#doumeki residence

[koushirouizumi]

{H.O.L.I.C} ~ Ch. 169 ~ {Kohane}/(End of) the (Dreams) Arc

"An earnest {W I S H}..."

"Will {S Y A O R A N}'s feelings REACH {W A T A N U K I}?"

[lemeg]

Food I Have Eaten because of Saezuru

<pic 1> See Chapter 7: "If I drink this, the flavour will spread out over my tongue. Sweet and a little..."

<pic 2> Cup noodles that Yashiro knocked over in the flashback in Chapter 10.

<pic 3> See Chapter 22: "Does it taste good?" "I don’t really know."

<pic 4> Anpan that Doumeki bought for Kamiya in Chapter 40, because "I [Doumeki] just thought you [Kamiya] liked sweet things".

<pic 5> Black coffee that Doumeki drank in the same chapter.

<pic 6> Beer at Inami's residence in Chapter 47. You didn't notice, did you??

[artemisrisen]

I just heard a theory on the club mama that I love -

she could be a yakuza tattoo artist! hence why doumeki is going to see her at her private residence.

doumeki’s back was bare in chapter 46 when yashiro pulled his shirt up a bit after climaxing. right after their encounter, doumeki is seen with the club mama and the rumors are swirling around them, despite doumeki having no interest in women (noted at separate times by tsunakawa and kamiya, two canonically observant people).

is it a little unrealistic for a tattoo of that size and detail to be done in such a short amount of time? yes, it’s actually VERY unrealistic lol. like, there’s just no way in real life. BUT! we don’t know how much time expires between that first “sexual entanglement” to when doumeki sees yashiro with inami. a few days, a week…we can give it some leeway, I think, for a tattoo of reasonable size to be designed and implemented.

also it’s fiction, so we can forgive the occasional trespass against reality. saezuru likes to bend the rules to fit the emotional narrative anyway :)

[saezurufeels]

Do you think we’ll see the contact lens case again anytime soon? Do you think Doumeki feels less than kageyama considering yashiro kept the case and at least stuck around kageyama and he didn’t keep anything of doumekis to remember him by and completely left him behind?

I’m not sure if the contact lens case is still that significant. It might make a small appearance again just to close the Kageyama chapter for good. But I also feel like Kageyama isn’t such a huge part of the story anymore. He hasn’t even been mentioned since the timeskip. It seems like YK chose to close that storyline before the timeskip with two significant conversations; the first being when Kageyama asked Yashiro why he left Doumeki behind if he’s in love with him and finally (indirectly) acknowledging that his rape was significant, and the second at the hospital with Yashrio asking Kageyama why he chose Kuga over him. By showing those conversations, YK essentially gave their unresolved relationship closure. Kageyama was finally able to “see” Yashiro and give him some advice/comfort as a caring friend, while Yashiro was able to be honest with Kageyama without the fear of rejection. In a way, Doumeki’s act of taking the contact lens case set those events into motion. In other words, it served some symbolic purpose within the story, because once the case was out of Yashiro’s possession, things changed.

But I will say, it’s plausible that Doumeki doesn’t know that Yashiro got over his feelings for Kageyama. If so, then the contact case could still be significant for D, and he could still be holding on to it. That’s the only scenario I can still imagine the contact case being important.

I hear what you’re saying, but I don’t think that Doumeki necessarily feels insignificant to Yashiro. Remember when Tsunakawa brought Yashiro to his residence to find out why he threw Doumeki out of his group? That’s when Yashiro admitted that he did it because he didn’t want Doumeki to follow a twisted person such as himself. And he said all of this in front of Doumeki. If Doumeki didn’t already know Yashiro’s complicated world view- which I think he did have a grasp on- then now he definitely knows Yashiro threw him out because he cared about him in his own way. Y didn’t just force Doumeki out of the yakuza on a whim— there were a combination of factors that led to that, and at the core of all of them was his wish to keep Doumeki safe.

It’s easy to forget, but Yashiro did also keep a memento of Doumeki! After they had sex, Yashiro took Doumeki’s shirt and left his own button-up at D’s apartment. Doumeki saw the button-up in the morning while he was waiting for someone to pick up the car that Yashiro left behind. It’s a sweet gesture, because Yashiro didn’t just take something from Doumeki without leaving anything. He “returned the favour” to show that he reciprocates Doumeki’s feelings, or more accurately, he acknowledged Doumeki’s feelings by gifting him something of his. It’s small act, but it carries a lot of meaning.

