#eddie had one date with her and was like welp time for you to meet my kid as my girlfriend now

[softestepilogue]

i like that christopher is cheering his dad on to date and ask people out. christopher is older now so he’s understanding that eddie cannot be alone forever. and that eddie is more than a parent he’s a person too. a person who wants romantic love and companionship. and eddie is learning that about himself too ! and i think it’s great that they’re learning that together.

[what-do-1000-swords-look-like]

Welp, I just wrote this whole long meta on the 911 crossover that Tumblr decided to eat the minute I went to post it so I’m just going to throw this short ineloquent post (sorry) about it out quick.

I always wondered why they picked Marjan to be with Eddie (and not Paul or Judd or Matteo or even TK or Owen) and then it hit me:

Buck: “I know who that is! She’s Firefox. Firefox? You guys seriously don’t know who Firefox is? She’s gone viral like five times. Total badass.”

Buck who we have seen and heard of being on the news in LA more than once: 1x02, 1x10, 3x16, etc. He’s not seeking coverage or media attention but it happens. Who himself is a badass in his own right.

Then we have the whole Insta-off scene: 

“How can you be so calm under literal fire?” “Well, at least no one’s shooting at us.” -> “We do the same thing. I’ve just done it while people are shooting at me is all.” (2x01)

“Seriously? You wanna follow me on Insta?” “Heard you put a lot of effort into it. Just curious.” (he wouldn’t have been curious had Buck not mentioned it)

“I’ll show you mine if you show me yours.” “I haven’t been on social media in a while. The last post is like nine months old. Super boring.” “I’ll be the judge of that.” “Fine. Deal.” (Marjan wants to follow Eddie back on Insta, but she didn’t follow Buck back after Buck followed her)

“Is this your kid?” “Yeah, that’s Christopher. He’s my world. Doing the whole, you know, single dad thing.” -> “Whoa, you got a kid?” “Christopher. He’s seven.” *shows Buck a picture on his phone* “And super adorable. I, uh, I love kids.” “I love this one. I’m all he’s got. His mother isn’t in the picture.” (2x02)

“You did not build him a skateboard.” “Well, Buck helped.” (notice this phrasing, Marjan is mentioning him and he mentions Buck, it’s true, Buck did help, but if he’s looking for his teasing/flirting to go anywhere, he could have left Buck’s name out of it & he could have mentioned this after Marjan asks about Buck when seeing him on Eddie’s Insta as a way to explain his inclusion in the post)

“Wait, is that that creepy guy who was staring at me before?” “He’s harmless. Mostly.” (Buck comes up not once but twice in the conversation) -> kicker: “And for the love of God, follow Buck back on Insta.” (this isn’t just to tease Buck or to help a buddy out, it’s also paralleling to what Eddie says to her before this line) “Hey Marwani, I was hoping I could get a pic for Insta.” “I thought you were off social media.” “Yeah, well, it’s not every day you get to take a selfie with #Firefox.” (Buck is on his Insta, now Marjan is -> parallel)

Another parallel: “Oh, now that is just way too much pretty!” (Buck and Eddie are always the young hot firefighters hit on or considered to be the single hot guys to set people’s daughters up on dates with)

Then you have Buck and TK:

“Hey, if you ever find yourself in LA, we should get together.” “Thanks. Gotta mention, though, I have a boyfriend and it’s pretty serious so uh... But it was really nice meeting you, man. Take care.” *Eddie walks into frame as TK leaves and winds up next to Buck*

they have the whole competition thing that he also has with Eddie in 2x01 though with less hostility (because TK isn’t threatening anything)

Buck mentions the bus in the fifth floor of a building; Eddie mentions the Prius in between two buildings when looking at Marjan’s Insta

TK sees the car coming and saves Buck; they then work together to get Clyde (who they think is the driver) out of the burning vehicle; Clyde accidentally knocked off the emergency parking brake -> Eddie sees the round is live in Charlie’s leg and tells the driver to pull the ambulance over; they then work together to get the live round out of Charlie’s leg; Charlie accidentally shot himself when cleaning a weapon (2x01)

TK throws Buck the tool to break the glass; Eddie is always handing Buck a tool when they arrive on scene in LA

“Nice move, by the way. Good reflexes.” “Yeah, you too.” -> “Good call.” ; “You’re badass under pressure, brother.” “Me?” “Hell yeah, you could have my back any day.” “Or you know, you could have mine.” “Deal.” (2x01)

Then you have flirty!Eddie with Marjan (the person he’s allowed to openly be flirty and teasing with) during the Insta-off scene:

Then you have Eddie’s expression when Buck mentions Marjan didn’t follow him back on Insta:

Then you have the command tent scene where the framing is interesting. Eddie is closest to TK and Buck is adjacent to him:

And then you have Buck bringing TK pizza. Pizza which is a prop that has been used with Eddie a few times, from Shannon to Buck:

Marjan was absolutely meant to parallel to Buck. So if she had Buck-like qualities, then TK...

Just sayin’

Bonus:

“Hey Buck. You really put yourself out there. I can’t thank you enough.” -> followed by TK mistakenly assuming Buck is hitting on him which Buck does not get to correct him, followed by Eddie appearing in the frame.

Uh huh.

[datleggy]

MY LAPTOP IS FUCKED FOR LIKE A MONTH (EXPECT MOBILE UPDATES D:) BUT REAL QUICK BEFORE IM STUCK ON MOBILE I NEEDED TO MAKE THIS POST BC I JUST FINISHED THE LATEST 911 EP AND JUST

SPOILERS AHEAD FOR SEASON 3 EP 12

OK OK So

1. THAT MEXICAN STANDOFF BETWEEN MADDIE AND BUCK IS ALL THE CHAOTIC SIBLING GOOF ENERGY I’VE EVER WANTED THANKU

2. JOSH DESERVES THE WORLD FUCK EVERYONE IM SO MAD

3. KNOCK ON WOOD IF BUDDIE DOESN’T HAPPEN I NEED BUCK TO TREAT JOSH RIGHT (lmao im jk!)

4. BITCH. BITCH. IF MICHAEL DOESN’T GET MAGICALLY BETTER IM THROWING HANDS

6. EDDIE MAKING HEART EYES AT THE (FOOINE ASS) ENGLISH TEACHER. OK. OK. OK. I MEAN. I GET IT. BC SAME. LIKE GADDAMN.

7. “YOU LIED” AAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

8. HEN MENTIONING THE NEW BABY AND HER LIL POOPY BUTT----MY HEART IS SO SMILEY

9. CARLA SHOULD BE LISTENED TO MORE OFTEN FOR SHE IS WISER THAN THE REST (im assuming she holds the brain cell most of the time)

10. THAT LAST SCENE. THAT. LAST. SCENE. 

MY LAPTOPS ABOUT TO DIE BUT I NEED TO SAY THIS:

YA’LL CAN’T JUST MENTION BUCK IS SINGLE AS A PRINGLE IN ONE SCENE AND THEN IMMEDIATELY SWITCH TO EDDIE W/ CARLA MEETING A NEW POTENTIAL LOVE INTEREST LIKE THAT????

