#dont worry.... im already drowning in guilt

[snacho-to-ur-nacho]

4p🦜

this is for infinity alchemist tho its just practice (and im incredibly jet lagged and been up all night so its pretty bad)

Ramsay glanced between ash and callum, in the spare bedroom of the house they were staying as he slowly healed and they could find a path to house Lune. Ash and Callum were clearly watching him, even though they both tried to hide it. Ramsay's wound still ached more than anything, but he ignored it, impatient with it.

"Ramsay-" Callum started

"Dont." ramsay stopped him. The aprentice could not take another apology from him. he could tell Callum was sincere, but everything was too overwhelming already, and he was too emotionslly exhausted to deal with it.

"Ramsay, maybe hear him out." Ash said, gentle but with a firm undertone.

"No. I dont want to be anywhere near him." Ramsay glared, noticing Callums energy showing some hurt. Ramsay felt a twinge of guilt, but pushed it away. Source- why was he guilty? Callum had done much worse. Ramday knew now that Callum did it because of his father's abuse, and it did worry ramsay of all that Callum said, but he didnt want to trust Callum again. Atleast not just yet. "Just stay away from me."

"Ramsay, you can't be like that to Callum- he sacrificed a lot for you, you know that, right?" Ash reminded, a bit sterner

Ramsay didn't have an answer for that.

"I truly am sorry, Ramsay. i wouldnt have given up all i did if i wasnt." Callum said softly "but i gave it up for you, and i'll do it all again, because-"

"Callum, please." Ramsay said "...I just need time."

There was silence in the room for a moment, Callum cleaning up a rabit he found, preparing to cook it, cutting it into smaller pieces, though his mind was still on Ramsay. Creator, he really was sorry, wishing he could turn back time. His mind too busy to be fully aware of where he was cutting the rabit and he accidentally nicked off a bit of his finger, hissing suddenly with the pain, getting both Ash's and Ramsay's attention.

"Are you alright?" Ash asked, quickly going to him to see the cut

"Im- fine." callum siad, breathing in slowly, the wound didnt hurt too bad, but had drawn a bit of blood. Ash bandaged it slowly, sitting across from him on the bed, trying to be gentle, their hands lingering in the tenderness of the moment, pausing and holding eachother's gaze, forgetting Ramsay was there.

Ramsay watched, suddenly feeling a pit in his stomach as he read their energies. They weren't just friends- and they both had known it for a while. Suddenly, it felt hard to breathe, like he was drowning, eyes widened. And it all started making sense- why ash trusted callum, why he was always on callum's side-

which meant either of two things-

Callum was playing ash too- but energy doesnt lie

or-

Ash had been playing ramsay.

Ramsay could have sworn the energy he detected from ash had been sincere but- callums had also been sincere until that day, hadnt he? was this all a joke- of course, ash had been playing a prank- and probably callum too-

just the thought sent waves of pain and betrayal through him, getting both ash and callum's attention. but he quickly wiped wmotion from his face, and stonily asked "just how close are you two now?" trying not to let any of his emotiond be seen.

there was a moment of hesitation, both ash and callum glanced at eachother and hesitated

their silence said more than words ever could

Ramsay felt the aur being knocked out of his lungs.

"Ash, you said- You promised-" ramsay said "was this all a joke to you? a prank of sorts- of course!" ramsay laughed, but more one out alof anger and pain than humor

"Ramsay, its not like that-" Ash said but ramsay intuurpted him

"not like that?! then go on. what is it like?" ramsay snapped

Ash was silent, not knowing how to explain jt

"i thought so." ramsay said, turning away

"Ramsay, I care for you too-" Ash said quickly sensing ramsays disdain and hurt

"no, you dont. if uou did, you wouldnt be screwing Callum Kendrick." Ramsay said

"okay, but to be fair we never said we were exclusive-" ash said, but even he knew what a wrak argument that was.

Ramsay turned away "right. unbelievable. i waited for so long for you- 'exclusive'-" he seemed too overwhelmed witb emotions to be able to finish his sentanve. Of course ash hadnt wanted to be exclusive with him- who would?

"Ramsay, stop. You know how much I- we care for you-" Ash said

"No, i dont!" ramsay exclaimed, feeling pain and anger at ash, callum-

and at himself, for daring to hope he could be loved.

"Ramsay-" callum said, but ramsay couldnt take this torrent of emotions, not even being able to look them in the eyes, the two people he loved- why did he think this would work out? he stormed out, angry at everything including himself, and the tears which had started to well in hsi eyes. He wouldnt let them see him cry, he turned away and walked into the forest, quickly walking deep into the woods, ignoring both of them calling his name as he left.

he walked through, quickly, not jnowing where he was going, till he found a stream where he finally collapsed. he stayed there for source knew how long, no one there excpet the pigeons watching him from the trees.

⋆˚࿔ build-a-fic 𝜗𝜚˚⋆

➴ chose a line of dialogue, an emotion and a setting (a number, letter, + a creature), and write/request to your heart’s content!

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ a piece of dialogue

꒰ 1 ꒱ “i can’t fucking believe this.”

꒰ 2 ꒱ “what they said back there. is it true?”

꒰ 3 ꒱ “it’s not safe here anymore- we need to leave. now!”

꒰ 4 ꒱ “you know how much i care about you.”

꒰ 5 ꒱ “they’re never going to hurt you again.”

꒰ 6 ꒱ “here, let’s get you warmed up.”

꒰ 7 ꒱ “i didn’t do it. please, you have to believe me!”

꒰ 8 ꒱ “i’m taking you home, and that’s that.”

꒰ 9 ꒱ “do you trust me?”

꒰ 10 ꒱ “i can’t sleep either. mind if i join you?”

꒰ 11 ꒱ “you’re not your worst mistake.”

꒰ 12 ꒱ “try and eat, if you can. it’ll make you feel better.”

꒰ 13 ꒱ “i say this with all the love in my heart, but you look like shit.”

꒰ 14 ꒱ “they’re going to surround us. we need to get ready.”

꒰ 15 ꒱ “i need you to leave.”

꒰ 16 ꒱ “we can’t be seen together like this. not anymore.”

꒰ 17 ꒱ “it’s dangerous. i need you to know that before you agree.”

꒰ 18 ꒱ “it’s just one night- surely sharing a bed for that long won’t kill us.”

꒰ 19 ꒱ “it’s getting dark, we should think about heading back.”

꒰ 20 ꒱ “what have i told you about coming here?!”

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ an emotion

꒰ A ꒱ disdain

꒰ B ꒱ grief

꒰ C ꒱ ecstasy

꒰ D ꒱ disbelief

꒰ E ꒱ anxiety

꒰ F ꒱ contentment

꒰ G ꒱ drunkenness

꒰ H ꒱ enjoyment

꒰ I ꒱ confusion

꒰ J ꒱ fear

꒰ K ꒱ hunger

꒰ L ꒱ relief

꒰ M ꒱ distrust

꒰ N ꒱ fondness

꒰ O ꒱ delight

꒰ P ꒱ hurt

꒰ Q ꒱ love

꒰ R ꒱ sickness

꒰ S ꒱ exhaustion

꒰ T ꒱ betrayal

𓂃 ࣪˖ ִֶָ a setting

꒰ 𓆉 ꒱ the corner bed in a hospital ward

꒰ 𓅨 ꒱ a spare bedroom

꒰ 𓆣 ꒱ an alleyway behind a dive bar

꒰ 𓃰 ꒱ a mountainside shrouded in fog

꒰ 𓃗 ꒱ a skeevy motel just off the highway

꒰ 𓃱 ꒱ a barren industrial plant in the middle of nowhere

꒰ 𓃟 ꒱ the lush, indulgent foyer of a member’s only club

꒰ 𓆟 ꒱ the war room of a military blacksite

꒰ 𓆈 ꒱ the produce aisle of a 24/7 supermarket

꒰ 𓅫 ꒱ the bedside of someone who doesn’t want you there

꒰ 𓅟 ꒱ the walk-in fridge of a failing restaurant

꒰ 𓃵 ꒱ a rickety old barn’s hayloft

꒰ 𓃓 ꒱ at work, far later than you should be

꒰ 𓆌 ꒱ a stranger’s bed at dawn

꒰ 𓆏 ꒱ an airplane hanger

꒰ 𓅭 ꒱ a medical bay that stinks of antiseptic and fear

꒰ 𓆗 ꒱ the kitchen of a derelict house

꒰ 𓃢 ꒱ the dressing room of a luxury department store

꒰ 𓆧 ꒱ the place where grassy plains meet desert dunes

꒰ 𓃔 ꒱ a beach at low tide

[ihatebnha]

🦊hey!!!!!! I just read the tags for one of my asks!!!! I'm so sorry you get nervous responding to these!!!! Is it just the length? Cause I can trim it down, I really don't wanna make you anxious! I'm so so sorry!!!!

Awww, you’re so sweet ajdkfaskldk... i honestly don’t even know how to explain it... but it’s not you that’s making me nervous. i promise you’ve done nothing wrong and have no need to apologize for anything!!! 

it’s just... and bear with my terrible explanation skills here... 

it’s almost like hmmm... when you put time and care into sending me an ask, i want to put time and care into answering it.... except that, because of, I usually end up nervous that i can’t or won’t... and then put off answering all together. 

it’s not that i don’t want to... it’s just i get scared that i’ll do a bad job or it wont be good enough to be appreciated. the same thing goes for most prompts too... the more i want to answer... the less i actually can, and since i always want to answer everything... i usually end up either 1. answering nothing, or 2. answering just a long time later...  

(and i do this with a lot of things i get, not just you...🔥 knows this very well smh!!) 

So when i get your asks, it’s not that there’s anything wrong with them... because i really do appreciate them and want to chat with u, it’s just that i can’t always get to them right away... and the longer they are... the more i end up pressuring myself to do a good job when I do... both things which in turn make me nervous and is why i sometimes can’t respond immediately, or even don’t respond at all.  

also, the longer something sits in my box, the less i want to answer it anyway, mostly because either the interest as faded (for prompts specifically)(and not all the time, just if i havent planned anything for them)(and don’t worry because I usually do plan stuff for them, LOL), OR... im scared someone will be mad at me for answering something idk days, weeks, even months, later. lol :(

(it should also be noted that sometimes, not usually, but sometimes, long answers take me a long time to write... so it drains a lot of my energy and takes away from time i would normally spend writing other things, idk.) 

SO... it’s not like you’re doing anything wrong AT ALL, because you really arent, and i love everything thats sent to me!! it just should be noted that if you send something in, i might not respond... and if i do, it could take up to weeks. hopefully and probably not. but it COULD. 

i’m really just like... bad at talking to people normally and being chill about things. I always get messages like “you shouldnt feel bad!!” + “take your time!!” + “just respond however you can” but it’s really hard for me not to put effort into everything. so i always just... psyche myself out anyway lol.

please just know that it’s not your fault and i’m never purposefully trying to ignore ANYONE!! theres just not enough hours in a day to answer everything the way i wish i could. 

btw: prompts/requests go through a different process altogether. LOL. but yea. this is why im slow. because im NERVOUS abt pleasing you!!!

anyway i love you and i hope this makes sense!!! i promise its nothing about you, and that you should just keep doing what you do... because hopefully, i can catch up!!

[yaomomvs]

TAKE OUR HAND

seijoh x manager!reader

in which aoba johsai vbc just wants you to take their hand, just as the many times they have reached for yours when they needed it

pls i’m sorry i just wrote this for comfort, in having a terrible week and so, i just really need my seijoh boys to comfort me even if it’s just in my head and just so you know, and as i’ve been trying to convince myself, things always get better

tuesday, [15:56 pm]

“nice kill yahaba senpai!” kindaichi congratulates his upperclassman.

his voice makes you react, it scared you. still holding your pen and the notebook you always carry around even on normal practice days, your hand threatens you in the most scary way possible.

fuck no, just... breathe.

you are quick to leave aside the notes, and so, you look around to the boys, who just after the coach’s whistle sounds they are quick to approach your spot.

you take the water bottles as quickly as you can.

“oh y/n-san, i know we are irresistible but you can’t just slack off admiring us!” makki teases you laughing.

“if our dear manager is admiring someone is obviously me” oikawa says, before taking a sip of his bottle, slightly making you blush even more.

“i don’t think she likes idiots who still watch youtube conspiracy videos at 3am”

“iwa!”

“weren’t you the one with a secret obsession for romance manga, iwaizumi?” it’s mattsun time to expose his friend. iwai mi doesn’t hesitate and he runs directly to matsukawa, while kunimi brings out his phone to start recording the chaos in the gym.

you don’t listen.

your head hurts, and then, you once again feel this weird thing in you stomach. you have been feeling like this for the past week, and you try to ignore it . but sometimes, you just want the world to stop.

you can’-

“y/n senpai?” watari calls your name, and you notice his furrowed brows looking at you, worried. you blink and correct your posture. you had just zooned out. “is everything ok?”

“ah yes watari kun!” you force your self to sound relaxed because you feel the sudden gaze of the entire team “i was just thinking in a smart way to insult oikawa, but i’m worried he won’t understand tho”

“hey! you said i was your favorite”

you fake laugh once again assuring everyone that you were just fine. the day goes on, and somehow is becomes more difficult to just stay down not worrying about anything.

and they notice.

you don’t walk home with the guys today. instead you run to the bus not before excusing yourself with an ‘urgent family thing’

“just please don’t let makki eat so much ramen today!” you giggle as you run to the bus “i’m not in the mood to dealing with diarrea!”

“that was a secret between us darling!” the pink haired guy screams cheeks blushing.

and maybe you were just too distracted, but before you face them away some of them notice how quick your smile fades.

“you know guys” yahaba is quick to say “call me crazy but, why did she lie?”

—

wednesday, [10:22 am]

when was the last time you actually enjoyed school? not practice, but school itself. seeing numbers everyday in the board that you don’t understand is frustrating. your throat hurts, there’s has been a not there since the begging of the day.

swallow it, y/n, dammit

you decided to take this class, don’t blame the world, blame yourself. isn’t it supposed to be simple? why isn’t it being simple? is that... 

"Square root of 57 is equal to Xo, miss" 

"alright!" 

it is not like it’s a race, you want to say. why was the teacher obsessed with speed?, it’s unfair. your time is not the same as that of others. 

you drop the pencil and you recline in your chair, why couldn’t you do operations and analysis as fast as they could? you take a look around and the eyes of others look frightening. you see ambition, you see security, you see admiration.

the bell rings and you just want to run, and well in a way you end up doing it. leaving your homeroom, you tell your friends that for today you want to be alone, the halls of aoba johsai are big, for your fortune or misfortune. you go to the vending machine and when your drink falls, the minimum noise makes you startle, lately it’s like that, small noises or actions affect you way too much.

and iwaizumi notices it.

you don’t make a single move, it’s just the cold drink resting on your hands. and before iwaizumi could stop mattsun, he was already putting his hand on your shoulder.

“y/n!”

the orange juice spills and once again fear takes hold of you.

you see them both, you’re not stupid and you know hajime stares at you weirdly, and now mattsun, you hide your fear it a bit worse than yesterday, but you do anyways.

"someday, Matsukawa-san, YOU’RE GOING TO KILL ME! and what will you do without me?" you try to say cheerful, wanting to take away the suspicion, for a moment it works.

"flunk history, that leads me to..." 

"no, sweeheart, i won’t give you my homework" 

you walk and both guys follow you, one faster than another, very naive of the situation. "I begin to believe you hate me," says Mattsun, as the three sit on a bench near the school cafeteria casually encountering kunimi who quickly joins you, patting the folds of your skirt as you sit down, you rest on the table and admire his needy expression and as the tantrum of mattsun grows.

minutes go by, your chest pain grows, but somehow you know how to let it go.

 with your hands supporting your face, lunch passes between you and kunimi, you try to talk, you really try. 

but still, your eyes just glow, and kunimi notices how it’s not the glow you always have.

—

thursday [12:03]

your head is spinning, you can feel the cold sweat. will this be the time? why do you feel so small? why can’t you say it?

it’s familiar, you recognize this feeling, an ocean, you’re floating, you know you can swim, but, you’re in the middle of nowhere, you look down. Out of nowhere the intimidating depth of the ocean is beneath you. And then, you sink. You feel like you’re drowning, you feel like you’re fighting the tide, but you just can’t do it.

i just need...

no, it’s not time yet, it’s still training. the boys... you’re the one who should take care of them, you’re the one who has to be be fine. they had no time to lose, they had a goal and for the moment that was the most important thing.

On that bench, your gaze is absent, you know it is so.

and through the window that overlooks your classroom, oikawa notices it too

“y/n...” he mumbled.

of course he’d noticed. at first it was not so clear, but now he remembers.

when kindaichi pinned your dark circles to him, while admiring you by fitting volleyballs in a way not of your own.

makki watches oikawa from your side, you don’t even know the pink-haired guy is there, unaware that he’s sitting next to you. but he notices. he’s been noticing for days that your eyes are threatening to close in the middle of class.

hanamaki catches your attention and instantly that mask you’ve been wearing for weeks appears again.

"hanamaki, i’m fine"

it doesn’t convince them. they both look out the window and nod.

oikawa notices, and god, he wished he had no reason to.

—

friday [14:00 pm]

breathe.

please just... breathe.

you’re fed up. the feeling of guilt and discomfort is still there, can’t you be calm? people don’t need to know, but why do you want to shout it?

the dressing room is alone, the girls from the soccer team are out and it’s your only chance.

the team needs you, hold on a little.

your footsteps are heard in the hallway once again, a symphony you’re tired of listening to.

your chest hurts, your heart is aching, but you just need a little more. hands are shaking, the cold in your body, you need to stop.

you have to make them stop.

but when you walk into the gym, even with your eyes down, all you feel is warm. and it’s because, the boys were standing, aligned begging for you.

no, they beg for your sake.

and everything stops.

one hand from him on your neck, and one hand around your shoulders.

because oikawa, without warning, now has you in his arms.

and then, only then, you break.

tears don’t take long to come out, along with desperate sobs. your legs fail and out of nowhere, you and oikawa are on your knees.

with an alarmed look, the whole club runs towards both, surrounding you as sensibly as possible.

"i’m sorry, i’m sorry I’M SORRY" is heard from you, between hiccups.

“love, listen...” iwaizumi approaches you,somehow he managed to catch up with you, somehow he managed to hold your hand.

"i promise i didn’t want to, but i can’t, i can’t anymore, why can’t i? i try and i try and i keep trying but it’s never enough! IM TIRED OF SEEING SOMETHING AND NOT BEING ABLE TO PROCESS IT LIKE THE OTHERS. I’M TIREDD OF NEVER FULFILLING WHAT I SHOULD”

yahaba’s heart aches, and just as most of the team, is shocked.

your hands, oh your adorable hands, those hands that bandage his in the middle of an important game, he sees them shaking horribly between iwaizumi’s.

“AND I’M SCARED, WHAT IF I LOSE YOU BECAUSE OF THAT BECAUSE OF ME? BECAUSE OF HOW I AM I-“

watari is quick to place your hair gently behind your ear, a kunimi covers you with his jacket.

“I LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND I DONT RECOGNIZE MYSELF” you lower your voice, its cracked now “oikawa I don’t recognize myself, I want to be me again" you whisper, and a knot appears in the captain’s throat, and he puts a hand on your cheek "please... just let me be me again" your throat burns, your eyes get redder.

the gym goes silent, your words still echoing in everyone’s head.

“why didn’t you-“

“i just couldn’t” you blame yourself cutting oikawa off “look at us! we are waisting time on me when we should be- i’m the one who has to- im you support not-“

“hey hey, love...” iwaizumi whispers his voice is filled with sweetness, letting you sit correctly and softly rubbing his thumb in your hands “how many times have you been there for us? y/n your hand is always there”

“that’s true” kyotani says, finally saying something, emotions overwhelmed him a lot, but he genuinely wanted to help you.

