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jaydangan · 1 year ago

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ok !! heres nyx lore because i can and because i want to (this will be long :3) (im taking nyxs parents explanation from the coming soon nyx relationship list they know) (also this contains spoilers from udg)

TW ;; EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE ,, NEGLECT ,, PEDOPHILIA ,, MANIPULATION / TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,, SLIGHT GORY DEATH ,, MENTION OF ALMOST DROWNING (please ignore if uncomfortable)

CHARACTERS/SELFINSERT USED ;; NYX (self insert) ,, MONACA TOWA ,, KOTOKO UTSUGI ,, SERVANT / NAGITO KOMAEDA

before we get to the actual lore, i will explain their family and the reason for some of their traits. (parents explanation copy pasted from nyx relationship list):

!! NYX'S FAMILY !!

nyx's father - TW PEDOPHILIA AND EMOTIONAL ABUSE: nyx's father keeps switching between a loving and caring father to someone with severe angry issues and an extremely mean person. other times, nyx's father implies to romantically like nyx. nyx thinks themself as wothless and useless, due to the fact their dad forced them to follow his orders and to please him, making nyx feel like theyre in the wrong one for feeling negative. one time, they cried infront of everyone as a kid for being forced to run and their legs hurt, their father only cares about how people looked at them weirdly. as a result, nyx has an incredibly low image/self esteem of themself, and them being easily attached to people who show the least amount of care for them. nyx copes from this by using humor and repressing their feelings. ( though, they break down easily. ) nyx doesnt know what to feel about their father, due to their fathers extreme mood swings but they know that in any way, there will always be a side where they hate him. theyre traumatized on how brutal the Warriors of Hope killed their parents, but slightly grateful for it.

nyx's mother - TW NEGLECT OF EMOTIONAL/MENTAL NEEDS: nyx's mother is a self-centered person who works in a cosmetic company. she usually uses nyx as the model for her make-up company, even if nyx insisted that they dont feel comfortable being a model. nyx's mother multiple times force nyx to do her wishes, prioritizing her needs over theirs without permission from nyx themself. nyx's mother forces nyx to go out often. and everytime nyx tries to refuse, she will try to make up an excuse on why they have to go or try to guilttrip nyx by telling them that theyre so 'selfish' for not fulfilling her needs. nyx's mother often blames others over her own mess, making her a person who thinks that she is always right. nyx hates her, and is extremely uncomfortable by her. even if they were traumatized of how brutal the WoH killed their parents, but theyre slightly grateful for it.

nyx's brother: the only one in the family that nyx actually trusts. nyx's brother is a 3rd year highschooler who is pretty strict towards nyx and obedient towards their parents, nyx's brother actually took care of nyx unlike their parents. nyx is grateful for him. they're traumatized on how brutal the WoH killed their brother, and doesnt really forgive them for killing the only one that cared about them at the moment.

!! TRAITS !!

- nyx is pretty self centered and is excessively interested in themself, due to the fact that they never really had anyone to talk to friendly in their elementary to middle school times. this leads to them being seen staring at mirrors and talking to themself a lot. they also talk a lot about themself and their interests to the people they really trust or people who are interested in them.

- nyx is easily attached to the people who show the least amount of care towards them, due to the fact they never really got much attention from the people around them. they will cling to people and try to start talking to them, but most of the time the other person started it, because nyx is awfully socially awkward.

- nyx has a severe abandonment issues, since WoH taken nyx as their second servant. this is because they have experienced their parents threaten to leave them if they disobey. monaca gains from this so nyx doesnt try to betray her.

- nyx has a trigger on being called useless, as it triggers how their parents view them whenever they make a mistake or "made a fool out of themselfs". they try their best to be useful to avoid being helpless to people.

okay, were gonna go to the actual lore now

- nyx in pre-udg was a student from the Hope's Peak middle school, taking from reverse course. they werent accepted through the Ultimates Hope's Peak academy due to the fact all of their talents were taken by other ultimates, leading them to end up in the reverse course.

- before the tragedy started (when reverse courses were brainwashed to mass suicide and... dying people in general), nyx and their family decided to travel to towa city and stay there for 2 days as vacation or.. whatever you call it.

- nyx and their brother was dragged into their parents bedrooms in the hotel. they were both pretty annoyed by it, but obeyed anyway. when nyx was drawing and doodling, a... child? the pink haired child broke in and killed their parents and brother by slitting their head off, nyx was frightened as they back away from the pink haired girl, expecting for her to kill them.

- but, for some reason, when the pink haired child turn their head to look at nyx, her eyes sparkled. she ran to nyx and took their hands into hers. nyx was confused, but abides anyway.

- the girl introduced herself as Kotoko Utsugi, and in the next second, kotoko found nyx cute! so she... recruited them to be a part of warriors of hope? at first, nyx declines by shaking their head 'no' profusely, but uh... they ended up being the second servant for monaca.

- due to being with warriors of hope, they started to believe that adults are all bad, before they met nagito. at first, nyx was hestitant that theyll serve monaca with him, but ends up opening up to him later in UDG.

- since nyx cant really fight, nyx is a servant to serve the Warriors of Hope in terms of food, drinks, etc etc

- for some silly moments, kotoko almost drowned nyx <3 kotoko sunked nyx's head deep into the water to see how long he can breathe underwater

- nyx in the end of UDG, nyx did end up escaping from monaca, the WoH and nagito helped them

thank u for coming to my ted talk if u have any questions feel free to ask

I- okay nyx really need therapy i- im sorry for them like- can i please give them hugs? And blankets? And candy? And stuffies? And anything they want? And tell them they're really useful? I- please they dont deserve this :(

And honestly, nyx dad and mum deserved their death, fuck them honestly. But i feel really bad for nyx brother :(

Really, i wanna hug nyx sm

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shslanonymous · 1 year ago

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fucking bet here u go (this will be long :3) (im taking nyxs parents explanation from the coming soon nyx relationship list they know) (also this contains spoilers from udg)

TW ;; EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE ,, NEGLECT ,, PEDOPHILIA ,, MANIPULATION / TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,, SLIGHT GORY DEATH ,, MENTION OF ALMOST DROWNING (please ignore if uncomfortable)

CHARACTERS/SELFINSERT USED ;; NYX (self insert) ,, MONACA TOWA ,, KOTOKO UTSUGI ,, SERVANT / NAGITO KOMAEDA

before we get to the actual lore, i will explain their family and the reason for some of their traits. (parents explanation copy pasted from nyx relationship list):

!! NYX'S FAMILY !!

!! TRAITS !!

okay, were gonna go to the actual lore now

- nyx and their brother was dragged into their parents bedrooms. they were both pretty annoyed by it, but obeyed anyway. when nyx was drawing and doodling, a... child? the pink haired child broke in and killed their parents and brother by slitting their head off, nyx was frightened as they back away from the pink haired girl, expecting for her to kill them.

- but, for some reason, when the pink haired child turn their head to look at nyx, her eyes sparkled. she ran to nyx and took their hands into hers. nyx was confused, but abides anyway.

- since nyx cant really fight, nyx is a servant to serve the Warriors of Hope in terms of food, drinks, etc etc

- for some silly moments, kotoko almost drowned nyx <3

- nyx in the end of UDG, nyx did end up escaping from monaca, the WoH and nagito helped them

thank u for coming to my ted talk if u have any questions feel free to ask

WOWIE

Also Kotoko really felt a little silly 👏

Also also, am I allowed to fucking punt their father to the sun and punch their mother in the face?

#meep #danganronpa #self insert #ultra despair girls #udg #danganronpa spoilers #trigger warnings have been said #nyx ^^

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danganronpafan777 · 1 year ago

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yippie okay then ill explain nyxs lore (this will be long :3) (im taking nyxs parents explanation from the coming soon nyx relationship list they know) (also this contains spoilers from udg)

TW ;; EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE ,, NEGLECT ,, PEDOPHILIA ,, MANIPULATION / TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,, SLIGHT GORY DEATH ,, MENTION OF ALMOST DROWNING (please ignore if uncomfortable)

CHARACTERS/SELFINSERT USED ;; NYX (self insert) ,, MONACA TOWA ,, KOTOKO UTSUGI ,, NAGISA SHINGETSU ,, JATARO KEMURI ,, MASARU DAIMON ,, KOMARU NAEGI ,, TOKO FUKAWA ,, SERVANT / NAGITO KOMAEDA

before we get to the actual lore, i will explain their family and the reason for some of their traits. (parents explanation copy pasted from nyx relationship list):

!! NYX'S FAMILY !!

