#dont even get me started on the crack in the wall convo

[limblesstar]

some more of my fav durge quotes

[tfw-no-tennis]

mtmte liveblog issue 13

humansona time, hell yes

OH MAN I forgot about the stuff w/swerve and blurr oof

that panel of perceptor just saying random equations always kills me vhsdjhfkbjhksdfnka

also I love so much that they call perceptor ‘percy’ that's so cute

I love the implications here that people just Grab minibots and carry them around like luggage bc they are Tiny lmao

ohhhh my god I fuckgin love ‘I'm just wondering if there's time to expand my aura and cleanse the area of aggression’ ‘I...don't think so, drift’ hgbadjfjbaskdfs drift’s hippy nonsense delivered completely seriously pairs hilariously with his whole ‘violent guy with a bunch of swords’ thing lmao

also, IM NEVER OVER CYCLONUS SINGING TO TAILGATE, and also the security team mistaking it for cyclonus murdering tg hbhkjadfbjkhsdf cyclonus u icon

and tg looking at cyclonus all heart-eyes, omg 

drift showing rodimus how to swordfight...fellas.....

rodimus, being entirely ignorant to the irony in calling cyclonus and tailgate’s relationship strange when he and drift are Right There, being weird gay frat bros

did yall know, I love magnus so much. law dad

magnus saying ‘that's not even a word. id have heard of it’ about the word ‘relax’ is so funny god 

rodimus bribing swerve with a bar license to get magnus turnt is hbvhjakdbfhskf

never over rodimus portioning out drifts blood money to the crew for shore leave hubhjsdkhfdbjksd god 

despite tg lying about a good amount of his past, I feel like he rlly DOES see cyclonus as a link to a more familiar time, and that's a large reason why he’s so forgiving toward cyc

mannnn the stuff w/blurr and swerve is so depressing in retrospect. swerve is like, such a depressing character the more you think abt him vbhskjdhfbsk jesus

magnus trying to get in on the convo when swerve starts talking statistics oh magnus

idk what ‘the lube pits’ are but I Really do not want to know

‘the temple of the raging prism’ sounds fuckin bangin tho

I love seeing everyones humansona!! this art style is pretty simple, but I think it looks cute

rungs ‘human name’ being ‘mary sue’ lmaoooooo jro w/the self callout

also skids’ name being blank is a nice touch

still not over tg being a baby....poor guy

whirls humansona is so fuckgin good, also swerve looks like a hobbit

magnus basing his avatar on verity is so sweet ;_; I really should read all the wreckers stuff after I finish this reread

THE ABSOLUTE COMEDY OF MAGNUS JUST FUCKGIN PASSING OUT THE INSTANT THE ALOCHOL HITS...ICONIC

WHY would magnus accept a drink from whirl anyways lmao

tailgate is so cute

they rlly just left magnus facedown on the table and kept drinking huh. the irresponsibility....we love it

ARE YOU SURE THAT KILLMASTER IS DEAD, WHIRL? ARE YOU SURE ABOUT THAT?

rung don't lie, froid is your nemesis

WHY do we never get to hear more about skids’ apparent beef with misfire

rewind calling the swerve/misfire This early, wow

literally Everyone abandoning swerve to deal with magnus hgbvhfjdskdfbhs I fucking love this issue man

GOD I LOVE MAGNUS SO MUCH!!!!!!!! he’s such an interesting and unique character and hhhh I love him and his development

like, he was probably the biggest surprise out of everyone who agreed to go on the quest - ostensibly it was to keep order on the lost light, but it would make sense that magnus would get tired of being the Only one who cares about that sorta stuff on board 

drunk magnus is such a delight oh my god

magnus rlly just wants everyone to be safe :( my daddddd

magnus: I love all my children equally...swerve, rodimus, [looks at smudged writing on hand] dirt

swerve: see, magnus, that’s where you’re wrong - I ALSO have crippling depression!

cant believe they bought rodimus a hat vhbhksdfhahsjkdf

HHHHH GOD I FORGOT ABT THATTTT when cyclonus goes bonkers in order to stop rewind from playing the ark 1 footage and inadvertently outing tailgate as a liar....AUGHHHHH THE FUCKING...THE FUCKING ROMANCE OF IT ALL

POOR MAGNUS LMAOOOO

oh rewind :( you should really wonder a little harder where chromedome is right now...oof

everyone jumping on magnus while he’s passed tf out is SO fucking funny 

RUNG, PLEASE, WE REALLY DONT NEED TO THINK ABOUT WHATS AROUND THE CORNER. REALLY DONT

hhhhhhhhhhh I love how cyclonus sat tailgate down and confronted him about lying, but did it privately and not in front of everyone - and he even saved tg from being exposed as a liar, too. AUGH 

I feel like cyclonus is kinda impressed at how effortlessly tg has managed to lie this whole time, and tbh it IS impressive, especially considering tailgate was basically teleported 6 million years into the future and has no idea how the world works anymore, but was still able to lie convincingly. even cyclonus only realized bc of his own past, and not until now

tailgate ;_; ;_; ;_; 

cyclonus: oh no...im soft

tailgate and cyclonus singing ye olde cybertronian tunes together...OUGHHHH my fucking heart bro mY FUCKING HEART.

on that note: the song ‘to noise making (sing)’ by hozier is literally about cygate. thank u for coming to my ted talk

UGH GOD SWERVE STOP MAKING ME SO SAD, ITS NOT EVEN THE SWEARTH ARC YET

magnus had to like, get the robot equivalent of a stomach pumping after that hvbskdjfbhskdf jesus they really did almost kill him huh

I consider this issue forshadowing bc it makes 100% sense that minimus would be a Mega Lightweight considering he’s like 3 feet tall

the real quest that swerve is participating in is ‘the quest to get friends’ and so far its going pretty badly. poor dude 

godddd the thing that says ‘next: Overlord!’ with a fucking exclamation point I DONT APPRECIATE THAT. 

OHO i forgot abt the canon fanfic at the end of this issue

rung kicking things off with some good ole bodily workings-based dread 

ok but being so awed by the construction of your species’ anatomy that you wanna fall on the floor in amazement? that's a whole ass mood and I do frequently stare at walls for long periods of time, thinking about the marvel that is the human body. so rung is valid 

FROID NAME DROP LMAO. also yet again, are you SURE he’s dead?? are you????

the name ‘froid’ cracked me up almost as much as ‘rigor morphis’ did when I first read this...robot-based science puns! woohoo!

rung rlly b out here thinking abt overlords lips.....

‘forced browsing is not the autobot way’ lmao skids

also fr tailgate defs thinks that whirls actually name is nutjob

the entire segment of cyclonus browsing and everyone watching him and commenting is just. golden

oh no. don't make me think of rewind and his tiny memory sticks that he carries around. I'm NOT READY

magnus’ brutal read on rodimus and the fact that he’s more suited, personality-wise, to wartime than peacetime? oof. love it

I ALSO love that a big part of this issue was magnus admitting, in less direct terms, that HE isn't made for the post-war life either - his strict adherence to the rules and constant vigilance isn't exactly the best mindset for peacetime, for him or the people under his command

magnus’s hatred of metaphors and similes and the like....hvbsdjkfbasjhdf I love him

MAGNUS ILY...he’s trying SO HARD cut him some slack. i think his jokes are. yeah!

oh goody this text used "rodimus’s" so I guess that's canonically correct and I haven't been using grammar incorrectly as I had feared 

rodimus sitting ON his desk and doodling on it...adhd icon

rodimus calling rung a psychotherapist, which was rung’s grounds for a nemesis hvbhjabfdskfnkks

rung: as I'm sure you know I take patient confidentiality VERY seriously

narrator: That Was A Lie 

AUGH this hurts...rung trying to get justice for red alert but rodimus is in on the overlord stuff :( ouch

so issue 13! I fucking love this issue. just some good ole funney space hijinks, with some nice relationship development for tg and cyc - plus a revelation about tailgate - and some characterization for swerve and magnus. plus we get to see humansonas, which is always fun. augh I love this comic, and I am SO not ready for the next few issues, good lord

[obannthepunished]

Thiiiis weeks notes yall

unrelated matt finished with his usual speech but threw a “i love you very much” in there and i legit started crying bc that registers in my very broken brain as “yeah this is actually true” and that hasnt happened w/ anyone OTHER than matt in three years so yeah. fun

anyway, hope yall r ready for some heavy readin

unless i missed some, 826LA gets $800 this week from the nat 1′s so thats fun

rashnorkthings replied to your post: Thiiiis weeks notes yall unrelated matt finished...

they actually rolled 13 nat 1’s according to critrolestats

So I did miss some! I didn’t start deliberately counting for a while so eh, my bad

Yasha slept outside in the alley 8(

New woman at the barm human, 50s, black hair

"Fjord! Fjord, dont you DARE have fun without us!" - Molly, running away from skele vs person convo for fjord

trebuchet- throwing sandbags @ basket/line??? Either way 5 copper for three throws + Fjord pays for both himself and Molly

fjord gets...... two nat ones in a row. hits a mother in the face. rips a sandbag all over himself. Yasha and Jester pick him up and he gets ANOTHER nat 1 yasha and jester THROW FJORD.

