizing - toxicity, alluring danger, just... general pain - I like the potential wordplay that can happen here. Yknow. A black widow. Say the Prince and Vanessa were married when one died. What would that leave Vanessa? A widow. ...She's red and black, too. Yknow. Like a black widow. HA wordplay is fun isn't it?

- Snatcher's tree: Love this place, love sitting in here. But not the point! The inside of Snatcher's tree is such a harsh juxtaposition to the rest of Subcon that it kinda throws ya off guard. After all, the dark, purples and blues then contrasted with the bright warm colors of the inside. Even the music switches over. The thorns outside aren't present indoors. Ohh yeah this is gonna be on the nose as hell but the Tree(tm) is 100% representing Snatcher's appearance/put-on personality vs. his truer nature. Spooky outside with thorns, foreboding, unwelcoming. Then the more comfortable interior. VULnerable. Have I even mentioned that the tree is HOLLOW I mean COME ON. The sturdiness of that tree? Nonexistent. He's not a sturdy guy at all no matter how he fronts

- Intrusions are unwelcome: Snatcher does not like the fact that Hat Kid sticks around in his forest. His personal space. His mind. In fact he tries desperately to get rid of her after their fight, not wanting her presence in his forest at all. He has no problem providing more contracts later on with the Death Wish thing, and he finds great entertainment in messing around with Hat Kid, so it's not just a weird sudden hatred he has for her; it's the fact that. After she's finished being useful, he no longer wants her around, lest she find some things she shouldn't find. Now he's just uncomfortable with her in his personal boundaries. Could just be a denial that she's helped him heal (breaking ice, stealing from Vanessa, being something interesting for his kids to interact with) or just not really wanting a child to get wrapped up in. All that. Most likely the former. Considering the amount of joke-hints he drops regarding his background during his Death Wish dialogue. I see you funny man, making jokes out of your trauma as a coping mechanism. Punts him

Annnd I think that's all I got, for now! I'll make an update post if I get any more sporadic ideas. If you read this whole thing, thank you!! and also!! Wow that was a lot!! Hell world. Please feel free to elaborate on any of my points or debate with me on em!! I'm always open to other ideas, just be aware that if I disagree I am not shy when it comes to debate hehehe, tho I won't be aggressive to any extent I prommy!!

Alrighty. goes to sleep goodnight

[trashahime]

Anon, sorry for taking so long and the length. There was a lot to address and I tend to ramble. Due to the length I am going to divide your ask in chunks and respond to each paragraph individually for clarity's sake.

I'm curious as to why you have addressed this to Sesskagu shippers both here and later. TBH, this alone will make many doubt that you are truly neutral because you seem to have fallen for the common but false claim that the anti sentiment has it's roots in bitterness over a lost ship war.

Those supporting the end are made up of a variety of people who are simply united in their dislike/disappointment. Among them are shippers and non-shippers, antis, neutrals and even some SR fans who are bothered by how their ship is portrayed.

Personally, I don't think it takes any kind of mental gymnastics to have a problem with how Sessrin is depicted in Yashahime. There are some antis who probably do purposely make the worst possible interpretations to fuel their disgust/anger. But most are being completely sincere in their belief that Rin was married and pregnant by the time she was 15. You have probably already seen and dismissed all the anti arguments to support this view so it would be pointless to rehash them. You can believe it's just about disliking Sessrin but there were many antis like myself who were willing to accept the relationship even if we found it distasteful had Sunrise gone about things differently.

Each "hater" has their own reason for continuing to watch the show and I can't speak for them. Or as a "hater" either as I enjoyed the show. But I also think it's a trainwreck with many issues and problematic portrayals.

If people are targeting individuals and maliciously interacting with their posts then that is definitely harassment. However, I suspect you also mean the general posts made by antis criticizing those who watch the show.

The belief that watching/supporting Yashahime equals supporting a p*dophilic portrayal of Sessrin and other unsavory stuff is an opinion I disagree with. But I also disagree that expressing that opinion is harassment.

I get why you find it to be extremely harsh and hurtful but I also think you are taking it very personally when you needn't.

Consider my position. I'm an anti that still enjoys Yashahime. Most of those posts are made by my moots, some of which I have very friendly interactions with. I have even more reason to feel personally attacked by them but I don't. Just because I respect someone's right to an opinion that doesn't mean I am obligated to agree with it and make it apply it to myself. Unless you agree that liking Yashahime means condoning p*dophilia, then I'd advise you to take the view that those posts don't pertain to you at all.

