#dont think i'll be sleeping tonight
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the umbrella academy season 4 came and murdered my entire family
its 3 am i just finished the last episode.
#im in shambles#dont think i'll be sleeping tonight#how much does a lobotomy cost#the umbrella academy#TUA#tua season 4#netflix
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OKAAYYYY LETS GOOOO
#i return. soggy and scrubbed. what a TERRIBLE way to describe a shower good lord#i will probably play only a little bit (famous last words...) because i want to actually sleep a decent amount tonight LOL#but anyways lets dive in >:3 idk what im gonna name my starter yet... I'll see if it comes to me in the spur of the moment like Henry's did#once again if u dont want to see me liveblogging PLEASE block the tag ''dandy.exe'' for your health and safety#i will try very hard not to spam but sometimes i get rly into liveblogging bc i do it so rarely fhdkdl#dandy.cmd#dandy.exe#i wonder if making it a thread would be good? nah i think that'd clog ppls dashboards even worse bc it'd end up being a bunch of long posts
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WIFEY. WIFEY ARRIVED TODAY
I CAN FINALLY SQUEEZE THE T1 SCRUNKLY
AAAAAA I'M SO HAPPY LOOK AT THEM BOTH THEY'RE SO CUTE
#🐺🐏;;#I'M GONNA SLEEP WELL TONIGHT#I always sleep holding the t2 kotoplushie but now I can sleep holding both kotoplushies <3#kind of a shame how her ears dont have piercings like the t2 one but oh well...#also yes I showed the acrylics in the bg on purpose#not rlly related but I got a lot of new merch that I'll prob show once it all arrives#though now I don't dare to check my bank account lmao#aaaaaaaa I'm so happy rn !! <3<3<3#god I love her so much#merch and stuff aside#sometimes I just think about how happy she makes me and it's like. woah. holy shit#anyway gonna stop gushing bc this will turn very cheesy if I don't
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I will be honest tho me being single again is great news for enjoyers of my writing. I'm already thinking of all the writing I can catch up with now that I'm not dedicating a day or two every week to spending time with someone. I'm thinking about this weekend and yeah I'll spend time with friends probs but not in person and that makes all the difference. I'm gonna do so much fucking writing just you guys wait.
#speculation nation#not every occasion took the whole day but if i spend time with anyone in person at all#well now that just takes all my mental energy for the day. you must understand.#it's the getting ready and going out and talking etc etc like it's fun but it sure does take a lot of energy#and i'll be glad to be able to focus on my writing again. aka what's Truly important to my heart...#also yeah yeah im going to sleep now. gonna take a melatonin bc i dont think sleep is happening otherwise tonight.#brain too active. too many thoughts. i sure am thinkin them.
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it is so goddamn tiring being plural. how do i fucking explain this to our family. Mom's gonna be home in a few minutes
#i can't tell her the real reason we were crying because:#1. she'll call us insane#2. i dont FUCKING REMEMBER WHAT HAPPENED!!!!!#i can see the main tree again at least. headspace's back online a lil bit. VERY dim here. but it's something.#I'll hunt that bitch down tonight while we try to sleep. I'm SO tired. 🙄#pk;m heart💜#our eyes fucking sting god i cannot stand this shit. maybe if i lie and say we're tired she'll leave us aloneeeee we'll see!#cuz that IS true. i think we could use a nap rn#oh well . youtube time.
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the worst part is i wont be able to sleep at all even if i stop working because i cant sleep without my sleeping pills but if i take them after 10pm (we can maybe go for 12 on weekends) that's just gonna be a disaster i am just gonna hibernate
#ideally they should be taken no later than 9 but let's face it i never do that lol#but for real i cant sleep without them so i dont think i'll sleep tonight at alllll#sorry to my followers ive been complaining about this for like 3 days now omg#i need to vent SOMEWHERE since i am not telling this to anyone irl
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Trying to make my brain do anything today has just been case after case of 'well, half-assed is better than nothing I guess.'