“there’s something about you, there’s light” kindaichi follows up.

“no matter where, or how bad we are, somehow you always are helping us stand up” mattsun also tries to carefully approach you, he wants nothing more for you to feel safe.

and oikawa’s arms were still around you. he never stopped.

“we have reached your hand so many times, so now it’s time for you to please take ours” oikawa holds you face, and you see the sincerity and kindness behind his brown eyes, it feels like home.

mattsun does a sign asking the coach for a day off, both of them smile tenderly at you and give the green flag. iwa and makki are next to hold you carefully helping you stand up. they help you stop shaking but it’s mad dog the one who wipes your tears away with a tissue watari handled him. still not knowing if he did it the right way. you still feel kunimi’s scent. you still see kindaichi holding your school bag making sure nothing is missing. yahaba is the one bringing you water. and oikawa still refuses to let you go.

all of them feel like home.

“thank you”

and that’s how you know everything is going to feel fine.

because this club was yours and you were theirs.

this was home.

[spikesbimbo]

-Giving head for the first time

-Sakusa, Atsumu, Hirugami, Boktuo

a/n: this was inspired by me thinking about being the first person omi gives head to </3 

first post of the year!

18+ Minors DNI

-Kiyoomi Sakusa 

Again, give and take.

This isn't the first time hes seen your bare cunt, exposed to the world, him being in it and making a mess multiple times.

You assured him that he didn't have to go down on you due to his “predicament”.

 You said that just touching and kissing him was enough, and you were right, everytime leaving you soaked.

But he insisted, it internally hurting his pride of whether he could get you off, and also believing that's what a good boyfriend should do. Bless his heart 

You returned the thought, wanting to suck him off, but he declined saying maybe later.

You eventually did before him, now wanting to get you off even more because of the guilt that you've given him head but not the opposite.

-

“Yoomi'' you whined as he opened your legs, him facing you needy cunt. You've never been so shy in your life, him staring at it for what felt like forever, not moving an inch.

“Baby” you started, uncovering your eyes with your hands and moving them down to his head. “You don't have too” you softly continued, gently stroking his cheek with your fingers getting tangled in his locks. 

This isn't just his first time with you, it's his first time with anybody. Yes he was confident in everything he did, but that was because he had practiced before. And also he wanted to do good for you, worrying if he was going to be good enough even though he would never admit that outloud. 

But you already knew, making your heart flutter that he would go to such lengths for you, getting you even wetter without him touching you. 

He moves his head closer to your entrance, slowly taking your hands off his face and putting them in his hair, gently grabbing it. He started kissing around it, natural instincts coming into play, gripping your legs.

You let out a whimper as he bit the sensitive area around your thighs, he looked up to make out if that was a good or bad one, quickly seeing your head roll back with your eyes, instilling confidence in him.

“Fuck yoomi, please” You moaned shoving your greedy cunt into his face. He usually wouldn't tolerate this attitude, but seeing as he's doing this for you, he lets it slide and at last connects his lips to your swollen clit. 

He works his tongue making you let out a string of cries and whines getting him painfully hard. As much and he wanted to make himself feel good, he reminded himself that this was all for you and him now , putting all of his work into both of his hands and mouth.

He continued flicking his tongue making you arch your back, now roughly grabbing his hair, not letting him up, getting lost in your own world, feeling prideful that he could make you feel this good.

He was in his own world too right now, not even worrying about the mess he was in, even admiring it. “Fuck doll” he groaned, his face still buried deep in your cunt, your movement getting eratic, letting him know you were close.

“I-im gonna cum- yoomi… please!” You begged, feeling like you were about to tip over and the only thing keeping you stable was his touch.

“Cum for me.” he muttered, taking his lips slightly off enough to reposition them, placing them in the spot he knew you loved.

“Fuck” you cried gripping onto hair even stonger making you see white while cumming all over him, drowning him in more of a mess. 

Coming back to reality, realizing what you've done, now hiding your face again. You knew he wasn't mad at you, and he was trying his hardest not to care about being soaked in your cum.

“I love you” he commented, already proving it but reminding you in a different form.

“I know” you giggled, feeling his cock, still stunningly hard. “lemme take care of you now?” 

-Atsumu Miya

Boy is needy asf

But you're his shy little virgin gf, which he respects, even though he's been daydreaming about him in between your legs.

So one day you finally get there after kissing for what seems like hours.

He makes you look him in the eyes, making sure you're actually okay with this, and not just going along with it because you don't want him to get upset.

 He loves, and I mean loves, watching you squirm and cry out because of him.

It makes his ego rise causing him to be more cocky, shoving his face back into you like he would die if he didn't get a taste.

When you finally cum for the nth time while he's eating you out he's puts that to rest, then fingers you till you pass out, crying out his name, saying that you can't take it anymore even though you could

What a good boyfriend < 3

-

“Tsum- ahh” you moaned sitting on his lap, grinding on his erection, making your pussy wetter than you've ever got it before.

“You gonna let me take care of you?”  he kissed into your skin making you let out another whine.

“Hmm baby?” he grinned seeing you in such an already fucked out state with him barely even touching you. “Cmere doll.” he said flipping you over so that you were now on your back and he was above you.

“Dont hide that pretty face, lemme see you.” he gently said, not wanting to overstress you, wanting to put all his energy into taking care of you. “Good girl.” he praised after you shyly removed your hands, now just laying there.

“You sure u want this baby?” he asked, looking you deeply in your eyes, stroking your cheek with one of his hands. “….y-yeah” you replied, grabbing him by the shoulder dragging him in for another kiss.

“Needy little thing” he muttered, dragging his fingers across your oh so wet panties. “I should just give you my dick huh, you'd like that baby wouldn't you?” he teased dragging them off finally seeing your pretty little pussy for himself. 

“Just playing baby.” he said, moving his head down to be face to face with your cunt. “wouldn't wanna break ya.”  

“Tsumie please” you could only moan at the thought of being stuffed full, feeling his breath on you, increasing the wetness between your legs.

“There she is! My pretty girl at last opening up...You wanna tell me what you want princess?” he teased again.

“Y-you-”

“Hmm can't hear you” he said cutting you off, his lips now hovering over your clit.

“Y-our mou-th” you finally got out, feeling more embarrassed than ever to admitting what you desperately wanted. You were by no means a “good girl”. But you kept yourself closed off, not wanting a hit and run relationship, but the way you acted when you were needy was a whole different story, that he loved to pull out of you.

“Yes maam.” he uttered as he started kissing on it, it all being a foreign feeling to you, you never making yourself feel this good. 

He increased his pace going between sucking on your clit and licking it all up, leaving you a mess before his eyes, he was blessed. The fact he had someone as sweet and beautiful as you in his life made him want to worship the ground you walked on, devoting all his pleasure to you. 

He went back at it making you cum for the 3rd time, feeling pride that he got you off this easily, but not letting it get to his head, just yet.

“Ahhh!” you squealed feeling his finger suddenly inside you. “Shh relax baby” he said, to which you listened, letting him at last thrust his fingers inside of you. “Dont that feel good?”  

“Y-yeah f-fuck.” you moaned, not even trying to hold it back anymore. The pleasure of his mouth and fingers pushing you into your 4th orgasm today. 

You grabbed his wrist wanting the attention on you right now and not your throbbing cunt even though you loved the feeling and didn't want it to stop. He turned his head to see your pretty face once again, already reading your mind, locking eyes for what seems like forever, eventually smirking along with you, grabbing you back up in his arms saying “Oh were not even close to done baby.” 

  -Sachiro Hirugami

You had a bad day : (

So when you come home and immediately clinging to your boyfriend, he knows just what to do to cheer you up.

You haven't been dating for that long, only a few months, but he could tell by the way you greedily kissed him that you wanted more.

He grabs your lower back as you snuggle into him, letting you complain about your day, talking his ears off, listening as he should.

But what he starts to do, slowly sliding his hands down your shorts, making you go wide eyed then falling into his touch making you let out a few held back moans.

BUT HERE'S THE THING

He lets you rant about your day while you ride his face.

True love< 3

-

“Gamiii” you whined completely, losing focus. The tv in the background being muted in your mind, the only sense you're feeling right now is his touch.

“Hold on honey” he softly laughed repositioning you in his lap, you not being shy at all, being so needy for him with a pout adorning your face. He continued to listen about you rant about your day while kissing your neck every so often, hands gently but firmly holding onto your sides.

You stopped for a second, his hand getting extra close to your ass, did he mean it? You don't know, but what you did know was that it gave you butterflies, in your heart and pussy.

You moaned into his neck again, this time accompanied by your hips swinging back and forth, taking out your stress on your poor boyfriend, not that he minded. You could use him in any way you wanted. He just lived to please you.

“I got an idea love.” he said, taking your hand into his, playing with your fingers.

He laid down on the couch, you still in his lap, just moving you slightly with your hands now resting on his chest. He took your hand in his again pulling you towards his face, to your confusion. 

“If you wanted to kiss then we could have done it sitting.” you thought, missing the feeling in his lap. But before you could pout any longer he dragged you on even further, you mind guessing what was happening but your conscious not wanting to admit it.

You immediately got flustered, the fact that he was wanting you, to sit on his face, made your cheeks burn.

“A-are you sure” you mumbled out, feeling him grow in anticipation. “Yeah baby. If i wasn't thinking about it ever since you came home i wouldn't have”   

“Thinking… about me. Really?” you shyly confessed. “Of course love.” he said, sliding your shorts off along with your panites, wanting to taste you for so long. “All I do at work is think about you, wanting to touch you, feel you, kiss you.”

He finally got you to hover over his face, being nervous about the whole thing, wondering if he could handle your weight. But he assured you by pulling you down onto his lips, immediately sucking on your neglected clit. 

“nghh” you instantly moaned, trying to be more quiet, leaning back onto his waist, your hands supporting you there.

“No keep talking, lemme know what went wrong with your day angel.” he said putting you back onto his face.

“W-well, ahh, my bos-s made me-nggh, re-edo the who-le project… by mysel-lf” you got out, a few moans escaping here and there.

“By yourself?” he sated giving you a break. “Oh no baby.” he genuinely said, wrapping his lips around it once again. He was working magic beneath you making you feel weightless, taking the stress out of your body, making you feel oh so good.

“You're so lucky you've got a man like me huh?” he cooed, you feeling the smirk he had in between your legs. 

“Yeah,” you stated, voice shaky, not one trace of a lie being hidden. “yeah i am.”

-Kotaro Bokuto

Virgin!Bo!!! 

Baby boy is so nervous, never doing this before in his life, only using his fist and incredibly active mind.

But it's okay you’ll guide him through it, like to good gf you are.

He loves- no needs praise.

Moan out how good he's doing while grabbing his hair

That'll set something off in him, turning him into a whole different man between your legs

Making him grab and suck the life out of you, leaving tons of hickies and marks on your thighs

Good luck getting away from it once you've started it

-

“Am I doing it good?” he asked, voice muffled by your pussy, sitting on the floor between your legs as you rested on the bed.

“Yeah. fuck baby. You're doing so good, being such a good boy.” You praised not lying once. Fuck he was good. After all that time building up to this, him shying away because he was scared, not wanting to disappoint you.  

He looked up at you for approval; noticing this you let yourself go, not holding back any moans or sounds that wanted to escape your body, wanting him to know that he was doing such a good job. The bite marks, bruises and hickeys, along with your dripping wet cunt, being visible proof.

“fuck y/n” he groaned, being in distress, not knowing what to do, whether to take care of his hard cock or keep all his attention on you. 

He chose the latter, wanting to be your good boy, loving how hard you pulled his hair, and moaned his name. 

He continued making you cum another time before completely pausing himself, realizing what he'd just done.

“Hmm, what wrong baby?” you quickly said noticing his state, not caring about the pleasure anymore, just waiting to make sure your boyfriend was okay.

He didn't say anything but you noticed the blush on his cheeks, and the ruffled look on his face. Your eyes scanned down until you saw what the problem was.

“Aww baby, did you cum? Because of me!? How cute.” you giggled taking him his large frame into your arms, him letting you not waiting to be seen right now. It made your heart race that he go this worked up over you, the fact that calling hi a good boy sent him over the edge.

He was so embarrassed, wanting to hide in your chest forever, hoping that this was just a dream and not real. “Ko- look at me.” you said pulling dragging him out of your chest, him missing the warm comforting feeling of your boobs.

“Don't be embarrassed, that was hot.” you said assuring him that it was in fact not something to be ashamed of but instead embrace.

“C'mere “ you said, jestering him to sit on the bed, already getting on your knees. “Lemme show you how hot that was.”

© all content belongs to spikesbimbo. do not alter or repost .

[deleteddewewted]

Incel!Shinsou Oneshot: Mommy Issues

Minors DNI

HEADS UP:

This is very dark.

"Mom, I'll be quiet. It would be just to sleep at night. And I'll leave once I figure out. How to pay for my own life too" - (Class of 2013 by Mitski)

TW: Sexual Assault (graphic), Non-con (Is this different then SS? Can someone please tell me, i'm not sure), Victim Blaming, Some Sexism, Pedophilia, Stalking, Blood, Gore, Trauma Blaming, Self Harm, Survivors Guilt, Minor Dependency, Minor Trauma Dumping.

Since the day Maya was born she has been set to work for what she wanted. High expectations were already set in stone for her and so was her future. She had to do the things other wanted for her instead of what would make her happy. At 6 she found out that there were kids just like her that didn’t fit and didn't want what their parents wanted for them. A crying boy with ginger hair that was pushed to the ground by a pair of bullies had caught her interest. He was taller then her but somehow he was toppled by the other kids. They said mean words to him and kicked him while he was down. Mayas dad always told her that if someone was being hurt that she should do something to stop it. People didn't just hurt people because it was fun, there was always a reason. In her mind there had to be one. She stepped into the space and hit the bullies, then moved in front of the taller boy to protect him. She didn't care that she was getting hit, as long as the other kid was fine she was fine. She threw a good punch and caused one of the bullies to start to cry. The other bullies grew worried and left Maya and the boy alone.

"W-why d-did y-ou he-lp m-me?" The ginger cried. He folded into himself, as if expecting Maya to hurt him.

"Because they were being mean to you." Maya give out her hand to the ginger.

"Im Maya! Whats your name?"

"N-Noah." The boy found a friend in her and both became less lonely after that day. When she reached 10, she realized that no matter how much drive you could have, it could easily be snuffed out by a conscious decision. In her case, it was a knife that took her dad away from her and her family. The blaring alarms and blinding lights of the first reconsiders couldn't provide the comfort that her parents once offered. Her mother was tasked with taking away her husbands own corpse and to explain what death was to a 10 year old Maya and her 4 year old son. She couldn't reach out to her mom for comfort, the woman was distressed and drowning herself in work to hide from the world. Her older brothers, Alec and Zeke, were no good. The two of them making their own lives and all of sudden needing to stop them to properly mourn their dad, it didn't feel right for her to look for them either. Noah was the only one she could go to.

"Im scared. I dont- i dont want to sleep on my bed." Maya hid inside her closet as Noah crouched outside of it trying to cox her out.

"B-but you'll sleep-p wrong and h-urt your back." The ginger stuttered out. Maya couldn't be coxed out of her hiding spot so instead the boy took the blankets and pillows from the bed to the closet.

"Here, w-we can m-ake a bed." He accommodated everything inside the small space and threw the blanket on Maya to keep her warm. Noah quickly got up again and grabbed two more things from on top of the bed.

"Here. P-please m-ove." Noah sat himself next to Maya and handed her a bear plushy. Noah had a wolf one in his own hands and pulled Maya's head to rest on his shoulder.

"S-sleep. I'm h-here t-o help y-you." He stuttered out. Maya and Noah had shared a lot of there childhood together. All of the pains and all of the fears they had were for each other to balance out together. Noah stayed at hers to stay away from his abusive parent while Maya went to him to escape her extended families constant nagging. It was only natural for them both to find each other for comfort.

It was at 13 when she realized that no matter what she did, she was never going to be the person her family wanted her to become. Her goals were within the arts, not military or STEM bound. She wouldn’t bother with the "traditions" and wouldn't wear what a "modest girl" would wear. She had enough and she was ready to leave everything behind her for a better life. Even if that meant leaving the few positive people in her life behind as well. When she first got to UA she couldn't believe the chance she got at just 17 years old and ready to work along side people a year a head of her, Maya was ready to prove herself to everyone around her. She was always casted for the villain role, it was exhausting to be seen as a one trick pony. But she was stubborn, she's her fathers and mathers daughter. Her father never rested til he had the world to give to his family and her mother never backed down till she got the best results for her patient's. Her family was her model so she wasn't going to disappoint them by allowing herself to be boxed into a singular label.

"Maya, what role would you like to audition for?" That was the first time she was ever asked what she wanted acting wise. Everything in her life was dictated for her, so to all of a sudden being given a choice was something she didn't want to give up. Maya did great in all of her roles. She was given more freedom as time went by and everyone began to develop a fondness for the youngest member of the class. Some in the other hand would push it. She felt like she was watched every time she took a breath, the outside of her apartment was stuffy even when there was no one and nothing there. Fear wasn't an emotion she was used to in her life, so to feel it every day just because had started to really affect her. Her characters came off more realistic but at the cost of her own sanity. The one day she decided to leave towards campus early in the morning, without Noah by her side, became a grave mistake.

Maya found herself tied down to a medical table as a man with light brown eyes, appearing yellow in the lighting, walked over to her. He didn't addressed her but he did focus on her naked body. He moved his hands over her legs and to her stomach, pressing down on it as if to test its texture.

"Pretty skin," The man turned to look at the frightened girl directly in the eyes. "And an even prettier face. Wonder what i could do with you, doll." He walked away from the girl and searched for something that was out of her sight. Maya shook in fear, the table was cold and the straps over her body wouldn't allow her to move around. She was gagged but even then she could make some muffled noises. She was shouting out pleas of mercy to the man to let her go.

"Aww, well. That will take off points on the obedience factor. Men don't like little girls who scream for nothing." He came up to her and grabbed her face, directing her to stare at him.

"You're such a pretty little thing you know?" He waved around a scalpel and pressed it lightly on her face, gently dragging it so she could feel it. Maya tried moving away put the grip was strong, she could only whimper out a muffled plea. Tears began to accumulate in her eyes, she wanted to get away, to be able to do something.

"PMMMMPH- MMMMPH!" The man rolled his eyes and walked his unused hand towards the girls breast, squeezing one of them and moving the scalpel down towards her stomach.

"Bad little girl." The man plunged the scalpel into Mayas side.

"MMMMHHHHHHHH!" It hurt, a lot. It only got worse when she tried to move away. Tears bubbled into her eyes and all she could do was look at the man.

"It'll stop hurting if you just listened to what i have to say. Good little girls are quiet." He pulled out the scalpel and and took his hands off of her breast, then placing it on top of her stomach and gently massaging it.

"HHhhhhh- hmmhhhh." Maya calmed down her breathing and continued to breath in and out as a distraction from the pain. If she played her cards right, he would let her go. Right? If she listened to him, she would be fine. Right?

"Good girl!" He rewarded her by leaning down and pressing his lips on to her forehead. Would have been a nice gesture if he was her age and if she knew him.

"Why don't i show you what you've earned? Good little girls get prizes for listening." He moved on top of her, placing the scalpel next to her face on the table. Maya could feel the mans body heat coming off of him, it made her feel disgusted. He was radiating heat. She remembered how her dad once said, " To have heat was safety and to be cold was alertness," She stared at the man on top of her, watching him undress himself and take off his belt. "As long as you can stay alert, you'll be fine sweetie." In that moment, Maya hoped that she wouldn't. She didn't want to feel anything or see what the man would do to her. She honestly hoped that he would kill her.