As for petitions, bad reviews, being glad Yashahime is almost over... Well that's some of the least offensive actions an anti can take. Two of the three are against corporations, not fellow fandom members and the other is just a celebration amongst themselves.

They don't affect anyone else unless the petitions and bad reviews are substantial enough to put the shows future in jeopardy. IMO, the correct counter action is good reviews and supportive petitions, not telling antis to stop. They have the right to express their opinions.

I have seen many grooming and csa survivors say they also don't view Sessrin as having those aspects. However, there are many survivors on the anti side that strongly disagree. While I think that the opinions of those who have endured similar circumstances have more weight, it also creates kind of a never ending tug of war situation where neither side can really "win" the argument because they are equally balanced. For every survivor saying it is, there is one saying it's not.

Generally, I choose not to use the words p*dophilia or grooming when describing the Sessrin relationship or say that everyone who likes the pairing is a P&G apologist.

Many antis don't agree on this, but I think it's possible to have headcanons and scenarios that result in a version of Sessrin in which those things are not present. Fanonwise anyway. To me, the canon situation can definitely be interpreted to believe that they are present.

Mostly, I tend not to use the terms because they have specific psychological and legal definitions. That makes it very easy for SR fans to completely dismiss the idea that they could apply to Sessrin because it's not a perfect fit. I think if it turns out to be part of actual canon or if it's just part of one's own headcanon that Sesshomaru was "waiting" for Rin to grow up and courting her with gifts like the kimonos then that means he had a romantic interest in her when she was too young for it to be acceptable.

He might not be a technical p*do in that he is attracted to children, but his thoughts and actions are of one with regards to Rin. I agree with those that say Sesshomaru would never intentionally manipulate or pressure Rin to be with him, thus not "technically" grooming.

However, informing her via courting that he wants to be with her when she is older does put a type of manipulative pressure on her. For years, she will have to live with the knowledge that her literal savior, the most important person to her in the world, someone she loves and doesn't want to disappoint, is waiting for her. It will absolutely influence her life choices and who she becomes.

No need to apologise, I don't mind being vented at and am clearly prone to long-ass messages myself.

I think you do have some valid frustrations but I don't think they all are.

It's often forgotten that antis are major fans too. Many wanted to love Yashahime but in their eyes Yashahime "bashes" the OG and it's characters. It's ruined something they held near and dear. And they are highly upset about it.

Think about it, that's probably why you and others are so angry at the criticism. It's bashing something you all enjoy or maybe even love and it's making you highly upset. You all are more alike then you realize.

You can let it all impact your fandom experience or realise there is very little you can do about it because that criticism, even if you find it unfounded, harsh or extreme has the right to exist provided it doesn't break the rules of the website. You won't be able to block it all away.

it's a tired old cliche but it's true that you can't control what others do, only your own reaction to it. And frankly I think some of your reactions are as extreme as to what you ascribe to antis. I mean, you want them to stop celebrating the end of Yashahime. How does that really personally affect you?

A change in perspective as I described earlier goes a long way in not taking anti criticism personally. It even works when you are being personally attacked. I have seen posts about me specifically saying I am a deluded and deranged individual with real life mental health issues just because I think Kagura is the mom. Those people don't know me and I know the truth about myself. So why let someone's unfounded false world view affect me or my fandom experience?

Anyway, you probably just wanted to rant and weren't expecting or wanting this massive response. I hope you find a way to deal with the negativity because it's not completely avoidable but it will die down eventually.

[midnight-in-town]

Hi so I came across your Femto punishing both Guts and Casca meta and even tho I kinda like it I found myself at odds with a part of it.

I think punishing Casca and feeling mad she picked Guts over him and considered leaving him wasn't really a consideration at all. In the thoughts he has after the weird trippy hallucination thing they put him through during the eclipse his only thoughts are about Guts. How he was the only one who made Griffith forget his dream. And when he forgot this torture happened and his body was broken.

Guts was the one he risked life for by going to save him from Zod. Guts was the one who managed to get close to him despite his attempts to keep his distance from his men. Griffith was at that point after all only human. Humans need close relationships which he was denying himself and that led to his overattachment to the one he had which caused him to end up in the situation he got tortured in. He had to blow off steam he was so upset by Guts leaving and the concept alone made his fight with Guts more erratic.