I guess you can decide for yourself if you think Doumeki is aware of Yashiro’s love. I believe he is, because Doumeki has always been acutely aware of Yashiro’s motives and emotions. His recent change of character is likely a result of trying to either disguise or repress his feelings for Yashiro, because he’s trying not to make the same mistake twice. I think Doumeki is trying to channel his romantic feelings into something less “threatening,” like protectiveness. Thanks for the ask!

[wifeswarmacademy]

Welcome to the Halfway point of the Clamp Ship Mega Tournament Round 3!

The votes are piling up, with over a hundred votes on the most contested polls before even the first half of the poll is complete! I would like to thank all of you for voting, and a special thanks to any of the discussion I can see. This is sending my autism into overdrive any any little tag commentary always makes me smile (unless you voted wrong) [the only wrong vote was whoever voted for fujitaka and nadeshiko in rounds 1 and 2]

With that said, lets get into the current entries! In the strongest resistance to CCS Syaosaku they have recieved so far, Hisui and Kokuyo are fighting back, coming back from an initial gap of over 80-20 all the way back to only being 62-38. It remains to be seen if the top seed for this entire tournament may face an upset if by any miracle Hisui and Kokuyo manage to keep gaining ground. Kamui is locked in eternal war with himself, eager to die sad and pathetic in the arms of one man or many others. Also in the polls he is facing two different interpretations of his actions. Are Subaru and Kamui leaning on eachother in particular with their shared experiences? Or is Kamui just grabbing onto any wayward force that shows him affection past his immediate walls? Polls are remarkably split, currently residing at a 53-47 lead for SubKam, but it has been jockeying back and forth all day. It remains anyones game, All I know is either way, everyone is going to die. This applies to the poll, X, and real life aswell. (except me, I have no plans on dying) Subaru is clinging onto Seishiro, in an extreme 80-20 over the TRC SubKam. Its seems it not just subaru that is opting into misery for himself, but the crowd of the polls as well. It seems we are chosing our own happiness to mean subjecting him to the horrors. Touya and Yukito hold a convincing lead over the underdog Duklyon boys. The Duklyon boys have proven to be a crowd favorite with their amazing victory. The Takeshi and Kentaro have faced the same 68-32 odds before squeezing out a victory in the first round, but that was only in the initial votes, it will take some miracle for them to pull through with them already having a 100 votes in the poll. But still, heros never surrender!

In another confident lead, DouWata is looking to definitively kick out the first of the three SyaoSakus, as the Tsubasa non clones are facing down an 80-20 lead for DouWata. Dont worry, im sure that watanuki can cry about the guilt of whatever happens to the next 5 generations of doumekis. In a far closer poll, DouWataHima is only barely holding onto a 51-49 lead over Clone SyaoSaku. The edgy goth kids are facing head off against the standup comedy routine polycule. Lets see how Himawari's luck impacts them here and in later rounds, as either they lose here, or they need to face off against DouWata alone next round. KuroFai holds a convincing 66-34 lead over Sorata and Arashi. It is looking to be an uphill battle for the autistic queen if they are to ever catch up.

and last but not least in a shockingly close poll, Fuukam is barely holding onto a 55-45 lead over Souma and Kendappa. The devoted murder lesbians are putting up an incredible fight up against one of the better known cannibal ships from Clamp. I would like to congratulate them for putting up the stiffest resistance from any of the minor clamp works.

[dahkis]

shizuka first talks to watanuki in the anime about the girl with the bells than the manga about himawari. this reshuffle of events makes sense given that it seems that the finale is going for the reveal or himawari's 'true' nature. in quotations because it gives off the impression that she's evil but im honestly too inarticulate to say that she's just born unfortunate lol. i get that reshuffle; it's a lot more finale worthy though it's unfortunate that kohanes arc had to be significantly cut as a result of that pacing.

the unfortunate result is that it reduces kohanes importance to that of an one off episodic character like the others in season one when she plays a role in solidifying watanuki's existence; to make sure that people in this world remember him so that he doesn't disappear. kohane and doumeki also play a (doomed) role in making sure watanuki isn't alone after they inevitably both pass away when he makes the promise to himself to stay in the shop until yuuko comes back, whenever that may be. even though they both hardly know each other, they get married and have a child because they want to ensure that he has someone to keep him company and most importantly, to make him forget about yuuko through the egg their child inherits through doumeki's will. they came together because of watanuki, they care about watanuki to withdraw their own happiness in life for him. worse of all is that this cycle will continue until watanuki forgets about his promise and dies. after all, everyone has to die as he stated before to doumeki.

