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lesbianherald · 13 hours ago

Note

if you are comfortable with sharing that first draft, please do! I would absolutely love to see it, very curious to know how it all started!!

So - this is re: the first kiss in coming home, which is the first scene I wrote/inspired the whole fic! I offered to share the first draft of it this morning under an ask about writing and process.

Sometimes I have to jump ahead and write scenes I'm really excited about, because often they will jump into my brain and just circle and circle like food in a microwave. Then I use those scenes to prompt some of the rest of the story

For instance - I knew they needed to reconcile over something big - but the actual details of what happened between them and why I was completely unclear of.

things like "i should have kissed you that night in the snow" just sounded cool to me. so I got ideas for flashbacks in this too.

disclaimers - this is bad. i am not sharing this because I think its good but because I think its interesting, especially in terms of what I kept...

and there's a ton of notes to myself. little question marks. and this (//) which usually is just shorthand for I hate what i just wrote but I'm plowing forward anyways.

I redacted a few sentences that were just... too excruciating to publish, but I'll keep everything else the same.

Start

Jayce’s heart is thundering in his ears. Viktor’s expression isn’t one he’s seen before. Never.

“But you - I can’t - and - eh (??),” Viktor tries. Jayce decides to take a step forward. Viktor stays where he is. He’s so close to Viktor. He can see he has a little freckle in his eye.

And oh, no. It’s all flooding out of him. “I was so stupid,” Jayce says. “So, so stupid. I should have just talked to you. I shouldn’t have trusted Noxus(??). I should have listened more and I should have acted less and-“ I should have kissed you, that night in the snow. “I should have done so much that I just - didn’t. I took your work. Our work. Something that was supposed to be helpful, and I almost - I almost hurt people. And I was so Naive and you were everything to me and -”

He’s never wanted to admit that. Ever. Ever. Viktor’s eyes are wide. Full of emotion. And Jayce feels a glimmer of something like hope //. And he’s babbling like a baby. He can’t stop himself. He’s always been bad. At reigning himself in. And he’s done it so much with Viktor it aches and he can’t take it anymore (////////ugh girl).

“I don’t need the credit. I already had my day in the sun. And I know it’s too late to ever go back to how it was. But god, I want to make something beautiful with you again. And I’m sorry I was so awful when you first showed up. And I’m sorry I yelled at you in the lab and called you selfish- And I’m sorry I -“

Viktor’s hands are on his face. Wiping at his eyes. He makes small, soothing little shushing noises. And he’s so close Jace can feel them on his cheek. And he’s hoping and hoping and please god please and then Viktor is kissing him. And its everything yet Jayce immediately needs more and more and more of him. Hands clutching him tightly as if he might escape between his fingers. A desperate pressure.

Jayce makes a small, desperate whine that he didn’t even know he could make // and deepens the kiss, pressing Viktor’s body to his. {REDACTED} He feels along the soft hair on the back of Viktor’s neck. {REDACTED} He’s so soft and he smells like laundry detergent and paper.

And Viktors hands start to shake. Jayce pulls apart from him for a second. He kisses the mole on his cheekbone. By his lips. He utters a hushed and desperate “I missed you,” before he knows what he’s saying. “I missed you so much” uttered between kisses. And he hates the sound of his voice right now. High and desperate and on the verge of breaking.

Viktor pulls apart from him. He studies Jayce as if he’s struggling to comprehend him. He gently strokes his thumb along Jayces cheekbone. Jayce pulls Viktor into a hug. His lithe body fitting perfectly in the space between his arms and Jayce is no creationist but it’s like he was made to fit there. Something holy. Jayce kisses where Viktor’s neck meets his shoulders.

Viktor draws in a shuddering breath. Runs a soothing hand through Jayce’s hair. And Jayce needs more of him. He needs to inhale him and fit him back in the spot in his ribcage that’s been vacant and bleeding since he left. He wants to never let this go again. {REDACTED}.

“Hey,” Viktor says, “Hey. Jayce. It’s okay. Look at me.”

Jayce looks at him. Viktor hovers over him. His hands on Jayce’s face. He’s never seen Viktor look like this. Like he’s overcome. And he’s so beautiful.

“Hey, hey, hey. It’s okay, Jayce. Look at me. Look at me. I’m here.” Jayce can’t help the agonized, shaky breath he lets in. [REDACTED] Viktor wraps Jayce in his arms. Jayce holds him there. Feeling Viktor’s shoulder blades. His back. He doesn’t know if it's Viktor that’s shaking or if it's him //.

“Breathe,” Viktor says, placing a kiss to Jayce’s temple. Jayce buries his head in Viktor’s shoulder. He lets himself breathe. Lets himself take in the smell of Viktor’s laundry detergent. The sweet salt of his skin. Viktor strokes his fingers through Jayce’s hair. Jayce takes a moment to take it in. “I’m sorry,” Jayce says. “I’m so... stupid emotional. I can’t even -“

“I’ve always liked that about you,” Viktor says. “You have a big heart, metaphorically speaking.” Jayce kisses the mole on Viktor’s neck then finally lets himself look at him. Viktor’s looking at him with an unbearable amount of affection.

Jayce kisses him again. Slowly this time. Letting himself savor every second. Kisses him deeply. Moving carefully. He parts for air. Goes in for another. Another. Another. And Viktor is so shockingly soft. From his lips to his little sighs to the hand he has placed on the back of Jayce’s neck. Viktor is the one to deepen the next kiss. Swiping his tongue against Jayces bottom lip.

“Let me take you home,” Jayce whispers into his neck. “Please.”

Viktor shivers underneath him.

“Yes,” he says, kissing the top of Jayce’s head. Viktor is looking him like that. Jayce takes a moment to soak it in, that look. Burn it into his memory.

“What are you waiting for?” Viktor asks. “Go get the car.”

[END]

#i tried to embrace the cringe and redact as little as possible lmao #ask bee #coming home but not to you #this is kind of insane to do? but also whatever #dskfljdf #me high and depressed in my bedroom one evening last fall #you know. i like these guys. what if they kissed. but they had hated each other before #and they were in modern times

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