!! TRAITS !!

okay, were gonna go to the actual lore now

- but, for some reason, when the pink haired child turn their head to look at nyx, her eyes sparkled. she ran to nyx and took their hands into hers. nyx was confused, but abides anyway.

- since nyx cant really fight, nyx is a servant to serve the Warriors of Hope in terms of food, drinks, etc etc

- for some silly moments, kotoko almost drowned nyx <3

- nyx in the end of UDG, ends up running away from monaca. they passed out in the way, but nagito took care of them in the end.

thank u for coming to my ted talk if u have any questions feel free to ask

Damn, the family gives me Glass Castle flashbacks…

I honestly want to adopt Nyx now (and their brother-)

I am kinda curious on how they survived the reserve course brainwashing and the tragedy itself before Kotoko came in the picture

How the hell did Kotoko almost drown Nyx-

With the Nyx’s backstory similarities with the warriors of hope, I hope they rescued them after Monaca was taken down

I just want them to heal together 😭

Does Nyx ever meet Toko and Komaru? And in the end, is she saved by Future foundation (like after they capture Nagito to put him in the Neo program)

How do they meet Teruya? Are they connected to class 79?

Sorry if any of my questions or comments bother you, thank you for sharing!

#Nyx #terunyx #others oc

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papirouge · 1 year ago

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I'm glad everything went well with your surgery and that you took some time to figure things out... i hope you're on a better head space - i know what is like to deal with suicide ideation so you should put your mental health first. It also makes me happy to know your mom can enjoy her retirement traveling and doing what she wants.

What you mentioned about that policeman who killed Nahel it's the same thing that happened with Zimmerman and Trayvon Martin, remember that case? Conservatives donanted so much money to Zimmerman that he basically retired and could enjoy the rest of his life loaded.

And I dont know what to even think about black women who mess around with altright and white supremacist men. Like I know the men are just thinking with their dicks, but what do these women even gain in these relationships? Is it like a kink or something? You know how Candace Owens one time posted a pic of her kids and people in the comments were being vile towards them, calling them monkeys and ugly and disgusting. Like how can you stand having these kind of people as your audience? She obv deleted the picture and never did it again.

I was thinking that another reason why some tradmen and tradwomen don't mix is because some of them are womanchild and manchild. Basically, there's a breed of tradman that wants his wife to take care of him like he's her baby, never doing any of the domestic work, not even loadong the dishwater or making the bed. And there's a breed of tradwife that wants her husband to take care of everything so she can relax and "rest in her feminity", whatever that means. You would think they would work but they don't, as the both of them can't be the baby of the relationship.

Thank you for thek kind message anon ♡

I'm doing a little better. Lately, God showed me he was still there, and that's the most reassuring thing EVER. I had to let go lf things..and he's currently helping me to rely on faith and faith alone...

Leaving the internet for a while helped me a lot. For some reason I thought of not coming back lol but I love you all so much..i think if I leave Tumblr for good I'll tell you.. that's what you deserve 🩷

Yeah it's funny to see conservatives/rightoid complain about how the immigrants are sucking off the country's money & how they they (the good citizens) are getting poorer, and then turn around and throw money at randos who killed someone 🥴

I'm not surprised about what you say about Candace Owens. I think she's a genuinely smart woman and she definitely knows that 90% of the ppl she hangs arounnf with don't respect her. She knows the moment she steps out of the line she's done (apparently that what happened to Tomi Lahren after she said she was pro choice - I remember homegirl was conservative sweetheart during Trump mandate and was EVERYWHERE 💀)

She's just beneficial to them for being the 'token Black conservative'. The grifting is mutual so I gues there's no victim out there.

The Prophet Apostate did a great job reading her hypocrital support for Andrew Tate when she dunked on Steven Crowder to filth :

Both Candace and Blaire White are similar because they both embody tragic grifter who will have no issue hanging around people they know that. Blaire White loves to defend himself saying "at least conservatives will not tell me to kill myself like liberals do uwu" yeah, and? They still hate you, boo. Just bc they're not as blunt as liberals telling you to kill yourself doesn't mean they respect or genuinely like you.... Imagine having such low self esteem that people you can even state they genuinely like you BUT don't tell you to kill to kill yourself is enough for you to hang around them, go to their show, etc. This man is lowkey so pathetic... (there's no wonder he looks so miserable). Does he even realize that if he wasn't the token conservative trans, his rightoid buddies would clown him like they do with the liberal one?

And yes, the thing with online tradmen is that they're hypergamous (in a way) when that role traditionally abide to women: tradmen want a tradwife to level up (sexually, livelihood, etc) and tradfem want to level up (marry financially secure men to build a family). That's why they fail matching with tradfem who are ALSO hypergamous. It's like trying to stick magnets on the same polarity lol

There's indeed something extremely childish in men stating everything they expect fro from a women, when they are supposed to be the provider.... I guess that's why I find tradmen so repulsive...

#answered

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faustycakes · 1 year ago

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good luck reading this all chris (this will be long :3) (also this contains spoilers from udg)

TW ;; EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE ,, NEGLECT ,, PEDOPHILIA ,, MANIPULATION / TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,, SLIGHT GORY DEATH ,, MENTION OF ALMOST DROWNING (please ignore if uncomfortable)

CHARACTERS/SELFINSERT USED ;; NYX (self insert) ,, MONACA TOWA ,, KOTOKO UTSUGI ,, SERVANT / NAGITO KOMAEDA

before we get to the actual lore, i will explain their family and the reason for some of their traits. (parents explanation copy pasted from nyx relationship list):

!! NYX'S FAMILY !!

!! TRAITS !!

okay, were gonna go to the actual lore now

- but, for some reason, when the pink haired child turn their head to look at nyx, her eyes sparkled. she ran to nyx and took their hands into hers. nyx was confused, but abides anyway.

- since nyx cant really fight, nyx is a servant to serve the Warriors of Hope in terms of food, drinks, etc etc

- - for some silly moments, kotoko almost drowned nyx <3 kotoko sunked nyx's head deep into the water to see how long he can breathe underwater

- nyx in the end of UDG, nyx did end up escaping from monaca, the WoH and nagito helped them

thank u for coming to my ted talk if u have any questions feel free to ask

#ask #nyx💘

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tired-writer-in-progress · 1 year ago

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ok !! here u go (this will be long :3) (im taking nyxs parents explanation from the coming soon nyx relationship list they know) (also this contains spoilers from udg)

TW ;; EMOTIONAL AND MENTAL ABUSE ,, NEGLECT ,, PEDOPHILIA ,, MANIPULATION / TAKEN ADVANTAGE OF ,, SLIGHT GORY DEATH ,, MENTION OF ALMOST DROWNING (please ignore if uncomfortable)

CHARACTERS/SELFINSERT USED ;; NYX (self insert) ,, MONACA TOWA ,, KOTOKO UTSUGI ,, SERVANT / NAGITO KOMAEDA

before we get to the actual lore, i will explain their family and the reason for some of their traits. (parents explanation copy pasted from nyx relationship list):

!! NYX'S FAMILY !!

!! TRAITS !!

okay, were gonna go to the actual lore now

- but, for some reason, when the pink haired child turn their head to look at nyx, her eyes sparkled. she ran to nyx and took their hands into hers. nyx was confused, but abides anyway.

- since nyx cant really fight, nyx is a servant to serve the Warriors of Hope in terms of food, drinks, etc etc

- for some silly moments, kotoko almost drowned nyx <3

- nyx in the end of UDG, nyx did end up escaping from monaca, the WoH and nagito helped them

thank u for coming to my ted talk if u have any questions feel free to ask

So what I got from this is that I need to get adoption papers and adopt Nyx, gotcha.

Also good on my girl Kotoko for killing her parents ^^

#mod togo #nyx <33

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atherix · 2 years ago

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YES I AM VERY PROUD ATHERIX, VERY PROUD 😌 do you like the thoughts and ideas? I do... >:]

Ok but scar in this au is breaking my heart?? Imagine you fall for this perfect guy. But his kid acts like you're the worst thing to ever happen! Children swap places, trying to get their patents back together! Your boyfriends ex shows up! Theyre still in love! Already low self esteem levels! The emotional damage?? May I hug him please <33

Then mumbo?? You break up with your partner. You take custody of one kid, him the other. Move to a completely new place! You try to get over your ex. Then you meet a guy! This guy is wonderful! You get together! Your child is an ass! YOUR CHILDREN SWAP PLACES. They try and get you and your ex back together! You still have feelings for your ex! But you also love your boyfriend. The inner conflict??