this layer of tragedy is honestly heart breaking to me when i see that watanuki is permanently stuck in the denial phase of grief, holding onto that slim chance of hope that yuuko will return. did the lesson he learned from jorougumo turn upside down on his head? from caring about others' wellbeing, but excludes his own to later caring only about himself without regard to his friend's input on him permanently residing in the shop? i do think watanuki was rash, maybe selfish in his decision because let's be honest, he's doing this purely for himself.

love is the most twisted curse of them all folks, say it with me :(

[domeyashiro]

Saezuru Ch. 42 - Summary

Chapter 42 came out today. There’s lots of talk and very little action, so it took me a while to write the summary. But the conversation between Yashiro and Tsunakawa was indeed quite interesting, although I have to admit that I was hoping for a bit more emotion from Yashiro. He has to talk to Tsunakawa in polite language by the way, because Tsunakawa is older than him (and a group leader of course). I really like that, because he rarely had to be polite lately. :D 

!! Chapter 43 is announced for November 30 and will probably be the last chapter in volume 7, so expect a hellish cliffhanger next time.

On to the summary:

Last edited: Oct 1st (Fixed two speech bubbles that actually belong to Yashiro)

Chapter 42 starts with Doumeki, Kamiya and Kido’s brother in the car. Kamiya asks Doumeki, “You probably didn’t want to see your old boss, right?“ Doumeki says no, he just didn’t want Yashiro to find Kido before them, because it would get messy. Kamiya insists that it must be uncomfortable for Doumeki to run into the guy who expelled him. What did he do to get kicked out anyway? Doumeki replies that he wasn’t officially expelled. Kamiya reacts surprised, so Doumeki explains that he wasn’t even a proper member of Yashiro’s group. Disappointed that he got excited for nothing Kamiya says that it’s no wonder Yashiro forgot about him in that case. Doumeki quietly looks out of the window remembering Yashiro in his lap and simply replies, “Yes.“

Meanwhile Yashiro and Nanahara have arrived early at Tsunakawa’s residence and are now waiting outside the gate for Doumeki and Kamiya to arrive. Yashiro is squatting staring right into the security camera which zooms in on him. Nanahara tells him to stop trolling the security guards who are indeed quite confused by the “playboy” looking at them through the cam. Yashiro notices that there are a lot of security cameras everywhere and wonders if Tsunakawa is neurotically worried about his life. Suddenly a car pulls up. It’s someone from Tsunakawa’s group who brings Niki home from wherever she was so late. oO; The guy asks them what business they have at their house, so Nanatan replies that they are waiting for someone named Doumeki. Upon hearing Doumeki’s name Niki opens the car window and yells, “Doumeki?!” She gets scolded for sticking her head out, but she doesn’t care. She asks Yashiro and Nanahara whether they are Doumeki’s friends. Nanatan doesn’t really know what to reply, but Yashiro returns the question, “I guess you’re the one who’s friends with that blockhead, right?“ In that moment Doumeki and Kamiya finally arrive. Niki turns around and asks Doumeki, “Do you know what a blockhead is?” He ignores her question and tells her to go inside. N: “But they are your friends, aren’t they?” D: “No. They’re guests.” But Niki still wants to know what a blockhead is, so Yashiro says, “Someone who is super considerate of others.” Niki: “You’re a liar. I hate liars.”

Inside the house Yashiro and Nanahara are brought to the visitor’s room. Yashiro now understands that the security cameras got installed because of Niki. Nanatan suddenly remembers that the child of a yakuza boss got kidnapped a few years ago. Kamiya tells him that it was Niki, but that she barely remembers the incident. Nanahara is disgusted that people would drag kids into gang quarrels. Yashiro, too, looks surprised. Kamiya points out that Doumeki was the one who rescued Niki all on his own and that their boss took a liking to him ever since. Yashiro gives him his business smile, “Oh, I see.”

