#donit reblarg

[awellboiledicicle]

I got a referral to an actual gynecologist to talk about surgery AND hrt. As well as xray for my back pain and an ultrasound to make sure the gynecologist has updated images of how bad the situation is.

I am absolutely gonna have to spin this to my parents so I still have a place to live, because my father is a 60+ year old Roman catholic italian and my mother is a vaguely xtian older woman who deeply assumes I'm gonna settle down and have kids to pass the house onto.

Neither of them are GREAT about me being trans. But being nonbinary and very interested in the local town not beating me to death, I use my dead name and she/her. So they tend to completely forget I'm queer at all. Which is useful for stealthing. Not great for hedging reactions.

Logistically they'll assume I'm swapping binaries.

Given I work and time share in the closet, this wouldn't change much.

What will is whenever I actually get to start T. Because my mothers very very invested in taking sandpaper to every "deviation" from "normal" womanhood my PCOS caused. Literally. She had me sand the stubble off my face for like two weeks in hs before she decided it was a bad look compared to razor burn. Several months of max power laser treatment JUST IN CASE it burned out the roots on my face even through my beard is red and the laser doesn't target it well or at all. Spent weeks between treatments healing from the burns. I still can't get too much sun on my face or I'm fucked. She got upset when I was prescribed birth control because it would make me gain weight and it meant I couldn't marry straight out of hs and have grandkids.

Just to illustrate the point that uh.

She's more attached to the mental image of me being a woman in some form than me being comfortable with things.

She's also the lynchpin against my father impulsively disowning me. So keeping her happy enough is a thing.

All this, still in pain. Sweating buckets. Still sitting at work trying not to ruin my accounts register with hand sweat.

We plan and we progress.

[awellboiledicicle]

I hate being like. Super hype for something no one else in my friend group is into.

Not bc it ruins the hype, no that runs unaffected.

The problem is when I start coming down from the high and wanna talk about it and make art etc... and suddenly there's void. Bc no one else cares. So it suddenly feels like I was being very silly for being excited about things.

Which is a shit feeling, even if I have learned to reign it into just a single small burst of regretting showing that I have interests.

Which I know comes from having my interests belittled and dismissed in the past, and having been mocked for my enthusiasm for things only I seem to enjoy.

But knowing that doesn't make it feel less like shit

[awellboiledicicle]

It sucks finally crying yourself out and still feeling alone.

I'm calm again but I feel sick. I feel like I've ruined something even though I know I haven't. Or hope not anyway.

I. want to reach out for comfort but I don't think that's a good idea. I don't know why.

I wish I was normal.

[awellboiledicicle]

God help me I pulled myself out of the bpd spiral, decided actually to NOT kill myself today, and went to the work meeting.

Instantly the people there for it are talking about how Trump is a brilliant president and how crypto will be the future.

I need to not fucking be here.

[awellboiledicicle]

I hate when I say I cant do something and people around me are like "Nooo dont sell yourself short! Just hang in there! You're so capable! :D"

My good bitch I'm disabled. Mentally and physically.

I'm also a goddamn adult with a very concrete sense of my abilities.

If I say I cant do a thing and you make me do it anyway, all you accomplish is me breaking down and the thing MAYBE getting done. Maybe.

But you absolutely earn me not trusting that you view me as a rational being.

[awellboiledicicle]

It says something terrible about the world when I can go "hey my thighs are covered in open wounds, can something be done to stop this"

And the general response is "oh they're just zits"/"Its not THAT bad"/"Just go to work"/"OR we can say you're just fat and Weird hormonally. We will not do anything about this, but we'll say it. Just dont bleed on us."

I legitimately started crying at how painful my thighs are rn. While sitting STILL. moving is hell. Walking is hell.

And moisturizing is hell because my backs been out and god help me if I dont contort myself to see what I'm doing bc if I get any in an open spot it burns.

I just.

I'm sick of it.

I'm sick of the pain and the grossness and FEELING like a disgusting mess.

I'm so tired. I wish I had normal skin.

I wish I was healthy and beautiful and not in pain

[awellboiledicicle]

[drinks aloe]

only butch, only demi, only genderfluid

goddamn i can't be in a group like me if i try, can i

[awellboiledicicle]

Get told to wake up early for work purposes.

Brother is appearantly told this as well, half hour ahead of me.

He camps the bathroom with my stuff in it so no matter when I actually got up I'm screwed till hes out. Which, given his tasks do not appear time sensitive, is a problem.

Mostly because explaining this logistical issue is generally met with "well you shouldn't have kept all your crap in the bathroom" bc my manager is my mother and she believes the only people allowed to leave evidence of their existence anywhere in this house are her and my father.