And GRIAN. Same start as mumbo. But you're alone! Thats ok though, you dont need anyone else. Children. Swap. Places. But mumbo is with someone now! Hes happy! And you can't have feelings for him still right? No, that would be silly. You deny it. You pull away. Everything sets fire because thats a great representation of the mental stateof everyone at this point <33

Don’t tell me theres a point where everyone is broken up- emotionally and literally i mean... and then they have to sit and actually TALK to eachother... (although we both know you are excellent at writing talks) figure out their issues... think about the future... and where it leves them...

AND SIBLING BONDING PLEASE... INCLUDING TUBBO IN THAT. All three of them parent trapping the hell out of these lovesick idots <33

By the way your tags killed me, thank you for that :D

-🍂autumn anon🍂

How can you be PROUD of yourself for encouraging my silly fluffy and angsty ideas? ....... I love them-

You may in fact hug Scar because warning, it is physically impossible for me to write a fic where Scar does not either physically or emotionally suffer <3 Being my bias means being pitiful and hurt between the bamfery <3<3 He will be put through the ringer BUT IT'S OKAAAAAY IT'S FIIIIIINE THERE'S A HAPPY ENDING <3 That probably begins as a V poly before eventually becoming a △ poly bc Scar and Grian wouldn't really know each other very well at that point but neither would ever ask Mumbo to give up someone he loves because they're both open-minded people who want Mumbo to be happy <3

Like imagine Mumbo and Grian sitting Grum and Jrum down to talk to them, finally tell them the truth about everything and answer their questions, and the old feelings coming back and they're able to laugh together and look like a family, and then Scar comes around the corner (out of sight) and just stops and watches them and realizes he really is an outsider here, b/c Mumbo and Grian are laughing together again and the twins look so happy- and Grum is smiling like he never does when Scar (and Tubbo) are around and just. Thinking that's how things should be, and just quietly leaving thinking about it and and and-

YEAH what a blow that will be <3 Mumbo will also suffer because his grumpy kid doesn't want a NEW family, just wants the family Mumbo they lost back and almost loses Scar (and Tubbo) AND Grian almost doesn't stay anyway when he comes to collect his kid (but oh how now that Grian knows Grum he doesn't want to let go, and same for Mumbo with Jrum </3 So now a proper and fair custody is needed and just hjfdsjk) but yeah Mumbo and Grum very nearly ending up alone AGAIN and Grum just realizing what he's cost Mumbo (at least Grum blames himself for it) bc Mumbo doesn't want to lose Scar just like he didn't want to lose Grian and just hjfdsjkfd

And Grian finding out that what happened ~11 years ago was a massive horrible terrible misunderstanding and Mumbo let him leave anyway, and finding out that Mumbo still loves him but Mumbo also has someone new who he loves and who loves him and just. Seeing what a mess everything is. And thinking he and Mumbo lost their chance over a decade ago and demanding if Mumbo is REALLY going to just let Scar walk away like he let Grian, AND over another misunderstanding (though this one a bittersweet misunderstanding rather than whatever absolute disaster happened between Mumbo and Grian), and just sjkfgdsfgk

AND YES THE BONDING. The sibling bonding. Grum having avoided Tubbo for the time he's known him, but Jrum quickly befriending Tubbo (and learning Tubbo and Scar's story that Grum never knew jhfdsjk) and Grum seeing his twin and Tubbo being friends and instead of being upset or jealous starts wondering what HE missed and just. Just. The crushing realization that he'll never know when Mumbo sits him down and tells him Scar and Tubbo aren't coming home and the "what have I done" when he sees how TIRED and SAD Mumbo is and thinks he's ruined his dad's second chance at happiness, gave up what he already had for something that he never even had in the first place and just hjfdsjkf. SO MUCH needing to be fixed I just-

Look I love adding killers in the tags <3

#ask #Mumscarian Parent Trap AU #BECAUSE I GUESS WE'RE DOING THIS NOW #Look #LOOK #an AU can be funny haha sitcom romance BAM angst and hurt/comfort and poly negotiations #all at the same time #a family can be a wet cat of a man a mischievous bird a clumsy elf a sassy sheep boy and a pair of smart-alec twins #and I can totally push fantasy elements into a modern minecraft world yes

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surveystodestressme · 3 years ago

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262.

o1. With which one of your friends do you spend the most time? With which friend do you spend the least amount of time? Would you like to change this in any way?Before i moved i spent the most time with Claire or my mother tbh. I definitely spent the least amount fo time with Mariann but she is still one of my best friends regardless of the amount of time we spend together. I would’ve loved to spend more time with all of my friends. Now i only spend time with my boyfriend because we moved across the country and we haven’t really made friends yet.

o2. What four states in the USA would you most like to visit? Which four countries would you most like to visit? States: Tennessee, South Dakota, Florida, Pennsylvania. Countries: Greenland, Iceland, Ireland, and Madagascar (idk if that one is a country or not tbh)

o3. If you have one, how often do you watch your favorite television show? How long has this show been your favorite? I don’t really have one right now. I used to love Cops and i own all episodes of it so occ. i’ll put it on and watch it. George Lopez is also a favorite of mine that i watch randomly.

o4. Would it bother you if your boyfriend hugged other females (think hypothetically if you don’t have one)? Why or why not? I mean yes and no. I’m just a jealous mess lol. I trust him so much so I would be comfortable knowing it is nothing more than a friendly hug but I can’t say I’d be stoked about it

o5. If you had snow-days as a kid, how did you spend them? Do you like the snow, in general? Probably playing video games or watching tv/movies. i never really went outside when there were snow days because fuck snow lol it was too cold for that shit. i don’t mind a bit of snow but for snow days it was usually over a foot of snow and that much snow just sucks

o6. Do you know anyone who does hard drugs? Would you ever befriend someone that did? Not that i know of. I mean, i don’t actively seek friends with addictions but I wouldn’t necessarily say no to being friends with someone who had one. I would try my best to get them the help they need

o7. When was the last time that you were afraid for your life? Did this incident change you in any way? I don’t know to be honest.

o8. Do you enjoy taking pictures? Is it just for fun, or do you make an attempt at actual photography? I do like taking pictures. I wanted to do photography when i was in high school. I just do it for fun now i don’t actively try to do it for the actual photography

o9. Have you ever had low self-esteem? How is your self-esteem now? I have totally had low self esteem for most of my life actually. I am much better. I am not 100% by any means, there are still aspects of myself that i would like to work on but i definitely like myself a lot more and feel more comfortable with myself.

o1o. When you see someone sickly-thin, what is your first thought? I would probably think that they had an eating disorder because i have been there

o11. Do hospitals make you nervous? Why or why not? Do you have any bad hospital experiences? hospitals do make me nervous but i have not had a traumatic experience at one or anything i just dont like the thought of being in such bad shape that other have to take care of me idk

o12. What did you dress up as the last time you went Trick-or-Treating? Who went with you? no i did not. i have not dressed up for halloween in a while

o13. What is one thing you miss most from your childhood? What do you miss the least? i miss life being so carefree, being able to do just about anything i wanted. not having responsibility at all and just hanging out with friends

o14. What would be the biggest challenge involved in raising a child at your age? raising a child in general, lol. i could never do it. cudos to all the people that have raised children

o15. If you happened to get pregnant before you were ready for children, how would you cope? Do you think your parents would support you and help you out? i would never have a child. take that for what it is. i would never tell my parents if i got pregnant because they would not agree with me terminating the pregnancy

o16. Have you ever had unprotected sex? What would you tell a young teen thinking about having unprotected sex? yes. i would tell them to be safe. i would tell them to try it with protection first. i got on birth control before i ever lost my virginity and it as probably saved me from getting pregnant lol

o17. What are some gender double-standards anger you? all of them tbh

o18. Other than the usual qualities (honesty, respect, etc), what are some attributes you want your BF/GF to possess? I really need patience because i am a lot to deal with and i have a lot of issues. i need someone who can make me laugh because i have a lot of down days. i also really need someone understanding.

o19. Do you still talk to the first person you ever dated? If not, would you want to? Why or why not? I do not. i have no talked to him in years. I would not mind talking to him. he usually only ever messages me when he’s missing me and wants to talk about getting back together or hooking up or something lol.

o2o. Five years ago, what was the most important thing in your life? How about the most important person? i don’t remember, probably jack lol. we had been together for about a year by then.

