#dont fight me @ the proportions i dont care

[aliaology]

HIGHWAY DONT CARE

summary: after a big fight with your boyfriend, you take your truck and take a long drive. he keeps calling, trying to tell you that he cares, not the highway. too bad your phone is dead.

pairings: luke hughes x fem!reader

warnings: hints at a car crash, speeding, sleeping while driving (please stay safe when you guys drive!)

you put your hair up before hopping inside of your truck. you ignored the crying pleas from your boyfriend to stay home. that it wasn't safe, but you didn't listen. no, you were pissed and tired. you just wanted space.

you drove off as soon as you could, windows rolled down. the loose strands of hairs blew with the wind as you unconsciously sped up. the normal five over, turned to ten, which turned to fifteen. soon enough, you were going twenty over the speed limit as you got onto the highway.

the fight with luke would seem small to the outside, but it was the biggest one you've had in the three years you had been together. it seemed simple, you were gonna move to new jersey with him next year, giving you time to finish your time in umich and time with your family down in tennessee.

he didn't like that. you two wouldn't see each other for almost a year if that's what you decided to do. he would be going to new jersey this year with jack, for the devils, as soon as summer was over. you would be miles and miles apart, luke couldn't do it.

so he suggested online schooling or even transferring to another school in new jersey, that way he could be with you before you went down to tennessee for next summer. the entire thing was blown out of proportion and it happened right before you two were to go to bed.

so here you were, speeding on the highway, eyes feeling heavy. luke tried calling you, multiple times. "im sorry y/n ma- luke stop! can't come to the phone right now. please leave a message after the beep." rang through his ears each time. the worry flooding his body every time your voice cut through to speak your name.

your phone was dead, lying on the passenger seat. your speed continuously increased as your eyes grew heavier and heavier. you slowly felt yourself falling asleep at the wheel.

"baby, come back home please. i don't know what you are doing but the highway doesn't care about this shit, y/n. just come home, i care. we'll figure this out, okay? if you stay in michigan can you at least reserve breaks for me, baby? come back please, i want to fix this." luke spoke into the phone. he wanted you to answer so bad.

luke immediately perked up when his phone rang. he didn't bother to look at it as he answered. "hello? y/n?" he spoke.

i cant live without ya, i cant live without ya, baby

"hi, is this luke hughes?" a woman spoke.

luke knew. "uhm, yeah, yeah this is him."

"well, mr. hughes, you were put down as y/n matthew's emergency contact. currently ms. matthews is in henry ford hospital-"

"is she, is she okay?" luke breathed out.

"only time will tell, mr. hughes." luke scoffed and hung up.

the brunette boy grabbed his jacket and immediately rushed to his car. he was now the one doing twenty over the speed limit, rushing to get to the hospital. the only difference? he was wide awake, adrenaline coursing through his body as he prayed you were okay.

erm angst

[roseworth]

Can you expand more on the types of the things Dick fans say or do that make you dislike his character?

(context)

the thing about dick grayson is that he is an extremely popular character but the way some people talk about him you would think that hes an unappreciated side character. i think that there are certain fans that need to remember that he has been consistently showing up in comics for 80 years so if hes out of character or left out in one book it shouldnt matter. like im sorry for your loss maybe you can wipe your tears with one of his other 10000 appearances

i feel like any time dick is slightly out of character in a book i see people writing paragraphs about what was wrong with his characterization no matter what the book is. if hes a side character in a book someone will be there to say "um☝️ this is out of character because dick didnt save everyone??? 🤨 why did the main character get the focus instead of dick 🫤" like!!! not everythings about him!!!! and a lot of his fans love that hes an extremely skilled fighter (and im not disagreeing with that!! he definitely is) but because of that they get upset whenever he loses a fight no matter what. even though sometimes to tell a story you need the character to lose sometimes. and i know that a lot of that is because people need to feel the need to defend him after t*m t*ylor wrote him like he was incompetent. but i stg its every time he gets hit someone says "actually this wouldnt happen and this is out of character"

also i feel like people shit on jason and tim fans all the time for stealing traits from female characters and projecting them onto their fav batboy (rightfully so!!) but then i constantlyyyy hear about dick's Eldest Daughter Syndrome and how he represents the female experience or whatever. like i dont have an issue with that on its own, and i think a lot of the people who i see say he has eldest daughter syndrome are people who also talk about women so i dont mind it as much, but there are Other people who basically talk about dick like hes a female character while ignoring the actual women in his stories

