#eh im not tagging this otherwise

[parisoonic]

Quick sum up of the year as people are doing art roundups on insta rn! It's been very fun getting back into truly self indulgent mainly heavymedic lol personal work this year. I don't think I've drawn this much for myself for...ages and ages...usually I draw BGs and sets with the idea that it's going towards a portfolio but all this work has been truly just for me! I've focused on lineart and learning how to draw people...I think I can see a lot of improvement from where I started at the very beginning of the year with some refinement in later months towards where I'd like to be! Still a long way to go fjkhdfh looking back at my folder of 'fin artwork' from this year i wanna do more colour stuff going forward (even if it's just whacking the characters onto a colour-card bg) they're all my favourites or the most interesting to me 🤔 anyways here's to 2024!

[crustyfloor]

I still feel as though I'm missing something when i see the connection of Luka staring at Ivan and Till staring at Luka but nobody is actually looking at each other.

I know the reason for this homophobic stare was probably Ivan regaining his composure/giving himself a check "damn I really did that"/realizing that still trying to reach out to Till one last time was fruitless after slipping up during the song but. What if he was staring back at Luka? what if he knew what was coming all along.

[icecreampizzer]

Here's a little thing I made as a companion to this thing I wrote, whatever it is. Played around with the idea of Fabby and Prism bonding...Somehow.

[b4kuch1n]

fuck it sk8 sketches from da sketchbook. get sk8ed idiot

[crowned-ladybug]

Draw Everything June is gonna condition me to be okay with posting unpolished things again, I can feel it

Days 1 & 2 ft Darius demanding to be included and "oh shit i forgot the paintbrush is fun to scribble with"

[jefferythejelly]

wait this is kinda good

[waywardsalt]

Hello! I hope you’re having a good day!

What do you think about the new Zelda game that was announced? (echoes of wisdom)

P.S. idk if this question has already been asked or if you posted about it already so I apologize in advanced.

Hi! I hope your day's going well, too!

I don't think I really have any strong feelings about Echoes of Wisdom right now, honestly. I didn't really feel much when I saw it announced, mostly just feeling glad for the people who are excited; I'm glad that people are finally getting a proper playable Zelda, and I've decided to withdraw/keep quiet about my my cynical opinions about it since it's not out yet, and people do really seem excited about it. I think totk just really wore me out, so I'm not totally optimistic about what we'll get. But I'm hoping that it's good, and that the people really excited for it have a good time with it when it comes out!

I'm not the biggest fan of that art style, honestly, and I'm not the biggest fan of make-your-own-solution type puzzles, and the controls look like they're going to be really clunky to me, just looking at what the trailer shows.

Either way, I'm likely going to end up playing it anyways, since I did tell my mom about it, and she's pretty excited! At the end of the day, I at least hope she enjoys it, so despite my own feelings I am just hoping that it's good and that people like it.

[the-acid-pear]

today's prompts are spiders and self insert so i've been thinking of drawing nembone and a uh, bunger. but Im still thinking around the uh. ? i cant remember the word HELP the fucking COMPOSITION there.

[cinnaminhon]

behind the seams | lee minho

idol!leeknow x stylist!reader

➵ summary: as a stylist for stray kids, with your main client as lee minho, you can’t resist dressing him in outfits that fuel your secret crush—tight fits, low necklines, the works. but leeknow knows more than he lets on. suspiciously flirty since the past few concerts, he is constantly teasing you with sly comments and lingering stares. it’s not until you put him in a dangerous outfit does he call you out on it, and boy you did not regret the aftermath at all

or, the one where you dress leeknow up in that black zip up tee and he has you get him out of it too ;)

genre: smut!! mdni!!

warnings: profanity, explicit sexual content, dirty talk, graphical descriptions of sex, leeknow and y/n go at it backstage, also their dorm, also the dance practice room, eh they’re both whipped. mentions of voyeurism, mentions public sex, discussion of kinks and sexual fantasies, a LOT of bickering and a hell lot of sexual tension.

wc: 6k

release date: 19th dec, taglist is open!! - postponed from 10th :(

a/n: this is VERY self indulgent. it’s finals week and i came across this one compilation reel of angry leeknow vs his outfits and i had this idea ffsfsfssfs i couldn’t get it out of my head and HAD to write it. enjoy ;)

———

🏷️taglist : @ihrtlix @biribarabiribbaem @alexareawyn @hoes4lino @smlbch @iknow-uknow-leeknow @kissesmellow21 @icantpickabiasugh @wolfs-howling @katsukis1wife @ana-marais98 @lplondynnwoo @yaorzu-blog @still-a-stray @skzworldx @redstayrosie @inaribu00 @millseyes-world @itsacatastrophe-xo @krikalovesstay @harmony0724 @chrizrizz @hantaechan @banjjakbanjjaklurkingagain @emmxxsworld @smut-is-my-therapy @hyunjinsruinedpainting @skzenthusiastt @fairygirl18 @silencionyx @nightmarenyxx @cloudy-lilly @vampiirose @seunmong-in @chuuyaobsessed @0omillo0 @gaby105-skz @ardef38 @madamstay @need-life-motivation @inkandtension @knowytel25 @wh0reforthemarauders @stay1ngsane @skzfairyyydreamz @farfromsugafanfic

note: red: unable to tag, please do check your username and if im spelling it right in case it’s an error on my part, otherwise it might be another issue in tagging you, sorry 🩷

[daydreamgoddess14]

Hiii

Noticed Im equally obsessed w slow horses and I love your FICS soooo I just want to ask if you could do a River x Sid fic bc I love their chemistry but there isn't enough to read ABT them :(((

Prompt: After everything that's happened in Slough house, River and Sid are back at the park (and are kinda legends BC they've been through it and survived etc). New co-worker has a thing for Sid and keeps making a pass at her despite being constantly shot down. He notices River is always in the background fuming whenever he's with her and would comes up to her after he's gone so he clocks that River must be into her too.

