#dont guilt me. dont make me feel like i HAVE to for any reason but especially bc if i dont 'im not really a good person' or 'not

[cheugyphobe]

i hate that i have such a hard time saying no to my dad. there’s a family reunion in goddamn idaho in the summer and i have no real reason to not go other that i don’t wanna spend 5 days somewhere i’ve never been to and flying on a plane by myself would put me into a panic attack right this second

[snekdood]

ok but actually yall are so rancid you genuinely radicalize me in the opposite direction.

[sweetbabyrayn]

😓

[ghostprinceiii]

As soon as I get home I am never leaving my house again.

[reidrum]

if you keep asking | s.r

pairing: spencer reid x fem!bau!reader

a/n: this was requested with “if you keep asking me i’m not gonna be okay” or smth along the lines 😭 i am a glutton for hurt/comfort fics so if yall have any more requests send em in :)

summary: in which you’re trying to keep it together when you hear some detectives talking ill of you, and spencer isn’t gonna have it

cw: hurt/comfort, self deprecation, insecure!reader, bitch ass detectives, protective bau my heart, use of she/her pronouns

wc: 2.2k

_______

the bau team was filing into the bullpen after landing from their last case in seattle, everyone making a beeline for their desks to get a head start on their reports so they could go home faster. everyone, except you. it felt like you were on autopilot, remembering your last known movements and just repeating them for as long as you could.

the case in seattle was rough to say the least. the unsub’s mo seemed to change every minute, making any progress the team made obsolete. the only thing that seemed to be somewhat consistent was where the unsub was taking his victims, which meant the geographical profile was the most important part to solving the case, a task you and reid were assigned to.

it started off fine, you both had found the comfort zone of where the unsub would strike next to figure out how to catch him in the act. except the next time he struck it was completely out of the predicted range, and this time a kid had died. no one could have anticipated that happening. it didn’t make the loss hurt any less.

the team knew it wasn’t anyone’s fault, humans are unpredictable, and that includes serial killers. spencer made sure to tell you specifically that it wasn’t your fault, he knew how you’d get if someone didn’t tell you.

his efforts went to utter waste when you walked by a room at the precinct with detectives whispering about how “you fucked up the whole profile, that’s why that kid died” and “it’s clear you make the team stupider, how did you even get into the fbi in the first place?”

it wasn’t the first time your abilities were in question. you were the newest member of the team, having only transferred six months ago from cold cases. you may be new to the field, but there was a reason hotch chose you personally for the bau.

you tried hard to prove yourself, despite pretty much everyone saying your skillset was enough proof. you’d stay late to finish reports, do extra research on cases to help garcia narrow her searches faster, and you spent countless hours at the training range.

you were a worthy agent, anyone who knew you or read your resume knew that. but right now, you felt like the smallest person on earth, an imposter. what the hell were you even doing here if you couldn’t save him.

you shouldn’t be allowed to feel relief that the team caught the unsub, not when there’s blood on your hands.

the bad thoughts swirling in your head causes you to stall your motions when you’re putting files away, gaining the attention of morgan, “you alright, sweet cheeks?”

“i’m good morgan, don’t worry.” you lie effortlessly. if he can tell you’re lying, he doesn’t mention it and turns back to his work.

taking a deep breath, you stand up to go to the kitchen to get a cup of coffee, when you run into jj finishing up making her own, “i was just thinking about you, i got this new creamer i think you’d rea-, hey, are you okay?” jj starts but ends concerned.

you try to focus on metronomic tick of the clock so you dont escalate, “i’m fine j,” you laugh unconvincingly, “what creamer did you get?”

she ignores your question, “because i know that was a tough case, and if you need to talk about it with someo-“

“jj, drop it, please.”

the blonde’s face drops a little at your sternness, but respects your space and offers you to try the creamer before returning to her desk. you feel bad for snapping at her, but the growing guilt within you is giving you apathy, and you can’t bring yourself to care at this moment.

you linger in the kitchen so as to avoid any more concerned faces, and you’re left to your own devices that are slowly overtaking you.

unbeknownst to you, spencer had been watching you since you all landed back in quantico. he kept his distance, mostly because he knew how overwhelmed you get at confrontation, especially about your emotions. he was the same way, a man of logic getting befuddled by emotion was enough cognitive dissonance to last a long time.

he knew it was different with you. you had a way of internalizing everything in your surrounding, a downfall to your endless empathy for others even if they never deserve it. he could explain the logic behind your beliefs, and hopefully use facts to help you relax, but that was the other thing he knew about you; you were stubborn. asking for help is something you hated doing, and if it wasn’t on your accord to be asking, it was even more detrimental to your mood.

so when he watched you duck out from the kitchen and push past the glass doors of the bullpen, he knew you were reaching the head of your doom spiral quickly.

spencer got up from his desk, “i’m gonna go check on her.”

jj nodded, “just be mindful spence, something feels different.”

they’d all been on cases that hit a little too close to home, how could they not when all they do is rid the world of the evilest of evildoers. but after a good cry, a rant to a teammate, or even an emergency therapy session, even the worst of the scum could be washed away.

something about the way you’ve been acting since they landed seemed like those fixits aren’t going to work this time.

he let out a sigh in response and walked out of the bullpen, realizing he didn’t actually know which direction you went in. assuming you’d want to be alone, he thinks the bathroom might’ve been a viable option for you and heads towards it.

the nice thing about the seventh floor is that it’s only for the bau, the bullpen was where the team spent most of their time but outside the doors there were so many empty rooms being used for storage.

so as spencer walked towards the bathroom in the hopes of finding you, his ears pick up on a tiny sniffle a little ways before it. he stops in his tracks, hoping he was just hearing things. but another pained sob rang through the door on his left, and he knew he’d found you.

he rapps the door a few times, softly calling your name, “hey, it’s spencer…can i come in please?”

you were on the other side sitting at one of the abandoned desks with your head down, but shot up at hearing spencer’s voice, “i- i’m fine i just needed a minute. i’ll be back in like two minutes, i promise.” you angrily wipe at the tears pooling on your face, grateful that you took your makeup off in the plane.

“honey, that’s not what i asked,” he starts, “is it okay if i come in?

your heart clenches at the term of endearment as you stare at the door knowing he was waiting for your okay to come in, and you start to internally weigh your options. you could let him in, and let him in to do whatever comforting you know logically would help. or you could lie, and feign ignorance to the end.

don’t they say ignorance is bliss?

you make sure to wipe the last of your tears and your runny nose before practicing a few fake smiles so it didn’t look like your face was frozen in sadness for the last thirty minutes. turning the knob you swing the door open, borderline creepy smile on your face as you greet the man, “hi dr. reid! was there something you were looking for?”

he furrows his brows at your complete (fake) shift in mood, but he comes in and shuts the door behind him, and moves to stand a few feet from you, “what’s going on?”

“nothing spence, i’m fine.” you insist.

spencer thinks if you could be more see through you’d be a windexed window. you’re avoiding eye contact with him, picking at the skin of your thumb, he can see your nose is red most likely from all the tissue blowing, and your eyes are still puffy and lined with some unshed tears still. you are so clearly breaking at the seams, like an old childhood teddy bear with stuffing falling out the sides yet hoping you can offer some semblance of stability despite your state.

“you don’t look fine, honey. why won’t you tell me what’s bothering you?”

his words almost make you falter, and you think the walls you built so high are starting to chip down. “it’s not a big deal spence, i-,” a hiccuped breath gives you away, “i can deal with it on my own.”

spencer instinctively shortens the gap between you two, “you shouldn’t have to. i just wanna help you.”

“but i’m oka-“

“no you’re not.”

there is only one tiny thin thread left holding you together. “well,” you take a deep inhale and your voice gets impossibly small, “if you keep saying things like to me i’m not gonna be okay.”

“that’s why i’m here.” he says softly.

you look up at him with the biggest glassy doe eyed look he’s ever seen, and it’s like spencer can hear the snap of the thread in real time when he watches your face absolutely crumble. he doesn’t hesitate to pull you into his embrace, allowing him to hold your head down in the middle of his chest while his other hand smooths up and down your back in comfort.

“i know, shh, hey it’s okay, i got you.” he comforts.

your hands wrap around his waist beneath his suit jacket and you keep your face buried in his chest, inhaling the musky vanilla scent of his cologne mixed with the fresh laundry detergent smell letting it ground you back to him.

“i’m sorry.” you cry.

“don’t say that,” he hushes, “is it about the case?” you nod in his embrace, “we talked about it remember? there was nothing we could have done. we did everything right, sometimes it just doesn’t work out, you know that.” he moves his hand to tangle in your hair and rub your head.

