#dysphora relief

[jaysworlds]

T4TMA Day Six - Dysphora/Euphoria

Jon gets bad days every so often, and Martin understands, he really does. He’s been through a lot, and he hasn’t recovered from having to come all the way up here, but Martin’s doing his best to help. Helping Jon is good for him, too, or he thinks it is. It makes him feel more … connected to reality. To himself, to Jon.

It works for them, anyway.

Today is a bad day, the sort of day where Jon wouldn’t get up this morning, just rolled over and curled in on themself, squeezing their eyes closed and ignoring Martin when he asked if they were okay. It stings, a bit, when they treat him like that, but he’s trying to understand.

He gets up and makes himself breakfast and makes them both a cup of tea, and then he slips back into bed to drink it. He doesn’t try to speak to Jon, or to make him drink his tea. Just sits with him, quiet.

He rolls over, eventually, and accepts the cup of tea Martin offers, thought it might have gone cold by now. At least he won’t burn his tongue.

“Hey,” Martin says, finally, when both of their mugs are empty and back on the bedside table.

“Hey,” Jon says, their voice hollow, but they look up at him and attempt a smile.

“C’mere,” he says, opening his arms, and they climb into his lap to cuddle against his chest like a living blanket.

“Do you want to talk?” he asks, carefully. There are a whole host of things it could be, and Martin is worried that they might be hungry in the … eldritch sort of way.

Jon shrugs awkwardly, pressing his face against Martin’s chest. “I’m sorry,” he says, instead of answering.

Martin sighs, carding his hands gently though his hair. “It’s okay,” he says, gently, because Jon needs him to be patient right now.

They inhale in a slow, shaky sort of way and sit up a bit so they can look at him properly. He cups their cheek and leans forward to kiss the end of their nose in the way that never fails to make them smile.

And they do smile, just a tiny bit.

“I’m just not feeling very well,” they say, finally, resting their hands on Martin’s shoulders. “It’s nothing to do with you, I promise.”

“I know,” Martin says, as he always does, though he can’t deny the reassurance is a bit of a relief. Sometimes he finds himself just waiting for the day Jon gets sick of spending so much time with him.

Jon shakes their head, a sad sort of look in their eyes, but they don’t say anything about it.

“Can we lie down?” they ask.

“Of course,” Martin says, and shifts them both so they’re cuddling under the blankets. Jon makes an effort to wriggle around so he’s facing away, back pressed to Martin’s chest, and he wraps his arms around him and holds him close.

“You’re okay,” he promises, and hopes that Jon believes him.

“I will be,” they say, and that’s good enough.

They lay in silence for a while, and Martin almost thinks they’ve fallen asleep.

“Do you every get dysphoric?” they ask, out of nowhere, and he pulls them a little closer. Is that what this is about?

“Sometimes,” he says, though the last time was a long time ago. He never got dysphoria as bad as some of his peers, and it had been a source of worry for a long time. Still is, sometimes.

Jon sighs, wriggling around so he’s facing Martin. “I don’t feel like I should,” he says, and Martin cups his cheek gently.

“Why not?”

He shrugs, eyes skirting off Martin’s face and towards the ceiling. “I don’t know. It just … feels like I shouldn’t?”

Martin doesn’t know what to say to that. He doesn’t have a perfect answer like he’s sure Jon would if their positions were reversed. He barely has an answer at all.

“It’s okay,” he says, finally. “You just feel what you feel. I’ll be here for you.”

It sounds wrong, somehow, but Jon smiles.

“Thank you,” they say, and close their eyes, shuffling closer. “I’ll feel better soon.”

“Good,” Martin says, and kisses the top of their head. “Just tell me when you feel like breakfast, alright?”

“Alright,” they say, and he thinks they might be smiling a little.

They’ll be okay. They both will, eventually, Martin’s sure of it. They can just lay in bed a little longer, and then they can get up and make pancakes. Maybe they’ll go for a walk in the afternoon.

They have time. The world isn’t going anywhere.

[pupintransit]

After two months of waiting, dozens of phone calls, countless sleepless nights, and a $300 fee, I had my appointment for my surgical readiness assessment yesterday. I was approved.

As you might expect, I have been feeling a little emotional about it.

I don't have a date yet, but now that all the paperwork is ready to go I can get my doctor to send it off to Montreal, at which point I can reach out to them and book whatever I need to book. I'm estimating I'll have my vaginoplasty by late next year.

I heard a lot of horror stories, mostly from America and Britain, about this kind of appointment being gatekept or letters denied due to having the "wrong" kind of dysphoria, but the nurse practitioner I sat down with was very kind to me. I felt safe asking questions and talking about myself. I'm grateful that it went as well as it did. I worked really hard to get this appointment ahead of the astronomically long wait list through MSP, and I was so scared they'd say no and I'd have to start all over again. Honestly, I don't think I would have had the strength for that.

You might be at a similar stage as myself and curious (re: dreading) what they'll ask you. I'm Canadian and going through the standards of care required in British Columbia, so our experiences may not be identical, but essentially all their questions are gonna be based around a small handful of themes:

What is your story about your dysphoria? My assessor wanted to know a bit myself so she could properly support me. We talked about "when I knew" I was transgender, how I mitigate my dysphoria, and when I decided to explore surgery.

