#dont really feel i can improve it much anymore so ill post it like this

[scribz-ag24]

a spirit so bright it blinds

[terraliensvent]

Not a vent’ asking a question. Out of genuine curiosity do you actually like Terraliens as a species? A majority of CS vent blogs seemingly want the species to die or fail as an end result.

Isn’t the whole point of vent blogs to give people a space to actively point out problems to make the community better as a whole. Reblog to make it die faster or run out of the community feels conflicting to what the blog is actually supposed to achieve. Do you want it to get better? It seems like you do. Or are you actually hoping it gets worse to increase engagement.

So general question would be do you hate Terraliens? What’s the end goal for you? 🤔

this is a loaded question for me at the moment haha

personally, ive been in terras since april 2023, so basically since the start. ive seen every controversy pretty much first hand, was an avid reader of the terra blogs previous to mine, and terras was the first species i put my whole heart in and tried to interact with the community in. initially i really wanted the species to get better, when they had the suggestion threads i was an avid poster

then over and over again mods just kept failing in the simplest of ways. this blog was made february of 2024, a few months after the first psa and ownership change. i still thought terras could be good but there were just too many blockers, esp from coy and civ after learning some behind the scenes info from the psa

then the Reckoning came and i hoped it really would go down, if only that meant making the species totally open

when tycho became owner i really was hopeful considering the facts that previous mods completely disavowed vent blogs like mine, but shortly before he became owner tycho reached out to ask my thoughts on stuff around the species (you can see that in my post about The Reckoning), when the species fell in his lap i honestly thought there was going to be big change. for a while there was, like new assets in the item channels, feedback forms, etc. but then there were also the nagging issues that never went away from before, like hiring friends for staff, weird unspoken rules, and a horrible approval process

for the past few days ive been thinking, man this really doesnt seem like its worth it. the same issues are starting to pop up again, and the mods currently just twist and turn making up their justifications for moving the goalpost. i dont like a lot of the new designs, dont really have any myos i want to make, and im not pulled in by the new events.

my end goal initially when making this blog was that i wanted terras to get better and make the easy changes everyone wanted, but now i think the better course of action would be for it to die. make it an open species and just let people run with it, because over the 2 and a half years of this species there has never once been such an attitude of unity and happiness among terra community than on that one night in april where the species WAS open.

honestly? im days away from voiding all my terras and fucking all the way off (ill still stay in the server though, i couldnt imagine anyone else running this blog and i think its become a necessary place for everyone. i imagine there would be at least some outcry if i were to shut it down, lol). once i finish my current obligations, im trading all my shit. its exhausting to have been doing this back and forth for improvement for over 2 years now, and its just so much more effort than its worth when i could be putting my whole heart into other up-and-coming projects. it hurts when a thing you really loved and found happiness in just has too many glaring issues to ignore

i think its a bad look when most of your oldest members who have been there since near day 1 decide this shit isnt worth it anymore and want to be done with it. its a bad look when someone who cared so much to make full essays about this species on an entire blog dedicated to it decides that its just not worth trying to "fix" anymore.

and i kind of hope a lot of other members come to that same conclusion and cause it to die.

[jintatk]

when i die

ive been struggling to collect my thoughts but i realised if i was writing like i was going to die, ill say everything i want. i hope i dont die, but these days it really feels like its the only way out. no one ever reads my posts here anyway so i can say everything.

Z, you're the apple of my eye. you are everything to me. I've realised that I don't love you like most people love. it really is unconditional. I've tried to explain my love for you to other people but I don't think i did a good job. let me try now: I don't love her for how she treats me, what she gives me, how good she looks, how cute she acts, how our humour matches, how i feel like I'm home whenever I'm with her, how she makes my heart flutter or how it seems like we can never run out of things to talk about. I thought I loved her because of that, and that's how everyone thinks i love her. But I've come to realise that I don't love her because of those things, I love her along with those things. I realised that if my sweet girl who loved fart jokes is gone and she wanted to be a party girl who goes to clubs daily i would still love her, if she got fucked by a ton of guys during our time apart, as much as it hurts to hear, and it would really really really tear up my soul if that happened, i would still love her, if after all that she did drugs and was struggling with addiction and she treated me like a ghost who was never a part of her life, i would still love her. if after all that she came to me and said "im lost, help me jinta" i would embrace her so tightly with tears going down my face and treat her the same as the cute princess she was when she left me. I realised no matter how much she hurt me, how much im disgusted by her actions, how much she changes as a person or how much i hate her. i would still choose her.

but at the same time while i love her unconditionally, i also love her intensely, very intensely. there isn't a second that goes by without her in my head and i really mean that literally. its very bad. i dream about her every time i sleep, no matter what i do I'll feel anxious and uneasy because i know this eternal love will never ever be reciprocated or satisfied. i can barely function. my chest feels tight all the time, my heart always beats like crazy, im tired all the time, whenever my mind wanders of for a second my subconscious thoughts of her become a train of thoughts about what couldve been, what it has been, and how its gonna be. recently with the discovery of the other boy, I've been filled with nausea and rage. I carry on like this. my heart feels like it's been overstressed, I'm scared that it'll give out soon.

i want her back now. i really do believe that we'll both be happier than ever if we get back together. I've learned so much during these weeks and i want to spend as much time as possible being her boyfriend and husband. but also i need her now. I've really wanted to improve myself as a person, I've gone to the gym and I've tried putting in time to study. but if im being honest, recently i can barely function anymore. I've realised she's not coming back anytime soon. who am i fucking kidding, shes never coming back. no matter how much good i promise her and how much I've improved, she's never coming back. and I've lost it. I've lost all strength. I've lost my will to live. I've lost my life. because she's my goal. my goal in life. she's what i want in life. if you have no chance if having what you want in life, what's the point? im delusional enough for my hope for her to never ever die out but not delusional enough to truly believe that she'll come back. ive got the worst of both worlds.

this part I've never told anyone and I'm not going to probably. it's embarrassing and for them it'll be uncomfortable to hear. my insatiable libido is making my attempt at survival 10 times worse. my urge to orgasm is so unbelievably uncontrollable yet i still haven't masturbated. i dont want to. my body urges me to orgasm but my heart does not want to. it only wants her. its not happy to do it without her. I've had wild wild thoughts about her. I've fantasized way too much about us, its not healthy. i know she hates me so much so i mostly fantasize about us accidentally interacting with each other and then hate fucking. like for example, we might stay with each other in an airbnb with our friends after exams, and i just imagine, i go to pee in the middle of the night, and when i get out of the toilet, shes right outside because she was on her way to the toilet. and we both get jumpscared by each other and then we both laugh until we realise who is the other person. then she ignores me and walks in the toilet, then i pull her out and call her a stupid slut. she pulls away but I pull her back in and i make out with her, and she gives in and we start making out. then i lift her up and bring her to the bedroom and we start fucking. i degrade her and call her a stupid slut and she submits. and i imagine after that our spark is reignited and we fall in love again. fuck just thinking about it im really having trouble containing myself here. but i dont want to fucking jerk off by myself without her. i wanna let her ruin me. please baby.

ehem. i digress.

fuck i cant handle this anymore. i know how great we'll be if we get back together but it just won't happen. and i can't live with this pain added with impossible dreams and permanently unfulfilled desires. how do i escape this? what other way.

i wrote her a long 2-part text, i have sent it to her on whatsapp as a draft because she blocked me. im too scared to send it to her because i really think this is the text that'll most likely convince her, but if it doesnt work. nothing will. and I'll be all out of hope and all out of options. if i dont make it before sending it to her, please someone send it to her. i want her to read it.

i love my parents and im eternally grateful to them for everything they've done for me and how they're trying to support me in this period. i always feel guilty when i realise i love Z so much and she's my everything, but that doesn't mean i dont love and treasure my parents a lot too. i feel like they get sad for being 2nd place in love. just like how i was sad to be 2nd place to catty for Z. but I've learnt to accept it. I've learnt to accept a lot of things now. our relationship will definitely be better just based on that fact alone but i have so many other factors that'll make us better than last time. but she won't care or listen about any of them. when i thought about the future while i was still with her, i would always dream of spending time with my family with her included. thats pretty much what I wanted in life. family and her. i cherish so many happy memories my family gave me and was so excited to make new one with her inside too.

im very grateful for my friends as well. plenty of them tried to help get me through this situation when they realised i was in pain. im happy for all the memories they gave me too. it was very fun.