So to get him out the picture he tried to embarrass him at a meeting by "accidentally" revealing Rivers interest in her and tries to make him look like a creep by saying that he's noticed that River has some of her possessions/knows personal info ABT Sid that no co-worker should.

At the end of it all Sid raises a hand and points to her engagement ring on her finger while River looks all smug and hot (sorry I couldn't resist) at the end if the table

Turns out the entire office already knew ABT them BC they have functioning eyes, also he's new and didn't know. To make things worse Lady Di calls him out for stalking and harassing his co-workers, turns out the entire office has been watching him make a fool of himself the whole week but they were starved for entertainment so no one said anything.

Later we get a snapshot of River and Sid just laughing ABT it back at home and a little domestic fluff.

Sorry ik it's long and feel free to take any liberties (no smut tho pls) I just miss them SM

Tysm for reading this through, if you don't want to write it pls do lmk BC I'll be at the edge of my seat for weeks waiting in suspense otherwise ❤️❤️

Hi love! I'm so sorry this took so long - thank you for your patience 🥰

Hope you enjoy this cute little one-shot!

River Cartwright x Sid Baker fluff

The Bet

“Got you a tea, Sid,” he smiled earnestly.

“Ah, thanks Luke. Need this,” she inhaled, savoring the warmth on her face. 

“Late night?” He queried. 

“Not especially,” she blushed.

“Not out on the town then?”

“Nah, just a quiet one at home. Got a bit competitive over Monopoly.”

“Flatmates eh, who'd have ‘em.” 

“Yeah,” she looked up briefly as River used the shortcut through her office to the stairs. “Especially when they forget to wash up.”

She didn't miss the glare River shot Luke on his way past. 

“Need anything?” He asked, “just popping to the shop.” 

“No thank you,” Sid arched an eyebrow and River disappeared down the stairs. 

She looked back to Luke, still eagerly perched on the edge of his desk. 

“How about you?”

“Oh, I’m rubbish at Monopoly.”

Sid laughed politely,

“I meant did you do anything?”

“Nah, quiet night. No one's got any money in January anyway.”

“Oh, for sure.” She toyed with her necklace. 

“Better get on, Lamb needs these files sorting.”

“He's all bark and no bite really.”

“Only to you. Loves you, don't he?” Luke settled back at his desk, looking distracted, “and Cartwright,” he added darkly. 

“I'm not sure if I'd stretch to love.” She grinned. “We're just old guard around here, that's all.”

The lower door banged and River bounced up the stairs two at a time. 

He used their office as a shortcut again and dropped a chocolate bar on Sid's desk. 

This time, Luke was the one shooting daggers at River's back as he left. 

“Can I ermm… can I walk you to the tube later?”

“Oh, River and I are going for a drink with Lou, actually.”

“Maybe I could tag along?”

“Maybe not, mate, eh?” River spoke up, appearing in the doorway again. “It's an old guard thing, y'know?” 

Luke frowned. 

“Right.” He turned to Sid. “Another time then, Sid? Yeah?”

She pursed her lips, hiding her smile.

“Yeah, maybe. We'll see.” She checked her watch, “Ah shit, I'm late for Catherine. Play nice you two.” She grabbed her laptop and headed for the top floor. 

“Give up, Lukey. She's not interested,” River warned. 

“You've just been resigned to the friendzone, mate,” Luke stressed. “Time to let someone else have a go.” 

“Have a go? Interesting way of putting it. I'm sure Sid'd like that.”

Luke scoffed.

“Oh come on, as if you know any better than I do what she likes? You just like to think you know.” Luke rose from his desk chair to full height, which was still a couple of inches shorter than River. “You're just another reject, you're no more special than anyone else here.”

River smiled and dragged his hand over his lengthening beard. 

“Including you then, right? Since you're here as well. Be interested to know how you wound up here, I bet that's a story.” 

So far, Luke had managed to persuade Ho to keep the reason he was at Slough House under wraps from everyone else by turning up with a fresh case of Red Bull every few days. 

“You're probably right, though,” River continued “I haven't got a clue, really. About Sid, about this place… just another reject, exactly like you said.”

Luke nodded firmly. Victorious despite his unease. 

Cartwright was a different breed. 

Always watching him, always listening, always there. 

The closer Luke got to asking Sid out, the quicker Cartwright was there to insert himself into the conversation. 

Luke hated having competition. 

Not that Cartwright could ever be considered competition. 

There was something, though. 

The cause of the unease that Luke had been able to pinpoint. 

He didn’t give up.

Tenacious, his mum called him.

Pigheaded. Stubborn. Obstinate. 

Those tended to be the words others banded around instead. 

Ex-girlfriends in particular. 

River was stubborn though. 

And occasionally pigheaded. 

Sid didn’t seem to brush him aside so easily. 

So Luke dug in. 