Molly gets 19 on his first throw. ofc he takes it with a big ass bow. Jester takes one throw, rolls 6, straight up, STRAIGHT down, yasha + moll detangle her Yasha rolls 4 Molly gets a nice fuckin strawberry.

caleb nat 20s on a cup switchy game nott plays nat1 ofc.

Beau (+ Molly) lookin for some wild fuckin mead "dyou have mead that doesnt taste like piss?" "... i have mead that'll get ya fucked up. might still taste like piss." both beau and molly get the stupid strong mead

hammer bell game but with a rock. titans grasp? yasha + jester play YASHA RAGES. SHE. RAGEs. LOVE IT. 17, it tilts but doesnt turn over. roll2 24 !!!! and it TURNS FUCK YEAH

Caleb counts her money as she does from like 10 feet away i love him

jester tries and gets a fucking NAT 20 i love her, it rolls twice she only gets 7 gold tho cause yasha won the 44#

Jester cuts off a slice of caramel apple for a small child aw she buys them all caramel apples, except yasha who gets a candied apple instead bc theres only 6 caramel

"caleb! caleb! can you run detect magic on any of this?" -M caleb does that whilst molly plays distraction @ the tapestry booth *

symbol of the platinum dragon, very VERY gaudy, tapestry, run by a mid 30s half elf. that one is 10 gold. 7 feet top to bottom. oh yeah i forget mol has the platinum dragon necklace thats fun, thats a note to self

nott pulls the "caleb's my dad" "he just humansplained me" - nott oh Caleb's doing some archery "if you want to have a laugh, lets have me doing some physical sport" - Caleb

caleb ties his hair back awww bb, uses wire (later takes it out but still)

Nott gets a perfect bullseye on the far target AND the middle target, gets a bullseye on the middle + splits it and on the close target too

yasha (re rats): I thought... that was dinner...? Molly: were not eating the rats so nott gives her a rat candied/caramel rats.......... no

jester disguises herself and desecrates an alter but like, for the traveler so

beaus going arm wrasslin gainst a burly dude. and she loses ofc. yashas goin up against an even BIGGER dude. shes covering her face w her hair blass jester shouting about how beautiful her hair is he recognises her as xorhasian and she gets mad af and nat 20s him super hard but he catches it 8( nott distracts him with "kendall is getting to second base with your wife right now" Y: 21, twice, she's close to gettin him!!! 14 and theyre back to the middle. 14 and BACK TO THE MIDDLE!, 17 and shes on the push, 22 and theyre BACK to the middle fucks sake. 21 and shes succeeding again on the puuuush (i am so stressed), 19 YASHA WINS Jester wrasslin Nott to stop nott shooting gunther (sp) "BREAK HIS ARM OFF YASHA"

Yashas invited to join a merc group oof, but fjord chips in that shes spoken for bless

calebs busy trying to talk his way into the archive of the cobalt soul... cept he doesnt need to cause its open to the public with an escort. asks abt the hall of... erudition??? iridition? i shouldlook this up. that knowledge open only to stuuudents?? of the hall. and the headmaster "ormed?? hass???" thats what it sounds like idk

"i turn a corner and ffffffuhkin book it"

beau is so judgemental lmao Beau: cobalt's a good colour on you caleb: what? Beau: (shrugging) you look good in blue [break]

tournament time

"what is your name???" "Caleb and beauregard can you front me 16 gold" beau: beau: beau: here.>:I

Liam: Kitty. thats just the auto for him now frumpkin does fail the stealth check tho 8( hes not kicked just carried out and disappeared into the pocket dimension.

i wish i could hear good bc im decently sure liam made a mostly in character gag about caleb not taking his clothes off yet

FORMALLY DECLARED WAR ON XORHAS HOLY SHIT "return word to [the king] that Zadash prepares to join the front"

fjord tries to glean info so hard

caleb: it just occured to me, that starting tomorrow it will be more important than ever that we stick together jester: all of us? or just you and nott?

Beau reveals to Caleb that she is/was?? is?? part of the cobalt soul + can get him into the library, shows him the scripture on her belt as explanation*

clerics from the house of the platinum dragon out there as healers

menagerie coast just full of friendly folk confirmed [darrow's group is menagerie coast at visual identification]

half giant with spikes and terrifying jester: i hope we dont have to fight him beau: i want to be him "Germichael??? jermikael???" i like that one lmao

caleb puts his hood up.

big froggo creature to the asshole arm wrestle group. leader is swallowed and carves his way out

mighty nein is second. two doors, one creature, beast has large tentacle like arms, greyish brown mass 15 ft, giant mouth teeth, three tendrils, stinks real bad knew i shoulda brought kalvins monster manual to bed w me

Beau: 24 Molly 23 Creature Caleb: 18 Nott: 16 Jester, yasha, fjord: 6(66) beau uses her two WOODEN SWORDS (flavour to her unarmed strikes) two attacks, 13 is too low to hit

molly vm: YOUVE GOT NO ARMS (no effect) radiants his swords

gil continuesto fuck marisha.

NEW SPELLS!!!! caleb casts enlarge??? on yasha, doubles her size, cool shit

14 is its ac

hellish rebuke from jes: YOU STILL DONT HAVE ANY STUPID ARMS

yasha nat 20s does a total offff 41 dmg gets the hdywtdt, stabs through its whole entire head

jester medicines at beau for her poison, manages to cure it.

the line whatever, gunthers group goes down

jester gets on a wall. Giant fucking wolves???

Liam nat 1s 826la is gettin gud

Order: Beau (nat 20s) Jester Molly Yasha Nott Fjord Caleb

beau tries to treat the wolf as a dog bless

Molly's VM: BAD DOGGY (butt turkey lmao)and it hits!!!

oh shit fucking ice breath, 15 foot cone, hits yasha jester and caleb jes is cold resistant but we did already know that so

other one goes @ fjord + molly a LOT OF DAMAGE fjord saves molly doesnt. 26 points.

yasha nat 20's does a decent chunk of damage fjord hexes THAT one

caleb maximillians earthen grasps the one NOT hexed

jester runs across the wall and comes down on the back of the hexed wolf with her handaxe **

molly stabby, misses one, nat 1's "oh my god its a natural fucking one" which was fuuuurrry enpurrtaining

earthen grasp one breaks free, but that is its action sooo beau pulls by the tail and stops it fuckin movin on her attack of opportunity

yash NAT 20S AGAIN KICK ASS BITCH

fjord finally summons the wastehunter falchion, which nobody else woulda known about whoomph

beau: i wanna crack it in the nuts and then CRACK it over the back nat 1 on the back, 17 on the nuts :b ** "SPAY AND NEUTER YOUR PETS" flurry of blows but it misses

molly gets the hdywtdt on the second, and cheshire smiles it to the extreme

jester casts prayer of healing on all but nott who is unharmed

mountain makers go out, owlbears fuckin destroy them

stubborn stock? stalk? displacer beasts, i dont need matt to tell me what these are, one of them goes down and darrow is trapped and mauled for a moment, one of the fighters goes down, and FINALLY they fuck up the other beast

caleb calls frumpkin back "just to have him with me" they fight for fucking ages honestly

hill giant!!! FUCK (liam takes a photo and good job son you got that now)

[poutypanic]

The Monk and The Cyborg

Chapter uuuuuuh, 9? In my poly fic “The Is A Perfect Pair” No warnings. As always I dont think you need to read all the others to enjoy this one <3

Chapter Summary: Hanzo and Jesse go away on some Overwatch business. You're left alone with one of the noodles, and some visitors drop by.This chapter is based on a suggestion left by user BlueEyedWolf33 thank you so much! (> ^_^ )>

AO3: http://archiveofourown.org/works/10464945/chapters/26207088

Hanzo and Jesse had to leave for a couple of weeks to close up some Overwatch business. They tried to explain it to you, but none of it really made any sense. Just sounded like a whole bunch of bureaucratic nonsense. They’re over-explaining because they didn’t want you to end up feeling left out. Like you are going to be missing out. Don't want you thinking that they are leaving on a vacation and not taking you with them. You have assured them over and over that they aren’t hurting your feelings by leaving you behind.

Then Hanzo leaves Kimi behind with you without telling you he was doing so. You almost drop your glass of water when the dragon pokes their head over the top of the fridge. You yelp and spill water all over the floor. Clutch the glass of water to your chest.

"I'm gonna get you a collar with a bell on it."

You try to get them to follow you into the living room, but they refuse. Just cock their head from side to side as you try to reason with them. You're trying to be stern, but they are so damn cute, you can't help but smile and giggle at them. You give up and text Hanzo to ask him why the little turd is still in the apartment with you and not traveling with him.

~

You: Why is Kimi still here?