(SIDE NOTE: u know DAMN well eddie must’ve thought LONG and HARD about asking buck to come w him to the parent teacher thing but then was like “aaahhh that’s too much to put on buck uoregoufijdi” and chickened out last min and carla was like “alright u big baby, lets go”--------but also think of the possibilities??? imagine eddie had gotten the courage to ask him to come and buck is obv touched, like of course bro! that’s what besties are for! so they end up meeting the v hot english teacher and she’s like “edmundo, am i right?” and eddie’s like “<///< wow, how’d u guess” like  he was in the actual scene, and buck cracks a joke about how eddie told him he’d never respond to that name when they first met, and the english teacher flirts a lil w buck, like “oh, and ur name’s buck? that’s a tough one to figure out *super hot person laugh*” and buck’s like “<//< hehe, well, it’s evan actually, but uh, yeah, just call me buck, everyone does” and they actually both end up getting her number at different times (eddie while buck is in the bathroom, and buck while eddie’s getting the car from the parking lot bc even tho his leg is all healed up eddie is still overprotective about buck walking too much on it when he doesn’t need to, at least) and they end up finding out on the car ride home and they both are like “ooh, competition time to win her affection!” and they joke about it casually and are like “welp, may the best man win” and it’s thru ALL the jealousy and bs rivalry that they finally get together when the teacher’s like “uh, it kinda feels like u two would prefer to date each other, than me. all eddie talks about is u, buck, and vice versa.” iugth[ehwvnfdbs cij

AND ALSO FUCK ME SIDEWAYS, BUT BUCK IS SUCH A SASSY BOY---HE REALLY SAID “EDDIE MET SOMEONE SPECIAL BUT HE WENT AND BIT HER HEAD OFF SO SHE’LL PROLLY NEVER TALK TO HIM AGAIN AND ALSO FLUNK HIS KID” WITH A SMILE HGTOGERWSDL SIR WE GET IT, U JEALOUS, CHIIILLLLLLLLLLLLL LMAO

AND ANOTHER THING: IM SO CONVINCED BUCK IS JUST TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS TO HIS FEELINGS, LIKE, HE’S ALL “YUP, THIS IS JUST MY BEST FRIEND, WE TELL EACH OTHER EVERYTHING AND WE’RE NOT GUESTS IN EACH OTHER’S HOMES AND IM PRETTY MUCH COPARENTING HIS SON W HIM, WHO BTW I LOVE AND WOULD DO EVERYTHING IN MY POWER TO PROTECT, AND I HAVE OPENLY ADMITTED I THINK EDDIE IS STUPID HANDSOME AND HE SAID HE DOESN’T TRUST ANYONE MORE THAN ME W HIS ONLY CHILD, I PLANNED A WHOLE CHRISTMAS PARTY V LAST MIN, ALL BC CHRISTOPHER FROWNED SADLY AND I WOULD SIMPLY NOT LET THAT STAND BC HIS HAPPINESS IS MY HAPPINESS AND ALSO I ALWAYS WEAR MY CUTEST (and tightest) SWEATSHIRTS AROUND EDDIE AND OH HEY, CARLA, WOULD U MIND JUST HOLDING THIS PHONE AND FILMING THIS BEAUTIFUL FAMILY MOMENT OF ME, MY FUTURE HUSBAND AND OUR SON WHO I WILL BE ADOPTING ANY FUCKIN DAY NOW SHOWING HIM HOW TO SKATEBOARD? THANKS. ANYWAY, WE JUST BESTIES. :)”

AND EDDIE’S SOMEWHERE IN THE CLOSET HIDING ALL THE BI AND DENYING ALL HIS GAY THOUGHTS ABOUT BUCK. OK BYE.

[l1ana]

Dating Peter Parker while being Eddies' younger sister would include...

Dedicated to @gaynessnyoom for giving me this idea tysm bb

———

You had moved in with Eddie, claiming that you needed a place to crash at for some time

Which was odd since you were in college

Whatever, Eddie loved you with his entire being. Obviously, he let you in without hesitation

To be quite frank, he was getting tired of being alone accompanied with a blood hungy parasite every day

You staying at his place clearly made days much more brighter

You both loved exchanging stories about one another during your time apart and laughed it up

When Venom came into the picture, things didn't really change much besides you and him having constant arguments on which sort of sweets were better

Venom made an oath at the moment he saw you to protect you from whatever harm may come your way with the same amount of force that he protects Eddie with

They both loved you like a daughter — In spite of Eddie being your older brother

Your pictures of different monuments and various attractions served as good fuel for his career

Photography was your more proficient skill

One day while you were walking around the city, snapping a few pics, you saw it— Or rather, him

Spider-man, the hero of Queens

Lounging in an alleyway, sat in a hammock made of spiderwebs with a pair of headphones on

His red and blue color pallet immediately caught your eyes and you took a picture with no second thoughts

While you were fawning over catching a picture of someone so famous, the camera flash had caused the spandex-attired male to turn in your direction

Oh dear how he felt his heartbeat speed up three times than usual

Good lord you were a goddess in his eyes

He was stammering and tripping over his own words, unable to get anything out

There goes his spiderman charm

“So you're the real deal, huh?” You asked, stepping into the alleyway while looking up at him

“M-mhm, yup. In the flesh— whoa!” He stood up in his hammock but immediately lost balance, slipping and falling into the dumpster besides you. His head popped up from the pile of garbage bags

“More like in the spandex...” A gag came from your lips. “...And rotten foods.” You giggled, plucking a half-eaten banana from off his head

‘Im in love’ He thought then and there

From that point on, a beautiful relationship formed between you and Spiderman, the both of you meeting up in secluded areas of the city and exchanging joyous words every day

The time you and his geeky self -aka Peter Parker- met up was when you and Eddie paid a visit to the Bugle, in search for some juicy news to cover and report on

Peter had intentionally bumped into you in hopes to start up any sort of small talk. It was then that he found out that you wanted to dig deeper into Spidermans background and find out more about him

He promised to take you out, claiming that he had some “interesting spots that Spiderman likes to hang out at”

Of course, you took his words and set off with him

Eddie and Venom were definitely cautious of Peter

‘We should bite his head off.’ “Venom, no.” ‘What if he takes advantage of her?’ “He seems like a nice guy. Besides, [Name] can take care of herself.” ‘He's checking her out, Eddie.’ “...” ‘Exactly.’

Eddie sighed, speaking up to call your name. “Hey, uh, [Name],” You whipped your head around, grabbing Peters hand to stop him from walking off without you. “Yeah? What's up?” Eddie sighed again, probably anticipating you to feel offense to what he said: “I know that you're, uh, grown and all but... Y'know, be safe out there. Don't wander into the unknown, kay?” But instead you laughed at him in the most innocent way possible. “Don't worry, don't worry. I can stand my own.” And smiled so brightly it made his worries wash away.

And just like that, you were gone

‘We should follow them’ “Can you not? I'd like to respect her privacy as a grown woman, thank you very much.”

Sightseeing new places was definetly checked off of your bucket list

Peter practically dragged you everywhere he found to be a great site for dates

Yes, he was trying to find a way to turn this into a date

And yes, he was worried on whether you'd catch on to it or not

Most of the places he went to, he was commonly known in

“Hey Peter, who's the lucky girl?”

Que the blushing nerd

“She's, uh, new in town. I'm just taking her to some places Spiderman likes to stop by to. A-also, we're just aqquantices.”

“Haha, yeah. Well try not to confuse where the line ends at, okay?”

You and him were pretty much already talked about to be a couple

It was extremely embarassing for Peter, whilst you displayed no problem with what they were saying

Soon enough, you earned a spot in the Bugle as a worker, right in the same position as Peter

“[Name]? Wh-what are you-” “Guess who found a new job?~” He swore his heartbeat could be heard from miles away

You and Peter poking fun at one another

When he first grew the balls and finally asked you on a date, your affirmation had him absolutely ecstatic

Him taking you to one of the places he told you that his alter-ego liked to hang out at, which to say was spotted at a high-up place where you could see the city sparkle beautifully

“D-dude... This is awesome...!” “Not as awesome as you.” Peter would whisper under his breath, to which you'd clocked your head round and ask him to repeat what he said. “Nothing.” He replied with a sweat

A devious grin grew on your face. “Peeeeeettteeerr~” You sang. At that moment, the brunet knew he was screwed. “You like me don't you?”

