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southwindscoffee · 4 years ago

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on fear

Last Sunday, my husband walked into the room and said, come for a ride on the bike with me. We’ll go to Somis Market, share a chili relleno burrito, and come home.

This statement paralyzed me, but for some reason I found myself saying “yes” before I thought too hard about it.

He’d been buttering me up for a few years about getting on the motorcycle. Trying to get me to take lessons. Or at least take a short ride with him.

But I’d always said no.

I don’t know why I said yes. Maybe because a habit in my life I’m trying to form is to stay open. Maybe because like stone stairs in Europe, I was worn down—from the idea of it, from the day, from whatever.

At any rate, I soon realized what I said—that I’d agreed, and he seemed as surprised as me—and started moving on autopilot. Getting on jeans and a long-sleeve shirt. Finding close-toed shoes—I ended up wearing oxblood Doc Martens and feeling slightly like a punk. Putting on a nerd hoodie from the Los Angeles Natural History Museum.

And the whole time I was getting ready, I felt like I was this robot. Move here. Pick up item. Put on.

But robots don’t have feelings, right? So the analogy doesn’t work. Or perhaps I was a scared, trembling robot. My hands were moving, but I felt like I was going to barf. And I started thinking about all these horrible things. All of the motorcycle accidents I’ve seen or heard about. All the terrible stories.

Seriously, I was going to make myself cry. Or sick. Or both.

I almost went out and said to him, we can drive around the block and that’s enough.

And then I remembered something.

I remembered this Will Smith talk about skydiving. https://youtu.be/VsTBCQ2MnRM

You should listen to it because he’s a marvelous storyteller. So, stop and watch it.

But Imma spoil it here:

Basically, Will Smith says that he agreed to go skydiving in Dubai with his friends one kinda wild night, regretted the decision immediately, spent the whole night fretting, hoped no one would show up, couldn’t eat breakfast, was freaking out in the van ride there and then when he actually was pushed out the plane, had the best, most glorious soaring feeling. And then he wondered why he was so scared in his bed or at breakfast or in the van because nothing was dangerous at that time. He was so safe in his bed and at breakfast and in the van. And when he was actually doing something dangerous, it was glorious. He says everything you want is on the other side of fear.

But I what I applied from his talk was to tell myself, as I was sitting in my bedroom, lacing up my boots, was that I was totally safe and I needed to get out of my head. I needed to stop catastrophizing. In my bedroom, I wasn’t going to get hit by a motorcycle or a car. (For the record, my bedroom is on the second story in a house in flat ground in the country, so it would be really unlikely. I have more chance of winning the lottery without buying a ticket.)

So, I quite literally acknowledged my fear. And did it anyway.

Just because I gave myself the Will Smith pep talk didn’t mean all my fears evaporated. They were dispelled, but then they came back. Kind of like how a huge wave hits the shore, then retreats, but another one comes, just with less power. I shooed it back, and the fear returned. I shooed it back again.

Once outside, still trembling but less so, my husband gave me a short safety lesson (don’t touch the exhaust, don’t lean into the curves), and I put on his spare helmet and off we went.

To tell the truth, we got to Laura’s house three blocks away and I almost asked him to turn back. Because that was enough to prove that I could get on the damned thing.

But I didn’t. I kept thinking about how this was the experience. Being scared. Feeling the wind and the movement and noise of the bike. How if I wanted to write a character on a motorcycle, it would be good if I had a better idea of what it was like. (To be fair, I’d ridden one once before in college to go to the movies with a boy. It was the sum total of one mile down a street with no turns, 25 mph speed limit, and one mile back. Not scary. I also recall him cooking me dinner of top ramen that he added frozen veg to. Don’t know why I remember the dinner and the ride equally, but I don’t remember what movie we saw.)

