#edit: also watched road to ninja and the last movie

[frankieinhollywood]

rediscovering my naruto obsession as a 26 year old, a series i havent thought about at all in years but i adored as a 13-14 year old?????

its more likely than you think

[bmoviedragonsreloaded]

Review: American Samurai (1992)

“Why couldn’t we just have been brothers?”

SOURCE

This review is based on the Region 1 DVD release of the film.

SPOILERS AHEAD

The Cannon Group was on its last legs in the early 90s and American Samurai was one of the last movies distributed during its lifetime. The first of several collaborations between director Sam Firstenberg and star David Bradley, this is a picture with a lot going for it that still manages to confound me. When I first saw it, I was shocked by many of the creative and technical decisions, but having recently seen it again, I think I can hang a lot of them on the old sin of studio overreach. Still, it shines in some important and gratifying ways and is worth a watch if this is your kind of thing.

The plot: An American reporter trained in the ways of the samurai (Bradley) and his photographer (Valarie Trapp) investigate a murder in Turkey, where he uncovers a deadly tournament championed by his vicious half-brother (Mark Dacascos).

Writer John Corcoran (RIP) was a well-known figure in the world of martial arts publication, but his sole movie script is basically Bloodsport with weapons. It starts off incredibly pulpy with the baby protagonist surviving a plane crash and being raised by a modern samurai (John Fujioka), but it almost immediately begins hitting recognizable beats of the Jean-Claude Van Damme vehicle, down to a blatant Donald Gibb knockoff character (Rex Ryon). Nevertheless, I think the film originally intended to distinguish itself by being a more dramatic and heartfelt story, with the crux being the conflict between the brothers. We get hints of an emotional undercurrent, with Bradley’s character conflicted about fighting the sibling who feels jealous of his parental favor. However, in the end, we only get a superficial and choppy representation of their feud, including a rushed prologue and a head-spinning psychedelic scene where the lead confronts his brother’s demonic form in a dream. (Shades of Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story?)

That’s a recurring trend: parts of the story and action giving the impression of having once been very different. It’s most apparent in two instances: (1) the breakneck romance between David Bradley and Valarie Trapp, with an abrupt sex scene entirely performed by body doubles, and (2) the final duel between the brothers, which I’m certain was initially a short and minimalistic fight before being expanded with footage obviously transplanted from previous scenes. I get the impression that the script was heavily edited to focus on exploitation, and then the movie saw substantial content changes during post-production. It complicates what probably a pretty simple film, to the point that I don’t feel like I can accurately critique the screenplay and the acting. I don’t assume it was ever a dramatic masterpiece, but I wonder whether even Mark Dacascos’ hamfisted acting didn’t seem more appropriate before his character’s motivations were screwed with after the fact.

Speaking of Dacascos, he’s retrospectively one of the main drawing points of the movie. This was his first substantial film role and he’s still in proto form. His presence and intensity are already apparent, his acting would improve, but the filmmakers don’t quite know how to get the most out of his fight scenes. Dacascos looks great with a katana, but if you’re hoping to find the equivalent of his fight scenes from Drive or even the following year’s Only the Strong, you’ll be disappointed at his comparatively restrained adrenaline pieces.

That said, the action is pretty good. I definitely appreciate it more than I did during my first viewing. Weapons are the name of the game, putting the film in the same subcategory as Ring of Steel and the Swordsman series. There’s some purely hand-to-hand stuff in the first half, with David Bradley demonstrating some cool throws, but for the most part, the action’s a variety of colorful opponents fighting each other with a plethora of bladed weapons. The quality of the fights isn’t static, with more than one marred by an overabundance of cutaway shots, but a lot of thought has been put into the choreography. The flashiest match is a rare onscreen appearance of Hong Kong choreographers Dion Lam and Anthony Szeto, but my personal favorite is a sword-versus-ax encounter between David Bradley and a viking-themed opponent (Mark Warren). I like how Bradley first uses only the hilt of his katana to fight, then only the dull side of the blade before he actually starts slicing. It’s not spectacular stuff, but definitely enjoyable.

“Definitely enjoyable” is a good summation of the movie, but only if you’re already into this genre, are a fan of some of the performers, and/or are prepared to find pleasure in the little details. I like Sam Firstenberg’s signature gore (even though the content is clumsily censored in the DVD release) – not just because of how it helps spice up the duels, but because I appreciate how he was one of the few karate filmmakers who utilized special effects in his action scenes. I get a kick out of Valarie Trapp, who’s nothing special as an actor but whose real-life story of being a struggling writer taking small movie roles to get by is genuinely inspiring. And, of course, I love the fact that two action heroes in different stages of their careers were able to do a film together, because even if this isn’t the best, it’s not so for lack of effort. If this sounds like your kind of picture, it’s worth spending a bit of money on…though you might be better off getting the VHS version in this case, which I don’t recall being quite as heavily censored.

SOURCE

American Samurai (1992) Directed by Sam Firstenberg (Revenge of the Ninja) Written by John Corcoran (editor of Inside Kung Fu magazine) Starring David Bradley (American Ninja 3 & 4), Valarie Trapp (Mr. Stitch), Mark Dacascos, Rex Ryan (The Man in the Iron Mask) Cool costars: The late, great John Fujioka plays another benevolent martial arts master, much like his role in American Ninja. The list of tournament fighters and other onscreen combatants include Hong Kong action masters Dion Lam (Black Mask) and Anthony Szeto (Wushu), karate staple Ron Vreeken (Under the Gun), and award-winning stunt pros Koby Azarly (Sector 4: Extraction) and Rocky McDonald (Mission Impossible II). Second unit director and action coordinator Guy Norris has since moved up the studio ladder, nowadays coordinating for major motion pictures like Mad Max: Fury Road and Suicide Squad. Video game fans may recognize composer Craig Stuart Garfinkle from his later work on the World of Warcraft and Fallout series. Content warning: Extreme violence, violence against women, kidnapping, police intimidation Title refers to David Bradley’s lead character, who plays an American trained in the art of the samurai. In a roundabout way, it could also refer to Mark Dacascos and John Fujioka, who are real-life Americans playing characters with samurai training. (If you want to be a pedantic nitpicker, the title’s a total misnomer since no character’s an actual member of the old Japanese military caste.) Cover accuracy: David Bradley and Mark Dacascos posing with swords, the latter seemingly wearing his outfit from the tournament, are certainly very true to the movie. That said, the Japanese syllabery and paper walls in the background don’t convey that hardly any of the story takes place in Japan. Number of full-length fight scenes: 10 Copyright Cannon Pictures / Global Pictures

[nosferatyou]

I was tagged by @lazingonsunday and @shes-outta-sight to do one of the long tag, get to know them, type of things. Which I absolutely love by the way. I don’t talk about myself much.

What was the last thing you read?

Well I was editing the latest chapter of my fic of that counts? If not some random josh one shot a couple hours ago lol.

Favorite Movie?

Man it’s ever revolving. It was Django Unchained for a long ass time, but now I think it’s Baby Driver.

Favorite Book?

Misery by Stephen King. I read it years ago and I have a lot of good memories tied to it. Me and my friend became closer through his works and this was the first one I read. It’ll stay close in my heart.