All four of them sit down in a traditional Japanese visitor’s room, but Tsunakawa makes them wait. Yashiro is getting impatient and asks how old that big boss of theirs is. Doumeki or Kamiya replies that Tsunakawa should be in his mid-forties. Y: “He must be pretty old-fashioned to welcome us with this kind of performance or whatever this is.” In the same moment Tsunakawa comes in, introduces himself and apologizes for making them wait. It wasn’t his intention to play power games with them. T: “You must be Yashiro-san. I’ve heard rumors about you, but we’ve never met before.” Yashiro replies that those rumors can’t have been good ones, but Tsunakawa heard about him from Amou four years ago. He thanks Yashiro for destroying the Gouda group, which meant less trouble for him, but Yashiro says it wasn’t him who did it. Then he mumbles to himself, “So you were the helper from the Sanwakai back then.” Tsunakawa replies, “You know Amou. He never gives out more information than necessary.” Yashiro gets curious and asks Tsunakawa what kind of relationship he and Amou have. Tsunakawa answers that they know each other from university, although he would have never expected for someone so straight-laced like Amou to enter the yakuza. T: “Misumi-san is quite popular.” Y: “Misumi-san?” Tsunakawa is surprised that Yashiro doesn’t seem to know that Amou is the son of Misumi’s late wife. Yashiro is slightly taken aback that Misumi even dragged her kid into the yakuza. Tsunakawa explains that it was the other way around actually. Misumi paid Amou’s tuition fees, because he wanted him to lead a regular life, but Amou only worked a proper job for a while to save up money, paid everything back and became a yakuza right after that. T: “I guess he thinks of him like his real father.” Yashiro can’t help saying, “I got quite the different treatment from him. In my case he made sure I had no way to refuse [to join his group].” T: “Misumi-san does have a tendency to favor people who are close (related) to him, doesn’t he?” Y: “Well, I guess.”

Tsunakawa asks Yashiro what he is doing now that the Shinseikai is no more. Y: “I’m a humble casino owner.” Tsunakawa wants to know if Yashiro has a specific reason for not wanting his own group. Yashiro replies that it simply suits him better to be free of obligations. Tsunakawa is surprised that Misumi allows Yashiro to do what he wants. Y: “Well, he’s probably running out of patience soon.“ Tsunakawa changes the topic and says he heard that Doumeki used to work for Yashiro in the past. Since he wasn’t officially expelled, what made him leave? Yashiro looks at him with an earnest and almost sad face, “You’re right. He used to be my bodyguard and driver.” He explains that Doumeki somehow ended up in his care by mistake, since he didn’t have the brains to think for himself. After he was released from prison he basically attached to the first thing he saw and regarded him as his parent. He was just a stupid brat with nowhere to go, or actually even lower than that, more like a baby. Kamiya whispers: “Wow, that was mean.” Doumeki sits next to Yashiro in silence and seems resolved to bear any insult he throws at him, when suddenly something unexpected happens: Instead of shit-talking him further Yashiro says, “With his recklessness caused by his fucking stupidity he also saved my life, but caused me a lot of grief too.” Because Yashiro thinks of himself as someone who is even more screwed up than “normal” yakuza. Tsunakawa has surely heard about him. Most of the talk is true. That’s why he felt pity for Doumeki being loyal to someone like him and threw him out. Nanahara who also listens quietly is a little hurt that Yashiro doesn’t seem to feel any pity towards him. XD Yashiro: “He begged me to let him stay, but I turned my heart to stone and kicked him to the curb.” Nanahara almost doesn’t trust his ears because Yashiro’s explanation was probably “50% honest” which he knows is extremely rare for him. Yashiro lazily rests his head on his hand and smiles at Tsunakawa, “To be honest I was quite surprised to see him again after four years and find him turned into a legitimate yakuza, body and soul.” Tsunakawa replies, “People change, unless they’re already dead.” Yashiro is totally fine with that of course. Tsunakawa’s curiosity seems to be satisfied too. He apologizes to Yashiro for asking him in front of Doumeki, but he couldn’t help wanting to hear what he had to say about him, since he doesn’t want other groups to bring him their damaged goods. Y: “Bring?” T: “Yes, Amou brought him to me.” Y: “Really …”

When Yashiro tries to change the topic to Kido, Tsunakawa excuses himself to let his wakagashira handle the business part. He stops before the door and asks Yashiro, “If you had to choose between People change, or People have the ability to change, which statement would you agree with? Yashiro wonders why Tsunakawa is turning philosophical all of a sudden but replies, “Well, if there’s only those two options, I’d say people change. Tsunakawa replies with a cunning smile, “See, I think they never really change. I was sure you’d agree with me.” Yashiro looks a bit fed up because Tsunakawa tricked him. But Tsunakawa says there was no deeper meaning behind his question and leaves urging his guests to make themselves comfortable.

