#dude lost one of his closest friends four months and is this close to losing it

[cori-randomstuff]

Ex 4 is literally just Ferris trying to not lose it.

He is so tired of everybody's bullshit. He is desperately trying to not punch people, especially Vincent who is an absolute asshole as always.

[smokeybrand]

Mutiny

I’m not a fan of Joe Rogen. I find a lot of what he says to be problematic as f*ck but the way he says it, is FAR more damaging. Dude pushes some wild, dangerous, nonsense under the guise of “free speech”, disingenuous “debate”, and insidiously leading questions. Rogen is the Frat Boy version of Tucker Carlson in a lot of ways and that sh*t just doesn’t appeal to me. Beta males who think too highly of themselves listen to this due and take him seriously. These are people who are not self-actualized, who’s entire personality is based on their car or their sneakers or some other superficial bullsh*t they confuse for a personality, and that’s what Rogen’s entire show is; Superficial bullsh*t. So when he pushes dumb-f*ckery like “Don’t get the shot if you’re young and healthy”, these idiots who are either teenagers or have the mentality of teenagers, f*cking listen and we have a spike in cases. Because Joe Rogen said so.

The other day, this asshole bought into that whole “White Fear” sh*t, talking about how the Straight White Male is the most persecuted demo in America and i just groaned. This is the same exact sh*t Carlson does on his show, verbatim, just slightly less racist. It’s the current strategy of what is fast becoming the American Fascist Party, Republicans. It’s hypocritical f*cking nonsense and i hate it. How the f*ck would Joe Rogen, a Straight White Male with a whole ass podcast, be silenced or censored or persecuted/ He’s a multi-millionaire with one of the most popular platforms on f*cking Spotify. How the f*ck would any White person, especially Straight White Males, get silenced in the US? The bones of this country are built to uphold a very specific form of White Supremacy. Hell, cats talk about all these rights and liberties but, in the very beginning, those rights were only extended to White Male Landowners; basically Rich White Men, and guess who the f*ck Joe Rogen is? The constitution had to be amended to include every one else which means this country was designed to be a haven for objective White Supremacy. The fact that they replaced Straight with Rich is just a misnomer used to broaden that division and you have assholes with real audiences buying into that dangerous bullsh*t, disseminating that poison to their followers. And they just drink that persecution complex kool-aid, up. It’s f*cking absurd.

The irony in all of this is the fact that the country is getting younger and browner. Statistically, by the time Gen Z’s kids come of age, we’ll outnumber White people. The margin will be slight but they’ll be the overall minority in this country and that’s why we have all of this fear-mongering and treasonous tantrums. That system the Founding Fathers built to protect their power, is falling apart. It's all a matter of time. Why do you think they're fighting so hard to keep DC and Puerto Rico from becoming actual States? I can guarantee those cats who signed the Constitution never anticipated the influx of melanated people over the years, interbreeding with their lily White sensibilities, or the homogeneity desegregation would bring to society or the way Black culture ended up shaping the entire American zeitgeist or how the Internet just blew the doors off any illusion US citizens had about our true status in the world at large. I was born in 1984. Ten years before i existed, the South was still heavily segregated. My generation, the Millennials, were the very first to be completely free from the social consequences of the Civil Rights Movement. We were far enough removed from that to just see people, not race. I was exposed to so many more cultures, religions, and people, as a kid, than my ma had been when she was young. It wasn’t like, all of a sudden, we were singing kumbaya together, but it was definitely a start, one that has only gained more and more momentum as the Generations who came after mine, started coming of age in a world whose borders are just ceremonial at this point because of the Tech age.

I met my chick and made friends across the globe in a chatroom. One of my closest friends lives in New Zealand. Another stays in Finland. My birthday twin lives in England. She’s a year older than i am and has a beautiful family. My Puerto Rican sister met her dude around the same time i met my chick. He’s from Alabama. She moved from the island to be with him and they've settled down in Georgia where they share a beautiful daughter. My best friend became so close with an Asian girl from Australia, that he adopted her as his own sister. They spoke at least twice a week for the next fifteen years, all the way up until he passed away. The world is much smaller, much clearer, than it has ever  been before, and it turns out that it’s full of color. Color these Straight White Men are, apparently, terrified of. That’s got to be it. That’s got to be why they’re throwing these big ass tantrums and constantly fear-mongering about it. I don’t understand. When Brie Larson said what she said, it was the truth. There are THOUSANDS of films about White dudes you can watch. The entirety of film history is Straight White Males. What is so bad abut getting some chicks or People of Color or some LBGTQ representation in a few leads? Why can't we have strong Black performances in movies where we don't play the “magical Negro” or f*cking Slave? Why can't we have an all Asian cast when the principals aren't constantly fetishized? What is so terrible about giving a role to a Muslim that isn't linked to some ridiculous terrorist trope? Who’s really offended by this and why are they so goddamn fervent about it? Straight White Males, bud.

It’s because their grip on the reins is slipping. The power and the privilege they’ve had for so long, too long, is started to tip in the other direction. The playing field is, ever so slowly, evening out and these Straight White Males are losing their sh*t. They’ll talk about “being racist against white people” and “it's fine to interview everyone but hire cats who are qualified” with one breath but then absolutely savage voting rights directly focused on crippling the Black vote and desperately cling to the idea that 45 still deserves to be president, even though a steady stream of his criminal incompetence has been flowing out of the the White House since he’s left. The level cognitive dissonance is f*cking hilarious. It’s as bad as the GOP complaining about “cancel culture” while literally silencing Liz Cheney. Are you f*cking kidding me? I gotta sit here and listen to a very vocal minority complain about the direction of the MCU because they’ve decided to add a plethora of female and POC roles going forward into Phase Four. They keep asking “who's this for?” and it's obvious it's for everyone, not just Straight White Males. That, to them, means it's going to be bad. Just because the focus has shifted from three White dudes in leading roles, suddenly the MCU has lost it's way. It’s like, all of a sudden, just because the MCU wants to represent their audience as a whole, not just a narrow and shrinking part of it, we’re not supposed to trust in Feige anymore. Are you kidding me? The Green Knight is slated to be another massive hit for A24. The cat who wrote that film was bounced from studio to studio because he created that story specifically as a vehicle for Dev Patel and no major studio wanted to make it with him in the lead. Dev Patel is a f*cking Oscar winner and a brilliant actor but this movie, draped in surreal and beautiful imagery, driven by a visceral, bloody, focus, wasn’t going to get made because the lead this plot was specifically written for, happens to be brown. But Straight White Males are the ones being silenced? Okay, bud.

Joe Rogen is a symptom of a greater problem and it’s the problem of White Fragility. White Fragility fuels the worst of our society. It's the genesis of racism and bigotry. It drives Nationalism and is fertile ground for cults of personality which blossom into whole ass dictatorships. These motherf*ckers are in they’re feelings and will burn this country to the ground if it means they will stop getting their way. Brie Larson calls out the ridiculousness of the race bias in Hollywood? They attack. Arizona flips Blue because Indigenous people and Black folks come out to vote in droves? Voter fraud and four recounts, one months after the election has been called and Biden has already taken office. Jordan Peele says, out loud, to the entire country, that he’s not interested in telling stories with White people in the lead? Shadow banned from Hollywood. Dude was the toast of Hollywood after Get Out and Us. He said what he said and cat's been trapped behind the camera as a Producer ever since. It’s nuts because these people complaining about how hard it is to be and how unfair the current social climate is to Straight White Males, have called Twatter NPCs whiny, SJW, children, for years. Bro,you’re the same, just racist! You are the Trump to their Obama. You are the thermodynamic reaction to their Civil action. You assholes are arguing the same merit, just on the opposite ends of the spectrum so, if they’re whiny assholes, wouldn’t you have to be, too? The only difference is that the Twatter assholes have a zeal for inclusion while you Rogen Bros have a penchant for White Supremacy and, given the choice, I'd have to agree with the Blue Checkmarks in this regard.

Straight White Males have had the run of this country since before it was a country and look what they’ve done with it. Look where we are, right now, in the year of our lord, 2021. This is as far as we have come under their stewardship. It’s time for a new captain, i think. Sorry if that hard truth hurts your feelings. Now please steer us away from those very obvious rocks. I’d rather not violently crash into that reef and sink into a watery grave before we can get our hands on the wheel to right this ship, all because you assholes are in your feelings, thank you.

[lamptracker]

FIC: Counting Down the Days (part 1/?)

Here we go with part 1.

FIC: Counting Down the Days

Pairing: Peter Parker/Female Reader

Inspo: “Cancer” by My Chemical Romance

Summary:  While visiting a children’s hospital as his alter ego Spider-Man, Peter meets a girl his age. She’s sweet, she’s smart, she’s funny… and she’s dying of cancer. When she laments the fact that she probably won’t get to live long enough to have the typical teenage experiences of prom and a boyfriend, Peter offers to fill those roles for her.

Warnings: Talk of death. The usual cursing (he is from Queens). Endgame spoiler. 

Tagged: @flokidottir-imagines-br  @babyplutoszx2   @musiclover1263   @judemoos   @drxgxnslxyer   @hollanderheart   @thequeensardine   @ive-got-some-lies-to-tell   @captainbuckyy   @xxtomxo   @deleteidentity   @yessterekthings   @itsyaspacemom   @upsidedownparker   @starksparker

(if I tagged you and you don’t want to be let me know, k?)

**

“Mr. Spider-Man! Mr. Spider-Man!”

A boy, about five years of age, ran full-tilt down the hall at St. Mary’s Children’s Hospital; he only stopped when he ran smack-dab into a pair of blue and red legs.

“Oh!” Peter Parker, known to many as Spider-Man, looked down at the small boy hugging his calf.

Peter had recently decided to give back to the community he helped keep safe. His aunt May had suggested going to a children’s hospital in uniform, to help brighten the patients’ spirits. St. Mary’s was the closest, so he tried that one; he soon fell in love with the small patients there.

“Hey, DeMarcus! How’s it goin’, buddy?”

“Guess what, Mr. Spider-Man!” DeMarcus’s little brown eyes gleamed under the harsh fluorescent lighting. “The doctors say I’m all better! I have something called re...re...  ugh, Mommy, what was that word?”

“Remission,” DeMarcus’s mom said, smiling widely.

“Yeah, that. But I get to go home, Mr. Spider-Man! Isn’t that awesome??”

Peter held out his gloved hand for a high-five, crouching down so he and DeMarcus were eye level. “That is so awesome, dude! I think that calls for a high-five.”

DeMarcus giggled as he returned the high-five. “I’m going to miss you, Mr. Spider-Man.”

“I’m gonna miss you too, buddy. I’m sure I’ll see you around, though.”

“Mommy! Can you take a picture of me with Spider-Man?”

DeMarcus’s mom pulled out her phone, snapping a few pictures of the two of them together. “Thank you for doing this,” she said. “It really made him happy, that a real superhero took time out of his day just to come see him.”

“The pleasure’s all mine, Ma’am, really. DeMarcus is a good kid, I really am going to miss seeing him. Hey, buddy, can I get a hug?” Peter asked, crouching down again.

Wordlessly, DeMarcus flung his arms around Peter. “I love you, Mr. Spider-Man.”

Peter chuckled. “Love you too, buddy. I’ll see you, okay? In the meantime, be good for me. Study hard in school and stay out of trouble.”

DeMarcus nodded, firmly grasping his mother’s hand. “Mommy! I can’t wait to go back to school and tell everyone I’m friends with Spider-Man!”

Peter chuckled as he walked down the hall.

“Is that everyone?” he’d asked a nurse.

The nurse checked her chart. “I know you don’t normally go there, but you could visit the teen wing, maybe? It’s not usually very full, which is why we don’t usually have you go there. But… we have had one patient in there for a while now. Would you like me to see if she’s up for a visitor?”

“Sure.” As the nurse walked down the hall, Peter sat down in a chair. “Karen, any messages for me?”

“Text message from Science Bro Shuri. Displayed or read aloud?”

“Displayed is fine, thanks, Karen.”

Hey Spider-Doofus. When you get done there, come by the lab. Got a little something for ya

Peter chuckled. Probably a suit upgrade, again. Ever since she came to America to work for Stark Industries, carrying on Tony’s work, she had been upgrading his suit at every opportunity.

“Follow me,” the nurse said. Peter followed her down a hallway, into a room on the corner; the nurse peeked her head in. “(y/n)? You ready for your visitor?”

“Sure. Forgot to ask who it is, though.”

“It’s Spider-Man.”

A chuckle. “Is it really Spider-Man, or is it just my uncle Leo in a rented costume again? Because that was kind of a bummer.”

“It’s the real deal, (y/n). Can he come in?”

“Make him prove it,” the girl called out skeptically.

Without another word, Peter shot one of his webs through the crack in the girl’s door.

A long pause, then: “Yes, I’d love to see him.”

Peter laughed as the nurse opened the door wider, allowing him access. He paused at the end of the girl’s bed.

She was thin, not painfully so but definitely thinner than she was supposed to be. Her hair had all fallen out, but based on the pictures littering her nightstand and taped to her walls it had been (y/h/c). But the thing that struck Peter the most was -

“Holy shit, you’re my age,” Peter breathed.

The girl chuckled. “Yeah, I- wait, what?”

“How old are you, anyway?”

“Seventeen.”

“Me too.”

“No way, really?”

The nurse had left at this point; Peter closed the door behind her and webbed it shut for extra insurance. “You cannot tell anyone about this,” he said.

The girl scoffed loudly. “Probably in this joint for the rest of my life,” she said, almost bitterly. “And I practically have nobody. Who am I going to tell?”

“You… well, we’ll get to that, hold on.” Peter carefully removed his mask, looking at her; he ran a hand through his thick auburn curls.

“Wow, you’re cute,” she mumbled to herself; Peter laughed. “Do you, uh, do you live around here?”

“Sort of. I don’t know you from school, though, where’d you go?”

“Townsend Harris. Where do you go?”

“Midtown.”

The girl laughed. “Ah, smart guy, huh? You know I missed getting in there by like three points? I got held back in fifth grade, because I missed so much school when I got sick the first time. It’s a long and winding explanation but to sum it up, it’s cancer. My name’s (y/n), by the way.”

“I’m Spider-Man. But my real name’s Peter, Peter Parker.”

“Well, it’s very nice to meet you, Peter Peter Parker.”

Peter smiled warmly at her. “So… what do you mean, you have practically nobody?”

(y/n) sighed. “Well, my dad left when I got sick the first time. Said having a sick kid was causing too much stress on him, turns out he’d been cheating on my mom since I was four. Um, he pays child support but it’s not much so my mom works two jobs just so she can pay for my bills. If she’s not at one of her jobs, she’s here. But she works such crazy hours that she’s not here as much as she wants to be. I don’t have any siblings, both sets of my grandparents are dead. I have cousins but they live in Maine.”

“Any friends?”

“Oh, sure. They come by once in awhile, but they never stay long. I know being with someone who’s dying is kind of a bummer. I’m still in the group text and on Snapchat, but it’s hard watching someone live the life you’re supposed to be living, y’know?”

Peter just nodded solemnly.

“I’ve had this twice before,” she added, “and I’ve beaten it both times. But this time, it’s spread too far and my body really can’t handle anymore chemo, so… I’m just around until I’m not around anymore, I guess.”

“Wow,” Peter said. “That is incredibly not fair.”

“Tell me about it. My friends are all stressed out about their SAT’s, what college they’re going to pick, and here I am wondering if I’m going to live until dinner.” (y/n) puffed her cheeks out, exhaling slowly. “That’s dramatic, I’ve got at least a month or two but you know what I’m trying to say. But anyway, prom is in a few weeks and they’re texting me pictures of their dresses and they’re all going to look great.” She smiled sadly.

“But you’re not going to get to go,” Peter said softly.

“Nope. That’s the thing that sucks about this the most. They get to have lives, Peter. They get to go on dates, have boyfriends, go to prom. I won’t get to do any of that.” A tear slid down her cheek; she hurriedly wiped it away. “I’m sorry, you came in here to cheer me up and now I’ve bummed both of us out.”

“No, no, it’s okay! It’s okay.”  Peter smiled at her warmly.

But the wheels in his head were turning. And once they’re in motion, he finds it very hard to get them to stop...

“Hey,” he said finally. “What if I did that?”

“What if you did what?”

“Well, I-I know you can’t leave, right? But maybe… maybe you could have a date? In here? With me? And-and maybe we could have our own tiny prom?”

(y/n) scrunched up her face in confusion. “You just met me, you’d do that just for me?”

“Sure, why not?”

“Because you’ll get attached,” she said simply. “And then I’ll be gone, and then you won’t know what to do?”

Peter laughed bitterly. “You think I’ve never lost anyone close to me before?” he asked, voice tinged with sadness. “Let’s see, I’ve lost… um… both my parents. My uncle Ben - who I watched get shot, by the way. And you’ve heard of Tony Stark, yeah?”

“Yeah. That was so sad, I… oh, no.”

Peter nodded. “He was my mentor, the closest thing I had to a dad since Uncle Ben died. And I watched him die too. So… I’m sort of used to it.”

“God, Peter. I had no idea, I’m so sorry.”

Peter shrugged. “Eh. You never know what’s going on with a person just by looking at ‘em, y’know? So, um… what do you say, huh?”

“You can't fall in love with me.”

“I can’t promise that, I fall in love very easily. I almost married a key lime cheesecake last week. Our children would have looked really weird.”

(y/n) laughed slightly. “You know what? Okay. Let’s do this. What have I got to lose, huh?”

“That’s the spirit.” Peter winked at her; they both burst into laughter. “Okay, um… I have robotics club tomorrow after school, and then I need to-”

“Robotics club? God, my fake boyfriend is such a fucking nerd.”

“And my fake girlfriend is really fucking mean.”

(y/n) started laughing again.

“But anyway, I can’t come by tomorrow but I can the day after? I’ll bring coffee, where’s your favorite coffee place?”

“I always like Rosita’s on the corner of 41st Street and 43rd Avenue?”

Peter nodded. “You got it. I’ll text you when I’m close to there, you can tell me what you want when I get there.”

(y/n) grinned slightly. “Well, Peter Parker, how you gonna do that without my phone number?”

Peter cocked his head to one side in confusion, then laughed. “Ah, (Y/n) used flirting! And… it’s super effective! You do raise a good point, um… can I see your phone?”

(y/n) nodded, handing him her phone; he programmed his number into it quickly. “Here, I’ll just text you so you have mine, I… it’s complicated, I…”

“Phone built into your suit?”

“My fake girlfriend is really smart too.” Peter shook his head as he dissolved the webs holding her door shut. “Okay, so… see you in a couple of days?”

“I’m really looking forward to it, Peter. Bye. Great Pokemon reference, by the way.” She waved slightly as Peter returned the gesture, then slipped his mask back on as he walked out the door.

“I don’t know what you two were talking about in there,” the nurse said as Peter stepped out of the room, “but that’s the most I’ve heard her laugh since she’s been in here. I think that’s just what she needs right now. You will come by and see her again, right?”

Peter laughed. “I promise.”

He thought about that old adage - To the world you may be one person, but to one person you may be the world.

He’d only known (y/n) for about a half hour, but he already knew her world had been filled with hospitals and sadness. He hoped that he could make what was left of her world a little bit brighter.

[heartsofstrangers]

What has been one of the most challenging things you’ve experienced or are currently experiencing?

“Probably drug addiction.”

Tell me about that.

“Since I was fourteen years old, the first time I ever tried it, I’ve been intermittently addicted to crystal meth. The past four years, it’s been pretty consecutive other than the four months that I spent in jail two years ago. I guess that’s the gist of it.”

When did you start using it?

“I was about fourteen years old. I used to do it every other weekend with a group of shitty friends that I had made.”

What was going on in your life at that time?

“I had just lost my best friend, who was like my brother; we grew up together. He died from complications due to diabetes. I saw that they were using it and I had taken Adderall before. I thought it was like Adderall, except you could snort it or smoke it, and I thought that’s always fun. I recognized that they were carefree on it, and I wanted to be like that, so I did it.”

What was it like the first time you got high?

“It was sketchy and I was on edge. I don’t know if you’ve done any sort of upper, but it’s intense. It actually made me feel disgusting for a while. I felt really gross the entire time and then coming down was awful, but something inside me wanted to do it again, so I did. It disconnected me from the world. All that really mattered was scribbling on a piece of paper for hours on end. I guess it was really getting lost in reality.”

How did your life unfold—were you in school at that time?

“It kind of caused me to ‘fail out’ of high school; I didn’t drop out, but failed out pretty bad. I had to retake my sophomore year on the computer and graduated at the bottom of my class because of it, or the choices I made while on it. I don’t really know if I was in control or not then.”

You talked about jail—how did you end up there?

“I got arrested leaving a drug deal in June 2015 and then, after my parents bailed me out, I stopped going to court for the probation sentence and a year and a half later, they picked me up at my older brother’s apartment at 11:00 p.m. Six bounty hunters apprehended me and  then I spent the next four months in Montgomery County. I was there for Thanksgiving, Christmas Eve, Christmas, New Year’s Eve, New Year’s, and almost my birthday, all behind bars.”

What was that like?

“Honestly, it wasn’t that bad. It was pretty shitty and I was very confined. I was in a sixteen-man room for the most part. It was me and fifteen other people, all in a big-ass room full of bunk beds, having to stare at each other all day.”

Where did that lead you to mentally? Did you process anything in your mind about where you had been, where you wanted to go, where you were?

“I just wanted out. It kind of made me feel like an animal. In Texas, I don’t know what it’s like anywhere else, but you become state property when you’re incarcerated; you lose all your rights. Basically, you’re a body with a name. You’re not a human in there. It’s weird.”

How long ago was that?

“It was January 2017.”

Where did you end up when you were released?

“Back to my older brother’s, and he does dope too. I went right back to where I started, or stopped at midway.”

So, you were sober and clean in jail?

“Yes, while I was there.”

Did you go through withdrawal?

“I slept for the first four days. I didn’t eat or use the restroom; I just slept.”

So, you get out, move back in with your brother, and get right back into it?

“The night that I got out, I used.”

What’s your relationship like with your family, aside from your brother?

“I don’t talk to them, only whenever they speak to me and, even then, it’s usually just my mom, and it’s like once every two weeks, sometimes twice.”

What are those conversations like?

“I love you, I miss you. I love you too, I miss you too.”

Do they live locally?

“They live about two hours away.”

Do they kind of push you away due to your addiction?

“I alienated myself because I knew I’m not anyone a parent could be proud of—that’s how I feel. Because of my problem, and I don’t want them to see me like this and I won’t let them. So, I pushed myself away from them.”

Have you done that with close friends as well?

“I’ve done it with everyone.”

So, who are you associating with, dealers and other users?

“Yeah. I dated this dude for almost a year and he basically isolated himself away from me recently because of it. That really fucked me up a little bit because I feel like I put so much into it, but really it was just me high as hell, overthinking everything, all the time, slowly dissipating into nothing.”

It’s got to be a pretty lonely feeling to be that isolated.

“Yeah, but you’re never really alone when you’re a drug addict.”

Because you’re connecting with your substance.

“I’m perfectly fine with being alone, but I’m not okay with how lonely I am most times.”

Are you scared at all to continue down this path?

“Yeah, because I don’t know where my life’s going. So, I just get high and it’s like ‘where are you going now?’ to go get high.”

How can you afford to get high?

“My best friend sells it. My only friend just happens to be a drug dealer.”

Are you performing any sort of acts or anything in exchange?

“No, no, no; we’re just really good friends and misery loves company. He’s basically in the same spot I’m in.”

What are some of the things you’ve lost along the way through these years of addiction?

“Honestly, I lost my sanity, a lot of good friends, and a close tie with my family. I lost my car. I lost my license. Somehow I lost my social security card, but I don’t think that had anything to do with drugs. I lost my apartment, but that was at the beginning so that’s not a big deal.”