Dream Date?

It’s one I’ve been on before but just Vinyl Shopping. It’s simple and easy but music in a relationship is important to me. I gotta make sure they have good picks. But there is something so soft about it all.

Do you have a crush?

Sadly no. But I’m fully in Joshes lane rn if that means anything?

What are your hobbies?

Oof okay. I mostly draw like all hours of the day. But I very actively keep up with guitar and bass. I write as well. I make videos for my friends. I collect old and beat up vinyls. Lot of art stuff

Favorite time of day?

Night time. Like from hours 10-3. That’s my true alone time and it’s something I cherish and look forward to everyday.

If you could look like anything, what would you like to look like?

I don’t wish to change anything about my body. I think I’d be silly to. But man I wish I could actually afford clothes I’d like to wear. Real bellbottoms you know? I want that vintage shit.

Are you romantic?

In a secure relationship yes. I show too much emotion too fast in the beginning. But boy oh boy when I get romantic. I get very touchy feely. Man date ideas. Lot of carefully curated playlists.

Favorite type of weather?

That time in like August/September when I can wear jeans and maybe a light jacket. But it’s still warm, you know?

What do you like talking about?

Music. I talk about it all day long. The foundation behind it. The artist. I could discuss guitars and instruments with people all damn day. I just. I love everything about it. But also GVF is my hyperfixation rn and my friend is ready to shoot my head off if I speak another word about Jakes guitar playing.

What are your turn ons?

Ngl I’m akin to a boy with long hair. It’s my vice. I’ve only dated long haired musicians. But I just want someone who radiates some kind of light you know? I’ve seen too much darkness. I want someone genuine and real. Is it too much to ask for a positive person?

What are your turn offs?

I’ve dealt with a lot in my past. Basically anything that’s negative. Ignorance mostly. I don’t want someone who refuses to learn. It’s stupid. I just want honesty and someone with an open mind. Anything else is a no go.

If you got a tattoo what would it be and where would you get it?

Okay so. I really want tattoos. I designed something about a year ago I want really badly but it’s so expensive. Thinking rationally. Right now I’d really like some line art of bust. Idk what tho.

Do you have any pets?

3! 2 dogs, Ruby and Nellie, both too six year old mutts. Nellie is the weirdest god damn dog I’ve ever had. And ruby is basically a fox dog. And then there is Friday my cat. He can be a bitch boy but he’s a sweet boy who’s just being a cat. (I also have ten plants but most people don’t consider them pets)

Dream Job?

I’m still searching for that. Recently my heads been floating towards playing live shows as a guitar or bass player. But I’m no where near the point of even considering. I’m pretty shitty. But how Cool would it be to play that violin bow with my guitar on stage?

Dream place to live?

Not considering any potential jobs. I just want to live in a big log cabin somewhere on the outskirts of a town. Out in the wilderness and free to just live.

Dream vacation?

I’ve never been to Europe. I’d love to just road trip around in a van honestly. But before that visit my great grandfather grave in Scotland. He was a kings hand and did a lot back in the day. I’d be cool to see. But then I’d fuck around in Europe.

Do you have any piercings?

I’ve got my nose and ears pierced. I’m pretty happy with that

If you had kids what would you name them?

Man I don’t even want to think about that.

What are your best traits?

I’m a great listener. I’m extremely compassionate. Will do anything to help friends. And I feel like my music taste isn’t half bad.

Worst traits?

The compassionate thing tends to bite me in the ass. I’ve got a lot of emotions. I also have 20 things I want to do all at once all the time. I loose sleep because of it. There is more but I’d go on too long.

Worst fear?

Weirdly enough any type of natural disaster. When I was way too young I watched “The Impossible” and then shortly after learned about techtonic plates and I never forgotten about it or where they are.

What do you want to eat right now?

Brownies. And a fucking burrito.

Best vacation you’ve been on?

I went on a road trip to Chicago recently and I just makes so many good memories. I saw ninja sex party’s 10th anniversary, which was fantastic. But I got to visit a friend all weekend. But my favorite part was the ride back. The whole time we just talked but also sang to old 50s songs and just had this moment of unity. I still think about it

Favorite City?

I haven’t been to too many places yet so I’m gonna go with my hometown, Nashville. If you look past all the tourists. It’s got a very rich musical history and in certain places you just feel it. I loved living there and it made me who I was.

Favorite social media platform?

Tumblr. It’s really the only one I ever check anymore. Plus I’ve made some great friends on here.

Favorite article of clothing?

My fucking bellbottoms. I wear them whenever I can. They give me so much confidence.

Do you play any sports?

Fuck no. I have no coordination whatsoever.

Favorite meal of the day?

Lunch. You have a lot more options. Plus I just like the vibe

What are you excited for?

Starting the tenth I have a lot of good things coming my way. In that week I get to finally end this semester, the new Harry styles album releases, I get a new bass, and I get to see fucking Greta Van Fleet. None of you know how excited I am for that. Pit tickets. Jesus it’ll be good.

Not excited for?

Finals. And an um.. upcoming funeral.

When was the last time you cried?

I honestly can’t remeber and that really scares me.

Dream house?

I basically answered this earlier but gimme that big ass log cabin.

Something you hate about this world?

Don’t get my started. I hate that everyone hates themselves all the time when they have no reason to. I hate that 8 people have most of the worlds money and are doing nothing to help global warming. I hate the man that’s in power and what he’s helped cause. I hate everyone who refuses to accept literally any fact. I hate that my future is bleak because of some old ass white men.

Something you love about this world?

I love the light that radiates off of certain people. I love that our generation has hope and that some people are actually trying to make change. I love the raw creativity I see in others and I love that we are bringing back the resurgence of peace and love.

What scents do you like?

Old records and books. Its the simple pleasures.

What kind of sleeper are you?

Typically heavy but sometimes I Sleep so little it feels like I got nothing at all.

Cat or dog person?

Don’t make me pick! I grew up with both, and very partial to both.

How long would you survive in a zombie Apocolypse?

I wish I could tell you. I’d like to think I’d live awhile but I would probably be the ones who look like they have hope and then accidentally get taken out.

Are you trusting?

I used to be. I realized recently how thick my walls really are.

What fictional character do you identify with?

Sorry to be boring but nothing is coming to mind. But then again I never felt akin to anyone really?

What labels do you commonly get?

In high school I was called “the quiet one” if that tells you anything.

What song would be your life anthem?

Sunshine on my shoulders by John Denver is the only one coming to mind. I think I just want the feeling it gives me to be what I feel all the time.

What issues are you dealing with right now?

Two friends in the last month Um. Took their own lives. One being an old friend. I’ve never dealt with death. My brain doesn’t know how to handle it. I also think I might have ADD. But. That’s the tip of the iceberg rn

How can someone win you over?

Typically I’m drawn to people who are the loudest in the room. I like that their confident and can speak their minds but what wins me over about them is when they really open up. When I learn about the real then rather than the face that they put on. Most of the time it goes that way.

What’s something people don’t know about you?

I’m making a short film with some friends who go to Columbia. Should be out soonish.