21. How would you describe your sexuality? Have you ever wondered whether or not you might be homo/bisexual? i think i am pansexual. i don’t really understand sexuality very much tbh. i just know that i do not base my love for people on their gender. i would date anyone whether they were cis, trans, non binary, gender fluid, etc.

o22. Do you think that homosexual couples should be able to raise or adopt children? Why or why not? I think they should be able to do whatever they want

o23. Think of your worst fear. What would you do if you were confronted with it right now? probably have a panic attack

o24. If you were to become a vegetarian, what meat-product would you miss the most? Have you ever been or wanted to be a vegetarian? i would miss steak thats for sure. i have been a vegetarian before and it was really hard. i am not sure if i would be able to do it again tbh

o25. Do you think that someone’s sexuality is something that they can control? No.

o26. What do you like most about your favorite animal? I love them, they are super cute and cuddly but mostly spicy

o27. What is your favorite way to eat your favorite food? How often do you eat your favorite food item? with my hands? lol idek what kind of question that is. my favorite food is sushi and i eat it with chopsticks lol

o28. What is something you are craving? Will this craving be satisfied? i really want a pepsi but i am trying to be good and not drink as many sugary beverages. it will not be satisfied anytime soon

o29. What is the largest number of texts you have sent in a day? Do you often text this much? a lot probably i used to text a lot of people when i was in high school just for shits. i didn’t really want to talk to them i just wanted to talk to people. i don’t really text that much anymore.

o3o. Do you like the holiday season? Why or why not? What could be better about it? i don’t mind the holiday season at all. i especially like halloween season. christmas is ok. i don’t like the stigma around christmas that i have to go broke to show people that i love them.

#bored #quiz #questions #survey

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redandfranticfeelings · 5 years ago

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okay ive been wanting to make a post like this for a while but i wanted to make it an essay and i dont know if i can really organize my thoughts in that way yet, so here’s a chronological bullet-pointed dump to explain my very important thesis:

be more chill is about internalized ableism, and jeremy, michael, and christine are all highly autistic coded. this is going to be very long and detailed but only because there’s a lot of details that work very well under this lens.

there’s probably even stuff i missed but this is already extremely long so it basically just functions as a way for me to collect a bunch of details that i can piece together later in a more coherent manner.

“more than survive” in the context of jeremy being autistic works so much. the theme of wanting to be just socially acceptable enough to not burn out or be harassed is so relatable, and it visually establishes very early how jeremy is isolated from his peers due to his own awkward behavior and hypersensitivity. it’s coupled with his very obvious anxiety disorder, but the social aspect just screams autistic coding to me. i take this song to basically be “not having a meltdown is basically my goal but i would love to be neurotypical enough so i can heighten my standards and actually enjoy my social life.” some choice segments:

“if i’m not feeling weird or super strange, my life would be in utter disarray, cuz freaking out is my okay”

jeremy’s house being a mess is partly due to his dad’s serious depression, yeah, but i believe the other aspect is that jeremy’s executive dysfunction makes it just as hard to clean up in his place

he gets super anxious at the prospect of his expected routine being shaken up and having to make the decision on his own of how to get to school

“so i follow my own rules and i use them as my tools to stay alive” honestly sounds like a euphemism for autism to me

jeremy not really realizing that he’s staring at chloe

“avoiding any eye contact at all” explains itself

michael’s introduction, oh my god, every time i watch this part i just adore it. i could talk a lot more about michael’s autism later but this whole segment sells it especially.

first off, michael keeping his hood up and headphones on in a deliberate attempt to avoid social interaction and stay in his own space is such an autistic mood. even before this scene he’s constantly moving in the background to his music a la stimming. in the later performances he spends a lot more time playing with his hoodie strings and even chews on them!!

the fact he doesn’t talk to or even really look at jeremy until his song is done playing also feels very autistic to me! and the way he dances so confidently and basically pretends even his best friend isn’t there for the time being because he’s engrossed in his own passions.

michael is a great friend but it’s clear that he doesn’t really understand that his coping mechanism doesn’t really work for jeremy, and that even though michael feels confident reclaiming his identity as a ‘loser,’ jeremy doesn’t really feel any better about it. i think a lot of autistic folks, or at least i do, have this tendency to assume what works for us works for everyone around us at first due to our struggles with empathy. michael tries his best but struggles to see outside his point of view. it’s mind-blindness in action and jeremy can’t communicate why it upsets him any better than michael can pick up on it not working for him.

near the end of the song, they have a brief moment where all the ensemble crowds in around jeremy and the lights start flashing, which i interpret as a visual representation of sensory overload.

we’ll talk more about her soon, but outside of jeremy’s fantasies about her, christine also avoids social interaction during this number, constantly hiding her face in a book and avoiding eye contact just as much as jeremy. people forget that she’s not comfortable with unexpected social interaction, and that really informs my headcanon for her which brings us to....

“i love play rehearsal” is an autistic anthem. it also works, possibly even better due to in-text evidence, as an adhd anthem, but combined with the above it makes so much sense for her to be comorbid autism/adhd. i did a breakdown of the song in this context before, but i’ll sum it up here

the song showcases what having a special interest/hyperfixation is like. christine is singing to jeremy, yes, but she really seems so caught up in her own passion without much regard for how jeremy is following it, and even cuts him off from responding to her once or twice because she’s just so hyped up on her own feelings. she also basically implies her happiness is reliant on her special interest which is very relatable.

lines like “you follow a script so you know what comes next” also really sell the interpretation that christine isn’t good in unpredictable situations, and has so many identity issues and likes having something to look to where things are laid out for her. i think that stability is what a lot of autistic people look for, especially teenagers.

also with that in mind, look at how upset she gets watching a play she loves about get rewritten into something weird and new that she doesn’t know.

also gotta love how she still self-isolates before this song by focusing on her book, until she has a reason to infodump to jeremy. and then feels guilty afterwards and goes right back into her book while apologizing for getting “carried away”....biiiig mood there

the whole intro scene showcases both of their awkwardness so much. jeremy gets completely thrown off by her sarcastic comment about the swim team and almost believes it, which implies that he can’t read tone very well. and then christine’s “you’re a virgin” comment comes across like she really didn’t think about how that would sound to jeremy before saying it since she only made the clarification after he was ready to panic about it. she has a habit of speaking before she thinks, i think, the self-harm comment is also very awkward considering she barely knows jeremy.

after that scene we get “more than survive reprise” where jeremy admits to routinely having such bad breakdowns that he needs to step out and go to the nurse which works for both the anxiety disorder and the autism interpretation.

i’m not quite sure whether i see rich as autistic (i see him with a lot of mental issues for sure though) so i can’t say much on “the squip song” but there’s definitely something to describing a confused autistic kid as “almost helpless.” rich definitely has a habit of giving too much information though, i’ll say that.

“two player game” is just jeremy and michael being autistic solidarity: the song. i guess this is a good place to say that jeremy and michael work well as a contrast b/w two sides of autistic community, the side that struggles to function and desperately wants a change bc they’re afraid of being alone forever, and the side that tries to love all their symptoms and embrace their autistic pride. and as coincidental icing on the cake, jeremy wears blue (associated with the derogatory views from autism speaks) and michael wears red (associated with combating said views through autistic pride).

btw you could probably attribute michael’s ability to casually down a long-expired crystal pepsi as a sort of weird sensory quirk. and his fixation w/ that sort of memorabilia honestly feels like a special interest in its own right!

both “nice sideburns....wolverine, right” and “like in x-men????” using fiction as a reference point for real life always gives me autistic vibes (esp the first point where he awkwardly uses it to start conversation). can we assume x-men is a special interest? :3

jake referring to jeremy as a ‘freak’ when the squip turns on is really sad in this context but it also does make so much sense

now we get to the squip.....and what do you know, it uses tactics from abusive therapy used on autistic children. dare i say that “be more chill” as a song isn’t just an abuser’s song, but an ableist’s abuser’s song.

first off, the “spinal stimulation.” here’s a not so fun fact: electroshock therapy has been used to discourage autistic behavior in very recent years. (content warning in link for graphic description of ableist torture)

then the lyrics, in which the squip mostly focuses on jeremy’s posture and physically punishes him for disobeying. jeremy is shown to really struggle to stand up straight and pose himself in a normal, confident way, and i think that tendency to be unaware of what our body is doing is a pretty autistic thing?

the fact the squip singles out stammering and refers to jeremy’s “tics and fidgets” brings attention to two more autistic traits of jeremy’s

the squip basically punishes jeremy for responding “incorrectly” to social situations like rejecting brooke, even if they aren’t objectively wrong. it eventually just starts speaking for jeremy because jeremy seems incapable of acting natural. the squip is an abusive autism parent.

