#dunno what triggered this to come back but it leaves me kinda hollow...

[witchystarssystem]

Weird to think I've known Avalon (Currently Mist), Jay, Leon, Tiny and Lu (Currently Meadow) forever without really acknowledging I was a system?? I don't even remember what research I even did but something clicked. When I was 15, I talked to an old friend via an RP which ended up having Leon and Tiny speak? Then Jay and Avalon. I think I had gotten overwhelmed sometimes and they stepped in. Kinda let switches happen more often I think. I remember vividly when Meadow really co fronted. I had my phone taken for some reason. Don't remember why. My parents accused me of taking it when I didn't. I was in bed crying. My mom had come in and threatened to kick me out because I "kept fucking things up and tearing things up". I bawled into my pillow when she left and shut the door.

"Mommy... I'm sorry. I'm sorry Mommy!" That voice wasn't mine..... I couldn't stop crying but felt so detached... everything just kinda hurt yknow? Yeah it sucked. Back then I had only five alters that I knew of. Tiny didn't speak at all though. She vented through an old blog..... Dunno. The signs have always been there. Weird..

[thanekrios]

The way fall smells

SUMMARY: Tommy always loved the distinctive scent of fall. After a day patrolling with Joel, he remembers why.

The leaves had grown old and begun falling, laying carpets of warm hues on every trail surrounding Jackson. Tommy took a deep breath, taking in the unique sharpness in the air that came with the last months of the year.

It had been a good day. They had patrolled until noon, everything clear – no signs of Hunters or infected– and after checking in, left for the rest of the day to hunt and walk, to talk and have a snack under the orange light of the late afternoon just like they did when they were young.

Joel was having a good day too; Tommy could see it. For the whole afternoon, his shoulders had been relaxed, arms resting at his sides; every now and then, he stopped to take in the shushing of the leaves or the landscape. He was at peace.

Over the course of two years, Tommy had seen how his brother’s sharp edges had begun to dull and a smile would come to him easier than a frown. He talked more, about Sarah and Tess and sometimes even about himself; he hummed around Tommy, sang around Ellie. For a long time, Joel’s hatred for everything was like an all-consuming fire. But Tommy knew that as catastrophic as fires could be, they could also restore – he had seen it with grasslands, entire fields cleansed by the flames, making way for new vegetation to thrive. And now, he had seen it with Joel.

“We should head back.” Joel said as he got up and brushed breadcrumbs off his jacket. “We don’t want it getting too late.”

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed as they began walking in Jackson’s direction. “Got any plans for tonight?”

“Watchin’ a movie with Ellie.”

‘You’re both welcome to join us for dinner if you like.”

Tommy made a pause and considered his words.

Whenever they had them over, it wasn’t just dinner. It was a series of stories from any period of their lives. The brothers grew more excited with each anecdote, Maria would bid them goodnight long after their plates had been cleared; and as their laughter turned loud like thunderclaps, Ellie began knocking down every miserable object in her proximity as she became overexcited while shouting No fucking way! Then came the guitars. More laughter and clatter. And before they knew it, Maria was walking out the door for an early patrol.

So, Tommy added:

“Before your movie.”

“Thanks, but we don’t wanna interrupt Maria’s sleep two nights in a row.” Joel’s eyes ran across the golden foliage, the corners of his mouth curving.

“Well, I’m sure Ellie would appreciate some leftovers.” Tommy found himself smiling as well. “I can leave’em by the porch.”

“Usual place?”

“Usual place,” he confirmed.

“Appreciate it.”

They walked in silence for a while, enjoying the brittle sound of falling leaves and with each step, they walked into memories.

Tommy loved fall.

He first became enchanted with it as a child. He craved the crunching of a dry leaf under his booted feet, having a hot drink when his lips were chapped, listening to Joel play soft melodies as the sun set fire to the clouds. But above all, he looked forward to the unmistakable scent of summer’s perishing.

Tommy knew he came across as simple, devoid of imagination. Even before the outbreak people had assumed there wasn't much to him, that he never dreamt of anything other than a job in construction, blindly following Joel’s steps. He knew why it was easy to believe he had chosen an uncomplicated life rather than having settled for it. He didn’t make any effort to correct anyone. His dreams had been his own. Truth was, Tommy had wanted to be a storyteller in his youth.

During his childhood, he imagined the playful winds that came with fall were whispering stories, travelling through the rattling orange and yellow leafed trees, there for anyone who was willing to listen. Tommy imagined, to escape the empty rooms, the absent parents. He opened his mind and closed his eyes to craft tales of floating homes in the sky and flying whales and homemade dinners.

Fall shaped each story and realm that sprang in his heart and imagination. He didn’t speak of any of them, for whenever he had attempted to put it into words, the intricacy of each story, the vibrance of every world, the heartbreak experienced by each character became colorless.  

"All imagination and zero talent," he confessed to Joel in his early teens.

Joel, who wasn't the wordy type either, comforted him the only way he knew how: by handing him his treasured guitar.

"You can tell stories with this, too."

By trading words for melodies, Tommy had compromised. If that was to be the only way to set his stories out into the world, it was enough.

Joel stopped and took in a deep breath, catching Tommy’s attention. His older brother let out a pleased sigh:

“I like the way it smells.” He didn’t need to say more, Tommy knew what he meant, but he continued, “Y’know, fall.”

He took in the words and allowed them to travel the usual road, back into his heart. 

“Yeah,” Tommy agreed. He buried his hands deep in his jacket pockets and filled his lungs with fresh air. He had heard that many times before but never from Joel. “Y’know, Sarah used to say the same thing.”

Something softened in Joel’s eyes, the look on his face echoing the one Tommy had seen on him countless times, whenever he had braided Sarah’s hair with so much care and tenderness it made it difficult to think of him as anything other than a loving father.

“Did she now?”

Tommy nodded:

“She said she liked the way fall smelled and then, uh, asked me what the smell was.”

“What did ya say?”

“I dunno, somethin’ dumb, like dust from a dirt road or somethin’.”

“That…that’s pretty accurate. Why’d you say it’s dumb? Was Sarah disappointed or somethin’?” Joel asked after a moment.

Tommy quirked a brow:

“Sarah? Our Sarah? That girl didn’t act disappointed a day in her life.”

“Yeah” Joel agreed in a whisper.

“But she asked me again the year after that. And then the one after that. And it kinda became a game we played. I gave her the thickest answers and she took’em. Then she started havin’ answers of her own.”

“Oh, yeah? What’d she say?”

“Well, a bunch of stuff. Good stuff. I think one time she said, uh, sharpened pencil. Yeah, that was it. Sharpened pencil. She also came up with…”

In recent years, Tommy had become an active forgetter, a problem that had triggered countless arguments with Maria. But those moments with Sarah, he remembered better than entire years.

“Apples, yeah. Refreshin’ and sweet and sour. There was, uh, wet soil after rain and hot hay dryin’ in the sun.”

“That’s…that’s a good one” Joel chuckled before kneeling to tie his shoelace. Tommy was certain his brother was only pretending to do it to shield his face. Then, as he stood up, he held his gaze. His smile was wide, eyes gleaming. “What else?”

Tommy didn’t have to think too hard. He knew just the one.

