#driving test is in like a week from now and im so fucking anxious

[marinaimsure]

hi. i hate it when im more anxious than usually. makes me act irrationally and more impulsively. and i cant quite control it. meds dont really help in those situation. and i make my friends feel bad with my aggressive behavior. at least, i think i do. i have llived with my enxiety my entire life and while, yeah, i cant regulate it, and yeah, it''s the only thing that consistently ruins my life, the only moment i resent it more than ever is when it becomes a burden for my friends to bear as well, when i place that burden upon them because of my anxiety. they dont deserve this, no one does and i hate it, i hate that they have to deal with that and that they keep dealing with it, not giving up on me as any sensible person would've. i love them so much, i hate making them feel bad or whatever.

[shatterthefragments]

I SWEAR TO FUCK IF IM STRESSING MYSELF INTO BEING SICK AGAIN 😭

Like wouldn’t it be fucking funny (Murphys law and all) if after spending August sick and not testing positive for Covid once over several weeks I tested positive now? (If I don’t sleep enough I wake up with a cough and sore throat. This is normal for me. Food and hot water help though and I’m relatively fine now just tired and anxious. I’m a bit sneezy though (I was outdoors around pollen though) anyway I will be testing before my shower but fuuuuuck (most likely I just need to stick something in my mouth. But shit)

(I’m. As much as I want to be here and see what my friends have shared. Alas I should. Do the things I need to. Because I have to actually be prepared Prepared or else I might fucking kill someone actually. Driving myself to and from work on a familiar route is far different than hours away in The Big City Area and I feel like shit rn tbh)

(…at least part of this is that I need to eat again. But!!! Made it home SUPER QUICK bc the express bus and my connecting buses all lined up PERFECTLY)

Had a dirty pumpkin chai latte possibly decaf (I asked for it to be and I think it was they just ended up calling oat pumpkin chai latte when giving it to me is all so idk for sure for sure bc my thoughts were already racing bc there’s so much for me to do :() and bagel breakfast sandwich this morning (and a donut from another place) and they were really good (I enjoyed the pistachio coconut cream one better last week though) (also I always kinda almost choke on the cinnamon/nutmeg on top of some drinks :()

Ah AND the show I am supposed to see next week is postponed to an unknown date and it’s just. 😔 idk if I’ll still be able to go to whatever date it’ll get rescheduled for.

Really,, I should say that I can in fact work the day I booked off (EXCEPT that I might be able to get to see one of my friends that day!!!) and most likely the schedule is already written (unless they just fucking ignored my day I need off notice bc manager is sick rn and who knows if the asst mgr can actually write schedules bc last time he just copy pasted basically 😬) and. Regardless. I could go in anyway bc I want to go see the aquarium.

And also my favourite pants in one pocket has mystery threads so I’m hoping they’re still okay bc I don’t even know where to begin trying to see if/where the problem is let alone how to fix them

[amarillokidding]

So I had a shitty week at my job, I'm thinking of not going back at all. (Something I can do). I don't think the library job is going to hire me, apparently I'm not "qualified" as if this wasn't the job you get so you get experience 😒😒

Right now I'm furiously job hunting, I can't work at food places like mcdonalds anymore, it's gonna kill me. I've worked there for over 5 years and I can't do it anymore.

I applied to like 3 jobs rn that are most likely going to hire me, they're like retail but for stores I would shop at.

My family is in the process of moving again, we're discussing what locations around us would be best based on our jobs and such, and I want to be able to help out more on our rent and bills. So i really need a job.

I'm not a college graduate within my preferred fields, I live 20 minutes away from the nearest cities but near me there's fucking nothing and I can't drive (I'm tryng to learn), I rely on my family to take me anywhere which is only to and back from work and school. I'm autistic and can't work without being allowed to set minor boundaries for what I can and can't do(reason why my week was awful, we have a new boss), and I'm a constant depressive and anxious 25 year old asshole with a Mexican ass name&appearance in the midwest so being treated like a person is IMPOSSIBLE!!! I'm just dealing with personal issues for the past like 20 years and maybe soon it will get better :D.

This july is kicking my ass, but on the good news im still working on art consistently. My sister convinced me to get an ipad like she uses for procreate and I wasn't going to get one but it's way cheaper and testing it out it works well with my way of drawing. I bought one, it's an older generation from online so it was cheaper than a brand new one. It works great and if I get a keyboard for it it could function like a laptop and it's allowed me to work on fanfiction and art more easily. I'll get a proper art setup in the future when I actually do art/writing full-time :').

-----

Some good news! I've decided that when I'm done with the 2nd chapter of my fic I will start uploading. I want to change and start posting art and fics again, I want to grow creatively and I don't want to hide anymore, it's torturous living like this. And I want to start my life NOWWW I'm ready to join in!!! I want to get better!!!!

[mayans-sauce]

Positively Happy

@pantherclawz

Pairing: Coco Cruz x Female Reader

Word Count: 1.6K

Warnings: cursing

Request from anon Hi, if requests are open, I was wondering if I could request a Coco imagine? Where him and the reader had been trying to get pregnant but the reader deals with PCOS, which can make it extremely hard, and the last test she took said negative but she's had symptoms and then gets another test and it says positive? And she surprises Coco and they go to her 1st appt. And they see their baby?

A/N: sorry this is so late! But I hope I did well for this request and that you enjoy it!

You can read about what PCOS is HERE and HERE

Sign up HERE to join my taglist!

GROUP CHAT for updates!

•• Main Masterlist •• Coco Masterlist ••

Coco had explicitly said for years that he didn’t want another kid, not after fucking it up so much with his previous ones. He was glad that he had Letty in his life now and had started to form a relationship with her. A year or two after having Letty in his life, he got to know you, the love of his life, and he felt blessed and happy that he had his two favorite women with him. That was all he needed, and frankly, so did you.

You had both agreed that having your own kids wasn’t a priority in your life, at least not now, or maybe it never would be, but you still had it open for discussion in case something changed in the future.

And for Coco, it did change. It changed the day your sisters dropped off your niece at your house for a few days because she was going overseas for a week for her job. His eyes opened up for a new possibility for joy and laughter in his life watching you interact with the toddler.

Playing, taking care of her, loving her. He wanted that, he wanted that so bad, he loved your niece, and she loved to be with Coco as well, but he was scared to bring it up to you in case you had changed your mind completely, but eventually, he did, and you were more than happy that he wanted to have kids with you.

He told you he was scared. Scared that he would fuck it up as he did with his two others and Letty. He didn’t believe that he could be a good father, but you and Letty convinced him otherwise, especially Letty. She had told him, even though he hadn’t been by her side most of her life, that she loved him with all her heart and that he was the best dad ever to her.

He then knew that he could do it, be a good and caring father with you and Letty by his side.

The baby-making part wasn’t the hard part of getting pregnant because you and Coco were experts; it was the getting pregnant part that didn’t work. You tried for a long time before you went to a doctor. They diagnosed you with PCOS, which along with a few other problems, also makes it harder to get pregnant, but it was still possible. So the doctor suggested that you try more before you could look into other methods of getting pregnant.

Each test you took came out negative, again and again, and each time your hopelessness increased.

“What does it say?” Coco asked as you both waited in the bathroom for the pregnancy test to get ready. You picked it up and hoped that it would finally say positive. But your face dropped when you looked at the results, and Coco knew what that meant. “Nothin?” “Nothing.”

He let out a long sigh, his heart sinking in his chest. He wrapped his arms around you and yours around him, just holding onto one another and giving each other comfort. “We can try again.”

After a few weeks of trying some more, you and Coco had given up on trying the natural way, so you scheduled an appointment with the doctor to work out some other methods. The appointment was some time away, so the weeks leading up to it, you and Coco hadn’t in your thoughts to make a baby while having sex; you just focused much more on each other than you ever had.

A few days before the appointment, you started to feel a little different. Your period was late since it had always been so irregular, so you didn’t think much of it, but you also woke up feeling very ill. So later in the day, you went to buy a pregnancy test just in case. Coco wasn’t home, so you asked Letty if she could join.

Letty loved you like you were her mother. You were best friends and always was there for one another. “Do you think you're pregnant?” “I… don’t know. I don’t think so, but I just feel different than the other times, so I figured just checking wouldn’t hurt.”

When the timer on your phone went off, you lifted the stick straight to your face to look at it, not thinking so much of it because you were expecting it to be negative as always. To your surprise, it said positive, and your heart started racing. “What?” You said in the tiniest whisper, your eyes glossy with tears that began to form in them.

“Y/N, what is it?” Letty came to stand by your side. “It’s… it’s positive.” “Are you sure?” You gave her the pregnancy test so she could check for herself. “I don’t have an extra to check it, but… it’s never said positive before. This is the first time.” Now Letty was crying and overjoyed with excitement. She hugged you long and hard, and you did as well. Emotions were running all over. “I’m gonna be a big sister.” “You're gonna be a big sister Leticia.”

“I need to call him.” You couldn’t wait for him to come home; you needed him to know right away. His phone went to voicemail, which means he was in Templo because he always answered his phone no matter what except when he was in there. So you sent him a message and a picture.

📲To: My Coco❤️

Let’s hope this means that baby Coco is on the way❤️ I’m so happy❤️

Letty and you moved over to the living room to wait for Coco’s response. Even though it wasn’t 100% sure that you even were pregnant, you started talking and planning for the baby already. What gender you wanted it to be. Letty wanted it to be a girl while you wanted a little Coco running around, but regardless of what, you would all love the baby no matter what. The future for the baby and all the adventures you all would go on.

Fifteen minutes later, the phone rang with Coco’s face lighting up the screen, and you picked up in a second. “Is-is it real,” his voice was shaky as he spoke; you could hear that he was on the verge of tears. “Yes, Johnny, it's real… it’s so real.” He told you he was on his way home to you. He didn’t care about the club or anything other than you right now.

When he arrived, he wouldn’t let go of you, holding onto you as his life depended on it. Letty joined in the cuddling and love. After some time, he got down on his knees so that his head was at level with your belly. His hand softly caressed it as he talked in a gentle voice, “I hope you are in there, little one. I love you so fucking much.” Only the appointment in a few days could tell, so you didn’t entirely hold onto the hope that you were pregnant, but you all wanted it to be real, so you acted that it was.

A few days later, at the doctor's appointment, you, Letty, and Coco all held your breath as they searched for a glimpse that you were pregnant. Coco held your hand tightly as he watched the screen, his leg bouncing up and down in anticipation. Letty held tightly onto her father, just as nervous and anxious as him. To your luck, they found evidence that you were indeed pregnant, and all of you were overjoyed at the news.

Letty squealed in happiness as Coco started lightly crying at the discovery of his entire world changing for the better, but the doctor told you that it might be too soon to celebrate. Because of your PCOS, there was a bigger chance for you to have a miscarriage or other complications with the pregnancy. So you would need to be closely monitored and taken care of.

Coco vowed from that day that you wouldn’t do any hard work around the house or anywhere else. He, Letty, and the rest of the guys would do everything for you. All you needed to do was sit your pretty ass down and relax as they all treated you like a queen.

A few weeks had passed, you and Coco were on the way to the doctor again for another appointment. This time hoping to know the sex of the baby. Coco was driving with one hand on the steering wheel and his other hand playing with your fingers, which always calmed him down. The window was down as the warm wind of Santo Padre seeped into the car.

“I hope it’s a girl,” he admitted. He had told you since the pregnancy was confirmed that his dream was to have a baby girl. A sweet and beautiful little creature that looked exactly like you that he would protect with his whole heart and kill anyone that dared to harm her.

“I hope it’s a boy.” You could see in your dream a little miniature Coco. Him and his father running around in the yard playing together as they laughed in the grass like it was the funniest thing ever. The two being messy boys and getting into trouble all the time and hiding it from mommy.

But you knew no matter what you found out today at the doctors that the little miracle in your belly would be loved unconditionally by everyone in your lives no matter what.

━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━

Let me know what you think❤️

GENERAL TAGLIST: @everyhowlmarksthedead @-im-fantastic- @idorkish @bishopslosawife @witching-hour @rosieposie0624 @jessprins13 @skyofficialxx @glamourglambert @jasminee97 @starrynite7114 @gemini0410 @rocketqueen @mack-jay @megapeacelovemusic-blog @weasleytwins-41 @achievement-hunters-blog54 @taurean-brat @multifandom.girlie

MAYANS MC TAGLIST: @blessedboo @60shannon @bellisperennis0 @capnsaveahoe @diaryofkali @behindmyeyes-insidemyhead @xvvalx @missswritings @theocatkov @pinguinstudiert @chibsytelford @encounterthepast @rawrlittlepanda-95 @beeroses

[dmc-tings]

DMC Gang Teaching their s/o how to drive

Dante

Uh, yeah he knows how to drive

But... he's not the best teacher

Usually ends up asleep in the back

Cause he trusts you to figure it out

One day though, damn near changed his life

You smashed into a newspaper stand

The impact woke him from his nap

You were holding on to the steering wheel for dear life

Tears welled up in your eyes and he immediately pulled you into his lap

Kicking the door open, hauling both of you out of Morrison's now wrecked car

Dante was more concerned about you

You still hadn't said anything, just letting tears fall down your face

He checked you over, he was silent as well

Pissed at himself for letting his negligence, almost get you killed

The cops showed up, after a kind soul called them

An ambulance got to the scene and checked the pair of you over

While the paramedics looked you over, Dante called Vergil and Nero

The pair made it to the scene in Nico's van

But it wasn't just the two of them, the whole crew came

Kyrie and Lady rushed to your side, Lady shoving the paramedics and cops away from you

Kyrie got you talking, letting you weep onto her shoulder

Dante got a scolding from Vergil and Trish

Something along the lines of, "How could you be so wreckless." And "You knew that was dangerous, Dante."

He wasn't listening tho, he watched you cry into Kyrie's arms, while Lady rubbed your back comfortingly

Once the scene cleared out, it was just you and the crew

Oh! And a confused and angry Morrison

"How the hell.... Dante, you know your paying for this."

Your half-devil finally made his way to you, for once (and during this whole thing) speechless

His head hung, he didn't need Vergil, Trish or Lady to scold him

He was beating himself up over this

You looked up from Kyrie and Lady, throwing yourself into his arms

Crying out "I'm sorry's" and "I should have been more careful's"

He shushed you, burying his face in your shoulder, "Im sorry. I should have been paying more attention."

He silently cried into your neck

After that day, Dante took more care in paying more attention to your driving

Once you got your license though, he still took naps

Or so you thought

The devil man would only be resting

Peeking at you every so often

Vergil

You stood awkwardly in the archway of your shared bedroom

Vergil giving you a (visibly) shocked look

You wanted him to what?

