#dude its crazy to think ive used this shit for 10 years…almost half my life !!

[a1kane]

man. wish i knew what the “tumblr days” my millennial gay coworkers talk about were like 😭

[feraldavestrider]

i never check my mentions apparently @alpacalmond and @uiyutrentasei tagged me in a GTKM thing so im gonna do it oh uhhhh 2 weeks later LOL because i cant sleep and i hate myself

i tag @hal-strider if they didnt do it? and @noctiilucent, @kiyumiarashi, @whimsicmimic and @ataliaf uwu and anyone else who wants to do it!!

how tall are you: this is a cryptid question. i get a different result every time i try to measure myself and ive never asked anyone else to do it for me. some people tell me im very short, others have told me im average height for someone who is afab. im gonna hazard a guess at 5′5 tho.

what colour are your eyes: very dark brown

do you wear contacts and/or glasses: glasses. i literally CANNOT see without them. i mean like 2 inches from my glasses-less face is so blurry its unbelievable. i get super triggered by eye stuff tho so contacts are a no go ALSO i look weird w/o glasses anyway.

do you wear braces: no my teeth r p good actually. one is a bit wonky but thats life

what is your fashion style: i mean 90% panties and a sweaty 4 day tshirt because i just spend all day in my room like a goblin. BUT when i actually go out im ur basic ass post-emo trans dude with skinny jeans, converse and a too-big graphic tee. sometimes i spice it up with a plaid shirt because im fuckin GAY.

when were you born: october 12th 1999, babey

how old are you: 18 motherfucker flashes my titties and gulps a bottle of vodka im an ADULT

do you have any siblings: yes. a younger brother and hes a cunt

what school/college do you go to: im at sixth form rn (last yr of highschool technically if ur american but im not and hs finishes at 16 yrs old here deal with it). im going uni next yr tho and this years almost over for me academically since we go on study leave soon for our final exams. uwu overshares

what kind of student are you: the asshole who never studies for tests and does homework at 5am the morning before and still manages to pull straight As to everyones anger. im also the adhd class clown who makes random noises and cant concentrate half the time. ik i hate myself too im so annoying irl even more so than online.

what are your favorite subjects: in terms of actual content of the subject, english lit fs. in terms of classmates/teachers/general atmosphere DEFFO drama we spend half of our time eating cake, singing random shit and just losing our minds while filming it on snapchat which shouldnt at all be allowed.

what are your favorite movies: god idek. um. fuck. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i cant think of a single movie. ok ok ok i got it: white chicks, premium rush, scott pilgrim vs the world, the cornetto triology too i just love edgar hes such a great director. i like a lot of the marvel movies esp the spiderman hc and thor ragnorok and both gotg were p good. i love a lot of movies my brains just a void that sucks memories up into its fat gob and steals them from me forever.

what are your pastimes: sleeping, crying, used to be rping but i gave up on that, playing overwatch way too much and getting tilted because im shit, reading fanfictions did i say sleeping

do you have many regrets: dude. my guy. come in close. let me whisper in ur ear. are you close? no, closer. ok. 

YES

what is your dream job: whoo boy. im do indecisive and i think a LOT of jobs seem super cool that id never do i.e. be an actor or be in a band. my dream job since i was like 8 was to be a writer which is unlikely since i cant even finish a pwp oneshot. but thatd be cool. id also like to write plays and direct them but thats also wild and v dream > reality. 

would you like to get married: honestly. marriage as an institution? angers me. i dont like a lot of things about it. BUT. part of the reason i hate it is honestly if ur in a long long term relationship with someone ur better off married than not in terms of the benefits so. id happily get married if the other person wanted and/or we felt like it was the right thing to do, i just dont really care about being married or having a wedding tbh.

