#edit: ive seen a few people bringing it up now YES dont worry i am aware that etoiles isnt white thats why i made sure to specify white

[qcellbit]

meta talk. i don't quite know how to word this properly, but adding french creators to the qsmp is the riskiest thing quackity studios could've done and it doesn't surprise me that the success to which it was executed was minimal.

adding portuguese speaking creators exclusively from brazil as the first batch outside of the initial english and spanish speakers was the perfect "soft expansion" for the server when you consider the reason for the project's conception - because quackity had experienced poor treatment from white americans as a bilingual latino creator and sought to unite his two communities in an empowering way, further expanding this very noble and personal idea to encapsulate all communities and all languages spanning across the entire world. inviting more latino creators who have likely had the same experiences and would be able to appreciate what the project is trying to achieve is a no-brainer.

it's an uncomfortable thing to touch on (which is why i've never, ever, seen it spoken about on this website), but minecraft projects and communities have always had massive problems with all forms of bigotry, but especially racism. white americans and white europeans have probably not felt the euphoria of seeing their culture celebrated in mainstream global entertainment projects as they already absolutely dominate the entertainment industry on a global scale. as someone who is visibly brown and living in europe, i've always got a lot of grief from classmates and co-workers in the form of ignorant jokes and flat out exclusion - it's an unfortunate cultural norm that bleeds into streaming due to the medium's casual and open nature, unnoticed or unchallenged by white viewers who don't want to have to confront a content creator's bigotry in fears of having to stop watching them. something that cannot be ignored by the people it's actually affecting. there is a reason dsmp and hermitcraft cosplay meet ups are dominated by pale skin.

i love the qsmp because its inclusion of latin american creators and quackity's selectiveness based on personal experience have largely (and i do mean largely, not entirely, but that's a discussion for another day) eliminated that problem.

the most prominent and succinct example i can think of is the photo of quackity's bedroom that was mocked countless times by his english speaking community and his bigoted english speaking friends when he streamed on the dsmp - when that photo was brought to the qsmp, forever, a fellow latino creator, was the first person to gently offer solidarity because he had come from the same impoverished latin american background. to me, and to a lot of minorities, that is what the qsmp is about. yeah, sharing languages in a minecraft server is novel, it's a fun way for americans who did poorly in high school to get back into learning spanish, but it stands for so much more when you're a racial minority. when your pleading in the dsmp fandom was drowned out and ignored for the entire duration of its run. when you're completely unrepresented in minecraft tournaments, and when known bigots are encouraged to participate in said tournaments to boost viewership because numbers are paramount. when you are finally seeing your culture appreciated rather than mocked on streams with tens of thousands of viewers all over the world as part of a massive project with a brilliant, engaging story.

it was obviously necessary to branch out of the americas at some point with what the project is attempting to achieve, but such a task is daunting when the next group you're inviting and their community probably do not have the capacity through personal experience to appreciate what the project stands for at its core in the same way the first batches do. can non americans all relate in discussions of the internet and entertainment industry being america and by extension english speaking centric? yeah, of course. but can white europeans relate when the only representation you have in said media revolves around harmful bigoted stereotypes? can there be a quiet solidarity between a white frenchman and a brown brazilian based on experiences with government, racial profiling, and online mockery? no. and in the landscape of livestreaming stupid jokes for entertainment alongside fast paced gameplay, these nuances are probably not going to be acknowledged.

in complete contrast to the solidarity exhibited between quackity and forever when discussing their poverty growing up in latin america, i have not forgotten and never will forget aypierre excusing his constant racist jokes aimed at the brazilians on his uniquely "french dark humour" that the brazilians, hurt by his comments, could "not understand." this is not an excusable cultural difference, but a symptom of white european privilege, and total ignorance towards what the project is meant to stand for. a smooth integration of all the world's cultures necessitates white european and white american introspection in a way that i haven't seen a lot of streamers capable of. admitting fault to such a degree and the ego of a large online personality do not often mesh well.