Tried again.

~~~~~~

“Got you a tea, Sid.” He placed it carefully on her desk amidst the piles of paper dotted around. 

Next to it, he put a chocolate bar. The same one he’d seen River leave for her a few days previously.

“Thanks, Luke. Blimey, I’m slacking on the office tea front. Sorry, just really trying to understand��” her voice trailed off as she continued reading without looking up at him. She held the pendant on the chain around her neck, he hadn’t actually seen the necklace. It was either hidden by her clothes, or she was holding it as if it’d fall right off her. “Yeah,” she looked up at last, “sorry, like I said, this stuff is really detailed. Just trying to get my head around it. Oh! Chocolate. Was that you?” 

He nodded, then realised he probably looked like a puppy or a child.

“Yeah, thought you might need a pick up.”

“God, I really do. Forgot lunch today, no bread.”

“Those bloody flatmates again?”

“Something like that,” she held up her hand, waited, and then sneezed. “Got a cold as well, helpfully.”

“Well, I can always go and get you something -” as Luke extended his offer, River breezed through the office and put a pot of steaming soup on Sid’s desk, along with a box of flu tablets.

“Amazing, I’m dying,” she looked up at him, her nose red.

“I know. It’s from Mrs Li downstairs, she said it’s great for a cold.”

“Maybe this stuff is the reason Lamb is never ill.” She wondered, prising off the lid and inhaling the steam that billowed up.

“More than likely,” he agreed, taking one of the largest piles of paperwork from Sid’s desk. “I’ll take these.”

"Oh, the great Cartwright, always the first to volunteer for extra work. Must be trying to impress someone." Luke grumbled.

"Says the guy who spends more time talking than working. Don't you have something better to do, like staring at the back of Sid's head?"

“Alright you two, I’m too full of cold to deal with your shit today. Another word and I’ll make sure you both get struck down by it as well.”

Luke sunk back in his chair, glaring at River who gave him the finger and took himself back to his own office.

“He’s always skulking around,” he muttered once River had gone.

“Is he?” Sid asked, cautiously taking a sip of her soup.

“You haven’t noticed?”

“We’ve worked together a long time, I guess I don’t notice.” She smiled.

“So, about that drink?”

“What drink?” “The one we were going to get together?”

Sid blinked.

“Honestly Luke, I feel like I’ve been run over. I just want to go to bed and sleep for a week. I’m definitely not up for a drink.”

“Right. Yeah, course. Maybe when you feel better.”

She hummed and went back to her soup.

By mid afternoon, she was, as River put it, ‘on her arse’.

“Go home, get some rest. You’ll feel better tomorrow.” He ordered. 

Luke rolled his eyes.

“She’s not a kid, Cartwright.”

“Thanks for your input, stalker.”

Sid raised a hand to stop the arguing, but dropped it straight away. River held her coat open.

“I’ll walk you to the tube, Sid.” Luke started.

“It’s ok, my car is downstairs. I’ll drive.” River interrupted, his mouth in a firm like. “Come on, you’ll be home in ten minutes, I promise.”

“I live twenty minutes away,” she sighed, her brow furrowed and her voice laced with exhaustion.

“Only when you’re driving,” he teased lightly. Sid leaned into him and he shot a smug grin over her head at Luke, who scowled back. 

By the time River had made the round trip, Luke was making coffee.

He placed a mug next to Luke’s in front of the kettle, helped himself to the instant coffee, and continued through to his office to take off his coat. 

"You really think you stand a chance with Sid?” He asked as he came back.

“Yeah, actually. I do.”

“Bit full of yourself, aren't you?"

"At least I'm not just sitting back and letting her slip through my fingers. I'm actually taking a chance. Unlike you, who's just too afraid to make a move."

River frowned, searching his pockets for something.

"Oh yeah, and how's that working out for you? She's still not interested in you, is she?” He looked victorious as he pulled a delicate gold necklace from his shirt pocket.

Luke stared at what he knew, he knew, was Sid’s necklace.

He watched River put it safely back in his pocket.

“She’s interested. She just don’t want to deal with you having a shitfit over it.”

River shrugged. “If you say so.”

“Can’t wait to see you cry when you find out I got her into bed.” Luke grinned. “Kettle’s boiled.”

“Changed my mind. Just got to go out, actually. Don’t form a harem or anything while I’m gone. Lou, Catherine, even Shirley. I bet they’re all dying to jump into bed with you.”

Luke stepped forward into River’s space.

“You need to be knocked down a bit, mate. Think you’re king of the fuckin’ castle ‘ere, don’t you?”

“Nah, not at all. I’m just not a complete twat.” River sneered.

“Sometimes you are. Friend.” Louise nudged past him to get into the kitchen.

“Thanks, friend.” He acknowledged, turning from Luke with a final glare.

“He’s got Sid’s necklace,” Luke said once he heard the lower door slam.

“Has he?” Louise asked distractedly.

“Yeah, I saw it.”

She looked up at him and stared for a moment before shrugging.

“I didn’t see anything.”

~~~~~~

“Who’s got the traffic offence files?” Shirley asked, reading over Catherine’s shoulder.

“I think Louisa had them,” Sid offered as Louisa nudged the door with her foot and came through with a tray of mugs.

“I did have that one, but I gave it to Ho to run plates.”

“All done,” Ho held up a file and passed it to Catherine with one hand, while reaching for his coffee with the other. “Did ya bring biscuits Guy?”

“Kitchen, get them yourself.”

Their weekly office meeting was in full swing, and the team was discussing the progress on some ongoing projects. 

“Alright, next on the list -” Shirley looked again at Catherine’s list.