It had been a late afternoon, two days before the outbreak. Orange tinted the town as if the moment already belonged to a memory. Sarah had a plan; she would go to Tannhaus Watches & Jewellery to get Joel’s birthday present and he would go to the bakery next to it and place an order for a cake.

“Divide and conquer!” Sarah had repeated on their way to town.

The breeze carried the earthy sweet scent of the piles of leaves, tickling his nose. For once, he had decided, he would ask the question first:

“What does fall smell like?”

It had taken her but a few seconds to whip up an answer, taking Tommy by surprise:

“Fall smells like you, Uncle Tommy.”

Tommy’s words had died in his throat. He looked down, speechless still, and rested his eyes on her smile, equal parts sweet and smug. The realization of never having felt more loved dawned on him—it was a similar sensation to floating downstream. He felt weightless.  Tommy remembered how when Sarah was little, they spent most of their time lying on golden grass, looking for shapes in the clouds or loudly singing along in his car. Sometimes they sat on the porch and drank extra sweet hot cocoa and he told her – in his own convoluted way – the stories he had told himself as a child to feel less alone. Tommy had reminded her, through his stories and his terrible mac and cheese dinners, that he would always be there for her – just like Joel had been for him.

“Alright. You win, sweetheart,” he said when he meant to say Thank you, I love you too.

Sarah had wrapped her skinny arms around his waist. She would never do that again.

They made their way down the street, their sneakers brushing against the asphalt, the musky fragrance of wisterias faint in the air.

“I wasn’t tryin’ to win but I’m glad I did.” And she had meant I love you more.

Jackson peered through the trees, lights dotted across the county. The temperature had dropped, the chill bit at Tommy’s ears, pink shading his cheeks. A big lump had formed in his throat — there was no way he would be able to speak without his voice breaking. It didn’t matter, he wanted to share it with Joel. The words poured out of his lips as tears ran down his cheeks. He stopped. He half laughed; half cried. Then explained, in vivid detail, how Sarah had made him feel. He apologized. Hell, he didn’t even know what he was apologizing for. Talking about Sarah? Crying? He had grown so used to getting burned whenever he had brought her up, it was still easy to forget just how much Joel had changed.

After Sarah’s death, for the first part of the nightmarish years they spent together, barely scraping by, surviving at the cost of their own humanity, he dreamt of her almost every night. Waking up in sobs, the light dissolving into grey shadows. Joel had refused to look at him, splintering Tommy’s heart. They never spoke of the past. They never spoke of her. They took. They survived. And their hollowness deepened with every wretched day.

Time moved forward; the changing of the seasons serving as the last remaining proof of it. He found comfort in the breeze that came as the year was about to end, revisiting memories and his old stories. Sometimes, as he patrolled, he ventured back into his worlds and again greeted the heroes of his childhood. He knew that there was no room for dreams or stories and his heart ached as he gave them up all over again. And then, he watched how the seams of Joel’s humanity continued ripping one after the other. He had believed he would never get his brother back. But now, Joel’s eyes glistened, a combination of longing and joy. He told him there wasn’t a thing to be sorry for. He listened and placed a hand on his little brother’s shoulder.

“Thank you,” Joel said softly once Tommy hung his head and fell quiet.

Tommy nodded, letting out a trembling vaporous exhalation.  

“I’ve always wanted to tell you about that,” Tommy said as the knot in his throat loosened and he looked back up at Joel “I just didn’t know how.”

“I’m glad you finally did.” Joel gave Tommy’s shoulder a little squeeze before letting go.

Tommy watched him walk ahead, his silhouette against the sinking sun. He couldn’t see it, but he knew Joel was smiling. He was smiling too. The wind blew. It smelled like fall. It smelled like home. 

[theghostofashton]

i’m giving you all my love

hi so i said i'd post a valentine's day oneshot...and it's now technically the 15th oops i had an exam today and that kinda drained me so it took a while to get into a groove and really write this.

i intended on it being really cute but there's a lot of sad??? god i didn't expect that i thought i was getting better at writing fluff and then this happens

so trigger warning for depression and anxiety i guess. also i listened to 'i won't give up' on repeat writing so y'all should def listen to that while you read. it's where the title's from anyway so lmao

enjoy!

It’s been a long few days.

It’s been blurred edges and unclear endings, stiff-limbed and limp, grease and tangled sheets, all mashing together to form the ache in his head and the lump in his throat. It’s been jagged and sharp but soft and pliable and easily walked over. It’s been stringy hair and sweat soaked fabric and white walls and bleary eyes. It’s been heavy and exhausting and all too familiar.

It’s been depression and it’s been his life for the past week.

It’s not foreign and it’s definitely not the first time but it’s not something he’ll ever get used to. It’s hard to accustom to the feeling of waking up with ledges and pills and what if I just went to sleep and never woke up again wouldn’t that be easy wouldn’t it make everyone’s lives better wouldn’t it make the world a better place.

Wouldn’t it?

Geoff bought him that journal for Christmas and told him to write his feelings but he couldn’t even manage to sort through what he was feeling, figure out where the sadness ended and the numbness began. It all mixed together, draping over him like a weighted blanket that caused him anxiety rather than helping with it.

He was hollow, he was numb, he was nothing. Like someone reached inside his body and scooped everything out, all traces of happiness and light and laughter and sustenance, gone. The flowers shriveled up and weeds began to grow and every shaft of light was sealed off and his skeleton felt like just that. A skeleton. Nothing more. A series of bones arranged in a particular order that he knew had a purpose but didn’t want to give one.

And now he’s here and the worst of it is over – he got out of bed and put something into his stomach and showered, for the first time in close to seven days jesus fucking christ you’re disgusting – Geoff’s at work and he’s alone. Maybe he’ll actually get some work done today, record some more or rework some lyrics he wrote a couple weeks ago. His journal is sitting, untouched, on their nightstand, pen resting on top so every time he looked up in the past week all he saw was a reminder that he couldn’t even be sad right. He couldn’t even put it into words he’s not a real artist he’s nothing nothingnothingnothing.

He jumps when his phone buzzes in his pocket. His heart is racing as he pulls it out of his jeans, startled by the sudden noise. “Hey dude, what’s up?”

“What are you and Geoff doin’ tomorrow night?” Jawn asks. He’s never been one for pleasantries. Awsten chuckles and leans back against the counter, shifting the phone against his ear.

“I dunno,” he says. “Why? You wanna do something?”

“Are you fuckin’ with me?”

“What?”

“Funny one, Aws. I know you got plans tomorrow, don’t even try ta hide it.”

Awsten grips his phone tighter, pulling his lip in with his teeth. What is he forgetting? Is it Geoff’s birthday? His own? There’s something significant about tomorrow…

“M’not joking Jawn.” The words feel weird on his tongue, too big for his mouth. He swallows around them and tries to keep his breathing steady. “What’s tomorrow?”

“It’s Valentine’s Day dude. Did you seriously forget?”

He stops.

The world swirls around him, like someone just put him in a blender and he’s watching everything move around from inside. He presses a hand to his temple and closes his eyes but the dizziness doesn’t cease. “I. Um. I gotta. Go.” He hangs up the phone with shaking hands, barely able to press the button to end the call and cut off Jawn’s higher, now worried sounding voice.