“sync up” demonstrates jeremy’s weird relationship with empathy. he wants to be nice to everyone- will has even called him “deeply empathetic”- but he’s initially really bad at seeing other people’s point of view, which is why he positions himself as sort of against the world, seeing everyone as better than him or trying to set up these barriers of Coolness where everyone else must be perfect compared to him. he’s so surprised to learn that the popular kids also hurt because of his strict idea of the social structure. it’s a combination of low self esteem and a black-and-white viewpoint.

let’s go back to christine. the squip, already established as ableist abuser, finds her “highly unusual” for acting in a way that disregards everyone who views her. she has very strange and specific visions in her head, and it seems very natural for her even if jeremy struggles to follow along.

in later performances, she chews on her sleeve and spins around during AGTIKBI. that’s stimming, babes. also gotta acknowledge “i don’t always relate to other people my age, except when i’m on the stage”

i’m gonna use this section to talk about jake and christine. christineis a bit unsure when interacting with jake, until he validates her interest- her acting is what really touches him. but jake, while good-hearted, has trouble being self-centered and thus not fully aware of christine’s own needs and space. so christine is always a little uncomfortable around him, especially in public, and not always willing to socialize. he is right about her being kind of stuck in her comfort zone, though, not doing anything off of her stage. and he is genuinely nice to her, it’s just a matter of their social strategies clashing.

the fact that the squip blocks out michael...i’ve had a lot of times in my life where i was told that socializing with other “weird” people would be counterproductive for my social development and it was part of why i was stuck with so few friends. so i really feel the idea that blocking out the person who helps you feel confident in your atypicality is framed as a good thing so you can act more socially adept, and that doing otherwise would just drag you both down.

hot DAMN does “loser geek whatever” make so much sense for an autistic kid with internalized ableism.

“it’s not only school that’s rough, being lonely’s stupid tough” makes it pretty clear this isn’t about the school social scene as muc as it is the entire social scene of the world. we may not see it, but it’s just (not) interacting with people in general that jeremy can’t stand.

“michael says that weird is rad but feeling weird just makes me sad” as stated above, makes a Lot More Sense with the idea that michael is both a more confident autistic and really bad at addressing jeremy’s own internalized ableism and desire to make connections outside his small friend group.

everything about jeremy boiling down all his problems to his “instincts” sucking and needing to basically be told what to do really highlights how autistic kids can feel broken because of their inability to fit into the social norm, to the point where we repress every behavior that actually makes us feel comfortable and unique.

not to mention the line about him being seen as a “normal handsome guy” since autistic people tend to be infantilized and never seen as desirable (will roland also implied this line has trans coding which is another discussion altogether but i feel i should acknowledge that here)

all of those terms that jeremy calls himself near the end- namely weirdo, misfit, oddball, freak, failure- all of this sounds like the shit people throw at autistic kids. like this goes beyond anxiety alone, this is jeremy being outcasted and oppressed by the general public due to his behavior. especially the “please don’t speak” part, considering how often autistic kids are mocked for misunderstanding when to speak, how to speak, and what to talk about. jeremy needs some freaking love. :(

“michael in the bathroom” is a panic attack, related to severe anxiety, but i do see a lot of aspects that play into autism as well. the little nervous stimmy movements of foot-bouncing and picking at grout, the explosive sensory overload during the “knock knock” section of the bridge, the whole concept of losing the only person you ever managed to connect to without sacrificing who you are, dealing with this massive change to your sense of philosophy and reality where you pinned everything on one person to ground yourself, and thus you’re now completely lost trying to isolate yourself from this big overwhelming social gathering...neurodivergent anthem all around.

jeremy and christine’s couch interactions during halloween give me such autistic positivity. christine basically echolales jeremy’s weird noise and they both have so much fun vocal stimming that they forget there’s another person in the room. it’s such a sweet moment until jeremy ruins it by realizing that asking her out right after a breakup is Not Really Good For Her.

christine’s reaction to the fire demonstrates a clear case of hyperempathy to me. it isn’t discussed as much as a complete lack of empathy, but autistic folks are prone to feeling way too much especially when it comes to others’ pain. christine talking about how she hates that everyone’s hurting and desperately wants to help but doesn’t know how, and how we’ve already seen how much she struggles to connect with others like jake....it’s a very relatable, very specific autistic mood.

going back to the theme of jeremy and empathy, christine’s above hyperempathy kind of breaks this mold, and while jeremy always does feel for the other kids, by this point he feels so strongly- particularly for christine, who he also saw as a perfect confident being until now- that the squip can manipulate him into “fixing” everyone the same way the squip was supposed to “fix” him. and he never considers that christine doesn’t need to be fixed because he just projects his own insecurity that strongly onto everyone else who seems “weird” in the same kind of way- hence why he assumes michael is jealous of him back in MITB. it’s likely a result of the squip’s manipulation but i feel like mind-blindness is a factor, even if jeremy switches between struggling to process others’ emotions and being extremely empathetic.

michael’s special interest saves the day!!! :D

the whole fight b/w jeremy and michael, assuming it comes from a genuine place of repressed bitterness, has a lot of added subtext with them both being autistic. jeremy accusing michael of “giving up” on social interaction, michael envies jeremy for trying bc michael is clearly Not comfortable in most large social settings, jeremy envies michael for his pride, it just hits home for me i guess

rich calling michael “antisocial headphones kid” honestly how is michael not canon autistic

in the off-bway version michael briefly speaks too loud forgetting that jeremy’s head still hurts which is a relatable Forgot About Boundaries thing. plus him smacking rich playfully forgetting that rich is Still In Pain

“voices in my head” works nice as a fuck-societal-norms-and-just-be-happy song. “embrace the traits that make you so odd” in particular :’)

jeremy remembering christine’s infodump about her obscure bowling alley performance art idea and bringing it up to her again!!!

the squip doesn’t go away because ableism and the anxiety it brings and all the upsetting symptoms of autism don’t go away, but with the right support and confidence you can live with them!!! good message for mental disorders in general and works very well in this context!!!

so in conclusion.....be more chill is autistic pride!!!

#be more chill #bmc #actuallyautistic #autistic headcanons #long post #be more neurodivergent #queue are so busted

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short-simple-crystalclear · 4 years ago

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To answer this question I need to tell you a bit more about the background. You know about those things more or less but I will interlink them with one another and it will be clearer when they are in one place.

I will tell you how my life looked before we happened.

Unstable, no commitments, jumping from one place to another, disappointment with people, constant nonfulfillment, the same companion all the time - me and me only. You know already that I am a seeker, every day, every minute, seeking for satisfaction, for meaning, for something that could fill that void inside me. It was very hard, I was unhappy, always acting as if everything was alright, being there for others and not for myself, changing environments as often as I could to finally find a place where I would feel good and comfortable. Apart from this, highly developed self criticism, constant efforts to improve myself - my interpersonal skills, my education, qualifications, my personality, my appearance. Because I still had this void in me, what is it? Lack of meaningful relationships? Low self-esteem? Lack of self acceptance? I didn’t know, so I worked on everything, always pushing myself over my limits. And constantly distracting myself from this feeling of emptiness and lacking. Either by next job, next bartender or barista training, excel courses, tax advisory courses, work and travel in America, study exchange, crossfit, yoga, japanese, eating, sleeping, going to the cinema alone, listening to the music at full volume. Everything I could find to meet new people, to forget about myself for a minute and to find meaning. I really was miserable, I could be surrounded by people who cared for me and adored me, and I still felt as if I was alone. But because it has been lasting for so long, I learned to deal with it. And here comes my mindset, my habits, everything that I must have given up before deciding you will be my future husband.