You: They refuse to come down off the fridge btw

Hanzo: For protection.

Hanzo: They like to be in high places.

You: Seriously? Protection?

You: I REFUSE to believe this dragon is anymore than a fancy ferret

You: You and Jesse must have had several unexplainable shared hallucinations

You: I’ll just chalk it up to the stresses of battle

You: There are no big scary dragons

You: But sure, okay, Kimi will “protect” me Thank you

Hanzo: “You’re welcome.”

Jesse: Ur very sassy today

Jesse: You sure ur not a little mad we left

You: Yes I’m sure

Hanzo: Uh-huh. We’ll make it up to you when we get back.

You: I’m! not! mad!

Jesse: thats alot of exclamation marks for someone who aint mad

You: I’m leaving this convo now

Hanzo: Love you, be safe. Have a good day, person who isn’t mad.

Jesse: love you little lady who definitely isn't upset <3

~

Okay, maybe you're feeling a little unhappy about being left alone. But it’s not a considerable amount of emotional upset. You’ll get over it once you realize just how much you needed some alone time. And time doesn’t end up dragging as much as you thought it was going to. Before you know it, almost a week has gone by. It turns out that Kimi is actually pretty good company and isn’t always a constant ball of energy.

It's another day, and you’re lounging on the couch. Kimi, of course, has to lay in a ridiculous spot. They’re wrapped around your head. Asleep on your hair with their tail resting on your neck. They're not causing you any discomfort, so you let them be. You're rewatching a TV show you’ve seen over and over again. So many times that you’ve lost track of just how many instances you’ve sat through every season.

Neither Jesse or Hanzo love it as much as you do. But what they do love is reciting lines word for word to remind you just how many times you’ve made them sit through this show... Damn. Now you’re missing them again.

Then there’s a soft murmuring that you can tell isn't coming from the show. It’s outside the apartment door. At first, you ignore it. Thinking neighbors must be leaving, or just happen to be pausing to have a conversation right outside your door. But then the murmuring doesn't go away and only gets louder. Your interest in peaked, so you pat the dragon on the butt to get them to move and hop up off the couch. Intent on being nosy.

You approach the door and look through the peep hole. What you see makes you immediately swing the door open.

“Were you guys gonna knock or what?”

Genji jumps back about two feet. The momentum knocking the hood off of his head. Zenyatta watches him falter and shakes his head.

“I warned you that she was bound to notice us.”

Genji extends his hand and says, “Ah, hello! I’m Genji.”

You stare at his hand and then back to his face. “Genji we've met before. Several times... Why are you so nervous? What are you up to?”

“Master, the plans  are not going very well.”

“This is what happens when you doubt yourself, my student. And then make last minute changes to the said plan.”

Alright, now you’re determined to get to the bottom of this. You move out of the way and extend your arm out, “You wanna come in?”

Zen bows slightly and says thank you. Then he enters the apartment ahead of Genji, who feels the need to throw his hood back up to try and avoid your accusatory gaze. When Kimi sees Genji, they galavant towards him and promptly start to climb him. You had expected the dragon to wrap itself around his neck or climb on top of his head. But what Kimi does instead is shimmy into the pocket of the sweater. As they do, they force a green, sleepy dragon to fall out of it and onto the floor. You know this dragon by the name of Yoshi.

Genji says, “It’s nice to see you too, Kimi.”

Even with the hard crash onto the floor Yoshi still remains asleep for a few moments longer. When Yoshi does start to rise, they perk up immediately and starts playing with Kimi.  They tackle each other playfully. With their tails wildly swinging back and forth. Rolling around recklessly, scurrying around the couch, over the couch, and under the couch. They too are happy to see each other.

Genji shoves his hands into his pocket, “So… how are you?”

Zen does the omnic equivalent of a sigh, “Hanzo asked if we might check up on you.”

“Oh, really!”

Genji says, “We weren’t supposed to tell you that.”

“Uh-huh! So not even Hanzo believes Kimi can protect me; I see how it is.”

Zen says, “Well, I’m afraid the dragon can’t keep kitchen fires from happening.”

Your face flushes red from embarrassment. You giggle nervously and your mouth drops open,

“That was one time.”

Genji adds, “Kimi also can’t keep you from cracking your head open in the shower.”

How much has Hanzo told them!? “That was also one time! It was two stitches! Two! Didn’t even leave a scar!”

“What about the time you fell asleep with your headphones in, and Jesse caught you with them wrapped around your neck? Was that also one time?”

You place your hands on your hips, “That he knows of.”

Genji teases, “Who uses earphones with cords anymore?”

“I do! In my opinion, they sound better. And I don’t lose them constantly.”

The original plan Genji and Zen had had was to get you to come and hang out with them. But Genji at the last moment didn't feel that his plans for the day were believable enough. That they would sound forced, and you would know they were there for ulterior reasons. Well, you know now. Suddenly Genji gets an idea. He looks to the dragons who are still rolling around on the floor. Entangled around each other. They break a part and stare each other down, with their butts in the air, and their heads low to the floor. You could watch this silly shit all day.  

Genji claps his hands together, “Get your shoes on! Let's go.”

“W-what? I’m wearing pajamas and my hair's a mess, I’ve—“

“So?” He says, bending over to picks up flip flops that are resting near the door. He hands them to you and opens up the door for you. Pushes you outside into the hall with a hand against your shoulder. “If we hurry, we can catch the subway before it leaves.”

Zen follows, not bothering to offer any condolences or an idea of what Genji is up to. He couldn't anyway, he doesn't have a clue either. Genji calls to Kimi and Yoshi who both follow after the three of you immediately. Zen’s floating off the ground legs crossed as he usually is. But Kimi would like to get into his lap. The poor thing doesn't jump high enough and instead collides head first into the wall on the other side of him. Zen lowers himself so that the second attempt is a successful one. Yoshi goes ahead and takes the gesture as an opportunity for them too, to curl up in Zen’s lap.

You try to tell Genji not to close the door. You don't even have your keys on you or your phone. You can't get any words out in time. Genji's too excited and slams the door closed.

“Real cool, Genji, now I’m locked out!”

“Don’t worry, I have a key.”

Genji heads down the hall. Before you start to follow him you look to Zen, “What is going on?”

He shrugs, “I would suggest going with the flow.”

If a renowned omnic monk is telling you to just go with it, then maybe you should. So you do. You throw your flip flops on and head after Genji. Zen following right behind you. Whatever the cyborg has in mind as got to be better than sulking on the couch, trying to convince yourself that you don’t miss your boyfriends. Independent woman, and all that kind of nonsense.

The people in the subway are staring at Zen. Not because he’s an omnic; that's normal. But because he's got two dragons in his lap. Who are very curious about every person that is around them. Any body who passes by gets sniffed or pawed at.  A few brave and curious people stop to ask what species of cat they are. This never fails to make you laugh.

It takes about twenty minutes to reach the stop Genji wants you to get off at. It’s another mile or two of walking 'til you make it to a remote looking field of grass that stretches for miles and miles. You and Zen continue to follow him. Genji continuously thwarting any of your attempts to try and get him to tell you where the hell you guys are going, and what the hell you guys are doing. You walk and walk 'til the residential streets are barely visible behind you. Eventually, you guys come across an old run down shack. It’s falling apart, boards laying around, and riddled from weather damage.

Genji stops, “This will do.”

“Genji, if I didn't know any better I’d think you were about to murder me and hide my body here. You wanna give me some insight?”  

He points at you, “I heard that you don't believe the dragons can be big and scary?”

You look to Kimi and Yoshi who are contemplating hopping down from Zen’s lap.

“You heard right.”

He grins big, “Well get a load of this shit!”

You watch as Genji shakes out his shoulders and jumps up and down, trying to get himself pumped up. He pats his thigh and the dragons jump out of Zen’s lap. They approach him in a proper manner that seems very out of character for them. They sit in front of him with their chests puffed out and wait. Being patient. This is already weird.

“Actually, I am not a hundred percent sure I can get Kimi to listen to me, but I’ll try.”

“Sounds like you're stalling to me.”

Genji flicks his hood dramatically off of his head, “Marvel at this!”

Zen reaches out and places a hand on your shoulder. Guides you back ’til you're just behind his person. Asks you to stay there with a polite hand with his palm up.

“I’ll feel better about this with you behind me, thank you.”

Suddenly Genji pretends to be wielding a blade and shouts, “Ryūjin no ken o kurae!”

The serene field turns into a bright, terrifying, roaring masses of two giant full bodied dragons hurdling towards the old abandoned shack. They are so loud you have to cover your ears with your palms. They shake the ground so much it feels as if you’re experiencing a minor earth quake. Kimi and Yoshi look exactly as they had been described to you on many occasions. Featured in many stories about Jesse and Hanzo's days in Overwatch. Stories you had on several had thought though of as big fish tales. That never stopped you from wanting to listen to them though. Well, now you can count yourself proven wrong. Cause they are big, powerful, and scary. Not that the shack was much of an opponent, but the thing is now just a pile of splintered wood and dust.