After Tsunakawa is gone, a mobile phone rings. Doumeki says, “It’s Kido.” Kamiya brings Kido’s brother who answers the call. He and Kido agree when and where to meet up the next day. Kido hopes he can finally go home now, but Kamiya says that he’ll come with them. Doumeki informs his Kashira (Muraji) that Kido seems to be backed by unknown yakuza. Muraji also has no clue who it could be, since the Sakura Family has many enemies, as he says. He promises to look into it and tells Doumeki and Kamiya to team up with Yashiro and Nanahara. They’ll share Kido’s money 60:40 afterwards. Yashiro is surprised by the generous offer but suspects immediately that Tsunakawa either likes to make people feel indebted or that he must have his eyes on Misumi already.

Since it has gotten late, Muraji offers Yashiro and Nanahara to stay for the night. There are rooms in the guest wing. Nanahara is super excited because the old fashioned residence looks just like he always imagined the traditional yakuza lifestyle. Doumeki volunteers to get the room(s) ready and leaves Yashiro behind who is looking sad and lost in thoughts again.

End of chapter

[bettsfic]

so i was looking through my travesty of a wip folder and realized i now have both the time and brainspace to finish all these fics i've started. here's kind of a rough queue of what i'm working on:

always be closing mdzs/cql, wangxian, banker au

i posted the first two chapters a year ago right before i really got depressed and decided to pick it back up. thankfully i wrote out a pretty in-depth outline so i remember where i was going with it. there'll be 9ish? chapters, posted every other week or so. i just posted the third chapter yesterday. i know the first couple chapters are dense with banking jargon but that'll lighten up after chapter 4.

light saezuru, doumeki/yashiro, actor au

i realized i had like 20k+ of this written and it was basically finished? i don't know what happened. it's a fic where everything's the same except yashiro is an actor (with ties to the yakuza, but who refuses to join them). picking it up again has given me an excuse to reread the manga, which, even after months of reading manga on a daily basis, remains my favorite of all of them. this fic will have 5-6 chapters and post twice a week, starting next week probably.

black-eyed mdzs/cql, chengqing, college au, femdom

i've thought about this fic nonstop since i started writing it. i put it down because of school and because it was getting too big for the amount of attention i wanted to give it. wen qing is in med school with wei wuxian as a roommate; jiang cheng is an undergraduate crashing on their couch. poorly negotiated bdsm ensues. it's a one-shot right now but i definitely need to make it into a multi-chap. no idea how long it'll be, 20k? 30k? hopefully i can keep it a reasonable length. there's really not a lot of plot.

a standing engagement epilogue hunger games, odesta, alt canon

this is another one that's basically written but it needs some heavy revision. it'll be a one-shot, around 10k, and i hope to god i kept good notes because it involves a lot of canon references that were fresh in my mind after my hunger games reread but which i've surely forgotten by now. ASE is still a fic i'm really proud of, and i'm looking forward to finally giving annie and finnick the happy ending they deserve.

untitled potn fic painter of the night, nakyum/seungho, patreon au

in this fic, seungho is nakyum's top patreon supporter, which is, i know, ridiculous, but it's been a lot of fun to write, especially since we're going through so much angst in canon right now. (please, byeonduck, i am begging u, give us some comfort for the hurt.) it'll be a multi-chap i think but i don't know how long yet. potn is up there with saezuru in my favorites list and i just want everyone to read it and scream about with me. i am wrecked by it every friday morning.

once all this is done i really do want to write that dog hua cheng fic i tweeted about, but there's no telling what'll happen between now and then. if i get accepted into residencies i'll have to start working on ofic. if i get sucked into another obsession i'll probably start writing something new. anyway i'm very looking forward to being able to participate in fandom again after this past year and a half of setting it aside.