Valentine’s Day he forgot Valentine’s Day how did this happen how did he do this what the fuck is he going to do how did he forget what the fuck what the fuck what the fuck you really did it this time you fucked up you fucked up you fucked up big time you fucked up.

He knows Geoff’s been planning something Geoff is always planning something Geoff always has a surprise up his sleeve that’s not Valentine’s Day that’s dating Geoff Wigington he’s always ready to top his previous gift and he definitely will this time because Awsten doesn’t even have a gift.

He takes a step forward and stumbles, leaning back against the counter and gripping the edge to stay steady. He hears the loud barks before he feels a body against his legs, pressing against his calves. “H-Hey Coops,” he forces out, reaching down with a still trembling hand to tangle his fingers in the dog’s fur.

Cooper barks again, standing up on his hind legs and pressing a paw into his thigh. He swallows and bends down, further and further, until his butt hits the floor. He pulls his knees up to his chest and Cooper whines loudly, pawing at his kneecaps. When he puts his legs down Cooper practically jumps onto his lap, pawing desperately at his face and raking his tongue across Awsten’s skin.

Awsten rubs at his eyes. He didn’t even realize he was crying. He swallows against the lump in his throat and holds out a hand for Cooper to lick. “I’m fine boy. Thank you. I love you. I’m okay, I promise.”

Cooper stays at his side when he gets up, follows him into the bedroom and jumps onto his bed and even tries to join him in the bathroom a few minutes later.

As calming as Cooper is, it doesn’t take away from the fact that Valentine’s Day is tomorrow and he still doesn’t have a gift and has no idea what he could do for a gift and Geoff’s probably had something planned for weeks this is just another nail in the coffin he’s the worst fiancé in the world and now everyone’s gonna know about it their friends will ask what they got each other for Valentine’s Day and Geoff will lie and be sweet like he always is and he’ll feel his heart pulsate and his skin shrivel up and melt off his body because all he is is a skeleton.

A useless sack of bones that has nothing to give to his fiancé on Valentine’s Day.

…

“Jawn shut up and talk to me. Is he okay?”

“He hung up real quick.” Jawn’s voice crackles through his phone. Geoff shifts the phone between his shoulder and ear and stretches to pull his keys out of his pocket. He unlocks the front door and grabs his phone again, touching a button to put Jawn on speaker. “He…I really don’t think he realized what tomorrow is.”

“He hasn’t gotten outta bed in a week,” Geoff tells him. “I didn’t expect him to remember or even want to do anything, honestly.”

“But you planned something, didn’t you?”

“Of course I did,” he mutters. “He deserves it. He deserves so much more than it.”

“And I don’t suppose you’ll tell me what ‘it’ is…”

“If Awsten wants to tell you, he can,” Geoff says. “It’s his surprise.”

“Please don’t tell me you got him a fuckin’ sex swing or shit.”

“I’m hanging up now.” Geoff touches another button on his screen and slips his phone into his pocket. Awsten’s car was in the driveway when he pulled in – he didn’t expect him to go anywhere. Getting out of bed is accomplishment enough – but he usually would’ve heard the garage open and come out to see him by now. “Aws? Love, where are you?”

A series of loud barks is his response. Cooper rushes into the room and weaves around his legs. He gets up on his hind legs and paws at Geoff’s thighs. Geoff crouches down so he can see him better and rests a hand on his head. “What’s goin’ on Coops? Where’s Awsten?”

Cooper leads him into the bedroom. Geoff stops in the doorway, bringing a hand to his heart. He presses it into his chest. His teeth sink into his lip.

Awsten is lying on his side, knees pulled up to his chest. His eyes are closed and his cheeks are shining with tear tracks. His face looks swollen, like he’s been crying for a long time. His hair is messy. He’s dressed, wearing jeans and one of his favorite sweaters.

He was so close.

Geoff moves to the side of the bed. He slips out of his denim jacket and tosses it into the floor. Awsten’s facing away from him and now, most definitely asleep. The movement would’ve roused him if he weren’t.

He slides onto the bed and pulls Awsten into his arms. Awsten squirms and snuffles a bit, letting out a whimper. He begins to stir and Geoff winces, pressing his lips against the back of his neck, right where his hair stops. “S’okay baby. Go back to sleep. M’here now. Everything’s gonna be okay.”

The conversation that followed would’ve been so unbelievably uncomfortable had it happened. But Awsten falls back into sleep quickly, sniffling and choking out another raspy whimper before going still in Geoff’s arms. Geoff sighs, tousling his fingers through the soft lavender strands of hair. Awsten’s roots are growing in, brown mixing with purple to create a blend that Geoff loves but he knows Awsten isn’t happy with.

Depression drains him, draws the shade on saturation like the color has simply been vacuumed out. He lives in achromics, a sea of misery that confines him to their bed, leaves him limp and lifeless, repaints the purple under his eyes darker than his hair because he’s tired but not sleeping, in bed but not resting, surviving life but not living.

“I love you so much,” Geoff murmurs against Awsten’s skin. “You make me happier than I ever thought I could be and I hate that I can’t do that for you. But I hope tomorrow makes you smile because I love your smile and I love your laugh and I love when your eyes get all crinkly because you can’t stop smiling. You’ve given me everything and I hope tomorrow shows you that. I love you, angel. More than I’ll ever be able to say.”

…

He’s gonna be sick.

His stomach’s been churning all day, flipping over and over uncomfortably. The closer they get to dinnertime the more nauseous he feels because Geoff definitely has something planned and the shitty thing he did won’t ever match up and he doesn’t want to win the worst fiancé in history award but he’s definitely on the nominees list.

“Love, hey, we’re gonna go for a drive.” Geoff rests a hand on his back and presses his jacket against his body. “I wanna show you something.”

This is it it’s happening he’s the worst fiancé he won it’s happening he’s gonna look like an idiot Geoff is a dream and he’s a nightmare he’s everyone’s worst nightmare why does Geoff want to marry this mess does he even realize what he’s getting himself into.

It doesn’t stop for the entirety of the drive. Geoff takes his hand over the center console and he squirms, sweating and shaking and trying to discreetly pull away without Geoff noticing you fucked up you’re worthless he’s gonna hate you.

“Baby.” The car stops and he looks up. They’re parked…in the park? He was thinking fancy dinners and expensive china and food he’s not even hungry for, making a fool out of himself in front of a bunch of snobby people and watching the smile drop off Geoff’s face as his act fell through. He was expecting disappointment and guilt and fear and shame, not to end up at the park he practically lives at while Geoff’s at work all day.

Geoff comes around and pulls his door open for him, then extends a hand. He bites his lip and lets Geoff help him out of the car and lead him into the park. “What are we…what is this?”

“You’ll see,” Geoff says. “Close your eyes love, okay? No peeking. I don’t want you ta see it before it’s ready. Don’t ruin the surprise.”

Of course there’s a surprise of course it’s something huge he doesn’t know what Geoff did but whatever it is it’s huge and now he has to explain how he couldn’t come up with a better present because he couldn’t drag his stupid ass out of bed he doesn’t want to be here he doesn’t want to do this why is this happening to him why is this his life why is Geoff still with him whywhywhy.

“Alright,” Geoff’s voice sounds farther away. “Open them.”

And when he does, all he can do is stare.