As the dragons come back and shift back into their cuter forms, the ones you prefer to see, Genji turns to you with a smug look on his face. He is so pleased with himself.

He curtsies and says, “What did you think?!”

“That was badass! Really scary and loud, but holy shit!” Then you pout, “I may be a little sad that I can’t tease them about this anymore.”

Genji assures you, “There’s plenty to tease Hanzo about.”

Genji then reaches into his pocket to pull out his ringing phone. He grimaces when he see’s who it is. He then looks to you and approaches you with the phone held out for you to take. You grin and hide behind Zen some more.

“I know who that is, and you're explaining it to him, Mister! Not me.”

Genji answers the phone call and puts the phone to his ear, “What’s up, bro?”

[saintkimora]

ok……..here is the long awaited post of what happened on saturday night! (Last Saturday night btw not yesterday night) ive been too busy to post about it until now but it is juicy

so as i said on saturday, joel and i were texting on and off that day but it was weird as usual. so after i showered i wrote out a text to him saying that even though we havent been communicating much recently i still miss him and think about him all the time and that i appreciate the chances i do get to talk to him. so i sent this message but literally the second it sent i got a message from him. like we sent our texts at the same time. so i started reading his text and it started with “perry……im really sorry but what we have isnt working out” skafjhkajdhfkjads so i felt like a jolt in my legs and had to sit down. so he sent this long ass breakup text and here are the basic points that he used

he isnt ready for a relationship/exclusivity (even though HE was the one who literally deleted all his dating apps the day after we met bc he wanted to focus on pursuing me)

he hasnt been making the effort and i deserve someone who does

he hasnt been opening up and he is aware of that bc he knows he isnt ready

i deserve someone who is in a better place in their life than he is rn/someone who has their stuff together

i dont deserve what hes putting me through

he wants time to be single and make mistakes and regret them (stupid ass reasoning btw)

he knew using texts was the wrong way to end it but he wasnt strong enough to do it in person

he apologized if i feel like i wasted my time on him/if i regret anything ive done w him (since the last time i saw him before this was when i had sex with him)

hes sorry that he isnt treating me better

not my fault at all

so yeah that was the text! i didnt even read it fully until later on like i skimmed it and called him immediately and asked if we could talk in person (ofc i got all choked up trying to ask and almost started crying over the phone) so he said yes he owes me that much so i grabbed my tissue box, tried to put on my shoes (my mom had to help me bc i was shaking too much) and drove to his apartment and then sprinted to his apartment from where i parked a block away. i got there and his roommates werent home so it was just him. he opened the door and i said hi and he let me in and it was v solemn so we went into his room and sat on his bed and this is where the drama really started

so i was like “can i have a hug” and he was like “yes” so we hugged and i started crying. so we hugged for a while and then we separated and i was like “ok so explain why you want to end this” so he started explaining it to me. i was crying and he was crying too but i was crying more obv! i was like bawling. his eyes were red and tears were falling and he was sniffling but he wasnt like crying hard

so he just explained that he was in a bad place when he met me and he still is in that bad place (in reference to his depression) and how its not me its him and how i deserve someone who puts in the effort and doesnt distance themselves from me and actually has the time to see me and i was annoyed bc caleb did the same thing and i am sick of other guys telling me whats best for me like *vicki from rhoc voice* how do you know whats best for me? and like obv just bc you have depression doesnt mean you dont deserve love, like he said he still liked me and wanted to be with me and how it was breaking his heart to have to do this so i did not want him to end something just bc he felt he didnt deserve me or that he wasnt worthy of my love or anything like that 

so he also explained how he wasnt ready to settle down and i was like sis we arent even officially boyfriends yet, its not like im asking you to marry me and have kids lmfao and he said he wasnt ready for exclusivity so i was like “does that mean you wanna fuck other guys?” and he was like “i dont know” so ????? and he was like “im feeling conflicted” so i was like wtf is going on in here on this day

also i asked if his roommates were home and he said no he was home alone tonight and that was part of why he was feeling so bad and its like sis…..if being alone makes you feel worse then making yourself even more alone by breaking up w me doesnt seem like the best way to fix that! and i told him that i was free tonight and he couldve just invited me over if he was feeling lonely and he was like “i thought you would be busy” like sis literally the only times i am ever busy on saturday nights is when im with him!! lmao

he also said he wasnt opening up bc he couldnt/wasnt ready for it yet, but like i wasnt asking him to open up like all i wanted was for him to put a modicum of effort into our conversations just to show that he cared, like we can just keep doing fun things like im not asking him to get all deep and vulnerable with me (although i would love that too)

so we just had a very emotional time, i was crying my eyes out nonstop and he was lightly crying as well, there was lots of hugging and holding and stuff so like i was really really REALLY losing it like i was so MESSSSSSSSSSYYYY like i was just getting all in my feelings and saying all the things im gonna miss about him and like apologizing for anything i did wrong/apologizing for not being enough for him and like it was really really bad. but i was still also cracking jokes like a dumbass throughout the whole thing lmao bc i like to find the humor in things

i decided to mention that i was originally planning to ask him to be my bf officially on our next date (that plan had changed since he became cold and distant the past week or two but originally i was planning on doing it on the next date after i got back from the retreat) just bc i was being emotional

at one point he was laying on the bed and i was sitting on the edge of it crying (and covering my face bc im an ugly crier even though he’d already seen plenty of footage of me crying at this point) and he held out his arms and was like “come here” and i was like “no” and looked away and he was like “please” like that was very satisfying bc it showed that he needed comforting as well at that moment

at one point i was just laying on my side rolled up in a ball scream crying into my hands now THAT was messy. it was nice though bc joel moved in behind me and tried to hold me and calm me down. speaking of calming down! there were some points where i got like………REALLY bad like i was breathing so hard and fast it was troubling but whenever i had a wave of that joel held me and tried to soothe me and help me breathe

i even offered to have an open relationship if he wanted (bc this was during the exclusivity convo) bc i was just trying to grasp at any straws i could at the moment in the hopes of reaching an agreement or just stalling for time so i could move past his walls and get through to him. in reality i would never even consider it bc it is definitely not for me but at the moment i was desperate. he said no though bc he knows i wouldnt want that and he said he didnt want me to compromise myself for him

so then this is when we reached the turning point. so joel was laying down and i was like half sitting on the bed/half laying on him. and i said something along the lines of “you dont have to go through this alone, i wanna be there for you” and like when i said alone he lost IT! like we had a breakthrough he started bawling just like i was this whole time!! obviously it was hard for me to see him in that state but it was also kinda nice to see how much he cared 

but then he started breathing really fast and he was like “i think im having a panic attack” so i was like uh oh so i was like omg do you want me to get off of you or something but he was like no stay here so i kept holding him and tried to help him ride it out. but then he choked out the words “i think im making the wrong decision” like !!!! i have never felt such a strong feeling of hope in my life! but i was just like its fine dont worry about it just breathe and btw during this event he was laying on his side so he was looking to the side while i was kinda on top of him so i was like at him. so then he turned to look me directly in the face and………………………

he said “I love you!” like !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! hearing that made me SO so happy so i was like “i love you too!” and we hugged and kissed and then he was like “ask me!!” and i was like “ask you what???” and he was like “ask me what you were gonna ask me before!” and i was like “OH! joel……will you be my boyfriend?” and he was like “YES!” and then we hugged again and laughed and made out and it was really really passionate even though we were both gross with tears and runny noses, like it might have even been the most passionate kissing ive ever had! it was a very emotionally intimate moment and i loved it

so then he was like “im sorry” and i was like dont worry about it lmao so then we just continued cuddling and kissing and stuff for a while. he told me that he knew i loved him back bc during my breakdown i said “i really really really really liked you” and he said he knew i wanted to say i loved you lol

he also said hes gonna try to open up more and put more of an effort in so!! that was nice

so it was hot in his room and we were all sweaty on top of being gross from crying so we showered together which is always fun. and during the shower he was very touchy and he would like press his body against mine and give little kisses on like my chest or my back which i really loved. we also did some sexual stuff too

then we got out and dried off and he finally said he would watch flavor of love with me!! so we watched a few eps and it was super fun. then we cuddled until we fell asleep holding each other which is always one of my fave parts of our dates. he was very affectionate and sweet and i really liked it. then we fell asleep and in the morning i had to go home bc i had work or something

so yeah thats it! it made me really happy that he said i love you (and that he said it to me first!!) and i made sure he knew that he could always ask me for anything he needed if he was feeling down again or something. so now fast forward to today he is back to texting me every day and being an active and engaging texter! and i went over to do homework with him on monday night which was fun! and then on friday night he invited me over at like midnight and we got checkers and then we hung out and cuddled and watched more flavor of love. and then we did some more sexual things which was really fun! he was really really into me again and he literally is the hottest guy ive ever met so i enjoyed getting to make him feel good and stuff

on friday the 13th i am taking the gsa eboard + jami w me to go see the addams family musical at his school since he is part of the pit orchestra so that will be fun! i am very happy to have joel back and i am even happier that we are officially boyfriends now! and its so so so nice to get i love you texts again!! overall i am very happy with how things turned out and i am glad i fought to make it work instead of just seeing the text and being like ok bye