life is good. but i cant live it without her. when i realised she was all i wanted, i knew it. i knew if she ever left I wouldn't be able to live. that made me scared, very scared. and honestly i think that was the biggest cause for most of my mistakes during our relationship.

lastly, im sorry. im sorry i couldn't find a reason to live anymore, im sorry i couldn't take the pain anymore, and im sorry to transfer my grieve and pain to my loved ones. just because i couldnt live anymore doesnt mean that i didnt love living with you all. i just didnt want to live for the sake of living anymore, because i didnt have something for me to want anymore.

and lastly, im sorry Z. for all the pain I've caused you. I was a stupid boy who didnt know what was love and how to love. and ive done many inexcusable things to you. and when we had a solid relationship, my fear and inexperience got the better of me and made you lose feelings for me and gain pain. and I'm sorry for saying you dont deserve me. i didnt mean it, it was really the heat of the moment. the days before the break up we were already having a rough patch, you were very cold to me, and i was filled with sadness, insecurity, and pain. it all came out wrong during that fateful day. i felt like you didnt value me and i guess you felt like i didnt value you. i was right though you dont deserve me. you didnt deserve such a bad version of me. so ive become better. ive become a version you deserve. i wished you couldve experienced it. i wish we could've experienced it, a new beginning for us. see you. I hope.

and

i love you

[irregulardiaryposts]

20:40 07/03/2024

okay wow well its been well over two years since i updated this 'diary' blog lol

so weird seeing all those old posts about being a teenager with existential thoughts lol i dont really think like that anymore, at least not so much. i guess an update is in order then lmao okay so im in my 3rd year of uni now and im doing my year abroad! doing it in a small city in spain and i really quite like my job, ive only got 14hrs, i have a 3 day weekend, the city is small so i can walk everywhere and this job really gives me a sense of purpose that ive been missing in my life. makes me really realise that university is NOT for me lmfao i was so depressed during my second year i probs went to like 20% of my classes loool. im pretty sure i mightve almost failed aswell but since the professors were doing a marking boycott they released grades without marking the final exam and so since i was already doing well enough in all my classes i passed! quite lucky i think cos i wouldve been so entirely embarrassed and ashamed if i had to repeat a year cos of mental health. i think things are better here tho my issues havent disappeard completely like eg i have these evening classes 6-7.40pm tuesdays and thursdays and for the past like month i havent attended :/ at first it was cos i was sick (i think it was covid lol either from glasgow or on the plane back idk) and then i just didnt go back to class. i think my main excuse is that that is dinner time for me and i dont wanna move dinner time lol. but also i think the class itself is just not for me i dont feel like i learn a whoooole lot while im there and learning on apps is easier for me? but i always felt better for going to the classes cos i was like ha! im not depressed would a depressed person do this!? but of course depression doesnt work like that and i think i need medicated ! but that seems too scary to say. but at least i found someone to do a language exchange with! ive only had one hour with her in spanish, which was yesterday, but i already feel like ive improved lmaooo like i literally dreamt last night in a mix of spanish and english ahahahah cos when i think about it i literally have not ever regularly spoken spanish, ive only really spoken for activies in class or speaking exams so no wonder i have 0000 confidence in my speaking abilities but im hopeful that this will really improve my speaking :) about my job i guess- i work in a high school and i really enjoy interacting with the kids they really do make every day different and more interesting so i am grateful for them but sometimes damnnn sometimes i wanna jump out the window especially with this third year class they are the class KNOWN for being a bitof a pain lol and sometimes i have to lead the class by myself lmaooo mid u ik im 20 but i dont look it and they certainly dont treat me like an adult or a teacher and ngl they are a bit disrespectful at times but also what are u gonna do they are 14 and i have no proper teaching experience to help them by myself i can only hope that im actuallt helping them learn english lol. it is quite difficult tho with my scottish accent to try and sound as clear as possible because i pronounce almost 100% of the vowel sounds differently than rp english which is what i think they are used to so i have to realllyyyy annunciate all my words and man is it tiring lol.

what else. im going to madrid this weekend with bestie and im really looking forward to having a relaxing and fun time but i still havent packed my bags looooooool i alwyas do this tho and its fine not a big deal at all but i def need to do it tonight cos im leaving tomorrow immediately after work so ill have to have an actual breakfast and take snacks with me. im really enjoying my time in spain or at least im trying to but i feel like i have pushed myself enough out my comfort zone to be able to look back on this and say yeah i really took advantage of that. like i think i need to be more personable (is that a word yes it is i used it right) in teaching and be more interactive with them and stuff also i feel like i shoulve arranged a language exchange sooner cos i think this will really help, and i need to interact more with the other assistant but the thing is is im just not a sociable personnnnnnn aghgh. any way cutting this short cos i need to pack my bags for my trupppppp

[int3rn3tp1x13]

omg.. times goes by.. UPDATESL OLZ

WOOP WOOP SUMMERS HERE BABY!!!

mini school rant(bleh) its been pretty great! i hate school so much, felt like i was going to implode any second!! I still have things to worry abt school wise but honestly, i dont think i care anymore. its summer and im gonna have fun :) RANT OVER

OMG OMG OM- so much fnaf news!!! movie!dlc!vr! eeee im literally so excited for all of it!!! and MERCH!!! i love spending money, i literally preordered the new sun&moon figures on amazon (i hope they come lol) ive already seen ppl getting theirs but i have to wait until next month to get mine :(

also update to my last post: i got fired from shca lol, which is like totally understandable. i was pretty offline for some time but it was fun! might try to be a medic again but who knows.

ALSO NEW OBBESSSINO!!!!!!!!!!!!! SPIDEEVERSE!! which im pretty sure is most ppls obsession rn. the movie was absolute amaazingness!!! BUT MY OBSESSION MOSTLY LIES WITHIN THE SPOT!!!!!!!!!!! hes my dream guy..my little meow meow omg hes literally my type.. >//< - but cringe aside his character is so cool man. understanbly the next movie is gonna take awhile to come out (jeez im probably gonna be 18 by the time it comes out..) im willing to wait ofc but i dunno if my obsession with the spot will last that long, (NO ILL LOVE HIM FOREVER!!!!!!!!(lets see if thats still true 2 months from now</3) i believe in myself, sorta..

ee well art wise i think im getting better? eh ive been a bit unhappy with my art lately, i just dont think its interesting or all that pretty.. so im gonna try my hardest to improve!! though, when doing a redraw of one of my drawings from around 2021, i saw a HUGE improvement. which honestly,, made me feel better about my art. i guess its true that it can be hard to see improvement in urself unless you really compare!!! or something like that but yeah!!! keep practicing!! its advice that always rings true for the most part :)

ALSO YEAH!! another notable obsession, needy streamer overload!!!!!!!!!!!!!! KANGEL 4 LIFE....i almost got all the achievements!!! i just need two :3

i dont i missed anything else?? but yeah, life is pretty nice. its a bit lonely but who cares >o<

bye bye

[amor-brooklynn]

ᴛᴏ ᴍʏ ꜰᴏʟʟᴏᴡᴇʀꜱ-

hi, i have some bad news.

I've realized that I havent been posting or updating as much and i know why; im falling out of the DSMP and currently no longer have the motivation or the feel to write about them unless im bored, and instead ive started to join other fandoms (anime, your boyfriend, etc) which is practically taking over my liking of the dsmp (that doesn't mean i dont like the dsmp, im just not as fond of it anymore).

Due to this, ive decided im going to make a new account where instead i can write and post about my other fandoms, which i will soon add here when my account is fully ready and set up.

I understand that I haven't been writing for a very long time. which is... not surprising in my defense. Ive been in the dsmp for way longer than i have been writing so its no surprise that im falling out of it before ive even really gotten far on my blog.

this doesnt mean that im going fully inactive, i might drop by a couple greetings and updates, and if i ever feel like it maybe a couple fics every now and again.

im sorry to those of you who sent requests and i never posted them -- ive been very overwhelmed lately which makes it hard for me to ever want to really do anything in general.

I dont necessarily feel like i really need a masterlist because i havent been writing for very long so i dont have much (and my links arent working for some reason but i'll figure it out when i can) but ill be sure to keep it posted on my blog.

thank you to anyone whos been with me from beginning to end; the amount of love and support i received from my short time here was immaculate and i simply cannot thank you guys enough, really, it means a lot.