speaking of treating him like a female character. im so tired of people saying that the ass jokes are problematic. like dont get me wrong! theyre annoying and unfunny and i dont like them! but some people are convinced that theyre terrible because they objectify him and sexualize him for no reason and etc etc. and the argument i hear over and over is "can you imagine how terrible it would be if they did this to a woman!" like. yeah actually. i dont have to imagine. theyre doing it right now unironically. i think this fictional man will survive if hes drawn with a fat ass sometimes. its not a good thing but there are some people that blow it way out of proportion because "omg why would they do that to him 😨" like i really cannot bring myself to care even a little

plus a lot of his fans will act like hes special in some way in terms of fighting ability or intelligence. and again i do know that he is a great fighter and is very smart!! but hes definitely falling into the same issue that a lot of batman fans have in the sense that they think hes The Greatest To Ever Do It and other characters get put down so dick can be better. so people want to believe that dick can beat anyone in a fight and always wins with prep time. plus there are people that think of him as the perfect character for any situation so there are dick fans going "if dick was there during the utrh confrontation everything wouldve worked out fine 🤗" and "dick actually wouldve killed any character who hurt his friends" and anything like that. because a lot of his fans just want to insist that he is bruce but without all the parts they dont like. toxic nightwing fans are so similar to toxic batman fans but its worse because they dont even think he can have flaws. at least batman fans know he sucks and hates everyone, but nightwing fans say all the great things batman fans say but without any of the issues

anyways. but i think most of the reason that he bothers me has nothing to do with his fans and a lot more to do with dc. just because i really dont care about him. so many comic readers love him so dc will obv appeal to the people that love him. which means that those of us who dont really care about him have to hear about him in every book. like hes just some guy why is he being treated like the most important guy in the world during dark crisis and absolute power. and i have to hear about how hes the heart of the dcu or the glue of the batfamily or whatever else they've said about him. i dont care!!!! at least when its batman being treated like dc's specialest princess all the other characters hate him. since dc thinks that all the readers love him they make it so all the characters love him. and i just dont care about him. im tired of them shaking him in my face and going "its nightwing!!! we all love nightwing!!!! hes the best!!!!!!" i want that twink obliterated

[tofapam]

AFTERWARD

Summary: Genya's S/O survived the battle fighting Muzan and how it effects her after it.

Disclaimer: Spoiler after the training arc and it contains angst with no fluff ending.

I'm sorry mate, English is not my first language

We got separated eventually, i was contradicted to believe in him at that time, i thought i could comprehend both of our trust that we build with each others from the start. He always tries his best to be better, good God he has a mind of his own, why did i think i have the authority to always save him?

Save him.

Save him save him.

Save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him.

Save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him save him SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM SAVE HIM.

I just want Genya to make a promise to me to survive, i didnt even care if i'm going to die here, im not a hashira after all, but no matter how i tried i dont have the courage to told him....

From the look of his eyes I know he waited for me to say something, but this is not a place to show expressions, I don't wanna get distracted.

Who am i kidding, i was never good at expressing my own thoughts.

He survived fighting uppermoon 4 and 5, he'll survive this war, he must be, i dont need to tell him to survived, he'll live right? I don't have to worry too much.

The battle ended 3 months ago, many flowers are putted on every grave of the people that are miscarry after fighting Muzan with the others,"Zenitsu san, don't you think its disrespectful to whine about the time we have to put these flowers on everybody's graves?" Zenitsu keeps whining, althought it die down after i tried to talk with him to make him feel less tired and bored.

A few hours later, its almost done, only one more grave. "Tanjiro, can you tell the others not to wait for me after this?" Tanjiro raised his eyebrows,"is everything alright?" I tried to explain everything to him, thankfully he understands my purpose, i gave a smile to him as a silent thank you after i saw him leave with the others.

It has been a breezy day lately, its very calming, i have been waiting for this weather to come, I put the flowers on the graves, I never dared to look at its name. I always hate this one grave personally, last time I look at its name I can't even bear to hold my tears to look at it.

I still remember our last conversation.

He thought I would be the last person to stay on his gravestone, he was wrong.

I turned out to be the first person to leave his gravestone, i respected Sanemi for staying there longer than anyone could, because I know myself, if i look at Genya's name craved on the stone more than one minute I can't hold back all my despair.

Now, it's already 3 months after the battle. I thought i finally had the courage to look at your gravestone longer than before, Genya. But no matter how many times I tried i can't help to have such a heavy emotion.

"I'm sorry we didn't have a proper goodbye,"I don't even know how many times i said that word.

For a few months i try my best to keep on living until now, Tanjiro and Nezuko tried to make me ate more saying that my proportion was too small. I just thought, maybe if i eat less i could die faster so i can meet you, but will you look at me after i die? I doubt it, you're probably already feel happy to be with your family again.