i'm always very irritated when people (especially english speakers) complain about them not "adding the germans" sooner despite us seeing applications for german speaking admins many months ago - because it would not be a task of simply throwing out server invites to content creators and cobbling together an animation of a submarine crashing into the island. you cannot downplay the ambition of this project and the mammoth task its trying to accomplish. people take for granted and forget that this is an unprecedented melding of cultures that would never otherwise interact and clash on the rare occasions they do. the french qsmp community being small and the french creators largely being outliers when it comes to the qsmp is not something born out of malice or purposeful exclusion, but simply a symptom of an unspoken lack of solidarity and inability to meaningfully relate based on everything from wildly varying privilege to global placement.

and don't get me wrong - i'm not excusing things like the times at which events are broadcast (i literally live in europe and have to stay up until sunrise to see most events, i think the admins do have to bite the bullet and begin structuring events around a new timezone that isn't the globally inconvenient unsustainable PST), or the exclusion of clips from french content creators at the presidential dinner, but i think attributing those admin choices to the brazilian community being unfairly favoured is downplaying what the qsmp as a project means for minorities, especially when the brazilian community receive the most scorn for infamously being the first to call out bigoted behaviour from qsmp content creators. yeah, it sucks that the french haven't slotted into the qsmp as well as the brazilians and aren't anywhere as numerous, but with all these unspoken contributing factors being taken into account, i can't be surprised.

i wish quackity and his team the best in smoothly integrating more languages and cultures in this amazing project in the future, but for the love of god please understand that the implications of this project and its impact are far larger than any streamer "drama" you might've witnessed in the past. and stop underplaying what this project is trying to achieve in an online landscape saturated in bigotry.

[askbittyerror]

Wedding RP part 11

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 Blue finds themself staring... there's no way he doesnt know exactly, and intimately, what it does... not with a reaction like that. "...need a hug?"

salty darkness09/27/2020 "..." He nods.

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 They step forward, and just, hug him. Carefully, for Archer's sake- no squish- but they definately hug him.

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 The bitties pile on, barring Paladin who flies a bit away with a look of distaste, and all give him little hugs and nuzzles.

salty darkness09/27/2020 Archer giggles, purring and flapping their wings. They hug Blue too, clinging and nuzzling- generally just happy to be cuddled.

Nintendo wraps his arms around, wings doing the same. He watches Paladin fly away, wincing a little. "...does he normally do that?"

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "...he, has a very strong sense of-" justice "moral code. sometimes, it doesnt leave a lot of leeway for extenuating circumstance."

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "Be a self-righteous grump who's very selective of what he gets all righteous about?" Magnus nuzzles, shooting his brother a look, who shoots him one right back. "Yes."

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "...good. just... stubborn."

salty darkness09/27/2020 Nintendo is quiet for a few more moments... then he nods, pulling away. "Okay." "...thank you."

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 Blue lets him go, but doesn't seem quite done with him yet.  "Can i ask you something else?"

salty darkness09/27/2020 A small huff. "I'm listening."

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "...i dont see any vials. and youre definitely showing what seems to be more emotion thsn ive ever seen our Ink without paint." "...how?"

salty darkness09/27/2020 "..." Nintendo sets Archer down on the ground, setting his cake beside them. "Hold on for a second, Archsie... eat that if you want, but don't get too much chocolate all over your hands-"

He stands back up, looking very serious.

And then doubles over laughing like Blue just asked the most absurd question in the world.

"Oh-my-god-they-didn't-tell-you-"

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 Blue may take a step back, looking somewhst startled - but mostly confused. "Um. Wait. What?"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 The bitties give him odd, and in Paladin's case, suspicious, looks.

salty darkness09/27/2020 He brings a hand to his chest, tugging on it. A glowing, upside-down heart is pulled out alongside it, tinted a bright, bright purple.

"I have a soul, obviously. How do you think Archer got made, sudden magic accidents?"