Where are you living now?

“I live with my friend, Pat, who is also a drug addict, but he’s a more functioning one, I should say. He’s held a job for four years and his addiction is kind of new and, ironically enough, I’m the first one he ever tried it with, which is kind of funny or fucked up.”

Have you ever been in any situations where you felt like your life was being threatened?

“No, not really. Not that I can think of, but I don’t know . . . no.”

How’s your judgment when you’re high?

“You can rationalize just about anything. For the most part, I would say it’s pretty good. There are dumb people who get addicted to drugs and there are people who are addicted to drugs who already have a good grip on reality and are able to make the right decisions or rational ones at least, but I’ve done some pretty stupid stuff.”

What are some of the stupid things that you’ve done?

“Not put the filter on a vacuum cleaner and small things like that. I’ve never done anything really stupid like rob anyone. I did, however, one time throw a brick through a window. I was super pissed off at the person who lived at the apartment and, in a fit of rage due to addiction or substance use, I picked up what was closest to me, which happed to be a chipped piece of concrete by the curb and chucked it threw the window. I don’t know how’s that going to fix it, but it made me feel better. It was really stupid.”

Prior to losing your friend, had you experienced any sort of obstacles early on in your life that taught you some coping skills to deal with grief, pain, or challenging experiences?

“To isolate; that’s all I’ve ever really known. Get over it and, if you can’t, shut up about it. That’s what I was basically taught.”

Do you want to stop?

“Yes and no. Crystal meth is the only thing that’s kept a roof over my head while, at the same time, it’s kept me on the edge of losing that. It’s the only thing that sort of keeps me connected with the real world because I have friends and acquaintances who use and who keep me from going insane living alone. At the same time, those people come and go. Those people aren’t necessarily friends you want to keep around; they’re people who are just going to bring you down because they’re going to keep you high. I’m aware of that but, at the same time, I can’t stop. So, yes and no. I was sober for about a month and moved to New Mexico with my ex. That didn’t turn out well, obviously. He flew me back here on a last-minute, overnight flight and I started using again.”

How old are you now?

“Twenty-four.”

So, you’ve been using for ten years?

“Just about.”

Any issues with your health?

“No, not that I know of. I probably have shaky hands, but so does everybody.”

Do you sleep?

“Yeah, every night, which is kind of an achievement really if you’re a crackhead like me. I’ve kind of plateaued. I’ve reached a level of tolerance that makes me have a normal sleeping schedule, which is something you really don’t want to be but, at the same time, I’m glad I’m there because now I’m normal-ish. I don’t look cracked out.”

What’s your biggest fear?

“Dying—not from drug use, though I guess that would suck too, but just dying in general, because I don’t know what’s going to happen after that. Maybe my biggest fear is actually not knowing and being unaware.”

In contrast, do you feel like you’re living?

“I feel like I’ve been dead since I was about twelve, but I don’t think that had anything to do with drugs, but the realization of how fucked up the world really is. I think I’m living in a way—I get to do shit that not everybody gets to do, like not have to work, I’m able to explore the city, and that’s what I do every day. I go to different parts of the city and sketch around, but I’m probably not really living, not in a way that’s (I guess) savory.”

Did you grow up here?

“No. I grew up two hours northeast, in a little town, Cold Springs, with about 900 people, and that’s consolidated because it’s a bunch of small towns put together.”

What brought you to Houston?

“Drugs. I bounced from circle of users to circle of users to circle of users until I ended up in Kingwood. Kingwood is right on the outskirts of Houston. I just migrated over here, made friends wherever I could, and now I’m here.”

When you agreed to do the interview, did you have any idea that you’d be talking about this?

“No, not at all. I honestly had no idea what it would be about. I was just like ‘an interview, okay, that’s fine.’ I thought maybe it was going to be ‘how do you feel about Houston’ or some sort of typical bullshit interview, but I didn’t think it would make me open my eyes to shit I’ve been closing them to or haven’t said out loud in a while. I’ve said this stuff before, ‘I don’t want to do this.’”

How does it feel to hear yourself expressing these things?

“It kind of pisses me off.”

In what way?  You’re pissed at yourself?

“Yeah, because I know I’m just going to go get high afterwards.”

Are you high now?

“No. I used, but I’m not high. I guess that’s high; I don’t really know. The last time I used was about six hours ago. I get high and then there’s other days where I just get by and, today, is a just a get by day because I didn’t do too much of it.”

What happens if you don’t use?

“I sleep and I’m dead to the world basically, which is probably what I am now, but in a different way because I’m asleep. I’ve slept for thirty-six hours straight before and my friends have asked if I had a bladder infection, and I said that I was good, just tired. When I woke up, I had muscular atrophy, where I couldn’t really feel much, and then I’d just waddle around until I found food, and then I was good.”

Would you say you’re depressed?

“Probably clinically. I used to take Pristiq, but it didn’t mix well with my meth use, so I cold turkey stopped taking it after about six months. It’s a serotonin replacement or something, but I thought it was kind of bullshit. I’ve been told before by friends that I’ve been manic; they would say ‘wow, you’re pretty manic’ and I’d say ‘yeah, I know.’”

Do you think you were like that before the drugs or has that manifested since?

“Half and half. I’ve always been kind of bipolar-ish, but this has really intensified it or brought it to a meniscus versus overflowing. If it was overflowed, I’d probably be in prison, but it’s definitely got to that point.”

What keeps you in that elevated state?

“Being aware that I’d probably go to prison, so to stay at a constant ‘that’s okay.’ It’s not necessarily the way anybody would want to live.”

What were you like as a child?

“I didn’t take ‘no’ as an answer. I wasn’t a spoiled brat or handed everything I wanted, but I didn’t have to ask for much. I never really had to go without anything. My parents weren’t wealthy, but they were comfortable, and have been that way as long as I can remember. For the most part, I’d say I was a pretty happy kid.”

How did you meet your friend who died?

“We were neighbors. He was like my brother. I don’t have close ties or close relationships with anybody like I did with him. He was the first person I could ever really say was my best friend. When you’re a kid, grandparents, aunts, uncles, parents’ and grandparents’ friends die, and  you say ‘oh, that’s sad.’ But, when your fourteen-year-old best friend dies, basically out of the blue, he just wakes up one morning and then he’s dead . . . That shit really happens, people die, people who you know die, people you’re close with die, and it’s hard. It sucks pretty bad, especially when you’re that young and you don’t really know how to take it in. You know how you’re supposed to take it in, you know how people do it, and you see it in movies, but there’s something inside of you that dies too, and you can’t wake it up. Josh was my best friend and was like a brother to me. We did just about everything together.”

What would you say to him if he was here now?

“That I’m sorry. I would tell him that I’m sorry because, at this point, I would have probably alienated myself from him too. I guess given if he had left and came back. Yeah, I would tell him that I was sorry because I’m sure he wouldn’t have wanted to see me like this.”

What do you think he would say to you?

“I don’t know. He’d probably call me an idiot, but I’m not sure.”

If you could go back to your twelve- or fourteen-year-old self in that time in your life, as the adult you are now, what would you say to that child?

“Don’t do it. You’re going to fuck up. Don’t do it, but that twelve- or fourteen-year-old probably wouldn’t listen anyway. He’d probably think that I was stupid because ‘no’ is not an answer and ‘don’t’ is not a reason.”

What were you passionate about at that age?

“I really liked art and liked to draw. I haven’t actually picked up a pen or pencil and drawn anything since I was about seventeen. My senior year of high school was a pretty heavy usage year. I was focused on doing that versus something that made me happy.”

How does it feel when you’re drawing or creating something?

“It’s instant gratification, kind of like vacuuming is to me now. I did it, it’s there, that’s something I did, it’s something I completed on my own, other people get to see it, I get to see it, know that it’s done, know that I did it, and I like it. It’s a successful feeling, but I haven’t felt that in a minute.”

Did you have any other outlets that you felt a connection to?

“I listened to music a lot. Even now, I listen to music all the time. I never played any instruments and I’m not really talented in any other way, but I like music.”

Do you write at all?

“No, not at all. I don’t even remember the last time I wrote something down. My handwriting probably looks like someone trying to write with their left hand. I’m not used to a pencil or pen; it’s unfamiliar.”

What’s the first thing you do in the morning when you wake up?

“I drink coffee sometimes; that or Coke, which is terrible for you. I eat, smoke a cigarette, and then smoke dope (I guess use).”

Have you ever felt hopeless and suicidal?

“Yes, at least twice a week. I feel like I’ve reached a point where there’s no way of turning around. I’m twenty-four years old and I already hold a drug possession felony. No one’s going to want to hire me, so I haven’t tried to look anymore. I have basically no friends, especially if I were to stop. My family and I aren’t really close and they don’t want to help me anyway. I feel like there’s not a good enough reason to want to keep living but, at the same time, I’m kind of too much of a pussy to kill myself.”

So, you’re just kind of slowly and passively doing it through using drugs every day and not taking care of yourself.

“Pretty much.”

Is this what you thought you’d be doing tonight?

“No. I knew I was going to be doing an interview, but didn’t think it would be such a reflective one.”

If there was someone else out there listening to this or reading this who could relate to where you are in your life and where you’ve been, and possibly feeling hopeless or numb, or even just alone, what message would you want them to hear and know?

“That they’re not alone. There are other people just as fucked up as you are. I have a really bad mouth, it’s probably just another side effect of drug use. They’re not the only ones who feel nothing or like they are that.”

Is there any part of you that sees a different future for yourself other than your situation right now?

“Yeah, but it’s all sort of hazy. If I were to try to picture it, I couldn’t put the pieces together. It’s more like an audio clip. I can hear myself ‘all right, you’re sober, you’re good, life’s okay,’ but I can’t actually see it. It’s like there’s someone with my voice telling me that, but I don’t see it with my own eyes or inside my own head. I can’t picture it and to me that just tells me it’s not a thing. If you can see it, you can achieve it, and I can’t see it.”

Is it possible that that’s faith? Do you have faith?

“I have something; I don’t know what it is. I don’t know if I’m pessimistic or I’m realistic, but I don’t think I have faith in myself; that’s what it is.”

Why?

“Why should I? Maybe I just doubt myself more than I have faith in myself.”

All the various skills you’ve developed to sustain what you’re doing today could be used in the opposite direction to sustain you in a way that you might thrive.

“I’ve managed to be able to live without any sort of resources other than the kindness of strangers for the past three years, so that’s good; that makes me something.”

That’s strength.

“I’m probably evil. I don’t think I’m a bad person for it—surviving strictly on the kindness of others. It sounds terrible when you say it like that. I’m just getting by how I can.”

What would give you hope?

“Probably better resources. If I knew there would be something to catch me whenever I fell off this horrible plane ride of whatever it is I’m going through now. If there was a safety net that would give me hope. Now knowing that I would hit rock bottom and fall to my death if I were to stop, I won’t stop because of that. If there was something to catch me, and if I knew it would be okay and there was a better support system other than the people who are constantly throwing dope in my pipe, then I probably would stop.”

It’s hard to see that in any situation. I can only speak for myself, but for me, I could never see what was going to catch me either, whether I continued to perpetuate self-destruction and didn’t want to not feel pain anymore, but didn’t know how to end it without inflicting more pain on myself, or to follow my heart and intuition and move in the other direction. My life started to change when I listened to my heart and moved in the other direction, but it was just as scary because I couldn’t see how I was going to have the resources I needed and somehow (and I’m not a believer in your traditional God or any type of religion) miraculously I had what I needed when I needed it. It didn’t ever come in the way I expected it to, and yet it was there, some sort of ground beneath my feet, and that gave me faith and restored my faith that if I had enough courage to continue to be vulnerable, enough to step out of my old behaviors, to step out of the routine, and step out of the comfort, even if it is perpetuating discomfort—somehow it’s familiar so it’s comfortable—if I had the vulnerability and courage to do that, something would catch me. I remember early on looking for people who were going to save me or thinking that all these various opportunities that presented themselves were going to be the quick fix that would save me. What I continued to learn, and to repeat over and over again through making that mistake of thinking someone else was going to save me, is that I had the power to save myself all the while. All the resources I needed were within me. I had to think them into reality: thought, action, reality. Yet somehow, we train ourselves to think it’s going to come the opposite way, that it comes from the outside in, but that wasn’t my experience. I don’t know if that makes any sense to you.

“It does.”

I can relate to that feeling of being stuck. You know you want to get off that ride, but you don’t know if there will be anything to catch you if you’re to get off. So, you stay stuck.

“I made up this fun little terminology of being plateaued. You’ve reached a level where there’s nothing much around other than the great distance between you and the ground and it’s not high enough to put you up in the clouds where you need to be. So, you’re there, drifting above the surface of rock bottom and normalcy.”

It’s like being in limbo.

“Yeah, or purgatory. I live in purgatory. Actually, it might be hell. I live in gray, very gray, not a whole lot of color there.”

Are there moments where you see or feel color in your life?

“There’s a lot of blue and, when it’s not blue, it’s red but, for the most part, it’s gray. I don’t really feel much but, whenever I do, it’s usually just sadness. I get so sad and I feel like I can’t do much about it, so again, I get angry, then I get so mad that I cry and that makes me even more sad, and then I’m mad that I’m crying, so it’s purple or gray. It’s not really a colorful journey—this life. It’s like an old-school comic book, it’s all grayscale with a little blue and a little red.”

What do you know about the process of grieving?

“I don’t. I know that it sucks. I don’t know how to get over it. You can either sweep it under the rug or you can actually deal with it, and I’ve just been sweeping it under the rug. Anything that I’ve ever lost, I’ve been ‘all right, shut that down, shut that down’ and only ever pick up where I left off, which is having it suck basically, whenever someone lifts that rug up for me ‘thanks.’ So, I guess I don’t know much about the process of grieving.”

I’m not particularly sure about the order, but there are five stages of grief. I think you’ve mentioned a few of them, like the deep sadness, the anger, and there’s a stage of blame, transferring that uncomfortable feeling onto someone else, making them responsible for your suffering. There’s also acceptance, which I think is a hard one to come to; we avoid a lot by repressing. As long as we can keep it stuffed down, we don’t have to look at it or accept that it happened. Until we do that, we’re not truly moving on, whether it’s grief or trauma. I had a woman tell me in an interview, and it’s very profound, she said when she started to heal the trauma, the addictions started to go away, and that really stuck with me. I believe that we continue to connect with whatever our substance is, whether it’s our phones, drugs, alcohol, money, or sex, to avoid looking at the wound, but the only way to heal a wound is to treat it with compassion and kindness.

“Not a big band aid?”

No. I know in our culture and in our families, we’re taught to discharge pain, to move away from it, and stuff it down.

“The sun gives you a sunburn, stay away from it kind of thing.”

Yes, but growth, transformation, awareness, wisdom, empathy, joy, and love are all qualities that are developed through leaning into pain and discomfort, not from running away from it. Everything that we long for—that sense of real meaningful connection, fulfillment, sustenance in our life, and purpose—is on the other side of that pain, and there’s no way to skip over it or go around it.

“You got to go through it and deal with it.”

Yeah. It’s shitty. I don’t know what’s worse, spending your lifetime running away from it or feeling shitty for a period of time, then having some relief, and maybe recognizing that you’re resilient, you do have potential, and there is more to life than this grayscale and constant fear of when is the bottom going to drop out.

“I feel like I’ve hit rock bottom a couple of times, like literally scraping my teeth on its surface is where I’ll probably want to stop but, at the same time, I’ve probably hit that part too. It seems like chilling at the mantle.”

Do you have a favorite song lyric, mantra, or something that someone has said to you, maybe even your friend or your parents, that has stuck with you that you’d like to share?

“There are lyrics to a song that says ‘if you talk me out of my needs and stitch me up at the seams then I can live in my dreams’.”

What’s that mean to you?

“It’s kind of sad, if you think about it. If I didn’t have to do the things I have to do, then I’d be happy. If I didn’t have to wake up and get high, I’d probably be okay or if I didn’t require x amount of blah, blah, blah then I’d be cool, things would be okay, and life would be a dream. But, that’s not how it is and I’m living a nightmare. Yeah, talk me out of my needs and stitch me up at the seams, I can live in my dreams.”

Do you think it’s possible to heal?

“Yeah. You just got to rip off that band aid I was telling you about. I don’t know. I feel like, metaphorically, my band aid is waterproof and I don’t want to pull it off because it really hurts, and I don’t want to deal with it, so I slowly pick at it, but eventually I just stick it back on. Yeah, it’s possible to heal; tons of people do it, right?”

Yes. It’s a matter of surrendering. It’s like showing up and saying ‘I don’t know how this is going to turn out.’

“But doing it anyway.”

Yeah. That’s courage, right?

“Yeah. I don’t think I have much of that. Like I said earlier, the fear of the unknown, I don’t know if I’m going to be able to do it, so I don’t try it.”

What’s worse? It seems like you have more to lose by continuing and knowing that the rest of your life may look like it does right now or there’s a risk that you may feel some discomfort for a while, but there’s a chance that things could get better.

“I don’t know. I should probably stop using, because it’s not helping me. I wouldn’t necessarily say that it’s hurting me either, but that’s probably the drugs talking.”

Who would be the first person you would call, if you were to make that choice?

“I’d probably call my mom. Yeah, that’s probably who I’d call. I’d probably tell her to come get me. I’ve done it before. I’ve told her ‘I need you to come get me. I need you to fuckin’ stop what you’re doing and come get me’ and she has; she would do it in a heartbeat. The last time I called her and said that was about three years ago. I’m not too sure how or if she would be okay with it or how she would go about it, but I’d call her. I need to call her actually.

“Not only for that, but I miss my family a little bit, a lot. I haven’t seen them. I spent that one Christmas in jail, but the two after that—I didn’t go, the one before that—I didn’t go. I haven’t been home in so long. I haven’t actually seen my mom in a year—that sucks. For a long time, she was my best friend. She was always a shoulder and an ear. It’s been a while, a long time.”

I hope you do make that phone call.

“We Snapchat sometimes, which is kind of weird. We’re actually Snapchat friends, but I haven’t snapchatted her in about six months. I sent her a text about two weeks ago, and that’s about it. I haven’t heard her voice in a long time. I can still remember what she sounds like, which is kind of surprising. Usually whenever I cut things off like that, I completely disconnect from it. I don’t know what they look like. I don’t know what they feel like. I remember her and her voice; it’s weird.”

Do you think she would answer the phone now if you called?

“She’s probably asleep right now, but yeah she might answer. If not, she would text me ‘what?’, but I think she would answer.”

I hope you make that call after this interview. How has it felt to talk about these thoughts, feelings, and experiences with me tonight?

“Surprisingly, not bad. Like I said, I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. At the beginning, I thought it was probably going to be annoying, but I didn’t find it that annoying because there was a level of comfort versus judgment. I didn’t feel very judged at all.”

It’s a beautiful thing, you being vulnerable.

“Is that what this is?”

Yeah, and you being met with empathy. It kind of kills shame, which I think feeds addiction.

“Probably, yeah, needing to hide something.”

It’s a heavy weight.

“It will suffocate you. That’s always good.”

It’s lethal; it really is.  Do you think it’s possible by sharing your thoughts, feelings, and experiences so courageously tonight, as you are, that someone on the receiving end gains some hope, inspiration, or at least a sense that they’re not alone?

“I would hope so, because this wasn’t that easy to do. Yeah, I think they probably could if they aren’t stubborn assholes like me, and listen all the way through. Because if I were handed this to listen to, read, or watch, I’d probably stop paying attention halfway through; depending on my state of mind I might say ‘I don’t want to hear that.’ If I actually listened to it or if someone like me listened to it from A to B, they’d probably like it; they’d probably get it.”

Yeah.  Thank you.

“Thank you. You’re welcome.”

I’m really proud of you. This was a really courageous thing to do and you skipped right into it.

“I ripped the band aid off that time.”

You did. I hope you’ll continue to do that.

“There’s a bunch of open blisters and sores here—this sounds so weird.”

Thanks.

[traincat]

I know you've already sort of discussed this but could you please explain the marvel 2 in 1 ending... what I'm getting is that the gist of it is that Reed and Sue are just like 'lol whoops I guess we sorta forgot about u'... which is really kinda anticlimactic and abrupt. Did I read it wrong or something? All that build up and angst just for it to go down the drain... is there something more to it that I'm missing that you know of?

I can explain it, but the answer’s not going to satisfy you, because it doesn’t satisfy me. Long story short: there were implications there was something more to the story than Marvel Two-In-One’s final two issues said, but Fantastic Four hasn’t followed up on that like, at all, and shows no signs that they’re going to anytime soon.

In the interests of putting all of the pieces together, I’m going to lay out everything that happened between the cancellation of the Fantastic Four title and now, because there are a lot of fuzzy periods. The Fantastic Four disappeared from the Marvel universe and from the shelves back in 2015, following Jonathan Hickman’s Secret Wars event. In Secret Wars, the multiverse has been destroyed and cobbled back together into Battleworld, a realm where Doctor Doom rules as god king, with Sue as his wife, Ben transformed into a huge wall, and Johnny as Battleworld’s artificial sun. It’s a real fractured fairy tale. At the end of Secret Wars, Reed defeats Doom and reunites his family. Using Franklin’s mutant ability to create entire universes and the Molecule Man’s powers, Reed, Sue, and the children of the Future Foundation set out to recreate the multiverse. Ben and Johnny are sent back to their own Earth with comment that “their stories aren’t done yet.” Doom is also sent back with his scarred face restored. 

The cancellation of the Fantastic Four at this point heralds the first time Marvel had been without a Fantastic Four book on the shelves since 1961. We know – partially because it was painfully obvious, and partially because Jonathan Hickman spilled the beans – that the Fantastic Four comics were cancelled because of a film rights dispute; aka, Marvel Studios and Disney didn’t have the film rights, and Ike Perlmutter threw a fit about it. Instead of doing their best to put out a good book that would draw in comics audiences, Marvel instead cancelled Fantastic Four, citing low readership. Marvel has denied this, but the truth is pretty obvious, especially with how the Fantastic Four’s return to comics just so happened to coincide exactly with when it became extremely clear that the Disney-Fox merger was going through. So right from the start we had this very inorganic reason as to why the Fantastic Four were hung up. Reed, Sue, and the kids were retired out of universe under the excuse that they were rebuilding the multiverse – which, to be fair, does work as a pretty good excuse. Johnny and Ben, on the hand, were kept in-universe and distributed to other properties, probably because of Ben – who, let’s be honest, is the most popular of the Fantastic Four and the moneymaker here – and because it made more sense to keep Johnny and Ben than just Ben. 

Immediately post-Secret Wars, there was an eight month (iirc) timeskip in the main Marvel universe, meaning that books that picked up after the events of Secret Wars picked up significantly after it; we see very little of the Secret Wars fallout. Here’s what we do know concerning the Fantastic Four: Reed, Sue, and the kids were largely believed to be dead, although Johnny in particular initially refused to believe that. Sometime during this timeskip, Johnny and Ben had some kind of fight. We don’t know what it was about. Honestly, at this point, we’re unlikely to ever know what it was about. Whatever it was, it was bad enough that Ben and Johnny severed all communication and Ben left the planet to join the Guardians of the Galaxy. What followed was the longest separation between Ben and Johnny that we’ve ever seen in canon. Johnny and Ben are famous for squabbling, but their fights rarely last longer than a few days at most; they’re extremely close, to the point that when Ben was presumed dead, Johnny’s coping mechanism mirrored Ben’s long time love and current wife Alicia’s. This post-Secret Wars separation between them lasted longer than when Ben thought Johnny had gotten together with said longtime love Alicia (it was a Skrull in disguise, but nobody would know that for like 80 issues). This separation between them is completely unprecedented, and like I said, we have no idea what caused it.