But Casca leaving isn't reflected on at all during the Eclipse. Griffith said once that a true equal was what he considered a friend and while he was talking to a royal at the time that might still be true. Griffith who was human, and despite being in denial about it, craved friendship.

An equal who didn't leave him might be something he wanted. But Femto who has thrown away his humanity doesn't want a friend he doesn't want a equal. A power play is required to prove that Guts is beneath him. He needs to disempower Guts to feel empowered. To feel that Guts isn't a equal that Guts is beneath him.

The scene where he pushes down Casca is a parallel because it is also about power but in a different way. The sequence of events is Griffith asks Guts to put on his armor he wants to be able to put it on fight again. Guts obliges excited to see Griffith recover.

Elsewhere Casca is told he will never recover enough to hold a sword again. A demon attacks them rips off Griffiths armor and mocks him and his group over how he's already broken. Afterwards Griffith hears his group come apart as they come to terms about his condition. Casca berates Guts for expecting that recovery when it not possible which Griffith also hears.

Griffith then pushes Casca down I think because Casca used to be someone he was stronger than her. It's just a desperation to show he has even a bit of the strength he used to possess.

He manages to stay in the position she doesn't try to push him off he doesn't try to do anything and just puts his effort in maintaining position. Flopping on her and groping would probably be less physical effort but I don't think that what he trying to do . His mouth is open like he's trying to say something but no words come out. She hugs him pulling him close and as he's no longer holding up his own body weight his trembling stops.

I think its supposed to contrast with Femto later and his mentality in this moment vs that one.

The first scene with Casca is desperation to show he has even a bit of the strength he used to possess. That it'd not over for him.

The second one where he attacks Casca in front of Guts is to show no one is equal to him everyone is beneath him. Guts is beneath him. In this world where Griffith reigns Guts has no power to stop anything to do anything and he wants to mock and hurt Guts. That it's his time to rule.

When Griffith is rescued his immediate reaction is to lash out attack Guts. He is mad at Guts for leaving because in his mind Guts leaving led to this. But it only led to this because Griffith cared enough about him that he would be upset at not having Guts around. Its because they were friends. So when he sees Guts crying over him that anger dissappears and he puts his hands on Guts hand in a almost comforting gesture. He can't go as far with his anger or hatred because he loves and cares too.

Which is why that first scene with Casca is only her being pinned. He wouldn't go that far because even if he doesn't see her as a equal he still gives a shit. Its why he attempts to move to her when she attacked by demons after they escape with him. Maybe he wouldn't even consider doing something like what Femto does to her.

But that caring and giving a shit is the humanity he gives up. Femto still has emotions he had feelings Griffith used to have. If he didn't making Guts feel disempowered wouldn't matter. The idea of Guts as a equal in anyway wouldn't occur. Femto is just that anger and rage he felt when he tried to strangle Guts without the caring he felt when he put his hand on Guts hand.

Casca only mattered when Griffith cared about people who he thought he was stronger than. When he sacrificed that Casca ceased to matter. She was never a target of his anger or frustration. But Guts continued to matter. Because Guts was a target of that. He wants the target of his frustration to suffer, and he knows this will make him suffer.

Just my opinion thought I'd share. Still love your meta tho!

Well, damn, that’s a long ask. xDD Next time, just reblog and add your thoughts, I also answer that way, hahaha!

Also, not sure which post of mine you’re referring to, by the way. I’m thinking this one, but I honestly can’t be sure because I also reblogged posts on the subject?

Anyway, if I sum up your take: Griffith was out to punish Guts only and not Casca, because Guts >>> Casca in terms of significance as far as Griffith is concerned? 

Thank you for your input :) but see, I disagree, because this is exactly why I once said that...

I don’t understand why some fans somehow reduce Berserk’s plot to being about Guts vs Griffith, Casca often becoming some random secondary character. For me, no matter how you look at the series ever since the Golden Age, it just ain’t the case. :))

However, all I ever wrote was that Griffith punished both of them; I never implied that their “betrayal” amounted to the same significance for Griffith, because it’s indeed not the case.

After all, as you said, we know Guts always had a bigger impact on Griffith since the day they met...

...but, while we will never know for sure, I for one am quite convinced that if Casca (who was Griffith’s right-hand woman) was the one who had left in the same fashion as Guts, it would have triggered Griffith in a similar way. 