“i- i know,” you say through labored breaths. you take a big breath before admitting the true reason for your anguish, “when we were about to leave, i walked by a room with some detectives talking about how i ruined the case and that…i’m the reason the kid died.”

“what?” he pulls back to look you in the eyes hoping to find any indication that you didn’t believe those poisoned words, “we both worked on that geographical profile together, the whole team agreed it was accurate and acted accordingly. what happened was not your fault. at all.” he emphasizes the last two words.

“yeah but…i don’t know maybe i could ha-“

“stop. you can’t do that to yourself. we did what we could with what we had, the burden of that child’s passing does not fall on you. we were only able to find the unsub’s hiding spot when you figured out he’d been going to the same gas station since the murders started.” he reinforced to you.

“they said that they didn’t know how i even got into the academy in the first place, and that i make the team stupider.” you quietly added.

spencer felt the rage consume his body, already planning the ways he was going to obliterate seattle pd. he cradled your head to look at him in the eyes, “listen to me. you are an important asset to this team. you make this team better at what they do, you make me better at what i do. you mean so much to me and the team okay? please don’t forget that.”

he swipes at a fallen tear on your cheek as you tell him between sniffles, “thanks spence…” you hope he understands the sentiment and love you’re trying to exude to him, even thought you’re unable to vocalize it.

“you gotta tell me if something like that happens,” he softly scolds you, “i’ll make sure they lose their fucking jobs.”

you’re about to speak when he cuts you off, “and don’t tell me that we should be the bigger people, because once the rest of the team hears about this, they’re all gonna be fighting over who’s gonna kick the shit out of them.”

you let out a tearful giggle, “you sound really funny when you curse.”

he scoffs, “what the hell, i do not!”

“you sound like a baby duckling that just learned how to say fuck.”

he starts to guide you out of the room and towards hotch’s office so you can recount what happened, “ouch, i’m hurt. i’d like to think the pistol and fbi badge i carry makes me intimidating.”

you giggle again, and spencer puts aside his rage to revel in the fact that you’re feeling better.

when hotch learned of what happened he immediately called seattle pd to file a motion to get those detectives fired, and the rest of the team were secretly praying for a case in seattle again so they could, as spencer predicted, kick the shit out of them.

[simpjaes]

Thoughts on jealous Jay? Like is he gonna give silent treatment and then fuck you senseless or talk it out calmy and be a cutie and sulk like a baby till you give him attention and needs alot of affirmation (ITS A HORRIBLE ASK I DONT KNOW HOW TO DESCRIBE IT OKAY IM SO SORRY)

Oh.....oh. what if...both?

WARNING: could be considered dub con to some people, be aware of that. not proof read.

Three days.

It's been three whole days since your boyfriend last spoke to you, and your mind has been running in all sorts of directions to determine why. Three days, that's how long it took you to get it. That's how long it took you to wonder if Jay is planning to break up with you over it.

Over Sunghoon, and the way he called you mid-sex with Jay all those nights ago. He was just asking if you took notes during the last class since he skipped, that's all. You didn't even answer the call, but it's the fact that Jay glanced over at your ringing phone and saw his motherfucking name.

It was eleven at night. Why did he have any reason to call you so late? "Jay..." You make the same attempt you have been making each day, every hour, as much as you can to try and get him to respond to you.

And it's the fact that he still shows up every day like usual, like he's not mad at you. Yet, he leaves every night without a work towards you, not a goodnight kiss, not a hug, not even a "sleep well." "Are you going to break up with me?" You meekly add, noting how he doesn't even glance in your direction and, instead, sits on your couch as if you're the one invading his space. For the first time in three days, she shoots his eyes to you, narrowing them. Finally, some emotion. Yet, still...no words. No reassurance. Nothing to make you feel better, or to indicate that Sunghoon is the reason, or that he's not breaking up with you. Instead, you find yourself backing away from him as he storms up at you. Back, back, back until you're hitting the kitchen counter and unable to escape from him. He says nothing, he doesn't even kiss you, and instead you feel his hands pulling your shorts down too fast to argue. Then, you're being flipped around, further proof that he can't even stand to look at you right now. And, so, you let him. Whatever he needs, whatever he wants if it means he will finally go back to normal. You're thankful he does too. Though it hurts knowing it took him plunging into you from behind, pressing your face into the cold counter to actually open up about why he's upset. He had to treat you like you mean nothing in order to remember you matter, much, much more to him than either of you can imagine. And now, as you sit somewhat numb against his chest, he whispers the warmth back to you. Apologetic, guilty for having let his jealousy get the best of him. "Baby, I-" He pauses, knowing there's nothing he can do to erase the fact that he just fucked you without any care or gentleness. "I had it my head that you...were going t-" "It's Sunghoon, isnt it?" You blurt, looking at your boyfriend and the way he pouts and relishes in his own guilt. There's a small nod from here, a shameful one. "You ignored me for three days over Sunghoon?" Another shameful nod, proving to you just how insecure your boyfriend is and how much he probably needs you to reassure him that there's no one like him in your life.

[nereidprinc3ss]

hii i love love how u write spencer omds🥸

uhh i was wondering if you could write sth based off the song “we’ll never have sex” by leith ross? pls dont feel pressured to write this btw😭😭😭 hope ur having a good day lovely💗💗

hello my love i have no self control so this is extremely long and plotty but i love this song and i hope that this is any good at all crying emoji (i'm on a laptop LOL) enjoy!!

warnings/tags: angst/fluff, fem!reader, negative self-talk from reader, mentions of past sexual coercion/feeling used, mentions of past excessive drinking to combat social anxiety, ive been watching a lot of new girl lately and i think it shows, SO FRIENDS TO LOVERS, happy ending

You weren’t expecting to end up on Spencer Reid’s worn-leather couch at two in the morning, clutching a chipped mug of coffee in your hands as you listen to the sounds of the city from the street below. But there you are, sitting with your legs folded under you, in your favorite dress and first date-night makeup (now bleeding and smudged from all the crying.) And realizing that despite considering him one of your closest friends, you haven’t been to his apartment in a long time. There are, of course, good reasons for that—but you try to push those from your mind. 

“I’m really sorry about this,” you sigh, staring at your warped reflection in the glassy black surface of your coffee. Spencer is coming out of the small kitchen, now bearing his own cup. 

“Please, stop apologizing.” 

You glance up, tentatively studying him from behind the safety of your mug. While he may not have been asleep when you knocked on his door ten minutes ago, lachrymose and barely verbal, he must have been getting ready for bed. He’s clad in patterned pajama pants, mismatched socks, and an FBI crewneck that is just big enough to reveal the collar of the tee-shirt underneath. He’s already taken out his contacts, and you were startled by the reminder that he also has glasses. 

“So...” he begins, bringing you back to the present moment, “we don't have to talk about anything, if you don’t want to, but...” 

You sigh, watching coffee bubbles swirl like stars in a galaxy. 

“It’s fine. Honestly, I’m kind of embarrassed. I didn’t really think, I just... ended up here.” 

“Yeah... where did you come from?” he laughs quietly. “Not that I’m complaining. But I recall you not living super close by.” 

“No, no. I was actually on a date. Kind of.” 

“Ah.” There’s a beat of silence, and ostensibly Spencer is waiting for you to say more, but instead you take a sip from your mug. “At two in the morning?” You nod dully, staring at the labyrinthine pattern of the Persian rug.  

“I’m taking it that it wasn’t a very good date...?” 

A whoosh of air escapes from your puffed cheeks. 

“No it was not. Not by the end, anyway. It actually started really well, which made it even more disappointing when he...” you laugh, but there’s not much humor in it. “Well, when he kicked me out of his car on a street corner because I didn’t want to sleep with him.” 

You don’t look to see Spencer’s reaction—only take another long, baleful sip of coffee and ignore the heavy silence.  

“I’m really sorry. You... you deserve so much better than that.” 

An attempt at a jaded scoff from you falls flat. 

“Yeah, well. Tell that to the last three white house interns I’ve gone on dates with. It’s the same thing every time.” 

“Have you considered going on fewer dates with white house interns...?” The nervous humor is a thin veil over genuine critique. You shrug, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“It’s not just them. Every single guy I’ve liked since I was 15 has been like this. Even my past relationships, I felt like I was almost... tricked into, you know? I mean, these guys, they act all understanding and willing to take it slow or whatever, until you’re in a relationship, and suddenly they’re guilt tripping you so hard and making you feel so obligated to...” you catch yourself just in time, glancing up at Spencer. You’re not sure what to make of his expression. The drawn brow and slightly squinted eyes trained so intently on you could be sympathy, or anger, or pity, or apathy—you look away, not sure you even want to know what he’s thinking. “Sorry. You don’t need to hear all about that. Basically romance is exhausting and since I’ll clearly be single forever I’m considering running away to join a nunnery.” 