Welp

Time to jump off the building and hopefully land into another dumpster ans roll away never to be seen again

“I-I-I mean, well, I guess if you mean by having a strong sense of attraction towards you then... M-maybe I...” “Awww, you totally do~” You have him a quick peck on the lips, then ruffling his hair. “Well, I like you more so don't start thinking that I don't!” Poor boy fainted on the spot

Eddie and Venom getting a tad bit worried of you whenever you claimed you were going out late at night

‘Where is she going?’ “To mind her own business, much like you should be doing.”

Most of the time when you did do so, you'd be skipping to Peters apartment

q̶u̶i̶c̶k̶ r̶e̶m̶i̶n̶d̶e̶r̶ t̶h̶a̶t̶ y̶o̶u̶ a̶n̶d̶ p̶e̶t̶e̶ a̶r̶e̶ a̶d̶u̶l̶t̶s̶, l̶i̶k̶e̶ i̶n̶ y̶o̶u̶r̶ 1̶9̶s̶

Whenever Eddie heard you enter the apartment at such a late time at night, he'd just start fearing that you would walk right back out

He loved you so much and really didn't want to see you leave his life again

The concern on his face when he'd found out you brought your own appartment room had mortified you

“You're honestly... Gonna go?”

“Oh chill out Ed. I'm just down the street, okay? Nothing bad is gonna happen to your little sister so quit whining.” You'd reassure with a light kiss on his forehead. “You too, Venom. I know you're worried about me and as flattering as that is I'd appreciate it if you saw me capable to take care of myself, thanks.”

Of course, you paid visits to them every now and then just so that neither would get this feeling of loneliness again

Peter helped spruce up your apartment room with some of his own decor

“You sure this okay?” “Of course, I've always wanted a part of me inside you—” He mentally slapped himself to stop something he knew was inevitable. “I-I-I mean, like, I uh.... I...”

Quick and steamy makeout sessions to stop his stammering

Very gentle™ when having sex

Like, neither of you are virgins and are aware of what goes on during intercourse but still

Also, he made sure to put a condom on so dw

Remember kids: You can't make love without a glove

Don't be a fool, cover your tool

Don't be silly and wrap your willy-

You loved running your fingers into his hair w̶h̶i̶l̶e̶ h̶e̶ r̶e̶a̶r̶r̶a̶n̶g̶e̶d̶ y̶o̶u̶r̶ i̶n̶s̶i̶d̶e̶s̶ w̶i̶t̶h̶ h̶i̶s̶ d̶i̶c̶k̶ because of how soft and curly they were

Apparently he was sensitive to you tugging his hair cuz the moment you did he was melting into your body

G̶u̶e̶s̶s̶ w̶h̶o̶ f̶o̶u̶n̶d̶ a̶ w̶a̶y̶ t̶o̶ t̶u̶r̶n̶ P̶e̶t̶e̶r̶ P̶a̶r̶k̶e̶r̶ i̶n̶t̶o̶ a̶ s̶u̶b̶?

Eddie would drop by your job sometimes just to check in on you, and would usually catch you in mid-talk with Peter

‘Is this the guy she's been going out late at night with?' “Can you at least try to be supportive of her decisions?” ‘You're worried for her... WE'RE worried for her.’

He always came in unnoticed and left unnoticed, much to his relief because he didn't want to seem like a stalker in your eyes

When you finally decided to let both Eddie and Venom into your house, they had devoured a quarter of your food that was meant to be for Peter for tomorrows dinner

Not like you told him that you and Peter were a thing

“We're sorry for eating all your food...” “It's okay. I understand. We all get hungry sometimes.”

Later that same night after Peter dropped by, you both setteled for pizza with a side of takeout

“So do I wanna know about the how, where and why a majority of your food is gone?”

“No,” You took a bite of your pizza “No you do not.”

Romcoms were tonights theme

“Do you think we'll ever be like those guys on TV?” “Peter, we're even better than them.”

Smothering him in smooches whenever he's feeling down

Lots of snuggles

Always coming through the fire escape part of his apartment and greeting him from there

Too bad big brother Venom and Eddie were stalking you

“When were you going to tell us about your male companion?” A familiar voice asked as you unlocked your apartment door and walked in, the lights clicking on

Oh fuck

Okay I've reached the limit, time to make a part 2

[cards-onthetable]

An Elusive Computer Post

Y’all, 99.999% of the time, I exist on my phone and tablet. It’s very rare that I do any Fandom Stuff or social media on my laptop. But tonight, after This Episode, I had to break out the big guns. I need to be able to type as fast as my brain screams words. tl;dr: EVERYTHING IS THE WORST AND I HATE IT. Hey I’ll do a fun little page break so you don’t have to scroll past this whole thing if you don’t want to. How nice of me. 

Erin

OPENING SCENE AND ERIN’S ALREADY YELLING AT PEOPLE. COOL. 

JUST DON’T with this foster parent (allegedly) killing a foster child thing. Foster parents have enough of a negative perception as it is... a foster parent who “cracked” and killed a child in her care certainly won’t help. And I know this won’t turn into a well-done, thoughtful Discourse on the lack of support and resources for foster parents who are caring for children with complex needs. So I hate it. 

I’m so, so, so sad for this child.

Sidenote re: Sam saying “I’ve already got a mom” (explaining why he didn’t call his foster parent “mom”) - okay, BB, one actual sensitive portrayal here, thumbs up. 

Welp Erin’s boss is an asshole but so’s everyone else on this show. What else is new? 

And now Sam is locked out of his new foster home. Another nice tally in the Negative Portrayal column. This is disgusting. His appreciation for his previous foster parent is obvious (this kid’s a ten times better actor than fucking Will “Dead Face” Estes at this point) and I hate this entire concept. At least the show’s portrayal of the child in foster care himself is positive. 

Now Sam’s at Anthony’s house and this is off topic, but for half a second can we appreciate that Sam is also a bajillion times better at apologies than Jamie Reagan? Nice. 

If Anthony becomes Sam’s foster parent I will be SO ANNOYED. One, because I’m sure the show won’t even hint at an accurate process - it’ll be insta-parent, Anthony walks into some caseworker’s office and walks out with physical custody of a child (fun fact: it takes three months or longer to get licensed as a foster parent). Two, because it’s kind of another blow to the reputation of foster parents that this episode is painting - like the only suitable foster parent in a whole city of veteran, trained, experienced FPs is this newbie? This does not taste good. 

This is a cute scene. Rather than Anthony being Sam’s foster parent, how about he becomes his mentor? 

OH. NICE. EXACTLY WHAT I DIDN’T WANT. “I’m going to sign the papers later today. I’m going to foster Sam myself.” Can we please get some follow-up on this, BB? Let’s please see Anthony trying to navigate the waters of parenting a teenager who likely has attachment-related diagnoses and other challenges. Is Anthony going to get trauma-informed care training? Or is he just going to wing it and hope that it’s all magical and swell? Does he have a sensitive, non-snarky bone in his body? I’m on the edge of my seat. (LOL @ Erin being the voice of reason here.)