Freedom and individualism - those became (subconsciously) my most important values in life. I could go anywhere I wanted, so I was going, I didnt have any relationships, it was great, I didnt have to explain myself and my bizarre ideas to anyone. But because it was quite painful I started creating this vision of myself in my mind - what will I do, where will I work, where will I go during those times of the year which are associated with family and other people. I have experience in spending New Years eve alone (or with my parents, so the same thing) since 2014. In Poland not going to a party on New Year’s Eve means that you are a loser and a social zero. So I was both, invisible and social zero, no one could know about this, it is too shameful, it shows how unattractive I am, so I had to lie about my plans to people who asked me what was I doing. But yeah, I already had experience with New Year’s.

Next, Christmas - right after I move out from Poland I most likely wont go back home for Xmas because why would I? For the past 3 years I have treated every Christmas spent with my family as the last one. So I made peace with it too.

Next, and this is the biggest one, my normal everyday life - I will hire myself in a company or sth, climbing the career ladder, not worrying whether I will have kids or not because I wasnt even sure if I wanted them. How my life would look like? I live alone, go to work in the morning, go back from work in the evening, I go to yoga class or any other place and then I sit at my home and look for more opportunities for myself to grow. Still, no commitments, maybe random sex maybe not (depending on my confidence and relationship with my body), no adjusting to anyone else, changing social circles often (to avoid commitment) or being alone since I am so comfortable with my own company after all of these years. Besides, I cant trust anyone, people want to hurt me or destroy my plans and make me fail. It’s easier to be alone and observe everyone, and silently work on my achievements so no one can see. Do you remember our first fight? About sleeping around? That’s exactly what I (and you) was fighting with, I said “When it comes to me, sex was the only thing left that I couldn’t do without a man”. Exactly. And I wrote even more concerning this “I could imagine myself hitting 30, with my “dream job” making me miserable, with good apartment, surrounded by expensive things which were supposed to make me less lonely, with my eating disorder thriving, and with my vibrator in the drawer next to my bed, definitely overused one.” Similar to what I have written a couple of lines up, right? But that was my future in my mind, I planted this seed and accepted it. This was the way to prevent myself from more disappointment, broken heart and loneliness. I prepared myself in advance for all of them. I knew it was bad for me, but it was the only way I could cope with my hopelessness.

So what did I have to give up when I started a relationship with you? That I could go anywhere I wanted without much planning, that I could be fully flexible with my decisions because there was no other person involved, that I didnt have to know where I will end up in the end because I can always move and find a new place for myself. I had to give up my constant search for meaning and fulfillment. I had to give up my independence. Because if I am in a relationship I cant have secrets, I cant make plans that nobody knows about, I cant just go out without saying anything, I cant make decisions by myself without taking anyone else into consideration. I cant follow my strategy anymore - that no one really knows who I really am, no one knows my stories. I still perceived myself as not ready, not good enough, not having enough to give, because I knew how unstable I am, I knew well my urges to run away from people, I knew that I indeed loved being careless and free. Freedom, I understood and loved it, and I couldn’t give it up. I didn’t have much but I had this total independence, no matter how many mistakes I made, how bad my situation was, I could just turn around, change my living place and create my new identity over and over again. I also used it to stay myself, after giving away myself to others for years, I could go away and recover. I knew the costs were high, but at least I didn’t have to pay the greatest cost - being myself and accept everything that comes with it. I knew it was bad for me, I knew that. But that was living in me, so strongly, those were my reactions and thoughts which I had for years. That mindset was very important to me - not staying anywhere for too long, trying new things, being independent and not having to explain myself to anyone, changing people so they cant develop expectations. I didnt start any romantic relationship to protect myself from exposure and rejection when he finds out how I really am.

When I met you I had to give up all of that thinking, I had to make a mess with my life and destroy the whole system with no guarantee that I wont fuck up this relationship too because my demons will take over.

Now you can see why I behave in a way I behave, why I misbehave and do those unpredictable things. I decided I would give up all of this, but they are still troubling me, they dont want to let go. They are hijacking me from time to time and I have to fight with them. Unfortunately, sometimes I lose the duel, and then hurt you. Examples are: when I run away in September, when I wasn’t replying to you at the beginning of January for the whole day, when I triggered our first fight about sleeping around, female masturbation and vibrators, that’s why I still considered HPV vaccine even though you said we don’t need it, that’s why I dont like sending pictures of me to you, that’s why I say “everything is fine” even if it isnt, that’s why I had this dilemma about Toronto and couldnt see from the very beginning that you are most important to me, that’s why I didnt want to tell you about antidepressants, that’s why I was thinking and thinking again about our relationship and assessing whether I am still an asset to you, that’s why I asked if you would accept me if I leave you now and come back after a couple of years, that’s why I was pushing you away and pulling you closer, that’s why I ask for reassurances when you say you want me or you love me, that’s why I provoke you and actually cross the line, that’s why I make you uncomfortable sometimes with what I say, that’s why I kept you at arm’s length distance sometimes, thats why I believed that no one is irreplaceable and that love is conditional, that’s why I didnt want to go public with our relationship, at least on my side, that’s why at first I was telling you that you will have another wife, because I was afraid I will hurt you and let you down, that’s why I wasn’t so sure if I want to start a relationship with you at first, because I was sure I will ruin you and hurt the person that I love the most on this planet. I was pushing you away not because I wanted freedom, I was pushing you away because I could see how strong these demons and this thinking are inside me. And I was frightened that I would leave you one day in the future when it’s already too late, when you invest too much, when you completely adjust your life to be with me and when it’s too late for you to forget about me and find another girl for yourself. You can see that I had a lot of issues from the very beginning but you didn’t know because I wasn’t communicating them. And now I am communicating them but they are not as strong anymore.

And this void is still present there, I am still self conscious and too shy. When you came you didnt fill these holes in me, you didnt fix what was broken. No. You created new things, you created spheres that I never had, you built your own creations in my mind. And they are all warm, loving and comfortable. And now my mind and my body is colorful, there’s a lot of vibrant colors which you brought but there is also a lot of darkness. All I have to do is to give up on those destructive mechanisms that are old and no longer supportive and focus on the new ones. And I am relieved it is like this, I really am. You know why? Because you have built something sustainable, you are not a guy for one night who will help me forget about myself, you are not amphetamine which could get me high for a couple of hours. And it brings me peace and tranquility, that I am not using you to fill this void only and discard you when you stop “working”. But it will take me some time to unlearn all of the things that I was doing for years. I can clearly see how much I have changed during the past 6 months, from a complete doubt through confusion to a total belief. How I perceived myself unworthy of your love and now I accept it.

It wasn’t a coincidence that I was single. And you know how many opportunities I had to start a relationship, but I never had one because no one was worth it. Worth leaving my principles and plans. Until I met you. And when I am saying that I don’t want to be with anyone else I know what I am saying. I don’t want to be with anyone else.

And this Toronto thing, oh Elias. I never did something like this before, I think it was the biggest sacrifice of my life, because indeed, I did sacrifice my “alternative life”, pleasing others, forgetting about myself and helping them, doing the most unexpected thing without consequences, cutting my current relationships, turning my life upside down. But giving up Canada is a one thing, I won’t even apply, even though I already paid for the application fee, it means that I didn’t leave a second door for myself, I can’t run away in case I change my decision, there’s no way back, and I always, always leave a buffer zone for myself. Not this time, I can’t change my mind next month or in two months. It’s like I gave up my own security, my backup, part of my identity. I have never done more to any other person, never. I gave up my way of living. And it’s all for you.

#sacrifice

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gh0stpkmn · 8 years ago

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ok uh. yooran gaming channel au - part 2

@misfireezreal reblogged the ‘yoosung has a gaming channel au’ post and wrote a really cute lil addition that inspired me to add some more ideas to this mess of an au..... and i got really carried away

their addition / reblog post is here !! tho i’ll also put a screenshot of it under the cut... along with more headcanons/ideas/whatever for the au/scenario

god this is so cute omfg. ok so..

● yoosung liking comments that say nice things abt saeran?? so good. honestly the sweet comments probably rlly do a lot of good things for saeran’s self esteem!! they cheer him up when he’s feelin sad i would think? definitely helps a lot on his rougher days.

