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maximumkillshot · 10 months

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I Can't Lose You-Part 8

Warnings: Depressed Seungmin, Nightmares, Descriptions of Grief, Mentions of a Suicide Flag being raised, Sadness, If I missed any lemme know.

Pairing: BangChan x Reader

Characters: Stray Kids, Nurse, Reader, Dr.Yun

A/N: Hello Everyone we are back on the main storyline! Have fun I guess? Still sorry... so so so sososososoooso sorry.

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Once it was clear that you were out for the count, everyone started falling asleep one by one. No one was willing to leave just yet. They wanted to make sure you knew that no one was leaving you. Eventually, it was just Seungmin and Bin who were awake. Seungmin noticed that Bin’s eyes started drooping, “Go to sleep, Hyung. I’ll stay up in case she wakes up.” He petted your hair back, making sure you were comfortable.

“If she needs me.” Bin looked down at you, worried…

“You will be the first person I wake up, okay?” Seungmin made a face, it was gentle yet insistent. He was going to get Bin to sleep whether he wanted to or not. It wasn’t up for discussion. Elder or not, Seungmin knows that he has been through hell, and even now Bin is fixed on you. He can see it. Bin is doing his best to piece together the shards left over.

Bin looked up at Seungmin and said, “Thank you. I know it’s not easy, knew you were close with her, thank you for staying strong.” Bin wanted to say a hundred more things. He’s observant, Bin saw the way he looked at you. He also saw the tearstains on Seungmin’s face. The pain was written in his features as he looked at you. He noticed when Seungmin went to touch you for the first time after the episode, to lean forward and kiss your forehead, it was less of reassurance and more of a mutual pain. He couldn’t pinpoint the feeling at the time. All he knew was there was a lot that he didn’t know.

Seungmin just said, “We are all close to her. Not nearly as close as you. You need rest, Hyung. Don’t worry, I got it.” Seungmin was the only one awake for a few hours as everyone slept. He was looking at his mail order account, deleting all of the future purchases that would’ve been made as a surprise for the baby. He had everything in either pink, blue, or yellow.

He stopped for a minute at the toy elephant that you gushed over one time at a mall, you loved the texture and you couldn’t get over the cute floppy ears on it. It was the first thing he saved on his list. He moved on to the educational toys that you had to have, the toy rings, and the play mats.

The one that really got him was the blankets with the month countdown to one year. He could see it in his head, you excitedly laying the baby down on it and taking a picture for social media, you circling the month during the editing of the photo.

While Minho is great at visualization, Seungmin is great at audiation, he can imagine sounds without them being present in the environment. Seungmin could hear you chirping at him, “Look at him, Minnie! Look at your cute little nephew Chanseung! I can't believe the time is flying by so fast! Who is that? That’s Uncle Minnie!” He smiled at the sound that he’d never hear. He stared at that blanket for a while, before forcing himself to delete it.

He could feel the tears running down his face, seeing the empty list. He looked up to you, and he whispered to himself, “I want to take the pain away. The hurt, I don’t know how, Birdie.” He pulled the blanket up a little higher up your back, making sure you were covered, and sheltered.

He started filling it back up, searching “how to help someone cope with miscarriage..” He hit search and books started popping up. He read some reviews and settled on three, “What Could Have Been: Helping Her Through Misscarriage”, “Grief and Loss: Learning How to Cope with Misscarriage”, and “Up Above: Journal For Mom To A Baby In Heaven”.

Then he searched, “Coping With Miscarriage As A Family.” Once again he read the reviews, settling on, “Staying Strong: Coping as A Family”, “It Takes A Village: Grief And Family”, and finally, “Stronger Together: Surviving Miscarriage as a Family”.

He also looked up, “Memento for Miscarriage.” And a unisex bracelet popped up, it had a little charm on it of a sun. He decided to get 7 of them. The one he got for you was different. It was a 14k gold bracelet with a charm of a pair of baby feet. There was a plate on the bracelet that could be engraved with anything, so he took a picture of the wavelength of the baby’s heartbeat from the ultrasound and uploaded it. He didn’t want to acknowledge Chan in this but also, the baby was his. He found a stainless steel bracelet with a thicker band, something that he’d wear. He did the same with his bracelet as well, uploading the heartbeat.

