#drunk and goggli

[hangsawoman]

[lesbiansoncaffiene]

AFTG As Shit Me And My Friends Have Said (pt. 2)

Y’all like the last one so much (it’s my most liked post as of rn so thank you!!) that we now have a part dos

Also features quotes from my gov class and from my (twin) brother

Matt: I am very happy to declare pawnshops as “EBay irl”

Dan: dear god

——————————————

5:24am

*Nicky named the chat Toothpaste Man Fanclub*

5:25am

*Andrew left the chat*

—————————————

Renee: I cannot believe I have to say this, you’re not allowed to cut into a cake baby

Aaron, his scalpel ready: goddamit

——————————

Matt, drunk: Me when I cut off my ear for the lols

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The AFTG fandom: Gender, in the state of this nation? I think the fuck not

——————————

Wymack: Wow I have a lot of white in my beard

Abby: It’s because you’re old

Kevin: Well the alternative is dead so..

Wymack and Abby: ..

——————————

Aaron, to Katelyn, who always falls asleep during Marvel movies: do you wanna watch a Marvel movie?

Katelyn: *snorts*

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Seth: What if you’re pregnant and go to China, and your baby is born while you’re in China

Renee: You can’t fly in a plane during your 3rd trimester of pregnancy

Seth: Yea but what if you drove

*disappointed sighs*

———————

Kevin: omg I found a picture of my best friend in PreK

Kevin: The one who told me Satan was gonna eat me

Matt: ….I’m sorry what-

————————

Nicky: My only goal in life is to piss off my ancestors by going to the spice section in the grocery store

————————

Kevin: someone tried to mansplain on me in my history class, I hope they know that I’m a self-diagnosed autistic bisexual with a god complex who is going to prove him wrong

Dan: yep time to call Betsy

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Jean: listen I’m aroace but if Mothman ever wanted to fuck…..

Laila: shut uP, ShuT UP-

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Aaron: we have to take care of these egg baby’s in my healthcare class *shows eggs with goggly eyes attached*

Andrew, looking it dead in the eyes: eat it. Eat the baby

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Nicky *on the bus*: SCOOBY DOOBY DOO

Matt: WHERE ARE YOU

Neil, from the back: emotional hell

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Jeremy *about some gossip*: omg what a plot twist

Alvarez: that only happens in books

Jeremy: shhh I’m projecting

——————————

Renee: wow, that was great parallel parking, you must have aced your drivers test

Andrew: my what

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*3am on a school night*

Dan: Don’t you think it’s weird that getting lab work done is basically walking into the doctors office and asking them to take your life juice?

Allison: if you don’t shut up and go to sleep I’m calling Wymack

————————

Neil: I hope Wymack lets me make Jack do the little lad dance for missing practice

Seth: that would bring all the serotonin that I’m missing back into my life tbh

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Andrew: I’m a very slow reader, I should not start a 10K fic at 2:35am

Neil: You going to anyway aren’t you

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Allison *showing Renee a meme*: Why was my first thought when I saw this ��I should send this to my therapist’

Renee: Because you’re mentally ill, babe

———————

Andrew: Why make good decisions when arson is an option?

Aaron: Is arson… not a good decision?

———————

Nicky: okay so how do we let Andrew know that we know he’s gay. I have a few ideas-

Renee: well, we should be subtle-

Nicky, already pulling out a full on rainbow costume: do we /have/ to?

———————

Allison: is my straightener in your room?

Neil: I don’t think anything in my room is straight but you can check

———————

Andrew *on a rant about Adam Levine’s voice*: it sounds like he’s been hit in the balls

Wymack, who woke up two minutes ago when he thought someone was breaking into his house at 3:38am: what the fuck

————-

Neil: My lungs thought it would be funky and fresh to stop working when it is in fact not funky nor fresh

Matt: You just had an asthma attack, can you shut up-

———————

Aaron: I have therapy today

Kevin, trying to be supportive: that’s hot

————————

Renee: I love you but your pizza cutting skills are enough to ward off God

Dan, who cut the pizza into squares: yeah that’s fair

——-

Dedicated to Jess who read these and approved 100% *sorta*

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Part 3? Possibly?? If y’all like it???