They’re in the part of the park that’s secluded, a little corner off to the side completely enclosed in by trees. The trees are covered in this spider webbed cotton and strung with little white fairy lights honestly how the fuck did Geoff even plug them in there’s a large picnic blanket on the ground with a basket sitting on top of it. “Geoff, I-”

“Hang on.” Geoff steps over to him and takes his hands, moving so they’re both standing in the middle of everything. “I…I knew you didn’t wanna go big this year, Aws. I know it’s been rough for you lately. I know you’ve been in a really bad place and I know this week in particular was really, really bad. I didn’t wanna do something huge. I didn’t think you’d want it either. Save that for the wedding, right?” He chuckles and waves a hand across. “I wanted it to be simple. Just you and me, under the lights, watching the stars.” He lifts Awsten’s chin and looks him in the eye. “Valentine’s Day’s not about how much you spend or how big you go. It’s about love and being together and celebrating that and it is so beautiful. You, Aws. You are so beautiful. And this is the place we met, the place we went on our first date, the place we became boyfriends…this is the exact spot I proposed to you. This is our reminder that no matter what happens, it’ll always be us, Geoff and Awsten, against the world. Okay? You’ll always have me. No matter what happens. I’ll always be here and I’ll always love you, even when you don’t love yourself.” He smiles. “This day is about you, love. I get to celebrate you. That’s why I love it so much. Any day I get ta celebrate you is a good day for me. I love you, Awsten Constantine Knight. You are the love of my life and I can’t wait to call you my husband.”

“Geoff…” Awsten chokes out. Tears are dripping down his chin and clinging to his neck. His cheeks hurt. The smile aches but he leaves it, looking into Geoff’s eyes. His lip is quivering but he leans in anyway, crashing his lips to Geoff’s. “I-I love you. I don’t- this is…” He trails off. Geoff knows him better than anyone. This just proved that.

He swallows and pulls his phone out of his pocket. Of course Geoff’s idea, no matter how simple, would still turn out over the top and absolutely brilliant. His heart is racing. He still feels the nausea, the balloon lodged in the pit of his stomach that’s just about to pop. “I’m so sorry about how bad this is I forgot I know I’m the worst I hate myself it’s okay I’m so sorry I tried so hard but I couldn’t think of anything for so long and then when I finally did I didn’t have time to-”

“Whoa, breathe sweetheart.” Geoff grips his biceps and holds him up. Awsten wobbles. His legs feel like jelly. He’s sure if Geoff weren’t holding him that he would’ve fainted. “It’s okay. Take a deep breath. Listen. I talked to Jawn, okay? It’s okay. Everything’s okay. No one’s mad at you, it’s perfectly alright. I need you to breathe with me, okay angel? Deep breaths. You’re okay.”

He feels hot and cold at the same time ice is breaking over his back and heat is swelling up right underneath he wants to go why did he even start talking oh god. “I-I wrote you a song for Christmas and I. I wrote this. And it’s probably so bad and I’m so sorry and I didn’t even have time to record it or anything I don’t even know if it sounds okay I just. I didn’t wanna give you nothing you always do all these nice things for me and I’m too much of a mess to do the same and I’m so sorry because you deserve so much better.”

“Awsten.” Geoff’s voice is firm. “Stop. Today is about the person I love, and I’m not gonna let you talk like that about him, okay? He deserves every ounce of love this world has and nothing less.”

“I don’t deserve you,” Awsten says again, pushing his phone at Geoff.

He waits, tasting copper as Geoff’s eyes move back and forth. He swipes the screen and Awsten presses down harder, squeezing his eyes shut against the tears that are burning.

“You’re my final destination?” Geoff looks up at him. His voice sounds…different. Awsten’s never heard that shift in tone before. “I hope it’s nicer where you are, ‘cause I only wanna lift you up? Aws, this is…this is beautiful, sweetheart.”

He barely gets a word out before Geoff is hugging him, pressing him into his chest. Awsten tucks his head up under Geoff’s chin and lets his tears soak into Geoff’s shirt. “You really like it?”

“You know how many times I’ve listened to Lucky People?” He shakes his head. “After you record this I promise I’ll listen to it twice as much. But baby…this is never going to end, okay? I’m never going to leave you. And wherever I go, you’re comin’ with me. I love you. Good days and bad, I love all of them and I want to be there for all of them the rest of my life. So please stop beating yourself up over this angel. You gave me an amazing present, and even if you hadn’t, everything would still be okay. You’ve had a rough week. Being here, with me…that’s present enough love. Having you is present enough.”

“I love you,” Awsten sobs. His chest feels like it’s exploding. His heart could burst. It’s warm and there are fireworks and everything is spinning but it’s a carousel not a blender it’s a carousel of horses and laughter and light.

He feels his knees hit the ground and he’s there for just a moment before Geoff pulls him into his lap. They press their lips together and he wraps his arms around Geoff’s neck, resting his forehead against Geoff’s when they pull away. Geoff’s crying and he is too. The liquid supply is endless, like his heart decided to lodge itself in his tear ducts and pour out all his love for Geoff.

“I love you,” Geoff echoes. Awsten scoots off his lap and puts a hand on his chest. He pushes him until he’s lying down and curls next to him, rests his head on Geoff’s chest and turns his gaze to the stars. Geoff grabs his hand and intertwines their fingers, then brings it to his lips for a kiss.

They’ve shared many Valentine’s Days and they’re usually full of the clichés, of candy and chocolate hearts and fancy dinners and a wild night to finish things off.

This is different.

This is messy, laden with panic attacks and fresh tears and fear and anxiety, this is blurry and foggy and real, this is how he is most of the time, the real him that can’t be shoved under some candy hearts and a nice suit. And somehow, this is the person that Geoff loves, the anxiety-ridden, depression-heavy mess. But this is also fairy lights and stars and carousels and warmth fireworks fireplaces home this is home Geoff is his home.

This is his favorite.

This is everywhere he wants to be, forever, until the end of time.

This is everything.

[fabermemorialrink]

some mistake, part 8

First part of chapter three! Also haha uh this is the last completed section of this fic, so I’m just going to leave it here for a while. I’m sorry!!! The next part is like 80% done, but I feel like this is a cleaner break point, because things turn weird again soon. But who knows! Maybe I’ll get it together for once and hammer out the rest! Anyway, thanks a million to all you beautiful people for reading!! You folks are the best.  ♥ ♥

The first thing Derek does after dumping his bag in the new room he now shares with C is take off for the rink, to see if the guys are around. Chowder wasn't in their room, which figures, since he's been back for a few days already, but neither is he in the lobby with Tango and the rest of the new sophomores, or lying in the grass with Rans and Holtzy in the spot Shitty and Johnson claimed for them when Derek was a wee, impressionable freshman.

Ford, who’s sporting a new pair of glasses and demolishing Whiskey in a game of Guess Who, tells him Chowder went to visit a townie friend, and Derek almost crashes through the lobby doors in his hurry to get to the woods. C must already be chilling with Dex, probably gorging themselves on Bitty’s pie or skipping rocks with Lardo and Tater, which would kinda suck since Derek doesn’t know how to find his way in there alone. He waves a casual goodbye to the others as Holster reminds him about their first team breakfast tomorrow, and takes off. He hasn't seen either of his best friends for over two months.