“Shirley, could we just wait til everyone’s here and I can go through things properly?”

“Soz, just trying to get this torture over with,” she grumbled, dropping into a chair.

“It’s over when I say so,” Lamb told her firmly, taking a seat at the head of the table. “Right, Standish, let’s get this crap over with.”

“See!” Shirley exclaimed. 

Lamb looked over the top of his glasses.

“Dander has volunteered for the 1992 file.” He told Catherine, who made a note. 

Everyone groaned.

“What’s up with that?” She asked, worriedly.

“1992 files are messed up, everything from ‘92 is filed -” River started.

“Incorrectly.”

“Like shit.”

“In the bin.”

“Fucking wonderful.” Shirley sighed.

Suddenly, Luke spoke up, his tone accusatory.

"Hey, Cartwright," he began, fixing him with a steely gaze. "What's up with that necklace you had the other day? I saw you with it.”

All eyes swivelled to Luke. 

Lamb frowned.

“What exactly does that have to do with this meeting?” He looked up at Cathering, “do I really need to do this? This lot are useless, a weekly meeting is hardly going to fix that.”

“We thought it might make the office more… harmonious.”

“Is that the royal we?” He questioned, picking up his mug and leaning back in his chair. His feet came up to the table, nudging a pile of papers closer to Sid.

"What necklace?” River sighed.

Luke crossed his arms, "don't play dumb. I saw you carrying around Sid's necklace the other day. You know, the one she always wears?”

The attention turned to River.

“Such a creep, you say I’m the stalker but you’re the one nicking her jewelry and buying her lunch, driving her home…”

“If we can get back on topic,” Catherine attempted.

"What are you talking about, Luke?" Sid moved her collar aside, "I'm wearing my necklace now?”

Luke's eyebrows furrowed in confusion as he looked at Sid's neck, realizing she was indeed wearing the necklace he had seen River with. 

He looked back at River, trying to backtrack.

"Wait, what? ... I must have been mistaken," he mumbled, his confidence wavering.

“Standish, give Lukey-boy the ‘92 files. Dander, call this your reprieve.”

“Right, moving on then -”

"Oh, I know what he's on about," River acknowledged, turning to Sid. "The thing, y'know?"

She nodded in understanding. 

"Ah, of course," she said, a hint of recognition in her tone. "The necklace." 

The rest of the office looked back and forth between River, Sid, and Luke, trying to piece together the situation.

Lamb’s mug hit the table with force.

“Can someone just put me out of my misery before I start firing you all?”

"We should probably just…" Sid shrugged, "tell them?" 

"Only if you want to?" River said.

The office fell silent, and all eyes were on Sid and River. 

Sid glanced around at her coworkers, seeing the mixture of confusion and curiosity on their faces. She took a deep breath and nodded.

"Yeah, might as well," she said, her hand instinctively going to touch her necklace, but faltering slightly.

“Might as well?” River grinned, “thanks a lot.”

As Sid’s hand came down from where it had gone to reach for her necklace, Louisa squeaked.

“Oh!” 

Luke frowned, looking around as Louisa, and then Catherine quickly caught onto whatever was going on.

“Oh how lovely!” Catherine exclaimed, rising from her chair and going around the table to them.

“Anyone want to fill me in?” Ho asked, confused.

Sid held up her left hand where a beautiful ring had been noticed by Louisa.

“We got engaged over Christmas,” she beamed, looking over to Lamb.

“Who’s we?” Luke asked. His question was soon answered as Catherine moved from hugging Sid, to River. “Him?!”

“The ring didn’t fit, so I was wearing it on my necklace til River got it resized.” Sid explained from somewhere in Louisa’s arms. “We were just waiting for the right time to tell you all.”

“‘Bout time,” Lamb muttered, not moving his feet from the table. “He asked me bloody ages ago!”

Sid looked up from Louisa’s hug.

“What do you mean?”

“He,” he pointed at River, “asked my permission weeks ago.”

“I did tell you I was going to ask at Christmas,” River pointed out. 

“You asked Lamb for permission?” Sid smiled softly.

River shrugged.

“Work dad.”

“Wait, wait,” Luke spoke up, “so you all knew they were together?”

“Duh,” Shirley looked at him in disgust.

“Oh Luke, you really should pay closer attention.” Louisa sighed, handing him the ‘92 files.

“We do have eyes, Luke.” Catherine added, a little more gently than the others.

“Anyway,” Ho interrupted, “shout out to Cartwright for not twatting Luke earlier,” he raised his mug.

“Here, here,” Shirley joined in. “God, I wouldn’t have lasted a day,” she glared at Luke.

“But… but you’ve got a flatmate, you said they’re annoying? They don’t wash up, they use up all the bread?”

“Who forgets to wash up?” River turned to Sid in outrage.

“Well, that’s me, actually,” she admitted. “But you did use all the bread.”

“Yeah, fair enough.”

“C’mon you lot, enough domesticity. Let’s get this bloody meeting finished,” Lamb sighed. “I’ve got a call with Lady Di in a bit about how Luke’s getting on.”

Luke’s eyes widened, Lamb grimaced.