"Verg? Did you hear me?" You shuffled your feet abit, again

He blinked at you

Dumbfounded, flabbergasted, and down right appalled

"You.. You want me to..."

You looked away, abit ashamed

But to your defense, you could and had always walked everywhere in Red Grave

You really didn't need to drive, unless you went to the beach or somewhere out of town

But.... Vergil didn't know how to drive either, he had spent the last 20 something years in hell

And the last thing he thought he would ever be asked to do or teach was FUCKING DRIVE

He shook his head, not saying anything to you

You bit your lip and looked away from him

You misunderstood his head shaking

Then his face flushed, letting out a grumble

"I dont know how to drive."

And in his defense, he just teleports or opens a portal to where he wants to go

You straightened up, "Wh-what?"

Great, you were back at square one

Vergil gave a small cough, "Why do you need to learn how to drive?"

You looked at your feet, "I just wanted to learn..."

In all honesty, Nero had teased you about being an adult, and not knowing how to drive

It made you feel low

Vergil gave a huff, noticing your hesitation

"Who." He stood up

You looked at him, "Ver-"

"Was it Dante? No... he barely knows how to drive..." his eyes flashed

You grabbed his arm, but it didn't stop him

He slashed open a portal, right into the shop

"Who teased (him/her)." It wasn't a question, a demand for the person who insulted his sweetheart

"Vergil. Please stop..."

Everyone in the shop looked at Nero, who had his headphones in

Vergil let out a growl and pushed you behind him

"Teach them how to drive!" He snarled, slicing the headphones off of his son's head

Nero shot up and got ready to fight back, but stopped when he realized what was happening

"Uh... sure... i-"

"Both of us."

Dante burst onto laughter, realizing what Vergil was getting at

Nero looked at Nico, "uh... can we-"

"Oh hell nah!"

At a loss Nero looked at you and his dad

"Well.... uh... i-"

Vergil scoffed, throwing a few summoned swords at his cackling brother

Then he pulled you close, "Tease them about not knowing how to drive again, and you'll feel my wrath."

He took you back home

After setting you on your feet and giving you a kiss on the forehead, he returned to his reading

"So..."

"You have me. No need to drive."

And that was the end of that

Nero

Nero sat in the van in the driver's seat

You in his lap

You insisted that he sit in the passenger seat

But the part-devil placed you in his lap

Now he was scratching his head

"Nero?" You looked at him with big puppy dog eyes

He looked down at you, "Yeah?"

"Do you know what your do-"

Nero waved his gauntlet clad hand

"Of course, I got this."

He, poorly, started to explain the gears, buttons and switches in front of you

"Aight. So. You got the gear shift, I think it's a stick. And the... uh... windshield wipers. And the lights in front, and the brights..."

'Oof,' you thought, 'I could have just asked Dante... and got just about the same experience.'

You drummed your fingertips on the steering wheel

Finally, tired of your boyfriend droning on, you turned the key and started the van

Nero jumped, then patted you on the head, pointing at the 3 pedals at your guys feet

"Well since your in my lap, I'll work the pedals. Just tell me when to speed up and slow down. Ok?"

You nodded, "Alright! Nice and slow though."

From here, using team work, you and Nero made your way around the block

Slow and steady

Then Nero hit the breaks a bit too hard

You nailing your forehead on the steering wheel

"Shit! Nero!" You leaned back rubbing your sore head

"S-sorry! There was a old lady crossing the street..." he mumbled

Then leaned forward a bit, examining your forehead

He sucked his teeth, "Shiiiiit. That looks bad babe...."

"No shit." You barked

You felt your boyfriend flinch at your tone

After the pain passed you patted him on the arm, that was wrapped around you

"Its ok. Good thing you stopped though." You pointed at the old lady still trying to cross the street

Nero nodded, grunting with agreement

"I... I think thats enough driving for the day."

Nero gave another nod, letting you crawl into the passenger seat

He made way back to the garage/shop

Once parked he looked at you

And you gave him a smile

"Thanks. That was pretty fun!"

Nero gave a small laugh, "I suppose it was, save for you bashing your skull on the wheel."

You huffed, poking out your lip, "Not entirely my fault."

V

(Yes, I include him, cause some people like him. And personally I like his character as well)

You and V were cuddling in the living room of your apartment

You leaned into his chest, watching tv, as he read from his book and gently running a hand through your hair

"V." You spoke lifting your head

He gave an acknowledging hum, looking to you from his book

"Can you teach me how to drive?"

He looked at you, his mind drawing a blank

As Vergil, he never drove, hell they barely walked

"Love, I've never driven.... Ever." He told you gently

You looked forward at his chest, searching your mind, trying to figure out who you could ask to teach you how to drive

V cocked his head at you, wondering what was going through your mind

You looked up, eyes shining, "we could learn together! There's plenty of books on driving!"

V's eyes lit up as well, your excitement fueling his

"Oh? Where to we begin then?"

You both sat up, you grabbing your phone and V sitting up with you

"Well the DMV would be a good start. They can give us all the info to study."

"There's a written test?" V asked, he knew he could pass that

You nodded, not looking up from your phone"Yes. And there is a driving segment as well."

V froze and looked down at you, but seeing you so excited, he didn't want to ruin your fun

Later you both got everything from the DMV

And at V's insistence, the library as well

You both spent weeks reading and learning

Even convincing Nico to let you practice and take the driving part of the test, using her van

Eventually when it was time for the tests, you both where prepared

You passed them with flying colors

Ignoring the dangerous tips Nico gave you

When it was V's turn, he passed the written exam

But hesitated when it was time to get into the van

He stood at the driver's door, hand on it

You walked to his side, gently putting your hand in his

"V? You can do it. Just don't think too hard about it."

He looked at you to speak, but you cut him off, sealing his lips with a kiss

Happy, he climbed in

You sat alone in the DMV, anxious

He came back with the instructor minutes later, beaming proudly

"You were correct, my dear. I didn't overthink."

He pulled you into a hug, after you both got your licenses

[coffeecupsandquiet]

ISOLOPHILIA

“If you're lonely when you're alone, you're in bad company.” ― Jean-Paul Sartre

Basic Information

Full name: Jordan Rojas

Pronunciation: JOR-DAN RO-HAAS

Nickname(s): dont even think about it

Birthdate: January 12

Age: 23

Zodiac: Capricorn 

Gender: Cis-male

Pronouns: he/him

Romantic orientation: homoromantic

Sexual orientation: he is what the kids call, morosexual….. Jk homosexual

Nationality: American

Ethnicity: mixed (hesitate to comment beyond Italian due to my inability to track down definitive sources of Rob Raco’s ethnicity)

Current location: miami baBY

Living conditions: immaculate and modernly simplistic. A clean house is a calm house.

 Background

Birthplace: unknown

Hometown: Chicago

Social Class: upper middle? I think?

Educational achievements: nothing formal, but he does consume books at an unhealthy rate

Father: unknown

Mother: unknown

Sibling(s): unknown

Birth order: unknown

Pets: ABSOLUTELY YES OF COURSE! He has five sweet honeys, one queen named Melon, and four beautiful kittens, Cantaloupe, Sugar, Honeydew, and Galia. Fun fact, but all of the kittens names are names of melons. 

Previous relationships: non existent….. lol

Arrests: ….uhhhhhhh, absolutely not

Prison time: ^^^^^^^

 Occupation & Income

Current occupation: he do be a thief for a crime organization tho

Dream occupation: a librarian… or maybe an archivist for a famous museum…. yeah

Past job(s): being a full time SQUARE

Spending habits: hm, careful with his money, but will spend extra to make sure what he is wearing/doing/seeing is up to his standards

In debt?: this is MY fantasy and in it, i have NO DEBT so NO 

Most valuable possession: his babies… but followed up by his gold leafed edition of the Grimme Fairytales.

 Skills & Abilities

Physical strength: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: pre-determined that he lifts to carry the homies

Speed: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: do you really think you’d catch him running in gucci shoes? no

Intelligence: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: jordan says ‘fuck the school system!’ and then read books forever

Accuracy: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: jordan is very good with powers, but uh, i don’t know if he’s good with a gun. I imagine he’d flinch at the recoil

Agility: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: he’s a bit of a snake, but erm, not enough to be considered wily i think

Stamina: Above Average | Average | Below Average

Note: he goes to the gym, but not for endurance so-

Teamwork: hell no. total lone wolf, which is why it's a miracle he gets along with Len

Talents/hobbies: reading, obviously, but he also dabbles in piano and writing I think. Lets make fun of Jordan for writing bad poetry!!!!! Im going to throw that nerds books in the fountin

Shortcomings: stubborn as hell and also extremely stuck up. Partially because he is naturally untrusting but also partially because hes kind of a dick. 

Languages spoken: English and conversational Spanish

Drive?: hell no, hes gay

Jump-start a car?: hell no, hes gay

Change a flat tyre?: hell no, hes gay

Ride a bicycle?: yes, but the last time he did he was like 8 or something so

Swim?: yes! He actually likes it I think, but usually only if he’s alone. 

Play an instrument?: Piano! 

Play chess?: Obviously. Not seriously or anything, but he can play.

Braid hair?: Yes! He plays with his own hair when he’s bored. 

Tie a tie?: oh my god yes of COURSE he does. If he didn’t he would have to bully himself.

Pick a lock?: he’d be a pretty shit thief if he couldn’t

Cook?: yes! Nothing quite like knowing what to cook with his nice white wine

 Physical Appearance & Characteristics

Faceclaim: Rob Raco

Eye colour: blue

Hair colour: black

Hair type/style/length: shoulder length and wavy

Glasses/contacts?: contacts

Dominant hand: left

Height: 5’9”

Weight: i don’t want to answer this because i don’t know

Build: slender and lightly defined

Exercise habits: i feel so embarrassed admitting that jordan do be lifting three times a week

Skin tone: i….. Golden? idk

Tattoos: contrary to his many gifs, he doesn’t have any i don’t think

Piercings: his ears are definitely pierced though

Marks/scars: some scars from some “playful” rough housing. Nothing too extreme, just a nick on his left calf and a hidden one in his right eyebrow. 

Clothing style: clean cut. He prefers dress shirts and slacks for most occasions, and is rarely seen dressed down further than a short sleeve button up. Putting on his clothes is like putting up a front. Just a reminder to hold everyone at a distance. 

Jewellery: he does have a watch and earrings and perhaps a couple of necklaces

Allergies: none

Diet: vegetarian i have just decided right here right now

Physical ailments: none

 Psychology

I did a test with Jordan in mind for each of these fuckers.

MBTI type: INTJ-A: Bookish and reclusive are two words to describe this type, and that lines up pretty well with Jordan’s personality as well. They value themselves more so than the relationships they make, and pride themselves on getting things done. 

Enneagram type: Type 6: the Loyal Skeptic. Taken from the website “The committed, security-oriented type. Sixes are reliable, hard-working, responsible, and trustworthy. Excellent "troubleshooters," they foresee problems and foster cooperation, but can also become defensive, evasive, and anxious—running on stress while complaining about it”

Moral Alignment: Chaotic Neutral- Driven by their own purposes, willing to do anything to secure themselves. They aren’t inherently evil, but are only usually only good when it serves their purposes.

Temperament:  Take from the website: Phlegmatic - The phlegmatic temperament is fundamentally relaxed and quiet, ranging from warmly attentive to lazily sluggish. Phlegmatics tend to be content with themselves and are kind. They are accepting and affectionate. They may be receptive and shy and often prefer stability to uncertainty and change. They are consistent, relaxed, calm, rational, curious, and observant, qualities that make them good administrators. They can also be passive-aggressive.

Element: Earth

Emotional stability: At the moment in our time line, horrid. Non existent. He is just a giant ball of feelings and he HATES IT because usually he is very put together. 

Introvert or Extrovert? Incredibly introverted, if it wasn’t already obvious.

Obsession(s): Books! Clearly. But also his cats as well as fashion and cleanliness and coffee!!!!!

Compulsion(s): Making sure all of his mugs are facing the same direction in the cabinet.

Phobia(s): Claustrophobia 

Addiction(s): none

Drug use: Remember the Jordan is a pot head meme. Yeah. That

Alcohol use: usually just a glass or two of wine. Nothing to big. Usually. 

Prone to violence?: Heavens no! For all of his lifting, if someone threw a punch at him he’d probably run away.

Prone to crying?: Not in front of people, but he can be a weepy drunk depending on the time nad place

Believe in love at first sight?: Although he is a realist, he has a very very romantic and soft heart, so this one is a yes, although he would never admit it.

 Mannerisms

Accent: American

Speech quirks: talks like he’s a bored victorian scholar

Hobbies: reading, writing, playing piano, playing with cats, making coffee.

Habits: sleeping with a light on

Nervous ticks: he touches his hair when he’s nervous or thinking

Drives/motivations: his biggest motivation is staying alive and safe from the government. He knows his power could be used to hurt everyone, not just him, and that is important because there is safety in numbers. Also, he knows that there are mutants who will help him just because he is one of them. 

Fears: being taken and tested on or used against other mutants. There is litcherally no fear greater than that for him

Sense of humour?: dry and sardonic. Usually takes amusement in knowing more than you

Do they curse often?: Heavens no! If they are cursing, they are either drunk, scared, surprised, or PISSED OFF. or all of them together LMAO 

 Favorites

Animal: cat for obvious reasons

Beverage: a classic latte, for obvious reasons

Book: The Door into Summer by Robert A. Heinlein

Colour: Mahogany 

Food: Yogurt and berries

Flower: traditional roses, because he is a romantic

Gem: Mahogany Obsidian

Mode of transportation: Foot or bus

Scent: Lily and lets be real, good kush

Sport: he’s gay…...

Weather: sunny rainshower

Vacation destination: into his own bed and then no one bothers him

 Attitudes

Greatest dream: to not feel hunted no matter where he goes. He also wants to settle down with someone whom he loves and who loves him, because romance is something he has always fantasized about

Greatest fear: dying before he’s ready, but worse so, being captured and used against his will

Most at ease when: he’s snuggling up with his cats with a nice book

Least as ease when: he is in a high stress situation with no familiar faces.

Worst possible thing that could happen: being captured and used

Biggest achievement: Securing his place in the Kings and consequently out of the police as soon as he possibly could once he turned 18.

Biggest regret: Never resisting the orders of those in his foster home.

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

*insert lame & corny end of year summation post here*:

hmm. 2019. funny that the decade is almost over. but this year has been tumultuous, to say the least. or, as an exchange from a movie that is now 20 years old, (what the actual fuck?) states:

“people perceive you as somewhat.....”

“tempestuous?”

