#either manic depressive or disassociative. plus autistic burnoutso i always have to be in preparation.
Explore tagged Tumblr posts
Visit Tumblr Blog
Explore Tumblr blogs with no restrictions, modern design and the best experience.
Last Seen Tumblr Blogs
Fun Fact
25% of US internet users with an annual income of $80-100K use Tumblr.
Text
literally HOW is my ego going to go unchecked when i have to schedule in quality of life days like im a sad zoo animal
#i pencil them into my journal and i spend all day evaluating my immediate life and trying to fix any problems.#this fortnights quality of life check revealed that i hate staring at my unorganised shoes when im in bed so i bought a shoe rack#i also dont like it when my rooms smell changes so ive opened all windows taken out trash etc#i also dont like that my options for being in my room are floor (never properly clean bc our vacuum is shit)#desk (ur back is to the windoe so the light is weird and gives me a headache)#or bed. so i end up spending all my time in bed. so i have stolen a chair that one of my housemates didnt want for their room#to make a second seating area by the new shoe rack.#i dont like how much clutter ends up a top my dresser so the shoe rack has a shelf top so i can move some stuff onto it#and (when this quality of day started. which was wednesday. some things take time) i removed all my dead plants and sorted out my new ones#so i dont have to look at dead things#so now the space is back up to liveable. to make it pleasant i have to wash my sheets and do the dishes#there's so much maintenance to being alive#and like on top of thr regular maintenance i have to do the mental health maintenance of im always on the verge of a crisis#either manic depressive or disassociative. plus autistic burnoutso i always have to be in preparation.#and if i prepare for the wrong one im fucked. if i prepare for a depressive ep and give myself permission to buy things or schedule stuff#and then hit mania im screwed bc ill over spend and engage in risky behaviour or if i hit burnout and now ive made all these commitments#which would help depressed me get out of bed and manic me keep to a safe schedule but now are hell#and or u so manic and start acting like u need to tell everyone everything now and then u hit disassociation and now uve just lovebombed#its like this constant The Next Big Problem Is Just Over There#and the bpd means that i have no emotional permanence and each one of the episodes are the Most i've ever felt and its so exhausting#im so exhausted and then u have routine chore maintenance and then u have relationships and then u have uni and family obligations#and it feels so pathetic bc people ask whats up and its like ik logically that whatever i feel isnt the worst ever#and its actually the same as last time but that doesnt make it feel less so from their eyes im just cycling round and round#and that must be tiring to watch so im always downplaying everything which is exhausting like a second set of masking on top of the regular#and like people will try and be supportive by saying things But Thats Good For You!! and Given Where You Come From...#and You Do Well For Everything You Overcome#but thats still defining me by my trauma!!!! i dont want to be good 'for a person with my conditions' i just want to be good!!!#pisses me off#anyway public rant bc if i put it out in front of people it makes me feel less bottled up#delete later
2 notes
·
View notes