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I feel guilty about honorata. she texted me that she misses me when she was drunk and posted sth abt missing her ex on Instagram. we weren't actually together so I don't really know if she means me, or maybe her actual ex but still I feel guilty as fuck. maybe I shouldn't because I've never promised her anything and we kissed like twice, but I can tell she was super into me physically, and of course she wanted to fix me, I'm pretty sure about that despite me telling her I don't want that and I'm not for anybody to fix. I feel kinda like i owe her a lot, because without her I probably won't ever get that job, but I KNOW AND AM AWARE that nobody can make me feel the things I just don't feel, and expecting a relationship in return for a favor is just wrong - not that I think she does, but I feel guilty that I didn't want to be with her. I never meant to lead her on, I genuinely like her but well, not like that and not that much. I'm just confused, I've always been a confused mess.

błażej is right about anka though, I'm probably being stupid that I want to have a close relationship with her again. I should stop sending her links and yeah sure I can meet her for drinks from time to time but that should be all. I know I miss my best friend, but we haven't been best friends for a loooong time, at least on her end, so I really shouldn't kid myself anymore. we won't ever again be that close. but it's alright, it's life, I have to deal with this. as for her and marceli, it's not any of my business but it kinda hurts and feels a tiny bit like betrayal. plus I am aware all of them think I'm this unstable crazy person and maybe I am because I never proved that I'm not, but I can't deal with the fact they actively keep that knowledge away from me, and so very clumsily that they must really think I'm very stupid or that much self absorbed and I won't notice anything. there was a time I thought marceli was my genuine friend, and maybe he was then, but sure as hell is not anymore and I shouldn't, and I WON'T humiliate myself like this again. I remember when I told him about my dad and when I cried in front of him about anka and I really feel like I lost a friend. but the worst thing for me is the feeling I get when I realise they are making a fool out of me. I honestly don't want to be with any of them romantically, so I dont care that they're together (although it does hurt, I won't lie) but the fact that they played me like that makes me furious. oh well. I won't show that I know, I will wait for the right time and then I'll stab them with the truth.

and also I'm a bit concerned that lying comes so easily and naturally to me, I sometimes catch myself not even thinking abt it and making shit up to seem more interesting. I have to work on that, change that. I have to deal with the fact I'm super boring and ordinary, cause I am. no more of this fake persona.

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from complex ptsd: from surviving to thriving by pete walker

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I was scrolling through the earlier posts on here and I actually wrote that Im certain nobody loves me, that my family tolerates me and my friends like me cos I'm funny sometimes.

I am currently feeling tentatively hopeful, because when I read that I thought 'wait, its not true'. I have grown. I started noticing that there are people who think I'm important.

feeling very very tentatively hopeful.

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I kinda wish my best friend understood i sometimes really do need time on my own and I really really can't choose the moments when I feel awful. it's not like I suddenly decide 'hey, let's have a breakdown' but then when I remember I have plans i can be like 'nah, let's crumble some other time lol time to party'. shit i wish it was like that. I know he came here for the weekend but I decided to be nicer to myself and not force myself to do the things I don't want to do, so I didn't hang out with him yesterday and I can feel he's angry at me. I like to think about him as my soulmate, but there are times when I stop and think more critically about our friendship, and it seems that the majority of the things we do together is party and get drunk, we very rarely have honest and serious conversations. I know not every relationship I have has to be this serious talking kind, but sometimes I feel like he doesn't really like me for the person I am when I'm fully myself but rather for the person I become when drunk, this crazy wild party person who likes a little trouble and getting home long after the sun comes up. idk I guess I should stop thinking our connection is something unique, we just click when we're both in a good mood and we like to party together. I don't know. I wish I could open up to someone about my feelings and fears and struggles, but I don't know how to express the things I feel, how to identify them and name them and stop being afraid of them, so I think I really need therapy for that. there are times, quite often actually, when I feel this unexplainable knot inside me, like tangled feelings trying to burst out of me but I don't let them, I don't even know if those feelings are bad or good, I just kinda know there's a lot of it. and I'm scared of feeling anything that matters, so I haven't let myself feel anything that matters for a long time. probably some unresolved childhood trauma huh.