[leviaraelle-moved]

okay they might not be a """"rOMANTIC SHIP"""" but lapis and levi pls & thx

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU. / @vernxte !!

where was their first date ?: probably a nice little restaurant so that he can impress her instead of going on a date to a bar lmao

what my muse would do to cheer your’s up: levi would definitely spoil him in alcohol and gifts just after a long day where he feels stressed. also kisses!!!

who wakes the other up with kisses ( and where ) ?: i feel like it depends on the day??? honestly, i bet some days after a rough night of fucking he’d just kiss all over her face and neck and just call her ‘princess’ ??? im weak

who would pour water on the other to wake them up ?: lEVI DUMPS WATER ON HIS FACE WHEN HE’S LATE FOR WORKhow my muse would wake your’s up: through the smell of food man, she’d just bring food to the bed because he treats her so nicely ??? esp after sex i imagine ???who would start a food fight while baking or cooking ?: guess who has to clean up all the flour from her kitchen??? she doeswho would suggest putting marijuana in the brownies ?: lapis. lAPIS SUGGESTS MAKING WEED BROWNIES AND SHE ENDS UP AGREEINGwho said i love you first and how ( or when ) did they say it ?: it was a dumb night of theirs and she’s just got her head laid in his lap - while they watch conspiracy theories at 4am, she just starts saying he looks super pretty in that lighting that’s her form of saying i love youwho would get into a physical altercation over the other ?: oh god lapis, i dont think lapis would want to see levi get abused or hurt so he’d kick the dude’s/girl’s/their ass for hurting his best friendwho insists on purchasing a pet together ( and what kind of pet ) ?: THERE WAS ONE NIGHT HE HAD A LITTLE TOO MUCH TEQUILA AND LOOKED UP PICTURES OF CATSwho is louder ( in and out of bed ) ?: both of them are loud BOTH IN AND OUT OF BED they are social monsters my guy they love socialisingwho takes more risks ( in and out of bed ) ?: dude you know that picture text where she says she loves the guy bc after she falls off the bed the guy says ‘five second rule’ and keeps fucking her ? yeah thats lapis lmao he takes a lot of things to the limit - that’s something he has in common with levi

who would bring up the word ‘daddy’ first ?: he teases her abt the word and he’s like “what if you called me it ???” what is their shared, favourite kink ?: HMMM we havent talked much about the kinks they both like but i imagine... maybe assertiveness? praising? idk YOU GOTTA COME INTO  MY IMS TALK TO ME ABOUT THISdescribe their typical kiss: fiery , up against the wall , the type to make a guy jealous if levi or lapis so needed it.how my muse shows their love for your’s: the stupid mundane things like bringing him alcohol or even just snuggling himtheir favourite ways to give affection: GIFTS GALORE, CHOCOLATE, ALL THAT GOOD STUFFwho is more dominate ?: youre seriously asking if lapis or levi is more dominant???? rlly.... i feel like they’re both dominant they just like to switch it up in bedwho sings in the shower ?: levi, in the languages she knows but hey im not opposed to lapis singing trashy love songs in the showerwho washes the other’s hair in the shower ?: levi voice “why is that a thing”who initiates shower sex despite being in a rush ?: sometimes , but not always, levi initiates it to get him relaxed before heading out to work . it usually works tbhwho teases the other under the table at dinner with the family ?: is that even a question ARE YOU SERIOUSLY ASKINGwho has the weirder taste in music ?: theyre so similar so by this point i bet you they jam along to sex tunes in the morning and their friends come in and like “are you getting sexy” “no we’re just feeling the music???”who would initiate dancing in the rain ?: its a dumb thing but levi rlly ... likes it . so i imagine lapis just ?? does it for levi just to see his best friend smilewho would be the one to suggest marriage ?: oh boi.... if it happened , itd be during a conversation where there’s like wine involved just to stop a jitter during the convo... maybe? lapis? maybe he was curious about the thought.what would they name their children ?: CRACKS KNUCKLES ITLL BE A BOY AND A GIRL LETS GO ONE ITALIAN NAME ONE KOREAN 

girl: possibly ye-ji ?? i dont see many characters with that name, and individually , ‘ye’ means waterside / water’s edge and ‘ji’ means ‘earth’ , ‘ground’ so its complimentary!!boy: fiore ??? possibly??? like just imagine their son being badass and owning his name like ‘sure yeah it means flower buT IM A FUCKING THORNY NETTLE BITCH’who would their children take after more ?: its probably split 50/50, but they definitely teach ye-ji and fiore to respect people and to stand up against sexist assholes and those who tend to disrespect others. fiore has a lot of both of their fieriness , and ye-ji has the caring !!

but god imagine if they had to teach one or the other kid magic before they even reach middleschool

[rapturedtoxicity]