I tag

@pvre-mourning @peacelovekiszka @fretavangleet @aint-no-denying @sosozoso

[screenhilarbees]

screenhilarbees master post

~ my main blog * gif reblogs * gifs made by me * my art blog ~

I decided to make a master post listing / linking to all of my screencap posts so I don’t have to continually edit my posts to keep them up-to-date. Instead I can just edit this one! I’ve also put “rules” and request information. The list is below, read on my friend~

I will periodically reblog this until I find an easier way to work a featured post.

The “rules” are here, which are simply these: 

If you want to use my screens for anything go right ahead and do it! No problem, I don’t mind. If you would like to link back here, then this post or my tumblr url are just fine. 

I’m not going to beg, but please don’t claim my screens as your own. I spend more time than I should editing them, and more often than not I do not place a watermark, because if people want to use them for graphics, then I’d like them to be able to. 

If you come across one you want to use and are wondering if tumblr messed with the quality, then just message me and I’ll let you know if I have any better quality versions on my PC, which I would be happy to send to you via your preferred method, given I have the ability to do so.

If you have any suggestions or requests, drop me a line anytime at all! I’d be happy to do what I can!

I do this at my leisure. There is no schedule. I have some mental health issues going on and when things get tough, I usually completely vanish from social media. I also jump between focusing on gifs or art. But I enjoy doing these and I will try to post a photo set a day when I’m active, if I can get them edited in time. I do have a life, after all. Well, sort of.

Lists of Screencaps

Sailor Moon Classic:

Episode 001: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Episode 002: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Episode 003: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4

Episode 004: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Extras

Episode 005: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7

Episode 006: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6

Episode 007: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Part 7 - Part 8 - Extra 1 - Extra 2

Episode 008: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6 - Extra 1 - Extra 2

Episode 009: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6

Episode 010: Part 1 - Part 2 - Part 3 - Part 4 - Part 5 - Part 6

Either once I’ve finished Sailor Moon Classic or once I’ve finished the first half (if I feel like taking a break from Sailor Moon... which I probably won’t >u<), then I’ll be working on Yoroiden Samurai Troopers / Ronin Warriors. One Piece is the reason I’m still alive (quite possibly), so I tend to take breaks and re-watch One Piece when I’m feeling down, so I will probably throw up some caps of that from time to time if I feel up to it. Here’s a sampling of what I have available to cap for those of you looking to make requests (this is just what’s immediately available on my PC, I have sooo much more on DVD/BD):

Cardcaptor Sakura: Clear Card-hen 1-22

Digimon Savers Movie: Ultimate Power! Activate Burst Mode!!

One Piece - the entirety of this show, I usually stay up-to-date getting the new episodes... aaaand most of the movies, I’m missing some of the newer ones

Pokemon - several of the movies... I haven’t watched pokemon movies in ages, these are my husband’s. If you are curious, you’ll have to ask because I’m too lazy to list them.

Sailor Moon Crystal: Season 1 Episodes 1-9 (I’m not really sure what happened to the rest of this show, because I know I had it)

Digimon Adventure tri 1-26 or 1-6, depending on how you look at it

Tonari no Kaibutsu-kun / My Little Monster

Magi: The Labyrinth of Magic: Season 1 (used to have S2 hanging around somewhere as well... hmm)

Pokemon Origins

Atelier Escha & Logy: Alchemists of the Dusk Sky

Black★Rock Shooter: The anime series, not the movie. Although, wait, no, wait--I DO have the movie! Much less beheading!

.hack//GU trilogy: uuuhh i have this for some reason...??

Love Live! Sunshine!!

Bokura Ga Ita / We Were There

Blade and Soul - I got this recently, I have no idea what this even is.

Flip Flappers - I also don’t have any idea what this is... >_>

Fruits Basket 2019: Episode 1 - Current

Paradise Kiss

Red Data Girl

Telepathy Shoujo Ran / The Telepathy Girl Ran

The iDOLM@STER

Space Pirate Captain Harlock: The 2013 CGI Film

Ouran High School Host Club

Hyouka (this is my favorite anime ever fyi)

Free!

Kuragehime / Princess Jellyfish

Super Seisyun Brothers

Naruto Shippuden Movie 6: Road to Ninja

Sailor Moon Classic

Sailor Moon R

Sailor Moon S

Sailor Moon SuperS

Sailor Moon Stars

I have lots and lots that’s just not immediately available on my PC, as well, like most of Naruto, Tsubasa Chronicle, Dragon Ball, Dragon Ball Z, Bleach, so much Studio Ghibli, Marvel movies, DC movies (animated!), Batman and Superman the Animated Series, other Batman cartoons, TMNT (the previous Nick cartoon), Cowboy Bebop, Samurai Champloo, Samurai Jack, Star Wars everything, Avatar: The Last Airbender, The Legend of Korra, like... all Disney Movies, even Disney Fairies, and that’s not even really scratching the surface. I have so much crap it’s not even funny. Someone stop me and save my money from this addiction TTATT~~ At this time, I won’t be taking any requests for the stuff that’s not on my PC, but I will let you know when I’m ready to!!

[atopfourthwall]

State of the Wall: 4-6-18

Sorry about the lateness of this one! It’s been a rough last two weeks, filled with personal stuff and massive projects like Event Comics Month. But for now, enjoy the update on what’s going on with the site, upcoming episodes, and other stuff!

List of Upcoming Episodes 4/2 – Power Rangers Turbo vs. Beetleborgs Metallix #1 4/9 – PATREON: Diesel #1 4/16 – PATREON: Teen Titans: “Betrayal” and “Aftershock, Parts 1 and 2” 4/23 – PATREON: The Punisher: Purgatory 4/30 – Comic Book Quickies #8 5/7 – 500th Episode 5/14 – MILLER TIME: Dark Knight III: Master Race #1-2 5/21 – Just Imagine Stan Lee Creating Green Lantern 5/28 – New Guardians #3

As usual, I reserve the right to alter the schedule for any number of reasons, but like before, chances are good that this is all pretty locked-in.

The Road to 500 Well, here we go! The 500th episode is going to be on May 7th. It’s been a hell of a ride and I’m still finalizing plans for stuff to do during the livestream. At the very least there will be games – definitely the finale to Pokémon Omicron (the streams, anyway, we’re reeeaaally far behind on episodes). I’ve considered doing some Jackbox games, I’m writing up some new “Insights” and maybe get some testimonials from people for the whole thing and I’ll pick some good episodes of that and Longbox of the Damned to show off during it. I’m curious to hear if people would prefer it be streamed on youtube or twitch… or, if I can pull it off, both.

Channel Awesome Departure So in case you hadn’t heard, I recently left Channel Awesome. The full statement is available HERE. Not much else to say beyond that other than thanks for your continued support and as a reminder, please do not question or harass anyone who remains on the site – they have their own reasons for doing so and that should be respected.

If you missed it, the Google Doc listing out the specific grievances many former produces have with Channel Awesome’s management can be read HERE.

