#edit: had to slice it bcs the quality was so bad

[novuit]

Beer was really unpopular with the Romans because they thought it to be a barbaric drink (unlike wine which was very 'civilised' and very 'Roman') so the thought of Rome bribing England with a pint so he'd stop being such a pain in the bum is pretty funny to me.

[bitchfitch]

My mother's bf had a fairly major surgery (he's fine and recovering well DW) and he's going to be housebound for his birthday this year, so I've been enlisted to come up with a fancy birthday meal for the special birthday boy that's primarily fruit and veg, sweeter than savory, and is something he's never had before.

Bc I'm making watermelington. It's beef Wellington, but watermelon. bc my mom only found out recently you can use watermelon as a tuna substitute. And I know that you can substitute most higher quality beef cuts with tuna or salmon.... usually. Anyways the idea fascinates her so I'm hoping to use that for bonus points.

Now he's off his ass on pain killers so I can't like. Ask him if he's ever had something before. so to meet my brief I've decided to just. commit a novel hate crime against the British I guess.

Anyways. I'm writing this because I need to walk myself through this process and think it'll be surreal enough to be worth taking y'all along for.

So, Beef Wellington. In its most basic bitch arrangement is a beef tenderloin wrapped in prosciutto/really thin bacon, with a layer of mushroom and onion mush, that has been further wrapped in mustard slathered puff pastry.

We will be ship of Theseusing this. bc beef Wellington is like. the opposite of what he wants. Which is why it's funny.

Puff pastry-> it's still just puff pastry

this one doesn't have to change (aka I can't be fucked to do pastry prep and I'm just gonna use store bought it's Fine.)

the prosciutto is also just going to be prosciutto.

Thin meat

Beef tenderloin-> watermelon,

Tbh this is a pretty 1 to 1 substitution. I'll bake the slices at like. 250-300 for an hour or so ahead of the rest of prep to dry it out a bit. bc you can't like. Sear watermelon to seal in the water like you can beef. By definition it's a very wet fruit (like me when I fall into the lake). Ill Add salt and chili and lime juice while baking maybe. this is the easy part

The mushroom mush-> salsa done bad style

As the word mush implies, this is meant to be a very soft mix. It adds a lot of nuttiness to the wellington that rounds out all of the salt from the meats. I'm replacing it with white person salsa(the birthday boy can't handle spice). Tomato, lime juice, parsley, avocado, cucumber, feta, and maybe mango so I can have an excuse to have a lil mango treat. I said I wasn't making it spicy. I'm still putting a bit of chili in it. bc it'll be better like that. This is also a ridiculously wet bit of mush, Even the original mushrooms have too much water. I'll figure something out.

Mustard -> jelly

He lives in a big city. those preserve sections are massive. I'll find a weird one. maybe apricot.

Prep:

We're in the mind palace kitchen, I have not attempted any of this. We're just thinking real hard about it and I'll edit as needed on the day and post results.

The watermelon

Preheat oven to eh. 300f? We want low and slow to dry things out without it taking a year. but idk what his oven is like. If it's gentle I'll bump it up another ten-twenty.

Slather some watermelon slices in salt chili powder and lime juice mixture.

bake for 30 min on a wire rack or directly on the oven racks (after cleaning thoroughly) if he doesn't have a wire rack. with a drip try underneath to catch the drippage. check frequently. Have one slice that's for being poked to see if it's approaching being meat. Bake longer if needed.

Salsa bad style

chop everything up and add it to a pan with some oil in it. Tbh I don't think the type of oil you use for cooking matters if you're not like, getting near any smoke points. Most people can't tell the difference unless you made your food bland as hell.

Anyways there's some wildly different moisture contents on the list so there has to be an Order to cook off as much water as possible without getting yucky.

Tomatoes and cucumbers go in together with some salt to get the cucs softening, then the mango chunks and lime juice. Once most of the water is gone the avocado feta and parsley can go in. There is a good amount of water in avocados but they're delicate and don't pan fry well, so we're just going to ignore their water crimes and hope for the best. They just need to be evenly mixed through the rest of the mush.

Putting it together

lay out the puff pastry, cut into sections to wrap each watermelon slice individually with.

Slather in jam

Take the prosciutto and lay it out on half of each section of the pastry,

spoon the salsa onto that

Melon

Another layer of salsa

another layer of thin meat

Fold the pastry over the top and pinch the edges bc watermelon slices are not a rollable shape and I don't want to carve a watermelon into a tube for this because that sounds irritating.