When he doesn’t respond for too long, you look back up quizically. 

“I’m not sure you know what romance actually is,” he says as soon as your gaze meets his, like the eye-contact activated some kind of hair-trigger in his vocal box. 

You blink, lowering the coffee cup to your lap. 

Says Spencer Reid? 

“...sorry?” 

He flushes, stammering to clarify himself. 

“I just meant—I—I know I’m not exactly fighting women off with a stick—” he interrupts himself with a self-conscious (adorable) laugh— “but... but I have been in love, at least once.”  

“Maeve,” you say, gently—trying to shove down bitter guilt as you remember how jealous you’d been when Spencer had first told you about her. “I remember.” 

He swallows and nods. 

“We never even met—we just talked. All the time. I had no idea what she looked like. But it didn’t matter at all. Because I knew her, and I loved her. Maybe things would have gone further if I hadn’t been calling her from public phone booths, but that wasn’t the most important thing to either of us. We were still in love.” You try to shut out the sharp ache in your chest. Being jealous of the way he speaks about a dead woman is so wrong.  

“What I’m trying to say is that romance isn’t solely about sex, or even physical appearance. It sounds to me like you’ve been with a lot of men who don’t understand that. And it would be such a shame for you to write romance off in general before you even get to experience it. You are... an extraordinary woman. You’re funny, and intelligent, and kind, and so capable of being loved. One day, someone is going to see beyond your pulchritude and prove that to you. I hope you let them try.” 

More tears blur the pattern on the rug, pooling in the rims of your eyes before spilling down your cheeks in fast, fat drops. Shakily you set the cup down, resting your elbows on your knees and hiding your face in your hands. You sniff once. Twice. Shake your head quickly, attempting to wipe the tears away without further smearing your makeup everywhere. 

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Spencer breathes, leaning forward but obviously unsure how to comfort you. “Please don’t cry, I wasn’t--I was trying to do the opposite of this.” 

“No, I’m sorry! You didn’t have to—you didn’t—I’m sorry. That was way too nice.” 

But you're not crying because he was nice.  

Someone will love you, but not me. That’s all you can hear. 

His voice is a mere whisper when he next speaks. 

“I meant every word.” 

You take a shuddering breath, allowing yourself a moment of reprieve behind the peaceful black of your eyelids. You can’t be looking at his face when you say what you’re about to say. 

“I had a crush on you for the longest time, you know.” 

Ringing silence. But it doesn’t last as long as you’d imagined. It’s not as world ending. 

“Had?” 

The little smile in his voice is like a fist around your heart. 

“Yeah. You know what changed?” 

“What’s that?” 

Absolutely nothing. 

“Every time I got super drunk and started hitting on you, you’d just drive me home. And I did it a lot. Like, for months. But you were such a gentleman. It drove me fucking crazy. So eventually I figured you just didn’t like me and I gave up.” 

Another stretch of silence. A breeze comes in from the open window, fluttering the curtains and cooling the tears on your face. His response is sad when it finally comes. 

“You thought I didn’t like you because I didn’t try to take advantage of you when you were drunk?” 

“Pretty much.” You smile ruefully, fingertips still pressed over your eyes. “God, listen to me. No wonder I get treated like garbage.” 

“Stop. Don’t talk about yourself like that. Did you hear anything I just said?” 

You sniff, looking to the ceiling. 

“Yeah. Yeah, you’re right. It was really sweet.” 

More silence. 

“But you don’t believe it.” 

A bitter laugh poisons the air around you. 

“I don’t know.  I’m kind of tired of waiting for someone to prove it to me. Just for once, I want someone to be interested in me beyond having sex in the back of their fucking... Range Rover, or whatever. Like, maybe all that stuff you said is true, but there’s no evidence to support it, and I know logically you’re probably right but I can’t help wondering if... if I’m the outlier. Maybe there just isn’t someone for me like that. Maybe I’m just gonna be the sex in the back of the Range Rover girl forever.” 

A noise somewhere between a laugh and a sob forces itself from your throat and you bury your face in your hands again, shaking your head. 

“Wow, I am so sorry,” you say a little too loudly, “I did not mean to be this honest tonight. Did you spike my coffee?” 

“You are not the outlier,” Spencer whispers.  

You sniff, lifting your head haltingly to look at him. 

“What?” 

His voice shakes slightly as he speaks. 

“You said you can’t help wondering if you’re the outlier, and maybe there just isn’t someone for you like that. That’s not true.” 

“Spencer, those are just words. You can’t possibly know that. Statistical probabilities don’t count.” 

“That’s... that’s not how I know.” 

Your heart drops as you study his face.  

No. 

Surely he’s not saying what you think he’s saying. 

Surely he wouldn’t do this to you after you’ve just told him everything you told him. You have been harboring feelings for him for years. Since you met. He can’t just spring this on you one night because you’re a little bummed out. If he felt the same, you would have found out a long time ago; he had ample opportunity to tell you. There was a period of months where you practically threw yourself all over him at every chance you got, and he did nothing. So this... this is just cruel—something you’ve never known Spencer Reid to be. 

You stand up, trembling slightly with rage and grief and humiliation. 

“Don’t do that. Don’t say things that you don’t mean just to make me feel better.” 

“What are you doing? Don’t--” 

You scoop up your purse, trying to get to the front door as fast as your gelatinous legs will allow. More tears are streaming down your face now and you don’t need him to see what he’s done to you—to see how much you care what he thinks. 

“It’s fine. Thanks for the coffee, I’ll see you around—” 

A hand around your wrist stops you in your tracks 

“Stop. Just... please give me a second to talk, okay?” 

With nothing left to give, you turn to him. 

“Don’t be mean, Spencer. Don’t act like you liked me too. That makes me feel... so much worse.” 

He takes a deep, shaky breath, as if steeling himself. Tawny eyes bore into your soul, and you realize that there is so much sheer nervous energy radiating off of him it’s infectious. Your heart begins to pound as he speaks. 

“I’m not doing that. I’m being an idiot, because you just told me that you don’t feel that way about me anymore but... but I do. And I have to tell you now because for six months I tortured myself wondering why you would flirt with me so much when you were hammered and then act like nothing happened the next day. There were so many times I almost told you how I felt but I didn’t and now I am because even if it ruins our friendship you need to know that somebody... that I wanted to be that person for you. I still do.” 

Your heart is like an unmoored zeppelin in your chest, bumping against your esophagus and threatening to either burst or jump out of your mouth. You take your chances, whispering so quietly it’s almost inaudible. 

“You... you like me?” 

“Yes,” Spencer sighs. “I have liked you for a very long time. And I’m sorry—” 

Whatever ridiculous thing he was going to apologize for, you don’t give him the chance. Instead you launch yourself at him, capturing his lips in a kiss that feels so much better than it’d ever been in your fantasies because it’s real. You hear his sharp intake of breath, but it only takes a second for him to respond, cradling your face in his hands like you’re the entire world. For a moment, time bends. Years of longing, of buried dreams crash into the present in a brilliant, dazzling explosion.

And then, as quickly as it started, he pulls away. The absence of his touch is like a vacuum, so much worse now that you know exactly how it feels to have his lips on yours, even if it was only for a few seconds. How the hell did you live like that for so long? How are you supposed to live like that ever again?

“You’re not thinking clearly,” he breathes, tilting his head back toward the ceiling like he’s barely holding onto his self control. “You just want someone to comfort you, I’m not going to take advantage of you when you’re in an emotionally vulnerable state and confided in me which is manufacturing a false sense of attachment—” 

You grab his wrists, which still graze your jaw.

“Spencer, stop intellectualizing for thirty seconds. I promise you I am thinking clearly.” 

“You said you used to like me, past tense—” 

“Yeah, I did. Do you believe every single murderer who says he didn’t do it?” 

“No, but—” 

“Have you ever heard the phrase; a drunk man’s words are a sober man’s thoughts?” 

“Of course I have.” 

“Then what more could you possibly need to be convinced that I really like you? I already kissed you! What is stopping you?” 

Another deep breath is taken by him that seems to suck all the air out of the quiet room. Briefly, you wonder if you’ve made a terrible, terrible mistake. If you really do like him so much more than he could ever like you.  

