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harassing-minors-is-illegal · 7 years

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gjidaso

this was technically supposed to be for christmas but i didn’t get it done until now sorry!!! i hope u like it @majorasfate and @doodleladle

Three figures dressed in heroic tunics stand before a bridge made of rainbow, gripping their swords tightly.

“This is it,” one says. “It’s about to end.”

The second one nods. “We’ll finally save Princess Sanders. How long has it been since we last saw him?”

“Seven long years…” The last one remembers, nodding her head.

Navy turns and smirks at the two others. “You all owe me five rupees, by the way.”

“Why!?” The other two shout, frowning.

“I called that Clinton was the Princess in disguise! I told you all and you didn’t believe me!”

Dong- Rachel shrugs. “Fair enough,” while Lozy draws back.

“How the fuck were we supposed to figure that shit out? And also? Do I?? Look like?? I have that much money?? I am the brok-est ass motherfucker-,”

“Child, do not swear-,”

“Shut the Fuck up, Dong Mom-,”

Navy clears her throat. “You all owe me money anyways, so we should probably start saving him, right?”

The three of them cross the bridge, completely ignoring the large and heroic show that the Six Sages give them, making obscene and ridiculous jokes instead. They head inside the castle where they are met with six pathways.

“Why’s it always six?” Rachel asks, scratching her head. “Like, why not some other number? Like, three or seven or-,”

“Well?? Duh?? Six times two equals- Shit.”

“Twelve?? Lozy?? Twelve?? Where does twelve fit into this picture?? Child, just because you’re small and young doesn’t mean I can excuse this kind of intellectual ability.” Rachel interrupts, pulling a stupid ass face as she makes more jokes about how fucking tall I am.

“Children, calm. You’re all short.” Navy says, brushing her hair back and striking a pose. “Crush on me. I’m the tallest one here.”

“No?? Obviously, I’m the correct candidate to crush on because of my skills in the art of Drawing-,”

“Drawing’s not gonna save you in a fucking dungeon, bitch-,”

“OooOoOoh, says the writer, what, the pen mightier than the sword when you’re fighting octoroks?”

“Fuck Off?”

“Well, you know what does save you in a dungeon?” Navy smirks, again, because she’s just like that, “coming up with ideas. And y’all know what I’m good at.”

“Again?? Fuck Off?”

They head into the first room of the Forest Barrier and immediately light up in screams.

“What the Fuck-,”

“It’s just a Wolfos, Lozy, calm down-,”

“How fucking dare you, you ruined my tunic-,”

“Like it wasn’t already ruined in the first place?”

Navy kills it and laughs at the other two. “This is why I just got that over with in the first place? Just get your tunic ripped up in the first battle, man, that way you don’t have to worry about it later.”

“You’re wearing chain mail.”

“Well, gosh darn, looks like I got the lucky pile of the draw, huh?”

“Lucky draw of the pile.”

“Fuck.”

“Dumbass.”

“WHAT THE FUCK, SARIA-,”

“CHILL OUT, RACHEL, SHE’S FUCKING- FUCKING FLOATING AT A 45 DEGREE ANGLE, THAT’S PROBABLY NORMAL FOR SAGES-,”

Saria finishes her speech and watches as her childhood friends run off screaming, hoping that they can stay sane until they fight their final enemy.

The Fire Barrier’s rooms turn out to be a complete bust. They jump over and collect a few key rupees before realizing there is a massive obelisk standing in their way.

Navy tries to lift it up with her silver gauntlets, and truth be told, they probably could have lifted it out of the way if the other two had stopped laughing maniacally at her and helped out. But they didn’t. Rachel found a bag of Doritos on the floor and started eating them.

They leave the rooms to try the Water Barrier instead.

Two out of three of them are sobbing on the cold, snowy floor as Rachel angrily tries to figure out the ice block puzzle.

“I’ve?? Been dedicating all 21 years of my life to swords?? And being hot?? Who the fuck prepared me for ice block puzzles-,” Navy cries, shoving her hat into her face and openly bawling into it. “Nothing in life has prepared me for this. I’m not ready. I can’t believe this.”

Lozy is crying too, but she’s much less articulate. Her choice of wording is much too vulgar at this point. The word fuck is repeated multiple times.

Rachel pushes a final block. “I think I- fuck. I didn’t. Never mind.”

The two had gotten up for a split second, hope gleaming in their eyes, before they fell back down again, souls crushed.