do you want kids? how many if so: no. hard pass. i might adopt if im long-term with someone who SUPER wants kids but that likely wont happen because i dont want to get into a long-term relationship with someone so desperate for kids since i dont have that same enthusiasm. sorry. ill be ur uncle gabe but im not having my own children im just not well equipped to literally have a full time job of making sure little idiots (meant affectionately) who dont know fuck from shit dont just straight up die. i can barely do that for myself.

how many countries have you visited: shit dude actually ive only visited like... uh... 4??? a lot of my holidays tend to be to the same countries (portugal/america) so i dont have that much experience like i feel like i do.

what was your scariest dream: hmmmm. when i was a kid i had these recurring dreams where i worked at this like. “zoo” where these MASSIVE, i mean ABSOLUTELY MASSIVE string rays that were also pancakes were like. hooked up to make electricity? anyway i hated the job because we all abused the rays super bad to make them generate the power and it sucked and it was all dystopian. there was stuff where like we had to kill the baby rays and stuff. anyway one day it went all planet of the apes and they broke out somehow and could fly and they killed loads of people and i had to go into hiding because they were super clever and could id who had worked at the zoo plant and wanted revenge. its super weird ik but this is pretty tame for my dreams they go HARD and BIZARRE and this one always made me wake up feeling super sick and scared idk. ur welcome.

do you have a boyfriend/girlfriend/significant other: no im lonely but its ok because i need to work on me 

put your playlist on shuffle and without skipping the first 15 songs: ok so i dont really have a “playlist” per se so im just gonna use my top 100 2017 songs on spotify which ignores a lot of my non-spotify non-2017 bangers but whatever.

1) ‘My Songs Know What You Did In The Dark’ by FOB

2) ‘Tuxford Fall’ - Vasudeva

3) ‘Our Lawyer Made Us Change The Name Of This Song So We Wouldn’t Get Sued’ - FOB

4) ‘Fried Noodles: Getter Remix’ - Pink Guy, Getter (listen ive never watched any filthy frank he weirds me out but this is a banger)

5) ‘Brick By Boring Brick’ - Paramore

6) ‘Thnks Fr Th Mmrs’ - FOB (i really dont listen to this much fob this is crazy)

7) ‘Death Note L’s Theme Goes Metal’ - Charlie Parra del Riego (theres no defence for this)

8) ‘Turnstile’ - Vasudeva

9) ‘Idle Worship’ - Paramore

10) ‘Monster’ - Paramore

11) ‘Miss Missing You’ - FOB

12) ‘The City’ - Madeon

13) ‘Far Too Young To Die’ - P!ATD

14) ‘Don’t Stop’ - Nothing More (really this is the band i listen to much smh these results are so skewed)

15) ‘Smile Like You Mean It’ - The Killers

[castlehead]

meandering: inspired by caylen crawford

while i was at beekman i was dating who i thought was the love of my life

in essence, foolish puppy love; i was 18. etc.

in any case it wasnt the healthiest relationship. i returned to the boarding school that kicked me out for self-harm shit [kind of a dick move on their part really but i guess i was a liability; and i mean w/e, thats how i had gotten to be at beekman to begin with]

anyway, i returned to said boarding school, millbrook, to attend the graduation of my previous classmates. i was already on the skids with grades at beekman, things didnt look good re getting a diploma, and i was always stealing my gf’s medicine: she was prescribed the big three, a combo i have seen many times before: adderal, ambien, and klonopin.

anyway i did something stupid and jumped out of the second story dorm window -luckily enough this was after the grad ceremony itself so thankfully that part of my boarding school friends' graduation didnt have much drama to it. the aforementioned girl promptly dumped me at the end of that summer, after i had shuffled thru various hellish psych units haha

and this is just 08

but yeah; fucked up my back pretty bad. imagine the wind getting knocked out of u but times a hundred