“Can’t wait to tell her about this.”

~~~~~~

Sid wiggled her toes further underneath River’s thighs while he flicked through TV channels.

“Ow,” he grunted, pulling her feet out from under him and putting them in his lap, warming them with his hand.

“Sorry,” she mumbled, reading on her phone.

“Anything good?” He asked.

“Remember Danni in HR at the Park?”

“Not really,” he shook his head, settling on an old episode of Grand Designs.

“She said Luke was in there earlier for a showdown with Taverner,” his hand stopped rubbing her feet.

“And?”

“She tore him a new one for what happened. Told him his behaviour was out of order and he’s lucky he’s still got a job. She told him the only reason Lamb let it go on for so long was because he had a running bet with everyone in the office over how long it’d take for you to hit him.”

River smiled smugly.

“Told you I could win that.”

“River, no one thought you’d win that. I had you down to hit him in the first week.”

“Oh ye of little faith,” he teased. “How does your mate know all of this anyway?”

“She was the one taking the notes for the investigation,” Sid laughed. “She says he was a mess, crying and apologising. Taverner told him to stop being a child and has recommended him for further training.”

“How not to be a dickhead?”

“Hmm, something like that. Apparently the reason he’s even at Slough House is because he kept harassing women in the office.”

River frowned.

“Shit, really?” 

Sid nodded, reading from her phone, “Three women reported him to HR because he followed them home after work.”

“I should have hit him,” River said decidedly.

“Too late for that now. So, what’re you going to buy with your winnings?”

“Thought I might take my wife-to-be out for dinner.”

“Excellent idea, especially since I forgot to get any food in,” she blushed.

“You make a rubbish flatmate, maybe I should swap you for Luke?” He leaned over her knees and brushed a light kiss over her lips.

“Nahh,” she kissed him back, “he’s shit at Monopoly.”

“Can’t be any worse than you,” River grinned.

[fandomfluffandfuck]

S that latest poll answer makes me sad for you. Did that inspire that fic you wrote about Sebastians body image and thr beetle?

related to my tags on this poll & this fic of mine "The Kids Aren't Alright"

This gets personal and kind of intense, so it goes below the cut!

Trigger warning for discussion of general poor mental health, depression, suicidal ideation/self harm, eating disorders, body image issues, etc.

The short answer is an overwhelming yes.

"The Kids Aren't Alright" was very much something that I wrote because it struck a chord in me--Sebastian talking about his experience with body dysmorphia always hits home for me as a guy with body dysmorphic disorder, and the first time I heard Mackie admittedly very affectionately teasing him, saying he got stuck in the VW Beetle, I was a little horrified, I mean, secondhand embarrassement, imagining embarrasment so vividly it was horrible, really. So, naturally, I had to make it into a fic.

Also, I hope you don't mind, sweets, before going on, I'm adding onto your ask with another that I got even more recently:

youre very generous with what you share, so ignore this if im over the line, but its mens mental health month and that suicidal ideation post made me think of your mental health, whats been your experience with it?? i dont have a lot of men in my life who are willing to share with me, so i thought i would ask you 🥰🥰 please delete this if youre uncomfy tho

which is related to this

Both of you are such sweethearts!

Thanks, though, I don't exactly try to share a shit ton 🤷🏻‍♂️ I guess, eh, being somewhat anonymous in this corner of the internet yet being honest in the form of the spectrum of emotion from raw feral angst to private domestic fluff to shameless shut coaxes me into being so forthcoming? Not that I'm, like, super reserved otherwise, lmao.

I'll start with a short answer again before I go into deeper detail, which is just to say: my experience with it has been rough. I, a queer man, grew up in a small, red town with a very traditional family, so... yeah. It was not fun.

Okay, longer answer now because when given the opportunity, I. will. yap.

I think I will start with masculinity here because I feel as though a lot of my experiences with mental health and issues with my body tie directly into my masculinity. I don't have problems with being a man, I love being a man, it's who I am, I just don't love some of the expectations of being a man on a grand societal and interpersonal level, y'know?

Masculinity, to me, was always presented as the thing you have to be or else. Or else my parents were disappointed; or else the other boys wouldn't like me; or else I felt bad about myself: or else there must be something wrong with me; or else I must be gay; or else.

I have older siblings, and my older brother was in Boy Scouts when we were kids. Both of my parents fucking love the outdoors. So, of course, they loved that. My dad, specifically, spent all his time doing Scouts shit with my brother or organizing similar activities just for them when not at work. (I had a traditional western family unit, my dad worked, my mom was a stay-at-home mom.) And while I do enjoy the outdoors and camping and hiking and all that, just in smaller doses, I never wanted to join Scouts. I nearly immediately attached myself to art, so I just didn't have the interest. I can't do art if I'm outside digging in dirt, fighting with sticks, practicing knots, doing target practice, and backpacking (or whatever else the boys in the troop were doing), can I? That meant, if I wanted to draw or do crafts or something creative, I was inside, and my mom was looking after me and my sister while my dad and brother were out.

That did not sit well with my dad. He wanted me outside, joining Boy Scouts and fixing cars, playing mechanics with my brother. I did not want to. He tried very hard to get me to be as interested in more stereotypically manly activities with him and my brother, and it didn't work.

I'm just more artistic. That was always a clear disappointment.

To add on, as I grew up, I was not physically traditionally masculine, either. I've cracked jokes here and there that I'm not too dissimilar to pre-serum Steve before. It's not far off. I'm about 5'6", a little taller, and skinny.