Me: yo Me: wassup Friend: nm just bout to watch the mayweather fight Me: right Me: mcgregor or mayweather Me: ? Me: disclaimer i dont know shit abt any of that Friend: boxing match Friend: jst watching it since it will be a thing that lots of people talk about Me: fair enough Me: i am Me: extremely drunk rn Me: have been for the last 6 days Friend: lol Friend: welcome to how many people spend their early 20s Me: cheers Me: it helps deal with the pain tbh Me: dude Me: weird question maybe but Me: have you ever self harmed Friend: no but its not something that works with me Me: fair enough Me: i've been trying it Me: it kinda helps Me: for me Friend: ive done it but not directly Friend: just training slamming my fist and knees into a wall Friend: until i just ran out of energy Me: i getcha Friend: but it didnt do anything Friend: but those times i just wanted to feel anything that wasnt what i felt ever yday Friend: even if it was physical pain Friend: it was nice to feel something else Me: yeh Me: kinda where i am atm Me: been making cuts into my arm Me: to distract from the heartache Me: it helps a lot Me: surprisingly much actually Me: dont mean to be depressing, rofl Me: dont intend to make it a permanent habit or anything but Me: fuck Me: it helps Me: god damn Friend: i get you Friend: but people do it for different reasons Friend: i just want to punish myself Friend: i found other ways to do that Me: kind of on that page atm Me: punishing/relief Me: feel like i deserve it in a way Friend: for me those were 2 different things, it was nice to feel something else but essentially it got me nowhere closer to a positive end goal Friend: or so i've rationalised what im doing now to be conducive Me: yeh Friend: im sure im wrong but Me: idk if im aiming for a positive end goal atm? just kinda Friend: im far too proud, i have to do it solo Me: doing it to relieve stress in the moment Me: you get me Me: ? Me: yeh i get you Friend: a little but Friend: when i did that stuff Friend: i couldnt do anything Me: i know it's fucking stupid and all that Friend: my brain just didnt think straight Me: and i know i aint thinkin straight Me: yeh Me: but Me: it does help. Me: for me, at least Me: redirects the fucking Me: immense emotional pain into Me: slight physical pain Me: distracts me in the moment Me: only real downside atm for me is how hard it is to hide it Friend: nah thats effort Friend: showing it is fine Friend: just make sure you have a solid convo ender to observers who question it Me: i agree personally but Me: my coworkers keep telling me to cover up and shit Me: like im not looking for attention Friend: cover up? Me: im just doing my own thing when i roll up my sleeves at work and shit Friend: do your cuts etc show? Me: yeh Friend: yeh thats stupid Friend: obviously Friend: use your leg or something Friend: fuck knows why im helpng you do this Me: hahhhahahhaha Me: i actually cracked up Me: lmfao Friend: but until you realise better Friend: me saying Friend: dont do it Friend: wont achieve shit Me: agreed Friend: but you need to know you're retarded for doing it Me: heard that a bit much lately Me: just makes me feel spite Me: yeh i know it's retarded Friend: you're smart enough to suffer until you have a better answer Me: aye Me: i get it Friend: you might hate me a little for saying it Me: just dont have a better answer atm Friend: but personally i think you shouldn't be shit sad Friend: this* Me: elaborate Friend: i know its all relative obviously Friend: but tons of people would kill to have the kind of breakup you had Friend: yeh things will be a little tough but you still have someone close (at least thats what we know for now) Friend: you need to thing of all the good things Friend: and think like Friend: ok magic lamb Friend: genie magic Friend: go Friend: change your situation Me: i am Me: i've started working on myself and shit Friend: lamp* Me: am meeting ppl pretty much every day and shit Me: going out more, doing new things Me: but when i get home the rest of it takes over Friend: but would you be doing that if you knew you had no chance with her? Me: id probably Me: take a few days to just fucking sulk to be honest Friend: i mean i understand how decisions are influenced to match your S/o Me: and then try and work on it Friend: but a "change" like that needs to be genuine or its all superficial Friend: and fragile Me: no yeah like Me: ive been thinking like Me: last couple days like Me: as much as i hate that this is happening Me: maybe it's a good thing in the big picture Me: because i'd become so fucking like Me: isolated Me: i was only really meeting her Me: and chilling with her Me: never really met or did anything with friends Me: so in a way it was a wake up call Me: made me realize that i had to water the crops so i could keep on reaping them Me: still have my eyes on the prized flower ofc Me: but it kinda made me realize that she isnt the only thing thats important to me Me: shes obviously really fucking important to me but it really kind of woke me up Me: like a splash of water to the face Me: like Me: "shit i fucking. i gotta get off my ass and meet friends and shit" Friend: yeh its true Me: made me understand how important all that shit is to me kind of Friend: as you get older, you need to always make an active effort Friend: to stay on top of friends Me: yeh Me: cause i was very reliant on her in a way Me: and as much as i want that to be a thing still Me: it made me understand that i can also rely on other people Me: i can also look to other people Me: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things thatMe: meet other people etc etc Me: i've come to understand that a lot of the things that Me: i originally didnt like to do with her Me: or like Me: "didnt like" Me: it made me realize i was just being a shitter in my own world Me: i actually enjoy a  lot of those things Friend: thats also a tricky thing tho Friend: like feeling that a bad aspect about you needs fixing Me: just didnt understand it cause i was so stuck in my loop Me: yeh sure maybe im just saying/doing that to make myself feel better unconsciously but at least its something right Me: a different perspective Me: like Me: i find myself Me: actually wanting to go on walks Me: i find myself actually wanting to do all this shit i thought i hated doing Me: i feel more awake in a sense Me: so while i still really want her back i think ive kind of found the light at the end of the tunnel in a way Me: a different light than i was originally searching for, maybe Me: but a light nonetheless Friend: i get you Friend: a little advice is try not to mention any "changes" you have Friend: personally its just better if a person realises your changes from seeing it first hand Friend: dont be that guy who promotes himself Me: yeh cause it'll maybe make her think im trying to change for her or something Friend: yeh Me: instead of actually changing Friend: dont advertise it ever Friend: just know what you're showing and how you're acting is a result of work and mentality Friend: if it shows it shows Friend: if it doesnt then who cares Friend: you do you for you Friend: it would just be good obv if the flower gets it without any assist Me: yeah Me: for sure Me: i think Me: if we end up hanging out again and shit Me: i'm pretty sure i'm still just gonna Me: want to ask her to go out for a walk and do shit and all that Me: because i feel that desire now Me: even if i'm making cuts on my arms and drinking like a maniac Me: like i still feel like im making progress Me: even if my current ways of coping with the pain are fucking retarded Me: and im very aware of that Me: i kinda feel like i can maybe learn from being a fucking moron for a little bit though Me: understand a bit better how that is, how the perspective switches you know Friend: yeh Me: notes to be had Me: dont advertise change Me: it gives the wrong impression Me: might make her think its superficial Me: uhhhHHh Me: stop being retarded at some point obviously Friend: tbh a big thing of being in your head too much Friend: is if you're not actually busy Friend: so try and do mre Friend: in the day Friend: tire yourself out Friend: budget your time bette Friend: r Friend: dont yolo days Me: i feel like being a moron and behaving irresponsibly for a bit is ok because this is the most painful shit ive gone through ever pretty much Friend: cus then you just think about shit you dont need to Friend: cus you've nothing better to do Me: yeh Me: plan shit Me: do things Me: make plans in advance etc etc Friend: that might help Me: i feel like Me: idk if im wrong abt this Me: but Me: i think it's okay to be a moron for a bit Friend: personally Friend: i mean it makes sense Me: obviously you're the fuckin logic sensei and all that Friend: but think of dota shitters who are like Friend: im 2k so i dont need to get dust Friend: cus at that point its ignorance after the fact Me: and, again: i'm actively referring to myself as a fuckin moron so i understand that this shit is just retarded Friend: like choosing the ignorance Friend: thats cool Me: but atm it feels like it's aight Friend: but like how i avoid saying sorry Friend: if you keep calling yourself a moron Friend: that word wont mean shit Me: it'll lose meaning yeh Friend: cus your brain will just go Me: i'll just say sth else lol Friend: ive called myself that for weeks Friend: /months Me: yeh Me: i get you Me: stops meaning anything Me: idk. maybe im just not ready to like Me: take the leap Friend: yeh see thats legit to accept Friend: things like that take some time Friend: some wisdom Me: yeah Friend: so you make the call when you think you're ready Friend: some people never are ready Friend: and need the push Friend: but give yourself a chance Friend: to figure it out yourself Me: i think i will know soon enough Friend: before you get pushed Me: yeah Me: i definitely needed the push Me: the breakup was a big push tbh Me: really shoved me in the deep of it Me: like i said Me: made me understand what i value and all that Friend: yeh thats something that sucks Friend: but its kinda nice to Friend: too* Me: yeh Me: bittersweet Friend: you def feel growth once you realise what you had Friend: after you loseit Friend: yeh Friend: you'll see things a little differently now Me: yeah Me: if things take off again with her Me: i'll understand better what i want and what she wants Me: the growth is a nice feeling despite all the shittiness Me: it's some what relieving i guess Me: to understand myself a little better Me: man my coworkers were constantly telling me to cover up the cuts today Me: felt kinda bad tbh Friend: it should Me: cause im not ashamed of them really Friend: you showing other people makes it their problem Friend: because you would rightfully say Friend: hey if you're a good person Friend: and you see someone in troble Friend: you'd help Friend: so you openly showing something wrong Friend: doesnt make it just a hraug problem Me: i guess that's true Friend: so its fine not to be ashamed Friend: but do it for the others around you Me: yeah Me: that's fair Me: i feel like its kind of important that Me: like Me: im not trying to show anything Me: does that make sense like Me: im not pulling up my sleeves as a cry for help im just trying to not get them dirty while i work Me: but i obviously understnad that people seeing that shit is gonna have some effect on them one way or another Me: im just kinda like Me: obviously its not as simple as saying "it's none of your business" but that's kind of how i feel anyways Me: cuz its not something that im trying to show Me: its not something i think people should worry about Me: because i dont worry about it Me: but maybe im just being ignorant Me: or sth Me: idk Friend: yeh you are Friend: just get some bandages and perma keep em on Friend: but again its just normal sadness that you're feeling its no different to a normal breakup, you should try for a week to not to cut or stuff Friend: cus its not a smart way to deal with sadness in general Friend: especially when its nowhere near as bad as just out right being rejected due to failure or anything else Me: thats true i guess Me: idk though. i feel like that argument just goes back to like Me: children in africa and all that shit Friend: yeh dw about that just think he this is how i feel in this situation Friend: so just try and understand why you're feeling the way you're feeling Friend: that'll help you tackle how you feel Friend: and in the future it will make sense Friend: you;ll see the same signs Friend: etc etc Me: yeah Me: i suppose Me: that is true. Me: dude im so drunk lmfao i was actually considering asking you if you wanted to see my cuts Me: lmfoashdjgk Me: complete retard over here Me: god damn Me: ugh Me: i think i need to sleep maybe Friend: lol well i understand why you'd say it Friend: it wont phase me Friend: but i wont condone it Me: nah Me: i get that Friend: yeh that's smart Me: im the same w that w other people Me: condoning is not good Me: but theres a difference between condoning and like Me: accepting Me: i guess? Friend: yeh Friend: but cutting is a last resort in my head Friend: so im surprised you jumped str8 there Friend: but again we're all diferent Friend: ff* Me: i Me: tried it at first Me: because i was kinda curious Me: wondered it if it'd do anything for me Me: cause i know some people that have done it and said it helped them cope Friend: yeh it def helps nodoubt Me: and i was curious cause i havent really found anything to cope Friend: but again Friend: in my head its a last resort Me: havent had any desire to play any games in the last week Me: which is my usual coping method Me: yeh Friend: i see Me: but we're all different Me: like you said Me: i gotta stop drinking Me: rofl Friend: hah Friend: ive heard that a trillion times Friend: its shameful Me: feels bad Me: feels kinda good Me: but it feels bad Friend: lol Friend: welcome to the drunk life Me: hahahha Me: yeh Me: im learning to drink through this actually Me: learning how to pace myself Friend: absinth was a tricky one for me Friend: hate the taste Me: never had it afaik Me: did my first tequila shot tonight Friend: you'll know when you taste it Friend: you cant taste anythign Me: shit was nasty Friend: but that Friend: you could lick a hobos ass Friend: and not taste anything Friend: but absinth Me: shit Me: is it as agressive as gin? Me: gin is fucking nasty Me: like eating the bark of an orange Friend: its like Friend: gin Friend: super saiyan steroids Friend: +10 Me: ugh Me: nvm then Friend: you gta try it Friend: if you do it Friend: have like a single shot Friend: as a first drink Me: how strong is it? Friend: so you can taste it and shit Me: yeh Friend: its the strongest there is i think Friend: like 60% Friend: something stupid Me: ohhh bitch Me: that is nasty Me: aight well Me: im gonna fucking Me: sleep Me: cheers for the chat dude Me: always a pleasure Friend: likewise Friend: nn dude

[dashinberlin]

First week

MONDAY 26 NOV Jan comes over again and we finalize details of what we want to do with the room. We get bikes and head to the hardware store about 20 minutes away which is next to Berghain. Jan tells me once he came here on a Friday night and the queue was by Hardware store. I couldn’t even see the kilometersish long road that it originated from nearby, let alone Berghain at the far end of it. fuck me. 