Brush with egg wash and more parsley

Cook in oven following the pastry's preferred temp and time. it's fucking watermelon, you're not getting ecoli from it.

watermelington :)

I'm serving it with baked sweet potatoes and spinach based salad with whatever toppings are left over from making the salsa.

anyways thank you for joing me on this thought experiment. I will post updates once the deed is done. I'm sorry to every British person ever.

[namtanlovesfilm]

axelle judges bl shows > You’re My Sky

summary: Torn follows the senior he’s in love with, Tupfah, to a sports university. Once he gets there, things aren’t like he imagined it would be.

where to watch: dramacool

grade: 7,5/10

pros:

- the cinematography, filming & production is BEAUTIFUL. honestly I had zero intentions of watching this show until they came up with those beautifully edited trailers, and you can find the same quality for this show. it’s very encouraging to see an otherwise very basic & boring bl show still get some original cinematography, and it’s definitely the best aspect of the show imo.

- I think all the ships had very good chemistry & quite solid acting, as well as a lot of potential.

- I liked some of the aspects of the writing which makes sense bc this was written by one of the I told sunset about you screenwriters & y’all know I consider that show absolutely perfect on every level. I loved the focus on every emotion, especially small ones that are usually glossed over in most shows, which was definitely very reminiscent of itsay. the writing definitely had a lot of potential, but... let’s go to the cons.

cons:

- the story feels empty. I get that it’s a slice of life of these students in university, sure, but there is not one storyline in there that actually caught my attention. in fact, on paper the storylines seemed 10000% more interesting that in execution, where they were all rendered the most boring possible. I could feel the potential screaming underneath the surface the entire time I was watching the show, but it sadly stopped there...

- the directional choices were... just bad. the actors are pretty solid, I know it because I’ve seen some of them in other roles, yet here because the show intentionally went for this very slow, kinda film d’auteur effect (badly done because that definitely works in many movies & series but not this one), not only do the dialogues take fucking forever to be delivered so we barely register them, but also it makes the actors look bad at their jobs. for me the directing is by far the biggest issue for this show bc genuinely... I’ve rarely seen a show with THIS GOOD of a cinematography give us absolutely nothing in the other departments.

- the relationships are rushed as hellllllll. the interesting part of romance is watching the characters fall in love and develop their relationship, but here all the ships just fall in a relationship over the course of only one episode, which, when paired with the rest of this show that is just boring as hell, gives it almost no redeeming quality apart from its cinematography and unused potential.

would I rewatch it: nope

For a show that clearly had so much care & authenticity put into it, this was... underwhelming to say the least. I personally wouldn’t recommend it, just go watch ITSAY instead.

[satellitesoundwave]

why is welcome to the internet on your jazzwave fic playlist im so curious 👀

ha I'd actually forgotten it was in there :p it fits so well I just glance passed it when I do playlist editing

So this one falls into the 4th category of songs that relate to worldbuilding - it's on the playlist bc it's such a great encapsulation of how interactions facilitated by communication technologies can be (god if that isn't a wanky sentence tho. it's like you can hear my cybercrime textbook speaking through me)

Context: at the story's start the Decepticons are basically living in a city's ruins, rebuilding/repurposing as they need. So there's been plenty of close by chances for people to go exploring and find forgotten/wrecked but salvageable pre-war stuff, and of course Swindle's been sticking his nose into any and every find where the potential for profit could be a factor. Which is how, in the time before the story starts, Swindle got his hands on some servers and infrastructure for what used to be, basically, a dating website way back when. And Swindle was like hm. i'm sensing potential for ongoing income in the form of a subscription service. and so gotten it up and working again.

Completely accidentally it then became an absolute sensation, bc a) this is a social technology exclusively for leisure and recreation, which is something people either have never seen or haven't had access to in the longest time depending on how old they are, and b) actual, true anonymity is possible on here, and that hasn't been a real thing on communication channels maintained by authority figures in 'con command - the dating site that Swindle's jury-rigging his little entrepreneurial endeavour out of was one that put stock in good encryption and other quality securities (think like that dating site that was specifically for having affairs for why they were so motivated in this), and so far Soundwave hasn't been able to get around them. Everything that happens on this social network is just a black box to him. He wants unfettered access so bad, but of course Swindle's like 'and betray the confidences of my honest customers, i would never' and there's not much Soundwave's been able to do about it beyond be like >:(