● misfireezeal mentioned donations so i started thinking about what donation money would go towards... when theyre not goin towards yoosung’s tuition (if he even stays in university at this point?? idk??) or his cost of living, or equipment for the channel, they go to charities.

yoosung wants to help animals so they donate to animal rescue organizations and stuff like that. he wants to contribute help to other causes too so... he wants saeran to have some say where the money goes (and i mean saeran is the meme bringin in a lot of it so. ye.)

it’s important to saeran that they donate to organizations that provide help for mentally ill people--especially mentally ill youth. also organizations that help children in foster care or like... help kids that have been abused idk.. idk! idk... things that can help young people that are going through some of the same things saeran went through

yoosung doesn’t announce the donations or anything because like... he doesn’t really feel the need to???? neither of them see a point in posting/talking about it. it just feels good to do nice things.

other stuff:

● it comes up in passing that like. saeran as a knack for hacking and everyone’s like “how could u do this?? cant believe ur a dirty hacker”

saeran’s like “ lol dont worry. i only cheat at games when i play against my brother because he’s a shit and never plays fair ”

chat is like “whoa we didn’t know you had a brother!!!”

and they talk about it a little and yoosung is like “yeah his brother is ____” (whatever his username is? i forget. hacker god i think?) “he usually plays on the shooting star server “

viewers are Shocked that yoosung knows #1 on shooting star. they demand to have him as a guest star

it’s... debatable whether saeyoung agrees to it or not?? he has to lay low and stuff.. either way, they tell saeyoung about it and he’s so amused omfg. he watches yoosung and saeran’s streams sometimes (and is so proud of his bro. he cries probably) but not super often? when he does watch, he also uses a random throwaway name

but after the chat asks for him, he logs in once or twice w/ his LOLOL screen name and people are all over omfg. chat goes wild and saeyoung is Living for the attention omg

saeran is like “you’re so dumb god i hate you”

and saeyoung’s like. “ok but are you actually planning on coming home some time soon??? tomorrow maybe? becaaauuuuuse..... i miss you”

it’s cheesy and lame and Embarrassing. saeran’s just.. “GO AWAY asshole im doing a thing....................................... also, yes. please order pizza for dinner”

yoosung thinks its funny n cute and so do the viewers.

● and ok even if... saeyoung is never a guest star, they probably bring like. mc or zen on once or twice and it’s great. a lot of viewers recognize zen (i imagine he’s a bit more famous at this point) and they are... so excited and surprised that he’s friends w/ yoosung and saeran.

i can’t really see jaehee or jumin on the show but like..........

..... the idea of them tricking jumin into trying to play a video game on the stream is so fucking funny to me????

like Somehow they manage to convince him to come over?? idk maybe by asking him to ”help them work on a big project that’s essential to yoosung’s career” or smth “that requires nothing less than jumin han’s skill and expertise” and because he’s a good friend he agrees. then they just. put a controller in his hand and he’s like “what am i supposed to do with this”

and ok jumin has probably owned a gaming console at some point but i honestly, truly can’t bring myself to believe that he uses it for anything other than like.....netflix

so he has no fucking experience and it’s. so good. yoosung and saeran are trying really hard not to laugh (and yoosung is failing)

idk what they make him play specifically but for some reason wii sports is flashing through my mind holy shit..... but actually its probably LOLOL or fallout 4 or something. idk. either way, he’s bad at it and they struggle to teach him how to even hold the controller properly

● saeran likely moves in some time after they’ve started the channel where both of them play games together. which happened pretty far into the relationship anyways i think?

and even then it happens quite a while after they start the channel. maybe when it’s been going for a year or something? maybe two??

(i have no idea???? idk how long these kinds of channels stay big??? i only watch like... fairly well known youtubers like game grumps that have been around for a long time. and mcleroy stuff on polygon idk.)

anyways

how they decide to move in is basically like... ok.

i imagine they probably get questions about their relationship a lot when they come out as a couple or when new viewers first find out about them. the flow of questions dies down after the initial reveal that they’re together but they still pop up every now and then

sometimes the questions get slightly intrusive like asking about their plans for the future which they kinda just ignore those until it becomes a really frequently asked question so they Have to answer it.. so they just say they don’t feel comfortable talking about it for the time being (because tbh they dont know lol)

and so...

probably a specific question that people ask A LOT (and have since saeran’s early appearances) is if saeran lives with yoosung, or if he’s planning to.

because he’s at yoosung’s place so often. he has been since the channel’s early days, and they post videos and stream together fairly regularly, i guess?

there’s obviously more content of just yoosung doing his thing because it is his channel after all but content featuring saeran is definitely a frequent thing (even when it’s not their duo let’s play channel or whatever... saeran can still be seen in the background in a fair amount of yoosung’s usual LOLOL streams, too. )

so uh

at some point they’re just hanging out.. (off stream, not on video or anything. just them together.. like a date night or just to spend some time together. i dunno)

maybe cuddlin’ in bed or on the couch watching a movie, having a nice time. there’s comfortable silence

and yoosung never really gave it a lot of thought before, but lately... he and saeran are just really close and their relationship is so GOOD and he loves him a lot. he’s thinking over all this stuff and how often people ask if they live together and...

i mean, he thought about it on his own before he really took the viewers’ questions seriously.... them bringing it up isn’t what sparked it necessarily.

he considered the possibility before, but he was always scared that bringing up moving in together would be too forward or pushy, and that saeran wasn’t ready for it, and that they would be rushing into things--going too fast. yeah.

he got that ball rollin’ and was trying to take it slow but recently, everyone bringing the idea up jsut. fuckin. kicks that ball. so hard. it’s going full fuckin throttle. max speed. it’s out of control and he can’t stop it

and so in this... really comfortable quiet moment he just kinda blurts out

“why haven’t we moved in together yet?”

saeran is surprised obviously. he wasn’t expecting that at all

he has briefly entertained the idea of living with yoosung before, because he’s over so often anyways, and he wants to spend even more time together.... but he’s also scared for various reasons?

such as his mental health issues, obviously. he’s also anxious that yoosung will get sick of him, or that he won’t be able to handle being around yoosung 24/7 and vice versa. he doesn’t want to get so easily annoyed and snappy like he does at home with saeyoung? he also doesn’t want to rush into things. idk. there’s a lot more reasons but those are some of them.

so when yoosung says this, he has no idea how to react??? so he just kinda mumbles “oh... uh.......”

yoosung panics like

“god, im sorry, that was so stupid. um. it’s just... been on my mind a lot lately, i guess..? god! ah... forget about that! it was dumb...”

he covers his eyes and kinda... hunches over. all embarrased and nervous and a little guilty because he doesn’t want to make saeran uncomfortable. he can’t even look at him. poor boy omg

saeran stays quiet for a long time, furrows his brows and chews the nail of his thumb and looks like he’s concentrating on something. after a while he pipes up, so quietly that yoosung can barely hear him

“i don’t think it’s dumb”

yoosung is. shocked. but also immediately hopeful! he perks up!!! looks at his bf incredulously like “you don’t?”

saeran kinda... talks slowly bc he’s thinking hard about his words and says that he didn’t expect yoosung to bring it up really but he’d be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it before

so they have an Important, Serious conversation about it and they both make sure that the other is %100 on board with it and ready to just. jump in and do it.

celebratory smooches ensue because they’re cute and happy and excited.

... i forget if yoosung’s place is a dorm or not. if it is, he gets his own apartment.

if it’s not, he stays in his apartment and saeran moves in there.

it’s small and kinda cramped and very far from a “forever home” but they make it work for now!! they’re happy that way... (maybe in the future they get a bigger place, which is nice because it makes it easier for saeran to have some privacy when he needs time alone.)

● yoosung definitely takes short little videos or vlogs all the time and posts them on youtube and other social media

he takes one the day after they have the conversation mentioned above. and it’s just. “you guys.... i asked my boyfriend to move in and he said yes!! god, i was so scared! tell them how scared i was, saeran!” he points the camera at saeran who is reading a book and he just.

idk he either just flips off the camera bc he’s busy and doesn’t want to be disturbed...

he looks it right at the lens and says “he was scared shitless. he literally shit his pants. it was gross. i had to h---”

cue video going blurry as yoosung turns the camera away real quick paired with. shocked, loud shrieking. “SAERAN!!! DON’T SAY----” and then the video jsut kinda. cuts off there.