“Why can’t we just pick them up.”

Ruto hangs on the ceiling and gives her speech as they continue talking about how stupid ice block puzzles are.

They’d eventually decided to leave a couple iron boots on each of the buttons after wasting all of their magic power to melt the ice blocks down with Din’s Fire.

Ruto lets a single tear slip down her face as she laments the fact that she crushed on Navy. It seems to be a recurring theme.

They’re in the rooms guarding the Shadow Barrier, and Lozy jumps over the little invisible islands as the other two hang back.

“I think I found something!” She calls, reaching into a treasure chest.

“Can you reach the bottom?” Rachel yells back.

“Fuck off!”

“What’d you find?” Navy shouts.

Maniacal laughter is heard in the background.

“FUCK YEAH! FINDERS KEEPERS, BITCH!”

Rachel turns to Navy. “What’d she find. Navy. What’d Lozy find.”

“I don’t know.”

There’s something golden and gleaming on Lozy’s fists as she reaches into the chest and chucks two other pairs of shining objects into the abyss.

“WhAT THE FUCK, LOZY-,”

Lozy jumps back over the little islands to the others, humming little songs.

“What the hell did you throw away!? We could’ve used those!”

Lozy smirks. “I know.”

“What the fuck?? What did you-, Oh.” The look on Rachel’s face pales and she looks at the Golden Gauntlets on Lozy’s hand.

“Mm… I dunno.” She runs off cackling to the barrier.

Impa seems to have given up already, because she didn’t even show up when the shot a Light Arrow at the barrier. It’s fine with them, though. They’d been arguing about who got to throw away the Dorito bag since they were almost finished with the chips.

They decided to head back into the Fire Barrier section since they had the Golden Gauntlets. Rachel threw the Dorito bag into the lava and watched it burn as Lozy chucked the pillar straight out of Trump's fortress, blasting a hole through the wall.

Navy grabbed the one or two remaining Rupee keys and let the other two head into the next room as she subtly slipped all the keys into her pocket. They looked just like silver rupees and made some pretty good counterfeits.

Darunia just sat and cried as he watched the people he considered sisters make their way out of the Fire Barrier’s rooms, screaming at each other and making way too much noise for it to be considered a serious event.

The Spirit Barrier’s rooms ended up with them screaming a lot. None of them really liked the light puzzles because they were pretty boring, and they only had one Mirror Shield that Rachel kept. While she finished the puzzles, Lozy and Navy sat and played Uno. Invisible Keese were attacking Rachel but they didn’t notice. Lozy was winning and Navy couldn’t have that. Rolling boulders were chasing after Rachel and she was screaming but they didn’t notice. Now Navy was winning.

Nabooru looked somewhat proud as the three of them came into the room, one of them (Rachel) significantly more beaten up than the others. Rachel had joined in the card game by then. She broke the barrier after shooting off her little spiel that none of the heroes listened to, leaving the three of them to suffer and play Uno.

The Light Barrier was a complete joke and they barely gave a shit about it. They shot a Light Arrow at the Barrier and left before Rauru could even speak a word. A single tear slipped down his face.

“Y’know,” Navy pants as they force their way up another spiraling staircase, “I never thought that stairs would be my biggest threat.”

“How does Trump climb up these every day?” Rachel agrees.

“He probably doesn’t? That’s how?” Lozy’s voice is farther back; she tripped on the stairs earlier and the two went on without her.

“How does he get to his throne room, then?”

“He just… stays up there all day.”

“Isn’t that, like… really unhealthy? To sit in a throne all day?”

“Probably.”

Organ music has been playing loudly in the background for the last hour they’ve been climbing the stairs. Rachel wonders if that one singular piece is all the musician can play.

Reaching the top takes so long that they run out of complaints to groan about. They clear a few more levels of lizalfos and fire-y death traps before reach the door to Trump’s lair.

“We’re finally here.” Navy says. “We’ve traveled a long way-,”

“Shut the fuck up.” Rachel kicks in the door and walks in. Lozy follows.

“A… Alright. Got it.”

“PRINCESS SANDERS!?” Lozy shouts as she spots the old man in the Democratic blue crystal that Trump stuck him in. “ARE YOU OKAY!?”

He replies but the crystal muffles what he’s saying so no one seems to understand.

“What!?” Navy yells. “What’d you say!? You gotta talk louder!”

Princess Sanders shouts something back but they still can’t hear him.

“C’mon, Princess Sanders, you gotta speak up!”

