#dont. dont ask a fucking bpd person if theyre manic just because they dont want to do something or seem irritable/frustrated. ohmyfuckingfuc

[mongooseundertheporch]

[I am. trembling with anger. Oh my fucking god.]

[aeipathy-elysian]

Stop lingering.

I find it difficult. Some days I’m sat here, or laying in bed, and i realise the month of my diagnosis was probably the worst month i could have ever lived through… Not because i can remember the time at all. But because I’ve made a mental block to such a point, that its vanished into the void, of the abyss, of my mind. No matter how far i dig, no matter how deep or tall i clamber, that month is gone…

It makes me feel insane, i cant remember being told i was bipolar, i cant remember who i was sat with or what room i was in… i cant picture the paper, the pen, the colour of the god damn walls. I cant even remember what date it was.

What if i got it wrong, what if i read the paper wrong, what if they diagnosed me wrong, what if they perscribed me wrong. What if im so dang crazy i just delusioned the whole thing up?

I keep getting the thought that my heads lying to me, i keep feeling like im being watched, i keep loosing sight of whats important.

I feel like maybe theres a chance i could be worse than i think, but then i think theres a chance i could be better.

Then i get concerened because the only letters i can remember were B, P, D, which can stand for BiPolar Disorder aswell as Borderline Personality Disorder… but i believe that coincidence can be a thing in some lives… and ive just met a friend that significantly reacts simularly to how i do… she feels the same throughout the days, and although she may have lived a very different life, i feel as if weve lived the same one in ways. Everytime she explains how her head works and why things could be difficult, i cant help but feel shes explaining my head… this friend has BPD, and from what shes explained and what ive explained, our bipolar and bpd seem to be really very simular when it comes down to the deeper side of our minds.

I have friends who are Bipolar, and ive never had a connection with them, they dont see me as an equal or as bad as them, theyre confident and talkative, theyre loud and bubbly… they can say what they please to people, even if its demeaning… i feel like i can be that way sometimes but, i just dont feel like thats the answer anymore…

I can go from being anxious to manic to upset or angry or excitable all throughout the day, its a constant struggle knowing what mood im in and what mood may come about next. I feel it can be influenced by others aswell as myself. From what ive been told Bipolar comes in waves... and i get those too, i get the weeks/months/years on a depressive or a manic, but i still get all of the emotions in between during those times? What the fuck does this mean?!! Can personality disorders evolve and change?

Being Bipolar, you usually have to have a genetic already there to form the disorder, or have a quite a big traumatic experience in your lifetime that effects your life in more than one angle. I feel as if all the traumatic experiences ive been through have been adding slowly onto the same problem, i cant see a time specific to when shit started happening, it just did, i remember not being ao emotional, i remember when i was younger i never had issues like this. I feel like this is aomething ive formed over time.

I feel like i need to go to my GP and ask to look at my records. Am i allowed to do that? I ran from my issues so much that i know so little of what they studied of me.

I wish i would have listened that month, i wish i wasnt such an ignorant bastard to myself, maybe if i actually paid attentiok back then and attempted to help my head, things would be different?

Maybe im completely wrong, maybe the delusion is that i cant remember when at the back of my mind i might actually be able to recall everything? What is this.

I feel betrayed by myself, how do you control feelings of being lost like this

I feel like i dont know who or what i am anymore, its like a mystery that my paranoia and anxiety will never let me undig.

Im in the middle of an existential crisis. I dont know whats wrong with my head, and i think i want to know, but sometimes im just really not too sure.