“heinous bitch is the term most used most often.”

and that’s to say the most, in the least amount of words. but i’ve never been good at staying short, precise & succinct. colouring inside those ever annoying lines. oh no. no! no! no! i will i 𝙉𝙊𝙏 stick to the status quo of being a well-trained english and philosophy graduate. here’s the ever so long-winded low down, a few days early, if anyone cares to read.

this year I realised a lot of things... but the main big thing I learnt is that I can’t be 1000% “on” all the time with my uni stuff, otherwise i’ll burn out. and that’s what i did. i burnt out. i burnt out fucking hard. at first, i started turning in most of my assignments late. then, i stopped turning in assignments altogether. then i ignored all of my professors. I didn’t explain anything. just stopped doing my work altogether. and disappeared completely off the face of the earth from my course.

“but gwladys/ilona! that’s SOOOO unprofessional and un-adult of you!” everyone says in a tone of reprimand. i know. i know. i know. but you’re talking to the person that never asks for help. that refuses to ask for extensions, bc by fucking god she knows that she’ll get it done by the due date deadline.... even if means that she’ll hyped on coffee, 2 minute noodles and chocolate till 3am every time she does it. high functioning brain-scatter bitch is in full mode all the time.... just until she just can’t do it anymore... and so then crashes and burns spectacularly. we know that im dramatic. that much hasn’t changed 😂. also I’ve learnt that maybe I should 𝙖𝙘𝙩𝙪𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙖𝙨𝙠 for help, every once in a while.

so, anyway. to get back on track. by the end of august then, I was stagnant. morose. uncaring. mentally, it was: 𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙖𝙢 𝙞 𝙧𝙞𝙜𝙝𝙩 𝙣𝙤𝙬???? 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩. 𝙬𝙝𝙖𝙩 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙖𝙢 𝙞 𝙙𝙤𝙞𝙣𝙜???? 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩. 𝙙𝙤 𝙞 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙣𝙚𝙚𝙙 𝙩𝙤 𝙨𝙥𝙚𝙣𝙙 𝙪𝙥 𝙩𝙤𝙬𝙖𝙧𝙙𝙨 80-𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜-𝙜𝙧𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙤𝙣 𝙢𝙮 𝙨𝙩𝙪𝙙𝙞𝙚𝙨 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙩𝙧𝙖𝙞𝙣𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙖𝙣𝙙 𝙨𝙩𝙞𝙡𝙡 𝙜𝙚𝙩 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙞𝙣𝙜 𝙣𝙤𝙬𝙝𝙚𝙧𝙚????? 𝙞𝙨 𝙞𝙩 𝙧𝙚𝙖𝙡𝙡𝙮 𝙬𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙝 𝙞𝙩, 𝙖𝙛𝙩𝙚𝙧 𝙖𝙡𝙡??? 𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩 and finally, 𝙬𝙝𝙮 𝙩𝙝𝙚 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠 𝙖𝙧𝙚 𝙢𝙮 20𝙨 𝙨𝙤 𝙛𝙪𝙘𝙠𝙮????𝙩𝙮𝙥𝙚 𝙨𝙝𝙞𝙩. all in all I asked my self frequently: “𝚊𝚖 𝚒 𝚛𝚎𝚊𝚕𝚕𝚢 𝙱𝚄𝙸𝙻𝚃 𝚏𝚘𝚛 𝚙𝚘𝚜𝚝𝚐𝚛𝚊𝚍???? 𝚘𝚛 𝚊𝚖 𝚒 𝚓𝚞𝚜𝚝 𝚍𝚘𝚒𝚗𝚐 𝚒𝚝 𝚝𝚘 𝚊𝚟𝚘𝚒𝚍 𝚎𝚟𝚎𝚛𝚢𝚝𝚑𝚒𝚗𝚐???” and “more than likely nah and also yeah.” was my answer. to say that I was “just tired” would be an understatement. i was fucking exhausted. weary. fatigued. bushwhacked. just utterly fuckin’ buggered. all the while, there’s a nagging voice of baby boomer somewhere that says that: “you imbecilic brat! you can’t burn out while studying! it’s not a real job! get a real job first and THEN you’ll know what burnout REALLY IS.” when, in fact, i’ve been in tertiary study non-fucking-stop (bar uni breaks- although even on my uni breaks I was never really resting properly- because I’d buy some odd textsbooks and my prescribed texts and read some of them on every uni break) since business college in 2014. like y’all. you see how i got to my wits end??? this is my fifth and a half year in tertiary study. im pretty damn well fucking spent.

within all of the above, i also learnt not to try and cram my first 3,000 word essay ever (bc i avoided subjects with 3,000 word essays in undergrad mostly because i felt like i’d never reach that word limit) into about 6 hours before it was due. i failed a few assignments. then started failing subjects. which wasn’t a first for the first thing (failing assignments), but a first for the latter (failing entire subjects). I was sick and tired of word counts and marks dictating my worth, in a sense.

it’s taken until now to get over this feeling of being stuck, being nowhere. just being a mess. maybe it’s just part of your 20s to feel forever stuck. but will i return to my course next month??? much more renewed, and less worn out, and also less likely to procrastinate til the last minute???? the answer is: i still have no idea. this year was a ride. an omni-shambles, if you will. (there’s a new cool large word that I just pulled from google 😂). maybe it’s just part of your 20s to forever feel stuck and lost 🤷🏻‍♀️😓.

anyway, on a much happier note... 2019 was the year that my ass finally got her Ps. I’m hoping that next year I’ll use them more often though 😂 ah well. at least I finally achieved that huge hurdle. I also got back into my old hobbies of going to concerts and doing find-a-word puzzles (which is just this last week actually). the concert got me out of the house for the first time in months, where as the puzzles are helping me reconnect with my love of language (which I felt that I kind of lost through uni assignments in undergrad tbh) and just solving puzzles in general.

the final year of the 2010s has been a tumultuous and heinous bitch. a rough patch of sucky-ness. a dead end feeling. this was all mixed with a huge wave of relief with getting my licence after many years (almost 10 years) of putting it off for most of the time.... then being severely anxious during the learning process after having a shitty instructor in 2014 who told me that “no one in the in this area will ever bother to teach you to drive, because your driving is just that awful! stick with me and I’ll teach you!” which admittedly put me off learning to drive for a fucking whole ass year. then I finally got it 5 years later after 2 more instructors, and one who was dedicated to helping actually get my Ps. I’m glad that work finally paid off (even if it means I failed quite a few times).

“what will 2020 bring you?” inquires the lame buzzfeed/facebook personality test. idefk, buzzfeed or lame fb personality test: that’s either of your jobs to tell me. not mine 😂. but let’s hope it’s better than 2019.

finally, in my typical нυмвℓε ιηтεяηεт мεмε ғαямεя σηℓιηε ρεяsσηα fashion, have a meme to let you laugh into the new year.

[thevmontgomery]

Wake Me Up When It’s Over

Summary: Vanessa and Vince take Rocky to get the two boys’ DNA test done when things take an unfortunate turn.

tagging ––– @vincevanbro

Vince: he never gets anxious, rarely ever anticipates anything anymore. butterflies in your stomach can be hard to feel when you accept bad news as your norm, and strife and misfortune seem to rule your existence. but in this moment, as he waits for vanessa to come bounding out of the house with his prospective child in tow, he grips the steering wheel tight and sighs and jiggles his foot impatiently. maybe it’s the confusion of it all that’s got him so uneasy, the fact that he’s not sure what news he’s hoping for—that he’s rocky’s father, or that he isn’t. the sight of them makes him sit up a little straighter on instinct, always wanting to seem in control and relaxed and like nothing ever gets to him. dark hues do a final scan of his interior for blunt ashes and weed crumbs, not wanting to give vanessa anymore reason to believe he was an unfit parent. “hey little man” he greets the toddler first, can’t help it, can’t stop looking at him with all his wild hair, and vanessa’s eyes, and what he starting to think is his nose. and once he’s all situated and vanessa slides into her spot in the passenger’s seat her says hello to her too, but softer, more confidential, the way adults talk. calloused fingers shift the car into gear, and they’re off. no turning back now.

Vanessa: "and if you're good and still the whole time, i'll take you to Cold Stone and you can get /whatever/ you want. even sprinkles," vanessa grinned, getting the boy into his shoes. vanessa wasn't too sure how she felt about everything going on. her head had been spinning around this topic for weeks that now it just felt like a relief to finally know. vanessa wouldn't be in the dark regarding her own secrets finally. there were pros and cons to vince being rocky's father. they'd be under the gang's protection for life, tiny would be an amazing uncle, vince made steady money, and vince would do his best to actually be a father and not end up like his own; but at the same time the gang would be obviously still around, vince's impulses were sometimes violent, and the biggest one for vanessa was none of the pros had to do with her. she wanted to be with whoever rocky's father was longterm. she didn't want him dealing with stepfathers or her to forever be considered someone's baby mama drama. the second she heard the knock, rocky took off to the door, thankfully waiting to open it for his mother. "vince!" rocky greeted. vanessa allowed rocky to follow vince to the car, giving her time to set the car seat up and in her surprise see the car actually clean for once. "hey vince," she replied meeting his tone. if she wasn't ready before, she sure was now. "ready?" she asked, hoping he was in the slightest as nervous as she was.

Vince: “as I’m ever gonna be” he remarks with eyes trained on the road and music dialed up just slightly. “oh, I forgot—“ he points toward the glove compartment in front of where vanessa sits. “little girls were selling some girl guide cookies on the way over here, said I’d get some for the little man but only if you say he can have em’” she is, after all, his mother. despite however much she denies it, tries to cast it out, or who the father is. they approach a stoplight, slight squeak of his brakes reminding him to get those checked. a car with dark tinted windows pulls up to the passenger’s side, starts revving the engine, and at first he thinks they want to race. he chuckles and nods to vanessa at his side as if to say, not with his “girl” in the car. but they’re unrelenting, and starting to aggravate him, so he rolls down the window to shout, “chill!”but when the driver in the other car follows suit and he gets a glimpse of a familiar set of eyes he freezes. “oh fuck no”

Vanessa: vanessa was shockingly surprised to see the offering vince had brought. she grabbed them from him, offering a genuine smile before looking over the ingredients. the boy in the back was already whining 'please' before vanessa was able to open the box. "you only get two now, okay bud?" she spoke softly. vanessa was so wrapped in making sure rocky was good and not making a mess, she didn't even notice the revving around her. it wasn't until vine shouted out her window that she got worried. "vince...." her voice lingered, the fright apparent in her point. she didn't know right now who she was more scared about, but she knew she'd sacrifice herself before anything happened to rocky. "fuck no, what? vincent maurice bell, do /not/ do what i think you're about to."

Vince: the next few moments go by in slow motion. he reaches for the gun tucked underneath his seat but by the time he can the driver of the black camaro has a barrel pointed toward vanessa, and the only thing more menacing than his finger on the trigger is the gold-toothed grin he wears. “get out the car, alla you get out the car!” he barks, and vince can’t think anything besides why this had to happen today. when things weren’t necessarily good but at the very least supposed to be about family. slow motion turns into think fast, and he shares a glance with vanessa that says to do what he says. trust him, even now when he deserves it the least. he says nothing about rocky, just prays he stays quiet as a mouse in the back and doesn’t witness anything foul. he gets out of the car, but not without tucking his pistol into his back pocket. the thug, who vince knows in the streets as o-dawg, chuckles triumphantly. and another goon hops out the back seat to inspect, “sexy ass” he comments to vanessa under his breath, eyes her in a way that violates. there’s a car approaching, signaling the beginning of the end, but it’s when he starts nearing the backseat, and o-dawg is too busy talking his shit that vince shoots at the man in the driver’s seat, wounding his shoulder. just in time for goon #2 to fling the backdoor open and find baby rocky. desperate, he grabs the baby and stuffs himself back into the camaro. “drive, drive” is all they can hear and before vince can fire off enough bullets they speed off in spite of the red light. and maybe he is his kid, because the rush of devotion he feels in this moment puts him back in the driver’s seat. “let’s go!” he tells vanessa, who is undoubtedly traumatized from what she’s just seen, but vince doesn’t have time for fear, knowing right now seconds were crucial to whether rocky comes out alive. “we’re on they ass” he says, putting petal to the medal.

Vanessa: and just like that vanessa was back to that small child looking to vince for answers as she moved slowly out of the car. vanessa kept her eyes on vince, away from rocky to make sure that they didn't bother looking towards the back. anything to keep them focused on vince and vanesa and not her baby in the back. her hands were shaking as one of the men circled her, catching the way his eyes lingered on her for far longer than she normally would want. it took everything in her to hold back her spit-fire tongue and just let it all happen. vanessa nods to vince, trying to listen as they do and follow his movements. he'll figure it out. he'll keep the same, he promised. that is when the world crashes in and gun shots run through her head. vanessa doesn't think twice and runs to the backseat but is stopped by the other guy who already has rocky. "nessa! nessa!" the little boy screams as he's pulled into the other car. "rocky! rocky! let him out! let him out!" vanessa's banging on the door as it quickly speeds from under her. her vision is blurred by her own tears as the car continues to zoom past them. vanessa jumps into the passenger side door, "you promised! you fucking promised!" vanessa screams as the car takes off. her heart was pounding at a million miles a minute as it felt like the distance between their car and vince's only grew. that attachment that she thought she'd never feel for rocky was growing and that mother instinct of fight or flight was trying to kick in. all the walls and coldness she had worked so hard on completely broke at the idea of losing rocky.

Vince: he’s doing his best to race down the road after them, bobbing and weaving between cars, little beads of sweat gathering on his forehead. “fuck vanessa, do you think i planned this!” he counters frustrated and trying to focus, because the distance between the two cars is growing no matter how much he floors it, pushing his mercury to speeds it’s never reached before. but he can’t catch them. they’re too far gone, and he realizes when the black camaro turns onto the expressway and they’re stuck behind two cars at a red light that this chase is futile. “fuck!” he exclaims, punching the steering wheel. “im sorry v, i’m so sorry” words he isn’t sure he’s ever uttered before in his life, perhaps he knew all along to save them for a moment like this. the deep and dying breath of their chance at a family.

Vanessa: Vanessa's body froze over for a moment. It felt as if everything emotion she had ever held back was finally hitting her and Vanessa couldn't stop herself from completely falling a part. She just stared at the red light before a ball of tears came down her face. The flood gates had opened as she curved into herself. She could hear his sorries as she lifted her head up for a moment, her head falling into his lap as her tears continued to fall.

Vince: he wants to say that he’ll get him back, that rocky will make it out alive and unharmed but he’s made too many promises that have fallen through lately, and he can’t make another. so instead he just holds her, the way he knows she needs to be held, and quickly wipes at the single tear that falls from his face.