One thing that is always on my mind is, if you still alive, will we still be together?

I don't even want to think about it anymore.

[clangenrising]

i think the hate comes from the fact she still does try to justify/excuse Razor, despite hearing from many cats how horrible he was to them. like we know he is an abuser and a rapist. she thinks it's bizarre/odd/whatever that his rape victim (Scorch) calls the idea of him being sweet and caring 'nightmarish'. brother or not, he is emotional, physical and sexual abuser, and she still seems to find it weird that cats dont… tolerate him in the slightest. that does rubs as rape/abuse apologism bc 'he was nice to ME and he is MY FAMILY, he would NEVER do something like that..' soo many irl families have sadly ('no way my son could had possibly violated someone. this bitch is clearly lying and trying to ruin our family' type of shit you know)

like yeah having to live for months with people (cats) who killed your family member celebrated it is harsh, i do give her that ofc. on top of her kitten crash and being more or less forced to tend them or else, and she is in no good shape to properly accept and internalize the Shadow Truth. but many people irl dealt with people like her, trying to bend over and backwards to justify their family members and friends, even after coming in contact with those who were deeply hurt by them.

That is a good point, I see where you're coming from. Clearly you've been very hurt by this kind of thing in the past and I hope nothing I've done made you feel more hurt.

I was just surprised because Mystique isn't like, for example, a parent who makes excuses for a son who has been accused of sexual assault and insists that he's totally innocent despite evidence to the contrary. She's a victim too, even if she was never physically or sexually assaulted by Razor. All of her denials aren't meant to hurt the victims or protect Razor, they're to protect herself from the terrifying reality of her situation. Does that make what she did right? No, and I don't think I've ever said that, but I do think it makes it less deplorable.

As well, its not like Scorch has told her "he assaulted me." Scorch is VERY private and so that stuff isn't public knowledge. I feel like there might be some projection on to her because of information the audience has that she doesn't. As far as killing Smokyrose, that was framed to the city cats as a casualty of war, not the murder of a peace negotiator, and to her is similar to if say, Razor were a cop who shot somebody. We obviously would find that terrible but from her conservative point of view that's just his job, to protect the city from dangerous cats with lethal force if necessary. When she got to the Clans that became more complicated for her and she's hasn't ever once claimed Razor was in the right to kill her.

What she did ask for was that the fight be solved peacefully. As far as she knows, the Clans are blowing Razor's actions out of proportion and jumping to killing him when there could have been a different solution. Like, imagine if you went to a village and everyone there was like "your brother is an evil murderer" and then failed to present you with any substantial evidence. Who would you want to believe, the strangers ready to kill him or your brother who has only ever been good to you and everyone you know (or at least, you've rationalized his behavior to believe that's the truth, lied to your self enough that you believe it)?

This isn't to trivialize what you went through or excuse real life cases of people who deny heinous acts. This is simply to say, I feel like anyone who hates Mystique isn't engaging with the entirety of the story I'm telling. I understand, though, that this could be because of a defensive reaction and I don't mean to put any blame on someone who might be feeling that way. This is a complicated topic and its possible for neither party to be the bad guy in this situation.

[pannotian]

are you one of those people that do(or did) carry around a sketchbook with you all of the time?

the way you draw people is so fluid and captures so much weight/form so simply. (especially in your sketches). like the way you draw everyone is so satisfying (that one steph sketch to the left of the tim/steph one you redrew is sooooo satisfying to me.

i keep trying to find a way to ask how you learned to draw that way (i know the answer is by drawing a lot)… but… how did you learn to draw people?

(ps what music do you like bc i am curious)

I used to carry around a sketckbook but I stopped because I pulled it out once in a blue moon. I was way too shy about it, like nobody careeess.

And thank you this is all very lovely to hear🙈🙈👼tumblr is like the only place I share my art cuz irl all my friends that would care to look are also artists and I'm scaredd, so hearing any praise is like angels singing.🫶 (Way more under the cut)

As for the way I learned to draw people- you are right, one of the main steps was by drawing alot, but other things defo count. One thing that majorly improved my anatomy and posing was studying proportions. Like 8 heads is the whole body and all its sectionings. I had one youtube tutorial that changed my life but I can't find it rn.

Another thing was drawing something very quickly. I take a picture or pause a video and draw that pose in around 60 seconds. That helped with establishing the key forms and lines of a body. And even when you're not drawing quickly, use a ref it helps so much. The human body has so many little details that are only visible from some angles that help elevate art.