What supports do you have? This a life changing surgery, and my assessor wanted to know that I'll be taken care of after everything is said and done. We discussed my housing, briefly about my financial situation, and who in my life can help look after me.

What do you want, and why? Basically, she needed to know what procedure I'm interested in and why I thought it was the best choice for me. We also went over the risks and complications, and she encouraged me to ask questions about anything I didn't understand.

At no point was a formal diagnosis of gender dysphoria discussed, nor was my non-binary status / lack of HRT talked about as a barrier to surgery.

This wasn't nearly as scary as I was worried it would be, and I am so glad I went through with it. It's one more important milestone over and done with. I'm a big step closer to having a body I can truly love being in!

If you are at this stage and you're just as terrified as I was, I can say from personal experience that you are going to be ok. Keep at this, you will perservere 🧡

[pupintransit]

Well, had a shit day at work yesterday so didn't take any pics like I was hoping I'd be able to 🤷 Feeling better today tho. I'm actually on my way to buy some gaffs at a local place, so trying those one will be a lot of fun! One of them is a thong too, so look forward to that~

Speaking of gaffs - I've got one on right now!

It's comfier than the clip for everyday wear, and I haven't needed to adjust it. Bus seats were also, ehm, not great when I had the clip on, or on the rare occasion I used tape. Not so with what I've got on now! I'm as comfortable as usual on crowded transit, which is impressive seeing that buses and trains in the greater Vancouver area can get pretty jam packed!

If you need a brand recommendation I highly suggest TomboyX. I got the XL tucking bikini, and it feels like regular tight briefs. I don't really feel like i'm hiding a sausage between my legs, which is more than I can say for tucking with tape!

(and yes i will be taking slutty photos with it. why even ask such a silly question)

[pupintransit]

So I understand Tumblr's policy on nudity as it written, but how is it applied? I have a tucking clip coming in the mail this week and I'm eager to see it in pictures as a way of relieving my dysphoria a bit, buuuuuut I'm less stoked about my posts getting deleted off the platform.

[pupintransit]

It's always deeply amusing to me to see conservatives blather on about "The Dangers of Transgenderism™️" and the usual horseshit about grooming and coercion. In truth, the trans community goes out of their way to make sure folks are making as informed a choice as possible. I've been blessed to have made connections with kind and intelligent people who have been through the system, know how it works, and are willing to share their knowledge with others.

To that end, i have to ask myself a question: Is bottom surgery worth it for me? The overwhelming consensus from the folks I know who are post-op have said it was worth it for them, but there's a bit of an asterisk next to that. They want to be sure I and other folks in my situation don't romanticize surgery. Complications and revisions happen, and pain is pretty well gaurenteed. I trust them when they say the first few months will be deeply unpleasant, and I want to carry myself with that expectation.

Out of respect for the privacy of this community, I will be speaking very generally about what experiences I should expect, and speak about no one except myself in this post. With that out of the way, what are the cons, difficulties, and hardships I need to be prepared for?

Cost. I'm fortunate that the cost of my surgery will be covered 100% by my provincial insurance. What is not covered is travel and accommodation. Since I'm not willing to wait up to four years for surgery in BC, I'm placing myself on the waitlist for GRS Montreal instead. Hotels and flights are not cheap, so I'll have to see what supports and resources I can bring in to help me pay for it.

Loneliness. I have absolutely zero family or friends in Quebec. I think the closest friend I have to that province lives in Kitchener, Ontario. That's about a six hour drive - I checked. It would be unreasonable for me to ask her to see me in Montreal, let alone to ask anyone from BC. My husband is willing to come help me, but since we both have bills and obligations we can't gaurentee that he'll be able to. I have to be prepared to be on my own if it comes to that.

The plane ride home. Good christ, this will be hard to navigate. I'm not 100% sure what my pain med schedule is going to be, so that will impact how comfortable this will be. Sitting down on is going to be painful, and I want to be sure I don't reopen any stitches in that crowded plane. How do I go about that? Great question! Just wish I had a great answer.

Complications and revisions. The technique at GRS Montreal is a single procedure, apparently performed with three surgeons in the room. While I love that it's quick, it doesn't leave a lot of room for revisions if I don't like the aesthetic, nor for any corrective work if there are complications. Also, since the wait for services in BC is pretty long I may have to travel back to Montreal for care if anything like that happens, which will not be cheap.

Dilation. For the first month I'll be dialating four times a day, then three times for month two & three, twice for months four to six, and then once daily until the twelfth month. I'd prefer to get a full six months off of work to best accommodate this, but the standard seems to be going back to work by month four. Twice daily dilations are going to be difficult to manage given my work schedule and long commute. If I can't get those extra two months, I'll have to negotiate a change in my work hours.

Sexual functionality. I likely will be capable of orgasming after everything is said and done, but I'll have to work at it and re-learn how to do that with my new genitals. It'll be a long and frustrating process, and there's not much I can do about it other than try and be patient.

I'm writing this out with the same motivation that the trans folks I'm connected with brought this up had. It's a reminder in good faith that this is not an easy process, which to me is an important part of the support I want to seek out from my community. I want to understand what I'm getting myself into, and they have been gracious not to sugarcoat the reality of it.

After everything is said and done I still want a vaginoplasty, and I still want to go to Montreal to do it. These are problems with solutions. All I have to do is find out what those are.