#edit: IM SORRY THAT THE PHOTOS LOOK LIKE THAT I DONT HAVE A MOUSE TO REORDER THE IMAGES AND IT WONT LET ME EDIT IT ON MOBILE

[morphringwiselove]

rambling about art struggles (sorry)

i think what's limiting me during drawing is that im thinking too much about line art / not knowing how to combine line art and color in a manner that im satisfied with

really sorry for how rambly this gets forgive me (this is also barely edited and im barely conscious)

95% of the art i made in my life has been done traditionally and in monochrome; usually i dont bother to ever color it bc i only had access to shitty colored pencils and everytime it would always fuck it up, constantly smudging into each other

4% of the time was like when i was in middle school and discovered how to fucking pirate paint tool sai and i blindly did whatever i could with a mouse (read: i gave myself carpel tunnel a lot lmao). i think i still have access to like 4 drawings i did thanks to google photos and the only ones i can really look back on positively were the line art ones and even then thats cause i used deviantart bases lol

heres the literal 1%: i did an art class back in late 2020 - early 2021 (can't remember what level it was? or what it specialized? it was the third art class i ever took. it might be intro to painting?) and i got to use acrylic paint for an assignment! i fucked up using it because i painted it with the goal of filling up the insides of the lineart instead of using the palette knife to create texture. my subject was an otter in the water (fun thing to say) and the assignment was to create some form of pop art, depict contrast w color (otters are brown i know, wanted to use orange highlights against the blue water) and to show i know how to depict varying textures (fur, liquid).

i did not know how to fucking do that!!! couldnt get any help either due to covid fucking happening and my poor ass's only connection to the internet was my fucking phone data and it was draining fast LMAO

the reason as to why i was so poor was because back in October 2019 my life fucking got flipped upside down and i had to give up a lot and had to desperately try to find a job while being a student. (will not go into specific detail due to me not wanting a pity party about it and it being too personal. im only going to say that caregiver burnout is fucking hell)

a prior assignment to that class had us practicing on depicting textures on some sort of paper (it was stiff yet bendable iirc) with a white and black color pencil (white for fur, black for eyes). i was watching aggretsuko at the time and fenneko is a fav of mine so i picked that type of fox as my subject. im really proud of the way i depicted the fur but fucking hated how i fucked up the eyes. was supposed to show the "glossiness" of it and i dont have a pet irl to reference so ahhhHHHH it ruined the piece for me. pretty sure i have it saved somewhere but since its not fandom related im hesitant to post it.

overall the class made me realise that regardless of skill i rlly like drawing textures and i dont really understand why? tried to reasoned it out to be that i just really like textured blankets and that theyre comforting. i purr like a fucking cat when i like hug one and i hate it

i feel like nowadays with how scatterbrained and stressed i am i visualize blobs of color in my mind instead of clear subjects with clear outlines. i feel like i need to embrace that side more (or at least try starting with that when doing digital art). maybe now i wont be so fucking stuck and pressing ctrl z all the time lol

[hpminecraft]

experiencing autisms this fine evening