Seungmin couldn’t get what you screamed at Chan out of his head. The baby was right there, in your belly. He couldn’t help the fact that he knew what you were talking about. Seungmin was there for it all so for Chris to say, “It was mine too,” was a slap in the face. He wasn’t there. That was when Seungmin realized something. Chan started fucking Soo two months ago… You found out you were pregnant two months ago. The entire time you knew you were pregnant, planning for him, still cooking for him, doing everything in your power to surprise him, and carrying his child on top of that. Meanwhile, he was busy fucking his side piece. He was so busy in fact that he didn’t even realize that you wore baggier clothes, slept more, and avoided some of your favorite foods like the plague. At this point, Chan was more sperm donor than father, but Seungmin still felt that the baby was here, in a way, he felt like he needed to remind everyone because they weren’t able to know the baby the way that he did.

Seungmin was in a depression, he could feel it starting, not because of you. He was so depressed because Minho was right. Seungmin looked up to Chan. He never had an older brother, and Chan was that for him. Annoying him any chance he got, giving him advice, and being a role model through and through. He didn’t know what was happening to you in your marriage at all until Felix and Minho kept disappearing every weekend to spend time with you. He told himself that you knew what you were getting into. It was only when he got closer and started spending so much time with you that he learned that Chan promised you so many things, and didn’t hold up on his end. He promised to be home a a decent time, some nights he didn’t even show up at home. He promised he’d take Sundays off when he isn’t touring, he never did take them off at all.

As he thought about this, he heard the door open. He could see multiple pairs of feet in the shadows on the ground. A small woman walked in with a clipboard and a doctor’s coat along with the nurse. The nurse already knew most of what was going on, the overnight doctor briefing her on the delicate nature of the situation.

The nurse came closer to Seungmin as she whispered, “Is she still resting well?”

Seungmin nodded. He looked over to the bed seeing Bin’s hand buried in your hair, his lips close enough to kiss your head, his other hand over yours on his chest. Seungmin smiled at that, reminding himself he’d need to get a picture of this.

The nurse said, “Is there any way we can speak to you in the hall?”

Again, Seungmin nodded. He whispered, “Let me wake someone, I don’t want her to panic if she wakes up and I’m missing.”

The nurse nodded with a smile as Seungmin tried to make a decision on who he’d wake. He decided on Hyunjin, as out of everyone, he was able to sleep a little in the car. Seungmin walked through the minefield of members over to Hyunjin, who had Lix using his leg as a pillow. “Hyunjin wake up, the nurse wants to speak to me outside, if Hannie wakes up he can meet us in the hall, otherwise let him sleep.” Hyunjin nodded as he wiped his eyes. When Seungmin stepped out into the hall the nurse introduced the petite woman as Dr.Yun, she was the attending psychiatrist in charge of your case.

Seungmin’s eyebrows dipped, “Psychiatrist?”

The doctor looked and said, “Yes I think it’s better if we talk in the consult room, more private that way.” Seungmin nodded, shooting Hyunjin a text about where he’ll be at.

As soon as the door closed, the doctor started, “Do you know why I am here?”

Seungmin nodded. He knew why. He didn’t want to say it out loud though. “I know why you’re here. I just thought they’d do this sort of thing outpatient.”

The doctor sat down with him, “Usually that is the case, but Y/N raised a suicide risk flag by her expressing her want to die.”

He nodded, in his head he was thinking, if you only knew what she had gone through, you’d understand why she said that. Instead, he went with, “What would you like to know? I want to help.” If Seungmin was being honest, he rarely ever met a situation that he didn’t prepare for. Except for last night. He didn’t know what to do and if he didn’t know, he wasn’t comfortable with you going in there. So when he saw you get up he wanted to scream to you that you didn’t need to do this. Another thing that he knew was… you did. You have never seen a problem and not faced it right then and there. You have always been the type of person to tackle it. So him asking you not to do that, would have been out of the question.