To his surprise, they aren’t deep in the forest when he locates them. They're perched on a low, thick branch near Derek’s hollow, swinging their feet and eating the syrupy ice pops that the nearby convenience mart sells by the box. Chowder’s lips are stained purple; he grins around the plastic tube dangling from his mouth, bringing up one hand to shield himself as Dex flicks red droplets of melted cherry popsicle at his face.

“Don't even think about it-”

“Thought you liked my freckles, C. Don’t you want to match?” Dex snaps his tube forward, spraying more cherry syrup in Chowder’s direction.

“Not with you, goblin man,” Chowder whines, dodging and ducking like he’s in the Matrix. He loses balance, flailing as he begins tipping backwards. Dex tries to save him, grabbing onto C’s sleeve as he topples backwards off the branch, but only manages to get himself dragged down too. They land in a squawking mess of limbs.

Derek whistles in appreciation, strolling up to them while they thrash around like beached squids. “I can’t believe you just let Chowder die,” he tsks.

“Yeah, what the hell! Dropping the ball, Dex.”

“Maybe if the ball had laid off on bag nachos for the summer I wouldn’t have dropped him.”

“Hey, fuck you,” Chowder laughs, slapping his arm across Dex’s chest. “My body is a temple, and I can fill it with twelve hundred bags of Fritos if I want.”

“Christ, Fritos are revolting, C. Nursey, teach this boy something about nutrition, would you?” Dex asks, staring upside down through his lashes at Derek, who grins down at him.

“You eat pie for dinner! Every day!” Chowder yells.

“What’s that? You loathe Bitty’s pies? You never want to taste another one again in your life? I dunno, this’ll really break his heart, but if you really feel that strongly about it…”

Chowder starts with a wail that warps into a battle cry as he leaps at Dex, who tries unsuccessfully to roll away. The noise he makes when C sinks his nails into his hips is unreal; if Derek ignores the stray laughter, it sounds like he’s being dragged to hell.

“Alright, break it up boys, break it up,” Derek says as Chowder begins a tickle offensive and Dex’s leg twitches like he might kick someone’s teeth in by accident. He pushes his way in between the two of them and nudges Dex away with a foot before sitting himself on top of Chowder’s ass, pinning him in place. Chowder kicks his legs, trying to oust Derek from his spot, but gives up, lying defeated in the underbrush.

“This is blatant favoritism,” Chowder grumbles. “I don’t see you crushing Dex with your steel quads.”

“Hey, if we’re talking favoritism, at least Dex lets you into the trees with him.” Every time Derek asks Dex to join him, Dex just flips him the bird and circles the tree like an unhinged coyote.

“That’s because I don’t want you to break your damn neck, you dipstick,” Dex says as he finally crawls off the ground. “And you’re only like 5’ 9”, so catching you is easier than-” He stops short when Derek stands. Derek, who after two years can look him in the eye without tilting his head upward. For some reason, though, he stares half a minute longer, the skin around his neck starting to grow a heated pink. “When the fuck did you get so- so,” and he waves his hand distractedly around Derek’s general person, “uh, tall?” The word falls from his lips like he intended to say something else, and he claps his mouth shut.

“Well, Dex, it was early on the morn of July 11th when I woke crunched up in my tiny bed like a giant in the land of the-”

“Alright, smartass, I get it.” He backs away from Derek, still rosy and flustered, and busies himself with helping Chowder off the ground.

When they're all finally situated, Derek reveals the gifts he brought back with him. The first item he throws in their direction is a humongous bag of cotton candy, which makes them both brighten to an unholy level.

“Didn't you just have popsicles?” he asks dubiously as Dex parcels out a clump to Chowder and lets a strand of the spun sugar dissolve on his tongue.

“Pssshh,” Chowder says.

“Aight, then hook me up too,” Derek says. He opens up his mouth expectantly as Dex reaches out to give him a handful. Reluctantly, Dex pushes the cotton candy past his lips, to rest on his tongue, then snatches his hand back, turning colors again. Super weird.

But Derek leaves him be, dividing up the rest of his souvenirs. Gloves and a shark-shaped tea infuser for C; a scarf and tiny lobster keychain for Dex.

“Trying to buy our affection again, Nursey?” Chowder teases after they thank him.

“Nah, you know I just notice stuff that reminds me of you guys,” Derek says casually. Dex gets awkward about accepting gifts that aren't food, having hang-ups about being indebted to people and wasting money, but Derek has slowly managed to convince him that none of these gifts carry any burden or expectation. He tries to keep them less expensive and more thoughtful, in order to make things easier for his friends.

“Crustaceans remind you of me,” is all Dex comments on, face unsure if it's amused or exasperated, and Derek breaks into a grin.

“Of course they do! Orange and crabby.”

Dex looks like he's about to try and put him in a headlock, so Derek dumps the rest of the bag at his feet. It’s a collection of books that Dex expressed interest in reading; from the surprised delight on his face when he peeks inside, Derek’s hit the mark.

“They're for you to keep, though I wrote in the margins of some, and they're all a little beat up- not that you don't deserve new books,” and now he's spinning in circles, trying to explain this without coming off as a cheap douchebag, “but I thought maybe you'd like to see what I thought? I mean, obviously you'll form your own opinions, but-”

“Nursey, stop. They're great. Thanks, for everything,” Dex says, warmth lacing his tone as he thumbs down the corner of A Tree Grows in Brooklyn. His eyes flicker up to meet Derek’s, and they share a smile, leaving Derek feeling somewhere in between bizarre and normal.

He tries to forget about it, but Dex remains somewhat squirrely for the rest of the day, culminating in a really awkward clasp/hug when they depart for the evening. Chowder pulls Dex in for a hug, which runs smoothly as usual, but Derek holds his arms out until Dex brings it in and receives an uncomfortable chest-bump half-hug combo that fizzles out when they pull apart and Dex realizes he’s looking directly into Derek’s eyes. He scuttles back into the woods with a hasty goodbye, power-walking away with his arms full of books, leaving Derek to make baffled faces at Chowder on their walk home.

Derek is still stewing over it by tomorrow morning at team breakfast, when he's finally awake enough to ask Chowder what the deal was with yesterday.

“Dex is just worked up ‘cause you got taller and hotter over the summer!” Chowder tells him while inhaling cheerios. Derek almost stabs himself in the gums with his fork.

There were enough keywords in that sentence to grab Holster’s attention from all the way down the table, and he launches out of his seat to accost Derek while he chokes on his homefries.

"Nursey. Nurse. Derek, my bro, my precious d-man hatchling, what delightful news is this?!" Holster bellows, almost knocking Ollie out of his spot as he collides with the bench next to Derek. The plate of pancakes flies across the table like a frisbee, stopped only by Ford's quick hand, trained, no doubt, by hours and hours of expertly managing unruly wild-eyed theater kids.

Derek quits choking long enough to splutter out, "It's nothing, just Chowder being-"

"Nothing?!" comes the outraged rallying cry from Ransom, who crosses from the omelette station to their table in three long graceful bounds. He launches his plate aside to squeeze in next to Holster, which triggers a domino effect and squishes Whiskey to the very edge of the bench. The sophomore continues valiantly eating his toast as if he doesn’t have only half his butt on a solid surface.

"Sounds like way more than nothing to us!"

