#downside to talking about Experience Of Being In A Body is now i'm aware i'm sitting Very uncomfortably in this chair

[erstwhilesparrow]

1, 29, 30 for ao3 wrapped!!

ao3 wrapped ask game

hiiii :D!!

How many words have you written this year?

oh boy. okay. so my ao3 stats say that i have posted 122,849 words on ao3 this year. this... does not include all the ficlets i have posted on tumblr (i wrote a bunch of drabbles back in may/june as treats for the mcytblr drabble exchange, as i'm sure you recall, and then there've been whatever other random bits of writing i've posted throughout the year) and also this does not include the various catrina-and-sparrow shared AUs that exist primarily in fragments in my google drive and across a few notes apps. AND whatever i wrote with my irl friends as part of our weekly writing exercises. i'm gonna estimate it's at least 125k words, it's probably more than that? uh. but i guess the name of the game is ao3 wrapped. so. i have already given you my answer ^^;

29. Favorite line/passage you wrote this year?

don't do this to me. i was already struggling to pick a favourite work. don't you know i'm self-obsessed and love my own writing.

all right i'm picking this one from branches, but softer:

No one could take the sound of rain on topsoil from him, the softening splatter of mud and stomped puddles. A downpour that made the whole clouded sky that drowsy, welcoming kind of quiet. The wet dog smell Ren brought with him into the confines of the wooden overhang they’d meant to turn into a market stall. Martyn has spent more time than he knows how to track stumbling into dead ends in this maze, opening doors onto colourless expanses, thinking this time, he’ll turn the corner and there will be the slop-bucket glory of their fields, battered to muck in the open air.

i'm proud of... the sound of it? the rhythm? and how even now, after having written it and done two editing passes and probably reread it a couple times at least, the imagery and feeling of it still work for/on me? i know this kind of rain and i picked the right words to capture it exactly as i wanted to.

30. Biggest surprise while writing this year?

i have already answered this here but i feel kind of awkward just linking that answer for you, so i'll say another one. at some point... not even that long ago, like in the last couple months, someone was like "you sure write a lot about The Experience Of Being In A Body" and i was like "what! since when! i'm TERRIBLE at writing about bodies! i never pay attention to that stuff!" and then i thought about it some more and realized. i have this whole time been practicing Paying Attention To Being In A Body and trying to work it into my writing and framing it to myself as an exercise for the purposes of improving something i am bad at, and . at some point. i guess i got better at it and did not update my mental model of my own abilities to match this change! that was fun and weird and surprising!

[kynimdraws]

Top vs Jungle diff standoff Okay I got too much brainworms on this Runeterra-verse K'sante/Yone that I made a continuation from this post LOL

Enjoy my funni story under the cut

After their fateful meeting, K'sante and Yone started to travel together. Yone would silently continue to his azakana hunt regardless of the locals asking for such help, and K'sante visited the various temples of Ionia to expand his knowledge. K'sante enjoyed having company, even if said travel companion…was a little strange.

Whenever K'sante would come into any spot of civilization, Yone would remain a fair distance away, once commenting he would not be welcome given his frightening visage. Even when the two would just be camping out in the wild, Yone would help gather food and fuel…but never join for a meal. K'sante had offered, but Yone would just shake his head.

"Ah, eating. How I miss it…"

Yone joked about this once, and K'sante asked what he had meant. Initially Yone would simply go away and re-appear the next day, but eventually the man would tell snippets of his past. How he was not exactly alive or dead, and how he ended up in this state. And how his crimson mask had appeared and became a permanent fixture of his face.

Between these stories, Yone did not forget his promise about teaching K'sante the way to sense azakana. While Yone did rely on this mask's "vision" to see them, his old training to be spiritually aware of all beings was still a fundamental part of why he was so adept at hunting them. It was hard work, but K'sante took to the lessons wholeheartedly.

It also helped that the two would visit the temples/monasteries that reinforced Yone's teachings in various ways (Yone himself still refused to go in them, maybe out of shame or something else). While these places still were recovering from the Noxian invasions, the community around them were still strong and resilient. K'sante would often remark on this and how such strength was similar to Nazumah. Yone eventually did get curious, and was content to hear K'sante tell tales and history about his home. It was admirable that a man would travel so far to learn, all for the sake of protecting others.

While Yone was enjoying this travel, a small part of him was sad that soon…this will have to end. K'sante did say he will be going back home after visiting all the places that Sett and others had recommended, and that list was finite. Before all this, Yone was fine being alone given his fate. Now, he felt a bit of dread.