Which would be annoying but ignorable if she didn't also expect me to be Perfectly Groomed And Presentable As A Representative Of The Department.

Which is annoying and bullshit bc unless something is going wrong, I'm in my office or a corner not talking to fucking anyone.

So basically I'm now waiting for my brother and trying not to both seeth and fall asleep

[awellboiledicicle]

I'm trying to get more comfortable being annoying.

By which I mean taking up space in ways I was raised to see as Social Death Penalty Sins.

Like being excited about things. And liking stuff that isnt already in the mental List Of Things I Know The Other Person Likes. And being loud when I complain. Honestly complaining in general, outside the conversational bitching about the weather.

I'm also not going to keep quiet about how much pain I'm in anymore bc frankly I managed to not die yet, I'm gonna make people keenly aware that that was a conscious effort that I would like support to keep doing. And part of that is going "I physically cannot do this thing, I wanna, but I can't because I feel like I'm being flayed alive. Please let's reschedule or strategize on alternative solutions".

But all that also means I get the fun internal "DANGER WILL ROBINSON" alert every time and I gotta hit ignore.

Hrm.

[awellboiledicicle]

i love when a simple problem turns into a big problem and it stresses me out so bad that my plan [play elite dangerous to bond with my partners] turns into "and now i am filled with the desire to light myself aflame and perish because i became the dipshit that doesn't know computers asking my gf to tech support me because linux new and my brain doesn't like a lot of new things all at once"

i mean. i won't literally light myself on fire because like. i'm too fucking tired to ask the people i love to watch a show i'm excited about. im too tired to be into my special interests. lighting myself on fire would take energy i simply do not possess.

but im fine. totally fine. not filled with rage and shame that my bullshit body robs me of being able to do things and renders me immobile for long stretches of time, fueling a false but very convincing idea that im alienated from my loved ones because of said issues.

totally fine

[awellboiledicicle]

Update: still crying but the 8 year old fronted just to go to my partners and go "tell them they're not a bad person just bc their disabilities mean they can't play the same games as you" before fucking off to play with dolls.

Didnt even stop us crying.

Blah. I hate my brain

[awellboiledicicle]

New frustration unlocked: trying to find video games I can play with fucked up hands, slow reaction speed, and no audio prompts because my ears are shot. And not overwhelming to my adhd.

Aka guess who got overwhelmed with shame at my disabilities disabling me from playing games my partners suggested while background watching with them and started crying while curled up in bed.

Meee

Because appearantly my choices are meditative games that dont engage me or change so slowly I get anxious I wont NOTICE the change, idle games i physically cannot do anything with to keep my hands busy, games with a like story i have to follow making me zone out the show, or strategy games that while turn based need brainpower that a low spoons mok trying to vibe does not possess.

Or a creative game with no stakes to make it feel like I progressed at anything because it depends on me fucking around not a goal. And that just means I zone out because nothing is pulling me back.

Normally I'd play rimworld bc I can just fucking pause that when too many things happen. Otherwise it's an ant farm I slowly grow and manage like a bonsai tree. But the fussy bitch wont run if I have my browser up to watch something.

So.

Here I am wondering if I'm horribly boring or annoying because I physically cant play cool games and crying about it.

Because I'm a mature adult who dealt with a lot today.

Basically in like an hour I'll be fine but it's a bummer not to be able to just hang with my bf because... yeah.

I cant even play webfishing because I dont have it. My partners do and they like it. But I'm 59% sure its reflex shit and I'll just give up bc my everything hurts and im sad

Blaaaaah

[awellboiledicicle]

It's all good until a headmate overdoes it and you spend the next like. 8 hours napping and trying not to puke

I'm melting/bleeding toward a death of cramps, my arms hurt and have a headache and it's this vampire bastards fault

But will he front through the cramps and nausea and pain? No.

[awellboiledicicle]

Upside of sobbing into your stuffed animals at midnight: emotional decompression

Downside of crying into your stuffed animals at midnight when you are me right now specifically: "How in the goddamn do I blow my nose and clean the salt off my glasses with one hand"

[awellboiledicicle]

I love when I wanna read something as a bonding activity or bc my partners wanna see my reaction to it... and actually getting a hold on a WAY to read the thing takes 95% of my energy I was gonna use to enjoy the thing so sit there fighting back frustrated tears trying to force myself to have fun bc i just wanna make my partners happy goddamnit

[awellboiledicicle]

I appreciate that my Big Emotional Sad Points rn are just.

"My partners are watching an anime without me because my body threw a fit so I had to go to bed early like a 98 year old man, which makes me feel like I'm losing a thing to connect with them over"

Which. Really. Could be worse. And they understand why.

It just sucks.