Video Restoration Progress So in the wake of the loss of the other video hosts, a lot of older videos got lost along the way – not just major stuff like History of Power Rangers, but older trailers, vlogs, miscellaneous videos, etc. I’m happy to report that I’ve begun going through a bunch of older videos and doing minor edits to make them appropriate for youtube and reuploading. It’s not a huge amount so far, but all previous trailers that I’ve made – the old 2009 and 2010 trailers, the Longbox/October trailers of past years, and all past April Fools’ Day videos have been reuploaded, which would include Mobile Suit Gundabridged and the History of Power Rangers episode on the reversioned season of Mighty Morphin’. Next up will likely be a bunch of old movie vlogs. The Southland Tales crossover will also be reuploaded at some point – it just requires more extensive re-editing.

Countdown Re-Edit? On the subject of re-editing, while working on the Final Crisis review I discovered that I actually still have the raw footage for some of the original Countdown videos. I’m curious to know if people would be interested in a bit of a re-edit, at the very least for Part 1 where the video quality of the comic scans isn’t great due to my inexperience with Adobe Premiere at the time. I’d likely also punch things up a bit by removing breaths and tightening the cuts from voiceover to live action.

History of Power Rangers Obviously I’ve fallen behind on the re-edits. Sorry about that, but a loooot of other things have taken priority, namely Event Comics Month. I should also clarify a few points since I get these questions a lot: -Yes, there will be a Ninja Steel History of Power Rangers. The show has not stopped, so neither will History of Power Rangers. The series is not done yet and it’s not out on DVD. I have not watched a single bit of it. No spoilers, please. -No, I will not be doing a History of Power Rangers on the Boom Studios comics. History of Power Rangers is for the TV series only. -Yes, I have seen the Shattered Grid trailer. It’s awesome. You should go check it out, yourselves if you haven’t. -No, there will not be a History of Power Rangers on the livestream tabletop RPG show Power Rangers: Hyperforce. As I said, it’s for TV shows only. While people have said it’s in-continuity, I have not seen any articles or press releases that have stated that. And even then, it is still ongoing and I’m not even sure how I could cover something like that when most of the footage is people sitting in chairs.

It’s entirely possible I’ll change my mind about covering Hyperforce or the like, but for now that’s my policy. Sadly I haven’t watched any of Hyperforce. I only have so much time to consume content and there’s a lot else I’m interested in. I’ll probably get into it eventually, though.

Longbox of the Damned Right now, I AM planning on having a Midsummer’s Nightmare this year for Longbox of the Damned. The current plan, due to everything else going on, is for it to be 4 weekly videos in either June or July and covering a few comics under a specific theme with a different host. That theme will be announced closer to the date (assuming I manage to go through with it). I’m doing such a smaller amount for it this year because of the heavy workload of the storyline, the 10th anniversary, conventions, and basically just everything else going on this year. More details hopefully to come once we’re closer!

Conventions Animinneapolis – I will once again be attending Animinneapolis on May 25-27 at the Hyatt Regency Minneapolis in Minneapolis, MN! This has become a regular thing for me since it’s local and I hope to see people there! Anime Midwest – I shall once again be going to Anime Midwest on July 6-8 at the Hyatt Regency O’Hare in Rosemont, IL! This one’s also a regular one for me, but it’s definitely a lot of fun and the area is full of great places to see and eat at and the hotel itself is pretty dang cool! Too Many Games – I’ll be coming back to Too Many Games this year on June 22-24 at the Greater Philadelpha Expo Center in Oaks, PA! I sat out last year but I’ll be back again this time with plenty of copies of the AT4W Movie and the Compilation DVD, so definitely come out and take a look! Power Morphicon – As indicated in the Power Rangers Turbo vs. Beetleborgs Metallix review, I will be returning to Power Morphicon this summer! I was last there in 2010 when I had nothing to really show for it other than some minor name value for having done History of Power Rangers, but this time around I should have a live show and get to hang out with some other Power Rangers-related youtubers. Power Morphicon is on August 17-19 at the Anaheim Convention Center in Anaheim, CA! And as a reminder for that one, if you can’t attend to get the exclusive Lord Drakkon figure, you can purchase a non-attending badge and have it shipped to you!

That’s all we’ve got this time around! Thank you all for your patience and continued support!

[daleisgreat]

The Wizard

Today I am covering a movie I have been itching to write about here for years. It is an admittedly subpar film from 1989, but seeing it then as a six year old videogame kiddo, I absolutely adored it. Yes I am talking about the 1989 Nintendo adver-film, The Wizard (trailer). I have had a nostalgia-driven love/hate/love relationship with The Wizard throughout my life. Absolutely loved it as a kid, when I got around to re-watching it with adult eyes for the first time shortly after its first DVD run in 2006, I realized a lot of it then was hard to watch and thought the film took itself way too seriously. I embedded an old episode of my old podcast I recently un-vaulted at the bottom of this entry where we do a roundtable breakdown of The Wizard right after its first DVD release in 2006. Watching it again in 2020, I kind of came around to digging it again as you will soon read on to see. The Wizard never got a deluxe edition home video treatment until this year. Its DVD release in 2006, and initial 2018 BluRay release saw a basic home video release with no bonus material other than a trailer. After much fan outcry, Universal finally granted access to home video distributor Shout Factory to release a much desired special edition jam packed with extras. It hit BluRay at the beginning of this year, shortly after the film’s 30th anniversary. If you are unfamiliar with Shout Factory, think of them as the equivalent as the Criterion Edition, but for beloved B-movies instead.

This is a road trip film, where through the magic of Nintendo, a broken family is reunited…..yes I am embellishing, but only ever-so-marginally! After an earlier childhood crisis that is not revealed until late in the movie, nine-year-old Jimmy Woods (Luke Edwards) is left in a quasi-autistic state (his condition is never fully explained). Jimmy consistently runs away from home until his mother decides it is too much and puts him in a permanent childcare facility. Jimmy’s half-brother Corey (Fred Savage) would have none of this treatment to Jimmy and sneaks him out of the facility. Jimmy infamously references ‘California’ throughout, Corey decides to take Jimmy on a road trip to California to see just what Jimmy wants to go over there for. Along the way they meet Hailey (Jenny Lewis), who joins them on the run and helps discover Jimmy’s hidden talents at getting top scores at arcade games. The trio decide to embark to a huge videogame tournament in California they see a flyer for and think that must be what Jimmy is talking about that is awaiting them there. Watching the Wizard now in 2020 compared to the last time I saw it in 2006 what popped out to me was surprisingly the ‘heart’ of the family dilemma the whole film is predicated on. As I stated in my entries here chronicling the seasons of Roseanne, the reason that show is one of my favorite sitcoms is because my family was not too far off from how dysfunctional the Conners were. The Woods family here has their own twisted backstory that gets kind of fleshed out on why the family is split up and struggling to overcome a recent crisis that has had a lasting impact on them. I can relate to that with my various family qualms over the decades, so seeing Corey & Jimmy’s brother, Nick (Christian Slater) and father, Sam (Beau Bridges) go from being on rocky turmoil throughout the film, but managing to put their differences aside to go on the road after them kind of resonated with me a little bit on this viewing.