Even worse, the azakana of his mask seemed to be much more restless. Shifting…eating away at him. Giving him horrible headaches and eye pain. Was it the fear and other negative emotions that was feeding the azakana? Yone was unsure, and tried to suppress his feelings. K'sante would start to notice too (a downside of Yone teaching the man about how to be spiritually attuned…he was getting too good at noticing Yone withdrawing/disassociating spiritually). K'sante tried to offer ways that he could help, but Yone would always reject them, claiming it is his own burden to bear.

This problem reaches a breaking point during a particularly difficult hunt for a rogue azakana-nearly-demon. After the hunt was done, Yone collapses while grimacing in pain. The wounds during the battle was already hurting, but now the mask now felt like it was about to eat him alive. K'sante rushes over and asks if Yone is okay.

"I'm…fine….this will…pass….on its own…" Yone barely manages to reply.

He feels his body being lifted up by K'sante's strong arms. Yone expects a talking-to the other man but instead feels K'sante freeze in place. Yone looks up to see what is going on despite the pain, and sees why K'sante was standing still.

Kindred was standing in front of them.

"Ina…and Ani?" K'sante stared at the spectral beings of death in fascination (see "A Good Death"). Nazumah had tales about them, but seeing them was a completely different experience. Yone meanwhile, feels a sense of sadness and relief. To him, it seemed that his borrowed time in the living world was finally coming to an end.

"I…have fallen outside your cycle, Lamb and Wolf. Are…you here to…usher me back?"

Kindred does not answer. Instead, Wolf comes over to the two, and bares his fangs.

"Yone-thing could be ripe for picking, little Lamb. Can I please?"

"Dear Wolf, you know we are here for just one of them."

"Fine."

Yone stares in confusion, but also realizes that his mask seemed to be gripping Yone's skull like a vise, trembling slightly. Was it…fearful?

"…Gong'pojun."** The Lamb called out.

An earth-shattering shriek explodes as the azakana of Yone's mask bursts forth. The name revealed, the azakana tries to escape its fate…but Wolf chases after it, howling with glee. As their noises fade away, K'sante looks and sees Yone has fainted. The impression the cursed mask had made on Yone's face was bloody, but the man was still whole....and freed from the mask.

"W...what have you done, Ani?" K'sante asks Lamb.

"Merely hunting our prey. We have come to you, but not for you."

As Lamb finishes her reply, Wolf returned with crimson-stained jaws and a smile.

"That was a fun hunt! Let us go again, little Lamb!"

"Of course, my dear Wolf."

The two turn to leave, but not without the Wolf's final word to the two:

"We look forward to meeting you again, little hunters."

**The mask azakana name I 100% made up based on 공포증 = KR word for "phobia"

[rinharu-purple]

Hi, nice to meet you!

As a fellow Gavin stan, I found your analysis quite interesting and I'm very happy that someone finally understand the other side of our ginkgo boy... Idk whether you play in CN server or MLQC. I'm just curious, what do you think of Gavin in S2? Because I hear that everything is gonna be different. Also, the latest main story in CN server--do you think the story will be more angst?

Thank youu..

Waiting for more analyzes from you ❤

Dear Anon, 

Thank you very much for your kind words and I’m also happy to meet you ^_^

Please excuse my belated answer. I waited specifically for cheri’s translation of the S2 CH11, so that I could give you a worthy answer <3

I play MLQC, because I don’t understand Chinese (yet), so I am following @cheri-translates on a daily basis for the season 2 material. (Thank you cheri, you’re the best! (ɔˆ ³(ˆ⌣ˆc) )

From what we get so far, Gavin shows some differences in his aura and character in S2 due to two main reasons:

1) He didn’t have the extreme teenage drama from S1 (except for his mother’s passing)

2) He and MC were companions during high school, so their relationship has a healthier fundament.

The events of the second season take place in a “parallel universe”, therefore MC’s relationships vary from those in S1. But also the Loveland City they are in is a different one, with different players but also different villains. So things DO change in S2 in general.

What do I think about Gavin in S2?

I - AM - IN - LOOOOOOOVVVEEEE - WITH - HIM!!! <3 <3 <3

Gavin was the main reason I watched the anime and downloaded the game in the first place. He was a very caring, understanding, talented and *ehm extremely good looking guy. He still is btw. This guy has a very big heart and is the most human among all LIs if you ask me. But sometimes I had the feeling in S1, that he wasn’t reaching to his full potential. His love for MC was at times awkward, mainly because he doubted himself a lot and was underestimating himself in many topics with regards to MC. His past with his father and brother was also weighting on him big time. Thus affecting his actions to a great extent. Gavin’s potential was bound by ball and chains and he didn’t seem to be able to free himself from them. And yet, he was a resilient guy, who made peace with his past, always finding the love&faith in his heart and following his own path. Those unnecessary insecurities caused by his experiences were Gav-babe’s downside in S1.