I think that this blog has overall helped me improve me writing, and i genuinely hope that some of you would be interested in checking my new blog out once its ready, because i will miss you guys.

anyways, as said thank you guys for the support and almost 200 followers! (really, thats insane) i hope that you guys enjoyed this exceptionally short journey as much as i did.

remember to take care of yourselves, eat, drink some water, get some rest, and take everything one day at a time. always feel free to talk to me if needed.

[update: here is my new blog name, i hope to see some of you there!

URL: kennedys-slut]

i hope everyone understands. thank you all. <3

[deleteddewewted]

Incel!Shinsou x F!Reader fanfic idea (Part 2)

So here we are, Incel!Shinsou is back and this time with a bit of growth that he needs to make independently (While thinking about the reader of course. Thank you so much to @blossominglark for sending in such a lovely message! Also here you can find a small explanation as to why i even started the Incel!Shinsou series.)

"I think I want you. I think you're bad. I think you're good, it's like the love I never had. I think I need you. Oh God, it's true. I think I'm falling and there's nothing I can do" - Beetlejuice Chill by Life After Youth

Part 1: Incel! Shinsou x F!Reader

Part 3: Incel!Shinsou x F!Reader (1/2)

How difficult could it be? To forget that you ever existed... thats what's haunting Shinsou ever since the conversation you two had a few days ago. He cant seem to focus anymore, everything just reeks of you. (His own bedroom where you two would sit on the floor and work on your project together. You would laugh at something that came on the television, every time resulting in his face heating up and heart beating harder at the sound, the beautiful sound, of your laughter. It doesn't feel the same anymore. He cant sit or sleep there anymore.) Shinsou starts speaking with Aizawa more, to be honest its not like Aizawa gave him that much of a choice. He needed to understand what was happening with his son and you in order to help or bring some constructive input.

Shinsou goes on and on about how he mocked you to his "friends". When questioned on his "friends" he said that they were all telling him that you needed to be taught how to be a "proper woman" the "perfect girl for them".

("Hitoshi what-...why would you...?"

"I don't know! It made sense when i was young and- i... i dont understand how or why and...please just- help me i dont understand!"

"It's ok, it's ok, come here." Aizawa hugs Shinsou tightly. He starts running his hand over Shinsou's hair comforting him.

"What did you show them? What did you tell them about...her, exactly?") A mess of tears and regrets, thats what Shinsou is. A puddle which he somehow drowned you in out of a bitter rage that had nothing to do with you.

Aizawa finally holding a grasp as to how Shinsou's mind worked, he couldn't help but feel defeated. He neglected his son so much he became bitter and resentful towards the wrong people, the wrong person. (Aizawa only ever told Shinsou that his mother moved away from them because it was "too much for her". Young Shinsou couldn't grasp why his mom would leave him, but again he never really asked questions since he saw how upset it made his dad. "Dont worry Hitoshi, ill be here for you no matter what. Got it, problem child?") An intervention needs to be made now. To prevent even more damage, to keep his son safe and his sons ex-friend safe.

"Hitoshi? The posts and things you put online, you need to delete everything now." Urgency was a must, damage control needed to happen now. Who knows if Shinsou wrote about where he lived, where you lived and studied at, if he showed those "friends" of his your face. Who knows how much information he put out there to a bunch of strangers about you. "Ok, ok. Let me delete everything...yeah...thats-yeah...makes sense." He's slipping, Shinsou is slipping into a pit of shock and disgust, he needs to fix things and that only starts by wiping away years of miss informed opinions disguised as truths.

Everything is gone. No more accounts. No more pictures. No more you. He didn't make any announcements or even address why he was wiping everything. He didn't answer the piles of questions flooding his inbox about why he was doing all of this, he just didn't care anymore. He couldn't find you either. No account on any platform with any signs of you. (He should have asked for your socials, but knowing where you two started off at he thinks its better that you two didn't. It saved you from his incessant torment he saw himself being capable of.)

Week one came and went. You didn't show up for classes and people started to take notice.

"Does anyone know why y/n isn't at school anymore? Is she sick?" Midoriya asked one day. Everyone kind of just looked at each other hoping that someone might have an answer. Be it that no one other then Shinsou was in the same class as you, everyone in his friend group knew about you since you where always nice despite the way you presented clothing wise. (The clothing didn't matter nor did the labels, you were still so welcoming to everyone. Hell, you even welcomed Monoma and that guy is considered psycho by everyone.) Shinsou couldn't do anything but listen to his friends (Midoriya, Shoto, Denki, Mina, Iida, and Ururaka) go on about how nice you were. How they miss you. He misses you . He ruined this, he ruined your school experience and pushed you to lose the friends you had because of his own ignorance. He forced you to choice between showing up to school and dealing with him or not coming in at all and losing the friends you had because of him.

The Sports Festival was coming up soon, here all the students would compete against each other to show off their skills. The Festival acts more as an opportunity for the different Courses to fight each other since its focus centers on the physical strength and wellbeing of the students instead of their study of focus. It also helps with publicity by letting UA show off their students to the general public. (Shinsou didn't understand why the school would have a Sports Festival. UA was better known for being STEM and Art focused which meant that many of the students only had to take 1 year of P.E. instead of the 3 years other schools required.

"So again, what's the purpose of this?"

"Its just a chance for the different Courses to bully each other, and for the General Course to get mocked." responded Togeike. Be it that she never spent time with Shinsou, they both had a mutual attitude and just stayed away from each other out of disinterest. It wasn't after Shinsou's personality changed did she feel more comfortable being around him and started speaking to him casually throughout the day.

"So what does the Business Course do during-"

"Hey, didn't you and y/n work on that project together?" This caught Shinsou of guard. For the past week its all been about you and how you hadn't been coming to class. (You haunt him even outside of school, the guilts too much for him at times.)

"Yeah...what about it." he snarls. Just because he's changed in appearance and largely in attitude, that doesn't mean he's over the way he treats people. Cant she get to the point already-

"Geez man, i just wanted to ask if you needed her number." That...was off. Why would she assume that he needed your number?

"Why would you give me her number? Don't you think that as former project partners i would already have her-"

"You're clearly upset about her not being here, so shut up. Either take it or leave it, jackass." she bit back. How did she know? Shinsou has always had a resting bitch face which made it hard to read his emotions. How did she manage to figure it out? (God he was an asshole!)

"Yeah, please....i'm sorry. I could-"

"Please shut the fuck up, i don't want an apology from you. Take it and fix this shit. I hate seeing people mope and you're pretty much dying in a pit here." Togeike really gives no fucks and she was tired of the purple haired boy looking like a kicked puppy. She assumed it had something to do with you. When you started skipping class, Shinsou also started to look upset and wouldn't speak that often. It wasn't like Shinsou was shy, he just didn't see the need to speak all the time. So to see him become even more silent was concerning.)

He left school that day with a skip to his step. He has your number! He has a way of contacting you! Yet, he still knew that having your number wouldn't fix anything. You left him alone and it wouldn't be fair for him to barge back into your life without proving he's improving, that he's actually deserving of you're friendship at least....

The Sports Festival.....

He can prove himself to you there....

Everyone will see it, every student at UA has to be there for credit....you'll have to be there. You'll also have to participate for the start of it, so you'll have to interact with someone.

(This was it)

This was so much fun to write! Lets give this a slow build up to give him proper character development and redemption. The next part will be the Sports Festival and what he plans on doing to get you back. Let's set up that his intention is too for one, make an impression on the school for when he decides to transfer to the Art Course but also to make an impression on you and get you to notice him in a positive light. Our poor incel is trying his best ok....

[weirdlypersonalrpmemes]

sentence starters:  text posts i have saved, part 1. tw: blood, death.        