Because Griffith is a man of influence: he knows that and how to use such charisma on others. That’s why he totally means the words he said to Charlotte about what kind of people he would see as a friend. So he uses people’s feelings for him in a way that would serve the path to achieving his dreams. Casca herself said that, as a leader after he was gone, all she did was "try to protect the dream of someone who might not even be alive”. 

The Band of the Falcon lived and worked to help Griffith achieve his dream, because they saw him as special, since they had no achievable big dream of their own (kinda why Griffith said they’re not “friends”). 

So yeah sure, Guts’ actions would always leave a bigger impact on Griffith, as you showed he said it himself, but Casca falling in love with Guts and envisioning a future far away from Griffith’s schemes still clearly stung. 

After all, everyone in the group knew of Casca’s unrequited feelings for Griffith, meaning that Griffith obviously knew too and, instead of telling her it would never happen, he entertained the possibility so that Casca would entirely devote herself to him.

Take Judeau, as a counterexample: he too had some feelings for Casca, but he urged Guts several times to take her with him and away from the group, because he couldn’t stand her unhappiness. Griffith said nothing about her feelings, because he knew that’s how Casca would do everything for his sake. 

Still, Casca was not any random member of his Band so, when she emancipated from Griffith by falling in love with Guts, in my opinion it’s why...

...she also was on the receiving end of his jealousy. 

It’s distasteful but, otherwise, why did Femto rape Casca instead of killing her? Again, we will never know, but if Guts had left Griffith behind for a future with any other random girl, I think Femto would have just killed her in front of Guts. Raping Casca, when she used to long for Griffith’s affection, was revenge against both of them for choosing each other instead of him and his dream. 

You can see it in the way he stared at both of them so many times, coming to the realization that he was not at the center of their little trio anymore. So yeah, Guts > Casca in terms of significance since day 1 as far as Griffith is concerned, I never discussed that, but Casca was not such a random member of Griffith’s band either that her actions of emancipation would not taste bitter to him. That’s my opinion. :)

Additional points: I never said he was trying to grope her in that scene when he fell on top of her as she was changing his bandages, just that “he was trying to gauge or reenact Casca’s old devotion to him by showing some affection”.

And finally, Femto who was entirely reborn as a Godhand has no emotion left about Guts or Casca, he said it himself. Thinking he’s only anger and revenge would be confusing Femto with the Skull Knight or Guts as the Black Swordsman.

Friendly reminder that Femto is not human anymore so, while Griffith thrived on thinking that he didn’t bother with overwhelming bonds to anyone and that only his dream ever mattered, it is actually the case for Femto. 

I hope I answered your points. Thanks for reading and have a nice day Anon! :))

[everyhowlmarksthedead]

CHOOSE

Alexander “Tig” Trager x Reader

Word Count: 2k

Thanks to my lovely beta reader @chibsytelford 💘

Author comments: First part of Choose. I hope you all enjoy. Gif isn't mine, credits to the author.

Tag list: @starrynite7114 ​ @chibsytelford ​ @dazzledamazon ​ @mara-mpou ​ @sammskellington ​ @gemini0410 ​ @1-800-imagines ​ @briana-mishell24 ​@sassymox @whyisgmora @aquamento @sadeyesgf @viviansafizada @samcrobae @jade770 @witchy-wish @rebel-without-cause-x ✨ (if you wanna be tagged, send me a message!)

“So, what about (Y/N) and you?” Bobby asks sipping from his beer.

“What about what?”

“Ar'ya alrede' ‘official’”? Chibs adds while Jax, Juice and Happy leans above the table with a naughty smile drawn on their lips, palming the picnic table and making some noise.

“She's just a groupie, man”.

You can't hear Tig chuckling, because of the sound your heart does by breaking itself is louder.

“A groupie?” Jax's voice sounds confused, raising a blonde eyebrow as the palms stops.

“Yeah, you know. She's not one of those bitches that come here to eat us. But she's not my girl either. We just have fun”.

“You just have fun?” Juice asks incredulous, shaking his head just for a moment.

“Yeah, man! I must say I have eaten a lot of pussies, but, shit! Hers is a fucking delight. And she doesn' have any contagious disease, that's an important plus too”.

“If she was my mom, I would pull out your eyes”. The scratchy voice of Happy appears from nowhere, somewhat disappointed. “And I would eat them”.

“What the fuck?”