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i had wanted to write something substantial here and i keep having these urges to do so, but then i sit in front of the keyboard and think ‘why? is it even worth anything?’ and decide not to. but well, i guess today is the day

my ‘vacation’ is slowly coming to an end, i’m starting a new job at 1st of july. and im glad really, because i’ve been doing literally nothing since april and ive truly had enough. i may be a lazy bastard, but doing literally NOTHING everyday for 3 months has been definitely bad for my mental (and physical) health. there is nothing exciting about watching new series or new variety show when thats the only thing you're doing every goddamn day. so yeah, im actually tired of doing nothing, who would have known it will come to this.

that thing with honorata has kinda come to an end on its own. i mean, i went to my parents’ for nearly a month because ive been going slightly crazy on my own, and our bond kinda loosened then. i mean, i somehow knew it was going to end sooner rather than later, because shes a very sexual and sensual person and i am kinda not, and she totally deserves to be with somebody who will match her needs, but. i just hope she doesn't have any hard feelings towards me, especially because she kinda got me that new job... i never asked her to do it, she did it on her own volition but still, i kinda feel like i betrayed her. in that aspect. because ive always been more or less straightforward about my hesitation with touching and my unwillingness to have sex with her, so in that aspect i dont really need to feel guilty about anything. i like her, shes a cool person, but i just dont see us together and i wont make myself fall for her, im not that person anymore. if it comes, it comes. if not, then we can be friends. 

i also spent a hard thinking session trying to understand my sexual identity at the moment, because i found myself truly confused a few times during the last few months. the main source of confusion being my sudden realization that i may be more into men than i thought. sure, ive had crushes on guys a lot of times before (and i even fell in love in one in 2nd grade which i always recall with a cringe), i’ve mostly had crushes on celebrities and idols, not real people (same with women, and embarrassingly - not a lot of women i’ve had a crush on). but lately i find myself fantasizing about how would it be to have a relationship with a man. when i do that, though, i dont tend to think about sex or touching, it’s more about talking, sharing things, experiencing things together, being best friends and then becoming lovers - i may not know what i want, but i do know that i dont want a relationship that begins with an intent to build a romantic relationship, or with a one night stand. i’m a sucker for this friends-to-lovers scenario; thats kinda exactly how my previous relationships happened. of course i sometimes do think about sex, thats why i am pretty sure my self-assigned asexuality is not really ‘it’. and after thinking long and hard (no pun intended) about it i decided to label myself as a demisexual, because i really dont understand the appeal of a one night stand, i do understand the appeal of kissing and touching somebody you got to know pretty well, though. and i do know labels are really not important, but as a person with ocd i just like them c: 

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a friendly reminder to myself and anybody who might also need it

you CAN say “no” to anything

you dont have to do anything just because you are afraid you will be judged or laughed at or ridiculed or yelled at if you won’t

if you dont feel sure abt it, don’t make yourself do it

you dont have to text back if you dont want to or if you dont have the energy to do it

also you CAN say “yes” to the things you want to do , don’t let your insecurities convince you that you don’t really want to do them

you CAN change your mind , even during something

youre not obliged to agree to everything somebody asks of you even though that person helped you before

youre not obliged to share your thoughts, feelings and worries with anybody. nobody should ever make you do it

you CAN share them with the people you trust, though. dont feel bad about talking to your friends about your struggles because you try to be there for them too. thats what friends are for

its better not to say anything or say “i dont know” or “i dont wanna talk about it” than lie

you dont see it, but you ARE a worthwhile human being 

and you definitely shouldn’t feel bad about thinking you’re worth something.

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zdziczałem

ale znalazłem nową pracę

pogodziłem się z anką , poniekąd

hoping for more good days

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Dziczeje

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Im just really really lonely and truly trying not to be a bitter bitch about it

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We can only function and be best versions of ourselves when we're apart

But why is it so hard. I lost my best friend. I miss my best friend terribly

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I feel like alaskas and sharons story appeals to me so much rn because we destroyed each other in the same way aaron and Justin had

We were best friends, unsinkable, invincible. we became lovers and it worked and we were good together. until we werent anymore. we fucking destroyed each other, i did it with my jealousy, pressuring, posessiveness and craziness, she did it with her inability to commit and make a decision, lies and being dishonest about feelings. we are both wrecks now. my madness and her sadness

Maybe i never loved her truly and wholly. I dont know. I have huge trust issues and i cant identify my own feelings accurately but i thought i did. She was my everything once.