❝ i do not want romance... i just want a big sword ❞

❝ me caring is a publicity stunt ❞

❝ im not a people pleaser anymore im a huge cunt now ❞

❝ an apple a day keeps anyone away if you throw it hard enough ❞

❝ some of you need to be told to shut the fuck up more. not me tho im super funny and my tits are fucking massive ❞

❝ do you ever eat popcorn out of the palm of your own hand with such ardent desperation that you feel like both a wild horse and the gentle schoolgirl feeding it treats to gain its affection ❞

❝ when i was in therapy i once expressed to my therapist that i really struggle with having pretty much zero idea of who i am as a person + she whipped out a piece of paper and suggested that we write down different aspects of myself. and i had no idea what to say bc ‘myself’ is a concept i’m not very familiar with so she started saying about my interests and how that’s a part of me + i was like okay!! that makes sense!! so she clicked her pen and was like “you said you like video games before” and i was like sure bud :) and watched her write down, in capital letters ‘GAMER’ and i’ve never had so much terror struck into my h ❞

❝ yeah this is my character cool josé. he’s like normal josé except he didn’t fail his driving test three Times ❞

❝ “what are you gonna do, cry about it?” yes . the fuck ❞

❝ a cute girl told me she has lots of plants in her house and i told her, for some fucking reason “damn the oxygen at your place must be mad crisp” and somehow still got her number so. chase your dreams. nothing is impossible apparently ❞

❝ *don’t stop me now by queen plays as i lay bleeding to death in walmart* ❞

❝ i love when men are scared to talk to me like yes dont fucking talk to me bitch!! ❞

❝ if you ever disrespected me and i was calm bout it.. don’t trust me ❞

❝ “first one always goes to blathers” i say as i hand my new born child to the owl ❞

❝ no your honor i absolutely can make my case like an adult. first things first, fuck the defendant and fuck his family too. secondly, ❞

❝ its just me and my gay little iced coffee against the fucking world ❞

❝ ‘gays cant cook’ then what the FUCK was remy fighting for in ratatouille ? ❞

❝ gender is a performance and im doing improv comedy ❞

❝ getting fake asked out in middle school is really a whole other form of trauma ❞

❝ do you ever associate the word “girlfriend” with wlw so much that you forget straight boys have girlfriends ❞

❝ *has video game open* hm i dont feel like playing this right now actually *closes it* man i wish i was playing video game right now *opens it again* hm i dont feel like like playing this right now actually *closes it ❞

❝ when i was young i used to think having interests was important. now as an adult i see there was no need for me to ever develop a personality. feeling a little betrayed, but not sure by whom. ❞

❝ he’s not baby he’s like 25 years old & doesn’t know how to clean the sink ❞

❝ this is all because i never experienced the triumphs and defeats the epic highs and lows of high school football ❞

❝ well well well. if it isn’t my old friend, the dawning realization that i fucked up real bad ❞

❝ idont have any talent. i like to look at grass and i dont have other hobbies. when people ask me how im doing i ignore the question ❞

❝ i only set you on fire a little bit. grow up. ❞

❝ i hate this place i want to go to build a bear ❞

❝ [wearing a fake leather jacket, eating ritz crackers out of the box, reclining in a casual position somewhere i shouldnt logically be able to access] im emotionally vulnerable as shit dude ill cry on any of you ❞

[ellovett]

list of people that made this year pretty neat :)

Hi all

Ok so 2020's almost ending (it just ended i started writing this post like....5 days ago??) and i just wanted to do this thing where i have a message towards everyone who supported me/who i think are just very cool and very epic, i only really got into the twst fandom just at the beginning of the year and im just gonna get straight to the point now messages are under the cut :)

@permanentlyexhaustedowl - AYAAAA ;;;;; bro you're literally one of my first long time friends here in the twst community and i just want to thank you for everything, our convos in either public servers or in pms, your love and support for my content,,or whenever i vent to you,,,,,just- your love and support man i appreciate it so much and i cannot thank you enough, you're just so sweet and caring and supportive and friendly just aghhhhhh ;;;;; even your reblogs make me smile uncontrollably and i explode, also all the brainrots i have about my interests ;;; thanks for listening to all of them,,even tho you really didnt have to ;;;;;; I love how we make our twst ocs interact and the little brainrots we have with them ;;; You've helped me so so so much and in so many ways, I am beyond glad that we're bestfriends, you're one of the nicest most caring people ive ever met and i love you so so so much, beyond belief ;; 💕 pls never stop being you?????? You quacking amazing person??????? 😎🤙💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕💖💕

@shoujoqueensstuff - AYYYY SHOUJOOOO!!! 😎🤙🤙 hhhh you're also one of the first people ive ever had a long time friendship with here in the twst community, and seriously bitch i love you so much ;;; so so much..i cant go a day without talking to you about literally anything and just vibing, the support and love you've given me over these months is insane i cannot thank you enough for that, all of our rps, convos or just pure brainrot have been so much fun, and i fucking love it that we built our own little world outside of canon,,all the aus we built with our ocs???? I love them. I love them all to death, including your amazing ocs, and even tho we live on literally opposite sides of the world you're always there for me whenever i vent or when im feeling extremely down or insecure ;; ,,im just so so so happy and glad that i met you and that we're bestfriends, i care about you so so so so so much- hhhh i cant put it into words my brain is dying i just- i LOVE YOU BIITCH, I AINT NEVER GONNA STOP LOVING YOU, BITCH.😎💖💕💖🤙🤙💕💕💖💕 TAKE MY LOVE BITCH 💕💕💕💕💕 thank you so much for sticking around ;; i love you and support you in everything you do so much I could never ever thank you enough for the friendship you've given me..

I can literally go forever on how much i love and appreciate the both of you, i can just scream into the void for all eternity,,but i cant put it into words anymore. You both made my year so great and so epic ;;; i love you guys so much

--

-

--

Now the chaddams 😌

@thetwstwildcard - hi ma :D you're just so cool and so epic lizz ;;; i cant- all of our conversations and brainrots have been super fun and i enjoy your company very much;;; you are just so nice and friendly,, and your ocs (especially staff ocs) are god tier amazing, i will love the nrc mom squad to death. I am honored to be ur child and i love you and father claude (and my four (?) other dads you married) very much 💕💕💕

@alpyssketch - bringer of father claude,,,,i owe you my life alpy,,,,,,but no seriously you're also a very epic person and you're honestly so nice and sweet!!! You never fail to make me feel welcome in any conversation and you're just so damn friendly!!! We may not talk that often but I very much enjoy your company ;;; ily!!! 💖💖💖

@multi-ankin - another very cool and epic person!!!! you're very fun to talk to and you're also pretty funny in the vc fjfjfj, your ocs are all so amazing too! (djdjjd although my staff oc bias makes me go for kas) we should totally talk and make our ocs interact more in the future tho!!!!!! 💖💖

@just-patchy - pATCHYYY!!!! :D hi!!!! you're also a very cool person!! our interactions have been so much fun and i hope we can have more in the future ;;; the ideas you have for your ocs and how you put them into writing is so good!!! like really good!!! And your art has been greatly improving too!!! Never ever think that i dont see you as a friend because i do!! 😤😤💖💖 i care about you bro!! Never forget that!!

@bakujho - :D hi jho!! you're a lot of fun! And I THINK YOU ARE SO DAMN COOL AND BADASS it's unbelievable,,i look up to you jho i wish i could be almost as cool as you when i grow up ;;; the things you've done for this fandom are also very admirable! like the whole gravedigging (jellyfish) situation! But we're not gonna talk about it now- hhhhh you're just so epic jho ;;; seriously 💗💗

@Kurui - hhhhh you're probably not gonna see this ;;; and i cant find your tumblr (if any of the other chaddams could possibly show this to her thatd be so great ;;;) but nonetheless i still think you're just so fun and cursed ;;; and you give so many amazing ideas!!! Your ocs are all also so cool too! Your art is just so detailed you clearly put a lot of thought into them i just admire that sm ;; (also your edits are extremely cursed and epic i love them dearly-)

@twst-the-royals - JULIE :))) HELLO,,,you were actually the first ever person i spoke/interacted with in the fandom! And you were just so nice and friendly and patient with me ;;; im glad that i got to talk to you,,and we dont really talk that much now but pls pls PLEASE know that i care about you so much and that i support you in everything you do ;;; 💖💖💗💖 ill do my best to make you proud!!