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "..." well. That left them speechless.

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 The bitties sputter and look away, flushing. Paladin practically falls out of the air.

salty darkness09/27/2020 "..." Nintendo is laughing again. The little jerk.

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 Blue.exe may still be processing this... [11:51 PM] "..." they should look away. All they can manage is a weak, "how?"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 Paladin absolutely fucking glares and Magnus pauses, rips off his boot, and long distance beans him in the head with it.

salty darkness09/27/2020 He still laughs a little under his breath, wiping tears from his eyes. "Well, I didn't have it originally, obviously. Got it while I was... occupied. And stuck. Somewhere. After a certain incident. Then found and obtained it." "...and Dream punched me in the chest and forced me to absorb it, which was an entire fiasco- to keep things short and sweet, magic bullshittery."

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "..." "Our Ink's paints arent working right anymore. But, i... dont think that solution will work for him." [11:56 PM] A sigh, and they nuzzle Magnus again, softly whispering, "good shot, love."

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 “Huh, okay-” Magnus shrieks as he is suddenly yanked from his biggie by his snarling brother, clawing and biting at him as the pair vanish somewhere private to ‘talk’.

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 ".........crap-"

salty darkness09/27/2020 "..." "Did I cause something?"

with-bells-upon09/27/2020 "..." "If i say no, is there any chsnce youll believe me?"

Askbittyerror09/27/2020 "They just..." Domino sighs, massaging his temples. "Need a minute. And likely some healing when they get back." "Should I go yell at them?" Mercury asks his grandpa. "No." Domino pats him. "Just let them sort it out."(edited) September 28, 2020

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." "Im gonna throw my own shoe at hin next time." Blue mutters,  clearly not liking this, but pretty sure Domino is right, but- -but they want to follow. badly.

salty darkness09/28/2020 Archer looks up from where they had been stuffing cake in their mouth, babbling and getting chocolate all over their fancy coat. Nintendo sits down beside them, curling a wing around so his smol can nom in peace. "...sooooo. Any other questions, or was the knowledge that I can feel and have emotions in general good enough?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Mercury raises his hand. "So are we brothers or..."

salty darkness09/28/2020 "Yes. Sure. We are brothers. Whatever keeps you from being sad or something."

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "YAY!" Mercury cheers. "NEW SIBLING!"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...can I worry about m-?" a flash of very pale gold, some distance above, and a rather harried looking Paladin, roughly ten inches tall, with very, very pale wings, is soon flying towards Nintendo.

salty darkness09/28/2020 Nintendo lifts his head, making a high-pitched noise of alarm. He folds his wings around Archer, protecting the smol. "..." Then he looks at the Paladin again. "Fluffdad?"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 relief, as he spots his son, quickly winging down to him. "-okay, you're okay. good... arm, please."

salty darkness09/28/2020 "..." He holds out his arm. "Uh, why?"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 He lands, with practiced ease, looking over the other with concern. "why the frick did I feel your emotions doing the fudging cha-ch-" he pauses, looking mildly confused at the words coming out of his mouth.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Fresh grins from inside his safety pocket.

salty darkness09/28/2020 "..." Nintendo narrows his eyes, giving Coryn a pap on the head. "It's fine. There's just a censoring frick around here, apparently." "...what were you asking?"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...um." he shakes his head, and looks back at Nintendo for a long moment, papping his cheek lightly. "I felt your emotions all over the place from the kids' retreat. What happened? Are you okay?"

salty darkness09/28/2020 "...yeah. I'm... fine." he uncurls his wings, and Archer flops down on the ground, the cake smashed to smithereens, remains of it smeared all over their hands and face. "We were just... talking about Black 2.0. And what it does." "...bad memories and... stuff."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." Coryn pats him softly, not pressing further. "Okay." He agrees, pausing as he finally notices the other bitties. He stares.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Hi!" Mercury waves.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 A slow wave back, vaguely baffled. "...Hi." "...um. I'm Coryn. nice to meet you?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Nice to meet you too!" Mercury vibrates. "Your son is my brother now!"