[garnetislovegarnetislife]

people seemed to like my “hargreeves as coparents” post so here’s some headcanons about allison’s pregnancy

link to original post

my first issue was figuring out what jobs they would have, because i think they might stay as vigilantes into their adulthood this time around, but they also definitely need a day job.

also, as i mentioned in the previous post, they don’t really want to be apart, so they each get jobs that dont require them to leave the vicinity

my thought process was that diego would actually finish police academy and become a detective, vanya would stay on the orchestra and remain a violin teacher (no creepy guys allowed), and allison would become a broadway actress (bitch was elphaba in wicked and angelica in hamilton). the others are harder to figure out, but i think klaus would actually use his power for his job and become a legit medium, ben might become a book critic, luther would become a security guard somewhere, and five would be a physics teacher

alternatively, they all go to work at a school, and luther and diego are rival gym teachers, allison is a theater teacher, klaus is a german teacher, five is still a physics teacher, ben is an english teacher, and vanya is a music teacher

now to the kiddo

in the months leading up to allison’s baby’s birth, the hargreeves minus her are freaking the fuck out. they’ve barely spent anytime with a baby before, so the concept of raising one is incredibly foreign to them

they just dont want to be their father

allison spends the whole time rolling her eyes at them, but secretly she’s insanely grateful that her brothers and sister are so dedicated to helping her raise her baby

that is, up until diego and luther try to get her to stop doing any sort of physical activity five weeks into her pregnancy

“i mean cmon, at least vanya, klaus, and ben waited until i was seriously showing to start freaking out about that” “yeah cuz theyre idiots” “wow fuck you too diego”

five never says anything about it, but he’s pretty much freaking out about anything even 1% dangerous from the moment he finds out his sister is pregnant

vanya really pressures her to go on an insanely healthy diet about two months in. she also is the one trying to force allison to take those vitamins pregnant woman are supposed to take, and pretty much slaps any coffee out of her hand from the moment they find out she’s pregnant to like six weeks after she gives birth

five is worried but sympathetic

ben declares that vanya has an automatic unfair advantage over the rest of them because she is the only real candidate for godmother, while there are five of them in the running for godfather

“thats really sweet that you think any of those other idiots have a chance of becoming my child’s godfather”

klaus is by far the most relaxed about it, surprisingly. he thinks that they’re really going a little overboard, but he’s glad that they’re at least assured that allison will make it through the pregnancy fine. he is very anxious to meet his niece/neohew though.

they don’t even tell any of their parents about allison’s pregnancy until she’s five months along and diego manages to sneak grace out the apartment. she immediately dotes on allison

pogo finds out a week later when he asks where she was

and reggie finds out two weeks after that after interrogating pogo about it

he sends a kindly worded letter in the mail to them in the form of a rant chewing allison out for having a child out of wedlock, demanding to know who the father is, and insisting he be informed the moment the baby is born so that he can test to see whether or not they have powers

klaus sends a response letter telling him to fuck off, and they all sign it

matthew clark hargreeves is born in mid december, 2019

they’re all at work that day, so allison is visiting her theater when her water suddenly breaks, and they rush her to the hospital

vanya and ben are both home so they’re able to rush over there asap

diego however is in the middle of questioning a witness when he gets the call over walkie talkie, so he has to put his case on a brief halt because he’s too panicked to drive himself over, so patch drives him

luther almost doesnt hear about it because he’s working as a bouncer at a particularly loud club, where the manager has to shout about fifteen times to get his attention. luther also gives no fucks, so he kind of leaves the club in chaos when he rushes off to go to the hospital

klaus is in the middle of a seance that he ends up cutting short. one of the ghosts he’s talking to actually has to catch his attention and tell him

five is in the middle of a lecture when he gets called by the office. he hates getting calls over the school’s landline though, and ignores it. eventually, they have to actually end up sending someone down from the office to tell him. he abandons the lecture immediately by teleporting to the hospital

ben and vanya are are obviously already over there, but when the others get to the hospital all hell breaks loose

imagine four guys trying to start a fight or sneak past the desk receptionist in order to get to their sister’s hospital room.

eventually ben goes outside the room and actually goes downstairs to see if they’ve gotten there yet, and sort of facepalms when he hears the commotion cause he just knows

allison is in labor for 16 hours, and in that time span at least 40 fights break out in between different members of the family, and that’s only two person fights

by the time matthew is born, they’re all sweaty, exhausted, and all but allison have at least one broken bone (and im not just talking about their hands), but he’s happy and healthy, and surrounded by seven people who love him so fucking much

i may do a post about allison’s kid growing up soon, but this is about it for now

[taeboos]

baby daddy! taehyung

 okay so like i was gonna work on my prince!taehyung oneshot but i kept thinking about tae being a dad and i just got so emo and here are my ramblings

let me just start off saying that tae would be like the best husband in the entire world like he’d love and care for you with his entire being 

he’d spoon hug you at night time and hold your hand  and whisper how much he loves you in that deep voice by your ear until u fall into a deep sleep while being caressed in his arms 

hes like that kind of guy who would just love to wake you up in the moring tho 

and your like 

tae

no 

its like 7:30 wyd 

and he’s just like the sunshine himself like he shines so bright in the morning and literally he wants to get up early bc he wants to cherish every moment of you being beside him 

jfdklsfjlksdfjls and like!!!!! you’d complain bc like.....ur not the moring type yah know sleep is gr8 and he’d ultimately win bc he has this puppy face and would take ur hands and play with them and swing them to wake you up 

he’s basically a grown child 

okAY and so like why do i not see him being the type to romanticize the whole doing the ‘boom-boom’ 

i feel like he’d be the type to just like rush into it like ‘bAbE I WANT kIDS liKE ASAP’ 

but then again he wouldn’t rush you or pressure you or anything he’d wait for you 

and like one night you did it ok you did the boom-boom alright and like it was great obvs 

ill let u be dirty by yourselves im not going to go into that rn this is a fluff post 

quench ur thirst elsewhere 

anywhoo a few weeks pass and like you are getting that morning sickness yeah? I mean i never been preggers but im going off basic knowledge?? 

so okay like you wake up in the middle of the night like 3 in the morning and like tae wakes up of course and you are like in the bathroom spilling your guts out and at first ur like super confused and tae is worried as hell

but then his eyes just light up out of no where and ur like ??? 

“ARE YOU PREGNANT”??? like the question just busts out of him like a popped balloon ok he’s like half excited and half anxious and worried for you and he starts pacing the bathroom 

and ur like babe??? calm down idk if im pregnant ok i might just be sick?? 

and he looks at you and gets on his knees alright and looks you in the eyes and he just like “im going to walmart” and ur like 

wAIT 

that boy is already out the door with his pajamas still on ok like he gives zero fucks like he needs to know noW 

he slams that pregnancy test on the conveyor belt and he’s legit jumping up and down bc he wants to get back to his wiFE 

and the cashier lady is tired asf and like “whats dis mofo doing here kjdsklgjls” and then she smiles and says “good luck~” 

sO tae gets back home ok and he hands u the thing and ur like alright alrigHT 

and that boy will not leave ur side ok u better know it and ur like tae??? ummmmm can i please pee on this thing in peace thx 

and hes like oh shit sorry 

so u pee on the stick and guess whattttt 

ur preggers 

u kinda just exit the bathroom with a sly smile on your face

and tae has bulging eyes waiting for a response 

“im pregnant” 

you better bet your sweet little ass he’s gonna be all over you he’s gonna be swinging u around and kissing your face and crying 

and seeing him crying makes u cry and next thing you know the next morning your letting the fam know

everyone is just like congrats!!!!!

and now comes the nine months where tae is legit your body gaurd like he is so protective 

he was protective to begin with but now its like he took some super dad power pills and he is always attached to u like everywhere you look tae is there like a leech attached to your back 

like “thATS mY BABY in YOU I GOTTA BE ABLE TO PROTECT TWO AT ONCE NOW” 

hed be feeding you breakfast every morning and go throughout your day eating healthy meals 

gotta make sure that baby is nourished!!!!!!

im crying ok omg breAK 

back ok liSTEN 

you would get that baby bump and he’d rub your belly all the time and he’d jump out of his skin when the baby moves or kicks and he’s just “!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” 

and your lauging and he wants to cry again bc he is so in awe like ?? thats his baby moving around in there 

and he’d want to sing to the baby all the time like 

youd be lying in bed and hed start singing little nursery rhymes and your heart just swells and the baby can detect that sort of thing??? and it starts to move around around and you tell tae that the baby likes his singing and that makes him do it even more often

also not to mention being pregnant is effing painful so he’d always be there to rub your aching back and give you butterfly kisses all the time to ease your pain

okay and then you go and u find out the sex of your baby and like you think its gonna be a boy but tae thinks its gonna be a girl idk why i just feel like tae would want a girl 

so u go and you find out that it’s a girl!!!!!!!!! and tae won’t leave u alone abt how he was right 

and u decide on a name and no doubt its cute ofc 

okay so your whole pregnancy goes like this and so then 

ur water breaks 

oh shit amiright 

tae freaks the fuck out but like not as much as you were 

like your in pain and hoLY FuCK they baby iS coMING nOW 

and yout screaming and tae is trying to be calm but he’s runnning around and trying to get you into the car and he’s freaking out while driving like 

moVE biTCHES mY bABY and WiFE ARE IN THIS CAR 

he’s like speeding down the highway to get to the hospital ok 

this boy has got zero chill 

he half carries you into the hospital and everything happens to fast

hes sitting beside you holding your hand tight as your screaming your lungs out giving birth 

and tae is half-way feeling guilty that you’re going through this pain 

but fAST foRWARD and your healthy baby girl is born!!!! 

and like at first tae was about to bounce on the doctors like he wants his kid now but they had to go clean her up 

and when they finish tae holds her little body in his arms and he’s crying 

“look at her” 

“she’s so beautiful” 

“it’s my baby” 

he looks at you then with tears gleaming in his eyes 

and he brings her over to you and your holding her and you can’t believe you did it 

as ur baby girl grows up like tae is such a protective father 

he’d proababy want to cry if she ever got hurt 

and you notice that as she grew that she had tae’s sparking eyes and gleaming box smile that you always adored you 

she had your cute nose 

and face shape 

Tae would try so hard to make her look so cute like braid her hair and pick out cute clothes and you’d just smile and let him be 

him being happy with your child was enough to make your insides melt 

he’d be that dad who’d volunteer to change the diapers and get up in the morning and your just like babe!!! i got it its fine!!!! im ok i can do it!!!! 

and after seeing you go through that pain for 9 months he wants to repay you back and in turn he also gets to spend time with his kid and he is happy doing it 

youd both play with that baby all the time and be all over the floor with that baby ok and the squeal of joy that erupts from that childs mouth is what fuels tae and you to keep living in this beautiful world

when it comes time for her to go to school hed be so scared like hes letting his baby girl go off alone??? nO 

and ur like tae its alright babe its ok its good for her and he gets that but still??? 

also your daughter would have that same laugh that tae does and every time she does it your stomach gets butterflies 

and whenever she cried tae would be like the first one at the scene 

and whenever she had her temper tantrums he’d be the one to baby her 

and your like tae we cant do that we gotta have disipline 

and hes not having it

that baby is gonna be so spoiled rotten omg 

lord help us all 

but the thing is that baby will have the best parents in the entire universe like nothing can change that fact at all 

that baby is gonna grow up living a happiness filled life ok 

i really hope ya’ll enjoyed it!!!!

[homosexualhufflepuff]

i was tagged by @cuddlyjongin literally like a year ago maybe?? found this in my drafts and i was like ok sounds like fun

1. LAST TEXT SENT: I texted my boss that i won’t be going on vacation with my family this summer hahah 2. LIST 3 FAVORITE COLORS: umm thats so hard but like yellow, grey and blue idk?? 3. WHAT TIME DID YOU WAKE UP TODAY: ten am i think 4.WHAT WERE YOU DOING LAST NIGHT AT MIDNIGHT: driving home after hanging out with friends :’’) 5. NAME SOMETHING YOU CANT WAIT FOR: hmmm i guess living alone and hopefully being able to work as a musician if that works out 6. LAST TIME YOU SAW YOUR MOTHER: about three hours ago when she came to my room to say goodnight aaaa luv u mum<33 7. WHAT IS ONE THING YOU WISH YOU CHANGE ABOUT YOUR LIFE: ooh thats tough, no idea tbh??? life is pretty good atm 8. WHATS GETTING ON YOUR NERVS RN: the slight headache im starting to get :((/(/ 9. RELATIONSHIP STATUS: ?¿?¿+? ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ 10. FAVORITE TV SHOW: oooh uh skam, oitnb, sense8 and steven universe were the first that came to mind 11. FIRST BEST FRIEND: hmmm probably Ami when we were like 10-12 i miss her :///( 12. LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW: london grammar yass 13. 3 FEARS: the ocean, spiders and failure lmao 14. 4 TURN ON’S: cute butt, nice hair, cute laugh and being funny (this is all v generic but come on its tru) 15. 4 TURN OFF’S: being rude, disrespectful towards people, hateful towards people and mean to animals 16. SEXUAL ORIENTATION: g a y 17. MY SENIOR QUOTE IN MY YEARBOOK: that’s not a thing in sweden lol 18. FIRST THING I NOTICE IN A NEW PERSON: their smile maybe 19. SHOE SIZE: about 42 20. EYE COLOR: v dark brown 21. HAIR COLOR: (dark) blond 22. FAVORITE CLOTHING ITEM: hmmm maybe one of my soft sweaters 23. WHAT COLOR UNDERWEAR I’M WEARING RIGHT NOW: dark blue 24. ULTIMATE BIAS: 25. ULTIMATE BIAS GROUP: 26. FAVORITE SEASON: autumn i think 27. HOW MUCH TIME I SPENT ON DESIGNING MY BLOG PAGE: literally haven’t touched it in 2 years 28. THE REASON I JOINED TUMBLR: i think my friend showed me but i don't remember exactly 29. LAST BOOK I READ: currently reading “goodnight mister tom” it’s probably my favourite book (apart from hp) 30. DO I EVER GET “GOOD MORNING” OR “GOODNIGHT” TEXTS?: yes but we don’t actually say good morning lol 31. WHEN DID I LAST HOLD HANDS?: this morning mmm m<32 32. HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE ME TO GET READY IN THE MORNING?: like an hour?? 33. HAVE I SHAVED MY LEGS IN THE PAST 3 DAYS?: no lol 34. WHERE AM I RIGHT NOW?: my bed <3 35. DO I LIKE MUSIC LOUD OR LOW: not too loud but not actually low? 36. 3 THINGS I LOVE: music, my mum and dogs 37. HOW I FEEL RIGHT NOW: tired and a lil stressed 