And copying peoples style or drawings. Obvi dont trace but everybody knows that. My style is influnced by alot of people or things I see. I had Alot of influence from vapmberry(ig), underwaterlad(ig), nikola čižmešija, and I used to copy berthe morisot painting for class which eventually started reflecting in my pencil sketches.+ many more I forgot

Also comics really helped me evolve cuz everytime I read a comic its full of possible references and inspiration(good or bad depends). Seeing professional artists and how they portray a charecter or charecters interacting is very useful.

And draw big!!!!! Had the horrible but predictable art phase where all my sketches were so small, it's only going to set you back!!!!@@ im still fighting to draw a decent size.

Another thing- draw things that aren't human bodies. I'm lazy on this one but understanding form, perspective, shadows, and light on things like cubes, circles, or any object really can massively help. Also learning other things is nice. It's helpful in the long run.

Tldr: draw alot(🙄🙄 sry), study anatomy, draw quick, use refs, take inspo/copy, draw big (+draw things which ur not even interested in)

Also❕️❕️❕️❕️I am no pro this is not fact this is what I did. Somebody out there could prob explain this better and give better advice but oh well.

As for music thank yew for asking! Currently obsessed with baxter dury and animal collective. But my 4lifers are fka twigs, smashing pumpkins, massive attack, dean blunt and bar italia. Tell me urs😇😇😇

This was great to hear and I'm happy to explain or help further. Ur art itself is great and very inspired.

[milf-n-dilf-dippin-dots]

IM GOING TO KILL IM GOING TO KILL IM GOING TO KILL

Last night my roommate and I got some drinks- i shared some soju w him and hit the hay after packing away some stuff n tidying/rinsing etc

I leave at 9am this morning, 3 bottles of soju on the table, 2 cans of sprite and some snacks on the table "oh its fine, he knows im out im sure he'll tidy and throw out some of the counter rubbish for me :>"

Come home at 4pm

The only thing thats been done is the 8 dishes that were in the sink (lil cups, 2 bowls from dinner and cooking utensil) not including the pan on the stove

Nothing thrown away!! Im going crazy!!!!!!!!!

Be so fr gang, am i like. Blowing it out of proportion? Or is the fact that im the primary cleaner of the house insane.

Important note is that i have no choice but to be the person who does mostah the cleaning- because he sleeps 12 hours a day, waking up around 2 or 3 pm and not going to bed until 5 or 6 am.

I went away for 2 nights n i come home and hes like "oh i could finally get stuff done because im only productive at 4am"

Which hey man sure dude you do you i dont care what you do in yer free time-

But my ass isnt gonna go 'yes! Sure! You can vacuum and wash dishes late at night/early am! Even though it keeps me awake because i cant close my door!'

But i also dont want to end up being this dudes damn mother the fucking manchild doesnt even know how to mop properly- or vacuum properly! And he doesnt vac the carpet! Or wipe down the oven/benches after using em! Like cmon man!!

"Oh but maybe he didnt get taught!"

Dawg i am his roommate, at what point is it my responsibility to teach a whole entire dude how to take care of his surroundings. I saw his room when he moved out- it was bad. This dude borders of raw negligence of his surroundings, and if it wouldnt cause me the harm i would stop cleaning up after him just so hed suffer. And he leaves the tap running to wash dishes.

I dont know what i expected tbh- his parents built 2 houses for their kids next to their 2 storey spiral staircase chandelier having house.

Im fighting for my fuckin life over here- 300 rent a week, 125 a fortnight for a couch, 50 a month for wifi, etc while this dudes like "yeah i paid all my rent a month in advance, and i get my money from dividense" it makes me want to break his trachea.

Like lets be fr i am blatantly not a pleasant person, moreso in high doses, and moreso when i have to deal w someone who fucks their own life even when theyve gotten dealt the perfect hand of cards to do well.

Like, yeah man im sorry you cheated on your girlfriend of multiple years for 5 whole months then got sad about it and became an insomniac but im not gonna suffer your shit schedule and not sleep well because you wont see a therapist or take meds. Like is that my problem? To be clear im not a cunt to his face, but i am a cunt. And i am annoyed at him. Maybe i should commune like a normal person, but that involves me sitting this dude down to tell him he needs to pay attention to things like 'responsibility' and 'reasonable expectations'.

He had guests over a while ago and i ended up cooking for them all!! And cleaning up after them!! And making breakfast the next morning!! He apparently makes 1800 a fortnight and he spends almost all of that. He owes me money!! Sometimes i pay for groceries n he just has to pay me back! Like dude???

[hellishvxbes]

I realize I could be compliant and block you, but considering you have multiple other blogs, i really doubt you're going to stop looking. So why bother? I was going to message you directly, but you blocked me again before I could get the chance. And I'm not interested in sending anons.