@girl-in-the-tower - hey Az!!! ;;;; you're so epic and cool,,honestly i admire you so much, the lore/writing you have for your ocs/fanschools are just so well thought out and so well written ;;; i hope to become a better writer like you in the future, but for now ill just take notes and learn from you ;; you're super encouraging and supportive too!!! I know we dont talk much but i could never thank you enough for all those little yet meaningful moments ;;; 💖💖

@rikanoctrix and @mirrored-pomefiore - hi!!! i know we arent that close but just know that you two are huge inspirations for me when it comes to art, the both of you draw your styles so incredibly well and i admire that so so so much ;;; 💖

@ocean-water-tea - FATHER TEAAAAA QAQ okay so first of all,,,,how can you draw so well using ibispaint, i ask for tips, specifically on how to draw hair and tits 🤲 but seriously though you are so fun to talk to!!! So cursed!!! So ☊⊑⏃⍜⏁⟟☊!!! You encourage me to my true cryptid self (despite aya's protests 👀) and i thank you kindly,,,you are also very funny 😌 a funny little clown simp, and you're super friendly and cheerful too! I almost never feel nervous when reaching out to you ;;; I hope we can have more wacky adventures in the future 💖💖

@zonamemoryverse - HEYYY ZONAAA!!! you're a fairly new person and you've already come so far ;;; you're a very chaotic person to talk to and i enjoy all of our conversations!!! Also our interactions with our ocs were super fun too, and i love hearing any shred of content i can get from ur epic ocs,,,dont stop being epic!!! 💖💖

@namelessfish - Hi fish!!! :DD you've been a very supportive friend to me over these past few months,,and im happy i have someone i can relate my not-so-great experiences with ;;; please know that i care about you dearly and that ily ;; 💖💖💖💖

---

--

-

--

---

@wondersbeyondcompare - JFFJJF BRO DONT THINK I DONT SEE YOU WHENEVER YOU REBLOG MY CRINGY ASS POSTS 👁👁 I SEE THEM AND I CHERISH THEM ALL I REREAD THEM ON SAD DAYS. All the little tags and comments you put on them always make me smile so hard ;;; im just very happy to know that you like whatever the hell im doing and it pushes me to do more!! You're incredibly sweet, dont worry!!! Ill be sure to make you proud!!!! 😭💖💖💖

@circuscarnage - Anna!!!! We dont talk that often but whenever we do it's always so much fun ;;; you're so sweet and i appreciate you so much ;; all the stuff you drew for my ocs are all so incredibly cute and i really have to give back- jUST YOU WAIT ANNA. IM GONNA MAKE FANART OF YOUR LOVELY OCS AND YOU CANT STOP ME- 💖💖💖💖

@twistedapple - hi crow!! :DD again we dont really talk that much but i support you greatly in everything you do!!! You're another epic and cool writer ;;; your writings for your ocs are just sooooo well written and are just so good!! You're also super good at art too!! And i hope to see more from you in the future!!! ;;; 💖💖💖💖

@not-twst-enough - Ellie!!!! ;;; bro you've been supporting me from the very start, from lillet's old ass bio to now, and i very much appreciate it!!!! You're also super friendly in the twst server too ;;; and all the content you have for your ocs is just so exciting! Good luck with the fandorm and all future stuff ;;; ily!!!! 💖💖💖

@fumikomiyasaki - FUMI. DONT THINK I DIDNT FORGET YOU DKDKDK,,,Another cool and amazing person!!! All our brainrots and conversations have been really fun ;;;; thank u for that,, You are very fun person to interact ocs with tho!!! Especially with ships!! MadScientist² will forever hold a place in my heart.,,,💖💖💖

@oiseaunoir11 - hey Al!! :) you were one of the many people i admired and looked up to when i first joined the fandom, your art is something im deeply inspired by and your shitposts at like...4 am in the morning always give me the big funny,,one thing i really admire about ur art tho is how you'd draw backgrounds :0 you've gotten so good at them!! And your poses look super natural and effortless, i hope to be almost of a better artist like you 🙇‍♀️🙇‍♂️ also i cant wait to see ur animatics 👀 they look dope- hope we can talk or maybe even interact ocs more! 💖💖

@leonasbitties - luuuu :))) hiiii,,,we dont usually talk on servers that often but that doesnt mean that i dont consider you as a friend! You have a lot of super cool ideas for ocs and your art is just getting better and better and better with each piece!!!! i look forward to seeing more from you ;;; 💖💖💖

@peteza-mozzarella - PETEEE :DDD another very cool and friendly person, you're literally the sweetest person ive ever talked to and i love our little chats!!! Hhhh you're just super nice and your ocs are super cute,,please never stop being you you epic bean ;;;; 💖💖💖💖

@the27th - Hi Andhra!!!!! You've been quite the long time mutual,,and your reblogs always make my day ;;; you're just so sweet and kind and i always feel at ease when talking to you, the hunger games sessions you host are always super fun even though im often asleep to even participate 😂 thank you sm for the love and support ;;; ill be sure to give them all back to you 💖💖 starting now 💗💗💗💗💗

@mamushroomoracorn - MAMUSH :DD we've only really started talking recently but you're just so nice and friendly ;;;; all of our talks have been so wholesome and great and im so happy about that, and your art is really really really good!! Ur art style is just so unique and so cool!!! ;;;; and dw mamush,, ill show the froggies like i promised soon 😔💖💖💖

@rookvonhunt - HEYYYY 👉😎👉 hi hello i would die for your ocs. If theyd ask me to perish then i will 200%,,ur so epic and cool and all of your ocs are just god-tier, i cant wait for what else you have to offer!!!! 💖💖

--

@lawlessofdusk - lawless ;;;; aaaaa honestly you're just so kind and sweet, i couldnt thank you enough for all the love and support you've given me!!! And i desperately need more content of ur ocs bc they're all so cool and interesting 😤😤😤💖💖💖 i hope to talk to you more soon!!!!

-

--

Fkfjfjfj i think that's all!! Id like to thank you all for sticking around with me with my first year in the fandom ;;; you guys make all the bullshit and drama here worth it 💖💖💖

If i forgot to include you in here then PLEASE DM ME I AM SO SORRY-!!!! I dont want to leave anyone behind!!! So please feel free to confront me about it ;;; happy new year everyone!!!!

[mspainttaz]

Do you have any art tips? Asking for a friend

i took a while to answer this one because i had a hard time coming up with any specific advice to this kinda broad prompt

a few things ive noticed about how im drawing lately, that in sharing might??? give you the advice youre looking for:

get inspired by other artists. let your art style evolve as you pick up new ideas and see new ways of doing things. practice doing the things you see that you like! 

i hate clean linework and need to work on that... part of it is a long history of never finishing my art and having years worth of doodles lying around. what i do in the meantime is im trying to get better at sketching, which for me means, confidence.

one way to improve your sketches and help you do them faster, cleaner, and easier to work off of, is to practice anatomy,and also tracing references so you can get the motions and sense of space ingrained into your mind. references arent evil. they dont make your art less valid, use them! tracing isnt evil either, as long as youre making it your own! several of the pieces ive put on here i did blocky tracings of to get the shapes down, then did a first sketch over that, then final lines over that. it just means youre starting from a good place. i cant tell if im making sense anymore its two thirty am. why am i like this. 

lighting can really bring your art to life! stuff like how to shade and how to use the glow tool too much and how to uhhh.... yeah i just have been leaning too much on messy lighting lately ill let you know when i actually refine that. a simple bit of lighting to single color or flat colored art can really bring it to life and its just fun

flip your canvas so you can check to see if it looks good. i tend to tilt my head and hold my tablet at an angle i KNOW THATS NOT GOOD ART POSTURE SHH and sometimes it makes my art come out squished. flipping my canvas keeps things in check. ill draw like a respectable person someday dont @ me 

greatest art tip: forgiveness. let yourself accept your art for what it is and be proud of what it is, instead of being upset with it for not being what you thought it would be. thats okay. now you have one more finished piece of art that you didnt have yesterday! getting hung up is the number one way to let fear keep you from not only doing art, but being happy with it. this kills you as an artist.

one more tip is, if youre feeling a lack of creativity or drive to do complicated stuff or practice any of the above skills, let yourself play in a different art space.for example: pull open mspaint and do a purposely silly or badly done doodle. laugh at it. accept it as done even if it still has mistakes. let the perfectionist in you take a break for a bit. decide you find joy in this. think “hey i could do an art blog about this and it will help build my confidence as an artist until i get out of this deep depressive/creative slump.” do a few and then rarely ever post again because oh yeah youre in a depressive and creative slump. realize a few years later that you like art again. start doing more involved/challenging pieces that are only complicated because you refuse to practice lineart and anatomy as much as you should and keep skipping ahead to “ooh pretty colors and glow tool” stuff. publish them. get confused feedback because youre not supposed to be a real art blog. you know, relate able stuff. dear lord why am i awake.