#text post#idk why i have such bad post-survey mental dips every time but I always do#literally last night before end of my shift was like okay brain. it's ok that we aren't working after this. this is fine.#there's another survey in two weeks (for ONCE they told us in advance) and in the in between other things I can do to keep making some mone#and I felt really confident abt that at that point! wish that confidence hadn't been so misplaced bc I did in fact spiral#was actually exhausted enough to just eat shower and sleep after work but the shower was just a big spiral w/crying and scrubbing lmao#whatever. did a mini vid in the new outfit i have for the side job and will do dishes tonight#plus I'll get my shot done bc that's a day late now too#prolific and cloud i got a bit done too and i'll keep checking those thru the night#i actually wanna play gta for a bit & try it with the controller but i feel guilty every time i so much as look at steam so. we'll see#i just need to do something else useful today bc tomorrow will be a full filming day most likely so. gotta make today useful too#I know it must sound like im not really trying to work with my brain on this but i shit u not#this is my brain when im actively employing coping skills and other things to try and counteract the 'work or die' mindset#i dont know how to make it any better and at this point I don't think I can#this was baked into me as a kid lmao bc even playing needed to have a point/story/some goal to achieve#or why the fuck was i playing with my barbies or metal toy cars or dinosaur and horse figurines to begin with#im rambling to put off doing the dishes ignore me lmao
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Pray for me. I have to make a completed storyboard and skript for a shortfilm with in lees than 24 hours. ON A SCHOOL DAY! I have like one scene mapped out, and the teacher is strickt with gades!
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im so. sleepy
#i travelled all day today and now im jst. falling asleep on my chair#i think i'll go to sleep and . well#i dont think i'll be making gifs tonight . i'll leave it for royal rumble#delfi.txt
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let's start doing all the things i should have done all day at 00:40
#i need to pack and shower#and i have to wake up in the morning#so i dont think i'll be getting much sleep tonight#and obviously im the one to blame#jo says stuff#personal ramblings
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My gf just said that if she was sick, I was the only medicine she ever needed and now I'm sitting on the couch and malfunctioning very heavily
#mona's sessions#I DONT KNOW WHAT TO SAY#i booped her nose cause my brain couldn't process all that affection#dont worry shes here just sleeping on me#Its date night tonight!#gonna make some pasta together#yay#shit i think we ran out of oregano#its fine I'll make do
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lately my only goal w my writing sessions is just to do whatever i need to feel good and set myself up for success w the next writing session and it feels kind of like basic advice but i seriously never gave specific focus to that and it's kinda life changing lol
#like i'll have specific goals like finish this story draft or write this many words finish this scene/chapter etc#but if i dont feel like i can make that happen i try not to see it as a failure and just reroute it into#okay what do i need to do to make sure i get closer to that tomorrow#or will make it easiest for me to get back into it tomorrow/what will set me up for success tomorrow#actually v clearly focusing on THAT instead of focusing on what i DIDNT do right now makes the whole#thing feel easier overall AND makes me feel like i can actually continue to get closer to Finishing The Thing#and i make it very tangible like how much do i need to write that also accommodates my abilities today. or do i just need to write a quick#outline or just the first line etc#i dont think im gonna finish this micro first draft tonight so i thought what can i do that will help ensure i (hopefully) can tomorrow#and it was just write all the lines that are in my brain out on the page. like no matter what i can do that n i probably can do more#like i have specific goals and self imposed deadlines so im trying to get things done by certain times but giving myself grace with it so i#dont burn myself out in the process#also trying to plan in advance so i never Have to do something By The Next Day that i dont think i can do#this is what helped me finish my dissertation LOL#i realised it was far more beneficial to not force myself over my limits for that day but set myself up for success the next day#i would be like “i need to do this but i know it will be easier to do it with a refreshed mind tomorrow”#and i kept thinking “getting a good nights sleep will help me more tomorrow than forcing myself to write/edit more”#“so i have less to do tomorrow”. like okay maybe id have less to do but id also have less brain power bc i overexerted myself!#which then turned into okay what else can i do to ensure success tomorrow etc#like im tired tonight! my brain isnt working! but i know i can do things that will make me more motivated to write tomorrow#and that in itself is a success. no failure in writing as long as you are taking care of and helping yourself#instead of isolating every writing session into a single Okay How Much Can I Do Today#but acknowledging how a string of writing sessions work together. some have more production some dont#and working with that
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this is the ONLY time i will ever be mentioning this but i made a kofi for tips, if you like my art/writing and wanted to donate anything at all it would mean the whole world to me