[cosmicjoke]

Saezuru chap 6 observations

So I don’t have much to add to the discussion of this chapter beyond what everyone else has already picked up on.  I just wanted to comment on a few things, like the look Yashiro gives Doumeki after finding him asleep in the hallway outside his bedroom the morning after their spat.  He looks at Doumeki with such a heartbreaking expression of sadness, and no doubt I think this is because Yashiro is already falling hard in love with Doumeki, even if he isn’t fully conscious of it.  But certainly he’s starting to become aware of the way being with Doumeki makes him feel, but he’s also sure that he and Doumeki can’t possibly end up staying together.  I think part of his sadness here is also obviously related to his rejection from Kageyama.  From Doumeki’s questions the night before, he’s reminded here of the seeming impossibility of him ever being able to have a normal, romantic relationship, remembering what happened with Kage, and we see in his expression just how sad that actually makes Yashiro feel.

He’s still intent on getting Doumeki out of the Yakuza, even if for the moment, he’s given up actively trying.  I think the fact that Yashiro wants Doumeki to take his cop uniform off too sort of adds to my idea that he wanted him to wear it in the first place in some sort of psychological attempt to reconnect Doumeki with his upstanding morals as an officer of the law, so he could more clearly see Yashiro for the deviant he thinks of himself as.  But since that didn’t work, he’s no longer interested in Doumeki role playing.  

We know from later chapters that Yashiro leaned in and kissed Doumeki while he was asleep, and it’s here where we really get a first glimpse of the kind of gentle tenderness that resides in Yashiro’s heart of hearts.  The moment Doumeki wakes up, Yashiro assumes his callous, indifferent act again, and it makes the contrast between his heartbroken expression of before and his feigned indifference all the more stark.  

We also see Yashiro already trying to help Doumeki understand that he has no reason to feel guilty over what happened with his sister.  His interest in Doumeki’s text messages with her speaks volumes, I think.  He seems disappointed that there isn’t more to their exchanged messages.  He was probably hoping they would have begun a more meaningful report with one another, because that would mean Doumeki was more likely to realize the importance of his family and want to eventually go back to them.

And then there’s Yashiro’s own, sexual frustration when Doumeki fails to finish telling him the story about him and his school nurse.  Yashiro later imagines Doumeki with a woman while having sex with Ryuuzaki.  All this just shows that Yashiro is already in love with Doumeki.  He’s already starting to fantasize about him the way he did with Kageyama while in high school, already obviously, deeply attracted to him.  

It’s also interesting how we really see Doumeki begin to grow somewhat possessive and jealous over Yashiro here, the way he thinks about the exchange between Yashiro and Ryuuzaki, and how he bursts into the room, despite Yashiro telling him not to come in, or let anyone else in either, when Misumi implies to him what’s actually going on behind the door.  And we know Doumeki stopped telling the story about him and his school nurse because he was getting turned on by Yashiro too.  It definitely foreshadows how Doumeki is later going to feel about Yashiro’s having relations with anyone other than him, and far into the future, in the present of the story, even more so.  It’s interesting to think about how Yashiro is so obviously fond and attracted to Doumeki’s sweetness, but how his attempts to protect him, to save him from a Yakuza life, and himself, by acting annoyed with Doumeki and irritated by that sweetness, have, I’m guessing, lead to Doumeki assuming a rougher, more callous demeanor in the present, seemingly oblivious to how Yashiro loved him for who he was before.  Hopefully this miscommunication between them will resolve itself.  I really don’t think Yashiro likes the way Doumeki is acting now.  I think he misses the old Doumeki.  And of course, it’s because I think, deep down, Yashiro’s always wanted someone to treat him kindly, he just never believed he deserved it, and that belief lead to him not wanting to see Doumeki waste his life on Yashiro himself.  

[kiriharaakira]

Analysis of Yashiro’s suicide

I want to join the discussion of @darkwitchxeres about if Yashiro went to Hirata suicidal because of what happened in Dpumeki's apartment.

From general discussion, this is debatable. Some said Yashiro was already planned this at the first place. Some said Yashiro wouldn't be that suicidal if not because of Doumeki. The point is, we have no solid proof for either of thesis. Sensei never make it clear for us.

My personal view. I will say Doumeki was NOT the reason. There are way too many reasons for Yashiro to commit suicide, Doumeki can hardly be one of those. He is, at most, the trigger.

This is not easy for a human to commit suicide. It is not any decision made in short period of time, let along a single incident. Before we go into any discussion, let’s talk about what happen before sucide.

For a suicide to happen, first there is a suicidal idea. Suicidal idea can happen multiple time in life and actually, every person has at least once thought about suicide in one life time. However, suicidal idea is like any other idea in life. It brings no action or change in a person’s action. It takes time to ferment, until a suicidal will.