OH. WHOA WHOA WHOA. “It’s not like I always wanted a son, but one came knocking and I answered the door.” Remember that line above where Sam reminded us that he has a mom? Do you understand why this line made me gag? There’s a fine line you walk as a foster parent, where you’re performing all the duties of parenting this child as if they’re your own - but you have to remember and be sensitive to the fact that they’re not. Kids in foster care are a package deal, yo, they come with a whole other family too. For teenagers this is an especially important Issue. 

This entire storyline was terrible. 0/10. 

Fat Shaming (Frank and co)

Poor Witten, you guys. That is awful and terrible and dangerous that her partner can’t even make it up 4 flights of stairs. “I’m here and you’re fine” - but what if she wasn’t? 

Did Sid Gormley just use the word “fat shaming” and argue that physical fitness does not affect a cop’s ability to do their job? 

Cops who are on the beat should be able to pass a fairly high standard for physical fitness. The end, basically.

Family dinner (tossed in here due to the topic of conversation): Seriously? Henry’s going to talk about it being discrimination to require cops to meet a physical fitness standard that is a pretty basic aspect of their ability to do their job? Nice. 

Oh, magical, Frank has come up with a Compromise that Makes Everybody Happy. Raise your hand if you’re surprised. 

Danny

TBH I hardly noticed this storyline at all. I’m much too busy angrily scribbling all of the examples of Dismissive Jamie on my whiteboard. Oh well, win some lose some. 

Jamko

The way Jamie brushes Eddie off during this whole New Partner Discussion is gross. Refer to yesterday’s Two Pronged Complaint for the details. 

The Biggest Issues: Jamie minimizing Eddie’s experience on the job, and being too protective of her/failing to be an objective boss. Et cetera. 

“wHaT eLsE dOn’T I kNoW?” suck a dick, Jamie Reagan.  

Peep those obviously empty coffee cups that probably have a piece of dry ice at the bottom to make the “steam.” A+. 

I’m going to keep track of how many times “female empowerment” is said in this episode. I’ll keep you updated. 

So this “fraternal organization” that we’ve all been so stressed about Eddie joining is...basically a women’s intramural sports league? LOLOL so I’m super excited to watch Jamie sputter about how Joe died playing softball* and therefore Eddie shouldn’t join. 

LOOK AT EDDIE. She is legitimately excited about the idea of playing softball, dude. That smile is as much personality as we’ve gotten out of her all season. CAN’T WAIT TO WATCH JAMIE “WET BLANKET” REAGAN SNUFF THAT RIGHT OUT. 

This ~date night~ situation is hilarious in a Young Childless Couple way. 

OH, so NOW Jamie’s interested in a legitimate conversation with Eddie, engaged and responding... with questions in a demanding, rude tone? I’m so annoyed at his whole handling of the Eddie’s-new-partner thing.

GOD why is everything a Female Empowerment Thing? Can’t women just... enjoy playing sports? 

OH HERE’S WHERE IT GETS FUN HOLD ONTO YOUR BUTTS 

BAD IDEA

YOU’RE ABOUT TO BECOME A REAGAN

THAT’S A NO-GO

NOW YOU’RE JUST BEING STUBBORN

“No, I’m being astonished that my fiancé is trying to tell me what I can and cannot do” SAME, EDDIE 

I’m so angry that the scene cuts off there. Did they just go about their stupid dinner date with this Tension floating palpably in the air between them? Did Eddie pull out an “I think I’ll sleep at my place tonight” and stalk away in that red? satin? dress? ? I hope she poured his stupid ON TAP IPA (objectively the worst type of beer, btw) down his shirt and walked out. 

I AM SO SAD watching this scene of Eddie backing out of softball. 

“I’m not much of a joiner” is a DUMB RIDICULOUS LINE and Eddie says it TWICE, folks. 

Witten doesn’t bring up Jamie at all - I therefore assume she doesn’t know Eddie’s a Future Reagan (which is a whole other issue, but anyway.) . Witten thinks Eddie’s backing out so as to avoid associating with Witten. So I assume Witten’s intentions with the softball invite were totally pure. IMAGINE THAT! A woman who wants to be friends with another woman, one who she works with and respects and wants to get to know better! With no ulterior motive! Someone please hit Jamie Reagan in the nostril with a dart. 

I like Witten more and more. Can we replace all the Reagan storylines with Witten, Sam, and Old Eddie in dark jeans and a studded jacket?

A LAUNDROMAT? ONE: Shouldn’t Jamie, as A Reagan, have laundry in his building?* TWO: It he didn’t, why wouldn’t they do laundry for free at Frank’s house every week?*

I CAN SMELL THE TENSION and I am legitimately curious how they’ve coexisted between the date and now. How’s that working out, hmm - that “keeping work and home separate” thing? 

“I DIDN’T TELL YOU TO, I ASKED” says Jamie. Shall we go back a few bullet points to when he told her it’s a “no-go”? 

I NEED TO KNOW WHAT ELSE I NEED TO KNOW - Same, Eddie. Do I really need to reiterate how ridiculous this whole thing is - that they’re engaged without dating, and now finding out that maybe there’s a reason people date first, even if they’re best friends, because this is the kind of stuff you work out before you start shopping for your dress.

“Are we talking, or are we just talking smack?” SOME ACCUSATION from the dumbass who said ALL THE THINGS IN THOSE BULLETS UP ABOVE. 

Finally, for once, Eddie is voicing some real and legitimate concerns. Are we going to get any sort of resolution or mature adult discussion of these things? NOPE! 

Did he seriously just tell her to cut it out? I hate him so much. I hope somebody duct tapes him to the front of those washer/dryers and pulls out each individual eyebrow hair with tweezers. 

This laundromat scene just exemplifies so many of the issues I’ve been rage blogging about all damn season. Jamie ultimately brushing off Eddie’s concerns without ever giving her real answers. Not having the respect for her to even take her thoughts into account. Barking orders like he knows it all, and Eddie isn’t capable of making her own decisions. At least this time that’s the actual point of the scene rather than the nasty subtext. 

EDDIE AND DANNY SCENE: I’m actually surprised that this is the first time Joe has been mentioned. Watching the sneak peek I figured Jamie’s main argument against Eddie joining an organization would be that it’s what got his brother killed (being vague, obviously, since Eddie clearly didn’t know the details). Not that it’s improper As A Reagan. I hoped the context of the episode would make me feel a little better about this scene but it just feels even more out of place and poorly/choppily written. I like Eddie and Danny together - I’d like them to interact more. But this didn’t do it for me. Gotta meet that Joe Mention Quota* on the season, I guess. 

FINAL SCENE: in summary, FUCK THIS. 

Sidenote: When is someone going to get suspicious @ how often Eddie gets pulled into Sarge’s office? 

For the record, I anticipated an eye-rolly “Ohhkay, maybe I overreacted...” speech. 

WHAT WE GOT FELL BELOW EVEN THAT VERY LOW BAR. 

Jamie explains himself. Fine, he has a right to do that, and it’s constructive in helping Eddie understand the man she’s about to marry (god don’t even remind me). BUT HE DOES NOT ADMIT ANY WRONGDOING. 

THERE IS NO APOLOGY

THERE IS NO ADMISSION THAT HE MADE MISTAKES in how he spoke to her, ordered her around, and didn’t even stop for eight seconds to listen to what she had to say

THERE IS NOT EVEN THE VERY MINIMAL “I overreacted” type of acknowledgment. 

“So maybe if I forget sometimes, you can remind me” THIS IS GROSS TOO because it essentially puts the burden on Eddie to teach/remind Jamie how to HAVE AN ADULT CONVERSATION AND NOT BE AN ASS. He could AT LEAST take responsibility for his own improvement in the Future. 