"Sounds like someone's getting a head start on winter formal, is what I'm thinking, Holtzy." Ransom says, looping his arm around Derek's shoulders and staring him down with his most intense co-captain stare.

"It sure does, bro."

Derek rips his eyes away from Ransom's hypnotic stare long enough to direct his glare at turncoat Christopher Chow, who continues smiling and vacuuming up cereal like he didn't just bodily shove Derek under several two-hundred pound buses. He barely has any idea of what's happening right now, and certainly isn't prepared to defend himself from his captains’ onslaught of (un)helpful support.

"Well, I dunno if he can go to formal," Chowder says, looking apologetic even as he throws gasoline onto the flames. "He doesn't go here, and he’s probably not big on parties. But I think Nursey should ask anyway!" Holster lights up like a Hanukkah candle and stumbles back off the bench in order to squish in on Derek's other side instead, leaving him flanked by both meddling seniors.

“Like always, actual genius C. Chow is completely right. You miss 100% of the shots, etcetera, you know the rest. If you need help asking-”

“We got your back. Nursey, you know we’re here for you,” Ransom says gravely.

“Yeah, of course. Thanks guys, but I'm, uh. I'm gonna sleep on it first.”

“Working up to it, eh? Well, you just let us know.” Rans claps him on the arm and starts tearing into his omelette; Holster watches Derek for half a minute more with two eggs bunched up in his cheeks, but also slaps him on the back eventually, and returns his attention to the table conversation.

Derek pointedly refuses eye contact with Chowder, who huffs a bit, and concentrates on slathering butter on his toast while he mulls everything over. Was Chowder right about yesterday?

Dex and Derek...they sort of joke around about it sometimes. Fake-flirting, pet names – Derek instigates it most times, just to see the glowing flush that overtakes Dex’s skin and the flash of teeth he shows when he snipes back. But when Dex isn't too busy rolling his eyes right out of their sockets he plays along, calling Derek ‘angel face’ and ‘pumpkin’ and ‘sugarplum’. It's just a harmless thing they do. It never means anything.

But yesterday, Dex had been genuinely flustered, and it makes Derek feel restless with questions.

“C. Chowder. Chris,” he hisses, resorting to kicking Chowder under the table until he stops talking to Tango about video games.

“Derek,” Chowder says, beaming, as he literally rips a banana in half. He always eats fruit in these weird-ass ways that Derek has chosen to accept as one of his few shortcomings. “What’s up?”

“Yesterday, with Dex...was he really- do you think he thinks that I’m-” Chowder chews and nods encouragingly while Derek flounders for words. He gives up and winds up demanding, “Am I hot now?”

“Like, objectively? You were always cute, in this quiet way, right? But I dunno, you really grew into your own over the summer,” Chowder says thoughtfully. He places his hand delicately to his chest and scrounges up a parental sigh. “Guess my boy’s finally growing up!”

“Four months younger than you, Christopher.” Chowder just simpers at him, some stray banana mush falling off his cheek. “I don’t feel different. I mean, yeah, we’re the same height now, but the other stuff-”

“Like I said, you were always cute! But you look more...grown-up now? And it really works for you, buddy! And it really really works for Dex, haha.” At Derek’s look of pure, overwhelmed disbelief, Chowder blinks, then takes pity on him, offering a real smile. “Nursey. Don’t tell me this is a surprise to you. He, like, always calls you pretty.”

“Yeah, but that’s-”

Chowder shakes his head as he folds his two banana peels into a stack. “Just a joke? You don’t see the way he looks at you sometimes; I know you’re besties and all, but sometimes he- how do I put this. He lingers? You’ll say something funny, or interesting, and he kind of traces your face with his eyes. And sometimes it’s like he’s studying for a test he needs to pass. Whoa, now I’m getting poetic, but seriously. He can be kind of intense. Pay attention next time, and you’ll see.”

Derek doesn’t need to wait until next time. He's already replaying memories, sifting through for any evidence that what Chowder is saying is true. It doesn't help that Dex spends a lot of time being intense about one thing or another, but pieces start to fit together, moments coming into clarity as Derek thinks about them longer. The way Dex’s amber eyes turn dark and pensive sometimes when he looks over at Derek, an unnamed heaviness passing between them. How the corner of his mouth unfolds into the curve of a smile on occasion, even when Derek isn't particularly amusing. How serious he sounds when he gives out a rare, unprompted compliment.

Derek doesn’t know what to do with this information. He needs more time to process it, so he turns his attention to the other matter that’s come to mind. “How do you see all of this stuff? It sounds obvious when you point it out, but it’s like I’ve been blind this whole time.”

“I just notice things. About you guys, about the team. I like watching people, seeing how they move and think. Maybe it’s a goalie thing?” he laughs.

“No, I get it. But- you’re a good friend, Chowder,” Derek tells him, because Derek likes people-watching too, but Chowder gets him and Dex both. He knows so much more about the people around him than he'll probably ever get credit for.

“Aw, thanks! You’re a good friend too. My question, though, is what are you gonna do about this? Not that you have to do anything! I just don’t want things to be weird.”

“I. Don’t know?” Derek says helplessly. “It’s flattering, but he’s my best friend, and I don’t- I’m not sure if either of us want anything else? It might not even mean anything; like, I’ve always thought Dex was cute, but that doesn’t mean-”

That doesn’t necessarily mean Derek wants to pursue a relationship with him. Dex is attractive, sure, but he's Derek’s best friend. Those two things don't necessarily make them romantically compatible. If Derek took the time to really consider it, could he honestly see him and Dex dating?

Could he imagine going with Dex to winter formal? Dex would probably hate it, grumbling about his two left feet, and the ridiculousness of hiring a DJ for a high school dance, and how preppy everyone looks. He'd chirp Derek for it too, while helping the hockey team demolish the refreshments table, but then compliment him later on some surprising detail like his choice of tie color or the way he's done his hair. Derek would wheedle until Dex agreed to a dance, the two of them swaying stupidly to a slow song, before Derek tries to put his dance lessons to good use. Dex could be convinced to stay for a few more songs, but they'd stay in the corner with the wallflowers, where the lights are dim and the white streamers hang in sweeping loops under silver and spangled balloons. They're about the same height now, broaching six feet, and Dex’s broad hand would rest heavy against Derek’s waist or shoulder, but it would probably link pretty perfectly with Derek’s own hand.

Could he imagine them going to the movies together, sitting in the back row of some noisy summer blockbuster and stealing overpriced raisinettes and nachos from each other? Dex would never spring for snacks, but he wouldn't be able to help himself from swiping food from Derek if Derek decided to be disgustingly extravagant and purchase five different boxes of chocolate. It would start innocently enough, Derek pressing caramels and junior mints into Dex’s hand each time he reached over, until his boxes were empty and he could trick Dex into holding hands with him the next time he reached.

Could he imagine trying to make dinner together? Or spending nights together in Derek and Chowder’s dorm room, Dex tucked in Derek’s away game sleeping bag on the floor next to them? They'd talk until morning about poetry and unsolved mysteries, stupid childhood mishaps and unimportant truths, and maybe when Chowder wakes up it’ll be to the sight of Dex curled up next to Derek on his bed (but he'll never tell).

