#dont. dont ask a fucking bpd person if theyre manic just because they dont want to do something or seem irritable/frustrated. ohmyfuckingfuc

[mongooseundertheporch]

[I am. trembling with anger. Oh my fucking god.]

[bulletproofthroat]

i feel like a parrot just reiterating the amount of times ive had to tell people im fucking unwell and the fact my manic episodes are as volatile as an ipad kid getting their ipad taken off

yh ya girl tried to kill herself but instead did the next best thing and put some cuts in her arm, i cba being all soft im being cut throat w yall rn, ya dont like it then fuck off my page LOLL

anyway yeah, edgy scary painting because im mentally ill and im bipolar and im kanye west wowww omg😡😡😱😱

im js gonna vent yall dont gotta read shit im js tryina air ts out LOLL

so like im really fucking tired of people expecting me to do shit the way they wanna, like i deadass open up ab my vulnerable NPD to someone, and they then have the gall to say that theyre scared of me LOL and then theyll compare me to their ex or sm shit??? like sorry why?? i could go into it but id be sat here til 2am. secondly, this same retard has the cheek to tell me because i was manic, i was basically acting as an edgy 13 yr old when it came to me cutting myself, because believe it or not, i found it amusing, not in the sense im some corny tiktok cosplayer tryina be tough, but in the sense that im fucking cooked in the psyche. i think the added flavours of my trillion other disorders make my bipolar 8x worse because when im manic everything fluctuates, impulsivity, especially when my bpd comes into play, my mood switches rapidly, i have outbursts, im a reckless person i seek attention and gratitude off others, its a whole fuckin thing

yh, anyway, and what really pmo is that when im fuckin venting to someone they then have the gall, the hutzpah to be talking ab their own shit like sorry idgaf?? did i fuckin ask bro LOL like this is about me why are we skewing the conversation to you, if i wanted to talk about you then i would've mentioned you (which is highly unlikely) and the fact that theres people that love to fucking question my choices and act like im under the influence of drugs or pure stupidity, they can go fuck themselves icl bc yall js pmo.. ive been practically screaming at my doctor begging for a bipolar assessment because god forbid england ever gives 2 shits ab people with bipolar disorder. like how fucking hard is it to be medicated for bipolar??? and what pissed me off even more is that i was refused a psychosis diagnosis because my symptoms werent and i quote "psychotic enough" so youre telling me i still have prevailing psychotic symptoms but because theyre not fucking extreme i cant? i mean fine, but jesus christ its the constant back and fourth, and what im basically getting at is that im basically bipolar with psychotic symptoms.

and the fact im still fucking raw dogging life says enough. yeah ong icl idk if im gonna be living til 20 or sm shi, and i cba wassing any further ab it LMFAO

[aeipathy-elysian]

Stop lingering.

I find it difficult. Some days I’m sat here, or laying in bed, and i realise the month of my diagnosis was probably the worst month i could have ever lived through… Not because i can remember the time at all. But because I’ve made a mental block to such a point, that its vanished into the void, of the abyss, of my mind. No matter how far i dig, no matter how deep or tall i clamber, that month is gone…

It makes me feel insane, i cant remember being told i was bipolar, i cant remember who i was sat with or what room i was in… i cant picture the paper, the pen, the colour of the god damn walls. I cant even remember what date it was.

What if i got it wrong, what if i read the paper wrong, what if they diagnosed me wrong, what if they perscribed me wrong. What if im so dang crazy i just delusioned the whole thing up?

I keep getting the thought that my heads lying to me, i keep feeling like im being watched, i keep loosing sight of whats important.

I feel like maybe theres a chance i could be worse than i think, but then i think theres a chance i could be better.

Then i get concerened because the only letters i can remember were B, P, D, which can stand for BiPolar Disorder aswell as Borderline Personality Disorder… but i believe that coincidence can be a thing in some lives… and ive just met a friend that significantly reacts simularly to how i do… she feels the same throughout the days, and although she may have lived a very different life, i feel as if weve lived the same one in ways. Everytime she explains how her head works and why things could be difficult, i cant help but feel shes explaining my head… this friend has BPD, and from what shes explained and what ive explained, our bipolar and bpd seem to be really very simular when it comes down to the deeper side of our minds.

I have friends who are Bipolar, and ive never had a connection with them, they dont see me as an equal or as bad as them, theyre confident and talkative, theyre loud and bubbly… they can say what they please to people, even if its demeaning… i feel like i can be that way sometimes but, i just dont feel like thats the answer anymore…

I can go from being anxious to manic to upset or angry or excitable all throughout the day, its a constant struggle knowing what mood im in and what mood may come about next. I feel it can be influenced by others aswell as myself. From what ive been told Bipolar comes in waves... and i get those too, i get the weeks/months/years on a depressive or a manic, but i still get all of the emotions in between during those times? What the fuck does this mean?!! Can personality disorders evolve and change?

Being Bipolar, you usually have to have a genetic already there to form the disorder, or have a quite a big traumatic experience in your lifetime that effects your life in more than one angle. I feel as if all the traumatic experiences ive been through have been adding slowly onto the same problem, i cant see a time specific to when shit started happening, it just did, i remember not being ao emotional, i remember when i was younger i never had issues like this. I feel like this is aomething ive formed over time.

I feel like i need to go to my GP and ask to look at my records. Am i allowed to do that? I ran from my issues so much that i know so little of what they studied of me.

I wish i would have listened that month, i wish i wasnt such an ignorant bastard to myself, maybe if i actually paid attentiok back then and attempted to help my head, things would be different?

Maybe im completely wrong, maybe the delusion is that i cant remember when at the back of my mind i might actually be able to recall everything? What is this.

I feel betrayed by myself, how do you control feelings of being lost like this

I feel like i dont know who or what i am anymore, its like a mystery that my paranoia and anxiety will never let me undig.

Im in the middle of an existential crisis. I dont know whats wrong with my head, and i think i want to know, but sometimes im just really not too sure.