#during commute today I remembered things.. dissociated during my bike ride home
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#I don't know what my purpose is#and I don't know what's out there for me#I feel like I'm stuck and disoriented between what's real and what's not#whenever I get home I would open a game and just stare at the screen confused and just... feel nothing#I'd turn my pc on and just keep it on as I lay in bed.. then turn it off after 3 hours#and tonight is one of those nights again#during commute today I remembered things.. dissociated during my bike ride home#and feel things that I felt in my childhood#sometimes I want to ask them “what about me”#am I your child or a place to dump your frustrations on#why do you love them more than me#why won't you give me what you gave them#why do you only give me attention when I have bad grades and when I do bad at school#do I even know if your love is genuine#please just#ask me.. your child.. if they're doing ok#just for once I want to hear that from you. just for once I want it to be the other way around#the kick that caffeine gave me back then “helped” me cope and ignore things around me#apparently my family has this dna mutation that made the effect of caffeine similar to drunkenness#honest to whatever is up there that coffee makes me way more drunk than alcohol do#covid made it worse. I'd down that shit from the kettle itself#shit also broke trust and friendship#and yet.. my friends believed in me and they are still willing to help me#I've been slowing down consumption ever since I landed my second job + therapy + intervention#Happy birthday to me
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