Derek could take him to the amusement park with the team. Dex would probably like roller coasters like Ransom and Tango. Derek would force him to ride the teacups twenty times with him and Chowder, and drag him through the mirror house. He'd buy him funnel cake and corndogs and more cotton candy, fresh-spun and as pink as Dex's face would be if Derek tried to sit up next to him on the ferris wheel.

They could go explore the historical side of Boston, or tour the haunted houses of Salem, or drive east to Gloucester and Rockport to see the North Shore. They could roadtrip straight across to California, or to Niagara Falls, or to see the Grand Canyon – any of the places that Dex as said he'd like to visit someday.

Derek would take him home to Manhattan. Mama would love him, this prickly, weathered forest boy who she can feed and wrap in a cocoon of blankets. Mom would be more cautious, but dad would convince her, once they bonded over fleecing people in card games, and car maintenance and I Love Lucy. Dex would stay in the guest room, but Derek would sneak him into his room, where Dex would tease him about his choice in posters and the felt solar system mobile mom made for him when he was a baby, still hanging over his desk. They'd lie under Derek’s covers, listening to ATCQ and Run-D.M.C. before Derek gives him a rundown of the music of the last five years, since Dex doesn't know any songs more recent than the top of the charts from 2008.

He'd toss book after book from his shelf into Dex’s lap, recommending every single one despite all the protests. They would drag Derek’s comforter out to the balcony to watch the sunrise together, Dex leaning his head on Derek’s shoulder, his hair the same color as the sun-dyed sky brushing over Derek’s collarbone, and their hands tentatively linked together under the blanket.

Maybe by then Derek will have gathered up the nerves to kiss him.

...wait, hold up.

“Nursey, you in there?” Chowder asks gently as Derek lowers his forehead to rest on the table.

“Yeah, I’m here. Just need a minute to process some stuff,” he mumbles weakly back.

Dex would close his eyes, pale lashes fanning out to flutter against his cheeks in anticipation. Derek would lean in, his heart hammering in sixteenth notes, trying not to crush Dex’s fingers in his grasp. It would be soft, Derek thinks, though sometimes talking to Dex makes him feel like every part of him is burning, whether with frustration or fondness or amusement. They could kiss like a fistfight, but that first time, at least, would be gentle. As silly as it seems, Dex would probably taste like the pie du jour, and he would be warm – so warm and solid against Derek’s skin that he could ignite.

That’s how it would go, he thinks.

Okay, okay, cool cool cool. So he wants to date Dex. This isn’t exactly new; he’s always wanted to hang out with Dex outside of the woods, anyway, like besties do.

He also wants to kiss Dex, so there’s that. It's fine. So chill. Just the chillest.

“I think I might be fucked,” he finally tells Chowder, who nods sympathetically and gives him his glass of chocolate milk in solidarity.

“Like I said, you don’t have to do anything. But the possibility is there. Maybe you should take a chance.”

“Okay, I- uh. I’mma think it over a little longer.”

Chowder narrows his eyes. “Like a hundre-”

“Yeah, yep, like a hundred years longer. I don’t wanna mess everything all up?” Derek says, trying to express with his hands the breadth of this situation. “He’s really important to me, C. I can’t fuck this up.”

“No, I get it. Take your time. And when you figure it out, make sure to let my great-grandchildren know, yeah?”

Derek laughs and scrubs a hand over his face. “Sure thing, Chowder.”

He just needs time to sort it all out: his own feelings, Dex’s strange behavior and lingering looks, and that possibility of something more. He just needs a chance to work through this thing that feels so unexpected yet undeniable, before any more surprises come his way.

[moriiyun]

first listen: txt's the chaos chapter: freeze

oh look! another one!

i'm surprised i'm reacting to this tbh, since i don't know txt all that well ,, i know nearly nothing about them rip. but i’ve always been a casual listener of their music and after watching the mv, i was fascinated by the direction they went in so i decided to dive in :D 

although this won’t be super member-specific or detailed, i hope you enjoy it nonetheless!!

once again, these are just my opinions and takeaways so pls don’t kill me thanks :D

1. anti-romantic

ooh. this was nice. it kinda starts off as one of those staple sad ballads? and you expect it to be like sad and mellow and calm the whole way through - which it is, but not in the way you expect. the bass is super prominent and picks up in the chorus which stops it from being the calm song that you put in your sleep playlist but it still feels calm, somehow. what’s interesting is that with the bass picking up the way it did it makes you anticipate this big drop where the instrumentals fill in and the sound feels...full? idk how to describe it but yea. a good example would be in my blood by shawn mendes, where the big drop that you anticipate actually comes. but in here, it never does. it stays kinda hollow and echo-y throughout. it’s cool cos it’s almost like it’s going against what you expect musically - which is like ‘anti’ bit of the title, since pop culture always romanticises romance and expects you to do the same, but in this song they aren’t, they’re ‘anti-romantic’. the fact that it’s hollow the whole way through is kinda indicative to me that without the fulfilment of romance, one tends to feel hollow (for them at least); or how one feels hollow after a break up or losing a loved one. it’s an interesting song and i really enjoyed it since it felt like a whole world of music explaining lyrics and lyrics explaining music :)

2. 0x1=lovesong (i know i love you) ft. seori

* yells * the more i listen to this the more i love it!!!!! it’s got a rougher, slightly grunge sound that is more reminiscent of kbands than actual kpop groups, which i adore, and they pull it off beautifully. they’ve added a rougher timber to their voices that i’m pretty sure is new for them (?), but idk i love this sound for them so much!! maybe it’s because the song sounds almost desperate, with a certain sense of yearning that leaves you not feeling satisfied when the song ends, added on to the fact that it doesn’t really resolve and just ends - it makes you feel like the song is too short, makes it feel like you could play this song on loop for hours, makes you feel like it could cure heartbreak. it hits a spot you didn’t realise needed to be triggered but it’s so satisfying to hear the song and yet, you don’t feel satisfied by the time it ends. i dunno i love this song so much. the instrumental is beautiful, even if you can tell it’s just midi instruments. they way the song pulls back and fills up and builds up and fulfils before becoming hollow and sparse again. there is something about it the way it makes you feel inside. not to mention the harmonies scattered throughout the song that add such a beautiful touch. seori’s voice is one of my favourite voices in music, her voice is so unique and beautiful and it adds an almost whimsical texture to a song that feels very grounded yet dreamlike. there is something beautiful about this song that i cannot explain, and maybe i will be able to explain it someday, but for now i’ll just cry over how beautiful it is ;-;

(p.s. txt really do love their long ass titles huh)

3. magic

this is a bop i don’t make the rules. this is such a fun song omg like i did not expect it to sound like this. it feels like a song from the 2010s with a bit of 2000s energy?? idk it slaps it is such a bop i physically started dancing in my seat while listening to it and could not stop. this is a earworm for sure and you bet it’s gonna get stuck in my head for the next 2-4 working days. gave me the same energy as can’t stop the feeling by justin timberlake for some reason but like. make it ✨ sparkly ✨. this feels like glitter and confetti and a fun party at your friend’s place where you stay up all night bopping to songs from your growing up years. the high range notes in the chorus were so crisp and beautiful and the harmonies and echoes added a little extra kick which made the song hit different. and the bridge!!!! literally i imagined hearing this at a concert and the entire crowd cheering and shouting the bridge and now i miss attending concerts. it really is a feel-good song that is an instant seretonin boost!! and i’m only just realising on second listen that all the lyrics are in english i feel like a clown 🤡 it’s a beautiful song about how love is magical, and that if you’re broken hearted take a chance because you could experience something magical which is. honestly not something you hear in songs often cos everyone’s like ‘oh im broken hearted let me sob about it’. which is maybe why the song feels almost like fairy dust and magic (no pun intended) because broken hearts need time to recover and after the initial feeling of a breakup, having something good with someone doesn’t feel like a reality - in other words, magic. but like tbh i would totally listen to this on a road trip and yell to it with the windows down because it just feels so. carefree and almost like i can fly!!