Until he looks back down, eyes so golden-brown in the dim light, so kind and full of affectionate concern as he carefully assesses every square centimeter of your face, looking for... well, you’re not exactly sure what. It’s like he’s extracting every thought from your head, turning them over like sun-warmed stones until he finds what he’s looking for. He smooths his hands over your hair, brushing strands away from your teary face. Finally, after what feels like an eternity of holding your breath, he speaks. 

“I just want you to believe what I believe about you. But I don’t want you to have to rely on me or anyone else for your own self-worth.” 

“Well, don’t you think very highly of yourself,” you tease with a sniffle. He laughs—it's quiet, but his smile is so bright without even trying that suddenly you can’t remember why you’ve ever been sad. The small miracle of his laughter makes you feel so light, and you realize it has nothing to do with the way he makes you feel about yourself. It has everything to do with who he is. 

Once the giggles die down, you tentatively mirror his hold on your face. 

“Spencer, I don’t like you because you like me. I’ve liked you for an embarrassingly long time. I liked you enough that I gave myself a severe hangover at least once a week for three months just so I could have an excuse to flirt shamelessly with you.” 

A half-sad smile pulls at the corner of his mouth, and he gently swipes under your eyes. 

“You never had to do that. I would have welcomed your sober brazen flirting with open arms.” 

“Well... do you believe me?” you plead. His amber eyes shine. 

“I do.” 

“Will you kiss me?” 

“If that’s what you want.” 

You nod, rising on your toes to meet him halfway. 

When your lips meet again, it is sweet, and honest, and slow, and deep. Still, there is no desperation--no race to an imagined finish line, no clash of teeth and pawing hands. It is a kiss for the sake of it—as if it were the greatest intimacy. Not a precursor to sharing a bed, but something bigger than that in and of its own. Something just as worthy and important. For the first time, you think you’re beginning to understand romance. And while you wouldn’t mind if things did escalate, you also know that Spencer knows that’s not what matters right now. Because he actually understands you—he actually cares. He will wait until you understand that you mean so much more than that to him.

To that end, he pulls away, gently supplanting his absence with a kiss to the corner of your mouth. 

“It would be polite of me to offer you a ride home, wouldn’t it?” he whispers, like it’s the last thing he wants to do. You bite the inside of your cheek, coming up with reasons not to go. One ridiculous one arises from the depths of your memory that you know he won’t be able to say no to. 

“Or... I could stay here, and we could watch one of those nerdy foreign films you’re always talking about?” 

A slow, perfect, high-watt smile blossoms on his face, and you know you’ve said exactly the right thing. 

“Nerdy? Oh, my darling girl... Soviet-era filmography is far from nerdy. небесная машина will completely defy what you thought you knew about the life of an average Russian villager in the 1950’s.” 

“Oh, good. Because I’ve really been meaning to change the way I think about the average 1950’s Russian villager,” you smile, already closing in to kiss him again. 

------------------------------------------ 

epilogue

Three hours later, you’re crying because the life of the average Russian villager in the 1950’s was so much worse than you’d previously thought. 

“It was good, right?” Spencer asks as the credits roll over a bleak snowy sepia landscape, leaning back to get a better look at you. You sit up from where you’d been leaning against him, furiously wiping your eyes. 

“It was terrible! Why didn’t you tell me that everyone except the kid dies in the end?!” 

“Because that’s the whole point of the movie!” he laughs, pulling you back into him. “I’m sorry. I probably should have explained how depressing this entire era of film was outside of the US.” 

“And also how long the movies were. I was not prepared for how many five minute long clips of empty fields there were going to be.” 

“You’re right,” he ammends, wrapping his arms around you in a way that gives you butterflies and makes you sleepy at the same time. “Next time we can watch whatever you want to watch.” 

Time passes like that—you in his arms, watching weak light slowly flood the room with half-lidded eyes and listening to the sounds of the city waking up from the street below, underscoring the steady rhythm of his heartbeat. Thoughts float by like leaves on the ever-flowing current of your mind, and you’re happy to let them pass until one in particular catches your attention. 

“Spencer?” 

He hums, like he’d been deep in his own proverbial river of thought. 

“What does pulchritude mean?” 

It takes him a split second to remember the bit of conversation from earlier to which you are referring, but when he does, he chuckles, running his hand over your messy hair. 

“Don’t worry about it.” 

And so you let it float away. 

[lemon-shark-kat]

The Genshin Impact fandom is fascinating to me when it comes to fanfics, because I feel like I struggle to find any fics that really *get* the characterization of certain characters and I'm loathed to write my own because dammit I just want to read the specific itch I crave without resorting to creating it. Give me three more months and I'll cave in.

For example, Diluc is one of my favorites and I find his backstory fascinating in terms of his father Crepus possibly being more morally ambiguous than most fans are willing to admit and how little we know of Diluc's murder spree in Snezhnaya.

For example which Harbinger(s) did he have a run-in with? Will we find out more about the secret intelligence network that took him in, that he apparently had a high position in? Did he ever find the answers he was searching for? The list goes on.

It's hard for me to find the specific characterization of him I crave for in fics because I think his platonic relationship with Kaeya is incredibly nuanced and complex but I feel like his character often gets assassinated for Kaeya angst but like, the man had the worst birthday ever?

Imagine being Diluc, living through a literal worst nightmare. Your dad is dead after you failed to protect him yourself. Not only is your dad dead but he died after wielding a delusion--you dont even know what a delusion is but its clearly bad news. Why the fuck did your father have it and how?

On top of this, the Favonius Knights--the organization you proudly served and the very organization that your father heavily encouraged you to serve--insists on covering up the truth because it makes them look bad. The Favonius Knights, who are supposed to be honorable and uphold integrity, are anything but that.

Then your adoptive brother, who you've known for years and trust with your life, shows up and tells you he's been spying for a foreign nation since you were kids with the intent of harming Mondstadt and everything about your relationship is possibly all one big lie and well--how do you not snap??

Now, I'm also incredibly fond of Kaeya and he was just as traumatized by Crepus's death. He was wracked with guilt for *feeling* relieved that he didn't have to worry about betraying his birth father for his adoptive father since Crepus was dead. He anticipated Diluc's anger and felt like their duel was a punishment for his lies.

To me, it hints that Kaeya probably didn't reveal the truth expecting Diluc's understanding, but rather he knew how he would react and perhaps he wanted Diluc to strike him down in that duel. Or at the very least, he wanted to distance himself from Diluc and cut off ties in order to avoid emotional attachment stopping him from his mission.

I personally head-canon that Diluc withdrew upon seeing Kaeya's vision because well--why would the gods bless Kaeya with a vision if he truly had the intent to harm Mondstadt? So in spite of what Kaeya revealed, he isn't a threat. But there's still a lot of hurt there to navigate through.

I think it's fascinating seeing where they stand in present game because Kaeya obviously has the ideology of working the system from within. He stayed in the knights (even taking over his brother's position) and with Jean rooted out the Inspector and his cronies.

Meanwhile Diluc just isn't that type of person. He doesn't settle, he refuses to work in a system he views corrupt, he rather accomplish what he can outside of it. Curiously, he doesn't challenge the status quo beyond being vocal of his distaste of the Knights.

This is head-canon fantasyland, but I like to envision Kaeya and Diluc do use a lot of the same informants and collaborate on intel relating to the safety of Mondstadt (especially since Diluc can move in ways against the Fatui that the Knights can't due to political reasons) but they struggle to have the same connection as before.

For example, Diluc's story quest--Kaeya was essentially giving Diluc an alibi with the Knights. Even if Jean damn well knows who it is, they still have to have official documentation stating otherwise.

Kaeya is good at reading people, he has to be given how he was raised to be a child spy. But I like to think he struggles to read Diluc like before. Diluc is much more jaded, pessimistic, quieter than before. He prefers to work on his own as much as possible. From Kaeya's pov, the only person he's seen Diluc willing to fully trust enough to work alongside with is the Traveler, and he states as much.

The opposite is true of Diluc. Kaeya was his shadow, a quiet but inquisitive, witty observer. Cavalry Captain Kaeya is much more outgoing and friendly, his charm on full display. Did he ever really truly know Kaeya or did he only show Diluc what he wanted him to see? Is Kaeya happier this way?

Fanon often depicts Kaeya as essentially being barred from the dawn winery from the duel by Diluc himself, but I don't think that's quite the case. Much rather, given the reason he told Diluc that night, I think he views himself as undeserving due to unresolved guilt.

Canon seems to hint at all of this through his hangout and Hidden Strife, the latter of which is unfortunately a time-limited event that occurred before I even played (hoyo please stop having heavy lore drops occur in time limited events).