38. SOMETHING I REALLY, REALLY WANT: more cuddles  39. 3 THINGS THAT UPSET ME: people who are mean to animals, feeling like im not appreciated and when people don’t listen to what i have to say 40. WHAT I FIND ATTRACTIVE IN OTHER PEOPLE: woah too much to make a list, pretty eyes and lips i guess 41. 3 HABITS I HAVE: getting anxious over everything, drumming on my phone and biting my lips 42. SOMETHING I FANTASIZE ABOUT: life :) 43. MY OTPs: idk ?¿ 44. SOMETHING IM TALENTED AT: doing music™ 45. THE BLOG I GIVE MOST NOTES TO: no idea 46. THE LAST PERSON THAT RE-BLOGGED FROM ME: idek 47. DO I SMOKE/DRINK?: nah not really 48. MY FAVORITE FOOD: i just really love vegetables so stuff like stir fry, curries, ratatouille <33  49. MY FAVORITE DESSERT: ice cream??? or maybe cheesecake mm 50. WHAT I DID YESTERDAY: i did an application test/interview thingy for music school aaaaaa also hung out with friends and cuddled 51. NUMBER OF KIDS I WANT: one or two 52. NUMBER OF SIBLINGS I HAVE: one asshole brother 53. SOMETHING THATS CONSTANTLY ON MY MIND: school and music 54. LAST PERSON I MESSAGED ON TUMBLR: @singlemomsforfree​ 55. CAN I DRIVE: yeh love driving  56. WHAT STATE OR PART OF THE WORLD DO I LIVE IN: sweden 57. AM I IN SCHOOL?: for like 3 more weeks oanfoiadnfodf 58. DO I GET GROSSED OUT EASILY?: depends, kind of? 59. SOMEWHERE I WOULD LIKE TO VISIT FOR A WEEK: i d e k  i want to go to so many places 60. I’LL LOVE YOU IF…: you show me photos of ur pet!!!! 61. LAST SHOW I BINGE-WATCHED: umm stranger things maybe? i don’t binge that much 62. WHAT WORDS UPSET ME THE MOST: “öh” my brother’s way of communicating with me 63. WHAT WORDS MAKE ME FEEL THE BEST ABOUT MYSELF: no idea? 64. A WISH THAT I’VE WISHED FOR REPEATEDLY ON 11:11: i don’t really do that 65. WHO I WOULD SWITCH LIVES WITH FOR A DAY: umm idk a cat maybe 66. MY FAVORITE ICE CREAM: magnum strawberry white maybe??? do u have that outside of sweden 67. ALLERGIES: im sensitive to kiwi and pineapple 68. SEXIEST PERSON TO COME TO YOUR MIND IMMEDIATELY: um idk 69. MY CHILDHOOD CARRER CHOICE: musician i think??? 70. ONE OF MY INSECURITIES: my voice 71. HOW MANY BLOGS AM I FOLLOWING: like 350 i think 72. HOW MANY TABS/DIFFERENT WINDOWS ATM: three 73. COKE OR PEPSI: neither tbh but coke if i had to choose 74. TEA OR COFFEE: tea <3 75. MOVIE OR BOOK: i love books so much ok 76. A SENSE I WOULD BE WILLING TO LOSE: i immediately thought between hearing and vision but smell feels like the least devastating lol 77. QUOTE I LIVE BY: idek 78. TYPE OF ACCESSORIES I WEAR THE MOST: i wear a belt every day lol 79. LAST AWKWARD SITUATION I FOUND MYSELF IN: i walked into the same guys twice in the grocery store yesterday 80. WHAT TIME IS IT RIGHT NOW: 01:16 fuck i need to sleep 81. A SONG THAT’S MADE ME CRY: save myself i love that song so much 82: FIRST SONG I EVER SANG AT KARAOKE: no clue

im tagging @singlemomsforfree and @adeliciousdonut !!!!

[swearronchanel]

BETTER LATE THAN NEVER 6.07

AHHH OMG, I was out all day & Actually MISSED the NEW episode like wtfff?!!? it was TOrture!! & I literally had to delete twitter and Tumblr off my phone because the devil himself would’ve tempted me lmfao😭 I love spoilers but not when everyone has seen the episode but me! it’s okay though I had some rum chata to distract me lol, which is just rum and horchata which is the Hispanic version of Horlicks so, At least I was in the CtM Spirit 🙃

Anyway I’m finally getting to watch it so here we go ..

shit I’m so nervous and I haven’t pressed play

why is my heart beating so fast omg

i usually skip the intro but I’m legit not ready

PHYLLIS !! 💕

damn Vanessa already hinting at what’s to come

Baby Susan so precious omg!!

No lie one of the prettiest babies I’ve ever seen. I’ve seen lots of ugly babies and lots of cute babies, I’m qualified to judge.

“Courage and resilience will matter most of all” 😭😭ahh omg

My spirit animal and campion Phyllis deserves nothing but the best I’m not ready to see her hurt

SHELAGH GETTING EXAMINED 😭😭💕💕 MY HEART IS BURSTING & her belly is so big omg!

CRYING SHE STILL CANT BELIEVE ITS HAPPENING ME EITHER BBY 😭 like holy shit I’m still not over it.

But I’m going to binge series 6 with my mother when I’m home Saturday and can’t wait for her to watch because she wanted to see shelagh have a baby & also she doesn’t know what tf has happened 😭😭😂 it’s been a crazy series! She will be s h o o k

“I know I’m just not a very relaxed sort of person” SAME but BBY RELAX 😭💕

LOL I WOULDNT HAVE READ IT EITHER

That was a cute moment with Babs and Shelagh!! But still wish it was w/ Trixie though 🙁 also it didn’t seem like a “heart to heart”? was it supposed to or was I expecting too much

Aw Rhoda 💔

what a ignorant ass teacher though, I’ll  FIGHT HER REAL QUICK

BOY OR GIRL??? I REALLY WANT TO KNOW UGH WHAT IS BABY TURNER??!

ugh Shelagh and Patrick’s faces 😫 I hope they don’t feel guilty for having a baby

But also why does shelagh have to keep wearing the same things lol, I feel cheated of all the cute maternity looks she could’ve served instead

“Having to explain” poor Mrs Antoine UGH THAT MAKES ME SO ANGRY, THERE’S NOTHING TO BE EXPLAINED   I’m mixed, Hispanic and white not black and white but still my dad is tan & we’ve been places where people have given my parents the dirtiest looks and have heard a nasty comment or two & it BOILS MY BLOOD

Omg the Antoine boys are precious

TRIXIE 😍😍 my bby looks good!

PHYLLIS IN TROUSERS HELL YES

UM VALARIE CAN U NOT BE RACIST

I swear if she says anything more I’ll lose my shit

“No one can really choose who they fall in love with” BLESS U DEELS

Bless Phyllis for making sure those cubs don’t grow up to be as ignorant as their parents

“I surmise the puller of teeth is intended to admire it” SISTER MJ IS A GEM

LOL SISTER J WANTS HIM TO COME THROUGH

SISTER WINIFRED WITH ANOTHER PRICELESS FACE IM DEAD

A bassoon? Lmaoo what the actual fuck Tim

Oh it’s for girls ofc LOL give him a girlfriend already, I’d get such a kick out of it. & Patrick could make another dad joke and say like take a lesson from me I legit beat God over a woman’s heart

The Mullucks fam 😭

Patrick with Susan omg aww

Trixie looking like a b a b e I’m dead 😍

“You’ll look like you’re trying to hard” DELIA HAHA OMG SHE GETS LIKE ONE MIN OF SCREEN TIME BUT SHE ALWAYS HAS GOOD LINES

I need Trixie’s everything, no joke. HOW

But I’m dying my hair blonder this week don’t play

Ah my bby shelagh again 😍💕

I feel so sorry for Patrick like this wasn’t your fault

LMAO SISTER WINIFRED CANT CONCENTRATE IN COMPLINE  SHE IS ANNOYINGLY PRECIOUS

She’s scared to take her driving test aw 😂😂 same like I have my permit but I’m scared to fail the actual driving test

“Oh I have a soft spot for the Antoines” PHYLLIS TIENE UN GRAN COROZON 😭

Omg Mr and Mrs Antoine are so cute too, dios te bendiga 😰

Christopher being a flake wtf no me gusta

Sister W is in on the drama like Sister B was, am I right??

LMAO HER RUN

Prosthetics are so wild, my abuelo has a prosthetic leg and I was so interested when he first got it. But also I’m going to hell for being evil because I joke around way too much when he’s extra senile

“People call my kids hair frizzy, but I think it’s beautiful” MY HEART😭💔 literally my mom was the same with me. Defensive over my curls - even tho my hair is frizzy sometimes😭

The song though, took me a second to process but that’s my bby shelagh’s song ?? Ummm wut

lol sister Winifred hella late, let me guess this will make her want to drive?

this prosthetic place is so great wow omg

damn it Bernie

PHYLLIS LOVES THIS FAMILY AND I LOVE THEM ALL OMG 😭😭

GET THE RUM ! or I will lol

ah never mind

LOL SISTER W AGAIN & PHYLLIS SHAKING HER HEAD

the question is, does/has sister Winifred drink/drank ? she seems like a light weight

fuck is this when it’s gonna happen

I’M NOT READY DAMN IT

damn Bernie..

UGH MY HEART IS RACING IM SO ANXIOUS AND SCARED AHJXKWLXM

HOLY SHIT OMGGGG

THAT WAS SO HARD AHH OMGG

IM FUCKING SCREAMING

Phyllis is in shock o h m y g o d

I can’t process this either

OMG I CANT DEAL

PHYLLIS IS SOBBING, IM SOBBING WTFFFF OMGG 😭😰😰😰💔💔💔

MY FUCKING HEART

I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO OMG

AW SISTER W ASWELL UGH WTF I SHOULDNT FEEL SO MUCH

LMAO OMG THANK U FOR COMIC RELIF

TIM SUCKS LMAO stick to the damn piano boy

PATRICK AND SHELAGH GIGGLING OMG MY HEART IS OKAY NOW 😭😭💕💕

SHELAGH AND PATRICK BEING SO CUTE IM CRYING

DAMN THALIDOMIDE

DAMN THAT CAR UGH  

DAMN IT ALL

LOW FUCKING BLOW BERNIE THAT WAS NOT HER FAULT

BABS TRYING TO COMFORT PHYLLIS  IM CRYING AGAIN

SHE IS SO HURT, I AM SO HURT, IM A BLOODY MESS OF TEARS. IM SOBER AND SAD NOW & THERE’S MASCARA In MY CONTACT LENS & MY 3yr OLD GREMLIN LITTLE COUSIN IS KICKING ME (lol he’s laying next to me)

AND CARRIE CRYING NOW OMGGG NO LENNY WONT DIE STOP

“That lovely gp of yours” lol does everyone have a crush on Dr Turner but me? Lol don’t come @ me pls I’m sorry I know people love him 😭😭 Im here for Christopher and Tom But He is handsome, just in an older man way Lmaoo guess it’s cause he could be my dad 😂 lol he’s older than my dad

I’d take him as a sugar daddy real quick though. I need my tuition paid and he is so sweet😏 😭😂

So it was a scarf, hmm I thought trixie was gonna find like stockings or something

“Not Hermès but something very like it” lol how does Trixie know what Hermès feels like on a nurses salary?

Valarie is on my nerves & she’s had like 2 mins of screen time Lmaoo I’ve liked her until this episode. I hope they don’t ruin her for me

“But I’m a member of the institute of advanced motorists”  UGH PHYLLIS IS A GEM WHO DOES NOT DESERVE THIS !! SHE IS THERE FOR EVERYONE ALWAYS, SHE ALWAYS DOES GOOD WHY MUST THIS HAPPEN TO HER?

Aw Sister Winifred

Oh Rhoda 💔💔she’s such a great mother

MY HEART, THEY WERE WALKING AWAY FROM BEING TEASED

BLAME THE RACISTS, IT IS ALWAYS A VALID BLAME

YES PHYLLIS IS A GOOD WOMAN! 😭😭

Tom trying to comfort Phyllis😭😭

“You’re fond of your meat, and our views on God and His existence are divergent to say the least, but we both follow vocations…. so if you caused harm to someone else, even inadvertently would it not make you question what everything in your life has come to stand for?” I’m c r y i n g

“I, a rational woman, have no one to question but myself” 😭💔

IM REALLY HURT

“Sometimes cheering people on the sidelines doesn’t help”

my bby killing it 😍

Why you being a flake Christopher? go ahead man tell her about your kid

BRUH YOU DONT TELL HER LIKE THAT LMAO

he’s divorced ah, thought it was out of wedlock. I don’t care though haha

NO DRINKS FOR TRIXIE, TELL HIM BBY.. in your own time of course 💕

BABY SUSAN SO PRECIOUS

Fred brought her car ugh And Phyllis is still so hurt as am I 💔

This lady is so sweet! I hope she and Rhoda become friends right now

DID SHE TAKE DISTIVAL TOO?

lol wait where are the Turners I miss them??

“.. and the words ‘Nonnatus house this is not a midwife speaking’ are most unlikely to reassure the caller” SISTER MJ!

YES SHE DID OMG. I need them to be best friends omg 💔😭

“Nothing was said, nothing was done” 💔💔

PHYLLIS LOOKING AT THE CAR

SISTER MJ IS GOING WITH HER MY HEART OMG

my heart my heart

aw the mullucks'😭 ofc IT WASNT YOUR FAULT!

SISTER MJ IS A GEM 💕😭 & PHYLLIS IS JUMPING BACK IN

TWO GEMS 😭💕 but also if this was the birth they meant that sister MJ was involved in ill be lowkey sad, but we shall see next week if she’s randomly with Shelagh when she delivers

Trixie serving more looks 😍

Aw my bby 💔does she tell him about her alcoholism at the end of this ?

Also what are we guessing about Valarie rn?? she has a secret? tragic backstory to be unlocked? what ? She gay?