I grew up waiting desperately for puberty, waiting for my muscles and growth spurt and... it didn't happen. My voice dropped way deep (which meant it cracked wildly and super noticeably, and, of course, I got shit for it), and I enjoyed that. I never had a pressing issue with my dick, I mean, I would hazard a guess that anyone with a dick worries about size at some point just because that's something etched deep in social sexuality, but I had more pressing things to obsess over. Like, at first, when body hair started to kick in, I was psyched to see it, and then it kept coming and suddenly guys in the locker room were pointing it out and making fun of me for being a "little guy" with so much body hair. Puberty also did fuck my face up with acne which destroyed a lot of my self-esteem, too. I had to go on Accutane not once, not twice, but three times. I still have a robust routine to keep my skin clear (but it is clear these days and I'm still reeling thinking about it, it took someone telling me I had really nice skin for me to snap out of it and realize I wasn't still covered with acne, actually. And that was recent!).

I didn't have my pre- to post-serum sudden increase in height and muscle moment, so I continued to feel scrawny and weak. Having pectus excavatum, a birth defect where my sterum curves in instead of going down in a straight line, never helped, either--I got made fun of for that, of course. I remember a comment about how one guy in a locker room wasn't going to dare to hit me/slap me on the back because he would clearly just break me... yeah, that didn't help feeling like the odd one out, unmasculine, fragile, and unattractive.

My self-esteem is much better these days, I will gladly say, but I genuinely used to get sick to my stomach just thinking about what I looked like, never mind actually looking in the mirror. I felt horrible that I had to go out in public and subject people to looking at my face. I'm an avid journal-er, and I have old entries where I just go on and on and on and on about how I felt like a monster. Disgusting and hideous.

It doesn't matter that I know, objectively, that I have a fairly masculine and even an attractive face. My jaw is square, I can grow a beard, I have a deep voice, my eyes are green, I've been very lucky to have straight, white teeth without braces and all that. Plus, people seem to like my cheekbones and curly hair. My voice, too, people seem to enjoy my voice and my mouth. So, evidently, others seem to appreciate my face. So many people spread over so many years have no real reason to lie. I'm complimented. I've not had problems when it comes to dating and relationships or whatever. Yet still, it's just not what I see. I say I know objectively what I look like because I know facts about myself, but I...

I don't really know what I look like, if that makes sense? My reflection shifts a lot, over the years I have had a problem with every part of my face, every part of my body, and I know I can't trust what I see in the mirror. I fixate on things, and it consumes my viewing experience.

Part of the consequences of all... that... all those issues above have been my experience with eating disorders. I've had some fun [sarcastic] mix of orthorexia, binge eating disorder, and anorexia over most of my conscious life. From the moment I was aware of myself and my own body, I've had problems fueling my body. It's a cycle over years and years that's been going on since late elementary school (around 10, 11), where I'm fucking sick and tired of feeling weak and useless and not masculine, so I push myself too hard in the gym and kitchen--working out until I'm physcially ill, blacking out, blistering from running and lifting, I've torn a few things that way, while obsessing with healthy foods at the same time to the point that it's unhealthy. That happens for however long I can take it. Then, eventually, I break. And I get into a cycle of binging that destroys my ability to go to the gym, so it's just binging. Cycles of it, uncontrollable. That morphs into feeling too big and disgusted with myself in the opposite way that I started with, so my brain fixates on restricting. What goes up must come down, though, so with enough of that... then I feel too small again and, yeah. It starts over. 🙃

I have worked very hard to break it with the help of friends and a short lived experience with therapy (he was a terrible therapist, then my insurance stopped covering it, so I couldn't afford to go or find a new one), but I've--dare, I say--gotten into some kind of balance more recently.

To end on perhaps a hilariously on-theme note and something happier, what I have found is that sex helps. Therapy and supportive friends and good environment are obviously irreplaceable. But, sex is good, too. When I was in the thick of all that, younger with my mental health challenges way more out of control, I'm sure I was just getting away from the numbness and hurt--endorphins, oxytocin, y'know, all that.

Then, I'm sure it was added to by the fact that suddenly, with sex, women (I am queer but when I started fucking around, I only felt safe enough to be with women, I didn't think I could be out where I was, and now... that's just the way it's worked out. It happens to have been women) were enjoying me. Enjoying what I could give them. Complimenting me explicitly or implicitly. Saying I'm hot or, clearly, if we're having sex, I'm not so disgusting that you don't want to fuck me.

But, sex helps beyond those rudimentary things, too. Finding kinky people and sex-positive people has inadvertently led me to find body positive people and find examples of real bodies--people really actually enjoying themselves. Spending more time naked is beneficial, too, haha. Slowly, I'm learning to appreciate myself more. This is my body. It's the only one I have to live in, I may as well make peace with it. And I will take the pleasure that my body can give others. I appreciate that I can do that. I like making people feel good, I like having their faith put in me to make them feel good and treat them and their bodies well, like they're desired, or not 😏, depending on what they're into. I want to pull that pleasure out of them. I want to make them feel good, bad, whatever. I want them to feel in their body.