Eddie said literally two words in this entire scene. There was no mutual understanding, no real agreement, no genuine Development in their relationship. 

THIS IS NOT A SATISFACTORY RESOLUTION TO THIS CONFLICT. 

This episode is called Rectify but NOTHING HAS BEEN RECTIFIED. 

ALSO, this seems like an awfully Personal conversation to be having in uniform, Sarge. Are they even trying anymore? 

HE JUST THREW A SOFTBALL GLOVE AT HER. Is that supposed to be... sweet? Touching? An admission of guilt/mistake/wrongdoing? TRY AGAIN, BB. NONE OF THE ABOVE. 

WELL. If you’ve made it this far, I hope you’re as disgruntled as I am. Seems like plenty of y’all were quite unhappy with this episode as well. I’m enjoying your tweets and sadness. I’ve been the queen of this club for almost a year now. Welcome, make yourselves comfortable, there’s plenty of ice cream in the freezer. Just don’t sit on the far end of the couch. That’s my dog’s favorite spot. 

*These four hilarious lines were taken from two important Outside Sources. Thanks for your contribution, Outside Sources. 

[madness-of-void]

Pretend

Also on AO3

Theme: Friends To Lovers

It was safe to say that Stiles had, as the saying went, gone done fucked up.

How?

Oh. Easy.

At work, he was busy editing another one of Eddie's crappy articles like always. (Seriously, why did they keep this clown on? He wrote in text talk through the entire article, for crying out loud!) Minding his own business for once. And then Lawrence, headache inducing Lawrence, slid onto his desk. Nearly knocked everything to the floor, earning a murderous scowl from Stiles. Instead of backing away and hopping off the desk like a normal person would, the douche had the audacity to ask if Stiles had a date to bring to the upcoming party.

Now, Stiles was far more interested in pack activities. He usually avoided work parties like the plague. Most of the time not on purpose. There were actual pack shenanigans going on during those parties. Even then, he never paid any attention in the first place when these party announcements were made.

So, of course, Stiles had no idea about this one, either.

Unfortunately, this sent Lawrence on a ramble about the party. Who knew that the Beacon Hills Monthly had parties for...nothing in particular? Not Stiles! Prior to this encounter with Lawrence. Who was currently giving him a borderline migraine.

After Lawrence was done signing praises to this party, he asked again if Stiles had a date.

Then proceeded to ask that if Stiles didn't have a date, if he'd be interested in being his date.

Now normally, Stiles would have a witty, sarcastic comment he would shoot out that would put Lawrence in his place. Shut the guy up for a week. Or tell him that he had family things going on. Only he knew there wasn't any pack gathering the day of the party to save his hide. Witty, sarcastic comment it was!  

Heh, well, that wasn't what happened.

This time, Stiles blurted out something utterly stupid.

“Thanks for the offer, but I'll be coming with my boyfriend.”

It was a beat too late before he realized what he had said. He had to tamper down his horror as Headache Lawrence begrudgingly congratulated him. Followed by telling the entire building that Stiles had a boyfriend.

And then, and then, Georgina came up to Stiles, gushing and sounding so excited that her favorite had a boyfriend. She just couldn't wait to meet the man that had won her Stiles' heart! Give the man cookies and kisses on the cheek! Because Stiles was like a grandson to her, and this mysterious boyfriend would become like her second grandson!

This was when Stiles knew he had fucked up.

Royally.

“What am I going to do?!” he wailed upon arriving at his apartment and telling Scott on the phone the story. “The whole damn building thinks I have a boyfriend! They're gonna expect me to bring one to this stupid party! Georgina wants to give the guy cookies and kisses on the cheek!”

Scott hissed, probably wincing on his end. “Yeah...you messed up. Bad.”

“I know! What do I do!?”

“Get someone to pretend to be your boyfriend?”

“Pfft! Like who? You're married, and as much as I love you bro, I'm not gonna pretend that I'm boning you.”

“Thanks for that imagery...”

“Boyd in on his honeymoon with Erica. Isaac is occupied with a whole hell of a lot of things, so I'm not asking him. Jackson sure as hell won't do it, and that's just fine by me 'cause nooooo thank you. Liam can't act or lie worth shit. And I love Corey and Mason, and they may be the best candidates, but I know they are still shaken over the whole kidnapping thing, so I'm gonna leave them out of this.”

“What about Derek?”

Stiles sputtered, nearly dropping his phone. “H-huh?”

“What about Derek? He could do it.”

“I-I don't think he would, Scotty. And I kinda don't want to ask him to.”

“Because you have a ridiculous crush on him?”

“I thought we vowed to never speak of that? Besides...we may be pretty good pals now...but it took a long time for it to happen, and the guy has a bad track record of people using him, and I think this might count as one of those. I don't want to break his trust, y'know? Make him feel used.”

“How would this make him feel used?”

Stiles loved Scott. Loved him like a brother. He really did. But...sometimes...

“Just ask him. If he says no, then pretend you're sick on the day of the party.”

He sighed, dragging a hand down his face. “That might be what I have to do.”

“After you ask Derek.”

“Can't I just skip that part?”

“Ask him, Stiles.”

Scott hung up, leaving Stiles no chance to continue his weak whining. With another sigh, Stiles plopped down on the couch, staring at his phone screen. This was going to be so much fun. Mostly because he figured that doing this face-to-face would be the best way to go.

Hopefully this wouldn't boot him out of the pack.

If it did, he was going to kick Scott's ass.

He sent a quick text to Derek, asking him to come over for a chat. Surprisingly, the dude replied back instantly, asking if now was good. Stiles half hoped Derek hadn't replied. If he hadn't, then Stiles wouldn't have to do this. He responded back that now was fine, and nearly had a hernia when the wolf said he'd be there in five.

Welp...this was going to suck all the balls.

All. The. Balls.

~+~

Stiles expected Derek to be pissed as hell when he word vomited his predicament. He expected Derek to be livid when he asked if he would pretend to be his boyfriend for the party. But...

“Sure.”

Huh. That was unexpected.

“Wait...really?”

The wolf shrugged, arms folded. “Yeah. This Lawrence guy sounds like a pain in the ass.”

“He is. Dude has no idea that when I say I'm not interested, that it means I'm not interested.”

Derek nodded, wrinkling his nose in annoyance. “Hmmm. Need to learn.”

“You're not going to rip his throat out with your teeth.”

“Fun sucker.”

If it had been years ago, back when he was sixteen, Stiles would've gone ape shit over Derek freakin' Hale saying something remotely funny. But, alas, they had known each other for some time now. Derek actually had an amazing, dry, sarcastic sense of humor. One that Stiles could appreciate whole heartily.

“Lawrence aside...Georgina sounds like a lovely lady.”

Stiles snickered, shaking his head. “Oh, she is. Very grandma-like. Cheek pinching and all.”

“I hope you mean my face.”

“Eh. It's a fifty-fifty deal with her.”

Derek gave him the 'what the hell' face before mumbling, “Nevermind...”

“Anyway...” Stiles rocked on the balls of his feet, still anxious about all of this. “We should talk about boundaries. What you're comfortable with and what you're not comfortable with. That kind of stuff.”

Again, Derek shrugged. Appearing completely unfazed by any of this. “Whatever you're okay with doing is fine.”

“No no no no no. That's not how this works!”

He approached the other male, gripping at his shoulder tightly and giving him a highly serious stare. This was the hundredth time Stiles had this type of conversation with Derek. Maybe was beyond the hundredth. He was a little surprised he still needed to tell Derek these kind of things. Then again...with Derek's history...

