#dont rb ab vent

[mindthateeth]

my pronouns are he/him because the general public couldn’t fathom the power i would have if i went by it/they/pup

[kisstheashes]

Getting tired of being around people who I feel I can't critique at all cuz they'll spiral into even more depression and anxiety and make m e feel bad for pointing out they said or did something wrong

[ratbabygrimmy]

when you act like a dumb clown bc in your mind ignoring = angry bc thats how you were/are punished and you know theyre just busy or asleep but ur brain overthinks anyway 🙂

[esidisimpreg]

Worst feelins when u can tell the person ur talking to doesn't give a shit ab what you're talking ab and it's something u rly care about and you just. H.

[shrimpcolour]

anyways

[holylacydoll]

i stayed at my grandmother's this past week, because she was lonely. but i just fell into a depressive spiral again, so i came home yesterday. i think i just really missed my cats. but i come home, and of course my other f*mily didn't tell me that two of my cats had fought, and one has a huge scratch on her eye. i wanted to take her to the vet, but my mother's husband said she doesn't need it. but i feel so worried, what if she goes blind?

and my f*mily themselves, they're as usual. pounding on my door and yelling at me if i make any mistake or i am late to do a chore. it's largely because of my m*ther that the sound of anyone loudly knocking on doors gives me serious anxiety, because i always know what i'm in for. and i can't stop shaking. loud noises in general, really. just please stop yelling at me.

they've gotten better than they used to be, obviously. they don't hit me anymore unless i really "act up". but by now, i just know to keep my mouth shut. i'm glad that my m*ther isn't as physically ab*sive as she used to be, especially in my tween years. but sometimes it feels like she makes up for it by screaming at me and threatening to isolate me more than i already am.

i'm tired of living this way. why won't they just let me get a job? they make me feel useless and lazy, always comparing me to others, but then when i try to do something like work they always discourage or outright forbid it. i want to save up and move away with my cats, or move with alex. my family still doesn't know i'm getting married. they won't be able to go to the wedding anyways due to distance, even if they would. though i seriously doubt they would approve, because i'm "too young" to get married. especially since he's 9 years older than me. but i wasn't too young when i was beaten and s*xually ab*sed as a child by a middle-aged man, how convenient. i'm still going to get married.

alex, he's an angel. he treats me better than anyone else in my entire life ever has. to him, i'm enough just as i am. he always comforts me when i need it. he works so hard every day while i sit here useless and unable to do anything, and he still loves me. he loves me just for existing as i am. i always want to do more, but in my current situation i can't yet. so he does everything for me, and all he gets in return is my love, but he says it's all he ever needs from me. still, whenever i tell him the same thing, he insists on giving me the best.

i told him i'd be willing to marry him without an expensive ring or a white dress, and he insisted. and told me we can go anywhere in the world for our honeymoon. but of course, we're getting married and living together after the pandemic ends. (which is a good thing because my russian still needs some work) but really, he'd do anything for me. i couldn't possibly ask him for much, and i won't, but he always wants to give me gifts and talk about everything he wants for our future. he even engraved my engagement ring himself.

and while it's not where i always dreamt i would be, i think it might be even better?

[doodlemeimpressed]

does a funny little dance while getting psychologically manipulated

[fireeaglespirit]

@fireeaglespirit @viviane-lefay i do worry sometimes with the stories I write if things might be too much for you. To be fair I dont think in any fanfic Ive ever written anything too explicit but now Im so conscious of other people’s viewpoints and being inclusive that it is a concern. Ultimately I write what I want to/need to but I am aware it might not be for all tastes hence always trying to follow ratings etc.

Replying here so it doesn’t cause any problems with OP, etc..

Ohh. I’m sorry if this worried you.. tbh this was very random and I wasn’t even thinking about fiction when I rb this. This one reminded me of a few times I went out with friends and colleagues and I just felt starkly asexual, lmao

About my tolerance regarding sex and explicitly in fiction, I’ll be honest with you…

There’s hardly anything I could say I wouldn’t read about. I just don’t feel ‘triggers’ or anything of the sort, no hard feelings when it gets to fiction and I value your will to be conscious of other viewpoints but its practically impossible to cater to all tastes like you said, so don’t worry about it much… there’s always someone out there who will feel offended and others who will fiercely love it.