“Brother, that girl really lose her shit for you”. Bobby says, because it's something pretty obvious. “And you can say whatever you wan', but you're strained to the bone for that sassy girl”.

Tig's laughs flood the main yard, before drinking his beer.

“Man, you call her when we're ridin'. And her house it's the first stop when you come back”. Juice assures placing his forearms over the table.

“Yea', and you also have clothes in her house, and she in yours”. Jax hit the wood with his knuckles, watching the look on his face trying to hide how right they are.

“Oh! And remember that time (Y/N) told us that Tig brought breakfast at bed”. Ratboy palms Happy chest breaking into laughter, joying the talk, sitting by his side.

“We didn't even know you cook, brother”.

“C'mon, shut up!”

“And tha time ya brought ha' flowers”. Chibs points at Tig with pursed lips joking on him.

“Yeah, that was pretty romantic”. Jax continues with the jokes, making him feel angrier.

“I said she's just a fuckin' groupie. We fuck when I want. That's all”. Trager finishes the conversation, upset of their brothers teasing him about you.

Sitting on the sofa under the closest open window to them, you rest an empty beer on your lap. With your eyes on it and an incessant pain growing in your chest, lash after lash, you don't even know who the fuck are you. Then, the last year has been a lie. All those times he said he loved you, they were a lie. All those times he said he missed you, they were a lie. All those times he said you he didn't want a life without you, they were a lie. Like many others. Yes, he never asked you to be his girlfriend, but you didn't know he had to do it to make it ‘official’. You thought it was implicit in the fact that you really look like a couple. Not like Tara and Jax, but somewhat like. And it's confusing look back and seeing all the shit he did for you and all the shit you did for him, only to hear that your a clean pussy to put his cock in whenever he needs it. No feelings. No compromise. No nothing. Just sex.

You take off the black high-heels, holding them by the strips, leaving away the beer. Getting up and putting on well the dress you bought for him, feeling stupid on one of these garments, you walk barefoot towards the exit door at the end of the hallway' dorms. Your car is parked there. Safe from the Sons' of other subsidiaries and their non expected fights just for fun. The only thing you want to do is drive your way back home and hide in your bed of the shame you're feeling, after listening him talking like that about you with his friends.

“Brother, listen”. Jax sits on the nearest stool at the bar. “I lost Tara for fourteen years, don' commit my mistake”.

Tig has another shot, ripping his throat as he cleans his mouth with the back of the left hand.

“I was fuckin' scared of seeing that I was in love with her. We do all this shit that has our families in a continuous danger, but I don' regret about what I feel for my wife”. He defends the point of view he's trying to make him understand. “She's a good girl and you look focused since you met. Think about it”.

The other man doesn't say anything with the blue eyes placed on some bottles in front of him.

“You ok?” Tara's voice pushes you to reality.

You shake your head somewhat confused, raising your gaze towards her.

“I've been standing there for the last five minutes, without you noticing it”. She chuckles, closing the door behind her back to have a sit at the desk, having a quick look of the medical records on it. “Too much work?”

“I wish… It's been a quiet day and I need to distract myself”.

“It's everything okay? Didn' Tig like the dress?”

By the look on your face, putting away your eyes, Tara knows something isn't going well. You leave a heavy sigh, closing your eyes just to contain a wild tear.

“I'm just a… pussy for him”.

“What the hell…? Don't tell that, (Y/N). Maybe he's not the most romantic man on earth, but he loves you”.

“Yes, that what I thought”. Laughing somewhat bittersweet, you put your arms above the table. “Last night I heard him talking with the guys. Telling them I'm just a groupie to fuck when he needs it”.

The woman snorts resting her back on the chair, rubbing her eyes with both hands.

“The only difference between those... bitches he used to fuck and me, it's that I don't have HIV”.

“Maybe he was dru—”.

“I never heard Jax talk about you, as Tig talked about me, when he's drunk”. You reiterate shrugging your shoulders. “He just… told me all that bullshit about love and a family and a future to suck his cock. And I was so fuckin' stupid that I believed him…”

“I'm sorry, sweetheart”.

“Yeah, I'm too”. You answer getting up and taking off the medical gown to hang it on the coat rack. “I'm done with my meetings. Could you tell Marcia I wasn't feeling okay and I went home?”

“Yes, sure. Don't worry about it”.

