#dysphorias been kicking my ass

[hot-crossedbuns]

being trans is so weird.

I'm trans masc. in transitioning towards presenting more masculine. if I could I would have a hysterectomy and top surgeryl right now.

but I just saw a Reddit thread about "girl secrets" and I found myself in the comments of hundreds of people describing the mundane aspects of their womanhood, like making sure you get the leftovers out when you shower at the of of you period or the weird adjustment thing you have to do with your boobs sometimes when trying to sleep.

My hair has always been a source of dysphoria for me, always being complimented on my hair, long and thick, natural highlights and gentle curls. all I ever wanted until I finally gave in at 17 was to chop it all off. I'd get a buzz cut if it meant people stopped seeing me from behind and immediately clocking me as a girl because it went right down my back even in my ratty ponytail.

but I saw this tiktok on how women often swoosh their pony tails behind them when they walk, because it's fun. and it is! I always found some joy in that before I finally cut it off and felt pride in my hair for the first time ever.

my co-workers are all women, cisgender women who don't know that I'm not one of them. to them I'm just the short haired lesbian that works shifts with them. but this means they include me in their monthy girls nights and I get to feel the joy of being the inside of some secret club I never really felt a part of as a kid. it's fun hearing them chat shit about their exes, talk about those weird things that only happen to women because of our anatomy.

and yet, I'm taking steps to turn away from that, because while these spaces are safe and familiar to me, they what's felt unnatural and like I was intruding on something not meant for me.

I'm taking these steps to look and be seen the way that makes me confident and empowered, and yet I'm time I'll lose the experience of talking to random women fixing their make up in the at the mirrors in public toilets, or seeing 5 drunk women tell a random stranger she's beautiful when they find her ex left her for someone prettier.

Men don't have that support. and I'll lose that forever when I transition.

and yeah, once I visibly transition I don't have to be as afraid of walking home at night, and yeah i won't have to hear drunk old men hit on me after telling me I look like their grandaughters, and yeah I won't have to deal with sexist jokes made at my expense by my guy friends.

but once women stop seeing me as a woman and start seeing me for me, suddenly my past, my whole childhood, where i believed I would be a woman the rest of my life, suddenly changes meaning.

if I were to talk about those weirdly sexual and creepy comments my best friends boyfriend made for months, it's just guys being dudes. if I mention the time my boss's boyfriend smacked my ass during a busy shift, it's just a bro tap. if I mention how random guys at work often try to hug me or hold my hands or call me pet names, it stops being harassment and just starts being guys messing about.

if I mention how my cramps can immobilise me, or how much I hate wearing tampons or how dogs do that weird thing where they just keep sniffing your crotch or how sometimes my ovary cramps and it's rock hard beneath the skin, or how frustrating it is when your period comes 2 days early and ruins the underwear you liked or it's a week late for absolutely no god forsaken reason and your hormones are all over the place, and you're moody, tired, angry, sad, hungry bloated and nauseous all at once, they're just look at me all funny because his could I, someone who looks and presents as a guy, possibly know what it's like to be a woman.

as if I didn't live as one for 20 years.

as if I didn't plan to live my life as a woman.

as if I didn't grow up being someone's daughter, sister or niece.

as if I didn't expect to be someone's mother, wife or aunt.

being trans is weird, because once you realise it, all of your life experience slowly stops mattering.

it's weird because yes I want the world to separate me from who they always assumed I would be, yes I want them to stop seeing me as that little girl who didn't quite know how to be a girl. yes I want them to see me the way I've always felt I was supposed to be... but I don't want them to only see the masc side of me.

my girlhood, my femininity, my lived experience as a female in the 21st century all helped shape who I am now, and just because I'm trans doesn't mean that goes away.

but no one really sees that.

and yeah, it's a good thing, it means the world is finally starting to see me for who I've always known myself to be.

but knowing that part of me is slowly fading is weird.

being trans is so weird.

and so frustrating.

all at once.

[daily-oliver-swift]

Sometimes drawing transmasc characters without top surgery and not binding just helps me feel better about my own body

Day 105 of drawing Oliver Swift everyday until I get on HRT

[bartholomew-junior]

uh. yeah

[eddiethenerdbro]

I am watching all three Evil Dead films tonight because I am in agony and need to see that FREAK go through worse then how I am feeling right now

might even go ahead and watch the musical at this rate >:(

[tendebill]

guess who got a haircut after months of pain and suffering :333333

[snobgoblin]

if you've noticed Danny's boobs getting bigger over time that's because mine did recently and I'm really mad about it 😭

[dustcollectingbones]

EATING YOUR PROSTHETIC MEAT/MEET YOUR ANAESTHETIC CRITERIA PATHETIC SEEING YOU BECOME ACETIC

SAY MY NAME LIKE A SLUR BUT I'VE BEEN CALLED WORSE AND I'VE HEARD IT ALL BEFORE NO THIS IS ISNT A FIRST

LET ME BE THE VOID YOU FILL WITH TAXIDERMY FINGERPRINTS TAXONIMISE OUR DIFFERENCES

I AM QUANTUM PHYSICS, MY WITNESS BRINGS ME INTO EXISTENCE

I WISH I COULD BE A GIRL!!!!!!

[electricpurrs]

im lonelyy and sad and longing for human connection i have no means to get and never did. its also 3 am but the power went out at my house and i cant sleep without my nightlight and my fan

[jackdaniel69nice]

Jessie is Tokoyami’s English voice actor I love her, an absolute icon

[secretrosebush]

Thinking about someone grabbing my hips

[fallhound]

theres never been anyone who didn't just first impressions assume Man for me, even in queer/trans spaces, hmm

[vossn]

I don’t blame you, 16-year old me, for deciding that you weren’t strong enough to handle it. That you traded the bathroom floor for gentle numbness and decided to seek yourself in other things and people than inside your body. Some days, I am not sure if I am strong enough either.

[oldweedsmokingbf]

anyone got any extra testosterone lying around they wanna give me please

[sweetlilbird]

Gender…

[loveyoursub2]

hey sorry for suddenly disappearing I will hopefully be back soon

[kissed-by-miserae]

Jesus Christ it’s been a while seen I’ve been hit with a bad case of dysphoria and my god it fucking sucks