Aw the mulluks’s again! All so sweet💕 & YES LYDIA BE FRIENDS

ugh Christopher looks good af😍 and that car yes

YES TRIXIE 😍 my girl looking good as well

SHE TOLD HIM 😭 IM CRYING IM SO PROUD 😭😭💕💕WHY DO I FEEL SO PROUD FOR A FICTIONAL CHARACTER??! I love her

Oh shit Patsy’s dad is dead. I assumed that was coming

Phyllis reassuring Delia awww

PHYLLIS BACK AT THE CUBS 😭 MY CHAMPION AND SPIRIT ANIMAL BOUNCING BACK

Lenny’s speech omg brb crying

The support group for thalidomide victims omg my heart

I was cryin before and now I’m crying more for this Irish lady

Omg side side side note there was this cute old interracial couple that seem like my parents in 20yrs in JFK yesterday that were so precious and sweet and we’re talking to me the whole time waiting at the gate & then there was this sweet Irish couple who were confused about the time difference and I helped them out and then when we landed they helped me out looking for my bag so now I have much more faith in humanity because usually the people in NYC airports are angry new yorkers who don’t care lol like me (jk)

“There’s no rule of life so simple or so true ..” 😭😢💔💖

Thank u Vanessa I’m so emotional, show me next week 

Bonus: next week

OMG PHYLLIS HUGGING SHELAGH OMGGG. I NEVER KNEW I NEEDED TO SEE THIS

PHYLLIS BETTER DELIVER THE BABY I KNOW I WANTED TRIXIE BUT IT DOESNT SEEN LIKELY AND SO INEED PHYLLIS (sister J too ofc?! She was barely in this past episode)

MY BBY SHELAGH’S TUMMY IS SO BIG IN HER UNIFORM OMG SHE’S SO PRECIOUS I LOVE HER I MISSED HER THIS PAST EPISODE

BUT OH MY GOD BABY TURNER IS COMING HOLY SHIT THIS IS HAPPENING THIS IS NOT A DRILL

HERE COMES THE PILL READY OR NOT #LETSGETIT1962

Lol oh shoot I didn’t take mine yesterday or today brb

AW DELIA

WHAT IS SIGNIFICANT ABOUT BABS SLEEPING I NEED TO KNOW

Lol idk why but even though I like Tom and Babs their relationship just doesn’t do anything for me😂😂 like I don’t give a shit? They’re cute but idk it doesn’t cut it. Like they’re just there and I’m like “aw ok”

OMG I CANT WAIT WHAT WILL HAPPEN ?! I NEED ANSWERS

I will die next week. For real. 

[thatmarshmallowgurl]

Anxiety VS Depression

So you wake up in the morning and you have this daunting feelings of "can you do it" or "what if you leave the house and you see THAT guy you have been avoiding for the past two years" and that is this massive thing that messes with people.

I mean some lucky people get the occasional feelings of sadness and getting nervous, for example:

" I'm really sad that I didn't get that grade that I wanted on that test" or "I'm  really sad that I didn't have enough money for that top that I saw the other day".

Compared to depression which is like:

"I can't go out as my head has told me that I'm good enough and my life isn't what everyone expects it to be, I'm an adult that doesn't have a job and can't work and everything is falling apart".

Other people may experience feeling of being anxious. For example:

" I am really anxious that my mum will find out I didn't go to my appointment, she going to go mad at me." or " I'm anxious that I wont pass my driving test"

But people who have anxiety disorders and other illness where they struggle with their anxiety deal with. For example:

" If I don't leave the house today, I will be stuck here for the rest of my life and no will love the girl that doesn't leave the house as she will die old and alone forever." or " I invited people to my birthday and I don't know if they are going to come, cant people just give me some confirmation or is that not a normal thing to do as clearly I must be MAD".

Can you see how the two different examples can go from one extreme to another. But the thing is and where this post was going, if someone has Depression and Anxiety having both things fight against each other is fucking horrible as Nothing gets done. I mean you feel like shit as you haven't left the house as your depression made you feel like that was the best bet but now your anxiety is screaming at you as you haven't left in a week, you haven't seen your friends, family, nothing and you have this massive feeling that you are going to relapse again and its scary and you want to leave but you CAN'T.

So here is a messaged to my followers, if you suffer from mental health issues, you can always message me, I have some coping methods, and if ypu know someone who struggles between understanding the difference between feeling sad and having depression or being anxious and having an anxiety disorder. Im here.

[actualltr4sh]

its been a while since i did oneuhdeez

basics what’s your name ➔ zarina do you have a nickname ➔ ‘z’ usually do you have a middle name ➔ i dew do you like your name ➔ luv  do people often mispronounce your name ➔ yeah, i get “serena” a lot but i cut that shit out do you like the meaning of your name ➔ luv. it means golden so that’s fire when is your birthday ➔  01/15 how old are you ➔ 5′4 do you like your age ➔ it’s okay. i’m old lmao what’s your zodiac sign ➔ good cap!

appearance what’s your hair colour ➔ blackityblackblackblack is your current hair colour your natural hair colour ➔ yeth do you dye your hair ➔ i have before, i don’t make a habit of it though do you have natural highlights ➔ nerp when was the last time you had a haircut ➔ recently! like a month ago lol what length is your hair right now ➔ um the back of it is like at the base of my neck but the front is short lol do you have straight, wavy or curly hair ➔ nigger curls boo do you have frizzy hair ➔ not usually do you use a curling iron ➔ not usually do you use a hair straightener ➔ not usually do you braid your hair ➔ almost always lmao what’s your eye colour ➔ brown do your eyes change colour ➔ this is not a john green novel lol do you wear contacts ➔ never!! if so, do you use colour contacts or regular contacts ➔ NEVER!! do you wear glasses ➔ yes i can not fucking see bro lmao do you have naturally long eyelashes ➔ not really ;/ they look so bare lol do you wear braces ➔ no do you have dimples ➔ no do you have moles ➔ a few, none on my face tho do you have outstanding cheekbones ➔ kinda? not really. i got a good jaw tho do you have freckles ➔ nerp. love em though do you have piercings ➔ i lost some :( i have 8 now do you have tattoos ➔ 6?? do you wear make up ➔ just my eyebrows cus i dont have any lol do you paint your nails ➔ sometimes. whenever im feeling edgy do you wear jewelry ➔ bracelets normally but my wrist just broke out so not now are you happy with your height ➔ it’s fine. im not like short but im not tall either

personality would you consider yourself outgoing or shy ➔ super shy and anxious baybee are you sarcastic  ➔ i used to be a lot worse but its toned down a lot. too anxious LMAO what’s your biggest fear ➔ being in a car accident.. didn’t used to be number 1 but now? yep what’s your guilty pleasure ➔ coke. not like cocaine but coca cola LMAO are you religious ➔ meh do you get easily along with people ➔ typically! do you cry easily ➔ if i cry a lot is that the same thing as crying easily? idk. i be stressed though lmao

school do you go to middle school ➔ like now??? do you go to high school ➔ ?????? do you go to a private school ➔ no lol are you home schooled ➔ nope have you gratuated from school ➔ ya ya ya ya yaaaa what grade are you in ➔ done done done done doneeeee have you skipped a grade ➔ nope have you been held back a grade ➔ almost! freshman year of high school was whooping my ASS okay have you ever failed a class  ➔ bitch several have you been sent to the principals office ➔ not to my knowledge have you skipped school ➔ yeah i used to be tripping have you cheated on a test ➔ how else would i have gotten my degree lol

family do you live with your biological parents ➔ hell nope do you get along with your parents ➔ mehhhhh my dad yeah my mom not really do you tell your parents everything ➔ man hell no lol do you have strict parents ➔ growing up my mom was v strict do you have siblings ➔ 5! are you the oldest ➔ nerp are you in the middle ➔ almost are you the youngest ➔ pretty much?? but not really are all of your grandparents still alive ➔ um... on my dads side maybe?? i think so

friendships do you have a best friend ➔ yeth  do you have more than 10 friends ➔ yall funny as fuck do you have at least 2 friends you can trust with your life ➔ i guess. i dont even trust myself with my life if we being real lmao do you have a lot of guy friends, a lot of girl friends or equal girl and guy friends ➔ i dont have a lot of friends period its probs equal or more girls do you text with your friends a lot ➔ two of them i talk to almost every day!

relationships what’s your relationship status ➔ dolla dolla bill yall! have you ever been in love ➔ i have and bitch oowee do you believe in love at first sight ➔ idk lmao have you ever been in a relationship ➔ one serious one and like some other shit have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ idk issa secret boo have you ever been asked out on a date ➔ yesss have you ever been kissed ➔ yeah the hoes love it have you ever made out with someone ➔ i haveeee have you ever been cheated on ➔ kinda. he got me on a technicality and that shit fucked me UP have you ever been proposed to ➔ no i hope so one day!! do you want to get married ➔ WIFE ME do you want kids ➔ one seems like enough but what if they get only child syndrome? you have to have 2 for their sanity lmao

country where were you born ➔ ugh where do you live right now ➔ UGH have you ever been out of the country ➔ canada lmao do you prefer country or city ➔ city me please do you like sightseeing ➔ sure! is one or more of your parents from another country ➔ yeth what places would you like to visit  ➔ antiguaaaaa are you fluent in more than one language ➔ black what languages can you speak ➔ colored and white if we being real LMFAOOO i be code switching like a mf

health do you have any allergies ➔ naw cuh are you lactose intolerant ➔ man hell yeah that shit is a serious barrier  have you had surgery ➔ noooo hopefully never have you had stitches ➔ no & never have you broken a bone ➔ no & never! bitch i be chilling has someone close to you died of a disease ➔ not to my knowledge.. wait yes im an asshole for forgetting do you exercise a lot  ➔ this is a joke

experiences have you ever had a near death experiene ➔ a few :/ have you ever been on a plane ➔ a couple times! have you ever had an allnighter ➔ freshman year lmao have you ever been to school/work after a sleepless night ➔ FRESHMAN YEAR have you ever been in a physical fight ➔ kinda lmao have you ever been to a wedding ➔ yesss i wanna go to one again so bad I LOVE LOVE have you ever been to a funeral ➔ :(  have you ever lived in a different country ➔ no have you ever been drunk ➔ i be fucked up have you ever been trick or treating ➔ yes free candy is weird but its cool lmao have you ever been in a school play ➔ i was in crew in HS lol have you ever been to a camp ➔ no actually why didnt i have that summer camp lifestyle in middle school have you ever driven a car ➔  barely bitch

skills how many languages are you fluent in ➔ i told you have you ever read a book in another language ➔ no can you roll your tongue ➔ not really? can you braid hair ➔ nope lmao can you do a handstand ➔ eye can

habits do you crack your knuckles ➔ not as much as i used to? if i do i really dont even notice it lmao do you bite your nails ➔ noooo do you bite your lips ➔ noooo

favourites what’s your favourite movie ➔ it’s different all the time today we’ll say bring it on lmao what’s your favourite tv show ➔ greys anatomy s1-8.. gotta clarify this new shit wack what’s your favourite book ➔ the mothers x britt bennett  what’s your favourite song ➔ idk... lets say my boy builds coffins Florence & the machine what’s your favourite colour ➔ blk what’s your favourite animal ➔ zebra. owl.  what’s your favourite season ➔ fall or spring!!

this or that summer or winter ➔ ugh honestly neither  day or night ➔ night me pls cats or dogs ➔ dog rain or shine ➔ rainnnn if im inside watching tv, sun if i have shit to do lol coffee or tea ➔ coffeeeee i don’t like tea that much tbh lol reading or writing ➔ writing probs humorous or serious ➔ humor me brown or blue eyes ➔ brwn single or group dates ➔ single i have too much anxiety for that lol texts or calls ➔ i think i like talking otp more but i genuinely hate both unless i love you driving or walking ➔ i walk everywhere if i can but cars are more efficient lol

last last phone call ➔ an apartment complex lol last text ➔ “her family pimpin her out smh” somebody said this about an old lady!!  last song you listened to ➔ savage x meg  last thing you ate ➔ some wack ass chips lmao last thing you drank ➔ raspberry lemonade last purchase ➔ the wack ass chips and the lemonade lol last time you cleaned your room ➔ technically a few weeks ago when i moved out lol last time you’ve been on a date ➔ january? yeah january

[somedaypast-thesunset]

I tell him in plain language I haven't eaten and have no money for food. He offers to loan me money and that I can come over. But it's -2 and all my cold weather wear is garbage from the 5 min I spent just going to the store. He says he has to charge his phone. I'm like OK but u can also do it on your laptop. "yeah but then I'd have to find my wallet". I gave a huge exaggerated laugh because who the fuck responds to someone asking to eat like 5hat? He thinks my reply is weird. I tell him I assume he's joking so I'm laughing otherwise I'm just depressed. He replies, "do you need money now?"

SO GCDFHJFFDXDJKCFYBVXSSJKCF

DO I NEED TO EAT TODAY? DO I? GYESS NOT BECAYSE I WOYLDNT WANT TO BORHER YOU TO FIND YOUR FUCKING WALLET.

the only mature non combative response I had was no response because I'm not even dignifying such a stupid fucking question with a response. Fuck you man. Just fuck you. I'd get more respect sucking dick for 40$. Quicker too.

And I'm trying soooooooo hard and it's just nothing. I'm doing nothing but expending the absolute most amount of effort I currently have before becoming sooo exhausted and frustrated that I'm becoming impulsively violent - much like traits I had very young that I worked to control. Like my day consists of waking up and being brought home. I smoke weed, find a podcast or video or movie to listen to but barely pay attention and try to bring myself to do anything. Like changing my clothes from yesterday. Going out to get food (which if I do is my entire morning and I'm done after). Lately I want soooo badly to get back into my shit. I used to be productive. Like I lost alllllllllllllllllllllllll drive for anything. I cannot fathom going to a job. My whole disposition says I want to die every moment I'm awake. I watched this doc about this crazy lady who starved to death in an abandoned house on an occupied street like ppl walked by the house she had neighbors but she like actively chose to just starve and die. And everyone's so confused like oh the neighbors were there she could've gotten food but no. I get this lady. I am this lady right now. I am in an abandoned house that is my body and my neighbors can see I'm here but they don't care if anyone is home. They wouldn't feed me.

In some ways I was like oh no. This lady is me. But she was delusional. Like she made ppl up. I haven't ever. But I am becoming like my mother more and more but I guess I empathize more. This lady was so depressed like she really wanted to die all the time and she was miserable and couldn't keep friends and I get it now. I got it before but now I really get it because there's no choice anymore. At some point you like... You're standing on the edge of the abyss and then u let go and from that point on its just free falling out of control. You can't stop it once it's hit full momentum. And I'm screaming cuz I did the drugs. And I can do them again so I can placebo effectvmyself for 2 weeks and crash again. I am existing solely for the purpose of a few other ppl right now. Like I can't die right here because my roommate has to find it and he's the last person I want to find dead me. Like if a stranger could spot a body that is me, that'd be good. Or like a dog finds me first. I want to go in a forest. I want my body to refuel the earth and I want animals to tear me apart like when the Indians let vultures eat their dead. I'm dead you know. People have too much control. I'm used to no control and I embrace the lack of control one has in death despite society trying sooo hard. And I'm still there you know cuz I want to control when I die. I wan5 to choose and death is not about choice. And it's hard to die. Killing yourself takes like extreme effort. I cannot selfishly take my cats with me tho I want to. I want to die with my cat in my arms, the only thing that ever really loved me besides my dad. I just want to go far far out where it's no coming back. Like even if I last minute didn't want to I want to be so far out in the woods I can5 make it back in such condition so I just die because wanting to live is the moment of weakness. This is not a moment. I am not in a decade long moment. I am suffering and I hurt and the "system" is a fools game. Like it took 100 yrs to accept certain medications and procedures as fucked up because it takes society 100 yrs to figure anything out and like I guess my hope is that because we're evolving technology so fast maybe in 5 years they will know how to fix depression. They will look in my brain and s3e the suffering and fix it. And I'll flick a switch and my memories will be neutral in feeling, not ptsd.