Just thinking about it gave him chills, where everyone would run away… you ran towards. Even if your brain had every cell of your body screaming to run away… you always ran towards. That was one of the things that he admired most about you. You’re brave. So when he saw you, the fear in your eyes, it rocked him. You were staring into his soul saying that you, the fearless one, were scared. But you weren’t scared of anything… other than losing him. Of waking up, and never seeing him again. The fear was deafening in your voice. Barely above a whisper, tears spilling onto Bin’s chest.

She started off with, “How was she before this?”

Seungmin’s face fell as he recalled all of the moments he shared with you before last night, “Happy. Excited. Hopeful. The opposite of who you know.” Seungmin looked at the nurse. The nurse’s face dropped a little. Anyone who looked at Seungmin could tell he was in shambles, if they looked at any of the boys, they could tell that. That’s why no one was forcing those 7 boys away from you. It was clear you needed them and even clearer that they needed you.

The doctor continued, “The notes in her chart say that she miscarried due to a trauma, do you know the specifics?”

“Yes, I do.” He said. The doctor waited for him to continue, “She walked in on her husband cheating on her with her best friend on their third anniversary.”

Seungmin couldn’t help but think that Bin would’ve never let you go a night alone let alone your third anniversary. “All of the people in that room were there. The man on the bed, Bin, told us all to meet at the house, that her husband, his ex-best friend, never showed up to the anniversary dinner. He didn’t have a good feeling about it. We all walked in on it. She just sat on the couch, staring at a photo of them on their wedding day, while she heard him saying the most disgusting things, how her friend was so much better than her, how good she made him feel, how he couldn’t wait to leave her. It broke her. Broke all of us.” Seungmin was staring at his hands by the end of it, imagining if he had a wife, that he could never do that.

“I see. Did anyone know about the baby?” She asked as if reading Seungmin’s mind.

“I did.” He started breaking, hearing the heartbeat again. Your teary reaction playing on repeat in his head. You were so nervous, excited, and curious. All of the things that raced through your mind could be read all over your face that day. The minute you saw that little bean, that baby, tears sprang to your eyes, once you heard that heartbeat, you were already more in love than you could ever describe. It made Seungmin cry. A life was right there, and he was hearing it. He couldn’t wait to tell your child this story. “I figured it out before she did.”

“Do you think that she needs help coping? We have plenty of resources and we’d be more than happy to-”

“Yes. She’s going to need all of the help she can get. She went from being pregnant and being in a happy marriage, to losing her baby, her husband, and her best friend in less than 24 hours.” Seungmin answered honestly. Your entire life was ripped apart. All because of two people who didn’t deserve your time and energy. To think that those people he would’ve trusted with children of his own. Instead, they showed their true colors at the worst possible time. The question almost annoyed Seungmin. Was the doctor not listening to what he just said? He thought in his head, my friend… The only other person who knew about this baby 48 hours ago… Just lost everything and this doctor’s question is ‘Will she need help’? NO FUCKING SHIT SHE NEEDS HELP… we all need help. None of us know how the fuck to help her. We are all destroyed, I am in turmoil, she will never be the same… HOW DO YOU EVEN HAVE A DEGREE LET ALONE A DOCTORATE?! Minnie knew it was misplaced anger. He took a cleansing breath as he looked up at the doctor.

“Will it need to be inpatient?” She asked.

“If she has us, no. If you leave her to her own devices, she won’t make it. He was all she had, well thought she had. We were all friends with her husband first. She’s terrified that we’ll leave her. We will never leave her.” Seungmin added.

“Is there anywhere she can go? Going back to her home with her husband can make everything worse.” The doctor stated.

Seungmin nodded and said, “We’ll figure all of that out, don’t worry about that. How do we help her?” the tears started rolling, “I as well as everyone else in that room feels so helpless, she is the sweetest person we know. We need to help her, how?” His tears right now are from frustration.

The doctor looked at Seungmin, “Communication is key. She may not want to communicate right away, that’s normal. She also needs to take the medicine we prescribe, she may not want to take it as well. It’s tricky because many women who miscarry have guilt. They feel like they failed, like they don’t deserve to be alive. You need to constantly remind her that what happened wasn’t her fault. Her body went through severe trauma. Remind her that she is worthy of breathing, smiling, laughing, enjoying life.”