Did that answer the question, lmao? I just rambled 💀💀

[captainshyguy]

6 bc im curious and 9 bc i wanna see ur hit list /hj

aaa ty belle!!

6. Has fandom ever made you enjoy a pairing you previously hated?

hmmm, not to my knowledge! the closest has been somthing ve been neutral bout/thought was kinda silly like melli and ingo lol, like i didnt hate it, but was neutral, and now i think its hilariousKJDSNGSDJ

9. Most disliked character(s)? Why?

(if these end up in characters tag i apologise but i aint censoring every single damn name! im not tagging and that should be enough)

oooh im gonna expand this bit beyond my regular fandoms bc there are some little fuckers out there i really hatein othe thinhs gkgjd, lets do regular fandoms first though

hollow knght: tpk, lurien, tiso. tpk for obvious reasons (plus i dont really like a lot of high up characters in general like focusing on tpk in fics kinda makes me eyes roll when the vessels are right there. lurien for reasons :). tiso because people went through a stint where he was just silly himbo and kept shippig him with quirrel nd i fucking hated that lol. his design slaps though

tcw: the bad batch lol fucking HATE them. tech is tolerable, and i dont even count echo one of them, free him!!! but the rest are condesceding assholes sorry idc if they get better in their own show like sorry you sold them to me as 'ooo arent they soooo cool theyre so much better than those Regulr Clones Boooo, look at them!!! like fuck off lol. you will never be captain rex

pokemon: not a big fan of 'hehee im a cutesy quirky little girl!! chracters, like sabi or poppy like. theyre fine i guess but eh. not for me. otherwise swordbert and shieldbert were also annoying kjgskgj

off the top of my head i cant really think of many for mario besides like...idk cranky kong specifically in the mario movie? awful voice perfromace. i guess waluigi too sorry, i m not a fan of like..idk, more basic mario chracters who dont really show up in non mulitplyar games, bc they end up beign sooo known and its like. bro they didnt even put him in wonder or 3d world or anything. like if u want him to be a staple mario character to me then put him in other games too, or i'll just roll my eyes that he's taking up space where someone like cpatain toad or peasley could be taking it lol

undertale/deltarune: detanged one but ice-e. ex went through a period where he as weirdly obsessed with him and thought he'd be super important and it annoyed me :)

ok now outside of my regular fdoms, characters i still loathe include

ralph from the flash- he was this stretchy dude who was awful abt women and like sure he kiiiida got over it but it felt weak and i hated him and the actor ended up being shitty anyway.. in the same universe i didnt like either oliver or barry's daughters from the future, both were very annoying lol

mon el from super girl. i hate him. kill him.annoying boring no chemistry love interest. kill him

eric sparrow from tony hawks underground- though i will concede that like the hollow knight characters, he contrbutes in really important ways to the story. like your'e SUPPOSED to hate him thats the point, they do a very good job with it. like he's written fantastically, and i want to kill him. i alway think of this article i read about him that was like 'eric sparrow is my best friend and he wants to hurt me' like yeah thats it thats the character. like i LIKE WHAT THEY DID, which sets him apart from almost everyone else here, its just what they did makes you hate him lol

ross from friends. miserable, insecure little creep. kill him

there are little charcters i loathe more than peter griffin family guy. kill bite explode

[astarionancuntnin]

Unsolicited Lore Dump

Tagged by the amazing @nyx-knox - thank u i love u💕

Do you make your bed? EH once in a while i will flip back the 2 covers i use to sleep and i call it a day

Favorite number? 24, my birthdayyy

What's your job? im a Lead QA! i have a lil team of 8 nerds QAs that I help guide throughout the day and i love them so very much <3

If you could go back to school would you? oh YEAH theres so much stuff that im interested in, i think i would go back especially for languages or continue psychology

Can you parallel park? i dont wanna brag buttttttttttttt yes, and i learned solely based on a gif i saw pass around here YEARS ago before i even learned how to drive and got it on first try. my teacher was impressed uwu

Do you think aliens are real? THEY HAVE TO, the universe is so big, it would be dumb to think that were truly alone

Can you drive a manual car? god no i had an anxiety attack last time i tried. nono, i drive an electric car, i dont stress about no manual car

What's your guilty pleasure? ohhhhhhhhhhh good question. its gonna sound very general but treating myself to anything i want regardless of the repercussions it has on my wallet.

Tattoos? so many , if i listed them, they would take the entire post, (im basically covered in tattoos) but i can say that :

right arm has a "cute/beauty that can kill" theme

left arm is personal meaning/matching tattoos

right leg is gaming

left leg is witchy vibes

+ a flower in my ear and bongo cat under my tiddy

Favorite color? PORPOL. im in my lilac/lavender phase

Favorite types of music? I'm the kind of person to listen to a lot of genres, but soundtracks really hit the spot for me. I get carried on so easily by a good soundtrack, but otherwise i enjoy a good indie pop

Do you like puzzles? OH YEAH especially escape rooms, i had a phase last year and did like 10 of those. ngl i wanna go again, i miss those

Any phobias? spiders, i wanna like them but i cant i just cant

Favorite childhood sport? Soccer and artistic swimming, i was part of two sports clubs before moving out

Do you talk to yourself? Constantly

What movies do you adore? Emperor's new grove, in french canadian version specifically. comfort movie of all time

Coffee or tea? Coffee!! Bean juice makes me sleepy in big quantities but i find it so comforting, specially a caramel latte

First thing you wanted to be growing up? A singer safkhbsaglhabs;kfg