Nick and Sam playing catch-up on the road is an entertaining B-plot to The Wizard. The father and son team have a comedic foil in one Mr. Putnam (Will Seltzer), a professional tracker of runaway kids who I would imagine would be a realistic good kind of person, but the film portrays Putnam as a ruthless, slimy scumbag in it solely for the money. It is laughable to see Putnam get the villain stereotype checklist treatment. Balding, slicked back hair? Check! Cowboy-collar-string-tie? Check! Always chomping on gum? Check! Weasel-y voice? Double check! During their father-son road trek, Nick introduces his dad to videogames, and soon enough Sam is just as hooked as Nick in trying to conquer the dastardly original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles game on NES. Videogames are featured predominantly throughout The Wizard and goes to show how big arcades were in the late 80s to the point where you can find a stray machine or two at any gas station or restaurant. Watching Hailey and Corey train Jimmy to get as much gaming knowledge in time for the videogame tournament in Los Angeles was a riot. The requisite-training montage scene perfectly encapsulates NES-mania at the peak of its powers in 1989. As you can see in the linked video it has the perfect training material for any grade school game player of that era in the form of arcade game practice sessions, Nintendo Power magazines and calling the Nintendo-endorsed game counselor’s hotline for pro tips! Countless games are shown off throughout. One of the most recognizable scenes of the film is when Jimmy meets his antagonist in the form of pro-gamer, Lucas (Jackey Vinson) who makes his unabashed love of the Power Glove the must-have NES accessory of the ’89 Christmas season.

Eventually Lucas and Jimmy clash at the ‘Videogame Armageddon’ tournament in LA. They are two of the three finalists and for their final challenge the AWESOME over-the-top host (Steven Grives) bestows upon them a brand new, unreleased game in the form of the madly anticipated Super Mario Bros. 3! The three compete for the next three minutes of film in what is essentially an infomercial for SMB3. Nintendo and Universal timed The Wizard to hit theaters several weeks before the release of the game, which only fueled demand and likely played a factor into SMB3 selling more than 17 million copies worldwide. I vividly remember being on edge in my childhood viewing of that contest finale making SMB3 seem like the coolest game ever, and re-watching it 30 years later the scene still gets me wrapped up all over again! Just click or press here to see it for yourself! Jimmy’s family is so proud of him that the whole family vaguely patches things up in a touching moment at a tourist attraction shortly thereafter to end the film on a feel-good note. As positive as I am on the film so far, it is all in a so-bad-its-good, B-movie way. I could rag on the many imperfections of The Wizard with its out of touch dialogue, overuse of New Kids on the Block in the soundtrack, misrepresentation of some of the videogames and some out of date cultural norms, but as you can tell The Wizard is somewhat of a special film for me so I will leave that to you to scour the Internet for those astutely valid points of criticism.

As I alluded to above, this Shout Factory edition of the film is loaded with extra features. There is 38 minutes of deleted scenes! Highly recommend checking them out, as the deleted scenes mostly consists of early first act backstory setting up brotherly differences with Corey and Nick, and also a whole abandoned sideplot that sees Corey sneak Jimmy out of the childcare facility multiple times to introduce him to the NES and becoming a pro at videogames. Director Todd Holland has a feature commentary track filled with tons of insightful factoids. Some highlights include regretting how unsafe parts of the production were, justifying why a lot of scenes were cut, pointing out a blink-and-miss-it Toby McGuire cameo, fighting to the bitter end to get his feel-good family reuniting ending and how a throwaway joke panning Universal Studios lead to a last minute final re-cut of the film to omit that line due to peeved Universal executives. There are two Q&A panels included totaling an hour and a half. Both feature Luke Edwards along with original writer, David Chisholm and producer, Ken Topolsky. A lot of good anecdotes and memories from everyone involved, but not necessarily required viewing since a decent amount of their responses are touched on in the last of the bonuses. Rounding off the extras are three more behind-the-scenes bonuses tallying up just under an hour. Critical Analysis of The Wizard is a 12 minute look at Jimmy’s childhood trauma and the psychological effects of his condition. How Can I Help You is a six minute interview with a former Nintendo Game Counselor detailing his work experiences. Road to California is the standout making of feature with it being a 40 minute comprehensive look at how The Wizard came to be with interviews with most of the cast and crew. It dissects the casting, selecting the gameplay footage from Nintendo-provided tapes, explaining the ending, making all the cuts down to a 90 minute film, dealing with the critical fallout and the belated public adoration from fans online who grew up with the film and spread the love once it hit DVD. There are a couple heartfelt fan testimonials it included towards the end with some passionate stories from serious fans of the film!

These last several days have been a ride to say the least while taking in everything this Shout Factory edition had to offer. I knew a part of me enjoyed The Wizard in a guilty pleasure kind of way, but taking it all in again with a 37-year old perspective made the family crisis element of the movie, regardless of how corny it is implemented, somehow make an impact on me and appreciate it in a way I was not expecting. Combine that with it capturing the aura of late-80s NES fever, and seeing all the ubiquitous love from the cast, crew and fans of the movie in the bonus feature interviews and it all adds up to The Wizard going from guilty pleasure to childhood favorite that I did not expect to find myself still a big fan of today.

If you somehow quench for more Wizard coverage, then check out this episode of my old podcast I recently re-uploaded to my YouTube channel where we reviewed The Wizard right after its first DVD printing way back in 2006.

Other Random Backlog Movie Blogs 3 12 Angry Men (1957) 12 Rounds 3: Lockdown 21 Jump Street The Accountant Angry Video Game Nerd: The Movie Atari: Game Over The Avengers: Age of Ultron The Avengers: Infinity War Batman: The Dark Knight Rises Batman: The Killing Joke Batman: Mask of the Phantasm Batman V Superman: Dawn of Justice Bounty Hunters Cabin in the Woods Captain America: Civil War Captain America: The First Avenger Captain America: The Winter Soldier Christmas Eve Clash of the Titans (1981) Clint Eastwood 11-pack Special The Condemned 2 Countdown Creed I & II Deck the Halls Detroit Rock City Die Hard Dredd The Eliminators The Equalizer Dirty Work Faster Fast and Furious I-VIII Field of Dreams Fight Club The Fighter For Love of the Game Good Will Hunting Gravity Grunt: The Wrestling Movie Guardians of the Galaxy Guardians of the Galaxy Vol 2 Hell Comes to Frogtown Hercules: Reborn Hitman I Like to Hurt People Indiana Jones 1-4 Ink The Interrogation Interstellar Jay and Silent Bob Reboot Jobs Joy Ride 1-3 Last Action Hero Major League Man of Steel Man on the Moon Man vs Snake Marine 3-6 Merry Friggin Christmas Metallica: Some Kind of Monster Mortal Kombat Mortal Kombat Legends: Scorpions Revenge National Treasure National Treasure: Book of Secrets Not for Resale Pulp Fiction The Replacements Reservoir Dogs Rocky I-VIII Running Films Part 1 Running Films Part 2 San Andreas ScoobyDoo Wrestlemania Mystery The Secret Life of Walter Mitty Shoot em Up Slacker Skyscraper Small Town Santa Steve Jobs Source Code Star Trek I-XIII Sully Take Me Home Tonight TMNT The Tooth Fairy 1 & 2 UHF Veronica Mars Vision Quest The War Wild Wonder Woman The Wrestler (2008) X-Men: Apocalypse X-Men: Days of Future Past

[nitrateglow]

Halloween 2017 movie marathon: Midnight Ride (dir. Bob Bralver, 1990)

“Cut the crap, doc-- I’m still killing people!”