“I'm putting you in this sort of awkward position. Which you can totally back out of any time you want. And since it will most definitely be awkward, I need to know what I can and can't do. I don't want to make this any worse for you than it will be.”

With an eye roll, Derek took Stiles' wrist, removing it from his shoulder but still held onto it. “You're not putting me in a sort of awkward position. I'm offering to save your ass. But, if you're so keen on making boundaries...don't smack or pinch my ass. Don't talk about me like I'm a slab of meat. If we kiss, you can't give me tongue. You can't call me sweetie or sweetheart or baby.”

There was a pause. Stiles waited for Derek to add more to the Do Not Do List . Never happened. He blinked in confusion, tilting his head to the side. Derek followed suit.

“That's it?”

“Yes?”

“Oh. I, uh...expected more.”

“I know. But that's it.”

“So...I can hold your hand?”

“Yes.”

“I can kinda snuggle up next to you?”

“Yes.”

“Can I kiss your cheek? I won't put you on the spot with the lip kissing.”

“I'm fine with either. Just no tongue.”

Stiles nodded eagerly, a swoosh of relief hitting him. “Done. Deal. No problem. I'm totally cool with all of those rules. I really don't have any. I'm kinda on the same boat with you. But! But but...you can one hundred percent call me honey. Or...uh...Mischief.”

There weren't questions asked. Yes, a brow raised, but nothing verbal. The wolf licked his lips, nodding.

“All right. When is this party?”

“Uh, Saturday. Not this Saturday! Next Saturday.”

“Mmm. Plenty of time to practice.”

“Yep. Plenty of time to – wait. Practice?”

A sigh. “Yes, Stiles. If you want to convince these people, specifically Lawrence, that we are dating...we need to practice.”

Stiles flailed his arms, skin flushing. “B-b-but why?! We know practically everything there is to know about each other!”

“They will question if we aren't acting like we're affectionate in some way. Lawrence may keep bugging you if he thinks there is trouble in paradise.”

Ah. Good point. Excellent point. Derek was such a smart cookie. A smart cookie who was going to make Stiles kill over. Fake affection or not.

This was going to be an interesting week. Maybe even a little fun.

If Stiles didn't die from it.

~+~

Thank god the night of the party came by swiftly. Stiles was certain he was going to have a heart attack with all the affection Derek and he had been practicing. It was certainly not curing his not so small crush on the man. In fact...it was making it a million times worse.

At least it would be fun while it lasted...

Stiles picked up Derek an hour before the party was to start, wanting to get them to it quick so that they could leave quicker. And what does that bastard do? Dress in Stiles' favorite pair of jeans – the ones that fit tightly over that ass – and wear that damned maroon sweater with the thumb holes. The thumb holes!

This was it. This was how he died.

Derek briefly commented on how nice Stiles looked, which did not help matters. And it was made worse when Derek mentioned he had always thought that the simple black t-shirt and maroon skinny jeans looked perfect on him.

Yep. Death. Death was upon him. Maybe not swiftly, but it was upon him!

When they arrived at the party, a few people were there. (Not Lawrence or Georgina, though.) They were gawking at the man Stiles was holding hands with upon entrance. Gawked more when Derek introduced himself with the most genuine, sweetest voice Stiles had ever heard. And he was smiling. Actually smiling.

Lord...give him strength...

Upon Georgina's arrival, which was done loud and spectacularly, she spotted Stiles and Derek instantly. She flocked right on over, suffocating them with hugs and peppered kisses. She bombarded them with questions – the same ones she had been asking Stiles all week. While Stiles stuttered a little, a bit overwhelmed, Derek handled it like a bonafide pro.

“We met when he was sixteen. He was trespassing on my family's old property.”

“Yes! He is such a blanket hog!”

“He introduced me to his mom first. It was a little easier since I, uh, wasn't on good terms with his dad at the time.”

“Mmmm. Yes. He does all the cooking. I'm the baker.”

“No no! You're fine! I'm actually working on trying to regain my family's property. I'm thinking of rebuilding the house. We have a lot of gatherings with our friends and their families, so a bigger place would definitely be the best thing for us.”

It was dizzying trying to keep up. At the same time...it was...nice to see Derek open up like this. He really wasn't telling much lies. Most of it was truthful. Of course the supernatural was left out of it, and most of the lies were about the romance part of their relationship. Other than that, Derek was very honest and sincere and smiling the entire time he spoke with Georgina.

This was just adding to the non helpful things this was doing to Stiles' crushing.

Then...Lawrence showed up.

The very second he saw Derek and Stiles, his face soured. He came up to them, introducing himself to Derek, and, for some reason, was sizing up the werewolf. It was close to impossible for Stiles to hold back a snarky comment.

Not so much for Derek.

“Are you checking me out?” he scoffed. “I'm sorry, sir, but I'm happily taken by this tall drink of water right here.”

Then, then then...Derek decided it would be a great idea to kiss Stiles on the temple.

The hole punches on his Lord, Give Me Strength card was all punched out.

Almost passed out from the rush of adrenaline he suddenly gained.

Lawrence swallowed, eye twitching and face straining to contain a horribly fake smile. “And what a drink of water he is.”

“Isn't he?!” Derek said in a sweet, giddy, close to high pitched voice. “God, I'm surprised no one has tried to take him away. I mean, it was a problem in the past. A huge problem. 'Course, it happens to me, too. I guess we're both irresistible.”

It took everything in Stiles' power to not choke on laughter. It was clear that Derek was talking about Lawrence. Hinting that his advances weren't welcomed. Lawrence's eye twitched again, and his smile was faltering. So was Derek's.

Shit was about to go down.

Stiles could feel it.

The werewolf straightened his posture, showing his true height, and flared his nostrils. “Stiles tells me that you've been making unwanted advances towards him.”

Lawrence snorted, the fear in his eyes visible. “They weren't unwanted. He welcomed them full heartily.”

Brow raised. Jaw tightened. Oh no. Not that face. “Are you calling Stiles a liar?”

“I might be. He does make tall tales. Like how you two are dating.”

“Ah. Hate to break it to you, but we are. Have been for years. On and off.”

“Oh. On and off, huh?”

Derek crossed his arms, puffing his chest out. Had that infamous glare on. “You make it sound like you have a chance with him. Well, hate to break this to you as well, but you don't.”

“Oh, I do already. I mean, we did share a nice kiss last week. It was pretty X-Rated.”

Okay. Stiles had to step in. Or else Derek was going to strangle this bozo.

He got in front of Derek, an arm left behind him so that he could press against Derek's chest. He gave Lawrence the dirtiest look he could muster, curling his lip into a mock snarl. At this point, he could see from the corner of his eye that their coworkers were watching the show – hanging by every word, every action. 

Frickin' nosy bodies.

“Lawrence, cut the shit. You're trying to puff yourself up like a peacock, and it is idiotic. Drop it. Accept that I'm not ever going to be interested in you. Move on. Quit being a creeper. I'm with Derek, and that's the end of it. Give it up. Especially since I can tell you're about to shit your pants.”

Lawrence, good ol' headache inducing Lawrence, laughed. Sort of maniacally. But it wasn't intimidating. It was just...weird. Super weird. Like he was trying to trick himself into being less scared. He then patted Stiles' shoulder, which made Derek lurch forward a smidge, and grinned.

“Oh, Stiles. I would. I honestly would. But you see...I don't believe you two are dating. And once I prove it, you'll owe me a date.”

“I won't owe you anything! So back the fuck off! You know something, Lawrence? I am so sick of your -”

Suddenly, Derek swooped Stiles off his feet, carrying him bridal style away from Lawrence. He took them over to where Georgina ran off to, where he set Stiles back down and sparked up a cheery conversation with her. Acting like nothing had happened between them and Lawrence.