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Part 1:

[eddiekaspraktozier]

After winning his first Emmy, Richie is overrun with interviews, casting calls, and photo shoots. One of his most notable is being on the cover for GQ.

The whole photoshoot feels ridiculous to Richie cause who would ever find him attractive?

And of course Eddie’s there, for moral support and to not so stealthily feel Richie up while he’s in his custom tailored outfits.

During a break the photographer finds Richie & Eddie hanging out in a secluded corner. Eddie’s sitting in Richie’s lap, his arms wrapped around Richie’s neck as he brushes their noses together, laughing at something Richie said.

On the day the magazine comes out, their phones blow up. All of the Losers have sent snapshots of magazine, each one sending the same photo of Richie & Eddie staring at each other with love drunk goggly eyes.

The photo instantly makes them Hollywood’s new “it” couple.

[gwennavierre]

I don't have a computer yet, but wanted to start writing a little fic where Plagg overindulges and gets... chatty.

I don't know how to do a cut in the mobile app, so sorry!

If you like this and want another chapter, please let me know!

__________

Notices: season 3 spoilers, alcohol consumption (by kwami, not kid)

Delicate combinations

Chapter 1

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'Would you like some cheese with that whine?'

Adrien glared at the smirking kwami and stopped his tangent on how frustrating it was to be in love with a girl who didn't like him back. It wasn't her lack of feelings for him that was the main issue (though it was high up there...), but how difficult it was for him to let go of his feelings for her to pursue someone else. He enjoyed spending time with Kagami, and tried really hard to feel happy at the thought of possibly k-kissing her... but.. Adrien sighed. Plagg was right, he was whining and that wasn't doing anything but making him feel worse.

"Sorry, Plagg. I know you're tired of hearing this. I am too, to be honest. At least you're not stuck inside my head with my thoughts, right?" he grinned as Plagg sighed and heavily rolled his eyes.

'I need more cheese for this, Adrien. I'm wasting away, using all my energy to listen to you mope. In fact, I could go for some actual wine as well. It's been a while since I paired my cheese with a nice wine...' he tapped his.. chin? with his stubby arm while he pondered to himself about the delightful combination of good vin and fomage...

"I'll see what I can do, Plagg. Wait here!" The blonde was out the door the next moment, leaving Plagg to start drooling in anticipation.

When Adrien came back, he was holding a glass bottle under his shirt and doing his best impression of a spy in an overrated action movie. Plagg raised his eyebrows as his chosen turned and closed the bedroom door, badly humming a theme from one of those movies.

Turning to face Plagg, he pulled the bottle from its hiding place with a proud flourish. "Ta-daaaaa!" He rubbed his chin with one hand while turning the bottle in the other, reading the label.

"It's the first one I saw and one of the chefs almost caught me, so I don't know what kind I grabbed. I'm not really a fan of wine, either, so... I hope this is okay?"

Plagg hid the bit of emotion that almost showed on his face. Adrien might be an idiot, but he was one of the best humans he had ever had. He flitted to his cheese cupboard and chose the best piece to go with the bottle.

"I forgot to grab a glass.. want me to go get you on-...?"

Plagg had already forced out the cork and was somehow tilting the heavy glass bottle into his mouth. Adrien may not like wine, but he definitely knew that was not how one was supposed to drink such a fancy one... ah well. His kwami looked delighted as he went back and forth with the cheese and the wine, no doubt enjoying the (supposedly) delicate balance of flavors.

Smiling softly to himself, Adrien flopped onto his bed and pulled out some reading he wanted to catch up on. He hadn't realized how sleepy he was until he was woken up an hour later by Plagg... who had apparently been poking his nose while making "beep" sounds to bring him back to consciousness.

'Beeeeep' *poke* 'beeeeep' *poke* 'BEEEEEEPP!' *aggressive poke*

"Ow! Plagg, what the hell?" Adrien groggily sat up and covered his bruised nose with his hand.

'Finally! I've been soooo boorrrred, Adrien. You fell asleep and I had nooooo one to talk to except your pictures of Ladybug, and apparently she's not very talkative right now..' Plagg glared at one of the aforementioned pictures, thoroughly offended at its lack of engaging discourse over the past hour.