We have a really nice time walking around the hardware store. I spend 116 EUR on varnish and loads of bits of metal which are going to hold the whole thing in place when it finally goes up. There are lots of hot German guys in the shop. I giggle with Jan about the staff “man: hello there, i’m looking for some chain, LED strip lighting, and steel scaffold for a frame can you help m- ____ Staff: ffs yes, we do. the gay men building slings and dungeons area is over by aisle 12, all you need is there i promise, now go away.”

He buys me a coffee and we part ways about a third of the way home on bikes.  after getting home I pop into Blackstyle *finally*  which is about 4 minutes walk from my house. My man Bjorn is there and there is no one in the store. I think my story must be a little bit of a thing at that place because he fully knew I was coming!! He told me he had seen my 13 minute long video on facebook explaining my whole story of what I had been up to over the last year!  I was amazed cosnidering the guy isnt even on facebook and i dont have his number either. He even knew that I was living on Wicherstrasse which is actually closer than any other member of blackstyle staff!! We were pissing ourselves giggling at how exciting that is- i guess martin had told him (my primary contact there). He advised me on working there- now Blackstyle do not actually hire non german speaking members of staff, but he said basically can you make a portfolio of everything  you have made and some drawings of ideas you have had, and send that and your photography stuff to thomas and he’ll help you out with some kind of an interview. Exactly what position you’ll get i’m not sure, but we might be able to find something for you to fit in to.

Other Convos: He knows my friend Liam, and I told him about how under store conditions and regulation there was that sexy time where he couldnt get into jeans and they were super tight and i tried to hep and I just ended up sucking his dick! haha 

Pretty much I spent the rest of the evening hanging out with Alis. I really like her. I can tell we’re starting to form a close friendship.   spoke to Karyn a little over WhatsApp and showed her pictures of the weekend, she super loved them and we’re all so excited to have her back from her nuts south America traveling trip. I fear writing diary entries about her cos this is all far too qualitative as it is before adding me feeling and thoughts over Karyn and the conversations and adventures we are bound to have. 

TUESDAY 27 NOVEMBER 

(TODAY) CAN I Have a medal for writing all of that, please??!?! 

So this morning I get up and tidy up my room. And at about midday SIMULTANEOUSLY  Jan  w/ Timmon arrives with all the Timber AND  my removals van full of my shit from the UK arrives. The entrance of my building is FULL of wood and boxes ALL for MY room. and omg those stairs are a cunt on the best of days.  First, it was just me and Jan, while Timon parked the car, and then it was all three of us working on getting my shit up like 8 flights of big stairs. there are two flights that separate each floor and some of the wood and boxes were seriously fucking heavy. Over the course of the day, I think I climbed the stairs about 11 or 12 times (there were shopping trips included in there too)  and my legs are still killing from it, I'm so glad I have cycled so much over the last year or i may have died.  

There were three parts of the day, part 1 was getting all the shit in and starting construction. 

PART 2 was the BURGERAMPT!!  We cycled about ten minutes down the road to the Town Hall of Prenzlauer berg. We went into this old building covered in scaffolding to the burgerampt where we sat for about 15 minutes before being seen. I swear all the old buildings in Germany are massive, the cielings are all about 18 feet high. The meeting was with really sweet blonde woman, who as per my expectation, did not speak very good English, so I was immediately glad that I brought Jan with me to translate.  Everything went smoothly, the contact Karyn emailed me was all they needed and my passports. Jan translated everything, at one point the woman asked if I had a religion and I was like no.... aber Berghain ist mein Kirche! and she giggled. She also did a really nice bit at the end which I didn’t understand a word of, but basically, she gave me ein Herzlich Willkommen zu Deutschland. 

Part 3- basically we went back and continued to construct the fuck out of room. it’s looking immense now, I am so excited. It’s costing about double what I had planned to invest though and it’s not even near finished yet. there’s still the big desk and the photo studio part to do. The shelves and the first part of the frame for the folding bed are in though. Alis calmed me telling me I have enough to survive for like 5 months until I found a stable job. I was grateful to her for calming me down there. 

Just before Jan left around 5 or 6 we had a little bit of well-deserved play time. ;)  We had a kiss and a cuddle and then our shirts were off and he was on top of me with my arms stuck behind my back with his cock in my mouth. GRRRRRR. It finished with it being the other way around, I was on top of his chest, jerking off while he sucked my balls, and before I knew it I felt the warm spray of his jizz all up the welcome patch just above my ass crack. He must have been horny cos that was pretty far too shoot- I’m hovering just above his face remember!  So yeah that’s it for now. Other notes i need to add is that i’m trying to use all the German I have whenever I can and it’s proving useful here and there. I gave a sentence or two at the burgerampt to the woman and she full on spouted german at me as if I was fluent! :D ....aber vielleicht dass spichtst mehr uber sie dann uber mich.  I’m so glad i did lessons and studied all year. I don't have a lot but I have something, and it is FAR better than nothing. 

WEDNESDAY 28 NOVEMBER

Jan came around today and basically, we proceeded to almost complete building the whole of the bedframe and shelves in my room. I haven't been sleeping properly since moving so was a bit of a zombie. 

despite feeling dead, in the evening Jan persuaded me to head to Schoneberg for my first time since moving to Berlin. I was invited round to dinner with his bf beary Timmon, this sweet Canadian cub guy called Arjhan and this huge daddy called Malcolm and his partner ...who i cant remember the name of :p timmon made a three-course meal of thai flavorings.  Notable conversations included a gay bar called Schwartz, what Berlin was like after the wall came down (apparently there were food shortages for ages), and Brexit shit.  We went out to Prinzknecht after dinner where it’s happy hour on Wednesday. I had a bit of a moment outside the bar before going in, after all, Prinzknecht is pretty much where this all began 4 years ago. When I came in 2014 for Folsom and the place was PACKED OUT far into the street even, with LeatherMen from all over I was gobsmacked. I thought I was in wonderland. It’s amazing this city is finally my home.

 While I was there I made friends with a ginger Irish bloke called Keith who I talked to about various animes for ages. My tummy was feeling rough and I couldn't drink very much, it was icky, I was burping and farting loads. ufff. Anyway, we finished off the night at Woof! for one more drink before heading home. I’d been giving Daddy Malcome eyes all night and finally, he put his hands down my pants to my ass and revealed he wanted to fuck me. Ufff sadly that wasn’t the night for it though.  I went home on the U2 subway. I’m glad I have a direct line straight from my house to Schoneberg!

THURSDAY 29 NOVEMBER

In the morning me and Jan headed out to the local flohmarkt to find a beam for my bed (cos i accidentally put my foot through one the day before, eek!) and also a ladder to access the highest shelves of the thing. The flohmarkt was gigantic, I can't remember seeing anything like it in the UK and apparently, this wasn’t even a big one. They sold everything you could need for a house, from doors and beams and pots to fine furniture, and more glassware than I’ve ever seen in my life. There were rows and rows and high shelves of it outside all gathering dust. Jan and I both agreed it was a dangerous place cos you could very easily spend a lot of money on some nice things in there. We found a ladder and a beam and went home and finished the work.  With the shelves, complete Jan went home and I had a nap.

THE HOUSE OF RED DOORS [CONSULT SEPARATE POST]

FRIDAY 30TH NOVEMBER 2018 

Flo Left at about 1 and I got up about 3.30pm. I can't remember what happened this day so im guessing not much. I definitely needed to recover. My night before was so insane I think i was just telling everyone about that all day. II told Karyna nd Chaim about it and they were pleased.  I stayed up late sanding my room and went to bed about 1AM

SATURDAY 1ST DECEMBER 2018

Cleaned the flat with Alis in the morning for the first time. Got to Jan’s about midday to collect a coffee table from him and forgot all about looking for fabric at the Turkish market to cover all my storage with. Me Arjhan and Jan borrowed bikes and checked out the Market. It was great, all pretty self-explanatory, I got black, white and green curtain fabric for like 30EUR. Also bought a new frying pan, some olives and some lemons. When cycling home we rode past the dungeon that me and Michael had spent time in on the most amazng weekend of my life here in 2017, and then straight past Vikotria Luis Platz, which is also another sacred location for me. I had tears in my eyes for sure. my backpack opened the fuck up whle cycling in that moment and i had to move on from that moment. When we got back I enjoyed some tea at Jan’s. He’s leaving on Monday to head back to Amsterdam for the next few weeks. he’ll be back again in late December. I’ll have to varnish the room while he’s away.