This scene from Infamous Iron Man #9 is the closest I’ve gotten to determining a root of the fight – note Johnny says “my family”, all handily bolded for emphasis. Not “our family”, “my family.” Ben is the only member of the Fantastic Four not related by either marriage or blood to any of the others, which has been a very occasional sore spot in the past. But even this scene doesn’t quite make sense – it’s hard to imagine Ben and Johnny having a months long separation over this alone, and to make matters more confusing, before Infamous Iron Man #9, Johnny had tried to get in contact with Ben only to be rebuffed. In Infamous Iron Man #9, Ben gets in contact with Johnny only for Johnny to practically run away from him. Already the new dynamic here feels like it needed more attention in the narrative than it actually got.

I think part of the problem with this whole return of the Fantastic Four storyline – the actual return especially, but even the lead-up – is that it was never established what was keeping Reed and Sue from coming back. On top of that, if they had the power to send Johnny and Ben back, why weren’t they able to send them back with some sort of memory or guarantee that Reed, Sue, and the kids were okay? It would have been very easy to say “well, a supervillain did it!” You know, the easiest comic book plot excuse of all time. But they didn’t do that. And that creates a problem when it’s a well-established fact that Johnny in particular tends to fall into a deep depression and displays signs of self-harm when the team isn’t together. (Fantastic Four #191-193, Robinson’s Fantastic Four run, Ben’s death in Waid’s run.) Which is exactly what happened this time, too, both during the timeskip and in the lead-up to Marvel Two-In-One (2017). 

Marvel Two-In-One (2017) was essentially the test run for the return of the Fantastic Four. The original Two-In-One was to Ben Grimm what Marvel Team Up was to Peter Parker: essentially a team up book that revolved around one character. So it made sense to relaunch it starring Ben and Johnny. In Two-In-One, Ben discovers Johnny at the end of his rope, pulling life-threatening stunts in his grief and depression, and, willed a multidimensional travel device by Reed, decides to – to the best of his knowledge at the time – lie to Johnny and say that Reed and Sue might still be alive. Learning that they’re both losing their powers and will continue to do so unless they’re reunited with Reed and Sue, as their powers depend on the four of them being in the same universe (an interesting concept, though not one we’ve seen before), Ben and Johnny set off, with a worryingly helpful Doctor Doom on their heels, on a multiversal roadtrip to find their family – one Ben thinks will fail from the start because, as far as he knows, Reed and Sue are dead. It’s a really good concept, and a great concept that starts to fall apart as soon as the notion that Reed and Sue aren’t dead starts to float to the surface. In Two-In-One #9, stranded powerless with Ben in the desert in another universe and facing death, Sue appears to Johnny.

(Marvel Two-In-One #10) This brief contact is apparently enough to reignite Ben and Johnny’s powers to full strength. Sue says that her and Reed’s powers were gone, which does seem to track with the plot – except Johnny and Ben lost their powers over a prolonged period of time, not all at once. If Reed had realized he and Sue were losing their powers, he should have come to that conclusion far before this point in time. You can say the times don’t add up because different universes (which the “you haven’t met the Zaklons yet” line would seem to imply), but with no explanation about how Sue was able to contact Johnny – however briefly – at this point, it does make it seem like Reed and Sue could’ve made contact with Ben and Johnny at any point… and simply chose, for whatever reason, not to. Which is, ultimately, the story Two-In-One goes with. 

(Marvel Two-In-One #11) In the very next issue, Reed’s reasoning for why they didn’t take Ben and Johnny with them is that… they would’ve been bored by the science aspect of it all. Which is, I’m going to go ahead say, very out of character and not in the spirit of the Fantastic Four. They’re explorers, and they explore together. This seems like a weirdly brusque excuse to write off the absence so they can get back to the status quo as quickly as possible, using Reed’s science-obsessed image to make him the fall guy. Additionally, in this issue (which I have to say, I overall like – I wrote a whole Doom/Reed fic based off of it), Reed also offers another reason why the world had to believe he and Sue were dead:

In Marvel Two-In-One #11, Reed and Ben visit an alternate universe Doom who exists in a universe where his own Reed is dead. This Doom is a pretty okay dude at the moment – in fact, he and Reed had become, through Reed’s private multiversal travel, close friends. Using this (pretty flawed) logic of “Reed dead = Doom good??”, Reed deduced that if his own Doom thought Reed was dead, he… too would be good? Look, I don’t hate this. I’m a big Doom/Reed fan and the whole thing is pretty shippy and it also depends on Reed having an enormous attachment to Doom and an enormous desire for his own Doom to be like this other Doom, who is his friend. But as far as “why did Reed and Sue stay away as long as they did” explanations go, “Reed was kind of bonkers in love with Doom” is not the direction I expected things to go. Besides, it doesn’t really work, and it doesn’t really work for one big reason: Fantastic Four (2018) #1, the actual return of the Fantastic Four, was published before this, and Fantastic Four (2018) #1 implies a hugely different story.

Fantastic Four (2018) #1 sees Johnny and Ben returned to their home universe after the events of Marvel Two-In-One #10. The reader has no idea how they got there or what they’ve been doing since they got back, or even how long it’s been since they’ve been back. Despite the Sue sighting, at the very end of the issue, Johnny becomes convinced all over again that Reed and Sue are dead, up until… 

(Fantastic Four v6 #1) The staging here is important – Reed and Sue’s battle-ripped uniforms, and the cryptic lines between them, like Sue’s “what you plan to do… seems impossible.” This is compounded by dialogue between Franklin and Val in the next Fantastic Four issue:

“You think you can boost that signal enough… to reach Earth?” “Home? I’m good, but there’s no way I’m that good.” This would definitely seem to imply that, for some reason, Reed, Sue, and the kids can’t contact their home universe, or Ben and Johnny at all. I’m admittedly biased in favor of this version: the more time went by without Reed and Sue contacting Johnny and Ben and leaving them on their own, the more obvious it became that this was the best solution, to create some comic book reason why Reed and Sue simply couldn’t return home. But Fantastic Four (2018) #3 and #4 never really explore this more, and the subject gets dropped altogether, which makes for a very unsatisfying read. The Fantastic Four simply return home together and, some frankly too quickly brushed off anger and resentment from Johnny in Marvel Two-in-One’s closing issue aside, this gets swept under the rug in favor of the Fantastic Four just being back now! Hurrah! Pay no attention to the film rights hungry Mouse behind the curtain! 

If I wanted to, I could make the explanations presented in Fantastic Four (2018) and Marvel Two-in-One (2017) mesh – Reed has massive guilt issues stemming back to the accident that granted the Fantastic Four his powers. He has a bad habit of taking responsibility that isn’t necessarily his, and of not being 100% truthful in situations because he feels it’s for the best for everyone. (The massive amount of time he takes to reveal his powers are failing during Fraction’s Fantastic Four run, or in the two instances during Waid’s run where Reed uses cruel words to distract both Ben and Sue from his plans to sacrifice himself for them.) Reed might have chosen to take the blame on himself – come up with a story he knows will anger Ben, say that he thought he and Johnny would have been bored, because he felt it was somehow easier than admitting that he and Sue found themselves in some kind of situation where they simply couldn’t get back, and couldn’t contact Ben or Johnny. It’s a way of taking 100% of the blame on himself, which would be a very Reed thing to do. But that would be me doing the book’s work for it; this is absolutely not established within the actual canon as of the time of my writing this.

Honestly, I don’t think we’re likely to see this explored more any time imminently – the Fantastic Four were banished from the stands because of film rights. They came back because for three years dedicated fans asked where the Fantastic Four were, yes, but also because of those same film rights. Now that they’re back, there seems to be this huge rush to pretend it never happened: the Four are back together, and that’s that. It’s very unsatisfying, but it’s clear Marvel cared more about pushing the Fantastic Four back together as quickly as possible than writing a coherent, satisfying story that put together all the pieces of their in-universe disappearance.

[zukos-tsungi-horn]

Souvenirs We Never Lose

Chapter 1: the moment passed me by (1 | to be continued) (Read on AO3 | FFN)

Summary:  The past is never far. Zuko remembers what Katara said about the spirit water. Now there's a second scar to heal, and Katara's feelings are more complicated—but if he wants to erase the past, she's willing to give it a try. She owes him that much, and more. Zutara

Notes:  First Zutara (and atla in general) fic!  I saw @hanszimmr‘s post at like 1am one night and my brain demanded I write this immediately (post is a bit of a spoiler for this chapter though be warned if you click).  A gazillion thanks to @lexosaurus for betaing this I legit can’t thank you enough, you’re amazing my dude! This fic takes place post-canon but is slightly au to the finale, but what ways it’s au will become clear in this chapter. In other notes, the title and chapter headings are from the song “Name” by the Goo Goo Dolls.  Enjoy!

XXX

~Even though the moment passed me by, I still can’t turn away~

“Feeling nostalgic?”  Katara grinned out the corner of her mouth, strolling up to the prow of the ship.  

Zuko’s head twitched just enough to show that he’d heard, but he remained leaning against the railing, staring at the horizon as they cut through the frozen sea.  Despite the no-longer-familiar cold that sunk into her bones as they travelled farther north, he looked as comfortable as ever – well, as comfortable as he could be in those bulky Fire Lord robes.  She didn’t miss how he tugged at his collar when he thought no one was looking.

“No,” he replied without looking up from the water.  

She gazed at the ocean too, following the waves as they rolled away from the ship’s metal sides in mesmerizing patterns. White foam mixed with the stormy cobalt water to create a palette of swirling blues.  Mist sprayed up and tickled her face when she leaned closer, a comforting sensation that she hadn’t gotten while travelling on Appa.

“The last time I was here I almost died, remember?”  He said, managing to make it sound like any ordinary fact.  Koala sheep ate grass.  Water froze when it got cold.  Zuko almost died.

Phantom lightning flashed against the back of her eyelids when she squeezed them shut.  The North Pole wasn’t the closest he’d come to dying. Not by a long shot. His hand hovered just below his chest over the hidden scar, as if he was recalling the same memory.

Well, soon he’d be able to forget a little more easily.  

“You’ve almost died a lot of times.  I wasn’t sure this one was that memorable.”  She forced a joke, hoping to distract him from the melancholy he’d settled into.  He’d been so quiet this entire trip… alright, he was the quietest of her friends anyway. But lately he’d had that scrunched look permanently plastered on his face.  Normally that expression only surfaced when he was puzzling through something particularly difficult, like when he’d tried to get Aang to focus on learning firebending, or when they’d devised their plan to face Azula.

Maybe his mood wasn’t over anything that big this time. It could be because this was his first time out of the Fire Nation since his coronation four months ago.  But with his uncle taking care of everything back home, she’d thought Zuko might be able to relax.  Or, well, whatever the Zuko version of relaxing was, since he’d never quite known how to handle a break.

Not that this trip was a break, technically.  They were meeting to discuss opening trade with the Northern Water Tribe, which might not be his idea of a fun vacation.  But he’d complained enough about sleazy politicians trying to sway him back home that Katara thought he’d appreciate the blunt nature of the Northern Tribe.

Ignoring all of the official reasons for the trip, she knew at least one thing that he was looking forward to.  Even though his suggestion had cut her inside, she would help.  She owed him that much.

She owed him more than that.  Even if he wanted to forget, she didn’t.

“I don’t think I could forget almost being crushed by the ocean spirit.  Or nearly freezing.  Or…”

He finally met her eyes, his lips tweaking into a smirk.  She met it with a relieved grin of her own.

“Or what?”  She snarked back, leaning against the railing too.  After all, it wasn’t like she had anything to worry from falling overboard.

“Or you kicking my butt,” he admitted.  Her face warmed.

“I hope you’re not expecting an apology.  You were a real jerk back then.” The words came out before she thought them through.  Spirits, he was her friend; even if she’d been feeling conflicted about the purpose of this trip, there was no reason to snap at him.

He winced and then shrugged.  “I’ll give you that.”

Her stupid mouth—she could be as bad as Sokka sometimes.  She’d come over to figure out what was wrong, not make him feel worse.

“You’ve changed so much since then,” she said.

Just on the horizon, the icy architecture of the North Pole caught her eye.  The early winter sunset set the whole place aflame; the white snow of the buildings bled to ethereal reds, oranges, and pinks.  She held in a gasp at the sight, but Zuko looked like he barely noticed.

“Everything’s changed,” he said quietly, his chin dropping to rest on his hands folded over the rail.  “I just wonder if they’ll see that.”

“They will.  You paid to have the whole tribe rebuilt!  And technically it was the ocean spirit that wrecked it more than the Fire Nation.  You’ve already gone above and beyond what you had to.”

He closed his eyes and sighed.  “It just… it feels like it still won’t be enough.  My country spent one hundred years at war.  Hurting innocent people.  And now here I come, asking for a personal favor…”

His gloves stretched tightly over his knuckles as he gripped the rail.

“This was stupid.  This whole idea was…”

She placed her hand over his.

“It was a good idea,” she insisted, despite her own personal, selfish objections.  This wasn’t about her.  It was his body, his scars, his choice what to do with them.  “You had to come here for the delegation meeting anyway, and Yugoda will listen to me. I’m sure of it.”

Well, maybe sure wasn’t the right word, but she was confident.  She’d done more impossible things before.

“I didn’t have to come.”  He wiped his face with one hand.  Steam puffed up as the frost melted from his glove.  “I could’ve sent the ambassador.”

“Well, I’m glad you came anyway.  I’d much rather be sailing for a week with one of my friends than with some stuffy old ambassador.”

He gave another shadow of a smile.  Spirits, she’d missed those, though she hadn’t realized just how much until she finally saw him again.  

“I’m glad I could convince you to come for a couple weeks.  I couldn’t do this without you.”

It wasn’t flattery, and his matter-of-fact voice showed it.  He really couldn’t do this without her.  She was the only one Yugada would trust with the water from the Spirit Oasis.

She was the only one he would trust to erase the two blistering marks on his skin.  One, seared there by his own father, he’d finally told her.  And the other, the jagged star below his chest, from when he’d—when he’d—

After months of practice she could keep the memory from completely drowning her, but it still came in fragmented snapshots.  The blinding blue flash. His terrified shout. The paralysis that froze her without a single spark touching her skin–

Because he’d been there to take it for her.  She could have lost him forever, because she’d been stupid enough to look out from behind that pillar.  Because he’d been… been everything enough to try to save her.

To almost die for her.

That had… put a lot of things into perspective.

But not quickly enough.  Maybe if she’d sorted through those feelings before Mai had come back…

No, she wasn’t going down that path again.  Zuko was happy, and alive, and that was all she wanted.

Without warning, she felt a hand shaking her shoulder. She looked up to find Zuko staring at her in wide-eyed concern.  He was closer than she remembered; she shut down the sudden urge to touch the scar under his chest, just to make sure he was still okay.  

“Katara?  Can waterbenders get seasick?”

“I’m not seasick,” she grumbled, brushing him off in embarrassment.  There was no way he could tell what she was thinking, but that didn’t stop her from feeling like his golden eyes would see straight through her.

And see what, exactly?  We’re friends. Which was exactly why she needed to get those traitorous feelings under control.  She wasn’t going to make things awkward, not like Aang had lately.

“Oh.  Err, sorry.”  He turned towards the water again, his face etched with that familiar Zuko flavor of awkwardness.  

Well, at least he didn’t look despondent anymore.  

“I hope I didn’t pull you away from anything too important.  Well, I mean you’re travelling with Aang, and he’s the Avatar, I guess everything you’re doing is important…”

She snorted.  “Are we remembering the same Aang?  He’s probably off riding giant koi or something.  Sokka’s visiting Suki in Kyoshi, but Toph’s sticking around for a little bit longer, so he won’t be by himself.”  

Aang might wish he was after a week of just the two of them, though.  She smiled at the thought of Toph teasing him, and of him shamelessly taking it until she got bored and gave up.  Hopefully that would be the worst of it. Katara didn’t know what she’d do if she came back and found that the two of them had conned an entire village again.

“You’re not worried about him at all?”  Zuko asked, sounding surprised.

“Should I be?”  She frowned, pushing aside her earlier thoughts.  She couldn’t watch over Aang and Toph forever.  This “vacation” would be good for the three of them.  

“No offense, but you’re the worrying type.  And Toph and Aang by themselves…”  He grimaced.

“Who’s the worried one now?”  She laughed.  “Don’t get me wrong, they’ll drive each other crazy.  And probably destroy a few things.  Maybe scam some people… Okay, so I might be worried.  But you’re not the only one who needed to get away for awhile.”

“Really?”  His eyebrow crinkled.

“Really!”  She braced her arms against the railing. “I might not be running a country, but keeping track of those two is probably as much work.”

“I won’t argue with that.  How are they doing?”

“They’re doing fine.” she said.

He must have noticed her undertone, because his eyes narrowed shrewdly.

“How are you doing?”

He’d asked the same thing at the start of the trip. But this time was different.  The first time had been an awkward icebreaker—he’d reverted back to some of his original shyness in the four months since they’d last seen each other—but this question was sincere.  Maybe this trip really could be like old times, when they’d learned to open up to each other more than she’d ever imagined.

Too late she realized that she’d relied on him more than she could ever admit.

“I’m…” Katara paused, letting out a mixture between a sigh and a laugh.  She hadn’t been asked how she was in so long, she almost didn’t know what to say.  The war was over; everyone just assumed she was happy—and she was, mostly.  There was just something, something…

“I miss Sokka,” she found herself blurting.  It wasn’t the main thing, the right thing, but it was what came out.  And it was true.  “I love Toph and Aang, I really do, but Sokka’s my brother.  He’s always been there for me.  I write him every week, but it’s not the same.”

“Oh,” he said a little awkwardly.  Of course, he wouldn’t understand. His sister was literally insane.  But for a brief second, she wondered if he’d ever missed his sister when he’d been in exile, despite how horrible she was to him.

“That must be rough,” he finally said.   “I’m sure he’s missing you too.”

“Pff, I doubt it,” Her eyes fell back to the waves.  “He’s having the time of his life designing machines and spending time with Suki.  He tells me all about it in his letters.”

“Maybe he just doesn’t want you to worry about him?”  Zuko suggested.  

“Maybe.”

“Have you told him you miss him?”

“Well—no,” she admitted.

He shrugged. “Maybe he thinks you’re having too much fun without him, too.”   

She hated to admit it, but he had a point.  She was so used to staying strong for all of them, she tended to only write the fun things they did in her letters.  Only allow Sokka to see that everything was okay.

“I could see that, I guess.  He doesn’t know how much–”  She bit her lip.

“What?”  Zuko asked, catching her eyes again.  She felt her face flush, and his brow furrowed.

“Are you really that embarrassed that you miss him?  Sokka’s a good brother.  I’d miss him if I were you too.  I mean, I already miss him, and he’s not—”

She covered her laugh with her hand as Zuko’s rambling became less coherent.  She hoped this didn’t happen to him too often, or else he’d have a hard time as Fire Lord.

“I’m not embarrassed about Sokka, I’m—okay, you have to promise not to laugh.”

“You’re worried about me laughing?”  He raised an eyebrow before putting on his most serious face, one that made her laugh.  

Okay, maybe she wouldn’t mind him laughing—only because she heard his laugh so rarely, and she couldn’t admit that she’d missed it.

“You know what I mean.”  She rolled her eyes.  “Anyway, ever since you and Sokka left, and it’s just been me and Aang and Toph… Aang’s been…”

She massaged her forehead, wishing she didn’t have to say it out loud.  Even more than missing Sokka, this was what had really been bothering her.  She’d never spoken of it aloud, even though Toph had clearly guessed by now.

“Aang’s been what?”  He asked, and for all his talk of her being a worrier, concern laced his voice.  Her face burned; did he really have no idea? Even though it had gotten worse recently, Aang had never exactly been subtle.

“He still… he has this…” She gestured her arms widely, uselessly through the air.  He stared at her, his head tilting slightly.  Spirits, she was just going to have to say it, wasn’t she?  

“He’s had a massive crush on me for who knows how long and it’s just getting really really awkward.”  It all came out in one breath.  His good eye widened, but before he could comment, she continued, “Somebody put it into his head that because he’s the Avatar and he beat the Fire Lord, he can have any girl he wants.  As if that’s how love works!  I swear, whatever idiot gave him that idea must never have spoken to a girl in his life!”

Her voice was rising, grating as harshly as the steel against the ice the ship began to cut through.  She was drawing stares from the crewmen on deck, but she almost couldn’t bring herself to care.  She was tempted to just glare back at them, as if asking, was it you?  Were you the idiot who told him that?  

“I told him I was confused before the comet, but I was just trying to let him down gently, since he had enough to deal with getting ready to fight Ozai.”  She dropped her voice but kept rambling, wanting to get it all out while she could.  “I should’ve just told him no then, then I wouldn’t be—I thought his crush would just go away if I ignored it long enough, but I—I just don’t want…”

There were too many thoughts, too many feelings, trapped in her head for too long.  They couldn’t all come out at once.  It wasn’t like her; normally even when she was angry, her words came out in a steady stream of righteous indignation.  But it was too hard to stay angry at Aang.  Maybe she wasn’t confused about how she felt about Aang, but she was confused about what to do about it.

“I don’t want to hurt him,” she finally muttered, still not daring to meet Zuko’s eyes.  “But if he keeps trying to woo me, or whatever he thinks he’s doing, I’m going to have to.  I think it’s the only way he’ll listen.”

She finally looked back to Zuko, wondering what he was thinking.  It had been a while since she’d dumped a rant like this on him, though it certainly wasn’t the first time.  He’d listened to her vent a number of times on Ember Island, on the nights he’d follow her into the kitchen to find her scrubbing dishes so hard they almost shattered.  She hadn’t taken that for granted, but after all these months without him, she wished she’d thanked him for that more.

His expression wasn’t anything like the calm commiseration he had back then, though.  He blinked at her like she’d been speaking a different language this entire time.

“Wait.” Zuko shook his head quickly.  “So you don’t like Aang… like that?”

“What?  Were you even listening?  No I don’t like him like that!”  She didn’t mean to snap, but she couldn’t believe he would think she’d actually… Well, at least it meant he hadn’t guessed her true feelings.  

“Of course I’ll always love him, but like, as another brother.  Anything else would just be weird, especially the way he’s being now.”  She crossed her arms, as if they could keep the rekindled frustration from fuming out of her like a hot geyser.  “Not that it stops him from trying. Or Toph from teasing me about it. I’m sure she’s just doing it since you and Sokka aren’t around anymore to joke with her, but it’s still the worst.”

“Sorry,” he said instinctively, his gaze dodging hers.  His hand hovered just below his chest again.

“It’s not your fault.” She felt a little bad for dumping that all on him.  He had more important things to worry about than Aang’s crush. Considering where his hand was brushing, his scar might even be hurting him again.  Her heart twinged, but there was nothing she could do for it now.  

Soon, though.  She was the reason he bore that scar; it was only fitting that she helped him be free of it.  That was what he wanted.

“It’s not like you could’ve stayed, anyway,” she added.  Hopefully none of her regret over that—or over anything else—bled through.  

“...Yeah.”  He frowned.  “I guess not.  Anyway, even if it’s not my fault, I’m sorry.  That sucks.”

Well, that was one way of putting it.  For as calm as his voice stayed, she caught the flicker of fire in his amber eye.  But before she could wonder what it meant, he turned back towards the interior of the ship.

“Sorry, Katara.  Just feeling kind of—seasick.  I’ll find you when we dock, okay?”

“Yeah.  Okay.”  She breathed as he strode away, the cape of his Fire Lord outfit billowing out behind him.  

The wind felt colder without him standing next to her.  

XXX

The candles in Zuko’s room erupted, threatening to ignite the ridiculous fancy drapes the crew had insisted on hanging in the otherwise bleak cabin.  He bit back his anger before any lasting damage could be done, but an acrid stench still lingered.  His nostrils flared as he paced the cabin, trying to control his breathing.  The candles flickered in time before settling back down.  His own emotions weren’t so easily tamed.