"Plagg... are you... are you drunk?"

'What? No, I'm Plagg. You lidderulllly jus' said it. Why would you think I'm Drunk? What kinda name is that, anyway??' the kwami wobbled a bit, even while floating in air, and gave a crooked smile.

Adrien stared blankly at him and slowly blinked. "Right. You weren't supposed to drink the WHOLE BOTTLE, you know!"

'How was I supposa know that, huh? You left it on the table for me. You didna say I had to limmmmmit myself.' Plagg sniffed in indignation and held his wobbly head up high and seeing the humorless Ladybug staring out at him again from her place on the wall. Plagg narrowed his eyes and floated towards it, seemingly tripping on himself a few times.

'And YOU!' he angrily pointed his stubby arm at the picture. 'You are NO help ADDDAALL, with your buggy liddle face making my cat go all loopy dovey goggly eyes.'

Adrien rubbed the last bit of sleep from his eyes as he watched his kwami yell at a poster. This... was starting to be very entertaining, if also a bit embarrassing. Poor Plagg was all he had to talk to about his love for the polka dotted heroine, after all. He was bound to get frustrated with it eventually...

Adrien tuned back in to Plagg's lecturing of the Ladybug poster.

'...an.. an he won't... stop... talking about you an I know you ca't stop talking 'bout him either, and you're both soo... sooo... UGH.' Plagg was pulling at his face in frustration.

Adrien frowned.

"Plagg, what do you mean she 'can't stop talking about me either'?"

'Wha? Oh. Yeah. Badylug. She's todally obsessed with you. More than you are with her, 'ccording to Sugarcube... '

Adrien felt his face heat up, even as confusion clouded his brain..

"Ladybug barely tolerates me, Plagg. She's not obsessed with me... she likes someone else, after all..." he couldn't control the sad sigh that escaped his lips.

Plagg narrowed his eyes in Adrien's general direction (he wasn't sure which Adrien was the real one, so focused somewhere between the two). He had had ENOUGH. Boi was gonna have a 'come to kwami' moment, right here, right now.

'Adriennnnn... you are the best black cat I've evver had..' he allowed his words to sink in and bring a smile to Adrien's face.. 'you're also the most infuriating and dense one I've had!' welp, so much for that smile... may as well get this over with..

'YOU are the one badylug likes, you freaking idiot. She's obsessed with you, has pictures of you all over her walls!'

"... what do you mean? Why would she keep turning me down then?"

'Not pictures of Chat NOIR, you idiot. Pictures of YOU. ABRIEN UNDRESSED. Um.. Adrien Agreste. Heh. I'm star'ing to sound like her... an.. an Sugarcube hasta... hasta put up with her moaning abou' YOU, 'cause you don't even know she likes you cuz you.. you're stuck on Badylug!!' Plagg hadn't actually slipped up on her name that time. He had started liking it and was now saying 'Badylug' intentionally. He tried to focus his eyes on the two shocked looking Adrien's sitting on the bed. Was this.. okay? Should he have told him so much? Could he have survived anymore pointless pining if he HADN'T said anything? Glancing at the empty bottle of wine, he knew the answer to that. He was doing this for all of them. Adrien, Badylug, Sugarcube, and himself.

Besides, it's not like he's telling him her identity or anything... he should be happy knowing his love loves him back, right?

Adrien blinked several times. Ladybug... liked him? Liked Adrien? No.. was obsessed with him?? Had pictures of him on her walls??

He cursed gravity for not allowing him to float up to his ceiling on a cloud of bliss.

Ladybug... loved him. And he loved Ladybug.

Wait. Ladybug loved him but he had no idea who she was. Was he ignoring her advances the way she ignored his as Chat??

"Plagg! Who is she??"

'Nuh uh, I'm not 'sposed to tell ya.'

"I know that, but.. Plagg, if she loves Adrien and doesn't give Chat a chance because of that, and what if I'm doing the same thing to her??"

'Gee. I wonder.' Plagg's sarcasm shot at Adrien, who gasped.

"Tha- that's why you've been so annoyed! You know who she is! Her kwami knows who I am, too, right?" Plagg nodded.