"I'm sorry dad."

"You're so pretty like this. Ooooh, i cant wait to mark you my dear."

"I can't keep alert."

"God, look at you. You really want to be taken care of."

"I couldn't save myself."

"Aaaaooooh, so tight. What a good little girl you are."

"Dad! Please help me!"

"Aoooogh, ooooh so good!"

"Please kill me! Please! Please! Save me me please!"

"Fuck ahhhh, so tight"

"Please! Kill me! Kill me, kill me, kill me!"

"Does my good little girl wan't more? Hhmm. You wan't more? You wan't me to stuff you?"

"Please! MOM! DAD! ZEKE! SOMEONE PLEASEEEE!"

"What a little slut you are. Filled you up so well."

"WHY! PLEASE STOP! PLEASE END IT!"

"Awww, look at you. You're such a good little girl."

Maya couldn't remember when she went missing nor remember how long she's been in this place. The man would come into the room periodically to have fun with her and would leave with blood on himself. Maya would come in and out of it, not fully understanding what was happening since at some point she lost sensation. All she knew was that her arm was beyond recovery and her body hated the feeling in between her legs. Her arm, specifically her left, had gone numb before her other limbs. She made the mistake to look at it at the 7th go around with the man. Her arm was bloodied, scar wounds decorating it in a morbid "masterpiece" of destruction. Flesh was standing up looking puffy with an infection most likely starting to settle in . Nothing in or out of her body felt right, the need to vomit increasing with each session of torment that the man brought on to her.

"H-hey. M-aya?" The girl closed her eyes and opened them slowly, the light above her having blinded her. It was the only clean thing in the room that she could tolerate to stare at.

"M-m-maya." Maya turned her head to the voice. She was greeted by the sight of a man smiling back at her. It wasn't cruel like the other mans, if anything this one was more concerned.

"Noah."

"Maya." She gave him a weak smile, her body already giving out on her. Noah was the boy she defended all those years ago. The kid who got picked on for his stutter and his tics. Since the day they met she was the one helping him. She would get picked on for it but she didn't care. Noah was her best friend, the only other kid that was like her. They both graduated early and made the decisions to study in Japan, to get away from everyone who knew them. She was glad that he was here but she quickly snapped out of her happy trance.

"What are you doing here?" Noah's smile widened a little but it still shook around the edges.

"I'm-m he-re to save y-you." "Just like you saved me"

Maya's condition didn't improve once she got out of her captors place. The authorities couldn't find the man and they also couldn't launch an investigation. There was "little evidence", so the rape kit was useless as well as the hours of interrogation she was subjected to the moment she was saved. Thankfully Maya didn't become pregnant, but even then she sustained major injuries on her left arm. Long scars that were very sensitive for normal day to day clothing. She was very much conscious when they stitched her arm up. The nurses had asked if she wanted any pain killers or some numbing cream on her arm so it wouldn't hurt, but she was honestly tired and her brain wouldn't process everything that was happening in her surroundings despite being awake. The doctor said it was shock, the nurses also mentioned she suffered from 3 separate panic attacks since they found her. Her left arm was an ugly mess, she didn't really care.

A close friend she and Noah made in japan, Tomosuke, had offered her a place to stay at his families estate. The concern was that she might enter into a state of heavy depression that would lead to her hurting herself.

"I know you're a bit...uncomfortable around people and the last thing you'll want right now is to be pressured- so don't feel pressure! I just wanted to umm- if you want, it's an offer." Maya honestly didn't wan't to accept. It wasn't that she didn't feel safe around him, she just didn't want to be a burden for his family.

"Thanks but no-"

"I'm lying a little. Mom wants you to stay with us." Maya didn't fight Tomosuke on it. She didn't feel like arguing with anyone, the physical therapy for her damaged arm was her main priority and so was her studies.

Mania wasn't uncommon for people who suffered from high stress situations nor those who lacked sleep. It just wasn't great when you had both. Maya didn't understand why so many people were over her, or why so many people were speaking at the same time. Her left arm did feel weird but she couldn't place a finger as to why.

"Aya-no-plea-Ma." It would take a few hours before she understood what was happening, to say she wasn't fine was another thing entirely. She woke up to the sight of Tomosuke and his family around her. Her left arm was covered in bandages after having 2 weeks of healing. She remembered bits in pieces of what happened. She found something sharp and decided to dig at herself. That would explain the stains on her skin and the dried blood under her finger nails. When the nurse came in to change her bandages she on her fresh stitches, she was finally able to see the full extent of her episode. The wounds were a deep red, organized in a manner that resembled petals and leaves. Flowers. Maya couldn't help but smile a little.

"Pretty..." Was all she muttered as the nurse cleaned her up.

The new school year was going began soon and Shinsou couldn't wait to get started on his Uni experience. He got into UA but in the general studies course. Great. When he finally established his summer school schedule, his extra curricular course assigned him to an upperclassman in the art course. He thought that the guy would probably teach him something useful, maybe a new technique or style. What he didn't expect was a woman that was the same age as him.

"Who the fuck are you?" Shinsou snarled.

"I'm your upperclassman. Let's go." The black haired woman turned her back to him and started to walk away from him.

"The fuck? I'm not a dog!" The woman just tilted her head and addressed him without looking back at him, never stopping her walking.

"Well you're going to be one if you want to learn anything!" Shinsou clearly wasn't happy about the situation but the woman was saying the truth. If he didn't listen or follow her, he wasn't going to learn anything. He swallow his bitter pride and followed his upperclassman. She brought him up to the companies doors and blocked Shinsou from trying to open them.

"What's your name?" The woman addressed him.

"Shut up, i'm here for the company. Not fucking small talk with some snoozy bitch who thinks she has the right to talk down to me." She was testing his patience. The comments clearly didn't affect her, if anything she just smirked at him and once they made eye contact Shinou's blood was already a boiling inferno.

"I'm your mentor today, you either listen or you leave. I'm not going to waste my time helping some asshole how thinks he's better than me. I'm not your fucking mommy who you can be a brat with. Got it?" Shinsou couldn't argue with that. This was his opportunity to show off what he could do. He couldn't waste it even if the woman irritated him.

"Shinsou-"

"First name."

"Auggh! Hitoshi!"

"Nice meeting you Hitoshi. Can't wait to help you improve." The woman opened the door for him, which really irked him, and follow him inside. They went up to her mentors office and waited for him to arrive.

"Why do you want to go into acting?"

"Why do you care?" The woman laughed at him.

"Hahahahahaha. You're funny. So let me make this clear for you." The woman's relaxed demeanor changed in an instant. Her body now tense and her gaze fixed on him.

"Like i told you, i'm not wasting my time on you if you can't listen." She got up from the couch she was sat on and walked in front of him. She stood her ground, not even the smell pouring off of Shinsou made her back up.

"You're not anything special, Hitoshi. You're just another person with a dream and wish that's blindly following what others say and do." She leaned closer to him.

"You aren't unique and my job is to prevent you from becoming that bumbling idiot but instead someone who will get to reach that dream." Shinsou didn't understand why she was "motivating" him but it was a bit reassuring to know she didn't hate him, at least not blatantly.

"Why bother to help me?"

"Because," The woman smiled up at him. "I wan't to live in a world where people like us get to fulfill our dreams no matter what they might be!" She backed away from him as the door to the office opened. A man in a black suit wearing a matching face mask walked in to great them both.

"Oh, by the way. I'm Maya Grim." The woman laughed again and directed him to her mentor. She looked pretty happy to introduce him.

Shinsou was always on the literal edge with Maya, she wouldn't let him fuck around or even step on her. If anything, she did all of the stepping on. She wasn't cruel to him, no, it was a weird mix of gently but forward. Kind of like his dad but again, she was kind bit more vulgar and harsh.

"Don't do that shit. Push it all out and swallow."

"The fuck does that mean?"

"It means your expressions are trash. Put some fear in your eyes, would you?" She shook her head at him as he began his scene again. Every time he did something wrong she would give him corrections on his form or speech and every time he did well she would give him praise. The praise is what made something in him feel warm. It was a gentle feeling with so much on top of it, he didn’t know how to deal with it. He liked it.

“Good job Hitoshi. How about a little bit more emphasis on that “now”, ok?”

“Sure.” He felt giddy. Maya wasn’t just a great teacher but a good lead. He was exited, not in that way, like how a kid would get when given a new toy. His little 5 year old self would have loved to been friends with Maya if they’d ever met. He could practically see himself being pulled and dragged around by the tan skinned girl, encouraging him to play with her and her friends. He went over his lines again, adding the emphasis that Maya had suggested. The words came out more impactful, meaningful. They made sense instead of coming out confused and dull.

“I think that’s enough for today. Go take a break at Yuka’s office.” The happy feeling left Shinsou for a moment, an odd dread replacing it at the words Maya spoke.

“Where are you going?” Maya continued organizing the papers and and didn’t bother to look at him.

“Oh, I’m just going to talk to my other mentor. She’s in the writers room right now. I’m gonna go wait for her.” Shinsou didn’t like the idea of Maya leaving him. He doesn’t understand why it makes a knot in him form or why it made him feel the same way he used to feel when his dad would leave him home alone to work long hours at the hospital. Maybe this was the mind games that his friends kept saying that women play on men. The sweet feeling became sour and Shinsou decided to question the entire day.

"Hmm." Maya didn't take offense whatsoever to the lack of response she received. If anything, she laughed at Shinsou's change in behavior. Almost like she knew what was going on in his head.

"Wow, so cold Lavanda. I'll be back soon, don't worry about it." Maya left him alone in the room and Shinsou felt a bit lost without her there. He really didn't know why he felt so betrayed.

Maya in the other hand wanted to get away. The shadowing student had the same expression as the man.

"No, don't think about that. It's in the past." She couldn't help but see the every men she met as...him. Tomosuke was the exception to the fear. After all, he was always very gentle around her and he had two sisters who he would have with Maya at all times. She felt safe with him, everyone else was an unknown danger. A bomb ready to explode if she wasn't constantly paranoid. When the day ended Maya traded numbers with Shinsou and advised him to text her if he had any questions regarding his script work.

The relationship between them "improved" you could say. Shinsou still held hostility towards her from time to time, but it slowly calmed down the more they worked together. Maya wasn't big in wanting to change people but she had to get Shinsou some healthy habits, such as showering. He threw a fit the first time she told him to take a shower. He quickly shut up when she explained to him that, "No one is going to want to contract you or audition you if you smell like corpse that was pissed on by a wild dog holding a bladder infection and chronic diarrhea." Very color language and vivid imagination that the shorter of the two had. He agreed to a military shower but no "girly shit", so no shampoo or conditioner.

"You're an actual heathen, you fucking troll doll."

"Aren't girls supposed to be submissive?"

"Aren't men not supposed to bitch, Shinsou?" Her tone change was fantastically clean and the added addition of his surname made the hair on the back of his neck stand up. She was definitely a woman. A woman you could win against because she'll step on your ego and destroy it. Shinsou was the type to play with fire, so he clearly knew that any normal person would respect boundaries and private events one goes threw. But he couldn't, something sadistic inside of him wanted to see Maya crack. Break. So he planned, and planned, and planned what he would do to make the feelings go away.

"You understand, right?" Maya sat threw Shinsou's crying and talking about how he got bullied as a child. Honestly, this didn't help her calm her racing heart down. He knew that she had trouble sleeping, shit, if he had horrible eye bags then Mayas were designers. She woke up from a nightmare to her phone ringing on her nightstand. She had her own room in Tomosuke's house, his mother being very insistent to fill it with things that made her happy. Plushies lined the walls as well as pictures of Tomosuke and his family that she took with them during her first year at UA. They made her happy but even that couldn't help her heart come back to a natural rhythm but Shinsou's sniffling and wailing made the tightness in her chest worse.

"That sounds harsh Hitoshi, ummm but don't you think you should talk with someone who knows how to help process traum-"

"I DON'T HAVE TRAUMA!" What a brat, honestly. Maya wasn't feeling good. Her head and stomach begging her to end the conversation and to go puke. Mouth growing dry and limbs shaking with each passing second she had to tolerate Shinsou's crying.

"Hitoshi, you can't-," Maya sighed. "You're clearly not ok, man. You can't deflect your problems. If you called me to vent, fuck off. I just met you and i'm not your friend, i'm your upperclassman." She didn't mean to come off as rude or cruel but she was desperate. Her own heart feeling like it was going to stop soon because of how hard and fast it was pumping. She wanted this all to end, she couldn't breath and she couldn't stop the fucking incisive shaking her limbs couldn't shake off.

"YOU STUPID BITCH! YOU FUCKING WHORE! YOU'RE LUCKY THAT I EVEN CONSIDERED WASTING MY TIME ON YOU!" Shinsou went off on her, no clue that Maya had slowly drifted into a state of derealization. She thought of all the things the man said to her. The comments on her voice and body coming back in waves which caused her to hiccup. Great, another panic attack. But this one was different than the other ones. She scratched at herself, her hand coming onto her throat and squeezing it without meaning to. She had no idea why she was doing this but it felt nice to feel like nothing at the moment. She felt like her body wasn't her own but she instead was watching some poor soul suffer because another poor should couldn't figure out the solution to their problems.

"YOU DON'T FUCKING KNOW SHIT! NO WONDER YOU GOT FUCKED! YOU DESERVED IT! EVERYTHING THAT THE SICK FUCK DID! YOU THINK YOU'RE HOT SHIT BECAUSE YOU HAVE A STUPID ASS TITLE?! YOUR AREN'T SHIT!" He kept going and going. Maya wasn't really listening anymore, her focus now on trying to breath while she continued to hiccup and choke on her own tears. Shinsou wouldn't stop.

"Ok, i get it! I deserved it! I deserved to be raped and used like a fucking toy! I deserved to be cut open like a pig! I deserved it, i deserved it! SHUT THE FUCK UP!" She began to choke on her own saliva and tears. At some point the call ended and Tomosuke and his family came running into her room. She cried into his chest and begged for forgiveness. Nozomi, Tomosuke's mother, sat down next to her and pulled her into a hug.

"It's ok, everything's fine. Breath for me, ok?" Nozomi's brother came into the room from his place at the bedrooms door.

"Should i call her mother?"

"Yeah, you should. I think she needs a close relative right now." That night Maya fell asleep to her older brothers and her moms voice threw the phones speaker, Tomosuke and his sisters laying next to her acting as a type of barrier. Nozomi and Eric, Nozomis brother, sat inside of the room awake, keeping guard on the 4 young adults. This wasn't un-normal for them. Maya came to them having major physical trauma and mental anguish. Nozomi who had experienced the traumatic loss of her life partner made it her mission to make sure that the young girl felt safe during her stay with them.

"Like Aiko, isn't she?" Eric spoke to his sister. Nozomi moved her eyes towards her brother and directed them back onto the kids.

"Maya needs a safer environment. I understand that she's trying to fill up her time with things to do to prevent the feelings from coming back, but she's hurting herself. Her mother said that i have permission to intervene."

"So what will we do?" Nozomi smiled lightly to her brother.

"Adopting another child Eric?"

"She's a kid, she might be considered an adult at 18, but just because she's considered one doesn't mean she is. It's not like she magically knows what to do. We," Eric waved his hand back and forward from himself toward Nozomi, "Are to help guide her. Adults hold that responsibility, i didn't know what i was doing taking care of children at her age. I did what felt right because my kids had nothing other than me." Nozomi remembered how her brother would stay up late at night to make sure the two kids he adopted wouldn't get scared when they woke up from a nightmare in their bedroom. No matter how harsh he looked, Eric had a heart of gold.

"I know. That's why i want to get Yuka to agree with me to cut down on the work study hours she gets. I want her to continue to have something she loves but i also can't have her working herself rag." Nozomi and Eric both agreed on what was laid out.

The next day marked the beginning of the weekend and Maya wanted to get out of the house for a while. She walked out of Tomosuke's place around early morning with Nozomi's and Eric's permission. She's been making this trip since mid summer, it was always the same purpose and always the same place. The walk to the place was nice, the air had a bite early in the morning and the sun was yet to reach it's full potency. She wore her usual clothing, the leather jacket that belonged to her father, the only new skirt in her closet, and the long over the knee boots to help cover up some of the scarring from the...incident.

The cemetery was really pretty that day, it always was. Clean and peaceful as it should be for the place they layed the dead to rest. She walked deep into the cemetery, a special area where Nozomi's family was buried, specifically her "clan". Clan wasn't necessarily blood relatives, but it was people who were close to her and agreed to be apart of her family. Maya joined the clan after the incident in order for the Japanese authorities from taking her away from them. She finally reached the spot she would visit. The grave that at its foot had an imprint of her shoes marked in the soil. The grave was still new and the grass had just reached a respectful height.

Noah.

Her childhood best friend laid under, sleeping eternally in a quiet peace. She couldn't leave him be. She felt guilty for that. She would spend hours speaking to the grave waiting in certain parts in the conversation as if waiting for him to answer.

"I know i shouldn't be doing this. This isn't helping me move on." Maya drew in a large breath and sighed. Tears slowly falling out of her eyes, warm and heavy on her skin.

"But i can't stop....i love you." She started to cry heavily.

"I loved you and love you so much. And it sucks that i'm so needy and selfish." She turned her face to look straight to the floor.

"But i love you....and i miss you...." Maya's voice cut off at the end. She couldn't continue speaking. It honestly took everything in her to prevent herself from falling forward.

When she finished her conversation and said her goodbyes to her friend, she turned to walk out of the private area of the cemetery. As she walked out, she saw a man in loose clothing with long black hair. He stood in front of a grave and just stared at it, no words being uttered or seeking for comfort. When she passed by him she looked at the name engrave in the tombstone:

Oboro Shirakumo.

It wasn't a name she was familiar with. The man in black was also a stranger to her but apparently she wasn't to him. He turned around to see the person walking past him and ended up stretching out his arm and spoke to her.

"Oh, hey. How have you been? Is your arm still giving you trouble?" Maya didn't recognize him at all but she did take in his appearance now that they were face to face. He had a bit of a beard going on and looked like he hadn't slept well in some time.

"Sorry, i don't recognize you sir." The man only nodded.

"Yeah, didn't really think you would. You were pretty out of it when you came into the hospital." Maya tilted her head to the side in confusion.

"I was one of the nurses that took care of you when...they found you." That night came back to Maya. She was half conscious and her body was destroyed from all of the abuse it sustained. Her abuser had a weird way of inducing her torment, he mostly focused on her left side and nearly ignored the right. She guessed that his right hand was most dominant and considering the positioning he was in, it was just easier for him to focus on one side of her body.

“I was assigned to keep watch over you when you were in our care.”

“Oh, I see. Uh, well thanks.” The man only nodded his head again and turned around to face the tombstone, practically ending the conversation. Maya left him on his own and exited the cemetery. The man took in a deep breath and exiled, he was trying to calm down his nerves.

"She's a bit like you Oboro."

Tags List: @blossominglark @plusultra2dwhore@eleventhdoctorsangel @sabitosthirst @memeingcheetah27

[sebyplay]

pov: max woke up from her coma after many years and finds out what happened to her lovers.