Aang had lied to him.  Aang, the Avatar—no, his friend—had lied to him.  

His bedroom door had creaked open.  

“Zuko?  Can I ask you something?”  The normally cheery voice was subdued, but Zuko didn’t process that yet.  He was too busy wondering if this night could get any worse.  Why couldn’t they just let him sleep this whole humiliating experience off?

“Nngh.  I’m trying to sleep, Aang.”  He rolled over, flipping the pillow over his head.

“Yeah, but…”  Aang trailed off.  Still standing in the doorway, a flickering fireball in his palm casting shadows across the room.  He obviously wasn’t going to be swayed easily.  Maybe answering his question would take less effort than sending him back to bed.

“Fine, I’m awake now anyway,” Zuko grumbled, but didn’t sit up.  “What do you want?”

Despite the gruffness of his voice, Aang took the invitation to sit on the edge of his bed.  Nngh, that light was so bright…

“It’s about the play,” Aang said quickly.  His voice was way too urgent for the middle of the night, especially if it was just about that horrible excuse for a play.

“Forget it,” he said, eyes still shut.  “It’s all fake anyway.”

It was an echo of Katara’s earlier reassurances, the ones she’d given to the whole group as they’d eaten a subdued dinner.  But really, if Katara hadn’t been able to comfort him before, what made Aang think Zuko could?

“But was it all fake?  Really?”

With a long-suffering sigh, Zuko finally caved and sat up, wiping crust out of his good eye.  

“Why are you asking me this now?”

Aang just stared at him, his face almost ominous with the flickering light held under his chin.

“What happened in the tunnels under Ba Sing Se?”

Zuko blinked.  Out of all the questions Aang could’ve asked, he picked that?  This wasn’t a conversation he wanted to be having in the middle of the night.  Or ever.

It’s none of your business, he wanted to say.  He’d done a lot of stupid things that day, but that moment… he couldn’t bring himself to regret letting her in, as much as he regretted everything after that.  She was the first person he’d allowed to touch his scar. He couldn’t help remembering how cold her fingers had felt.  But soft too – like ice water.  Fitting.

And her offer.  For all that the stupid play had made fun of her for it, Katara did know how to share hope.  The idea of the magic spirit water still lingered in the back of his mind.  He didn’t know how to bring it up again without saying, “Hey, Katara, remember that time in Ba Sing Se when you tried to help me and I totally stabbed you in the back?”  Even though she’d forgiven him, he couldn’t see that going well.

“Something did happen,” Aang muttered darkly, reading the wrong meaning into his distracted silence.  

“It was nothing,” the lie was dry in the back of his throat.  It wasn’t nothing, not to him, but it definitely wasn’t what the play had made it out to be.  As if Katara would ever see him like that.

That thought pricked at something in his core, but he chose to ignore it.  Nothing good would come from it, anyway.

“Look, Aang,” he said when the younger boy kept glaring.  “What do you think happened?  I was working with Azula.  You know Katara didn’t want anything to do with me.  Agni, I fought you guys right after that!”  

But he realized he was addressing the wrong problem.  “Why does it matter anyway?”

He had a sinking feeling he already knew the answer.  There was only one reason the boy would wake him up in the middle of the night for this.

“Katara’s my girl,” he said, the fire in his palm leaping up.  “And she said she’s confused right now.  I just wanted to make sure you’re not the one confusing her.”

Katara?  Confused?  But she was more sure of herself than anyone Zuko knew.

“Look, if anyone’s confused here, it’s me,” he snapped, rubbing the heel of his palm against his forehead.  “If I didn’t know better, I’d think you were threatening me.  In my own room.  While I’m trying to sleep.”

Aang had the decency to look a little abashed.  Good.  If things weren’t going well between him and Katara, it wasn’t Zuko’s fault.  As much as he sometimes wished it could be.

He immediately shut down that thought.  Agni, this is why you didn’t have conversations like this in the middle of the night!

“Can I go back to bed now?  Or is there something else you want to accuse me of?”  

He probably shouldn’t have released his frustration at Aang, but it worked.  

“Just… be sure to give her some space, okay?”  Aang said, sounding a little more like his usual self before he slunk back towards the door.

“Whatever,” he mumbled before flopping back on the bed.

So this day could get worse after all.

Aang had lied.  The play had been accurate in one respect, at least—Katara did see Aang as a brother.  Zuko snorted.  That would’ve been nice to know months ago, when…

When what?  When he’d actually had a chance?  He was kidding himself. He’d almost let himself go down that path right after the Agni Kai, when she’d brought him back from the brink of death.  Those memories were little more than a blur.  The only clear image he had from that time was her face hovering inches above his, her eyes glittering with tears, her lips parted in an endlessly repeated prayer.

“Stay with me.  Zuko please, stay with me…”

And that was probably just a wishful fever dream, anyway.  Even if she hadn’t been with Aang—if he’d known she wasn’t with Aang—he couldn’t have told her how he felt then.  What if she thought it was just trauma-induced delirium? Or worse, what if she said she liked him too, but only because she felt that she owed him for taking Azula’s lightning bolt?  That wouldn’t be fair to her at all.

That was months ago though.  Now you could.

The candles flickered again as he shut out that voice in the back of his head.  It was hardly like he could ask her out when she’d just complained about Aang’s unwelcome advances.  That would be insulting.  Besides, he was with Mai again.  For however long it would last this time…

He scratched at the scar on his chest through his robes. He wasn’t sure when scratching at the scar had become a habit.  Maybe if it hadn’t, he wouldn’t be in this mess now.

But he had to wonder how long Mai silently narrowed her eyes at that simple action before she’d spoken up about it.

“It’s a scar, Mai.  It’s not like I can get rid of it,” he grumbled, self consciously drawing his hand away from the one over his abdomen and brushing the one at his face.  “Believe me, if I could I would, but I... passed up that opportunity.”

Her eyes widened for a moment with unusual interest.  “But it’s possible.”

He turned so his scarred side was hidden from her.  “Maybe.  I don’t know.  I didn’t exactly give her the chance to try…”  Which was a good thing, he had to remind himself.  She’d needed the spirit water to save Aang.  Would he have been able to live with an unblemished face if it had meant the world burned?

Mai snorted.

“What?  There wasn’t time!  That was when—”

“Seriously, Zuko.  I didn’t ask for your excuses.”

He felt his old temper flaring up. “You never ask me about anything!  Do you really not want to know what happened at all?”

“Why does it matter?”  She asked flatly.

“Because—” He stopped himself. How could he explain it?  He knew in his heart that it did matter, that everything he’d been through had forged him into the person he was today.  But he couldn’t figure out how to put it into words.  Not now. And he really didn’t want to fight again.  He was so tired of fighting.

“Nevermind,” he muttered.  “Point is, my scars are just a part of me now.  You’ll just have to get used to them.”

“Hmm.  If you say so.”

But when she pulled him close to kiss him, he couldn’t help noticing her hands never danced near the scar in his core.

After that, he hadn’t been able to ignore it.  She glared every time he drew inward, holding a fist over his middle.  But the more he tried to hide it, the more his habit seemed to grow, as if he needed to protect that most vulnerable spot.

“Does it hurt?”  Mai finally asked.  

His eyes had widened in surprise at the concern.  “Not anymore.  She did a fantastic job.”  

He knew that was the wrong answer when her lip curled.

“Then why are you always touching it and making that face?”

“What face?  I don’t make a face!”  For a second he hoped she was going to mimic whatever face she’d made, just to show him.  But of course she wouldn’t break her mask for that.

“Whatever.  I’m going on a walk.”

“You don’t go on walks.” His brow furrowed.  He really didn’t know what she was talking about.  Did he make a face?

“And you don’t make faces.”  She shrugged, heading towards the edge of the courtyard before he could stop her.  But she paused at the edge of the columns.

“Her name.”

“What?”  His heart skipped.

“You don’t say it.  You assume I know who you’re talking about.”  It seemed clear that Mai had been thinking about this, but he didn’t understand why.  But her question was something he could grasp onto.  Maybe for once, he could find out what she was thinking.  That was, If she didn’t walk away first.

He stood and reached out, but couldn’t bring his feet to move towards her.  “What—”

“I do know who you’re talking about, Zuko.  But if there’s any girl who’s name should go without saying, it’s your girlfriend’s.  Right?”

“...Right,” he replied, a chill running through him at her sharp gaze.  Don’t ever break up with me again, she’d said.  This look seemed to say the same thing.  He was supposed to belong to her.

The scar he scratched over his middle said he belonged to someone else.  And suddenly it all made sense.

He was making that face.  Mai had been right.  He couldn’t keep going on like this.

Three sharp knocks on his door pulled him out of the thoughts.  His hand shot away from his scar as if Azula’s lightning still buzzed there.

He cleared his throat.  “Come in.”

The crewman cracked the door but didn’t take his invitation.  “Ship’s about to land, my Lord.”

Zuko sighed.  “Thanks.”

“Uhh, you’re welcome,” he replied before striding away.  The crew was still getting used to Zuko showing them basic human decency.  He didn’t even want to think about how they’d been treated under his father and Azula, not to mention his own past self.

Agni knew he had plenty to think about already.  

[typhon-science]

68. ("This isn’t what it looks like.") for... anything with North and Connor, if I had to pick anyone for that.

this is my first attempt at humor so like,,, proceed with caution fvgwakvfgwhkavk also it’s unbetaed except for grammarly saving my ass with some errors here and there. also no.2 i learned that prompts were supposed to be 100 words long which like,,, oops? here, have a healthy 4,1k heap of chaos instead. Enjoy.

@kianraidelcam asked to be tagged, so here you go!

68. "This isn't what it looks like."

North was just watching them. Just watching. Absolutely not breaking into their house and stealing their pets right from under their noses. No, sir.

In her defense, said illegal act hadn't been a part of her plans for that night at all.

She's just been spending her free time the usual way - which meant stalking small anti-android groups, a hobby that made her feel both productive and useful in a way none other hobbies did.

(Besides shooting things, which Markus disapproved of, as it apparently ruined the "aesthetic" of New Jericho to have gunshots going off at night. Clearly, even with his fashion sense, Markus had no sense for true aesthetic.)

The group she chose to observe that day called themselves the True Humanity. It was a really small group - nothing nearly comparable to the gangs that Cyberlife attracted to itself, or the terrorist groups that tried to snipe Markus every few months. Definitely not similar to the workings of the BIOR (Blood is only red) group, Detroit's biggest anti-android establishment that Markus was semi-forced to tolerate for the time being, even if their protesters swarmed Jericho 24/7.

True Humanity was not some masterminds' strategic plan to overthrow the android movement. Not even a boycott or a protest.

It just looked like a band of teenagers with nothing else to do.

She had been standing outside on the street, leaning against the wall, in front of their meeting point, a small, semi-collapsed shack of a house, when she overheard the conversation.

It was between two of the teenagers, the one leading the group and its member, smoking outside in front of the porch. North had been watching them for some time, choosing her place so that the shadows were in just the right position for it to be unlikely that they'd notice her.

They didn't really talk about anything interesting, spent 15 minutes bickering about sports alone.But just as she was losing patience and itching to go and see if there was something else happening in the house, she heard one of them curse and start in a different tone.

"Damn fucking bitch won't stop making more kittens. I swear, one more time and I'll shoot it, right between the eyes." He glanced towards the open door of the house.

The other followed his gaze, before taking a drag of the cigarette and asking, smoke flying off his tongue. "You still having trouble with the cat?"

"Yeah. Gonna drown the new ones today."

North system stuttered. They what?

"Why do you even keep that cat, dude. Can't you just...shoot it already or dump it on the street?"

The leader's answer was quiet. He stared into the ground, voice slightly pained. "It was my brother's."

"Oh," the other replied, shifted his weight from one foot to the other. "What...what exactly happened to him?"

The leader took a while to answer. "He...he was near Hart Plaza the day those plastic bastards decided they needed their freedom and vandalized the place."

North scoffed to herself but continued listening. It wasn't the worst she'd heard.

"He tried to run away, but the military mistook him for an android. He...didn't make it."

Oof. It never occurred to her, but really, how was the military supposed to know who was and wasn't a deviant? She didn't care at that time, either.

How many casualties were there? Nobody mentioned any at the meetings.

The leader took a breath and turned around when he received no reaction other than a mumbled "I'm sorry," from his accomplice, ending the conversation.

"You're right though, I should just shoot the cat. No reason for it to stay here, It'll be basically mercy." He nodded to himself, straightening up.

"Gonna shoot the kittens to while we're at it, I don't really feel like going to the river."

North's insides twisted in disgust.

She knew humans could be brutal to creatures that they considered below themselves; the acts against androids spoke for themselves just how far they'd go.

But kittens? Why would they drown kittens? There was a multitude of other things they could do that would not require such a brutal (and illegal) action. Hell, shelters still existed and all they needed was to wait until morning.

She didn't know much about pets, not many androids did, but from what she knew from Connor, humans were usually pretty fond of them. More than fond, in some cases. They were family members, even more than androids used to be (oh, how bitter she was about that.)

"You wanna help?" The other dude asked, absolutely unconcerned.

The leader shrugged. "If you want to."

North's spine went cold. Of course. Of course.

She should've guessed that people who saw no issue in gunning androids in the street would see no issue in shooting a helpless fucking kitten.

She watched as they retreated into the house, complaining about the lack of light. The absence of street lamps in the less funded parts of Detroit was actually something that went in her favor, now more than ever.

She was just supposed to watch. Connor allowed her to stalk them with only that one condition, and North initially saw no problem with it.

Now, she was on her own thin ice.

There was no reason to save that cat. None, really. A few lost kittens wouldn't make the world crash and burn.

But it nagged at her. G-ddamn empathy.

A door shut and the two teenagers came out again, a third member dragging behind. The leader carried a gun, an old rifle from the year 2027. Quite the punch, but without the reloading speed.She had to say it was a good gun when you're fighting androids in the streets.

The leader was explaining how the gun works to what she assumed was a new member. They were all completely caught up in their conversation, not paying attention to anything else.

She was so close. Given that she was an android, locating the cat and taking it away without being noticed would be a breeze. She'd just take it to the closest vet and-

Ah, yes. 2:34:27 AM. She'd take it to New Jericho then, just for the night.

Okay, okay. She could do it.

Only then she realized that she had really started planning.

I'm really doing this, huh?

Fuck Connor. She's saving a life today whether he likes it or not.

She sneaked around the fence, careful to evade detection. Thankfully, it was second nature to her from the minute she became deviant. At last, the days of constantly running and hiding like a coward were actually good for something.

As far as she was aware, True Humanity only had three members, but she'd never seen the newcomer before. Which brought the number to four and meant that one more person was inside, probably sleeping.

She assumed they were awake. Rather assume the worst and then later find out it was better than the other way around.

She went around the back of the house, finding all of the lights off. It wasn't a problem to her; one more advantage she had to herself was night-vision.

(Not all androids had it, but it was standard equipment for sexbots, of course, because how else were they supposed to find the dick in the dark? Echolocation?)

She took out her knife and opened the window to what seemed to be the kitchen and climbed inside, her night vision protocols automatically loading.

The place was a mess.

Did humans really live like this?

The first thing that hit her was the smell; burned food, mold and sweat, oppressing and stuck to every surface.

It was a sight to behold - trash everywhere, clothes and wrappers laying on the ground making her movement unnecessarily difficult and dirty dishes in the sink that she doubted were ever touched. Anti-android banners and posters covered the walls. The room was large; a kitchen connected to the living area; making her able to see the lights on the porch through the window on the other side of the room, above the couch repurposed as a bed.

She checked the couch for the fourth member while she made her way to the door. Wherever he was, it wasn't there.

She avoided stepping on the wrappers and moved over to the hall, adjusting her audio units and listening for any sign of a human presence.

She heard meowing instead.

It came from the other side of the hallway. She crouched at the door, hearing the conversation outside, and moved in the direction of the tiny sounds to the small space in the darkness in front of her.

She saw the cat's bright, reflective eyes staring back at her.

Half across the hallway, her units picked up other sounds, human breathing. It was coming from behind the wall, slowed down and deep; definitely from a sleeping person.

She knew the sound well enough; it was something that androids simulated quite well while in rest mode and she was awfully known for watching her friends sleep, paranoid and insomniac as she was.

The floorboards creaked softly, but she doubted human ears would pick that up.

The cat started hissing when she finally came close enough to touch and North realized that she actually had no idea how to handle a cat with kittens. Well, too late to stop now.

She recalled what Connor did when he wanted to pet a dog on the street and simulated the movement, curling her fingers and reaching out towards the cat.

It recoiled at first, but eventually leaned forward and sniffed her hand. Hissed again, this time quieter. Wary, not aggressive.

North finally noticed the kittens, four fluffy, breathing balls curled next to the cat. They were smaller than her own hand; their ears stuck to their heads and limbs short. She had only used to word three times in her life, but she had to say that it was, as humans said, really fucking cute.

Humans' ability to murder kept surprising her. Androids, their own, children, pets? They didn't care. They would murder everything if it got them what they wanted. Or even, if it just got rid of a problem for them.

(It had actually been what made her stop wanting to murder. Realizing that she could be better than them. After that realization, only then was she able to see what of an extraordinarily strong being Markus was. Murder was the easy way out; it took a lot of strength to avoid it.)

She reached, slowly and hesitantly, for one of the kittens, feeling tears in her eyes when she actually touched the tiny, warm body, felt the fast heartbeat and the weak breaths. How could anybody cut the lives of these creatures short? And even worse, how could they choose to?

She couldn't see the kitten's colors as her night-vision was nowhere as sophisticated as Connor's, but she knew they were beautiful. Tri-colored, by the way how some parts of them appeared darker.

She looked around for anything that she could carry the cats in, noticing a rectangular cardboard box lying on the side of the hallway. She reached for it, emptied it of the never-opened books, and laid it in front of her.

The cats watched her while she took off her jacket and placed it inside the box to create some cushioning.

Now, the hard part.

North didn't know how to handle cats. She never actually met one before, only knew how they looked and what they did, but the actual presence of one and the overall situation made her anxious.

She reached with a whispered "sorry" and lifted the animal with both of her hands, ignoring the way it scratched her synthetic skin in protest, causing drops of thirium to drip down her fingers.

The much easier transport of the kittens began as soon as she laid the cat down into the impromptu container. North hoped their meows, quite loud with the way her audio sensitivity was set on high, wouldn't alert any of the four members.

She was well aware the conversation outside stopped, but currently powerless to do anything about it.

The door opened while she was still holding the fifth kitten in midair. Her thirium pump jumped fair beyond parameters.

"What the fu-"

With the changed audio-sensitivity, the gunshot was loud enough to rattle her processor as a bullet went through her right shoulder. Warnings exploded in her vision, huge and assaulting, but all she cared about was finally closing the cardboard box and getting the fuck out.

The leader of the group stood in the light coming from the main door, gun aimed, his accomplices behind him.

"Oh, my g-d! And android!"

It was really time to go.

The door to the kitchen area was on the other side of the wall, the dude standing directly in front of it. Which left one option.

She picked up the box and broke into the other bedroom, almost falling as she stumbled into a mattress. The fourth member was there, waking up from his slumber, still obviously groggy and not exactly aware of what was going on.

She vaulted over him, trailing thirium behind her and broke the window to the outside, calibrating her leap with the safety of the cats and then jumping through.

The fall was rough for her, she could survive much more than a kitten could.

She picked herself up and started running in the direction she originally came from, knowing where the street allowed her to get to the roof.

Several gunshots rang off behind her, these only hitting the cement wall. Splinters rained down on the sidewalk.

"You fucking bitch-" the leader screamed at her, taking aim and missing again.

Excellent vocabulary there, mister.

She turned a corner and found the ladder, climbing to the roof of the abandoned apartment building.

She immediately set course to New Jericho, only then realizing that there was no way she could make it through the main door like this.

First, there were the protesters. Second, one of the leaders of Jericho just randomly showing up in the middle of the night covered in blue blood is prone to scare some of their own poor, poor people. Third, Markus was probably still awake and she was not nearly okay enough to hear whatever bullshit he'd have to say.

Her own room in New Jericho was inaccessible from the roof; she made that choice so that nobody could sneak up at her and try to kill her while in rest mode. Markus' room was the same case and even if it was accessible, she wouldn't even think of it.

Which left the one and only room which she could use. Connor's.

Connor got the ridiculously small room after everybody picked out their own, elaborating on his choice to wait and see by the claim that he wouldn't be in Jericho much anyway, which turned out to be true. North didn't know much about where he actually went or spend the nights at, but the only days he made sure he was in New Jericho were saturdays.

It was thursday. So, no Connor.

She stumbled several times while on her way to the building, her thirium pump skipping a beat each time. The cats had to make it. Had to.

She knew the thirium loss was making her partly delirious, but it was still concerning when time stopped working how it was supposed to, her awareness fading in and out as her processors tried to cope with the sudden losses of power.

But she made it in under 30 minutes. That was good.

Connor's window wasn't easy to open, the action much more difficult by her hands growing uncoordinated from the unsteady power flow, but she managed to pry it open and started climbing through, cradling the box to her chest with one hand and using the other to stabilize herself.Getting her leg through the frame without completely destroying Connor's special flowers was harder than all the other times she'd done this, but she made it eventually.

The sound of somebody clicking off a gun's safety went off.

She froze and stared into the dark, trying to find the source, while her processor struggled to give her prompts of what to say and produced one heap of utter garbage.

"This isn't what it looks like!"

Okay, North. That was definitely words.

What did it even look like? She was covered in blood, one leg in the room with the other still outside, clinging to a box full of cats like if her life depended on it and she just attempted to break into New Jericho through the room of its Security counselor of all people.

"North?!" Connor's voice. Fuck.

Only then her processor realized that yes, Connor mentioned that he's gonna be finishing some work on thursday. Damn.

The lights turned on. Connor was standing in front of the door, which was still ridiculously close to her; the room itself was more like a tiny pantry than anything that could be lived in, anyway.

His gun was already down, but she knew he had been aiming right at her head a few seconds before. His LED finally lighted up, going to yellow.

He was worried, she could tell, but she doubted she ever saw him so confused in the entire time she'd known him.

"What- did you get shot?!" There it was.

North tried to get her other leg through the window. "...a little."

"A little?!"

"Okay, actually a bit lot." Words, North. Words.

Connor rushed to help her, basically pulling her out of the window and helping her stand.

"There's blood fucking everywhere, North, what the-," he glanced over at the windowsill, "my plants!"

North honestly hadn't considered that she was still dripping thirium everywhere and that thirium was highly toxic. Ah well.

"My G-d," Connor turned to her, his gestures unusually expressive. "What the fuck is going on? North, what did you do?!"

She wasn't sure if her processor was that fucked up from the thirium loss but it sure was producing garbage instead of meaningful sentences.

"Cat. I stole... a cat," she held up the box, "uh, more like, five cats."

"What?!"

And that was the moment the cat decided to investigate the outside, pulling a black paw through a hole in the box and meowing loudly.

Connor stared at her, mouth slightly open, but he didn't say anything. Just stared as if in some kind of shock, his eyes darting from North to the cat and back to her. He didn't move. His eyes were still wide.

She shouldn't be proud of it, but Simon sure did owe her 10 dollars now that she was the one who made Connor bluescreen. Their ongoing bet was silly yet challenging, as Connor never fell speechless when he was supposed to react, always knew what to do next and what to say.

Until now, apparently.

She itched to do something, realizing that she had been staring right back at him and also hasn't moved, as if they were stuck in a staring contest unaware.

Connor moved first, shifted his weight, his expression not changing. "...okay." His voice was strained.

"Can I…?" She gestured at the box and then the desk, getting a nod in response.