Russian immigrant Laura (Savina Gersak) takes off in the middle of the night to leave her workaholic cop husband Lawson (Michael Dudikoff), much to his chagrin. She plans on bunking with a friend until she can come to a final decision as to what to do about her miserable marriage, but unwisely picks up a seemingly innocuous hitch-hiker. His name is Justin McKay (Mark Hamill) and it turns out he’s recently escaped from a mental hospital where he was being treated for his erratic behavior and homicidal urges. Enamored with Laura because she reminds him of his dead sister, he kidnaps her and plans on taking her to his shrink Dr. Hardy (Robert Mitchum—yes THAT Robert Mitchum) so she can be “made better” via frying her brains out with electroshock equipment. However, Lawson is in pursuit of them all the while, intent on getting his wife back. Knife murders, car chases, bad dialogue, synthesizer music, and explosions ensue.

Why isn’t Midnight Ride a cult movie? I always ask myself this question when I watch this 1990 masterpiece of action-horror schlock. Goodness knows it has everything a so-bad-it’s-good cult classic should possess: over-the-top action scenes, cheesy but quotable dialogue, mostly terrible acting, and none other than Mark Hamill at his Mark Hammi-est playing a gleefully homicidal slasher villain on the lookout for love. How can you read that sentence and remain able to resist seeing this movie? HOW?

Midnight Ride can be viewed either as a genre-mash-up or as suffering from an identity crisis. Several action scenes are peppered throughout the movie, particularly car chases since the primary setting is the night road. Some might question my classification of Midnight Ride as a horror film, considering how enamored it is with action set-pieces, but there are tons of classic slasher elements at play here: the stalking, the murder sprees, the fact that no matter how many mortal blows you deal him Justin just won’t freaking die! To be fair, the horror scenes are far less scary than anything you could find in a darker Disney film like Pinocchio because they are so ineptly handled, but hell, you can tell the filmmakers were trying to frighten the audience. Take for example that glorious moment Justin kills a woman with a fake eye and steals said fake eye to give to Laura as a present. This should be pretty grisly, but all the murders are kept offscreen. And that is a trend here. For a slasher movie, we sure don’t get that much blood or gore or much explicit nastiness at all.

Don’t get me wrong: a movie does not need to have eye-gouging or much onscreen violence in order to be frightening: The Night of the Hunter never shows anyone being murdered onscreen, yet it is one of the scariest movies I have ever seen! The same could be said of several of the movies I’m reviewing this month, which often suggest the nastiness of their killings without showing much outright. But the thing is, in a slasher film, you expect a bit more, well, slashing. Or at the very least for the murders to appear like they were nasty or horrifying. But the thing is, a lot of the suspense should come from us fearing for Laura’s life, which might have happened were she likable and not a dim-witted non-entity with all the charisma of that plastic eyeball Justin pilfers. The only scary scene in the movie doesn’t involve Laura at all, but a young woman who hitches a ride with Laura and Justin after Justin defends her from an abusive boyfriend. When they drop her off at her house, Justin follows her inside, toys around with her, and then kills her in what is truly an uncomfortable scene. In the ten minutes or less this minor character is onscreen, we feel more sympathy for her and sorrier to see her get knifed than we ever feel for Laura. I imagine this has a lot to do with this scene perhaps feeling more realistic and less comic-book-ish than much of the other horror and action set pieces in the movie. Hamill is also truly frightening here, lending a disturbing sexual touch to the murder; after he flicks open his knife, Justin seems overcome with an agitated ecstasy.

Let’s be real, this movie is the Mark Hamill Show as the other characters are mostly morons, especially Laura and Dr. Hardy. At least Lawson has some enjoyably cheese-ball lines, like when he reprimands a trash-talking trucker by shouting, “Look man, I’m tired, I’m pissed, and I’m ready to kill!” in the most gloriously hammtastic manner. Dudikoff was a B-movie icon of the 1980s; however, I haven’t seen the American Ninja movies or other projects he was involved with, so I cannot comment if this is one of his better moments as a thespian. As it is, he makes the character more charming than he probably deserves. Lawson is ostensibly the hero of the piece, but he comes off as slightly less creepy than Justin. At the beginning of the movie, his wife is unhappy and begs him to leave her alone, at least to give her time to cool down, but nope! Lawson cares not a bit about her boundaries and appears insensitive as hell. Then again, if he wasn’t following her around, I guess no one would have saved Laura from certain death. Hooray?

Needless to say, Dudikoff and Hamill are Olivier and DeNiro compared to everyone else in the cast list. Poor Laura can’t seem to make a rational decision to save her life (literally); her demeanor is that of a total ditz. Her dialogue recitation straddles this strange gap between flat and laughably melodramatic, making an act as simple as tearfully begging for her life unintentionally funny since she seems to not care that much whether she gets away from crazy old Justin or not. She is so annoying that this is one case where you root for the heroine to get blown up.

And what can I say about Dr. Hardy? Oh man, does Robert Mitchum not give a damn in this movie. He looks bored and like he wants to pass out. Not a single line of his is read with even an ounce of what you might call conviction or enthusiasm. Case in point, when Justin ties Hardy to a chair and tries frying Laura in front of him, he looks at the horrific turn of events the way one might look at a screening of The Last Airbender: slightly surprised at how terrible it all is, but mostly bored and wondering when it’ll be over. If the characters in a movie don’t seem that affected by the crazy horror stuff, then why should the audience be?

Midnight Ride is saved from being an irritating experience by Mark Hamill as Justin McKay, the sociopathic photographer with sister issues. I once came across a review that claimed Hamill’s performance isn’t that wonderful because “playing a crazy person isn’t hard.” What inane logic! While I’m not so sure if Hamill’s performance is “realistic,” it is very entertaining and a lot of that entertainment value comes from Hamill. Some of the time, he feels like he’s doing a campy impersonation of Norman Bates with his puppy-dog look and incestuous fixation on a female family member. The other part of the time, he’s straight-up Joker, cackling madly and enjoying the mischief he causes. Hamill’s line readings of choice dialogue like the sing-songy, “I’m not goin’ till I get a pic-ture!” when he insists Laura let him take photos of her while she drives or “Don’t you ever run away from me!” are so deliciously over-the-top that if you re-watch this movie as I do, you’ll be reciting them as they come up. (My favorite Mark moment is when Laura offers herself to Justin in exchange for her freedom and Hamill just says in the most disappointed tone possible, “You’re acting like a slut!”) And as I mentioned previously, there is that one fleeting scene in which he is allowed to be scary. So, Hamill definitely wasn’t phoning this one in and he is a joy to watch throughout.

And in no scene is Hamill a greater joy to watch than in the film’s insane climax. I cannot do this climax justice with mere words and I won’t dare give any of its pleasures away to those who have not experienced this classic. Let’s just say Justin somehow gets hold of a four-wheeler and chases Lawson around. In a hospital. There is much punching and appropriation of scary surgical instruments. And the film’s final scare is pure magic. Also notice how seconds after that last horrific moment, the credits come up accompanied by smooth, cheesy jazz music.