In the second season, we meet a very self confident Gavin who doesn’t get worked up in front of MC easily, let alone shy away from her. On the contrary, Gavin is teasing MC shamelessly and even toys around with her as he lets her hover over the ocean. Would you ever think that S1 Gavin would dare to do that? :D He interrogates her just for the kicks even though he doesn’t suspect her one bit, or asks her if he should detain her, since she looked like she was asking for it (I really recommend you to read the scene in CH11). Gavin is carefree towards MC and this makes him unbelievably attractive. Sure, I was surprised at first as I saw him immobilizing MC after meeting her for the first time after many years and was afraid, that he would be hostile towards her. Thankfully, this wasn’t the case...so far.

In S1, Gavin and MC were already in a harmonious relationship and were moving forward side by side gradually. But they were also having difficulties in terms of protecting each other from harm’s way and hiding their dangerous missions or wounds from each other. Which didn’t go along with a healthy relationship, even though they came a long way by the end of the S1. Plus, their positions weren’t even equal in respect of being a couple since Gavin was quite the simp and was insecure at times about his interactions with the MC. There was a teenage Gavin in him, who was telling him that he wasn’t good enough for her, that he is useless, that he is worthless. Therefore he always had his gloves on, so the speak.  

These insecurities are downed to a minimum in S2 and Gavin no longer has the self loathing inner thoughts, so it feels as though, he is the real Gavin. The Gavin who he could be, he should be. Up to this point (S2 CH11). I feel like we are watching a Gavin who’s reached, or is reaching, to his full potential. 

In S2, we see him co-operating with MC right from the beginning with little reluctance at first, which is natural since -you know- they are working for the opposing sides. But then we saw in CH11, that they make one hell of a team! In all honesty, Gavin and MC don’t even need to talk to each other to understand what the other thinks. We witnessed many times in S1 when they were thinking/saying/doing the same thing at the same time. But this time, they are aware of the fact that they can see through each other without words. Moreover, they banter with each other by calling one another out. Which is mostly Gavin calling her out btw. This almost flirt-like sweet bantering makes their interaction all the more titillating to me. The chemistry between them is very evident and Papergames makes sure to let us producers know, the attraction is mutual and on equal grounds. Maybe its only my opinion, but I find S2 Gavin way more sexier than the Version 1.0. But its probably because I find self-confidence to be the sexiest trait a person can have. 

On a side note, Gavin also doesn’t display jealousy as in S1 and I believe this also has to do with his self confidence. Jealousy is an emotion which arouses from lack of self-confidence and trust. And the level of trust Gavin and MC share in S2 is off the charts, dare I claim.

One might even say, that the tables have turned in S2. MC has her memories from S1 whereas Gavin has started having flashbacks or dreams about their past just recently. Because of that MC already carries her romantic feelings from S1, she is the one with denser emotions in the new chapters and is rather insecure in front of Gavin. Thus making herself vulnerable for his “toying sessions”. Gavin on the other hand is beginning to explore his heart’s desires towards MC only piece by piece. He cares a great deal about her and is drawn to her inevitably, but can’t quite put his finger on it. His body and soul is already reacting to her, but his mind is a little bit slow on this front. But as stated in R&S “Inevitable”, his heart is destined to get drawn to hers. 

Whether the story is going to get angstier...Let’s not fool ourselves, Papergames has the word angst in block letters carved in marble in their office. So yeah, I am pretty sure that the story is going to get angstier. But I haven’t seen anything as angsty as in S1 CH13, 14, 15, 18. Those chapters were really hard to read, but let’s wait and see.

Another important point about Gavin’s character in S2 is related to his position. He is now the Commander of the STF and therefore carries a heavier responsibility than in S1. We see in every chapter how strategically he is acting and picking the best option in which nobody gets hurt. He is still a maverick and does things in his own way and yet he is now well aware of the fact that each of his actions are affecting great numbers of people. With his subordinates he shares special bonds all the while keeping them disciplined and whatever he does, he prioritizes everybody’s safety equally (only with MC as an exception).  Of course, this was one of his strengths also in S1, but in S2, he can have a bigger impact, since he has more resources to do so. He has become the perfect leader.