I think the two want to trust each other again, but both are afraid of destroying the tentative truce they have so they leave all of it unaddressed. Kaeya refuses to be completely truthful ever again and Diluc acknowledges the past but refuses to discuss it. The tragedy in their relationship that neither is at fault for what happened--it's a twisted emotional mess of grief and heartbreak.

The last point I'd like to touch on is the parallels between Kaeya and Diluc both being essentially child soldiers for their fathers' causes.

For Kaeya, being abandoned in Mondstadt to be a child spy is the most overt. For Diluc? Despite Crepus's strong ambition to be a Favonius Knight and to have a vision--neither happened for him. In Diluc's vision story, it states that he views his vision being a result of their "shared" ambition, hinting that his vision was granted after Diluc's strong resolve to achieve his father's dreams for him.

We know Crepus heavily encouraged Diluc down this path at very young age, given Diluc received his vision at age 10 and became the youngest Captain at age 14. In some ways, I'm sure Kaeya was a bit jealous of Diluc for having a loving father present in his life that was overtly proud of him.

I am not saying Crepus wasn't a good father, I think he cared immensely for Kaeya and Diluc both, but I do think he did some morally grey shit.

Diluc abandoning his vision is fascinating and it's almost never explored in fics. He is the only vision holder we know of (aside from the Inazumauns whose visions were taken by force) that had their ambition for their vision shaken in such a way that they voluntarily discarded their vision for a time and only took it back after reigniting a new ambition to have it (and as far we know the only allogene that faced no negative setbacks from using a delusion long-term without their vision present).

I don't know where to end all of this, except if you have ragbros fic recommendations that you believe cover it in a more nuanced way, let me know!

[thequietkid-moonie]

Darling wants to leave the Astral Express

[ HEADCANONS ] [ Himeko, Welt, March 7th, Dan Heng ] [ Honkai Star Rail ]

⚠️ Yandere, I don't support nor try to romanticize this toxic behaivor, is just for entretaiment

Penacony has done so bad to me!! Broooo, even when I know everything is alright im still crying for all that happened 💀

anywaaaas this idea has being in my mind for a while and im finally writing it!! Yaaaay!!! ❤️

Himeko

Himeko is incredibly sweet and caring towards her darling, for her you are like a beautiful and unique treasure so she of course will care for you, but she is also quite possesive over you, she is a greedy woman so she want you all for herself

Himeko is really carismatic and beautiful, she is well known across the universe and she knows it, she uses that same virtues that she poses to be able to lull you into trusting her blindly, she knows whats best for you and she only wants the best for you, so why don't just trust and follow her? Do what she told you and you will always be safe and will never lack of anything

As much as Himeko loves being with the nameless and traveling in the astral express her real reason to be there is a bigger one, a greedy wish she keeps to herself close to her heart, and now that you are in her life she wants nothing more than sharing her wish with you, she want you to be with her as she wins more and more

Himeko is incredibly smart and perceptive, and since you are her focus of attention right now she can easily find out your little secrets (something she is actually proud of and wouldn't be ashame to use against you with sweet words), so it wouldn't take her long to find out that you are thinking on leaving the astral express

A news that is not well taken, yes, everyone is free to join the nameless and leave whenever they feel like it, but Himeko doesn't like the fact that you are even thinking about it, he panics for a moment when finding out, why would you want to leave? You two still have a lot of to achive so why give up half way on your journey?

Himeko isn't normally afraid of speaking her mind off and she is really good with words, but right now she is out of words, she tries to calm her mind to make a plan to make you give up on your silly little plan and stay with her in here, her panic slowly scale to become anger, she feels a little betrayed by your only thought of wanting to leave, but no matter what she feels she will try to confront you with a smile and sweet words, she has done a lot of work to make you follow her to just lose you for something like this

Once she is ready she will sit down with you to take a cup of coffee (like many times before) and just brought out the topic out of the blue, waiting to see your reaction at being uncovered before trying to guilt-trip you by saying how everyone in the crew will miss you too much if you go, how bad Pom Pom will feel if you left him, how you'll miss all the following destinations of the astral express, and how improbable will be for you to see any of them again if you take in consideration how many planets are on the universe. She has her way around with words and it wouldn't be dificult for her to convince you, even if you are stubborn Himeko will be more and more pushy, pressuring you more and more with diferent arguments until you feel so bad of even thinking on leaving them behind, even make you feel selfish if it is need it

At the end, despite being quite proud of what she have did she will still offer you some comfort about the regret of the bad decision you almost did, and even if you seem completely convinced to dont even think about it again she will keep an eye on you from the next days just to make sure

Welt Yang

Welt is incredibly protective over his darling, he has a past story of fighting to protect but still losing a lot, and even if he had grown and become more mature that doesn't stop him from being worried about you, his feelings for you are so intense that he just can't help himself, however he is pretty subtle with his feeling and how he express them, after all he just wants to you to love him and be happy at his side

Welt doesn't even try to be manipulative but is thanks to his protectiveness and love that he end up taking advantage of his strenght and wisdom to lull you into a blind trust, he somehow just manage to make you follow his lead because he is the perfect one for you, gently taking you in his arms with the silent promise of keeping you safe

Welt came to the astral express by simple chance when searching for something but he decided to stay and is a choise he will never regret, he not only met people he can easily consider his family and have some adventures that make him feel alive but also could find someone to love and protect

Welt tent to pay close attention to you, between the adoration and the protectiveness his gaze is constantly on you, watching every one of your movés with adoration and slowly unmasking your secrets, he doesn't really mean to pry on your privacy but he just stare at you so much that he just find out. Thats why, when you think about the idea of leaving the astral express it doesn't take him long to find out, making him have mixed feeling about the situation

Before starting to overthink and even panic Welt want to watch you a little longer and see how convinced you are about this, Welt love you and want to share the rest of his days with you, to be able to be there to protect you and make you happy, he is willing to walk with you to the end of the world (although, he hopes that this is not necesary), he doesn't want this to be a test of his loyalty and love because if he has to chose, as much as it will hurt him, he will definetly choose you

Despite looking calm Welt is pretty worried about this whole situation, he doesn't want to leave the express, he cares so deeply about the crew, for him they are his family, but he wouldn't be able to live with himself if he just let you go like that, he just can't lose you! So he waits and studies you carefully, watching you with close attention to try to see if you are being serious on this

Welt won't be able to bring the topic himself, if you don't say anything he doesn't want to be the one bringing up this bitter topic, besides, if you don't seem too serious or convinced about leaving the express then it would only create problems where there aren't any (even when he can feel his anxiety slowly consuming him), but if you seem serious about actually leaving the express he wil just swallow the bitter feeling and have a serious conversation with you

If you really want to leave the express it would be quite saddening for him, he doesn't want this journey to end for him, not so soon, but he doesn't want you to force you to stay if you have found somewhere else you want to be. However, Welt isn't going to leave you alone, even if you insist that he doesn't have to come with you he will be with you, even if he has to leave the express too he will do it in he name of the love he has for you

March 7th

Since March doesn't really remember her past her darling is her future, once she falls in love with her darling she becomes incredibly clingy and affectionate, not really taking a no as an answer (and yet she isn't too pushy or forceful, she want you to love her), March likes to think that you two are meant to be with each other and you two will never get separated

March enjoy a lot being a nameless, she feels like she belogs at the astral express and that she owe them one since they were the one who found her, and since she firmly believing that you are destinsted to each other then she thinka that your journey on the astral express will last for a long long time

As much as she feels a little overwhelmed by all the problems the nameless have to encounter in the expeditions she is happy that you are at her side, always taking you from the arm and dragging you around to whatever she is up to, she feels like living a dream life at your side so getting to know that you are even just thinking about leaving the astral express it breaks her ilusion

In all honesty she will not find out by her own that you are thinking on it, she isn't that perceptive and even if she does notice she will imediatly deny it, not wanting to believe you are even thinking on something like that, but when she finally gets to hear it from you (either by you telling her or even overhearing you when you were talking towards someone else) she will imediatly protest, even interrupting you before you could finish your sentence by imediatly saying how leaving the astral express is a really bad idea, you two are having fun and the crew definetly love the two of you! she just doesn't understand why would you like to leave that behind!