Everyone else had as well.

Lawrence kept stealing glances at Stiles and Derek, which was unnerving. Each time Derek caught Lawrence doing that, he wrapped an arm around Stiles, pressing a kiss to his temple, and promising that he was safe. With each kiss – Stiles shuddered. He felt his knees go weak and his stomach swoop.

Derek was way too damn good with this pretending...

The rest of the night went off without a hitch. It was actually a fun party. Eventually, however, Stiles was getting worn out by being around this many people. Derek, too. They excused themselves and finally left to go back to their homes.

During the drive, Stiles struggled with words. He had to find the right ones that would ring gratitude. Because he was grateful for Derek doing this for him. Despite it being a little painful to think that those little kisses and other affectionate actions wouldn't happen between them again.

“Derek?” he finally said quietly.

“Mmm?”

“I...thanks. For doing this for me. And for helping me with Lawrence.”

“Anything for you.”

He chuckled nervously, turning into the parking lot for Derek's loft. “Yeah, well, you were pretty good at the whole fake boyfriend thing. Too bad Lawrence didn't seemed convinced. But the guy is known for feeding off of denial.”

Derek hummed, contemplating something.

It wasn't until Stiles parked that he said what was on his mind.

“You know...I think I'd be pretty good at being a real boyfriend. If you're interested.”

It was a very very good thing that Stiles was parked. Because he would've slammed on the brakes if he wasn't. He gaped at Derek with jaw hung open. He could not believe what he just heard. For a moment, he was certain that he heard wrong.

Judging by Derek's expectant expression, he hadn't heard wrong.

He flailed, hitting a hand on the roof of the Jeep. “You're – are you serious? Are you teasing me? Because if you are...it's not...it's not fun -”

Derek silenced him with a kiss. On the lips. It was soft, tender. Sucked the air right out of Stiles' lungs.

When it stopped, Stiles found himself chasing the taste. Chasing after someone he thought was unattainable. He felt a hand cupping his face, caressing it gently, cautiously, like it was scared to break him. Didn't have to open his eyes to know the look on Derek's face. Had seen it before. He just thought it was never for him.

“Want me to swing by on your next work day and take you to lunch?”

Stiles grinned wickedly, allowing himself to finally stare into Derek's gaze. “I didn't give you an answer.”

“Mmm...think I know that you're interested.”

“Hmph. Cocky ass.”

“Only when I know I'm right. So...about taking you to lunch the next time you work...”

“Make that a two or three times a week thing, lunch dates or you bring me lunch, rub it all over Lawrence's face, and you've got yourself a deal.”

Derek chuckled, daring to place a kiss on one of Stiles' eyes. “Deal.” He pressed a kiss on the corner of Stiles' mouth, smirking when his boyfriend (Real one! Not fake! Holy crap...) shuddered. “Want to stay over? Or should I stay over at your place?”

Stiles' heart did back flips. Spending the night already? They were moving so fast!

Then again...

“My pillow is in my room...”

“Mmmm...your place it is. And, uh, you have anything I can borrow?”

“Sweats? Maybe a double extra large shirt? Wait, we're right here! You could just run in and grab something!”

The werewolf shrugged, bobbling his head around as if he was playfully thinking about it. “I could. But I'd rather go to your place as soon as possible. It smells like you.”

“Awww! You like how I smell!”

“Well...yeah. You smell like honey spices and fresh oranges. It's pleasant. Soothing.”

Stiles teased him about that the entire drive to his apartment. Once they arrived, they got ready for bed and just...cuddled. Talked about date plans. Took guesses on how the pack was going to react. Discussed what days would be the days Derek would swing by Stiles' work to either drop off lunch or take him to lunch. Even tossed ideas back and forth on what the layout of the new Hale house should be.

It was nice.

It was different, yet the same.

It felt like this was how it was supposed to be. How it always had been.

It was the first night in years that Stiles slept through without waking once.

It was also the first time since his mom that he woke up to breakfast being brought to him in bed.

Stiles, already, may be just a little in love.

Okay...a lot in love. But one step at a time. He would have a perfect opportunity to say it eventually. Right now...right now he wanted to enjoy this. The true beginning of them.

And if he was having a blast gloating about his boyfriend making the best, goddamn chocolate chip pancakes he had ever tasted to every single person that would listen, that was okay. Because Derek made the best, goddamn chocolate chip pancakes he had ever tasted!

And that was not pretend.

[viralhottopics]

‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins

Jambo, morons! Welcome back to another riveting season of where the success rate is similar to the cast members combined IQs: practically non-existent. But hey, were Americans. We love shit that is destined to failwhether its reality shows or President-elects. Its our cross to bear.

ANNNNYWAYS. So MTV had a hard job to do: top the group of idiots that made up season 4. And thankfully for you, but mostly for me, they did just that. Shoutout to you MTV, you da real MVP.

Also, as many of you know, I tend to feature quotes from my loveable, yet incredibly cruel mother in these recaps. You think Im bad? She once called a woman in Starbucks a psycho bitch because she took the last of the skinny vanilla mix. True story. DM me for details. Lets begin now.

This season MTV really went for #culture and decided to have the show in the Dominican Republic. Even reality shows get island fever, I guess. I mean, you can really only throw so many group orgys/luaus so many times on one show.

Ryan Devlin, the host who you feel bad for like 99% of the time, meets up with the cast and is like you guys all suck at and theyve all been trained to say relationships. Of course they all forget their one fucking line and just sound like they are saying random shit.

RYAN: You guys suck at CASTMATE 1: Relationships! CASTMATE 2: Tomato! CASTMATE 3: Unicorn piss! CASTMATE 4: 9/11 was a hoax!

We meet Tyranny (Mom Quote: IS HER NAME TRANNY!?! theyre so cute when they are mildly offensive) says that all of her boyfriends have either cheated on her or knocked other girls up. In the words of Donald Trump: Sad! Very Unfair!

Theres Jaylan who used to be a loser, hit the gym, now gets pussy. Male Laney Boggs. Tale as old as time. Moving on.

Taylor: hottest girl on the show easily, talks about how her dad would kill some of the men she has dated, low-key concerned for her safety and the safety of others.

Theres Joey, the povo as fuck part-time garbage man who spent his last remaining dollars on a gaudy watch. Obviously a very smart investor. Didnt know sent kids on scholarship. Im just happy hes honest about being a garbage man and doesnt try and be like Im a sanitation assistant. Not that any of them know what sanitation means.

Joey is def hot though10/10 would bang, just to get hook up with blue collar worker off my bucket list.

REAL PICTURE OF JOEY:

THE FIRST DATE RULES

Ryan explains about how they do comprehensive interviews and questionnaires to develop and algorithm that eventually finds their match. You know poor Joey didnt know what was happening after comprehensive.

This season, theres another twist: there are 11 guys and 11 girls, but they only get ten chances. Obviously MTV was giving away too much money with this show, so they made more couples. What? Youre thinking it.

For the first date, MTV acted like a bunch of fucking narcs and sent bios to the contestants’ parents so mom and dad can pick who they think is a match. Everyone is like, Mom dont fuck this up for me.

My mom: If you were ever on this show I would literally never acknowledge you again. (Fair enough.)

Joeys mom picks Carolina, whos like okay cool, whatever. She doesnt know hes a garbage man yet, so give her a break.

Hannah’swho is from my hometown, hey girlfamily picks Oswaldo, a self-described horny genius. Welp, I think a line like that means its time for a shot. Brb.