[haikyuuscreaming]

about me

so im imi or eemee or creamy or hoe ass bitch or whatever rhymes with imi and i am da person running this blog woohoo i dont really have anyone who helps me w this or anything but if u wanna beta read perhaps hit me up

✿ pronouns r she/her ✿ my birthday is jul20 yes oikawa stole my birthday yes im suing him  ✿ my favorite character in general is iwaizumi yeaaeea i would d word for him ✿ part of da lgbtq community yeeaeaeea i used to go by omniromantic but i dont feel comfy with labels rn so idk i guess im just gay ✿ im vietnamese woo yea xin chao quy vi ummm con thich an bo luc lac  ✿ i live in california woooo yea i drink boba every other day wooooo ✿ i can play four instruments ! i take piano lessons, i took band so i can play the oboe (im sorry 4 being a double reed), i can play guitar and ukulele  ✿ i hate the stupid pleading bottom emoji with all of my heart  ✿ i have a big dick and i cut mine off every two weeks and yes it hurts when it overlaps with my period ✿ i dont really watch a lot of anime bc my attention span is short as fuck but ive watched like 2 episodes of 493 animes ✿ main favs are iwaizumi, jotaro, mary saotome, 707, and kokoro tsurumaki ✿ zodiac stuff um i am a cancer sun, libra moon, leo rising

faq aka the stuff i see most in my inbox 

♫ how old are you? 

im not comfortable disclosing my age online but im a minor woohoo no taxes

♫ are requests open?

not technically! i dont take requests anymore and i closed them permanently a while ago, but i still “take” requests u kno? i like seeing them in my inbox and if i like it enough i turn them into fics! i wont be writing hcs anymore tho 

♫ what are your other socials? 

writing-wise, im jotarokujos on ao3, iwahajime on quotev, kujotaros on wattpad! my discord is pee goblin#4318 

♫ iwaizumi

yea

♫ 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺

shut the fuck up

♫ are we living in a simulation 

:)

♫ can we be friends

yes i am desperate for friends please if you talk to me ill kiss the ground u walk on

♫ stop writing for iwaizumi so much 

no❤️but i fw u for trying

♫ are you still writing rivalry? 

yep im just lazy

random things that i got off google to answer

umm i have um like black hair but um it is bleached half way and i have those lil egirl dyed middle part thingies yea

i have boring af black eyes but i look like a demon so yeaaaa

im 5′3 gross 

i have a little brother

i have a beagle named olaf 

i started this blog bc i was in a nasty creators block since august of last year so on new years day i made it a goal to improve my writing w this !

my first fanfiction was in fourth grade i wrote a pokemon trainer x reader no i will not be posting the link 

i also wrote glitter force x reader fanfiction in like sixth grade i will also not be posting that whew quotev was a rough time 

i had a fnaf and undertale phase therefore i am automatically funny (not really)

i also had a warrior cats phase and um also wrote warrior cats fanfiction stop making fun of me 

um i am iwaizumis biggest fan have i mentioned that

nothing makes me unique deadass im boring as fuck 

my clothing taste is i dont know how to describe it its kinda vintage i guess but like modern too idk um im gay i dont have taste in fashion

i order a venti java chip frappuccino from starbucks im sorry for being basic 

fav color is green or like seijoh green woohoo

[thelaudown]

hyouka poly slowburn so its like: (post-anime)

satoshi and mayaka are dating all through highschool and houtarou and eru are maybe a little more invested than friends would normally be, and step in when they have problems to a degree that regular people would call a boundary issue.

houtarou and mayaka still give each other shit at every opportunity, but theyre much more outwardly friendly than before, and if she ever argues w satoshi houtarou is the first to say that theres no way its her fault. maybe one time it is and he confronts her abt it in a way that forces her to take him seriously. its the respect and codependency for me. 

mayaka and satoshi have functioning eyes and houtarous feelings for eru are completely obvious to them. unfortunately shes a little harder to read, so they never really get further than being very close friends and committing to being together for the foreseeable future, as far as this road will take them - its the same dynamic for the entire friend group, but satoshi starts seriously considering a proposal in third year. 

he and mayaka will be seperated through college - she wants to go to art school, he thinks he might like to be a teacher (specifically of like, textiles or language) and he thinks long distance is too much to ask of her. after a serious conversation she agrees and they take a break through college, but they are tentatively engaged, will be keeping in touch, and want to pick things back up once theyre both in the same location again. 

mayaka and eru flat in college, bringing up mayakas long buried feelings for her, and theyve always been so touchy, and she has a feeling that erus guilty about something? but she doesnt want to get her hopes up. she gets really frustrated and confides in the only person who knows both satoshi and mayaka and isnt involved - HOUTAROU, who attends a less prestigious college than eru but is taking similar business courses (he hasnt forgotten) and is commuting from home. 

hes closer to them than satoshi, but theres still a little distance and they dont meet as often as theyd like, partially bc he doesnt often make the effort - the energy he does have is expended on his classes, bc he has a motivation to do well - if he does, maybe eru will consider him without him even putting himself out there. anyway she still calls him on the phone all the time tho. 

he doesnt really have any advice when mayaka speaks to him, but hes quick to reassure her that satoshi wouldnt be bothered by her feelings - "because its eru". functioning adults refer to each other by their first names. it was a super embarassing transition period but theyre used to it now. 

so mayaka takes the leap and eru admits that while shes never really been one to dwell on romantic feelings, she reciprocates but is concerned abt satoshi - she loves him too, after all, and he and mayaka were/are/will be a great couple. she ends up confessing this to houtarou, filled w apologies and assurances that he neednt worry abt her personal matters, but he doesnt mind listening. anyway it stings (in a sad way, not a bitter one) that she apparently has interest in both mayaka and satoshi but not him, but he REALLY cant blame her. he tells her that he doesnt know how to advise her and she thanks him for listening, and then he does probably the most meddlesome thing hes ever done and calls satoshi and tells him everything. 

satoshi is really cool abt it, and hits him w "lol if theyre dating what if i just take you out to lunch. fairs fair. what do you mean you dont know about my massive crush on you, mr observer didnt pick it up? oh wow okay youre really stupid when it comes to yourself. ill pick you up on friday" and then satoshi calls mayaka and gives her his blessing and assures that he loves them both and wishes them the best and wow they REALLY need to catch up soon. hell bring houtarou and they can compare date notes! and he hangs up. 

satoshi is still kind of a petty guy and he probably only confessed to houtarou bc he was taken off guard, but hes not being inauthentic by any means. this is the new improved satoshi 2.0, who is becoming more comfortable w there being things he doesnt like abt himself and working on them and getting his feelings out constructively, rather than pushing them down and refusing to put himself in situations that might turn out badly. he gets his hopes up again, and is happier for it even when hes let down. 

eru is shocked to hear abt houtarou and satoshi. mayaka isnt. they talk abt it, interspersed w making out, and are shocked to realise that they like both of them - mayaka is ESPECIALLY taken off guard, both by her own feelings and erus, which shed never noticed before. she almost tells eru abt houtarous 3+ years of pining, but stops herself lest things get messy. shes starting to get an idea, but needs to tread lightly. besides, its not like houtarou wld ever like her. theyre barely even friends. it doesnt all add up as evenly as shed like. 

for houtarous part, hes genuinely in wtf mode irt satoshis feelings for him, and hes been in eru chitanda hell for so long that he never considered anything else, but now that he IS.... satoshi isnt so bad. he was always really cute w mayaka, when he wasnt being annoying for fun and profit. sure. okay. so they do some gay double dating through college, but the cross couple pining dont stop. satoshi is absolutely still obsessed w mayaka, but houtarou doesnt mind bc he cant take his eyes off eru whenever they meet up either. 

she still calls him on the phone all the time, and when schoolwork picks up he often finds himself calling her w thoughts or questions. they do some more thought exercises, but they dont need to argue as an excuse, and she barely has to badger him anymore. one day he looks at himself and sees a functioning adult who spends a moderate amount of energy on things that arent necessarily necessary, and wants to sigh, but. hes happy. 

college ends and they all find themselves back in kamiyama - satoshi is student teaching at their old middle school, eru is hard at work for her family, mayaka is working while she works on her manga debut, and houtarou is working while he figures out what he actually wants. 

its clear to all of them that mayaka and satoshi need to have a talk, so they do, and they come up with... poly. its unconventional, but they really are happy, and they really do love each other, and mayaka would love to start wearing her ring again (satoshi never took his off, and she pretended not to notice but she had the biggest lady boner over it). 