She left him standing there and laid the box on the desk, sighing in relief when she found that all of the kittens survived. The cat immediately tied to jump out and North didn't blame it, given that the time it spent in the box wasn't exactly a relaxing experience.

North couldn't scan and even if she could, she wasn't sure if scanning animals for injuries would be available. She surveyed the net and tried to work with what she got, still coming up too short for her liking.

She hadn't even realized Connor moved to stand next to her until he leaned over, his LED went yellow, scanning. His calm facade was back.

"You will tell me how the fuck this happened, but for now, let's take care of these," he reached forward and let the cat, currently sitting on the table, sniff his hand. "You should be glad that I started taking veterinary courses."

North turned to him. "You what?"

"I'm pretty sure the message I conveyed was clear. Did the blood loss damage your auditory units?"

There was the Connor she knew. Cold, stone-faced, sarcastic bastard.

"Fuck you," she snapped back, getting a grin in response.

"They're all dehydrated and haven't been cared for for quite a while, but I don't see anything serious.” He straightened up, his expression going back to neutral. “They’ll stay here for the night. I can drive them to the nearest shelter tomorrow. The cat isn't chipped, so I think it should find a good home pretty fast."

She was surprised at herself when her mind recoiled at the thought. "No."

"What?"

"Mine," her voice was louder than she expected. "Mine now."

"Come again?" His eyebrows rose up.

"I'm keeping them."

"North, are you sure? Do you even know how to care for a cat?"

"No," she began, "but I almost died for them! I'm not giving them back to the humans!"

He thought it over. "North...why exactly did you steal them? I thought you went to investigate the True Humanity group."

"I did. And this was never my plan, but the dude said he was going to shoot them and I just...I just couldn't let him do it."

She saw the fire rise in Connor's eyes. She almost expected him to be shocked, but he was a detective after all; he saw what humans could do to each other, what they could do to androids.

And if there was something she knew that made the detective angry, it was the mistreatment of helpless animals.

"So," his voice was firm. He was, indeed, fucking mad. "They shot you? Because you broke into their house to save these?"

She nodded, looking back at the kittens. They were tri-colored, her search identifying the coloring as calico, except for one, which was fully black.

Her eyes with the mother cat’s and she noted their color  – copper-brown, whiskey at the edges.

Connor was rubbing his hands together, his LED yellow. "Don't worry about the law, I'll cover it for you."

She nodded again, trying not to show her relief. "Thanks."

"Do you have anything to do tomorrow? I'd rather get to the vet as soon as possible."

North crossed her hands. "When did you get the right to command me about this?" she teased.

Connor straightened and put his hands behind his back, a habit he still hasn't let go. "North, you don't know how to care for a cat and these will need more than what you can google. I want to help."

"Sure," she chuckled. "You're just a sap."

His expression dropped. He actually looked hurt as he stared on the ground.

"Fine! You're co-owning them."

His eyes lighted up instantly. It was pure excitement, which was also something she didn't see on him often.

"So, 6am tomorrow?" She asked.

He nodded. "I'm not letting you off the hook about breaking into the house of an anti-android group just yet, but this is way more important."

Connor reached for one of the kittens, petting it with extremely careful movements. "I'm going to order the supplies shortly, but I'll wait on your input if you have color preferences and such."

"Yeah," she said, opening a connection and sending the information.

She lifted her hand, intending to fix her hair, frowning when she noticed it was covered in blue. Ah, yes, bullet wound.

She looked down on the floor, relief washing over her when she noticed the thirium loss was much weaker as her self-repair systems kicked into gear. The floor had quite a lot of bloody footprints, though. Connor hadn't noticed yet. She should leave before he does.

"I...I think I'm gonna go get repairs now."

"You should be glad it didn't hit anything important," Connor said with a slight frown as he looked at her.

"I am."

She hesitated for a while. "Take care of them, okay? I'm gonna be back in an hour or two."

"Of course. "He replied with a nod and a smile.

She nodded back and gave the cats a last look before she turned and left through the door.

She noticed Markus incoming from the other side of the hallway, doing his typical waltz-walk. Their eyes met. If she won't leave now, he will notice.

Not today, sir.

Too many things happened. Too much new.

She turned in the other direction and sped up, hoping he wouldn't notice the blue footprints she was probably still leaving behind.

[dummy-draws]

Updated Linus reference sheet! 

(Written bio under the cut part)

GENERAL INFO: 

NAME: Linus  (Old name is impossible for humans to pronounce) GENDER: Male AGE: Unknown, but appears to be an adult SPECIES: An unknown species of humanoid aliens

APPEARANCE:

Linus has a deep purple skin all through out his body, except for his two tails, which are a lighter shade of purple. One tail is on his head and the other at the end of his spine like with many mammals. The bottom tail is very powerful and has bones in it, while the head tail doesn't. His head tail is able to split open from the tip.

He is missing one of his two arms, the left one being replaced with a robotic prosthetic arm with a built-in plasma cannon. He has four fingers on each hand and on his normal hand the fingers are pointy, but not sharp. His left arm can be detached from the rest of his body, which Linus does when he goes to sleep.

He wears a pair of Brown boots with lighter brown accents.

His eyes are bright blue and they can change their shape according to his expressions. He doesn't have ears or nose, but does have a mouth with light pink pointed teeth and a purple pointed tongue. He has small nose- and ear holes which cannot be seen.

COMBAT ABILITIES:

STRENGTHS:

Linus is very fast and agile, and is able to use his tails as extra limbs. His tail is very powerful, and he's able to cause the ground to shake with a strong enough slam. He has a built-in plasma cannon in his prosthetic arm, which can shoot a powerful plasma beam.

WEAKNESSES:

Linus's weak spot is his stomach, he'll get paralyzed for a moment if struck there. He's not a strategist, so he doesn't always have a great plan when he attacks. He can't see very well in the dark. If his arm is taken away he significantly more disadvantaged.

PERSONALITY:

In general Linus is an ok dude. He usually keeps his cool in most situations, but sometimes he can get very stubborn, and usually tries his best to reach his goals.

Linus can be rather harsh if he chooses to. He can give pretty snarky responses to others and generally is kind of talkative. He tries to be in good terms with everyone, but often that doesn't work out. If he doesn't like someone, he will try to avoid them at all costs. He's not the type of person to have fake friendships.

He's rather a rather proud person and can be a bit greedy at times. He also can be a jerk sometimes, but never towards his friends, who he wouldn't want to hurt in any way. He's very confident about himself and his abilities. He can get a bit cynical in some situations.

Despite his negative traits, Linus is very reliable. He never leaves a friend in trouble and may be even willing to give up his own safety for them if necessary. If someone dares to make fun of or hurt his friends, they will face his fury, as this is something that can make him very angry.

He is usually honest, sometimes even a bit too honest about his feeling and opinions towards others. He often doesn't think before talking, but he can keep a secret regardless. He usually acts happy and cool with everyone, but tends to have depressive periods now and then, when he becomes more quiet and easier to make upset or angry.

Linus likes action, but doesn't go out his way to search for it. If something happens, he's ready to get his hands dirty, as he is an excellent fighter. This make him a bit over confident at times, which can cost him in a fight with someone better than him. He isn't a sore loser, but will get embarrassed if he looses a battle.

THINGS HE LIKES:

The sound of rain, battle training, sweet foods, winning, proving others wrong, his boots

THINGS HE DISLIKES:

Spicy foods, hurting others by accident, thinking or talking about his past, people staring at him, government and authorities

BACKSTORY:

Linus was born and raised on a small, unknown planet somewhere in the Milky way galaxy. The planet was very similar to ours, capable of having life on it. One of the three dominant species on the planet was Linus's species, which were the most civilized one of the three as well. The creatures had advanced technologically far past of what we humans have at this point in time.

One day, Linus was walking home from the local store- like facility. Lately there had been uproars and protests against the government of the planet, which was rumored to plan a mass genocide of the population. The people was pretty much  split in two on ideals and opinions, some believed the rumors, some didn't at all. Things were getting very heated and everything was in danger to get out of control, and that day it escalated into more than just words. There was a protest group at an opening shouting at the passerbys, until suddenly the first fire of the civil war was opened by an opposing protest group. Linus, along with multiple other civilians was caught in between the crossfire and got hit by an explosion caused by one of the sides, causing him to fly off and hit his head, knocking him unconscious. When he came to, he was in a makeshift hospital in the sewer system of the city, made to assist any survivors of the attack as the nearest hospital- like facility got bombed down by the fighting sides. As he woke up he noticed his left arm missing and the remaining stub being wrapped in bandages. He was explained that he had lost his arm in the explosion... Later he was given a robotic prosthetic as a replacement.

Months passed and the population slowly shrunk due to the war that was going on, as people died either on the lines of the two fighting sides or in the crossfire. The government wouldn't do anything for some reason, perhaps they couldn't, perhaps they just... didn't want to do anything about it. Everyone who survived had to live underground to not get caught in the crossfire. Linus, along with some of his friends that had survived started to plan a way to escape the planet: One of them knew of an escape pod that had been developed at the planet's space research facility. With this rocket, they could escape the planet. They gathered a group and started to make their journey towards the facility. Along the way they lost a few of souls to explosions, but at last they made it to the facility. It being heavily guarded, they had to sneak their way in. They managed to sneak in and find the escape pod, but just as Linus stepped in to check it out, they were caught by guards. Having no time left, Linus's friends quickly closed the pod with Linus inside and send it off to space while they stayed behind to fight. Linus couldn't do anything as the small rocket launched into the air and flew off into the space. The technology being as advanced as it was, the rocket was extremely fast and managed to leave the planet in just minutes.

After a while of flying through the space and looking as his planet was only barely visible in the distance, Linus suddenly saw a big flash of light as the entire planet exploded in front of his eyes. The blast sent him flying even faster through the space, and he couldn't do anything but watch in horror as his home and everyone he loved got obliterated in front of his eyes.

After what seemed like days of grieving , he finally got himself together, not wanting to his friends' sacrifice go to waste and set his course to the closest planet that could bare life, which happened to be Earth.

Linus landed in the fields close to a small town. Weak and starving, he stumbled across a small cottage of a farmer, who despite being very surprised about the odd visitor, was pretty cool with letting him and offering him some food. Linus couldn't understand a word the farmer said and vice versa, but he understood that the farmer didn't really want to hurt him or anything. The farmer let Linus stay for a while, he lived alone and this would be an interesting experience. The farmer tried to teach Linus English, which he learned a couple of words. After a week or so Linus decided that it was time to leave, and the following night he sneaked out and ran off.

Linus lived in mostly forests for a good chunk of his life on Earth. One day as he wondered around he came across the small town he landed nearby. He decided to walk around and was confused to see staring at him. He didn't get it, and brushed it off, until police officers suddenly approached him. They asked him some questions, which Linus of course couldn't understand. They had thought that Linus was some guy in a costume, but since he was acting "suspiciously" They decided to as a couple of questions. Getting nervous, Linus suddenly ran off, which caused the policemen to chase him for a while, until Linus managed to lose them. Deciding that this wan't the best place for him he started to leave, until he heard a scream form somewhere. Running towards it, he witnessed store getting robbed and the robbers running off with the money. Linus understood what was going on and quickly ran after the robbers, quickly catching up with them and knocking them out with his tail. He went to return the money, but police was there waiting for him. They were going to arrest them, until witnesses told them what had happened. The policemen let Linus go for his quickly actions and he quickly returned the money to the store before leaving for the forest again.

Along the years he has learned to speak English almost perfectly, though he is still stumbling with some words. He adapted the name "Linus", since his old name was impossible to pronounce by humans. He has visited the same town many times now, most of the humans there just assume that he's some weird guy in a costume of something. Some know of his true nature, and have promised to stay quiet about it. Linus lately has decided to venture further, to visit some other towns or maybe even cities. Nowadays he just tries to live his life on this strange and sometimes hostile planet.

EXTRA INFO:

- Linus owns a silver locket with a carving of a strange symbol on it. He has carved it himself, and it appears to be a letter in his native language. It has something inside of it, but it is unknown what is in there.

- Linus's native language is impossible for humans to pronounce, and to our ears it sounds very weird.

- Linus takes his left arm off when going to sleep, because the art bothers him a little.

- He has PTSD caused by him losing his arm and that was worsened by witnessing his home getting destroyed.

- He's best buds with Tokko.

- Some expressions.

- His blood is pink/purple. 

[cheeseeatingtrashmonster]

Who Said That Every Wish Chapter 11: The Peacock’s Turtles

The new hero is revealed.

<< First | < Previous | Next (Coming Soon!) > Read on AO3 

"Felix, you stayed," Mrs. Lahiffe said with a smile as she came out of Nino's room a few hours later. She reached out a hand to his shoulder and watched him freeze under her touch. She patted his shoulder once and pulled away to sit on the other side of Chris, who was playing a different game on his phone, now with headphones.

"Is that okay?" Felix asked.

"Nino just woke up again and asked who was still here. If you want to talk to him for a few minutes, I'm sure he'd appreciate someone other than his mother fussing over him."

Felix stood and nodded. "Thank you."

"Be nice, Felix," Mrs. Lahiffe said with a smile a little too soft to be a smirk.

Felix nodded again and walked into the room.

"Hi," Felix said.

"Hi," Nino said, shifting to face Felix better, but not moving much beyond that. "So, uh, I get that you're probably really mad at me, but I have a couple questions that are really important."

"I'm indescribably mad at you," Felix said, standing close enough to reach out and touch the splinted arm next to him. But he didn't.

"I know. So the first question is, what happened to Hawkmoth?"

"You could turn on the news to learn that," Felix said, glancing away.

"Mom won't let me. She'll go into one of her crazy mom rages. No screens until the concussion is healed."

"Hawkmoth has been arrested."

Nino blinked at him for a few seconds. "Seriously?"

Felix nodded, taking another half step closer to the head of the bed.

"Okay, that makes my second question even more important. Where's Nathalie?"

/*****/

Chat Noir turned and ran at the other hero, backing her into a corner quickly. She didn't look particularly worried.

"How do you know who I am?"

"Lucky guess. I was pretty sure you weren't Felix tonight, but it's harder to tell from farther away. We should go somewhere and talk."

"Why would I go anywhere with you?"

"Because we'll attract a crowd here."

The Peacock was right. Already two or three people had found them and were watching from a distance. No cameras were aimed at them yet though.

"Come with me," she said, leaping to a nearby roof. Chat Noir followed automatically like he'd been taking her orders his whole life.

"What do I call you?" Chat Noir asked, running beside her up the side of an office building.

"Paon."

Chat nodded and dropped cross-legged on the roof, staring out over the city.

"You are so much like your mother," Paon said, sitting next to Chat Noir. "She had a similar fighting style to yours when she started. You have so much potential."

"What do you mean? My mother had a fighting style? You knew my mother?"

"Of course. Haven't you figured out who I am yet?"

/*****/

"What?" Felix asked. "Why Nathalie?"

"I broke the rules," Nino said, looking over at Wayzz. "One person does know I'm Carapace. Nathalie's been training me. That's why I picked up on all this hero stuff so fast. Though, Wayzz has been super helpful, too." He held up a fist a few inches from the bed and Wayzz flew over to fist bump him.

"What does Nathalie know about training a superhero?"

"Normally I wouldn't tell you, but we need her to make sure your father's miraculous doesn't end up in the wrong hands." Nino took a deep breath but it made him wince and put his good hand to his ribs. Felix felt helpless in the face of Nino's pain, but Nino waved a hand at the worried look on his face. "Nathalie was Paon. She worked with a Turtle Miraculous holder when they were our age. If anyone can get his miraculous away from him before he breaks out of custody and hurts innocent police officers along the way, it'd be her. She has years of experience on us. She can beat me in a fight even though she has no miraculous now. I called her yesterday before I went to face your father. I told her you had her miraculous. She'll need it."

Felix sat down in the chair set up next to Nino and stared at the control buttons on the side of the hospital bed, letting his mind spin. Nino tried to ask him a question, but he put a hand up to stop him.

"Nathalie, who gets bent out of shape when I want to schedule extra time at the ballet studio last minute, used to be a superhero?"

"Yeah, I didn't believe it at first either," Nino said. He was starting to look tired again.

"How did she even find out that you're Carapace?"

"I told her. Within a week of getting my miraculous, actually."

"What? Why?"

"She and I, ah, kinda talk a lot? Don't look at me like that, dude," Nino said. Felix wasn't sure what his reaction was, but he tried to make his expression more neutral. "It started after I was akumatized. She wanted to make sure I stayed friends with Adrien. We kinda... look out for him together. Then she wanted me to help look out for you, too, and I guess that's why I finally started being patient with you, trying to get why you act the way you do, instead of just getting mad. So, uh, I wanted her to know I had a new way to look out for you two. And then she's telling me she used to be Paon and offering to train me. You've had a former miraculous hero next to you this whole time. I wonder if she knew you were Chat Noir?"

/*****/

"I knew the moment Plagg showed up in Felix's room,” Paon said. “I knew when you decided to help carry that burden. I didn't know about your father, but looking back on it now, I can't believe I missed it. I was expecting someone younger, with less to live for than children and a successful company he loved. Maybe I didn't want to believe it."

"Nathalie?" Chat asked, eyes widening.

She nodded.

"But... you work with father every day! How could you not know?"

"His behavior became so erratic after your mother disappeared. I looked through my work logs and notes from the months before and after Hawkmoth appeared and I still can't see a change in pattern from before he had the miraculous to after. He was always disappearing at odd hours and returning annoyed. I looked over some dates that I knew there were akumas and dates I knew there weren't, and I still can't tell. He must have known who I was-" she looked down at her costume and shook her head, "-who I am, and covered his tracks appropriately. Felix took my miraculous from him, right?"

"Yeah, he said he found it in Father's safe."

"I should have known. At the time my miraculous was lost, I assumed he didn’t know who Paon was. Of course, your mother must have told him."

"How did mom know?"

"She was the previous Turtle Miraculous holder."

/*****/

"Nino, she took the miraculous," Felix said. "It must have been her. She hugged me last night, and I lost it sometime between showing it to Mari on the way here last night and when Adrien woke us up with the news of Hawkmoth’s capture."

"Since when are you and Marinette close enough that you call her Mari?"

"She's Ladybug."

Nino managed to stop himself from laughing outright, chuckling a little and trying not to move. "Of course. So, wow, Alya's gonna be happy to see Marinette and Adrien together. And your best friend was in your class all along."

Felix nodded, but his mind was back on the bigger picture. "So, if Nathalie was the mystery hero who took down Gabriel, she must have the Butterfly Miraculous already, right?"

/*****/

"Adrien, I need to give this to Ladybug," Paon said, holding out the winged purple jewel. "I would give it to you, but I can't be sure you wouldn't give it to your father out of some misplaced sense of family loyalty. Don't take that personally," she said quickly, putting a hand on his shoulder. "I wouldn't give it to Felix either if he was the one here."

"Ladybug is sick. Do you want to just take it to the Guardian?"

"Marinette then," Paon said. "I suspected it was her."

"I... that was sloppy of me."

"It was. But I can train you." Paon stood and held a hand out to Chat Noir. "Take me to the Guardian."

/*****/

"I got a text from Master Fu,” Felix said. "He wants me to stop by."

"Go ahead," Nino said. "I was about to kick you out to fall asleep again."

Felix nodded but stayed where he was.

"Generally, to get to Master Fu's and let me sleep, you'd have to leave, dude,” Nino said.

Felix stood and leaned over the side of the bed just a bit. "I'm still mad at you," Felix said, "but if I don't kiss you before I go, I might lose my mind."

Nino grinned. "C'mere," he said. Felix obliged, meeting him in a quick kiss.

"Thank you for not making last night our last kiss," Felix whispered, touching his forehead to Nino's.

Nino nodded, blinking heavy eyelids. "See you tomorrow?"

"See you tomorrow."

/*****/

Felix arrived at Master Fu's at the same time as Adrien and Nathalie.

"Nathalie. Or should I say, Paon? Did Master Fu text you as well?"

"I have the Butterfly," Nathalie said. "Adrien and I met a few minutes ago and came here. I feel it's necessary to warn you both that Master Fu probably doesn't want to see me. There was a... misunderstanding with my miraculous a while ago. I took the blame. So, I apologize if this meeting does not go well."

"I don't know why he wants to see me," Felix said.

"Let's find out," Adrien said. He stepped forward and knocked on the door.

"Come in," Master Fu said when he opened the door. "I have tea."

The four humans and two kwamis settled in for tea. Adrien kept sending anxious glances at everyone else, one at a time. Felix focused on watching Plagg and Duusu catch up. Nathalie and Master Fu had their own calm masks in place, but every now and then their gaze would flick to the other and then away quickly.

Adrien finally cracked. He turned to Master Fu. "So... did you know our father was Hawkmoth?"

"I did not," he said. “The Butterfly has the strongest magic protecting the identity of the holder. Nathalie has decades of experience with the difficulties of hiding the use of a miraculous, and she was closest to your father. Had she suspected him, I'm sure she would have somehow found me and stormed my door, demanding a miraculous to take him on."

"Most likely," Nathalie said.

"What I would like to know," Master Fu said. "Is where the Peacock was all this time?"

"I found it in Gabriel's safe," Felix said.

"Gabriel must have taken it from Emilie," Nathalie said.

“Emilie?” Felix asked, looking around at the unsurprised faces around him. “Mom?” Adrien nodded and gave Felix an ‘I’ll tell you after this’ look.

"I was asking Duusu," Master Fu said, not even looking at Nathalie. Felix wasn’t used to this colder side of him.

"They're right," Duusu said. "Nathalie and I parted ways when she said we did. I saw Emilie once, and a while after that, I sensed that I was locked in a metal box until Felix found me."

Master Fu sighed. "I owe you an apology, Nathalie. I'm sorry that I didn't believe you. Giving you the Peacock Miraculous was not a mistake. I hope that, if you want, you continue to use it. This generation of heroes is overdue for a mentor, and that's not something I can provide them."

"What do you think?" Nathalie asked Duusu.

"I wanted to stay longer when you gave me up the first time," she said, fluttering over to nuzzle Nathalie's cheek. Nathalie gave a little smile, and Felix wondered when the last time he'd seen her smile was.

"So, that is settled." Master Fu nodded and poured everyone more tea. "Now, as for the Black Cat."

"I know you never wanted me to have it," Adrien said. "You chose Felix. But we were able to do so much more together than either of us could have done alone."

"I was going to say, I'm sorry I didn't think of splitting the miraculous in the first place," Master Fu said. "Perhaps if I had done so before handing it off, Felix wouldn't have felt trapped for so long. I doubt there is anything I can do for it now, but may I see both Black Cat Miraculouses?"

Adrien slipped his ring off and set it on the table. Felix put his hand flat on the table. Master Fu put on his glasses and picked up first the silver ring, then Felix's hand, subjecting them to his critical eye.

"As I suspected, there is nothing I can do. But I have a feeling you won't be trapped for long, Felix."

"You don't happen to want to be more specific than that for Felix? Felix, who has worked faithfully and with no guidance for years from you. Felix, who didn't even know you until recently. You wouldn't happen to want to do that for him, would you?" Nathalie asked, her facade taking on an edge of ice.

"Felix will see shortly. There is nothing I can say that will change the outcome." Master Fu sipped his tea and smiled a little too politely.

"I see. Adrien, Felix, let's go. Good seeing you, Master Fu."

Nathalie shuffled them out the door and once they were in the car with the Gorilla (who somehow knew they were there) she let out a small sigh of irritation.

"I told you that he and I do not get along. I apologize for that."

"We have very different definitions of upsetting or inappropriate behavior, Nathalie," Adrien said with a small, teasing smile aimed out the window.