salty darkness09/28/2020 Nintendo mutters something about explaining after the wedding.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "Um. Okay." His expression meanwhile is asking why the hell a nightshade bitty is being so sweet and welcoming.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Can I hug you?" Mercury asks. "I like hugs! Hugs are nice!"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Coryn makes a small sound of alarm, stepping back and nearly falling off his son's arm. "W-why?"

salty darkness09/28/2020 "...he's a cuddly bitty, dad. It's not that deep."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." "Have you met! Your uncle!"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "You look soft and nice!" Mercury smiles.

salty darkness09/28/2020 Nintendo grins. "He is! You should hug him. He's really cuddly and open to hugs." [11:59 AM] "...and I don't care about my uncle."

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "I hug only if he's okay with it!" Mercury declares, hands on his hips.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." He steadies himself, looking at Mercury in something like confusion, but less alarm. "You... actually want to hug? If my brother said something like that to someone, they'd be about to die. horribly." "...my wings won't hurt you?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "I don't kill people unless they're horrible abusive jerkfaces!" Mercury smiles brightly. "And it only hurts with prolonged contact or if you actually want to hurt me."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...no, I dont-" "my. magic probably isn't strong enough to-" He falls silent, then agrees, somewhat hesitantly, "sure. hugs." he offers his arms to the... very, friendly corrupted nightmare. and hopes that Braithe stays with the kids.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Mercury looks absolutely ecstatic and swings himself over, giving the Paladin a gentle hug, loose enough for him to escape if he wants to. "Thank you!!!"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 A brief, startled half flap of his wings... then slowly he puts his arms around the other. Still half expecting attack, but giving the benefit of the doubt.(edited)

salty darkness09/28/2020 Archer babbles, reaching up to try and hug the bitties as well. Nintendo moves his arm so they can wrap their arms around and snuggle. "..." "Thanks for the blackmail, dad."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...huh?" please explain. fluff dad's processing ability is currently running at half speed.

salty darkness09/28/2020 "Did I stutter?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Mercury is over the moon, so much cuddles, including baby ones? This is the best day ever!

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Blank look... then, he hugs a little more, even closing his eyes. He looks, content, slowly relaxing. He can't remember the last time-

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Mercury nuzzles him, purring softly, tentacles doing a happy wiggle-waggle.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 A faint, shaky purr... he starts to shift his wings, instinctively wanting to offer wing hugs, but still them almost instantly. No, nope. Not even with his low magic. "...okay. you, i like. you're nice."(edited)

salty darkness09/28/2020 Archer flaps their wings, giggling and purring as well. Cuddles! Cuddles for all! Except Nintendo. He's just watching everyone cuddle. And holding the bitties on his arm.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "I like you too!" Mercury is delighted. "You are also nice!"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 After an extended moment, Coryn let's go again... but he's smiling. "I like your new brother." He tells Nintendo, before using his wing to lightly boop Archer's nose. "you too, cutie."

salty darkness09/28/2020 Archer bats at Coryn's hands, looking very proud of themselves. "...yeah. I suppose he is pretty cool."

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Immense Mercury-based pride.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...so that's the only thing that had you upset?" Coryn presses gently, attention returned to Nintendo. He knows his son better than that.

salty darkness09/28/2020 "Uh..." Nintendo looks away. "Yeah. It was."

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "My dad offered to be his dad too." Mercury helpfully offers. "And also my uncle got upset about it and dragged Dad off to hopefully just yell at him."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." gears seem to be turning in Coryn's mind, and he looks wary again. "okay, awhile I want to know why he was upset about it, I'd also like to know whether I should intervene. mostly because if there's a big enough fight, Braithe will find a way to join it... and while I love my brother, I wouldnt wish his attention on anyone but my worst enemies."