And so of course this network's exploded into unfiltered fucking chaos. It's still has the structure of a dating site but people are doing their damnedest to have it to cater to every social media need they've had going unmet for thousands of years. There's a message board where people get together to bad mouth the command staff. People are making anonymous profiles so they can get Extremely Freaky and/or Extremely Vulnerable. At least one person is working hard to turn a small slice of it into the Cybertorian equivalent of wikipedia, and they've decided to start with incredibly dry articles about the production history and performance of approximately every gun ever made. They regularly pick fights with commenters on the talk pages. (New social connections are being forged where Soundwave can't see and keep track of them. The Autobots have been using it to communicate covertly. Jazz's enjoying the opportunity to flex his social engineering skills)

[sinfulblueberry]

for The Sweet Birthday Boy, Chris “@crankyplier“ Nestor

u get ur bad present early bc i will probably forget on the actual day tbh ): also there’s no returns srry

y'all don’t know it but i lowkey fuck w evthan (u also don’t know that i wrote this at like 3am a few nights ago and it took me like four days to edit and finish it)

Several huffs and noises of disapproval drifted quietly out of the room, repeating every few minutes and a name among the frustrated sounds.

“Tyyyyylerrrr,” Ethan sighs and walks through his room’s doorway to huff exaggeratedly into the small living space of their apartment. “Can’t I just borrow one of your shirts, or maybe you could actually help me?”

“No, because they’d probably be too big for you-” (An annoyed noise is made to interrupt him, but it goes overall unnoticed.) “And it’s kind of your date, not mine, so why should I?” It’s all spoken without even a glance up at Ethan from the sofa, eyes glued to the phone grasped in his hands.

The younger looks back down at the graphic tee currently adorning his upper half, his torso emblazoned with several RPG character icons he knows and loved. Alongside several he admittedly doesn’t know, but he tries not to dwell on that. “Tyler, please. I just want you to tell me if something looks okay or not!”

Tyler looks up at him lazily. He eyes the shirt, skipping the dark pair of jeans that fit with all of Ethan’s wardrobe, eyes his sneakers. “Get rid of the nerdy shirt and put on something that doesn’t scream “I once played a game for three days straight with no sleep while I lived off yoghurt and Pepsi”, and you’re good.”

“It’s not nerdy!” Ethan shouts as he retreats back into his room to change yet again.

“It’s nerdy.”

He only huffs once more in reply. As much as Tyler did have a point, there weren’t many shirts that he owned that were suitable for a “casual date”. He didn’t even know if Evan was going full-on casual or just borderline casual.

God, now he’s even more nervous if that was possible. He hadn’t even thought of this. Evan had said over their texts it wasn’t some fancy restaurant they were going to with small plates for big prices. There isn’t a place in his mind that isn’t a fancy restaurant that would be a place for dates. If Ethan was planning this, he’d probably bother Tyler with date ideas and eventually stick with the plan of the local Italian place that he found online. But Evan had promised something small, nothing elaborate where neither would enjoy it. Just a small date with some food they know they both like. No biggie.

Ethan fumbled to put the shirt he had on back on the coat hanger and in the closet, pulling out any less “nerdy” shirt he could grab.

It’s only been a few months since they actually started talking; is this too soon? Jeez, his nerves are getting too out of hand tonight. His hands fiddle with the hem of his shirt when it’s comfortably on, scanning over the design and biting his lip in thought. Maybe talking more or even Skyping a few more times? Then again, maybe it’d be a horrible idea to video chat more before this.

There’s been a handful of times - actually, it might be all of the times they’ve video called - where Ethan’s almost dropped his phone or spilt his drink. It’s entirely not his fault! He’s letting Evan unknowingly take all the blame for the egg-sized water stain in his bedroom carpet because it is technically his fault. Ethan’s not to be held responsible for Evan’s good looks and charmingly devilish smile.

“Ethan!” Tyler calls out to him and footsteps approach his open doorway. “Your date’s here.” He says blankly.

“Shit, okay, uh-” Ethan almost the bare coat hanger that was still in one of his hands. “How does-How does this look?” He asks and looks expectantly down at his own shirt as if it held the answers.

Tyler’s quiet as he looks at him again before pulling out one of the few button ups he owns and passing it to him. “Just put that over it and you’ll be fine. Stop worrying before you sweat through both of your shirts.”

“Don’t say that!” Ethan complains as he shrugs on the button up. He pats his pocket to check his phone is there, pats his other for his wallet and keys, fluffs up his hair a little in the mirror in passing out of his room. “You sure I look fine?”

“Yes, now just go have fun!” The older insists, nudging him faster towards the apartment door where Evan probably stood. He must look fine, right? Right.

