#ed out here starting all of these gender posts in the most awkward way possible

[tatteredxsails]

@swallowsandamazons liked for a starter

Ed crossed his ankles on his desk, taking a draw off of his pipe. He was in a sedate mood, lulled further by the mixture of herbs burning hot in the bowl. He exhaled the smoke in a gust... and made an effort to mask his cough (unsuccessfully) by clearing his throat into the crook of his elbow.

Ely was in the cabin with him, cleaning up. Ed had a habit of collecting things that equally had a habit of collecting dust. It made for good busy work. That, and Edward's habit of discarding things that bored him or that he ceased to have a use for. Like the burned up remains of matches.

"Come talk to me," Ed said after a moment of watching the youth. "C'mon. Sit."

[lost-in-our-words]

“Stellar Hearts” Chapter I (Part I): Juliana

Again, thanks to anybody who offers any suggestions, corrections, or constructive criticism. Before I start, I need to be sure to state that this story belongs to me, so please do not copy this story in any way, shape, or form. I want to make sure I’m making my posts easy to read. And, without further ado, here is Chapter I of Stellar Hearts.

---

Autumn was settling over Haynes, evident by the display of fiery hues replacing the natural green of the trees’ leaves. It was the first of October, and by now I was beginning to see residents of the isolated town break out their heavy jackets and scarves. Meanwhile, I was huddled with my friend, Mya Townsend, inside of the Cabin, a modest, yet charming restaurant which sat humbly on the outskirts of Haynes, overlooking the Foxborough woods. The two of us were partaking in our annual tradition of enjoying a warm cup of hot cocoa from one of the local restaurants when the month of Halloween struck. I watched Mya, who sat silently across from me, gazing out the large windows which had replaced the western wall of the quaint restaurant, intended to provide the restaurant’s patrons with a splendid view of the woods’ Autumn trees and their leaves which swayed back and forth ever so gently in the mid-afternoon breeze.

I ran my finger along the rim of a porcelain cup which sat in front of me on the polished table, half empty of the chocolate beverage and completely drained of what whipped cream that had arrived with it. Compared to some of the other hot cocoa’s Mya and I had tasted over the previous years, this one was quite a letdown. Between its more watered down taste and the lack of marshmallows, I was sorely disappointed. Nonetheless, hot cocoa was hot cocoa, and thus I continued to sip away, as did my friend.

Mya sat upright in her chair and ran her fingers, whose nails were glossed over with a vibrant pink, through her blonde, bobbed hair. I had learned that this signal meant she was interested in starting up a conversation. However, she was never the best at bringing about a discussion, and so, instead, I cleared my throat and offered a question to her.

“You’ve been attending that college for a couple months now,” I began, my hands now clasped around the warm mug containing the disappointing drink. “Have you figured what major you may be interested in pursuing?”

Mya glanced up with a delighted smirk on her face, more than likely because a conversation had been stirred.

With a shake of her head, she explained to me that she still hadn’t the slightest clue what she may be interested in. “I’ve still been trying to wrap my head around a few possibilities, but they all seem to not be quite what I’m looking for.” She paused for a moment and glanced into her cup, seemingly studying the bits of whipped cream which still floated on the surface of the liquid. As she lifted the mug in her hands and enjoyed the warmth which radiated from it, albeit not taking another sip, she continued. “Alexus told me before senior walkout that she was considering studying a foreign language, and, thinking that perhaps she was onto something, I had convinced myself that such a major may be interesting. Thus, I enrolled in a French class this semester, but it just isn’t enthralling enough to peak my enthusiasm.”

“Enthralling?” I questioned. “That’s some impressive vocabulary for you, don’t you think?” Of course, I was joking around with my friend, but I had never expected to hear the word “enthralling” to escape her lips.

Ignoring my remark, she continued to tell of her journey through searching for a major. “After plan A failed, I tested out a few other ideas, pondering them for some time and weighing the pros and cons. I’ve sat in on a pair of classes, including an introductory sociology class and a women’s studies class which covered gender equality.” Mya lowered her head and seemed to enjoy a faint whiff of the hot cocoa before again looking up from her mug with a particularly unamused look. “Picking a major is a ‘major’ pain in the ass, Juliana. Although, I am sure you understand my pain. Tell me, have you come any closer to discovering what you’d like to do with your life?”

She got me there. While Mya was currently attending the Haynes Community College to explore her options while also knocking out some gen-eds, I diverged from her path. Likewise to her, I was indecisive in regards to my future, but had no intention of attending classes when I was still in the dark. This was not due to financial issues as many suspected, especially as my parents are offering to cover tuition and any other expenses, but rather an issue concerning avoiding a “mental overload” as I described it. I wasn’t exactly the best at managing schoolwork in high school, and so instead, while the majority of my graduating class is spreading across the United States to pursue careers, I had made the decision to take a year off from schooling and instead am focusing on my side business of photography in the meantime. Simply enough, it was named “Juliana’s Photography,” a cheap service as I wasn’t the most talented person with Nikon, but I could provide half-decent senior portraits to those who resented the thought of paying top-dollar for something so insignificant as photographs that may live only in a scrapbook or on a house wall, and to my amazement, the business was doing rather well. In fact, I had just returned from a photo shoot and still had my carrying case full of equipment resting beside me, and after stating that I was no closer to coming across an attractive major, Mya turned her attention to this photo shoot instead, curious as to how it had gone.