No pressure tags! but i would love to read up your infodumps uwu @danielsbackupglasses @communistfries @vixstarria @charmandabear

[deliciousmicroplastics]

for the ask game: every question number divisible by 3

*goes through several hand exercises* here we GO

ask meme here [link]

3. What was the last song you listened to? 

UHHHHH my itunes is saying Astonished Man by Thao & The Get Down Stay Down

6. Do you prefer drawing or writing? 

VASTLY prefer writing but i like showing off my drawings better more, i don't tend to finish and publish all that much writing

9. When is your birthday? 

September 28th, just like Hilary Duff

12. Who are five (or more) people you want to hug right now?

my cat, annizap, zoë, ppl i have super secret crushes on, you if you want one!

also my cat

15. What’s your favorite season?

Usually autumn but last year's was dogshit so spring

18. Who is the last person you texted?

im guessing my mom let me check

...

...

phone froze

okay yeah my mom

21. How was your day today?

had family dinner that through no major fault of my family's i didn't want to go to. so i was kinda binchy abt that for a lot of the day but otherwise eh it was kinda mid. played animal crossing!

24. When was the last time you cried? Why? 

idk but ive been so fucking sad lately so it could've been sometime this week during a negative spiral

27. What’s your favorite book? Or just one you’ve read a few times?

Gideon the Ninth? Watchmen?

30. What are you looking forward to in the near future? 

making brownies for my friends bday it's today but i had family shit so hopefully that can be a tuesday or wednesday activity

33. Do you sleep with your door open or closed?

CLOSEDDDDDDDDD unless the house is empty i don't always wear a shirt to bed

36. Do you like your middle name?

my early 20's name change was more motivated by the bit and i wish i'd gone with something else but it's okay, i just rarely mention it

39. Do you stay up late?

typically, unfortunately

42. Tag 5 of your favorite blogs

hhhhhh but then five people will feel obligated to read this okayok it's fineeeee @jargon-seeds, @salviasjezabel, @inthelandofthewildthings, @dolichomorph, and of course @xollos

45. Is there anyone you would die for? 

id die for my kitty

49. Who’s someone you can trust with your life? 

i'm a distrustful motherfucker so if you ask it like this my instinct is to say NOBODYYYYYY but like ive had to depend on other people for survival frequently

uhhhhh end of post here's something from my screenshots folder

[chaos-in-the-making]

I'll tag spoilers this time bc i want to be specific. Moments from the first 2 episodes that made me scream:

THE FUCKING FIGHT WITH THE FADES. MORAINE BEING AN ABSOLUTE BOSS. LIKE WTF SHE PROVES OVER AND OVER THAT LAN IS THERE BY CHOICE NOT JUST NECESSITY. but also Lan is a crucial part of her success and safety and he's the goodest boy.

the scene in the village with Perrin. The flies at the table??? Omg that SCENE is iconic from the book. And I love how Perrin's powers are starting to manifest. During the book I thought it was just seen by Rand bc he was the Dragon, but the show is making Perrin's powers sort of manifest like he's already half way in the Dream World. More on that later.

AND THEY ACTUALLY SHOWED THE FUCKING FADE NAILED TO THE DOOR. OH GOD THAT WAS HORRIFYINGLY ACCURATE. PADAN FUCKING FAIN DID THAT. YIKES.

Mat and Min sharing cells next to each other? AGH AWESOME. It was good.

Liandrin trying to break Nynaeve's block. They pretty much changed that moment from The Amyrlin to Liandrin, but I'm not mad about it. Nynaeve is Boss.

things I went huh??:

Selene being there already. No, I won't reveal who she is, but the fact that she and Rand are actually being intimate makes me go Ew. Cuz he NEVER touched her in the books, which made her jealousy all the more funnier bc he keeps fucking other women and she's like "you're mine" despite all the evidence otherwise. So eh. I'm not on board with that change. ALSO HES SUPPOSED TO LOSE HIS VIRGINITY WITH SOMEONE ELSE. IM A LITTLE MAD ABOUT IT.

Liandrin being humanized. I get it, the whole point is that everyone has reasons for what they do, and giving Nynaeve a reason to trust her is there, but it still makes me not like it. I can't say more without giving away spoilers, so I'll leave it at that for now.

So Loial just showing up after being stabbed in the last season made me go HUH??? WASNT HE STABBED?? Yeah that was given no explanation. OH I REMEMBER, WASNT HE STABBED WITH THE RED DAGGER?? thats why I thought he had died! NO ONE SURVIVES BEING STABBED BY THE SHADAR LOGOTH DAGGER. So yeah, I am a confused.

[bugflies00]

seeing dt criticism on my dash i feel the need 2 add. gnf has always been boring & ive always thought of it as to each their own but hes genuinely just unfunny .. i tried to forcw myself to like him at some point bc i thought i was supposed to as a damp fan but like. hes so boring. it numbs my brain his humor's just SCREAMing. thats it.. he needs other people to be funny

sapnap is whatever i enjoyed him in tftsmp. he also yells soosooo much but his val etc stuff also just isn't for me..

but fuck dream. genuinely fuck dream & also How come gnf is friends with drm still like Dont you know.. fucking What the fucl tjats so gross??!!! i donr keep up with dt for aforementioned reasons but im like 90% sure they are still friendly. WHAT!!

i like how my inbox has basically become dteam shittalk nation not complaining lmao (btw for people who dont want to see it bc theres starting to be a lot of these posts, block the negativity tag)

i agree with the george thing i think its also because i need content thats like. pretty high energy or at least more like entertaining than that . but hes just always bored me

im just not really into the games sapnap streamed i liked some of his lore stuff (like c!fiances or the (abandoned) plotline w ctommy) but thats literally it . out of the three hes probably the one that grates the least on me but eh

and oh no yeah the only reason i feel comfortable shitting on these guys is because theyre still full on roommates and bffs with dream lmao like otherwise itd just be like. Eh they bore me but everyones got different tastes yknow. but now i just do not care they suck LMAO