Max wake up already, nancy,robin and steve are guiding her, they immidietly went to her sides when max said: is anybody here...? she expect to hear and feel el and lucas first but there not there, she felt a little sad but happy to hear the three babysitter is there on her side robin rush to call a nurse or a doctor and steve called everyone "saying shes awake! shes awake"

nancy: im so glad your awake max.

max: so am i, im happy im back.

tears starting to fall in there eyes as steve came up to her holding her hand saying:

steve crying: im sorry i wasnt there for you max when it all happen maybe if i was-

max cutting him off: its okay steve, it wasnt your fault, its done.

they all smile and a minute later everyone came and they all hug max and max hug them back gently...

mike: im glad your awake and so does everybody here. *he smiled*

max: i might be blind but i do know its you mike, and i could tell your still look like cr@p

mike: HEY!

joyce: hey, no fighting today.

mike and max: yes, sorry ma'am.

max laugh and everybody, after 2 hours of having fun max finally ask what she always want to,

max: umh guys...

everyone look at her and said "yeah, you need anything?" max take a long sigh and ask: wheres el and lucas? after asking that question nancy,robin,steve,joyce, hopper, dustin,erika,mike,will, and jonathan went completly silent, max got confuse why everybody shut up, max laugh a little saying: why did you guys suddenly shut up? hopper left a sigh and said: she deserve to know the whole truth, will. max is now worried and confuse: what truth…?

will: max... el died 2 years ago...

as soon as the word drop on will mouth max smile fade away... tears falling down on her eyes, the room suddenly felt cold out of knowhere and a loud silent fill the room quikly,

max: w- what.....?

mike: its true max, you have been in a coma for 4 years, she died at 1988 its now 1990

hopper and joyce: im sorry max you have to find out in this way....

max already have tears on her eyes,body is shaking and her voice sound breaking: w-what a-about lucas? is he okay?

erika: max... he run away 2 years ago after the incident, he blame himself for not protecting el, the guilt eat him up fast that he left the country and no one ever seen him again...

dustin: in short max... we dont know where is he or if his still alive.

max: w-what d-do you mean "not sure of being alive"

steve: theres a news that a teenage boy died by drowning in a lake 9 months ago and all the detail of the person that died match him perfectly...

max world completly fell and her heart stop beating for a second and she couldnt breath properly its like she couldnt feel her whole self, its like she became numb... max had a complete breakdown and cried but luckily nancy is there to hold and hug her, max crying alot on nance shoulder.

robin: if it helps, they left a tape for you max... they said give it to you when you finally wake up, here.....

[sgtjbbhasmyheart]

Drunk Texting Is(n’t) Bad for Your Health- Chapter Two

Series Summary: Talk about your unconventional meet-cute! Bucky receives a text by mistake requesting he prove he's not Reader's sister. The easy dialogue between Reader and Bucky sparks a natural friendship, but could it lead to more? Bucky still deems himself unworthy of any form of affection or love. Reader is hellbent to prove him wrong. With the help of some (meddling) friends along the way, Bucky may get his happily-ever-after after all.

Pairing: Bucky Barnes x Reader

Word count: 2921

Warnings: bad language words, blink and you’ll miss the angst, just some fluff

A/N: divider credit- @firefly-graphics

DO NOT copy or replicate without my permission

You awoke with a start, feeling as if you were late for work or something important and forgot to set your alarm. Your heart beat an erratic tattoo against your ribcage. Scrambling for your cell phone, you blindly reached across the side table near your bed in a panic. Unplugging the phone, you brought the device an ungodly closeness to your face. It was only 6:17. On Saturday.

Your pulse throbbed behind your eyeballs, and a strange stickiness coated the inside of your mouth. Did you drink that much last night?

How could you not? Timmons was a fair boss, and you enjoyed your job, but that dude loved the sound of his own voice.

The quarterly business dinners were mandatory for all employees, even for the P.A.s. Typically, they weren’t so bad, but last night, Timmons felt the need to toot his own horn for landing a massive contract with Stark Industries slash The Avengers. He went on and on about how great it was for the firm.

He was like a giant kid in a candy store with his ramblings. ‘We will be promoting the face of The Avengers and everything that goes with it,’ he spouted off like the firm was god’s gift to public relations.

You groaned at the reminder of last night’s presentation. The contract wasn’t even in effect yet, and you were sick of the Earth’s Mightiest Heroes. Timmons could be a real buzz kill.

Rolling to your back, you brought your phone up to tap the screen to read the emails you received overnight. On display was a text from 11:04 by someone named James. It read: “Goodnight, (Y/N).”

Your mind went back to last night again, trying to recall who this James was. He must be significant if you plugged his contact information into your phone already. Had you met someone last night?

Drawing a blank, you clicked on the text bubble to pull up the thread. Briefly scanning through the numerous texts, everything came rushing back. In an attempt to text your sister, Robyn, you mistakenly texted this mysterious, James.

You felt like an utter buffoon when you learned he wasn’t Robyn. You always did have a way with the cute boys. Probably why you were single. You groaned out loud as you read on.

You im safely inside my apartment. Pretty sure no one followed me home

James Did you triple check the lock on the front door?

You yes dad yeesh

James There are a lot of bad people out there. Just want to make sure you’re safe.

You sounds like you watch the news too much but its sweet of u to care

James I know from experience.

You r u the bad guy or have u been the one mugged?

James Let’s just say I have friends that have dealt with the bad things of the world.

You right i almost forgot ur a military-trained assassin athlete mchottie

James Did you ever send your sister a text?

You shit thanks for reminding me i have such a crazy story to tell her

James Only good things, I hope.

You oh yeah all the good things an enigmatic yet handsome stranger cares more about my safety than any of my ex-boyfriends ever did.

James My ma raised me right.

You id say

James_ I hate to cut this short, but I think you need your rest. Especially if you’re meeting your sister tomorrow._

You i dont want to agree but ur probably right

You whats ur name btw?

James My name? Why? Do you plan to continue texting me after tonight?

You duh ur fun to talk to

James Oh.

You or not its cool if u dont want to

James It’s James.

You nice to meet u james im (y/n)

James Nice to meet you as well.

You my sister just texted me back and were still meeting at 9 i should go 

You goodnite james

James Goodnight, (Y/N).

Oh. My. God. Had you seriously drunk-flirted with a stranger and offered to keep texting him? You had no shame with a few drinks in you.

You brought a hand up to pinch the bridge of your nose and sighed loudly.

What did you know of this James? He had a New York area phone number. Check. He could have been a real dick about your mistake but wasn’t. Understanding. Check. He worried about you getting home safely in your inebriated state. Caring. Check. Not too forthcoming with the nine to five. Secretive. Check. His mouth looked so soft and plush, and his eyes were made to drown in. Gorgeous. Check.

A heat simmered beneath your skin as you recounted the shortlist you’d made. Were you lusting over someone you’d exchanged less than forty texts with? Had you somehow woken back up in high school?

Shaking your head to clear your thoughts, you stared at the screen displaying the message thread. Were you really considering this? You nodded your head to answer your own question. Where was the harm in a little shameless flirting? If worse came to worst, you could always block him.

With your mind made up, you began typing into your phone, constructing an apology.

You Good morning! First off, I want to apologize for the way I behaved over text last night.

You Though, I do like to imbibe in the occasional drink or two, I am, by no means, a lush.

You Please take everything I said with a grain of salt. Apparently, I get loose-lipped and cheeky with free wine. 😐

You Again, I’m sorry and understand if you wanted to cease our correspondence for my behavior.

You blew out a breath and tossed your phone aside. It was up to fate now and a stranger named James.

You laid in your bed for several minutes staring at the ceiling, contemplating between whether to send a ‘haha just kidding’ text and what the weather would be like, so you could forego shaving your legs in the shower today.

Your phone chimed during the pondering of hair removal, indicating a new text. You knew it was James proclaiming you a freak and to forget his number, but secretly, you hoped it was Robyn canceling today.

Seizing the phone from your mattress top, your heart’s beat increased with each second you went without looking at the screen. Finding the courage, you flipped the device over to read the message.

James Quite the formal apology, Ms. Professor.

You smiled at the text. It didn’t tell you to pound sand or eat shit. No, it was teasing and in jest. You sighed in relief.

You Cease our correspondence too much?

James No, no it was perfect if this was 1863, and you were breaking up with me via telegraph.

You Stop!

James Exactly! ‘Never speak to me again!’ Stop. ‘It’s not you, it’s me.’ Stop.

A belly laugh disrupted the tranquil air of your bedroom. You quickly thumbed out a reply once you caught your breath.

You You’re incorrigible.

James I’m glad to see you are using proper capitalization and punctuation this morning.

You Ha!

You When you are buzzed and/or tipsy, capitals and periods be damned. Like you’re so perfect when you’re drunk.

James We all have our flaws.

Was he implying he was a sloppy texter when drunk, too? You shrugged it off as him being cryptic again.

You What are you doing up so early on a Saturday? I didn’t wake you, did I?

You were suddenly stricken with guilt. You should have waited for a more reasonable hour to send out rapid-fire apology texts. Not at 6:36 in the morning. You didn’t want last night’s behavior hanging over you, though. Better to clear the air now than later. You could always ask for forgiveness again if you had disturbed his sleep.

James I had just gotten back from my run when I saw your texts. I have training this morning.

You Oh, right. For your hush-hush, super top secret mission/quidditch game.

You You ever gonna tell me what you really do?

James_ Maybe. Someday._

How far away was someday? Was he planning to text you until you both died or until he got bored? How did texting relationships even work?

You Or is it one of those situations where if you told me you’d have to kill me?

James 😈

You There you go again--being all mysterious.

James Keep ‘em guessing and coming back for more.

You Has that strategy worked well for you in the past?

James Got you to text me again this morning, didn’t it?

You scoffed at what he had suggested. He was correct, but your stubborn streak would deny everything.

You The only reason I texted you this morning was to apologize for acting like a drunken fool last night.

And to squash the curiosity burning in your veins. But he didn’t need to know that.

James Oh.

The reply caused you to furrow your brow and your stomach to drop. You regretted not adding more levity to your last text. Of course, it wasn’t the only reason you were drawn to him.

You I appreciate that the selfie you sent wasn’t a dick pic. And you genuinely seemed to care about me getting home safely. Thank you.

You And maybe- a teeny, tiny bit- is honestly interested in getting to know you better.

You waited on pins and needles for his text, watching the pulsing ellipsis on your screen. Was he just humoring you?

James Hook. Line. Sinker.

Reading his response generated a flush from your jaw to your hairline. You growled in embarrassment. You fell for the oldest trick in the book. He baited you for a compassionate answer, and you delivered beautifully. Hook, line, and sinker, indeed.

You You’re an ass. I take everything back.

James Don’t be mad. I wasn’t sure how it was going to go, but you played into my trap wonderfully.

James If it makes you feel any better, all kidding aside, I want to get to know you better too.

James I fell asleep with a smile on my face last night and woke up with one this morning.

James Because of you, (Y/N).

A flutter broke apart in your chest. You hadn’t time-traveled back to high school; no, this was junior high territory.

You You’re lucky you’re so damn charming, James.

James Doll, you have no idea.

The subway ride into Manhattan usually gave you the chance to get a little reading in since it took nearly fifty minutes from Queens. Not today, though. You spent the entirety of the train ride texting back and forth with James. It was mundane stuff, but you were getting a grasp of who James was as a person.

You Favorite color?

James Black. You?

You Blue.

You Favorite ice cream flavor?

James Chocolate. Yours?

You Ben & Jerry’s Cherry Garcia.

James I didn’t realize we were getting specific.

You We weren’t, but that’s my favorite.

You Favorite movie?

James I like the classics- The Wizard of Oz, It’s A Wonderful Life, Frankenstein.

You I have too many to list, so don’t ask.

You Okay. Lightning round because I’m almost to my stop.

James Where are you going again?

You paused your reply for a brief second, wondering if you should divulge your destination. You’d known James less than twenty-four hours; although, it felt like weeks after this morning. Where was the harm in telling him where you were meeting your sister? There were nearly nine million people in this city. There was no way you’d ever bump into each other.

You A bakery in the Upper East Side called Two Little Red Hens. Ever been?

James Don’t think I have.

You Well, since you like chocolate, they have a fantastic cake called Brooklyn Blackout. Super rich but delicious.

James Sounds right up my alley.

You Cats or dogs?

James I’m gone too much, so cats.

The answer piqued your interest. Maybe he was an athlete. Wouldn’t it be practice and not training, though? Or he’s FBI or CIA.

You Socks on or off for sleeping?

James Off.

You Silver or gold?

James Silver.

You Morning, noon, or night?

James Night.

You How do you take your coffee?

James Room for sugar and creamer.

You Boxers or briefs?

James Boxer briefs.

You laughed out loud, looking around the subway car to see if anyone was paying attention to you. Per usual, they weren’t.

You Touché.

As soon as the train stopped, you gathered your purse close to your body and made for the exit. You followed the crowd of fellow passengers through the turnstile and ascended the stairs onto street level.

The morning sunlight caressed your skin like a warm blanket. The humidity wasn’t too bad, yet, but the threat of afternoon thunderstorms still hung in the air.

Even with the reasonably early hour, the sidewalk was stuffed with people, carrying to-go coffee cups or shopping bags. You fought for your little spot of real estate on the grimy concrete.

Stopping at a red traffic light, waiting to cross, you typed out another question for James.

You Pineapple on pizza--yay or nay?

The light changed as you finished, and the throng of pedestrians around you guided you across the street. You spotted Robyn outside the bakery as your phone dinged with a new text alert.

“Wow, I’m surprised you made it on time,” Robyn said as you hugged hello.

You looked at the clock on your phone. 8:58. “You and me both, sister.” Glancing back at your phone’s screen, you giggled.

James What kind of monster puts pineapple on their pizza??

“What’s so funny?” Robyn asked as you accompanied her through the bakery’s door.

With a grin on your face, you punched out a quick reply:

You Well, it was nice knowing you, James. It was a swell friendship while it lasted--a whole 11 ½ hours.

Robyn elbowed you softly in the ribs with a look on her face, seeking an explanation.

“Ow,” you grunted. “What?”

“You tell me. I half expected a zombie to walk through the doors today after your text last night. Not Suzie Sunshine.”

You both edged closer to the counter as the line in front of you dwindled.

James Say it ain’t so, doll! Pineapple on pizza? Really??

You let out a low chortle as you skimmed the text. You glimpsed up at Robyn as you shuffled forward in line again. “Believe me, I’m pretty hungover,” you replied, shoving your phone in your back pocket. “It’s a funny story. I’ll tell you everything when we sit.”

Robyn stared at you warily, still trying to figure out what had come over you. “Okay,” she conceded, stepping to the register to order.

With each of you supplied with an iced coffee and a peach ginger scone, you found an empty table by a window along 2nd Avenue and proceeded to tell Robyn about James.

When you stopped to catch your breath, remembering the whirlwind the last twelve hours had been, you peered at your sister for her reaction.

She stared at you like you’d grown a second head. She shook her head in disbelief. “(Y/N), what where you thinking?”

Your brow pinched in confusion. Was she actually scolding you? You crossed your arms over your chest. “I was thinking about how my big sister is always telling me to meet new people and how it’s time I thought about settling down.”

“Not like this it’s not,” she hissed. “This is how your body parts end up in someone’s freezer!”

You choked on the piece of scone you shoved in your mouth before she started ridiculing you. After coughing to clear your airway and taking a sip of your iced coffee, you leered at Robyn. “Oh, my god! Dramatic much? Have you been binge-watching Dateline again? Jesus Christ, Robyn, he’s harmless,” you countered.

“You think you’ll be so careful, but you’ll let one little detail slip, and he’ll find you,” Robyn said before taking a pull from her coffee.

“You mean, like, how I was meeting you at Two Little Red Hens at nine o’clock?”

Robyn’s mouth popped open in an O. “What the hell, (Y/N)?” she stage-whispered. “Are you trying to get yourself kidnapped and sold into sex trafficking?”

“Please,” you drew out in one long syllable. “He doesn’t know what I look like. How would he snatch me?”

“He could look you up on Facebook.”

“Without a last name?” You shook your head, no.

“What about a reverse search on your number?” Robyn asked, pushing the plate holding her scone away. “That’s a thing.”

“Perhaps, but it seems like a lot of effort for a mistake I made. It wasn’t like he was seeking me or anyone else out.”

Robyn huffed out a breath and folded her arms in exasperation. Always the protective big sister. You could tell you were breaking her down, though.

“C’ mon, Robbie. It’s all in innocent fun. I’m not saying I’m hoping he’ll turn out to be Mr. Right, but the banter is fun,” you remarked. “James is charming and witty and nice to talk to.”

Robyn shook her head once more, frowning. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

You reached across the table for her hand and squeezed gently. “Me too.” You smiled slyly, remembering last night’s dinner and Timmons gushing about The Avengers. “If not, I know how to get ahold of a couple of centenarians who know chivalry isn’t dead.”

Chapter One | Chapter Three

Tag List:

@hommoturttle @courtneychicken @vidzbyemz @vicmc624 @shawnie--jo @redbarn1995 @learisa @austynparksandpizza @ddowii

Send an ask to be added to the list!

[normal-thoughts-official]

The world keeps spinning (it really shouldn't)

Vance did it. He defeated Josephine, saved his grandpa and Elliot, and saved the town. Everything's fixed.

No. Everything is awful. He failed, and now his friend- now Tom is gone.

And he'd rather fight Josephine all over again, because it'd be easier than what he has to do now- tell Andy about it.

Fandom: It Lives (Visual Novels)

Relationships: Andy Kang/Tom Sato, Danni Asturias/Imogen Wescott, (dannimogen is background and very brief but i couldn't resist), Andy Kang & Ava Cunningham & Lucas Thomas & Lily Ortiz

Additional Tags: tom dies and everything is awful, Angst, Grief/Mourning, Friendship, for basic context im going with the version of ILITW that i got, which is that everyone survived and noah took jane's place, and then for ILB i did the version where tom dies obviously, (which is not the version i got), (everyone survived), (i feel the need to say this for my own ego), but anyway i was like what if tho. andy would be devastated, and then... this happened?, only difference from canon is that ILITW MC told everyone about noah a lot before, also like. imma be real with yall, im physically uncapable of giving my MCs serious names, so ILB MC was named That Bitch and i didnt want to give him a real name, cuz it felt like betrayal, so im just calling him vance for this one, is it his nickname? is he called vance vance? dont worry about it, Anyway that's it, Pining, you know. before the death part. it's mentioned, also we're ignoring the whole richard tries to murder MC thing, cuz i dont have time for that, so pretend ILB ended on chapter 17, Hopeful Ending, considering the theme i mean

Read it on Ao3

The city of Westchester looks exactly the same, but somehow feels a lot less wholesome, now. Vance walks in it and feels like a corpse among the living, like a ghost screaming to everyone that something's wrong. And being ignored.

It shouldn't look the same, without Tom.

But no one knows, yet.

He swallows, running a hand behind the nape of his neck. That's why he's here, anyway - they should know, they deserve to know, and he doesn't want to have the funeral without Tom's friends there.

Which is why he's going to tell Andy. Himself, in person. Because he might not know him very well, but he wants to do the right thing, and that's the least Andy deserves. He knows there's no one Tom loved like he did Andy, and from what he's seen of them together, the feeling was mutual.

He has to do this. But he feels sick, just thinking about that bond, and how it was ruined.

How could he let this happen to them?

He was so cocky, so stupid, so reckless... He thought everything would turn out okay. Assumed it would, even, because it kept getting him through it, to think that everything would turn out fine.

God. What a joke.

He walks into the little diner Andy had recommended. I'm sure you've heard of that place, Tom loves it, he had texted. We always went there to celebrate our wins back in high school. His stomach had churned, but he didn't say anything, because he wasn't going to tell Andy via text. He has to do this right. It's the least he owes him.

So he pretended that everything was fine, and agreed to meet him there. Woke up, and dragged himself to the place, trying to muster up the courage to face the world that seemed to not even care about his mistakes.

When he gets to the diner's door, he takes a deep breath, trying to ground himself for what he's about to do. Face his own mistakes. Face the pain he caused when he failed them both.