I offered a vague shrug. “The shoot was nothing spectacular. Nothing out of the ordinary occurred. My subject, a fairly pretty girl from Jefferson, had this obsession with fixing her hair nonstop despite being perhaps the most photogenic person I had ever come across. Thus, to my dismay, it would take several shots before I could ultimately snap a picture where she didn’t have her fingers up and tangled in her black hair.” As I reflected on the photo shoot, the corner of my lip flicked with a delicate twitch. “Now that I think back to it, however, little miss Priss was quite the nuisance, constantly insisting that another photograph be taken because of one tiny issue that could hardly be noticed, and no matter how many times I assured her that I could fix whatever the hell it was in editing, she begged for ‘one more picture just to be safe.’”

“I couldn’t have the patience for such an annoying client,” Mya joked as a response, then continuing to sip the last of her hot cocoa.

I offered a faint chuckle in response, drawing a look of confusion from Mya. From irritation, my mood returned to collected as I recounted what occurred following the session. “Except the mother offered to pay extra, obviously understanding how much a pain her daughter was being,” I added.

“How much?”

“Double what I was charging her. As tremendously as I wanted to accept the extra payment though, I refused. I was just being humble. Nonetheless, the mother shoved the large amount of cash into my hands and scurried off with her daughter before I could reiterate that I simply couldn’t accept it.”

Mya slammed her palm on the table and sent a stern glare my way, claiming that I was an imbecile for turning down such a glorious offer. However, deep in her sea green eyes, I could see a glimmer of humor. Before I knew it, she was bursting out in a fit of laughter, dubbing her comment as a joke and begging that I should not take her seriously, and surely, I wasn’t going to take her serious anyways. She is a terrible jokester after all. Anybody with functioning eyesight could see straight through her charades.

Returning to a sitting position on the wooden chair, she took a deep breath to regain her composure. Mya sure could crack herself up.

Our conversation went silent for a moment following the madness, and amongst the discomforting feeling of the ensuing awkwardness, Mya cleared her throat. Between her lips, I spotted a thin opening as if she prepared to speak, yet not a word came out. So, in an attempt to move the conversation forward, I reached down and unzipped the unvarnished black bag sitting by my feet, keeping an eye on my friend’s fingers which glided softly along her mug as she eyed me curiously. Searching throughout the bag, my hand moved between different lenses and filters before finally arriving at my camera.

“We were originally supposed to travel out to some field by the zoo about fifteen minutes east of town,” I started, “But the clients gave me a ring last night and said they discovered this small garden up on the northern outskirts of Haynes. It’s a wonderful venue, public and free to enter, and it actually made a great backdrop in my opinion.”

Pulling the camera out of my bag and switching it on, I handed the bulky device over to Mya. “Take a look,” I insisted simply with a faint smile curled upon my lips.

Graciously, she took the camera and focused her attention to the small screen on the backside of it. For a few silent moments following, she examined the pictures one by one, quietly dissecting the images and admiring the background which I had glorified. Some of the photographs had the high school senior sitting impatiently upon a granite stone wall with an array of colorful flowers, primarily irises and tulips, behind her. In others, she was standing with her back against an old wooden shed that we had found, the timber structure rustic in nature. However, perhaps my favorite photograph was the one with the black-haired woman holding a vibrant scarlet rose to her nose as she took a whiff of its floral scent. My reverence for the photograph, however, arose from how genuinely candid it was. It took one snap of the shutters for photo to be recorded, unlike all of the other pictures which required numerous attempts. There was no need for fixing the hair, no “one more photo just in case,” but simply a wonderful portrait.

Mya paused on one of the images, and reflecting off of her pupils, I could vaguely make out the photo that I had appreciated.

“Being here in Haynes, it meant I didn’t have to get in my car and drive anywhere as well.” I dug my heel into the carpeted floor and offered a faint smirk. “That was a plus.”

My friend’s emerald eyes rolled with misunderstanding as she gently let my camera down onto the table, and slowly, she relaxed back into her chair, sending a somewhat irked glare my way. “I’ve never understood what your quarrel with driving is,” she commented with her arms crossed loosely in front of her stomach.

This was not the first time that she questioned my distaste towards driving, and sure enough it would not be the last. Never did I understand why she was so passionate about understanding this uncommon trait of mine, but she always seemed determined to convert me into a lover of driving. “I’m serious, Juliana,” she reiterated, but now with a very gentle smirk creeping their way onto her face.

“Driving is stressful,” I responded modestly. “You must have said it a thousand times how driving gives you some sort of freedom, but I hate being responsible for a two-ton vehicle on a road with a bunch of maniacs who seem to have no respect for the rules of the road.”

“Stickler,” Mya mumbled.

“I’m sorry that I don’t want to get myself killed!” I sputtered, not angrily, but more in quick retaliation, accidentally sending a shot of saliva towards Mya. She flinched from the flying fluid as it landed on the table in front of her. In embarrassment, I swiftly covered my hands over my mouth.

How disgusting that must have been?

Instead of an appalled reaction, however, my friend once again broke into a fit, and by that point, we had turned into a pair of girls sharing a bout of giggles in the restaurant, drawing the attention of the other customers. Through my joyful tears, I could see a few other people scattered here and there, generally patrons similar to our age, becoming infected by the contagious laughter as well. The mature joint was no longer quiet with hushed gossip, instead being overcome with multiple tables sharing in the mirth that we were not able to contain within ourselves. Our waiter, seemingly aggravated with the sudden guffaw, returned to our table with checks in hand, settling them upright in front of Mya and I respectively before walking off without another word. Taking the hint, the two of us signed our checks, ensuring to tip the waiter as apology for the unwanted outburst, and dashing off quickly once we were free to. Thus, us two women, still suffering from an unstoppable frenzy of laughter, were left outside face to face with the boundless Foxborough Woods.