"So.. you two have been watching and listening to us fall apart over our love for each other and didn't think to mention any of this before NOW?"

Plagg glanced sideways at Posterbug and stage whispered 'maybe this wasn't such a good idea afferall, Badylug...' Posterbug winked at him. Yep. He had most definitely overdone it with the wine.

Boldly ignoring Adrien's rant, Plagg phased into a cupboard and curled up for a nap. Adrien will calm down, eventually. Then maybe he can stop moping about Ladybug and start paying attention to a certain girl in his class who smells like cinnamon and freshly baked bread. Plagg sighed and tuned out Adrien's attempts to open the cupboard. Plagg was no longer bored, but definitely needed a nap.

[romancevsreality-blog]

bachelor in paradise, season four, episodes seven and eight: this is easily the worst episode this show has ever produced.

EVERYONE THIS SEASON SUCKS.

That’s all.

Dean cannot stop thinking with his dick and when Robb(ie) tells him that Kristina saw him canoodling and flirting with Danielle in the pool, he’s like, “WAIT, WHY DIDN’T YOU TAKE HER DOWN TO THE BEACH?” Why are you making out with some girl while leading another girl on?! That’s literally not Robb(ie)’s responsibility, he’s too focused on making sure his hair is perfectly resembling a Dairy Queen ice cream cone. He acknowledges what he’s doing is wrong but the fact that his first instinct is “Oh shit, I got caught,” he’s such a piece of garbage. When he goes to Kristina to make nice, she’s ice fucking cold. She makes him tell her why she won’t speak to him1.

Dean gives an innocent version of what he was doing, but he’s like, “looking back, it was bad, but I wouldn’t have done it if I had known you were there.” That’s… not an apology, Dean. He literally does not get it. He just wants to be able to fuck her and Danielle. Kristina keeps trying to get him to acknowledge that his behavior is hurtful and harmful and he just… can’t. He just repeats what she says back to her in hopes that it’ll make it all okay. He says he’s “just being honest” as if it makes everything okay - and even in that, he’s not being 100% honest. He only came to Kristina after he found out that she had seen he and Danielle kissing and flirting the night before. He keeps asking for her patience but he doesn’t deserve it.

Kristina, you literally need to kick this guy to the curb and go make out with Ben Z. Dean is the kind of guy who expects to be comforted when he fucks up instead of holding himself accountable for his actions and comforting YOU for his fuck up. Impact > Intent. At this point he’s not going to realize what a catch you are and has done nothing but push you away over and over again because he’s a goddamn mess who likes you, but not that much.

Meanwhile, Jasmine is thirsty, and this time, it’s all about Jonathan/Tickle Monster/Buster Bluth. I can’t help but think a little of it is to fuck over Karyistin, but a lot of it is to stay on television and get drunk for free while making out with a kind of hot doctor2. Jasmine. BEN Z IS STILL THERE. Jesus Christ I can’t handle any of y’all or y’alls taste. Apparently Buster Bluth tickles while he kisses, and I’m… I need to step away for a moment.

Okay, I’m back. Sorry, I had to vomit. Meanwhile, jackstone is feeling lonely. He’s hoping to get time with Kyrstin now that Buster Bluth is otherwise occupied with literal tickle torture. But, oh wait, here comes...

Oh, it’s... Blake.

Blake, the non-banana eating guy who got into a feud with Syllabic Noise on Rachel’s season of La Bachelorette has arrived and my god, is he sweaty. He’s already sweat straight through his polo, which is white, so it’s basically translucent.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Blake: Unfrosted Mini Wheats3.

I can’t think of a bigger letdown because he’s basically there for the Josh Murray (ugh) Special: REDEMPTION. He wants people to know that he’s more than just his 15 minute argument with Syllabic Noise. He immediately takes all the guys aside (save for Daniel) and he shows interest in Danielle, of course. Raven tells him not to mention Syllabic Noise, just to sell himself, so of course the first thing he does when talking to Jasmine is mention him. God. He literally mentions it to every girl he talks to and none of the girls are interested.

Diggy gets it perfectly when he says Blake is the kind of guy you call when you need help moving or a co-signer. Kristina isn’t interested. Danielle isn’t interested. And then...