This chapter was almost titled "Nathalie's Turtles" but I decided the reveal was better in the text than the title ;)

[thnxrick]

❍ ─ hey dudes !! i feel pretty hype to be here. i’ve been rewatching gg for the past three weeks and pretty much neglecting my creative side/avoiding all of my writing friends. i was rping in another fandom on discord and i just started to lose inspo, y’know that flame was starting to blow out. on a whim i decided to check out the rp tag on tumblr again ( i haven’t rped on tumblr since 2016 btw ), and whaddya know, the second post i see is from a gossip girl rp. ─ could’ve been a coincidence, could’ve been a sign ?? idk. point is that i’m here !! and i’m really hoping to fall in love w/ writing again. 

ok, lemme introduce you to a boi i made up 48hrs ago.

A LITTLE MORE OOC

// so um, FUNNY STORY, when i joined i was planning to fill up a connection from another roleplayer here as their brother, but they were gone as soon as i was i accepted looooool. so now i lack a sibling and i took their last name. ah well, gotta make due with what you’ve got i guess. 

// that being the case, it sort of inspired me to make a VERY convoluted family tree for him. i’ll touch some bases, but i’ll probably make other posts getting more into it i suppose. 

// just to be clear, i’m going to keep it canon that he has a sister named olivia, i was straight up coming up with a lot of relationship HC’s before approaching the mun, and some where based around that character’s profession. i like what i came up with so i’m planning to keep it that way.

// let’s just say olivia isn’t on gossip girl’s radar. ─like a jenny humphrey from season one lmao. 

THE SKELETON 

.･:*:･ﾟ’ twenty one, cismale, roderick bordeaux was made in the upper east side and attended st. jude’s. he still resides in new york, and is currently a model who progressively grown weary of his profession. they are staying up til’ 4am laughing at memes, mischievous looks, suggestive stature, eccentric humor, silk tuxedos. onlookers say they resemble shawn mendes. ( al, 19, idc, cst. )

FROM THE BEGINNING 

roderick grew up with two older siblings and two very wealthy parents. 

his family is very popular in the social scene of manhattan, we’re talking generations on both sides of their family.

they’ve always kept up appearances and have made bountiful donations to noble and not so noble causes.

his father ( lawrence ) is exemplary businessman and his mother ( keighley ) is a retired actress who’s found her life as a socialite a “profession” on its own.  

his relationship with his parents had its moments of toxicity and neglect but overall he’s never been resentful towards them as he realized the privileged life they handed to him and his siblings. 

rick has always had a penchant for doing stupid things and getting away with it. he gets bored easily !!  but to be clear his intentions are usually positive. his parents barely know of his ventures, they’re not very interested in GG to keep up with it either. he is the youngest─ he gets off the hook a little easier than his siblings do. you bet your ass they envy that.

he’s always been academically inclined, but school was never really his priority. he spent most of his time at constance with his friends. he’s a social butterfly at heart, and he wasn’t one to stick to cliques. basically getting along with almost anyone. always open to making more connections with people. doesn’t mean he lacked his fair share of enemies. 

up until then he was unaware of any other type of life. party, fun, drama and the occasional responsibility. things took a bit of a turn after high school though.

BEFORE THE FALL

first of all, his ex-girlfriend’s-mother married into his family. holidays already came with the uncomfortable “greeting family you haven’t seen for months to years on end” how the hell are you supposed go about it─ “oh hey we’ve rubbed genitals together, we’ve hated each other for a while and now we’re cousins, want a turkey leg” ??

second, his father wanted college, roderick didn’t, but obliged after his father threatened to freeze his accounts.

for three years, he attended harvard, likely due to his parents connections i might add─ he almost claimed the title of a lit major, but in retribution for a new revelation about his parents, he quit.   

WHAT GG DOESN’T KNOW....YET

in his third year of college rick picked up a course in theater, dance and media, partially due to the crush he had on another student. during his attendance he met a classmate who he quickly befriended. one evening she invited him to her birthday party, and to say it changed his world would be an understatement.

after spending more time with her and her family, he felt strangely attached to them, he desired the type of relationship she had with her parents. and soon enough the universe offered him a truth that could make that a reality.

turns out his parents weren’t really his parents. rick was involved in a tangled plan filled with lies and deception. ─his close friend from college ?? was his sister.

this was a lot to take in for rick, he had an entire genealogy that he didn't know about, and they were seemingly everything he wanted in a family. of course this was conflicting. he loved the people he grew up with unconditionally, but his loyalty wavered the more the truth was uncovered.

A GENERATIONAL FEUD 

 his “parents” didn’t even want him, they were blackmailed by his biological grandmother ( thalia ) to keep him away from his biological parents. his grandmother disapproved of his biological father ( lloyd ) and wanted nothing to do with him or his family. 

her distaste was unwarranted however, completely biased. her issues were purely against his mother ( harlow ). they have toxic history together, and share a hatred for each other. so much so that they put aside their disagreements to work together. there was no way in hell harlow would share her surname and it’s perks with thalia’s offspring. and thalia wasn’t planning to have a familial tie with harlow.

harlow promised to take away lloyd’s life of luxury if he married rick’s mother ( rowan ). 

thalia called for some favors owed, and successfully managed to manipulate rowan and set her grandson up for “adoption”.

unfortunately for the high class devil’s their game only played out for a few months, lloyd and rowan loved each other too much to let go. the loss of a child and the loss of luxury wasn’t enough to keep them apart. 

they eloped against their parents wishes, and lost everything. by their early twenties, they were no longer royalty of manhattan, they were “nobody’s”. practically disowned. if it meant they cut ties with their sadistic families, it was fine by them.

rick’s biological parents searched for him, for years, they almost divorced as a ploy to get information from their parents, but it lead them to more questions than answers. it was eventually a mutual decision to end their search, the pain was too overwhelming to continue.

call it fate, who would’ve thought the search would end with academic career and their daughter. 

CURIOSITY KILLED THE CAT

understandably, rick was extremely upset with his “parents” and ultimately detached himself from them. 

he quit school, and disconnected himself from most of his friends for a while. it was necessary to go over his options alone. and soon enough he planned an intervention. in four months time, he planned to expose his parents in public at an uptown charity event honoring them. 

he told four of his closest friends about his strategy requesting for a helping hand, and they willingly accommodated him. 

all except for one. one of the four ratted him out before he could pull it off. and his “grandmother” ( genevieve ) was informed and immediately warned thalia and harlow of the proposition. 

they took matters into their own hands, and made things very personal. suddenly grandma genevieve wasn’t as sweet as she had been.

rick’s ex-girlfriend-now-cousin was instructed to seduce and drug him in his loft, if she failed to follow through, her mother would suffer the consequences. 

with much hesitation she compelled. and on an odd night out she convinced him to catch up, and eventually got him drunk enough to have him pass out on his couch. she called their grandmother right after and waited 10 to 15 minutes for a sign to leave. there were a few stern knocks on the door by two men in very posh tuxedos, she was conclusively excused by their entrance. 

THE SECRET GOSSIP GIRL KNOWS

his cousin-ex-lover left his loft around booty call hour. lacking a walk of shame... but stamped with a very guilty face.

off schedule─ his housekeeper arrived to his loft a bit earlier than usual, having much to do that day. her extended family was coming in from out of town for a familial celebration. and we all know how important family is, don’t we?

she suspected rick was working early as well, and went down the list of her duties. her first priority was his restroom, as he generally left wet towels on the ground after his morning showers. however the only elements she found were scattered pills and emptied bottles on his bathroom floor, along with rick... in a bathtub filled with water looking a little too pale.

with a disheveled 911 phone call, she preformed crucial CPR, and an ambulance shortly arrived─ rick was sent to the hospital to have his stomach pumped, and the bordeaux’s made a private entrance, feeling troubled with emotions of guilt and regret. 

in recovery rick denies the suicidal accusations but was sequentially sent to a rehabilitation center against his will. 

he spent his summer in connecticut, and his family lied to keep press away from their charity event. to what the public knows, rick pursued his modeling career further and traveled through europe for the summer. 

AT A CROSSROADS

all forms of communication were taken away from rick, and he spent most of his time at rehab trying to reach out by bribing his nurses.

one of his nurses fell into his bribe and let him make contact with his cousin. out of fear she confessed and delivered his SOS to their grandmother.

sooner or later, his grandma showed up─ grandma.. thalia. to most and to gossip girl? a stranger. 

she proposed a settlement with roderick, he was to forget about his biological family and continue mingling in his social circle as if nothing ever happened for exchange of his freedom and his family’s freedom.

he begrudgingly agreed to it, and flew back to new york with built up resentment and a thirst for retaliation.

he’s back home now, as if nothing ever happened. last he heard his biological family tried to invite him to their halloween feast. but no word after that.

as of now, his course of action is to figure out what “bestie” ratted him out. what did thalia, harlow or even genevieve have on them. and what could he do about it ??

if all attempts fail, we still have gossip girl.

LMAO MORE OOC

ok ok ok ok ok, ik it’s a lot of shit to read. i’m sorry but not really, i enjoyed myself waaaay too much to truly feel guilty about it. SO idk if you’ve noticed but, i took a lotta of inspiration from the show since i just finished the series again. ─i figured rick is a dumbass but he doesn't lack that much morality to do something awful without warrant. I’LL BE SHOOK IF YOU REALLY READ THROUGH ALL OF THIS BUT HEY IF YOU WANNA PLOT W/ ME PLEASE DO. i have a connections page that has to do with normal connections and it also has connections related to everything you’ve read here !!  feel free to im/dm me at anytime, or like this so ik you’re interested in plotting w/ me, i don’t mind hitting you up. OKAY, MUCH LOVE EVERYONE. 

[okayyeli]

oh, baby! | jjk (05)

pairing: reader x jjk genre: fluff, angst, humour, ceo au summary: a social media interactive au where a hypothetical situation sets you on a highly illegal quest to help out a friend. parts: one  ★  two  ★  three  ★  four  ★  five  ★  six  ★

jungkook is running late. 

His grip on the steering wheel tightens as he runs his free hand through his hair, tugging in frustration. The meeting had run longer than expected and he’d completely forgotten to confirm a couple of things with his secretary, so he found himself being dragged into a whirlpool of confirmations and emails, until finally, he’d managed to break free. 

And now he’s almost twenty minutes late. 

He mutters a few curses under his breath, foot coming down harshly on the pedal as his Tesla jerks forward, his little arrow on the GPS getting closer and closer to his destination, the Ruby Grill.

He’d been there hundreds of times, he loved that it was far away from the office and gave him some space to breathe and get work off of his mind, but today he’d been so frazzled he needed his GPS to make sure he didn’t lose his way and end up even later than he already was.

As he pulls into the parking space he’d reserved for himself, he works on adjusting his appearance, softening his hair down as he says, “Siri, text Miss Miller ‘I’m here’.”

“Send ‘I’m here’ to Miss Miller?” The assistant parrots back, to which he says, “Send.” He then loosens his tie, taking it off and unbuttoning his first three buttons, sighing in relief as he leans against his seat, dialing Jimin, who answers on the first ring. 

“Dude, what the actual fuck are you playing at? She’s been waiting for thirty minutes now!” 

“Technically it’s twenty five and counting.” He answers weakly, groaning as Jimin makes a sound of disapproval. “Just get your ass in here Jeon, before she passes out from anxiety.” 

“She’s anxious?” Jungkook disconnects his bluetooth and lifts his phone to his ear as he exits his car, locking it behind him as he makes his way towards the restaurant. Jimin sounds mildly concerned when he says, “Yeah, man, she’s been fidgeting non-stop. I think she’s taken like, four bathroom breaks now? She’s just downing a lot of water and glancing around. Three members of staff have shot her sympathetic looks too, by the way.” 

“Jesus, you don’t need to make me feel like utter shit, I get it.” The younger winces at the thought of you sitting alone, waiting in a restaurant he was sure is unfamiliar to you, giving the impression that you’d been stood up to members of staff. 

What a great first impression to make, he thinks dryly, I’ll be lucky if she’s still willing to talk. 

“Right, I see you, so I’m going to hang up and watch how this plays out. Good luck, my guy, if she ruins that pristine white shirt of yours you kind of deserve it and you shouldn’t sue. Okay, bye!” 

Before the younger can formulate a response, the older hangs up, leaving him to huff in annoyance. As he enters, he signs himself beside your name, tilting his head slightly. 

Now that he looks at it, it sounds really familiar. 

Really, really familiar. 

He frowns, staring at your name for a couple of seconds. Where does he know you from? A reporter who’d tried to sell a false story? No, that didn’t seem like it. An ex-girlfriend? Wasn’t it either, he’d have remembered you. Maybe the party? 

Ugh. 

“Sir, she’s sitting near the window over there.” The receptionist pulls him from his train of thought, gesturing towards where you were sat, chin resting atop your palm as you scrolled through something on your phone. 

Not too far away, but within good distance, sat Jimin, engrossed in his meal. His best friend had dressed rather casual, in a black shirt tucked into ripped jeans, none of his usual rings present but a simple watch adorning his wrist. 

Jungkook feels grossly overdressed in his office attire, but he shrugs it off, knowing he has no choice. He thanks the receptionist and makes his way over to where you were sat, simultaneously gaining Jimin’s attention in the process. The older man raises both his thumbs up at him, mouthing, don’t sue! which earns him an eye roll. 

As you look up, Jungkook says, “Miss Miller?” 

Your eyes widen, startled as you get to your feet to greet him, stepping out from your seat to give him a polite hug. He doesn’t get to hold you long, for you pull away rather quickly, but you smell really good. Some kind of mild perfume, but he likes it. 

“Mr. Jeon,” you smile, and he swears he’s seen you somewhere before, “it’s nice to finally meet you.” 

He gives you a sheepish smile in response, the two of you taking a seat opposite each other as he gives you a sincere apology. “I’m really, really sorry I’m late, it wasn’t my intention to keep you waiting. I had a meeting run over, and my forgetfulness caught up to me. I hope I haven't made a terrible first impression.” 

You seem to mull it over for a second. “It’s alright, I understand how work can get sometimes. The important thing is that you’re here, because I swear, if you’d taken another five minutes, the waitresses were going to pour me a drink.” You laugh and add, “And I’ve made it clear I can’t be drinking.” 

“Hm, why not? It’s Friday after all.” As you respond, telling him it’s important that you stay away from alcohol, he takes in your appearance, relief easing the tension in his shoulders as he realizes you’ve also come straight from work. Your hair is slicked back into a tight ponytail, simple studs and no hoops, the pop of colour being your lipstick—a shade of red touching maroon. He figures it was the most you could do to aid the rest of your attire—a silk, beige blouse tucked into a black pencil skirt. 

“So, shall we order?” He meets your eyes again, fighting back a frown as he says, “Sure, let’s do it.” It’s bothering him, he can’t figure out why you look and sound so familiar. If you were someone important to him, he’d surely have some recollection of you. But all he has is a nagging sixth sense with an overwhelming sense of familiarity, he knows you. He just can’t figure out from where or how. 

You have no idea why Jungkook keeps staring. 

As you read the items on the menu, trying to stop your blood pressure from rising at the prices, you fight the urge to shift under his gaze. You’re certain he won't remember you, it’s been eight years. You’d only been his friend for two years before his parents whisked him off to some top class school in British Columbia. 

There’s no way he can still remember you. He had no recollection of you, you were sure of it. 

Because if he did, you wouldn’t be here. You’d have no idea that he remembered nothing that night at the party, you wouldn’t even know he still kept his private Twitter account—the one he’d opened when he was twelve. 

And damn—he’s grown into his body. 

He still has the innocent doe eyes, but they’re a bit sharper around the corners now. He used to be shorter than you, a scrawny kid with a boisterous laugh and an adorable smile. 

There’s aspects of him there, the smile and the eyes, but for most of it, the Jungkook you knew has grown well. He’s not even close to being scrawny or short, if the way the shirt clung to his body was any indication. His posture is more confident now, a stance of power and presence, perfectly akin to one of a leader.

To one of an heir.

“You're staring, Miss Miller,” he gives you a teasing smile, “is there something on my face?”

“No, it’s just nice to see how much you’ve grown.” 

You instantly regret the words the second they leave your mouth. His eyebrows furrow as he says, “I’m sorry, come again?” As you sputter to respond, he leans forward, frown evident. “Wait, so I am right, we have met before!” 

Shit. 

SHIT!

“Uh,” you chuckle nervously, trying to decide if it was a good idea to tell him who you were or lie. “I really wasn’t that important—trust me, it was a long time ago too—” 

“Miss Miller, please tell me before the curiosity eats at me. How do we know each other?” His gaze is pleading, and you gulp, finding yourself unable to resist. You didn’t know if revealing your past friendship would affect your plan in anyway, but hey, the pro was, he’d be a little more comfortable around you. 

Especially since you were going to drop a huge bomb on him later anyway. 

“Um, well,” you pick your words carefully, “we knew each other in middle school. You might not remember, but we were twelve. You moved away when you were fourteen—” 

You’re interrupted by him gasping your name, eyes wide. He says it again. And again, and then one more time, a little loudly. And then he lets out a surprised laugh, hand finding yours on the table as he says, “Oh my fucking god.” 

“Yeah,” you answer slowly, hating that you don’t pull your hand away from his hold, “yeah it’s me.” 

Jungkook exhales sharply, still staring at you like he’d struck gold. “How long has it been, ten years? No, eight years! I can’t believe I didn’t recognize you!” A mischievous grin tugs at his lips as he says, “Ah, how could I have forgotten my life mate?” 

Still holding his hand, you lower your head with a groan. “No, stop, don’t bring that cringey shit up again.” He laughs gleefully, eyes bright with mirth. “I still genuinely can’t believe it’s you. You’re talking about me having grown? Look at you! Hey, I’m taller now!” 

“By an inch or two, you jerk!” You retort, fighting a smile as you glare at him. “I’m still older, you’re being so disrespectful.” 

Jungkook shakes his head at that, letting go of your hand as he does so. “You’re older by four months. Big deal. We’re still the same age, so it doesn’t count. Gah, no wonder your name sounded so familiar.” 

“Are you that happy to see me?” You tease, lifting your glass of water to your lips. 

“Well, of course, you were one of my closest friends. You were sincere and made sure I didn’t retreat into my shell for the two years Jimin and I were separated. When I moved and we lost contact, I was sure I’d never see you or hear from you again. I’m so, so glad I was wrong.” 

Your smile widens involuntarily, an old feeling of fondness rising as you take in Jungkook’s happy grin. The two of you had been inseparable. It was comforting to know he still regarded you with happiness. 

It hits you then, what you were about to do. 

To your childhood friend. 

It’s hard to keep your expression stable then, but you manage as Jungkook orders your food, keeping you engaged in conversation while you wait for it to arrive. He asks you about your job, where you went for uni and how you’re doing now. You tell him you took your love of science to a bachelor of science degree in psychology, and because you ran out of funds before you could start your masters, you graduated and became a media psychologist, working as an advertisement consultant for big companies. 

He smiles and nods at the right parts, looking extremely proud as you explain. When you finish, he says, “You always had a talent with people. I’m glad it took you places.” 

“Thank you,” you respond, flattered. “Enough about me, how’ve you been? How was British Columbia?” 

He shudders. “Dreadfully cold.” 

You laugh as he dives into it, your food arriving as he begins. You eat and learn about Jungkook’s life: after he graduated high school, he took a bachelor of business administration degree and although he was initially hesitant, he found himself enjoying it. He tells you it can get a little too technical and boring sometimes, but he never tired of pitching projects and diving into financial risks. He had the choice of pursuing his masters, but decided to intern at his own company instead, finding himself more eager to get a hands-on experience. 

He worked his way up from the bottom, and now he’s where he is, set to inherit the company—no, the empire his father had built—very soon.  

“There was a lot of blood, sweat and tears along the way, but I’m happy I’m here now. Though I suppose my brother’s taken a lot more, he’s graduating from law school in a year. And he couldn’t be more ready, poor guy.” 

“Yeah, well, from the minimal interactions I’ve had with your brother, I’m certain he’ll make a fantastic lawyer.” Jungkook hums in agreement, smiling. “I’m aware. I’m just glad we don’t have a bad relationship and aren’t fighting to inherit the company.” 

“Your brother made it very clear when he was eighteen that he wanted absolutely nothing to do with the company and wanted to venture out on his own.” 

“Hm, fair.” 

Once you’re done eating and your plates have been taken away, Jungkook seems to finally remember what he’s here for. “So, this isn’t exactly our first reunion, seeing as we met at the party. Can you tell me what happened?” 

You stiffen. “I’m—I don’t know how to tell you.” 

“Hey,” Jungkook gently takes your hand in his own once again, “you were my best friend through my emo phase. You can tell me anything.” You laugh at that, finding yourself involuntarily relaxing when he started rubbing soothing circles over your knuckles. 

“Well, I only got into the party because Johnny invited me.” He nods, saying, “I don’t really talk to him, but I get it, he’s pretty easy to befriend.” 

“Easier when drunk too,” you add with a nervous chuckle, “anyway, I was trying to get into this club and the bouncer was trying to charge me twenty dollars even though it’s ladies free before eleven—and I was there at ten fifty-two, thank you very much. It’s starting to get heated and I’m holding up this long line of people when Johnny passes by and he said something about a friend of his hosting a party nearby.” 

“Jaehyun.” Jungkook answers quickly. “It was Jaehyun. His parties are wild.” 

“Yeah I know,” you’re careful not to add any detail, “it was kind of intimidating, so I decided to get some drinks, because although Johnny promised he’d stick by me and introduce me to everyone, he pretty much bolted the second we entered.” 

The taller man looks amused, but says nothing. 

“Okay, so halfway through my process of getting tipsy, I ran into you. I’m not sure how much you had to drink, but you seemed pretty out of it as well. I think you tried to pull the whole ‘did you fall from heaven’ line too.” You pause, frowning for dramatic effect. “Didn’t work really well.” 

“Listen, I’m a lot smoother when I’m not in drowning in Absolut.” 

You force a grin, nodding your head disbelievingly. “I’m sure. Anyway, for whatever reason, you challenged me to a drinking game. If I won, you’d get me McDonald’s. If you won, you got my name.” 

The corners of Jungkook’s mouth twitch up into a smile that you know he’s trying to fight. He doesn't say anything, allowing you to continue. You hate that he’s so engaged and that the only reason he was engaged and buying all of this bullshit so far is because you’d spent hours going through his Twitter to find out his friends and gauge what his typical party behaviour was. 

“It’s a bit of a blur after that, considering how much alcohol we’d both consumed. I think it was a tie, ‘cause we called a truce and—” You pause abruptly, feeling the tips of your ears going red. Even if it never happened, you still felt embarrassed. 

Jungkook’s smile has faded, he’s now starting to look flustered. There’s a dust of pink on his cheeks as he says, “Oh w-we—we had—”

“—yeah,” you answer, coughing awkwardly, “yeah we did.” 

He’s fighting hard to get rid of the blush, but it isn’t working. His shoulders have dropped slightly as he runs a hand through his hair, laughter spilling out of his mouth as he says, “Well, that’s one hell of a reunion, hm?” 

You cough again, trying your best to force out a laugh. God, this is painfully awkward. “Yeah.”

“Is that all you know then?” 

Oh, boy, here we go. 

You can do this. 

Just spit it out!

Rip off the bandaid.

Weakly, you say, “No. T-there’s more.” 

His grip on your hand tightens slightly, seeming to sense the shift in mood. “It’s still me,” he’s giving you a tense smile, “you can tell me.” 

“I skipped that month,” you start slowly, voice barely audible over the clang of cutlery and dim chatter, “and at first, I dismissed it as stress, because it isn’t uncommon for me to skip. But I-I had this nagging feeling a-and I, I figured it wouldn’t hurt to confirm and—” 

His hold on your hand falls loose. His index finger trembles first, and you realize it’s your turn to comfort him. You place your palm atop his hand as you say, “It came out positive, Kook.” 

His breath falters.

“I’m pregnant.” 