Seungmin looked at the doctor, “Okay. Would you need to talk to her?” Seungmin asked, “So far whenever she tries to go back, she has to be sedated, her heart can’t take it.”

The doctor thought for a minute and said, “I’m still going to have to talk to her before discharge,”

“Is there any way you could let her sleep for a while? She's so exhausted.”

The doctor nodded and said, “I’ll be back tomorrow so she'll have more time to regulate. Thank you for taking the time to talk, I know that it can be hard to talk about things like this but what you told me gave me some valuable insight into what happened.”

Seungmin walked back to the room as he tried to think of a way to keep you close and at the same time, give you the space you needed to heal.

When he sat back down with Hyunjin he texted him.

“Hyunjin, the psychiatrist just came in. I told her what happened.”

Hyunjin looked at his phone and read it. Seconds later he started typing, “My guess is that they heard Y/N that she wanted to die.”

Seungmin immediately replied, “Yeah. They said that after they talk to her it’s recommended that she doesn’t go back to the house. That it’ll make everything worse. I’m trying to figure out how to do this. I don’t want Chan anywhere near her.”

Hyunjin’s face turned hard, “At this point, I don’t want to be there, either. He’s toxic. I feel sick thinking that he was our friend. I had no clue she was going through all of this. He’s so toxic.”

Seungmin thought for a minute, “Wherever she’s going I think Felix, Minho, Bin, and Hannie should be with her.”

Hyunjin nodded, “Maybe an apartment? Or switching houses. I think she may want someplace familiar.”

Seungmin said “When she gets up we should ask her. They never told me when they were thinking of discharging her.”

Hyunjin shook his head, “No, she just went through an episode, making her make a decision right after sedation isn’t a good idea. Maybe ask Bin??”

Seungmin smiled, “Yeah that’s a good idea. For now, they all need rest. You included. Thanks for staying up for me.”

Hyunjin just went back to sleep after nodding at Seungmin. It wasn’t lost on Hyunjin that Seungmin was clearly distraught in that hallway. He knew that now wasn’t the time. Maybe when things calmed down. When everyone was feeling less tense, Hyunjin could reapproach.

After a few hours, people started slowly waking up until everyone was lucid, be it from hunger, or eventually hearing the mumbles of others. The nurses would pop in occasionally, giving whatever they could to help you and the boys. A little into most being awake except for yourself and Bin, you started mumbling. Han looked at the clock. His gaze shot to his phone, it was almost time for your next anxiety medication. They warned him that sometimes nearing the next dose, your anxiety would kick back up, and he told everyone to quiet down for a second. He wanted to make sure you weren’t in any distress.

He noticed you started to mumble, “Chris, my boys… where… my boys…Binnie…” All of the boys looked like the only thing they wanted to do was wake you. The nurses advised Han, however, that the best way to wake you was not in the middle of the nightmare, you’d probably remember it, and usually that only compounds the trauma. So all he could really do was watch. You gripped Bin’s hoodie and he woke up immediately, his eyes snapping to you. He woke up to hear your mumbles, “Chris…. Not…not my boys… please..” He saw you start to cry in your sleep.

He whispered, “We’re here Angel, not going anywhere it’s okay.”

You started shaking, “Where… Binnie… don’t take… from me. Chris please…my boys…help…”

Bin couldn’t see any more of this. He started to pet your hair a little more intently, as he directed Han to get the nurse. Then he started raising his volume a little bit, “Angel… wake up for me… Angel… Y/N…” He started lightly jostling you as he squeezed your hand under his lightly, “Angel it’s a nightmare, wake up… Y/N…”

Finally, your eyes snapped open as you squeezed him, “Binnie… Chris took you away… Took all of you away…”

“Shhhh shhhhh it’s okay, it was a nightmare, we’re here. It’s okay.”

“He took my boys away,” Your eyes were glassy, pupils dilated as you registered where you were. You looked around and Seungmin came up to pet your hair.

“Hi Birdie, it’s okay. It’s alright. You’re okay, we’re all here. Hannie is getting the nurse, okay?”

Seungmin could see your body shaking slightly, he got down to your level again and held your hand while Bin kept rubbing your back.