[courage-a-word-of-justice]

Astra 4 - 6 | Demon Slayer 17 - 19 | Cop Craft 4 - 6 | Dr Stone 3 - 6 | Fruits Basket 15 - 19 | Given 3 - 5

Astra 4

How does anyone wash their hands with a spacesuit on?

Those exaggerated faces (reaction to candy plants) weren’t in the manga. Good thing too – they improve on the source.

Hey, man (Ulgar)! “Big girl” is offensive. (I’m probably saying that because I’m not too big myself.)

The *ding ding ding!* was pretty hilarious…LOL.

I remember this was pretty harsh to read for me the first time…because y’know what they say about representation mattering in feminist studies/articles? Yeah, that. (Exactly how I’m represented? That I’ll leave to your imagination…)

Aw, the Gruppie sounds adorable!

I think I’ve said this already, but Kanata uses the word “zetsubou” – despair, not necessarily “hopeless” – to say what he says.

Demon Slayer 17

I was a bit confused as to why Inosuke was majorly angry all the time, but then I realised that he’s not necessarily angry, per se - he is just majorly competitive.

*head on spider legs appears* ARGHHHHHHHHHHH! That reminds me of that head on spider legs from Toy Story…I seem to remember that freaked me out to some degree. I’m actually not afraid of spiders, but show me an image for “trypophobia” (fear of tiny holes) or stick me somewhere high up without secure footing…and I’m gone.

This episode is…great! I’m cursing as I watch, but it’s great! The CGI is adding to the creepiness! Also, I so didn’t expect Zenitsu to have black hair.

I agree with Zenitsu’s master, he is a moron…

…but truth be told, I think I see myself in him. That’s probably why I find him so annoying. Lately, I’ve found there are periods where I resent myself more than anyone else…and that’s the scariest part about living life. But I can’t complain, because I put my name down to help others in the same situation.

Z-Zenitsu! I-I’m sorry I ever doubted you! I’m so sorry…! I promise I’ll stop thinking you’re annoying, because you remind me of meeeeeeeeeee…! *sob, snivel, sob…*

Ukogiiiiiiiiii! Wahhhhhhhhh!

Hmm…you can smell rain. I’ve smelt it before. But thunderclouds…? Not so much.

Demon Slayer 18

“Rookie Mizunoto join the battle!” – The Smash Bros intro is a fun way to introduce people, no?

I thought Shinobu Kocho was Naruto running, but instead she has her jacket on her shoulders…so it only looks like Naruto running.

CG models are back to being awkward again…

“If you can’t slash something with one sword, you just gotta pound it with another sword!” – Basically, the philosophy of the entire shonen genre when dealing with swords.

“I’m gonna die.” – Well, there’s some words I thought I’d never hear from Inosuke…

Oh yeah…I forgot Inosuke’s never met Giyu.

Hmm…I’ve been suspecting Rui is the member of the 12 Kizuki as a demon with lower possibility of being so (but being raised by Ply’s hint during our collab and Tanjiro’s fight), but I’m more certain of the father being the 12 Kizuki based on what the series has shown us already. Hmm…so who is it???

*starts watching Taisho Secret* Wait, where did Giyu come from??? *watches again* Oh, he appears from above…! Interesting…

Hmm…I like salmon onigiri myself. I also like tuna…most flavours, really.

Cop Craft 4

The man (?) with the purplish hair who called Kei over is meant to be a gay stereotype or at least close to one. Aside from his (?) appearance, you can tell by him (?) nding his sentences with “wa”.

Marth’s post for ep. 4 said “And Suddenly, Vampires”, so…I’m thinking about how Cop Craft actually does the horror vibe really well as I watch.

Aw, these cliffhangers suck! I’m starting to thank myself that I ran behind on every show but Demon Slayer.

Cop Craft 5

O-Oh, the CG is getting worse…

Who was the 2nd person dead? The 1st was Chapman…

Astra 5

As I’m laughing at the reactions from the makeover (because I knew this was coming), I’m simultaneously wondering…holding those scissors in the way you’re doing is dangerous, Luca!!!

Oh great…midseason animation slump. This is only the 2nd show to suffer from that this season…and I’ve only caught up on 3 shows so far.

“Mine is bigger!” “No, mine is!” – Ah, anime boys and their ability to make things vaguely Freudian when out of context…*slight sweatdrop*

*slow pan, with a final shot on Aries’s boobs* - Oh, really…? *grumpy*

*…then proceeds to do boob shots of all the girls* Oh, really?!? You wanna go, show?! You were doing so well, up until this episode!!! I didn’t read past volume 2 of the manga, so this beach stuff is all new to me!!! Plus, it sucks because boob shots are everywhere!!!

“…approach him like that…”

People have been pointing this out, but McPa = Camp, Shummoor = Mushroom, Vilavurs = Survival…so Arispade = Paradise.

Ulgar really reminds me of Tooi, even though he came first…

Dr Stone 3

Taiju’s ugly tears make me go “d’aww” now that this scene is animated…it was nice in manga format, but even better when it was moving and with colour.

Now that I think about it, Tsukasa’s “benefit of the new world” talk reminds me of Death Note.