I guess I am just waiting for you to get bored. because its really being blown out of proportion. and I'm saying this for everyone now, because I do not care what mental health problems you have, what disabilities, it DOES NOT give you the right to be an asshole. It is NOT a free pass to get away saying insensitive things to people and not to expect backlash from it so entitled as shit.

Whatever you are dealing with, it is YOUR responsibility to learn and deal with it. I am not your therapist. I can understand and respect that things get missed, social cues and all that, I have a lot of friends who like me are on the spectrum, ADHD, dyslexic. I have depression, anxiety and PTSD and guess what?? I don't make that everyone's problem. I respect people who can come to me and tell me if I missed the ball on something, or I was being rude or something i said bothered them. because if I dont know, how the fuck am I gonna learn?

Roleplayers are not their characters. WE ARE REAL PEOPLE, with REAL feelings. We have lives, we make mistakes. my issue with you, is you claim to have been straightforward but really you were just rude and tried to blame on it on the fact that you don't understand social cues and its why you come off as rude. but i think you are just rude.

I was really understanding of it before, when we talked. I told you many times, what the real reason behind why I was upset and you ignored it every time and only focused on what I said. I reached out solely to inform you that the way you word things is important and if you said those things to someone else? They would not be as understanding as I was. and i feel like a little bitch for admitting it but it made me cry when i saw your messages.

but yes, i dont expect everyone to be my friend, i wasn't naïve in thinking that we were but it makes people feel a type of way when you use them for information, ask for their help and then when you don't need it anymore you come and say how you didn't ever have intention of writing, or being friends and you're gonna block and move on ( which is laughable considering you haven't). And it made me cry because, in the last year, I have given so much of myself to people I DID consider friends and dropped me the moment i couldnt give them what they wanted anymore.

because the rpc has a big issue in not seeing their roleplay partners as people. they only exist to give them roleplays and that is not right or okay. and you did that shit on my birthday. when I was having fun with my friends, I had to stop and fight back tears until the end when I could finally be alone. and i dont say this for you to care, or feel bad. i dont really give a fuck how you feel at this point.

you were rude and inconsiderate towards me, and you've never once acknowledged your own faults. you lied to me about the real reason you wanted to block me, which is totally fine and respectable. but you could have just said that from the beginning instead of giving me false reasons and therefore me trying to find other ways to make you more comfortable. deny it all you want but that's what a lie is, you were misleading. and the moment I started to give you what you were giving me, which is disrespect, you ran away. which is why I am writing this now. because I know you won't stop. I know you won't confront me. if I bothered you so much the realistic thing to do would be to keep me blocked. but you cant? because I know internally its a you problem and actually has nothing to do with me. which is why I can be so calm and indifferent about it.

why I dont spend my days thinking about you, or talking about you. or bothering to try and look at your blogs cuz i dont care what you do or say about me or whatever else. its why i wont block you, because i dont need to do or anything actually. you're torturing yourself at this point. this will be the last thing I say on it though. i hope you figure your shit out. maybe go back to therapy and learn a little more to be better.

[softness-and-shattering]

And recognising that some jokes enforce the status quo means recognising that jokes arent harmless. Like suicide jokes, one occasionally can be funny or cathartic, but making them constantly changes how you think and hurts you.

I had this experience as a teenage girl, in a way I honestly suspect mightve tipped over into clinical paranoia but we cant diagnose these things in hindsight. Everyone in their various protective ways said "you are female, men are dangerous". "Men only want one thing. Cover up, dont walk alone at night even just down the street.". I became wary of my teachers. I thought any man walking down the street behind me was likely to rape or murder me. I became uncomfortable around family members who have never shown a single red flag. I also didnt have any guy friends. I got into womens venting facebook groups and I thought I was being careful, I thought I was being a good feminist. I thought everyone lived this way because thats what people kept saying.

Thats not healthy precaution. Thats not reasonable wariness. It was abject terror. And it was leagues out of proportion with any kind of helpful guardedness. Panic works in very specific situations, and long term living your life is not one of those situations. Long term anger and bitterness doesnt serve you well, even if its justified. Maybe especially if its justified.

The goal always has to be healing. Accurate threat assessment and logical steps taken toward safety with a couple backup plans. Im not saying get into a car with a guy you just met, or meet someone from the internet far away from other people. Im not saying love your oppressor. Just that once you add up all men and all cishets and all abled people and all white people etc etc thats most of the worlds population, and if you refuse to engage with them ir cannot civilly engage with them, youre cutting yourself off from multitudes of opportunities, and many many good people who are doing the work, who's hearts are in the right place, who can help you, who you can even befriend or love if that happens to be. You go out and you take and reasonable precautions, you trust your mind and your gut, and at the end of the day you go home to your ease and safety.

