#dont mind me im going thru all the pictures i havent processed in the last 3 months

[kangals]

[overmused]

so so so ummmm so

i have been going up and down abt relationships and romance and whatever all that shit and like ok. this girl. ive been really really happy like being alone and literally not pursuing anything at all for the last six-ish months but this GIRL!!!!!! i dont know what is happening! maybe its because its the first chick ive liked seriously in a very long time? or the first chick ive liked who i could actually hypothetically date bc not long distance and we r already friends? but im um such a goddamn scaredy cat abt all this shit and like idk i was at this point last week where i was like finally kinda eh whatever abt it all and feeling at least slightly more relaxed, but then last night my guy friend bought me dinner like very platonically but it was still super nice and it just reminded me of dating and liking ppl, and then i fucking saw a picture of her on instagram and just like it all came back and i STILL LIKE HER. i havent seen her in a month and i still like her. we dont even talk that much, shes pretty weird abt talking/texting, but she always has been and i get the feeling that she is avoiding bc she knows im not straight and knows shes not straight but she is going thru a lot w that process of figuring out her sexuality and being comfortable and all and like OY VEY idk its just!!!!!!!! i just had to spill all this out somewhere!!!! she kind of annoys the SHIT out of me sometimes too like she can just be a goddamn muthafuckin WALL and kind of immature and REALLY closed off but then i think about all the time we spent together in person back at school and i like all the sudden just have goddamn BUTTERFLIES!!!!! like what the fuck is that about!!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know how this shit happened!!!! i have crushes on ppl like v often but this is actually fucking crazy i feel like i am either losing my mind or im like IN LOVE and we are ALREADY DATING but like not at all obviously and like i am most definitely not in love but its like way more intense than any “crush” ive had or whatever the fuck. its like. FEELINGS. like i have REAL FEELINGS for her. but i dont really understand where they r coming from/how they are still happening/what to do about them. like shes so fucking cool and attractive and interesting but also like the fucking WORST sometimes i DO NOT KNOW!!!!! what is HAPPENING to my BRAIN!!!!!!! i also realized i miss dating in general or like i miss the feeling of new relationships and of liking someone and them reciprocating and like wanting to make each other happy all the time and also just wanting to lie down next to someone and then BEING ABLE TO like that shit is hype as FUCK!!!!! and i miss that!!!! i didnt for a while but suddenly im starting to!!! and i have this deep deep fear that im never going to have that again??? im really not sure why thats a thing either???? like i really cannot imagine it happening to me again??? hm. idk man. i gotta tell this girl whats happening tho. bc otherwise itll um eat me alive :) but like end of the day im happy im the type of person i am and that i operate from a place of feelings and love and commitment and passion and connection and emotions and all that gooood goooood shit cuz idk i think its very me and i am happy that i know that.