Senku trying to steal Kamakura Buddha bronze looks like Bart Simpson…

Boueibu should’ve taught you that Hakone is home to hot springs.

Dr Stone 4

You don’t fire a smoke signal…

Oh wow, Mecha Senku! Wouldya lookit that! *points at him* He answers questions in the manga, so I didn’t think he’d get adapted!

Are those…CGI trees? Oh great, why does all shonen these days need CGI trees???

Fighting over established interests means a Thucydides trap (a mini version of which seems to be playing out here with Tsukasa)…that’s basically the only thing I remember from my old politics classes.

I just noticed Yuzuriha refers to all the boys with –kun. She wants to stay friends with all of them…I guess even Tsukasa’s on that list, huh?

Hmm…Senku’s eyes are a reddish colour, but otherwise he’s normally representd with blue to Taiju’s red…

I just realised Senku has a red pen and a black pen in one of his breast pockets.

Aww…it’s nice to have rivals who aren’t 100% evil for once. Sure, pure evil rivals are easy to write but hard to justify. Good guys with one morally wrong aspect to them are harder to write, but easier to get behind. (Plus, at least they’re not Sasuke-style angsty.)

Dr Stone 5

So…I went searching…and I was wondering why I wanted to claim Tsukasa as husbando (but man, he’s a bit more stereotypical for a gal to fall in love with – all girls like bad guys, amirite???), but as it turns out, Senku and his buds from our era (Tsukasa included) are 18 and so are ripe for the husbando/waifu picking (not to mention they’re technically over 3700 years old, which more than makes them legal for things like drinking alcohol, as Senku himself pointed out a few eps back).

D’aww…this was in the manga, but now I find Tsukasa inserting himself into Senku’s flashback cute.

Notably, Gen Asagiri appears on the front of the book this student is asking the question from. Who’s Gen Asagiri, you ask, my dear anime-only random nonexistent entity I type these notes for? You’ll find out…soon.

Hmm…Yuzuriha is more observant than we give her credit for. Also, Senku pulled a Gen Asagiri right there…LOL.

LOL…those ‘shrooms seem massively symbolic. They were also in the manga, IIRC.

Why does Yuzuriha wear a neck scarf, anyway?

Hey, they even managed to get the game-like text box right! Awesome! (It reminds me of Little Alchemy, to be honest.)

“Himo” translates to rope…or a cord. Just FYI.

Astra 6

Eyyy…this show is calling me out.

Eyyyyy…Toi vibes from Ulgar!!!

Eyyyyy…wut? I can’t believe Anime Feminist was on the money here??? (Context: The reviewer for Astra said Luca was “one ambiguously-gendered character”.)

Hey…I once read a book with a 50% similarity to this plot. (There was a gay character – not intersex - and all the characters are adopted.)

I think Xenodude said this, but…in space, nobody can hear you scream.

I’m laughing so hard…why are Kanata’s abs the thing that hurt the most? (It’s because he’s got the harness in that region…forget I asked. It’s still funny though.)

“MILD THING” – Yep, Ulgar’s gonna be mild after what happened this episode…

Ohhhhh, I didn’t understand the “hairpiece” thing until it was revealed it was a toupee through context.

Ooh, 50% chance of lying here. Who to trust, who to trust? Charce or Aries? (I trust Aries, by the way.)

Dr Stone 6

The alien explanation etc. was in the manga, but…why do all the attackers look like Senku???

Senku does his best Thinker impression.

Eyyy! Fighter vs. fighter. I love this scene, even if only because Tsukasa (and his muscles) have the upper hand in both the visual angle and the power balance, although [BLEEP <- no spoilers!] has the surprise factor.

I remember learning once blonde hair is recessive…so does that mean most of the community is blonde? (I know the answer to that, but you, my non-existent anime-discussing entity, don’t.)

I’m tempted to hear Senku scream, “This. Is. SCIENCE!!!”

Fruits Basket 15

For some reason, videos run much faster on my phone than my laptop…

Hmm…this is the first time I’m properly listening to the 2nd ED…It’s kinda like how you’d expect an ED to be: quieter than an ED, but still serving up cuteness.

Fruits Basket 16

This episode’s visually very dark…

Middle School!Tohru reminds me of Hitori Bocchi.

Smol Uo looks like Kyo.

Fruits Basket 17

(nothing this time, sorry!)

Fruits Basket 18

Oh! I remember the matching scene in the manga (where Kisa bites Tohru for the first time).

I also remember the manga Hatsuharu is reading is called “Mogeta and the Ant” (Ari).

Now you see why Tohru is Kyoko’s daughter…

“…what her hair and eye colour were.”

Fruits Basket 19

The ep is called “I’m So Sorry!”…I think I know who’s going to star in this episode, alright…

For some reason, when I see Ritsu and Mitchan apologising to each other, I think of me and Astral…(LOL…?)

…Or maybe it reminds me of Zenitsu…?

Eyyyyyyyy, A-ya is A-ya…

This overly-apologetic character of Ritsu…this is why Martin was my favourite character back in the original Ro.Te.O days…*sighs while basking in nostalgia*

Demon Slayer 19

This episode’s been hyped since last week. Let’s get on with it!

Ooh, no pattern on this title card…

Wow (sarcastic), talk about infighting…but amazingly, I found Inosuke’s art shift to be funny for once in my life! (Amazing!...and yes, the exclamation of “Amazing!” is sincere)

Using terror is…well, Machiavellian. Hard power. You get my drift, right?

So basically, Rui breaks down the nuclear family for us.