I crave it again. I want to have somebody by my side again. I would like to say i dont need it, i want it. But im not sure. Before i fall for anyone again i have to be comfortable with myself so that i dont let my raging insecurities kill my next relationship. I know. But still, i feel like i dont have a purpose anymore, like i dont have a heart.

Maybe she took it away from me when she left

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God i shouldnt be so sad, the guy rejected me but weve only been talking for a week. Girl just fucking stop its pathetic

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The version of you right now is deserving of love. Not you two years ago when you had more of your shit together, or the five years later version where you’ll surely be thriving. The version of you right now. The one that might just be okay, or is really struggling, or is bored and unproductive. That version deserves love. Having trouble accepting this is fine, but actively denying it is not. Your value is intrinsic, and finding confidence in that is mandatory.

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i don’t get disappointed anymore, I just be like aw again? ok lol

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I keep mistaking types of love over and over again

Just because i love my friend doesnt mean i have to fall in love with them? Like, brain STOP IT.

Guess its a problem with being asexual-ish

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i need to rediscover who i am. i seem to have lost it somewhere along the way. deep down, i think living on my own and spending a few days totally alone will do me more good than bad. i really need to focus on myself right now, because - quoting RuPaul - how the hell am i gonna love somebody else ?

i’m stubborn as fuck. i don’t like admitting i’m wrong. i don’t like having nothing to say about a discussed subject, so i often pretend that i do know things and make them up. i’m a romantic at heart but a bitch on the outside. but when you get to know me and i start caring about you, you will have the most loyal ally you could ever dream of (it is probably accurate, i heard it about me 3 times in my life). i can’t shut up if someone is voicing completely inaccurate opinions about something, though i wish i could, it drives people away. i’m lazy but constantly restless all the time, i have OCD. I love making up scenarios in my head involving my favourite people, favourite fictional characters etc. and once in my life i legitimately thought i could be a writer. i once thought i could be a musician, too. i sometimes feel this overwhelming surge of emotion coming through me and i cant name what it is, but it’s almost certainly positive. i’m hopeless about feelings. i can’t identify my own, and thus i really, really can’t identify other people’s. i know i got a problem with this. i’m not a sociopath though, just not a very sympathetic person i guess. i love music. i often feel the need to have a tv on all the time, in the background, it reassures me. i guess it feels like home somehow. i think i am not really worthy of having this ideal, perfect relationship that i secretly crave (i’m a romantic, like a said). i don’t actually have control over my life, all of it sort of happens and i often feel like i’m watching the events from a safe distance (of my mind). i’m mentally ill, but i try to cope. i’m not suicidal, i’ve not been suicidal in a long, long time. i’m not straight, i’m not gay, i’m not bi, i just like certain people, i don’t like labels much. i’m not tough, i’m soft. i appear tough sometimes, i have to. if i shown how soft i really am, people would crush me. i’m very, very breakable. i like feeling sorry for myself, it’s easy. i like to feel useful. i like creating perfect little lives in the sims to protect myself from dealing with my own, not so perfect existence. i like words, though i don’t really know how to use them well, especially when talking to people about my feelings. as a result, i really don’t like talking about my feelings, and often i feel like they’re not valid. although i know they are, all the feelings and all the people are valid, to themselves and to people who care about them. i loathe excersising and it shows. i have moments when i’m comfortable in my body. i had an eating disorder a few years ago and sometimes, at night, i wish i could be as skinny as i was back then, but not really, not at that price. i know i’m not really healthy, but then, who is? this was supposed to be cathartic and sort of helpful in putting all those little pieces of who i am an  bringing them together again. i can’t be somebody i’m not, i don’t want to be somebody else. i want “me” to be as good, as worthy as anybody else in the world. 

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1. Michael Sheen is a man

2. Michael Sheen is fucking 50

And im weirdly attracted to him in so.many.ways

Time to confess that im not gay, im more in the bi area