All his stuff is already on a plastic bag. His clothes, his motorbike' things for when he travels… Everything. It was painful collect them all, with his smell flooding your room while you were keeping them. Placing it over the table in the kitchen, you sit there just waiting for him to come. You didn't call him, but even if he lied to you, you know something about him. So, when he didn't find you last night, he probably went first to the hospital by morning. And proving that you're right, the roar of his engine comes closer as he reaches your house. Crossing the back door in front of you, he takes off the helmet putting inside it the leather gloves and the sunglasses.

“Your boss told me you weren' feeling ok, what's up?” He asks truly worried, or at least seems like. Leaning forward he tries to kiss you, but you pull away your face without any words.

Now he's confused as fuck, getting up finding the bag on the table. Opening it with his forefinger to have a quick look twisting the neck just for a second, the blue eyes go straight you.

“What's that?”

“Your things. I want you to leave”.

“The fuck is wrong with you?” He demands making some gesture with both hands, as you get up of the chair.

“I'm not the one who lied every time I said ‘I love you’!” You push him away when he tries to take a step next to you, with all the pain concentrated on it.

“The fuck does it means? I didn' fuckin' lie to you”.

“Yeah, that's what you tell me in the meantime you tell your friends I'm just a clean pussy!”

“Who told you about that…?” He snorts cross-armed, supporting his waist against the counter.

“Nobody! I fuckin' hear you, Trager!” You scream totally mad, throwing him the plastic bag. “I just… fuckin' thought that someday you really would want to have a family... Shit, I'm so fucking stupid I feel so sorry for myself…”

“Sunshine, list—”.

“Go fuck yourself!” You push him away again, as he tries to grab your wrists, stirring under his grip. “You're a fucking dickhead!”

“Calm fuckin' down and listen!” He shouts at you for first time since you know him. Your heart stop, as your body does. Not because you're afraid, but because it's enough for you.

“I don' wanna see you anymore… Leave me alone”. You almost beg to him, shutting up some sobs stuck in your throat and your gaze away from the man.

He just nods in silence knowing that you are not going to come to your senses right now. So he grabs his things with anger, before throwing your house's keys on the table. Only when he disappear from the kitchen is when you break in tears. You had too much contained in your heart and you can't help but cry louder than never. Sometimes you have had fantasies about living together, having some free days and getting lost on the road, with nobody close to bother you. Sometimes you also have had fantasize of a kid running through your house calling him “daddy”. But it was just that. A year full of lies and a bunch of fantasies.

“What's that?” Bobby asks behinds the bar lifting up an eyebrow.

Tig throws the bag to the nearest wall, furious with himself and the way he has fucked up. His heart is beating fast, having a sit on a stool and grabbing a bottle of whisky to drink from it. There's no music in the clubhouse, just silence, so his guilty becomes louder of what he said. All those words dancing around him once and again.

“Clothes?” Juice asks taking the bag to open it confused.

“(Y/N) heard me last night”. He answers with his eyes getting reddened, trying to hold in the tears.

“I would have rip off your chest with a knife wetted on vinegar and salt”. Happy says without losing sight of the tip of the pool stick. After hit the white one, he raises his eyes towards him. “Later I would have pissed on you. Be thankful she kept your things in a bag”.

Jax looks at the ex-nomad not knowing why he's surprised about his threats. Walking close to Tig, with both hands inside the pockets, he supports a forearm against the bar.

“Now, what?” The president asks, lifting his chin in a simple gesture.

“Now nothing. I already lost her for being a fuckin' asshole. That's all”.

“Yeah, brotha, ya said fuckin' mean thengs bout ha'”. Chibs palms his back a little bit harder, making him spit the whisky in his mouth.

“Even if we were jokin'... Fuck man…” Jax shakes his head sighing, having a quick look of the Sons' faces. “Wan'me to talk with her?”

“No. I will… try to fix it”. He coughs by clearing his throat after the hit, having another sip.

“One year enduring your bullshit…” Bobby clicks his tongue, leaning above the bar. “I thinks it's fuckin' obvious what you should do, Tiggy”.

“Yes”. Juice, Chibs and Jax said in unison.

“That's the only way to fix it. And if you don' think so, then leave her alone”. In moments like that, Tig sees how much Jax looks like his father, with all those advices and wise words. “She's not a warm pussy, she's a woman who didn' care you're mentally fucked and who didn' care about what you do with the club”.

“I know…”

“Then, choose”. Palming the wooden bar, Jax finishes the conversation as if it was a table-business to Samcro.