(he still posts it but with some caption along the lines of “that didn’t actually happen. saeran’s just being a dick”)

and of course, there’s definitely multiple videos of the day they move saeran’s stuff in. yoosung records a bunch and puts them on his snapchat story or w/e... other social media too, so they can look back on them later...

just cute little clips, like one of saeran’s room with all his stuff in boxes..... one of saeyoung and saeran (and maybe mc) loading stuff up into the car.... one of them putting the boxes in yoosung’s apartment.... a dumb one of saeyoung goofin’ off at yoosung’s place and mc doting on him..

one of saeyoung giving his brother the biggest bear hug ever. just. completely squeezing the life out of him and dramatically pretending to be all emotional (even tho he really is genuinely emotional inside omg) and saeran being annoyed and trying to push him away “god, let me go! you’re suffocating me!”

one where... they’re bringing in the last box.

and finally like. one w/ yoosung turning around to show his whole apartment, boxes everywhere, some of them already half unpacked. “phew... finally finished! the hardest part, anyway”

it’s cute.

● the little videos are probably a thing that happens every now and then, even after that... he probably snapchats a lot of things in general bbbut a lot of the time it’s just. dumb, random videos of saeran.

some of them are stuff like:

a close-up of both of them, taken with yoosung’s phone where they’re like “streaming in fifteen! we’re gonna play ____ today.” .... real cute stuff.

or just. shitty phone videos yoosung takes of saeran where like… yoosung says something really sappy joke or pickup line? idk. something really cheesy and terrible and wants to film saeran’s reaction. and saeran looks over and his expression is just. dead inside. the camera zooms in real close on his face and he whispers “………………. im so sick of this Shi–” the video cuts off there

probably lots of them chillin and having fun with the whole rfa crew

and. maybe one where the two of them are hanging out with saeyoung and mc and other pals and.. idk. one of them says something funny and they’re all laughing but yoosung zooms in on saeran who just.........ok i imagine that sometimes his more subdued laughs come out as like?? this huffy, kinda wheezy little giggle. he covers his mouth w his hand. and the video captures that. when yoosung posts it, ppl Freak out about it because it’s so uncharacteristically adorable...

there’s videos of them going on trips or just new places in general... going for hikes and exploring maybe.. idk. lots of cute stuff.

saeran takes one of yoosung when they’re at the spca?? or some place like that. idk (i dont like pet stores but maybe a pet store).. and.. yoosung just has his hands and face pressed to a glass partition/window/whatever that has a puppy behind it. maybe multiple puppies. and yoosung turns around w/ the Most desperate, pleading expression anyone has ever seen. (saeran knows he has to say no but it’s so hard omfg)

and obviously there’s lots of little clips of video game stuff. teasers of the game content itself or their playthroughs. maybe a video of one of them sitting on the couch or a computer chair playing a game and getting angry lol.... (or saeran getting frustrated w/ a handheld game that’s supposed to be really calm like... animal crossing. idk sorry i just love the idea of saeran having a 3ds and playing chill games like that to help him relax when he’s anxious omg)

.... there’s also lil videos yoosung takes but he decides that they are private, for his eyes only... little moments like one where they’re getting ready to stream and saeran’s adjusting one of the microphones

and yoosung quietly says hey to get his attention, and saeran looks over and smiles real big and genuine w/ lots of love and tells him to “Stop goofing around. C’mon, put your phone down and help me finish setting up.” and it’s. sweet and happy and cute... yeah.

BUT uh...

yeah!

that’s all for now !!

#yooran #. gh0st blabs #forgive me... no lectures on fridays means too much free time.

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djsproket · 6 years ago

Text

Remembering the Past

I really need to clear the air on a lot of things so my friends can understand who I am and how this journey has taken me on some serious ups and downs. I was in a serious relationship for pretty much the past two years (almost ) of my life .. My past serious relationship with my x-wife was for 20 years. We where high school sweethearts. My mental ability to be faithful and loyal to a woman is like a rock that cannot be broken. At 36 years I discovered my best friend had been sleeping with my wife for over 5 years of our marriage. The level of betrayal that I felt still echo's in brain to this day.. I was a hard working computer tech and burned the candle at both ends writing music and DJing on the weekends. While I was away my wife was with my best friend in my bed .. It's hard to do something your passionate about when you beat yourself up over being away all the time after that .

I was a pretty responsible guy. I purchased my own house at 25 and I earned it. Nothing was given to me . I lived a drug free life and kept things simple except for my music. I really had purpose dreams and ambitions for our future. I wanted the family life except I learned I could not have kids. The woman I loved since I was 16 years old and the only woman I had ever been with filed for divorce. If the divorce was not enough to break me I also lost my close friend. Two weeks after she filed in 2010 I get into a car accident and I broke my neck in two different places. I also break my left femur and my hip. While I was under for reconstructive surgery for my hip I almost die twice. I spent going through my divorce in physical rehab . She took advantage of me being on pain medications and being physically broken. I was so passive that I gave her the house and trusted her claims that we would work it out which never happened. I carried all that weight for two years of my life .

I was self destructive out control I had lost everything. I was lonely and shunned all of my life long friends. I didn't trust anyone and stayed locked up in my room. Dec 2012 my family has a Christmas party and I was super depressed because everyone in my family is married happy wealthy with kids and there is me. Man I just wanted to die. My mom hands me a cheap cross on a necklace before the party and I put it on not thinking much about it. I get so depressed at the family party I sneak out and go home. As I am standing in the driveway I look into the stars, I grab that little cross and pray for God to send me an Angel. The very next night on Christmas Eve God answered my prayers and sent this quiet beautiful woman that I fell In love with at first site. We smoke a joint together and cut up like we knew each other forever . I just knew that I was supposed to be with her for the rest of my life. My little Angel was so beautiful and tough on the outside but she was so fragile on the inside battling her inner demons. Her wings where broken. She had very low self esteem for someone so gorgeous. She had my full attention at all times.

I did not want to make the same mistakes from my marriage so I put away the music/djing and devoted my life to her. All I ever wanted was my Angel to be whole again. I put her over all the problems I was still dealing with from my divorce. I just could not believe that this beautiful woman that I had before me felt she was ugly and didn't have a high opinion of herself. I wanted her to feel beautiful and sexy again. I wanted to make love to her like the world was coming to a dismal end tomorrow. Even though I was fighting a serious battle with depression I pushed myself to make her happy. She was and still is the most beautiful woman I have ever met. It was then that I realized I no longer thought about my x wife. I started to have feelings and emotions that where so much greater than the feelings I ever had for my x wife. She was now my best friend and lover.

We lived together for over a year and when I would get depressed or down on myself for the mess I was in she would be there. I really don't know how we wound up to this point. I just wanted her to feel sexy and I was already showing her some things in the bedroom so being the artistic freak that I am I took some pictures of her in a naughty outfit catching the light behind her and leaving a dark shaded body facing the camera. She was so beautiful. I then created her fetlife account and helped her post the pics which gave her so much attention she was overwhelmed with wanting men who would tell her just about anything.. She finally felt sexy.

I say all of this because how we have wound up not speaking to each other just saddens my heart. For her to say Im immature and a boy just weakens my sanity . For her to say I have had a negative impact on her life just destroys me to the core. If standing up for her and what is right means im a boy then so be it. I am not the monster you talk about. All outside influences have no clue what struggles we went through. Most of these people around us have there own personal agendas with her wether its to just have sex with her, or compensating for there unhappy marriages. I just sit back and watch in disbelief.

How did we get to this point... This man that stands before you is honest enough with his emotions that he doesn't care if he looks like a fool amongst his peers. This man doesn't hide his sensitivity or loving nature to boost any false sense of bravado. This man still wears that cross on his chest from 2 years ago knowing that all is not as bad as at seems. Drama is conflict between two souls that is required for balance in any relationship. A man knows when he is wrong. A man will always ask for forgiveness. A man will always fight for your honor even when it does not shed him in a positive light. A real man does not prey on the weak. A real man will offer an olive branch instead of seeking revenge. A real man loves unconditionally. A real man communicates with his loved ones leaving no resentment or anger to carry over to the next day.

I really don't know whats being said about me at this point and I really dont care because I know who I am ... I love myself and I don't have to be be anything other than myself for anyone to see the good person I truly am.. I love you .. I miss You .. I am willing to discuss anything. Immaturity jealousy and insecurities weigh heavily on any person not willing to resolve issues but instead lack the courage and self preservation to confront them in a adult manor and communicate to one another..

#fleurtygreeneyes

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