It is not justice or activism to be terrified. It is not ignoring or allowing oppression, to work towards healing from your trauma. If anything, healing is the best way to personally fight oppression. "Dont let them get to you" but with actual coping strategies instead of repression.

Anger is part of the process. Make bitter jokes. But make it part of the process of healing, not of everyday wallowing. And of course when its ongoing its going to be painful. Pain, like fear, is a warning of danger. Just make sure your logically verifying who specifically is a danger what circumstances are a danger, and what is only fear and bitterness holding you down.

i see "men bad" jokes as very similar to suicide jokes. like making them every once in a while isn't the worst thing, but if you Keep making them constantly. it DOES shape how you start thinking and you WILL become a more unpleasant and bitter person and also make people around you uncomfortable. and sometimes you just gotta choose to not make or engage with certain jokes, even if they are amusing to you, because its just not who you wanna be

[renbo-hater]

i have acquaintances... others may consider them as friends but sadly my heart just cannot open up to anyone else.

i feel like, the only person i truly cared about has abandoned me. and I dont really blame them.

i noticed it back when i was planning on visiting them to hang out and they even said yes and started asking if i was gonna sleep over and whatnot, and we agreed to talk about the details later on that day but... that person never called or messaged back.

i asked them, "hey, how should i go there?", "what time should we meet up?" no reply.

i felt it then.

it was the same tactic they used when they didn't want someone to go with them.

they were using it on me.

or maybe im just hyperanalyzing things and it got so blown out of proportion that it made their action feel that way but... i digress.

and so... i avoided them.

and that really affected my mental state, really bad.

i got hit with this unbearable and unfathomable feeling of absolute loneliness that i cannot even describe...

there's a "friend" that comes in my place frequently and we hang out, i listen to their problems and connect with them thru our shared traumas, but I dont think i can ever really fully open up to them.

i will never have the same emotional connection with this "friend" as i did with... that person who (i felt like) abandoned me.

and it left such a huge hole in my gut, that i will never ever be able to fill back up.

i will probably stay in contact with those acquaintances... but i can never ever really truly appreciate their company. because in the back of my head, i know... that they only know a curated version of me.

they'll never see me for who i truly am.

and for someone that knows who i truly am, to throw me away like a dirty piece of old and used rug— felt like a punch straight out of left field.

its like... nobody... will ever... love me for me.

i guess... they changed too.

I was foolish for thinking i was worth loving. that i was worth fighting for. that i was worth their effort.

no.

I wasn't.

i really wished i just killed myself back then.

maybe their sentiments of me will still be positive.

now...

i dont know.

im so tired of living.

[playingonedchess]

ive never really cared about star wars beyond entertaining films with fun fight scenes or really seen how itd be much deeper than that so the fandom on here baffles me a bit but escpecially how universially hated reylo is. like i enjoyed those films and didnt really have much of an opinion on their relationship other than it couldve been interesting and i dont think they had romantic tension it didnt really made sense that they kissed it wouldve been better if itd gone in a bit of a different direction but like i really wasnt that invested and like i dont think it was that bad mostly meh wasted opportunity. but like the fandom on here reacts way out of proportion its sort of weird. especially funny since if theyd both been guys it wouldnt have been universally shipped but would definitelly be big on here (like i get the impression it already is in other fandom spaces) and would be one of those controversial ones with loads of discourse but i feel like general consensus would lean way less into it being cringe and more into like unironically thinking its good?

[crashstanding]

I'm going to put my head through a fucking wall

my art sucks shit, I dont have a good sense of proportions or of angles or composition or colour, my ideas are plain and trite, everything I draw looks like ass

and if I hear one more "just do it"/"do it badly" I'm going to fucking scream. That can work for other people but I have been trained from a young age if I put ANY amount of caring into something and it doesn't look perfect, it'll get ripped to god damn shreds.

Like, my sister still jokes about me drawing pointy fingered hands when I was eleven. My mom made fun of the Tony picture the other day because I didn't sell the angle well enough so she just thought her foot was too big. Fern's upset about their characters not getting enough attention when I'm over here fighting for my life to make my rendered art look half as good as their fifteen minute scribbles and then tells me "just do it bad then"

I CAN'T! IF I CARE ABOUT ANYTHING, I HAVE TO DO IT PERFECT. THAT'S WHY I 100 PERCENT SO MANY GAMES AND WHY I ABANDON SO MANY PROJECTS

FUCK!!