As for myself, I’m very tolerant to sexual content in fiction, idk? I don’t seek it out particularly but its not a deal breaker either.

I know some asexual people are less tolerant, I usually just get a ‘meh’ feeling whenever those subjects are touched in much detail, idk some works do get nasty and bothersome because of much detail involving sexual practices so I just give up on them or put them aside when they bring me no joy but I gladly consume material with sex on it as long as I like some aspects of it. Also, I’m good at ignoring or glossing over things I don’t like in fiction… when I read explicit scenes with intercourse it does nothing to me and my eyes focuses on the sentences I loved such as regarding the feelings between the characters and subtle interactions instead of the physical/carnal aspects of it, and this makes it all worthy it.

Even so, some works might become overwhelmingly depressive or repulsive so I might put them aside even if I enjoyed an aspect of it or I might just skip through them and this happened recently to a series of fantasy books I tried to read which were actually really good but they were so overwhelmingly and unnecessarily dark and had an horrid oppressive atmosphere towards women an sex so I just felt no joy reading them? Its not like I was traumatized by its tone but it felt like a chore and I couldn’t care about it further and no character inspired me whatsoever that the world could change for the better, so I dropped them.

But its not like I’m judging it, I just feel weirded out to some things and I just imagine the kind of mind that takes upon themselves the chore to write a whole series of book which has nothing but suffering and misery in them, especially concerning women, lol. We already had this shit in history and still have in some places in the world so I kinda feel like its not interesting for me to read about it in a fictional setting, especially if I don’t feel like the writer is going to challenge the setting.

But I’m aware most people are much more sensitive… these things can be horrid for those who are more sensitive, and perhaps my own asexuality protects me from feeling it fully as I don’t even think of myself as a being capable of partaking in this (weird, I know), so I have problem even projecting.

But I did felt really strongly for the way women were oppressed absurdly and had their agency completely obliterated, so that sparked a sort of empathy or kinship in me which made progress in such book a chore…

You got my point and this just illustrates a bit my relationship to fiction and things that irk me since you were interested in my opinion… I have another example of fantasy book with lots of sex in it:

I read asoiaf even thought its full of sexual stuff but I don’t feel joy at these parts, yet the work is so good on other themes that I ignore it for the most part… but even so, recently I’ve read F&B and it was kinda overwhelming on the sexist aspect with myriads of female characters turned into child brides and raped and dying at their childbirth repeatedly it just got very tiresome and repetitive near the end, because there where almost no counterpoints to it, unlike in the main series where the situation is dire for women but we have characters challenging it more often and idk. F&B just lacked on that front.

So, this shows a bit my sensitivity towards sex is more related to sexism and the feeling that women are confined to their reproductive aspects: motherhood, childbearing, marriage, sensuality, etc.. I don’t have a problem with sexual intercourse per se as you can see, but that’s from my unique point of view and I know some asexuals are more repulsed towards it, but you asked my opinion…

So, if its consensual sex: its not my cup of tea but I don’t feel like its a deal breaker…

Just to give you a positive sex example: when I see an OTP of mine getting to the point of having sex I think its pretty sweet, like when Jon and Dany consummated their love on that boat… I was happy for them, for all that it means, the symbolism between the union of ice and fire and just two characters which I love dearly, finding happiness and comfort in each other. What’s not to love about it??

This is a rare stance I can say I saw a pair I ship get to that point xD

I love shipping as you know, but its more about the psychological aspects and potential for character development and even when I’m reading fanfic about my OTPs I enjoy more the angst and symbolism than the ‘hot’ parts which usually just makes me go ‘meh’ (again).

So this makes me say: when sex is the focus of works I could feel like I’m too asexual for this, even if it regards an OTP, it just doesn’t have a very exciting effect on me or I’m not explicitly interested in this part of a relationship, when so many other things caught my eye… sometimes subtle interactions and dialogue and and gentle approximation (touches, caresses, kissing, etc..) is so much more exciting for me to read about than the ‘thing’ itself, lol.