He walks in, and to his relief, and despair, Andy is already there. He smiles brightly when he sees Vance, and Vance wants to disappear.

"Vance! Nice to see you, dude. I heard about what went down in Pine Springs, glad you're okay," he says, not giving time for Vance to answer before continuing, this weird sense of calm and sympathy about him. "So, I assume you still need help with that ghost? From what I've seen in the news, it seemed like you handled it pretty well, but it's not like they are giving us supernatural updates or anything, so I figured there were still some loose ends to tie. Are the other guys coming? Where's Tom?" he looks over behind Vance, and Vance wants to die at the question. God, how is he going to tell him? He didn't really think about that, beyond the part where he has to. "I kind of thought you'd come together again. Bad move to come separated, Tom is always late to everything, I swear if it weren't for me he'd have been kicked out of the team for missing practice too many times. And I'm not the most punctual guy in the world, mind you, but I still had to drag his ass there so he'd be on time- is everything okay?"

Vance is a little shocked by the question. It's not, but what is he supposed to answer? "Andy," he says, a little careful, "things… went a little wrong, back there."

"Oh, shoot," he says, "I'm sorry, man, I kinda assumed, when I heard about how the flooding and the animal attacks were in full swing and then just stopped suddenly, that that was when you got rid of the ghost, you know? And seeing you all in one piece… I thought it was over already. Do you need help? I can round up the guys, and we can go-"

"No, Andy," Vance says, "the ghost is gone."

Andy looks at him, confused. "Then what's the problem?"

"Tom," he says, then winces when he sees all the color drain from Andy's face.

Andy waits for barely a second, then breaks into anxious questioning. "Tom? Why? What do you mean? Is he hurt? How bad is it? Did he have to go to the hospital? Where is he?"

Vance wants to cry. God. God. He can't do this. "Andy..."

Andy just looks at him, eyes wild, terrified, and it hasn't even hit him yet. "Vance. Vance. Please. What happened? Does Tom need me? Because if so, we need to go-"

"Tom's gone," he says, and it leaves him in a rush, a whisper, taking with it the last of his energy. He's empty, and somehow, it's still awful. "He's… he's dead, Andy."

Andy looks at him, eyes wide, unfocused, lost. "This isn't funny," he says. "If Tom put you up to this, knock it off right now. Tell him not to ever joke about-"

"Andy," Vance says, then swallows. "Tom wouldn't joke about that. You know that."

"No, he wouldn't, but..." His eyes begin to water, panic settling in, gaze darting across the room as if searching for him, "But… No. No. No, knock it off."

Vance starts crying before Andy does. "I'm sorry, Andy."

--------

Andy is in shock. He freezes in place, mouth hanging open, everything about him completely still except for his eyes, still so damn wide, still searching the place, searching Vance, begging for something, anything. Vance sits him back down on the table, gently, and Andy lets himself be handled back, eyes still not settling on him.

"I'm sorry," Vance says. "I… I promised you that I would take care of him. I tried, but… I'm so sorry."

"How?" he asks, "how could this happen? This isn't… After Redfield, when everyone survived, I just… I didn't think any of us could lose to another monster, I..." He shakes his head, vigorously, desperately. "This was supposed to be over. We were done, we were free, it was supposed to be over, we were all supposed to be safe, it shouldn't..."

"I'm sorry. It all happened so fast, I… If I had been faster, maybe..."

"Well, it's a bit late for that now," Andy snaps, and Vance bites his lip, not recoiling, because he deserves it. Then Andy stops, as if realizing what he had said, and for a second, his eyes seem clear again. He shakes his head. "No. I'm sorry. I… If there's anything I've learnt from everything that happened, it's that we can't point fingers when things get hard." He finally looks up at Vance, shaking, eerily still, nothing like the guy he was just seconds ago. He's wrecked, Vance thinks, and he wants to tear at himself in guilt. "What happened? Did he- did he drown, or… Did the ghost..."

"We were fighting monsters," Vance explains. "There were just… So many of them, and it all happened so fast, I..." he looks away, not daring to look back at the memory, not daring to remember the awful scene. As if he has to. Everytime he closes his eyes, it's back, punishing him. "We got his body," he explains. "Pine Springs is taking the victims to mass graves, but we wanted to give him a proper burial. I thought… You'd want to come."

Andy seems surprised, like that hadn't crossed his mind. "You haven't buried him yet?"

Vance bites his lip. "No. We're doing it tonight. We didn't have the time before, and… Well, I thought you'd want to be there. And I think he'd have wanted his body to be in Westchester, so..." He trails off.

Andy looks at him, hesitant. He bites his lip, looks away, then back at him. "Can I see the body?"

Vance does recoil, this time. He wasn't expecting this question. "I… You won't want to."

"What do you mean, I won't want to? I need to say goodbye to him, I-"

"Andy," he says, as gently as possible, because he deserves Andy's anger, all of it, but he won't let him do that to himself. "You won't want to remember him like that. His body…" He looks at Andy's eyes. He's still furious, livid, shaking, and he's lost, and Vance realizes that he doesn't get it, doesn't understand what Vance is saying, and this might be even worse than having to tell him Tom is dead. "It's torn to pieces, Andy. There's not much for you to see."

Andy freezes, for the second time that day. "Was he- oh, god," he looks at his own shaky hands, somehow even more in shock than before. "Was it… At least, was it quick?"

Vance starts crying again. He opens his mouth to answer. He can't. He chokes on the words, on his guilt, on his uselessness. "I'm so sorry, Andy."

------

Andy throws up. Once, twice. He doesn't insist on looking at the body. Obviously, he can't. Just imagining it- it's too much.

He tries to comfort Vance, because he- he's trying to do better, with his anger, with his impulsiveness, but all he can think about is how much he wants to destroy something, and honestly, the whole conversation is a blur. He punches the wall instead, once he gets home. And throws up. Again and again. Sends his friends a message, letting them know about the funeral. Cries. Punches the wall again. And again, and again, hoping that his hands will start to bleed, that he'll tear himself apart. His mom asks what's got him so angry, and he yells, "Tom is dead!". Her face twists in shock, and he can't look at it. He runs away.

Being back outside is almost worse. Everything- it should be in shambles. The whole town, the whole world should be on fire, fizzling, filled with screams and despair, like Andy is. He's never lived in a world without Tom before, never been away from him his whole life, and it shouldn't look like it's just the same. Everything should be gone, destroyed. And it is, but it doesn't look that way, and Andy wants to tear it all apart until it makes sense, at least.

He hates Westchester now. He hates it. God damn the stupid woods, and the stupid cult, and the fucking Power! God damn Andy for telling Tom about it, for letting him become this sort of- monster hunter, for believing that just because they overcame a ghost once, it would keep happening if they pushed their luck.

This wasn't supposed to happen.

Tom can't be dead. It's impossible.

How can Andy still be standing, if Tom isn't here?

---------

He wanders like that the rest of the day, not noticing the hunger that builds up after going a whole day without eating, not noticing the passersby looking at him worriedly, not noticing the thousands of missed calls from his mom, not noticing anything but this awful despair. He knows the feeling of wanting to claw his chest off intimately well, but it's never been like that before. He wants to carve himself hollow. He wants to scream. He wants to run. And he runs from the all-encompassing nothingness, even though he has nowhere to go.

He goes from angry to empty, and then back to angry, all day long, and the day passes in a blur.

--------

Andy meets up with Vance and two girls from their crew. Their group was pretty small, he realizes. A lot smaller than Andy's was, all those years ago. Three years ago. Forever ago. Another lifetime. Just yesterday.

The cemetery is empty, but there's a grave with a black casket they're standing next to. "I thought all the cemetery crew was helping Pine Springs," he says, like he cares. Honestly, he hadn't thought about the logistics of this at all.

"They are," Vance confirms, serious. "You, uh… You know about Noah, right…?"

Andy nods. "Yeah, we, uh, reintroduced ourselves to him a little after you guys left." It was weird, to say the least. All that anger, all that betrayal, bubbling up again right when they had all started to move on from what had happened, to think that it was over… The urge to scream at him, demand answers… And then seeing all the hurt, and the confusion, and remembering that they had loved Noah, once, most of their lives, and that at the end of the day, the only one who had suffered from his actions was himself.

It wasn't easy to forgive. Not to Andy. Or Stacy. Or Ava. But they had been working on it. Maybe they couldn't forgive, much less forget, but at the same time, they couldn't get rid of that bond, either.

Still… "What does this have to do with… With Tom?" If Noah had anything to do with his death, Andy would kill him all over again. He doesn't care about his freaky powers, he'll die if he has to, but Noah will pay.

"He, uh, helped. Dig the grave and, uh, get a casket. That's how we got everything ready."

Oh. "I… I see," he says. "Is he here?"

"No. I told him you guys were coming, and he said it was better if he left."

"Oh," Andy answers. "I guess that's… Yeah. Still..." he raises his voice a little bit, in the direction of the woods. "Thank you, Noah."

He doesn't see or hear anything, not really, but still, somehow, he can tell that Noah is pleased. He can picture Noah's smile and that fragile little "friendsss..."

He sighs, suddenly exhausted.

Vance seems to notice, god bless his soul. "Are the others coming?", he asks, gently.

"Lily, Lucas, and Ava are," Andy replies. "The rest were out of town, and they… They won't make it."

"I'm sorry."

Andy kicks a pebble. "It's fine," he says. It's the kind of lie that's so absurd that it becomes true. Nothing is fine. It'll never be fine. So it doesn't matter at all, and it ends up being fine.

Vance seems to realize what's going through his head, somehow, because he looks unsure of what to say. Finally, he settles on, "uh, Andy. These are Danni, and Imogen," he says, gesturing to each of them, and Andy musters up enough energy to look at their faces while he does that, at least. Then, his eyes widen for a second, finally taking in what they look like.

"Wait, you're Imogen Wescott?" he says, a little dumbfounded. "When I heard that name, I kinda expected you to be, you know..."

"White and insufferable?" Imogen asks, a little smile directed at him, so gentle he can barely handle it. "Yeah. That's why I'd rather go by Genny, usually."

Danni frowns at her, slightly troubled. "You never told me that."

Imogen's smile turns a little brighter. "Oh, no, not for you, Danni. For you, I'd rather go by 'babe'".

Danni also smiles at her, and they squeeze each other's hands, and the edges of grief seem to turn just a little softer for them both. Andy can tell that things get just a little easier for them, just a little less grim, because they have each other. And he needs to look away, wants to run, because he and Tom… They could've… In a way, they were...

He feels like he's ready to run again. God, he fucked up so bad. What was he supposed to do now, how could he get better when the one thing in the world that always made him feel better was Tom? He lost him, he's gone, it's over, and somehow it hadn't hit quite the way it did at that moment, looking at that connection, that love that showed through grief. He averts his eyes, feeling wild and cornered, and turns back right in time to almost run into Lily - who looks devastated, and reaches out to touch his arm. Which feels crazy, because Andy is raw, and his whole body is bleeding, and rotting away, and who would touch him-

"I'm so sorry, Andy." She says, and Andy finds himself hugging her tight, and he feels like she should wither, die at his touch, suffocate, but she just hugs him back and pats him and Andy cries on her shoulder, and he's never cried in front of her before, much less like this. But he can't stop, he can't do anything, he's so heavy and dizzy and lost-

And Lily is stronger than they give her credit for, because she holds him, this endless weight that is him, even when he shakes and stains her sweater with tears, like it's nothing. She feels so solid, right then, the only solid thing in the world. She's got him, Andy knows, and it's like finally he ran into something he can take shelter in. He takes a deep breath, then another, and holds on for dear life.

"I'm sorry," is the first thing he says, maybe the only thing he knows how to say right now. Maybe this is how Jane felt, in the end - this endless spectre of regret, bigger than everything, than everyone, encompassing her and drowning her until it ate her whole and left her empty, with only the Power and its evil inside her.

He's so tired, but he's not empty, not yet.

He almost wants to be.

"Don't apologize," Lily says, so sad and sympathetic, and it takes Andy a moment to realize what she's even talking about. "I'm really sorry, I..."

It's only then that Andy's eyes focus enough to see Ava and Lucas standing a little after her, their faces twisted with sadness and bodies frozen in place. At times like this, it really is obvious that Lily is the bravest out of all of them, by far. Andy doesn't think he's ever cried in front of any of them, and Lucas and Ava look- completely lost.

Lucas is the first to talk, out of them both. His voice is very soft. "Andy, if there's anything you need..."

Ava interrupts, words leaving her way too fast. "We'll be staying with you tonight." She blinks for a second, frowning at Lucas. "Sorry, I, uh, hadn't realized you were talking." She looks like she just came out of a daze. She probably had been running that in her head for a while. Lucas puts his hand on her shoulder, and Ava runs a head on her neck, embarrassed.

"It's okay," Andy answers, even though her apology wasn't directed at him. "You don't have to, you know, watch over me or..." He trails off.

"We're not leaving you alone," Ava says, resolute. "You know the others couldn't come, but we all agreed that we should be… You know..."

Andy chokes on something he can't quite feel. He looks down at his feet, and he hasn't felt this small in years. "I… Okay."

Ava reaches out to him, hesitant, and gives him a little pat on the shoulder. Lucas starts rubbing his back soothingly, and, very awkwardly, they gravitate into a group hug. Andy can see the nervousness in Ava's eyes, the worry that she's doing this wrong somehow, like a hug is the most complex thing in the world, and he tries to muster up a little smile of encouragement to her, but he's forgotten how to do that. He doesn't know how to do anything, anymore.

Slowly, they separate, and all three of them still keep some sort of touch with Andy - even Ava, with her hand close to his shoulder - like they're trying to anchor him, but he drifts away anyway, lost in whatever it is that's left of himself.

Vance looks down at him for a moment, as if waiting for a signal, but Andy doesn't know for what, so he waits for Vance to figure it out. Finally, he says, "should we start?"

Andy frowns. "Wasn't there some other guy with you? Pork something?"

Vance, Imogen, and Danni all look at each other, uncertain, surprised, for a moment. It's Imogen who speaks up. "He… He left us."

Ava swallows. "Did he also..."

"No," she says, shaking her head, sadly. "He, uh, deserted the group."

"He what?" Someone asks, shocked, almost outraged, and when Andy sees the looks in everyone's faces, he realizes that it was him.

"He couldn't take it," Vance says, face twisted with sadness. "All the fighting, the monsters… He left."

Andy is shaking. Falling apart. About to explode. "When?"

Vance doesn't look at him. "Right before the final battle."

"He abandoned you when you were going up against the evil ghost?"

"He..." Vance begins, then finds that he has nothing else to say. "Yeah."

"How…" Andy begins, lost for words, and then it happens. He explodes. "How dare he!" He screams. "Tom was counting on him, he trusted him, he needed him, and he just left? He should have been there! He should have been there, he should," Andy looks at his own hands, in shock, watching them tremble and go out of focus, like there are tears blocking his vision, and he feels sick, on the verge of death, and he realizes that he's not talking about that guy at all. "He should have been there!" He slips from his own control, falling to his knees, covering his face, feeling shame, shame, shame, hatred, disgust. "He should… I should… Oh God, I just let him go alone..."

"Andy..." Someone says. Maybe Lucas. Maybe Lily. Maybe the Imogen girl. It sounds so sympathetic. He wants to claw at his own skin and hide.

"I should have been there, I shouldn't… I had experience, what was I thinking..."

"Tom didn't want you to go," someone else says, gently. "I was there when you talked, remember? You didn't abandon him. You said you were going to come, and he told you not to."

"Tom.. Tom is not my damn boss," Andy answers, still covering his face, feeling the tears stop spilling and start to drown him from the inside, and god damn T, the least Tom deserves is for him to be able to cry properly- "I-I should have… gone," he chokes, shaking.

The next one who speaks is Ava. "He wouldn't have wanted you to be at risk, Andy."

"I don't care. I don't care. I'm selfish like that, I'd rather it was me. I could have helped him, I could have saved him, even if I had to- to take his place..."

"Andy..." is all Ava says, sounding shaken, devastated.

"Fuck!" He screams, punching the ground beneath him as if trying to punish the earth for taking Tom. "He would have never left me like that, I could always count on Tom, I could always..." he feels his chest constrict, or maybe burst, with all the tears and horror inside of him, like he's cracking from the inside. "Always..." he can't form the words, can't find the air, and he falls in on himself, more, more, more, closing in, suffocating, "always..." he can't breathe. He can't breathe. He tries to draw it in, to keep himself steady, but every time he tries to bring it in, the air escapes from him again, further, abandoning him, and he wheezes, again, again, closing in further, suffocating, oh God, he's going to die…

"It's a panic attack!" Someone screams, then kneels beside him, putting their hands on his shoulders. "Andy. Andy. Focus on me. You need to breathe. Deep lungfuls. Come on. I'll count to four. Keep breathing in. 1… 2..."

"Can't," he wheezes. It's too strong, like there's something… Something constricting his chest, inside and outside, and then he realizes… "Binder." He sits down straighter, no longer closing in on himself, and that awful vulnerability gets even worse, but it's easier to breathe. He follows the person's counts… 1, 2, 3, 4… Then up to five, then to six, then to seven, then eight… Until finally he doesn't need help, and he opens his eyes and contemplates the absolute mess that he is, and Imogen's kind, relieved face just inches from him.

"Good, Andy, you did well… I have these sometimes, too, I know how scary they are, you were so brave..." Imogen keeps on saying, painfully understanding, and he nods, a bit exhausted to explain. He didn't take his binder off all day, didn't remember… And if he wears it for too long, he's more prone to hyperventilating, especially if he's stressed. Tom knew that. Tom would have known what was going on. Tom… Fuck.

"I'm sorry," he says, to everyone, and no one in particular.

"Don't apologize. We're all glad you're okay," Lily says, and he realizes that, somehow, she had also kneeled beside him and brought him into another hug. He hides his face on her shoulder, shaking his head, trying to breathe. Breathing. She pets his head, a little bit, and he can feel some more touch, too - little pats on his shoulder and back, all gentle, not crowding him, like he's some sort of wild animal they're trying to calm down.

God, what a mess.

He holds Lily tighter, wanting to hide from the world. She lets him, because it's the kind of person Lily is. He feels himself drift away, for a while, but Lily's still petting his head and he can't lose himself completely. He shakes his head, wanting to fight it, almost wanting to get away from Lily, but he can't escape the gentleness in her embrace. He still can't cry, but he feels his eyes water and burn anyway, and he shakes his head against Lily's shoulder. He just wants this to be over. Please, he's so exhausted.

His breaths even, despite himself, but Andy keeps shaking, and he keeps shaking his head slightly against Lily. He wants this to end, it has- has to be a nightmare…

"Shh, Andy, don't hold it in, it's okay," Lily says, slowly, sadly, and Andy shakes his head more vigorously. No. He can't be weak right now, it's only going to make it last longer. He needs to end it, can't be done with this until Tom has gotten his goodbyes.

It's the least Andy owes him, now that there's nothing else he can do.

So, he speaks up.

"We should go on," he says, suddenly feeling resolute. It's easier to do this if he has something to focus on. He needs to see this through the end, for Tom. If he thinks only about that...

"Are you sure?" Vance asks, hesitant.

Andy nods, forcing his vision to focus. "He needs to rest."

----------

Everyone's speeches go by in a blur. Vance talks about how good Tom's heart was, how he was willing to drop everything to go help a bunch of strangers, how everyone could always count on him. He cries, and he says he's sorry, and the girls put their arms around him, tell him that he did his best. Imogen brings up how kind he was, and Danni talks about his strength. They really loved him, Andy notices, and feels his heart settle just a little bit. He was loved till the end. Of course he was.