You looked at Seungmin and started tearing up again, “you didn’t leave?” He wiped your tears and said, “Why would I? You're here. I wouldn’t be anywhere else.” He smiled at you, “Just breathe Birdie… you’re okay.”

He could tell you wanted him closer, “Do you want to lay on me? Would that help, Birdie?”

You couldn’t really talk but you nodded, then he looked to Bin and said, “Okay beat it Seo, she wants me now…” Making you giggle a little. Bin looked at you and reluctantly let go with a kiss on your head.

Once again, Seungmin is in no way shape, or form known for skinship but there he was lying so content next to you. Everyone has no idea what is going on. Lix looked to Seungmin and was very skeptical as he said, “O… okay I want to cuddle at home and he’s all ‘I need my personal space’ but if it’s Y/N… I got it Kim Seungmin… You’re lucky I’m not the jealous type.”

Minho piped up with “You are the jealous type.” with a scoff and Lix fired back with, “Good point…. What does Y/N have Seungmin? Huh? I have long hair and cute freckles, I’m adorable. So what is it?”

Seungmin just looked at you and whispered “Watch this…” Then he addressed Lix, “Easy you’re not Birdie.” That made you giggle a little more. You still shook but you were coming out of it a little.

Lix said, “I’m a bird, you don’t know Bbokari? I am even cuter I’m a baby chick…”

Seungmin nudged your back so Lix didn’t see it and he said, “You also commit cannibalism…” He narrowed his eyes as you started to laugh. Felix looked down at you and smirked as Seungmin said, “And Birdie is way cuter than you, Lix.” His jaw dropped, bright like that and Seungmin copied his expression.

“I mean you’re right but why come for my throat like that?” He fake scoweled at him as he sat back down, playfully turning his back to Seungmin, “uncalled for…”

Once again Minho acted disinterested as he deadpanned, “I mean he is right Yongbok-ah.”

Then Felix said, “You too?!” And you laughed even harder.

Felix looked at you and said, “Flower, am I cute?” He asked with a fake quiver on his lip. Felix’s nickname for you was Flower. The reason for it is one of his favorite memories with you. Felix and you are really the only two people out of everyone who actually stop to take in the surroundings around you. There was one time you got so excited when you found a pretty flower blooming on a tree while you both were out on a walk. He literally heard a squeak and then you were darting toward a tree. When he looked in the direction you darted in you were trying to jump to grab one of the flowers on its branches.

He walked over to you, and still, no matter how high you jumped, you couldn’t reach it. He giggled to himself as he said, “Which one are you aiming for Y/N?”

You said “The one on the tip of that branch.” It was a good jump away for you. But you weren’t a dancer with years of Taekwondo training.

He smirked as he said, “Okay jumping bean stand back.” You did and in one leap he snatched the flower off the branch. He walked over to you and put it in your hair. “I can’t decide which flower is more pretty.” He took a picture of you and said, “Hm this one,” He booped your nose and showed you the picture, “See?” You giggled and thanked him and you both kept on walking, since then that’s been your contact photo, the name it’s saved under being Flower.

“Of course you are, Lixie!” you answered.

“Oh thank god, Flower doesn’t lie so I’m good.” He grabbed his chest, as he slunk down.

Meanwhile, Hyunjin took Bin to the hall to talk.

He started off with.“Seungmin talked to the Psychiatrist. He told her the gist of the situation, and she said that after she talked to Y/N, she’d be discharged. They recommended that she doesn’t enter the house. At least not yet. It’s too big of a stress on her.”

“Ok, I figured that,” Bin said nodding as he carded his hand through his hair, thinking.

Hyunjin continued, “He talked with me and we wanted to know what you thought. Maybe you and Hannie switching houses with Seungmin and someone else if she wants somewhere familiar. If she wants her own place, maybe an apartment where you and Hannie, Lix, and Minho go with her. We figured you four wouldn’t want to leave her side either way.”

“Yeah, I’m not leaving her anywhere. Hmm. She’s too fragile to ask this question right now. Do we have a timeframe of when they are looking to discharge her?”

“No not really,” Hyunjin said.