Anyway, Hannah is like I would rather eat my own spleen then date Oswaldo. (paraphrase)

Giannas mom chose Hayden and they start hugging and are like . Fucking spare me. The other fucking losers have to send these couples to the truth booth after their date.

BACK TO THE HOUSE

The castmates get to their dungeon for the next few months and drinks are flowing and shirts are off. I remember my first sip of alcohol.

Cassandra is drunk and is wanting to touch everyones face. She like Im so flirty when Im drunk which is a weird way of saying Im a hoe.

Its Mikes birthday today. Hes like its my birthday so someone fuck me. *plays Birthday Sex* *stares aggressively at all the women*

Mike describes himself as a typical Staten Island boy. His hobbies include moisturizing, mispronouncing half the English language and fapping off to girls who look like Snooki.

Ozzy is a local, so you know he is dirty as fuck. Kathryn goes to Florida State, you know shes hot as fuck, but also borderline brain-dead.

Shes like I WANT TO BE A TEACHER! and its like, sure ya do sweetie, and I want to be a fucking astronaut. Stick to what you know and continue being a TFM girl.

Ozzy and Kathryn both want to be teachers. Snoreeeeee. Shes already like Im in lovewell folks, weve met the stage-5 clinger for the season.

Michael the douchebagnot be confused with Mike, the little man from Staten Islandis laying it on THICK to Taylor and she is not having it. Taylor has officially become my favorite on the show so far.

MICHAEL:Hey pretty lady TAYLOR:Ew seriously? Girls with asses like mine do not talk to guys with faces like yours.

Shes like youre so full of shit and Im like SAY IT LOUDER FOR THE PEOPLE IN THE BACK, TAYLOR.

Hayden and Gianna are talking about how they both have dogs and both like corn and other pretty basic shit and decide theyre going to be together forever.

GIANNA: I breathe air HAYDEN: No way, I breathe air!!!

They both have the flyover state bond, with Hayden being from Indiana and Gianna being from Ohio. Its always cute to see two people from middle America bond and discuss the fact that they fucked the rest of us over. True love.

Everyone is like Hayden and Gianna are a match, even though theyve all known each other for 3 seconds.

Joey the trash man is telling people that hes going to be a carpenter, much like a 3rd grader would say Mommy, Im going to be a superhero! Shannon brings me the biggest laugh of the night by asking him to do her carpets, clearly not knowing what a carpenter is. Shit like that makes me miss my sorority.

Ozzy is chain-smoking and being like I DONT WANT TO BE THE OLD ME. Aka, me on New Years Eve.

Kathryn and Ozzy are drunk as fuck and being flirty and going WE WANT TO HELP KIDS!!!! You stay the fuck away from my future children, Rush-Boobs and Ozzy.

Michael is talking to Gianna and starts telling a sob story about how he was chubby and he blossomed. If I had a nickel for every time I heard that one. No seriously, every fucking season they have one of these guys.

MTV CASTING: Ok we need at least one hick, one former fat dude, one ripped black guy and one oddly feminine guy. Search the fucking country.

Michael starts asking Gianna about her open-heart surgery, gets bored halfway through and just starts sucking her face. Okay. Well that escalated quickly. Quote from mom: He doesnt give a shit about her faulty heart. Hes trying to get laid. Profound.

Rush-Boobs wants to make Ozzy jealous and starts low-key hooking up with Mike. Fantastic logic, cant wait for you to educate our youth.

Then we meet Andre, who has trust issues because the girl he liked since 8th grade literally sat on his friends lap. Meanwhile, Tyrannys boyfriends are having children, but OKAY. #dramatic

Alicia is the perpetual sidepiece, aka every womans enemy.

Ozzy and Kathryn already think they are a match and Ozzy forgive Rush-Boobs for hooking up with Mike because hes a cheater too, so this is karma. Wow, how fucking zen of you.

THE DATE

Hayden dresses in camo for the date and Gianna is like You can take the boy out of Indiana, but you cant make him dress like a normal fucking human.

Its very clear Gianna is over Hayden, whereas Hayden hasnt been this excited since he attended a Donald Trump rally last summer.

GIANNA: FML HAYDEN: *excitedly whispers* Build that wall! Build that wall!

Joey just looks like a trash man, like, just in life. He has resting garbage man face.

Hannah does not like Oswaldo, its very obvious. Shes going to call her parents and demand a raise in her monthly allowance for making her suffer through this bullshit.

Gianna starts kissing Hayden and shes like Ill give him a chance. How fucking noble of you.

Carolina and Joey are talking about their parents and Joey tells her that he would never cheat on a girl and Carolina damn near creams her pants. They kiss and meanwhile the whole audience is wondering does she know hes a trash man? That dramatic irony, doe.

THE TRUTH BOOTH

ShockerHayden and Gianna to the truth booth. Michael is like WE MADE OUT LAST NIGHT but Im not jealous.

MICHAEL: Im not even mad! NARRATOR: Michael was, in fact, very mad.

Ah, but there is a truth booth twist! They can trade in truth booth and add $150,000 to their prize. But if they take the money then Hayden and Gianna can never get sent back together.

The house is torn. Im torn. Im all out of faith, this is how I feel.

*Starts Twitter poll asking people what they would do*

They decide not to take the trade, which my mom and I both agree is stupid.

And lookie here: No match. So thats done.

Michael is thrilled. My mom thinks he looks like a baby rat. Cannot un-see that.

Gianna gives a speech basically saying that she didnt feel it the whole time and everyone is like okay cool thanks for telling us, *whispers* ya fuckin bitch.

We also very quickly meet Kam, who has a rotation of men because #feminism. And Edward, who has a chest tattoo. Thats it for now.

Gianna goes to hang out with Michael and hes over it. He makes her cry, I dont really care, blah blah blah, moves on with life. Gianna and Michael are going to be the annoying couple this season. Buckle up.

MATCH CEREMONY

This season they have the blackout rule again but this time they cut the winnings in half if they blackout. Thats way harsh, Tai.

First is Kam and Eddy. Shes building up her newest rotation.

Taylor picks Tyler, who is hot. Wait what? Why did they not introduce the hot guy? What is this fuckery, MTV? They also sound like they could be identical twins.

Kari, dont know her yet so whatever, picks little man Mike.

Casandra picks Kaylen.

Caroline picks Joey.

Tyranny and Oswaldo. Can I just call you Tee? Im going to call you Tee, because Im one letter away from being low-key fucked up.

Giannas dumb ass is up and shes like I HAVE A GREAT CONNECTION WITH MICHAEL so obviously shes going to pick Ozzy.

Tee and Alicia are pissed and threatening to curb stomp this bitch. Fuck yes, this is what I signed up for. Gianna is like Leave me alone everyone, Im proving this to Michael! Literally all you proved was that youre crazy AND stupid.

Hannah picks Michael.

Alicia picks Andre.

Rush-Boobs picks Derek, who is also hot as fuck. Also, Rush-Boobs laugh reminds me of Kitty from. I know. Its all you can think about now.

Shannon, who btw really needs her carpets cleaned, picks Hayden.

Well this is excitingthey get two matches. Not bad for week one. They dont make me want to kill myselfyet.

Ryan gives the follow your heart speech that we hear every fucking episode and the cast goes back to the house to turn the fuck up.

So far, off to an interesting start. Gotta say, good-looking cast this season. Dumb as rocks, but good-looking. Come back next week to see what other shit I can talk about my peers who are doing far worse than I am. Peace, bitches.

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from ‘Are You The One?’ Recap: So It Begins