“…college debt-,”

Lozy nods. “Yeah, he’s fine.”

They focus back to the task on hand but are distracted yet again. By their hands, ironically. There’re symbols on their hands in the shape of a triangle.

“Yo, haha, what the fuck?” Navy asks, staring at her hand. “I don’t remember this being here?”

“Same, though, what the-,”

“Dude, my parents are gonna kill me if they see that I have a tattoo-,”

There’s a click sound and Trump turns around, his cape whapping him in the face as he spins. “Will you three shut the fuck up?”

Rachel squints but then gasps. “You’ve been exposed, Trump-,”

Trump kicks a CD player into the shadows. “Was not.”

Rachel clenches her fists and whispers. “He’s been lying all along. He can’t even play the organ.”

Trump clears his throat. “The Triforce parts are-,”

“You serious?”

“Resonating. They are combining-,”

“Hey, guys, c’mon, music instruments are hard and he probably wanted to look cool. Cut him some slack.”

“…Into one agai-,”

“But like? If you’re gonna play dramatic music at least play it yourself-,”

Trump takes a deep breath. “Can you please let me finish my speech.”

“oh yeah lol ok”

Trump clears his throat again and restarts. “The Triforce parts are resonating… they are combining into one again…” He pauses theatrically.

“Th-,”

“Is that it? Is that your speech? I’m bored.” Navy groans, sitting down on the floor and picking at the fuzz on the carpet.

“No, it’s not it.”

The other two groan and join Navy on the red carpet, lying down. “Tell us when you’re done.”

Trump bites his lip. He looks on the edge of tears and his hair is drooping sadly. He finishes his speech quickly and with a slight wet sound in his voice. “The two Triforce parts that I could not capture on that day seven years ago, yadda yadda yadda, let’s fight.”

Two of them get up immediately, bouncing excitedly.

Trump thrusts his arms up dramatically and they’re expecting him to start flying but he boards a Segway instead and starts zipping around the room.

Lozy and Rachel unsheathe their swords and prepare for battle.

Trump lifts an arm up, preparing a bright yellow ball of magic on it, all while screaming.

“Be careful everybody!” Rachel shouts, holding up the Mirror Shield, “We don’t know what that thing does!”

“Wh-,” Navy jolts up from the nap she was taking on the floor and realizes that they are in the midst of battle. “WHY DIDN’T ANY OF YOU TELL ME-,”

Trump launches the magic straight at Navy and she panics, reaching into her pack and pulling out the first thing she can grab.

It smacks into the energy ball and ricochets back to Trump, hitting him hard in the face. He falls off his Segway and rolls around on the floor groaning as his Segway rolls away from him. He is crying.

Navy gets up off the ground and unsheathes her sword to join the other two heroes.

“That was cool, Navy.” Lozy says. “How’d you do that?”

“Yeah, even I have to admit that you were kinda cool just there, Navy. Good job.”

Navy laughs and hides the bottle of milk back into her pack.

Trump is still crying on the floor so they take ample time to stroll over to him.

“Man, that was easier than I thought!” Navy says. “Look, he kinda looks like that tangerine you squashed once.”

“Oh, you mean when Rachel was riding Epona for the first time? You’re right! He does!”

The three laugh and Trump cries a little more.

They keep roasting Trump to oblivion and end up beating him the Fuck Up before Trump unsteadily rises. “The Great Magnificent Superb Amazing Huge Wonderful-,”

“Get to the point you fuckin’ roasted corn lookin’ ass shit. Tanning salon isn’t a good look for you.”

“…Donald Trump? Beaten by these kids!?”

Navy shrugs. “It’s more likely than you think. But if you switch to Geico insurance, you can-,”

He spits out green blood, all three of them recoil, and stares them straight in the eye with an oddly reptilian look. He screams and throws his arms up, turning into a light show. The building starts quaking and the three are knocked to their feet with the violent movements. The stained-glass windows they’re surrounded by burst into shards.

The next thing they know, they are standing on the top of the castle with Trump in front of them. He collapses to the ground, dead.

Princess Sanders gently floats down in his Democratic blue crystal before landing in front of the trio. The crystal fades from around him and he turns to look disdainfully at Trump.

“Pitiful man.” He spits. He turns to Trump and kicks him in the dick several times.

The building starts shaking again, the three are ready for it this time while the Princess is not, his feet are knocked under him and he falls onto the hard tile floor.