Lucas talks about how supportive Tom was, how he was always uplifting everyone around him and would let Lucas babble on about conservation for hours. Lily brings up how much he believed in her and supported her when she was making her videogames. Ava says that Tom was the only one who ever saw her looking up Westchester's history and cults and just… Sat down with her and helped, understanding that she needed this to feel safe, to feel ready, and sharing that burden of getting ready for a disgrace, just a little bit. Andy never knew that Tom had been joining Ava for research. He could've helped with that, too. He could have done a lot of things, if he had paid more attention.

He's left for last, and a part of him wants to be a coward, to stay silent, but that was never his style.

"When Tom had turned into a zombie," he begins, "Redfi- Jane made him hurt me. And I wasn't worried for myself. I was worried for him. I wanted him back, no matter what it took, no matter what happened to me," he begins, not looking at anyone in particular, because he knows most of them already know this story, but he's not going to- he's not going to deny Tom the chance to know how he felt about him, before he rests. It's the least Andy owes him.

So, he takes a deep breath and goes on, pushing himself into saying something that matters.

"Then our friends showed up, and they said that Tom was still there. That I had to reach out to him. So I tried. I talked to him about our childhood. About how much he had been supporting me… How he was my best friend. He was hesitant, but so… Scared. I didn't know what to do. Tom and I always got each other..." He loses himself a little, shaking his head, purging the thoughts that were keeping him from going on, "And then someone said, 'Andy's hurt. H-he needs help'." He loses focus for a second, and that can't happen. He takes a breath, tries to make himself talk. "And just like that… Tom came back.

"He extended his hand to me, and helped me to my feet, and suddenly there was color in his face again, and for a second he wasn't even confused as to what the hell was going on, he just wanted to make sure I was okay. He came back because I needed him. Because he couldn't bear to hurt me. He was always there for me, and I… I don't think I ever needed him more than right now."

He stops a minute, to look at the faces surrounding him. There's a grief in them that looks almost like… Pity.

And Andy isn't even mad about it. He feels pitiful.

"I'm not the best guy with words," he admits, "so I don't know how to express how much this meant to me, or how much Tom meant to me. No one understood me like him. Tom is… Was… No, is a part of me. Maybe the best part of me, because I loved him more than anything else about myself. I'll miss him for the rest of my life." He looks down at Tom's grave, carved out of anything else to say. "I love you, buddy."

It's not the greatest speech that's ever been given, but it's what he can say, and at least he's done it. He'll be able to do better, later. He'll come back to talk to him again. As many times as he can, for as long as he can. He swears on that.

Andy steps back from the grave, and doesn't look as they slowly fill it, covering the closed casket with dirt. He finally allows himself to let the exhaustion catch up with him, and is overcome by that blissful, blissful emptiness.

---------

He's fully expecting himself to drop asleep as soon as they get to Ava's place. They decided to stay there for the night, because Andy still doesn't want to face his mom, to see that same grief in her, for her to want to talk to him, to tell him that everything would be fine. He can't do that, not today. At least Lucas had enough foresight to warn her of where they are, so she should leave him alone for now. Lucas is very reliable in a crisis, Andy thinks, making a note to himself to thank him properly later.

But he can't sleep. He's too exhausted to even rest. And for some reason, even though he doesn't want to talk, that's exactly what he found himself doing for the past few hours. Vomiting up all sorts of memories and thoughts, ranging from funny moments he had with Tom to all of his regrets, and Andy's always been kind of a stress-talker, but it's never been like this. He feels like he's been skinned alive; there's nothing to hold himself together, to hold anything at all in.

He cries all the tears he didn't think he had left in him anymore, and he curses himself, and the guy who left them in the end, and Noah, and the Power, and the cult, and himself again. He scratches his own skin until Lucas gently takes his hands in his, stopping him from doing more of it. And he talks, through all of that. Talks and talks and talks.

The words make him drift through memories, through states of mind, and he knows he's so damn volatile today, it's like he can't anchor himself to a feeling, but his friends put up with him anyway.

Finally, he starts to settle into this sort of… Slowness, like his mind is clear, or maybe blank, even as he keeps on thinking. And he keeps talking through it, letting all the minor regrets have their turn after he's too damn done to keep dealing with the worst parts.

"I never told him I was in love with him," Andy says, staring at the three empty mattresses in front of him, because it's easier than looking at any of his friends, who are currently sitting right beside him, as he babbles on. "I was going to, you know? After R- Jane. I had almost died, so I figured, you know- yolo, and all that. And then I told myself, 'I'll wait until I'm out of the hospital.' And then I started to think… What if he didn't feel the same way? What if things got weird? What if I end up losing him? And I never told him," he looks at his own feet, "and now I lost him anyway."

They all just look at him. They used up all the "I'm sorry, Andy"s left in them a long time ago, he thinks. There's only so many platitudes you can muster up when you know they're worthless, when you're just repeating yourself.

God bless them for trying, though. They're sticking with him through their own- everyone's inadequacy to deal with what's going on. Andy can't thank them enough for that.

"He knew you loved him," Ava says, serious, and Andy frowns at her, doubtful. "He might not have known you were in love with him, but… He knew how much he meant to you. I'm sure of it."

Andy laughs, humorless, "did you finally get those mind reading powers you wanted?" he says. It falls flat, but they pretend it doesn't, for his sake.

Ava rolls her eyes. "Don't be an ass, Kang," she says. "No. I just… I can tell. Anyone can."

Andy bites his lip, looking away.

She presses on, as gently as she can. "Besides, you also know, don't you? Regardless of anything else… Tom loved you, just as much as you loved him."

"I still love him," Andy says, before he can think about it, and a weird kind of shame creeps up on him - for saying it, for not saying it sooner, for realizing that this… It'll probably never go away, even now that it's completely pointless, that it's just proof of his cowardice.

"That's… Normal," Lily says, fiddling a little with her sweater. "You don't forget someone just like that, just because something happened. I mean, look at me and Britney. It took me years to get over her, and even then, I had to have supernatural forces show me exactly who she was, first."

"She didn't deserve you," Ava says.

"Maybe not. It doesn't matter now," Lily says. "The point is… It's okay to still love him."

Andy hugs his knees. "I don't think anything is okay, right now."

"That's okay, too."

They stay in silence for a moment, and then Lucas speaks up. "I know 'it gets better' stories don't really help at times like these," he says, "so I won't tell you that, but… I know what it's like, to feel like nothing will ever be okay, ever be enough. So… At least you're not alone, in that feeling."

Andy's mouth does something. It's not a smile, but it's what it can do right now. "Yeah. At least it's not like last time," he says. "With Jane. We all fell apart, and… It felt really lonely, even though..." He chokes up. "I had Tom."

Lucas rubs at Andy's shoulder sadly, and Andy shakes his head.

"It's just that he didn't get it, you know? And I couldn't tell him, about what happened," he says, instead of thinking about how much worse this is, no matter how many friends he has by his side right now. "So I… Missed you guys." He finishes, ashamed.

"We get it," Ava says, solemn. "And we're sticking with you, this time around."

"Yeah," Lucas agrees.

"Yeah," Lily adds.

"Okay," Andy answers. "I… Thanks."

They hug him tighter. It's all they have to say.

[kitten-mafiagang]

Endless Sleep [Kuroo x Reader]

(Kuroo's Pov)

Ived been dating (y/n) for 2 years now,both of us were inseparable we never got any problems or anything in our way.

Not until her Insomnia became worst..

She told me she had insomnia since she was a child but it just became worst this year,where she cant even eat properly anymore.I told her to go to the doctors to check it up,but she told me she would be fine.

I was walking to her house now,i came from training but i cant help myself to not worry.

I opened the door using the duplicate key she gave me and walked inside the house.

"(Y/n) i brough some steam buns-...." i dropped the plastic bag and saw her drowning herself with sleeping pills.

"(Y/N)!!" i shouted and rushed to her.

I quickly grabbed the bottle and throw it somewhere.

"(Y/n)! what are you thinking!? you could've get overdosed by them.." i grabbed her shoulders staring at her.

"K-kuroo..im sorry" she teared up.

I hugged her and patted her back as comfort.

"Lets just check this thing up okay?" i said and she nodded.

(Timeskip)

I brought (Y/n) at the doctor and known her insomnia was really at its worst case.

The doctors suggested for her to stay at the hospital to be monitored everyday.

"Kuroo..i think this isnt necessary..." she frowned.

"This is just for safety ok?" i smiled at her and she gladly smiled back.

Year have passes she isnt getting better,sometimes she isnt eating or even sleeping...

"(Y/n)-san...please eat here its your favorite food!" lev tried to feed (Y/n)

The whole volleyball team is here visiting her.

"(Y/n)-san?" lev called.

She is just sitting there with her bored eyes looking at he window.

I sighed..

"Everyone lets just go home for now" Yaku said.

When the volleyball team was out i followed them until at the main entrance of the hospital.

"kuroo,dont worry we know how strong (y/n) is" yaku said.

Everyone nodded in agreement.

As soon as everyone went home i waked back to (y/n) and sat at her bed.

"Kuroo..." she spoke

"yeah?" i glanced at her.

"Im s-sorry" she looked at me with guilt

"Its okay..."

I pulled her close to my arms

"Just sleep...its okay to me.."

As soon as her eyes closed i already know an Endless sleep would come...

[violetnotez]

request:  It’s the the first time I send a request so I hope I’m doing it right 🥺 can I request a kirishima x reader one-shot with the reader being the traitor and during a fight with the LOV she betrays her classmates and her boyfriend and they found everything out. Possibly angst ofc and you can choose if end it with angst or not, as you prefer. Please I love your blog 🥰

hi anon! So I really loved this idea, and I kinda took it in a different direction, hope thats alright! <3

Kirishima x reader

Genre: Angst, PG

Word Count: 2.6k 

Warnings: none!

Prompt:  #3, “you cant tell me you dont feel the same way” from @bnhabookclub​ Provisional Licensing Exam event

Summary: You have been recruited by Shigaraki to spy on UA as a student. You mistakenly fall in love with Eijirou Kirishima during your time there, dating him for almost 6 months. But now Shigaraki needs you back, and in order to keep Kirishima safe, you have to break his heart

You let out a deep sigh, your chest feeling heavy and full of despair.

You didn't want to do this- you didn't want to hurt him, or let him go.

But to keep him safe- you had to do it.

Shigaraki had revealed the night before that his new plan was complete, and that your spying operation at UA was no longer needed. You had been recruited by Shigaraki at a young age to pose as a student attending UA High, your powerful quirk allowing you to get into the famous Class 1-A. For the last few months you had been pretending to be a hero-in-training, befriending every member in the class in order to win their trust. It was tiring work, trying to study on your own as well as memorize each student's strengths and weaknesses for Shigaraki to use. But by being so friendly with them, you began to realize you actually liked some of the students, making it difficult to hate them as much as you used to. They were so carefree and hopeful about the future, not realizing how cold the real world was like you did. You surprised yourself by loving every moment you were with 1-A, especially with your boyfriend, Eijirou Kirishima. It was hard to stay away from him- he was so bright and charismatic, his smile able to be seen from a mile away. His warmth was so intoxicating, lighting up your life in love and affection. He was the sweetest boy you had ever met, and quite handsome as well, sealing the deal for the massive crush you had grown to have on him. You felt guilty for dating him, knowing that a large portion of your life was hidden from him. It was a frigid lie that had once tried to hold you back from crushing on Kirishima, yet his brilliant warmth melted it away. He unknowingly helped you feel safe, to momentarily believe the world wasn't so bad after all.

Even though you had grown to love the redhead and his bright personality as you spied on Class 1-A, you knew the consequences that one day you would have to leave, yet you followed your heart anyway.

But now the dreaded day had come- Shigaraki needed you to disappear from this new life you had learned to love. He had received all the information he needed from your snooping around, and it was time for you to leave.

Guilt flooded your body, drowning your lungs and heart in regret and misery by the news: you should never have dated poor Kirishima in the first place. You knew it would break his heart once he knew your time together would end, but it had to be done: if Shigaraki ever knew a student from 1-A was romantically in love with you, he wouldn't hesitate to use Kirishima against you as bait to keep you wrapped around his clammy finger. You wouldn't allow Kirishima to get hurt over you, not on your watch.

The only way to ensure you could slip away without worrying about Kirishima was to make him forget about you. That was a close to impossible task, so that idea you scratched out from your mind. You only had two options left: tell him the truth or break his heart.

If you told him the truth, you would have to admit that you were a villain, and most likely would break his heart from the pain away. It would mean revealing your whole life and reason to be a "hero" was a complete and utter lie, most likely destroying the boy in the process. But you already knew Kirishima like the back your hand, and could guess his actions in an instant. He would most likely try to help you, attempt to fix your ways and tell you could leave: but you knew better. You were too involved with the LOV to ever leave and live an everyday life. They would hunt you down if you so much as even admitted to wanting to leave.

You decided the best course of action was to tell Kirishima you were over and down with your relationship- it killed you to even think of speaking such lies, but you didn't want to see him getting hurt. The boy would be heartbroken, yes, but after a while, he'd get over it. His friends were so supportive, so he was sure to have many people consoling him out of his blues. He would forget about you one day and find someone else, someone who wouldn't lie and hurt him. It hurt you to admit it, but this was the best plan you could think of to keep him completely safe.

You were going to miss Kiri and his strong embraces, though, as they were only things that made you feel safe and protected. He was so bright, cheerful, and kind, and it was hard not to resist those warm emotions when your world felt so cold and menacing. But the only way to keep the light inside Kirishima bright was to cut ties with him permanently- you had to break his heart.

Kirishima bounded into the common room cheerfully from his normal workout routine, a warm towel wrapped around his shoulders as he greeted some of his friends. His eyes fell on you, and his heart soared- you looked so pretty sitting there, the setting sun making strands of your hair sparkle like spun gold. His smile grew wider, his perfect teeth sparkling- how was he so lucky to land such an amazing girl like you? His strong arms wrapped around your body from behind the couch, his skin radiating heat as he rubbed his cheek against your hair. "Hey princess, how are you?" he mumbled your pet name into your ear, making your heart churn painfully- this would be the last time he'd hold you like this, the last time he'd speak so softly and sweetly to you. You sighed sadly, meekly wrapping a hand around his skin. 'Hey Kiri," you replied numbly, your voice depressed. You rose from the couch, your legs feeling heavy like lead as you wrapped your arms around your body- why did it feel so cold? Kirishima's smile faded slightly- you didn't sound at all happy. You usually greeted him so adorably, always giving him a big hug or a peck on his cheek. Now you seemed defeated, your hands wrapped around your body as if to protect yourself from something. "Hey, whats going on? You alright- is something bothering you?" he asked sweetly, clueless to why you were feeling this way as he closed the gap between you. He placed his calloused palm on the small of your back, reassuringly, his thumb rubbing against the fabric of your shirt. You swallowed hesitantly, your eyes unable to look into his- it felt too painful to look at him, his innocence to the whole situation making you feel so conflicted and guilty. "We need to talk," you forced yourself to say, his face instantly masked in worry. "Uh-uh sure!" he replied quickly, his speech a little flustered as he tried to seem unbothered, "do you want to talk in my room or yours?" "Let's go in mine," You quickly began walking to your room, Kirishima's footsteps following close behind. He was perplexed and worried- you seemed like something was really bothering you, your voice free of any brightness and joy like it usually was.

You felt like each step to your room made your heart fall heavier and heavier, opening up your room door slowly and letting him enter your room. He flipped on the lights, illuminating the space as you closed the door- even though you'd be long gone by the morning, you felt you at least owed Kirishima some privacy by having the door closed. It made the room feel so much smaller now that Kirishima's aura took over the room. Guilt and shame were eating up at you as you remembered all the hangout sessions and study dates you had in this room, hating how worried and compassionate he looked towards you. "What did you want to talk about? Is it something I did or do? I'm really sorry if I hurt you some way," he was already thinking it was his fault, making you cringe in internal pain- god why was he so sweet? It was you, it was your own personal issues, not him.   "No Kiri, no!" you frantically reassured him, your hands going out in front of you in protest. "Its not you, its- its just," "You can tell me anything, you know that right?" he affirmed sweetly, his eyes soft with concern. You nodded your head numbly, your mouth feeling dry like sandpaper. Kirishima walked close to your body, placing his palms around  your elbows, your arms full of tension as he tried to melt it away with his touch. He was looking down at you with so much worry, so much adoration and love, it made your stomach turn painfully. Why did this have to be so hard-it was so agonizing, like pulling off a bandage slowly and painfully. You just needed to get it done, to rip off the metaphorical bandage as quickly as possible- the longer you wait, the longer the stinging and the pain will be for the both of you. "Then tell me whats wrong," he instructed softly, still utterly oblivious to the whole situation. You swallowed thickly, your voice and throat feeling hoarse and tight. It was now or never. "Kiri, I- we need to break up."

Kirishima froze, his heart stopping in his chest. He didn't hear you correctly, right? Maybe he heard you wrong? There was no way you wanted to break up with him, no way at all- "I-Im sorry, I just-I just don't love you," You hated how these words were coming out of your mouth, these lies that were obviously ripping you and Kirishima apart from the inside. You watched his expression turn from worry to agony, his eyes wide with shock. It hurt too much to see him look so frozen, as if your words had caused him to shut down. His hands were still on your body, the air changing so suddenly- it was stuffy, stale, and uncomfortable. And it was your fault. You shimmied out of his embrace, turning around so you wouldn't be forced to face him. The guilt was eating at you- you couldn't bear to look at him look so defeated when you knew you had caused it. Your abrupt movement seemed to wake him up out of his heartbroken daze, his hands instantly grasping for you, spinning you around quickly. You breathed hitched painfully in your throat- you had never seen him look so defeated, so desperate. His palms were wrapped around your shoulders tightly, almost painfully, making it practically impossible to escape his hold on you. "y/n, please, please just tell me what's wrong," his voice was wavering, his eyes already gleaming with tears, "I-I know this isn't you, if I did something, y/n, I'll fix it, I promise! I can't lose you, please, please dont do this-" he was practically begging "Kiri, I-I, I cant," your voice was becoming weaker from the stress of trying to hold back a sob, "I-I never loved you." "Y/n, no, I cant accept that," tears were gliding against his cheeks, his voice full of passion, "you cant tell me you dont feel the same way." "I-I love you so, so much, you have no idea," he looked down at you with his wide, puppy-like eyes, begging you to change your mind with his words. "Your all I think about- when I wake up, when I fall asleep, everything I see reminds me of you. You make me so happy, the way you smile, your laugh, your hugs- I-I cant live without those things y/n. I cant live without you. When I asked you out that day, I was so nervous- I had been planning for weeks before, and when you agreed to go out, you made me the happiest man alive." Tears were falling down your cheeks now, your heart screaming in agony. You wanted to tell him that's how you felt as well- Kirishima was your whole entire life, enveloping your every waking moment in his wonderfully bright aura. He was your light, your sun, your anchor in the crazy mess of the galaxy of your life. There was no love and no warmth until Kirishima came around. But now you needed to keep him safe- you had to sacrifice your happiness with each other in order to keep him out of harm's way. "Kiri, I only dated you because I felt pity," you lied straight through your teeth, wishing you could melt into the wall seeing Kirishima's face break. "I was too afraid to say no," His heart couldn't take anymore clearly, his face conflicted with so many emotions you couldn't differentiate between any of them. You felt like this was the most ultimate betrayal to the boy, making him think his love he had with you was all a lie. It wasn't, and you wished you could just tell him the truth, but you knew that would be worse. He'd never allow you to leave- you had to, to protect yourself and him. You put yourself in a crappy situation- you wouldn't drag him along with you. "So-it-it was all fake?" He asked, his voice quiet and terrified. He didn't want to hear the answer he knew would spill out of your mouth. "Yes," The room was deadly quiet, Kirishima completely dumb founded-all the times you hugged him, made him feel accepted in your life, laughed at his jokes, kissed him, made him smile, made him happy-was all a lie? A cruel joke in order to spare his feelings? He felt like such an idiot-he should have known this was too good to be true. He felt deep down he wasn't good enough for you, strong enough, smart enough, manly enough. This was just confirming that fear by 10 fold. You were sniffling, watching the love you had for the boy only grow out of misery, while his love for you was diminishing. "Y-n, I-"he was so confused, his hands running through his hair in anguish. "Why?!? Why did you-you were my first everything! You are everything to me! I can't believe you, there's gotta be another reason-I love you, you love me!" You were so quiet, your shoulders shaking in misery and guilt as tear after salty tear fell against your cheek. Your silence was painful, confirming what he feared with each passing second, your averted eyes hiding the actual truth "You love me, right?" You were too afraid to speak, knowing what you had to say to break him from you-but you couldn't. The lie of saying you didn't love him was eating up your insides, clogging your lungs and your throat to the point you felt you couldn't speak. You couldn't tell him you didn't love him-it was too painful. You already lied to him enough. "I'm sorry," you whispered, looking at him with reddened eyes. What he thought you were sorry for was your lack of care for him, the lies you had told him for the past 6 months, and it burnt his insides in a gut wrenching flame, the fire licking and eating his insides in agony.  He had to leave-he couldn't take this anymore, his body walking right past you and opening the door quickly to get fresh air. You were now sobbing, broken gasps crying out his name as he shut the door behind you, closing his heart off from ever accepting you again. You were sorry that you were in love with him, and by being in love with him, you had broken him.