#i promise i'll never bring this up again or promote it or shove it down peoples throats#ive debated doing this for years and i feel really bad about it but. im not going to go around asking for or expecting money#i have never asked for money in my life i was taught never to take money ever at all and im not going to complain abt my money problems#bc i try not to do that and again i dont want anyone to think i like. expect ppl to give me money that i absolutely have not earned#but other people do it so. maybe i can and idk if i will sleep tonight from guilt BUT. its fine#GOD im going to vomit my mother would smack me to the moon and back if she knew i was doing this. i must repent#anyway :3
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why does scheduling my work days give me so much stress and anxiety
#i was supposed to do my first day at the high school today but i had literally so much anxiety i could not fall asleep last night no matter#what. i had so much dread. i took so much melatonin lol.#i could shut my brain off till i went into the application and deleted my schedule for the day#ive just been feeling so fatigued and exhausted since i got covid it's crazy. sometimes i'll have bursts of energy where im productive#but yesterday i was just so tired from loading the washing machine. just. fucking sorting clothes and putting them in#that i had to lie down on the floor for a few minutes in the middle of it#not my finest moment#tales from diana#i didn't have anything scheduled for tomorrow and i thought 'maybe if i feel better tonight ill call in'#but i dont feel. super better tonight. and the only thing that i could do tomorrow at my preferred school is kindergarten subbing#for like the main classroom teacher. which i havent done before so i figured 'yeah im not gonna get my anxiety up 2 days in a row'#i deserve to sleep tonight after all and i think if i committed to that i wouldnt be able to#but i am going into my elementary school on wed-thur-friday of this week. wednesday is only a half day but they'll probably find smth for me#to do in the afternoon. they usually do. and im fine w that.#idk im just much more comfortable in my elementary school. i guess bc ive worked there before and i went to school there#as a wittle student waaaay back in the day. like i know the building and it doesn't scare me and i know a good amount of kids there#and the staff don't intimidate me. so yeah.#i did schedule my first job at the high school FOR REAL THIS TIME and it's next friday. hopefully ill be doing better by then.#im working the thursday before it at the elementary so i'll be in the rhythm of that. idk how to explain it but it's harder to go back#to work when ive taken a day off. like that's also why im not going in tomorrow.#friday (4/07) was the first day i worked since i got covid and that was fine but also. i was so anxious just to go in.#and so so so so tired when i got home. and all weekend.#yeah i wasn't ready to start working at the high school today. that was nonsense.#hopefully all will go well on wednesday thursday and friday of this week. im trying to restore my energy and fix my sleep. thatll do wonders#i hope. i hope i hope i hope
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Had the most exhausting day ever
#i feel likw crying but ik i feel shitty bc im sleep deprived and dehydrated so it would be stupid to cry#if i chug some water and sleep early tonight I'll be fine#maybe.#see thats the thing part of this is unrelated to my physiological needs#i had a chem lab today and i felt so awkward and tired the whole time#im so bad at socialising but i tried so hard#wait correction: I'm actually good at faking sociable but today something was off#and i felt like this girl in my lab was overpowering or something like she just threw me off#i felt insecure probably because she was assertive and thats usually what im like#but bc im not very good at chemistry its not like i could be more outspoken.. like i never had anything to add anyway#she was nice but she clearly knew how to lead so i felt awkward and stupid#so yeah she didn't do anything wrong i just felt like i seemed pathetic the whole time#also i feel so alone at uni i feel like. well#i feel like most people believe the fake put together image I've curated#and those who dont.. it feels like they see right through me#like they think im pathetic.. but also thats just me assuming they see through me and dislike me#so. 😁 i recognise that that is an unhelpful thinking style#idk i feel alone a lot#today someone was casually nice to me and it felt genuine and i felt this#like.#i realised how desperately i just wanted a friend to lean on when i feel tired#god i sound lame idk 😐#z.post
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Been thinking a lot about annuum my beloved
#I think I might draw them tonight#yeah that sounds fun#fuck... i committed to bringing food to the brunch potluck at work tomorrow#fuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuck#whats something super simple and quick I could make.....#hmmmm I'm out of a lot of ingredients....#and nowhere around is open this time of night#hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm#orange juice? id I'll pick up orange juice and a fruit platter...#or... OR#I technically do have flour - fuck wait I'd have to do more dishes#nvm#yeah I'm just gonna say i was out of most ingredients#which is true#The only flour i do have is my really expensive flour#and I dont want to use that#although... i do have sourdough starter#nah I think everyone will understand if i was too tired and out of ingredients#so imma just chill i think? I stressed myself out just now thinking about cleaning#yeah I need to just like vibe and go tf to sleep#odt
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