#due to my low self esteem in regards to my brain/mind/thoughts/intelligence and constantly feeling dumb or like an idiot)
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i wish i could take a tumblr break but like. for my real life
#i try not to talk too much about my emotions on tumblr for fear of getting too Personal and getting sent anon hate sdlkfsdljfs#but uh. this year has been hard man!#i basically never leave my house because i get nervous 1) when i'm alone 2) when i meet new people 3) interacting with strangers#and when i do leave my house it's just to go to acting class and uh. that's hard !#especially because my self esteem is both at it's lowest and highest it's ever been#(lowest in regards to how i fear/feel other people perceive me and highest in regards to how i feel about myself on a good day)#(but another part of that is also the fact that i regard other people's emotions/feelings/beliefs as more valid than my own#due to my low self esteem in regards to my brain/mind/thoughts/intelligence and constantly feeling dumb or like an idiot)#and i love acting but. basically it's been very very difficult this year - more than any other#both because i am realizing that there is a pattern on how i'm typecast because i'm tall and not very feminine bc of my weight#and because i have to confront my intimacy issues and my insecurities about never having been a viable relationship option for men#due to - you guessed it! - my height and weight and like Braces too let's be honest#and it's. a lot!#and it's even worse when i'm in an environment that wasn't healthy for me last year either but is also the easiest way for me to DO acting!#at least where i live#but ANYWAY. i'm pushing through it 'till april when we perform and then after when we perform in the summer at my city's theatre festival#and then hopefully once i start university i'll actually feel ? good about myself and have good friends whom i trust#also i REALIZE I ALREADY KNOW ALL OF THE PROBLEMS I HAVE and can describe them really well skdfjdskfs#it's just that uh basically all coping mechanisms... don't work or haven't worked yet#so thank you for your nice anon messages and stuff! it does mean a lot i'm not just saying that#and it'll mean a lot to me if you keep supporting me and my content in the coming months because it helps a lot!#i love you guys!!!#if you're still reading these tags... props to you man#anyway sorry i'll probably delete this i just needed to get my feelings out SOMEWHERe dkfjsd okay bye !
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