Here comes Freddy!

I’m just happy there’s more than one black guy on this show now.

I love the producers bursting Blake’s bubble like this, too. Both Blake and Freddy have date cards for a double date because again - this show has a budget of $29.99 for every date. They’re not tipping these waiters shit. All the guys are like “everyone wants to go out with Fred, no one wants to go out with Blake. LOLOLOL.” Fred takes Dominique aside first, and of course Diggy’s like “Ohhhh shit.”4 I’m glad this is Diggy & Dominique’s first appearance in two episodes and of course it’s tumultuous. Dominique tells Fred to go after what he wants, and he immediately asks her out on his date, and she agrees. It’s amazing.

Meanwhile, Blake finally flatters Crysten into a date and she says yes even though she thinks it’s going to be awkward. JACKSTONE is feeling kinds of feels about the fact that Kristen is going on this date and has gone on 100 dates since they went out.

And then we’re treated to the single best five seconds of 2017.

Jack’s walking down the beach alone, walks past Robb(ie), and punches him in the balls.

Someone give this scene a god damn Peabody and an Emmy.

Outstanding. Just good shit right there.

Meanwhile, the girls this season are solidifying themselves as the gang of goopy awful monsters they are and decide to tell JACKSTONE that Christyn said he was a bad kisser and thus they want to show him how to be a better one. This is what happens when you don’t let people have access to any other forms of entertainment. Hell, give them a deck of cards. This is how Lord of the Flies starts. All the girls finally make out with JACKSTONE and confirm that he’s a good kisser.

Blake, Kristyn, Dominique, and Fred’s date revolves around them on a high-adrenaline speedboat, three words I don’t understand in a row. Cristan loses one of her contacts and her mascara is running down her face5. And not in a pretty Beyonce in the “Why Don’t You Love Me” video kind of way, but more like:

Cristan complains a lot during the date, mostly about getting sea sick and losing her contacts. She seems miserable. I laugh becuase they have one of those giant balloon slides set up and if anyone’s seen Below Deck you know how shitty those are to set up.

Back at the villa, Chris Harrison arrives, and they’re all shooketh. Chris Harrison tells them that Fred was the last new (male) arrival and - oh shit! - the rose ceremony is tonight. Probably because they only booked the resort a certain number of days and they gotta get outta there ASAP before Robb(ie) pollutes the water any further with his hair products.

Speaking of Robb(ie), there’s a new date card!!!! He of course asks Amanda Never-Shoulders, who deserves a break from keeping shirts on her shoulders. They go to a fair and get $14 in tickets each. He’s hoping he can have something very long-term outside of Paradise, and that long-term thing comes with a lot of Instagram followers, because that’s what Robb(ie) feeds on.

Seriously: y’all can’t tell me it’s not a coincidence the “Social Media Influencer” has been chasing after the girl with the most Instagram followers there6.

We head into the cocktail party, and a few couples there are completely set - Derek & Taylor, Adam & Raven, and Lacey and Daniel are just weird together which everyone’s okay with. Meanwhile, Ben Z hasn’t found anyone and knows he’s not getting a rose that week because he’s not interested in anyone there and no one’s interested in him, so... He’s leaving. Pretty much everyone’s sad but also like “Go home to your dog, bro.”

Qirsten and Raven are sitting with My Ex-Boyfriend Wells and discussing how all the guys are thirsting over Kriston now. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells is like, “you’re like me last year!” and I’m like, “Fuck the fuck off, Wells!”

My Ex-Boyfriend Wells knows what he did.

Then My Ex-Boyfriend Wells reconfirms why I broke up with him when he’s the one to tell Cristan that everyone’s been calling her Scallop Fingers since she arrived. Like, the scallop story was funny in its initial appearance but it quickly diverted into cruelty - everyone calling her that in their talking heads, the chyron - it lost its humor quickly and they’re beating a dead horse with it now. I admittedly had a Mean Girl period, but that Mean Girl period was called The Eighth Grade. Do you know what Eighth Grade should rebrand itself as? The Human Centipede. You’re just eating shit and shitting out shit because you’re shit. The perpetuation of the scallop story just feels like eighth grade bullshit.