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Uncle Pal disagreed with some of new awesome sibling's actions." Mercury shrugs, then frowns, looking thoughtful. "Well, it has been awhile... They usually don't take this long."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." "I'm gonna go look for them." Coryn mutters, uneasy.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "I'm coming with." Mercury says. "I can hold back Uncle Pal pretty good and neither of them will hurt me." "Please don't do anything stupid." Jabber sighs. "I won't, my darling beautiful beloved sweetheart." Mercury smiles at Jabber's immediate flush. "Promise."

salty darkness09/28/2020 "..." Nintendo laughs rather nervously. "You, uh. Don't want to hear what those actions were? Just in case? So you don't come back and yell at me later?"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...please-" Blue doesn't know what to say. Normally they'd have run after the two themself, but aren't willing to consign the rest of their family to the floor in an unfamiliar place. "-just, be careful. all around." Coryn gives Nintendo a small frown. "-have I ever yelled at you? Once?"

salty darkness09/28/2020 "...no-but-depending-on-how-much-you-care-about-Lark-you-might??"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "...I care about Lark. he's Uriah's biggie, and also your step brother. but I hardly think that's going to change my tendency to raise my voice." Soft paps. "-we'll talk about this when we get back. But you're my son. Even if you did mess up, that's not going to change, understand?"

salty darkness09/28/2020 A nod. "Okay." "...sorry in advance."

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 "..." a nod, and then he offers his hand to Mercury. chase by wing, or teleport?"

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 "Teleport." Mercury takes it. "I can kinda feel where they are. Want me to do it?"

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 A nod. "You lead. My magic's a bit fickle."(edited)

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Mercury focuses and yanks them away to a dark corner. Magnus is on the ground, leaking Marrow heavily, kicking up at his brother and growling, teeth sunk into his arm. Paladin snarls, sword stabbed through Magnus’ shirt and going steadily deeper.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Without a second thought Coryn let's go of Mercury, teleporting behind Paladin and snapping out one golden 'tendril' to wrap around his neck, offering zero forewarning, or even a sound.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 ...he intends to pull, a solid, even, jerk... away from Magnus.

Askbittyerror09/28/2020 Paladin growls and his sword is yanked from his brother’s chest, swung back to try and slice through whatever is holding him. Mercury darts forward, a too sharp smile on his face, and his tentacles wrap around the arm, the blade and Paladin’s waist, tearing the sword from his hand and flinging his uncle very hard into the wall. A chunk of bone is ripped from Paladin’s arm, the gash leaking dark-stained gold, and Magnus spits out the mouthful of dust and a glob of black, more leaking from between his teeth. He stands, legs quivering, back hunched and snarling viciously.

with-bells-upon09/28/2020 Black tendrils shoot from the shadow behind where Paladin falls, wrapping around every last bit of bone they can grab, and holding tight. Tight enough to make bone creak... even as Coryn watches Magnus, wary about whether he'll be attacked by the other as well. [3:29 PM] an icy aqua eye watches as well, silent.(edited)

JusticeMom09/28/2020 Dragon slides down the hall towards where they sense tiny angry auras flaring breathing hard as they race to make it in time

[find-the-eyes]

I’ll Try Anything Once: Chapter 36

Written by: Sol, Allegra Edited by: Beth, Allegra, Sol

“Nick, calm down.”

Nick felt a hand on his leg once again and opened his eyes to see that he was furiously kicking and thrashing. The only difference from last time was that this kicking and thrashing wasn’t purposeful, and it didn’t feel good at all. And it wouldn’t stop. Nick did everything in his power to calm his flailing legs, but he couldn’t. He had never felt so helpless. His arms thrashed out at his sides. Where was Alex? He arched off the bed, gagging as his breathing tube shifted. His blanket came undone and dropped to the floor. He felt himself sliding towards the edge of the bed to join it.