so now sometimes eru and houtarou are hanging out while their boyfriend and girlfriend are out on dates being engaged, making up for lost time and considering the practicality of marriage while they both have sidepieces, and houtarou and eru are pining BAD, but neither notices the other and he asks how her business is going and maybe kind of offers his assistance platonically. 

so now THATS happening, and satoshi and mayaka get to talking one day abt how those two should date, shld we do smth? and if they did then the only pieces missing are mayaka/houtarou and satoshi/eru which is a beautiful dream but wld never happen, what do you mean he/she wld love to date you, wait really, oh my god, what, are we doing this, 

and houtarou who has been working himself up to confessing for the past SEVEN YEARS, never gets to bc satoshi and mayaka interrupt while theyre at work and do it for him 

[jet-bradley]

i don’t know, this blog has grown to the point where it’s not quite my personal anymore, but i keep seeing posts along the lines of “how can anyone be a student when the world is ending”, and they just, never resonated with me, because yes the world is ending but i am a student and if i’m honest those are two separate facts. neither negates the other, neither improves or harms the other.

for me the struggle is not so much that the world is ending, why am i studying. the world is ending. the only thing i can do is study. like. this is the only part of my life i have control over. my mental health is in a frankly horrifying state that it hasn’t been since i was fifteen, a close family member is having another run-in with cancer, the first presidential election i’ll get to vote in is a desperate attempt to put a competent rapist in the white house instead of a senile one, a million people have died, yadda yadda... but video games have given me a sense of Number Go Up syndrome that gives me a single addicting little rush of serotonin every time i get good feedback on something and i’m willing to kill myself in school just to feel that rush every now and then.

and like. really school is the only thing i do have control over anymore and i have framed my life that way for a long time. so when quarantine hit, emotionally yeah i was and am fucked up, but academically it didn’t completely destroy me. threw me for a loop but it’s alright.

the other thing is that i already learned the hard way from having absolutely no mental health as a high schooler that, not doing work just because you’re mentally ill and it feels pointless... just gives you something to actually be depressed over once you’re out of that tunnel. it just gives you a mess you have to clean up. i’m sorry if that sounds harsh but. i fucked up my community college GPA when i was sixteen and i carried that until the day i transfered. and i think i’ll wonder forever if i’m at embry-riddle because of my straight C’s that first semester when i was a piece of shit high school junior who spent more time on star trek tumblr than in real life, if that drag on my gpa held me back from going to cal poly where i definitely wouldnt have had the same student loans if nothing else.

so like i really just can’t let myself be like uwu the world is collapsing i dont wanna do my homework because it’ll always feel immature to me, just because i got over that in high school and on god i’ve lost a lot in terms of mental health during quarantine but the moment i lose what little work ethic i’ve got it’s all fuckin over.

[autiworld]

Update: PLEASE COMMENT YOUR VIEWS on my life experiences said in this post. #Comment please please please.

i still feel the ASD DX explains most things including my worldviews and literal interpretation, inability to handle unpredictability and everything else.

NOTABLY the previous doctors were horribly misbehaving, they were kidding of my literal interpretations. They were not getting the fact that i was missing a lot of their intended meaning of instructions. Some of them were expelling my parents outta chambers, treating my parents like kids, forcing them to stand facing the walls. Also some of most reputed doctors readily denied my symptoms of learning difficulties and prosopagnosia even without ASKING of them. Some of them told "you don't suffer anything at all"; some were like "these are all built up in your mind". Instead of accepting learning disability symptoms exist; they were rather burted out

1. everybody else have these

2. you are too good, not everybody have them, you are intelligent and you don't have to take the issues seriously.

3. Burted out some ineffective fix, and changed the topic ASAP.

But never allowed my thought of i was looking for more information on my life experience. I had not access to internet btw. My family was much backward with time.

I DID NOT KNEW ASPERGER IS A THING. I DID NOT KNEW LEARNING DISABILITY IS A THING. Our family was lacking any documentation. My schoolteachers were culturally ableists against hidden disabilities. Our family has NOT a culture to visit doctors easily; in my cases the issues were SEVERE ENOUGH to meet doctors about a schoolstudent's psychological/cognitive issues.

Since I DID NOT KNEW that aspergers is a thing; and have not read anywhere about it; it was NOT POSSIBLE to be any self fulfilling prophecy on any extent. Rather i was struggling to mask harder to be normal in order to survive.

Some of doctors were about to throw my old psychiatry prescriptions because I have "passed so many hard exams and did outstanding performance in several academic disciplines" and also i can talk, i can read and write, i can logically argue, i can do most of selfcare tasks by myself so they were ready to assume I dont have any serious issues with cognition!

The doctors treated my meltdowns as "bipolar", manic depression, mood disorder, depression, anxiety, anger management and LOTTA STUFF and that WORSENED. Only much later the treatment/counselling for autistic meltdown and filtering problems worked like a magic and yes it worked.

Every time I was treated for a mental illness, my condition WORSENED, Every time I was treated for specific learning/cognition issues; I improved and wellbeing.

Treating me as delusional is not just feels like gaslighting; it IS GASLIGHTING.

I dont really think those 20 - 30 doctors from various discipline from psychiatry or pediatrics or general physicians did really any good to my life. Deep down my brain I know at BEST i do not fit the description of ANY "mental illness" except OCD;

and I fit BEST with etiology of neurodevelopmental spectrum say ADHD, Asperger, mild autism, prosopagnosia, dyspraxia, dyscalculia and these type of stuffs.

So the 20+ to 30+ may be a big number, and some of them had huge degrees, foreign educations etc. but were still culturally ableists like RANDOM STREET PASSERBY. On this context I dont really think their opinion has any value over who am i.

#Notice:

Thanks one autistic user (name will be withheld) has let me know, since 20+ to 30+ doctors did not diagnosed autism-spectrum on me, but only 1 gave me the diagnosis and only a few (3 or 4) agree with it then I might be NOT autistic. In such circumstances, I decide to not post anymore to this blog.

The core theme of this blog is why or how the ASD criteria explains my life experience. But if that is a false premise then I don't deserve to continue using that concept. Also in my real life I will consider the dx as "disputed" although the data-based/ form based study confirms autism; in "consensus" or "subjective view" I will probably not pass as autistic. However I will continue to keep my social security card at a secret corner of my bag since i am bullied on public place on a routine basis.

Regards and bye.

[lenjaminmacbuttons]

Hope you’re doing okay, I know there’s been a lot going on the past couple weeks. 🌈🌈💛💛

FOOF YOU CAN SAY THAT AGAIN

thank you for the good vibes anon, i love you and it means a lot to me. however unfortunately now im gonna use this to vent dump exactly how much has been going on the past couple weeks off the top of my head. this is actually pretty far from Everything thats happen but im so tired and dont want to think about any of it anymore

my grandma passed away last week. we were prepared for it and we know she’s at peace in a better place et cetera et cetera, her body was all full of restraints & impediments that she doesnt have to deal with anymore and the next time she’s in a body it’ll be all New And Improved and awesome. i missed so much work in anticipation of this that now i can’t get work off on the day of the funeral, so i can still go to it but i’ll have to go immediately to work right from it and have to pretend everythings fine and dandy and nothings going on.

everyone at work Does know there’s something going on however and the two coworkers i have who are actually like i consider them friends mostly they’re all like Hey Im Here For You Talk About Your Feelings Honestly with me and i. dont. want. to talk about my feelings at work. thats not what work is for and i dont like talking about my feelings anyway and i dont want them to ask anymore

the changes to the handbook and the honor code have completely sunk my heart. i had so much hope up until those hideous ridiculous unfathomably transphobic things they wrote and now i don’t feel like i can trust or have hope in ANYTHING the institution does anymore. ive been up all night going back and forth over whether i want to go to church today. or ever again. it’s not bringing me joy. it’s making me feel anxious and depressed and frustrated and alone. i keep seeing people just on the street or on facebook who are so happy and content with the church and whatever it does and i just…i get struck every single time with this thought of “they don’t care about me. they don’t care about any of these problems. they’re not affected personally by it and so they don’t care.”

and then that makes me feel like such a hypocrite because!!! ive been them too for so long!! what makes this moment so different!!!!! why is this the straw that breaks the camel’s back when the camel should have thrown off the whole burden and run to join its friends at the first strike of the owner’s whip!!!!!!