Taggings:

 (if you would like to be added, message me via my inbox- if you would to specify a certain character youd like to be added for, that is fine as well!)

@weebartistinc​ @yuueimagines​ @orokayagi​ @leeeah-loooser​

[varian-the-unstable-alchemist]

Dont ask for context. I just wanted to post this so its in one place to share-

Regular text was written by me, and italicized text was written by @purple-steven​ ‘s mun

---

Varian groaned, his mouth was dry and it felt as though his head was splitting open. He went to rub his eyes before he realized.... right. He was tied to a chair. At least it was a chair this time. It wasn't exactly comfortable, but it was better than being hung from the ceiling by his wrists, which was what he had woken up to last time. He didn't try to struggle. He knew it wouldn't help. He held his eyes closed, mentally assessing his body. He was mildly disappointed to find he still only had on a thin tank top that was far too big for him, the same worn trousers, and a small tight-fitting metal collar. Everything else had been taken from him. His gloves, his boots, his goggles, even his binder. Gone. He didn't know how long he's been here, but by how long his once sleek, but now matted and tangled hair had grown he could tell it had been at least two months. Anger had long since bled into despair and he held little hopes that he would ever be released. That he would ever see his friends again. His brothers and sister. He should just forget them, he wasn't going to see them again. He only hoped they weren't still looking for him. 

Everything ached, but the lack of open wounds was proof enough that he had died again. After a few moments of deep breaths, which felt like he was inhaling shards of glass, he opened his eyes. He was met with the same dark stone room that his eyes had long since become accustomed to the light level of. Andrew was sitting in the corner of the room. His emerald eyes shining in the darkness. a smile slipped onto his face when he saw the ravenette was awake. Varian had no energy to react at all, so he just gazed at him with empty eyes. Eyes that had been glazed over with hopelessness since he realized there was nothing he could do or say to make Andrew let him go. 

"Good morning sleeping beauty" Andrew whispered as he steadily made his way towards the bound alchemist. Time had no meaning anymore. It could be morning, it could be night, he didn't know. 

"What should we do with you today?" Andrew continued when Varian gave no reaction. "Maybe I could give you a treat and take you outside...? Leaving you in the ocean to drown a couple times could be fun..." 

Varian knew Andrew was only playing with him. He already knew exactly what he was going to do with him. He always did. Andrew reached up and took his face in his palm with a gentleness that didn't fit the situation. Varian instinctively tensed at his touch but resisted the urge to jerk away, knowing it would only result in pain. "I think we're going to do something a little different today... Im sure you miss your friends, right?"

Varian didnt respond, but he repressed a whimper of pain as Andrew's grip started to tighten.

"Right?"

" ...y-yes..." Varian rasped.

Andrew smirked, releasing him and starting to walk towards the door on the far side of the room. "Well, how about we send them a message?"

Varian looked after him and he entered it and came out with a video camera. Varian's breath caught as he started setting it up in front of him and he realized what he was planning, a look of fear breaking through the wall that had been built to protect himself. The video camera was old, the kind that used a VHS tape. Well, to him it was new, as he was from the past, but it was old compared to the kind of technology this current time period has. He shook himself out of that train of thought. He needed to get himself out of the habit of analyzing everything he sees. Alarms went off in his head as soon as Andrew turned it on, setting it on top of something that was about on his head level. 

---

There was a package left outside the library. Nothing special, just a brown cardboard box with a red ribbon wrapped around it. There didnt seem to be anyone around, and it was probably left there sometime that night

Lav was still searching for Varian, he's so worried, he hasn't been able to catch any leads or anything... He hasn't even been sleeping well, he was going out for fresh air. But he noticed the package. He grabbed it, opening it quickly, he's got a bad feeling. Mysterious packaging is always a bad sign.

Inside was a folded piece of blue clothing, after further inspection, it was obvious that this was varian's hoodie. It was ripped in places and bloodstained. Underneath the hoodie was what looked like a cassette tape, where there's supposed to be a label, there was just a smiley face that looked like it had been drawn with blood by a finger.

Lav was... Staring at it, shaking, racing to the living room and pushing in the tape, turning it on. He needed to know what had happened, he needed to know where they were.

The video started, and a dark room flickered into view. In the center was Varian, tied to a wooden chair with thick ropes that look old and worn. He was pale and dangerously thin, his once beautiful blue eyes were clouded over and he was trembling visibly, despite the low quality of the recording. He was wearing a black collar around his neck, there were dark purple bruises blossoming on his wrists where he was tied too tight than necessary and his hair was quite a bit longer and hung in clumps around his face. The tank top he was wearing was thin and far too big for him. He looked cold. He gazed at the camera with a look of despair and fear, tears starting to form in the corner of his eyes. 

Lav was shocked at the sight, he wasn't sure how to react. He was mad, he was sad, he was feeling the weight of guilt. He had let this happen. He had died, and he didn't stop Andrew. He was close to the TV, far too close than he should've been, and he was scared. Scared for what was to come.

"Something wrong?" Someone out of frame asked, and varian's eyes flicked from the camera to a point slightly above and to the left. "I thought you would be happy to be given a chance to talk to your friends again... hmm... that reminds me. who should I give this to? What about the hybrid you call your "older brother"? I bet he would love a chance to hear from you again..." It was obvious that whoever it was was smirking, just from his tone.

Varian opened his mouth for a moment before he hoarsely whispered, "...lav..." at a volume so low it was only barely picked up on the tape, his eyes going out of focus for a moment.

"VARIAN!" He was shouting, banging at the TV. God, what was he doing? He knew he couldn't get to him, he was too late, he needed to search for something, anything that would help him get there. But he couldn't look away from the sight. He felt sick, watching what he felt was a younger brother of his being this bruised and battered. He wanted to help. He needed to help, he's let this happen for so long...

The voice chuckled and stepped into view, walking over to stand sightly to the side and behind varian. He was immediately recognizable as Andrew. He twirled a dagger between his fingers as varian started at the camera in fear, frozen, not knowing what to do. Andrew leaned down next to varian's ear at the same time he raised the dagger to varian's neck, pressing the cold blade against his pale skin and whispering just loud enough for it to pick up on tape. 

"Nothing to say? Not even a hello? Come now, dont be rude...."

Varian visibly swallowed before repressing a sob and choking out, ".. H-hello lav..." His voice was raspy and hoarse.

Lav was shaking the TV, unaware of the tears that were streaming down his face, coughing with the tears choking him. He could only watch, trembling with anger towards Andrew.

Andrew smiled in satisfaction and drew the knife away. Only to drive it into the flesh on his right lower arm, smiling wider as varian let out a strangled scream, tears streaming down his face as he instinctively tried to jerk away. Anderw gripped his upper right arm in one hand and his jaw with the other, forcing him to look at the camera. "Go on, ask for help. Beg for him to find you, tell him where you are so he can come to your rescue. You know this is the only way he'll hear you. I'll reward you with a quick death this time...."

"Varian, please, hang on, please... Tell me, tell me..." Lav was desperate, looking at him in the eye, trembling more the more he stared. He could see the pain in his eyes, he could see the tears well up, he let this happen...

Varian was trembling harder now, the dagger still protruding from his arm and the hopelessness and despair visible in his eyes. He closed his eyes and shook his head to the best of his ability, but cried out again when Andrew tightened his grip. Starting to yell what andrew wanted, just for a bit of relief "aAAAAHH! I-I dont know where I am! L-Lav.. im scared..." he choked on his words. "p-please.. p-please help me, please I-"

Andrew drew the knife out of his arm and plunged the bloody dagger into varian's gut. Varian's eyes widened for a few seconds before he gagged, doubling over in pain as tears streaked down his face, his body shaking feebly. Blood dripped from his mouth as he looked up at the camera one last time with an expression of agony. "...l-lav... please... help me...."

Lav didn't know how, he didn't know, he had to find him. But there was nothing, only darkness and a chair, a bloody one too. He needed to find him, he had to do something, he needed to find him at any cost. And he needed to kill Andrew. He had to, otherwise he'd be doing this forever. He just stared, he felt overwhelmed with guilt and anger, his hands clenched in to fists as his eyes stayed fixated on the sight. God, he felt sick.

The broken alchemist let out one last sob before his energy drained and he slumped forward against the ropes. After a few seconds, his ragged breaths followed. Andrew slowly pulled the knife from varian's body, brushing his hair out of his eyes and smearing varian's blood on his face. He stepped towards the camera, obscuring varian from view. 

"You wont find him. This I can guarantee" He whispered before the screen flickered to black.

Lav just... Stared. He's not sure what to feel. Andrew... god, he... he should've been stronger, he shouldn't have let this happen. Now, he had to make this right. It's his fault after all. He knew was he had to find him. No matter what it takes.

[burnedbyshoto]

if you sent any asks (recommendations for things don’t count as I have to look around!) since october 17 until october 22 it is in here :)

anon said: The header for your askbox response post is *aesthetic*. I think it’s a really good idea to post one every few days if you have the time. ❤️

well, thANK YOUUUUU!!!!! I put in a whopping 10 minutes into it because I had no idea what I was doing! i’ll definitely be doing asks this way now though.

big dick kiri anon said: !!!!!! ILY HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY PLS HYDRATE 💙💙❤️❤️ -bigdickkiri

Omg love! Please don’t worry about kinktober just breathe! Take your time and try to relax 💙❤️- bigdickkiri

DAMN, that is a LOT. Please look after yourself and don't stress about it love!! - bigdickkiri

I'm very excited. BUT PLEASE LOOK AFTER YOURSELF, DO NOT FORCE ANY OF THIS OMG - bigdickkiri

AHH, AMAZING, TALENTED SWEETHEART, GORGEOUS LOVE, HAVE A INCREDIBLE DAY AND HYDRATE - bigdickkiri

I believe I did have a good day, and I am actually super bad at hydrating, buT ILL TRY TO GET BETTER!!!!

I am breathing!!!! JUSTTT BREATHEEEE!!! I am taking my time now and relaxing to the best of my ability :D thank you so much bdk I love you with all my soul

theres always a lot, but if im not doing a lot I dont do anything so on one hand.... it’s okay LMAO but I will continue to try and not stress :D

BDK I WOULD NEVER WANT TO MAKE YOU THINK IM FORCING THIS OUT OF MEEEE ILL TRY MY BEST TO MAKE YOU PROUD

GHSOGHJIAORGJRGIRAHG YOURE AMAZING, BEAUTIFUL, TERRIFIC, INCREDIBLE!!!!!!! YOU HYDRATE AND MAKE SURE YOU KNOW THAT I LOVE YOU

@bread-theduck​ said: We love you and support you ❤ dont push yourself, your mental health is so much more important that kinktober haha. Take all the time you need, we're right here and open if you wanna talk~

I don’t really try to push myself... it just happens subconsciously D: but thank you for the love and support!!!! my mental health is stronger than I give it credit though

anon said: listen! we all appreciate you and your writing dearly but! I think we can all agree that we want you to be okay mentally and physically before you make yourself write! kinktober can wait! you’re more important!! at the very least, pls take a break for tonight.

I honestly can’t even remember when i said I was tired, but thank you for your kind words regardless!!!! I am trying to get better at it because i don’t want to disappoint you guys D:

@saintbullet​ said: Please take care of yourself!!! DONT risk your health for writing. We care about you so much! Be careful 💕💕💕

I know I push myself a lot, and i’m really sorry for scaring you all!!!! I am trying though, and it just has a lot to do with my mental fatigue and that im judging some hard classes right now then it has to do with anything

anon said: hey it'll be alright! idk whats wrong but i promise everything will work out like its supposed to! you just take care of yourself and take as much time as you need to feel better!! we love u!! ♥️

It wAS MY PERIOD I REMEMBER NOW AHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!! I LOVE YOU TOOOOOOOO WITH ALL THE LOVE MY HEART POSSES!!!!!!

anon said: periods can be a pain so pls take care of yourself!! drink lots of water and rest up!!!

my period is the worst, if she was a person i’d block her and avoid her irl!!!!!!!!

anon said: Lol ok so gay for Mina anon back and no, I was not the anon who requested it. But lmao, let me take this time to whole heartedly thank that anon for quenching my thirst anyways

oh whoops, sorry for thinking you were someone else D: iM GLAD TO SEE THAT YOU WERE HAPPY WITH IT!!! READER WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A BAD GUY BUT I COULDN’T FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE IT WORK LMAO

anon said: I am just planning on hanging out and reading all the lovely writing that comes from this

i’m pretty sure this is about my nsfw/sfw headcanons, and honestly im sooo very excited to start working on them!!!!!!!!

anon said: you have no idea how happy I got when I saw u posted for mina like UGH MY WIFE I LOVE HER SO MUCH 🥺🥺🥺 N GIVING US GAYS AMAZING CONTENT UR AMAZING MWAH MWAH KEEP BEING THE PERFECT ANGEL U ARE 🥺🥺💞💗💖💕💓💝

AHHHHH IM SO GLAD YOU LIKED IT MINA IS LIKE MY FAV CLASS 1-A GIRL SO I LOVE HER SO MUCHHHHHHHHHHH YOURE AMAZING AND I LOVE YOU AND YOURE AN ANGEL!!!!!!!

many a anons said: Sorry I didn’t see the part where you said not to request characters that were already on the list I thought that was the list of character we could vote for.

so sorry I accidentally sent a character in that has already been requested, Tumblr didn't show me the follow up posts ;;

nooo I didn’t see the list I’m so sorry 😭😭😭

LOL ITS OKAYYYY. y’all were hoes and kept sending me shouto who I couldn’t even think about deleting from my list... so... you are lucky >:(

anon said: hello! not a request here but take care of yourself anc stay hydrated bb 🥰🥰

I got my water right next to me rn bby :D

anon said: be todoroki’s girlfriend

bitch I am todorokis WIFE, why would I need to dress up???

@girl-with-a-mentality​ said: You can be todoroni for Halloween.

....you right...

anon said: Thirst post infoo ;3 I found a doujinshi of Bakugo being teased and toyed with sexually with by Ochako, Yaomomo, and our lovely momma Mina

...send it

anon said: GIRLLLLLL

ANONNNNNNNNNNNNN ;)

local dumbass anon said: local dumbass is here once again, i thiink you know who i am and might've found my ig buuuuuut..?

uh.... I don’t know???????? I only followed people on insta if you gave me your handle or followed me first.... also did you cut your bangs?

anon said: Your Monoma scenario was really good!If we’re being honest, though, Monoma would literally start foaming at the mouth if he saw anyone from 1-A making physical contact with his s/o, ESPECIALLY Bakugou. They would have to call animal control because there would be a rabid Monoma in the dorms lol

okay... while you’re not wrong, I just thought 18 year old monoma should have grown up just the tiniest bit! plus his obsession is controlled because of his insecurity so LMAO IDK I JUST THOUGHT MAYBE UGH

@awkward-theaterkid​ said: I was reading your Day 19 Fic but I couldnt take it seriously, the title "My Way" kept reminding me of the Backstreet Boys "I want it that way" and it keeps popping up while I read it 😂

as someone who only heard that song because of b99 I read this and immediately thought of b99 LMAOOOOO

🍒💥anon said: URGENT PSA: LYSSA IS ABSOLUTELY AMAZING AND I LOVE HER -🍒💥

Hello Queen Lyssa, I finally read "And They Were Roommates" and have absolutely no idea why I put it off so long! ITS A MASTERPIECE. Each chapter is addictive and the slow burn and angst destroyed me 😭 The smut in the final chapter is flawless and sooooooooooooooooooo H O T. Shoto wasnt even my favorite character but he might have to be now (or at least in my top 3) 😰 This is my new favorite series and I cant wait to re-read it!!!! YOURE AMAZING AND ILY. You own my soul now -🍒💥

URGENT PSA I LOVE YOU CHERRY EXPLOSION AND YOURE AMAZING :D

ATWR holds a special place in my heart uwu.... HAOGHIOSRGSIOGJSIHG THANK YOU!!!!! SHOUTO IS AN AMAZING CHARACTER WHO I LOVE WITH ALL MY HEARRTTTTTT

~ thank you to @didyoumeanme​, @kittenlordofdarkness​, @soafers​ for submitting memes and animal pics for my rommate, much appreciated :D ~

anon said: Did the local dumbass anon ever cut their bangs? Do you know?

....I dont know, but I just asked her rn >:)

this paragraph is dedicated to those surrounding to the meltdown mess that occurred yesterday. to each and every one of you who sent me kind words via my askbox or directly contacting me, thank you. I really want to move past this because I feel by holding on it will make me feel less inclined to write because of my guilt. of course, I do not expect you to forgive me, or trust me in my story of how it went down, because at the end of the day it was my mistake for trusting in someone to write with pure intentions when I didn’t know if she could. im trying to continue on with my best foot forward and im grateful for those of you who trusted in me. I swear I will never push myself again, and that I will instead take my time in order to publish my original work and only my original work and not take anything that comes from a “friend”. know that I love you all, and I dont know how to take it easy so my break lasted a whooping 10 hours, and my blog won’t discontinue until im done with bnha or...I get into medschool which is still 3 years away, I am taking care of myself, im staying hydrated, im trying not to put myself down anymore, I will keep going, & will forever continue to be more careful with what I post. also, no one was really coming for me, so don’t worry if you thought so lol. (to you 9 anons who expressed their kind thoughts to me, thank you. to big dick kiri anon thank you. to @bqkubabey​, @flayvus​, & @ultimate-shit-poster​ thank you so so much you really helped me not drown myself in my own guilt.)

anon said: i hope you’re feeling okay today :((

I am feeling a lot better. unfortuantely I did make myself really sick yesterday because ive never been as stressed in my life ever, but im okay now. there’s nothing I can do more for what happened so I will try to continue on as best as I can and I appreciate you caring... ilysm :)

@ikinabi​ said: Your writing??? Actually god sent 🥵👌 and the way you write Mirio gets me GOING

BAHAHAH NOOOOO ITS NOT PLAFUAOGHJIPRAHAR MY MIRIO PIECE YOU LIKED WAS MY FIRST PIECE ON HIM AND OOO BOY I DID NOT DO HIM JUSTICE

anon said: fuck buddy iida is a thought that has never crossed my mind but now that i’ve seen your post i am intrigued haha

well... it is up :) if you wanna check her out :)

anon said: You dont have to answer if you dont wanna but i just wanna see if your okay. I hope your end your doing well and not stressing.

i’m doing much better than I was yesterday!!! I just needed to rest and calm down and stop attacking myself. thank you for checking in!!! it means so much :,)

[ibelieveinahappilyeverafter]

Danny Phantom Drabble - It Took Me By Surprise

Click here to read the work on Archive Of Our Own. Click here to read the work on Fan Fiction Net.