“Nick!” He felt hands on both of his legs now, and a hand on either arm. Through his half-lidded eyes he saw three nurses, doing their best to restrain him as his legs kicked out and convulsed wildly. His arms thrashed violently now, the IVs in his forearms nearly ripping out of his skin. After a few minutes, Nick felt his body slowing down, suddenly crashing from his wild attack. His head lolled to the side as he felt hands adjusting his breathing tube, gently bringing him back to reality. His head was spinning and he couldn’t stop tears escaping from his eyes.

Two of the nurses talked in hushed voices at the doorway, glancing back at Nick occasionally. Finally, after a few moments, they returned to Nick’s side.

“You’re going to have a brain scan later,” the blonde nurse said. “We need you awake for it, so we’re going to take you off the sedatives for now.”

Nick couldn't even find the strength to nod, so he simply looked at her, hoping she understood.

She put the communication board on Nick’s lap. “Would you like to do anything while we’re waiting to do the brain scan? Your friends are art students, right? Would you like to draw?”

Yes.

“Alright, I’ll be right back.”

Don’t leave. Don’t leave.

“Ah…” She glanced around the room and spotted the notebook that was still sitting on the counter from when Alex was writing in it a few days before. “Is this ok?”

Yes. Thank you.

Nick held the notebook close, and as soon as the nurse left he opened it to a blank page. He grabbed the pen next to him and just started writing. He didn’t know where the words were coming from, but they needed to get out. His arms jerked and twitched as he wrote, but he tried to fight it. This was important.

When he finished, he folded the letter with shaky hands and laid it on the bedside table, not even bothering to read it over. He had barely placed the pen on the table before his head fell back and he drifted off to sleep, all of his energy gone. All he could hope was that Alex would understand.

A couple of hours later, Nick awoke to a hand on his arm and a gentle voice calling his name. He opened his eyes slowly to the information that they were taking him back for the brain scan. His leg kicked out again.

“It won’t hurt, and it won’t take long,” the nurse reassured him. Nick closed his eyes again, trying to believe her.

—

Alex found the neurology office fairly easily. It was a small room in a distant hallway, far from anything Alex had seen in the hospital before. So many people are suffering here. Is Nick one of the worst? Alex shook the thought and entered the small office when he was called.

“Hi, Alex,” the doctor said when he went in. Her calming energy immediately made Alex feel more at ease.

Alex greeted her and sat down at the desk, not knowing what to say. “Is Nick alright?” he finally managed, fiddling with one of the pens on the desk.

“Well, it doesn’t appear that the kicking and thrashing were anything more than a bad reaction to the sedatives. His reaction increased when they gave him more, and so on.”

“Why did he react like that?”

“Here.” The doctor showed Alex the scan of Nick’s brain. “He has a bit of damage to the language processing and speech areas of his brain, as well as some executive functions like decision making and general cognition. Has he ever mentioned that to you?”

“Yeah, actually,” Alex realized, “he had a different lung injury before all of this and said he had some brain damage from a lack of oxygen.”

“That explains it, then. Does he act normal, usually?”

Alex thought for a moment. “He does have some unusual behaviors, but… he doesn’t need to be normal. He’s perfect to me.”

“Unusual behaviors?” The doctor leaned closer to Alex. “Can you tell me what you mean?”

“Uhh…” Alex felt uncomfortable talking about Nick’s issues with a complete stranger, when he wasn’t there to speak up for himself. “Well, he has bad dreams a lot...he’s stolen some things before...he has trouble reading and speaking, and he doesn’t always make eye contact when he’s talking to someone new.” Alex paused, then continued with a sigh. “Nick told me that it all started with the initial brain damage that he got from being shot. He doesn’t really have any physical issues, though.”

The doctor nodded. “All of that definitely could be connected to how he reacted. We think the thrashing was caused by a reaction with the part of his brain that controls movement. Rather than turning off, like it usually does with sedatives, it tried to reject them. Because of that, his body didn’t want to accept the sedatives.”

“Oh…” Alex nodded along thoughtfully and pretended to understand what the neurologist was telling him.