Again - take away people’s access to outside things and you’ll see how they truly are. It’s why I’ll never go camping.

Wells slowly realizes midway through telling the story that a) Kristan had no idea about this story or this “nickname”7 and b) she’s actually kind of hurt by it. The only time I agree with her is when she’s like “Persecute me, I don’t like to waste good food.” Me either, KirstenDunst.

Kristan is basically a hot commodity with JACKSTONE, Buster Bluth, and Blake. She makes out with all of them with scallop mouth. I have nothing to say.

There’s a ton of filler, but Danielle sits down with Dean and asks him if Kristina gave him her rose, would he accept it? He finally says that he knows it’s not fair to play with both of their feelings and he’s going to go all-in with Danielle. I feel bad for Danielle because... Dean’s constantly talking about how Kristina’s too good for him and so like, what’s Danielle? Chopped liver? And this is what he wanted - Danielle once he was done with Kristina.

Of course, Kristina reacts maturely and perfectly and calmly.

Nah, she insults him and says he’s going after a girl, not a woman. KRISTINA. COME ON. SERIOUSLY? This dude has proven to you time and time again that you were his safety net. She keeps trying to blame Danielle and that she got “in his head”. Kristina sits down with Raven to shit talk, and Raven, while well-intentioned, picked the wrong moment to try to reason with Kristina and drop some logical truth bombs. She tries to reason with Kristina that no one “stole” Dean, Dean was wrong for playing two girls at once. She can be mad at Danielle, but she shouldn’t blame her for it. Kristina wanted at that moment to feel supported and didn’t get it from Raven, so she storms off because what does Raven know, they haven’t talked in a few days.

Y’all.

My Ex-Boyfriend Wells finally delivers the line to Kristina that she probably needed to hear all along, and something I have said several times to my friends in the past - why are you fighting for someone who isn’t fighting for you? Why bother? There is no reason to waste any time on someone who wouldn’t waste time on you. It’s hard to admit that and it’s hard to realize that you might be unwanted but that’s the way love goes.

We head into the Rose Ceremony.

Lacey gives her rose to Candy Lambz, and I can only imagine the abhorrent personality that would accompany their child.

Taylor gives her rose to Derek.

Amanda gives her rose to Robb(ie).

Raven gives her rose to Adam.

Dominique picks Diggy.

Jasmine picks... Jonathan?

Christin gives her rose to JACKSTONE.

Instead of giving out her rose, Kristina’s like, “Fuck this, fuck y’all, I’m out.” Her rose isn’t going to anyone.

Dean walks her out, and he’s like, “I hate myself, I hate doing this to you, please forgive me.”

That. IS NOT. AN APOLOGY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

That’s telling someone you fucked up and then telling them how they should feel about it. That’s manipulation through and through. Stop making the conversation about your feelings. God.

Then he goes back and accepts Danielle’s rose.

Blake and Fred are going home. Bye Fred, please go find a more normal girl in your hometown.

Exeunt.

Enter.

The next day, everyone is still shook that Kristina left. Let’s be real - no one is really shook. Dean’s just relieved he can fuck Danielle without guilt now. We hear Dominique say more words in the opener than she has all season. She confirms the couples, and is worried someone might come in and distrupt everything.

Here comes Jaimi!!!!!!!

Jaimi is known for being bisexual and of course everyone’s like OMG SHE LIKES BOTH MEN AND WOMEN WHAT WILL HAPPEN IS SHE GOING TO TRY TO FUCK EVERYONE? No. The narrative that bisexual women are sluts who are just trying to bang everyone than can is dangerous. Bisexual women are not your sex toys and they have agency and aren’t... fucking predators. They’re not nymphomaniac homewreckers.8They just have interest in both genders. It’s not that hard.

I’m sorry, I’m still a little drunk from last night.

The Amanda Mitchell Standard of Dislikability on Jaimi: She’s far from the worst one in this cast, she’s more like soap in the eye.

Anyway, the girls are talking about how they think Jaimi’s interested in Cristen. Of course. I hate everyone on this show. Jaimi sets her sights on Diggy right quick, though. She gives her date card to him, and he seems... tentative about it, but he goes anyway.