“Okay, can you find that out for me? At least an estimation, I want to give her as much time as possible to be somewhat calmer. If she can’t make a decision I’ll take her somewhere with me, get her away where she can process a little. Thanks, Hyunjin.”

“You don’t need to thank me,” Hyunjin said. When both of them went back inside they walked in on you starting to look a little more yourself. You were looking around and then looked at Bin.

“Hello Angel, how are you feeling?” Bin asked.

“M’good… But I want something.” You looked guilty which made him laugh.

“Let me guess….” He looked intently at you thinking…. “Hmmmm… you hungry?”

You nodded your head, “But not just anything…” You trailed off.

Seungmin knew that face… You have a craving. He’s thinking about how he is going to get you what you want without causing suspicion. Lately, it’s been for Felix’s brownies. There were a lot of questions he had to answer and luckily he knew exactly how to answer them.

Bin’s face scrunched up, “Craving?” he asked.

You nodded. The suspense is killing Seungmin, they could’ve been halfway to the car by now. “Let me guess,” Seungmin said.

Everyone looked at him, “Felix’s Brownies?”

You nodded at Seungmin. You weren’t panicking or anything. You have full confidence that he would protect your privacy.

Minho could tell something as he said, “How did you know that, Kim Seungmin?” He had a quizzical look about him as Seungmin smirked.

“Listen I know exactly how addicting those things are, they are the reason why I got yelled at by management before last comeback. I also know that she loves chocolate, so put two and two together.” Seungmin smirked.

“Ok…. so why are they at her house and not ours?” Minho asked, grinning like a cat that got the cream.

“You tell me what’ll survive longer at our house, Minho… Chicken shakes or Brownies?” He smirked eyes narrowing.

Minho said nothing and Seungmin said, “Exactly… My brownie stash is at their place, they had a better chance of surviving there, especially with Hyunjin’s bottomless pit of a stomach. All Birdie asked was that I brought a sacrificial pan for her.” He is lying through his teeth right now. All three were for you and he happily let you eat all of it in front of him, knowing you were probably lacking Magnesium. Of course, he wasn’t reckless, he’d check your sugar levels and would walk with you to keep them down.

Felix laughed as he said, “That’s why you had me bake five of them and only two were in the house the next day??”

Seungmin nodded, “Speaking of.” he thought for a second as he said, “We are down to how many, Birdie?”

You looked up at him and said, “Ok so first…. Did I mention you are so loved by me and your friendship means the WORLD to me…”

“Birdie? Out with it.”

“Half a pan, Minnie.” Seungmin’s jaw dropped, again, at completely known information already. He should get a performance award or something. “I have a weakness for delicious deserts and I am not above admitting that, can you go by the house and get it, Minnie?” Bin couldn’t find it in himself not to coo at you.

“You are so adorable it’s criminal. I can’t handle you.” He said absentmindedly as his shoulders slumped in acceptance.

“Am I so adorable that you’ll go with Minnie to get it?” You smiled wide, as if to make yourself more cute, not that you could to Binnie.

“Angel… I’m not comfortable leaving you...” Bin said.

“I knoooooooow but I’m really craving it. Please, Binnie” You did the cute eyes, the jutting lip… the same exact look that made his stomach do summersaults and his heart explode since he’s met you.

“Yah Angel, with the face, and the…” he took in a lungful of air. “Fiiiiiine fine fine. Okay, I’ll go, okay. Because you asked.”

You smiled at him and said, “Thank you thank you thank you!!”

The whole ride was not too bad, passed in silence mostly. Bin was gearing himself up to be in that house again. He’s learned a lot about Chan, the thing above all is to stay calm. He’s just wondering if that is even a possibility at this point. Just seeing him makes Bin want to put Chris’ face through the nearest brick wall. Yes, he knows it’ll take multiple times to get his head through it, and if there is one thing he knows, the wall will win, but Bin was damn sure going to try.

When they parked Bin was the first to say, “We go in… we get the snacks and we leave.” He said it more for himself than anything. As he opened the door he saw Chris which didn’t surprise him, being on the phone did.

He smirked up at Bin as he said, “Of course I didn’t mean it, I love you, Baby, you know that.”

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