Wait a flippin’ second…Hinokami (god of fire)? Charcoal selling? Water Breathing??? One of these is not like the others, for sure.

I get the feeling the father’s dance was recorded as video then converted to animation by ufotable staff…that’s what they did for YoI, no?

“The cold won’t bother you, either.” - Well, due to his fire theming, the cold never bothered Tanjiro anyway…*echoes of “Let It Go” suddenly play in the background*

Go for it, Nezuko! Be the Bakugo of the Demon Slayer world!

According to the credits, Tanjiro’s dad’s name is Tanjuro…that’s confusing, to say the least…

(Sorry Astral, the background noise while I was watching meant I did’t watch it with sound on…Also, is it wrong that I think the dad is hot??? Another thing: why do Tanjuro and Tanjiro have matching scars on their temples…?)

One of Tanjiro’s bros looks like Zenitsu??? Wuh???

Ooh, insert song “Kamado Tanjiro’s Song” by Go Shiina ft Nami Nakagawa. I’ll have to listen to it when I can. (Ever since SGRS, I’ve loved Go Shiina’s work…guess I didn’t expect it here, though.) Update: Misattributed the work. Go Shiina does videogame work, Sheens Ringo did SGRS stuf.

Given 3

I never knew that asking someone into a band was like asking someone out…(probably because I’ve never been in a band).

Given’s a frickin’ riot – that’s one reason I stuck with it.

I forgot Mafuyu was underage…!

Cop Craft 6

That car chase was basically Need for Speed…with worse graphics…

“Prayboy”…hmm…

I followed Kei’s advice to Google Jeffrey Dahmer…and I regret it.

The text says “Someone from the Semanian gang of thieves made contact.”

I didn’t make sense of “I hate being McCloud” until I rewound a bit and found that’s a disguise or alter ego of Tony’s.

“Shift the transmission into ‘Reverse’. The car will begin to roll backward sharply…” - The driving instructions are real, at least.

Given 4

Ehhhhh…still shots…

Kaji sure looks tough for a violinist…but a music major? Never thought he’d be one…(I saw some spoilers saying Kaji was a violinist before I watched the episode, hence my lack of surprise in that department.)

Not everyone’s in a band, y’know…

$120…? Nasty…

$70…

Ah, a layby? I don’t actually know what other countries call it, but where I am they’re called laybys, not layaways. (At the charity store I volunteer at, they call ‘em “holds”, though…which makes things even more confusing.)

Watching th first ep at the anime club made me realise that one had a piano version of Marutsuke, while this one is standard Marutsuke.

Given 5

Ooh, I see English-translated lyrics! Nice one, subbers! By the way, the title of the OP “Kizuato” sounds like it should translate to “Traces of Scars/Wounds” in English, but it’s in katakana, so I can’t confirm that…

It seems joining a band is a metaphor for love in this show…(see ep. 3 notes for more on that)

Holy moly! I’m still fairly new to BL/yaoi in general, so two-timing the boyfriend is not a trope ‘ve seen before, let alone dealt with in my head…

Ooh, more translated lyrics! That (ED singer) does sound like Mafuyu, come to think of it…

[ellenlucasonlinedatingblog]

Scarleteen Confidential: Helping Youth Handle Rejection

This is part of our series for parents or guardians. To find out more about the series, click here. For our top five guiding principles for parents or guardians click here; for a list of resources, click here. To see all posts in the series, click the Scarleteen Confidential tag below, or follow the series on Tumblr at scarleteenconfidential.tumblr.com.

It's a painful reality that shootings and other acts of mass violence are horrifically common in the U.S, spreading grief to individuals, families, and communities. Each time the news breaks about a new incident, we find ourselves in the midst of a cycle of “why does this happen and how can we stop it” news stories, op eds, and social media debates. It’s exhausting, heart-wrenching, and frustrating all at once. And even though we’re seeing measures, many of them youth-led, to change the laws around gun access and school safety, the average adult may feel a bit helpless in the face of recurring violence.

One factor in these violent incidents that is only recently being widely acknowledged is the role misogyny and entitlement play in driving the young men who commit these acts. A recurring pattern is that they are turned down by a specific young woman, or believe that women are somehow denying them the love and sex they’re owed, and decide to exact violent revenge for these slights. While there are other elements, such as gun access, that play a role in these incidents, we cannot ignore the ways entitlement and rage act as motivators.

In the aftermath of the Santa Fe High shooting, this Twitter thread about young men learning to accept a “no” drew attention to the ways in which adults can change the messages young people are getting about gender, dating, and rejection. These tweets highlight the fact that young people don’t arrive at their conclusions about appropriate romantic behavior in a vacuum; they’re influenced by a myriad of messages, including input from the adults in their lives. Sometimes that input includes ideas that end up exacerbating issues around rejection and dating.

One of the ways we can work towards a world in which acts like this no longer happen, a world in which people, and women in particular, aren’t afraid their “no” will make them a target of violence, is to make a concerted effort to help the young people in our lives learn to deal with rejection in healthy ways. With that in mind, we’ve put together recommendations to assist adults in doing exactly that.

Ditching Gender Notions

A few days ago, I was doing an outreach session with a group of young men. One of our discussion questions was about rejection and how to handle it, which branched out to talking about how to be respectful of someone when asking for a date and the way that certain gender norms get in the way of explicit communication about desire. The young men talked about wanting to be sure they weren’t coming off as pushy or creepy, and wanting to be aware of the boundaries of the young women they were interested in.

Why do I bring this up?