Ethan can’t lie and say it’s not a shock at how stunned he is when he pulls the door from where it stood partially open. There’s only so much bad FaceTime and Skype quality can do to the video feed, alongside several photos he’s seen of Evan, but Christ on a cracker Ethan hadn’t expected an angel on his doorstep.

The other had definitely gone casual, not so much that it seemed like they were just hanging out but not too less that it was obvious it was a date. Ethan almost felt overdressed in a way with the extra upper layer compared to the black V-neck adorning the other. The same dazzling grin he had during calls was also there, perking up small dimples and rounded tan cheeks and yeah, okay, let’s hope no drinks are spilt tonight by Ethan’s hand because of this.

“Hey! I, uh, didn’t realise it was almost 7 already.” Ethan almost chokes on his own saliva to get the words out, quickly managing to throw a goodbye over his shoulder to Tyler as he shuts the door.

Evan breathes something akin to a laugh and sidles next to Ethan down the stairwell to his car. “I wouldn’t worry too much; I would’ve been late if it weren’t for the five alarms I set on my phone.”

It’s certainly good to know he wasn’t the only one almost late for their set time, and he’s thankful it’s not an awkward stride into an even awkwarder evening like he inwardly assumed it would be.

“Thanks for picking me up, by the way,” Ethan finds himself saying when they’re in Evan’s car buckling his seatbelt. “If Tyler drove me wherever we’re going, he’d probably either follow me in or never let me leave the car.”

“Nah, it’s all good!” Evan waves him off with a laugh and the engine starts. “Plus, it makes it more of a weird, shitty surprise when we get there.” He grins again at Ethan, soft and sweet, and Ethan realised that something is probably gonna be spilt this evening.

They do end up at an Italian place, but it’s instead a small pizza place that only has one or two people inside.

“I know it looks shitty, but I promise this pizza is so good that you’ll never order anywhere else again.” Evan had promised, and he definitely kept good on that promise. They both got a few slices of their own choices each and even Ethan’s own choice of the classic pepperoni tasted heavenly.

“Now, I don’t usually eat pizza too often,” Ethan began after a few bites of his second slice. “But I know I’m probably going to a lot more now.” Because, yeah, he’s definitely going to make Tyler drop him off for lunch here over the next coming weeks.

“Yeah?” Evan looks up at him, halfway through his own slice of americano. “Thank god, I almost made a last minute choice for somewhere else, believe it or not.”

“Dude, I swear down on my firstborn that any other pizza place we went to would’ve tasted like ass.”

And Evan laughs again and god, every time he hears it in person is just as heavenly as the pizza. Maybe even more, dare he admit it.

“Okay,” Ethan begins after a sip on his Fanta. “I’m making a rule right here, right now, for you to take me to this place for any dates that take place from now onwards.” Ethan almost chokes again, this time on pizza, when he realises the words that left his mouth. Nope, he totally doesn’t sound over-eager at all. Nice one, Ethan.

“Future dates, huh?” Evan smirks and even if Ethan wasn’t looking at him, it’d be obvious he was going to tease. “Ethan Nestor-Darling, is this your way of asking me on a date while we’re on one?”

He tries to ignore the oh-so-obvious flush creeping up his cheeks. “Yup, totally, if that’s what helps you sleep at night, Evan.” Ethan retorts with a slightly embarrassed smile of his own. It’s better than sitting here awkwardly if he’s honest.

“Well, that’s just an offer that I can’t refuse if you care so much about my well-being and healthy sleep schedule.”

And sure, it might not be a drink he spills, but the piece of cheese and pepperoni that slips off his pizza when he clumsily struggles not to let the slice fall from his fingers is an easy equivalent to a tipped drink. But it’s worth sacrificing a part of his pizza if it meant hearing the laugh that digital audio can’t do justice and a promise of more time with Evan.

They end up getting a McFlurry each after pizza as dessert and - if Ethan’s being totally honest with himself here - no amount of soft serve ice cream with chocolate brownie bits could captivate him as much Evan has in the dull white interior overhead light of the car. It’s a horrible light, he admits, but fuck, if it doesn’t make Ethan at a loss for words and how it dimly lights up the other’s eyes, how soft he looks with the dusk and distant city lights outside the window behind him.

He doesn’t even realise his ice cream is melting in the pot as he watches Evan enthusiastically talk about a chubby chow dog he saw today until Evan stops talking suddenly to grin at him. “You starin’ at something you like?” He teases.

The younger almost blurts out an instantaneous “Yes,” before he catches himself and notices the slowly liquidising dessert in his hands. “I mean, if I didn’t then I might not be here, right?”