It's not even ptsd anymore. No, it's not JUST ptsd anymore. It's the starting long term effects of poverty. It's like.. My own mental issues maturing with me as I'm getting older and it's not easier at all?

Like I tried to do my shop and realized its so half assed and like I can't be this age and present this level of effort. I can do better I just chose not to but I spend effort doing it half assed still. I took apart 80% of my jewelry and have yet to go back to it because why. And that's sad. Like I have to be careful now to maintain what I do have or I may not care enough to do it again. I have alllllllllllllllllllllllll the time in the world to do something. Anything. Any. Thing. And I've listened to 350 episodes of last podcast, know deeply a 38 yr old man I never met who plays video games online, watched anything deemed good on Netflix, am totally up to date on s3veral news websites and podcasts and I smoke like 400$ worth of weed a month.

I don't even want to know me.

But like.. I don't pretend I just don't talk. I talk to others, share commentary occasionally but I just don't talk about anything. I especially don't talk about how depressed I am because it just bothers ppl and creates both positive and negative opinions none of which are helpful to the illness.

So im very very secluded. And I used to use isolated but that's negative. That's saying I'm forced into it. I'm forcing it. I'm not. I actively choose it now so I am secluded and extremely private.

I'm still trying though? Like I don't even know why. Today I signed up for usertesting sites because I already do contract tests for consumer reviews so maybe I'll make some money but at the same time I feel like its another dead end. Just go work at McDonald's.

Art wise, there is so much I could do to revamp my shop. All new, well made jewelry. I need all new photos including ones of my art with close ups and stuff. I want to "graduate" my art skills a bit. Like really make nice well cut paper with borders for matting and start to sign my work and like all of this means higher quality so a higher price. I can do fucking better. And honestly I'm not doing anything else right now. My mind is completely disabled and to consider working is laughable now. I know I'm not going to so I can stop being anxious about it. Fuck em. I've been doing a depression project for charity cuz that's what I did earlier this year too but this one is more personal. I have 3/5 of what I wanted for my goal but at the same time what I made is so.. Average. It's not great at all. It's just iok and does the job and I tried my best but maybe I didn't? The fact 3/5 have all turned out with fairly major issues makes me feel less inclined to continue and the whole thing pointless cuz why give something to the homeless that sucks. So u can feel good?

I don't want therapy or medication. I deeply hate society and most of humanity. I used to be OK with it and I wanted to be apart of it but I was so shit on by so many people that I can't do it anymore. It's not worth it. 30 years of shit for like 30 y3ars of average? Cool.

Still trying tho. Still asked for money for food and I'll go hungry today but I'll havevmoney tomorrow I guess. That's life. Me and the 45 ppl on main St homeless. Somedays you eat Somedays you don't. He will probably realize at some point he made a mistake - hopefully. Because if I have to chase him for it, I'm probably going to hang out by myself tomorrow too.

I'm now worried I have no good winter clothes and my boots have holes in them. I'm already in super debt. I have to get a new jacket and boots before it snows. I could've gotten an extra 10 if I braved the cold for 25 min tonight but I'm just so tired I don't care enough. I can't talk to anyone about this. Then I'm just poor and a burden cuz I have no job and spend money on weed. And I did. I put myself far into debt just for weed. I'm now working on this plan that since I've quit smoking I must be up some money so I'll slowly build funds back up by not smoking and not spending crazy. Which even now sounds bullshit. But I'm trying the testing thing as well. If I get my shop up before Xmas rush. These are reasons to try but I'm only trying because d3pression put me in debt. If I wasn't this sad I wouldn't spend this money. I wouldntvlive like this.

Honestly until I get this money I don't even have funds for the bus to get my birth control. At the same time tho I was willing to sit all of this out and wait but I have like 7 days to be paid and I can't go 7 days without eating at all.

I spent myblast 3$ on cat food and honestly just this run down alone describes how insane I am. Like there's no way it's OK for me to be on my own to this degree. No sound psychologist would say yes 100% clearly functioning on their own in need of no assistance. If someone described this to me in my moments of sound mind I would be like this bitch is dead in atleast 5 years. Prob less. Meds aren't enough. Therapy is not enough. And I don't deserve to be in a psych ward because my capacity for reasoning and logic is fully there and it's unfair to have success in q team monitored to be released into the same conditions you know.

What am I doing when my father's gone? This because no one recognized that in a Co dependent relationship there are two people who are d3oendent not just one and instead of really assessing the situation people chose to think I was lazy and living off my father (even tho I was not) ignoring severe depression and suicidal t3ndencies. Thanks.

I am the abandoned house.

Today I was trying to get ready to leave when he said he still wanted to smoke from my bong and ohh where do I have to go that's so important. And it's not just him. It's anyone who knows myclife. They d3cided my time has less value because someone who's not them d3cided to pay me money in exchange for menial tasks. Since I don't have that my time is meaningless and they can not show up to qppts or show up late or leave late or make me wait X amount of time cuz I have all the time in the world. They work u know. But I no longer care. For the people who know me I'm no longer accepting this and just going about my lif3 without them. For those who don't, I'm no longer going to share anything about my life with anyone. I'm just as valuable as you. My time is equally of worth. Fuck you for ever thinking different.

Just remember - anyone else alive, not your problem.

[achanceforus-x-blog]