Still, I kept my eyes shut for I’d say more than 90 percent of the ride to the market. I could tell where we were because I know the road so well. I could feel and sort of see the sun beating on my closed eyelids. And the smells—eucalyptus, skunk, trash, more trees. It felt so exposed to the elements. Wind and sun and just out in the earth without the protection of a car.

At any rate, we made it to Somis Market. I opened my eyes. I told him that while I wasn’t loving every second of the ride, I trusted him. (And I do.) And I’d made peace with being scared. We took a selfie.

We ate lunch on the curb outside the market because the dining room’s closed. Drank a Mexi-Coke. Sipped some water.

And I kept my eyes open 90 percent of the way home.

#fear

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vytelis · 11 months ago

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Dubai Lottery Result

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northwest-writing · 4 years ago

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This Week’s Numbers: A Short Play

Four coworkers sit in the breakroom at their minimum wage retail job. TIM, twenty-two, is sitting up in his seat at the breakroom table, shaking his left leg and holding a cup of coffee with both hands. EMILY, nineteen, is leaning slightly back in her chair, looking at her phone. MATT, thirty, leans over the table, writing something down on a piece of paper. KEVIN, thirty-eight, is leaning way back in a chair with his feet up on the table and his hat over his eyes. TIM stares up at the clock.

TIM

D’you guys know if anyone’s ever thought of fixing that clock on the wall?

EMILY

Still looking at her phone

What clock?

MATT

I didn’t even realize it was broken.

TIM

Yeah it’s like always four fifteen? (Beat) Could you imagine if it was always four fifteen?

KEVIN

I tried asking the old store manager about it once. He just said “why do you care about the clock in the break room?” and he had a point so I stopped worrying about it.

There is a silence as TIM stares at KEVIN

TIM

I sort of feel like that story’s not true and you just want me to stop talking before the team meeting.

KEVIN

It’s seven AM, Tim.

EMILY

Yeah, Tim, it’s like seven AM.

TIM

I know what time it is I just--

Enter KATE, twenty five years old, in a good mood one would find inappropriate for a retail employee

KATE

Okay, it’s Monday! You guys ready?

TIM

For the meeting?

KATE

She gets very close to TIM’s face, forcing him to lean back

Tim, look me in my eyes. I’m the store manager. I hate this store just as much as you do, I just get paid ten extra cents an hour to do it. (Straightens back up) NO! I want to know (digging into her jacket pocket) if you guys are ready...for this she holds up a lottery ticket.

Everyone perks up except for MATT, who is still focused on what he is writing down. Even KEVIN moves his hat back to reveal his eyes.

EMILY

Oh shit that’s right it’s Monday!

KATE

That’s right,

as she speaks, she removes her jacket, tosses it onto the table, and begins arranging a chair backwards at the head of the room

which can only mean two things: I am required to hold a team member meeting or I will lose my job, and I bought a new lottery ticket.

KEVIN

Three things.

KATE

And a pack of cigarettes for Kevin

she pulls a pack of cigarettes from her pocket and tosses them to KEVIN who catches them effortlessly.

Matthew, whatcha workin’ on?

MATT

I’m writing to my penpal who’s stationed overseas.

KATE

Well put him on hold. This is important.

EMILY laughs quietly

MATT

Hey, would it be cool if I went first this week? I had a really good one last week and--

EMILY

Maybe you should’ve shown up…

KATE

To EMILY Dude--

EMILY

It took us like an hour to close on Tuesday night.

MATT

It was in the schedule--

TIM

He has gotten up and fixed himself a second cup of coffee since he last spoke

(timidly to EMILY) Well maybe if you had actually--

KATE

The airing! Of grievances will take place after the ceremony...or preferably after you’ve stopped giving a shit about them all together. Beat Aaaaaanyway

she climbs up onto the chair she previously set up

I would like everyone’s attention. *ahem* Oh yeah, everyone clocked in right?

TIM EMILY

Oh shit Oh yeah

Begins to leave the room she reaches into her pocket and pulls out her ID card

Hang on one sec Wait, Tim--

TIM looks back, takes EMILY’s ID card, and exits.