“Princess!” They shout in various degrees of concern. Lozy looks like she’s trying hard not to laugh.

“Listen to me,” he says in his croaking Brooklyn accent, “With his last breath, Trump is trying to crush us in the ruins of Trump Tower-,”

“Is that what he calls it?”

“Ew, gross-,”

“Bad name-,”

“We need to hurry and escape!” Bernie yells.

The three nod and turn to follow Bernie but he is still on the floor. He is not moving.

“Is he d- Wait, what’s that in the distance!?” Rachel shouts, pointing at a hazy cloud in the distance.

“I don’t-,”

Overwhelming chirping slams into their ears as the huge swarm of sparrows approaches. They pick up Bernie in their small talons and pick him up.

“Follow me!” He yells.

There are traps set for them in the castle on their way down, but apparently they weren’t expecting the hulking form of the Princess being carried by a cloud of tiny birds tweeting angrily. They didn’t pose much of a threat.

They escape in the nick of time, just before the Tower crashes down on all of them.

The four of them stand in the rubble of Trump Tower, grinning at each other.

“It’s over.” Bernie says, waving at the sparrows as they fly away. “It’s finally over…”

“Well, y’know,” Lozy interjects, “You never know when there’ll like, be a plot twist? Like, I dunno but this seems like a nice ass time for a plot twist-,”

“Oh shut up, Lozy, you’re jinxing it-,” Rachel shouts.

Something explodes in the rubble.

Navy steps in front of Princess Sanders, shielding him from the threat.

“I told you!! I fucking told you-,”

“If you hadn’t said anything, nothing would have happened-,”

They approach carefully, drawing their swords and creeping towards the sound. Rachel somersaults her way to the larger pieces of rubble.

Trump bursts out of the wreckage violently, shining with light yet again. Flames burst out around them, preventing the trio from escaping.

The large orange man gradually transforms into a hulking, disgusting, misogynistic, albeist, racist, just overall horrible pig- oh wait, he already was-, into a larger version of himself before roaring at them. He throws out an arm and knocks the Master Sword out of Navy’s hand. It goes flying past the ring of flames and by Princess Sanders.

He roars again.

Rachel unsheathes her Biggoron sword as Navy curses while looking for a backup weapon.

“What’re we gonna do!?” Navy yells, pulling out the Fairy Bow. We need the Master Sword to kill Trump-,”

“You guys, uh, realize I have the Golden Gauntlets, right?” Lozy interjects. “And that I can literally pick this guy up and throw him into the abyss?”

The three of them stare at each other before Navy hums reproachfully. “Yeah, but like, I wanna beat him up a little more??”

“Same.” Rachel agrees.

“Okay, then we can do it like the Bowser battle in Mario 64. I’ll grab his tail and swing it around and you guys can go grab the Master Sword and we’ll be good. You still have the fire tunic thing, right?” Lozy says.

“Yeah. Sounds like a plan.”

Lozy walks over to Trump, dodging the carelessly thrown punches and slashes of the sword and grabs the glowing tail with the Gauntlets.

“I’m gonna spin! Be careful!”

“Alrighty.”

She spins around at high speeds and Trump ends up looking like a tornado made entirely of Orange Fanta. Rachel bends over laughing while occasionally shooting Light Arrows into his asshole. Navy crawls through the fire and the flames and takes back the Master Sword before returning to the others.

“I’m getting dizzy, Navy, hurry up.”

“Alright, alright, put him down. I’ll stab him and get this over with.” Navy says.

Lozy slows down and sets Trump down before leaning into the abyss and throwing up. Navy takes the sword and sticks it through the red-as-republican-Texas crystal on his forehead.

“Six Sages!” Princess Sanders screams as loud as he can. “NOW!”

He throws his arms up in the air before buckling down onto the floor. It seems that he’s too old and tired to do anything else.

There’s a brief cutsce- moment where the three are aware of all the sages doing their duty, and they watch as Trump gets sucked into the Sacred Realm to be banished forever.

When the three of them wake up, they are in the sky. Princess Sanders stands in front of them, his suit stained and torn.

“Give me the Ocarina, Lozy.” He whispers.

“Sure, haha.” Lozy laughs. “I don’t know how to play it anyways.”

“I will return you all to your time… to when you were supposed to be… to how you were supposed to be…”

The Princess plays his lullaby and the story ends.

merry christmas and also trump is president now and im crying

#my stories #majorasfate #doodleladle

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