My story so far

I am writing this to hopefully raise awareness and shed some light on situations people ignore or dismiss. I want to help people no matter what their going through with my words , my wisdom and inspire and give my strength to anyone who feels they have none left. My story so far .. A few major things had happened in the years before hand (Ill save these stories for another time) causing my mental health to deteriorate (such a big problem in our generation, thats just kept so secretive) Feeling lost and deflated keeping quiet about all my problems , our problems keeping shit to myself. Feeling to breathless and anxious to even leave the house for work. Falling out with friends because I was weak they thought I was stupid for all Ive put up with, a toxic relationship. Me and my long term partner would just argue and fuss and fight for hours to the point of ultimate distress on both halves. Neither of us really knew what we wanted when you've been romantic with one person for so long it can get really crazy I believe noones a bad person though I believe people only do bad things and thats the stage we were at doing bad things. The physical altercations got to much for us both it seemed as though we were killing each other slowly. Who bruises someone they love? Who try's to hurt them with wicked words? Im so done been a wicked person but we both had a bad mental state and combined it was not pretty. I lived with him and his family in not the most comfortable environment this could also spark our disagreements. Working full time jobs, missing each other , no trust in each other , assumptions , we even thought it was acceptable to lay our hands on one another at some points which is never ok on either part male or female. So with all this been said what the hell was a girl to do I felt I couldn't go home to my mother as it had been to long I was kind of brainwashed id fantasise about the days I didn't have to stay at my partners family's house anymore. One day I just became exhausted the fighting became to much and I finally stopped provoking and reacting then we remembered we can talk to each other. So after about a week of exhaustion and finally getting along again I started not to feel myself even more we got drunk at a christmas party ( I had some time of work and got drunk every day since the 16th December until just after christmas to numb my issues ) but this time we both got drunk at the party and we started loving on each other again like we had before he made a silly comment about my belly and said I had a little him in there. Which we both just laughed off drunkly as I thought yeah impossible. This comment didnt leave my mind all night then when a still slightly drunk but a more sober me woke up that comment was the first thing on my mind. I asked him what the fuck he meant?! He said he was just drunk and playing with me. Then I started to think wait I havent been feeling right for awhile I put it down to just been sad. But something kind of clicked in me I felt sick and I turned to my partner and said omg you've gotta get me a test he looked puzzled but when I explained he went to the corner shop and came back with three tests. I was terrified not to lie , id been pregnant before when I was younger and that didn't end well as they couldn't find a heartbeat .. Pure dread came into my heart and pure fear I started to feel more sick and panicked than ever. What if I lost a baby again I already accepted the fact I couldn't carry nor could I get pregnant again after the damage left and the blood transfusions and all the struggles of the time before. I didn't even want to be a mother at all , or did I ? No not Atleast until I was like 30 or something id pushed all thoughts of ever been someones mother out of my head for a while as it was to painful. Ugh why me , why didn't we glove up why did it have to feel so good why why why and then to think I had been drinking and smoking. Shit. I stopped all these thoughts and quickly manned up and took all the tests to the bathroom. All positive. Shit. Id not long started a great new job though , I was really excelling and I dont wanna be a mother and surely history would repeat itself? Were the tests right? I cant even get pregnant can I? Ive been drinking so much and smoking, ive been so sad ive been getting into scraps with my partner how far gone was I? Had we scrapped when I was pregnant? Im trapped. So many thoughts I sat in the bathroom and just let out a deep breath. Im the strongest person I know lol or am I or do I just suppress shit and abuse substances to get over the way i felt ? Either way I felt strong I know im strong after everything id been through before in the past year let alone the past few years. Okay It is what it is man. Walked out the bathroom and handed my partner all the tests we looked at each other he widened his eyes then he smiled real hard probably the most he'd smiled at me in a long time, he was happy but he was worried because he to lost his baby when I did before. We both lost the baby. It was ours and now we were faced with that feeling once again omg were pregnant wtf to do?! Not to mention We found out on new years eve!! So all of our plans cancelled. Man if this wasnt the time for me to get drunk and high I dont know what was. So we left it for a few days. We agreed to rebuild ourselves and rebuild our friendship and then out relationship. We obviously still loved and cared for each other but we had to make a pact no more toxic mess not around my baby no way no how. No More drinking for me I told myself I also stopped smoking cigarettes I was the moodiest id been in a month or so withdrawal symptoms really aint the one. I found it extremely hard to stop getting high though truthfully that had been my addiction and coping mechanism for years I felt even more lost wondering what the fuck I was gonna do without getting high everyday after work after a busy day after just having to wake up. Truly exhausting. Still only me and my partner knew our secret whilst I struggled to come to terms with it. At work I had the worst morning sickness ever I wont post to much about this but my job included me having to be really hands on and alert at all times It was getting real tough. I needed to tell someone. I told my manager their reaction wasn't really what I needed I guess they felt I was deliberately(damn it took spell check along time to figure out wtf I was just tryna spell) deliberately ruining their business. Great. And more exhaustion and more morning sickness. I need my mom Yo. The next day I went to my moms house and just came right out with everything she was shocked , happy , scared because of last time of course. My darling mom man I missed her she reacted just how Id wanted her to by getting my shits together telling me I had to make decisions from now and ultimately booking me a private paid scan for the next evening to check everything was ok. Work on this day was the worst all I could think about was whether I was gonna see that little heartbeat or whether it would have stopped like last time, like last time like last time all i kept thinking was like last time. Jesus get me the fuck out of here It was going slow though because I was clock watching. Finally it was time to leave i was outta there in no time I felt so sick driving to the scan place we picked up my partner It was just us three I could tell my mom and him were terrified to but they were just tryna be happy and make me laugh but i literally couldn't even speak I just felt so weird , silence please until we get this over with. So we arrive at the place and I swear my feet stopped working and my legs like I couldn't even get out of the car, mom helped me. Okay this is it. There was like a ten minute wait for the sonographer it felt more like ten fucking hours. Id zoned anyway I didnt know what anyone was saying and if they were talking to me I wasnt listening, finally they called me. We got into the scan room and oh my life Ive never experienced fear like it I personally thought I was fearless nothing scared me but this did. My mom literally had to lift me onto the bed and pull up my top for the scan and then explain to the sonographer Id had a bad experience in the past. My partner looked at me and smiled but I could see past his smile I could tell he was fucking shit scared just like me so he came and held my hand she rubbed the cold jelly on my stomach and began to look around Id covered my eyes by this point cos in my head I thought well at least this time if theres no heartbeat I wouldn't have to see it. I heard people talking my mom , the sonographer , some other woman in the back supervising I just wasnt listening to what they were saying my mom stood up and took my hands from my eyes and said its okay look! I looked and there was my beautiful little bean with the strongest heartbeat ive ever saw the sonographer turned to me and said your only eight weeks so not far gone at all but they have a real strong heartbeat and so far everything looks fine. I just froze and started sobbing. My little bean I couldn't believe it they printed us some scan pictures and I prized myself up of their bed and we went back to my moms house on the way back I was sick all over myself in the car in my new tracksuit that was really something. A part of me just couldn't believe I had a living thing inside of me. Wow got to my moms house cleaned up and ate some food and we talked and we made decisions and I told her I didn't wanna be a mother and she told me really it was tough and I should of thought about it before I didnt use protection. Lol typical thanks mom though I needed that. So I should have been relaxed cos there was a heartbeat but all I kept thinking about was would they even make it another week inside me I really didnt believe I was capable of bringing another life into this world. She dropped us back to my partners families house were we lived and my partner told his family they were happy for us his mother especially. We sat in our bedroom and I just cried on him for abit then he made a spliff and I had a few drags ( I know its bad but try not to judge me ) id read marijuana could help with sickness . Yeah anything to make it sound better. Fast forward a little bit to a week or so and I had a couple of appointments at the hospital due to what had happened before they wanted to double check me and see if I was okay. My manager was not at all happy about how many appointments I was having constantly making sly remarks and comments giving me the silent treatment telling me I was causing them to have to find cover. My initial thoughts whatever trevor I'm still here still working still trying my best your the least of my worries and just ignored them and looked forward to going to bed as the exhaustion was unreal Id never felt a tiredness like it honestly. Fatigue. Back at my partners house him and his mother had had a few disagreements lately and then one night it got really bad and a lot of harsh things were said and eventually she told him he had till the end of the week to get out. What ! I was shocked where was I gonna go ? All pregnant and shit clearly I had to go with him I hadnt left his side at the best of times never mind staying somewhere he'd been kicked out of. Weird shit I made the split second decision and told him lets leave now we grabbed a few bits we needed for the next couple days and left right there and then. Where we gonna go !? My partner asked I didnt even know I just knew I didnt wanna stay there any longer. I called my mom and briefly explained she didnt have a clue what I was talking about it was half eleven at night and everyone had work early in the morning she just said yes then we turned up at her house at midnight , a couple of lost puppies like hey. She just made sure we were okay we'd ate and we had somewhere to sleep with all her blankets and pillows. Fast forward a little bit I really wanted to move into our own place so I started saving over half my wages for the next two months and just stacking up buying things for the place we found , he was saving to , we'd saved more money then than in our whole lives , I mean it seemed real easy I wasnt buying bottles of alcohol all the time I wasnt buying cigarettes I wasnt buying weed no clothes cos I figured id just grow out of them soon anyway so my money was literally untouched so saving and buying household goods was all me for the next few weeks. I wasnt happy but I was at peace. We viewed a flat and I knew it was the one man I just didnt think we stood a chance as it was in a posh area and quite expensive and we were not posh and you know how landlords would stereotype a young black couple so I really began to give up hope of finding somewhere. But then they called and told us the place was all ours and we could come and collect the keys in two weeks I was so happy we were happy, it felt like things were finally gonna go right. The day before I was due to move in my manager dismissed me unfairly due to pregnancy discrimination. It didn't come as much of a shock because of all the shit id put up with them since telling them I was pregnant, but I couldnt believe people could actually do this stuff to people. It was disgusting I was so mad and now breaking down because I didnt even know if id be able to afford to live in our beautiful new home. All the stuff we'd brought and I didnt wanna be a young mom living in at my mothers house it was all just to much once again I manned up and realised I had alot of savings and still had another wage to come my way and some unpaid holiday so I was going to be okay until that ran out. Of course my partner works hard and he could pay everything but that is not something I wanted either so I made sure to even out my savings to last until the summer by then id be receiving maternity pay anyway. I was terrified for the 12 week scan as alot of pregnancies dont make it to the 2nd trimester all I could think about was what I had lost before I just couldn't accept anything good would happen for me so once again sick and nervous I went to my next scan and there it was again a beautiful little heartbeat , so strong and the way they were wiggling about in me on the scan I still just could not believe it more scan photos were given and I left feeling abit happier once again still filled with terror and worry. I began to wonder whether or not id ever be able to enjoy been pregnant and if it was even worth it worth putting on the fake smiles every day worth looking at my changing body going from been super underweight hardly , controlled eating basically not eating at all - when I was sad cos It was the only thing I felt I had control over , to having no choice but to eat constantly all the time even through all the horrible morning sickness that FYI doesnt just fucking occur in the mornings. Ugh. Whatever. I have no choice for me pregnancy felt horrible its a really weird experience I didn't understand how women skipped about with their big bellies all happy and excited cos I was not happy or excited I loved my baby of course but It filled me with dread to think I could be growing them but never get to meet them again I just was not prepared for this at all and Im twenty years old. Isnt that old enough? Hell no. But theres nothing I can do. Fast forward 16 weeks pregnant and received news you can pay for a private scan to reveal the gender. So basically to put it blunt I thought everytime I had another scan I wouldnt see the babies heartbeat sounds paranoid and ridiculous and surely after three scans id calm down . Nope it got worse for me. So of course I wanted to find out the gender but for me it was just another way to see if the baby was still alive in me. The day of my gender scan I actually had an appointment with the midwife to listen to the heartbeat. So i went into that terrified as well my midwife knew how scared I was and dealt with me really nicely she eased me into it and then I heard my beautiful baby's heartbeat for the first time. Oh my God it was shocking I felt breathless I was listening to my baby's heartbeat. (Ive just noticed excuse my poor grammar throughout I never liked school lol) but that heartbeat the most special thing to me its all I could think about. Then in the evening when it came to my private scan I was still terrified at finding their heartbeat even though id heard it literally a few hours before! It was then that I realised I actually had a real problem. But whatever suppressed that again and readied myself for what they were saying in the scan. So I brought along my sister my dad my mom my partner and my bestfriend as you were paying you could have five people in the room lol. This if your highly nervous I wouldnt recommend they were all so excited and happy I just couldnt figure out how they were so excited and happy whilst I was miserable and terrified. So on the scan table the cold jelly again and then the sonographer started to feel around I covered my eyes again of course like I did every scan then got the all clear that there was a heartbeat then started to watch it was beautiful I couldnt get over the fact a little human was inside my belly so weird so magical wow. The sonographer asked so do you want to know the sex my family were all like wooo yeahh I didnt say anything just half heartedly smiled all of a sudden then sonographer told me its a girl!!! Oh my God. I had a little girl growing inside me a mini me. I sobbed abit again. Unreal my very own little daughter. So overwhelming that I actually started to feel really upset thats another thing about been pregnant these raging hormones noone warns you about this stuff I swear. So we were having a little girl (something my partner had said all along) and I was still not happy. I started to feel really selfish and bad. I explained I felt lonely I dont know how when I wasn't alone but it was just not a great feeling at all I really needed help I started to act irrationally and like an emotional wreck I definitely needed to accept some help so a week or so later I spoke up and was referred to a mental health midwife. Which to me sounded dramatic as fuck. But cos id struggled with mental health before it was something they had recommended anyway but stubborn old me didn't take the help. But now it was official I was dealing with antenatal depression like a constant feeling of impending doom I just couldn't be happy ever again could I? At Least not until my daughter was in my arms. I dont do talking or taking sad pills I couldn't drink I couldn't get high or control my eating like before not to mention I couldnt just have the maddest sex session either as I was scared that would harm my baby to. Ugh. I couldn't do nothing man because I was pregnant so my stress went straight to my head all everyone kept saying was dont stress you'll stress out the baby. Like really thank fuck you just said that never thought of that before. I literally couldnt listen to people and their stupid comments I just tried to accept they were trying to help and whatever they were saying was in my best interest. Okay Now this is were my story so far gets real fucked up. Ive been trying to think how to word this since before even starting to write this. Writing it in my head over and over but this is were it gets really personal to me. We're almost up to the current point in my story so far to. So 19 weeks pregnant I am terrified (surprise) for my next scan next week, its the 20 week scan it looks at your baby and your inside properly in abit more detail and sees if things are forming the way they should with the baby and with the umbilical cord, the placenta, the sack of fluid baby is in just all sorts of things. So of course im fearing the worst noone gets why I always fear the worst but I did it before been pregnant anyway so now im pregnant it just made it that bit worse for me. Im showing now by the way got a right little belly going on lol my moms started with a baby box , little socks her first teddy , a couple outfits she even managed to convince me to buy my little girl something I brought her some girly dinosaur baby grows as Id never saw dinosaurs for girls before and I loved it. So this beautiful little baby girl box. I looked through now and again and I wouldnt say I got used to been pregnant but I started to feel her little movements her little swimming and butterfly movements in my tummy so as much as Id tried to stay detached incase of any loss I was attatched whether I liked it or not. My baby girl. I pictured what shed look like , where id take her , what me and my partner would be like with a baby and what a daddy he would be. Holidays with her and just the rest of my life with her. My saviour she'd even made me able to forgive my partner and to care a lot less about the silly little things in life when I think about it she's the only reason Id found a way to want to live again, like she'd given me a purpose like I didnt need to have my eating disorders anymore or get high or get drunk all I needed was to feel her move. I dreamed about kissing and feeling her skin for the first time, I just couldnt believe id been given the opportunity from God to bring one of his angels onto the earth. Had me really in my feelings and thats not me at all. Crazy shit. Anyway back to the scan. Im 21 weeks and 3 days now and its the day of my scan to see if everything's okay me and my partner are nervous of course but im with my mom and him again and there telling me everything's gonna be fine and I just need to chill out. So we get into the scan I cover my eyes once again and then the doctor tells me theres a heartbeat , a strong heartbeat. so I open my eyes and start to look his scanning all over explaining what he can see so far then he goes quiet and starts to scan the same place over and over again, her heart. So I just get a feeling somethings wrong. A single tear comes out my eye and I just lye on the bed waiting for him to say something to give me some information , finally he says im just going to get a second opinion. Thanks for all that info Dr fucking who. My mom and my partners faces they look so sad , so sad for me for them for us all man we dont understand whats going on were just waiting for them to say something more. Two doctors come in the room and scan her heart again shes wriggling all over the place at this point sucking her thumb , waving her arms. I just cant look at the screen anymore I cant bring myself to look at her. The doctor says im so sorry but we suspect she has hypo plastic left heart syndrome, well fuck me. From when he said im so sorry I just couldnt breathe again I didnt even know what the fuck he meant but im scared and im upset and im desperate. My partner looks so sad to. I just feel so bad I just want to apoligize to everyone I just dont understand why I cant do this one thing a women's supposed to do. So the doctor gives us some notes and refers us to a fetal medicine scanner to confirm the diagnosis. Basically the left side of her heart hadn't formed properly he told us what to look at online and what to read etc. I just couldnt believe it. I felt like a fool for ever believing something good could happen for me for us. So we left thinking we had nothing left. I had already started grieving and she wasnt even gone! I was grieving like she was though I just lost all hope. Reading up on the syndrome it means she will need open heart surgery at just a few hours old, then another open heart surgery at around 7 months if she was even to make it through the first op. Then another open heart surgery at 2/3 years old. Then eventually a heart transplant as her heart will never work like a normal heart and it can never be fixed. Well ill be damned. I spent the next few days until the fetal medicine scan breaking down in the shower and staying in bed anything I was doing included bed I didnt wanna leave bed I didnt wanna talk to anyone I was defeated. I couldn't bring myself to go into the room with that damn baby box. Fetal medicine scan day. Which are more skilled doctors sonographers that specify in looking at problems and confirming them. By this point id given up been scared before the scan as I was scared everyday. Waking up was like hearing the diagnosis all over again because as soon as I opened my eyes I would remember. So the doctors scanned and it was confirmed hypoplastic left heart syndrome my poor baby girl thinking of everything shes gonna have to deal with. How long would I know her? If I got to know her at all would she even survive the first op? Second? Third? What the fuck. Why me? Why me and my baby Im a good person Ive done a few bad things but ive dealt with more bad Jesus why me ? Did I really not deserve a break I just couldnt believe my luck. They offered me three options. Termination. Which I considered for a little while as I believed it would hurt less if I lost her now than loosing her when Id met her. Is it better to have loved and lost or to have lost and never loved? What kind of shitty statement is that I dont even know what to think anymore. I decide if shes still fighting then I have to fight with her I cant just give up hope for my baby girl. So cancel out that option. Next. They offer the three stages of the operations but thats not including any complications and operations to fix anything else that goes wrong oh and also my baby has to weigh over 5 pounds to be able to have these operations anyway and cant have any chromosomal issues such as down syndrome or Edwards syndrome then they really cant operate at all and nature just has to take its way. And the last option was compassionate care so when my baby's born they help us plan the funeral and give us extra support. To me all these options were fucked the fuck up and I just didnt want to have to choose any of them. We had like a week to make a decision until we met with the cardiologist who would explain my little girls problems in more depth as every baby is different of course and look in depth at her little heart. See if it was even possible to operate how much damage was actually done. Well fuck me. I seriously didnt even know this condition existed and neither did my family and friends. I couldn't help but just feel grief and defeat. But as long as my daughter kept fighting I knew that I was going to so we picked the second option deciding to go through with the operations if that was a possibility for her. Appointment over. I couldnt even bring myself to look at my stomach that night truth be told i couldn't even look at myself at all. I just felt like a failure If i couldn't do this what could I do? I thought about how my life will never be the same ever again as most babies take up to three months to leave the hospital if they even get to at all how much we'd have to be in the hospital for the rest of her life. Weve been dealt some real shit cards. Cant I just give her some of my heart? Cant my partner give some of his heart? We would give her anything she needed. Not possible. Ive tried to think of how to explain the next week to you guys but its impossible to put into words for me it felt like been in a box in the deepest point of the sea and seeing a random submarine in the distance but if you try to scream to get its attention you'd drown. Although that comparison is shitty because nothing could compare to the way I was feeling. Grief pure grief and heart break, I didnt know why God kept testing me but I also didnt want to question him. Cardiologist appointment arrived and in we went again to check over our baby. So her little heart is underdeveloped and the right side is doing everything for the left side. Everything else looks fine her growth is normal and her movements. The biggest problem though her heart. Now there are four severe things that could be wrong with her heart adding to her syndrome meaning she is unable to have the operation and she only had one of them. Her areola a small vaule to the heart was only 1mm big which will make it harder for the surgeons performing her operation. So it makes a high risk operation even more high risk. Then the cardiologist started coming at us with statistics and they sounded real shit , any hope I'd had left she knocked it the fuck out of me. Information overload I just couldnt believe what I was hearing still all I kept thinking about was how long we're going to know her for I mean we still dont know what were dealing with properly until shes here anyway all we know is she has a 25/75 chance of survival with the op . And a even lower chance without the op. So much to take in. We were told a charity named little hearts matter would get in touch with us and that we could go and visit parents or surviving babies after the op and then we would go and have a look at the children's hospital where our baby will be transported to straight after birth ( I wont even get to hold her until after the op ) blah blah blah just more words that hurt and I just wanted to get into bed. Left that appointment feeling worse than when we went in. I cried a hell of alot that night to in the shower were I felt I could just sit with the freezing cold water hitting me trying to wake me up out of this emotional daze I had dropped into. I went a walk and contemplated just jumping into the moving traffic so me and her could just be free together in a better place. No I refuse to sink. After that I realised most people my age could not put up with half the stuff I've been through hell people twice my age couldn't. I remembered I was super strong (more so than ever before) and that my daughter was just as strong as her mommy. The next day we spoke with the charity and now theres a lovely lady who calls me to see if were okay and how baby's doing. And I have more hope than ever I believe everything is going to be okay in the end and God only tests his strongest people. My baby girl is my will to live and she keeps me strong and she now kicks me real hard every single day her daddy feels and sees her kicks and so do my family and friends. She's so beautiful and strong im now 25 weeks and waiting on more scans I have to have one every two weeks and endless appointments monitoring her. Im a high risk pregnancy but I'm okay for the first time in a while and whenever I have a down day and cry a little my baby makes sure to kick me so I know she doesnt want her mommy to be sad. Dont get me wrong nothing is cured certainly my despair and broken heart for her broken heart, some days I feel like I can take on the world and anything it throws my way and other days I cant imagine loosing my little darling , it really hurts not knowing how long I may know her for. But I just have to accept life is an amazing gift no matter how short or long. And although I'm to young to be dealing with all this shit I'm making it my mission to deal with all of this shit just for my girl. And I hope to raise awareness on alot of issues raised in my post. Ill be writing more when the times right and thankyou for listening x https://m.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=1700345300267324&id=1696783053956882 https://www.betterhelp.com/start/?utm_source=AdWords&utm_medium=Search_PPC_m&utm_term=mental+health+helpline_p&utm_content=41730113956&network=g&placement=&target=&matchtype=p&utm_campaign=384715930_mobile&ad_type=text&adposition=1t1&gclid=CK7R9-e03tMCFcy37QodO20LaA&gor=start-go&fv=d http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/stress-anxiety-depression/Pages/mental-health-helplines.aspx https://www.nct.org.uk/pregnancy/antenatal-depression http://mensadviceline.org.uk https://www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/helpline/ My story so far ! .. Stay tuned. #mentalhealth #awareness #littleheartsmatter #speak #useyourvoice #love #follow #strong #pleaseread #story