All sit silently as they wait for TIM to come back from swiping their cards.

TIM enters and sits down as he hands EMILY her ID card.

KATE

*ahem* Thank you all for joining me today. According to physics, (a collective sigh) there are two major forms of energy: kinetic energy and potential energy. I hold here in my hand one of the greatest sources of potential energy that money can buy from a Seven Eleven. Now, the rules are very simple: everyone will have their chance to tell us what they would do if this were somehow, miraculously, a winning ticket. We will then vote on who has the best version of what one might call The American Dream and then the winner gets riches beyond their wildest dreams and also they get to pick the numbers for next weeks ticket. We will begin this week by hearing from our dear Matthew. Matthew, you have the floor.

She steps down from her makeshift podium and applauds softly, prompting the rest of the room to follow suit as MATT steps up.

MATT

Alright, so pretty much there’s these like buildings in Germany that were built during World War Two that were designed to be these totally indestructible bunkers that couldn’t be blown up, and so now they’re just still there, because you can’t tear them down no matter what you do. Then the other day I went to clean the men’s room (a noticeable shudder from everyone in the room) and some guy had literally shit like all over the wall. Like he had just fuckin’ exploded. So while I’m in there cleaning it up and just wishing I was dead, I thought that’s what I’d do. I’d fill this room floor to ceiling with that indestructible German concrete and turn the whole thing into a big fossil. So that hundreds of years from now when we’re all dead and gone and this whole store has rotted away to nothing, that guy’s fuckin shit stain would be frozen in carbonite forever, like the Han Fuckin’ Solo of shit.

This speech is met with rousing applause as MATT takes a few small bows and steps down.

KATE

I love it! Very colorful, Matt.

EMILY steps up next.

EMILY

(To MATT) That’s kickass by the way. Alright um, ok so Friday, or I think it was Saturday. Yeah so Sat-- no I didn’t work Saturday. It was Friday anyway FRIDAY I was driving into work and I was stopped at that light that’s like right by Taco Bell, and when I went to go, my car started making that noise again. I’ve shown you guys all the noise right?

TIM

I thought you said it stopped making the noise?

EMILY

Yeah because I kicked my hood really hard that one time and it stopped for like two weeks but it’s back now!

KATE

Wait what’s the noise? I haven’t heard it.

EMILY

It’s like a...(she thinks for a second then begins making the most ridiculous sound. Get creative.) or kind of like a (she makes a variation on the first sound. Kevin is laughing hysterically.) It happens every time I like rev the engine or drive with the windows down or like go about forty miles an hour. I think it’s just like a thing. But anyway I was like oh if I won I would totally pay to fix my car right? But then I was like well why would I pay to fix a 2003 Honda Accord that used to be owned by like a heroin dealer and sounds like it was dragged out of a river when I could just buy a whole ‘nother car? Duh. But anyway now I have this like shitty car I don’t know what to do with. What am I gonna do with it? So then I thought I’d hire a bunch of guys to like take the whole thing apart piece by piece...and then put it back together in Todd’s office.

MATT

What if it was in his living room?

EMILY

Oh my god yeah! Yeah and the best part is, it still makes the sound.

The room breaks into applause. As she steps down

Thank you. Thank you.

KATE

Taking it straight to the district manager. Very cool. Very senior prank. I like it. A tough act to follow. Tim, uh, last week…

TIM

(Getting up from his chair) No no, this one’s not as long.

KATE

(As TIM steps onto the chair) Ok cool.

TIM

(Looking at a note in his phone) Ok. I’m not exactly sure if this is like illegal or not but... (shrugs)

uh so I would fake my own death.

EMILY

Oh shit.

TIM

I didn’t really think through like where I would disappear to but I would disappear like super mysteriously. Don’t worry I wouldn’t make any of you guys look guilty and I’d make sure to disappear on like a night when everyone’s busy so you’d all have an alibi. THEN like a year later, after most of the “oh where’s Tim?” has sorta worn off, I’d start sending postcards to the store.