Where you go she goes, and where she goes you go, thats how things work in March's mind, so if you ever leave the express she will definetly follow you, but she doesn't want to leave the express so you can't leave it neither! March still wants to keep visisting other worlds and she still haven't found out about her past, besides she love her friends from the astral express and she just can't leave them! she even acuse you of being incredibly selfish for wanting to leave the express

March is going to be in a really bad mood since she have heard that you want to leave, in her mind you two are now one and destinsted to be together forever but your little desire feels like a betrayal and she will even demand and apology form your part for even thinking in something like that

At the end you'll have no other option than even apologize for even thinking on leaving her and the rest, making sure you'll never think on that again before she holds you in her arms and thanking you for not leaving her, making sure you don't notice that she was manipulating you and just mask it as sadness for your choise, and promising to herself that she will find a way for you to dont even think on something like this ever again. Still, March will not calm down nor accept the apology until you swear in your life that you will never think in something like this again

Honeslty, this has put her in a really bad state of mind, she is in the verge of tears by the only thought and the more time you spend without apologizing and retracting your words the worst she feels, it feels like every moment you spend without apologizing you just get more convinced of leaving her wich lead her to be even more heart broken and even a little paranoid

Even after you apologized and promised to never even think on leaving her, March will take some time until she manage to calm down, scare that you would leave her behind to the point where she even have some nightmares about you leaving her all alone, making her be in tears more than once and indirectly demanding for you to not leave her alone even when being in the astral express

Dan Heng

For Dan Heng his darling is where he truly belogs to, with you he is just Dan Heng and not the shadow of his last reincarnation. Finding the Astral Express and being able to be a nameless is like a bless for him, but you is what gives his life a purpose and a meaning, you are where he truly belogs and what matters

Dan Heng is quite dependent of his darling, even when he is incredibly subtle with his affection and display of his obsesion he is clear with his clinginess and worry over you, if you are alright he is alright, if you aren't then he isn't neither, honestly he wouldn't be able to live with himself if something happen to you

Being really caring and even dependent of his darling lead him to watch over you at all times, wanting to be there for you for anything you could need, he is really smart but he is not so good about reading you, so it has to be that you give clear hints that you are thinking on leaving the nameless for him to actually see it

Dan Heng knows that his journey with the nameless one day will came to the end, but he wished it wouldn't be soon, however, you thinking on leaving the astral express is a great hit for him, he doesn't want to leave them just yet but he would be crazy if he continue without you, he tries really hard to don't show how truly paniced he is the moment he finally understand you have being considerating leave the express

Even if you aren't too serious about it Dan Heng take it as if you were already leaving, leading him the be over the edge, unable to sleep at night nor even take his eyes away from you, his mind is going back and forth of the fear of leaving the nameless behind and losing you, it take a while until the fear start to consume him and become obvious how bad he is right now and yet he is unable to explain his feelings to anyone, no matter how much the others ask he just say that he is fine and he doesn't want to talk about it

It isn't until he gains the courage to talk to you about it (and it has to be you who goes to talk to you because he doesn't feel the strength to bring out the topic), Dan Heng won't be able to say much but leave clear that he doesn't want you to leave the express, if you go then he will go with you but he doesn't want to leave the rest, all of them have done so much for him that leaving leaving them behind would be just unfair, he just doesn't know what to do, he doesn't want to leave any of you

At the end he is in such poor state that you probably just give up on your leaving the astral express for pity of him, he is in so much distress, no one has seen him like this before that is even heart-breaking (he even seem even worst than how he gets for his nightmares). If at the end you decide to stay he will try really hard to make it up for you and make sure you are happy so you don't think on leaving again, but if you decide to leave he will go with you but it will become more dependent of you, getting worst of how he already was

[crumb-crumblet-s-crumbington]

for your "Eveline in back AU", why does she almost call Mia mom??

OK REAL QUICK!

this is my view on mia and evelines relationship!

i do NOT think they could have any sort of comfortable relationship after the events of re7

if u have a different opinion thats ok but dont get mad at me!

i think they would both hae a lot of conflicting feelings about what happened, mia a lot of guilt and regret and eveline with a lot of bitterness and resent

i think mia would blame both herself and eveline for what happened to the bakers and ethan and she would feel very guilty, though she does know that eveline was a source of a lot of the pain and violence, i dont think she would be able to just adopt her as her new daughter in my eveline is back AU which is why despite the fact i plug really any ship i want into that AU i have trouble making comics/drawings where the main ship in it is mithan

i really just dont think they would be able to comfortably live with each other, they relationship is too strained and broken, i really dont think mia would be able to just get over the fact that she was imprisoned for 3 years and forced to try and kill her husband by this little girl and then ADOPT said little girl

it just doesnt make sense to me 😅

giving eveline a second chance is a fun concept to explore but it wont work with EVERYONE

as for the reason eveline almost slips up and calls mia "mom", thats because i belive that despite the fact mia made it clear that she did not want to play a part in evelines "family" she is STILL like the first person eveline imprinted on. she still wants that perfect family with the mom and the dad but she knows she cant have it and it makes her really bitter and angry. she wanted mia to be her mom and do things the way she wanted and be a happy family but its so complicated and it really frustrates her

[ikealoki]

old order headshots + headcanons because hell yeah

i dont really have a hc for soren but the idea od him being missing is so interesting. its confirmed that ivor (and harper?) were on a mission to find him but obviously havent. the easiest answer is he went back to the end, but thats obvious meaning he/they probably looked there and he clearly isnt since they havent found him. so where the hell is he? theres no chance that hes in the portal network because of jesse being in posession of the flint and steel and hed have to way to get around without it, but considering hes a master builder and knew where ivors lab and enchantments are maybe he made his own?? i dunno. but its interesting. i wish that if there ever is a season 3 (highly doubt) we’ll get some closure on him. the only reason he wasnt in s2 is because the team said they wanted new characters, but considering how sparse soren was i feel like it couldve worked. but like i said i really want to know where he actually went and how his books got everywhere, its a fun concept.

gabriel!!! i dont know why he doesnt get more love hes amazing. but id like to think he lives near beacon town, not near enough to know about the admin shit but near enough to where jesse could get to him if hes needed without it being a whole ass journey. i think hed like to be more involved but feels too much guilt about the old order’s actions and feels like a fraud despite the fact that he is actually capable.

ellie my beloved. i understand any and all soregaard shipping but i like to think of them as having a sibling dynamic, like ellegaard has the older sister role whos exhausted by his “quirks” but will defend him with her life if anyone was judgemental. nerd club!!! also i feel like theres like a really intricate baroque style painting of her somewhere, maybe soren made it and its tucked away somewhere in his base. i know thats oddly specific. but it just feels right.

magnus!! (this is the one im most proud of)

i dont have many thoughts about him but i think hes bald on purpose. like his hair is too much of a fire hazard and his paranoia drives him to shave it off, even though he has his stupid ass fishbowl helmet its his way of staying on guard.

ivor!! this one isnt actually done because the filed corrupted while i eas working on it :( so i just did final editing on a separate application after screenshotting what i could

but as for hcs id like to think if he ever did/does find soren that hed encourage his work with endermen after learning what he was really doing. maybe making enchantments or potions to help him work among the endermen more freely or things like that. id ljke to imagine thered be an instance where jesse would have to go to the end for something and among the end cities theres a little cottage style structure and ivor and soren are just in there sharing their recent adventures over tea or slow dancing to one of sorens records. theyre in love JUST TRUST ME PLEA

and thats it! if u want to use any for anything feel free jusg credit meeee @ ikealoki 🗿

[mymoshangthoughts]

the amount i wanna explore the immortal alliance is just So Much

okay there are LAYERS to how i feel about these events

because look guys, so far as we understand, airplane is a pretty normal dude. a bit of an internet troll (ok a lot of an internet troll), a horny writer, and an immature punkass who's completely shameless, but like... he's not a mass murderer ya'll.

it KILLS ME that we never got an airplane extra about the immortal alliance because dude HOW HE FELT ABOUT THAT IS A LOT

yeah, he's grown up in this world and yeah he might have had no choice either via the system or via mobei jun or a mix of both, but its absolutely bonkers to be able to just walk off "yeah, a bunch of CHILDREN died in really brutal ways directly because of my influence". like shen yuan was wracked with guilt for years and he only 'killed' one kid and he knew that kid would walk it off.