We saw a lot of behavior of suicidal will. Ex. Tell the Gunner to come back and “Shoot the right place”. (CP 8), refused the bulletproof vest after leaving hospital (CP 11), exposed himself under the eyes of Gouda group (CP 31). When we met Yashiro, his suicidal idea has already transform into suicidal will. He just never put it in action.

Although suicidal will took place, action still just mere possibility. In fact, many people with suicidal will never turn it into action. Maybe they will start to check out their bucket list or start to prepare for their action, but action still hardly appear. Suicidal will is not yet action. It still takes time to build up and incubate, until the suicidal will become suicidal action.

This is when the suicide take place.

The suicidal idea had been building up and fermenting in Yashiro for so long, when we met Yashiro, he already has strong suicidal will. However, we never saw any suicidal action before CP 34. Yet after that night in Doumeki’s apartment, everything changed. Yashiro suddenly turned his will into action.

What happened? What makes Yashiro did it? What pushed Yashiro over the edge? Was Doumeki truly the executioner who pushed Yashiro off the cliff?

To answer this question, please allow me to imitate the Analysis and answer it in Yakuza Fact, Feeling Fact, and Personal Fact.

Yakuza Fact----

If Yashiro did anything for the Yakuza purpose, he did it for Misumi (Not anything personal, but as a subordinate to his supervisor)

So what benefit will Yashiro’s death bring to Misumi? Misumi will lost his successor if he lost Yashiro, is there anything beneficial to Misumi through Yashiro’s death? The truth is : It is beneficial, a lot.

Hirata was a traitor. After Tsunekawa’s little work in Sanwakai, Hirata has no where to go (He can’t go back to Doushinkai or join Sanwakai. This is why he went to Yanagi (Misumi’s competitor) for support). However, Hirata’s ability was dazzle----He “raised” a Yakuza child like Yashiro, who is smart, good at using the right people, and a powerful money maker. No matter if Yashiro’s ability has any Hirata’s influence or not, the outcome was appealing. “Hirata has the ability to train useful people for Yakuza” is a certified truth, even it is not fact.

Therefore, If Misumi couldn’t finish Hirata for good, Hirata still had a chance to bounce back up. He has the ability to provide growth for Yakuza group, this is an attractive factor for other Yakuza group to recruit a traitor. Let alone those Yakuza groups that are hostile to Doushinkai.

But if Hirata killed his own child, then that’s another story.

In the Yakuza Saga, no matter it was Hirata used Gouda group to blame Yashiro, or Misumi (Amou) used Tsunekawa to destroy Hirata’s exit (Sanwakai), or Yashiro persuaded Hirata’s men and used them against him, none of them due direct harm to each other.

The rule is, they cannot directly lay hand on members in the same group.

In Yakuza relationship, Yashiro and Hirata are Misumi’s Child, and Yashiro is Hirata’s Child. This made-up Father & Son relationship cannot be violated.

So if Hirata killed his son with his own hands, no matter what kind of amazing ability he has, he will be no longer welcome in any Yakuza. A Father who killed his own Son will never get accepted by any Yakuza group. Even Yanagi, who was trying to use Hirata to put shame on Misumi’s face, can accept him no more. Also, if Yanagi helped this man who kill his own Son, Yanagi’s appearance will get fatally damage and will permanently affect his life as Yakuza. Yanagi will immediately lost his position as a potential Kaichou successor.

With his own death, Yashiro can :

1. Block all the exit of Hirata and declare his death sentence as Yakuza

2. Fatally damage Yanagi’s appearance and remove him from the successor list

3. Turn Misumi into the victim in this incident and raise his voice to Sanwakai in their future communication

4. Consolidate Misumi’s position as successor (Misumi will have to choose a new successor since he lost Yashiro. He may have to choose from other member’s Children, so he will meet less oppose when success the Kaichou position)

Not two, but four birds with one stone. Talk about terms worth dying for.

Feeling Fact----

“I should have let you go. I wanted to let you go. I don’t want to let you go, because you are cute. You are cute...but also scary. You said you would do anything for me, but you almost die for me. I am losing it because of you! I am not scare of you. I am scare of myself who is now unable to lose you...”

----Yashiro. CP 23.

A person’s mental stage can collapse if one meet severe mental damage. Let alone a child. 