Because one of the most insidious sources feeding the bad advice adults give young people is that there are certain toxic behaviors that are “just how boys are” or “just how girls are.” And that, to successfully get a date, one has to either put up with or push past those behaviors. The best example of this is the idea that women never say what they mean, so when they say, “no, I don’t want to date you” what they really mean is, “keep trying.” The reverse of this is that many young women grow up being told that all boys are pushy and that they should just learn to deal with it. What this results in is a dynamic where boys feel like they should keep asking a girl out after she says no, and girls feel like there’s little they can do to make those asks stop, and everyone ends up feeling cruddy.

The conversation I had with the young men at outreach demonstrates how reductive and inaccurate those beliefs about gender are, and how open young people are to figuring out how to respect boundaries and learning ways to accept rejection gracefully. The vast majority of young people want to be conscious of boundaries and avoid being jerks. Changing the discussions we have with them about consent and rejection doesn’t require pushing against some immutable gender characteristics; it requires some open, honest, and occasionally awkward conversations.

Respecting Boundaries

You can help the young people in your life learn how to respect boundaries by leading by example. That includes asking for permission to touch people and honoring their answers, not trying to argue your way around rules, and handling rejection as gracefully as possible. It helps to be extra-respectful of young people’s boundaries when you interact with them. In doing so, you’re offering them a model to follow for what a respectful reaction to a boundary looks like. You’re also reinforcing the idea that respecting a boundary is the default. That means they’ll know that pushing or arguing the boundary is not what they’re “supposed” to do, and that if someone is doing it to them it’s a sign that person may not be safe to be around. This approach also helps them understand that it’s okay to set boundaries, and that doing so doesn’t make them unreasonable or mean.

A time where respecting boundaries can be tricky for young people is when they find themselves crushing on someone. Crushes can make people act like lovesick puppies, complete with the disregard for boundaries usually found in small, highly-excitable dogs. It may be tempting, as an adult, to encourage some of those puppyish behaviors. Maybe you fondly remember your first few crushes, the bubbly, happy feeling of finding out your crush liked you back and the young love that came after that. And heck, it can be quite an “aww” moment to watch the young people in your lives find happiness and romance. So, you encourage the young person to do what they can to make their feelings known and win their crushee’s affection.

In your excitement, don’t lose sight of the fact that the line between “sweet crush” behavior and “oh my god please leave me alone” behavior is a thin one. If the young person in your life has been turned down by their crush, you can offer a sympathetic ear (or a hug) if they want one. But please don’t advise them to keep trying until their crush relents and agrees to date them. We don’t live in a romantic comedy universe; we live in a universe where people are likely to get increasingly freaked out if someone they turned down for a date or dumped keeps showing up at their lunch table with flowers or declarations of love.

While we’re on the subject of declarations of affection, if we want to create a world where rejection doesn’t result in deadly consequences, we need to stuff the idea of “just give them a chance” into the trash. That saying seems innocuous, maybe even kind, at first glance, but it reinforces deeply unhelpful notions about boundaries.

Firstly, it tells people who assert their boundaries and turn someone down that they’re being mean, unreasonable, and should ignore their own boundaries in order to let someone have romantic or sexual access to them.

It also sets up an expectation in the asker, especially if they are a young man, that they are owed a chance to date whoever catches their eye. That little seed of entitlement can easily grow into resentment and anger. If a guy grows up thinking women should just give him a chance and encounters the reality of women with boundaries and preferences that don’t include him, he could feel he’s being cheated of something he has a right to. And if he feels cheated, there’s unfortunately a chance that he’ll take his anger out on that woman and other bystanders.

Because some reports of the recent shootings have cast the perpetrators as “bullied,” it may also help to remind the young people in your life (and maybe some adults) that turning down someone for a date or otherwise not returning their romantic interest is not the same as bullying. Bullying is actively singling out people to mock or torment, not telling someone “no” when what they want to hear is “yes.”

It’s also important to remember that young people, especially young women, often have their initial “no” ignored by the person pursuing them. If that happens often enough, or the person just will not leave them alone, they may start saying “no” in increasingly forceful ways. If their boundaries were ignored when they said something gentle like, “oh, I’m not interested, sorry” they might resort to the “knock it off and LEAVE ME ALONE” approach to defend them. To a person who hasn’t witnessed the previous conversations, that reaction could seem cruel or unnecessary. But if a young person has hit that level of force in defending their boundaries, chances are there were many smaller boundary pushes leading up to that moment.

Instead of the “just give them a chance” approach, you could encourage young people to use the “ask once” policy in their social circles. Put simply, the policy means that you get to ask a person out once and if they say “no” that’s the end of it unless they voluntarily come back later with an “actually…” at which point the clock resets and you can ask again. This approach is great because it has clear rules and expectations. It removes some of the stress from the interaction since everyone is taking the words exchanged at face value. No one has to worry about their boundaries being disrespected or someone saying something they don’t really mean.

Handling rejection

If a young person in your life is rejected by someone they’re interested in, there are two approaches that can be helpful.

The first is to acknowledge just how much rejection sucks and validate whatever they’re feeling. As with break-ups, they could be feeling sad, angry, disappointed, numb, or a host of other emotions. Ask them what they need right then, whether that’s space to listen to sad songs and cry or a sympathetic ear, and offer it if you can. Having a supportive person in their life can take some of the sting out of rejection.