This is stupid as shit, christ alive. Maybe I should have done what my brother did and gave up drawing before I even started

[offlinethai]

it hurts so badly to love someone an impossible amount. i didn’t even realize i was capable of feeling such fluctuating emotions or at least not of the greater intensity i feel now. i genuinely don’t know where i went wrong. i’m not sure if it’s because i’m weak or sensitive and maybe that’s why everything hurts the way it does. or maybe i just have a soft spot for you, and i can’t handle the way you get upset with me. sometimes i find myself apologizing without even knowing what, if anything, i did wrong. i don’t understand how this works. why are minor misunderstandings blown to such huge proportions? why does it feel like i’m always the one apologizing? why does it feel like i’m always in the wrong? i don’t understand. i feel upset all the time. i’m tired of being shut down on. i’m tired of the “ok’s” and the “don’t care’s.” why do you use such hurtful language with me? i dont understand. i’m tired of the preaching communication and then refusing to talk things out with me. i’m tired of feeling this way. why do i always want to work things out?

i want to because you are worth loving. i want to because i have such an impressive amount of love for you that i don’t understand. i don’t understand why you tell me that you don’t care or that i need to stop talking to you. it breaks my heart every-time. i stare at our texts through huge layers of tears; i wouldn’t have said that to you. i’ve made my fair share of mistakes. i’m not proud of them, but they are apart of me. i can take accountability, offer an over sufficient apology, and take whatever steps necessary to reverse my mistake; or if not; at least learn how to prevent this situation in the future. i want to be better, not just for you, but for me, and importantly, for us. oh, and i’m not perfect either. this all boils down to communication, maybe a little emotional maturity, but overall communication. i’ve tried to be direct to you. coming forward when something bothers me, being clear about my intentions, etc. i’m genuinely communicating the best i know how. you preach communication, and i agree. but how can you say i need to communicate to you, and then when i come forward i get “ok” “k” “don’t care” “aight” “nah.” there’s never ever been a time where i shut down on you like that. i would never ever do that to you. genuinely i’d fight to the ends of the earth to make us work and part of that is talking it out. i wouldn’t feel the constant intolerable way i do if it wasn’t for one thing: i’m scared. i’m scared to talk it out with you. it always ends up that way. i’m genuinely scared you’ll leave me. so why do i want to?

because i love you. from the bottom of my heart i fell for you because i know deep down you’re a beautiful kind soul. i’ve seen it myself so many times i’m so grateful for every single interaction i’ve had with you. i’ve seen the way your voice softens at night and how anything you say is the most comforting feeling in the world and i nearly melt at your words. i’ve seen your beautiful appearance and i do my best to make sure you know you’re genuinely the most attractive person ever to me. i think you’re so beautiful. why do you think i always ask you for pictures of yourself? nobody can even come close to comparing to you in my eyes. i’ve heard your adorable ass laugh and the way you laugh through funny stories before you’re even done telling them. i’ve seen every side of your amazing personality and i fell in love with all of it. all of you. and i trust you. you’ve seen more sides of me then anybody else. i trust you with all of me. i trust you with my past, present, and future. nobody has ever even made me feel the way that you do. i don’t even feel a sense of a “honeymoon phase” with you. you are such a lovable sweet boy i will express it as much as you let me. i want you to know that no matter what there’s gonna be somebody who always loves you because it’s impossible not to. you’re amazing. i know i can be clingy and i know i can be jealous and i’m sorry that you have to deal with it i just love you so much. i want so much for you. i want you to succeed in life and i know you can baby i’ve seen your dedication and i know you’re gonna get there. i have full confidence you’ll grow into an amazing human being. i’m so proud of you. i’m not sure if you need to hear this or not; but you’re not a burden. you’re not a hassle. don’t ever let anyone tell you you’re too much to deal with it because you’re worth it baby. don’t ever forget your self worth. i’m just spewing out thoughts in case we don’t make it. i really hope we do. i’d spend the rest of my life with you if you’d let me. but i’m not going to ask you to do that. i’m just asking you to read; slowly. that i love you. no matter what you’re feeling, whether it be complicated or confusing, i’m always here for you with no judgement. and no matter what: YOU ARE WORTH LOVING. somebody will always love you because i am a first-hand witness of what it’s like to love you and it is beautiful. thank you for being you.

i love you, so much more than you even know.

thai

[queermycelium]

Little life update

Btw ive been missing because doomscrolling was becoming a legitimate issue for me, so Ive been taking a step back from social media and I'm trying to mediate how much I use tumblr, down to turning off the infinite scroll.