Since the film is only available on VHS, the image quality isn’t so good. Everything is smudgy and the already dark look of the movie can sometimes make it hard to see what’s happening. Even with a better transfer, I’m not so sure this movie’s look would rank among the likes of Kubrick or Kurosawa. Being that deadly combination of extremely low budget and incompetent on a technical level, Midnight Ride is not exactly a cinematic feast. The editing in particular is BAD, particularly during the action scenes, where the editor chose to cut to things that only disrupt the kinetic energy that should be building, like when Justin has Lawson tied down to the front of a vehicle and he’s driving like hell. On more than one occasion, the editing is so amateurish that you have to wonder if the editor was trying to sabotage the movie. It’s kind of impressive.

If this movie sounds like your idea of a good time, then I want you to do something: watch it with as many people as possible. Share it with your family. Tell all your friends too! Among my admittedly limited social circle are people with varying tastes in cinema; they do not always dig the movies I recommend and vice versa. But Midnight Ride is one movie that unites people regardless of taste, creed, race, sexual orientation, gender, or where you fall on the Marvel versus DC debate. You might not laugh at Some Like It Hot or Blazing Saddles, but you will laugh your ass off at Midnight Ride. Forrest Gump or Brokeback Mountain might not make you cry, but you’ll cry with laughter at Midnight Ride. This movie unites us, binds us, could be the path to world peace. No one will fight any longer, because we can all agree that Mark Hamill chasing Michael Dudikoff on a four-wheeler while Robert Mitchum in a doctor’s coat looks on with disinterest is the height of cinematic absurdism. God bless all the people involved in the making of this gem.

[xmydaysinmilanx]

Hiii sweetie! How about a headcannon on how the females of ffxv would be as a close freind. (They deserve more love from the Fandom) thanks boo ♥

Cindy is a highly motivated go-getting problem solver. She’s thefriend who has the most energy and is always up for a challenge.

- Feeling down? Not for long you won’t. Cindy won’t allow it.She won’t come across as insensitive though mind, she’s far too tactful. Expecther to try and make you laugh or offer you a trip of a lifetime, on the road,or a trip to the beach.- Struggling to find employment? Cindy is the sort of friend who will offer yousome hands-on experience at the Hammerhead station. You would accompany herlong journeys to deliveries, towing and collecting supplies. It’s tough workbut she WILL pay you.

- She’ll never inform you if she’s feeling low and will mask herpain by attempting to bring you joy instead.

- Want to go shopping? She’s not one for fashion and cosmeticsbut thrives in hardware stores. She’ll accompany you anywhere you want to gothough, mind – she’s too laid back to care about her surroundings in thecompany of her friend.

-Sleepover? She’s hella down for it and will even encourage you to make campoutdoors under the clear night skies. She also loves movie nights and is asucker for rom-coms, though she’ll never shout it from the rooftops!Iris is a vibrant bundle of energy. Young but far from naïve,she’s made of tough stuff – after all, she is the sister of Gladiolus. 

-Made plans for a daytrip? Iris will be up the earliest,ensuring she’s on time. She’s a morning person, who lives everyday like it’sher last.-If you’re feeling low, she will try to be resourceful and raiseyour spirits. However, mope around for too long and she’ll lose patience andtell you how it is, including how your mood creates negative energy.-Whilst 15 year old Iris adapts to hanging out with her (older)companions, her age CAN be evident at times. When the clock strikes 11pm, youmight be ready to kick back and relax with a hot drink but Iris is just gettingstarted – she’s eager to experience the Altissia nightlife but you won’t evenTRY to smuggle her in a bar without suffering at the hands of Gladio. - Benefits of being friends with Iris? She’s 100% down for theChocobo Moogle festival and will demonstrate genuine enthusiasm throughout theWHOLE time that’s spent there. Gentianawould strike many as an introverted, mysterious aura of pure sass and boy sheis.

-You must be extremely lucky to get acquainted with this lady.She’s very much like a typical description of a cat, by which she chooses you,not the other way round.-Don’t expect too much conversation from the lady whom isblessed with the gift of Astral Shiva herself. Silence is bliss, thisfriendship will involve plenty of them; comfortable silences of course.- She will like to people-watch with you, carefully observingone’s day to day routine and general chit chat fascinates Gentiana, so expectcoffee dates on a regular basis. 

- Loves your pet cat.-Extremely loyal and compassionate about the subject of equality, you may beasked to accompany Gentiana to peace bringing events across Eos and localcommunities aiding in saving the planet. 

Aranea is a straight talking, no nonsense lady with a ‘do ityourself’ attitude.

- It will take a while for Aranea to open up to you, even aftermonths of friendship – she doesn’t ‘do’ emotions and feelings.

- Aranea likes adventure and thrill and every moment spenttogether will be a stand out memory for the both of you.

-  Aranea is a risk taker and is willing to break the rules if itmakes you or her happy. So you wanted that seasonal limited edition Chocolattefrom the local Coffee shop but the store’s shut? No problem! Aranea will breakin get one and make it for you, WITHOUT getting caught! Everything is done withhaste; a blink of the eye and the Chocolatte will appear before your eyes….certifiedNinja right?

-  Her generosity doesn’t come without a price, she will expect youto return favours and be willing to step out of your comfort zone.

- Also best friends with Ignis Scientia. If you’re into him, she’llpick up the signs and inform him of her suspicions in confidence. Should youtwo start to date, her protective instincts will kick in, likely because she seesyou as a younger sibling figure.

-Downside of being chums with Aranea? She’s very much a ‘do it onher own terms’ character. She also prefers her own space so she will be mostappreciative if you can both hang out together under the same roof whilstpursuing your own interests and activities. Luna is the shining light out of all of your friends.

-The ‘calming’ influence any stress=head would need in theirlife. Lunafreya is the type of friend to reassure you during your time of need.-Despite the physical and mental pain endured from her role as anOracle, she never puts herself first – she lives to serve the people of Eos.She will reluctantly accept your advice on taking it easy to kick back andrelax, though she can be easily swayed with a hot cup of lavender tea!-Enjoys shopping for cosmetics and fashion. Her favourite placesto shop are Alexander McQueen and Vivienne Westwood. She’s generous and willoffer to treat you to such luxuries from designer stores and high end diningestablishments.

- A fan of dog walking and loves doggy dates with your own and hers of course!-Aware her contact with Astrals will shorten her lifespan, sheentrusts you with the handling of her precious belongings, requesting you have accessto her personal items such as clothes and jewellery passed down from her Motherin her will. -Likes to discuss happy childhood memories such as her one to oneconversations with Noctis, whom she longs to see again after a decade apart,physically. 

[amplesalty]

Day 2 - Santa With Muscles (1996)

On the second day of Christmas, my true love gave to me...

2...4 inch pythons!

Once more WWE is neglecting their duties of providing me with suitable Christmas related movie releases so I'm forced to look further afield to fulfill my wrestler vehicle requirements. In general they seemed to have slowed down in the last few months, that Sleight movie did pretty well and they had a whole bunch of stuff out in August but nothing since. Note to self; need to see Surfs Up 2: WaveMania and that's Jetsons crossover. Maybe that Hasshlehoff movie too, that seemed like it could be pretty dumb.