and i dont buy the explanation that airplane wasn't treating pidw like a real world because frankly... i just dont think that makes any fucking sense if he was born there. yeah, it's gotta feel a bit wonky and unreal with the system in his head, but dude he was BORN here. suspension of disbelief that this world wasn't 'real' wouldnt last a few years, much less several decades. the sheer number of people he would have met, interacted with, and knew were REAL wouldnt make it possible. i do think that he made a huge effort not to get attached to anyone, knowing that bing-ge was gonna kill the fuck out of basically all of them, but theres a big difference between "ahh yeah that guy is gonna die so imma try not to get attached" and "lol ive lived in this world for thirty years but i dont actually think any of this is real"

so look, theres two possibilities for airplane's reaction:

he really does have a seriously fucked up side of him thats 100% okay with murdering children

he was VERY not okay with what happened but he had no choice and he's just Coping the best he can

there's also some answers in-between, but fuck i need to know this answer so badly because knowing the answer to how airplane reacted to the immortal alliance is SO character defining and it drives me insane. characterizing a person who can justify children dying because "not my problem, idc" versus someone who's horrified and traumatized over the part they played in child murder IS KINDA A BIG DIFFERENCE

personally, im coming to a headcanon somewhere in the middle. because tbh none of the airplane extras really spend any time addressing him feeling any sort of guilt over the situation. which does make it seem that he really does have a seriously dark side to him. and he did walk off his fellow disciples getting murdered by mobei jun very easily. but also, i headcanon that he is just the Master of compartmentalizing shit that fucks with him. cant deal with the events of the immortal alliance? thats fine, imma just put those feelings in a box and Never Think About Them.

i actually like to think that airplane's issue with the immortal alliance is the exact reason that mobei jun showed up in person. airplane is doing the immortal alliance thing because the system isnt giving him a choice and he's trying Very Hard not to think about "oh wow, theres gonna be a lot of junior disciples dead by the end of this haha, wow, they look so young ahhahaha, did teenagers always look like toddlers??? bc this is fucking me up REALLY FUCKING BAD" and mobei jun notices that something is Really Wrong with airplane and he cant decide if he's worried or suspicious of airplane's behavior

so he decides to show up in person, just to make sure shang qinghua isnt gonna pull anything but also that the idiot doesnt die while he's acting So Weird

but i think that airplane is like hyper pragmatic

so he's horrified in the planning stages and maybe even in the execution stages, but once it's over he's very much "they're already dead, theres no changing that, theres no point agonizing over it" and its not that he's OKAY with what happened but he literally cannot justify tearing himself apart over people who are dead because that isnt going to help anything. they're not alive to see him upset over it and even if their ghosts could see him, they're not gonna really feel better over dying bc "the guy who killed me feels really bad about it"

i also think that the years airplane spent growing up as shang qinghua play into it A LOT. he's had decades to come to terms with the immortal alliance happening. he knows its a major plot point, it's basically one of two major plot points that shang qinghua has a part in, and the system is unlikely to let him get out of it. so he's spent a longgg time numbing himself to the reality of "im going to murder dozens of children"

this is all my speculations tho and i just wanna rip my hair out that we dont have an immortal alliance extra!!!!!! i just want to KNOW instead of guessing where his head is at. literally, if he doesnt feel any guilt over murdering children, that's kinda a Big Deal characterization-wise. and if he does feel guilt but he doesnt express it thats ALSO a Big Deal characterization-wise!!!

I JUST WANNA BE ABLE TO ACCURATELY PORTRAY HIS PERSONALITY FFFFUUUCCCKKKK I HATE THIS

anyway, im obsessed with the idea that mobei jun is the one who notices when airplane is Not Okay even when he's compartmentalizing like crazy. like airplane is so far down his hole of "its nbd and idc" that he actually believes it. he has to believe it to be able to live with himself. but the way he's fucked up shows up in other ways, maybe he's more forgetful than normal or scattered or clumsier or some mixture and mobei jun just Knows something is wrong, even when he doesnt know exactly what that wrong thing is

and like it becomes this thing where sometimes mobei jun knows airplane better than the little shit knows himself. airplane is so busy lying to himself to cope with his new reality and mobei jun sees through the lies that airplane believes.

but heres where mobei jun hits a problem lol. like, he knows theres something wrong, he knows how to read shang qinghua suupperr well, but does he know what to DO about any of that? absolutely not lmfao

"hm. qinghua is not okay. i should beat him four times today" LIKE THIS MAN DOES NOT KNOW HOW TO HELP EVEN WHEN HE UNDERSTANDS THE PROBLEM AND THAT'S HILARIOUS TO ME

like mobei jun shows up to the immortal alliance like "qinghua has been in pain over this. i'll show up unplanned and beat the shit out of him in front of everyone. that'll help."

i just think these two are an absolute disaster area and i love it

btw i am desperate for mobei jun's pov during the immortal alliance okay because LOOK

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT ALOT

AND IM CONVINCED THAT MOBEI JUN /DID/ HAVE FEELINGS FOR AIRPLANE DURING THAT INCIDENT

BUT ALSO

ITS COMPLICATED

like i dont think mobei jun is simping like binghe, i think he's got some weird mixture of denial and affection and frustration and pining and hatred and suspicion thats all mixed up in all the best ways that during that time he is super in love with airplane but he's also got a lot of other Complicated feelings toward him AND I JUST WANNA SEE HIS POV TO PROVE MY HYPOTHESIS SO FUCKING BADLY WHY THE FUCK DO WE NEVER GET HIS POV IMMA SCREAM

mobei jun's fb status "its complicated"

airplane's fb status "single"

mobei jun: ...........im going to murder him. im going to murder him in his sleep. omfg i hate him so fucking much. WTF DO YOU MEAN SINGLE, YOU ASSHOLE

[listofwhyyouloveher]

could i possibly get the gang x reader (seperate) with a hard of hearing reader who wears hearing aids and always feels guilty because she has to ask people to repeat themselves a lot?

Summary: The Gang x Hard of Hearing Reader

Warnings: none Author's note: im gonna play minecraft im so excited...is this fic bad guys..is it bad. i am i lowkey losing my touch (no imnot pls dont leae ve me ) PONYBOY CURTIS thinks that you should never feel guilt for something you can't control. He doesn't really understand that you don't know it however, and it wasn't until he found you crying to realize that was actually a point of insecurity for you. He then makes it a point to always hold your back and make sure that you're not uncomfortable or feeling guilty. He's happy to ask people to repeat themselves over and over if you can't hear them. JOHNNY CADE has actual super good hearing. For some reason he's got really sharp ears. Its a struggle adapting to such different abilities in a relationship but you wouldn't have it any other way. He's always watching your back because of his advanced hearing, alerting you when there's people or cars and such. He never wants you to feel guilty for yourself so he makes sure to speak loud and clear to you and to repeat or ask people to repeat things. SODAPOP CURTIS loves to talk, but he finds no issue with your hard of hearing. He's just as happy as to talk louder as to just talk in general. He loves you way too much to give a shit about that. If you can't hear what people are saying he'll ask them to repeat it. You guys have a sign for when you want him to ask it. STEVE RANDLE also lowkey can't hear either. He's just as clueless as you to what people say, although most of that is his ignorance. It's a lot less embarassing when your boyfriend looks crazy too. You always have to ask each other "what did you say?" so much that Two Bit jokes that you say it more than you say "I love you". TWO BIT MATHEWS loves to repeat himself anyways, so having you around doubles as an excuse! He likes to repeat himself in different way because it was a habit he picked up from taking care of his sister. He has to persuade her to do things by phrasing it correctly. He never wants you to feel guilty and remembers to remind you if you start spiraling. DARRY CURTIS already yells around the house because of Pony and Soda getting into trouble. The volume in the Curtis house is always pretty loud except when its their family dinner, so you can always hear pretty well. He makes sure no one ever makes you feel a slightest bit bad for your hearing aid even going as far as to bribe Dallas with a new pack of cigarettes to keep his path away from you. DALLAS WINSTON is also lowkey hard of hearing because of his many head injuries spanning the whole 17 years of his damned life. He pretends he can hear things sometimes or tries to play it off nonchalantly, but he secretly can hear almost nothing! He tries to teach you how to play it off, but you genuinely need to be able to hear things so he ends up looking a little silly, but he forgives you because he cant bear seeing you upset for some reason.

[vortexbloom]

OMG U WRITE FOR MAVUIKA!??!?!? WHATTTTT??????

Bro I dont think I have seen a yandere fic of her which is down right torture since NATLAN LITTERLY CAME OUT MONTHS AGO???

Either way, would it be ok for me to place a request for her?

If yes, could I please ask for some yan! Mavuika hc with a darling who is on hunger strike?(bacically refuses to eat unless freed)

Also, how r u? How r u feeling? Let me tell you girl(sorry for the long ask/request/idk😭), you and anybody who is willing to write for yandere Mavuika, deserves nothing but painless periods with 0% cramps.

AHHHHH 😍😍😍 Thank you for the sweet words (same goes to you 🎀), I‘m doing good btw. I hope you’re doing good too <333.