Rejection also offers a chance to talk with the young person about how they can get through and bounce back when they don’t get what they want. Rejection doesn’t solely show up in the romantic parts of life; it crops up in work, in school, in friendships, and all sorts of other places. So, learning to handle rejection early on in life can help them be more resilient as they get older. It also helps them be the kind of person other people feel safe around. If they’re known as the person who was bummed but respectful when turned down for a date, or who was sad but supportive when their friend made the team and they didn’t, they’re going to find that people are more inclined to be around and trust them because they’ve shown they won’t take their disappointment out on everybody else.

When you’re talking to young people about romantic rejection, there are a few different points you can bring up to help them feel better:

Rejection is often about different preferences or needs, not about their inherent worth as a person. Being turned down by a crush doesn’t mean they don’t have lots to offer as an individual; it means the person they approached is looking for something different and that’s okay. There’s a lot of chance involved in finding a person you’re interested in dating who’s also interested in dating you, which means sooner or later everyone gets turned down by someone they like.

The person who rejected them is not the only person in the world. I don’t mean this in the “there are plenty of fish in the sea” way, although that’s certainly true. Rather, it can be helpful to help a young person notice all the people in their life who care about them and do want to spend time with them. That shifts the focus away from the pain of the rejection and onto the more positive feelings of support and affection. This can also be a good time to encourage them to do self-care. Sometimes, when a bunch of energy has been focused on a crush or a romantic relationship, people forget to nurture their relationship with themselves. The period of time that comes after rejection is a great opportunity to do that.

Don’t view it as a dead end. Rejection can feel like opening a door to what you thought was a room full of treasure only to smack face-first into a brick wall. A way to rebound from rejection is to think about the disappointment in new ways. What do you have the opportunity to do now that you know the outcome? Is there anything to learn from the experience?

Rejection is a part of life, and it’s also a sign that you’re living. If you never take the risk of sharing your feelings with someone or asking if they’d like to get to know you better, you never get to the chance to see what might come from those confessions. Rejection is proof that you’re trying, and that you’ve got the courage to keep doing so.

Even if you help the young people in your life learn that rejection is not the end of the world, there’s no guarantee that they won’t turn their anger or disappointment on others. But just because we can’t prevent every negative outcome doesn’t mean we shouldn’t at least try to change the conversations and expectations young people have boundaries and rejection. The more we help young people build a culture where everyone’s boundaries are respected, and no one feels they are owed access to another person, the better chance we have of creating a safer, more peaceful world for generations to come.

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Random Qs

Survey #52 on the Countdown to 2018!

This one is from yesterday since I got home late, but at least it’s pretty current. I finished it close to midnight and it’s only 12:12 AM right now. I’m trying to post them as soon they’re finished.

How would you spend a day at the beach?

I would want to do more than hang out on the shoreline honestly. We're about two hours away from Galveston, TX.

I like going to the shops and some of the restaurants that look out on the beach. They also have an ice cream parlor that's great if it's summertime, but I'll go to the beach in the winter too.

Have you ever experienced altitude sickness?

I've never had that, but my ears have popped from going up on mountain drives before.

Was the last show you watched a rerun?

I last watched an old Gojira film I recorded which was on El Rey Network during their Kaiju Christmas Marathon.

"Have a very kaiju Christmas. It's the best time of the year. There won't be snow or mistletoe, but have a cup of kaiju cheer.

Have a very kaiju Christmas. And in case you didn't hear: oh, by golly, have a jolly Kaiju Christmas this year." #KaijuChristmas

Is there any event you wish to remember more clearly?

I have a poor memory that falls in line with other learning disabilities, but there's one major benefit.

It's so much easier to live in the here and now when your memory isn't good. My problems used to be my long-term, but it's done a 180 on me.

When your school has a snow day, how do you spend it?

We only had an "ice day" that one time when everything iced over in SETX. So I stayed the hell indoors, what do you think?

For you, what's the hardest thing about writing?

Depends on the topic really. I don't find fanfiction that hard since I'm full of ideas, but I'm less motivated to write journal entries.

If you could change your gender for a day, would you?

I would always say I wouldn't, but now I think I'd try it for just a day. How would people treat me differently? It wouldn't be a bad thing to experience for only a day, but I wouldn't want to be a dudebro full-time.

Do you respond to the people that yell out their car windows at you?

I don't drive and my mother usually drives me. She doesn't incur people's wrath that often, but I don't yell out the window at anyone if they're yelling at us. The only one with road rage in our family seems to be my father.

What’s your biggest priority right now?

My health is almost always my number one concern. My genetics are terrible so I'm obese with diabetes and hidradenitis, and I had endometriosis back when I had a uterus, cervix and tubes.

All of my ills both physical and mental are my shitty genetic inheritance from both sides of my family. None of them are unrelated to my relatives.

Do you ever make a big deal out of nothing?

I don't dramatize things I find to be small since that's useless. But if you just brush off the feelings of someone you love by saying it isn't even a real issue then you might not be doing them justice.

I've known and loved some people who honestly dramatized everything, though, and I just didn't feed into that myself.

Did you pay attention to anything you were being taught in health class?

I didn't pay attention to most of my classes since a lot of things they teach in public schools here tend to be garbage, like popular myths in history class or the subjective and sometimes outdated information in English classes.

I only focused on a few different things in my literature arts classes and some art projects.

If you’ve stayed overnight in a hospital, how did you entertain yourself?

That's only happened once or twice. The last time I felt fatigued and wasn't allowed to get up for hours so I mostly watched TV that night.