Things start out at a local orphanage where little girl #1 is very sad because a nasty man is trying to shut them down. If only Santa would come along and save them.

Forget Santa, Hulk Hogan is already decked out in army fatigues and is sneaking through someones flower bed. He spies all sorts of henchmen walking around with machetes. Well shit, this movie is gonna be over pretty quickly isn't it?!

Whoever this guy is, he has some pretty dedicated staff on site. They all set upon Hogan with their weapon of choice befitting their role. The chef jumps him with a meat tenderizer, the driver with a tire iron...at the least the gardener has something halfway menacing when he pops up with a hedge trimmer. They all come out screaming like banshees as well.

But surprise, this isn't the villains lair. It's just Hogan's daily exercise routine before enjoying his morning wheat grass smoothie with extra kale. Exercise my arse, he's kicking the shit out of everyone. He gorilla press slammed one guy from his patio.

Then again, maybe they deserve it. Pretty sure it must have been one of these guys that talked him into this line of protein shakes instead of the mean, lean, grilling machine! He even tells his butler to get rid of some charity collectors, but they can take some of his carb bars. They weren't selling anyway. Hey, even in the 90's people were trying to cut carbs out of their diet.

Hogan is playing Blake Thorne, wealthy entrepreneur who enjoys spending his free time engaging in a spot of paint balling with his buddies. Seems one of them makes the error of clipping a cop car with his dirt bike as he makes a sick jump, causing the feds to think there's a whole bunch of terrorists on the loose.

Rather than pull over to the side of the road and accept the likely slap on the wrist he'd get for being such a big shot, he figures it would be better to open fire on them with his paint gun. What the fuck?! This is our good guy?! I guess I can kind of see where they're coming from. If you had that much money, I guess things would be pretty mundane. Sure the fast cars and luxury holidays at fun at first but the novelty would soon wear off, you have to start making your own fun, ya know? Maybe you start paying people to do stupid shit just for your own amusement, do some blow, start a city wide police chase and nearly kill several people by effectively blinding them by getting paint all over their windshields...

Meanwhile, we meet our villain, Ebner Frost, who has a Howard Hughes thing going on. He's holed up in a room in his mansion, interrogating local shop keeps via video link as he tries to buy everyone out in the area. Everything in his room is covered in plastic sheets, his goons spray things with some sort of disinfectant spray and he doesn't liked to be touched. Amongst said goons are his personal physician (Dr Blight), a geologist, a chemist and Ms Watt, a femme fatale with electric gauntlets that will shock her victims. I'm pretty sure the last time I saw these guys was during the tryout scene in Mystery Men.

Thorne is hiding out at the mall, disguised as Santa in order to hide from the cops. He ends up bumping his head and has a wicked bout of amnesia. He's happened upon by one of the mall elves, Lenny, who takes his wallet and figures he can scam some money out of him by making him believe he's Santa.

After a run in with some low level criminal out to steal money that's been raised for the orphanage, Thorne feels compelled to visit so he can help out. As well as the little girl from earlier, there's also Sarah who's played by a young Mila Kunis. A Mila Kunis only a few years away from starring in That 70's Show, the guy who plays Lenny was also in that. Thorne has some run ins with Frost’s goons. Turns that doctor knows kung fu and Thorne starts prescribing a beat down on Thorne, before he returns the favour with a few medical puns of his own. “Take two of these and see me in the morning! *PUNCH* *PUNCH*” It's like watching Hellraiser 2 all over again.

For a man that Lenny describes as 'the richest man in 10 states' only a few scenes ago, absolutely no one recognises Thorne. His face is on all of his products! Not least his line of cereals that Lenny has to quickly remove from the breakfast table.

Not even respected TV reporters can see through that clever disguise.

"Well let me tell you something, Mean Helen, it's that special time of year once again. It's the time for peace on Earth, for thinking of your fellow man. Well, this Ebner Frost dude must be The Grinch because he's trying to take everything away from these kids. Tis the season for giving and I've got something to give to you, jack! This Christmas Eve, at the Silverdome, I'll be giving the big boot, the leg drop and I'll be pinning you for the 1-2-3 right in the middle of that ring. Your hermetically sealed suit isn't gonna help you this time, brother. Because I've been saying my prayers, drinking my milk and eating my cookies. You're stepping in the ring with the man with the 24 inch pythons. You might have the Doctor with you and all your little friends, but I've got Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Vixen, Comet, Cupid, Donner, Blixen, Mrs Claus and all of these little Santamaniacs behind me, brother. So whatcha gonna do, Frost, when Santamania and the spirit of Christmas runs wild on you?!"

We eventually find out why Frost wants all these land and the orphanage in particular. For underneath the building is a vault and inside is...

Sarah explains that these are quartz crystals that contain natural electricity and that these must be worth millions. One of the kids drops one about 2 feet and it promptly explodes.

After another scrap with Frost's Doctor, Thorne accidentally falls from the church's bell tower into a passing garbage truck which gives him his memory back. That's karma for throwing the giant off the roof at Halloween Havoc 95, Hogan. With Thorne out of the picture, Frost takes over the orphanage but with his memory back, Thorne can round up his crack team of ninja chefs, plumbers and carpenters to go take him down.

But first they have a little unfinished business with the police. Clearly having some unsold stock to use up, he greases the road with some salad dressing and obscures their vision with a cloud of protein powder. They run into a road block though and clear this cops aren't fucking around anymore...

DUDE! Since when did police have standard issue bazookas?! Trump's America, amirite?! Luckily, Thorne can dodge that shit like he's Han Solo in the special edition of Star Wars and he can go take care of business.

Remember those extremely volatile crystals that would explode if you so much as sneezed at them? Well apparently you can just sword fight with them now, no big deal.

Thorne disposes of Frost but the crystals become unstable and this causes the whole church to explode. But where will all the orphans possibly live now?! Well, Thorne knows a place. Here I was thinking he would take them home with him, they'd all be helped by his butlers and chefs and everyone would live happily ever after.

But no, they just go and steal Frost's mansion. Not like he needs it, right? He's in jail now, fuck him.

There's a certain campiness to Hogan's performance here that I wasn't expecting. In retrospect, I'm remembering that bit in Mr Nanny where he's in the pink tutu which is probably infinitely worst for the tough guy image. Wikipedia cites this as being considered amongst the worst films ever made. Sure, it's dumb and there's plot holes aplenty but I'm always happy to sit down with a cheese fest like this. The over the top displays of both Throne and Frost's entourages are delightful. The problem I do have is how lacklustre their big fight seemed. Hell, Thorne's fued with the police is much more intense and with a much more dramatic finale. Well, I say finale, the actual finale is that they turn up to arrest Frost and ignore Thorne. I mean more the run in with the rocket launcher guy caus...what?!

I still can't get over that. Where did he get that thing? Did he bring it from home? He whipped it out pretty quickly too, it's not like this was some out of control maniac who'd already killed dozens of people. I pick on Thorne for starting shit with the cops, and rightly so, but it's still relatively minor. Maybe throw out some of those stinger strips, shoot out his tires...anything! Your first response can't be to blow him away with a bazooka.