We’re off on another $13 date where Diggy tries to figure out with Jaimi “is” in terms of nationality. You know what mixed people love? When people try to guess what they “are”. The’re fucking people. That’s what they are.

Meanwhile, back at the villa, Danielle and Dean are basically all over each other and she’s not concerned whatsoever.

Oh.

What’s that sound?

It’s the sound of terror approaching, aka The Twins.

W H Y.

Literally, their entire personality is “we’re hot twins, look at us!” I hate Emily and/or Haley. I hate that Willam, my favorite Drag Race alum, was on their “reality show”. I hate that this show continues to tote these girls around constantly because they literaly have no ohter qualifications other than being ABC’s bitches.

I literally didn’t think this show could be more full of awful people, but here we are. Is Jef Holm coming next?

Emily and/or Haley admit that they’re there to fuck shit up and I seriously hate them. Emily and/or Haley is interested in Dean and Derek, of course, and one of the twins refuses to take no for an answer. They have one shared date card between the two of them because they’re coming in late and because the producers don’t want to waste any time distinguishing between the two of them. They of course take Amanda Never-Shoulders aside to find out what’s going on9. Amanda Never-Shoulders is like, “Well, I’ve been so focused on making sure fabric never touches my shoulders that the only people available are JACKSTONE and Buster Bluth.” They have a really fucking forced conversation about Scallop Fingers and god, I’m tired of hearing about that.

The twins are not happy with these options, and they don’t even know what scallops are. The twins are not intimidated by Quristen and the fact that she’s the hottest commodity on the island. Amanda’s like, “nah, don’t even bother with Derek. Don’t bother with Dean. Sorrrrrrrrry.” Emily and/or Haley DGAF though, they’re going to ask who they want to. The producers waste a bunch of time distinguishing between the twins, and how to tell them apart - mainly, their vaginas and noses are different. I didn’t need to know that.

Emily and/or Haley continues to call JACKSTONE a serial killer, which is just... god. I hate them so much. Like, they’re the definition of “pretty on the outside, ugly on the inside”. They’re insidious. I cannot stand anyone who believes that playing dumb is a cute trait. Ignorance is not attractive. Not knowing shit does not make you a catch. Emily and/or Haley takes Dean aside and offers her date card and he flat out says no because he’s actually being a decent person for the first time.

Emily and/or Haley’s like, “well, I’m not going on a date with anyone but you, soooo.” He’s literally awful at letting her down. Emily and/or Haley goes to Danielle and is like, “So what would happen if Dean and I went on a date?” And Danielle’s like, “He’s an adult, he can make choices, if he’s interested, he should go.” She’s so wonderfully composed while also being like, “I will kill you.” Emily and/or Haley asks Dean again and he says no, he wouldn’t, he’s not interested.

Adam and Raven spent the entire episode in that hammock.

Emily and/or Haley react like mature adults about getting rejected and being forced to go on dates with JACKSTONE and Buster Bluth because the guys they’re actually interested in didn’t want to. No, they call JACKSTONE a serial killer and basically react with disgust about Jonathan, and call Danielle and Taylor (respectively) “ugly whores” because... they’re dating the guys the twins are interested in?

I fucking hate them. This is actually middle school behavior. No one has to yield your ridiculous demands.

There’s an actually sweet scene where Derek and Taylor admit that they’re falling in love with each other. I mostly commend Taylor for wearing fake eyelashes constantly.

Emily and/or Haley aren’t excited about their date, even calling their dates “douchebags”. JACKSTONE is feeling hesitant about going, and decides he’s not going on the date. He essentially ghosts them because he’d rather hang with Kristyn, which I think is hysterical. I would be insulted too if someone chose Kirsten over me. JACKSTONE is such an adult about it when he tells the girls that he’s not going on their date, and they’re the god damn worst.

They literally say to his face “I asked you out becuase there was no one else left and I felt bad for you - do you think I would want to be with someone who’s been with Scallop Fingers, serial killer?” All the other contestants are saying he’s an idiot for not going, but I agree with him. Don’t go on a date with someone who doesn’t want you. Emily and/or Haley fucking explodes and they’re like “FUCK ALL Y’ALL WE OUTTA HERE.” They literally throw scallops and Jonathan’s like, “Ew, no.”10

JACKSTONE gets my favorite line of the night when he’s like, “The twins are going to be fine - they’ll go home, watch Frozen, play with their fidget spinners, and they’ll be alright.”