If you found yourself enjoying this, then check out my writing commissions.

Don’t forget I’m doing more cool things on my Patreon all the time and you can get drabbles like these weeks in advance! And if you can’t pledge, then leave a tip for my next coffee!

Title: It Took Me By Surprise

Rating: T

Warnings: Mentions of death, murder, and blood

Inspired By: artistically-gay.tumblr.com/post/180906397891/it-took-me-by-surprise-the-hatred-in-his-eyes-i

Summary: Ghostwriter knows of his past well and he knows how good he and his brother were together. He thinks that it's long since been time for them to go back to that.

::

“We should wait.” The words were almost drowned out with how quietly they were said, Andrew’s fingers slipping against cool gray steel and pulling out a few droplets of what was now his blood - ectoplasm. Ectoplasm was the name of it, now. He paid it no mind and instead let his neutral gaze slip into a glare. “We still don’t know how many-”

“We’ve had worse odds,” Andrew snapped, sitting up more so he could see over the edge of the shattered rocks they were planted on, a lair just in their sight. “He’s right there. I can kill him myself.” This was his first mission in such a long time, after all, and he wanted to make it count.

“Andrew.” There was no White Fang tonight, just an unsure and unsteady Randy who looked like he wanted nothing more than to return to Andrew’s own lair and forget this whole night. Andrew felt his irritation grow. Randy never could realize the good they were doing, in the old days, and now it seemed he still didn’t understand. “It’s dangerous.”

“Stop being so hesitant.” Standing up, Andrew readjusted his hold on one of his throwing knives, feeling the ectoplasm at the tip of his fingers gather even more as he ran them along the edge. “I’ll kill him with or without your help.” Their target was a ghost, after all. This had only been borrowed time and nothing more.

Randy was silent and still beside him, uncertain look on his face finally fading into something blank and calm as he stood up as well. Two guns, both black and sleek as a piece of the sky, were clasped loosely in his hands. “As you wish.” The words were said softly, but not whispered. Andrew grinned.

“Good evening, White Fang.” Now this was going to be fun. It had been such a long time since the Priest had been able to play with his White Fang, after all. “Death never could take you forever.”

There was no word of defense or protest in any manner, Randy clasping his guns more tightly before launching forward, Andrew taking a moment to admire him before following after. There was no care for the long years that had taken place between now and then. There was only a mission, a target, and his blood slick against his knives.

::

“Stop leaving me out of things!” Andrew’s words were shrieked and torn out of him like glass from a wound, the words bouncing off the walls of his lair as he glared at Randy with everything in him. “You always do this! You always run away!”

“I’ve done nothing but try to keep you safe!” Randy snapped back, face etched into a snarl as he stalked forward, pointing at Andrew. “You’re the one who wants to run away from the truth of things!”

“Me- Me?! I’m not the one who made us run away from home! I’m not the one who ran away from me that day on the docks! I’m not the one who ran away when we tried to find each other!” Andrew didn’t bother trying to quiet himself, only screaming louder and louder as he felt tears start to cloud over his vision.

“Andy…” Randy looked like he was being hit with too many emotions at once, Andrew not able to muster up any of the guilt or pity that he would usually feel. Let Randy feel like this. It was what he deserved for trying to abandon him again. “I’m not- I’m not trying to run away from you.”

“Then what are you doing, Randy?” Andrew let the tears fall, knowing that the path they burned down his skin would be felt even worse by the man in front of him. “If not from me, then what are you trying to run away from?”

“I…” Randy still couldn’t find the words, and Andrew still couldn’t find the way to make him talk. No matter what button he seemed to press on Randy to trigger something, none of them ever let him in. “Forget it. I’ll stay here.”

“I don’t want you to leave,” Andrew said quietly, knowing he was flushed from crying and feeling how his voice wanted to break and crack. “Is that so wrong?”

“No. I guess not. I’ll stay, Andy.” There. Nothing to worry about. Randy just needed to remember that they were supposed to be in this together.

::

It wasn’t hard to make the small changes he wanted - all without Randy really noticing. They may have been ghosts, but it wasn’t too difficult to grow out his hair into a nice, short ponytail. It earned him a few odd looks when Randy first saw it, but he didn’t question it, in the end.

After that, it was easy. Black started replacing the gray in his wardrobe before it began replacing the purple, as well. It was so much nicer to look down and see himself wearing black instead of that dismal gray he had fooled himself into liking.

Soon he began wearing his knife pouch again, the pouch firmly strapped to his leg and in just the perfect reach of being able to grab a knife out of it. If he started carrying the knives again, too, well… Randy never said anything.

Then he started humming that song that had been hidden for so long and even that fell on deaf ears. Oh, Andrew certainly saw the looks he was given, but Randy never did anything to stop him, and Andrew had never brought it up.

“Andrew?” He tried, occasionally, but never for long. “Are you, uh… Did your coat get damaged or anything? The purple one? I could fix it up for you, if you want.”

“I just thought I could use some change,” Andrew smiled, the smile soon dropping. “Do you not like it?”

“It’s just… familiar, is all.” The comment had Andrew fighting to hide a smirk. Poor White Fang had been chained away for far too long, this time. Andrew needed to start pulling him out. He must have gotten lost in his thoughts, because Randy took his silence as an end to the conversation. “Nevermind. I guess it’s just my imagination.”

“I know what you’re thinking,” Andrew muttered, letting the tears come to his eyes – tears that he knew were acidic. “Do you really think I would go back to that so easily?” Randy had never responded to his tears, but White Fang always answered.

“No- Andy, that’s not what- Of course not.” Randy struggled through the words, but Andrew could see the flash of White Fang curled up in his eyes. Andrew wanted him back. He was so sick of this charade of pretending they were normal.

“Don’t bother. I know what you think of me.” Andrew walked off, giving Randy something to think about as he soon went back to humming. He had no doubt it wouldn’t be long now.

::

It wasn’t supposed to be like this, though. When it happened, it wasn’t supposed to be like this. It was supposed to be the Priest and White Fang standing together, claws ready to strike and fangs ready to tear. They were supposed to be a team. They were meant to be a team.

It wasn’t supposed to end with Andrew pinned to the ground and a hand around his throat cutting off any hope of air. If he were human, Andrew had little doubt that he would already be dead. “You stupid child.” There was no Randy on top of him. There was only a ferocious White Fang with nothing except hatred in his eyes.

Andrew couldn’t drag in the breath he needed to form words, forced to do nothing but stare up at White Fang as he pressed him down into the ground, blood (or was it ectoplasm?) covering them both. White Fang had been many things, but he had never been angry. This was anger. This was anger.

“We could have been happy. We were surviving. Why would you take us back.” The words were hissed in French, a language that had once meant warmth and comfort and now only filled Andrew’s stomach with cold dread. “You stupid, stupid child.”

It took longer than he wanted, but it wasn’t just anger in White Fang’s eyes. It was White Fang’s anger, but it was Randy’s fear. Did… he really not want to return to how they used to be? He had never complained in the past. Did Andrew really push him so far that he hadn’t even been able to say no?

There was hatred in White Fang’s eyes and fear in Randy’s. Andrew couldn’t breathe and there was ectoplasm (blood) covering them with old weapons just in reach. Andrew could only stare as he took it all in, utterly surprised, because, well. White Fang’s hatred he could have handled, but Randy’s fear of him?

The hand around his throat loosened, White Fang gone and Randy left looking at him with shaking shoulders. “We could have been happy, Andy.”

Well… If Andrew was reduced to nothing but the murderer, then at least he had a liar standing beside him.

[teanaoverton]

still swimming.

i thought the first year of law school was suppose to be the toughest.  that was not the case for me. 

this past semester, the first of my 2L year was the most trying experience of my life. and sheesh, i have dealt with a lot of experiences. 

before we go any further, i think its important to tell you a little about myself and warn you of some contents that this post will contain. 

i am brutally honest. i dont believe in sugar coating the truth, and so i wont.  this post may be triggering to anyone who has every experienced sexual assault and/or sexual harassment. this post is my truth. and if you havent noticed by now, i do not like capital letters or formal punctuation. and i also cant spell. 

anyway, back to the story. 

the beginning of the semester started off rocky. i worked for my school and assisted with many task including orientation for the first year students and the title ix policy updates (thanks betsy *eyeroll*). 

unfortunately, i had to use that title ix policy. 

at the end of july, my key card to get in and out of my school’s parking deck was not working properly. i expressed my concern to a security officer. instead of walking to the gate, he walked with me to the parking deck and followed me to my car. we were the only two in the parking deck. 

while at my car, he asked me on a date. i was not interested in the slightest. but hey, im a girl all alone in the parking deck with a security guard. i had just heard about a woman getting killed for rejecting a man. and i sure tf have no lived enough to die. so i told him that school was starting soon and i did not have time. smooth escape i thought. and i also thought that would be it, i was wrong. 

the next week, i left the second floor (where i worked) to go downstairs and get a snack from the vending machines. he saw me and ran to try and pay for my snack, thoughtful gesture, but i refused as i did not want to lead him on. he then followed me to the elevators and handed me a note with his number on it. 

i had to cross paths with him to get to work, and he would make comments to me. once in particular troubled me.“you dont work on wednesdays, we could go out on a wednesday.” and that is when a red flag went off for me. 

why do you know my work schedule? ive already said i wasnt interest, why are you still actively pursing me? so i told my friend/co-worker about the interactions and asked her to walk me to my car.

while working late one evening, he came to the suite and started talking and staring. it was after hours and he was no longer on the clock. the other security officer on duty was probably home with his feet kicked up by this hour. instead of doing the same... he came to “see what was going on.” being aware of the situation and that i was uncomfortable, my friend engaged in the conversation so i didnt have to. bless her. 

during orientation, we had leftover food. my boss at the time asked me to take some to the security officers. my friend and i locked eyes knowing i sure tf was not about to lead this man on by any means. so, that is when i told my boss at the time that i was good off doing that. if you know who my boss was, you know she will get the truth out of you. 

one thing lead to another and boom, the incidents were reported to HR. who i was required to meet with. during the first week of classes, i met both HR and my boss to reassure them that i was not looking to get a black man fired, i just wanted to be left alone. 

time went by, nothing happened. i still was uncomfortable passing the security desk. i would have friends walk with me to the car so i wouldnt be alone bc guess who did rounds in the parking deck, yeah. you guessed it, him. 

unfortunately, my request was not fulfilled. he did not leave me alone. i was required to do a tabling event for work. guess where that tabling event was? right across from the security desk. gr8!!! he looked at me and loudly started saying "i shouldn't have to come to work and be uncomfortable.” he said this several times, causing others in the area to look and see what was going on. 

again, the tabling event was for work (different job btw). i was sitting next to my boss who was unaware of the previous interactions. she too asked “why is he screaming like that?” 

i sat there in shock. in silence. and on the clock, so i couldnt leave. 

why. should. he. have. to. come. to. work. and. feel. uncomfortable.

that was it, my breaking point. i felt unsafe. i expressed my concerns to the appropriate parties. eventually time went on and he was transferred. 

shortly after, repressed memories of my childhood rape surfaced during a therapy session. along with many thoughts: was i over exaggerating? did i lead him on in anyway? could i have done more to let him know i wasnt interested before reporting the incidents? was this my fault? 

guilt. 

i lost track of what was happening in real life because i was so distracted by the thoughts in my head. but as soon as i gained back some control, real life hit me again. my legal writing assignment had been posted. and guess what the topic was? sexual harassment in the work place. 

you mean to tell me, i have to do research, write a brief, and have an oral argument about sexual harassment? shit, someone call my therapist. 

i wrote some shit on some paper. and that was that.  what was happening in my classes? no clue.  what was happening in my life? no clue.  what was going on in the world? no clue. 

i got lost again. 

i just wanted to float and let the current carry me for awhile. i wanted to watch the clouds chase each other into different corners of the sky like freed kites who never worry about the meaning of away. i wanted to float. ive been swimming so long. 

but my thoughts eventually had an off switch and i was good again. then guess what? 

kavanaugh. 

here we fucking go again. 

the student body president signed an aba petition to conduct an impartial hearing on kav. and for some reason, some students were pissed. so they took it upon themselves to write a petition to have the sba president remove his name from the aba petition and issue an apology. 

i need you to pay very close attention for this part. 

i sat in class triggered. surrounded by people signing this petition while tears poured down my face. how fucking disgusting are you people. 

now the only reason i know what the petition actual was is because i am in sba. otherwise, i would have no clue it ever existed. want to know why? because the students who wrote the petition never asked me to sign it. trust me, i am not offended. in fact, im honored that they knew better than to bring some bullshit like that to me. but what was upsetting, when another student asked what was going on (why everyone was gathered looking at the petition), the authors of it said  “we’re just looking at some stuff about aba accreditation.” 

baby, if you gonna talk about it. be about it. smh. 

the petition surfaced. and the names on it, wow. people i looked up to. people i considered role models. women who are allegedly advocates for women. women in general. even a few self-proclaimed feminist.

wow. the names. 

so many people who have reached out to me when i told my story about being raped as a child. so many people i believed would be there for me if i asked for help dealing with the recent sexual harassment. so many frauds. 

their names, they were on it. big and bold.  

i didnt want to float anymore. i wanted to drown. 

i was suffering. isolating myself from everyone. i did the absolute bare minimum. i distanced myself from my family, my friends, from everyone around me. 

i didnt read for any of my classes.  i stopped caring.  i had thoughts about dropping out of school.  i still have the withdrawal email in my draft. 

i want to give someone credit for helping me through this, but i cant. this ocean, its so big. but hell, i havent drowned yet. 

meanwhile, im still swimming.

[sulkyshot]

svt cry

this made me feel sm, the hurt and even shivers,,, maybe I crave this kind of affecrtionm,,, these thoughts that go naturally as I thought of normal are apparently something more in the worst way.... i don't know what to do,,, bc I don't think it counts where it becomes a big wave sometimes and other times it almost isnt even there,,, so does it even count when its rlly bad at certain times and not all the time,,,maybe, when its not bad or I feel at peace, I think I might just be dramatic over all of it,,,then other people have it worse so idk how I wouldn't be a burden bc it I sometimes do feel a burden when liz guilt trips all her issues every once in a while , and when paulina only comes to me when in distress,,, I worry and now I sound like an ass but haven't I had enough,,,I' used to always be there from them before but im tired, so now its every once in a while and I feel shitty for that bc it isnt their fault when they need to vent.....

ig thats why i read some of these angst, bc it makes me feel a pain that others can go through and I can learn in how to recover and support, while also helping myself feel something that isn't my own drowning worthlessness and rechazo.

but this fic made me tear up and almost break down esp after ~~~I-I-I-I-I-I~~~ and befrer with his own pov

you see i dont read these bc Im like festishing them or wtv ,,, i don't connect them to their irl selfs ik how separate the real person with the fictional, but in using their names i can already have made up more personal persnolity and deeper connection to them esp when its a sort of alt universe where they're still idols ,,, now that i say it out loud it doesn't sound as convincing but i know myself and what I'm doing kinda,,,

[echoingarmy]

the death of a bottle of cheap, pink wine every friday because tomorrow’s finally saturday, so nobody cares and i can just lay in bed and wallow in self-hate. and the odd dancing until i cant feel anything but music, even though ive always hated dancing. still do. 

the piano recordings of my favourite band’s songs because i need time to think, i need space for my own thoughts and lyrics are distracting but i cant stand the silence, i need background noise every second of my life because even when there’s time for some thinking i can’t live with just myself. and always somehow accompanied by the bitter desire to play the piano, the thing that i never got the chance to learn even though its my favourite sound in the universe. 

the endless list of things to watch, read, listen to, find out more about, learn. the list i never actually wirte up, just keep bookmarked in the browser or sadly shoved in the corner of my mind. things that im excited and curious about, things i know i want to do. but never actually get around to them because im never in the right mood, am too tired, it would require too much attention and energy that i dont have. id rather watch the thing ive watched four times already. forget about the fact that my memory is shit and im basically incapable of memorizing new things currently and with a sense of accomplished, assured success.

the frustration of my own indecisiveness, no ability whatsoever to make a decision. or making a decision - seeing it didn’t turn out bad, im having a good time actually. but id still rather be home, alone, in front of my laptop and just not with you. or anyone else, its not personal, baby, i just hate everyone. or maybe i hate myself so much that i cant imagine anyone ever possibly wanting to spend time with me, so i always feel like an uncomfortable burden and i dont want to subject anyone to that. 

the line i just read on a blog i havent visited for months ‘fight or flight, but nobody ever talks about just freeze‘ and the realization that for me it’s barely ever fight or flight, it’s either flight or freeze. and in most cases i freeze. freeze instead of making a dream come true, freeze instead of eating, freeze instead of watering my plants, freeze freeze freeze. i could still technically simply do those things, but i choose not to. i leave myself hanging in the lack of decision, waiting - never knowing for what. 

not saving any money, spending what i have on useless things that maybe very temporarily make me faux-happy because whats the point in saving, really? its not like i have that much of a future to make it count.

the unhealthy realtionship with death that is the most resonating remainder of years of depression. the im not actively suicidal anymore, dont worry thats not entirely true because yes, i dont take two steps closer to the railways every time i see a train coming. yes, this is probably the happiest ive ever been in my life. yes, i am excited for many things that are going to happen sometime soonish. but im also desperate for an end, im desperate to know how long ill have to keep all of this up. 

the repetitive is it worth it, constantly in my head, the ugly awareness that there are so little things that make me happy for long enough. waiting for the best day of my life? what if it’s already happened? what if what i got so far was the peak, what if. 

the almost ten hours every day - going to work. a good job, an easy one, fitted to my abilities and limitations. somewhat challenging but managable for someone like me. but what about those almost ten hours of i dont want to be here. what about the 8-8-8 system thats supposedly eight hours of work, eight hours of social life and eight hours of sleep? thats all bullshit. eight hours of work actually mean i have to get up at 6, spend an hour on getting ready for work and then commuting for almost another hour. and after work i still have to go back home, i cant just teleport and be free. social life requires too much - energy, awareness, emotions - so i stay home, get online and drown in things that arent real in the context of my eistence. yes, theyre very real as lifes separate to mine, but the correlation is broken here. they affect my entire being, but i have no bearing on anything outside my screen. i cut on sleep to stay in the cyber-reality, countless words seeping through my tired brain, sounds, notes and screams filling my head. 

the imperative to call my father because if i dont he will get pissy again and nobody wants that. i suffer every time i even think about him, talking to him is excrutiating because every word coming out of his mouth is a lie, a skewed piece of reality that is all in his brain. gaslighting, abuse and drunken guilt-tripping all veiled under a murmured i will always love you and your sister no matter what. fuck you.

him. being nice to me for some reason, maybe genuinely liking me, probably just needing me for that one thing and then ready to throw me away. i can see how different we are, how much our lives dont meet in almost any aspect of what matters. and thats okay, its alright to have different opinions and interests and personalities - its what makes us human and interesting. but how do i tell you i can never see myself with you? how do i tell you i already know we dont fit? youll laugh it off, youll call me out on my pessimism, youll say you cant know unless you try. but baby, i have already tried. not with you, with other people. and it always ends the same way. alone. how do i tell you i still want you to kiss me, regardless of all that.