MATT

Oooooh shiiiit.

TIM

They’d all be from different places. Yellowstone, Dubai, the Eiffel Tower, fuckin’...Des Moines. And they’d each have like one letter on them. And over the course of like five years this collection of postcards would build up and detectives would be like trying to unscramble the letters to figure out where I went. But here’s the best part: they wouldn’t spell out anything. They’re just letters. It’s a goose chase.

KATE

OH SHIT!

TIM

Yeaaaah oh shit.

Everyone passionately applauds as TIM steps off the chair and sits back down

Catch me in Barbados or something sipping on a coconut, just writing ‘E’ on the back of a picture of a palm tree.

KATE

Alright. Kevin?

KEVIN

(From his chair) Just like every week. I’d keep all the money and stay working here so all of you’d have to think about the fact that I’m the one sittin’ on it.

TIM

Bummer, Kev.

KATE

I’m confident one week that’ll be the winner. Don’t ever change, Kevin. Beat. She starts to rise Well. If that’s everyone--

MATT

What if we actually won?

KATE

Well we just talked about that. (She points at MATT) Han Solo of shit (points at EMILY) Casa Del Car (points at TIM) Unsolved Mysteries--

MATT

Yeah but I mean what if we really won.

EMILY

Well then whoever we voted--

MATT

Well but that’s stupid.

KATE

Matt--

MATT

I just keep thinking lately like, it’s stupid that whoever has the time to come up with the cleverest way to quit their job gets to have the money if we won.

KATE

Matt, that’s not the point of--

MATT

I think we should give it to whoever deserves it the most...and I think I should get it.

TIM

It’s not--

MATT

No, I’m the best employee here. Like I really come in and do good at my job every day, and I don’t think I’ve ever been recognized for it!

KATE

Matt, it’s not a bonus. It’s just a game.

EMILY

Yeah, besides, you wouldn’t deserve it the most anyway.

TIM

Jeez!

EMILY

What? Matt’s thirty years old and he’s never acted like he’s wanted to do anything besides work here. I actually have a future. If I had the money, I could actually go to nursing school.

KATE

(Making a feeble attempt to reign things in) Ok, this is--

TIM

You wanna go to nursing school?

EMILY

I’ve told you that like twenty times!

TIM inhales to respond

KATE

Tim, please.

TIM decides not to speak

EMILY

Oh come on! Why don’t you ever stick up for yourself!

TIM

Ok fine! I will stick up for myself! I think you’re a bitch! (EMILY gasps) I think you’re bad at your job and you’re a bad friend. (She gasps again) And I think you’d be a bad nurse.

KEVIN

I think I should get the money.

KATE

Oh my god (She crosses her arms and puts one hand over her face)

KEVIN

I smoke like four packs a day. What if I got lung cancer?

EMILY

I bet that’s the first time you’ve ever asked yourself that question.

KEVIN

Hey!

The room erupts into overlapping arguments. Actors should ad lib their own grievances. KATE is irritated but knows yelling will only add to the ruckus. She thinks for a moment, then walks over to the light switch and starts rapidly flipping the lights off and on. The employees become confused and slowly cease their arguing. They all look at KATE.

KATE

God, I knew that would work. You’re all like a bunch of birds! Listen, there’s a woman that comes into this store every day. Her name is Donna. You’ve all rung her up. Her brother had a stroke and he’s in the hospital and they’re not sure if he’s gonna be alright and she doesn’t know how she’s gonna pay the medical bills. And you know what? If this ticket won the lottery, we still wouldn’t give the money to her. Because she doesn’t deserve it.

EMILY

What the fuck, Kate?

MATT

So you think you deserve it?

KATE

NO! Of course I don’t deserve it. And neither do you!

MATT

So who does?