Which can be tied to his balanced temper. In S1 there were times, where Gavin wasn’t able to control his Evol and caused mayhem. We haven’t seen any uproar like this in S1 so far. Gavin is in control of his Evol, his emotions and his blushes...hih...well... almost. But he certainly blushes much less in S2. 

So to sum it up, yes, Gavin is different in S2, but in all the good ways and I couldn’t find anything that goes in the wrong direction so far. We have a more mature, confident and experienced Gavin in S2 and I can simply say:

AMEN

I hope my answers can help you with your questions and you can always feel free the contact me if you have any questions...be it anonymously or not.

Have a nice weekend dear anon! d=(´▽｀)=b

[femwizard]

hey! I hope this is ok to ask.... i'm a nb transfem person and i'm wondering if medically transitioning is worth it,, I just wanted to hear your thoughts on it and how's it's been going for u?? 💘💘 ty 🥺

Yo thanks for reaching out!!!

Personally ID somewhere around NB/genderfluid transfem & I use she/her pronouns cause it’s what I like & it’s a lot easier for me to navigate talking to people about.

In terms of medical transition I HIGHLY recommend it. Having some space from the effects of testosterone has been really good for me, and has really helped me get in touch with my emotions, my body, and communicating with my loved ones. It’s been really nice to not be lowkey horny most of the time, and now I actually notice when I’m actually aroused.

In terms of estrogen I’m really happy with the effects I’ve seen so far in about a year and a half. My skin is softer. But the big ones? My body hair is less coarse and a lot less thick, and especially my facial hair is lighter and grows a lot more slowly. The fat redistribution is also reaaally nice. I love having titties!! They’re so soft and squishy and I can play w them all I want!!! Also on this subject? My orgasm is a lot different. It’s harder to get hard and it takes me longer to cum, and when I do there’s less cum and it’s clearer, but the physical experience? Can be a lot stronger and more pleasurable. Definitely worth the effort.

There are only three real potential downsides I see to medically transitioning. The biggest one is infertility, which isn’t an issue for me cause I never wana have bio kids (can you imagine the carbon footprint? Also? Expensive medical bills? 9 months of insanity? Not for me 😅) if this is something that really worries you spend banks can be a great option. The other physical consideration is that testosterone can give you more energy and muscle growth, but if you have any sort of work our routine you can maintain your muscle p well, and the slightly lower energy hasn’t bothered me, and has actually been really nice cause I’ve always had too much energy. The last one is the biggest one imo. Transitioning in the eyes of society is terrifying and dangerous. As someone who could previously pass as cis, I’m well aware of how cismen are treated and how easy that life is. Since transitioning I’ve been presenting fem most of the time and living in an incredibly progressive place (& being white) has made it generally p chill for me. I definitely notice that I’m treated differently. This isn’t exclusively a downside though. I’ve become a lot nicer and more compassionate, and it’s a lot easier for me to understand other queer peoples struggles having experienced some more of my own. It’s also helped me understand my afab friends and family on a deeper level. And the biggest thing for me? I feel a lot more comfortable in female and queer spaces. It’s also been really nice to connect with my local trans community.

I highly recommend medically transitioning and I’m really happy with the effects it’s had on my life. If you are nervous or concerned I hope I can assuage some of your fears. Most of the effects are very subtle, especially if you go on a lower dose. Even on a full dose if I wear a hat and a baggy shirt I’m confidant I could pass as a cis guy. And the biggest thing in my eyes? Most of the effects aren’t permanent. The fat redistribution will reverse itself if you go back on your natural T. If you’re on a full dose for years and decide you need to detransition there is a chance you’d need to get top surgery, but it’s not a sure thing even then. Medical technology is amazing and with a little patience and a little courage you can live the life you truly want to. And if it turns out it isn’t what you thought and it isn’t what you really want? You can change your mind!!

[trans-advice]

NSFW warning, just a heads-up. Hey, I'm uncertain about being trans and interactions with my downstairs bits, both sexually and non-sexually. I have a penis, and an abnormally large one at that. I'm in a weird situation with that because I don't mind it for dysphoria reasons, but kinda mind it because it gets in the way of everyday life (have to place my hands carefully when walking, randomly getting hard often causes it to poke out of my pants, and general worries about being judged, etc) (1/4)

The thing is, I actually kinda like my penis. I wouldn't want to have any sort of bottom surgery (magically having a vagina added would be nice, but surgery is a bit too much of a hassle and I can't find anything about whether that would necessitate using scrotal tissue, which would be a downside). I'm also somewhat worried about what effect estrogen will have on erections. Sorry if that's answered somewhere in your blog, my parents have things blocked even though I'm basically legal adult (2/4)