Yashiro’s mental stage was already collapsed long before he grew up. As his mental stage continue to develop, he need to stabilize his collapsed mental stage. That was when he started to tell himself. “I like sex.” “I like it hurt.” “I can’t feel anything if it doesn’t hurt.” By turning himself into a masochist, he was able to continue growing stably in a twisted manner. This is a powerful protective skill Yashiro learn from his childhood. He continue to use this skill even after he grew up, to protect himself and sometimes other (Ex. use sex to exchange info to locate Ryusaki and found Nanahara before everything was too late).

Until Doumeki rip off this infected wound.

I always suggest Doumeki harmed Yashiro badly with his sex to him. Although his sex was gentle...Let’s put it this way. Because his sex was gentle, it severely damaged Yashiro. He recalled his childhood memory was the solid proof of it. 

Yashiro was twisted into form that he shouldn’t grow up to be by his twisted parents (I want to talk about his mother if we have the chance). Doumeki never realize it. He never realize the damage Yashiro’s twisted childhood had done to him. Maybe because Yashiro appeared to be so mature and independent, maybe because Yashiro act like nothing happen when talked about his past. Doumeki mistook those had passed for Yashiro and Yashiro had recovered from his wound. But actually, Yashiro never recovered from anything, he never admit he has anything to recover from (”I like how I am.” ----Yashiro Cp 2.).

So when Doumeki showed him the gentle love, he showed him what sex suppose to be, Yashiro couldn’t bear it. When Doumeki showed him what a human suppose to be, Yashiro couldn’t face it. If he admit sex should be done in the way Doumeki showed him, he will have to admit his past 36 years of life was nothing but an ugly ridiculous sarcasm. Yashiro couldn’t face it.

He couldn’t face himself. He couldn’t face Doumeki. He couldn’t face the endless cycle of twisted →accept pain →deceive himself →twist again. He couldn’t bear to live the rest of his life knowing he is a twisted man.

Pandora has opened her Box. There is no return for Yashiro.

Personal Fact----

Many may say Yashiro committed suicide was self-destructive, but wasn’t Yashiro lives a self-destructive life? Messing around with uncountable men, made himself the public toilet, knowing it would upset Hirata but still refuse to constrain a bit. As I see it, compare to his suicide, Yashiro’s daily life was instead self-destructive.

So if committing suicide was not exactly self-destructive for Yashiro, why would Yashiro do so? I discussed with  紫殇迹沫 (The author of the translated analysis), and she gave me this idea----

It was resistance. 

What was Yashiro resisting to? His fate.

Yashiro, never get to choose his fate. Almost everything in his life was forced. He was forced to accept the twisted lust from his stepfather, he was forced to face all the disgrace and insult from this teachers and classmates, he was forced to accept the shameful life he has to live. He was even forced to join Yakuza, because of Misumi san.

Why Kuga looks shining for Yashiro? Because Kuga resisted his fate. He has twisted parents like Yashiro, but he didn’t give in. He resisted to his twisted parents, he resisted when he was in the Reformatory. He resisted when Yashiro forcefully remove his resident (Isn’t this something similar to what Misumi san did to Yashiro BTW?) Even when he had no choice but had to live as a gangster, he still chose not to be Yashiro’s subordinate.

Choices that Yashiro never get to make.

“...I accepted everything and live until now. I don’t feel pain, and I don’t blame anyone. My life is not anyone’s fault...”----Yashiro CP 8

“....However, Nanahara. In this world, there are parents who betrayed their children, and children who betrayed their parents. Betrayal happens no matter blood-related or not. It’s all fate. It’s not anyone to blame.”

----Yashiro CP 20

Yashiro has been acceptance for his whole life. He accepted his twist, accepted his shame, accepted his fate. He “accepted everything and live until now” as he stated. 

This Yashiro, finally for once, he resisted.

----If I don’t get to choose my life, then I am going to choose my death.

After 36 years of his life. Maybe, something has changed within him.

Reference from----

<<Suicidal Behavior>>----By Paula J. Clayton

https://www.merckmanuals.com/professional/psychiatric-disorders/suicidal-behavior-and-self-injury/suicidal-behavior

<<Measuring the Suicidal Mind: Implicit Cognition Predicts Suicidal Behavior>>----By Matthew K. Nock, Jennifer M. Park, Christine T. Finn, Tara L. Deliberto, Halina J. Dour, Mahzarin R. Banaji

Special Thanks to----

紫殇迹沫 https://m.weibo.cn/u/5520613947

My Mentor in Saezuru Analyze