KATE

Nobody! It’s the lottery! Nobody deserves to win the lottery. It shouldn’t exist at all, just like none of us should have to be here every day. The whole system is rigged against us. This is just a dumb game I made up so that we could all survive. Once a week. Once a week we all remind ourselves that if we really wanted to change our lives we could. And then for the rest of the week we can all earn a paycheck not doing it.

There is a long pause as everyone considers KATE’s statement.

EMILY

(Hesitantly) So it’s...like an office holiday party?

KATE

Yeah it's. Yeah.

Beat

TIM

You guys know the guy who comes in every Tuesday and buys a lampshade? And then the next week he brings it back in so he can exchange it for a different lampshade? And he just does that like over and over again every week? Roger? Beat. (He starts to smile. Starting to laugh on the next line) I think he deserves it.

Everyone begins to laugh slightly

KATE

(Laughing still) Why him?

TIM

(Laughing more) I don’t know he just needs something. That guy’s not ok.

The laughter builds with each line

EMILY

(Laughing) What about that guy that always comes in asking if we have any copies of that one Adam Sandler movie?

MATT

(Laughing) Oh Click!

TIM

(Near tears at this point) He gets so mad when we say no!

EMILY

(Struggling to breathe) I think we should give it to him.

KATE

You mean the guy or Adam Sandler?

Everyone is beside themselves with laughter by this point, completely unable to continue for several moments. Banging fists on the table, clapping, etc. KEVIN laughs like an old prospector. Finally everyone settles down enough to continue the meeting.

KATE

Ok…we still need to...we still need to vote.

EMILY

Tim.

MATT

Tim.

KEVIN

Tim.

TIM

(Giggling slightly) Roger.

Everyone lets out one last small laugh.

KATE

Alright. Looks like Tim has it.

She applauds gently and everyone else follows suit.

Emily can you look up the numbers for last week.

EMILY

She has already taken out her phone to look up the numbers

I’m on it.

KATE

Everyone!

She gestures like she is conducting an orchestra to begin, then digs into her pocket and pulls out a different lottery ticket.

Everyone drums on the table, stopping when EMILY begins reading off the numbers. KATE looks at the ticket from last week.

EMILY

Fourteen! Forty-Seven! Fifty-Four!

Everyone looks at KATE who is maintaining a flawless poker face

Fifty-Five! Sixty-Eight! Twenty-Five!

They continue to look expectantly at KATE. Beat. KATE’s face turns to amazement.

KATE

Wow...(Beat) Not a single one.

Blackout

END OF PLAY.

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squarwell-breakingnews · 2 years ago

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Indian Hotel Employee In Dubai Hits Jackpot, Wins Rs 55 Crore In Lottery: Report

Sajesh NS was named the Series 245 grand prize winner. (Representative pic) An Indian hotel employee in Dubai has hit the jackpot by winning 25 million dirhams (approximately Rs 55 Crore) in the Abu Dhabi Big Ticket Draw. Sajesh NS, the 47-year-old who works as a purchasing manager at Ikkayees restaurant in Dubai’s Karama area, was named the Series 245 grand prize winner, according to Gulf…

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znewstech · 2 years ago

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Indian Hotel Employee In Dubai Hits Jackpot, Wins Rs 55 Crore In Lottery: Report

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newslobster · 2 years ago

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Indian Hotel Employee In Dubai Hits Jackpot, Wins Rs 55 Crore In Lottery: Report

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rankertopgoogle · 2 years ago

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jobssok · 2 years ago

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India win more than 21 Lakh lottery draw in Dubai Lottery News

Dubai Lottery News: There’s no telling when someone’s destiny will change. There are some people in the world who suddenly Luck cheered up And he became a millionaire overnight. The fate of two Indians living in Dubai is bright like this. Two Indians resident in the United Arab Emirates (UAE). in the lottery Millions of rupees have been earned. Many people buy lottery tickets because they want to…

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aabidhussainn1000 · 2 years ago

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