I had my uterus, cervix and tubes all removed after dealing with endometriosis and other concurrent problems since my first period at age nine. But they treated me like I was much older. I should've been allowed up sooner.

What does it feel like to fall asleep in someone’s arms?

I've never found it very comfortable.

Do you recall the first time you learned the truth about sex?

My middle school was going to educate us on our periods, but they called it "Sex Ed" when they told our parents.

Mine assumed I was about to get the 411 on everything so my mother gave me "the talk" first in a bizarrely clinical way. Awkward.

How do you hold or position your pillow while you sleep?

I use two of them and sometimes I'll hug the edges.

What's a common sleeping position for you?

I prefer my right side unless I need to digest well.

Have you ever rubbed anyone’s feet?

I remember doing that for my maternal grandmother as a kid and I didn't find it to be horrible.

Is there a food that makes you sick just thinking about it?

Not really, but I love foods like octopus and squid sashimi or even crawfish. I'm more open to foods that some people find gross. I've only ever thrown up after eating a lot of spinach. I really can't stand that on its own.

What's one thing you fantasize or daydream about doing?

I don't really do that regarding my own life, I'll just do that over fanfic ideas.

When was the last time you were on a swing set?

I haven't been on one since we lived in our second house, but I don't remember my age when I stopped using my swing set.

Have you ever had perfect attendance in school?

I don't remember.

Have you ever written anything on a bathroom stall?

I've never felt the desire to do that.

Do you find extreme bodybuilders attractive?

I'm not attracted to that at all.

Do you or would you own a pair of giant sunglasses?

I'd rather not.

Are your hands unsteady?

They definitely shake chronically after trying several medications in my late adolescence.

Are you envious of anyone’s artistic abilities?

I don't waste my time envying other people's talents and skills. If I want to do something myself then I'll focus on learning it since it's possible to do a lot without being innately gifted. If I can't learn it then I should focus on the gifts I've already got.

Do you ignore people when you’re mad or upset with them?

It's in my nature to confront things. I'm courageous, headstrong and outspoken so I don't retreat most of the time.

I've learned to just ignore people if they can't handle an honest conversation, though. If you're not mature enough to do that, I'm not going to bother paying attention to what you've got to complain about.

Are you starting to realize anything?

I just realized I need to get to bed soon. I'll continue this survey later today and I'm stopping at 2:35 AM on the 28th.

Are you okay right now?

I'm restarting this at 10:58 PM the same day and I'm doing really good after a night out with family members and a friend.

Is there anything you can never forget?

Short of amnesia or senility, there are tons of things I'm not going forget.

Are you stubborn?

Usually.

Has anyone told you that you’re amazing?

Yes.

Have you ever cried uncontrollably on a boy’s shoulder before?

I haven't done that on anyone's shoulder. I've cried on my mother's as a child, but I wasn't uncontrollably sobbing on her. That's not something I'd find comforting.

Looking back, did you ever think you would be where you are now?

I never dwelt on the past or the future.

Who were you last in a car with?

My mother and my cousin.

What time did you get up today?

I don't know what time it was when I first woke up, but I went back to bed since I felt sick. It was about three in the afternoon when I finally got up and didn't feel so bad, though.

Have you ever slept on a couch with someone?

I haven't.

Who called you at midnight on your birthday?

I'm thankful that no one does that.

When was the last time you saw your mom?

Just a few minutes ago.

What's the last thing you drank today?

Diet Mt. Dew.

Who did you last talk to in person?

My mother.

Is it easy for someone to make you smile and laugh?

It depends on my mood, the situation, who it is.

Do you ever choke on your own spit?

I remember that happening before throwing up since my saliva gets hot and I'll start drooling. /TMI

Do you ever feel like you’re not good enough?

If I'm not good enough for someone else then I don't need them in my life. I don't need to be loved by everyone, though, I just need to be loved by God and a few good people. I am so I'm very blessed.

What’s standing in the way of what you want right now, if anything?

Realistically, there are things I can't have. The main thing is better health. I just have horrible genetics. Other things I could ask for are relatively minor and I have the things I honestly need in life.

Are you scared of moving on?

There isn't anything I've feared moving on from in my life. I'm pretty adaptable and some changes are great.

If someone loved you right now, would you want them to tell you?

I'm not interested in romantic love these days. But it would be better for them to get it off their chest and know that I'm not looking for a partner and that I may never feel that way about them. Rejection is better than unrequited love.

Is anything bothering you?

Not right now.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight?

I sincerely hope not since I hate talking on the phone.

Have you ever loved someone older than you?

I think all of my exes have been older and I prefer them to be so by at least five years.

Has your partner ever stayed up with you all night?

Maybe on the phone? I'm not sure.

Have you ever stayed up all night on the phone?

I really don't remember if it was that long, but I know we spent hours.

Are you afraid to grow up?

I'm 31, thanks, and I'm more content as an adult than I was as a child.

Are you looking forward to anything?

We might be going to Galveston tomorrow depending on the weather and how everyone feels. I don't know, they've changed their plans so many times that looking forward to it is difficult now. If it happens then that's great.

Have you ever been called a bitch?

I've had friends call me an "alpha bitch" before, though. They know I'm outspoken, dominant, strong-willed, etc. That's not something that bothers me. It just depends on the context and intentions in that case.

If that's happened before with others in a negative sense, it wasn't by anyone I personally cared about. I don’t really remember.

Could you use some sleep right now?

If I'm getting up at nine tomorrow morning then I need to go to bed by at least one or two, but I'm not tired just yet.