plus it’s making me feel gross about my mormon memes blogs. idk if i can keep running those anymore.

im failing this semester anyway and i keep getting emails about it. i was planning to take a break from school After this semester but ive missed so much class that i just really can’t go back to any of them so i guess im just dropping out right now. as much as i’d love to participate in all the incredible amazing protests going on right now i really really cant be on campus at all without feeling literally physically ill. and my Hope was to do really well this last semester and then submit mission papers and that way i’d know exactly what next to do with my life until i decide what After, and id be able to Get Out somewhere and travel someplace while still feeling like my life has some semblance of structure and direction. however! HOWEVER!!!!!!!!

i’ve been feeling so, so horrible and so worn down and i dont even know where or what my testimony is anymore. but that’s probably a lot lower on the list of Why I Can’t Serve A Mission, because a. i still don’t trust my Local Bishop enough to talk to him about things The Handbook says to b. i am finding it harder and harder and harder to be perceived as female. i never really have dysphoria about my body or my presentation or anything but like, when people say Sister and Ma’am and Miss and Daughter and Hey Pretty Lady It’s Me Your Relief Society President it’s like…that’s not me. that feels gross. and i wear suits and ties to church, have done so for a while and never get any flak for it, and im gradually working up the nerve to maybe start introducing myself as lev or levi instead of lillie buuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuut. socially transitioning apparently is not allowed.

not to mention my temple recommend expired ages ago anyway. anxiety about bishops prevented me from ever going in for an interview to renew it. i haven’t visited the temple once since before graduating high school. but every time i see it or think about it i long for it so badly and it hurts so much.

and also like, i get that same kinda horrible regretful longing feeling whenever i hear violin music? because i played violin for a few years and then stopped but i still have the instrument because it was given to me by my grandmother. who played it herself until sickness wouldn’t let her anymore and she entrusted it to me and i Stopped Playing but then i hoped to pick it up enough to at least learn how to play her favorite song and aw wouldn’t that be so nice to play that for her on her violin except i never actually got around to printing out the sheet music or practicing At All. and now she’s gone.

and one of the last things she said to me was that she would love to hear my book since her eyesight was too gone to read it so i said i’d record it as soon as i got the right software/hardware to do that and then i never did that either. also i promised alla yalls that book would be Published Published coming up on four months ago now and i still haven’t done that

i took a pair of safety scissors to my forearms as mentioned in a previous post and surprise surprise, the lines have not healed still, it’s getting warmer outside and thus harder to wear long sleeves, and guess what! a while ago on a separate occasion i complained that i kinda wished my self harm scars looked more like the classic cutter lines and Now They Do!! And I Hate It!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and a couple nights ago my little sister saw them and so i told her i got attacked by a spider-pawed bear and fortunately my brother Understands and backed me up like “dang what do they teach in schools these days i cant believe youve never heard of the spider-pawed bears that live in the mountains and are totally normal and real”

and steven universe is ending. that’s a thing.

and like….okay. not everything in my emotions right now is bad. some of it is just complicated. one coworker friend i have recently confessed that she’s had a crush on me for several months now. fortunately when she said this i was able to be honest and say that im not super eager for a relationship right now, im not ready in the slightest to settle down or anything, im still hung up on my high school crush and also dealing with issues from my last relationship, and she replied that’s all perfectly fine and she doesn’t have any expectations and she’s great being friends and we can take things at whatever pace is good

except i also now have a date with said high school crush loosely planned for tomorrow and i told this coworker friend about it and she admitted it’s making her a little jealous and then she said jealous is an ugly word and amended it to Insecure and i feel bad about that

but i also like. am really excited for this date. like it’s not really a for sure romantic capital-d Date and that’s fine, but i haven’t seen this friend irl for so long and ive been missing her so much over this past little while that we’ve been internet chatting and that ive been i guess officially falling back in love with her but i also like, i dont know what her deal is romantically right now i don’t want to presume anything but i really really really am itching to see her

work is stressful. it’s only gonna get more so as weather gets warmer. but we’re getting two new managers with loads of experience and glowing reviews next week. i have hope that they’ll makes things a little lighter.

and there’s also. good things. peridot took off her visor for the first time ever in canon and i saved like 50 different gifs of it to my computer cus it rocked my world. sonic has she-ra toys for the kids meals and i managed to snag a tiny inflatable version of the sword. i’m making cosplays of the tres horny boys from the adventure zone and they’re all very exciting and making things makes me very very happy. i’m finding joy in all the fanfictions i’m writing right now and in talking about dungeons & dragons with my brothers and friends. ducknerva is a very beautiful Good Ending version of marahope which makes me happy and taako is a super effective projection outlet. i bought cupcakes today and they were delicious. and when i think about those good things, when i think about any good thing no matter how small, everything else disappears.

whatever happens happens i guess.

she who lives will see.

[21ate]

everyman0

alright guys, i got some things to lay down about the fate of @everyman0. don’t worry: the story is NOT cancelled/going to be left unfinished, but the current hiatus stemming from the past few months may lengthen. i wanna make that clear from the start and also say that this will be a very long post, sorry! with that out of the way, lets talk:

due to recent events that ive spoken about in the past couple of days, and for my own personal reasons as well which ill talk about later down, i will be going through and scrubbing/rewriting certain sections of phase1 of everyman0. this is due in part to my agreement with the author of the callout post/blog that we have worked out in private. the individual has since rescinded their callout, as ive previously acknowledged with my last reblog, so theres no need to get up in arms about that part anymore. my focus now is to take responsibility and do what i can to make up for my past mistakes and thoughtlessness, not only as it pertains to the importance of the individual’s comfort, but also as it pertains to my own integrity as a creator

this isnt about whether or not it was fair for the individual to call me out, whether they were right or wrong, whether i am right or wrong, or anything of that sort - apologies have been issued, mutual understanding as been made, and we are moving on being better for it. what this IS about is me doing the right thing NOW, which i will do and continue doing as i have done over my lifetime without hesitation. and now as it always has been and will be, the right thing is to listen, be understanding, continue to learn and grow, and let my actions be the evidence that i am doing all of these things to the best of my ability. the me of around two years ago is vastly different than who i am today, edgier and very bad at planning things and communicating those plans just to name a few shortcomings, but we all have to start from a worse off place before we can reach a better one and is what ive always tried my best to work towards. thus, as the me of today wants to be the BEST of the best until forever, that will come with a bit of sacrifice and lots of work. that is why im deciding it would be in mine, the individual involved, and the fans of the story′s best interest to retcon everyman0 to something else - something better

honestly the initial retconning wont be a dramatic a change as this post may make it out to be thus far. i can only do so much to physically retcon what already exists in the post order without screwing everything up on down the line, so the plan for right now is simply to scrub the relevant section pertaining to the individual - removing images, posts, and so on. and, because this particular section was a set up for an in-story puzzle, i think it will be possible to rewrite, redraw, and restructure this section without too much of a hassle. this will be done over the next couple of days when i have the time

BUT, the long term plan is to not only retcon this specific section, but also rewrite ALL of the first chapter. i dont know how im going to do this yet or when, and i dont know if this may extend beyond just phase1, but phase1 will be where i start with this potentially massive overhaul. will it end up as a universal reboot of the entire blog? im unsure, but its not off the table in terms of my options

im very unhappy with how ive executed certain aspects about this story, and i have been for quite a while now actually. there have been many times where ive thought about doing things over somehow, even before this situation occurred, but i always laid those thoughts aside because i felt like it would be an impossible task and it would nullify and erase the growth that can be seen in my art and in my writing from over the blog’s run time. however, i see now that while yes this will still be a lot of work on my end, it will be worth it if it means putting out something i can be near totally satisfied with. i want to do this story i have in my head the justice i feel it deserves

i care about this situation, i care about this blog, i care about improving myself as a person towards others, i care about improving my abilities as an artist and a writer, i care about all of you who have supported me and enjoy the content i put out - and everyman0 encompasses all of these things in my eyes. whatever it is i have to do to make it awesome for myself and all of you, ill do my best to do exactly that and then some. 

thank you to all the people who have supported me, i wouldnt be where i am or who i am without you, and sincerely i say thank you to the individual who was willing and able to work things out between us in a manner that allows us both peace of mind and closure; it really means a lot. now that thats all said, i hope u all have a great day! ~ REN