4. ice cream

hm this is. interesting. the intro of the song honestly threw me off a bit? not in a bad way but i was a bit confused at first lmao. like that was unexpected lmao. but i’m gonna yell about the pre-chorus now because it’s art?????? like whoever came up with this pre-chorus deserves a raise seriously. like for the first two lines of the pre-chorus it actually pans from ear to ear???? like bruh damn. and the way it descends with the sung-rap being more staccato and choppy and THEN the ticking noises kicking in later?????? literally genius engrave this pre-chorus into my memory pls. also the weird warped ‘wap’ sound in some parts in the song is so nice?? like overall this song is so nice in the instrumentals and mixing cos of the way it creates atmosphere?? idk it hits different in that aspect. and the harmonies in different parts of the song are a really cool addition and they’re so well done????? also i will take a moment to talk about the chorus because i have no idea why ‘i scream you scream we all scream for ice cream’ is there but it makes you pay attention to the chorus like ‘hey listen up’ which i think is smart hhhhh. but the ‘i scream you scream’ shouty part lowkey annoys me?? like the tone in which it’s done somehow doesn’t sit right with me and it feels like it’s a part of the song i just don’t. like it for some reason. overall am still undecided about whether this should end up in my playlist but i do like it a decent amount so who knows ?

5. what if i had been that puma

okay this was a fun listen. it reminded me of like a mature, grown up version of cat and dog?? like the audiotune and the bass beat is very reminiscent of that, although the melody of the music and how they sing/rap over it makes it sound way different and definitely more mature and grown up than cat and dog. it was something that made you want to keep listening, from the moment it surprises you by starting without any intro, until the end where the music cuts out and one of them sings acapella to the end. also one of my favourite parts is the rap in the second verse!!!! like all the music cuts out and then the rap cuts in, and for that moment the song sounds like a modern hip hop song and not like a kpop song and it’s interesting that they made a section of the song sound like that. if you look at the song as a whole it feels like a video game?? idk i would listen to it while gaming or hanging out with friends just chilling because it’s such a chill and relaxed song. i feel like if you removed the vocals and mellowed the music out a bit it could be a lofi song LOL. idk since they literally put puma in all caps i expected it to sound like puma but it’s like. the furthest thing from puma. and yet it says what if i had been ‘that’ puma, like implying that they aren’t that puma and want to be like it. OH maybe they’re just ‘cats’ (reference to cat and dog) and they want to be like ‘puma’ (a literal wild cat) but they aren’t/can’t so they dream in a more mature way of what they want to be but cannot achieve?? idk i’m just rambling at this point lmao. overall there really isn’t a lot to say about this song musically because it’s not the most complex but it was a fun listen and was still interesting!!

6. no rules

why does this radiate high school musical energy to me???? idk the vibes and the energy, and maybe the bass with the claps and the synths, horns and trumpets that come in later in the song contribute to it i suppose. i also really love the acapella sounding thing in the first pre-chorus because it’s so well done and pretty!! also another thing that i noticed is that the pre-chorus are pretty different from each other when usually pre-choruses are similar to each other, and then there’s the bridge that honestly doesn’t sound much like a bridge but more like another pre-chorus?? those things are cool and honestly they were like ‘well if songs are usually made a certain way i’m not doing that because there’s no rules here :D’ what’s interesting is that this song is similar to new rules? like musically the vibes are quite similar and they’re quite upbeat but the difference is that new rules follows song structure pretty closely so stuff like verse, pre-chorus, chorus, verse and etc. but at the end of new rules after what you think is the ‘bridge’ there isn’t a final chorus - instead the song just ends, which breaks the typical song structure; which might be a heads up to no rules since no rules practically ignores song structure as a whole which is cool. i might be grasping at straws to be honest but if this is a genuine connection that’d be cool, and even if it isn’t this song is still great :)

7. dear sputnik

okay i love this one. the grungy rough sound returns, but instead of being mellow and sad it’s very uplifting and empowering yet magical at the same time!! like i feel like i wanna fly through space and i can achieve anything when i hear this song seriously it’s beautiful. the intro radiates coldplay vibes slightly?? and the pre-chorus is literally art it’s like you don’t expect it to go there, and it almost feels like we’re going through turbulence while cutting through the atmosphere and it destabilises you and goes down instead of up but yet it stabilises and brings you to the chorus which makes it feel like you’re blasting off at light speed to fight some space pirates and create an epic space adventure together with your best friends. the bridge almost feels like you’re preparing to conquer the universe and the final chorus feels like the epic battle at the end of it all where you defeat your mortal foe. this song feels almost like a cinematic experience in three minutes and it is really so uplifting and beautiful like the whole chanting stuff in the back all the time makes it feel like there’s a whole crowd rooting for you and they’re gonna have your back and they’re gonna go and cross space and conquer the galaxy with you. it really hits a spot in you that you don’t think about and it’s so interesting in the way they’ve executed it. also i think it’s cool that they referenced sputnik which was the first ever satellite to orbit the earth!! it makes you feel like you can go and accomplish the impossible and make it a reality and you have the universe in the palm of your hand. this is going into my list of emotional support songs for sure :D

8. frost

oh this is a gooood song. literally radiates evil psycho vibes, like i would play this in a suicide squad movie and it genuinely reminds me of poor unfortunate souls from the little mermaid which is sung by the villain, ursula. the commentary at the start and end really gives it a comic book/superhero movie kinda feeling?? i also love the way their voices sound in this?? like they’ve changed their vocal tone and it’s so unique!! and you can hear it isn’t autotune and they’ve actually made the effort to practice this specific vocal tone and it works so well so kudos to them!! the instrumentals really match everything too like the ‘ding’ in the verses really sounds like icicles clinking like title reference much?? also i love the bridge so much the warped bits and how it’s just a quick rap that really doesn’t hold your attention from the loudass chorus. the way they produced this was really soooo good it sounds so well put together and just a cohesive thing that flows soooo well like yall are suicide squad going on a mission and everything’s going to plan *evil laughter from a distance*. the way it’s instrumented really adds to the evil villain energy of the song seriously. also the vocal echoes in some parts, the random cackles, damn this song was very well thought through. it has such an interesting energy because the dynamics are so not grounded like idk the dynamics feel funky. also everything feels unstable and slightly warped almost like you are crazy which is so cool !!!

overall this is an amazing album, some really cool songs on here, and no two songs are the same, they’re all so distinct!! it’s an interesting direction and sound for them, but if i’m being honest i think we all enjoyed this one :D here’s to more good music from them hehe :)