The rest of the episode is the couples being all gross. They’re all like, “We’ve known each other ten days! This is going to last forever!!!!!!” Chris Harrison shows up and drops the bomb: This is our last day in Paradise.

Next Week: The “shocking finale”, relationships are collapsing, Fanty Sweetz, and Kristan may lose her virginity. Finally. Oh, reunion? Gross. WHY WOULD YOU FORCE CORINNE AND DEMARIO TOGETHER? JESUS. Oh, and Derek totally proposes to Taylor. Pffft. I'm so happy this season is over.

Random Assessments from the Desk of Amanda:

I hate how many times this show has made me write the word “tickle”.

How much do you think Ben Z. and Matt were paid to give out roses to keep Danielle and Jasmine (respectively) there? Ben Z probably was going to leave last week but they needed him to extend the Dean/Kristina/Danielle narrative, and Matt looked miserable when he came back to deliver his rose.

Dean needs a fucking therapist.

I literally cannot stand any of the people left.

I found out that Danielle owns an ice cream shop and I like her so much more now.

Can this officially be the end of The Twins’ 15 minutes? Please?

You know who Krysten reminds me of? Kenley on Project Runway season 5.

The second episode this week was one of the worst episodes in this show’s history. I know this is trash TV, but god.

At one point I literally said “I don’t care, Wells,” out loud and my boyfriend went “You have so broken up with Wells.”

My thoughts on Arie as The Bachelor: Good on him, I suppose? I think it’s a true gamble for ABC to pick a guy who hasn’t been involved with the franchise in five years, but Arie might be what is needed to bring the show back to what it was.

You know he’s immature when he’s using the same tactics my kindergarten teacher used to get me to admit that yes, it was me who ate the last Reese’s. I’m an asshole. ↩︎

Kind of hot in that beer goggly-sort of way. ↩︎

Once my mother bought these for the house and made us eat them because she wasn’t going to throw away a good box of food. I understand this, and I participated, but BLARG BARF BARF BARF. I’m still getting mini wheat crumbs out of my mouth and it’s been 15 years. My family takes cereal very seriously. (Cerealously?) Don’t get me started on the Who Ate All The Lucky Charms Marshmallows Debacle of 2000 or the Nick Ate All The Fruity Pebbles Fiasco of 1998. ↩︎

I laughed when Diggy was like, “Get Fred out of here, I was just getting used to being the only black guy here.” And laughed even harder when Jonathan looks him dead in the eye and goes “I don’t see color,” in the most marvelously faux-braggy way and I’m onto Jonathan now. Jonathan might be this season’s Evan. ↩︎

Dear Christane, you are on a tropical island. It is humid and hot and you will get sweaty. Are you really that confident in your makeup that you think you can get away with not wearing waterproof mascara? I feel you on the contact front, that sucks, but girl. Girl. Gurl. I cannot help you if you do not help yourself. ↩︎

I think it’s really interesting to see the path he’s taken since Joelle’s season. She’s kind of faded back quietly into her normal life with Jordan and he’s shilling sunglasses on Instagram. I don’t think she wanted that, and that’s why she didn’t pick him. Huh. ↩︎

Is it a nickname if it isn’t agreed upon by the person receiving the nickname? Is there are word for an unwanted and hurtful nickname? ↩︎

I actually give the show a lot of credit for not showing a bunch of shots of the guys being like “YEAAAAH SHE’S BISEXUAL IT WOULD BE SO HOT TO WATCH HER MAKE OUT WITH GIRLS” ↩︎

Literally none of the people there know anything about The Twins except that they’re hot. My Ex-Boyfriend Wells calls them a “national treasure” and again, I’m happier and happier that I dumped his ass and left him on the curb. ↩︎

This is the most shoehorned producer manipulation I’ve ever seen. They literally brought the Twins in just to stir shit up and then have them leave. ↩︎