“The good news is that he’s been off the sedatives for a few hours now and he’s doing perfectly fine! You’re allowed to go see him now, if you’d like.”

Alex beamed and thanked the neurologist as he left the small office.

—

Alex walked into Nick’s room to find him fast asleep. He smiled when he saw that the IV giving him sedatives had been removed. He walked over to Nick and brushed the hair off his forehead. Nick stirred at the touch and his eyes lit up when he realized that it was Alex. He lifted his right arm and stretched it out as far as he could, smacking his palm against the bedside table. Alex blinked in confusion for a moment before he noticed the folded paper atop the table. “Is this for me?” he asked. Nick gave him a weak thumbs up of approval.

At that moment, a nurse rushed in, saying something about needing to check on Nick. She rushed Alex out of the room before he could even ask Nick about the piece of paper.

Once he was alone in the hallway, Alex unfolded the piece of paper. He held it gently, trying to decipher Nick’s messy handwriting.

--

A lex

Thank you so much for putting up with me Im sory you have to see me like this It hurts a lot so bad and Im scared but pleas dont worry I cant wait to go home and pet Steckrübe again and Play music again but not do anyt hin g dumb this time Because I Ive learned now maybe I shouldnt stage dive until they tell me its okay

But right now it hurts I want to go home but they wont let me I want t o get up but they won’t let me I Miss being able to speak I dont feel like I have a body anmore it just hurts so much But  when youre here I forget You make me happy  Please bring Steck next time I miss him

I’m sorry I didn't listen to you I feel like a bad Flatmate Im sory I cant do anthing to help you out

Im scared I wont get better it Hurts it hurts and I dont know why it hurts so much I still cant breathe Im Scared I wont be able to

My body is kicking thrashing I cant stop it wont stop Im so   tired but I cant sleep it wont Help Im terrified

You saved me

I want to be with you Im sorry I couldnt tell you that niht  it hurt too bad I want to be yours

I love you so much Alex Ive loved you from the first night you Visited me at the prisonn You accept me ffor who I am and you ne ver get mad at me Evn when I deserve it I deseve it 

Thank you Than k you Thank you for saving me I love you I love you I love you Alex I love you

--

Alex braced himself against the wall, trembling as he clutched the paper. Nick loves me. He meant it the other day. And I didn’t listen.

Alex folded the piece of paper again and ran back into the room as soon as the nurse left. The heart monitor started beeping faster than Alex had ever seen it beep before as he approached Nick’s bed. He laughed softly and believed for a moment that Nick was giving a small smile as well. Was he? Maybe it was just the lighting. Alex ignored the beeping and held Nick’s hand. “I love you too,” he said softly. “So much. And you're going to get better.” Alex ran a hand through Nick’s hair. “And I’m sorry for trying to talk about our relationship when you were in so much pain. I should have known better.” Nick started furiously tapping the I love you box on his board, blinking back tears as he looked up at Alex.

Suddenly, a nurse rushed into the room. “Is everything alright in here?” she asked, obviously concerned by the sudden, rapid beeping. Alex dropped Nick’s hand, instantly brought back to the reality of the situation as he remembered the condition Nick was in. He opened his mouth to speak, but couldn’t form the words.

“Just…don't get him overexcited, yeah?” the nurse sighed as Nick’s heart rate slowed back to normal. “He’s still in critical condition and we want him to make it out alive, after all.”

“Alright,” Alex said sheepishly. The nurse gave him a stern look and walked out.

Nick’s eyes were bright, but he wasn’t smiling. He couldn’t. There was no way he could do anything more than move his eyes and his hands. He still had to make it out of the hospital alive before Alex could even think about the future. Was it better to be hopeful or to prepare himself for the worst?

Alex looked back down at Nick and realized that his eyes were still so full of love, searching for an answer from Alex, an answer neither of them could find.

“I love you, Nick,” Alex ran his hand through Nick’s hair, “I really do.”