[savemeteion]

1-116

THIS IS BASICALLY ALL OF THE QUESTIONS, BUT OKAY..

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? - I don’t think I have anything that I’m confused about right now tbh                                                                          

2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? - Mhmm, my gaaal.

3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? - Yeeeahhh.                                                                                              

4: Do you find it easy to trust others? - Not at first, no.                                                                                             

 5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? - Stressing over an assignment and then I was unable to turn it in at the end of it all :)) I’m still salty about it.                                                                                                

 6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? - Fal or Tiye.

7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? - Yikes, dude. Don’t let me think about that. I’d be a mess for a long time.                                                                                    

8: Are you close with your dad? - Very close, yes.                                                                                  

9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? - Nope.                                                                                   

10: What are you listening to? - The sound of my washing machine.

                                                                                                   11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? - Honestly, I wouldn’t mind drinking water for the rest of my life lol.

                                                                                                   12: Do you like hickeys? - I can’t say. I’ve never had one on me. Perhaps?

                                                                                                   13: What time do you go to bed? - Anywhere between 1 and 6am. I really need to change that and sleep earlier. I’ve been going to sleep anywhere between 4 and 6am for the past two weeks and it’s heckin’ me up.                                                                                                  

14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? - My mom, probably.                                                                                                  

15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? - God, no. It’s such a struggle with one hand.                                                                                                

16: Do you always answer your texts? - 90% of the time, yes.

                                                                                                   17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? - No way.                                                                                                 

18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends - A few minutes ago.

                                                                                                  19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? - YES, my girlfriend and my closest friends.                                                                                                  

20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? - I have no idea, but it was probably about Fal because I’m a sappy b i t c h.                                                                                                 

21: Is anyone else in the room with you? - Just me.

                                                                                                  22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? - I….don’t know?                                                                                                 

23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? - I would say that I’m happier now compared to a few months ago so.                                                                                                 

24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? - Nah.                                                                                                 

 25: In the past week, have you cried? - OH BUDDY, y e s.

                                                                                                   26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? - Uh..it’s beige and it has red and blue stripes.

                                                                                                   27: Do people ever call you by your last name? - No way, thank god                                                                                               

28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? - Nah.

                                                                                                  29: Do you have a best friend? - I have several.

                                                                                                   30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? - Saying it would be hard is an understatement.                                                                                                

31: Who was your last call/text message from? - My mom.                                                                                              

 32: Are you mad at anyone? - Nah, not really.                                                                                               

 33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? - Yes ;)                                                                                               

34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? - 23                                                                                                 

35: How many more days until your birthday? - Uh…it’s actually exactly a month from today, woah.

                                                                                                 36: Do you have any summer plans yet? - My original plan was to go to Cali, but I don’t think that’s happening so I’ll probably be working all summer :/                                                                                                  

37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? - Yeah, like…two or three.

                                                                                                   38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? - Nah.

                                                                                                   39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? - I don’t think so.                                                                                                  

40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? - NOPE, never.

                                                                                                   41: Do you think age matters in relationships? - Sort of?

                                                                                                   42: Are you available? - I am not.                                                                                             

43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? - Since it ended?..1                                                                                                

44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? - A nose piercing. I still want to get one at some point.                                                                                                

45: Do you believe exes can be friends? - Sure.                                                                                               

46: Do you regret anything? - Who doesn’t?                                                                                                

47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? - I have a lot on my mind. My classes, midterms, my gal, etc.                                                                                                

48: Did you ever lose a best friend? - Yes.                                                                                               

49: Was your last kiss a mistake? - NOPE                                                                                                 

50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? - We’re dating.                                                                                                

 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? - Seen me cry..I don’t think so. Heard me cry? Yes.                                                                                                 

52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? - YES.

                                                                                                  53: What was the last thing you ate? - I mean, I’m eating chicken nuggets & fries right now.

                                                                                                   54: Did you get any compliments today? - Nah.

                                                                                                   55: Where are you going on your next vacation? - Hopefully Cali.                                                                                                  

56: Do you own anything from other countries? - A have a bracelet from Greece that was given to me as a gift.                                                                                                

 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? - GIRLS.                                                                                                 

58: Where have you lived most of your life? - In South Florida 100%                                                                                                

59: When was the last time you took a long drive? - When I came back to school from my house aka: 3 ½ hours away

                                                                                                 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? - Yeah.                                                                                                  

61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? - Nope.                                                                                                

 62: Who do you text the most? - My girlfriend, definitely.                                                                                                 

63: What was the last movie you saw? - The Shape of Water. It was really good.

                                                                                                 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? - SHRUGGING EMOJI.                                                                                                 

65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?- None.                                                                                                

66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? - Nope, older by a year.                                                                                                 

67: Do you curse around your parents? - Nah, I restrain myself from cursing around them.

                                                                                                  68: Are you happy with where you live? - Yeah.                                                                                                  

69: Picture of yourself? - Check the “my face” tag on my tumblr page ;p                                                                                                 

70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? - I’m very monogamous.                                                                                                  

71: Have you ever been dumped? - Nah.

                                                                                                   72: What do you most like about making out? - Shit man, I love everything about it. I love how soft my girlfriend’s lips feel against mine jfa;fjs;a                                                                                      

73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? - Nah.                                                                                                 

74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? - Depends.                                                                                                 

75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? - I’m not sure. I like everything about a gal’s body but abs make me weak af.                                                                                                

76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? - Fal.

                                                                                                  77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?  - Nope.                                                                                                 

78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? - Nah.

                                                                                                 79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? - My girlfriend, all of the time

80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? - I don’t think so.

                                                                                                  81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? - Yes.                                                                                                  

82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? - Nah, I tell very few people.

                                                                                                  83: Do you miss your last sweetie? - Nah.                                                                                              

84: Last time you slow danced with someone? - Probably prom. It was so awkward because it was one my best guy friends.                                                                                                

85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? - Y..es?                                                                                                 

86: How can I win your heart? - Just be yourself around me. Extra points if you make me laugh.

                                                                                                87: What is your astrological sign? - Aries.                                                                                                 

88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM? - Homework.                                                                                                 

89: Do you cook? - I love cooking.                                                                                                

 90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? - Nope.                                                                                                

 91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? - Not single, bruh.

                                                                                                  92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? - Monogamoussss.

                                                                                                   93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? - I don’t really “look for” physical traits in people. If I find you attractive, then you’re attractive.

                                                                                                  94: Name four things that you wish you had! - More money, some chinese food, my girlfriend, and better skin.                                                                                                 

95: Are you a player? - Not in the slightest.                                                                                                  

96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? - Nah.

                                                                                                   97: Are you a tease? - I love teasing hahah ;)                                                                                                 

98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? - YES.                                                                                                

99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? - Yeah, currently am.                                                                                                 

100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? - My girlfriend, duuude.                                                                                                 

101: Hugs or Kisses? - Hugs.                                                                                                 

102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? - Not really.                                                                                                 

103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? - I don’t.                                                                                                

104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? - When my gal calls me babe, it’s adorable and makes me smile.                                                                                                  

105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? - No way.                                                                                                 

106: Do you flirt a lot? - I’m honestly not much of a flirt.                                                                                               

107: Your last kiss? - A few months ago.                                                                                                

108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? - Nah.                                                                                    

109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? - No.                                                                                                

110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? - Fallonnnn                                                                                                  

111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? - Fallon, duh.                                                                                                 

112: Does someone like you currently? - I SURE HOPE SO.                                                                                               

113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? - My gal. All day, every day.                                                                                                

114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? - Serious relationship.                                                                                                

115: Ever made out with just a friend? - Nah.                                                                                               

 116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? - In a relationship, for sure.

[roidespd-blog]

Chapter Thirty : MY OWN STORY

This is the end of our journey. I could have ended it with a one-two punch Stonewall-Pride extravaganza but I’m going with a more personal coda, if you’ll indulge me.

A BOY’S OWN STORY

I haven’t always known I was Queer. I guess there were signs — how I would prefer to play with my sister’s barbies than with my own construction toys. How I could be extra sensitive with benign day-to-day details or the fact that by the age of five, I knew “Pour que tu m’aimes encore” by Céline Dion by heart. “So Alex, you’re a faggot, right ?”. That’s what a schoolmate said to me during recess. I said “No”. I was 10. I didn’t know. How did he know if I didn’t know ? Is sensitive a synonym for gay, even when you’re too young to even have pubic hair ?

I started masturbated at the age of 12 and it didn’t took long before my thoughts were directed towards the male body. I ignored it and pretended it was just my mind wandering in unexpected and irrelevant places. I would do my dirty business with La Redoute catalogues, looking at the male models in underwear then switch to their female counterparts at the very end when I knew I was close. Same thing with my imagination. Penelope Cruz was my go-to fantasy beard. I was ashamed of my sexual orientation. Worst, I was ashamed of it before I could understand it. That’s the tricky part : society doesn’t teach you how to be Queer but sure makes you aware that it’s not the norm.

I didn’t know what gay was. In movies, homosexuality was always depicted through huge clichés, what I called in my articles the “Cage aux Folles” dogma. I couldn’t identify. Or maybe I rejected the notion very quickly and swore never to approach this level of absurdity. Internalized homophobia before you even understand what internalized homophobia is.

I fell in love with my first boy when I was 14 years old. He was 2 years older, not that handsome (back then) and so unattainable. I’ve known that dude my whole life. For a long time, I said to myself that one-sided love wasn’t love. I do not believe that anymore. Feeling are valid whether they’re reciprocated or not. Of the five men I fell in love with in my life, only one didn’t love me back (and another is still TBD). But he’s the man I loved the most. The pain that followed was real and undeniable.

I didn’t act on my feelings towards boys until college. In high school, I told myself I wasn’t gonna do anything with anyone until I knew for sure what I was (laugh). I turned down a couple of great girls, one became one of my closest friend in this world. There was one incident involving a girl faking drunkenness in order to inspire pity and having her ways with me at a birthday party. I was… 15, I guess. I was not into it.

A shy boy, I socially bloomed in high school due to my involvement in drama classes and a new “fuck-the-world” attitude I cultivated through a longer hair cut and a collection of converses of every color imaginable.

The day I found out I graduated from high school, I went to town with a few friends. We (barely) drank and had our PG fun. There was this boy. I didn’t know him at all as he was a friend of a friend. I was very intrigued by him and made sure to present to him what I considered my best self (mute and mysterious, I guess). When it was time to go home, we all packed ourselves in my friend’s tiny car. There wasn’t enough space for all of us so the guy was lying on floor in the back, myself in the middle seat. I don’t know what got into me, but I started putting my fingers under his shirt and caressing his lower back. Gently, like an accident. When he didn’t react, I went further. That’s when I felt his fingers on my ankle. As I got to explore more of his back, he quickly went up my pants and caressed the entirety of my leg. So erotic, you have no idea. He was the first to go home. We didn’t exchange phone numbers but he sure helped me get IT. Once alone with my friends in the car, I said “I like boys”. That was it. The electricity I felt all around my body was unchallenging. No one was shocked. No one cared. Back to our regular scheduled programs.

HOW TO BE A GAY MAN IN FOUR LESSONS (OR MORE)

The first and only real mistake was trying to define myself through my sexuality.

My first boyfriend was… let’s call him Paul. Paul was the sweetest. A very short, very elfish (not healthy, ELFISH) little dude that tried his best to give me space in our relationship to explore myself. I said tried. I was willing to lose my virginity as a bottom but it wasn’t meant to be. I became a top. Oh, but it is a nice memory. It is so rare to be a gay man and lose one’s virginity in a good way. He introduced me to his friends who found me “too country” and “fat”. Do we have to talk to each other every day ? Are nicknames necessary ? Do I love you or do I prove constantly that I love you ? Coming from a broken father/son relationship, affection towards men wasn’t easy shit. Lust, yes (though a restrained version of what lust can be). Feelings were there but I found myself incapable of materializing them the way Paul wanted me too. I broke up with him. We got back together. He then broke up with me. Back together again. We called it quits soon after. Too many variables freaked me out. I was an 18 year-old who knew nothing, Jon Snow style.

I met a couple more guys, experimented with casual dating and hookups, bottomed (wasn’t my thing). Then I met Thomas — I’m not even going to invent a name. That bitch needs to be called out. I fell madly in love with Thomas. Five days in and we said “I love you” to each other. That relationship made me come out to my mom. I just didn’t realize that I was being manipulated into loving someone. He made an effort to be extra needy and to push my Superman complex to the max. After falling for him, he told me he visited several psychiatric facilities. He tried to hurt himself more times that I can honestly remember. By the time our relationship ended, I was more a nurse than a lover. I broke up with me after he cheated on me with someone else. But not just cheat. It went from a Friday night “I’m gonna see a friend for the weekend, it’s been a while since I saw him. It’s gonna do me some good” to a Monday morning phone call “Well, he wasn’t a friend. We slept together, now I love you both and I don’t know what to do”. I made it easy for him. By Monday night, pictures of him with the other boy was all over his Facebook page. Thomas broke me in pieces. And I’m not even gonna talk about me going to the police for harassment months later. Triste vie.

That’s when I became a whore.

Not immediately. It took a few weeks of crying to go in that direction but then I was full on. I quickly moved to another city and for the next three years or so, I slept with everything with a dick that moved. Short guys, tall guys, fat ones, skinny ones, effeminate dudes, masculine cunts, three ways, public, top, bottom, ALL. OF. IT. I was unable to feel anything for those guys (some were great and deserved a lot more) but damn, did I fuck them. All of them.

I learned a lot from that time period. First, I can be great at certain sexual things. Won’t tell you which ones. Second, it gave a lot of satisfaction mixed with a sense of true emptiness. I ignored the emptiness back then but I knew why I felt satisfaction. It wasn’t the orgasms. It was a feeling that I was doing exactly what I was supposed to do AKA being a gay guy having lots of sex. I saw it on TV. I saw it in porn. I knew it to be true. I was being the right kind of gay. 22 and still stupid enough to believe it.

When I moved to Paris, I fell in love twice. First with the city. Second with Pierre. In a way, he was the best of them all. Unfortunately, we met at the wrong time. Remember, I was a whore. Not that I cheated on him per say, but the need was there. Paris was giving me so much more land to cover. I met friends that partied hard. I started taking drugs. Lots of them. Festivities would last three days in a row. Sometimes four times a week. I lost 25 pounds just by being poor and high. Meanwhile, I was living a fantastic relationship with a somewhat adult man. I moved in with him for a couple of months. He was a painter and being with me helped him find inspirations. He bought me a note book and pushed me to start writing again, encouraged me to reach my full potential. But fuck my life, I had to make a choice : domesticity with this great guy (who had already been through what I was going through) or FPD (Friends/Party/Drugs). I broke his heart and entered a downward spiral. I went back to my whoring ways. I went all races, all ages, all sizes, just… all. I even was in a weird throuple for a few weeks. Drugs were taking a toll on my health and my friends weren’t supporting me the way I needed too. Six months after the break up, I reserved course. I cleaned my act, found a new job, moved into a new apartment by myself, cleared my phone from those friends’ numbers. This part of my life taught me two lessons : That I could be loved and valued for exactly who I was and that I could throw in all away for the sake of living that sweet Parisian Gay Life.

I met Jack at a time when my life was going really really well. I had been accepted at film school, I was making new friends from work, I had a perfectly stable life and newly-found good spirit. I do believe I inadvertently seduced him by singing Taylor Swift’s Blank Space at a party. I fell hard for that man. I viewed him as the perfect specimen, the epicenter of everyone I went through in the past seven years. I willingly gave him everything : a place to stay when he was looking for a new apartment, my time, my heart, my soul. I wasn’t able to keep anything for myself. It was all for him. Although I knew from the start that I was getting fucked, I didn’t care. He never loved me. Why ? That’s for another story and perhaps for him to tell you. He didn’t leave me heartbroken. He left me destroyed. To a point where I didn’t recognize myself. I’ll say it again : D.E.S.T.R.O.Y.E.D. That’s what happens when you give so much and receive so little in return. My friends had to pick up the pieces and didn’t know what to do with them. Neither did I. I went back to whoring for a short time but this time, it got dark, y’all. I fucked the wrong people. I put myself in the wrong situations. I took the wrong drugs. I kept on wrecking what was left of me.

LIFE IMITATES ART, ART IMITATES OTHER ART, ART IS ART, LIFE GOES WITH WITH FLOW.

For the following two years, all of that cured me of love and sex. I didn’t/couldn’t want either. I focused on my work.

I started writing and directing short films that talked about love between two men (a musical fantasy), how one can destroy oneself by not accepting who one is (a one-shot suicidal fantasy) and finally, a 16-minute movie about trying to figure out your place in the Queer world (my masterpiece, easy to say, right?).

In retrospect, what I couldn’t do in real life anymore (exploring and answering questions), I did it in fiction. In Faggot (and Other Semantics),there are themes of homophobia, internalized homophobia, clichés, dating apps, sex, violence and identity. I’m not saying it’s the greatest movie of all time, but it’s good. That’s why it’s so heartbreaking that I still haven’t finished it.

I used the excuse that I didn’t have enough money. Well, no I have some money put aside thanks to my friends. I though to myself that I was just lazy but fuck, I proved to myself this past month I wasn’t. So, I’m scared to finish it. Not just having to move on artistically (though it is a big part of the fear) but also, It’s kind of the end of a journey. Well, a big chapter anyway. The movie was made when I was the most wrecked version of myself. I touched subjects that are so personal to me and felt like I finally got some answers out of my questions. Finally…well, I don’t know. I went back to thinking I’m a lazy cunt.

Since then (two years), I did something every Queer person should do : I’ve explored our History. I started making research for Faggot back in 2016. I bought a couple of books, mainly “Faggots” written by Larry Kramer and “Le Rose et Le Noir” written by Frédéric Martel. The truth is, we don’t know our History. How can we ? History tried to erase us time and time again. And when real tragedy stroke, people who couldn’t have shared this History were let to die. Unlike all of the other communities, Queer people are not born into a Queer environment. Humans from all races and backgrounds are raised and can receive heritage from their peers. Some of that heritage are in books you get to read in school. What History book talks about Stonewall ? None. We, as Queer people, are cursed with the task of reinventing ourselves generation after generation. Is it so surprising then that we keep on losing ourselves along the way, trying to figure out our identity ? I had to go and search for information, nothing was giving to me openly. I’m so glad I did.

Learning our past taught me so much about how to live my present. That’s why I started to write these articles this June. I wanted to give my fellow Queers a metaphorical anchor to throw into this ocean we call Life so that they can take a closer look at the world that came before, the one that is being built right now and perhaps, what’s to come. It’s a small gift. The best I can do with my restricted reach but here we are.

Today, I told you about my own story. I came back to it with all that baggage from years of research into my Queer Heritage. I see things a bit more clearly now. In the hopes that maybe, if you deem it necessary, you will be able to do the same.

I’m signing off. Yours Truly,

The Queer King.

[ddproductionsw77]

Still That Girl

Fandom: Girl Meets World

Pairing(s): Riarkle (Main), Charlie x Riley (Technically, not a glamorous potrayal), Smarkle (Past, hinted)

Characters: (Main) Riley Matthews and Farkle Minkus, (Mentioned) Maya Hart, Lucas Friar, Zay Babineaux, Isadora Smackle, Cory Matthews, Topanga Lawerence-Matthews, Auggie Matthews, and Charlie Gardner.

Rating: T

Warnings: Depression, Abusive/Unhealthy/Controlling Domestic Relationship, Underaged Drinking

Prompt from lucasfriarfan: Riley messed up. Big time, and this time, even Farkle can’t quite bring himself to forgive her. He won’t stand by and watch the girl he loves burn herself away, so after graduation, he decides to leave New York to protect his own heart. Riley, not realizing quite how much she felt for the boy, is devastated. She falls even further, dating Charlie, who has become someone no one would even want to know, and cutting herself off from those who love her most.

Charlie is controlling and Riley knows it’s wrong but he’s about all she has left so she can’t just walk away, right? So her family and friends watch as she continuously gives into her boyfriend’s demands and take note of how she never smiles anymore. Well, Maya Hart has had enough. She needs Riley Matthews back and she knows just the boy for the job… But is Riley even still that girl anymore? Can she ever be her again?

Author’s Note: Again, a lot in the prompt so I just worked off of that instead of writing it all.

I’m holding a picture from seven years back. I’m smiling as the memory, it’s smiling right back at me And I see brown hair and bright eyes… A heart full of laughter with nothing to lose, That’s how I remember you…

It had been a long time since Riley had stood in her own bedroom.

Months, maybe? She’d lost track of time, honestly, and had stopped caring even before that.

Dust had collected on the desk against the wall where she’d always done her homework. The bed was made with the same bedspread she’d straighten every morning before leaving for school for four years. The curtains of the bay window were drawn, casting the whole room into a darkness that didn't quite fit all of the memories she had there.

If she closed her eyes and strained her ears, maybe she could even trick herself into believing it was a year ago. Maybe she could go back, for just a moment, and do things differently. Maybe she could be something different, someone different.

But Riley didn’t close her eyes.

She didn’t play pretend, not anymore.

Running her nervous hands down the thighs of her jeans, she took another step into the old bedroom. The empty space where her friendship ring had been for so long still felt naked and sensitive from being uncovered. A flash of something hot and angry blossomed in her chest before stomping itself out.

Charlie didn’t like the ring. Riley didn’t wear the ring.

That was how it was now.

Tucking a long lock of straightened brown hair — Charlie didn’t like her natural curls — behind her ear, Riley ran a finger over one of the photos on her bedside table. The dust collected on the pad of her skin and she took a second to clean the glass with the pillow case closest to her.

It was an old photograph. Freshman year.

Her friends were all in a line, grins on all of their faces and arms wrapped around each other. Zay and Maya were laughing together, leaning on each other as if their knees were about to give out. Lucas was on Maya’s other side, chuckling at the pair. On the farthest right, Smackle was bent over with a rare smile on her pretty face, looking down the line. Her hand was linked with Farkle’s.

Farkle, who was holding Smackle’s hand but wrapped up in the girl at his other side, as always. A younger, softer, kinder Riley Matthews. A girl with bright eyes and a glowing smiling who had a boy with adoring eyes pressing his smiling lips to her temple.

Damn, she really had been blind back then, not to notice.

Maybe if she’d noticed things would have been different.

Setting the photo back down, she sighed and moved back towards the door.

She didn’t even know why’d she’d come back home. If Charlie knew, he wouldn’t be happy. She’d just felt drawn the old bay window and soft sheets of her childhood.

It's been so long since she’d felt anything, she’d decided to follow the instinct. Why not, right?

Riley still had the key to the apartment on her ring. She knew her parents would be at work, Auggie at school. They’d never even know she’d come back. No harm done… no more harm, anyway.

Riley could live with that. She was finding over time that she could live with a lot.

Stepping out of the bedroom, Riley closed the door softly behind her. Her back pressed against the wood, something strong and heavy grounding her feet to the boards under her worn sneakers.

Looking down the hallway, she knew she should be moving. Charlie would be home soon, at her new, real home. If she was gone when that happened…

Besides, her family wouldn’t want her here anymore anyways. Not after everything she’d done and definitely not when she’d been the one to push them away.

Still…

She didn’t want to leave.

A floorboard creaked and her head shot back up, heart jumping to her throat. Breath catching in her throat, she stared wide-eyed at the person now standing at the end of the hall. It felt like forever, it felt like a fraction of a second, but finally, she found her voice.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was going to ask you the same thing,” Farkle answered, stepping closer to her with his hands tucked into his pockets.

“I liv- I used to live here. Last I checked, you didn’t even live in this state anymore, let alone have a key to my family’s apartment.” Riley retorted, one hand still tightly gripping the doorknob of her childhood bedroom.