Had a stressful time getting the table back on the Ubahn. 

Went out with Alis and Aldina this evening. We drove to a shisha bar out east and had a drink and a puff there before heading to Suss War Gestern nearby afterwards. Sweet was yesterday is a three floor club bar, filled with cigarette smoke.  It had a techno dancefloor with cool led ceiling light display, a chill top floor and a cheese fun floor in the basement which is where we all spent the whole night dancing on a bench on the side of the wall. I actually didn't have an amazing time for most of the night. There was this nineties raver DJ set that made me lose the will to live.  I went to get a drink and eat something and when I came back they had switched to eighties electro pop classic and I was like thank god, cos im about to detonate. it really cheered me up cos so many of those songs were on my Berlin soundtrack and were songs that helped me shape the vision of what I thought moving here would be like. Not 99 luft balloons though. That will emerge at the right point I know it.  Aldina and Alis continued on to Kater Blau at about 5am but I was dead and went home. Fucking Ost Kreuz has platforms coming out of platforms and I nearly fudged getting home. 

SUNDAY 2 NOVEMBER

The main event of today was the Leather Social in Schonberg. I’ve been to this once before when I was here in may visiting for Michael.  It’s a 6 floor flat and this time it was filled with about 20-30 sexy leathermen. Mickael had invited me and I had a really nice time. Mario who I had met at Qaulgeist in April was there and I had a sexy kiss with him and we agreed I need to see the inside of his playroom sometime soon. Oink! The man looks like a dirty sexy older piggy, you know he can do some remarkable things with his hands. the other cutie I got the recon of was a hot beary german skinhead called Stefan, and he’s into bondage and similar activities to me. I met a fashion photographer there called Alex [from birgmingham] and he was telling me about working for Zolando. He gave me his instagram and basically said to message him with any questions. There was this drunk idiot called Simon who wanted to be all dom toppy to me but ended up knocking over my fucking beer (i put the next one on his tab (asshole)) and also he half kicked over a coffee table while throwing me around. Uff I'm getting bored of drunk “dom tops” they just make a fucking mess.  Connected with my lovely mate David who was one of the leather friends I was really looking forward to reconnecting with when i got to Berlin. I also Spoke to the host of the party about photography and before i knew it I had a decent iPhone and was coralling people into groups to take photos for the social media. 

We all took a short walk to new action later and drunk some more. Prakash, the host said it was funny that i appeared to do photos because in the group meeting they had they were just deciding they needed a photographer to help advance the social. We spoke of magic, and i told the story of how my ex-overdosed at my leaving party and the real magic was that no one else was there to be traumatised or take his bullet. Towards the end of the night, I grabbed the bartender’s attention and said something like “I have just moved to Berlin, and I guess I have always wondered what it would be like to work in one of the leather bars here. soo are you looking for staff?” and he said basically yes, they are always looking for new people and you don't have to speak amazing german. 

[marigoldblues]

The Dresser.

This is the piece of furniture that started it all

too broken to ship

goodwill “won’t take it”

and (long pause) “I’m sorry, but we just have no space to keep it“

So, in a rushed, frustrated, and desperate decision-making convo, it was decided that we would take it to the dump.

 My mother’s beloved dresser...a piece of furniture over 50 years old inspired this whole writing project. And therefore, there is no better object to be my opener...

...(heartfelt looooooong sigh)  

We believe this was a gift—possibly a wedding gift from my grandfather. My mother shipped it to Hawaii from Japan. It was one of the only pieces of furniture my mom kept from each move.

As you can see, the mirror is no longer aligned to the backing wood, and the handles are broken.  

But there was a time when everything was intact, and inside each drawer were articles of my mother’s life.

One drawer had her beautiful designer scarves, the next had bras and undergarments.  The compartment with the door had a pull-out drawer which held perfumes and jewelry boxes, and the table-top part of the dresser had accessories, contact lense paraphernalia, and other Knick-knacks.

I remember how my mother would always keep almost-empty bottles of perfume with her under garments to infuse everything with wonderful scent. She was glamorous inside and out.  

And yet, very homey and arts-and-craftsy , which is why each drawer is lined with a different kind of country-like printed wallpaper/wrapping paper.

When I opened this drawer and saw the liner, my heart warmed thinking of her cutting it to fit. I’m sure the wall paper was on sale, and maybe was the only print left. 

 Growing up, my mom and dad slept in separate rooms. My dad’s room had his word processor with a noisy printer, and my mom’s room had her painting things.

It was as if they lived in their own small art studios. Each would stay up however long they wanted to be able to create at any hour—without having to disturb the other’s sleep. 

We didn’t grow up rich with a large spacious house. We lived in a 3 bedroom apartment, which in my memory seemed huge, but in the same way an elementary school cafeteria seems like the largest space on the planet to a child, I’m sure the apartment was relatively small .

My parents were artists—and more than occasionally, starving artists— to the truest of forms, and although my mom held a good job, notably the first female to hold her position for a Japanese (male dominated) company, her “true” passion and profession was as an artist. 

My mom’s room was small and tight, and at one point, this dresser was right next to her easle. It’s true, that her splatters of paint, “devalue” the dresser, but these splatters of paint represent the highest point of creativity in my mom’s art career.

 In reading old letters from my dad to his family, my mom—like me—took a break from painting to raise my sister and I.

I must have been around 2 or 3 when my dad mentioned in a letter that “Reiko wants to start painting again...” something yet to be written about me. 

 Many of my memories of my mom were of her in her small studio art space-bedroom. She created some of the most dynamic, political, and surreal paintings: Broken images of bluish dead faces, smiling masks chipping away to reveal an evil face behind, heads split in half, blood dripping on a map of the world... all pouring out from my tiny smiling happy mom. 

That room, as she said many, many times, was her creative zone. After all, she was surrounded by her favorite things. 

In many ways, I see that dresser the way I saw my mom. At one point, the dresser was pristine, clean on the outside— a beautiful mirror which reflected all that surrounded her.

But as time and life happened, the outside took a beating. A dent over here, a broken handle over there, and finally the mirror to the world, shifted and fell, never breaking—because nothing was strong enough to ever break my mom— not even the cancer.

But, it was what was inside the dresser that counted. That’s where the extraordinary and extravagance lived. Her mystery, elegance, and her high class nature, all on the inside. 

The dresser itself may have not been worth much. I dont think it’s a piece for the antiques roadshow, or anything that could go for auction. But the woman who once owned it made us believe it so.

It was her level of class that made everything seem rare and special. She hardly ever talked about money or the cost of things. That kind of talk was beneath her, and often she would comment on how much she disliked people who always talked about money.

I will FOREVER be grateful for that part of my mom.

Some people feel the need to tell you the price of every item in their household—or tell you of their riches over the dinner table. Maybe in hopes, that you will somehow care about how expensive their taste is, or how valuable their assets are.

But, class and manners speak louder than cost, and the simple choice of conversation topic says it all. If all you can talk about is prices, you have no concept of values.

A lesson from my mother with which I will take to the grave is, money cannot buy class. You either have it, or don’t. And she had it. 

She

had

it.

And she held it inside and carried It on the outside.  

On Friday 1/12/2018, I left the house to go grocery shopping, I looked fondly at the dresser as it awkwardly sat in our garage. I smiled and thought again, as I have since we got it in our possession, “if only I had space for you...”

i sighed and got in my car. 

when I returned from shopping, it was gone. My husband, as promised, said he would wait until Friday and then take it to the dump. 

My heart cracked as I looked at the empty space of where the dresser used to be. I called Dean and sadly asked, “did you take the dresser to the dump already?” 

he responded with “yes, I have it now, do you want to keep it?”

so much of me wanted to say yes, please turn around, I want to keep it.  

So much of me wanted to get mad and say, why didn’t you wait until I got home? 

So much of me just wanted to touch it one more time and open the drawers, simply as a way of saying goodbye.

so much of me just wanted to cry... 

But, after a pause, I said “no.  it’s ok.”

“You sure?” 

”yes, I’m sure. I wanted to take more pictures of it before it went, but I guess I have enough...”

”I took some pictures of it for you” 

”thanks so much Dean-san. Love you.” 

“love you too” 

and that was it.  

  When Dean got home, he did his normal greeting to Yume and me, and after some time he looked at me and said “I saved the small pull -out drawer for you.” He smiled.

And my heart smiled back. It’s not all gone after all.

:)

i will admit, I am still so sad that the dresser gone. In the same way I am still so sad that my mom is gone. But, that’s life. My mom used to say, “sometimes you have to turn the other way winnie. Ignore the sad, and keep going.”

And yes, that is true...If I keep trying to walk with my hands full of the past, what space will I have for the future?  

I hope you enjoyed this first recollection. Stay tuned for more. i can’t promise each blog to be as long or as detailed (but who knows that may be a good thing. )

love always! 

winnie