There's one more thing I'd like to ask for advice on. So I watch porn, and one of the things that really gets me going is being able to see myself in that situation. The problem with that is that that involves body parts being the same as my ideal body parts, which tends to be stuff with trans women that's targeted heavily at chasers. Is there anything I can do to stop feeling both like a chaser and like the object of a fetish? (don't direct me to other material because I'm 17 so legality) (3/4)

One last thing, I really want to wear leggings but that has some obvious problems. Is there such a thing as leggings that will be accommodating of and not show a penis? Like I said before I'm abnormally large so it'd probably have to be designed for that, google searches have yielded only manly man stuff and leggings with dicks on them, which is not exactly what I was looking for. (4/4)

---

I think you would benefit from wearing a gaffe. It's technically a garment of clothing used for tucking, but it doesn't require as much work that tucking usually requires. There are some diy videos online where you convert underwear into gaffes, and there are readymade ones too.

I don't know about leggings quite honestly. I would try getting a gaffe first & then trying on clothes from there.

As for the porn, and having lived thru a testosterone puberty, a parent of mine who also went thru testosterone puberty recommended only watching tame stuff when starting out due to the problem of Desensitization. So based on that, images are superior to video for purposes of preserving your sensitivity.

That being said, I would recommend also staying away from the porn for awhile & make your own fantasies with your own imagination.

The reason why is because when you get disturbed by plotlines or imagery or whatever in various media items, it is traumatic & it's getting your brain accustomed to rape basically because you're engaging in stuff you don't, didn't, and aren't going to consent to viewing. Don't settle for being raped as a viewer! Use your imagination instead.

Also please wait til you're 18 or older. As an adult I can tell you that such content hits different when you're like the actors could be your age or younger. Like it quickly loses it's glamour when you're able to look at it like a job. Like yeah, alienation of workers is a common experience (sex workers are workers), but you also become aware of how these aren't so much goals & more like media that's written. If you're younger than that then you might think 18 is an age with magical liberation via adulthood or such, but it's not. Like in USA multigenerational households where multiple generations are adults are very common now with the economy, especially for "adults" 18-29. The poverty & exploitation is commonplace to the point where it's a whole genre of political thought in USA these days. Basically adulthood has less to do with age & more to do with money & power, and that contradiction of ways to define adulthood becomes apparent much more clearly when you're at least the age of the adult actors/models you're viewing. So please wait until you're an adult to view such material, at least to age 18.

As for the body horror, while I don't want to get into all my cisheterosexist harassment trauma regarding my own sexuality & my own gender identity, basically my gender identity turned out to be more fundamental than how I was framing my sexuality as something in a cisgender body. You accepting that you are indeed trans will probably save you a lot of toil.

To give you some input about other women's relationships to phallus size, there was literally an ask recently day talking about clitoris lengthening & enlargement, and one of the sources i linked for that was about cis women wanting to grow their clitoris. Therefore, you not caring to change your phallus size isn't wrong because when you have enough people you're bound to not be the only one.

While female physiology has more problems than just phallus size, you can interpolate equivalents by learning how the anatomical parts of sex organs develop prenatally before being made male or woman around week 19. Some other examples are that labia & scrotum derive from the same part. With males there are 2 meatuses that usually fuse into one. Learning about human development like this can actually be quite healing & I suspect it will help you deal with your body.

Also I want to mention that there are cis women who top. Usually they use a device called a strap-on for that purpose. I suspect that information will be helpful to you.

You're 17 right now, so it makes sense that you'd be hesitant to do medical intervention. Regardless of your age, it's your body, and it should be your choice, therefore your decision on that matter is valid.

Regarding vaginoplasty surgeries that build a vagina, while scrotum skin is preferred for constructing labia (due to durability), the surgeon can also take a skin graft from somewhere else on your body. It will vary from surgeon to surgeon. Also for those surgeries, you have to be careful about penile hair growing back & it is a lot of work with dilation afterwards etc, so you are correct about vaginoplasty being a hassle.

There's also orichetomies testes removal surgeries to consider. They are less hassle, about the same recovery as a vasectomy but also irreversible like the vaginoplasties are. Also all of these surgeries will probably require HRT. If I remember correctly though, if you get an orichetomy, then you can use either feminizing or masculinizing HRT, while the other surgeries require feminizing HRT. While this might be helpful for dealing with supply chain problems, it should be noted that anytime you go off hormones or change what hormones you're on, it can create bodily & mental discomfort/irritability. You're basically starting a different puberty everytime you stop & go.

Good Luck, Peace & Love,

Eve