To sum it up: when its there just for p*rn or even worse, shock value it just makes me go ‘meh’ or ‘ugh’ or ‘uhh why am I even reading this?’

This reminds me of Vivi’s take on the ‘hiero gamos’, in this case I just say I might even enjoy the theme as long as the scenes involving sex are meaningful and passionate and the aspect I value the most about them are sublime and platonic instead of carnal but I’m aware the carnal aspects are very important for the characters and the audience so I also worry when I get to show my stories people will think they lack sexual content ^^  I get you.

Now that you know my feelings towards sex in fiction, to a broader sense I just wanted to say..

There’s no way to guess people’s sensitives but it doesn’t mean you need to walk on eggshells afraid to trigger people all the time, hell no! I’m all for freedom of creation. At least around me there are no metaphorical ‘eggshells’.

Everyone has their own set of opinions which makes them unique, not just me, I mean…  even so I will let my snowflake syndrome show but I’m quite peculiar if you could say, so I sort of grew a strong ‘carapace’ towards the world as I deal with people with completely different views and values on a daily basis which might make me have inflamed political opinions while at the same time, I’m very flexible and forgiving when it comes to fiction in general.

I don’t expect much of the population to be like this so I’m also self conscious when it gets to writing my own stuff because I know people can feel very strongly about it and you’ve seen the way fandom reacts to minor things and bash creators when they perceive flaws in their work… I’m just not a judgmental person, its not in my nature. I just ignore things in fiction if I don’t like and I became even more relaxed over time in regards to this all, lol I nearly reached a ‘nirvana’ as I don’t even feel strongly negative feelings in regard to this.

Snarky and bitter comments from time to time? Yes… but no hard feelings. RL needs my hatred, lol so I don’t have it to spare with fiction any longer.

Anyway, on an unrelated sub note… as you might have noticed, I don’t feel comfortable about current fandom trends and specially policing, and with reason as this gets very serious and quick with literally ‘wave chain reactions’ of hatred sparked apparently from nowhere. I hope people could create more freely instead of the political correct police and restraining of creativity we have now. It was good for a while and I’m all for diversity and change in status quo (for the better), but I think this has gone too far and I perceive a lot of rigidity in fiction right now due to fear of fandom backlash we have creators afraid to make their thing and afraid it isn’t ‘inclusive or progressive’ enough… so they bend themselves endlessly until fandom ‘approves’ them, but even so someone is bound to scream and say the work is offensive and the cycle of hatred is restarted.

I know this reply was like a huge egocentric monologue and I strained with non related issues at the end, but you asked my thought on this so I tried to convey it with detail.. including things related to the perception we have concerning fictional themes and I just kinda had to vent at some parts of it.

etc…. This doesn’t mean I forbid judgment from others or criticism or that I forbid people from harshly criticizing works of fiction, just that sometimes it gets more harmful than beneficial and scare people off, and I felt like saying that.

Anyway,,, just want to say nonetheless I find it very sweet and considerate that you are taking different opinions in mind while writing, but you don’t need to worry at least from my part, and I don’t think you ever got even close to being explicit in your writings so there’s absolutely nothing to worry about.

[andy-andromedus]

Yesim having a breakdown over barely being able to process ehat im looking it but at least i have something to talk about in therapy

[licoricecrypt]

Ok so I'm lowkey rly tired and angry rn so my confidence has been boosted but I'm just gonna come clean and say that having any more than 100 followers is stressful as hell, like you're worried ab saying the wrong thing or RBing the wrong thing and I'm lowkey rly tired of it like I'm not asking anyone to unfollow me I'm just saying that I'm tired of hiding stuff that doesn't need to be hidden just like I did with the toxic relationship I just got out of.

[esidisimpreg]

Can i get some really honest opinions on how I'm interpreted from when you first met/followed me to how you guys do now?

I'm sorry I ask for so much attention from my mutrals , I just need distractions from everything, and I need to know what i should work on and everything.