“Not that it’s all about looks! I’m more personality myself; it doesn’t matter what you look like as long as you have a good personality, y’know? But that’s also not to say you don’t look great! You look more than great, okay, and-”

A hand is placed on his knee and he stops his sudden rambling. “Don’t worry, Ethan. I get what you’re saying.” He gives a reassuring smile and the blue-haired male relaxes almost instantly because thank god he didn’t blow this date just yet. He almost feels proud that it somehow wasn’t ruined back at the pizza parlour.

It’s a minute or two of comfortable silence; the hand hasn’t moved from his knee yet and Evan is apparently the one staring at him now.

“Didn’t you ever get told that staring is rude?” Ethan murmurs. It doesn’t feel right to talk at a normal level, as if the evening would be ruined for sure if he did.

Evan huffs a small laugh and places his McFlurry pot on the dashboard so he can shuffle in his seat to face Ethan. “I can’t help it if the person I’m staring at is gorgeous as hell.”

Ethan feels an instant flush climb up his cheeks, but he stays quiet. “That’d also make you hypocritical since you were staring first.”

“Ya got me there.” He says softly.

It’s another few seconds before Evan speaks again. “Can I kiss you?”

Ethan only feels himself nod before it fully hits him what’s been asked, but he certainly doesn’t mind. His heart’s hammering in his chest suddenly as he places his own melting dessert on the dashboard. It only beats faster when a hand slips onto his waist and another onto his thigh, lips meeting his in less than a second after.

Ethan inhales softly because it’s everything he shamelessly thought kissing Evan would feel like. It’s soft and gentle and he tastes sweet from the ice cream and Ethan would gladly let himself be lost like this for the rest of his days if it meant Evan was the one kissing him.

A smile grows against his lips and both of the hand’s cup both his cheeks. Evan pulls back and places one more singular kiss to Ethan’s mouth before grinning while resting his forehead against the youngers.

“Was that too soon for the first date?” Evan asks softly. His thumb is moving back and forth over his cheekbones and Ethan is definitely melting under his touch right about now.

“Couldn’t have done it sooner, I think,” Ethan responds with a smile of his own, cupping Evan’s own face and fingers fiddling with the raven hair and then softly pressing another kiss to the pliant lips before him, deepening the kiss this time and leaving the McFlurries forgotten.

It’s almost 10 o'clock when Evan pulls up outside his apartment building. It feels like it’s gone too quick with so little done, and a part of him wishes they spent longer together. Though, he’s not so disheartened when he remembers their promise of future dates.

“I had fun tonight, Evan,” Ethan says. The other looks just as unhappy as Ethan feels about their departure, but after leaning over the gear stick and pressing a long kiss to his lips, Evan looks a bit brighter. “Seriously, thanks for inviting me out.”

“Me too. I’ll text you in the mornin’?” Evan looks so hopeful, as if he thinks Ethan didn’t enjoy this date. Ethan’s half-tempted to say that it’s one of the best evenings he’s ever had.

“Unless I do first.” He replies and ah, there’s that dazzling smile again that always makes his insides warm. “Goodnight, Evan.”

“Night, Ethan.” The older says fondly after one last peck on Ethan’s cheek.

A sigh leaves him after they part ways and Ethan opens his apartment door, greeted with Tyler still sat in his spot and on his phone again.

“Had fun?” Tyler asks. He’s fiddling with his phone and it’s obvious he’s not actually doing anything on it.

Ethan hums in answer as he puts the apartment keys on the kitchen counter and checks his own phone for actual notifications. “You weren’t watching from the window, right?” He already knows the answer, but he also knows the truth. Tyler’s not as nonchalant as he thinks he is, sometimes.

“I wouldn’t dream of intruding on you and your boyfriend, Ethan,” Tyler answers with a glimpse up at the younger.

“Tyyyyler, he’s not my boyfriend, okay? I’ve told you this!” He says in exasperation. The amount of teasing gone on from Tyler and Mark about Evan being his boyfriend, mostly during the ‘flirting phase’ of their messages was too much to count. (But did it still count to deny it now? He doesn’t actually know, but he’ll enjoy the day when he doesn’t have to deny it.)

Tyler snickers up at Ethan from his seat, just as he’s heading to his room. “Yeah, sure, and I’ll keep saying he is until you admit it.”

Ethan huffs and almost retorts before he sees his phone light up in his hand, and just a glance at the name makes a grin sprout on his face and forget all about Tyler’s teasing.