And you’re so right, like why doesn’t anyone write any Mavuika stuff?!!! 😭

Like yesterday I searched for some Mavuika stories, but the search only showed me Masterlists for some reason 💀

So I decided to take matters into my own hands and feed myself and all the Pookies that also need Mavuika Stories/Headcanons etc. 😤✨

Yandere Mavuika with a Lover that’s on Hunger Strike (Headcanons)

Pairing: Yandere Mavuika x Reader

Fandom: Genshin Impact

Warnings: Obsessiveness, Force Feeding, Threatening, (intended) Self - Harm, Manipulation

☆ ────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆── ☆ ────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆── ☆

Masterlist - Genshin Impact

Moodboards - Genshin Impact

Masterlist - Honkai Star Rail

Boycott List

☆ ────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆── ☆ ────⋆⋅☆⋅⋆── ☆

English isn’t my first/native language, so there might be misspellings.

I do NOT own any Characters !

Have fun reading this :D (Especially the sweet anon that requested this 🫶🏻)

Obsession Fueled by Control

Mavuika sees your hunger strike as a challenge to her authority and love. It frustrates her deeply but also heightens her obsession. In her mind, your refusal to eat only cements her need to "save" you from yourself.

Manipulative Tactics

She plays the role of the caring lover, bringing you your favorite meals and pretending to be heartbroken over your stubbornness. She’ll whisper soft reassurances: "I only want what’s best for you, my darling. Why won’t you trust me?"

Breaking Your Resolve

Mavuika might employ psychological tactics to break your hunger strike. She would eat in front of you, savoring every bite while commenting on how delicious it is, knowing the scent and sight might tempt you.

Force Feeding

If desperation takes hold, she might resort to physically forcing you to eat. Holding you close, she might sweetly yet menacingly whisper: "I can’t let you hurt yourself, love. If you won’t eat willingly, I’ll make sure you do."

Threatening Self - Harm

When all else fails, Mavuika might turn to dramatic acts of self-harm to guilt you into compliance. "If you won’t take care of yourself, I’ll make sure we both waste away together!"

Have a good day/night/evening/morning/afternoon ☼꥟☽

[rekino2114]

can you do fem denji x male reader

Fem. Denji getting jealous

A/n:normally for a genderbent post I'd change the name to a feminine version of it but I can't think of anything for denji so it stays like that, also credit to x.zora.k on Instagram for the art.

"Look at that bitch, shamelessly flirting with my man"

"You can't even hear what they're saying"

You and denji were on a date (aki came along to make sure she behaved) when a girl she didn't recognized approached you and started talking to you, apparently you knew her so you two started walking away and talking with each other, which made your girlfriend very very angry.

"I don't need to, look at how she's acting, she's definitely flirting with him"

"I think she's just being friendly"

"As if, I know flirting when I see it"

"Like I said, you can't even hear it"

Denji ignored aki's words and started glaring even deeper at the girl

"What is it?"

".......my bobbs are bigger than hers right?"

"............I'm leaving"

"IT WAS A GENUINE QUESTION, I can't let her take y/n from me"

"And that's what you care about?"

"Obviously"

"*sighs* I need a cigarette"

"You can go get one if you want I'll just-.....*gasp* OK THAT'S ENOUGH"

The chainsaw hybrid was one step away from pulling the string on her chest before being stopped by aki.

"Stop. What happened?"

"DIDN'T YOU SEE THAT? SHE WAS HOLDING HIS HAND, THAT'S WAY TOO FAR"

"That's still no reason to try and kill her"

"B-but what if she's a devil trying to gain his trust to kill him"

"I find it highly unlikely, but go ahead if you want just know that I won't object to any punishment miss makima decides to give you"

"Ugh- fiiiine"

The blonde girl couldn't do anything but groan while waiting that you finished your conversation (while aki went away to not deal with whatever was about to happen)

"Hey babe, sorry if I took too long, we can continue our date now"

"You expect me to act as if nothing happened? You ditch me just to go hang out with some flat chested slut?"

".......she's my sister"

"And I'm not finished yet if you-........wait what?"

"Yeah, she came to Japan without telling me, it's been over two years that I don't see her so I just got so excited, I'm really sorry for what I did though, I should have prioritized you"

"N-no it's fine I should have been more trusting of you"

"Oh were you jealous?"

"Heck yeah I was, she was holds your hand, I should be the only girl allowed to do that.....I-I mean except family members I guess"

You giggled and approached your girlfriend then held both her hands in yours

"Is this better?"

"Yeah thanks"

"I think I know one way to make you realize you're the only girl I love"

You kissed her deeply and after a moment of surprise denji melted into the kiss not letting your mouth go for a while.

"Shit, that felt good, alright you're forgiven"

"I'm glad, how about a cuddle session to make it up to you even more"

"Yay cuddles!"

You held her hand and you started walking together, denji put her head on your shoulder to admire you with a bit of guilt in her eyes.

"Hey, sorry for earlier again, I wanted a boyfriend for so long, so when I got you, I guess I was scared of losing you"

"It's fine, jealousy is totally normal...... just don't insult my sister again"

"Yeah, dont worry......My bobbs really are bigger, though."

"*chuckle* you never change, but I guess that's one of the reasons why I love you"

Denji nuzzled into your shoulder and closed her eyes feeling the warmth of your words seep into pochita

"I love you too"

[tessasturns]

do you even love me?

a/n: yes i finally decided to sit down and actually write something while blasting conan gray 😍😍 anyways i got a little smth for y'all, it is angst so yeah lmk if you want a part two to this !

warnings: some swearing, matt is lowk a dick, angst, use of pet names and y/n !

(masterlist)

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as you were typing aggressively on the computer in front of you, you hear a familiar voice from behind you. "babe" matt whined. "when are you coming back to cuddle" you turned around to see matt laying on the bed with a bored expression. "just a second matt, i have to finish writing this email" you sigh. matt knew you had a lot on your plate with work and school, but right now he didnt care. "can you please come cuddle for a bit?" he complained from the lack of touch. "just give me five more minutes babe" you say, turning in your seat to work on the unfinished email in front of you. "you said that ten minutes ago baby." he stated, a hint of annoyance in his voice. "all you've been doing is work and school, i feel like you never make time for me." you are now fully turned around in your seat, a look of utter confusion painted on your face.

"excuse me? matt, im really trying here." you say, trying not to start any arguments. "well, i would sure like it if you tried in our relationship." he mumbles, knowing he sounded like a jerk. "matt, i dont think you understand" you began. "i have to deal with my family, i have work, i have school and so much more. you just get to fuck around with your brothers for a living." the boy who was once laying on the bed is now perched up on the edge, arguing with you.

"y/n, my job is serious. there is so much work that goes into it and you just dont understand. you'll never understand." he says. you are so tired and burnt out that you dont even care to fight back, you simply just try to reason with him. "matt i-" you begin but the brunette cuts you off. "y'know, it's funny. i try so hard and care so much for our relationship but you just try to hide us away like you hate me. have you even told your parents were dating?" he spits. "matt, i dont think you-" you start, but once again are cut off by matt. "i bet you haven't. do you even love me?" you pause for a moment, staring at the man in front of you.

"matt, this isn't worth fighting over." you say, trying to deescalate the situation. "are you sure? because i truly cant think of the last time you actually did something nice for me." matt says. "matt, are you being serious?" you ask, hoping he knows how hard you are really trying. "yeah, i am." he says, you both are now standing, trying to reason with one another. "then i dont think this is gonna work." you say. you know you dont mean it, but do you? this argument had come up maybe six times in the last week, and you've grown tired of it.

"w-what? are you breaking up with me?" he asks, in complete disbelief. "i-i dont know matt." you say, your voice barely above a whisper. "answer the damn question y/n!" he yells. the argument, something that was a small thing, has now become a full on fight between the two. "i- no! i just- i-" you stutter, grabbing your computer and shoving it into your bag. "can we talk about this later?" he grabs your wrist, pulling you over to him. "no. we're gonna talk about this now." you try to compose yourself in front of him so you don't break down into tears on his bedroom floor. "matt let go of me!" you say, loud enough to gather the attention of the others in the house. you suddenly hear a small knock at the door.

"y'all good in there?" you hear chris say from outside the room. you and matt are quiet, both awkwardly staring at the floor. chris cracks the door open, peeking in. "yeah. we're good." you finally say. "i should go." you gather all your stuff and walk out, saying a quick 'bye' to chris as you walk out of the house. matt can't help but feel a pang of guilt, knowing he might've gone a little far with the argument. he accepts the fact that you're obviously pissed, so he decides to back off and give you space before texting or calling you.

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a/n: hii so this is like my first angst fic so PLEASE don't be a silent reader, feedback is much appreciated! thanks for reading!

blessings and riches, tessa:)