Something deep and desperate in her soul did not want Farkle to see the her of now side-by-side with the her in that photograph on the bedside table. She didn’t want to see his face with he compared the lifelessness of her once curly hair or when he realized there was no twinkle in her eye now.

Riley might not feel much these days, but she still didn’t want to risk it.

Farkle licked his lips, glancing to the side. Riley took note that he still hadn’t looked her in the eyes. Maybe he couldn’t? Like her, maybe he was too afraid of what he’d find. What he wouldn’t find.

“Maya called me.”

Maya had had his number? For how long? Not that it mattered to Riley because it didn’t.

It couldn’t…

But still Maya wouldn’t have kept that from her, would she have?

Farkle cleared his throat and rubbed the back of his neck, clearly uncomfortable, “She said you weren’t doing too well.”

“I’m fine.” A programmed response, the response everyone expected. The one they all really wanted, right?

“Are you?” He pressed, his voice filled with a genuine concern that rocked Riley to her core.

Because, out of everyone she’d hurt and tossed aside, he was the one who should hate her the most. He should want her to suffer, he knew how much she deserved it. Yet, there he was, really just asking if she was okay.

Riley snorted, “Thank you for the concern, Farkle, really. It’s undeserved, but thanks.”

The young man sighed and ran a hand down his face, “Riley, if this is about what happened-“

“Of course it’s not about-“

“-I forgive you. It’s in the past.”

Riley stopped, looking up into his eyes and noticing he had been slowly approaching her the whole time. Now, their gazes met, all electric blue and chocolate brown.

He… forgave her?

But… how?

How could he forgive her when she couldn’t even forgive herself?

Suddenly, sickeningly, Riley was swept back to that night, over a year ago, when she’d burned him and their friendship to the ground with a smile on her face and a giggle on her lips.

Then your life took a turn, And you fell, And it hurt…

Long Island Iced Tea was all Riley Matthews would drink for the rest of her life, she swore to God. They tasted like sugar, liquor, and something delightfully sinful and she was hooked.

Laughing at the lights dancing across the ceiling, Riley moved to the music pounding through the room. She didn’t even care that some random guy was trying to grab her ass. That was high school, right? Being a teenager? Having fun?

She never had fun anymore.

Always Daddy’s Girl, Maya’s Good Influence, Lucas’ Perfect Princess, Farkle’s Sunshine.

Well, not tonight.

That Riley was gone for now and the one who’d taken her place was feeling a little drunk and a little dangerous and a lot more fun than ever before. A tongue that burned her lips pushed its way into her mouth and she let herself think it was because of raw chemistry and not because the dude had just taken his sixth shot. Damn, it felt good to not care.

“Riley! Come on, let’s just go!”

Farkle’s voice called over the music and just barely touched her brain. She knew she should push the random guy away and listen to her friend but that definitely didn’t sound as fun as staying right where she was.

“Get off her, man!” Suddenly the boy who’d been pushing her into the wall was gone and Farkle was grasping her wrist, pulling her away.

Her buzz, her precious buzz, was wearing with each step and anger flared in her chest as she yanked her arm back, “What the hell, Farkle?”

“Oh, come on, Riley! That guy doesn’t even know your name, let alone care about you!” Farkle threw his hands up.

“He doesn’t have to! That’s the point! I don’t want him to care!” Riley argued, stumbling a little as she tried to turn back towards the party.

Farkle stepped in front of her, eyebrows were drawn, “You don’t want to be with someone who cares?”

“I don’t want to be with someone I’m always having to spare.” She snapped, glaring.

Farkle rolled his eyes, “That’s a little self-centered.”

“You say that like you’re not who I’m talking about.” She whipped back, her words hitting him like a physical blow. Farkle went pale and seemed to stop breathing.

“Wh-what are you-? I don’t-“

“Everyone knows, Farkle!” Riley rolled her eyes, pushing at his shoulder. “Everyone tells me that I should just tell you it’s never gonna happen. Stop leading you on. Well, here goes.”

She rested a hand on each of his shoulders and narrowed her eyes on his wide-eyed, shocked ones. He was looking at her like someone might look at a loaded gun with the power to kill. Maybe she was that lethal.

Leveling their gazes, Riley slurred, “It’s never going to happen, Farkle. I’m never going to be the girl for you, mmkay? So let’s both just move on, hmm?”

Farkle’s lips pursed and his gaze dropped to the ground. Maybe she was so drunk she was seeing things, but it kind of looked like his eyes were watering…

He nodded frantically, wordlessly.

“So you’re gonna leave it alone now?” She asked, quirking an eyebrow. “You’ll leave me alone?”

He nodded more and swallowed, looking somewhere over her shoulder. Huh, his eyes were watering. “Yeah, I’m- I’m sorry. I didn’t know you-“

“Knew? Yeah, well, I do.” She dropped her hands from his shoulders, clapping them together drunkenly. “Now, I’m going back to the party. You- you should just go home.”

Again with the mindless, numb nodding.

Oh well, who cared? Not her, not tonight.

Riley skipped back off to her random waiting boy and left Farkle behind.

But your story’s not over, It’s still being told, Your sunrise is coming…

Everything had changed after that night.

Farkle couldn’t even look at her. Maya was the angriest with her she’d ever been for hurting their shared best friend. Lucas had even told her that he ‘expected more from her’.

Well, that was the problem, wasn’t it? So many damn expectations.

Charlie hadn’t expected anything, though.

Things were so easy with Charlie at the start when everyone else had stopped talking to her. He didn’t give a shit about what she did. She didn’t learn until later that he didn’t really give a shit about any of her, but at that time it had been attractive.

He was a warm body, a non-judgmental face.

After graduation, when Farkle packed his bags and ran off to Princeton, when Maya flew to Rhode Island, and Lucas to vet school in Texas, Charlie stayed right there. He wasn't much and what he was wasn’t good, but he was something.

And she was weak so she thought something might just be better than nothing.

Coming back to the hallway, now a year older, Riley looked back at her bedroom door, “You shouldn’t.”

“You’re probably right.” Farkle nodded. “But I love you. I have since the first grade and I always will. You’re Riley Matthews.”

“No, I’m not.” She shook her head, echoing his own movements from that night so long ago, “That girl is gone. I can’t be her anymore.”

“Why not? Riley, you're the one who always believed she could be anything, the princess of her middle school class, the first woman on Mars.” Slowly, hesitantly, Farkle reached out and brushed the skin of her arm, leaving a trail of goosebumps. “I miss that girl.”

She watched the goosebumps rise and once again acknowledged the inevitability of her body’s reaction to Farkle Minkus. Odd how even after so long apart her cells still responded to his with such natural ease. She barely even noticed when Charlie touched her but Farkle set her aflame.

Maybe she'd been wrong — of course, she was wrong. Maybe she’d been in love with him back on the night of that party. Maybe she still was. Too afraid then, too afraid now… For everything that had changed, that hadn’t.

“I miss her, too.”

Her vision blurred and she felt a joint of surprise when a tear rolled down her cheek as she blinked. It's been so long since she'd felt enough to cry. Honestly, she’d begun to believe she was now just too numb to produce the tears.

“So, work your way back. Riley, you’re still that girl, the one who could change the world. Maybe you’re a little off course right now but that doesn’t mean you can never find your way back.” He said, gently.

Riley closed her eyes, relishing the words she’d imagined him saying a million times. She wanted to believe it, wanted to trust that newborn flicker in her chest, fall into his reassurance and certainty.

But it was too late for her. Too late for him. For them.

So, when Riley opened her eyes, she forced herself to step back. The distance was for the best, for his own protection. Everything she touched, she broke.

She’d already left him battered and bruised once.

She wouldn’t do it again.

Without another word, she slowly shook her head and pushed past him. Escaping the apartment, she made her way back across town to Charlie and their shithole studio with no bay window. Again, she left Farkle behind.

But that was really for the best, wasn’t it?

But you’re still that girl.

- Still That Girl, Britt Nicole

I purposely left this prompt open-ended... you get to choose your own adventure here, I guess. Maybe Riley comes back? Maybe Farkle chases her? Maybe things end happy? Or maybe they don’t... you get to choose.

[mama-ghostie-61542]

A Thousand Lifetimes

Rated M++ for language and themes

If you recognize it--IT AIN'T MINE

Sorry for the OOC bits.

Chapter 2

Supper was finished and cleaned up with little in the way of words spoken after that. The evening saw me curling up in my bed with a coffee and the second chapter.

Jooheon PoV--

As soon as we were given our holiday leave, we were talking where we were all going to go. I had saved my days off for three months to have an entire week away. Just the same as I had saved as much as I could to be able to afford that first class ticket. Bryn had sent me half of the money, so that helped. As I packed, I called Bryn, just to verify the time I should get there.

The flight itself was really uneventful...unless you count the attendant openly flirting with me. That guy openly offered things that, umm, weren't on the menu, let's say. Now, don't get me wrong, I love flying first class, and I am used to having underwear thrown at me by western audiences, but getting an invitation to join 'The Mile High Club' by a dude, was a little much for me.

'Would be too much for me too'.

By the time the plane landed in L.A., I was thoroughly embarrassed, and a little pissed off. Then there was a two hour layover until my flight to Chicago. That flight was a lot better than the one from Seoul to L.A. No one bothered me. I was just the Asian guy in first class.

After grabbing my bag from baggage claim, I started to walk down to the pick up and drop off, where she said she would meet me. Bryn told me she has an awful time getting through security checkpoints. The machines pick up the studs on her implants. That was an interesting conversation, I learned my big sister had lost all her teeth due to a strange combination of factors. But, she had gotten it all squared away and everything had healed up a while ago.

'She has implants? Hmm.'

As I turned the corner, I heard a soft whistle followed by Bryn shouting.

"Jooheon! Over here, Lil Man."

'Little? He is at least half a foot taller than you!'

I turned towards the yell, and saw her. The buzz cut threw me for a second. "You cut it all off again," I remarked as I noticed her shoulder length hair was much shorter than our last video chat.

"Yep. Long hair is for men and babies, not ladies. Neither man nor bitch should be able to grab a handful and use it against me," she quipped as she ran her hand over the short, spunky, spikes on her pate. "Got your bag," she asked.

Long hair is for men and babies, huh.

I nodded.

"Cool. My truck is this way," she said as she tilted her head to the side. "Let's blow this pop stand."

"What," I asked, laughing as I followed.

"Let's blow this popsicle stand.'

Turning around and walking backwards, she said, "Let's blow this popsicle stand."

'See. I do know some idioms.'

Imagine my surprise when what she simply called 'my truck' was a tiny little Chevy Equinox.

As we stowed my bags in the back seat, I said, "Bryn, this isn't a truck."

"Is to me," she replied as we got into the front and buckled our safety belts. When she started up the engine, the cabin was filled with a haunted music. Then she said, as we backed out of the parking spot, "We gotta stop for gas before we hit the interstate, so, I suggest you visit the men's room before we leave. We still have a four hour drive ahead of us."

As she put it in drive, I replied with, "Are you insinuating I can't control myself?"

"No," she said, matter-of-factly. "I am straight telling you that you have a bladder the size of a walnut and you are riding with a fucking camel."

I laughed, 'I agree. That woman can make an eight hour drive with a bottle of pop and never once need to pee. There will still be soda in her bottle, too. She's a fuckin camel.'

As we pulled away from the gas station, and onto the interstate, She commented on my shirt. "That is a nice color on you, by the way."

"Thanks. I like red."

"I know. Just never had you pegged as a guy who actually looked good in maroon."

I looked down at my shirt. "It's red," I replied.

"No, Dear, it's maroon."

"Agree to disagree. How many times have I told you to just call me 'Honey'?"

"It weirds me out to call my little brother "Honey'. That's a word meant for a significant other. The closest you will EVER get is Dear. Ah! I know! Wanda," she laughed.

"Absolutely not," I laughed, "but I can see your point," I said, as I looked out the window for a minute, "How is Clark taking it?"

'Who is this Clark, guy?'

"Your visit? We got in a screaming match. It all boils down to the fact you are a guy."

"Wow," I replied then shook my head. Clark was one of those super insecure guys who saw everyone as a threat. "So it didn't and doesn't matter that the mere idea of being anything other than an adopted brother makes me want to poke my eyeballs out with a blunt object."

"Nope," she replied. "You're a dude, and dude's only think about getting 'stuff' from girls."

'Ok, so she is safe with Honey. Good to know.'

I gagged and covered my mouth, "Icky. Just the thought of that makes me want to vomit," I said then shuddered.

"Hey," she chuckled. "No pukin' in my truck," she quipped as she smacked my arm.

"Are you allowed to have gay friends?"

"He doesn't like them either. He would be completely happy if I had no friends at all."

"That is what I call possessive."

"That is what I call fucked up," she replied. "Getting a little sick of the double standards. He can have all the friends he wants, but I have lost most of mine, thanks to him."

"Well, you can't lose me. You are stuck with me now."

"Good to know."

"You know I love you, Sissie," I squealed as I laid over onto the console.

"Yeah, I know. Sadly," she replied and then smiled at me before focusing on the road.

After a few miles, I asked, "So he cost you your friends?"

Sighing, she replied, "Yeah. The only ones left are Lynn and Shayne. He tried to get rid of them, but Shayne threw a fit."

"Really?"

"Yeah. Shayne told him to shut up before he knocked him out. I mean, we have been friends for 33 years and nothing has ever happened. EVER. And I like Lynn."

"Lynn?"

"Shayne's wife. She is awesome!"

"So, do I get to meet the family this week?"

"Nope," she replied. "Ian, Allen, and Jason all have wives that don't like Ma...or me, much. And Los lives in Texas with his wife and their boys, so I don't get to see him much anyways. Costs a ton to board the boys for a visit"

"Los," I asked. I had heard her refer to him, but didn't really know much, other than he was the only biological brother. "I thought he couldn't have kids?"

"Carlos. Most of the family calls him Junior. Juan Carlos Jr. And he can, she can't. The boys are their pitties."

"Wow. What was his mom smoking," I asked.

Bryn smiled, "Don't know, but I wish she would have shared."

"Why?"

"My full name."

"What is it," I asked, mentally preparing myself for the answer.

"Bryn Markham is just the name I write under. Bryanna Ellyen Velvet Colline Brusher nee Loveland, legally. I go by either Annie or Bry, depending on who it is. My parents STILL call me by my full name," She replied, her embarrassment pinking her cheeks slightly.

I grabbed the pad and pen from beside my bed and wrote down the name quickly.

"Oh my god," I laughed.

"Could have been worse, though. If I had been a boy, my dad wanted to name me either Benjamin Abraham or Joshua Earl."

I couldn't help the snort that came out, right before I broke and laughed. I was laughing so hard I was starting to tear up a bit.

"Yeah. Haha. Laugh it up," She said as she rolled the window down a few centimeters and grabbed an ash cup from the rear cup holder. Then, Bryn grabbed the tin of smokes out of the console and lit one up.

"Hold up. You smoke?"

That explains the smell, sometimes.

"Not anymore. Used to, but I found this mix when I quit. I smoked because of my temper, and this mix helps. It's better than looking at the world through two panes of glass and chicken mesh cause I lost it and gave some dumbass what they really deserved."

I looked at her confused.

"A high five...in the face," she said as she glanced at me, "with a chair," Bryn deadpanned as she watched the road.

I snickered a little before I said, "Really?"

"Yeah. More than just a pretty face, little brother," She laughed as she playfully slapped her cheek.

As we settled in to the drive, I realized how much she looked like the girl in Kihyun's dreams. Granted, I could just be seeing what I wanted to see.

They both need someone awesome.

Bryn PoV--

We made it to the house in a little over 3 hours. As usual, Clarkie was pissed. This time cause I actually went and picked up my brother. I guess, he thought if he raised enough of a stink, I would do what he wanted. But, I had a bad habit of never staying in his happy little shell. Mostly because it felt like a cage and I hate to be hemmed in.

He has always said that I need safety and security, but his idea of it is a cage, fences to box me in. My idea was more like a safe place to bed down after a run with the moon, and the freedom to run and stretch out; to sprawl all out and wait for nightfall.

But, Hawkie, has always known its a nice place to land. But that's the way our connection worked, neither one of us had to say much, we just did and it all fit.

I couldn't help but think how wrong this Clark guy was. A spirited filly like that needed plenty of room to run, to roam, or she got stifled. She was right, my idea of security was always just having a good place to land.

As we walked inside, I said, "Look guys, Uncle Jooheon is here."

All three of my kids suddenly insisted on 'Uncle Joey' being his new name; even though I had been coaching them for weeks as to how to pronounce it the right way.

Grimacing, I said, "Sorry, Bud. It appears you have been graced with a new name. In the old ways, a new name is given at the time of adoption. So it looks like it's official. Welcome to the family."

"Hey. I don't mind. There are worse things to be called. Joey works," He chuckled as he shook his head, "At least it's close. I am honored to officially be part of the family."

"Don't get too comfy. Ma picks out middle names at random. So if you ever hear 'Joe' followed by some random Western name, just go with it. And if she whips out the right pronunciation and a random middle name, you are entirely on your own."

"If it's Ma, I would probably answer to it, just to keep her happy," He quipped back.

"It's better that way. She used to call Jamen, the ex, Lynn."

He let loose a belly laugh that had me laughing.

"Seriously," he asked as he wiped his eyes.

"Oh, Yeah. He used to get soo mad."

I laughed at Bryn and Honey and how they acted. Then, I thought about trying that name out in the morning.

As I laid there, curled up and ready to sleep, I felt her. She brushed my hair out of my eyes and whispered softly against my forehead, "You sleep, my love. I'll keep watch."

I fell asleep to her whispering something to me, soft and slow, in a language I couldn't understand. I knew it was no lullaby. It felt more like a blessing, like a prayer. I felt more at peace in that moment than I had for weeks. That night, the nightmares did not haunt me.

The next morning, as we all got around for the day, I took the chance.

"Hey, Joey."

All of the guys stopped.

Honey turned to me, "What did you call me."

"Story said she coached her kids for weeks. They all had it right, but, the minute you walked in the door it was 'Joey'."

"Really," He said as he looked kind of confused. "Joey?" He just snickered and smiled. "Babies. What can ya do," he laughed.

"If what she wrote is true, in her culture, when a person is adopted, they are given a new name. 'Joey' happens to be yours. Not to mention that 'Honey' weirds her out."

The expression on his face dropped. Confusion colored his face for a moment, then the look of understanding followed, "Ahh. Smaller and close to the original so the kids can learn it. Also, so the adults understand that with the small nickname, everything is ok, but the full version, pronounced right, means 'Shut up and listen'. Got it."

"Did you miss the adopted part? She knows!"

At almost two in the afternoon here, I heard her whisper, 'I'm off to bed.' as I felt her presence close to me. Next, came the burn on my cheek, followed by her soft, 'Goodnight, Love.'

Since I was finishing up my lunch, I decided to reach for her. 'Rest well, my queen. You have more than earned it today,' I said as I brushed her hair away from her face. She always looks so peaceful when she sleeps. I almost couldn't wait for the day when I could physically hold her again.

A/N--Still in hell.

[silkyandsurveys]

July 3

1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? I'm not 2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? Jrdujdhdhd no 3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? Yes and no 4: Do you find it easy to trust others? HeeeEeeEeEeeeeLll noooooo 5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? On my phone 6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? Abby 7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? Throw the closest nearby liquid in their face and then dump their ass and never look back 8: Are you close with your dad? Yeah kinda 9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? Jehdjchshd noooo 10: What are you listening to? My fan run and the click of the keyboard 11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? Diet Pepsi 12: Do you like hickeys? Sure 13: What time do you go to bed? Depends 14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? No? 15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? No 16: Do you always answer your texts? Yes most of the time 17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? YES 18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? like a 10 minutes ago 19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? Yeah I guess 20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? I think I was thinking about Ethan dolan because he is a snack 21: Is anyone else in the room with you? Nope just me myself and I 22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? 👏🏻yes👏🏻 23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? 👏🏻no👏🏻 24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? No 25: In the past week, have you cried? Yes 26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? Light grey 27: Do people ever call you by your last name? Sometimes people do like I've had people in my life that do but very rarely 28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? Nope 29: Do you have a best friend? Yes 30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? Never seen it and if I did I'd cry 31: Who was your last call/text message from? My coach 32: Are you mad at anyone? No 33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? Nope 34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? I'm a kiss virgin 35: How many more days until your birthday? It's like 6 months and 18 days 36: Do you have any summer plans yet? Nah 37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? Nope 38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? Yes????? 39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? Yes many 40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? Nope 41: Do you think age matters in relationships? In some cases like I don't vibe with 27+64 42: Are you available? Hell yes single girlie here 43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? Ummmm not out of high school im literally a freshman 44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? Nips gotta be honest 45: Do you believe exes can be friends? Ummmmm 46: Do you regret anything? Yes some things 47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? My crush since there's so many questions about it 48: Did you ever lose a best friend? Yes and it was awesomely great not even being sarcastic 49: Was your last kiss a mistake? Bleh 50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? Because no 51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? Whdhhd 52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? Hdhdjsnd 53: What was the last thing you ate? Drumstick ice cream thingy 54: Did you get any compliments today? Um no cause I'm ugly and I didn't leave my house 55: Where are you going on your next vacation? Not white sure yet probably New Jersey 56: Do you own anything from other countries? Yeppers 57: Are most of your friend guys or girls? Girls 58: Where have you lived most of your life? PA born and raised 59: When was the last time you took a long drive? Like last week 60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle? Nope and that seems like the most awk game ever 61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house? Nope I'd rather not get arrested 62: Who do you text the most? My friend abby 63: What was the last movie you saw? Not sure probs beauty and the beast 64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex? Enjddb 65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011? HAHAHAHA I was like 7 66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you? Jehd 67: Do you curse around your parents? I'm not looking to be killed 68: Are you happy with where you live? Yeah sometimes 69: Picture of yourself? No 70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships? Closed relationships like I don't understand how you can be ok with your bf or gf having like 15 other bfs or gfs 71: Have you ever been dumped? Nope 72: What do you most like about making out? What the 73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with? Why is there so many kiss questions 74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other? Wot 75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive? Smile, hair, hands legs lol 76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed? Already answered this shit 77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour? I'm a virgy 78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name? ^^ 79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face? My crush hawhaw 80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already? At my age hell no but maybe if I was older 81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you? Yep and it was awk 82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush? I try not to but it always slips 83: Do you miss your last sweetie? What the fuck sweetie lol 84: Last time you slow danced with someone? On vacation a nice worker man dressed as a clown slow danced with my to Bruno mars it was exhilarating 85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met? Whdhdb 86: How can I win your heart? Be funny, loyal and kind 87: What is your astrological sign? Aquarius 88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM? Sleeping 89: Do you cook? I hate cooking 90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication? Yes and I regret it 91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship? Yes :( 92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly? Monogamous as I said 93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest? My type is brown hair brown eyes tall that sorta thing tan skin is so nice too 94: Name four things that you wish you had! Nah 95: Are you a player? Hawhaw sahahahah yo dude you bet bro 96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day? Um no 97: Are you a tease? a lady doesn't kiss and tell ;) jk no 98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr? Nope 99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone? Honestly I think so 100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with? Nah 101: Hugs or Kisses? Depends but I'm not really a hugger but I do get told I give reallygood hugs 102: Are you too shy to ask someone out? Oh my god yes I would be sooo scared 103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex? Smile and height 104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe? Yes 105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it? NO 106: Do you flirt a lot? ummm I don't think so but maybe? 107: Your last kiss? Why 108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012? We all died in 2012 what are you talking about 109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month? No 110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be? My crush/ Ethan dolan/ zach from for bragging rights 111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next? Better get my kissing planner out 112: Does someone like you currently? Don't think so 113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone? Yes 114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings? Serious is nice flings are cool 115: Ever made out with just a friend? Ummmno 116: Are you happier single or in a relationship? Wouldn't know :,)