I also have taken a full step back from POFG because the stress was getting to me. Ever since I started making games theres been some kind of either misunderstanding blown out of proportion or a kid in the public dev server causing problems and it's just way too much. I'm not naming names, i'm not getting into specifics, because frankly every "drama" thats happened in relation to the team was due to misunderstandings and mental illness and the ages we were on all sides (with the very few extreme exceptions where if contact is ever made again ill likely contact authorities) and im not here to bitch and complain on years old drama that i literally dont care about anymore, that doesnt affect my life anymore. It's pretty tiring to be in charge of something like that, and especially since in the last several years its seemed like most issues in server we had to moderate were minors fighting with each other, it was starting to feel like I couldn't interact with the "fanbase" because it felt more like

And then i'd watch my hello be swept into the void on a wave of things that were unrelated to anything I had been working on for them. I was feeling like there was no point in making these fan games because everyone moved on and talked over it. And so the server sat in my list and I stewed on it until I made the decision to leave a couple days ago.

I'm gonna still work on my game, and like I mentioned I will still answer asks on here and the blog for my project, but that's where I'm at now.

[myownprivatcidaho]

ultimately im glad for he confession scene but there are some lines of dialogue in there that have done a huge disservice to deancas so far as how the majority of tumblr fandom sees it

[vermillianthus]

Here with Beeleg, my government assigned warrior *jazz hands* this bad girl can fit so much *clenches fists* bees

[meruz]

ive been neglecting my inbox so im answering all the asks rn. sorry...if you’ve been waiting for a response.

yes go ahead!! Also ik it is hard to access my FAQ from the app but btw this is in my FAQ its very comprehensive because I get this type of ask a lot LOL. dw it’s not annoying though its easy to answer and I’m glad ppl like my art enough to use it and also care abt crediting!! its in my faq not because i dont like to answer but more so u guys dont need to ask LOL

thank you!! I dont see much infinity train content ever either. when i was making infinity train fanart everyday i felt like i was on an island LOL...

honestly I feel like cahiers are decent with posca because theyre not really absorbent and posca marks tend to sit on the page as opposed to soaking through anyways. umm i wouldnt like... use it to do a whole posca piece or anything but i use poscas just for pops of color in my sketchbook pretty often and it holds up ok. sometimes u can see the shadow of the color through the paper bc its thin but thats mostly it. i took pics of some sketchbook pgs and how the back of the page looks so you can see for yourself ( cw for bakudeku LOL ) ...theres a lot of like.. normal brush pen ink and india ink that penetrates the paper more like even compared to the black posca

thank you!!!! I love drawing assorted cephalopods... their proportions remind me of drawing digimon characters LOL.

not right now u_u I’m busy.... but you can always email me at isellhotdogs@gmail.com to check abt it! sometimes i will do commissions even if im busy because it sounds cool LOL...

lol thank you!! idk if i ship(?) them either but its interesting to think about!!! theyre funny characters to bonk together and i feel like most fanart ive seen doesnt address how funny their relationship could be if it were more exploratory i guess

yk that scene is kind of a meme now but it like genuinely still makes me emotional. when colette makes lloyd promise not to tell the others at the end it breaks my heart

yeah here you go

I feel like I’ve probably talked about this before in another ask post but i dont really think about style because its one of those things that artists should try to change depending upon intention, what you’re drawing and what you want to communicate etc. what people often recognize as style are quirks that an artist maintains throughout changing their subject and approach.....ANYWAYS. thats all to say my style probably just comes out of normal stuff like looking at other art and thinking “I want to do that” or trying out different mediums and methods and settling with whatever feels the best LOL. It’s always changing & growing! Because I’m always learning new stuff!

Theres a lot! I really like the scene when daisukes lying awake in bed thinking abt how ken’s heartbeat felt. And the scene when they have a sleepover and ken wakes up first and looks over to daisuke sleeping LOL idk subtle stuff you can read very clearly as like burgeoning queer moments.. theyre recognizable from my own queer childhood and i love that in a kids anime. also at the end of the series when theyre fighting the final boss dude and ken grabs daisukes arm to ask him to jogress but hes shivering and daisuke just turns to say “youre shaking....” and in revenge of diaboromon when ken goads daisuke into endurance running by taunting him about soccer LOL (jock romance). but one i rly want to mention is theres this youtube video about how ken and daisuke’s honorifics change over the course of the series and how significant it is when they switch over to first name basis and honestly i think about it a lot THEY HAVE GREAT SCENES!! I love ken and daisuke

wow!! thats rad... the sad truth is its just my name with like a shitton of letters taken out. sometimes i abbreviate it even further as mrz and i think to myself haha ... mister z.