anyway, spiraled straight into the jaws of a crippling depression accentuated by social anxiety and a general inability to function, along with this doing more drugs [the girl i had dated had been a virtual pharmacy after all, and had introduced me to harder shit, for the first time, back then] basically all 09 i felt like i was gonna die; then, had an intense vision, saw god one night in my friends kitchen, embodied as a vase i witnessed fall to the floor and shatter into an infinite number of pieces, then magically reform once again into a whole vase -begging the questionable logic behind the fact of anything if shattered into pieces of an infinite number reassembling, being able to reassemble, into the original intact object. would there not also be an arbitrary void, an endless 'final embellishment' as stevens might say, that kept the vase from ever being entirely whole? i desperately tried to capture what the message was, and wrote insane nonlinear drivel on 8 reams of newspaper all night. i woke up three weeks later -the incident had resulted in a long bout of amnesia or something

anyway, i wrote a shittton of philo stuff after, and some great poetry, in fact, just know im on the other side dude. never been more together, honestly, these days. Anyway,

'10 -went to university of hartford, did inconceivable numbers of psychedelics, research chemicals; wrote most of and assembled the first draft of an epic poetic sequence,- over the course of twelve hours sitting on a rock in one place near a brook in the woods outside of the uni. made two really good friends there but eventually got too crazy with the drugs and never went to class. flunked out. my parents were not happy. they sent me to a wilderness survival camp for half a year. wrote a nature epic, heavy nature imagery, by hand, over the course of my stay at the wilderness program, but never did any of the wellness questionnaires or whatever in the booklet they give u to fill out, bc i thought it was stupid and useless. so eventually the staff there were like, this motherfucker has been here half a year, hes going insane

i mean at that point i had been living for quite awhile in the wilderness of the blue ridge mountains, always for three long weeks at a time, followed by a brief weeklong interval in semi-civilixed quarters. and then it was back into yonder wilderness. and this was some like leo dicaprio in ‘the revenant’ type shit. i mean they went hard yo really

need to make a fire? no matches, no lighters: u had to -make- it using a bowdrill or quartz and steel. i never got the bowdrilling down but i was pretty good at sparking the charcloth in my tin with the quartz frictioned against the steel, which is called ‘striking’ cuz u strike the bit of steel against the quartz over dry burnt cloth hoping the resulting sparks from this catch on the cloth etc. etc.

anyway that nature epic was my saving grace -at the end of it all it was arond 111 pages. they said my writing that was enough to let me leave.

anyway, had two years sober after that, in and out of dual diagnosis facilities

developed my poetic voice and technique. as soon as i leave to go back to new york, i get invited to stay with this girl ****, who i would end up dating and basically living at her apartment buying us drugs. it eventually got so bad she got put on leave from uconn where she was going to school bc well that’s drugs for you.

I had a monthlong psychotic episode, drug induced -and i mean like, talking to the walls, thinking the tv was talking to me type shit. anyway that led to one thing or another and i found myself living in random motels in windsor locks ct near the airport continually strung out on heroin and disoriented by pcp

with said girl *****

so now its around 2014 2015 i meet the true love of my life and leave ***** for her

but then i cant decide on either girl and end up fucking them both over emotionally

and in june of 2015 i was so overcome by guilt i jumped over 7 stories out of a window

onto the concrete courtyard outside of my room in nyc

it would have been the end, especially as i was aiming for the stairs that descended from the courtyard to the basement door; by some act of god, i hit this giant heater at the bottom

it broke my fall

i got out of it with a perforated liver and an arm broken in half but really i should have been dead.

so then i underwent intensive therapy, decided i wanted to be with the girl who is now having my child, while in the meantime, *****, my ex, spiraled out of control, which i blame myself for, and od'd on heroin, which i blame myself for, to this day. id say i grapple with that more than i should

but yeah: she died, bless her haha. and, uh

well these days im sober, level headed, happier than ive ever been, writing clear, lapidary pieces of writing, and in love with the woman who will bear my child, -and also gainfully employed, as much as i can be, considering therapy takes up a lot of my week

and that, sir -are the uh, main events i should say

it almost makes my head spin at how so much can change and then change back in a single decade.